The Unbelievable Truth - Sp. Snow, Tax, Champagne, Tigers

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

Sp. 28 December 2009 Rob Brydon, John Lloyd, Stephen Fry, Alan Davies Snow, Tax, Champagne, Tigers

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game about eerily plausible lies and wholly unlikely truths, and specifically to our special New Year's edition of the show. So you join us at that difficult post-Christmas time of the year when it's not just Pete Doherty who's dealing with the trauma of cold turkey. And a little message for all of those aunts

and uncles who are settling down on the sofa to listen to us. Go home! You've outstayed your welcome. You've done nothing except sit around being waited on hand and foot. Now sod off. This is a show with two themes. It's both our New Year's special

and a tribute to our fact-obsessed friends at the excellent television show QI. To prove it, please welcome our four panellists here to cast off the tattered remains of 2009 and embrace the shiny treat of 2010. They are QI's deviser and producer, John Lloyd, frequent guest, Rob Brydon, and stars Alan Davis and Stephen Fry. Thank you very much. Rob Brydon and stars Alan Davis and Stephen Fry. These are the rules.

Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, skilfully concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. Challenges are made via our hilarious state-of-the-art buzzer system. For the purpose of clarification, Stephen goes...

Rob goes... John goes... And Alan goes... And Alan goes... Let's kick off with Rob Brydon. Apart from his appearances on QI, you'll of course know Rob as a regular on the BBC One panel show Would I Lie To You, where he plays the highly entertaining sidekick to David Mitchell.

Rob, your subject is a particularly common one at this time of year. It's snow, the solid form of water that crystallises in the atmosphere at temperatures below freezing before falling to the ground in the form of flakes. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Rob. Well, we all love snow. It's a miracle that in all the snow that falls on earth from pole to pole, each and every snowflake is perfectly symmetrical. Alan? I think it's true that they're symmetrical. I knew that noise would start seeping into my real life. It's only a matter of time.

Noise would start seeping into my real life. It's only a matter of time. Now, I'm afraid, Alan, that's not true. No, not true. But many people think it is. Right, of course. Yes, but... Led by me, the leader of the many wrong people. That is, of course, the famous QI klaxon noise,

which we will be playing in when you think you've spotted a truth, but, in fact, it's just a humiliating common misconception. Right, carry on. Children at a Norfolk school have been banned from referring to snowmen and told to instead refer to them as snowpeople. So, Stephen. I'm about to sort of think this horribly sounds true, and I'm afraid Norfolk, my beloved county,

does make mistakes like this all the time. I think they banned conkers at one point, so I'm going to suggest it might be true. It's not true. No poo, bother. And yet, one point, so I'm going to suggest it might be true. It is not true. No poo, bother. And yet, in a way, I'm glad. Yeah, that particular piece of ridiculous political correctness hasn't happened, so carry on.

They've also been told not to throw a snowball without first asking the permission of their target. True. Alan. Yes, that is true. Oh! True Yes, that is true As Sammy Khan said in the song

You can't have too much snow It's rarely disruptive to public events With two exceptions In June 1975 A cricket match between This is true This is true in Derbyshire And the umpire was Dickie Bird

That's very impressive You just know It snowed in June This is true. This is true in Derbyshire. And the umpire was Dickie Bird. That's very impressive. You just know. It snowed in June. Yeah, no, it's well done. There was a cricket match in 1975 between Derbyshire and Lancashire, which was sort of snowed off. It was in June, 1st of June. Rob?

As recently as 1989, the town of Bath had to cancel its outdoor winter wonderland extravaganza due to too much snow. John? I thought it was about time I said something. I think that's true. It's not true. No. Don't be downhearted by their pity. their pity. In New York, the snowfall is much more convenient than in Bath, tending to fall only on a Friday or Sunday when the cleanup can be performed with minimum disruption.

Scientists at Leicester University were surprised to find that snowmen actually have feelings just like plants. This was a theory first put forward by the wealthy French woman, Madame de la Bresse, who left a large sum of money in her will to provide clothes for snowmen. Stephen. I just imagined that sort of thing a wealthy French woman might well do. It absolutely is. Well done. It's actually true. Madame de la... I don't know if it's Bresse or Bresse.

It was an otherwise unremarkable French eccentric. That's an odd phrase. But... Until she died in 1876, and her heirs discovered her will, in which she left her entire fortune of 125,000 francs to properly clothed snowmen for the sake of la décence. So she was obviously a terrible prude.

The Nepalese word for the abominable snowman is metokangmi. John? I think that's true. It is. Well done. Yes. Metokangmi, which means the indescribably filthy man of the snow. It sort of brings the Abominable Snowman down to the level of a cold tramp

in a skip. According to official advice, if you're ever trapped in an avalanche, and you don't know which way to dig yourself out, you should urinate to see which direction the yellow stain spreads. Alan. Yeah, that's true. Or also you can spit.

You're supposed to emit some sort of bodily fluid. Urine's an option. You don't know which way up you are, so you don't know how to get to the surface. You're supposed to spit. I think spitting might be something that people sometimes do, but the urinating story came from an urban myth developed from an unsubstantiated news story in which a man trapped in his car in an avalanche

is supposed to have peed his way out by drinking 60 bottles of beer he had with him. That, if you ask me, is the story of a man who has drunk 60 bottles of beer, arrived home covered in piss, and thinks up a rather ingenious story about wine.

Thank you, Rob. So, Rob, at the end of that round, you managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that in New York... In New York, on Fridays and Sundays, I knew it. It is that one, yes. I'm afraid you're too late. The study of the biggest snowfalls in the last 68 years

shows that 54% of them fall on Friday or Sunday when the clean-up can be accomplished with minimum inconvenience. According to the law of averages, only 28.6% should have fallen on those two days. So, Rob, that means you've scored one point. In 1944, it was snow that saved the life of Flight Sergeant Nicholas Alkmaid, an RAF tail gunner who jumped from his flaming British Lancaster bomber and fell 19,000 feet without a parachute.

He bounced off a fir tree and landed in a snowdrift without even breaking a bone and remained sitting in the snow, quietly smoking a cigarette when he was discovered. Six months later, he died of lung cancer. We turn now to John Lloyd. John was involved in creating the savagely satirical spitting image at the height of Thatcherism, and sure enough, just 14 short years later, Labour swept to power. Your subject, John, is tax, an amount of money levied by a government on its citizens, traditionally at the start of the new year. Interestingly, the fact that our tax year begins and ends in the spring

is in fact a hangover from the time before Britain changed to the Gregorian calendar in 1752. Until then, we British celebrated New Year's Day on the 25th of March. OK, fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, John. Tax is a truly fascinating subject. As everyone knows, the tax New Year's Eve in the UK is January the 5th. In Scotland, Income Tax Day is commonly known as Hog Money Day. Don't look at me. In Scotland, Income Tax Day is commonly known as Hog Money Day.

The words tax, taxidermy and taxi all come from the same Greek verb, tassine. Stephen? Yes, I think that's more or less true, isn't it? Yes, it is. Totally true. The poet W.B. Yeats, who incidentally was born on New Year's Day 1873, Alan. Do you think that might be true, Stephen? I don't know, to be honest. What his birthday was? Well, firstly, no.

And secondly, I'm disturbed that Alan has now taken to buzzing and then conferring. Well, it just occurred to me that I've got Stephen next to me. Silly to waste. Knows more about WB Yeats than I do. He died in the midwinter, though, didn't he? See? It's a sort of thing. Auden wrote that poem, The Day of His Death Was a Cold One. There's lines in memory of WB Yeats.

Unless, of course, he died in June 1975. 75! The poet W.B. Yeats used to supplement his meagre income by driving a taxi in Dublin. He had a little yellow sign on the top of the cab reading, In is free. In the 1930s, the Inland Revenue investigated his tax returns because they couldn't believe a poet of his stature had sails that were so small. Rob, I think that could be

true. Yes, that is true. Yes. Can I make an admission that I was greatly helped in getting that one right by seeing Stephen's hand begin to move towards his body. My speed and agility was my friend. It's like when people talk about publishing all the pay at the BBC, like, I can't believe WB Yeats only earned that much. It's obviously going to be embarrassing for all the people that earn a fortune, what a waste of money on these celebrities.

But there are also going to be people who the public rather imagine are very well paid and basically doing it for free to get out of the house. I don't think Brucey gets paid any more. I think they give him a bit of lacquer, a couple of electric shocks. Wheel him out there. John.

The word vulture gets its name from Quintus Vulturus Trabo, the Roman consul in charge of Emperor Nero's notorious bagpipe tax. The right to bear arms, the right to remain silent, and the right to make hideous screeching noises in New York at any time of day or night are enshrined in the US Constitution, which is why bagpipes can enter America tax-free. German tax collector Karl Doberman was not welcome when he came to collect money, so to protect himself he

bred large, fierce dogs that became known as Doberman Pinchers. I think that's true. Yes, that is true. Well done. On the very day it was announced that PAYE was to be introduced into Britain, Sir Kingsley Wood, pioneer of PAYE and one-time Chancellor of the Exchequer, collapsed and died. As a sign of respect, pound notes were printed with a black margin. At the Council of Yalta on the 31st of December 1944, Roosevelt, Stalin and Churchill introduced international taxes on cigars, moustaches and wheelchairs and then had a jolly good laugh about it.

Thank you, John. And at the end of that round, John, you managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel which are that bagpipes can enter America tax-free. And the second truth is that on the very day that it was announced that P-A-Y-E was to be introduced into Britain, Sir Kingsley would...

You don't get extra points, by the way, for the... Oh, I knew that. So that means, John, you've scored two points. In the first century, the tax-hungry Emperor Nero went as far as imposing a tax on the collection of urine. This was widely considered to be taking the piss. Right, it's now the turn of Stephen Fry. What can I possibly say about this man that hasn't already been said?

Well, how about, he's stupid, heterosexual and good at sport. Your subject, Stephen, is champagne, a white sparkling wine produced in the Champagne region of northeastern France, often consumed at New Year and other times of celebration. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Stephen. It was champagne aficionado William Hewitt Gladstone who came up with the rollicking witticism, real pain for sham friends, champagne for real friends. Ha, ha, ha, ha. The Drusoxyla bacterium present in all champagne causes burping in women and flatulence in men.

Well, that's ringing bells with me, yes. The bit about the burping and the fart. Women do burp sometimes, and men do fart. Oh, but it's not caused by this... No, no bacterium called desoxylenone. Sorry. The queen of drinks and drink of queens, Oscar Wilde called champagne, and certainly it has royal associations

that include Frederick the Great of Prussia using champagne instead of water in his coffee. Yes? That's true, I think. It is true, Frederick the Great. Prussia, using champagne instead of water in his coffee. Yes? That's true, I think. It is true, Frederick the Great. Yes, it is. He also liked a bit of mustard in his coffee. Any bubbles that are considered too big by the great champagne houses of Epernay

are sold on to Nestle for use in the production of aerobars. Putting a teaspoon into the neck of an opened bottle of champagne actually prevents the champagne from going flat. That's true. Oh, dear. Yes, no, that's not true at all. I don't think it hurts, but I think the reason people think it does

is because when they do that, they often also return the champagne to the fridge, and keeping it in the fridge keeps it fizzier for longer. Why don't you drink the bottle of champagne? Yeah. Why don't you open the bottle of champagne and then put the champagne in the fridge? It's actually a slightly serious mattering of applause there.

Yeah. It's advocating, finish it. Have the full, whatever it is, 14 units. On your own, glumly, then get in the car and just go round there and say what you think.

When my wife and I have champagne, we have a little pump. I'm sorry? We do. If we've had a few... Oh, I see what you're doing. We have a few glasses of champagne, but we haven't finished the whole Jeroboam. We pop a little rubber... And we let the pumping begin. You put a condom on the top of the bottle we pop a little rubber

bung in the top and then we pump it with wine or champagne and for the champagne it retains its fizziness so I don't know why I said fizziness then that's true there we are carry on

the wire guard that holds on the cork is known as a capote anglaise. John. I'll go for the capote anglaise being. No, that's

French slang for a condom. Time for another of your routines. There's nothing my wife and I enjoy more. Carry on. Daryl.

Right, yes. A young Giacometti would beg for discarded ones from the back kitchens of Maxime's restaurant in Paris, which he would use for his early maquettes and sculptures, while Modigliani used scorched champagne corks instead of charcoal on some of his drawings. They do do that. People do use cork for drawings.

Is that true? It's not true. They used to use it for what was called blacking up for minstrel shows for the skin, burnt cork. What about the other one, about the guy with the Giacometti and the thing with the making of it? No, that's a video.

You're making up things using actual artists and people. It all sounds true to me. Can I just ask in advance of your lecture, Alan? We're hoping. Have you not made anything up? Are you just planning to read out five truths?

Yeah. In such a way that they appear untrue. Except they're numbered one to five. Yeah, I'd change the numbers around. Anyway, the sporting associations are many and various. Originally, table tennis, of course, used champagne corks for balls. And in an attempt to save money, next year's F1 Grand Prix season

will give podium winners a choice of Waitrose Carver or Sainsbury's Prosecco instead of the traditional vintage champagne. Sorry, I'm a bit slow, but the champagne corks used as table tennis balls, would that be true? Yes, that is true. I thought I'd got away with that one. Very good. No, that's absolutely true.

The story goes that in 1881, some British officers carved a ball from a champagne cork and used cigar box covers to bat it back and forth over a pile of books across a table. Stephen. In America, there's a movement dedicated to getting the International Olympic Committee to recognise champagne cork flying as an official sport. The longest flight of a champagne cork

was 177 feet and 9 inches, which is 4 feet above ground level, and recorded in upstate New York. Adam. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, that's true. Steve. If considered a luxury item today, at times of water shortage in the 1890s in London,

champagne was used for washing coaches, and of course today it is nothing like as expensive as computer inkjet printer ink. Churchill himself was allergic to champagne, while Gordon Brown gets through two cases a week of Cristal. I'm going to go with Churchill being allergic to champagne. No, he loved it. Paul Roger was his favourite one.

They actually named one after him. He was perpetually pissed. That's why he was brave enough to fight Hitler. Literally, all the sober people were saying, give up, we haven't got a chance. In comes a drunk. Yeah! I'll take him him i'll have him

the seven stages of champagne intoxication are known as happy bashful sleepy dopey clumsy noisy and pukey happy new year thank you steven and at the end of that round steven you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that at times of water shortage in London in the 1890s, champagne was used for washing coaches. There were terrible shortages because of drought then, and it was particularly bad in London where all the plumbing was rubbish in those days.

And the other truth is that today, champagne is nothing like as expensive as computer inkjet printer ink and that means you scored two points okay it's now the turn of comedian and actor alan davis alan once refused to appear on an episode of qi as the recording clashed with arsenal's appearance in the champions league final coincidentally arsenal striker robin van Persie had withdrawn from their team as he had tickets to see a recording of QI. In anticipation of the Chinese New Year,

which in 2010 will be the year of the tiger, your subject, Alan, is tigers, those large carnivorous cats which are commonly identified by their distinctive yellow-orange coats and black stripes. Off you go, Alan. As the poet William Blake pointed out... You're laughing. I said William Blake and you're just laughing. John.

Well, he definitely pointed something out. It's not going to be true. I've got the sheet, remember. As the poet William Blake pointed out, tigers are an excellent source of fuel. See? However, it was only in the 1970s that zoologists realised that tigers' stripes

change from one day to the next. It's thought to be a form of communication indicating the animal's mood to other tigers. Closely packed narrow stripes indicate agitation, while broader, less densely coloured stripes indicate nonchalance. In fact, it's not the fur that changes colour, but the tiger's striped skin beneath. The markings on the tiger's forehead

often resemble the Chinese symbol Wang, meaning king. And if you ever see the big cat in its jungle home, you will soon realize that the tiger really is Wang. King. Although the tiger's natural home is New Zealand, specimens were imported into india and china where they were greatly valued for their dung which was the original source of monosodium glutamate modern western medicine makes great use of the tiger its liver is a rich source of vitamin d and its spleen is antibiotic unfortunately its whiskers can be extremely poisonous. Golfer Tiger Woods was actually christened Bunny. When he was born, he had remarkably large ears.

Just on the bunny thing, how very apt. In the Great Ice Age, the modern tigers' ancestors, the saber-toothed tigers, were driven from their homes at the South Pole to take up residence in warmer, friendlier, more happy-go-lucky places, such as Torquay. There, the diet of candy floss and sweets sadly took its toll,

and many of them lost their saber teeth, which can be found lying around the area to this day. Tigers, like most cats, dislike water, though not as much... Stephen. Yeah, I imagine that's true. Oh! Oh! Dang that!

I can't believe it! This has never happened in seven years. Tigers swim. They swim in seven years. Tigers swim. They swim in the water. They love water. Oh, they love water. Oh, Beau.

I'm happy now. I can go home. Tigers, like most cats, dislike water, though not as much as they dislike the smell of vinegar. On the other hand, tigers love the smell of alcohol, which seems to calm them, which is why animal trainers will often down a large scotch before entering a cage for a tiger. The roar of an attacking

tiger is one of the most chilling sounds in the world. However, if you do fancy yourself as an animal trainer, it's as well to remember that as tigers usually attack people from behind, a clever ruse is to wear a face mask on the back of your head to confuse the hungry beasts. But just don't try climbing a tree to escape them,

as tigers are excellent tree climbers. Yes, isn't that right? Yes, they do climb trees, don't they? Oh! I'm really going for it now. I think it's more than we could possibly have hoped for. No, some African lions can climb trees, but tigers are not normally tree climbers

because they're too heavy. Thank you, Alan. And, yeah, at the end of that round, Alan, you have a full house. You snuggled five truths. And the five truths are that the tiger has striped skin as well as striped fur. If you shaved one, you'd find that its distinctive camouflage pattern would be preserved. And you'd be a hell of a guy if you'd shaved a tiger. The second truth is the markings

on a tiger's forehead often resemble the chinese symbol wang meaning king people in china thus regard the animal as the king of the beasts the third truth is that tigers whiskers are poisonous essentially the numerous infinitesimal whisker barbs get caught in your digestive tract and cause hundreds of painful sores and infections, and you can get very ill or die. Fourth truth is that Torquay was once frequented by saber-toothed tigers. Excavation in nearby Kent's Cavern has revealed numerous vertebrate remains, including the teeth of saber-toothed tigers.

And the fifth truth is that in India and Bangladesh, people discovered that tigers almost always attack people from behind, and hence took to wearing face masks on the back of their head to confuse them. It proved quite effective. Which means, Alan, that you scored five points. It is estimated that up to 12,000 tigers are being kept privately in America alone, although they make very bad pets. Really, the only command that they can be made to understand is, savage my face. Wild tigers can eat over 60 pounds of meat at one sitting. Sorry, not wild tigers, Americans.

LAUGHTER Which brings us to the final scores. In third equal place, with minus two points each, we have Rob Brydon and John Lloyd. In second place, with no points, it's Alan Davis. And in first place, with an unassailable two points, it's the winner of our New Year special, Stephen Fry. And that's about it for this year.

All that remains is for me to thank our guests and wish them and you a very happy New Year. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden Goodbye.