The Unbelievable Truth - Pilot: Hair, Football, Cats, Bees

Episode Date: October 3, 2021

Pilot 19 October 2006 Jeremy Hardy, Andy Hamilton, Neil Mullarkey, Graeme Garden Hair, Football, Cats, Bees

We present the Unbelievable Truth, a panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the long-running, award-winning panel game about truth and lies. The games we'll be playing revolve around certain unlikely facts, the sort that appear to be complete nonsense but are actually absolutely true. We know they're true because we checked them on the internet. And when that proved about as accurate as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest, we bought some proper reference books. Our intensive research has uncovered

all sorts of incredible stuff and even revealed the meaning of life. At the moment, it's about five years with good behaviour. Joining me today are four guests whose CVs read like several neatly typed pages of A4. They are, in no particular order, Jeremy Hardy, Andy Hamilton, Neil Malarkey and Graham Garden. The game is quite simple. I'll ask each of the panel in turn

to present a short lecture on a given subject that should be largely erroneous. However, each has been pre-equipped with some unlikely but true information which they should lard into their presentation. A player can score points by slipping these truths past his opponents who can also score points by spotting them. First up is Jeremy Hardy. Jeremy is an award-winning

comedian who is also famous for his singing voice, which is said to hold mystical powers. It once made a blind man deaf. Jeremy, your subject is hair, which my dictionary defines as a filamentous outgrowth from the skin found mainly in mammals. Off you go. Hair is probably the most important human organ. It never stops growing throughout our lives. Yes, Andy. I think the bit, it never stops growing... ...through throughout our lives

is in bad taste. But I also think that it's true. It's true that it never stops growing? Yes, throughout our lives, yes. Well, now, in fact, it does stop growing. It grows sort of in spurts. 90% of it is growing

at any given time, but 10% of it isn't. So am I 90% right, then? Well, hang on, if that's true, how come 90% of mine has stopped growing and 10% hasn't? It's still growing, just not around you. No, you didn't spot a truth, unfortunately. Just think of it as flesh-coloured highlights. So, did I... No, you didn't spot a truth, unfortunately. Just think of it as flesh-coloured highlights.

It never stops growing throughout our lives and only stops when we die. Yes, Graham. Yes, it does stop when we die, contrary to mythology. Yeah, no, that's quite right. It does stop when we die. Fair play. Human babies are born sightless and covered in long, dark hair called placenta, or aftershock. A person with no hair cannot survive for more than a few seconds, because the Earth's atmosphere is much colder than you'd think.

What dentists call the bald chill factor means that even if you think you're wrapped up nice and toasty indoors with the heating on, you're quite literally freezing to death without even knowing it. In fact, hot weather is the worst because it's deceptive, but luckily the hot weather also makes your hair grow faster, so you're all right. But that's... Yes, Andy? Does hot weather make your hair grow

faster? I think it does. Yes. Yes, it does. Says the hairball in the back. Our independent adjudicator, a complete stranger, confirms that, in fact, hot weather does make your hair grow more. And what I didn't mention, when you challenged before, erroneously, what I didn't let slip was that you, in fact, lose a point for that. Oh, right.

Good news for you now is that you're on nought. I'm on a roll as well excellent but that's only true of the male of the species women only have hair on the tops of their heads and sometimes just a little strip on the lower abdomen in the shape of Brazil women with hair under their arms

are witches as are women with dark hair. Its demonic potential is the reason why nuns cut their hair off and use it to make ridiculous clothes for the children of over-disciplinarian, widowed Austrian naval captains. It has been argued, though not proven, that witches use their hair to control the weather and that snow is actually their dandruff, and the darker the hair, the more wily and evil the woman.

There are proven scientific reasons why gentlemen prefer blondes. It's not just because men are shallow and stupid. Blondes are favoured by God, which might be why they actually have more hair per square inch. Redheads come last, and their hair burns and peels in the sun, which is why they're... Yes, Neil? I think this thing about redheads and blondes

about growing slower and quicker, I think that could be true. Yeah, well, the thing he said about redheads and blondes was true, which is that blondes have more hair per square inch and redheads have fewer hair. Did you know that you need to use more anaesthetic to anaesthetise redheads?

That is true. Anaesthetists... Andy just said something true, so I should get a point for that, surely. Shall I carry on? Carry on, yeah. It's been proven that you don't need to wash your hair because it self-cleans like ovens. Shampoo actually makes your head dirtier.

That's why it says, for greasy hair on it. Hair is a lot stronger than you'd think. A head of hair could, in theory, support the weight of two elephants, assuming the person also had an incredibly strong neck and their head didn't come off in the process. Graham? Yes, it could support the elephants.

A head of hair could support two elephants. Only financially, though. Yes. Yes, that could support the elephants. A head of hair could support two elephants. Only financially, though. Yes, that is absolutely true, that a head of hair could in theory support the weight of two elephants, but obviously the person's head would come off. So, thank you very much, Jeremy. Hair care has come on in leaps and bounds lately. Who these days feels the need to take two bottles into the shower?

Apart from Charles Kennedy, of course. So, Jeremy, you managed to smuggle just one truth past the rest of the panel. It was once thought by some people that witches use their hair to control the weather. So, at the end of that round, Jeremy just gets one point. Damn. OK, we turn now to Andy Hamilton. Andy is not only a writer and comedian, but is also Luciano Pavarotti's stunt double.

And how much better that joke would work on TV. Your subject, Andy, is one we don't hear nearly enough about these days. Football. Football, or soccer, is a ball game played between two teams which outlaws the handling of the ball, the object being to score points by conveying said ball into the goal defended by the opposing team. Well, that's news to me, anyway.

So, fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Andy. Well, football is a subject on which I am perfectly qualified to speak, because I, in fact, have played football at international level. I have. I'll tell you, in the 1970 World Cup, I played sweeper for Chile as part of my gap year. And Chile got to the semi-finals that year with a team that astonishingly included a

goalkeeper with a glass eye. But that's not the most astonishing disability I've seen, because in the early 70s Chelsea played a team from Luxembourg who included a player with one arm. And he was quite skilful, but he did give away quite a lot of foul throws. There is confusion

about the origins of football. One theory is that the game was invented in what is now Mexico around 1200... Yes, Jeremy. It's true, there is confusion about the origins of football. That's pedantry really. I don't think there's much confusion about the origins of football. You know, it's pretty clear people were bored.

No, I'm not going to allow that. No, no. Carry on, Andy. One theory is that the game was invented in what is now Mexico around 1200 AD by the Aztecs. Of course, the Aztecs were also the inventors of chocolate, and some scholars... Yes, Neil? I think the Aztecs. Of course, the Aztecs were also the inventors of chocolate, and some scholars... Yes, Neil? I think the Aztecs invented chocolate. Do you know, I think it is very arguable that they were one of the inventors of chocolate,

so I'm going to give you a point for that. Of course, some think that the football the Aztecs used was, in fact, a chocolate egg. some think that the football the Aztecs used was in fact a chocolate egg. Indeed, it's a little known fact that early footballs were egg-shaped till the discovery of India rubber in the 1860s gave the ball greater roundness, but it also made the ball bouncier and thus harder to control. So consequently, the pitch was made longer and wider and the goals much, much bigger. So big, in fact fact that if they were being used today peter crouch might score india rubber in 1863 that's true yes that is true the change of the shape of the ball

yes yeah that came in quite late i thought you got past it yeah i know no that no it just looks that way. It might not have been the Aztecs, though, who first created football, because there are ancient Chinese manuscripts which mention a game called Zheng Pao, which involved two teams kicking the dismembered body parts of a dead prisoner. Jeremy. I think that's true. Of all the horrible things that happened in China, that's not one of them. It didn't happen at Eton. Carry on, Andy. Similarly, Kingston-on-Thames and

Chester. The story goes that the game was played for the first time with the severed head of a defeated Danish prince. Although, around 900 AD, Saxon footballers started to complain that the new, lighter Danish prince's heads swerved too much in the air and made life difficult for goalkeepers. Jeremy? I think that they did play with a Danish prince's head. You're absolutely right. Ah, I knew there was something there.

Yeah. right. I knew there was something there. In 1860, Thomas Arnold, head of rugby school, laid down the first truly standardised rules for an organised football game, though less violent than the ruffians version of the game that was being played in towns and cities. It still permitted kicking an opponent's legs below the knees, with the proviso that the player should not be held still whilst his shins were being kicked. Graham.

Yeah, I think you were allowed to kick below the knee, weren't you? Yes, you absolutely were. And that whole bit was true, from, you know, Thomas Arnold having laid down the rules and him saying you can give someone a good kicking as long as you're not part of a gang holding them down. Now, of course, football is a global game, and even as I speak, ladies and gentlemen, Brazil are playing Lapland in the...

Yes, Graham, football is a global game. That's like saying the sky is blue. Would you have buzzed me off? That's like saying the sky is blue. Would you have buzzed me off? No, I'm not going to allow that. Oh, sorry. Brazil.

No. No, it's the only language I understand. Hopefully it won't go to the cruel lottery that is the penalty shootout, first invented by a German in 1918. The first recorded penalty scorer was Alf Stobart of Aston Villa on the 3rd of March 1922 against Old Carthusians. Yes, Jeremy? True. No, that's not true. Fuck.

No. I just so want to believe, Andy. Nothing you ever say will mean anything to me anymore. I'm like Brown to your Blair. He said that the penalty shootout was invented in 1918, but the first penalty was scored four years later. Well, they were busy fighting the war. They didn't have time to do the penalty shootout. But I have written in the margin here, Jeremy

will fall for this. Yeah, because the penalty was actually a 20th century invention called the kick of death. It could be taken from anywhere along a line 12 yards from goal, and not only was the goalie not allowed to move, he wasn't even allowed

to stand in the goal it was a free kick into an empty goal oh those were the days hey peter crouch so there you have it loads of interesting facts about football all of them were absolutely true or my name isn't andrew stanley hamilton thank you very much, Andy. Yes, football, footy, soccer, the beautiful game, call it what you will, it's quite amazing how much simple pleasure has been derived from 22 footballers by Ulrika Johnson. Football is so popular it's even played by blind teams who use a special ball with little bells inside. The first blind game was played in a village in Sussex, but was abandoned at half-time when both teams tried to kick the crap out of a Morris dancer. I'd pay to see that.

So, Andy, you managed to smuggle past the following truths, that in the early 70s Chelsea genuinely played a team from Luxembourg who included a player with only one arm. Yes. And the other truth was that the penalty was actually a 20th century invention called the kick of death. So, Andy, that means that you've scored two points. Right, it's now the turn of Neil Malarkey.

Neil is an actor, comedian and master of improvisation. He was once responsible for the shortest ever run of a Beckett play when he improvised the opening line, Hello, Goddo, what are you doing here? Your subject, Neil, is the cat, by which I mean the domestic or house cat, a small carnivorous mammal related to the African wild cat. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Neil.

Cats have lived with humans for about 4,000 years. Julius Caesar was so fond of cats that he created his own line of cat food, named after himself. Julian cat food. He would give out free branded calendars with pictures of his own cat, Tibbles, named after the river Tiber in Rome, in various states of repose. This became known as the Julian calendar. Jeremy. I think it was true when you said at the very start

that humans and cats have lived together for 4,000 years Yeah, you're absolutely right Cats have lived with humans for about 4,000 years There you go The Mesopotamian black cat sometimes has an extra tail The Russian blue cat Graham

Whatever you're going to say about the Russian blue cat is true. I can't help feeling that... I've got cold feet about the two tails. As a tactic, I think that puts Neil in quite a strong position. So, Neil, what were you going to say about the Russian blue cat? The Russian blue cat lives at Graham Garden's house. Graham. It does.

What a fool I was to include that fact. Anyway, the Russian blue cat often has an extra toe. Jeremy. The Russian blue cat has an extra toe. Jeremy. The Russian blue cat having an extra toe is true. Yeah, well, I don't think I can let you buzz in on that, Jeremy. I think the point goes to Graham. No, that's fine. I've got other work coming in.

So a point to Graham for the Russian blue perceptiveness. Carry on, Neil. For many years, some obscure cartoons by Leonardo da Vinci were thought to be early designs for a cat flap. Recently, expert graphologists have realised they were in fact blueprints for what is now known as the iPod. In fact, Sir Isaac Newton is credited with the invention of the cat flap. Andy.

Isaac Newton was a pretty mad sort of cove, so I think he might have of the cat flap. Andy. Isaac Newton was a pretty mad sort of cove, so I think he might have invented the cat flap. He did. You're right. Because you are talking about a man who decided to experiment with light by turning his eyeballs inside out and things like that. I think it's good that he had more down-to-earth ideas as well as gravity. Gravity today, cat flap tomorrow. Am I rubbish at this?

That's true. But he did put it as a question rather than a statement. All right, well, in the Gobi Desert, where there are no trees and thus no twigs, kittens were often used to help start fires. By 15th century tribesmen, this is why a group of kittens is known as a kindle. This barbaric practice was stopped in 1492 when they started using ugly children instead. Andy? I think a group of kittens is known as a kindle.

Absolutely right. A group of kittens is known as a kindle. Winston Churchill had a pathological fear of cats. He also felt uneasy in the presence of nuns and once head-butted a traffic warden at the Yalta conference. Jeremy? I think he did have a pathological fear of cats. Winston Churchill?

Yeah. No, he didn't. You don't know that. Did he have a cat? I'll tell you, I don't know whether he had a cat, but what I do know is that his affectionate nickname for his wife was Cat. Did he put her out at night? Only during the blitz.

Anyway, Henry VIII didn't like cats also. Instead of a wooden racket with cat gut on it, he used a real cat when playing tennis at Hampton Court. Hence it was called real tennis. A famous cat, of course, is the one belonging to Dick Whittington. In reality, the only feline thing about his life was his highly successful trading ship, which was called The Cat, named after Winston Churchill's wife. Jeremy?

I think that stuff about Dick Whittington is true, as far as the bit about the ship. Yes, you're absolutely right. The only feline thing about his life was his trading ship which was called the cat yeah yeah was was he the mayor of london who banned football because it upset the cat on the basis that the cat was a ship i don't know how football could have upset it anyway because i don't think sports upset boats i suppose if you played rugby on a small boat, it would be upset. But not emotionally. Well, how do you know that?

I didn't get to be the host of this show without knowing the emotions of inanimate objects. That's true. The words Nicholas Parsons and handjob spring to mind in fact. Oh, that thought has really upset me. Thank you very much, Neil. Oh, I'm finished.

Neil mentioned that cats have lived with humans for about 4,000 years, although for about 3,000 of those years, they were next door pretending they hadn't been fed. So, Neil, you managed to get none of your truths past the panel, which means that you've scored no points. OK, it's now the turn of Graham Garden. Graham is a comedian, writer and actor who, as the quiet genius in the goodies,

destroyed the post office tower with a kitten. Imagine how stupid the IRA felt when they saw that. Your subject is the bee, a flying insect that feeds on nectar. It commonly stings, makes honey and lives in a hive. That bee. Things on buzzers, makes honey, and lives in a hive. That bee. Things on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Graham. Right.

Bees have very highly developed senses. In fact, they have eight noses, four at the front and four at the back. They have seven ears, three on the left side and four on the right, but they only have five eyes. Three... Andy.

I'm going for five eyes. You're quite right. Bees only have five eyes. Andy. I'm going for five eyes. You're quite right. Bees only have five eyes or you might say they've got as many as five eyes. It depends. If you're a fly, you'd feel sorry for them. Only five eyes. I'm jealous.

Three eyes on top of the head and two in front. And nowadays, sniffer bees are being used to find drugs. Their sense of smell is far better than dogs, and they can be trained to recognize a particular smell in about three days. Bees have a remarkable memory for faces and will return again and again to the same person to sting them. In Slovakia, beehives are carved to look like the beekeeper and his wife so that the bees will learn to recognize them.

The offspring of a wasp and a bee is known as a wee. The wee has no sting, but its honey is rubbish, which is why it's never been commercially exploited. Trained bees have been used for entertainment since Egyptian times, and in the early years of the 20th century, the Moscow Bee Circus toured the capitals of Europe to great acclaim. The undoubted star of the tiny ring was Goliath, the strong bee. And Goliath performed feats of strength, such as lifting coins and small brooches or knocking peas across the room with his wings now goliath was what is known as a carpenter bee the carpenter so-called because its right foreleg is sharply serrated and it uses its sore twigs and reeds into short sections

yes andy well i've got to here, someone in the audience said true. And I presume that that man is an expert in carpenter bees. So if I don't get a point for this, he's dead. Well, he's dead. Ha-ha! Well done, Dad. It's not surprising that Goliath was strong, as the carpenter, the world's largest bee,

has been known to try to mate with almost anything that flies, including light aircraft and hang gliders. So from the largest to the smallest, the world's smallest advertisement commissioned to celebrate the launch of the Guinness World Records website was actually worn on the knee band of a bee. Bee's wax is much in demand as an ingredient for the manufacture of pasta, although it is so inflammable that honeycombs are not permitted on commercial air flights. Andy.

Well, that bloke's nodding again. Is it... I think it's true that honeycombs are not allowed on commercial air flights. I don't know. They ban everything else. I mean, they've got pen knives, and it seems to me that any terrorist worth his salt would have investigated the possibility of taking a honeycomb

on board a plane and possibly attacking the crew with it. It all seems so plausible but no, no, it's not true. I think that for some reason they're sticking to bombs. But I don't know, you can't talk sense into some people. So thank you

very much, Graham. And there you have it, the bee. One of the few insects to have a brass eye named after it. The others being the melon wasp, and you wouldn't want to pay the postage on those butterflies. So, Graham, you managed to smuggle four truths past the panel, which are, firstly, that sniffer bees are being used to find drugs, and they have a better sense of smell than dogs, and they can be trained within three days. In Slovakia, beehives are carved to look like the beekeeper and his wife, so the bees will learn to recognize them and presumably go and live in them.

The carpenter bee is the world's largest bee and has been known to try and mate with almost anything that flies, including light aircraft and hang gliders. I mean, I've never heard that on an airline, saying, sorry, a bit of turbulence. A massive bee is humping us. I've seen a 747 get quite turned on. Now you're saying boats don't have an emotion, but now planes do. Earlier, didn't he say, I have no understanding of the emotional life of...

It's well known, Neil, that planes aren't inanimate. They're actually very carefully trained dragons. actually very carefully trained dragons. And the fourth truth that Graham got past you is that the world's smallest ad, which was commissioned to celebrate the launch of the Guinness World Records website, was worn on the kneeband of a bee. How many times have you gone and bought something you've seen on a bee's knee? Because it's the bee's knee.

I actually just discovered what they were doing there. Well done, them. So, Graham, you've scored four points. Which brings us to the final scores. And in fourth place, with minus three points, is Jeremy Hardy. Joint second are Andy Hamilton and Neil Malarkey on one point. And in first place, with a handsome 11 points, is this week's winner, Graham Garden. That's about it for this show. All that remains is for me to thank our guests,

Andy Hamilton, Jeremy Hardy, Neil Malarkey and Graham Garden. They were absolutely marvellous and that really was the unbelievable truth. Good night. They were absolutely marvellous, and that really was The Unbelievable Truth. Good night. The Unbelievable Truth featured David Mitchell, with panellists Graham Garden, Jeremy Hardy, Andy Hamilton and Neil Malarkey. The programme associates were Ian Pattinson and David Quantic,

and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.