The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby - Losing my husband to cancer, pregnancy, and remarrying w/ Shay Martin

Episode Date: October 1, 2025

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This episode is brought to you by Google Gemini. College students, if you are trying to learn a new concept or understand something in a better way for a class that you're currently in, you need to check out Google Gemini. I'm telling you guys, it is so helpful. You can give it information that your teacher gives you, like even pictures of pages of your textbook, and it will turn that into a podcast for you to listen to

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Visit jemini.com slash students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply. Well, how much is... Before we get started, I just wanted to thank everybody for reaching out to Abby and I at this very challenging time. If you didn't see the post on social media, we did lose our baby. She was 17 weeks, gestation. She was old enough to hear Abby's voice.

She had a heartbeat. She had little hands, little fingers, little toes. We're still processing that. So thank you for having patience with us at this time. This was a pre-recorded episode that we just decided to still share with you guys. And again, thank you so much for your thoughts and your prayers at this time. The doctor comes in, and this is when you know something's wrong. He, like, pulls up a chair and he, like, puts his hand on Tanner.

He's, like, I'm 99% sure that it's cancer. At that point, we didn't know the stage. He was 25 at the time. The GI was like, it's probably stage one or two because you're so young. They did scans, and it was stage four. I haven't shared this on social media. But that night, I just, I knew that it was his last few moments. I put Amy Lou next to him.

You know, I don't know if she knew what was happening. She reached her hand out towards his hand. Today on the unplanned podcast, we sat down with Shay Martin, the widow of Tanner Martin, who lost his five-year battle to cancer this past summer. Tanner made worldwide news when he announced his own death on social media. If you're watching this, I am dead. Now, I don't know about you, but losing a spouse probably is one of the worst things a human could possibly go through. So I wanted to ask Shay about how she's doing, what Tanner's final days were like.

We talk about hiring a death doula, how much a... cost to have stage four colon cancer, as well as having a baby girl with Tanner's diagnosis. I don't know if you watched his video where he announces his death. That's actually the first video that I saw of you guys. And it really took me by surprise because he was so joyful. I know. In the first couple seconds, I'm like, this guy looks like he's so much fun. Like, what is he about to say? And he's like, if you're watching this, I'm dead. And I'm like, and then he laughs. Yeah. Did he tell you that he was going to do that? He had told me that he. He saw someone make a video announcing their death and that he wanted to do that.

So I knew that much. And then I heard when he started to make the video and I was like, oh, this sounds like a private video. So then I just like went in the back and I don't know, it was cleaning or something. I thought it was really cool that the video was unedited and that he's giving you notes about, hey, Shay, if you want to cut this out, you can. And I'm just thinking this, that, and the other. What made you decide to keep all of that in? That video is who Tanner is. He is goofy and funny. He likes the shock factor. So I didn't want to cut any part of that out because that is like holy who Tanner is and was. Did you wait at all the post that video? I don't know how familiar you guys are with the death process, but I waited until they came and they got him. And then I went to the mortuary later that day and then came home and then I posted it. And then I pretty much got off social media for a week because it was very overwhelming. Holy cow. Yeah, it was very overwhelming. That is heavy. I want to talk more about that, but I think it would be good to start at the very beginning. I want to know about your love story, how you guys met. I know he got the diagnosis about two years into you guys being married, but talk to me about those like early years of falling in love and those first two years of marriage. Tanner was a Mormon missionary in Mesa, Arizona, where I'm from. I was a senior in high school, very braddy, very, you know,

you know, self-absorbed. And he was serving in, like, the area where I live. And one time he came over for dinner. And the way he tells the story is really funny because he was like, yeah, she was too cool to be there with the missionaries. My mom's like, don't you want to stay for dinner with the missionaries? And then Tanner's interpretation of Shea at 17 was, Mom, I have plans with friends. I'm like, wow, you make me sound really bratty.

But, I mean, I was, so at that time. So that's when we first met. But you didn't stay for dinner. I did not stay for dinner. I had friends to go hang out with. So that's what I went and did. But I was really impressed with Tanner as a missionary because he was just really, really happy. Just really happy.

And I'm like, wow, what a cool missionary. What a cool guy. Missionaries are off limits. Okay. Yeah. They're off limits. His first area was my home church. And missions are two years.

So he kind of served in. the Mesa area and I would see him around at different times and then we reconnected after I served my mission we were Facebook friends and I slid into his DMs because I'm a brave girl and yeah so we just reconnected and just kind of stayed friends and when I would go up to Utah we would hang out and then one time our hang out turned into a makeout and then we started dating oh that's a great story that's a wonderful story hang out to make out to dating okay now now I am curious How long did it take you guys to get married after that initial makeout? After the initial, the initial makeout was in January, and we got married in October.

Let's go. See, every person that we know, that's LDS, we're like, I feel like it's like 12 weeks to like maximum nine months that they wait from like meeting. And I mean, it's pretty impressive. You know what you want and you just go for it. Yeah, I'm a marriage therapist and I would not recommend that for anybody. But it worked out for Tanner and I. That's awesome.

How old were you all at that point? So I was 22 when we got married. He was 23. And what were those first two years of marriage like? It was just fun. We were both working full-time and also in school full-time. We both wanted to go to school to be a marriage therapist. So we...

Oh, wow. I know. It was fun. We had a very healthy marriage probably. Everyone assumes that. But no, we were really, we're really, really good friends. I think that's why we stuck it out through such hard times is because we were such good friends first. But because we had the same major, we took classes together. So Tanner always

got good grades because we were taking the same class. You're like, I'm your tutor. I made sure he did his homework. I'm like, I know a homework you have. That's so funny. Yeah, like, you're getting on to play Far Cry. I know you have homework. I know what you have to do. I just did it. Talk to me about Tanner's love of, like, games, Star Wars. I know he was a big Star Wars fan. He was a big nerd geek. Like, he loved reading. He loved playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Warhammer 40K. I don't know how familiar you are with those things. That doesn't ring a bell. D&D. D&D, very nerdy. I've heard of that. I know of D&D because of... Riverdale.

No, what's that show? The Big Bang Theory. I think they play Dungeon and Dragons on that show. Back in the 80s, they thought, like, kids were, like, possessed when they were playing D&D. That's really... I know. That's what they made it seem like on Riverdale, I feel like. Was it Dungeons and Dragons that they were playing? Yeah. Well, you know, that's why Harry Potter was like controversial at first. A lot of parents were worried about their kids getting into witchcraft because they're

reading books about wizards and witches. So Abby's mom as an elementary school teacher sent home a, you know, release, like you had to sign a thing. Parents had to assign. If parents would approve the kids reading the book. Being read aloud Harry Potter. And so, yeah, it used to be a big deal. That's crazy. Right? Oh, yeah. It's a big thing. I love Harry Potter. Yes, Harry Potter is great. Harry Potter actually, oh, this is really sweet. His dad read him Harry Potter growing up as a kid every night.

And the night before Tanner died, he got out Harry Potter on his phone and was reading it to Tanner. His dad? Oh, gosh, here we go. I know. Me too. Sorry. I got to. That just came out of the blue for me.

I think I wasn't prepared. I was going to be prepared once we got a little further down. But I'm like, okay, wow. I was sure that was like a really sweet moment for his dad. It was. I was sitting on the couch watching it. And I'm a documentary, obviously, as a content creator. So I snapped a shot of it.

And it's really special. Yeah. Talk to me about the diagnosis, because I can only imagine that came out of left field. Nobody was probably expecting that. you had absolutely, I mean, I'm sure Tanner probably didn't even think that colon cancer was a thing for people in their 20s. So how did all of that unfold? Okay. So in the summer of 2020, COVID, loved that for us. He just started to have like bowel stomach issues and he had issues like sitting down for a long period of time. He was just really uncomfortable. He could never get comfortable.

just a change in his bowels, which is really common with colon cancer. He went to the doctor numerous times. The doctor gave him some medicine, and it helped with his stomach issues. But the issues just, like, they kept coming back. And so finally they're like, okay, you need to go see a GI, a gastrointestinal doctor. They looked at his gallbladder, and his gallbladder was fine. And they're like, okay, we're going to do a colonoscopy because we just can't figure out what's going on with you. And at that point, he had started, I don't know how much is TMI, but he had started having a lot of blood in his stool.

So anyways, they did the colonoscopy. And I remember sitting in the hospital with Tanner. He's coming off of the anesthesia, and you think he's goofy in general? Like, Tanner on anesthesia is very goofy. So anyways, he's coming off of anesthesia, and the doctor comes in. And this is when you know something's wrong. He, like, pulls up a chair, and he, like, puts his hand on Tanner's leg. He's like, do you go by Tanner?

And I'm like, yeah, he goes, yeah, he goes by Tanner. I didn't say that, but in my head, I'm like, this is a weird, what's happening? And Tanner's like, yeah, I go by Tanner. He's like, okay. So. This is while he's on anesthesia, like, heavily. Yeah. I mean, he's coming off of it.

Okay. So he's, like, with it enough to be there for the conversation. But I'm, I'm like, what the H is happening. He said, okay, we weren't able to complete the colonoscopy because about 10 centimeters into your colon, there was a huge mass, and we couldn't get, there's huge tumor, we couldn't get past it. And I was like, like, I was just in shock, but my shock quickly turned into me crying because you hear tumor and you're like, cancer.

And he's like, I'm 99% sure that it's cancer. and so Tanner was just in shock I like it kind of took him a little while to start to cry I was like instant with my emotions so I was shock and then cry and as soon as he called his parents to tell them he cried so at that point we didn't know the stage um the GI was like you know it's probably like one or two because he was 25 at the time it's probably stage one or two because you're so young and they did scans and it was stage four you found out that day no it was like it was like a week later but they did scans they read the scans the oncologist called us and they were like yeah it's stage four it's it spread to his liver so gosh and did you know at the time that that meant that

it was terminal or? No. So the way Tanner tells us is kind of funny. The first time we went to the oncologist, which was the very next day after going to the GI after getting the colonoscopy, the oncologist was like, yeah, this is what we do at stage one, this is what we do at stage two. Stage three is a little more intense. Stage four is considered incurable. And Tanner's like, so do you just send the stage four people home? Like he just, yeah. Do you just send them home? He just wanted to use humor. I know. always also at that appointment he's like so like what stuff can i get for free yeah just always trying to make things light and funny and he he seriously joked about dying from the very beginning

oh yeah that's just him did that make it easier for you or did it make it like okay now i'm the one who has to deal with like the seriousness of this because you're not it easy it made it light but other people were like do i laugh at your death joke like sure no like It's one time we were at the dentist and my mom's a hygienist. So everyone there knew Tanner and knew when it happened. And he made a death joke and one of the hygienists was like, I don't know if I should laugh at that or not. And that's how I feel like people responded. That was very honest of her.

I feel like I would just be like, like, because I'm supposed to. I know, right? Did Tanner get joy and like, I don't know. Did he think it was funny that people were uncomfortable when he would make those jokes? Loved to make people uncomfortable Literally, I think that's his favorite thing He loved to make me uncomfortable Every time we would do a TikTok live

He would say something so inappropriate And I'm like Sorry, sorry, I apologize I'm very sorry for my husband He says very appropriate things Yeah, that's hilarious Who did he get that from? Was that like his dad, his grandpa? I think it's his dad

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earth. My grandpa also recently had cancer, which is obviously totally different going through it with like a grandfather than a 25-year-old spouse. But I remember when they were talking about his diagnosis they used the word pallative and I don't even think that like they did just kind of throw it in there and like not everyone necessarily knows what that means basically like you said incurable like and they kind of just like threw that in there and I remember like later on they like asked each other in the car and my grandma was like do you hear that word that he said palative like that was like the first time that because that that is like something that you like as you're sitting talking with a doctor I cannot even imagine hearing those words also.

and then like also coming to terms with that reality in such a it's not cold but it kind of feels cold like to just because it's medical right it's just like not emotional yeah it's not emotional that has to be a uncomfortable experience because that that disconnect between like this is like uprooting our life like this is just you know crumpling everything that we had planned for our future but then it's just like all in one word and in an office yeah i can't even imagine we were lucky because we had an oncologist that was very very compassionate he he came and visited tanner on hospice um Tanner was nED which means no evidence of disease for like three months at one point in his treatment and um our oncologist like took us to dinner with him and his wife and so we were really

lucky to have such a compassionate team. The nurses were great. But a lot of the other areas of the medical field during this experience, they are just, I think it's because they do it every day, that it just becomes kind of like, you know, your job, just kind of robotic, not as emotional. But in our oncologist's case, we were very lucky. Yeah. And what is an oncologist? They specialize in treating cancer. So, like, chemo. and there's like a radiation oncologist, which is a separate type, but oncologists give the chemo. I mean, I don't know the exact numbers, but correct me if I'm wrong, didn't Tanner go through numerous surgeries, like round and round of chemo after another?

Like, do you know the exact numbers of like what the surgeries were and all of that? Yeah, everybody always asked me that, and the answer is no. I should probably go and figure it out so I can have an answer, but I know it's like really big surgeries he had at least six and then like procedural procedures so like there's still you still go under anesthesia he probably had geez like 40 he ended up having like 50 over 50 rounds of chemo 11 weeks of radiation um a lot a lot a lot when it comes to like the bill for all of these procedures and surgeries like what does that look like well it depends on your insurance is that what you're talking about? Yeah. Yeah. Insurance. It's crazy because they think they hold like doctor

degrees, the insurance. Right. You don't need that. Yeah, you don't need that type of pain meds. And excuse me, like my doctor prescribed this for me, but for some reason they get to decide. I can't even imagine. Yeah. So in our case, we were lucky because Tanner had good insurance because he's Native American. And so there was like a special subsidy thing so for like a huge part of his treatment he was on this native american insurance and then for the last two and a half years he was on medicare um because he had been on disability for long enough they like force you on to medicare so medicare wasn't as great but one year let's see the total treatment was like three million dollars for that year Yeah, we didn't have to pay that, but that's how much insurance paid, and then we just

had to pay, like, whatever the co-pays were. What is it co-pay for $3 million of bills? Honestly, like Tanner's insurance was really good that year, so I think it ended up being like maybe $5,000. Okay, that's good. Yeah, it was good. That insurance was good. The Medicare insurance wasn't as great, but he didn't have, the year of 2023, he

basically lived in the hospital from like July to January of 24 so it was a lot of hospital stays and those are very very expensive holy house so that was the most 2023 was the most expensive year for hospital bills yeah and and I'm guessing at some point you mentioning three million dollars you saw they must have like sent you something in the mail and they summed it up and it said three million yeah I could see on the like whatever app that I had for the insurance I could see how much they paid out and then how much it like shows you like how much of your deductible or max out of pocket have you paid for the year and so it showed me that wow yeah so when he when he was in the hospital for that amount of time did you just have to drive home every night oh yeah that was hard

because I was in my master's program at the time um oh my god I know it was really tough oh yeah I was in my last year of my master's program, so, and I was working. So I would go to school on Mondays, and then I would work in the evenings as a therapist getting my hours to graduate. And then I would drive to the hospital and then stay overnight, stay there Tuesday, and then go to school, drive back, go to school Wednesday, see my clients Wednesday night, drive back to the hospital, and then I would stay at the hospital. How far is that distance from the hospital? 40 minutes. Yeah, 40 minutes. So, yeah, so then Thursday through, or Wednesday night through Sunday, I would typically be there every night, just hanging out with him. Wow. Eating the really good

hospital food and door dashing a lot. Yeah, my gosh. Was that before after you were working three jobs simultaneously to help pay for expenses? That was after. That was after. That was after. That was after. Thank goodness. Okay. Yeah. At that point, I was only working my therapist job. Um, but yeah, my first year of my master's, I was being, I was an adjunct professor and I was working um, as a man office manager at a sex therapy clinic. And then, um, I was a wedding photographer. Holy cow. Yeah, that was a lot. And you did all that just because you guys needed the money? Yeah, Tanner couldn't work. He didn't work like the entire. five years at one point he tried to go back to work during the three months where he was no

evidence of disease but then he started getting sick and then we knew something was wrong so yeah it was a lot that's so wild even just to think about like going from hearing that diagnosis to like even just making plans like I'm gonna still like deciding to get your masters and deciding to like keep pursuing like was that weird to try to decide like okay where do we go from here like did you almost question everything that you had planned we had a really good advice from the very beginning someone that my dad worked with had lost his wife to cancer and he said do not wait don't wait to do things until he's feeling better because he may never feel better so do everything you can right now so I was like all right I'm going to I'm going to go to school I'm we're going to travel

we don't we don't care about buying a house right now um so we were like all right we're going to travel we're going to go the places we want and we did that and so that made it so when tanner died i had zero regrets about the time that i spent with him so would that be your advice to someone if they their partner just to do everything right now i just had someone messaged me on instagram telling me that their husband has stage four i think they said stage four colon cancer um and she's like i just feel so paralyzed and i just told her do not wait to fulfill your like do them now with him so whether that and everyone has opinions on like lots of people have opinions on our choice to have a daughter have a kid together but I have no regrets and I am so

grateful that we chose to live our life during those five years I'm it's shocking to even hear that people feel confident enough to voice their opinions on a situation that they clearly haven't lived but I'm not surprised tell me a little bit about that decision because we also had Taylor Oldazil on our podcast like about a year ago and they also had a child and I feel like you know from an outside that makes perfect sense to me but I also am like in that time that must be a very heavy decision to make what was that conversation between you and Tanner like it was very very heavy in 2023 when they found out his cancer was no longer curable which they say stage four is not curable but sometimes okay get lucky okay

So at that point, we were like, all right, like, let's just keep doing treatment. And then they were like, it's spread past your liver. So it's not going to be curable. There's always going to be cancer in your body at some point. So they gave him two to five years to live in 2023. And we were like, hey, what do we want to do with these two to five years? And Tanner, me too, but Tanner just wanted so badly to be a dad. He had such a good relationship with his dad growing up.

And even as adults, they're like these really nerdy best friends. That's so sweet. It is really sweet. So he really, really wanted to be a dad. And I had always wanted to have a family. So at that point, we were like, all right, let's, like, let's have a kid. And then he got sepsis and was in the hospital from July to January, 2024. So we held off on that dream.

I had done an egg retrieval in the summer of 2023 to plan before this happened. Yes, to plan to do a transfer, an embryo transfer in September, and then we just held off. So we had 12 frozen embryos just waiting for when we made the decision to. I don't know a whole lot about like that process. So why the summer of 2023, why not do an egg retrieval in 2024? What was kind of the reasoning behind having those frozen? eggs ready to go. Like, what does that process look like?

Well, we wanted to do a transfer in September, so our child would have as much time with Tanner as possible. So that was the original plan. And then Tanner was too sick. And I was like, it's funny that I say this now, but it's like, I don't want to have a newborn and have my husband be on hospice. Yeah. Which is literally what I lived.

Yeah. Once we did decide to have a baby. Yeah. So when we made the decision to not do an embryo transfer, we decided if you ever get on treatment again and the treatment is working and like stopping your cancer from growing or shrinking it, then we're going to do the embryo transfer. So fast forward to 2024, he was on a treatment that was working. His cancer numbers were going down. So in July of 2024, we were like, okay, I think we're going to, I think we're going to. try to have a baby. We are talking about some very heavy topics in today's episode. So will you just

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Headspace.com slash unplanned. Tanner's oncologist at the time said, you could be on this treatment for years and it work. You never really know with cancer because at some point it can just be like, I'm done. I'm done working with this stupid drug. or actually a drug that we love,

but then it becomes a stupid drug because it stops working. Is it hard to have hope then? Yeah. Because you're like, this feels futile, like if it could just, gosh. I just came to a place of, I was tired of the roller coaster

because it's very much a roller coaster and it's really, really hard emotionally. I came to a place where I was like, cancer is going to take Tanner's physical life. I'm just so grateful for every single moment I get with him. And Tanner, you can tell by his videos, he's a very optimistic and hopeful person. And so his approach was very different than mine.

Acceptance came a lot further down the road for him than it did for me. Yeah. He had to fight. So maybe that's part of it too. Yeah. And people say like the spirit of the cancer patient, you really kind of determines how long they live. and he has a really had and has a really strong spirit so yeah that's incredible with tanner going like undergoing chemo and all these things was it also like not safe to try for a baby because he has like all these like radiation all

these things going on in his body so did he almost have to like bank you know sperm at like a sperm bank sort of thing and that's how they ended up you know putting putting the embryo together how did that work Yep. So our oncologist was great. Before Tanner started treatment in 2020, he said, hey, you should, you should bank your sperm because a lot of times people will come and become infertile after cancer treatment. Really? Okay. Yep. So we banked to sperm back in 2020. That was a fun experience. What was that like? Why do you say that? Because you go to the clinic and then give you this cup. never heard anyone talk about this side of IVF. Poor Tanner. He's so, oh, yeah, he's like, the way he describes it is so funny.

They're like, they give you this cup and you go into this room and there's these magazines that are meant to help you. You're kidding. I'm totally serious. Wait, totally serious. And there's this chair. I didn't know this. And it's like covered with like this plastic stuff.

And he's like, I could not get past. how many butts have been on that chair. And what they're doing? Yes, he's like, I couldn't. He could not do it there. So we had to go home. You had to go home. We had to go home.

You had to go home. You're like, I'd rather you not look at those magazines anyway. Yeah, I was just like, I can do that. Yeah. So we went home and did it. And then you have to like bring it back in this like paper bag and everyone knows what's in it when you walk in there. You're like we can still make this sexy.

Yeah. Yeah. So, that was fun. Oh my goodness. I've never heard about anyone. to talk about that side of things but i always kind of wondering like you know what that involves something different where did you walk into this room with him or did he just he described it to you i mean i walked in there with him at the beginning and then i was like i'll leave you to do your thing

and i'm like all right i'm going to go like sit in the waiting room and then he came out and i'm like that was quick uh and he's like i can't do it i can't do it he's like i'm out yeah i'm out on this Do you still have access? Not. So we use the sperm to make the 12 embryos. So we have the 12 embryos. We don't have a sperm anymore. We just have the 12, well, actually, no, 11 embryos and Amy Lou, my daughter.

So sweet. Yeah. So of the 11 embryos, do you know which ones are like girls and boys? Yeah. No way. Yeah. And so they just give you, they're like, all right, here's this piece of paper and just read it. It'll tell you all about your kids.

Yep. So you can pay to get testing done on the embryos. and it's genetic and chromosonal testing. So they like grade the embryos and like the healthiest to the least healthy. So we had, I think we had six boys and six girls, which I will not be having 12 kids, but that's what we have available. Wow. No way.

Yeah. So did you and Tanner ever have the conversation of having another kid, like in addition to Amy Liu? Yes. So we've had that conversation. numerous times and it's pretty much always been the same he has just said if you feel like you want to use the embryos later in life i'm okay with that and if you feel like you don't want to i'm okay with that too so i don't know what the future will hold for me i'm for for now i pay for them every

month just to keep them there and keep them alive oh that's something i didn't think about it's like an embryo subscription you pay to keep them in a freezer 85 dollars a month whoa yeah would that shocking. That is shocking. I would have thought it's just like a one and done you pay you pay the money up front and you're good but I guess the freezers are probably expensive. No they're tiny they're teeny teeny tiny I didn't know that yeah but you're like basically preserving 11 lives right right yeah so $85 a month I have like I have another widow friend and she let's see her husband's been gone for gone from earth for seven years now and she still pays for the embryos that she has.

Even though she has two twin boys, she just can't bring herself to stop paying for them. I get, you must have such a connection. Yeah. Like, yeah, that's a weighty decision. Yeah. Having a daughter, you guys got to decide that you wanted to have a daughter, right? Like, that was a decision that you made.

Talk to me more about that because I think that's super unique. And I think the story behind it is really cool, too. Deciding for a girl. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, um, I really wanted a girl. for my own selfish reasons of having a little best friend and getting to dress her up, because that's really fun.

But some more academic reasons. Like I taught child development at the university, and so I had a lot of knowledge about kids growing up without a specific gendered parent. And the research shows that a son growing up without his dad, the statistics were not great. And a daughter growing up without her dad, the statistics are still hard, but same-gendered kids typically need their same-gendered parents the most. Okay, I'm just talking about academically what the statistics say, there are always outliers.

Right. Right. There are always people that grow up without a dad, and they are totally fine. But I was just basing, we were just basing off of, like, statistics. That was the best, most information we had available to us. so yeah and making that decision to have a baby you both knew at that time that tanner wasn't going to be around for very long right yeah we knew we didn't know how long um at that point let's see in 2024 by the time she was going to be born it will have been it would have been two years from the time

they gave us the time frame of two to five years so they were like okay like you know we could have three years together um and then tanner's treatment stopped working so we knew it was going to be shorter than that this was when you were already pregnant or yeah we were already pregnant and you mentioned that like people were giving unsolicited opinions i'm curious what like what were these ideas in your real life or was it or was it just people online no it's just people on line yeah well yeah just imaginary people i'm curious what were they saying i mean they're like that's so selfish to bring in a child into the world when you know the parents going to die and i mean i would say that's the gist of what people say is like oh that's so selfish there's no point and even i don't understand

why somebody would say that i guess i guess they don't have to take accountability for saying something so out there but i mean likely i thought like you know these people are probably hurt people yeah maybe they grew up with a single parent and so they were like why would you like knowingly put a child that scenario. Yeah. So I, like, that was just my thought. Like, maybe they're just a hurt person. Um, but I, I knew that I have a lot of love to give Amy Lou.

Tanner's family, my family, and Tanner, even if he's not on this earth, we all have a lot of love to give her. And so I know she's going to be okay. Yeah. And I, I feel like her growing up knowing that her dad loved her so much and then having the community in all. the different men in your life like i want to say i heard an interview you mentioned your brothers being there too so having all these like father figures in her life i i have you know i i have no doubt

that she's going to grow up like knowing that she's so loved yeah yeah i i hundred percent to believe that um from my family tanner's family we have a lot tanner has a lot of really close guy friends that have deemed themselves let's see we got a a gunkle which stands for a gay uncle we We're familiar with golf. Yeah. We love him. He actually was the pianist at Tanner's funeral, and he played. He combined Star Wars songs and church songs together.

That is cool. He's very talented. Yeah, that takes someone that knows what they're doing with music. Yes, he's very talented. He's actually going to release those songs in like, I think, four days on Spotify. Wow. Okay. Yeah.

So I'm really excited. I know that there's a whole community of people that have. are like stoked for that. Oh, so many people asked him to record that because it was so good. So we have his gunkle and then we have like other friends from high school and college and his mission and they want to be uncles to her too. Was that so special getting to tell his family? I'm so emotional all the time. I'm just thinking about telling his mom that. I don't know if you've seen the video but she like screams when we tell her. My parents knew because we lived in We live in their basement apartment, so there's no way I could hide IVF from my parents.

But Tanner's parents didn't know. Oh, wow. Yeah, they didn't know until we got pregnant. And we waited until I was 10 weeks pregnant to tell them. Wow. And they were just shocked. By the wait, just want to make sure everything was like. Yeah, I just wanted to make sure everything, you know, I didn't want to give them another loss, you know.

Look at you thinking about them. We, we, me and Tan. We didn't want them to experience another loss. So, which I mean, at 10 weeks, it's still really early. But yeah. I just wanted to take a second to thank a sponsor of today's video, Haya. We have been giving our children Haya children's vitamins since they were two years old. They are obsessed.

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Receive 50% off your first order. To claim the deal, you must go to hiahealth.com slash unplanned. This deal is not available on the regular website. Go to H-I-Y-A-H-E-A-L-T-H-E-A-L-T-H-C-com slash unplanned and get your kids the full-body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults. Being pregnant with someone that's a patient, like very much undergoing, like also being a caregiver and having it, like, what's that like? So I think this experience will describe it perfectly. When I went to the hospital to get induced, I pushed Tanner in a wheelchair into the labor and delivery. you're like here we are with like I'm let's see almost nine months pregnant and I'm just like pushing

my husband in the wheelchair into labor and delivery that does describe it did please tell you had a somewhat easy pregnancy my pregnancy was pretty easy I was really tired but it wasn't horrible wow taking care of Tanner while he's going under you know chemo and surgeries and you know you said there was 40 surgeries that weren't even major surgeries where he underwent anesthesia. That must have been a lot to do all of that while you're pregnant with a baby. It was a lot. I think of every day, it's going to make me emotional, but every day getting on the ground when I'm pregnant and helping him put on his compression hose because they're really, really, really, really freaking hard to put on. They're so tight. And every day I'm like

pregnant and I'm getting on the ground and I'm helping him put on his compression hose. And And I would just think, I would say all the time, I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to do this, but I did it my entire pregnancy. I know, I don't know how, I mean, I do know how God helps me. But I think back and I'm like, I don't know how, but I did it. That's love. That's a lot of surgeries, a lot of operations. Like, I can't even, I've just, I've just never been a caretaker for someone like that.

I know, like I've had grandparents die of cancer, but I was also very young. know what was going on. I never saw them in their last days because I think my parents didn't want me to be freaked out. They wanted me to like remember this healthy, vibrant version of them. But I did notice looking at, you know, the order of how things went on TikTok, you could really see Tanner's face change and his body change and he lost a lot of weight. You know, what was the day-to-day care like for him while his body was you know slowly dying well it depends on what type what time of treatment we're talking about um because by the time i had amy loo oh this was so hard for me you guys because i had been his caregiver for over four years and i was always the one up with him at night

i was always the one helping him get cleaned up and then i had my daughter and i had to i had to i had to take care of my baby. And so it was so hard for me to have people come and help. And our house was a party, a really sad party, for like six weeks because every night his mom or dad or brother came and stayed with Tanner. My mom slept in bed with me to help with Amy Lou. And it was so hard. It was so hard because I had taken care of him for so long and to not be there. And to not be there. at night was really hard. It was really, really hard. And as he declined more and more,

we had to do a lot more for him, you know, helping him just walk around. Although, when he was on hospice, man, that guy, he was like, he was really strong. Like, the hospice nurses were like, yeah, people usually just stay in bed, and he did not stay in bed. He would, like, get up, walk to the sink.

Just, like, drink from the sink. Like, he just, very strong-willed guy. Yeah. When did he make the TikTok video talking about, you know, what to do if someone in your life is experiencing a terminal illness? I saw this video pop up, and it wasn't, I want to say it was a repost because I think at the time it was posted, it wasn't like a fresh one. But Tanner was talking, I think he mentioned. um like ret and link from good mythical morning how they had like imposed some ideas they had on a on a friend of theirs that was dying of cancer and how they both say now that they regretted that

and how and tanner was basically telling people in this tic talk video how you need to show up with people in your life the way that they need you to show up for them rather than imposing your ideas like or or maybe the the things that would make you feel better about their terminal illness. I mean, do you know when exactly he filmed that? I just thought it was a really interesting video. Is it his long video where he talks about death? Yeah. And his thoughts on death. Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. So that was probably filmed in the first TikTok video we ever posted was in September of 24. And like literally we posted three videos on a Saturday and they went viral and we had like 10,000 followers in 24 hours. So that was shocking. That video.

specifically was probably filmed in late October of 2024. Because it seemed like he'd processed a lot. He's a thinker. Yeah, he was talking about death. He was scared, but then he was also excited. Like, he looked at it as an adventure, and I thought that was so interesting. I also, now that I know that his dad read him Harry Potter, it makes me think about the Dumbledore quote from Harry Potter, where Dumbledore literally says that, that, you know,

death is actually the next adventure. Um, so yeah, I mean, he just had like such a positive attitude about it, but then it was just like his, his fears and his worries were so real because he was, he was saying in this video how he, he wanted to be like mentally present and not, not be like, I think he mentioned his grandpa who wasn't like cognitively there for his last days. What, like, did that wish come true? Oh, yeah. There's some quotes and I, from Tanner and I'm not sure if I should say them on here. You can cut them out if they're inappropriate. But literally, let's see, 30 minutes before Tanner died, his dad and brother were watching Indiana Jones.

And Tanner had taken some edibles earlier in the night to help so he could like just his body be more at peace. And one, he said, wow, I'm so high right now. And then two, he said, friggin Nazis. Oh, gosh. I know. Okay, so that's 30 minutes before he died. Why did he say freaking Nazis? Because it was the Indiana Jones where there's Nazis in it.

Oh, okay, that makes sense. Freaking Nazis. And then he went like, like to the air. Like he's beating up the Nazis. Did that, did that like him taking the edibles that help him not feel so much pain? Because I read in a news article that they were trying ketamine and fentanyl and all these things and it wasn't working. Like it was like his nerves were fried. Yeah, Tanner was an anomaly for hospice.

The hospice experience, unfortunately, was not peaceful for us. I think for most people it is. But his nurse was like, I have given him more drugs than I have given anyone. And he would not knock out. Like, he wouldn't sleep. They would be giving him all of these pain meds and all of these, like, things to help his body just be peaceful. and he would not sleep. He, I guess, now that you bring up that video, man,

he did have a strong will to just be present. And he friggin did it. I mean, I just think, let's see, he died on a Wednesday. I think it was a Wednesday morning. And on the Sunday before someone from our church came over to visit, Tanner was butt naked. He did not want to wear clothes. No.

And I was like, Tanner, Nick is here. he's going to see you naked and he's like i don't care nick will be fine with it he just like did not care so you know what i think he got his wish he was pretty freaking cognitively present oh my gosh yeah what did nick say when he saw tanner butt naked on the couch he was totally chill with it and oh this is really sweet but there's this one part where nick was over um that visit and Tanner stood up, turned around, by the way, he's butt naked, got down on his knees, but naked, by the way, if I didn't make that point big enough. And I was like, Tanner, what are you doing?

And he's like, I'm praying. And I was like, oh my gosh. First of all, I was crying because I was like, here's my husband who's dying and he still wants to pray. also his butt is directly facing our friend from church yeah there was a comment i noticed on ticot where this lady was like i wish i could give tanner 10 years of my life so that he can have so many people said that so many people said stuff like that so that was like a pretty common thing like a pretty common comment you guys would see that yeah i wish i wish for that too i wish for that too. I know you guys are members of the LDS church. Like in what ways did it strengthen your faith

as well as which ways did you feel like it like hurt your faith if at all? Yeah. When Tanner was diagnosed, somebody sent me this talk by one of our church leaders called Faith to Not Be Healed. And basically in the talk it talks about how this young man had cancer and this church leader asked him if do you have faith not to be healed? Because that almost requires more faith than being healed. And so I had that in my mind from the very beginning of Tanner's diagnosis. And I asked myself that a lot. Like, do I have faith for Tanner not to be healed?

Will I still have my faith if he is not healed? And through the whole entire process, becoming comfortable with death and dying, I have seen God so present. in death and dying. We had a death dula. I don't know if you've ever heard of that. What? I didn't know that was a thing.

Yeah. So we have a birth dula, someone that helps a child be born into this life. And we have a death dula, someone that helps you leave this life. Wow. So we had a death dula. Tanner had a death dula.

She was also very helpful for me as well. What type of things did this death dula do? So there's a lot of non-medical things that have to do with dying, a lot of paperwork, advanced directives there's something called a pulsed which is basically your wishes for your medical intervention wishes so there's all these documents she helped us figure that out she helped us plan Tanner's funeral at that point when we first started meeting with her we had already purchased our burial plots and Tanner had purchased his funeral package doesn't sound so like it sounds like it should be

fun but it's not that fun Sounds kind of messed up. Sounds really depressing. Package, like they're trying to like, I don't know, yeah. Which is like just three easy payments of $10,000. Oh my gosh. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.

How, I don't understand that. That's not so mad. That actually does piss me off. But the funeral people are really, really tender people. They're really, at least in my experience, they were very, very wonderful people. This episode of the unplanned podcast is brought to you by. wild grain and life's heavy moments the last thing you want to do is plan dinner or cook dinner and that is why I am a huge fan of wild grain you guys abby recently actually cooked up some

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We did a death meditation at one point. It was like a 40 minute meditation about dying and just the what happens to the body as you die and kind of the process of dying after what happens to your body after you die, which was really interesting. I'm a therapist, so I love meditation stuff. So that was really interesting. I think I'm pretty sure Tanner fell asleep and I was probably present for that. Tanner, I think, definitely fell asleep for that.

But I was present for it and it was really interesting. And one time we had a meeting with the death dula, with Tanner's parents, with my parents, where she gave us the opportunity to basically get everything off our chest that we needed to. Wow. Because when Tanner, at the time, we would say, when Tanner died, we want to make sure that there's no regrets and common regrets are not saying things like I'm sorry not saying things like not saying I love you enough um stuff like that so we had that meeting and made sure we said everything we needed to yeah I'm thinking about how many people like have lost a

loved one and wish that they would have been able to be not that this is like a positive you know what I mean like I don't even want to make like this sound like a good thing I'm grateful for I understand what you're saying. Yeah. I have widow and widower friends that they will say, I'm grateful for the way that it happened because, you know, I have some friends that had sudden losses. They lost their spouse suddenly. And they're like, man, I'm grateful that it was sudden. I'm grateful that it wasn't sudden and that I had so much time to prepare for it and that Tanner's family had so much time to prepare for it. And that Tanner had time to prepare for it. Also, I feel like I wouldn't want my own death to be long drawn out like that wow i'm surprised to hear that it's really really hard to see

someone's body just happen you know to die like that it's really hard i i wouldn't say if i didn't have this experience i don't think i would say that but i live i try to live my life so intentionally every day now so if that does happen i will be okay although now that i have a daughter and her dad is an angel that is harder for me yeah yeah i uh i don't like know if this is the best place to ask this question but i guess i'll just ask it what like i thought it was really cool that you guys did a living funeral whose idea was that that was our death doula's idea really yes she said she had seen some living funerals or celebrations of life and she said i wish more people did them. And then Nick, who I talked about earlier, he went to this event where, I don't remember

what, it was some kind of like ancestry event. And he met these people that film someone's life story. And so he introduced us to this organization. And they filmed Tanner's Life Story. And then their idea, along with Cammy or Death Dulas, was to have a premiere of the life story. That was really cool. I've never heard of that being a thing, a living funeral. So I thought that was really neat. It was so fun. And I also thought it was really neat, too, that, you know, you guys documented everything that you were going through. I started documenting from the very beginning when he was diagnosed. I wasn't doing reels or videos. I was just doing pictures. and it was because I wanted the I wanted people to have a place where they could go and get

updates so I didn't get hundreds of text messages. Ah, okay. So that's originally why I started documenting. And then as Tanner's cancer progressed, I was like, you know, I want people to see what it's really like for us. Yeah. And so then I started, you know, especially when he was in the hospital for like, eight-ish months.

That's when I really started getting more into documenting videos. And the videos were very unique. Like, I don't think I've ever seen another video on TikTok that was like, come with us to go to the cemetery to pick out plots for when I'm dead. I know. I was like, this can't be real. The shock factor. Yeah, and Tanner was all about that.

Yeah, he was all about that. I don't know if you saw us shopping for, what are they called, caskets, where he pretends to get in a casket. That one's fun. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I didn't see the video of him, so he actually got, or he didn't get in it? No, he just like went over there and he was like pretending to like try to get in. Yeah, he's just a funny guy. And caskets are expensive too. Yeah. Freaking expensive. Didn't he end up having like Star Wars? There was like Star Wars. There was like Star Wars stickers. Yeah. All over it. That was one of his wishes that people put Star Wars stickers on his casket. I'm like, all right, we just paid $6,000 for this casket, but yeah, you can put

stickers on it. Yeah, you put stickers on it. But it's, I mean, it was Tanner's wishes. I would do whatever he wanted, whatever he wanted to do. He even joked about wanting Wi-Fi in his casket, so he could watch Netflix. And I was like, sure, I'll put a Wi-Fi thing in there for you. That Wi-Fi, just put a router. Yeah, just put a router in there for you. And the funeral, I want to say the Washington Post said that there were 31,000 people that watched it live on the stream. On YouTube. So who set this up? Did you like have your phone like with YouTube pulled up and you just had it on a tripod?

So actually it's really common for funeral homes to live stream. Oh, I didn't know that. Uh-huh. Yeah, just like for family around the world. Tanner just happened to have a lot of friends and fans and family for. all over the world that wanted to watch so yeah 31,000 people watched it live and then I think at this point it's been a long time since I've looked but it got up to like 54,000 people that watched his funeral that's huge it was a party he wanted it to be a party so that's what it was

was there anything unique about it as far as like party party themes like in addition to the star war stickers on the casket that he requested he wanted a harpist to be there to play Star Wars music. So I found a harpist and I hired her to play Star Wars music. So we did that. His friend Jake, who's the gunkle that I was talking about earlier, he wanted him to play Star Wars and church hymns together. So Jake actually came over before Tanner died and was like, hey, let's go through these songs. Show me the church songs you like. And then I'll mesh them. So he was able to play those songs for Tanner. So Tanner got to hear. them. So we had that, which is pretty non-traditional for an LDS funeral to have Star Wars intermixed

with him. And then for his luncheon, he wanted everyone to have Navajo tacos. I don't know if you know what those are. Wait, is that, is that a local taco place in Utah? No, Navajo is that Native American tribe. Well, I know that. I didn't know if there was like a Navajo tacos chain in Utah or something. Nope, just his grandma. No, okay, so Navajo tacos are like an actual type of food. Uh-huh. Oh, I've never had one. Yeah, it's fry bread. And then it's just basically like chili and lettuce and cheese, basically. That's really cool. It is, it is pretty good. So that's what he requested. So our church, they were able to provide Navajo tacos for us. And then Crumble gave us, Crumble showed up with a bunch of cookies. There were a lot of businesses, I think, that like showed showed up for you guys at one point. And I even, I even want to say, you guys did it go fund me. And I know Tanner in his, in his final video, you know, announcing his death, he asked for people to come around you guys and support you. And I want to say that the GoFundMe far surpassed the goal. Yeah.

What was the original goal and then how much was actually raised? So the goal was 250,000 and there's like this AI with GoFundMe that every time it gets to a certain point, it just like raises the goal. Okay. So you don't, like, go in and manually raise it. The AI just does it. So, yeah. So the original goal was $250,000. It got up to, I think, like, $830,000.

And once it got to $500,000, I was like, all right, this feels, first of all, I did not look at the updates because it felt weird to be focused on money when Tanner just died. So I didn't look at the updates and I asked my family to not tell me because I didn't want to know. But at the point after Tanner's funeral and I looked, I was like, okay. And at a certain point, I said like, all right, anything over 500,000, we're going to donate half of it. Because that just felt like the Tanner thing to do. Yeah.

So, yeah, we made a scholarship fund to award almost. full-right scholarship at Utah Valley University for the family science department, which are both of our majors. And then we have another amount set aside for just to donate to like nonprofits that feel right. It's beautiful to see just community come around you, support you. Obviously what you're going through, I mean, nobody can understand unless maybe someone who's been through a similar situation could understand but just to see so many people yeah donate to the go fund me or just say something nice on social media yeah as like an individual from the outside looking in i'm like wow it just gives me hope for humanity you know right like we live at a time where sometimes

things can be so divisive in our media and on the internet and and but just to see all the the sweet comments on your posts and to see yeah people show up for you like with that go fund me it's like, wow. We experienced so much good from all different kinds of people, all different kinds of religions, non-religions, different political status, different immigration status, different race. And like, I really believe most people are good. There was something I was going to say, and I forgot it. Oh my gosh. It's okay. Come back to me. Sorry, I have so many questions. That's fine. I just, I just want to know, like, what were those final moments like?

Yeah. Oh, gosh. Because it must be the most surreal thing. Like you said, Tanner, I'd just taken some freaking edibles. Oh, that's what I was going to say. And was saying freaking Nazis and, you know. Wait, can I pause really quick? That's what I was going to say.

I thought of my thought. You can tell that you spent that time preparing the way you talk about it now because people listening to this podcast. class that don't know your story at all are probably shocked by now this is very very recent like this yeah he died in june and we're in september yeah and you're also four months postpartum yeah and the way you talk about it is so collected and you're so at peace with it was five years yeah so you had that you use that time so effectively to prepare is what i'm saying like that's amazing now go back to what you're saying about nazis i'm sorry about nazis

Yeah, go back to your same. It must, those final moments must have been so weird because he's like cracking jokes and, you know, you're watching the Indiana Jones original trilogy and then you said that was 30 minutes before he died. Yeah. So, yeah, what was that? What was that like those final moments with Tanner? So I came out at 4 a.m. to wash my pump parts because I was. I had just finished pumping.

And Tanner was awake. He was sitting on the edge of his bed. And Tanner's dad, Tom, was like, hey, I just had this experience with Tanner where we were watching Indiana Jones. It was so funny. He was like friggin Nazis. And I was like, oh, my gosh, that's so funny. I haven't shared this on social media.

But that night, I told my mom when I was going to bed, I don't know why. But for some reason, I'm getting this feeling that tonight. right, Tanner's going to die. And it doesn't make sense to me because he hasn't gone through what's called the active dying phase. There's like passive dying and then there's like active dying. And when you get into active dying, you go into basically a coma and your body's shutting down. He never went into that until maybe like five minutes before he died. So I was like, it doesn't make sense. I don't, Like, my brain is like, no, he hasn't gone into active dying. Active dying takes, like, it can take days.

Wow. Yeah. So I was like, I don't know, but for some reason in my heart, I felt that. And then I went out at 4 in the morning and he was awake. He was on the edge of the bed. And I was like, all right. Well, I guess I was wrong. I went over.

Because every night, every time I was awake, every moment I had, I just said, I love you. you. I love you, Tanner. And I went over and I just like patted him on his back and I just said, I just said, I love you. And he said, I love you too. Just so clearly, yeah, my turn. He said, I love you too. And I went back to my bedroom and my mom was like, how is he? Like, he's awake. He just told me he loved me. So I guess, you know, I guess it's not going to be tonight. And then about, 30 minutes later, so at that point it was probably like 4.45, Tanner's dad came and knocked on the bedroom door. I wasn't fully asleep yet, so I, you know, I just got up. I was like, hey, what's up? He said, I think Tanner's breathing just changed. I think it's time. I think it's time.

And I was like, okay, like he was literally just awake. I would be shocked if it was time. so I went out there and sure enough his breathing had changed pretty significantly the breaths were you know pretty spread out so I called the nurse and I said hey Tanner's breathing has changed and I was I was on the phone and Tanner's dad kept turning around Tom kept turning around saying Shay I think you need to get off the phone I think you need to get off the phone and the nurse on the other end of the line was like it just he just his breathing just barely changed like this takes hours to days. And I was like, okay. And then finally I was like, all right, we'll call you back. And I just, I knew that it was his last few moments. So my mom went upstairs and got my dad and my sister and

my brother-in-law, my sister and brother-law were living with us at the time. And we all came downstairs. We got Amy Lou. We got our dog Luke. I put Amy Lou next to him. And it was really sweet. She reached her hand out towards his hand. You know, I don't know if she knew what was happening. And his breathing was really slowing down. And my dog Luke at one point jumped like physically he like jumped he startled and he looked back at Tanner um and that was Tanner's last breath so I think Luke felt either felt his heart stop or um felt his spirit leave his body his soul leave his body before that happened I just I was rubbing his hand and I was just I just told him, Tanner, we're going to take care of each other.

It's okay. You can go. I'm going to take care of your family. That was something he was really worried about. And then he took his last breath, and it was peaceful. And his brother and his parents were there. His brother was really had a hard time. I was probably the most prepared mentally for his physical departure.

The hardest part, after that point, the nurse came, she was shocked that it happened so quickly. And I was able to, I don't know how familiar you guys are with this process, but I was able to give him his final bath, which basically is just like wiping him down. with towels and I just wipes his face and I just kept telling you, I'm like, oh, I love you. I love you so much. You can cut this part out if you want, but seeing the recent experience with the Kirk family, I personally am not a fan of, well, you don't have to include this because it's very controversial, But I saw her stroking his hand and just saying over and over, I love you, I love you.

And I know how that is. And I felt so much grief and sympathy for her because I did that with Tanner when I was just stroking his face when I was washing him and just telling him over and over. Like, I love you so much. I love you so much. And then the mortuary, they come and they take his body. and that was really, really hard for me. I was weeping so loud and so intently because it was so real at that point.

Like, okay, they're taking his body. He's gone physically from this life. So that was the experience. And I do believe that day was, I felt that Tanner was really, really close by because I just really, really felt at peace that whole day. So that was the experience. Well, thank you for letting us in on such a precious, but really, really intense moment of your life.

I just can't stop thinking about how beautiful and also just heartbreaking it is. the end of life at the beginning of life with Tanner and Amy Lou and like almost like that is the hope that we get to have in all of this and it's so beautiful and yeah just walking through that funeral process with your spouse at such a young age like it feels it could probably feel unfair I imagine but the way that you share his stories is such an inspiration and such a light and I'm curious how you plan to do that for Amy Liu like in her future to keep his story alive and real for her. Yeah. Well, one of the things that we were blessed to do was have Tanner make videos and buy gifts for her and we have this charm bracelet

and we have, I think, 21 charms. So every year I have a charm that he chose to give to her. So we have that. We have videos of him reading stories. We have videos just from him in general. A video of him singing happy birthday for her to listen to every year. A birthday plate for her to eat on every year. So we have that.

And then I was such a documenter that she can just watch all these videos. of her dad and see what he's like. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't ever plan on stopping talking about him. Even if I remarried someday, I'm going to still talk about him. I'm glad you bring that up because that's something I think about you guys had to be so intentional, which is a unique gift in your situation that you do had, you had time to

think and prepare for things that sometimes, a lot of times people, it just happens. and then you just have to collect the pieces afterwards. Did he ever, because we even jokingly among ourselves, like, are like, what would you do? Like, what was that? Like, I can't even imagine, like, in the reality of your situation, having a conversation like that is. Because I feel like so many conversations, like,

I'll come back and haunt you. Yeah. Yeah. What is that like? Do you sleep with someone else? I'm going to freaking haunt you. I know. That's what I tell Matt.

I'm like, I go from come back. So Tanner, I mean, okay, so we, we have the goofy tanner then we have the serious very sweet tanner so serious very sweet tanner is like i don't want you to be alone for the rest of your life i want you to find someone to love and that will love you in this life goofy tanner would say well and he did say um yeah you can remarry but he has to sleep at the foot of the bed like a dog 1,000 that is a direct quote from tanner he also said when we are buying our burial plots, it can be a double deep, meaning two caskets can be on top of each other. So it can be a double deep and also a side by side. So we got a side by side. So he can be

here, I can be here. But they can also be double deep. So someone can be buried like on top of the casket. And he was like, you better not bury him on top of me. Oh my gosh. So he's just, you know, he was Tanner in both of those scenarios where he's just like really sweet and thoughtful. Like I want you to remarry. I don't want you to be alone. And he has to sleep at the foot of the bed. When did he make the comment about you can't put his casket on top of mind? When we were buying the burial plots in 2023. Do you have to decide that before? Like if it can be double deep? Double deep? Because it does it just have to get buried deeper? Yeah. See, these other things I just haven't thought about. I know. Like, who thinks about that stuff?

Oh my God. Not normal people that are in their 20s. Right. And how does it work with like, okay, think about it if you rent an apartment you pay monthly rent right like yeah there's no monthly rent at a at a cemetery so then like what is the is there like a contract for okay we won't mess with this land for 200 years like what does it say like how long or really good question maybe i should read the contract i signed i didn't but i mean from what i know it's just ours yeah yeah it's just ours um people people i don't know if you saw but we have we have a headstone bench both of our names are on it. I cannot tell you how many times I get the comment, what if you remarry? And my answer is, well, I want to be cremated so they can split my ashes. I don't care.

I want to be cremated, but also like, I'm making, I made the decision then, you know, who knows, I reserve the right to change my mind. But at this point, I want to be cremated and so they can split my ashes. Does your experience make you want to, like with Tanner, make you want that option. Cremated? Yeah. I've always wanted to be cremated just because of the, it's more ecological friendly. I was thinking that too.

Yeah. Wow. Your lived experience at 29 is vastly different from most people at 29. Yeah, I would say I'm like an 80 year old woman in a 29 year old body. I'm sure. Like in a lot of ways you have had to, you have lived experiences that just like no one at that age usually has. Yeah.

I'm just sobbing. That's fine. Because you're so articulate and, like, inspirational. And I just know that, like, my life has changed from hearing your story. And I know that so many other people probably feel this way that are listening. But the thing that just keeps standing out to me, I just keep thinking about how to be known is to be loved. And, like, the part that made me just, like, crumble in the car on the way here rewatching Tanner's video, his final video that, like, so many people saw on TikTok. when he was like

it's going to make me cry it's fine you don't give her knickknacks he's like she's going to want to keep them so you feel like you appreciate them

but it's going to stress her out because he's not going to know where to put it and he like really expanded all that because he knew exactly how that was going to make you feel but then also on the flip side

you thinking about how those donor funds like how he'd want that to be spend and that's still motivating your actions because you knew him so well. And it's just like it's changing my heart too because I just know that like so many marriages could would be benefited by that message, including my own. Like that's like that's what I see and you and Tanner is just like to be known as to be loved. And it's just so beautiful. And I'm going to think about

that for a long time. I think that's like one of the best compliments I've ever been given. Thank you. I meet it. Shea, it has been so good getting to talk to you, hear your story, hear Tanner's story. Where is the best place people can stay in touch with you? What's the best place people can connect with you? I'm most active on our Instagram. I need to work on our TikTok a little bit. But Tanner and Shay, that's our Instagram and our TikTok handle. I feel like we could talk for hours and hours. But I know you have a little beautiful baby to get back to. Yeah, we already made her sit for so long. Well, I feel like I could be so open to you guys. You just, you have a presence that feels very authentic. so I felt like it could be very authentic with you guys. So thank you. That's really nice.