The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby - Losing my son, grief & overcoming depression ft. Missy (our friend’s mom)

Episode Date: September 17, 2025

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Seven years ago, Abby and I lost our dear friend Briley to suicide. And this month, September, is Suicide Awareness Month. So this week on Unplanned, we sat down with his mom to talk about it. She really gave us a glimpse into what it's like to lose a child. This is going to be a heavier episode. So if this topic is sensitive to you, you might want to skip this week. But I think it's really important that we talk about these things. If you would be so kind as to donate to the link in the description,

Brian Lee's mom shouted out a charity that we want to support and we are also going to donate to. So please visit the description of this episode and there will be a link for you to donate. I got a text at 445 that said, Mom, I love you more than anything. And according to the coroner's report, he did it at 5 p.m. This lieutenant was in tears. He said, I'm not talking to you as a police officer. I'm talking to parent-to-parent. Yeah.

He said this is one of the worst things I've had to witness. Hearing that it was suicide, it just didn't make any sense because he was such a joyful, happy, just talented kids. He was the funny guy that made everybody laugh. When he walked in the room, the room brightened. Mom is a strong, strong word. It is a strong word, and I'll tell you what, you don't miss that word until you don't hear it anymore. He was home because his girlfriend and him were having troubles, okay? He came home on a Sunday evening.

I went and picked him up because he rode down there with her. He didn't have a car. I had his car, was getting serviced. So he called me on a Sunday night, very distraught at 9 o'clock. Mom, come and get me. So, say less, I'm there. Five hours there. And this is about a week before?

This is three days before. Three days before. Okay. So this was a Sunday night. So I got down there at 1 a.m. And, of course, my bri-bri, the first question was, how was the drive? I was like, long, but it's okay. How are you?

You got there at 1 a.m. At 1. You know, I mean, I were 5 hours straight through. So, wow. I just was like, how are you? And he was calm. And he was just like, how was the drive long? And, you know, I was like, I have to get gas.

You have food. You want to drink? No, no, no. And I was just like, well, I assume this has to do with Kyla. He was like, yes. And I've always been that helicopter, mom. I started asking a few questions. And he said, mom, if you're going to ask me a million questions, just take me back to the dorm.

I was like, nope, I'm not saying a word. So I drove us back. And he was in the back. I could see the texting. We got back about 5 a.m. And he laid down. And then Colin and Kerry, his best friend, my oldest nephew.

He came over at 6 a.m. And the first thing he did, because I happened to walk through there, Bradley always with the videos and the cameras, locked up because he went to smack him in the head to wake him up, which he did. And Bradley immediately looked up and said, first word, did you get down on camera?

So Colin and Bradley hung out They did their things They went shopping They did all kinds of stuff Whatever movies They just did guy stuff Golf, whatever And Colin is one of

Bradley's best friends from Jerseyville From high school, right? First cousin Oh, first cousin And best friend, yeah They're a year apart So yeah Wednesday morning he woke me up

And he said Mom, I have to get back And I was just like, no Because he was going to stay until Saturday Yeah, because he was, I was like, you said you stay, well, until Sunday. Yeah, you know, and he was like, but mom, I have to get back. He's like, I have to get back to these classes.

He was grabbing his sports coat. He was grabbing hoodies. He was grabbing whatever he needed. I mean, there was not a sign because if there was a sign, those car keys would have when I were in, he would have never left. He just looked like he was packing in. I was actually like being whiny. And he was even like, don't cry, Mom.

I'll be home in two weeks. Sheesh. Just for context, too. Briley had never talked about being depressed. He had never talked about being suicidal. No. And it just seemed like he merely wanted to get back to his fraternity to his commitments at school. So you didn't really think anything of it.

Nothing. It was just like, well, I've been here in three days. Got to go. Time to go back. You know, so I was like, mm-hmm. But he's like, and he even said, don't worry. I'll be back in two weeks. You know, it's okay.

And Colin was coming down Friday to spend the weekend with him. Wow. And Bradley even called Colin on the way down there to see what time he would show up Friday. Yeah. So he was planned. He had plans, future plans. Yeah. I mean, from the best of your knowledge, there was no intent at all to take his life that day

because he had everything planned out. Everything planned out. I mean, he was even making plans for Friday for the next week with MSU homecoming. Yeah. He had everything planned out. He had new theater shoes ordered, and they just came in, so they had taken those. You know, he's like, I'm going to need these, we need that. So I was like, okay.

You said you stayed, but okay. And you drove five hours there to drop them off and five hours back like you'd done on Sunday night all through the night. Yeah. Like, you were there. I was committed. You were committed to. Yeah, I was that bomb. You had five hours to talk alone in the car, too.

Yep. then he went back. I got a text at 445 that said, Mom, I love you more than anything. And we would always say love you more to each other. Like, even if we were angry, we'd be like, love you. Love you more. So when I looked at that and it said, Mom, I love you, you know, more than anything, I was just like, hmm, because this rule was when you get to college, text me so I know you didn't die in a fiery car crash. I'm not worried here. So I was just like, oh,

he made it there and I text back the usual Love You More um according to the coroner's report uh yeah he did it at like 5 p.m he got back around 1 I guess in the afternoon he sat in his room with his roommate acting completely normal his roommate said I'm gonna go the commons and or whatever get some Panxpress eat do you want to come probably said nope

he went to go eat really went in the bathroom and locked off. Bradley also was, we're very musical. So he always had his dumb JBL speaker blaring everywhere he went. So when Bradley took a shower,

it was as lot as it would go bumping. Okay. So he went in there and he had his speaker on. And of course he would take the hottest showers and the longest showers. So he just had it on and hot water in dorms does not run out. it was very steamy.

The police report said, you know, when they broke the door down. But so at different times, his sweetmates came in. Yeah. And they were like, oh, Bradley's in the shower. Oh, Bradley's in the shower. Oh, Bradley's in the shower. Then they all came back at apparently 10 o'clock. And they were like, wait a minute.

Why is Bradley still in the shower? So then they went to the RA's room because it was, were banging no response. They ran to the RA. That RA on that floor was out. So they ran to the front desk who called Springfield Police. They contacted the main RA on campus. So when the door was opened, the police report said that it was, you know, the lieutenant, another police officer, Kyla, his roommate, and then his two sweetmates. So when the door was opened and he was hanging there, and it goes into detail exactly which way he was hanging and how he looked and whatnot.

Um, Carla kept running in, trying to grab him by his waist to get him down. Okay. Because it said in the police report that she had to be restrained three times. Okay. So, so his, so his girlfriend was the first person to discover him? Well, when the police lieutenant opened the door. She was behind, and then once she saw she ran through them to get to him. Yeah.

Yeah. So. But then they separated each kid and took their phones. So I did not get notified. They took all the kids that were there. They took their phones. Correct. That way they couldn't say anything to anybody. Right. Well, because it's an investigation. Yeah. Yeah. At this point, we don't know. Yeah. So, you know, Kyla and his roommate, sweetmates were separated and they took their phones. They didn't want I'm calling, whatever. So by time Word got out, I did notice, we had just changed. We had just moved, right? When Byerley started school, his freshman year. Uh-huh. So I did see, like, apparently a couple days later that there was a death notice for me at my old address at 1215, but it didn't. That night.

At night. Mm-hmm. Well, that, yeah, that, mm-hmm. So my ex-husband in Kansas City got notified, and so how I was notified was he called me at 3.30 in the morning. and his mother had been sick and I saw it with him and the first thing that came to my mind was

something happened to Grandma Karen I'm going to have to tell Riley not even rationalized thinking his father would tell him or something that's just what you think and I answered the phone and he said where's your mom?

I'm like in bed, it's 3.30 what do you want? And he didn't have anything smart to say he just said go to her. So I didn't. something was serious and I was like okay so as I started to head towards her bedroom I got I remember right to my bedroom door and he said Bradley's dead and I stopped and I remember I put my head against the door and I said the first thing that comes to mine car crash because it's 3 330 in the morning

and that was always my biggest fear yeah and then when he told me that he committed suicide I was like you're wrong and so I threw I was in my mom's room at this time like I threw the phone to my mom like just pacing like this is this is bull um but once I heard her scream I knew so so you you did believe the news then a couple minutes later at first I heard my mom scream I knew okay that he wasn't just yeah um then he gave my mom the information of the lieutenant that I needed to call. And this lieutenant was in tears. He said, I'm not talking to you as a police officer to, he said, I'm talking to parent to parent. He said, this is one of the worst things I've had to witness. He said, and just, he said, just on his floor, there was 150 kids. Yeah.

In tears. Yeah. Just in tears. They were like, something's wrong with Bradley Blade. Something's wrong for the blade. It's probably Blade. You know, he was very popular. Yeah. And, you know, the thought that things that bother me like the thought that they put my kid in the body bag I don't like that thought for some reason you know but I know that that had to be done to put him on the gurney to get him out

you can't parade him through but I also don't like the fact that all those kids standing there that's what they saw you know I feel for them it's a lot I remember when when we found out Abby and I were just, I mean, I think shocked is probably the best word to put it.

We truly were wondering, like, was there a murder? Like, was there something? We, like, we were running through every single possibility because hearing that it was suicide, it just didn't make any sense because he was, like you've said, so many times before, such a joyful, happy, just talented kid. He was the funny guy that made everybody laugh. Yeah. Like, when he walked in the room, the room brightened.

Yeah. Like, a party could just be okay or get together. When Bradley walked in, it was fun. He was the one that everyone gravitated to. I remember they didn't announce it. The school didn't announce it until the next day. And I just remember at first, no one, they didn't release a name. And so no one on campus knew.

We were like, I mean, a loss like that is heartbreaking, regardless of if you know who the person is. I never knew what was done on campus, so. Well, I think the theater department was the one that told, like, told us. That's how we found out. It was a freshman in the theater department that texted me. We thought he was lying. Yeah. Or mistake.

Not lying, but like mistaken. I was, I was like, this is wrong. You have the wrong kid. And my ex-husband told me that the two police officers that showed up at his house and said, your son is dead committed to a suicide. He said he argued with them for 20 minutes. They're at the wrong house. They have the wrong kid.

Really? Not his kid. Sorry, it wouldn't have been his kid. Because, you know, Bradley was just the light, the joy, the kind heart. Our kids love a good morning routine, and an essential part of their morning routine is taking their Haya vitamins. They love it. They actually call them candy, which is funny because typical children's vitamins are essentially that. They're candy in disguise filled with five grams of sugar, unhealthy chemicals, and other gummy junk.

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and we've worked out a special deal with Haya for their best-selling children's vitamin. receive 50% off your first order to claim the deal you must go to hiahealth.com slash unplanned this deal is not available on their regular website go to h-i-y-a-h-e-a-h-e-a-h-l-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-tall-tttttttach-tland-planned and get your kids the full-body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults it's really heavy you know talking about these things so I really appreciate you being able to be vulnerable and open up and I know there's a lot of people listening who probably have lost somebody to suicide or who know of someone that that is currently struggling with that and is wanting to, you know, act on that. What was something that somebody did to you after the fact that really made you feel loved

and made you feel a scene? Luckily, I have a very close family, very good support systems. So for like Christmas and stuff, they would force me. And not a lot of force, but a heavy nudge. Yeah. You know, that was something. Also, they would force you to like come to Christmas and like be around every. To get the heck out of bed and to take a shower and to put some clothes on and to, yeah, be around people.

So you were spending a lot of days in bed alone? Oh, I was just laying in bed. I mean, I had gone for at times eight days without showering. Yeah. I mean, it was like, no. I mean, half of my soul, my heart was gone. I didn't know how to function. Losing your son of suicide, did that drive you to want to do the same thing?

Yes. Well, my friends had known, especially my best friend, because I, I was a teacher. She was the aide in my room. And I would always say, because we kind of raised our kids together. If anything happens to him, just right me off because I live for him. I mean, so I had, you know, they knew that that's, I lived for Briley. I mean, that's what I did.

I was, whatever he was doing, that's what I was doing. Yeah. You know, and it's kind of weird to come back now because I have to figure out who I am. You know, I was a Rams Trillator. I was this, I was that before Briley. Then I had Riley for the best 20 years of my life, and I was Bradley's mom, and I was a mom. And mom is a strong, strong word. It is a strong word, and I'll tell you what, you don't miss that word until you don't hear it anymore.

I got to a point where I had to stop saying, why am I here? You're here for a reason. Figure it out. The suicide death is the hardest death to grieve. because, yes, losing a kid, it's crippling. But to know that your child would rather be dead than to be here with you. Did you find yourself wanting to blame yourself? Yes.

Oh, the parent guilt is like, yeah, you just beat yourself up. What? Why? Why? Why didn't I call him when I got that text? Why did I let him go back? What was I? You just, you just like, what if? What if I did this? But after two years of beating myself to death?

that I had to come to terms with you can't do that. If you do, you will be insane. You know, you have to stop saying why and figure out what is your why. And then, you know, I looked at myself and I was like, my kid was so full of life and I'm laying here like a slug doing nothing. I'm just existing. Oh my gosh. I'm like so emotional. I know so many moms are hearing when you said about how like your son was born and like everything you did before that. was just like, why does that matter? You know, this is all that matters. And I know so many moms can relate to that.

The second, I held him, I don't remember anything before him. It all went away like a past life. And that became my life. Motherhood, you know, truly, it changes you. It changes your identity. It does. I can't imagine having to then wrestle with your own identity after a loss like this. I can tell you what I started the journey because I was 256 pounds on December 7th.

And I'm a list maker to do, to do, to do, to do, to do. And I was like, you know what? Instead of looking at this list of everything that I didn't do, I have to decide now. Am I going to live? Or am I just going to sit here and exist? Bradley would not want me to exist. He was too full of life. It's time to live.

Let's see how this goes. I'm given this six months to see if I have any one. life changes. So instead of writing down a to-do list, I got me a notebook. I titled it showing up. And I started for that day, writing what I did. And I made myself. Went to my nephew's baseball or football games. Went to this. Went out to lunch with my sister. Did this. I started to make myself list every date. Look what I did today. And then I got to where I would write. Mr. Riley like crazy. Bad day. Sad face. Even in their great day. Best. day sits, happy faces. So not only was I listing what I was showing myself, look what you've

done. You know, not what you need to do. Look what you've done. You should be proud. And now I don't even need to do that anymore. But that was a help. You know, another help for me was journaling. I write letters to Briley. It's kind of like just writing him every day. I know he knows what's going on, but I'm telling him. that you share with me today that I thought was really powerful was you told me that while you were doing a hike here in Phoenix that you ran into a couple and you were just, you know, making small talk with them and you ended up sharing with them that you'd lost your son to suicide. And you said that, you know, immediately this couple just started to tear up. And the dad walked away, you know,

just wanting, not really wanting to engage. The usual stigma of males. In an emotional conversation, but the mom opened up to you about her son being in a relationship. that just ended and her son being suicidal because of no longer being with his girlfriend. And it couldn't help me but think about, that's probably so many stories out there, so many people that are dealing with heartbreak, dealing with someone that no longer wants to be with them. And I think coming to terms with that must be extremely, extremely hard. I don't know all the details, but I want to say that was part of Riley's story too. Because when you mentioned relationship troubles. I know when Bradley and I hung out, he always talked about his girlfriend.

He always was excited for me to meet her because he was obsessed with her. Oh, he was. And I was obsessed with my girlfriend at the time, too. I mean, I talked to everybody around me. Everybody knew that I was dating. You guys are high school sweethearts. So we're Briley and Kyla. Yeah. Same thing. You know, I don't know all the details, but I guess what ended up happening is there was some sort of situation where his girlfriend decided that she didn't want to be with him anymore. Am I correct in saying that? Yeah, something to the point. They were having relationship troubles. She was rushing a sorority. She had new friends, you know, moving on living life, you know, and I think that's not what he

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We've all made bad decisions. We've all not been the nicest to the people in our lives. We're just lucky that they didn't go do something stupid. My son chose to go and put a belt around his neck. No one else put that belt around his neck. He did it. So I always raised Riley. He always took responsibility for his actions.

And to me, that's where that said. No one has blame in this. Yeah. I blamed no one. It's called free will to me. He made that decision. No one did it but him. So who am I to blame anyone else?

It's so hard because you are very active. your mother, and it seems like you had an amazing community. Actually, I remember the day of Bradley's funeral was so impactful for me. I still remember it so vividly because I remember telling Matt on our drive home afterwards. If only every person that we experience in our lives, we could go to their hometown. We could talk to their family, their cousins, we could eat a meal with everyone that like ever cross paths with them in their life. Think about how this world would have so much more empathy.

Oh, yeah. And we feel so much closer. and more neighborly to each other, like, because we only got to know Briley for a short amount of time. But then after that day, I was like, wow, I feel like I have such a beautiful, full, well-rounded view of his life, the 20 years he got to spend on this earth. It was just so meaningful to me. Like, the way that that day just can build so much empathy in a human, I think it's

hard knowing, like, he had such firm roots. He had great community. Great. Amazing, amazing mother. Amazing family. So something you said prior to. recording was like you sat with that why for so long like why what could I have done definitely why why why even not only me but like my sister you know she came to me and she's like why didn't

he come to me my my mom why didn't he come to me my dad wouldn't come to me and I'm like well I'm his mom and they're like well maybe he didn't want to come to his mom you know maybe but he got it came to me so it wasn't just me that questioned it and the way that I explained suicide and the easiest way to do that is I want you to think of a pond and you throw a big old rock in it. The person who commit suicide is that rock. They're in pain and they think the best way to get this and make it go away is going to go away. It doesn't. That rock throws in that pond, it sinks. They're gone. But what happens when you do? It makes a huge ripple that disrupts everything. And guess what? the people closest to that rock, they're getting drowned by that ripple. But as that ripple goes

out into the community, it affects everyone. So here we are, his family, picking up the pieces, you know, because literally with, I think, any child's death, everything's in place. And it's like someone just took them and plucked them. You now have to be like, oh, not only did I have to make sure his dorm room was packed up and moved home but then i had to go through his room room it's just like death is the ultimate equalizer you cannot take it with you and that was very evident at the death of my son because you walk in everything of briley exists except briley that's tough to swallow and you know not being called mom is tough to swallow that that's you know that's a knife to any mom's.

Yeah. I think about the conversation about grief. Because, like, that first, those first weeks had to feel almost, like, too big. You couldn't even feel it. I remember sitting on the couch all day with people coming and going and, like, so much food that we couldn't even store it at our house. We had to go store it out at our sister and brothers. Yeah.

And just so many flowers that we had to, again, take them to other houses because you couldn't walk through our house. But, you know, people were coming in and out. And I just remember sitting on the couch. It's kind of being like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. It didn't hit. Nothing really hit until that evening around 7 o'clock. His father had gone down there.

His father had picked through his things. And one thing that he took was Bradley's Broadway Award in his car and just a few things and rummaged through and left everything else. That didn't sit well with me. So when I hung up the phone, I snapped. I yelled. I screamed. I cussed. I cried. And that was the first time that I actually had release of emotion. It needed to be done. But it was actually seeing the people come together was just, I didn't have to ask for anything. One of the main first gifts we got was free photo

developing and then those poster boards. This is actually a great gift for someone who dies because they just started pulling pictures from the kids' phones and so fun pictures, snapschats, anything that they had. So they got hundreds of those pictures developed and they were sitting there making those picture boards, storyboards that they displayed in the funeral home to give it more life. And as I walked through from my bedroom to the kitchen, I had to do a double tape at like the eight family members

that were sitting there going through pictures and doing it were not eight people that I would directly put in the same room together. Yeah. But there they weren't working together at the table to do something. And as I walked by, I kind of just stopped and looked. You know, like, Mom's like, would you like to help? I was like, no. But I went back in my room feeling good.

That's the first few days. As months start to pass and now we're getting to years beyond, like, what is the hardest parts, would you say? I hear a lot of people say I've lost loved ones, like holidays are specifically hard. Yeah, and I will say, happily, this Mother's Day was the first Mother's Day that I acknowledged. So the last five, don't tell me Mother's Day. Don't wish me Mother's Day. I don't want to hear it. Right. So my family would just text me thinking of you, love you. Yeah. And you know what? I have a mother and a wonderful stepmother and I celebrate them and that was that. I don't want to hear it. But I've come a long way. I am a mom. I'm a mom of an angel, a beautiful angel. Say someone

else has a close loved one who is in a similar position to you on Mother's Day. What advice would you give to that person and how to come alongside them? Because sometimes I think people are afraid to hurt feelings but then could also unintentionally just neglect them on those days. I had friends. that I didn't hear from for like a year. And then when they did talk to me, they were like, I'm sorry. I didn't know what to say. I was a bad friend. And I was like, don't be sorry.

There isn't anything good to say here. But I mean, also my family and my sister, you know, my dad, my mom, my brother, they were like, you're going to come to Christmas. But they didn't push too hard. Yeah. They knew like when I said I had enough, okay. She's let her go. It's okay. Yeah.

You know, because everybody's grief journey is different. There's no right or wrong way. And that's the thing that you need to figure out. I started to compare myself to others. Like, I'm not special. She lost a kid too. She's functioning. But, you know, circumstances are different.

And everyone's grief journey is different. So I had to learn to show myself grace first. Something that I thought was challenging that you've been through is staying in the same. location. I can't imagine losing someone and staying in the same town. You've mentioned that you know, everything in Jerseyville reminds you of Bradley. Anywhere you go, it reminds you of Briley. Even something as simple as going into a grocery store, going into Walmart, people will see you and come up to you and talk about Briley because I'm sure they're trying to be kind or

courteous or loving to you. I mean, Bradley's memory is still alive. But, you know, sometimes I'm just like, dang, I just came in to grab a quick bag of cat food, you know, which, and I appreciate, I really do appreciate, but, you know, you have to remember, like, sometimes the high is just okay. Yeah. We don't need the whole, how are you doing? Has I been thinking, is everything okay? You know, because as much as we appreciate that, it's also a trigger and a reminder for us.

Right. Yeah. You know, so sometimes just that, hey, how are you doing? Because I'm going to say, okay. Yeah. That's all we need, you know. But I did have one particular, my best friend's aunt right after Briley died, she's a very proper Southern woman,

and she believes every woman should wear makeup as soon as they get up and do their hair. And, you know, when you're in deep depression and you're not showering for eight days, you're not wanting to go anywhere. Aunt Louise is very forceful. She gets her way. She made me come over with my best friend, Beth, once a week, every Tuesday. I grumbled at first because I had to get up. I had to take a shower.

I had to do my hair. I had to get on makeup. I had to get on clothes, actually. But when you go over there, every time it was a different lunch, it was a different restaurant. I found myself looking forward to Tuesdays. I did start to do well, but then I dropped back off. For another year, I just didn't go to work. I didn't, I cut off my family.

I cut off my friends. I cut off my bonus little ones. my little bonus grandkids, I did. Did they try coming to your house and you just wouldn't even answer the door? Yeah, it was just more annoying for me. I was like, I was like, I want to be alone. Just like, go away. Did any family members ever like climb through a window to make sure that you were okay?

Yeah, I mean, yeah. You know, I lived with my mom. I was okay. Okay, okay. I mean, they checked on me. Yeah. I was just like, you know. And I went and I gained, I got up to 256 pounds because food became my, my drug.

Yeah. My coping mechanism. And it became like, I guess, like a powder struggle. Like, I was eating things I don't normally eat, like Reese's peanut butter cups and stuff. And it was like, I'm going to eat this king size. And I dare you to tell me not to do it. It was kind of making me like a rebel thing. Like it may be an anger thing.

Yeah. But like I said, on December 7th, I made a decision. December 7th, 2024. Yeah. Like just recently. Just not even a year ago. I said you either have to live or this is it. Yeah.

So I started with the journaling of. what I did showing up. Look what you did today. Be proud of yourself. Start with the self-acceptance of, it's okay if your grief journey takes longer. It's okay if your grief journey is not the same. It's okay.

And it's okay to not be okay. Something I do with my littles, my best friends, grandkids, typical four-year-old, two-year-old, they get up, they get cranky. I will say no one. Come on. Let's do a reset.

and we take a couple deep breaths and we have a reset because we don't want to hold on from the morning bad behavior or me constantly yelling at him or putting him in time out to a reset.

So I have learned for myself if I'm having a bad morning, stop it. Yeah. Take some breath, do a reset. And for me, the thing that helps me is mindless, hilarious TV.

I have ridiculousness on and impractical jokers on constantly. Because it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Yeah. And I want to be like Riley. He was always kind. He always paid it forward. He always laughed. And those were two of his favorite shows.

Yeah. And I mean, I'm sorry. If you were not watching the idiots on ridiculousness and it does not make you chuckle, something is really wrong with your funny bone. I realized also because I went on the weight journey. I've lost 106 pounds. That's incredible. That's December 7th.

I think I saw that. Did you make a post about that on Facebook? Yeah. I want to say I saw something about that. Yeah, I haven't been like, I'm not bragging, you know, because it's my journey. That's amazing. Yeah, you should be very proud of that. I still have about 20 I'd like to go, but I feel better.

I'm me. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, and even recently you texted me. You, like, sent a mass text in a group chat to a bunch of people saying, hey, this is my new phone number. Yeah, I got a new address. If you can, like, add my contact, that would be great. and it was so cool hearing from you because I mean it's been like seven years since I've seen you

and I'm guessing like was getting a new phone getting a new phone number was that part of your reset yes I did a full reset so I didn't date when Bradley was alive because it's not my place to my place was to raise him not raise any top pull every Tom dick and Harry in front of him not he was my number one focus so I thought I'll date when he goes to college That happened. So I decided, you know what, I've never been alone. I came from a very close-knit family. I went away to college with roommates, graduate school with roommates.

Then I had Bradley at 25. And you know as a mom and as a dad, once you have a kid, you're never alone. Yeah. Never, ever, ever. So now you're alone for the first time. For the very first time, I'm 52 and starting over and I have to be okay. And, you know, the child was not my choice. But it's very freeing now.

I can make my own choices that benefit me and not have to worry about others. This episode is brought to you by Google Gemini. Thinking back to our college days and thinking about the links we had to do to go to, and that wasn't even that long ago to do research. Just to study, just to make some freaking flashcards seem to take forever.

No, no. Remember when for a class in college I had to go through, what were those tapes in the, the library. It's like film. Oh my lord. Abby was, yeah, you, you went, was it a freaking record player that you used? Or was it, was it a VHS tape or was it was even more ancient than a VHS tape? Our more seasoned viewers will know what I'm talking about, but you had to put like these rolls of film on this machine and like zoom in to look at old magazines and articles. That just gives me the ick. I can't believe people actually used to do stuff like that. So much hassle, not very efficient with my time. But now,

college students do you know you can turn the most complex topics into simplified ideas or hours of research into just minutes how about turning class notes into practice quizzes that can help you get the big idea with google jemini you can do all that and more you can even turn long reads into quick listens because what could be better than a podcast i've actually tried this out before babe it is very cool you just give it your notes everything you want to review and then boom you got a podcast right from Google Gemini. That's actually insane. We're living in the future, everyone.

The great news is students get Google Gemini's pro plan free for one year. Sign up by October 6 to get free access to Gemini 2.5 Pro. Unlimited image uploads, deep research, notebook LM, 2 terabytes of storage, and more. Visit jimini.com slash students to learn more and sign up terms apply. I love how you talk about journaling, specifically in the letter format. I think that must be so impactful. and it's actually a very similar theme to the musical Dear Evan Hanson.

I don't know how familiar you are with it. No, I haven't seen it. Which is actually like a big inspiration too for like wanting to have this podcast. We just saw it at the Muni and it covers the topic of suicide. Yeah. And it's some,

a big part of it that I love, what's the line if a tree falls in a forest? Does anyone ever hear it still make a sound? Yeah, but a tree's still make a sound. Basically, you're, illustration of like the ripple effect on the lake like that is similar sentiment thinking about the ripple effect and thinking about the people that are might be on the outside of those ripples were there people that came out around that time of loss or since then they're like wow

I didn't even know this big of an impact happened like Riley's life had this impact on you yeah um you know um like my brother-in-law works for amarin and st. Louis and he even like went to a conference over there and there were other people and of course they were like, where are you from? He said, Jerseyville and Illinois, and they were like, oh my gosh, you just had a major suicide with a kid there. It was huge. And he was like, that was my nephew. But also, I, the spot that we put Bradley in in the front, and I'm glad I, at the time I was thinking, so I didn't put him in the Catholic cemetery. I put him in the city cemetery, which is beautiful.

And we have an old spot, which is by the mausoleum, and they just happen to have two extras. And it's right in front. And Carl had them, he said, right in front, Riley needs to be. And I'm glad that I got that because the kids that he counseled or maybe younger kids that were friends with him out in that ripple effect, they ride their bikes out there. So I often see kids on bikes out there visiting. So yeah, it did affect everyone. And, you know, I don't know if you remember driving across from the church to the cemetery. They did tell me afterwards that it took 25 minutes to get everyone across the road. But did you see all the kids at the elementary school with their hands on their heart as the hearse went by? The topic of suicide

has been talked about a lot more recently. I don't remember the conversation as much. Even when I was in high school, I feel like we've had a lot more conversation about it. I'm curious from your perspective as someone that has been so deeply impacted by it. What are we getting wrong about the conversation like what about it where are you like this is a misconception or i don't like this first of all we first of all we make it like it's bad like uh suicide no no no don't talk about it yeah like there's a stigma and i think it's because people just don't understand you know here we are we work out we take care of our bodies but we don't take care of our brains yeah brains are a muscle and you need to you need therapy you we all have issues we're all going through something we're all

finding something that needs to be dealt with but it's just the fact that it's the stigma especially with males you know you look over someone looks sad when I was growing up it was like what do you have to be sad about you know you don't have any bills what do you yeah you're sad figure it out talk to people yeah you know I've suffered from anxiety and depression since the age, I was born with anxiety. And I'm sure that's where, and I deal with that guilt, that I gave it to my child, you know, but I had to let that go.

Yeah. You know, like, it's just like anything else. It's like diabetes. It's like anything that you need a treatment for. Did you end up getting on any sort of medication after Riley's death? I was on medication before Riley's death, yes. Okay, okay. And actually, proudly, I'm actually halfway off of all,

I mean, all my meds of cutting half. I'm doing so well okay so you're working on getting off of those yeah well there'll be a little that I have to take because I naturally I I suffer from anxiety and depression so the reason I think that if friday was struggling and he didn't reach out was because here at his father constantly call me crazy crazy crazy crazy there we are with the males and the stigma you know and a boy typically doesn't come out and say hey this is bothering me because what's someone going to say get over it. You know, we've got to stop that.

We've got to stop to get over it. We need to talk about it. And for me, the Jed Foundation is the best because the parents started this, their youngest son committed suicide, and it works with schools and universities to have groups and to raise awareness. And let's talk about this. Let's break the stigma. It's okay.

Bradley didn't reach out. But I always, I started this thing, I don't know what you're not saying. I can't help you if you don't tell me you're in crisis. And neither can anyone else. So if you don't reach out, we don't know what you're not saying. You know, we're not mind readers. Please tell anyone. You know, hopefully it's someone that you trust enough that will help you and not just blow you off.

Like, get over it or go take a nap or whatever. Yeah, maybe a part of that conversation is also, like, be willing to talk to somebody. But then if someone approaches you saying X, Y, and Z, training people to know how to respond to that. Because sometimes I think there's probably well-meaning people that are like, okay, this is important. I know I should do something, but I just not sure I have the words to say. Correct. I mean, when someone comes to you and I feel like unaliving myself, it's, you're like, okay. You know, what are you going to respond to with that back?

The first thing you should say, how can I help you? You know, not get over it, go take a nap, whatever. What can I do for you? How can I help you right now? What do you need? What is your problem? How are you feeling? How can we get through this?

Because I'm here. We will get through this together. And of course, if you're at your where you're at your width in, there's always the 9-88 lifeline, you know, for emergencies. I'm glad you mentioned that because I didn't even know about that until you had brought it up. 988 is essentially for anybody that doesn't know. It's the number that you call like 911, but 998 is for people that are considering suicide.

It's called the 988 lifeline. Yeah. So if you are contemplating suicide, if you are having deep thoughts, call it. I want to get into a little bit more about Riley's legacy, also a little bit more into the person that he was. I'm sure for everyone listening in who didn't get the chance to actually know, Riley and be around him like we did. There's a lot there, but I did want to share with you some fun memories with Riley because I think it's always fun to bring these up.

I was thinking about this a lot today, and one of the memories that came to my mind was working out together. We only worked out together a handful of times, but I remember one time we were on the way to the gym, and the Marine Corps was recruiting on campus. He wanted to be a Marine. Yes, and they had a pull-up bar, and they were seeing if any guys, wanted to see how many pull-ups they could do and do a competition. Well, I had been working out quite a bit, so I thought, man, I feel like I could maybe crush this. I think I could win.

And I go up, I go up and I want to say I did 14 pull-ups. And I was feeling pretty good. I was like, I don't think anyone's into top of that. Briley gets up there. And he did either 15 or 60, just completely, it was impressive. I mean, the Marines were very strict. So if you didn't do perfect, pristine form, they were like, that doesn't count. They wouldn't even, they wouldn't even counted for us. And another thing, we were both skinny guys trying to gain muscle. So in the gym, I remember him doing this workout. I thought it was so funny.

And I ended up doing it too because I was like, yeah, he's got a point. I've got a skinny neck. I got a bulk up my neck. But he put like, he strapped something to his head and then put a weight like at the end of it. And he was like laying down on a bench, like lifting his head up and down. Like he was like a chicken. He learned that in football.

Okay. Because when you do football, you have to. have a strong neck so there's actually it's funny you can put the weight but there's actually a neck machine okay your place must not have the machine we did I never had a machine yeah yeah so yeah okay he just was making do he was my guy's on the weight I guess yeah just a few more another one I've told you this one before but Briley I thought Briley was beatboxing next to me in acting class oh I think about this a lot I was like no freaking way somebody else who loves to beatbox so I started going like with him and then bryly starts beats boxing and then we're beatboxing together we're

like making all these beating stuff and then he's like yeah i have Tourette's and i'm like i'm I'm so sorry I did not mean like I was totally never would want to hurt anybody but he he just went with it that was Riley yeah no he uh he had he had the facial tics and they would shift and then once he had puberty he had the little hums like just the yeah I've realized I have a pattern going on with the audio books I select recently. I tend to go from a murder mystery, more of a thriller type of vibe, to a pallet cleansing, romance type of vibe, maybe with a little smut. I just explained to Matt recently what that word means, and now he tries to say it whenever

he has the chance. But I've always turned to romance to be like my palate cleanser. I just love a good romance, and Audible's romance collection has something to satisfy every side of you. fancy a dalliance per se with a duke or perhaps a sexy billionaire who doesn't love a sexy billionaire find a book boyfriend in the city and another on the hockey field or if nothing on this earth satisfies you you can always find love in another realm never tipped my toes in that type of genre but there's always a first time for everything we're talking cord of thorns and roses baby wait what's that called akatar here modern wrong comes from authors like lily chew and ali hazelwood the latest romantic series from Sarah J. Mass and Rebecca Yaros and Regency favorites like Bridgerton and Outlander plus all the release steamy stuff. Oh, wow. I've personally been really liking Carly Fortune's newest release. There's something for everyone though on Audible romance. Your first great love story is free

when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.com slash unplanned. You know, it's hilarious because you know in typical Briley fashion, me and him, and I know you've seen the photos, we'll have to put up a picture on the screen for everyone to see, but we painted ourselves in body paint. Actually, I don't even think this wasn't even body paint. I bought this paint. It's just like acrylic paint. It was like the cheapest paint I could find as a college student. I was like, I don't want to drop a bunch of money on paint. So we went to Walmart and got white and maroon paint and it like stung on our entire body because it was just like not meant to go on your body. But anyway, like I forget if I had the M and Briley had.

the U or whatnot but we painted her bodies put on these these bear heads we're going crazy in the student section there's nobody there like no one showed up to this game except basically they're getting smoked I pretty sure yeah I think I think the bears it was like 69 is something because he went viral yeah we were down by like 40 points and then bryly went viral because this clip of him I think he was flossing or dancing yeah like some and those you guys had on those jorts yeah they were so short we had extremely short, jorts on... You had pockets

were even showing they were so short. And he went viral on this social media page called fifth year. It's like a subsidiary of barstool. And also on barstool and then on ESPN4.

Okay. It's because ESPN4 you guys were losing so bad. Yeah. So badly that they were just skating in the crowd. Like, well, this is boring. I think it was towards fourth quarter.

Yep. Who did they spot? Riley. You were sitting down. I think you had had enough. You were tired. So you got the bearhead on. Like,

Preston. And I was like, Matt's the smart win. He's got the bare head on, so I'd have to know who he is on national TV. But there was Riley, you know, dancing or flossing or something. So, poop. ESPN's got like, well, look at this guy. His team's getting smoked, but he's still got it. So actually, the head coach of the football team pulled him down. And so for the homecoming game, for the pep rally, there was a post on his Instagram. he's uh they pulled him down and the head coach gave him a hoodie because he's like for this game you might need to put some clothes on but for that pep rally he had the head coach next to him the whole football team behind him he was in the gymnasium in the pep rally and the football coach pulled him down

and said this is our best you know fan this is how the student should be here i never even knew about this oh yeah and so he has an instagram post with him with this whole gym He's like, college is pretty cool. He's like, I got the football coach next to me, football team behind me. And I still have that hoodie that the football coach gave him. It was really unique. And he's like, you're going to need some clothes for the homecoming game. But they let him speak and get down there.

And he was like, you know, go bears. He's like, this is what we need the students to all do. That's awesome. That is. That's hilarious. Yeah. You know, I think it's important to bring up like, yeah, you look at Bradley. You look at how fun he was.

and how just a joy he was to be around. And, you know, he's going viral on social media for just being this silly fan. Yeah, being himself in the stands. And yet nobody would have ever guessed that he was going through something when he was going through something. Never. And it's nobody's fault. You know, it's not your fault.

It's not. It took me a while to realize that. As a mom, it took you a while to drop that grief as a mom. Yeah. Because you're like, I grew this kid. How did I miss this? Yeah. But there were, honest to God, not a sign.

Yeah. Because it wasn't just me. It was everyone in the family that said. He was the kid that came in with a smile, that everybody was waiting. Where's Bradley? Where's Riley? Where's Riley? Because it's not fun until Bradley's here. What do you want Briley's legacy to be going forward?

Like, what does that mean to you? My son was one of the most kindest humans that I ever met. If he saw a kid sitting by himself at the lunch table, he would go sit with that kid. He didn't care. One quick example story at U of I for Theater Fest They were at a bus station He noticed this guy looked distressed

The guy was blind And had lost which bus he was to go to So Briley Told us theater people I'll be back And guided this man to the exact bus That he needed to go Because that's what Briley was

I had a teacher tell me I started it as a parent you're grateful to hear these things because you know you did something right. That was just his heart and that makes me decide my purpose here is to help the kids. I want to help others. I have an education degree, a special education degree, but if I didn't have student loans, I would go back and get that counselor degree because I am so close and I have a master's degree that where I could go to the schools and maybe start with that Jed Foundation

because they raise awareness and they have the money that starts. of things in schools and in universities where kids who are having an issue can reach out. And this is my third chapter. So this is what we have to do. I had to pick myself up. I have to use my coping techniques that work for me for things that work from here in the shower. You know, if you're having trouble and you're having trouble getting up, I swear this sounds so minute.

But get up. Wash your face, brush your teeth. comb your hair, force yourself to just put on clothes. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. The difference that it makes is shocking. From somebody who has been to the lowest depths of hell to where I am now, I had to find coping techniques. And that's where everyone who's going through something needs to do.

I think that we get so wrapped up in my aunt, God rest of soul, Aunt Patty, would always say you could get through anything if you have a plan. okay well I think people are ready to rush with my plan is I should have a job at this point I should have a house at this point I should have a car at this point I'm starting over at 52 my car barely runs it's my dad's actually um I'm not teaching right now I'm waitressing it's humbling yeah but guess what I'm happy the plan is for today yeah you know we can get through anything if we have a plan let's make the plan for today today's plan is to get this to do this to do this to do this you do this, and then at the end of today, you get to write it down what you did and you get

to take pride. Because when I first started the journal of what showing up, the entries were this big. Yeah. You know, as it got going, half page sometime of everything I did and how I felt and how grateful I was for the earth angels in my life. You know, I mean, you just have to make that decision to do it, to live. That's powerful. I think writing, things down to show yourself what you accomplished is so cool because there's been times that like looking back at my past if I would have just written down some of the stuff that I'd accomplished I could have taken so much pride in that but it was like my my mind was focused on other things yeah yeah and so you know as weird as it is we're all we're all human we're we all have these complex

feelings and emotions and sometimes to take yourself to the next step just as as simple as yeah getting out of bed taking a shower brushing your teeth making your bed and riding down even just that that you say that you did it that and to take pride and that you did that thing yes that's what you today i got up today i took a shower today i made my bed today that's that's what you mean that's what i mean about make your plan attainable you don't want to set it where it's not reachable because then what's that more failure to you exactly and more negativeness. So it's not what we need to do. But yes, we do the walk out of the darkness every year for Briley. That'll be coming up at the end of September. It's a 5K walk and he's on

the quilt and they go city to city. You can also have your own to raise money for suicide. We get a theme every year and we go and we raise money, a group of us, family, friends, yeah. It's something than we do. Now, I would like to reach out really quickly to the LGBT community because with them and the gender identity and the crisis and then everything, non-acceptance that they go through, I would like to say the Trevor Project for them is perfect, perfect place for LGBTQ to reach out. And it helps anyone with that.

Another one that I also hold dear is the Soldiers Club because our vets, our vets are committing suicide at an alarming rate, at an alarming rate. We work out our bodies. We're all obsessed the way we look. This is just as important. Well, Missy, thank you so very much for coming on the show. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for sharing Riley's story.

If you are someone that knew Briley or had some memory that you wanted to share, please feel free to comment down below the memory. I'm sure Missy would love to read those in the comments. Because, again, I mean, just being at the funeral and seeing how many hundreds and hundreds of people were there, it was just so clear that he made such a large impact, such a large ripple on the community. So, Missy, thank you for being here. Thank you, guys. It's so inspiring to hear you deciding to restart at 52 and take life by the reins.

And that's really inspiring, I think, for me and for so much. many people. So thank you for being here. Thank you.