The Unbelievable Truth - 24x06 Poison, Heavy Metal, Painters, Winter Sports

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

24x06 20 July 2020 Lucy Porter, Sean Lock, Zoe Lyons, Jack Dee Poison, Heavy Metal, Painters, Winter Sports

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to another lockdown edition of The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. We're delighted to be back on the air in our usual 6.30 evening slot. Remember, in lockdown, it's always best to try and not start drinking until 7. Or if you can hold on a little longer, after breakfast.

I'm joined by four comedians all desperate to get out of homeschooling their kids. So time to say hello to our quartet of quarantined quipsters. Somebody let me go outside. Please welcome Zoe Lyons, Jack D, Lucy Porter and Sean Locke. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth.

First up is Lucy Porter. During lockdown, Lucy took part in an alternative Eurovision song contest representing San Marino. Tiny and often ignored, Lucy is a very successful comedian. Lucy, your subject is poison, a toxin capable of causing illness or death in a living organism after being swallowed, inhaled or absorbed through the skin, or, in the case of venom, after it's actively injected via a bite or sting.

Before Lucy begins, can we hear each of your buzzers, please? Lucy goes... Sean. Zoe goes... And Jack goes... Superb. OK, please start your lecture, Lucy. Buzzers at the ready, the rest of you.

You may be surprised to learn that all the natural substances that we associate with the festive season are in fact highly poisonous. Holly and ivy are the core ingredients of cyanide. Cinnamon is the source of the nerve agent sarin. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected and mistletoe was first fixed above doorways

by the Russian Secret Service. Oh, I think that was the quack was first there. I think it was that the grated nutmeg is poisonous if injected. That is correct. Yes, nutmeg is indeed extremely poisonous if injected, though it would be hard to inject as it's non-soluble, so it would need to be injected in paste form.

If taken orally, a toxic dose of nutmeg is just two to three teaspoons that's still quite a lot of nutmeg though isn't it really you've got a bloody love nutmeg to put that much in be a lot of grating you don't get much do you if you haven't grated a nutmeg i love a nutmeg grater i always feel like a giant when you're using a nutmeg grater just pretend you're a giant grating i don't sorry actually i feel like a normal person. Oh, it's a Lucy Porter sized grater. Lucy thinks she's grating a melon. My whole family pitch in to help.

One of us lifts the grater and two of us lift the nutmeg. In the forests of Brazil absolutely everything is poisonous. Touching the grapefruit tree, absolutely everything is poisonous. Touching the grapefruit tree frog will kill you instantly. Pineapple fire ant... Oh, yes, Zoe. It's stuffed full of really dangerous frogs down there,

but I don't know whether it's the grapefruit tree frog. I might have buzzed in a bit too quick on that, but I've got to go for it, because they've got a lot that if you lick or touch, that's it, you're gone. They use them in poisonous darts, don't they? There definitely are various poisonous amphibians out there, but the grapefruit tree frog doesn't exist. Yeah, I thought...

In hindsight, that did seem a little foolish. Naive is what that was. That was very naive, sorry. You were falling into my trap like the grapefruit tree frog's natural prey. Pineapple fire ants cause paralysis, delusions of grandeur and memory loss. Yes, John. I'm going to go for the pineapple fire ants. No, they don't exist either.

No, completely invented. They ruin a pizza. Have you ever eaten ants? Not deliberately. I've eaten ants deliberately in a Japanese restaurant, and they tasted lemony. Really? Yeah, but so does lemon, so there's no real need to put ants on a plate. But I was interested to try it, and they were lemony.

What was the texture of it like, David? It's difficult to get the texture because they're so small. Leg or breast? I mean the whole thing, brain, alimentary canal, it just all went down and all I got was lemon. Were you aware of people in the kitchen laughing and watching you? He's eaten it. With one of them carrying a giant leaf across the plate.

I've eaten it. With one of them carrying a giant leaf across the plate. While for careless men, venom from the banana spider can cause a four-hour erection followed by death. That's actually how my uncle Brian died. Aunty Sheila was devastated, but she had been wanting a new towel rail, so it was swings and roundabouts, really.

I'm going for the banana spider. The banana spider is correct. Oh. Yeah. One of them had to be, didn't it? Yeah. A bite from the Brazilian wandering spider, also known as the banana spider due to its yellow and black legs,

can cause long and painful erections, lasting up to four hours, followed by death. Painful for who? It's doubly bad luck if you die that way because you have to have an expensive coffin as well. They're very discreet about that, the undertakers. Will it be a special one? Do you need a loft extension?

Or just simply a hole? I mean, you know... Or they usually put the handles on the side. Just a conservatory or something on top of it. Like a popemobile. Just put a wreath over it. Just chuck it from a distance

and see if you can get it on. Anyway. Lucy. If you want to poison someone effectively, be prepared to pay. Fresh toxins extracted from the African cheese wasp retail for $10 million per gallon. The saliva of the South African boom slang snake will set you back $26.5 million, of the South African boom slang snake will set you back 26.5 million, while artisanal hand-milked death stalker scorpion venom

is the most expensive liquid in the world, costing nearly $40 million per gallon. Sean. I'm going to go for the first one. The African cheese wasp. No, not the African cheese wasp. Yeah. That just sounds insane, doesn't it?

Not that first one. Not that first one. The other one. What first one? The other one. The middle-y it? Not that first one. Not that first one. The other one. What first one? The other one. The middly first one. OK, the ones are the saliva of the South African boom slang snake, 26.5 million, and artisanal hand-melt Deathstalker scorpion venom, nearly $40 million a gallon.

I'll go for the scorpion. You're right. million dollars a gallon i'll go for the scorpion you're right yes the death stalker scorpion whose sting is estimated to be a hundred times worse than a bee sting produces venom that costs 39 million dollars per gallon and it's probably the most expensive liquid in the world 130 dollars will buy you a droplet that's smaller than a grain of sugar what do people use it for uh well i see some now to be honest researchers have used the venom successfully to eliminate malaria in mosquitoes and to cure bone disease in rats well done sean for correctly guessing the first one at the end of the 19th century mar Marie Curie discovered radiation and promptly died. To protect the mourners at her funeral, her remains had to be interred in an inch-thick lead coffin.

Yes, Sean. Well, she did discover radium and she did die. But Marie Curie didn't actually discover radiation, but she did discover radium and polonium, which emitted radiation, but she didn't discover that. So is it that she discovered radiation and promptly died, or is it that to protect the mourners at her funeral, her remains had to be interred in an inch-thick lead coffin? Well, I imagine that's true as well.

That is true. You can have a point. It's the coffin bit that's true. She didn't promptly die. She discovered radium in 1898 and didn't die till 1934 really i always thought she died like a couple of like minutes later yeah she just had enough to write it down it's radium i think it's lovely turns out she had quite a long half-life yeah yeah no it's 36 years it took to kill her so it's more like cigarettes really isn't it years it took to kill her, so it's more like cigarettes really, isn't it? Maybe she was just glowing.

Horses sweat, men perspire, but Marie Curie positively lit up. Yes, when Marie Curie discovered radium and polonium, no one was aware of how harmful they were to human health, so she never

protected herself during her experiments. As a result, she's interred in the Pantheon in Paris in an inch-thick lead coffin to prevent visitors from being exposed to radiation. Her laboratory notebooks are stored in lead-lined boxes at France's Bibliothèque Nationale, and visitors must sign

a liability waiver and put on protective gear before they're able to handle them. Obviously you have to do that before going to tesco now so many famous artworks reveal evidence that the subjects were suffering the effects of poisoning telltale signs show that the laughing cavalier had his wine spiked with magic mushrooms and the enigmatic smile on the mona lisa was the result of early stage cholesterol poisoning caused by obesity. There's apparently a full-length version of the painting

where the thighs follow you around the room. Thank you, Lucy. And at the end of that round, Lucy, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the enigmatic smile on the Mona Lisa was the result of early-stage cholesterol poisoning. This is according to Dr Vito Franco, a professor of pathology at the University of Palermo, who believes the model's face in the 16th century painting of the Mona Lisa

suggests a subcutaneous accumulation of cholesterol around her left eye, as well as benign tumours of fatty acid on her right hand, both signs of very high cholesterol levels. Tumours of fatty acid on her right hand. Both signs of very high cholesterol levels. Wow. I think, in some level, Dr Vito Franco doesn't look at art in the right way. No. You wouldn't want to date him.

No, you wouldn't. Although, if you had a cholesterol issue, he would probably pick it up quite quickly. In quite a hurtful way, though, by the sound of it. Yeah. Yeah, you're no oil painting. Anyway, that means, Lucy, you've scored one point. OK, we turn now to Sean Locke. Sean, your subject is heavy metal,

a sub-genre of rock music characterised by highly amplified distortion, extended guitar solos and emphatic beats. Off you go, Sean. You can't enjoy heavy metal unless it's played really loud. A Slayer gig in Switzerland caused an avalanche, and at their peak, a Motorhead concert was recorded as louder than the Big Bang. Zoe. I'm going to go for the Motorhead thing.

I'm sure at some point they'll have... Did you say Big Bang? Than the Big Bang. Oh, yeah, probably. Oh, God, I thought Sonic Boo. I don't know why I thought Sonic Boo. Mind you, no, I'm going to stick with it. No, I've gone in. I'm committing. I reckon Motorhead really could

have been louder than the Big Bang. You're right. According to astronomer Mark Whittle of the University of Virginia, the universe started more as a hiss than a bang, with the Big Bang itself measuring about 110 decibels. Motorhead, who titled one of their albums

Everything Louder Than Everyone Else, managed to reach a decibel level of 130 at a concert in Cleveland in 1984, so loud that it caused the ceiling to crack and the band was forced to stop playing on health and safety grounds. I first discovered heavy metal during a yoga class. The teacher put on Metallica, opened a can of lager, and started screaming in my face.

Brilliant. It was called Rage Yoga. There's a heavy metal track to suit every possible occasion. A wealthy Russian fan has a heavy metal sommelier who can recommend the perfect track for any situation. Slipknot go down a treat apparently before a dental appointment. I'm a part-time metaller so I only put on my black sabbath t-shirt, denim waistcoat and wig when I'm going to see a band. My wig is ginger and reaches

down to my back or my belly button depending on which way I put it on. Obviously, I have dyed my pubic hair the same colour. In fact, I'm not sure which I did first. Anyway, the wig is essential as there is no sadder sight than a bald man headbanging. It's like watching a dolphin trying to masturbate. My favourite band is Motley Crue, or Motley Crue as they're known in Germany, due to the umlaut over the O. Lucy.

It'd be Mertley Crue, but it might sound like Muttley. Their heavy metal umlaut is not a real umlaut, is it? You're absolutely right. The American band Motley Crue decided to add the umlauts to their name after drinking the German beer Lohenbrau. Lead singer Vince Neil explained, We put some umlauts in there because we thought it made us look European. We had no idea that it was a pronunciation thing. When we finally went to Germany, the crowds were chanting Motley Crue, Motley Crue.

We couldn't figure out why the F they were doing that. figure out why the F they were doing that. You only need to look at metal fans to see that they are the happiest and most well-adjusted of all music fans. In fact, they're so happy, they don't care what they look like or how badly they smell. Animals enjoy the music too.

Cows, who are played heavy metal, produce more milk. Jack? I think there's something to do with playing music to cows that helps the production of milk. Not heavy metal, unfortunately. And I think it would probably stress them out. I'm going to go for the chimpanzees jumping up and down a lot more with heavy metal. No, they don't.

That's two things that's got to be there. It's been an expensive paragraph for you. I beg you, put aside your prejudices and put on some heavy metal today. It will liberate your inner nutcase and let it run around screaming and shouting for a while. Then, when you've had enough, you calmly fold away your denim waistcoat,

pull off your Black Sabbath T-shirt, and go to casualty to get your wig removed. Thank you, Sean. And at the end of that round, Sean, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that there is such a thing as rage yoga, which involves heavy metal music, swearing, beer and screaming at the top of your voice. The second truth is that heavy metal fans are the happiest

and most well-adjusted of all music fans. A 2015 study of 154 metal fans and 153 adults who listened to other musical genres found that metalheads, quote, reported higher levels of youthful happiness. And the third truth is that termites eat wood faster listening to metal. That's the one I should have gone for, isn't it? Yes. You were all around it, weren't you?

Yeah. Yeah. Makes you sick, doesn't it? Hey-ho, just a game. Yeah. Yeah. And at the end of that round, then, you've scored three points. Next up is Zoe Lyons.

Zoe lives in Hove with her wife, who is a nurse. Finally, that relationship pays off in priority delivery slots from Ocado. Zoe, your subject is painters, artists who paint pictures. Off you go, Zoe. It might interest you to know that I am a distant relative of a renowned painter from the west coast of Ireland. Connor Larkin Lyons

specialised in nudes, which was considered a risky choice in the religiously conservative country at the time. To save gallery goers their blushes, he would attach a flap over the figure depicting them dressed, which could be lifted up to reveal the nude version underneath. Jack? I think I'm believing this already, what Zoe's saying about this artist. depicting them dressed which could be lifted up to reveal the nude version underneath jack i think

i'm believing this already what's only saying about this artist the flap using nude artist yeah it's not true i'm afraid yeah i believed it too actually lucy loses the point as well for joining in yes Yes. Yeah. After he cut off his lug, Dutch dauber Vincent van Gogh struggled to keep his glasses on and had to resort to holding them in place with a rubber band. None of the prostitutes at his local brothel would accept his snipped-off ear, which he offered as payment for services. So in the end, he just gave it to the cleaning lady as it was her birthday. Sweet thought.

When she unwrapped it, she cried out, What's this ear? To which Vincent replied, Pardon? Lucy. He tried to give it to his cleaning lady. It is true that he gave it to the cleaning lady at the brothel. On December 23, 1888, Van Gogh suffered a mental breakdown,

cut off his ear and gave it to a brothel cleaner called Gabby, telling her to keep this object carefully. She promptly fainted. The Greek painter Zeusus laughed so hard at one of his own paintings he broke a blood vessel and died. Sean? I think there's something about somebody laughing so hard at a painting they died. That's true.

The Greek painter, Zeuxis... Zeuxis. Yeah, who worked during the 5th century BC, is said to have died laughing whilst attempting a painting of Aphrodite, goddess of love, after the old woman who commissioned it insisted on modelling for the portrait herself. So it's a slightly nasty story. Comedy was very different back then you could get away with a lot more back then that's all i'll say yeah those were the days

the professionally eccentric salvador dali arrived at a party in new york dressed as a swan on the back of a giraffe which was led by two chimpanzees who were dressed as two completely different chimpanzees. In 1955, Dali filled up a white Rolls Royce with 500 kilos of cauliflower, which he drove from Spain to Paris to feed to 100 white rabbits. Lucy? I'm going to go for one of the Dalis. Is it the car full of cauliflower, or is it dressing up chimpanzees as completely different chimpanzees?

That is the question. I'll go for the car full of cauliflower or is it dressing up chimpanzees as completely different chimpanzees? That is the question. I'll go for the car full of cauliflower. Correct. Yes. When asked the reason for his journey, he replied, everything ends up in the cauliflower. He's right, though, isn't he? When you think about it. Well, everything ends up in the cauliflower.

Yeah, he's so right. That's what our dinner ladies used to say. ends up in the cauliflower. Yeah, he's so right. That's what our dinner ladies used to say. Floor sweepings, pot scrapings. Old plasters. Yeah, everything ends up in there. Bits of Maureen's hair. Everything ends up in the cauliflower. Say what you want about

Darlie, but he was spot on. Andy Warhol's wig was actually made out of a mixture of merino wool and candy floss. He claimed to eat only once a month, as his creativity provided all the nutrients he needed. However, he did publish a cookbook which included recipes for roast iguana and poached fighting fish. Jack? I think he might have claimed to be eating only once a month. That's not true, no. No. It didn't. What about what I, can I?

Yes. Can I go for the cookbook, please? You can go for the cookbook and it's correct. It included recipes for gefilte of fighting fish and roast iguana Andalusian. It sold 20 copies, the rest were given away.

Was the cookbook a tie-in with a TV series as well? Andy Warhol cooks. That's what they normally do, isn't it? Yeah. With Michael Portillo in it, maybe. Japanese artist Amy Sato prefers a frozen dead rat on a stick to a conventional brush. Stan Murmer dips his bum into paint and uses his buttocks as a brush,

while Daniel Johansson slaps his canvas with a giant paint-dipped cod. He tends to work on a large scale. Oh, right. Train whistle was first. Lucy? OK, the bum guy I'm going for. You go for him rightly. American artist Stephen Murmer, who paints under the name Stan Murmer, interesting,

is a self-described butt-printing artist. He believes that the metaphysical energy from his body is transferred to the canvas via his bottom. And that's the end of Zoe's lecture. At the end of that round, Zoe, I'm afraid to say you've managed to smuggle no truth past the rest of the panel,

so have scored no points. It's now the turn of Jack D. After leaving school, Jack originally intended to go to drama school, but instead became a waiter, beating the rest of that year's drama school intake by three years. Your subject, Jack, is winter sports.

Sports that take place in the winter on ice or snow. Off you go, Jack. Winter sports, or summer sports as they're known in Australia, were dreamed up in 1902 by a Finnish gymnast, Jørgen Neflesiabols, who realised that prancing around in your vest and pants in the snow was really cold and horrible. around in your vest and pants in the snow was really cold and horrible so he devised a series of sporting events that could be done wearing long trousers and anoraks ironically the sport in which you wore the most clothes at that time ice hockey was played at the summer olympics and not the winter olympics sean i'm gonna i'm gonna oh i just feel a bit silly now but the ice hockey I'm going to... I'm going to... Oh, I just feel a bit silly now, but ice hockey at the Summer Olympics. You're right.

Yes, it was first played at the Summer Olympic Games in 1920 before being transferred to the Winter Games in 1924. At the 1948 Winter Olympics in the summer, it's a pentathlon was held that consisted of five segments, skiing, shooting, fencing and horse riding. And more skiing. Zoe. I'm going to go with that.

Because that sounds like something they would have done in the army or something. And then they've transferred it to sport. It's like the sort of Bond film pentathlon. Yeah. It's absolutely true. A winter pentathlon competition was held at the 1948 Winter Olympics in St Moritz, comprising cross-country skiing, pistol shooting, downhill skiing, fencing, and finally a horse-jumping equestrian course.

The NHS, on average, patches up around 12,000 leg and arm breakages per annum due to skiing, not to mention the broken noses suffered in the pub when bragging about your fortnight in Val d'Isere. Lucy, I think it was before Sean got worked up enough to make a noise. 20,000 a year. In fact, that might be a bit low, but I'm going to go for it. 20,000 a year get patched up for skiing injuries. It was actually 12,000 that I think Jack said. But it's not true anyway.

About 10,000 Brits get injured skiing, but almost all of them would be treated abroad, not by the NHS. Yeah, good point. Took one for the team there, Lucy. Well done. Ski ballet is now an Olympic event and practitioners can often be found warming up with a classic exercise, good snow, naughty snow. Ski ballet can also be studied to degree level at Helsinki University. Most students get a 2-2.

Grass skiing was invented in 1966 by John Noakes, the Blue Peter presenter, who was tired of being crapped on by elephants and making really rubbish Tracy Islands out of yoghurt cartons. Of course, the world of showbiz is famously littered with winter sports enthusiasts. Rapper Ice T takes his name from a love of snow golf, a pastime played exclusively amid the snow and ice of Alaska. Because the conditions require orange balls and holes that pump out hot air, the locals call it Trumpy. Sean?

I think there's something true about the gulf. Snow gulf requiring orange balls and holes that pump out hot air. Not true, I'm afraid. Of course not. Of course not. I feel so stupid now. I was going to go for John Noakes, but he just moved so fast, I never got a chance.

You've got to get your panting up to speed if you think he's likely to move. Keep it at some sort of base level, Sean, as you're always on the ready. Yeah, yeah. That's it. Keep yourself half-primed. Yeah. I think we've all stood next to you on the tube. Yes. You're keeping it fluffed and then it'll go off when you need it.

I'm ready. Right. How long have you got left, Jack? Because I'm ready to keep it going. Jack. All right. Sister Sledge started off as a feminist bobsleigh team. Sledge started off as a feminist bobsleigh team.

Snow Patrol met when they were working as security guards at a top people's ski resort. Sean. Snow Patrol. No. No. They met at the University of Dundee and were originally called Polar Bear. And the thing a lot of people don't realise about Bruce Springsteen is that he is fanatical about curling. The boss has all the curling kit and always tears with his own broom,

but not with the stones, as that would cause confusion at Ticketmaster. Thank you, Jack. Very good. Very good. Yes, at the end of that round, Jack, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that ski ballet is an Olympic event. Wow. A combination of figure skating and skiing and became a popular winter sport in the late 70s and 80s, but was removed following a decline in popularity. The second truth is that grass skiing was invented in 1966, which involves wheels being attached to the bottom of skis. It's since become a competitive sport in its own right and the International Ski Federation hold an annual World Cup grass ski competition. And the third truth is that Bruce Springsteen is fanatical about curling. He's a keen curling fan and rents out curling rinks while on tour so that he can play. Other celebrity curling fans include George Clooney and Jon Bon Jovi.

And that means, Jack, you've scored three points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus three points, we have Jack D. In third place, with minus two points, it's Zoe Lyons. And in joint first place, with an unassailable three points each,

it's this week's winners, Lucy Porter and Sean Locke. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Jack Dee, Sean Locke, Zoe Lyons and Lucy Porter. and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.