The Unbelievable Truth - 25x01 London, Names, Divorce, Bats

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

25x01 11 January 2021[27] Frankie Boyle, Miles Jupp, Sara Pascoe, Holly Walsh London, Names, Divorce, Bats

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Today I'm joined by four comedians down the line from their high-tech home broadcasting studios or, in one instance, their downstairs toilet. Please welcome Miles Jupp, Sarah Pascoe, Holly Walsh and Frankie Boyle.

The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Holly Walsh. Holly, your subject is bats, small nocturnal flying mammals. But before you start, Holly, let's test our special lockdown buzzers. Holly goes... Lovely, a subtle train. Miles goes... A depressed duck. Sarah goes... A receptionist's bell. And Frankie goes a suicidal clown.

OK, please start your lecture, Holly. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Part gerbil, part hang glider, all nightmare creature from another dimension. I am, of course, talking about celebrity grocer Greg Wallace. But forget that, as I really want to tell you about bats, because everyone knows bats are amazing. For example, without bats, there would be no limes because bats are one of only two creatures that can propagate the seeds of the lime tree.

The other creature, coincidentally enough, is Greg Wallace. Without bats, there would also be no tequila and no orange liqueur because bats bloody love a margarita. What's particularly amazing is that unlike some species of animals, there are only seven types of bat. Frankie? I'm going to go for that because I've got no clue about bats, but maybe there are only seven. No, I'm afraid to say there are many hundreds. There are 1,400 species of bat. And in fact, bats make up about a quarter of all mammals. Wow. So if you're a mammal, there's a one in four chance that your species is a bat. And in fact, bats make up about a quarter of all mammals. Wow. So if you're a mammal, there's a one in four chance that your species is a bat. So at least one of us is a bat. Yes.

Because there's five of us here. If the BBC actually represented this planet, that would be the case. It would be one and a quarter bats among us. I'm surprised I only lose one point for that. It was so wrong. Do you think you should lose a point for that. It was so wrong. Do you think you should lose a point for every species of bat there is more than seven? There's the snub-nosed vegetable bat, which swoops down from the sky and attacks unsuspecting radishes. There's the cricket bat, which survives solely on a diet of grasshoppers and really hates Australians. There's the thumbless bat, so-called because it has trouble opening cans. Frankie. I'm going to say there's a thumbless bat. There is a thumbless bat. Bats commonly have thumbs, it says here, which sit along the leading edge of their wings and commonly contain claws which are used for climbing, handling food and

fighting. But the thumbless bat has a reduced thumb, which is covered by wing membrane. Not really thumbless, is it? It's not thumbless. It's got less thumb. I've got very small thumbs myself, so... But no-one would call you thumbless. Exactly. David simply wouldn't hear it. No.

There's the lopsided bat, also known as the socialist bat, as it has a larger left wing. There's the blue bat, which is green. Frankie. Yeah, maybe there's a blue bat that's green. No. It's interesting that Frankie's gone from not believing in there are any bats to now being like,

yeah, that sounds like a real bat. The blue bat sounds absolutely bang on, actually. There's the bald pudding bat, which co-presents MasterChef. there's the bald pudding bat which co-presents master chef you might think you've heard of some other types of bat but you're either wrong or a damn liar for example the vampire bat isn't actually a bat at all it's a drunk man in an outfit you can tell by the way he runs after his prey on foot vomits after every meal and aggressively shouts at every female who comes near him on the off chance they'll find him charming and go to Sarah. Oh, I'm going to say that we don't know yet if they break wind or not.

You're absolutely right. Yes. You actually rang the bell before that was fully expressed. Well, do you know why? It's because I was going to say it about something else, but then I heard that and I thought that's actually much more likely. Yeah. It is true that scientists are unsure whether or not bats fart.

There is currently no documented evidence of bats farting. A bat's digestive system does contain the correct bacteria to produce the gas that leads to farts, but bats digest and excrete their food so quickly that there may not be enough time for gases to build up. You can't help thinking if a few of the bat scientists had concentrated on the virus side of things rather than the whole farting business.

You might be in a stronger position. Do you know what? You know on Zoom, if you make a loud noise, in the whole farting business. You might be in a stronger position. Do you know what? You know on Zoom, if you make a loud noise, you suddenly become the main speaker and it goes to the main screen? Yeah. My friend was doing Pilates and someone farted and it all went to the big screen, not there.

Oh, fantastic. Carry on, Holly. Scientists still don't know if they can fart or not, though they do use their poo to clean their faces, so swings and roundabouts. Miles. still don't know if they can fart or not, though they do use their poo to clean their faces, so swings and roundabouts. Miles? I think bats use their own excretia to clean their own faces. Why would they do that, Miles?

Why? It's the opposite of cleaning. It's dirtying, isn't it? It's literally dirtying. They live under a completely different set of societal norms, David. I'm not suggesting that this is something you should embark upon or continue. I think they've got quite furry little faces i don't think poo would be good as a cleaner well you let it dry and then you brush it out okay miles yeah freeze it with an ice cube then brush it out you guys sound like you know a lot about this well bats don't do it so i don't know whether that brings you closer or further away from giving it a go, Miles. That's why they

lower down the food chain. Known in Old Cornish as the airy mouse and in Scottish as the flappy rat, the word bat is actually an acronym for bald aerial taco, as Darwin thought they were related to the taco-taco rodent and that technically makes them an acrobat.

Sarah? I'm going to say that the Darwin fact about the relation to the taco taco is correct. It isn't correct, I'm afraid. It was boring enough to be correct. Excuse me? Don't be so rude. Well, Holly, I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you. I think you deliberately put it in

because you thought people would believe something that boring. Am I right, Holly? No, you are judging it as being boring when other people would have found that fascinating and exciting. How can they find it fascinating if it's not true? I find lots of things that aren't true fascinating, e.g. all films. Is it fascinating? Is that the right word for enjoying a film?

Yeah, I think it's fascinating. You watch Back to the Future, it's fictional. How fascinating. Yeah, exactly. It's fascinating events that did not occur. I do think you need to consider the Future, it's fictional. How fascinating. Yeah, exactly. These fascinating events that did not occur. I do think you need to consider the possibility, David, that you've simply just been rude. Rather than try and say you cannot be fascinated by any works of fiction.

I cannot be rude. I've got a doctor's note that it's impossible. I'm too shy. Sorry I was rude, holly your thing about the taco taco was fascinating and hilarious and so i don't know why sarah was such an idiot to think it might be true when it was such a zinger of a guy why are you only rude to women oh yeah well that's because of the patriarchy haven't you read okay and that is all you need to know about bats the only animal to originate in South London

that has been married four times... No, sorry, that's Craig Wallace again. Thank you, Holly. And at the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that without bats, there would be no tequila. Damn, I was going to do that one. As tequila is made from the distilled juices of the agave plant,

which is pollinated by the long-nosed bat. Second truth is that vampire bats run around after their prey on foot. The other thing about vampire bats that I found interesting and is not reflected in the myth of the vampire is that they urinate as they feed in order to save on weight. I think it would add to the Dracula thing if while putting his fangs in the neck of a maiden, his crotch area became wet.

Don't you think? Maybe that's why he wears black. You can see all the fat he's constantly, absolutely sopping. You're right, you never see a light Dracula in a linen suit. That's why they come out in eight as well. Yeah. Because most men need to get up for a pee in the night. Yeah.

Yes, I certainly do. Sorry, what were you criticising me about being boring for? Oh, no, I mean, fair comment. And the third truth is that the old Cornish word for bat is airy mouse. Literally air mouse. This is similar to the German word for bat, flader mouse or flying mouse. And the French word for bat is chauve-souris or bald mouse. Well, that does sound like Greg Wallace now, doesn't it?

Anyway, that means, Holly, you've scored three points. OK, we turn now to Miles Jupp. Miles claimed in a recent interview that he was deported from the US for being drunk on a plane. He was so pissed the pilot had to finish his drink. That is a lot of untrue things you've just said there, David. Did you not claim that in an interview? No, the headline said I was deported, but I wasn't.

Oh, right. What happened, really? Did they take your port away? Look, it's a very old story and we don't need to go into it now. It was actually because of your sympathies for ISIS. Well, the connection between drinking and the near deportation was the fact that I,

the bit where they hand out the form that you have to fill in, I filled in when I was not making clear choices. Did you fill it in in a funny way? Yes, all that thing they say about don't make jokes in security. Anyway, it's all water under the bridge.

Which is how you now have to get to America. That's right. Miles, your subject is names, words by which a person, place or thing is identified and distinguished from others. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Miles. The world of flora and fauna contains more intriguing names and captivating regional variations than any other.

In some parts of the country, bluebells are called Mother's saucy petticoat, cowslips are called whiffy fingers, while stinging nettles are known as the naughty man's plaything. Holly. I reckon one of those is true. Yeah, I do too. Yeah.

Any thoughts? I think the petticoats. Mother's saucy petticoat? Not true, I'm afraid. Bluebells are called hairbells in some parts of the country, but not Mother's saucy petticoat. Not true, I'm afraid. Bluebells are called hairbells in some parts of the country, but not mother's saucy petticoat. Any more for any more? OK, yeah, what about stinging nettles?

Are they the playthings of naughty boys? Are you committing a buzz? No. No? Just making conversation, David. Yes. I'm committing a buzz. You are committing, David. Yes. I'm committing a buzz. You are committing a buzz.

Whiffy fingers. You're going with whiffy fingers? That's not true. Cowslips aren't called whiffy fingers, although it says here the name cowslip derives from the Old English for cow dung because the plant was often found growing amongst the manure in cow pastures. So there is an association of whiffiness, but they weren't called whiffy fingers. Who doesn't love it when a person actually takes the trouble to find a profession that actually suits their name?

For example, residents of Austin, Texas, will have had their vasectomy performed by Dr Dick Chopp. Sarah? I think that Dick Chopp is a real doctor. He certainly is. Woo-hoo! Yes, Dr Richard Chopp, known as Dick Chop, was a member of the urology team in

Austin, Texas, well known for performing vasectomies, and he retired in November 2020. Well, in Bowes, Idaho, one can drop in on a proctologist called Turd McFingleton. And on a related note, Hitler remains a popular first name in Ecuador, although some of them give it

to boys, and to me, that is just weird. Celebrities always use false names when checking into hotels. Danny DeVito uses the name Hinkle Finkle Winkle, OJ Simpson has signed in as the English novelist D.H. Lawrence, and Lorraine Kelly uses the alias Hecuba, Queen of the Sensual Underworld and Mistress of Eternal Pain. Sarah?

I reckon OJ Simpson did use the name D.H. Lawrence. He did. Yes! Yes, well spotted. While on holiday in Florida, O.J. Simpson checked into a beach resort hotel under the pseudonym D.H. Lawrence. Many British place names have been forced to change

after pressure from locals. These include the Doncaster Street Butthole Road, the Essex village of Middlefart, and a Hertfordshire pub called the Old Cock Well Inn Hurts. Yes, Holly? Butthole Road. Correct. Doncaster's Butthole Road was renamed Archer's Way after local residents became tired. So every time you listen to the Archers, think of it as the buttholes.

Residents became tired of the unwanted attention their road was receiving. This included coachloads of American tourists visiting to see the sign, groups of young people taking photos of their exposed bottoms next to the road sign, and delivery companies refusing to believe the address was real. Lovely. Near my mum's house, there's a place called Finger in Ho in Essex. It's really great. The Austrian town of Fuching, spelt F-U-C-K-I-N-G, but pronounced Fuching by them and by me for reasons of broadcastability, changed its name to Fugging after residents became tired of seeing people having sex beside their road sign. How anyone could tire of seeing someone having sex next to a road sign,

I'd love to know. Thank you, Miles. And Miles, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in some parts of the country, stinging nettles are known as the naughty man's plaything.

What? She said that? I really went for that. She did go for that. I said, are you venturing above? And she said no. But David, it sounds like you were giving me a clue to say don't do it. I trusted you, David. No, I wasn't. David, if you don't want me to be boring, help me with the answers, OK?

I didn't say you were boring, Sarah. We've all been sullied by your behaviour today, David. But look, whether you believe it or not, I did not wish to deny Sarah the point or give Sarah the point. I don't care how many points any of you get on any level. The naughty man in question is the devil, who it was assumed derived pleasure and amusement from the discomfort caused by singing nettles.

And the second truth is that Hitler remains a popular first name in Ecuador. I was going to say that. And that means, Miles, you've scored two points. Next up is Sarah Pascoe. Sarah recently revealed that when she was younger, her ambition was to be Prime Minister. A ditzy blonde with a long list of panel game appearances and a hyperactive sex life,

Boris Johnson is still the current Prime Minister. Sarah, your subject is divorce. The dissolution of a marriage contract between two people by a judgment of court or by socially accepted custom. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Sarah. I've been divorced over 200 times. Let's face it, you've probably been divorced yourself and know all about the process.

First, you decide whose fault it was. Facebook in 30% of cases. Frankie. Is Facebook causing 30% of divorces? It is indeed. A survey of law firms from 2015 found that Facebook was cited in a third of all divorce cases based on unreasonable behaviour.

Facebook has frequently been blamed for the breakdown of relationships after one party has made contact with an old flame on the site or simply because one party has spent too much time on Facebook. But that was 2015. I wonder what that's like five years later. But also 30% isn't a third, is it? Do you know what? Pedantry was cited in another 60th. OK, so first you decide whose fault it was,

then you divide up your assets. Chairs, cushions, duvet, and catchphrases. That's right. Famous cases of this include Arnold Schwarzenegger retaining the rights to I'll be back, while assuring the first Mrs Schwarzenegger that he never would.

Yes, Frankie? A long shot, but as part of his image rights or whatever, did Arnold Schwarzenegger keep the rights to his catchphrases in his divorce? No. Balls. I don't think they were mentioned. Sarah? I'll be Hoff, announced David Hasselhoff at the marital breakfast one morning,

making quite sure he took Don't Hassle the Hoff with him. Yes, Holly? Don't Hassle the Hoff. Correct. Yes. Yes, in David Hasselhoff's 2008 divorce settlement with his ex-wife Pamela Bach, he retained possession of the rights to his nickname Hoff and his catchphrase Don't Hassle the Hoff. And his wife kept the catchphrase, I'll be Bach.

Sarah. We've all heard of bigamy, but did you know if you marry after divorcing, you're performing digamy? My favourite king, Philip the Amorous, divorced his first wife because she was starting to put on weight. He thus became known as Philip the Fat Shaming and was kicked off Instagram for two weeks. In the early 2000s, there were a space of divorces citing pubic hair as the problem. Several husbands claimed that their betrothed had the incorrect amount of pubes in the incorrect shape or upkeep. Frankie. Yeah, I'd say that rings true.

An unkempt vagina has been behind a few... A few divorces. Yeah, a few of mine, at least. Not that... Why don't you just take care of it, Frankie? I try my best. I try my best. Well, we're not aware of this as a truth, I'm afraid. Although the art critic John Ruskin was famously believed

to have refused to consummate his marriage to the pre-Raphaelite beauty Effie Grey as he was appalled by the sight of her pubic hair, having previously only seen smooth white Greek statues. But it's also been debated because it could have been that she was menstruating and that's what scared him. Right. And possibly he was gay? Yeah. And the combination of all three, that's going to put you off.

When these reasons were dismissed as unreasonable, civil cases were attempted. Notable civil case wins include exes suing for broken hearts, refusal of a threesome, lack of sex altogether and having a weird middle name. I mean, definitely some of those are actually genuinely true, so what do you do about that? Well, you could buzz and... Oh, there you go, Miles. I think the threesome one is true. I think lack of sex is true, by the way. That's true, Holly. You get the point. Miles loses the point.

In 2009, a 51-year-old French woman sued her husband and won €10,000 for lack of sex over 21 years of marriage. The judge ruled a sexual relationship between husband and wife is the expression of the affection they have for each other. In this case, it was absent. Thank you, Sarah. And at the end of that round, Sarah, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the

panel, which are that if you marry after divorcing, you're performing digamy. According to the dictionary, digamy is a second marriage contracted after the termination of the first due to divorce or the death of the first spouse. The second truth is that King Philip

the Amorous divorced his first wife because she was starting to put on weight. Grounds for divorcing a wife in England in the early 7th century were only slightly stricter. She'd have to be barren, deformed, fetid, silly, passionate, luxurious, rude, an habitual drunkard, a glutton, a gadabout, quarrelsome or abusive. I mean, I'm all those things.

Sounds like an absolute ledge. Pick any three. Tender profile. Anyway, that means, Sarah, you've scored two points. Great, thank you. Contracting leprosy used to be grounds for divorce in Greece. I mean, fair enough. If someone offered you their hand in marriage,

the very least you'd expect would be for it to stay attached to their arm. It's now the turn of Frankie Boyle. Your subject, Frankie, is London, the capital of England and the United Kingdom. Off you go, Frankie. We all know that most Londoners are so desperate to avoid eye contact, they'll bring along a copy of the Metro to a threesome. And we all know that famously, the way to tell if someone is a true cockney is whether their football team hasn't won a trophy in 30 years. But what do we know of the city's history?

London has been the world's fastest growing city from when the first Nando's opened there in 1696 till this year when the city of London had the highest paid dealers anywhere in the world, a testament to the banking industry's voracious appetite for cocaine. During her regular wartime visits to the East

End, the Queen Mother's large, colourful hats concealed a transmitter used to relay precise locations to Luftwaffe high command. True. I've always said it. I've always said it. Thank God they won't let this go out, Frankie. I know. They'll say, oh, there was a problem with the recording. This is exactly it. Thank God they won't let this go out, Frankie.

I know. They'll say, oh, there was a problem with the recording. This is exactly the sort of thing they won't even broadcast. But it is absolutely true. Absolutely true. I'm afraid, Miles, I have to tell you that that isn't true. Oh, look who's part of it. That isn't true, and I won't hear that it is. Yeah, yeah, off he goes, holidaying in South America.

The Queen Mother shared much in common with London. Like London, she was fabulously wealthy and fond of a party, and they both took a real pounding most nights during the Blitz. In 18th-century London, a person could pay three guineas to bathe in meat soup, you could try on the crown jewels for a fiver and pay admission to London Zoo by bringing a cat or a dog to feed to the lions. Holly.

Gravy bath. Gravy bath is correct. Yes. Yes, in 17... You sounded like someone choosing a prize on a quiz show. Ooh! Great colour. Oh, hooray. Oh, I should have gone for the cash.

In 1782, a doctor named Rodamonte Dominicetti opened a bathhouse near London's Haymarket offering special baths filled with veal, mutton and horse broth. These were believed to cure all sorts of ailments as well as clearing the complexion. The price for a soak was between three and five guineas, which would equate to about 600 pounds today. One in five women in 18th century London were sex workers,

recognisable by their characteristic gait, which became known as the Lambeth Walk. The London Borough of Wimbledon is most famous for the Wombles. Unfortunately, with their show cancelled in 2008, they've been reduced to touting their skills on the dark web, offering to clear up DNA evidence at any potential crime scene. London has long been the most polluted city in the world. In 1952, the Great Smog of London was so bad

that blind people led sighted people home from the train stations. Holly. Yep. Well, I reckon blind people would have led sea people home because they would have known how to get home without seeing, whereas seeing people couldn't see because they had fog. Correct. Yes.

The Great Smog of London was so thick that people were unable to see their feet as they walked. And there were a number of reports of blind people helping to escort sighted commuters home from train stations. Indeed, due to pollution, Londoners live relatively short lives. It just seems to the rest of us that they drag on and on and on. Miles? I think that's true. That Londoners live relatively short lives?

Well, possibly both parts are true, but yeah. It's estimated that pollution kills around 10,000 Londoners per annum, it says here, but it doesn't significantly affect the life expectancy. Because the brunch keeps us alive longer, you see, so it balances out. It's all that avocado, isn't it? Possibly those brunches keep you going for years. That's it. It may also be the money.

In general, the relative affluence of Londoners may increase their longevity. And yet London was the number one summer tourist destination for Australians last year, helped by the advertising campaign Visit London, It's Not On Fire. But due to Covid, the West End musical Cats will not be reopening. Last week, theatre goers were shocked to read that over half the cast had been shaken lifeless from a sack found floating in the Grand Union Canal.

Thank you, Frankie. And at the end of that round, Spanky... At the end of that round, Frankie. Spanky! Oh, David. Oh, my God. Not in public. Save it till we're not here, David.

Spanky. Oh, this is so uncomfortable. I'm so sorry, Spanky. Spanky. Oh, this is so uncomfortable. I'm so sorry, Spanky. Frankie, right. Pretending you're dialling in from different places. It's pathetic. At the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that the first Nando's opened in London in 1696. 1696? Nando's was the name of a coffee house at the east corner of Inner Temple Lane and Fleet Street. The second truth is that you could pay admission to London Zoo by bringing a cat or a dog to feed to the lions. That was in the 1700s. And the third truth is that one in five women in 18th century London

were sex workers. The sex industry was one of the most significant economic and cultural forces in Georgian Britain. And that means, Frankie, you've scored three points. Yes. The London borough of Hackney recently banned the use of the word manholes on the grounds that it's an example of sexist gendered language and an unwelcome vestige of the lexical patriarchy.

So instead they're calling them sewage vaginas. I thought you were going to say because coach loads of Americans were coming to take pictures of their manholes next to it. Next to a manhole. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus four points, we have Miles Jupp. In third place...

Thanks very much. In third place, with no points, it's Frankie Boyle. Spanky. Well played, Spanky. In second place, with two points, it's Sarah Pascoe. And in first place, with an unassailable four points, it's this week's winner, Holly Walsh. She's on fire!

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Holly Walsh, Miles Jupp, Sarah Pascoe and Frankie Boyle. And you can