The Unbelievable Truth - 25x04 Puppets, Spying, Religion, Glasgow

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

25x04 1 February 2021 Holly Walsh, Miles Jupp, Sara Pascoe, Frankie Boyle Puppets, Spying, Religion, Glasgow

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, a panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell, and I'm joined by four of the funniest comedians one could ever hope to see on a stage. And still we keep hoping. So please welcome from their own homes

Holly Walsh, Miles Jupp, Sarah Pascoe and Frankie Boyle. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Holly Walsh.

Holly grew up in Guildford, a town where social distancing has been in operation now for over 200 years. Holly, your subject is puppets, artificial human or animal figures that are typically animated using strings controlled from above or by a hand inside them. Before you start though, Holly, let's test our lockdown buzzers. Holly goes... Lovely. Miles... Sarah... And Frankie...

Splendid. OK, please start your lecture, Holly. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. All puppets are evil. You should be buzzing in right now because that's obviously true. Who can forget the beloved children's story Pinocchio, the little wooden psychopath who, as the fable goes, used his own nose to skew a geppetto through the eye socket and goes on to kill Jiminy Cricket with a hammer. Frankie. Does he do that in the original Italian version, kill Jiminy Cricket? He absolutely does.

He does in the newspaper serial on which the Disney version was based. It was a serial called The Adventures of Pinocchio, written in 1881 and 1882. Jiminy Cricket appears as the talking cricket, but so infuriates Pinocchio after suggesting the boy returns home that Pinocchio picks up a hammer and smashes in the poor creature's head. Pinocchio gets his master Geppetto falsely imprisoned after accusing him of abuse,

has his feet burnt off and is lynched by angry villagers. So, yes, it was a sort of slightly sanitised version in the Disney film, although the Disney film is still pretty nasty. I'd always sort of wondered if Geppetto was a paedophile who kind of lived on his own in the forest and then suddenly had a boy with him to explain. So he sort of varnished him. Well, we hope varnished. Now I can't not see that subtext.

And said he was a liar. Yeah, he said he was a liar. The thing, the Disney film I saw quite recently that I couldn't quite believe is the island to which bad boys are lured. Isn't it also what they do in Peter Pan? Don't they go somewhere where the lost boys are? Yeah. It's like a kind of place for lost

children, isn't it? It's a sort of young offenders institute. Exactly. And there's that film Scum as well. They're all based on the same sort of mythos, I think. I'm the daddy now, shouted Peter as he disappeared into his own shadow.

He had become a real daddy. Holly, carry on. I can hear the audience at home thinking, hang on, well, surely not all puppets are evil. What about City and Sweep? Those guys are great. Well, I'm sad to tell you that they both love drugs. You know the real reason Sweep squeaks? His septum fell out due to inhaling half of Columbia.

He and Sooty were even censored by the TV watchdog for snorting out of medicine bottles in the middle of a show. And in the 90s, the Sooty-mobile was involved in at least three ram-raiding attacks on Boots the Chemist. Frankie. Were they censured for snorting out of medicine bottles? They were, yes. In 1999, an episode of

The Sooty Show was censured by the Independent Television Commission following viewers' complaints about the episode in which Sooty and Sweep sniffed aromatherapy oils from bottles and started acting oddly as if intoxicated. A spokeswoman for The Sooty Show said, we were trying to show how

natural products could be used instead of drugs. So it was just a fun legal high. And the less said about Sue the better, because she is currently serving 30 years in Holloway for conspiracy to supply, although ironically they couldn't get her to talk. And that gets me onto the Muppets, who first appeared in a TV show entitled Sex and Violence. Later, the most heartwarming moment in the 2015 film Muppets War of the Roses, based on the Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner toxic relationship classic, was when Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog finally announced that they were getting a divorce and stopped trying to kill each

other while their lawyers fought over the small print. And if that's not bad enough, Count von Count from Sesame Street is an actual vampire who demands you guess his favourite number, and if you get it wrong, he'll bite your throat out and count every pint of blood he drains from you. For the record, the Count's favourite number is 34,969. As long as you remember that and keep a wooden stake with you at all times, you'll be okay. Unless you bump into Mr Snuffleupagus, in which case you're already dead. And that's all I have to say about puppets, and I didn't move my lips once. Thank you, Holly. At the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that the Muppets appeared in a TV show entitled Sex and Violence. It was one of two pilots of the show, which aired in 1975. The early Muppet shows had an adult feel with a risque edge to the material, but this was subsequently dropped. The second truth is that in 2015, Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog announced they were getting a divorce. They are believed to have married in 1984. And the third truth is that the count from Sesame Street's favourite number

is 34,969. This was revealed during an interview with Tim Harford from Radio 4's More or Less. When asked for an explanation, the count replied, it's a square root thing. And that means, Holly, you've scored three points. The Star Wars puppeteers deliberately based Yoda's upper lip on Albert Einstein's moustache in order to trigger a subconscious association with Einstein and make Yoda seem intelligent even before he spoke.

Not quite work it did. OK, we turn now to Miles Jupp. Miles recently appeared in the BBC's adaptation of Watership Down, playing the role of Blackberry the Rabbit. Living out in the wilds of the countryside with little else to do but eat and reproduce, Miles, your subject is spying, the act of secretly observing and collecting confidential information. Off you go, Miles. Britain is generally agreed to have the finest, most loyal spies in the world.

MI5 proclaim on their website that they only recruit the brightest and the best, which explains why they once offered a job to Adrian Childs, although when he went for an interview, his mum thought he was going for a job at MFI. Frankie. Does the website say they only employ the brightest and best? It doesn't, actually, which I think is wise of them. Miles. The motto of MI5 is In Defensione et Coronam,

or In Defence of the Crown. Sarah. I'm going to guess that that is the motto of MI5. In Defensione et Coronam. It isn't, unfortunately. It's Regnum Defensum, or Defend the Realm. So it's quite similar to that. Yeah, it's basically the same, isn't it?

Especially if you don't understand Latin. Just give me the gist. In defence of the crown, I think, is the motto of the Netflix PR department. Amongst the many overseas operations carried out by MI6 are Operation Cheeky Sausage, Operation Saucy Pyjamas, Operation Fishy Smell, Operation Breasticles and Operation Operation.

I'm going to guess Saucy Pyjamas is a real mission. It isn't a real mission and I'm sorry to hear it. Holly? Operation Operation. No. Sarah? I'm going to go for Cheeky Sausage. Not true, I'm afraid.

And fishy smell is obviously not true. But something smelling fishy is like, oh, they're up to no good in here, which is exactly what you'd say if you were a spy. I know, but you wouldn't, though, because you'd say the opposite of what you mean. So you think about operation nothing to see here, operation normal events, operation I am what I seem to be. Frankie? Can I go for a fishy smell just to complete this? I'm afraid that's not true either, which leaves, I will say, just in case you're not

quite full. Okay, so which ones are true? Operation Breasticles is still there unbuzzed, but you don't have to go for it. I'm going to go for Operation Breasticles. It's not true. Do you know what, this is like watching England penalties. It's so inevitable that we're all going to go for Operation Breastacals. It's not true. Do you know what? This is like watching England Penalties. It's so inevitable that we're all going to miss. All of that list of untrue operations were guessed. I like the completeness of that. I just nicked them from the to-do list on the fridge. In order to come up with ideas for spy missions,

MI6 uses teams of experts in a group codenamed Blunderbuss, while the CIA watch old episodes of Mission Impossible to see if there's anything they can nick. Holly. I think somebody in CIA has watched Mission Impossible. Well, I mean, certainly someone in the CIA is bound to have watched Mission Impossible. Thank you. But even more than that, in the 1960s, the CIA used to watch Mission Impossible for ideas. Thank you.

Likewise, Oleg Gordievsky, the KGB colonel who defected to the UK in 1985, claimed that when he was in London the Central Committee of the Soviet Communist Party would instruct him to secure copies of any new Bond film in order to study the gadgets used. They should watch Inspector Gadget. You're right. The gadgets in Inspector Gadget are much

more impressive than the Bond ones. Or they should get the Innovations Catalogue, which is now defunct, I believe. There's a sad irony to the Innovations Catalogue going out of business, isn't there? Well, it was so innovative it eventually rendered itself obsolete. Well, in a way, it was early Amazon, wasn't it? Yeah. Amazon is just delivery Argos. It's taken over the world.

Yeah. I used to love the Argos catalogue. Yeah. I loved it for the Star Wars figures and I loved it for the bras. Oh, dear. I was, you know, a teenager. Well, a child moving into a teenager. That was, you know, my sexual awakening was via the Argos catalogue.

I was just dressing Star Wars figures in bras. Yeah. Yes. Flecking rapidly between the two in a zoetrope of masturbatory confusion. A, there wasn't an internet, and B, I wasn't the sort that went around looking in hedges for proper pornography.

So I had to sort of, you know... Use your imagination. Which was helped by the Argos catalogue. Both in terms of Star Wars and other things. God, this is like listening to Angela's Ashes. Miles, carry on. The CIA carried out 57 unsuccessful assassination attempts on Fidel Castro before finally succeeding with their...

Sarah. Did they? No, they didn't. According to the Americans, there were eight attempts on Castro's life between 1960 and 1965. For the Americans, there were eight attempts on Castro's life between 1960 and 1965. Castro himself claimed to have survived 634 attempts on his life. So that's quite a wide disparity there,

including the use of poison pills, a toxic cigar, exploding mollusks, a chemically tainted diving suit and even a powder to make his beard fall out. Miles. The CIA train their spies using board games. It teaches them vital skills for information gathering. Holly. Yeah, board games.

Absolutely right, yes. The CIA have created their own board games to train officers. The CIA are currently looking into using virtual reality games for a more immersive training experience. Some of my favourite spies aren't human. In Turkey, a short man with a hooked nose and covered in feathers was seen photographing secret documents. The Turkish police arrested what turned out to be a kestrel

and charged it with being an Israeli spy. And during the 19th century, the people of Harrogate hung a monkey because they believed it to be a French spy. Frankie. Yeah, that's true. No, it isn't. It's Hartlepool, not Harrogate. Yeah, that's true. No, it isn't. No? It's Hartlepool, not Harrogate.

Oh, that's so mean. What a mean thing to do. Did you hear that, Miles? Me or the people of Hartlepool? Both. I thought it was directed at you. Equal crime. Yeah, it was really. He's deliberately tricked me in this competitive game.

Yes, it's believed the people of Hartlepool hung a monkey for being a spy during the Napoleonic Wars. It was found aboard the wreck of a French ship, apparently dressed in a little French uniform, and hence a chant from Darlington fans when playing Hartlepool United, Who Hung the Monkey? Amongst the actors considered for the part of the second ever James Bond

were John Wayne, Ringo Starr, Bob Holness, Morrissey, Professor Laurie Taylor... Frankie. Bob Holness? Correct. Wow! Yeah, Bob Holness was both considered for and offered the part

and became the second actor ever to portray James Bond. He voiced the part of Bond in a South African radio adaptation of Moonraker in 1956. The first actor to play Bond was Barry Nelson in a 1954 US television adaptation of Casino Royale. Sean Connery was actually the third actor to portray Bond. I think it's fair to say that Connery's playing of the role

was more impactful than the previous ones. When he died the other week, I saw it like immediately, the news when it came out, and I thought of tweeting, they've shaken him and he's not stirred. And I thought, it's just why take all the hassle now? And I think I've maybe got too old and just mellowed. I think it's called having a filter, Frankie. You'll find it very useful. I think it's amazing that that's one of the jokes you haven't said compared to many of the jokes you have said. I know. Yeah, it's maybe the actual choosing one of the jokes you haven't said compared to many of the jokes you have said.

I know. Yeah, it's maybe the actual choosing that's the problem. Judgment. Amazingly, it's estimated that the third of the world's population have seen a James Bond movie. Although given global inequality, it's tragically inevitable that for some of those people it will be one of the Piers Brosnan ones. Thank you, Miles.

So, Miles, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that when Adrian Childs went for an interview with MI5, his mum thought he was going for a job at MFI. And the second truth is that the Turkish

police arrested a Kestrel and charged it with being an Israeli spy. That's so annoying. This is in 2013. The kestrel was detained on suspicion of spying for Mossad. However, animals have been used in espionage. In the 1960s, the CIA attempted to implant listening devices into a cat to spy on the Russians.

What was dubbed Operation Acoustic Kitty ended in failure when the cat was run over by a car outside the Soviet embassy in Washington. The project was estimated to have cost more than $14 million. And that means, Miles, you've scored two points. Former BBC One show presenter Adrian Childs failed the interview for a job at MI5. However, years later, he did manage to work successfully undercover and completely undetected during his short-lived ITV breakfast show. Next up is Sarah Pascoe.

Sarah recently got married to an Australian. Sarah is a vegan. I give it three months. Until he eats me! Sarah, your subject is religion. The belief in and worshipping of a god or gods, often organised around a text with set places of worship. Off you go, Sarah. If you want to find out what religion you are,

you need to try on the sorting hat at your local mosque. Most people in the UK are Quaker. Quakers are known for their loud bark and the prominent genital swellings announcing when the female is in estrus. Quakers have invented many items useful to our species. Cups and saucers, flannels and the sanitary towel. Holly. Cups and saucers.

No, they didn't invent cups and saucers. But what else are they going to eat their porridge out of? Bowls. Well, bowls, yeah. Do you think that there weren't cups and saucers. But what else are they going to eat their porridge out of? Bowls. Well, bowls, yeah. Do you think there weren't cups and saucers before Jesus? I genuinely did forget about bowls. Catholicism is a religion many people haven't heard of yet, but it's really growing in popularity

thanks to its tasty snacks and scented candles. The Book of Catholics decrees that quietness is a sin, with silence being a double sin and two demerits. Hence, the Catholics' biggest enemy is mime. In fact, mime artists were long ago excommunicated, and many critically acclaimed Edinburgh shows have a Catholic mob picketing outside, screaming prayers. While there are many gods in the football world, my soul belongs to Eric Cantona. At the Church of Cantona, we recite his poem about the seagulls and try to fly and kick each other.

Other sports people have churches dedicated to them, including Maradona, Muhammad Ali and Sally Gunnell. Holly. I bet Maradona has a church. He does, yes. The Church of Maradona, or Iglesia Maradoniana, was established in Argentina in 1998 and had over half a million members even before Maradona's death in 2020.

Followers of the church see parallels with the footballer's humble beginnings and achievements and the life of Christ. A baptism in the church involves a ritual where they recreate the hand of God goal. They also celebrate their own Christmas on October 30th, Maradona's birthday. They've even adapted the Lord's Prayer as follows. Our Diego, who art in earth, or probably now heaven,

hallowed be thy left leg, thy magic come, thy goals are remembered on earth as they are in heaven. The magic come! I think it's the verb as in thy magic arrive. Oh David, you're touchingly innocent sometimes. That's how they lure you into the church. Miles? You enter the church. Miles. Yeah, all of the exact same facts, but about Sally Gunnell.

No, Sally Gunnell ridiculously does not have a church dedicated to her. Well, what have I been going to all these years? If you like getting high, may I recommend drugs? And if you want to combine your drug habit with a nice building and a defence if the cops pull you over, try the Temple of True Inner Light. At Communion, they believe magic mushrooms are the true flesh of God and LSD is Christ on a biscuit. Frankie.

There are people who believe magic mushrooms is God. Well, you're absolutely right. And in fact, the Temple of the True Inner Light is a genuine religious organisation based in Manhattan that believes that psychoactive substances are the true flesh of God and that all religions are based upon the psychedelic experience. I hope you've enjoyed this foray into the religious world. I'm aware it is not for everyone.

Serial killer Fred West claimed that Christianity was a bit far-fetched and Scientologists had their feelings hurt when mass murderer Charles Manson quit his training saying it had got too crazy for him and they hadn't even got to the alien volcano bit. Holly? Yes. Yes, what?

Manson didn't go through with being a Scientologist. That's absolutely right. Yes. In 1961, Charles Manson dabbled with Scientology while in prison, but after undergoing 150 hours of Scientology's training process, known as auditing, he begged to be put into solitary confinement in order to escape his auditor,

claiming the religion was too crazy for him. And that's the end of Sarah's lecture. And at the end of that round, Sarah, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Quakers invented the sanitary towel. Quaker brothers Thomas and William Southall invented and sold the world's first commercially available sanitary towels in the 1880s from their chemist shop in Birmingham. Was it for eating oats

out of? An advert from 1886 reads special to ladies, a desideratum of the highest importance for health and comfort. Increased cleanliness, less liability to chill. What does desideratum mean? I think it means desirable object.

I think it's a thing you'll want. Oh, Deserterator. And the second truth is that mime artists were long ago excommunicated. In fact, in the 5th century. Actors were looked upon as public sinners and it was considered

preferable to maintain an actor from church funds than to allow him to continue in his calling. And that means, Sarah, you've scored two points. Thank you. The Church of England has four and a half times as many buildings in the UK as Tesco, although Tesco's are busier on a Sunday.

It's now the turn of Frankie Boyle. Your subject, Frankie, is Glasgow, an industrial port city on the River Clyde and Scotland's largest metropolis. Off you go, Frankie. Of course, the stereotyping of Glasgow began when St Mungo, the patron saint of Glasgow, died of shock after getting into a bath. And whenever I hear someone lean on those lazy clichés,

I chin the prick. Actually, in the 1800s, fighting in Glasgow wasn't considered a criminal offence unless you lost enough teeth for it to be considered littering. Glasgow audiences have had a reputation for the warmth and kindness with which they react to performers, so you'll be surprised to hear that the man who sang

I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside killed himself after being booed offstage there. Miles. Almost certainly true. It is off stage there. Ah, Miles. Almost certainly true. It is true, yes. Oh my God. Mark Sheridan, a popular English musical comedian and singer who in 1909 was the first person to record the song, Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside, killed himself after being booed off

the stage at Glasgow's Coliseum Theatre. He was starring in a show called Gay Paris, which he'd written and composed himself, but the opening night received a mixed reception from the audience with some whistling and booing. The following afternoon, Sheridan's body was found in Glasgow's Kelvin Grove Park, shot through the head. His death was assumed to be suicide. So it was assumed suicide. Because what if it was just the audience,

someone just actually, like, no, booing wasn't enough, I need to track him down and end his life. A really, really late heckle. I've definitely done Edinburgh shows which haven't been that different to that. Talking of late heckles, am I allowed to buzz in for something that I think was in the first sentence? We can discuss it, but you can neither gain nor lose a point.

Oh, right. But do say. Isn't St Mungo Glasgow's patron saint? He is both the patron saint of Glasgow and he... And he died getting into a bath. Yes, he also died of shock after getting into a bath reputedly. Did he get into the bath with a toaster? Is that how he died of shock? I doubt it because it was in 614

AD. So if he had a toaster that would be the most remarkable thing about the story. The River Clyde has a tributary called the Bonnie. Dockyards on the Clyde constructed the HMS Prince Andrew, a carrier designed to commit atrocious acts yet for a surprisingly long time

stay completely under the radar. Sarah? I think that it's true that there's a ship with Prince Andrew in its name that was made in Glasgow. There isn't unfortunately. But I think there's a ship with Prince Andrew in its name that was made in Glasgow. There isn't, unfortunately. Well, I think there's a tributary called the Bonnie. Nope, there isn't.

Well, I didn't buzz in, so that's just by the by. Blood sugar issues are such a problem in Glasgow that a handful of careless paper cuts could see you carried off by hungry bees. Tikka Mas masala was invented there after someone complained their curry was dry. Miles. Sorry, I got a bit excited there. I think that's Glasgow Tikka masala.

That's absolutely right. According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, Tikka masala was created in Glasgow in 1971, apparently by a British Pakistani chef called Ali Ahmed Aslam. His son Asif Ali recalls, on a dark, wet Glasgow night, a bus driver came in and ordered a chicken curry. He sent it back saying it's dry.

At the time, Dad was enjoying a plate of tomato soup. So he put some tomato soup into the curry with some spices, sent it back to the table, and the bus driver absolutely loved it. He and his friends came back again and again and we put it on the menu. And haggis was invented in India after someone complained their meal wasn't conceptually horrific enough. Glasgow actually has a high average life expectancy,

believed to be a result of obesity and heroin addiction balancing each other out. In 2013, it was estimated that all the property in Glasgow was worth less than the houses in Elmbridge, Surrey. Miles. I think that's true about Elmbridge, Surrey. It is true, yes. In 2013, a report found that the property in Elmbridge, Surrey,

home to a population of around 136,000 people, was valued at £31 billion. By comparison, all property in Glasgow with a population of 1.75 million people had a combined value of £29 billion. The same report found that 10 London boroughs were worth more than all the homes in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland combined.

Glasgow is twinned with Nuremberg. Hitler directed the early stages of the war from there, but he soon became fed up with the commute and opted for Nuremberg instead. Thank you, Frankie. And at the end of that round, Frankie, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. The first is the one that Miles buzzed too late on

about St Mungo dying of shock after getting into a bath. And the second is that Glasgow is twinned with Nuremberg. It's also twinned with Bethlehem, Lahore, Marseille, Havana and Turin. Havana? Yep. They're getting the short

end of the stick on a school exchange visit, aren't they? There's a very small village near where my parents live that is twinned with Paris. They wrote a letter to whatever the elders of Paris, I don't know who he'd write it to, saying, hello, we're the village of so-and-so, we would like to become, Whitwell, I think it is, we'd like to become twinned with you. If you don't send a reply, we'll assume that your answer is yes. And it says, well, twin with Paris.

And that means, Frankie, you've scored two points. In 2008, the first theatre production for dogs premiered in Glasgow. The show Who Stole My Sausage was thoroughly enjoyed by its canine audience. The only complaints come in the interval when typically there was a massive queue for the lampposts. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus six points, we have Sarah Pascoe. In third place, with two points, it's Frankie Boyle.

And in joint first place, with an unassailable three points each, it's this week's winners, Holly Walsh and Miles Jupp. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Holly Walsh, Miles Jupp, Sarah Pascoe and Frankie Boyle. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster

and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production from BBC Radio 4.