The Unbelievable Truth - 23x06 Vikings, Language, Kissing, Religion

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

23x06 3 February 2020[25] Neil Delamere, Cally Beaton, Lou Sanders, Marcus Brigstocke Vikings, Language, Kissing, Religion

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. As for our panel, well, there's a special point in an entertainer's career where you become a truly established name, and it's safe to say all four of our guests today are past it. Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke,

Callie Beaton, Lou Sanders and Neil Delamere. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Neil Delamere. Neil is descended from Vikings, hence his evocative name, Neil, meaning he who is named by someone who isn't a Viking. Appropriately, Neil, your subject is Vikings, pirate Norsemen who plundered the coasts of Europe from the 8th to the 11th centuries,

known especially for their use of longships and fearsome reputation in battle. Off you go, Neil. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. The first recorded Viking raid was on Holystone Monastery, north of Newcastle, in 754 AD. The Anglo-Saxon chronicle tells us, and lo, the fearsome Norsemen came from the sea, and amongst it say, Oh no, a load of Vikings, and lo, the fearsome Northmen came from the sea, and the monks did say,

oh no, Lord of Vikings, run away, run away! Run away! The UK's modern education system is inherited from the Vikings. The Viking 11 plus exam rated physical fitness rather than intellectual ability. Children who passed the rigorous tests went on to Viking grammar school while the kids who weren't tough enough were thrown into the sea. This terrible fate would have happened for example to all of singer Bjork's ancestors if I had had my way. Vikings ran an annual competition for the Viking with the silliest name. Some

of the silliest included Colbein Butterpenis, Olaf Lardtesticles and Astrid Milkytits. Astrid Milkytits was the mother of Eric the Red. Scholars later attributed his famously grouchy and violent temperament to hitherto undiagnosed lactose intolerance. During King Harold Bluetooth's reign, Ragnar Creamyhorn was

the Speaker of the Viking Parliament. King Bluetooth was so named because he could connect with that speaker as long as he was within 10 or 15 feet. Legend has it Harold was converted to Christianity at a Viking party when the children's entertainer Popo the Priest performed a miracle by putting his hand into a

red hot iron glove without getting burnt. Lou. The bit about conversion at a party. What do you think's true? So I think that he was converted to Christianity. He was. At a party. At a party.

Well, I'm going to give you the point. And what I'm going to tell you, though, is that the party didn't happen. But it is true that Harold was converted to Christianity when Poppo the priest performed that miracle with his hand in the red hot iron glove. One Saxon chronicle records that in order to convert him, it was necessary for a monk called Poppo to endure an ordeal by fire, in this case putting his hand into a red hot iron glove without getting burnt. Vikings sold sperm whale vomit to their gullible southern European neighbours as dragon's tears.

Marcus? They did sell sperm whale vomit, not as dragon's tears. They didn't. No. Well, they should have, because it's worth a lot. Yeah. I know. That's why I put it in.

It may be not as easy to collect as you assume. No, it is. Amber grease, yeah. It's used for... Oh, is that the vomit? I thought you assume. Oh, no, it is. Amber grease. It's used for... Oh, is that the vomit? I thought they had to kill it to get it out. No, no, no, no. You've been killing all those whales for nothing. I know, yeah.

You just hold their hair and, you know, point them at a bucket. Yeah. He's not worth it, Tracy. He's not worth it. Yeah. You've actually just said something very offensive in Wales. But they didn't sell it as dragon's tears. The well-known Yorkshire phrase, e-buy gum, was originally used by the Vikings,

as in e-buy gum, are you got longship? Eyup is also of Norse origin, and to this this day the Norwegian word for a myth with larger than life characters and fantastical storylines is I can't really pronounce this Emmerdale. Marcus. I'm that far into getting them wrong. I think Eyup might have come

from Viking origins. It did. Well done. It's thought that the Yorkshire greeting EOP derives from the Old Norse expression say up, which meant look out or be careful. So the greeting is be careful. Slightly threatening, really. In Mastermind Hosts, Magnus Magnusson's first book on the Vikings, you can lead a Norse to water, but you cannot make him drink.

Sorry, don't buzz in there. I've started, so I'll finish. I should let the audience know I actually buzzed myself for that joke. Magnus Magnusson tells us King Harald Hadrada invented an early form of firework display when he attached kindling to the legs of birds and sent them flying. Unfortunately, the birds flew home to roost in a nearby town and burned it down. The townsfolk did their best to deal with the lethal tinder, desperately swiping left to reject it. But they failed, and the bird's pained call

was the last thing the inhabitants heard. Thank you, Neil. And at the end of that round, Neil, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in Viking times, kids who weren't tough enough were chucked in the sea. They considered physical strength a vital part of the family and society and were known to abandon physically incapable or sickly children, often leaving them alone in the wilderness or

throwing them into the sea. The second truth is that Viking names included colbine butter penis. This is the true one. Other Viking nicknames included Hell Yield for All Shriveled Testicle, Esney the Busty, Ass Locker Cock, and Skaggy the Shit Advisor. He's the minister for Brexit,

I think. Is he the guy who named all the other people in the sentence yet no one laughed about harold or shriveled testicle the third truth you smuggled was that king harold hardrada attached kindling to the legs of birds and sent them flying i was gonna yeah we were gonna say. Can we all have a point? Because we all thought it. I can't see a floor in that system. And that means, Neil, you've scored three points. OK, we turn now to Callie Beaton.

Callie is a former television executive who worked on MTV's Ex on the Beach. One of my favourite shows is Panorama. on the beach. One of my favourite shows is Panorama. Callie, your subject is language, a system of human communication, either spoken or written, used by the people of a particular country or region. Off you go, Callie. I learned Latin at school, meaning I know how to run our country into the ground whilst banging on about being able to speak latin hedgehogs have a surprisingly sophisticated language of grunts clicks and squeaks they have over 15 different sounds for the word ouch blue well one i think you learned latin at school and two i think hedgehogs have got a sophisticated communication system did you learn latin at school

no what about the hedgehogs? Apparently there is a potential inadvertent truth here, which I'm going to allow the audience to judge on but you won't lose a point Callie But you might gain one hold on hold on. What's this? I'm experimenting with the format in the minute. I'm gonna do an ABBA medley You won't lose a point, Callie, but you might gain one. Hold on, hold on. What's this new fang of witchery? I'm experimenting with the format. In a minute, I'm going to do an ABBA medley. But first of all, the truth about Hedgehog's communication system is that they have 16 different grunts, clicks and squeaks. Now, is that surprisingly sophisticated?

And who conversely, I mean, you laugh at this, but this is sort of literally how Parliament works. And who conversely thinks that it is not surprisingly sophisticated? I think it's surprisingly

sophisticated habit, so you get a bonus point, Luke. I think it's a surprisingly sophisticated habit, so you get a bonus point, Luke. And cats have over 15 different meows, meowing only ever at humans, not each other, and knowing it's best not to meow at all if their kittens have their kitten friends over. Neil. I think cats don't meow at each other. I think they only meow to humans.

Correct. As far as we know, unless they're conspiring against us to make us think this, cats meow at humans but not at each other. Kittens meow at their mothers to let them know they're cold or hungry, but once they're weaned, they no longer alert other cats to their needs but will continue to meow at humans to get us to do what they want babushi the chinese for spoiler alert was displayed outside all beijing cinemas showing the sixth sense as the distributors had titled it in chinese he's a ghost lu i want it to be true. I'm afraid it's not. None of it.

But it was widely reported on the internet to be true. Other reported Chinese plot-spoiling mistranslations include the film titled Twister being translated in China as Run Run Cloudzilla. The film Boogie Nights being his great device makes him famous. The film Pretty Woman as I will marry a prostitute to save money. And the crying game as, oh no, he has a penis. The only time I've had a cinema trip spoiled before the film even started was when my date used the word pacifically when he meant

specifically, and I took a pretend phone call saying my child was in hospital so that I could go home. Marcus, I mean that sounds like it's true. Can it? It's too personal. I think you would, wouldn't you? I totally would, but it's one of the only

bad dates I haven't had. It's not true. In the Albanian language, there are 27 words for moustache, including dursur, meaning handlebar, dipsus, meaning lady tash, and bumchikiawawa, meaning 70s porn star. Neil?

That could be true, but 17 is probably too many. But I'm going to go true. What's true, the 27 words for moustache? No, I thought it was 17. He said 17. What she said about moustaches in Albanian is true. It is indeed true. The Papua New Guinea Dictionary runs to more volumes than Encyclopedia Britannica.

This is because in New Guinea they speak 840 different languages. Neil, that's true. But do you think it's 840 or 17? Because of the inhospitable nature of the topography of Papua New Guinea, particularly beyond Port Moresby, I would suggest 840 is the right number. Sorry, just me on that. I really hope this is true because i've made myself really sound arrogant it is true and i think that must be the first

woo that port morsby's had in many a year yes they have 840 languages almost a seventh of all the languages on Earth are spoken in Papua New Guinea. The Andaman Islands have produced two Nobel Prize winners for physics. Even though the Andamanese language has only two words for numbers, they mean one and more than one. Marcus. That is true. One and more than one. That is true.

Specific expressions for the act of attempting to revive an unsuccessful... Sorry, should that be Pacific Expressions? Specific expressions for the act of attempting to revive an unsuccessful relationship exist in 27 languages and include in Spanish a llama humida or moist flame in Dutch the powder is neat hood Mia or even the gowder is stale in Icelandic so Linna far enough have a jugatora by a key or the sun's gone down why can't you down why can't you say the Spanish moist flame is a real thing it is not in Italian cavoli riscaldati or reheated cabbage and in my house in Camden why don't you trust me meaning yes once yes, once with my tennis coach, but we were both very drunk and he started it. All right, well, yeah, not the Spanish moist flame, but the reheated cabbage in Italy then.

Correct. Oh. Yes, the Italian phrase cavoldi riscaldati, meaning reheated cabbage, is an expression for the attempt to revive a long finished love affair it comes from the proverb neither reheated cabbage nor revived love is ever any good they haven't discovered bubble and squeak have they in the words of my tennis coach it's time to put my balls away now. Peace out.

Thank you, Callie. And at the end of that round, Callie, you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored no points. Next up is Lou Sanders. Lou is teetotal, and she hasn't drunk alcohol for three years. And if this was America, you'd have given her a round of applause rather than that sullen, suspicious silence. Save it for my jokes, babe. Lou, your subject is kissing.

The act of pressing one's lips against a person or object, usually as an expression of affection, greeting, sexual attraction, friendship or respect. Off you go, Lou. OK. When the film star Tom Cruise was younger, his sisters and their friends would put him on the sink in the bathroom and practice kissing him. And now the tables have turned and he practices kissing women and making it look believable. In Spain, James Bond is known as Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

Carrie. I want that to be true. It's not true. But it'd be nice if it was. Yeah. You might be pleased to know, then, that it is true in Italy and Japan. I thought I knew it from somewhere. I tricked you, and I tricked you really good.

You tricked me well. And that is the game. You've done good. The same year Disney released The Princess and the Frog, it was revealed that 50 people were hospitalised after trying to kiss frogs. Neil. Yeah, I'm going to go for that's true. It is true.

Yeah. In 2009, the year that The Princess and the Frog was released, at least 50 people in the US were admitted to hospital after becoming infected with salmonella from either handling or kissing frogs. Not surprisingly, most of those who fell ill were younger than ten and more than half were little girls. Idiots.

True. True. OK, the Queen loves kissing so much that she's got a mug saying, kiss one quick. She also has a T-shirt which says, it's time to 69. She wore it at her 50th birthday picnic in 1969. The number 88 is Morse code shorthand for love and kisses,

or two fat ladies, whatever suits the occasion more. Although now we say 88 is two plus-sized ladies. The record for the longest kiss is 58 hours, 35 minutes and 58 seconds, and it was your dad who did it. Okay. A broken kissing gate in China is said to be lucky if you want to get kissed by your dream partner. One man who visited it every day and didn't find true love tried to sue the gate.

Neil. Yeah, I'm going to go that through as well. He tried to sue the kissing gate. No, there's a broken gate in China. And there is a broken kissing gate in China, and if he kisses you, the partner thing. No. One man who visited it every day and didn't find true love tried to sue the gate.

The judge at the hearing said, if anyone's off their hinges, it's you. But in Chinese. This is going all right, actually. Points-wise, come on. I've smuggled loads past you idiots there is something about your delivery style that does seem to confuse people i'm a very good dancer okay I'm a very good dancer. Okay.

I think the weirdest thing that's been said today is that you haven't drunk alcohol for three and a half years. Some cultures kiss by blowing snot onto the other person. Some by rubbing feet. And in some cultures, by biting each other's eyelashes, and weirdly, all of these cultures live in Oxfordshire. Rubbing feet? No. Oh. Well done me.

Kiss me hardy with the famous last words of Stan Laurel. Thank you, Lou. And at the end of that round, Lou, you have managed somehow to smuggle four truths. Which are that when film star Tom Cruise was younger, his sisters and their friends would put him on the sink in the bathroom and practice kissing him. In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine, he revealed,

They taught me how to French kiss when I was eight years old. The first time I almost suffocated, I was holding my breath. That was weird. The second truth is that the number 88 is Morse code shorthand for love and kisses, to save time when transmitting messages. And the third truth is that the record for the longest kiss is 58 hours, 35 minutes and 58 seconds. And the fourth truth is that some cultures kiss each other by biting each other's eyelashes. And that means, Lou, you've scored four points.

Before the kissing scenes with George Lazenby in the Bond film On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Diana Rigg ate raw garlic. George managed not to react in any way, much in keeping with the rest of his performance. In Russia the highest sign of recognition was a kiss from the Tsar. The only greater sign of favour was for him to tap you on the shoulder and whisper, Chase me. It's now the turn of Marcus Brigstock. Marcus is a keen campaigner for the Green Party

and has helped make them the parliamentary force they are today. But never mind. Your subject, Marcus, is religion, a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, usually involving the worship of a god or gods. Off you go, Marcus. Religion. Leviticus is the best book in the Bible, and we know this because of the number of times people have written Leviticus rules. And of course, because of Leviticus, it's course because of Leviticus it's still prohibited for many religious women to wear leggings because of its

strict rules about the display of cloven hooves Pliny the Elder claimed that the fire worshiping prophet Zarathustra ate nothing but cheese for 30 years he'd often wrap it in pastry and put it in the oven. Thus baked Zarathustra. The high dairy content gave him terrible skin. Thus flaked Zarathustra. And we assume his cheese dreams made it hard for him to sleep. And if you haven't filled in the rest of that joke yourself, you shouldn't be listening to Radio 4.

Donald Trump has read and understands the Bible. Neil? He has said that. I have read and understand the Bible. And then he was asked what his favourite bit is. And he went, pictures. He certainly said that. I felt it was a falsehood. Well, I can only take the man at his word.

Yeah, actually, that's a good point. And he is president, so... He said he's read the Bible. That doesn't necessarily mean he's read it, but he could have read it. Clearly, he could not have understood it. So, it is just too many words for him to

have understood. So, I'm afraid that's not true, and you don't get a point. Sorry. In the 70s, an American citizen tried to sue the devil, claiming understood I'm afraid that's not true and you don't get a point sorry in the 70s an American citizen tried to sue the devil claiming that Lucifer Neil I believe that's true and then the devil lost and had to generate more income and then went on to become the president That is true.

Can you read the full... Yes, absolutely. An American citizen tried to soothe the devil, claiming that Lucifer had deprived him of his constitutional rights. Yes, this was the case of Gerald Mayo versus Satan and his staff. That was my favourite detail, that he sued his... It wasn't just Satan. I'm taking the whole company down.

Because he's got a whole team there. Oh, yeah. Like, you have to get them all, otherwise, you know... Like Pokemon. Yeah. The case was dismissed on procedural grounds.

In fact, on Americans, 12% of Americans believe that Joan of Arc was actually Noah's wife. I mean, that is... Come on, it's ridiculous. The last thing you want on a wooden boat full of straw and livestock is a woman who's on fire. Lou? I believe that 12 percent did believe that you're right to believe that do you know how i knew do you know how i knew because i believed it in iceland they've built tiny little churches in the hope of converting elves to christianity although due to declining elven congregations, many of these have now been turned into tiny branches of Wetherspoons. Where was the Garden of Eden? Well, at last

we have an answer. A religious group from Bedford have made it very clear it's just up the top end of Albany Road in central Bedford. And why not? They have a wine bar called Original Sin, and if you go there at closing time, you can literally witness the fall of man over and over again something in bedford's true that's certainly the tourist board slogan i think that they've they've claimed a garden of eden no you're right am i right yeah yeah i should have said it with more conviction i knew that I think that they've claimed a Garden of Eden. No. You're right. Am I right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should have said it with more conviction.

I knew that. Yeah, totally. I know that my son went to college in Bedford. Well, he would have noticed the Garden of Eden. Yeah. If that is the Garden of Eden... Is there nudity? No, it's just quite a scraggy-looking end of a road.

But to be fair on it they have built bedford around it yeah i'll tell you as punishment for eating an apple that's pretty severe the panacea society and it's well worth looking up yes this panacea society was a bedford-based religious sect comprised almost exclusively of well-off middle-aged ladies who believed Albany Road, Bedford to be the site of the Garden of Eden. And that's the end of Marcus's lecture. So, Marcus, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Pliny the Elder claimed that the fire-worshipping prophet Zarathustra ate nothing but cheese for 30 years.

And the second truth is that in Iceland, they've built tiny little churches in the hope of converting elves to Christianity. They have a long-standing belief there in dwarves, elves, and huddlefolk, or hidden folk. And the Icelanders often place tiny houses in their gardens for small people to live in, and some have gone further and built little churches to convert them to Christianity. And that means, Marcus, you've scored two points. A Bible published in England in 1632 missed out the word not in the Seventh Commandment, making it read, Thou shalt commit adultery.

A copy was recently bought at auction by a Mr. B. Johnson. Mormons wear special underwear which gives them protection against temptation and evil. It's basically the exact opposite of my lucky pulling pants. Although the overall effect is identical. Which brings us to the final scores. In joint third place, with minus one point each, it's Lou Sanders and Marcus Brigstock. In second place, with one point, it's Callie Beaton.

And in first place, with an unassailable six points it's this week's winner Neil Bellamy that's about it for this week goodbye the unbelievable truth is devised by John Mason and garden featured David Mitchell in the chair with panelists Neil Delamere Kelly beaten Beaton, Lou Sanders and Marcus Brigstol. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash

and the producer was John Naisman. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.