The Unbelievable Truth - 25x03 Marriage, Rabbits, Crisps

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

25x03 25 January 2021[29] Marcus Brigstocke and Rachel Parris, Gary Delaney and Sarah Millican, Justin Edwards and Lucy Porter Marriage, Rabbits, Crisps

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Tonight it's a comedy couple special. Three duos, all of whom are comedians, a genuine celebration of how suffocatingly incestuous this industry is.

As Tess Daly would say, please welcome our celebrity couples. Comedian Marcus Brigstock with comedian Rachel Parris. Comedian Lucy Porter with comedian Justin Edwards. And lastly, comedian Sarah Millican with comedian Gary Delaney. The rules are as follows. Each couple will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed,

while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up are Rachel Parris and Marcus Brigstock. Marcus and Rachel were married in September 2019, which means that most of their marriage has so far been in lockdown. Indeed, the longest single bit of exercise they've had is walking down the aisle together. Rachel and Marcus, appropriately, your subject is marriage, the legally or formally recognised union of two people as partners in a relationship. Before you start, Rachel and Marcus, let's test our special lockdown buzzers. Rachel and Marcus, go...

And... Lucy and Justin, you have... That's very nice. And Sarah and Gary, what have you got? And Sarah, I believe you can do a clown horn without a clown horn, is that right? Yeah. So this is the actual horn and this is mine. That's remarkable.

It is extraordinary. I'm often concerned there's a clown in the house. I mean, there's technically two. OK, well, fingers on those objects, teams, and off you go, Rachel and Marcus. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution like

this? It is a worry, with the number of newly registered marriages dropping by a quarter since 2016. That was a train whistle. Was that Lucy or Justin? It was me. When you said that marriages have dropped by a quarter since 2016, that struck me as being a sad truth.

It isn't true, actually. Oh, well, that's cheered me up then. Apparently, there are no figures since 2016. It seems like they've got a bit behind on the figures. What else have they had to do in the lockdown except tot up the marriages? But in general, since 2000, the marriage rate

is roughly steady. Oh, well, I'm reassured. Yeah. Reality TV shows which feature weddings make up more than half of all reality television. Shows such as Hiding the Bride, Fling the Ring and Room on the Groom are amongst Netflix's most popular shows. The show Love is Blind, which featured seven last-minute weddings, was sued and fined for not featuring enough blind people.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians featured no less than six weddings during its run. It featured Kim Kardashian's second marriage, which lasted less time than your average 12-year-old school romance. Kim Kardashian's engagement ring from Kanye West was so heavy with diamonds, it caused her to sprain her wrist, and she had to wear a discreet wrist splint as she came up the aisle. But this was also diamond-encrusted, so she ended up dislocating her thin shoulder.

Marrying your sibling is legal in the state of Utah under the so-called Targaryen law. Oh, clown horns. And that didn't sound to me like a human being being a clown horn. So was that Gary? No, it was Sarah, but it wasn't organic. Oh, right. Organic's a terrible word to use.

Is it legal in Utah to marry a sibling? It feels like it probably is. It isn't, no. But you're quite right. They need to look at their whole global image. The fact that you would believe that of them is a really bad sign. They need a big slogan somewhere. It's just polygamy.

Otherwise normal. Do you think in Utah, the old poem, on my way to St Ives, I met a man with seven wives, is just considered unremarkable? It was John. The practice of marrying relatives has risen considerably in the last hundred years worldwide. Today, more than one in ten marriages are between first and second cousins, The practice of marrying relatives has risen considerably in the last hundred years worldwide.

Today, more than one in ten marriages are between first and second cousins and brother-sister marriages are still ten a penny on the Isle of Wight. Those who eschew humans altogether for marriage and prefer objects are known as inanimists. In 1976, in Los Angeles, Janine Swift married a 50-pound rock. Clown horns. Did a lady marry a rock? Yes. That's right.

Good work. £50 rock. He's bulked up since then, hasn't he? In 1979, Janine Swift married a £50 rock in LA. And it also says in 2016, artist Tracey Emin announced she'd married a stone from her garden in the south of France, saying, The stone I married is beautiful and dignified. It will never let me down.

It might if she goes swimming with it. There's a historical law against marrying someone with the same full name as you. Famously, in 1928, though, writer Evelyn Waugh married a woman called Evelyn, and to avoid confusion, their friends referred to them as Hevelyn Waugh and Shevelyn Waugh. Some stats on marriage. Unmarried people are more likely to wear Doc Martens, fall down stairs and play the guitar than married people. Oh, there's honks and toots.

I think the train whistle was in first there. I'm firmly of the opinion that unmarried people are more likely to fall down the stairs. Who are? Unmarried people. The people that they said would. Yeah, quite. Unmarried.

That is true. Unmarried people. Yeah, good spot. How on earth did you know that? Because Justin used to fall down the stairs. The stairs are a lot. Did you marry Lucy just so you stopped falling down the stairs? Pretty much. So he'd have something soft to land down the stairs. The stairs are a little high. Did you marry Lucy just so you stopped falling down the stairs?

So he'd have something soft to land on, really. And that's the end of Rachel and Marcus's lecture. So, Rachel and Marcus, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Kim Kardashian's second marriage

lasted less time than your average 12-year-old's school romance. Kim Kardashian's marriage to basketball player Chris Humphries lasted 72 days. The average length of a romantic relationship between 12 to 14-year-olds, according to some research, is apparently five months. That sounds like quite a long time to me. Really? It seems very long to me. Too long.

It's clearly not true. People aren't having relationships at that age. Not until they're at least 19, for example. Yeah, 21 maybe in this sense. The second truth is that today more than one in ten marriages are between first or second cousins. Worldwide, that is. And the third truth is that in 1928, writer Evelyn Waugh married a woman named Evelyn.

To avoid confusion, their friends called them He-Evelyn and She-Evelyn or He-Evelyn and She-Evelyn. They missed a trick there. They should have called her Evelyn Peace. And that means, Rachna Marcus, you've scored three points. All right. It was once claimed that 35 ministers in Harold Macmillan's government, including seven cabinet ministers, were related to him by marriage.

Thank goodness we've moved past that now and they've only all gone to the same school. Model railway fan John Whelan's marriage ended on his wedding night when he insisted on playing with his train set rather than making love to his new wife. His wife said her hopes were initially raised when he'd gone to the cupboard for a tube of lubricant only to be dashed after it was applied to the axles on his coal truck. Well, he was feeling Hornby.

OK, we turn now to Lucy Porter and Justin Edwards. Lucy and Justin have been married for 11 years and say their secret is an ability to see things from the other's point of view, which in Lucy's case involves a small step ladder. Lucy and Justin, your subject is crisps, typically very thin slices of potato that are fried or baked until crisp, then seasoned and eaten as a cold snack.

Off you go, Lucy and Justin. Although first mentioned in Shakespeare's Henry V speech, Tomorrow is St Crispian's Day, crisps are a US invention. Pringles were created in the South Dakota town of Pringle by Colonel Timothy Pringle, who went on to design Pringle jumpers. He also started a dating night where unattached Dakotans could associate freely, offering potato chips to one another. The event had its own signature tune, known as the Colonel Timmy's Pringle Single Mingle Jingle.

It wasn't until after Pringle died and was buried in a potato-shaped coffin that crisps found their way across the Atlantic and crunched onto British shores in 1907. Coincidentally, this was also the year that Quentin Crisp was born. His family changed their name from Cupcake to reflect the soaring popularity of this new savoury snack. The ensuing crisp mania of 1908 led to a dance in which crisps were crushed rhythmically underfoot, a forerunner of the mashed potato. Sophisticated gentlemen would carry

a packet of crisps under their hats and ladies would conceal the snack within their hand warmers, leading to the popular music hall song, She Had Crisps Falling Out of Her Muff. Yes. I think crisps under the hat is true. It's not true as far as we know.

But it seems like a perfectly serviceable place to keep crisps. So, you know, maybe it will catch on. With those really tall top hats, you could keep several tubes of Pringles up there. Yeah, you could keep a grab bag of Wotsits up there. Crisps are very noisy as well. It gives your hair more volume, if nothing else.

Crisps became a huge hit across the sea in Ireland, where there was widespread delight at finding yet another way to cook potatoes. And their popularity has continued to this day with the opening of a crisp-based amusement park where patrons can ride the potato flume. Yes, Marcus or Rachel? I think there might very well be a crisp-based

amusement park in Ireland although as I say that I realise my next gigs in Ireland, if this isn't true, could be very tense. Well, it is true. Hurrah! Taito Park is a theme park and zoo in County Meath

Ireland based on the potato Crisp brand Tato. It was opened in 2010 and is the sixth most popular paid-for attraction in the Republic of Ireland with 750,000 visitors in 2015. Attractions include Mr Tato's Pony Rail, the Crispy Maze, the Spudhara Playground and the Tato Twister Slide. Sorry, the spud-hara playground and the tatoe twister slide. Sorry, the spud-hara.

The spud-hara playground. I'm assuming they want a traditional desert-themed playground that we're all familiar with. But how do you potatoise a desert? You just crushed up crisps to make the sand. Because then if the sand gets into your sandwiches like it does on the beach, it's a treat. Really crunchy. Crunchy and delicious. Who doesn't like a crisp sandwich?

In Scotland, crisps have been reimagined to reflect the national cuisine, and Maccies of Scotland have experimented with various styles and flavours, including venison and iron brew, buckfast and tablet, whiskey and haggis, shortbread scratchings and deep-fried Mars bar hoops.

There's pings all round. I think at least one of those flavours is true. And I think it's whiskey and haggis. I'm backing up my wife there. Correct. It is whiskey and haggis. Delicious. We don't need to know if you're backing up your wife, by the way. That's why we're doing this on the radio.

She was too close to the microphone. I had no choice. You made her bell ring. Yes, Perthshire-based Mackey's released a line of whiskey and haggis flavoured crisps in 2014. They've since been discontinued, I'm sorry to say. None of these caught on with the notoriously clean-living Scots and they were right to be wary, as despite their reputation as a health food, crisps

are surprisingly bad for you. Eating a bag of crisps a day can give you a hundred times the level of radiation you'd get from living next to a nuclear power station. Which is why angry golfer Donald Trump eats a bag of Monster Munch every morning as he tweets from his toilet to help maintain his healthy glow.

Furthermore, the British Heart Foundation has claimed that if you ate a bag of crisps every day for a year you would swallow five litres of cooking oil yet only absorb as much vitamin C as could be found in three grapes. I think the ding was just ahead but maybe it's just the quality of the sound that makes it sound earlier. I might start doing my own.

I'm putting my horn down, guys. I'm going to start doing my own. That's marriage. So, Marcus or Rachel? Yes, I think that the British Heart Foundation said if you eat a bag of crisps every day for a year, you'll have five litres of cooking oil.

Yes, and that's absolutely right. And absolutely delicious. Don't you know a lot about grease, Marcus? I love a crisp, Rachel, as you know. I think the Donald Trump eating Monster Munch on the toilet thing was nearly true, but it's cheesy Wotsits

and then he touches his face a lot. Japan has taken on the mantle of global crisp capital and is the number one crisp-eating nation in the world, with over 40,000 crisp vending machines in Tokyo alone. Oh, Sarah or Gary? That was me and that was my human noise. Yeah, it was. Was it really?

I still have to do the hand. I still have to do the hand. I still have to do the hand. That is true. I feel like there's a lot of vending machines that have other things in Japan that we probably know of and that we probably shouldn't talk about. But I feel like, is that a true fact about crisps in Japan? Over 40,000 crisp vending machines in Tokyo alone.

No, that's not true. They're all just full of women's knickers. The Japanese have crisp flavoured ice cream, crisp flavoured fizzy drink and crisp sushi. Pringles were banned initially in Japan as the once you pop you just can't stop slogan was mistranslated as it's not just a snack, it's potato crack. Crisps have a special place in our hearts because on our

first date I was so late that Justin ate 14 bags of mini cheddars before I turned up and had to go home and lie down. He also proposed to me using a salt and vinegar hula hoop as he'd lost the ring and he has kept that hula hoop to this day. No, I haven't ate I ate it years ago.

Thank you, Lucy and Justin. So, at the end of that round you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that eating a bag of crisps a day can give you a hundred times the level of radiation you'd get from living next door to a nuclear power station.

Wow! That is the sequel of Chernobyl. The average dose of radiation received by those living near a nuclear power plant is less than 0.0002 units of radiation. Eating a packet of crisps a day would give you 100 times that

level. However, it's the fat and salt that's bad for you, of course. And the second truth is that the Japanese company Kimura have released a crisp-flavoured fizzy drink. Wow. The same company have previously released an eel-flavoured cola, as well as cola-flavoured crisps. And that means, Lucy and Justin, that you've scored two points. Doritos were invented at Disneyland. The development process took months, with the last details finalised

as the inventor reached the front of the Pirates of the Caribbean queue. There are around three to four potatoes in a tube of Pringles, but only if you take the Pringles out and replace them with three to four potatoes. It's now the turn of Sarah Millican and Gary Delaney. Sarah and Gary live in Manchester, where they often spend an enjoyable afternoon together going for walks past the caged student enclosures.

Sarah and Gary, your subject is rabbits, small, soft-furred, burrowing mammals with long ears and short tails that move by jumping on their hind legs. Off you go, Sarah and Gary. There are eight different ways to skin a rabbit and all of them will get you kicked out of the pet shop. Bugs Bunny is actually a hare. Donald Duck is a goose. Now that was the ding first. Marcus or Rachel? I think that Bugs Bunny is actually a hare.

That is correct. Bugs Bunny is widely agreed to be a hare, not a rabbit, and was referred to as a hare before being given the name Bugs Bunny. He first appeared in a cartoon in 1940 called A Wild Hare, and his characteristics match those of a hare more than they do a rabbit. The only discrepancy is that Bugs lives in an underground burrow whilst hares only live in nests on the surface. They're also rarely curious about what doctors are doing.

To be honest, you know, in some ways he's a rabbit, in some ways he's a hare. It makes me think that in our culture, the distinction between a rabbit and a hare is not that useful and maybe those two animals should be merged and we just use the adjective and call that's a larger hare rabbit and that's a smaller hare rabbit.

Like crocodiles and alligators. Yeah. Yes, crocodiles and alligators, that's another one. No one's interested. Have one word for them. What about hamsters and mice? Same. Are hamsters not quite a lot bigger than mice? Hamsters are too big to flush down the toilet when they die, and mice? Same. Are hamsters not quite a lot bigger than mice? Hamsters are too big to flush down the toilet when they die, in my son.

That's a terrible thing to say! It's a terrible thing to say about your plumbing. You should have a flush that could get rid of a small dog. Well, he's right. He's under the table. Don't say that about the dog. He genuinely is. There is a horrified dog right

by our feet. It's important to pack discipline that any the dog. He genuinely is. There is a horrified dog right by our feet. It's important to pack discipline that any pet dog should know that you could flush it away and it's only your choice not to. Otherwise they won't respect you. That's why our German shepherd looks so confident all the time. He knows he's never going to fit round that you, Ben. Absolutely.

Until you dig a well, you'll never get that dog to fetch a stick. We've christened our toilet the dog flume. Carry on, Sarah or Gary. Donald Duck is a goose and Goofy is a sin against both God and nature. In Alaska, rabbit mittens are large gloves with a compartment containing a live rabbit to keep the hands warm. In Sweden, making warm clothes from rabbit fur has been banned, so

now in the long cold winters, the Swedes stay indoors and keep their homes warm by burning rabbits instead. A ping first. Marcus or Rachel? I think that in Sweden, making clothes from rabbit fur probably is banned. It isn't banned. No. Oh.

No, in fact, it's compulsory. Was Abba short for abattoir? Japan's Rabbit Island actually has no rabbits on it. Other places that have no wild rabbits include the Isle of Sark, Menorca and India. Terrain whistle, Lucy or Justin? What do you think? Which one were you going to go for? I was going to say that Rabbit Island has no rabbits. That seems more believable.

What were you going to go for? Are you going to say that? This is a new part of the game where the married couple discuss what they were going to say. What were you going to say, my darling? Well, I was going to choose one of the ones that doesn't have rabbits on it. I think Minolka was mentioned. It was, I don't know, or Sark.

But then you'd think it'd be very hard that they'd get to Sark, wouldn't they? While we're here, what are we having for dinner? So are you going to collectively say either that Japan's Rabbit Island has no rabbits or that one of those other islands has no rabbits or both? Let's go for Justin's one first and then can we re-buzz

or are we... You can. I'm going to allow it. Firstly, Rabbit Island does have rabbits on it. It's overrun with rabbits. That's why it's called Rabbit Island. Yes, that does make sense now you mention it. Yeah. Are you going to re-buzz? Are you going to re-buzz?

Are you going to re-buzz? Go on. Yeah, go on then, why not? No, you do it. Yes. There we go. I think Menorca feels right. Justin, what do you think?

I will... Oh, another discussion. I'm completely 100% behind you. Is this Mr and Mrs? Have we got the wrong day? Let's just not discuss that lamp in the kitchen. Anyway, let's say Menorca doesn't have any rabbits on it. It has plenty of rabbits.

I don't believe you said that, Lucy. Why would you say that? Honestly, idiotic. Idiotic woman. Anyway, so I think you lose two points there. Oh, dear. Oh, dear, dear. Disaster.

A food that rabbits don't actually like to eat is carrots, but they've been fed them for so long now that at this point it would be awkward to say anything. Oh, Justin, no. I'm just trying to... Oh, dear, really? But no, this time I just... Oh, Justin, no.

Honestly... It's like the casino all over again. The casino, the lamp in the kitchen, those trousers. I think that rabbits don't like carrots. I think that's absolutely true. I've never seen a rabbit actually eat a carrot other than in cartoon form. And then it turns out that's not even a rabbit. So I don't know what to think anymore.

But no, they don't like them. They do like them. Oh, God. But I think it's fair to say that they don't dig them up themselves, but they happily eat them. You shouldn't give them too many. It's like giving them chocolate. OK.

The sex shop Ann Summers estimates it's sold more rampant rabbit vibrators than there are actual rabbits in the UK. The prototype of the rampant rabbit was known as the pubic hay. Dina Scranton of Lubbock, Texas, once sued the makers of the rampant rabbit for $7.2 million, claiming the device had given her myxomatosis. Soul and R&B singer Willie Hutch took his stage name from an unfortunate childhood incident

where he trapped his genitalia in his pet's cage. His real name is, of of course Dick Fishbowl. Playboy bunny creator, the late Hugh Hefner, was a genuine rabbit enthusiast and is believed to have discovered several new species. He even has a real rabbit named after him.

Syl de Larges... Thank you for that because that's really hard to say. I was very glad for that interruption. I think the train whistle came in there first. I think Hugh Hefner would have rabbits named after him. That is absolutely true. Yes. We're clawing it back for us.

After funding conservation research to help save an endangered subspecies of marsh rabbit, playboy founder Hugh Hefner duly had the rabbit named in his honour, Sylvilagus palustris hefneri. Such was his devotion to bunnies that Hugh Hefner went on to produce a number of rabbit-inspired versions of classic movies, including From Hair to Eternity, What's Up, Dr Zhivago, and, of course, Some Like It Shot.

Globally, rabbit is the fourth most popular meat, though connoisseurs have noticed different rabbit species don't all taste the same. For example, American marsh rabbit tastes like alligator, French angora rabbit tastes like cat, and Welsh rabbit tastes like cheese. Marcus or Rachel? Well, Welsh rabbit tastes like cheese. Well, it's actually Welsh rarebit, isn't it? Oh, of course it is.

Don't ring until I give you an answer. Sorry, sorry. For the rest of you, I am being glared at across the table and I genuinely hovered my hand over the ringer and Rachel wagged her finger at me.

And now we know why. Well, yes, that's a point that's been lost there for the two of you. There's nothing I can do about it. And I'm sorry for it. And that's the end of Sarah and Gary's lecture. So, the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past

the rest of the panel, which are that the Swedes keep their homes warm by burning rabbits. Rabbits are not native to Sweden, yet Stockholm in particular has been overrun by rabbits, mostly the offspring of pets released by their owners, so are culled each year in their thousands before being shipped to a biofuel plant

which incinerates them to heat Swedish homes. Good Lord. What a lovely story. It's biofuel. I don't know, how environmentally sound is that? I suppose they're burning things, not that environmentally sound. I think rabbits are infinitely renewable, surely. Yeah.

They self-renew like rabbits. The second truth is that other places that have no wild rabbits include India. India has no native wild rabbit species, only hares. You see, once again, I'm right, we don't need the distinction, but they only have hares. The only rabbits found in the wild in India are feral domestic rabbits brought over by the British. And the third truth is that the sex shop Ann Summers

estimates it's sold more rampant rabbit vibrators than there are actual rabbits in the UK. What? Ann Summers estimates that since the rampant rabbit was released in 1972, they've sold an average of 800,000 units a year, a total of 38.4 million vibrators. The Game and Wildlife Trust estimate the UK's rabbit population to be around 37 million.

So, yes, that is correct. They have sold more. And some have sold so many, there were such big queues, they had to do it on a first-serve, first-come basis. And that means, Sarah and Gary, you've scored three points. One of the rarest mammals in the world is the Mexican volcano rabbit. It seems to have followed a similar fate to that of the Guatemalan jet engine goose and the Honduran motorway hedgehog. Which brings us to the final scores.

In third place, with minus four points, it's Lucy and Justin. Oh dear. In second place... I shall never forgive you. Yes, I was going to say, Lucy quite often does very well in this game. In second place with minus one point, it's Sarah and Gary.

And in first place with an unassailable three points, it's this week's winners, Rachel and Marcus. Yay! Hurrah! The finger wagging has stopped. Mine is about to start. Anyway, that's about it for this week.

Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Lucy Porter, Justin Edwards, Sarah Millican, Gary Delaney, Rachel Parris and Marcus Brigstocke. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.