The Unbelievable Truth - 24x05 Guns, Magic, Berries, Crocodiles

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

24x05 13 July 2020 Henning Wehn, Lou Sanders, Sindhu Vee, Neil Delamere Guns, Magic, Berries, Crocodiles

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell, and it's another show recorded in lockdown, during which, I must admit, I've put on about half a stone. On the plus side, it's all in hair. Please welcome Sindhu V, Lou Sanders,

Neil Delamere and Henning Vane. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth.

First up is Henning Vane. Like the rest of us, Henning has been in lockdown since March, emerging only to join in local VE Day celebrations. Mixed emotions there, of course. Henning, your subject is guns, weapons consisting of a metal tube from which bullets, shells or other missiles are propelled by explosive force. Before Henning begins, can we hear each of your buzzers, please?

Henning goes... BELL Sindhu goes... BELL Lovely. Neil? BELL Very clear tone you're getting out of that party blower. And Lou. Splendid. Okay, please start your lecture, Henning. Buzzers at the ready, the rest of you. Shouts to the youth. Before we start, it's important to say at this point that although I look like a drill rapper, I'm actually not one.

Even though my attic is full of blingin' bitches, which I panicked for at the beginning of the COVID-19 emergency. According to the National Rifle Association, guns were invented by Jesus. In fact, the Crusader is a US assault rifle

designed especially for Christians. Sindhu. Is there a especially for Christians. Sindhu. Is there a gun for Christians called Crusader? There is, indeed. It's an assault rifle produced by a Florida gunmaker. It's engraved with the cross of the Knights Templar and Psalm 144, verse 1. Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for war and my fingers for battle. It also has three settings.

Peace, safety on, war, single shot, and God wills it, fully automatic. That's insane. Surely there should be a fourth option where you shoot somebody and they're dead for three days and then they come back. The manufacturers claim that these features will keep the guns out of the hands of Muslim terrorists. Muslim groups have denounced it as fomenting hatred, division and violence.

It thanks to guns that the whole world is Christian these days and not some other barbaric religion. In the time of George I, James Puckle invented a gun that would fire round bullets at Christians and square bullets at Muslims, which would hurt more and convince them of the benefits of Christian civilisation. Sindhu? I think that the gun that did round bullets to Christians and square bullets to Muslims is true. It is absolutely true. Whoa!

Yeah, the second Islamophobic weapon of the lecture. The puckle gun, or defence gun as it was also known, was the world's first machine gun, invented and patented in 1718 by James Puckle. It could be adjusted to fire round bullets at Christians and square bullets at Turks, based on the belief that square bullets would inflict more horrific injuries, and as Puckle wrote in the patent granted him by George I, it would convince the Turks of the benefits of Christian civilisation. There we go. Yeah. So, yes, that's a key benefit of being a Christian.

You get shot with a lovely round bullet. Barely feel a thing. But even Buddhists enjoy killing people with automatic weapons. A flamethrower used by the Thai army is designed to relieve people of all their earthly belongings. And in that sense, guns are like having an account with petty power casino remember when the fun stops stop hello i do think when the fun stops stop well that's not a fact though it's not a truth that's just a it's an exhort Yeah, because some people might also say,

yeah, but what about perseverance? That's true. Okay. Yes, is that your message to people who are on drugs? No, no, I'm just saying it's just push on through. It can all come good again. Just the other side of the coin. Gun.

Stick to heroin. You'll never get anything if you don't work at it. Now, gun might rhyme with fun, but they have a serious side too. America is so serious about guns that in Bellaricky, Arkansas, newborn children are given a silver christening pistol. In the town of Romford, Tennessee, and it's illegal not to carry an automatic weapon. Yes, Lou. First one, true. Babies, guns, love it. Billericay, Arkansas, children given silver christening pistols. Yeah, why not? Not true, unfortunately. And Billericay, Arkansas doesn't exist. Neil. I'll go the second one, true. Romford, Tennessee. Yeah Tennessee There is no Romford in Tennessee I think a juxtaposition of Essex with

American States might have been in Henning's mind at this point There is a Rockford, but not a Romford The Romford Files Was that not a James Garner who just wandered round Essex solving crimes Was that not him? It would be a good sort of Danny Dyer remake

wouldn't it? Yeah. The Romford Files. No, but now we come to a truth. It's about Donald Trump's golf bag. And that contains high-powered rifles along with clubs. Now, as a peace-loving nation, Germany has manufactured very few firearms. Those it has dabbled with include such peaceful guns as the Windkanone, which fires mostly lovely fresh air.

There was also the Krummlauf, which could shoot around corners and so avoid any direct confrontation with the enemy. Yes, Neil? There is a gun that shoots around corners, because I've seen it on the news. I just don't know if the Germans invented it. You're absolutely right. The gun's curved barrel and periscopic sights allowed soldiers to shoot around corners. However, the weapon

was not a success, as the barrel attachment would quickly wear out with the pressure of the bullets fired. Well, and even worse, towards the end of the war, Germany started to run out of corners. Well, that's it for me. I have to tend to my aforementioned bling and bitches.

Interestingly, bling is a town in Bavaria that is home to the only gun makers not welcome at my comedy gigs, Heckler and Coff. Thank you, Henning. And at the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Donald Trump's golf bag contains high-powered rifles along with clubs.

And the second truth is that Germans designed the Windkanone, which fires mostly lovely fresh air. It was packed with hydrogen and ammonia that, upon detonation, would eject a shell of compressed air. The Nazis hoped these shells would create whirlwinds to swat Allied planes out of the sky. However, during trials, the gusts from the cannon had almost no effect on planes.

And that means, Henning, you've scored two points. Pablo Picasso used to carry a revolver loaded with blanks that he used to shoot at anyone he considered overly dull. Some people were so startled that for a second their eyes appeared on the opposite side of their face. OK, we turn now to Lou Sanders. Lou, your subject is magic, the art of making things happen that would usually be impossible,

either by deception and sleight of hand or the use of supernatural forces. Off you go, Lou. Magic! Early magic tricks were known as hanky-panky and in my house they still are. Yes, Sindhu. Was early magic called hanky-panky? It was, yes.

The term hocus-pocus is derived from a corruption of the Latin phrase hocest corpus, meaning this is the body. This phrase was used by magicians before performing a trick to make it sound as if they were muttering an ancient spell. Later on in the mid-19th century, hocus pocus was further corrupted to hokey pokey and hanky panky and these were used by magicians whilst performing their tricks. One of the oldest illusions is a disappearing penis trick which goes back to Roman times. But in the 1970s in Nigeria, it became a craze that got out of hand and a number of people were arrested and accused of stealing penises with magic. Please, I've heard that excuse a thousand times.

Oh, it's not usually so small. Someone put a spell on me. By the way, in Nigeria, only one man was found guilty and he got a very stiff sentence. Thank you. Cindy. I think in 1970s Nigeria there was something with magic penises and people taking them. That is absolutely right. Yes. Yes. Dr. Sunday Ilachukwu, a psychiatrist who was working in Kaduna in northern Nigeria, documented an epidemic of penis theft in Nigeria between 1975 and 1977. This was part of a larger phenomenon in Western Africa

where traditional religions and a belief in witchcraft led to accusations of the theft or shrinking of men's genitals using black magic. But people would only believe, apparently, that their penis hadn't been magicked away when someone pointed out their penis and they'd go oh it's just reappeared um the magical word abracadabra originally meant give us a break and it was used to help protect people when the black plague was on henning now abraham we've already been fooled with that hocus pocus thing. So abracadabra, was that give us a minute?

Well, give us a break. Yeah, give us a break. No, it didn't mean give us a break. No. That would have been too similar as well, wouldn't it? So to the hocus-pocus fact, yeah. But nice to have a chat though, isn't it, sometimes? Oh, yeah, it really is, yeah.

I don't know, it's overrated. An early Christian piggies of Jesus showed him looking absolutely gorgeous with a magic wand and a glamorous assistant who is purported to be Debbie McGee. Houses in Vermont have windows that are slanted diagonally to stop witches flying in on their broomsticks. You know why? Because bitches and witches hate your angles, baby. Straight talk or we walk?

Oh, Henning first. I mean, I'm not going to win anything much here anyway this week. So, I mean, obviously not all windows in Vermont are on an angle, but are there some people superstitiously having the windows slightly on a slant so no one on a broomstick can fly in? That is absolutely right, yes. Oh! Houses in Vermont have diagonally slanted windows known as witch windows, as an old superstition

held that witches could not fly through a window if it was tilted. Ah. Tell you what, if they've mastered to fly on the stick, I'm sure they get the slanted bit right as well, ultimately. Yes, and as you say, you'd need all the windows to be slanted and I suspect that these are just sort of cutesy little architectural features and other windows have vertical

sides which would obviously immediately let the witches in. So you're only kind of redirecting the flow of witches internally in the house like Ikea. Yes. Maybe that's it then. You don't want a witch randomly going in at the attic level. You want them coming at the front, let's talk it through, turn me into a frog, whatever it takes.

Otherwise you can get a build-up of witches in one particular area where you might have witch capacity in other rooms. Yeah. I always think that if I open the windows at the top of the kitchen as well as the windows at the bottom, there is a sort of flow of flies. They sort of come in and go out. And I do have a bit of a one-way system that seems to work out better for me and for the flies.

Alternatively, you could just empty the bin once in a while. Well, I mean, it's all very well to say that, but you don't like the smell of decay like I do. Thank you, Lou. And at the end of that round, Lou, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that early Christian pickies of Jesus show him with what appears to be a magic wand when performing miracles. Jesus commonly appears as a magician on ancient Christian sarcophagi,

despite the fact that the Bible does not take kindly to magic and contains no mention of wands being used. And the second truth is that the magic word abracadabra was used to help protect people when the Black Plague was on. In 1722, Daniel Defoe observed in his Journal of the Plague Year that people still clung to the superstition that speaking or writing the word abracadabra could ward off the plague.

And that means, Lou, you've scored two points. Thank you. In 16th century Italy, corked wine was thought to have been spoiled by a witch's urine, or in the case of British wine, improved. Next up is Sindhu V. Sindhu studied at universities in Delhi, Oxford, Chicago and Toronto, which dispiritingly means she's got more degrees than I've got pairs of shoes. Sindhu, your subject is berries, small, round, often edible fruit,

which are usually either sweet or tart to the taste. Off you go, Sindhu. In the restaurants of North India, the bilberry is always served after the meal. It tastes of mint and is typically 12.5% larger than you thought it would be. Henning. Well, I'm slightly handicapped on this topic because I don't know any of the names.

So when Sindhu says they'll serve the bilberry, what do you think? The bilberry. I mean, for all I know, that's A, a thing, and B, served in a restaurant after dinner. Yeah, but that's how this game works, Henny. Yeah, so I say that's absolutely true. In North India, no meal is complete without having a bilberry.

That's not true. It's not traditional to serve them there, and bilberries are European. I don't think in India anyone even knows what a bilberry is. Oh, yeah. Snowberries are delicious, but for obvious reasons, you should never eat a yellow one. Pineberries look like pine trees and taste like pineapples.

Neil. Pineberries taste like pineapples. Correct. They do. They taste like pineapples. They don't look like pine trees. They look like strawberries. A pineberry is a white strawberry cultivar with red instead of yellow seeds,

which has a pineapple-like flavour. Cowberries taste like beef burgers. Salmonberries taste like tuna and are lovely smoked. Mulberries taste like the ferry to Mull. Moonberries taste like cheese. Milkberries taste like a Milky Way chocolate bar, while the Milky Way itself tastes like raspberries. Henning. I mean, that's a clever way if I've ever heard one on this game. I mean, in years of playing this game, no one's ever mentioned you get five truths through in essentially one sentence

and it all, well, it tastes like that. Well, I don't know. I've never eaten any of them. So for all I know, they're all true or all not true. Right. Possibly. Yeah, so what have you buzzed in to just express consternation? Yeah, I mean, this game, I mean, cut me out of this game.

Well, there's no helping the fact, Henning, that knowing some things about berries will help. Is there still any berries on the table or are all five truths already sailed past? All five truths have not already sailed past. Good, OK then, carry on, Zinu. Do you wish to assert that anything was true in that section? I wouldn't know.

That would be pure speculation on my part. I mean, speculation is... That's the whole game. Yes, speculation is welcomed here, Henning. It's really... Oh, no. Feel free to speculate, but equally, you don't have to. No, I've already done it all wrong with that said billaberry or whatever it was called there.

Now, no. So I've had me fill of berries. You've lost confidence in yourself. A wise man once said, persevere. Just go for it. Go, push through. Go, go, go. Okay, then you buzzer at the ready.

Okay. And then see you. Right. Ancient Egyptians would eat cloudberries as they believed they helped to block out the sun. That's exactly what they used to do. So glad to hear your confidence bounce back so quickly. Unfortunately, that's not true. Cloudberries or Nordic berries are native to Alpine and Tundra regions, so the ancient Egyptians didn't have them.

The Indian plum is banned from Pakistan, even if it has a visa and a passport. I buy into that 100%. The Indian plum is banned from Pakistan, even if it has a visa and a passport. Definitely it would be branded differently in Pakistan. They wouldn't be selling it as an Indian berry because no one would buy it. But it's not true. I was there in January on holidays in India and there was a quite tense atmosphere in regards to tolerance. Were you in North India?

No, flew in two. I don't want to give the whole itinerary, but essentially we were first in Rajasthan, then got tickets for one day cricket between India and Australia in Bangalore and then by coach and train back via Goa back to Delhi. But you don't want to give the whole itinerary. So you don't want to give the whole thing away there. So just to be clear, you went out of your house and then you were on a coach.

And then a train and you literally just go on the train and get off the train. And you probably went into a cafe or a restaurant, didn't you? And that was all fine? It was a long time ago, David, a long time ago. Those were the days, weren't they? Oh, well, never mind. OK, a ripe strawberry will sink in a glass of water. Yes.

It's not true, Lou. Oh. No, they float, ripe strawberries float. In fact, someone on the production tested that. So that's the kind, Lou. Oh. No. They float. Right, strawberries float. In fact, someone on the production tested that. So that's the kind of budget we got. We literally bought a strawberry. So, you know. I don't know whether we ate it or not.

We probably, I don't know, threw it at someone right wing, knowing us at the BBC. Well, you're lucky you had anybody left to pick it. When it's ripe, a cranberry, often referred to as a bounceberry, will bounce seven times. A raspberry will be perfectly ripe for only five seconds, but you'll always be out of the house when it happens. Chuck Berry was the honorary life president of the Louisiana Strawberry Growers Society. The motto of the Louisiana Fruit Growers Society is, an orange is a berry, but a strawberry ain't. Henning.

I mean, I'm all confused now, but they probably say a strawberry isn't a berry because it isn't. You're absolutely right. It is not the motto of the Louisiana Fruit Growers Society, but the statement, an orange is a berry, but a strawberry ain't, is botanically correct. The botanical definition of a berry is a fleshy fruit produced from a single ovary with three distinct layers. The exocarp, outer skin, mesocarp, fleshy middle, and endocarp, innermost part, which holds the seeds. Oranges, grapes, bananas, aubergines, kiwis, tomatoes and watermelons all fall under this classification and are berries.

Strawberries, raspberries, blackberries and mulberries do not. Oh, God. I mean, it's insane. I know we've covered this on this show before. The people of the botanical world have decided to take the word berry, which is well established in the English language for what it means, and apply it not to strawberries, raspberries, blackberries and mulberries, but to bananas, aubergines, watermelons and tomatoes. I've never heard you so furious and

passionate. Well, it's because you didn't hear the episode about nuts. Why use the word berry? That's what I want to say. No, berry is a culinary term. We know what it is. It's a small little fruity thing, right? That is what the word berry is correctly applied to. When you are trying to think of a botanical term that means something specific about an exocarp, a mesocarp and an endocarp,

why use the word berry? Leave the cooks and their berries happily making berry pie with things they know to be berries and invent your own Latin term or use something random like video recorder or radiator or TV where people won't get confused and you won't go around saying, oh, actually, that isn't a radiator on the wall

because it hasn't got a mesocarp. Anyway. Is everything all right at home? Oh, yeah. Yes, absolutely. I never leave the place. Right. Carry on, Cindy.

The sweat from a hippo tastes very similar to blueberry juice. You don't want to know how I discovered that, but let's just say it's a party I'm very keen to forget.

Unfortunately, I can't, as blueberry juice actually enhances your memory. Yes. Blue. Blueberry juice enhances your memory. I'm convinced it's true. You're right. According to research published in the US Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry, blueberries

can play a role in improving memory in older adults at risk of dementia. And that's the end of Sindhu's lecture. And at the end of that round, Sindhu, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the Milky Way itself tastes like raspberries. Astronomers have discovered the chemical ethyl formate in a vast dust cloud at the centre of the Milky Way,

which is the same chemical used as a flavouring agent in some drinks. And the second truth is that when it's ripe, a cranberry, often referred to as a bounceberry, will bounce seven times. Good, firm cranberries have pockets of air inside them that make them bounce, hence their nickname, bounceberries. And that means you've scored two points. It's now the turn of Neil Delamere. Your subject, Neil, is crocodiles or crocodilia,

an order of mostly large, predatory and semi-aquatic reptiles, which includes alligators and caimans. Off you go, Neil. What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? Zoologists agree that the former is generally seen later, whereas the latter is most commonly seen in a while. The world's largest known crocodile and the world's smallest man are from the same island. To be honest, the man hasn't been seen for a few days.

It takes one alligator to make a pair of shoes and three to make a pair of boots because they work in shifts. Crocodiles' vision and hearing are very poor, so to hunt they must rely entirely on their sense of irony. Henning. What's weak, apparently? What can't they do very well?

The hearing and what else? Vision and hearing. Needlework. Terrible needlework. Vision and hearing. That's both fairly crucial To know what you're doing But they do it somehow else

They do it via their scales They know via their scales What's what They just sort of feel it In their scales They just always go by Their gut feeling That's not true

They have excellent night vision And strong hearing The Everglades Oompa band Had to be disbanded When it became clear That whenever they heard a tuba player hit a B-flat, male alligators within earshot would become sexually aroused. In 1998, at a Florida wildlife park, an alligator tried to mount a piece of luggage that had been made out of his own mother. The park rangers immediately intervened. They had trouble getting him off, but they felt he needed some sort of release. park rangers immediately intervened.

They had trouble getting him off, but they felt he needed some sort of release. There was an alligator who was attracted to an item of luggage. That was made out of his own mother? No, that bit not, but out of just attracted to luggage made of alligator skin or something. No, there's no evidence for a wild alligator ever being aroused by a piece of alligator skin luggage. In 1981, Lorne Green, TV star of Bonanza, stepped into an alligator's enclosure.

The alligator proceeded to bite off one of Green's nipples. In hindsight, he probably shouldn't have been wearing a Lacoste T-shirt. Cindy? I think he did step into an alligator thing and was bitten. No. On his nipple. No, it's not true, although it's widely repeated on the internet. When asked why he didn't bite the alligator back, Green replied because it was Good Friday and she was meat. He should have known that the church considers alligators to be fish and fit for Friday's menu. Come the heron nesting season, alligators in Louisiana balance sticks on their snouts.

season, alligators in Louisiana balance sticks on their snouts. The predator can then grab any bird that tries to take a twig, a situation David Attenborough once described as nature's deadliest game of Jenga. Indian crocodiles do the same thing with shite leather necklaces and gap year students.

Is there on some scale almost like the berry incident earlier are alligators categorised as fish? You're absolutely right. In 2010, the Archbishop of New Orleans officially approved alligators as seafood, meaning they could be eaten as well as fish during Lent.

Alligator is a popular dish in Louisiana, particularly in New Orleans, which has a large Catholic population. Thank you, Neil. And at the end of that round, Neil, you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the world's largest known crocodile and the world's smallest man are from the same island.

The island is in the Philippines and it's called Mindanao. It's home to the largest crocodile in the world, measuring 20.24 feet, and it's also home to the world's shortest man, Junrei Bala Wing, just 23.6 inches tall. The second truth is that it takes one alligator to make a pair of shoes and three to make a pair of boots. Only the skin from the belly of the animal is used. The third truth is that alligators are indeed aroused by the note B flat. In 1944, whilst

rehearsing for a show at the American Museum of Natural History, the New York Philharmonic noticed a resident alligator named Oscar started bellowing out its mating call, apparently in response to the music. An experiment was quickly devised to find the cause, and it was discovered that B flat was the note

that provoked the reaction. In 2007, the Tampa Bay Times decided to repeat the experiment at Gatorland in Florida. They brought in a couple of tuba players and found that when the duo played a sustained B-flat, all the male alligators went wild, roaring and bellowing out their natural mating calls. And the fourth truth is that come the heron nesting season,

alligators in Louisiana balance sticks on their snouts. their natural mating calls. And the fourth truth is that come the heron nesting season, alligators in Louisiana balance sticks on their snouts. The predator can then grab any bird that tries to take a twig. And it's the first recorded case of reptiles using tools and the first known case of predators timing the use of lures according to the seasonal behaviour of their prey. And that means, Neil, you've scored four points. Oh. Alligators kill about 7% of their own young.

To be fair, home educating takes a toll on everyone. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus three points, we have Lusandus. In third place, with minus one point, it's Henningveen. In second place, with one point, it's Henning Vein. In second place with one point, it's Sindhu V. And in first place with an unassailable two points, it's this week's winner, Neil Delamere. Yay!

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Henning Vane, Lou Sanders, Neil Delamere and Sindhu V. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith.

It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.