The Unbelievable Truth - 24x02 Country and Western Music, Jobs, Sharks, The 1970s

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

24x02 22 June 2020 Lucy Porter, Sean Lock, Zoe Lyons, Jack Dee Country and Western Music, Jobs, Sharks, The 1970s

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to this lockdown edition of The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Today I'm joined by four comedians delighted to be able to take part without having to get dressed. It's four of my favourite lockdown laughter makers. Oh, God, I've been inside too long. Please welcome Sean Locke, Zoe Lyons, Lucy Porter and Jack D.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello, all. So, the rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false,

save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Lucy Porter. Lucy's latest stand-up show was about how she hoped being a brownie as a child would prepare her for anything. If only she'd earned her global pandemic badge.

Lucy, your subject is country and western music, popular vocal music characterised by romantic or melancholy ballads. Before you start Lucy, let's test our special lockdown buzzers. Lucy goes Thank you. Sean goes. Lovely. Zoe Nice

hotel reception. And Jack Lovely. Jack's the only one making that noise himself. A damp palm and an armpit yeah okay please start your lecture lucy buzzers at the ready the rest of you i will country and western music is named after western super mayor where it was invented on the 3rd of july 1922. other popular genres from the area include men dip dubstep and cheddar cheesy listening yes siri men dip dubstep has a ring to it i'm if it doesn't as does your finger as it does my finger yeah i'm loving

anything with the ring to it if men dip dubstepstep doesn't exist, and I think it should, but I think it might. It doesn't. Oh, it's such a shame. Well, there's a window of opportunity once all of this is over. I'd just like to say that was a very silly challenge, and I hope people are going to take this more seriously. Come on, Mendip Dubstep, Sean, come on. If you don't end in negative numbers, have you really played? That's what I think. No, no. I see.

Well, the name given to the genre that mixes country music and rap is hick-hop. Sean. Hick-hop. Correct. Nice. Hick-hop's a thing. Well done, Sean. You get a point.

Feels good. I'm just saying it feels good, guys. Well done, Sean. Good. Good challenge. Nice play. Country music song titles are always highly distinctive and include I'm Tired and Ex just like my pickup truck.

You took me out for steak, but you drove it through my heart. Sean, you were first there. I think that's true. You took me out for steak, that one. It's not true. Sounds very plausible. I thought the other one was. What one?

The pickup truck. I'm tired and exhausted just like my pickup truck yes that's not true either but when you're doing your men dip dubstep yeah you can use all of these you can have them i will give my god this game is hard just like my life i mean that could be one goodness that's a great one uh not one of hank williams hank williams jr or hank williams the third were actually called Hank, while Dolly Parton's real name is, of course, Hank. I'm going to go for the Hank thing.

I'm going to say none of them were called Hank. You're right. None of them were called Hank. Not Hank Williams, not Hank Williams Jr. or Hank Williams III. Their real names are Hiram, Randall and Shelton. Yeah. God, you'd totally call yourself Hank after that, wouldn't you? You know why I guessed?

I just thought, there's no point in making that up even. Yeah. I notice she does speed up over truths. Just highlighting the other guys to that. Just warning you. OK, thank you. She gets it very quickly and goes on to the next thing. Dominic Raab does the same, I think.

Yeah. Johnny Cash, whose original first name was Ready, notoriously performed a number of tough gigs in zoos. He first turned to alcohol abuse after being mauled by a Bengal tiger in Cincinnati Zoo, became addicted to painkillers when he was attacked by an ostrich. Sure. The ostrich.

You're right, it's the ostrich. He's good. Yeah. According to his autobiography, Johnny Cash became addicted to painkillers following an attack. It's the ostrich. He's good. Yeah. According to his autobiography, Johnny Cash became addicted to painkillers following an attack by one of the ostriches he kept in an exotic animal park by his house in Tennessee. It's all very Tiger King-ness.

He was the original Tiger King. Yeah. It broke his two lower ribs and ripped his stomach open down to his belt before knocking him over onto his back and breaking three more ribs on a rock. It only ran off after Cash managed to hit it on the leg with a stick. So that's quite vicious.

In its defence, it was, I think he'd done something to another ostrich and it was defending... What had he done to another ostrich? Stole its lyrics. Broke its heart. Stole its lyrics. Broke its heart. Cash's habit for courting disaster did not end there. In 1965, he destroyed over 500 acres of California's Los Padres National Forest,

killing 49 rare condors after accidentally dropping his own burning ring of fire. Zoe. I reckon he did destroy a bit of California with fire, because he was a bit reckless. You're absolutely right. Oh, yes! In court, it was alleged that during a fishing trip, Johnny Cash lit a fire which quickly got out of hand, scorching 500 acres of land and roasting to near extinction. That's definitely overcooking.

49 of the area's 53 endangered California condors He was found guilty and fined $82,000 Country music is actually one of the richest areas For musical experimentation and innovation In 2014, Taylor Swift accidentally released 8 seconds of white noise on iTunes Which went to number 1 in Canada Yes, Sean

I'll go for the Taylor Swift. Correct. Yeah, due to a glitch in the Canadian version of iTunes, a Taylor Swift song entitled Track 3, which comprised eight seconds of white noise, was accidentally released for download, priced $1.29, and immediately shot to the top of the iTunes chart. And in 1978, Willie Nelson began singing a song

that is technically still in progress. The Mayans believe that when he finally finishes it, the world will end. Thank you, Lucy. So, Lucy, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle no trees past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored no points. Although you did manage to get several points saying some excellent fake country and western music titles,

which is going to lead me to read out a list of some real ones because they're funny. I'm so miserable without you. It's just like having you around. How can I miss you if you won't go away? She got the gold mine and I got the shaft. Get your tongue out of my mouth, I'm kissing you goodbye. And you're the reason our kids are ugly. Classic.

Anyway, Lucy, that means you've scored no points. Johnny Cash's estate refused permission for his hit Ring of Fire to be used in a commercial for haemorrhoid cream. The product was eventually marketed using an obscure Cliff Richard B-side called My Anus Is Burning. OK, we turn now to Sean Locke. Sean, your subject is jobs, paid positions of regular employment. Off you go, Sean.

My father used to say, if a job is not worth doing properly, it's not worth doing at all. Which is bollocks. I have been handsomely paid for some extremely shoddy workmanship and even been asked back. That's got to be true, Sean, hasn't it? I'm sure I'm not alone. No, no, never. Always turn in a professional job. Always. Oh, really?

Subjective. It's subjective. I've never phoned it in. Lured you in there. There we are. No points available there, Zoe. No. I've had many jobs, from health and safety officer for the Medellin cartel,

to quality control in a Wuhan bat market. That was only a short contract, while the guy that normally does it was off sick. The range of job opportunities out there always staggers me. Did you know that high street banks employ people to try and rob them, known as penetration testers?

And the British board... Oh, yes, Zoe, you were first. I'm going in for penetration tester. If that job doesn't exist, I want to make that happen as well. It does exist. Yeah. Banks hire penetration testers to try and rob them. But these penetration testers aren't traditional bank robbers.

They're cyber hackers, employed by the banks to test their computer systems in order to find security vulnerabilities that a real attacker could exploit. I presented an award to penetration testers once at a corporate do. Did you really? And I never stopped finding it funny. In fairness, neither did the audience. It was hours of fun.

It is a funny sort of sexual name for a very non-sexual job, isn't it? Because they penetrate the back doors as well, that's their job. Oh, please. Oh, come on. The British Board of Film Classification employs someone to sit alongside the censor and shake their heads or tut at inappropriate

content. They are called Mary's after Mary Whitehouse. I'm guessing that that is true, isn't it? The tut has been called Mary's. Yeah, that would be a good name to give them, I think. It would, but it's not the case. It doesn't happen. It wasn't really a challenge, it was just a suggestion.

It wasn't very confident, was it? It was barely a quack. Would you prefer a longer quack? All right, I'll try and remember that. OK. Anyway. Sean. Bic.

Like that? Yes. Fell into my trap, Jack. You fell into my trap. Bic employ a ballpoint taster for the benefit of people who chew the ends of their biros. And NASA employs someone to sniff everything that goes into space they're known as nasal noughts i've been fired from many jobs but it was never my fault i was a fluffer in the gay porn scene but viagra put paid to that

career by 52 i was on the scrap heap lucy i don't know or care whether you were a fluffer in the gay porn scene, but I do believe that Viagra has probably put an end to fluffing as a profession. All I can say is that this is not Mark's truth on this script. I don't know. Would Viagra work on the timescale needed if you're hurriedly shooting a porn scene? Well, David, glad you asked me that. If you were a fluffer, Sean, I hope your fluffer name was Lockard. Yeah.

Is there such a thing? I know there's a porn name, but is there a fluffer name? It's not part of the marketing of a porn film, who the fluffer was, is it? Yeah, you don't see it. Who fluffed... Oh, this is excellent fluffing work that's gone behind the scenes here.

I think by the credits of most porn films, people have gone up and gone to the toilet. My great-uncle was a jug merchant, or juggler, as they were known, as they would have to carry so many jugs. His father was an egg merchant, or eggler, as they were called. And his father was a pig merchant, or pigler. Lucy.

It's a list, so I feel duty-bound to go for eggler. Well done. Bullseye. No way. Yeah, in the 18th and 19th centuries, an egg dealer was known as an eggler. Freelancers were originally knights who would offer their services to the highest bidder, and some of them allowed advertising on their lances. Jack? I like the idea that freelancers were guns for hire in the old days. That's correct.

The word freelancer refers to a medieval knight who'd lost employment with a royal house and offered himself as a mercenary to anyone who'd pay. However, the first use of the word is in Sir Walter Scott's novel, Ivanhoe, published in 1820. So it's probably not the contemporary term from the era when people really did that. So was Lancelot, like, just an agency? LAUGHTER

Since the lockdown, what people miss most is the sheer fun of the daily commute to work. A recent study found that couples who travelled in the same direction to work were happier than those that went in the opposite direction. And the one that travelled the furthest was likely to be the unhappiest. Lucy. Wow, there's sort of two there, aren't there? Whether couples who travel in the same direction are happier and then the one who travels the furthest is unhappier,

which I think would definitely be true. Is that what you're going for? Oh, God. There's a lot riding on this. Oh, there is, isn't there? No. I'm very confessive. Yeah, I'll go for that one.

I'll go for the longest. The one that travels the furthest. That's not true. All right. Yes, one. I'll go for the longest. The one that travels with the foot. That's not true. All right. Yes, Lucy? I'll go for the other one. Double or quits. No, you can't do that, can you?

You can do that, but it's not double or quits. It's double negative or quits. Oh, it is, yeah. But you are quits, because that is true. Oh, phew. You know, you've broken even. Oh, so you can. You can choose two and then go for just all of them slowly.

Yeah, yeah. But obviously every one you get wrong, you lose a point. Exactly. Sorry, so you can. You can choose two and then go for just all of them slowly. But obviously every one you get wrong, you lose a point. Exactly. Sorry, I do listen regularly. I was recently asked what would be my dream job, and I only needed to think about it for a second. I want to be an air steward, because I love the idea of telling people they can't go to the toilet. Thank you,

Sean. Thank you. So, Sean, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that NASA employs someone to sniff everything that goes into space who's known as a nasal nought.

And that means, Sean, you've scored one point. Thank you. Next up is Zoe Lyons. In January this year, Zoe performed in London in a play. If you're listening to a repeat of this show, a play was like 500 people in a room all watching Netflix together. But worse.

Zoe, your subject is sharks, fish characterised by their sharp teeth and pointed dorsal fins, certain species of which are large, voracious and sometimes dangerous to humans. Off you go, Zoe. Mindful of the negative PR, Shark Island off the coast of Mozambique renamed itself simply Island, while Shark Bay in Australia changed its name to Safety Beach to attract tourists. Jack? I'm thinking maybe Shark Island has changed its name.

It hasn't. No, I don't even know if it exists. Maybe the other one then is true, that Shark Beach changed its name to Safety Beach. Yes, that's true. Safety Beach near Melbourne was once called Shark Bay due to the proliferation of sharks in its waters. I wouldn't trust a beach called Safety Beach. It's trying too hard, isn't it? It really is, isn't it? I would trust it more than a beach called Shark Bay.

I think that's why they did it. You really want a more neutral name for a beach that's neither protesting too much nor proclaiming jeopardy. Stump Beach. Stump Beach. Used to have full compliments of Limbs Beach. More children have been killed by sharks while building sandcastles than swimming in the sea.

And more people have been killed as a result of children's sandcastles than from shark attacks. Oh, that was duck quack and clown horn at the same time. I'm going to go clown horn. Thank you. Thank you. That's all right. It's good to go for the second noise, isn't it, always?

Was it your interpretation that it was the second noise, Jack? Obviously, I'm favouring myself because I am the quacker. Do you know what? Because I've actually changed a lot of my views, my philosophies have changed during lockdown, I'm going to let Jack have that. This is great. I think this is a sign that we can...

Become a lot more spiritual. Humanity's moving forward, isn't it? They say one thing is for sure, it's never going to go back to how it was before. And we've lost Sean Locke. We've lost something about him that we liked and that you knew he was a bastard and now that's changed yes yeah yeah the i think it was the sandcastles more people killed by the sandcastles

than sharks that's correct yes since 1990 16 people in the u.s have been killed by sandcastles and the holes and tunnels made in their construction more crucially while only 12 have been killed by sharks. Well, I feel I should share that point with Sean in some way. No, no, no, you have it. We don't have that level of computing technology available to us. It has been proved that sharks can smell fear in the water from 15 miles away. If confronted by a shark, the best way to attempt to repel it

are to curl up into a ball and pretend to be a giant poisonous puffer fish, or the best method, which is to kill another shark, wait for about a week for it to decompose, and then wave a lump of its rotting flesh at the oncoming shark as a warning. Lucy, you were definitely ahead there. Well, OK. Sharks can smell from 15 miles away was what I was hooting for. Smell fear from 15 miles away.

Oh, no, that's not... No. Maybe, I don't know, maybe something like blood. Blood, yeah, no, I didn't listen properly. Well, luckily I wasn't going for that. Oh. What I was going for was the curling up into a ball. No, that's not true either. No.

Jack, I think you buzzed as well. Do you want to guess for anything? No, thanks. Fair enough. Zoe, carry on. Moving on. Okey-dokey. The hammerhead shark is so-called because of its love of DIY.

It has a spirit-level-like filled pouch between its eyes so it can tell if it's swimming in the straight line. Lucy. I'll have that that it's got a spirit level inside it no not true sounds plausible just swims along normally with a weird shaped head sorry bull sharks are also called land sharks because of their ability to walk on their fins up to half a kilometer from water to attack prey. Lucy. No, I really shouldn't, should I?

I've gone absolutely mad. What are you about to say? You're like in a casino just throwing your chips away. These points don't mean anything to you, Lucy. Well, I got nothing through on my lecture, so it has become just... I've spiralled into despair and recklessness. Bull sharks can walk on their fins they can walk up to half of i mean we wouldn't be safe in central london with them elbowing their way along snap snap snap well have you been into central london lately i

haven't it might be full to the brim with bull sharks. I've got no idea. That's why people put up those little child gates in their house, isn't it? No. Yeah, that's not true, I'm afraid. No, it's clearly not, is it? Zoe. Items found inside a shark's stomach include a mini cooper,

a complete set of encyclopedias, a chicken coop with chickens, a complete Honda outboard motor still running, and a two-seater leather sofa. It just would be remiss not to pick one. And the one I'm going to go for is an outboard motor still running. No, that's not true. Good try. Sean, what to go for?

Go for the sofa, Sean. Go for the sofa? What about the chickens? If you don't want the chicken coop, I might have it. You have it, Lucy. Oh, you have it. It's yours. Are you buzzing, Lucy?

Yes, I will. Buzzing on the chicken coop with chickens. Yes. The chicken coop with chickens is true. Oh, God, I knew it. Your losing streak is ending. A tiger shark caught off the coast of Florida was discovered to have an entire chicken coop with chickens in its stomach.

Sharks can suffer from the common cold, and the basking shark is a martyr to hemorrhoids. Jack. I'm going to say that sharks can get a cold. No, they can't. In fact, they are apparently amazingly resilient to disease. One of the few they're known to suffer from is viral dermatitis, which is a type of herpes.

It'd be bad if you got attacked by a shark and you survived, but then found out you got herpes from it. That would be double, you know, you think, oh, I'm lucky, and then, no, I'm not, I'm not so lucky. You'd have to contact all the other sharks that had bitten you and warn them. The tiger shark fights infection with the aid of its internal disinfectant, and the Greenland shark can live for up to 500 years in the icy northern waters due to the high levels of antifreeze in its blood.

Jack. I'm gonna say that the tiger shark can fight infection with its sort of internal equivalent of a disinfectant. No. No. I've been listening to Donald Trump. Thank you, Zoe. So, Zoe,

at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that a way of repelling sharks is by waving a lump of rotting flesh from its dead relative as a warning. Oh. Rotting shark flesh is an excellent shark repellent. And the second truth is that the Greenland shark can live up to 500 years due to the high levels of antifreeze in its blood. What?

I don't know, it's weird. Apparently they only reach sexual maturity at the age of 150. Oh, me too. Anyway, that means, Zoe, you've scored two points. If you're attacked by a shark, you should fight back while maintaining full eye contact. I'm going to file that under easier said than done. It's now the turn of Jack D.

Jack recently decided to step back from television to focus more on playing to packed houses around the country. Oops. Jack, your subject is the 1970s, a decade of social, historical and economic change which incorporates the years from 1970 to 1979. Off you go, Jack. Of course, most celebrities from the 70s are now in prison.

However, one who escaped is Bill Gates, who was eventually granted freedom of the city of Brisbane because he came up with the name The Bee Gees whilst working there as a DJ. Until then, The Bee Gees were going to call themselves the Byjoves, as a tribute to Ken Dodd, who was Morris Gibbs' favourite comedian. Speaking of music, the electronic synthesiser really took off in popularity when Yes keyboardist Rick Wakeman used a Roland Soundmaster on a TV commercial for Curly Whirlies. Sean?

I was going to say he did an advert for Curly Whirlies. No, he didn't. Another thing about Rick Wakeman in the 70s is that he would only fly American Airlines. The reason? Because their 747s had piano lounges with jacuzzis where they gave out free chocolate. Rick Wakeman would only fly with American Airlines.

That's not true. Oh, for crying out loud. Might as well just shoot myself in the face. Iconic 70s toy, the Space Hopper, was called variously the Hoppity Bopper, the Boppity Hopper, the Hippity Hop, the Spacity Spacey and the Moonball. By now, you're probably thinking, what was your favourite toy in the 70s, Jack? Well, since you ask, it was the Rubik's Cube, mind you. That's no surprise, as at one time, at least 20% of the Earth's population

was twisting and turning themselves into fits of frustration, trying to solve the wretched thing. Zoe? I think maybe 20% of the world's population did have one because everybody had at least one. That's right. And at the peak of the Rubik's Cube craze, an estimated one-fifth of the world's population had played with one.

I never mastered it either. The only way I could get it done was peeling off the stickers and putting them all back on again in the right order. I could do one side, and I found that was enough for me. Yeah. Well, i always used to think the point was to get them as random as possible because when you buy it it's all complete isn't it anyway mess it up yeah and only 0.0001 ever solve the rub Cube, which is in itself weird, considering there are something like 43 quintillion actual solutions,

or 43 quintillion and one solutions, if you include throwing it in the bin and screaming out of your bedroom window, the Rubik's Cube is no longer my favourite toy, and God, I wish the 70s would end. Well, one day, they probably will. Thank you, Jack. And at the end of that round, Jack, you've managed to smuggle four truths.

Wow! Which are that Bill Gates came up with the name The Bee Gees whilst working as a DJ in Brisbane. What? However, this wasn't the Microsoft Bill Gates, but a Brisbane DJ of the same name who discovered the band after an introduction from a Speedway promoter called Bill Good. The name derived from the initials BG,

shared by Bill Gates, Bill Good and Barry Gibb. The second truth is that 747s had piano lounges. In the early 70s, American Airlines had a piano lounge in the rear of their 747s. Didn't I change that? You said that Rick Wakeman woulds, American Airlines had a piano lounge in the rear of their 747s. Didn't I challenge that? You said that Rick Wakeman would only travel American Airlines, which was something Jackson... Oh, yeah, I meant because the piano lounge was... Oh, I see. But he showed no preference to them.

I think that's a bit harsh. What? You don't get points for buzzing near true things. Right. That's a different show. What show is that called? Nearly Unbelievable Truth. Right. That's a different show. What show is that called? Nearly Unbelievable Truth. Yeah. That'll do. It's called That'll Do. The third truth that Jack smuggled is that the space hopper was known also as the hippity hop.

And the fourth truth is that there are something like 43 quintillion actual solutions to the Rubik's Cube. And that means, Jack, you've scored four points. Well done, mate. Well done. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place with minus four points, yes, we have Lucy Porter. In third place with minus two points, it's Sean Locke. In second place with no points, it's Jack Dee. And in first place with an unassailable one point, it's this week's winner, Zoe Lyons.

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Jack Dee, Sean Locke, Zoe Lyons and Lucy Porter. and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.