The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby - Married Couple Answers Your Relationship Dilemmas (Cheating, Performance Anxiety, & Sleep Divorce)

Episode Date: February 11, 2026

Matt & Abby answer your real relationship dilemmas, no filters. From cheating and performance anxiety, nothing is off the table. Honest advice, awkward questions, and conversations most couples avoid. This episode is sponsored by Hiya, Nutrafol, Audible & Square. Hiya: Receive 50% off your first order. To claim this deal you must go to https://hiyahealth.com/UNPLANNED Nutrafol: Get $10 off your first month's subscription and free shipping at https://nutrafol.com with promo code UNPLANNEDPOD. Audible: Listen to Jay Shetty's new Audible Original series Messy Love: Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection—go to https://Audible.com/MessyLove to start listening today. Square: Get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com/go/unplanned ! #squarepod Chapters: 00:00 - Answering your dilemmas 04:58 - My friend cheated on her fiancé 08:13 - My significant other is struggling with confidence 11:57 - My partner is always on their phone 16:36 - My spouses farts smell so bad 19:33 - My husband is experiencing performance anxiety 21:55 - Date night suggestions 25:48 - My husband won't move from our home state 27:40 - My husband's love language is not physical touch 30:17 - What will actually change when we get married? 31:28 - Should we wait for baby number 2? 35:45 - My mother in law smokes 39:19 - I'm never in the moooooood... 41:34 - How do we agree on when to get married? 44:25 - Should we postpone the wedding? 46:03 - The only thing that bothers me in our marriage 49:22 - How do we have more fun trying to get pregnant 53:38 - What are you thoughts about people getting back together 56:13 - How did you deal with waiting for marriage 58:18 - Advice for postpartum depression? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. My friend fully cheated on her fiance at my bachelorette. Do I say anything? What is that even like? I've never been to a bachelor party like that. My significant other is struggling with confidence right now. It's starting to give me the ick. What?

Just give him some action. Nothing makes me more confident than getting laid. That feels the man's confidence. My spouse's farts smells so bad. I have to sleep in a different room. What would you do if say I had a farting problem? Let's say you. Hey guys, real quick, just wanted to thank you for.

tuning into another episode of Unplanned. Did want to bring up, though, that most of you are not subscribed to the show. So if you haven't subscribed yet, please do that right now. It's so easy. It's free. While you're at it, if you could leave us review on Apple Podcasts, we'd really appreciate that as well. And we'll be reading a review from one of you guys at the end of today's show. Thank you so much.

What is Up, dudes? Welcome back to Unplanned, your favorite podcast. We are so happy that you guys are here. I think we're bringing back What's Up, dudes. I didn't fill you in already. Yeah, I found that out like the last episode. But guys, today, we are answering your... I like your shirt, by the way.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, Addie, for getting him this shirt for Christmas. Thank you, Eddie. I have one as well, but we decided that when Matt just organically came downstairs in this, that I wasn't going to change, but I'll have to wear mine for an upcoming episode as well. My favorite picture is you slapping your butt cheek right here and your blue bikini. I taught the kids that mood.

Yes. Okay, but today we are answering your relationship dilemmas that you guys submitted on the unplanned podcast, Instagram. Thanks to everyone that's sending questions. And thanks to everyone following the unplanned podcast Instagram. We got some really, really wild ones, actually. So let's just put this friendly reminder out there that this is completely unqualified advice. Yes, we are not experts if you didn't know that. If you can't tell by the shirt that I'm wearing, we're just, we're just a couple that loves each other and we've been together for about a decade. We've gone through many dilemmas, I guess. That gives us a little bit of credentials.

You know, I heard recently from Mel Robbins. is a relationship is like two people in a boat and it's just about like keeping the balance yeah keeping the balance and stick, like, stay in to get, like, there's going to be times that one of you wants to leave the boat. Like, there's going to be times. And she talks about that. Yeah, because I think, I want to say Mel has been married to her husband for a long time. But like, there's just times you hit in relationships where things get really tough. And it's just you have to choose to work through it and choose to love each other through the tough times. I don't, maybe there's a unicorn out there that has like a perfect relationship and they never encounter challenges. But I think that the people that act like they don't

have challenges in the relationship are just liars. No, I just think there's a certain personality type where like maybe they won't bring it up. Oh, where it's like, they just avoid that. Yeah, that's true. That's good. Yeah. As someone that does bring things up often, that lifestyle honestly sounds kind of nice to me.

I'm like that sounds like they're taking the high road. But there's probably, it's probably better to be open and honest. Yeah. Sometimes it's just a lot of work. Gosh, dang it. Yeah. But I did see a video recently. It was a man just saying like, I feel like it's a balance, right?

Like talking about marriage in a way that is like, okay, like let's be real about it. Like if you experience conflict. in your marriage, please don't think that your marriage has to be over. And there's like seasons and waves, obviously. But then also this guy was like, I feel like we're really good at hounding how difficult marriage is. Like, I genuinely like love being with my wife. I don't get sick of her.

I want to be with her all the time. He's like other things in life get hard. Like our kids, our work or life circumstances. But I just like genuinely love being with my wife. And I don't understand people that don't or get sick of their spouse. And I'm like, that's a really good message to also say. That's a good message. I think I really appreciate the like negative Nellie's.

though, because then also like when you're in a season of tough things, it, are you, what are you doing with you like? I'm stretching a little bit. You're stretching your hip, your hip out. You got a sore, you got a sore hip right now from the gym. Yeah. You keep like, I just feel like you're like in your knees. Please don't want to distract you.

Continue. Anyway, what was I even saying? Yeah. You like negative Nellys? I love the negative Nellys, though, because like they make you recognize that life isn't easy and life is hard and therefore, you know, in your relationship you're going to, you're going to. encounter hard life circumstances and you have to work through them.

Maybe that's because you're like internally an optimist more. Actually, yeah, maybe. I like, I like, I like, when things aren't going right, I'm like, what the heck? Like, it bothers me because it's like, I think everything. I expect that. I expect for good things to happen. So when bad things happen, I'm like, what's, what the heck's going on here? Yeah, what's wrong?

Well, all that to say, we are not professionals, but thank you very much for trusting us with your crises. We have intermedia crisis, you know? Yes. And I anticipate many more crises, but maybe that's just because I'm a pessimist. Am I a pessimist? We've been through some crazy ups and downs through our time through the last decade. Gosh, this summer and June will be a decade together, babe.

Some of these are light, though, too. Don't think that this is going to be like the darkest episode. Today we're talking about death. Here's the first one. And I actually pre-read this one, and I'm not sure where we should take this advice. But it says, my friend fully cheated on her fiancé at my bachelorette. And they went through with the marriage. Oh gosh. Do I say anything? Oh no. My first hang up there is I've never been to a bachelorette.

You got to say something. Oh yeah. What is that even like? I know. I've never been to a bachelor party like that. My was recent bachelorette I went to. We stayed at the Airbnb and painted pictures of her fiance. Like we all had like painted on a canvas. My first bachelor party experience was like my brother, my older brother got home from like a mission trip. And we didn't even, I don't even think we drank beer. Like I think I don't even know it was so tame. This girl's bachelorette seemed to be a little. little bit more crazy and her friend cheated and then they went through with the marriage so now we have to assume that they're already married hold up does her friend's spouse no because that's a huge because she said do i say anything oh gosh this is so bad that's definitely a true story i know this isn't helpful for you but this should maybe be advice for other people that find themselves in the

situation in the future the time to say something is before they're married 100% to your friend to encourage her to be honest with her fiance yeah i think i think you need to enter into an marriage with honesty. You don't go in with keeping secrets of cheating. No, I think that it, that would be considered a lie by omission. Like, by not telling him that is a lie and he's entering into a marriage on lies. Also, too, I'm thinking through this. Like, I've heard of couples where someone like cheated long ago early in the relationship and then it eventually came out. And then they get divorced. Yeah. So it's like, I think before you marry someone, if you did cheat on them, you need to tell them. Like that's, that's not, that's not something like, oh, I'll conveniently save that

for like after we get married. And then we'll be more stable. No. It's like you're building your foundation of you guys on life. I think that's going to hurt them even more. Like I think they would have more respect for you. Like it's going to come out at some point. So it's like they would have more respect for you just to say what you did rather than like

keep that a secret if that makes sense. I would say certainly do not say anything to her husband. Gosh. Say something to her. And if she doesn't say something then would you say something? I don't think so. I feel like that's not your mess. That's not your mess.

I would have a sit down conversation with your friend and be like you. A very serious conversation with your friends. You need to tell him. But gosh, if she's like, I'm not going to tell him. How bad it is that the bride cheated on the bachelor's. No, here's what I say. Like, if she's like, I'm not going to tell him, it's not, no, no, it's not the bride. Oh my gosh.

Got it. Some of the details got lost. It was a bridesmaid that cheated on her own fiancee. Got it. That makes sense. She's also engaged at the same time. I get it. It's confusing.

But say, for instance, that friends, like I am not going to tell him. then I think it's probably very fair of you to say, like, I can't be your friend anymore because this isn't something like I support. Like that's really crazy. Also, wow, that wasn't a very good friend move at your bachelorette. Yeah, it's your bachelorette. It's not her time to go hook up with guys that are not her fiance. Or at all, honestly. Yeah.

It's kind of your time to be with your girlfriend. Yeah. And you know, it really depends on the friend's in the friend group. What do you mean? I don't know. Some friend groups probably do that. Like, there's probably, we'd ever ran around with the friend group that was like, guess who I hooked up with last night?

That was never our lived experience. But I'm sure there are friend groups like that. Okay, next one. My significant other is struggling with confidence right now. I don't want to make him feel worse, but it's starting to give me the ick. Ooh. What can I do to keep our relationship strong while he's struggling to find his footing again? So I've been listening to How to Win Friends and Influence people,

and you're going to get nowhere if you just tell your boyfriend that you're disgusted. or that you're bothered by his lack of confidence. The only way you're going to get what you want is by using encouragement to encourage transformation. And I think it's way more effective and better for everyone to like lead with the carrot, not the stick. You don't want to be forcing them. Wait, wait, wait. We introduced carrots.

Do you know that term? Like, lead with the carrot, not the stick? No. Like, leading with the carrot is like basically using positive reinforcement. Leading with a stick is negative reinforcement. And I think positive reinforcement wins nine out of ten times. Okay, well, don't hit him with a stick. Basically, don't hit your boyfriend with a stick.

is what we're trying to say. Yeah, I think this is maybe hard to hear, but if your significant other struggling with confidence, your feelings are valid that that's like not, especially as a woman looking to her man, like that definitely isn't something that's like attractive. That's not an attractive quality. I think ultimately women are attracted to confidence. Yeah, yeah, true. And I've said that for a while.

I feel like the times you've been leased into me when I'm not confident myself. Hey. I was the honest answer. It's true. You literally just said it. Women are attracted to confidence. Yeah, okay, so that's a valid feeling that you're experiencing. We should say that.

But also, it's hard to take yourself out of that equation, but you kind of need to at this point, like, if he's, like, struggling, like, take yourself out and, like, your job is to build your partner up. And obviously, that doesn't all fall on you, but, like, you're both mutually supposed to be doing that. And so find a way to encourage, do things to build his confidence. Like, find things that he's doing that are boosting his confidence. What?

Just give him some action. Nothing makes me more confident than getting late. That can build a man's confidence. Yeah, it really does. No, but then also, I think resources too, like encourage, like, a mentor or, like, hanging out with your friends even, even resources. Like, there's podcasts. Wait, why is that, why is that the biggest confidence booster for me?

I don't know what. I know. It's worked for you in the past. Yeah, it does. It definitely helps. It's not going to solve the problem. I know. It solves all my problems, honestly. It doesn't solve it.

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Oh. How do we set a boundary when most of the time it's for work? She put work in quotes. That's tricky. I think you just need to create like a no phone time and I think you abide by that rule too. Maybe you can just come to them in a kind way, right? Like if you're going in with anger, if you're going in with all this frustration with

them, it's not going to, you're not going to get the result that you want. You're not going to get the change you want. But if you go in and be like, hey, I love you so much and I want to come. connect with you on a deeper level. And so I think it'd be good if maybe on your days off, we have, you know, no screens, no phones, time together. We can just talk. We can go on a walk. We can play cards. We can do whatever. And I just want it to be time to focus in our relationship because I care about you so much. And then now you just got what you wanted without creating a fight. I love how you said that using eye statements because I think that's really important going into

this. Instead of being like, you're always on your phone, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like instead of That automatically puts them on the defense. Totally. Whereas like, if you go in and you're like, I want to hang out with you. Like, I'm craving time with you. Yeah. I think that they'll be more responsive to that. Like, I've been listening to some Dave Ramsey and a quote that he said, which I don't

think he came up with this himself, but it's something along the lines of those convinced against their will are of the same opinions still. I thought that was like Thomas Jefferson. Yeah. Dave quoted some other dude. I don't, I forget who it was. Maybe he was a woman, you know. Or are the same opinion still.

Yeah, yeah. Like, so if you convince someone, like, you've got to do, have different phone usage and they're like, be grudgingly agreeing with you. And like, they're, they're going to have a grudge. Maybe lead by example too. Yeah. Yeah, this is becoming more of an issue. And that's why they created a product. I think it's called the brick. And I was literally telling Matt about this.

I don't fully understand it, but you like stick something on your phone and it like makes your phone like not have the fun qualities. Yeah. Like the addictive qualities like during the day. Like you can brick it on your day off. You could brick it during, like, the times that your kids are away. Brick it. Just brick it. And then Matt was like, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.

And I was like, no, I think that's kind of cool. I'm looking at my screen time right now because I'm actually so curious what it is. Okay. This isn't even fair because you've been playing so much Minecraft. Okay. And that's why you want to pull it up right now. Easy. Easy.

Easy. You're like, oh, my screen time should look great because I'm spending it all on the switch. Okay. I'm sorry. My brothers and I like to play Minecraft together. You've been playing independently, and that's why I had to set that boundary for you. Every once in a while I like to do a little Minecraft on my own. Okay, I have a farm going.

Since I've said to do it only with your brothers. I have a sheep farm, a cow farm, and carrots. There's carrots. Have you been doing it independently? I think I might have snuck in in the past week, maybe an hour or two of independent play. See, that was probably two to four hours. But here's the thing, babe, and I don't want to start an argument, but I think my screen time including Minecraft is lower than yours. Boom!

Sorry, that probably, that's not the way to see, I should have introduced that in a completely different way. I don't even think that's necessarily true. I wish I was funnier. Here's the thing. Like if I was funnier, if I could get you to laugh right now, I feel like you would just make, like, anytime we have a conflict, if I could just make you laugh, I think that would solve 99% of our problems. My brother, when my mom would get on my brother when we were kids, he would make my mom laugh and she would like forget she was mad. And I could never do it. Like I would say something stupid and my mom would get like extra mad at me.

Yeah. So I think maybe I need to take some comedy classes. Can I tell you my screen? I'm actually really sure. Go at my phone. So my screen time, this is from the past week. My daily average is six hours, 48 minutes, which that's actually, that's higher than I thought. But then I realized, oh, I work on my phone.

So Google on my phone and my computer. So Chrome is an hour and 36 minutes. This is like my daily average, I guess. And I think that's chat. ChbT messages is. Wait, you spend an hour on chat DBT. Oh, yeah. I'm talking to chat all day long.

Messages, I spend an hour and a half messaging people. I spend an hour and 20 minutes on FaceTime. and that's usually like with our editor reviewing TikToks going out, YouTube videos, podcast stuff. Screen sharing is an hour and six minutes of that FaceTime call amount. Is that an addition? Am I spending two hours and 26 minutes a day on FaceTime with our team? Actually, yeah, probably. But yeah, and then I spent an hour a day writing stuff in my notes folder.

So I spent an hour writing in my notes. Isn't that crazy? Or at least your notes just pulled up at least. Yeah, it's just like writing the stuff now. Matt, thank you for sharing that. You're welcome. I'm very proud of you. This next one is funny and I feel like it's personal.

Basically, my screen time is my working, I would say. Yeah, because you've been playing a lot of mine. Oh, that's true. Yeah, I do probably play an hour of Minecraft every day right now. Minimum. With my brothers. With my brothers. My spouse's farts smell so bad that I have to sleep in a different room.

What do I do? Oh, wow, that sounds severe. That's awful. If they're really staky, I mean, you might need to have some boundaries. you know what would you do if i if say i had a farting problem to me what would you do about let's say you have a hypothetical situation matt howard has a porning problem oh my god what i think i feel like for me for me there's certain times a day where i'm like a fart is acceptable and there's certain times where i'm like not acceptable see every time i fart in front of the

kids, they laugh so hard. And I love, like, it's actually making me want to fart more, if anything. It just, it gives them a little chuffer. But I don't like your, I don't like your early morning ones. I go, oh, it two did. And they both love it so much. And they're participating as well. And what's funny, babe, is I just did a brother's trip with my dad and my both my brothers.

Everybody was farting so much. It's genetic. It's from my dad and my both my brother's got it. I don't understand. I've heard all of the men in your family fart many times. And it is. Oh, scary. But I will say, if we're going to really go there, yours really don't tend to smell that bad. Except for in the car. I hate when you do it in the car.

There and there we go. They're not stinky. If they smell so bad that you have to sleep in a different room, I would say the goal is to sleep in the same room. So maybe... Did you know my dad installed a fart pad in his fart? I know. I know. I didn't think me is it. It's such a genetic thing. My dad literally put a pad underneath his seat or on his seat It can't work. To help absorb them. Every time I drive your dad's car, I don't like sitting on his fart pad.

I don't like that thing. I can't believe this is going public. Sorry, Dad. Hey, if we talked about it. No, he would be proud. He would be, he would talk about his fart pad on the podcast for sure. He would. I feel, yeah. We got to bring, should we bring my parents back?

Let me know in the comments if you guys would John and Teresa back. If you guys want John and Teresa come back on the pod, let us know. So what I would say is, gosh, okay, it seems really important that you find a way to eventually get back in the same room. So maybe suggest Bino. What is Bino? You take Bino and there will Bino gas.

That's an actual thing you can take for farts? You can get it from CBS, Walmart. You're pulling my leg right now. No. Bino? What type of name is Bino? It's the name of it. It's memorable.

Beno. How do you spell Bino? Then maybe try a nose plug for you because. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. It's real. B-E-A-N-O. Oh, just spelled like a bean.

I have a bean. I have a couple friends that take that. Maybe I just need to buy this for me and my dad and my brothers. That's why I always say take medicine. You're right. Honestly, I think it would be helpful. It's so crazy. We need to stop talking about this.

People don't want to hear about this anymore. I'll start taking Bino guys and then we won't have to talk about this anymore. That would be my advice. Okay. Okay, my husband is experiencing performance anxiety slash low libido now that I'm pregnant. Oh. Any advice? I would not take it personally.

Oh. Like if he's dealing with that, he could be. be depressed, depression, make sure leave you go down. But I could see how that would be hurtful, though, right? Am I right? Well, it seems like she is thinking, at least she believes that it's fully because that she's pregnant. Ah, okay.

So do you have any advice? Sorry, I just added B-No to our Amazon cart and I'm making, I'm purchasing B-No right now. I'm using the buy now feature. I feel like this is probably a common thing. There's just a like, it's like you're loving a whole new person. Like, it's different, especially the more the pregnancy progresses. things change in your sex life. I feel like people don't talk about that, but like things change.

They have to change. For some women, it makes them want to do it more. Some women, it makes them want to do it less. It's a hormone change. Yeah, so it's like you're dealing with new hormones. Your body's changing drastically. Things don't feel the same. And honestly, like maybe for him, he's just like getting used to this new version of you.

And I think, you know, letting him get used to that is fine. Obviously, I think it would be like crappy of him to say negative things about you. Like, that should never be the case. He should only be encouraging you and loving you through all that change. My suggestion would be to find new, fun ways to do it. Oh, find new ways to do it. Like what? So it feels separate.

Like, say whatever you do normally, like you do something totally different. Totally. When you're pregnant. Is that bad advice? No, that's good advice. Then it feels like, okay, we're not trying to do this. We're not trying to get to our sex life that we had before. Things are different now.

So let's do something different. And then it feels like you don't have that, like, expectation of what it's supposed to look like. Yeah, and new positions are fun too. Like, you don't, doing it doing something different. We're getting too into. I think you have to though. Like, the same positions are going to work. I mean, at least. Yeah. And then I can be maybe more exciting for him and like that might affect his libido. Yeah. Wait, that's actually really good advice. Like when it comes to intimacy, tell him you want to try out a new position with him. That'll get him excited. I think that would be fun. That's actually really good advice. I'm glad we were able to get there. Thank you. Yeah. You're

smart. You should be a therapist. Uh, nope. You'd be great. qualified you would be you should Abby you would you're so freaking smart you would get your degree you'd get all A's in the therapy classes come on come on now if you really want to be a therapist I have too many of my own problems if you wanted to be a therapist you would be an incredible therapist thank you honey my husband's job requires us to be a part five and a half days of the week gosh any date night suggestions for intentional connection I have one I was going to suggest that they sexed each other is that bad my gosh Matt you can't give only sex advice but that's like if they're away for six, they're almost away six days. I'm sure they're already doing that,

okay? They're probably already doing that. I think if you're like looking for intentional connection, it doesn't really matter exactly what you're doing if you're going to dinner, if you're going for a drive, if you're like, I'd say probably avoid screens at this point. Like if you're together only a day and a half out of the week, probably my best suggestion is not to watch something because that's not going to be intentional connection. There's decks of cards you can get that have like intentional conversation starters that sound so cheesy but I swear once you get to a good one that like sparks a conversation you won't be looking at the cards anymore even though like I think like we're together all the time I even like I like doing those I'll pull them up on my phone

I also think you have a unique opportunity to be like extremely intentional because you do only have a day and a half so and I think that the dates that I remember the most for us are the ones that are like the most planned out in the sense that like it's set apart from a regular date night than just like going out to eat. One time we went to like a painting class. Something that's like different from what you normally do is something you're going to remember more. Yeah. And it's not because you need to have like this big budget or do something crazy every time, but just something that's slightly different than tip than like normal. Our creative dates in college when your newlywoods were the funnest thing ever. Like on Valentine's Day, I walked in the door and you had like sprinkled hearts

all over our living room. You made a little you made like a fort out of our couch and some chairs and a blanket. I think you even like made a, yeah, we, that's a vlog that's on our YouTube channel, because I think you vlog that too. But that just made me feel so special. And it was an at home date. It was so cheap. You made pizza from scratch. Like, yeah, I think you can just like switch things up and like, like if you're on a basketball game one time. I made like a whole basketball themed date. Yeah. And if like if you're on a budget, like at home dates can be so much fun. Yes. But all that to say, make it separate from what you normally do if you want it to be like, it kind of just, jogs you out of the typical, and so it keeps it fresh and fun.

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For a limited time, NutriFle is offering a lot of. our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to NutraFold.com and enter promo code unplanned pod. That's Nutraful.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L-L-com promo code unplanned pod. My husband won't move from our home state because he doesn't want to leave his family. Help. That's so tough because I can totally see both sides of that. I guess this one is a little hard because it's like what's your motivation for wanting to move other than I have to just assume she just wants changed. I think it's important that you establish a time that you are going to move. Maybe your husband values his home state so much that you agree

that in the next decade, you only get two years away or something. Like, because I think like you can't just, I think it's wrong to completely ignore someone in that scenario because I can feel myself on the side of wanting to move. Like me moved out of Missouri to Hawaii, that was originally the idea that I suggested. And you agreed and you got excited too. But it wasn't like more so than you since I didn't grew up traveling, nearly as much as you grew up traveling, the idea of being like at the beach on an island was just the craziest, like, dream I could ever even imagine, especially after we visited there for a week and had like the time of our lives and I got to go surf and, you know, and we went on so many cool hikes. You know, I feel like I can't actually give advice on this

one because it's so nuanced. Like there's so many things to this. I feel like you should probably seek an individual like marriage counselor. I think you should go to, that's actually a great. Honestly, for all of these, like I think if this is a situation you're in, definitely go talk to an actual expert. You need somebody that really knows what they're doing. But yeah, I think I think that you can't just completely ignore either your feelings or his feelings. You can't just plainly choose someone's side. It's like something that I've appreciated is like Abby knows how much I loved living in Hawaii. So she's always like jokingly, but kind of seriously said like, hey, you know, maybe that's where we move to when we're empty nesters or whatever.

And like that makes me feel so good knowing that like she's. considering my wants, my desires. I think you just need to both do that for each other. I'm like, yes, Matt, 20 years from that. 20 years. My husband's love language is not physical touch, which makes me feel unattractive. Any advice? I don't even know what to say because I feel like that is my love language. You're kind of making some assumptions here is what it feels like. Yeah. It's like he's not touching me all the time, so he thinks I'm ugly.

I don't think that those two things naturally click together. Like your brother clearly loves your sister-in-law, but he's not a physical touch guy. He would never be like, oh, babe, come here. Don't fill in narratives where they're not there. You probably hate your guts. It's like what we're going to. No, that's what we're saying. He's like, he's probably loves you.

What is she? Wait. Wait. He's like messing with me. Okay. He stops messing with me. I know he doesn't like me. This is so funny.

I love that you're over here listening in. Hello. Everyone's way of showing affection is different. So I'm just saying like basically don't make that assumption. Yeah, I would say you can't take this one personally, has nothing to do with you. I think it's just he probably expresses his love in different ways. And if that's something that is a true issue for you, I think you should consider either talking about that openly through a mentor, through, you know, especially a therapist.

I don't know. I thought you could just tell your husband like, I like to cuddle more or like let's hold hands. Maybe it's that simple. Like maybe I'm making this way too complicated. Maybe it's just really that simple. Hey, I really want to express. I like, I would love to hold hands. Are these all husbands and wives? It's mainly husbands and wives. Yeah, I think you should just express that to him. Like, hey, it means a lot to me when we do this. And like when you, yeah, and I feel loved when we hold hands. Or we cuddle on the couch. I feel loved when we, or I feel loved when you and use it to encourage him. Like, find something they're doing right and encourage the crap out of that. Like maybe he's playing with your hair nonchalantly when you're on the couch together, but he's not like really. Well, it sounds like this guy doesn't do that. I don't know.

I'm just trying to think of like if there's any inkling of anything he's been right, praise the crap out of him for the things he's doing right. Because it's going to encourage me to do more of that. Yeah, but also like I think look internally, like if your husband is fully responsible for you feeling beautiful or not. Like obviously your spouse does play a big role in that. Yeah. But also like on yourself, just be like, okay, I know, like you can know in your heart that

he finds you attractive. He married you for heaven's sakes. Like he spends all this time with you ex. There's a lot of reasons you can think. Like, I don't need to assume that I'm unattractive. But I just do think you can have an easy open conversation. Like, I prefer that if we're walking together, like, let's hold hands. Yeah.

I would love to hug some more throughout the day. Like, I feel like you could have an open conversation. And I feel like any decent man would gladly try to accommodate that for you. 100%. Um, I've been with my boyfriend for six years and we live together. What will actually change when we get married? Honestly, not a lot. Really?

Like, am I wrong saying that? I don't know. We never lived together before we get married. changes as a legal document, but I think maybe in addition to that legal document, it's like this massive commitment that you both have formally taken. So it probably like probably more secure. I kind of laughed when you said it, but it is true. I don't think much will change when you get married. So get married. I wish that we would have gotten married sooner. Is that bad to say?

No. I feel like you said that before. I don't know. I think it could have been more fun. Like if I know this is like wild. People just said, I wish we would have gotten married later. I definitely think we should have gotten married this summer when we got engaged. Seriously. Like I think it would have made my life better. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.

And then we would have been one more year married at this point. I love my college roommates, but like I would totally take a year with you over a year with them. Is that bad to say? I love you, Garrett and Brendan. You just heard their feelings. I love my wife more. Your day to day life won't change. But overall, like, it is a big significant life change.

But since you are already living. that big change has probably already happened for the most part my partner and I have been trying to decide to have baby number two but we aren't financially stable should we hold off yeah I would oh I think if you're already pregnant or if you get pregnant by surprise I think it's gonna be okay I think you'll figure it out I think it's just because you don't really have an option at that point it forces your hand but I think if you're trying to decide maybe take six to 12 months to like really hustle like both of you maybe it's taking on a second job Maybe it's doing a side hustle that, you know, like finding a way that you can create a nest egg for

that rainy day because a rainy day will come. I'm a nerd. I went to school for finance before I dropped out to make TikToks. So I just think that it's smarter to wait until you have some sort of safety net. Can I be a devil's advocate? Go for it. Okay. So you have kids in the house for 18 years, on average. For context, though, we did wait until we were financially stable to have kids. Yes, we did. But let me say this too. Yeah. If we would have gotten pregnant. it, it would have been fine. True. And I think family planning, like having, like, I value having a family and starting a family

so much that I almost place it above the financials in a way. No way. Where it's like, okay. Depends on, oh yeah. It depends on the financial situation. Okay, so if you're 40 years old and times running out to have a kid, have the kid. If finances are tough, you'll figure it out. Yeah, there's a time and a place to put that above the financial situation.

But if you're 22 and just married or like, let's, let's, say 25, that's more of typical age. You got another 15 years of, like, of time. So maybe take a year to get your finances on track. Something else I would say, though, is that like, okay, what I was saying is you're a parent for 18, you have kids in the house for 18 years per child. You know what I mean? Your financial stability is not guaranteed if you're financially stable when you have a kid, 16 years from then. You're not, you're not guaranteed. True. True. But if you follow Dave Ramsey's baby steps, which I like, I'm kind of, I'm low-key kind of like a closet of Dave Ramsey. fan.

Like, I was actually so... You're not closeted at all. I was so excited to meet him when we met him because I like, I read his book when my house when we were in college. I feel like you're pretty open about that. Okay, whatever. I love, I love Dave. He's a great, great advice.

Yeah, okay, I would say maybe wait, give it max 12 months and be really, really, really, like, discipline. Why max 12 months? I was thinking minimum 12 months. I think that's crazy to think a minimum of pushing it off a year. I think that's crazy. Really? I would say be very, very, very disciplined.

for a short amount of time. Like a year? Yes. Okay. But very disciplined to expedite that process as much as possible. And it's going to be a hard year, but I think you'll feel, think about the feeling that you will have in a year when you have that nest egg, that emergency fund. Yeah, that will provide a lot of peace.

A lot of peace. And then you're not using debt to pay your bills. You're not using, you're not going to debt. I think that's really good advice. Because debt is going to stress you out. It's going to take off years of your life. Like, you don't need that in your life. My best advice, though, would be to be very rigorous.

for a short amount of time rather than just like we'll be kind of disciplined and then put like for a longer amount of time but like be be rigorous and brutal for a short amount of time if you're like trying to like go for baby number two seriously though this is what's holding you back and it's not it's not a big deal that you haven't read it but i think every couple that is gay married should read total money makeover by david david davy or a similar financial book some sort of like personal finance book needs to be read by couples making a like a long-term I feel like you should probably do a Ramsey one because it's just the most black and white. Yeah, I think Dave Ramsey even says this in his book.

It's like it's just it's your grandma's advice. Like he didn't reinvent all this stuff. It's not something that he came up with. Like it's pretty simple advice that people look over because in today's capitalist economy, we are marketed and sold so much to get us to spend more to make the hyper wealthy, rich people even richer. Like people just fall into these traps. and the poor get poorer and the rich get richer. So it's like read a book about personal finance and it will change your life.

That's good advice. Yeah, Matt probably has good advice. I just like also think a baby is a bigger decision. Yeah, but if you're 25 and you wait until you're 26 out of the baby, I think there's other factors that influence it. Okay, this one is really tough. My mother-in-law smokes and my husband and I are struggling on how to communicate with her that we absolutely do not want smoking around the kids. Thoughts.

I would just tell her. But, you know, tell her in a way that's not offensive to her. Make sure that she knows that you guys love her. Make sure she knows that, you know, you want to be around her and you want to spend a lot of time with her. You can play one of yourself. You can say, hey, I'm just very worried about our kids' health and then being exposed to things like drinking, smoking. And I just would really appreciate it if just around the kids, you don't do that. Yeah.

It's not a big ask. No, but I think it might be. Because think about it. If this guy was raised, okay, it says my mother-in-law. So I'm guessing this is a wife. I'm assuming that this is a wife writing in. And so say that her husband has this conversation with his mom and say she was also a smoker when she was raising him. It's kind of like saying the way you raised me.

I also don't. You know, it's heavier than that. You know what I mean? But I do think you're right to not want that around your kid. Obviously, we know secondhand smoke now has a very direct impact on. Because you can make the, that is a very direct impact on your kid being around them. I think you had really good advice of saying like we want our ultimate goal is that our kid is with you a lot. Like we love you and we want our kid to have a really good relationship with you.

I think a line that I like to use a lot is like my number one job is to keep our kids safe. And using eye statements when you're talking about everything. Talk about yourself. Don't like don't go in saying you, you, you, you, you, say I, I, I, I, I, I. I'm assuming that parent to parent, hopefully she can understand like your number one job is to keep your kid safe. and there are direct risks with secondhand smoke. And so if you just sit down and have that like hard conversation. And I think you should also like preface it.

Like don't just randomly say this one day like when you're picking your kid up. Like that's not the time to say it. The time to say it is like, hey, can we hop on a phone call? And not when you have like a time for your kid that's like your kid's about to be dropped off at their house. Like that's not the time to do it. Do it like, you know, at a gap in between. It's like, hey, can we hop on a call? I kind of have something that I want to make sure I say it right.

So I want to say it over the phone. just so she knows already she comes prepared and she's not blindsided and gets defensive. She already knows that something a little bit more sensitive is going to be talked about. And then I think that that would also just like prepare her to go in like with like, I don't know, some maturity into the conversation. And then yeah, I think that's also a conversation probably for your, certainly for your husband to have, not for you to have with your mother. Yeah, that's a rule that we go by. So if there's ever anything that we need to communicate to Abby's parents or my parents, whoever's kid it is is the person that talks to them. Don't miss Jay Shetty's new

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and never in the mood. She did with a lot of o's. I'm just so tired and I want to doomscroll and relax any advice. What I would say is doom scrolling is not relaxing you for one. Like we can look to research and know that that's not making you feel relaxed. If you feel the need to relax and like kind of like decompressed after a really heavy mentally draining job do that take that time but make it make it intentional so then you can show up then and your marriage and your family in your household like actually refreshed and it might also affect your mood with a lot of

you know what i mean so like i would say maybe that's just sitting in your car take a bath or shower together that's a great advice take a bath together just talk i love talking with you in the shower maybe she needs to be alone too maybe take a bath by yourself dang it we were doing so we took baths and showers together for so many days in a row and then we got in a bad habit of not doing that what happened what a bad habit why do we do that maybe she needs to be alone though i seriously felt so much more connected to you it's like we just had the most candid fun conversations and we both have no clothes on that's a that is good advice but maybe you also need to take a bath by yourself maybe you just need to sit in your car and there's important time drink a fun drink by yourself and listen to music but like don't sit there and

scrolls then you can like actually take a deep breath and then you know show up different differently, go on a walk, breathe some fresh air, do a couple things that, like, they don't even have to be long. Take five to ten minutes to yourself or say like maybe one day is particularly hard. You're like, I need like a good 30 minutes. I need an hour. I need to like go get my favorite drink and just listen to a podcast in the car. But I think that if you take that time intentionally and also set a limit on it and then check in like, do I need a little extra time or do I feel better now? Like that will help you. And so the evening doesn't just get away from you and you're not just like scrolling into oblivion and then your evening just seems to be like used

unintentionally. Recently for me that's been going on runs, you're really good at doing that. You either take a bath or you journal. I'm not good at running. Let's just put that out there. No, you're really good at taking baths and journaling. Oh, yeah, thank you. Whenever you're stressed.

Yeah. I think that's a really healthy thing to do. Thank you. That's really nice. My high school sweetheart and I have been dating for five years and I want to get married at 23. He wants to wait until we're closer to 30. I told him we can compromise, but we just can't seem to agree. Yeah, I think you need to compromise.

I think, like, if you're ready now and he's not till he's 30, like, it's wrong for you just to say, we're doing it now or it's never. Like, I think that would be aggressive, but I think it'd be aggressive to just be like, all right, I have to wait on him to least 30. I think you guys need to figure it out. I don't know. They've been to there for five years. I think you give him an ultimatum.

Yeah, you just said don't be aggressive. It's now or it's never. No, but like now as in like we need to go do a courthouse wedding. Like, maybe it's the ultimate. what she's saying it's like she literally wants to just at least get engaged it might be it might be an ultimatum of like hey if i'm not engaged within the next year year and a half like i'm moving on and i and i love you and i want this to work but like i have enough respect for myself and i know that i want to be married that like if you can't figure out yourself in the next 18 months

i'm going to have to move on and it's not personal it's just does feel a little wrong that he wants to wait because then that's best putting you at 12 years of dating and look like we We've talked to Arthur Brooks, an expert. That is 12 years of dating. Arthur Brooks is a Harvard professor and expert that we had on the podcast. And he talked about how when you're, you know, was it, was it him or somebody else that talked about how your brain isn't fully developed until you're 25?

So the marriages that happen at 25 and later are highly. I think he was the one that said that. Yeah. 25 and later that age for getting married, you're less likely to divorce. I know, but I think that doesn't, I think there's something that happens if you date for like a really extended amount of time. Yeah. So give me 18 months.

I consider five years is like already pretty long. Say 18 months. I would say here's let's have grace for this guy. Maybe he had a really poor example of marriage growing up. And so he's like, I don't want to get married until like X, Y, Z because for him, marriage looked like constant conflict. It looked like resent. Like, I don't know.

It could look like a, or divorce. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it could look a lot of different ways. But also he is responsible for, you know, kind of rewriting. This is what marriage can look like for us. And so, yeah, I do think an ultimatum is kind of fair. I wouldn't say normally like if you're like I'm 23 and I want to get married but like you have been dating for five years. So that kind of makes it a little different. I would definitely find married couple friends if you can to be friends with and that could probably ease some of his concerns and like fears. Yeah. I think when I was like worried about having kids but we were living in Hawaii and around a lot of young families that just went to the beach with their families all day. They got me so excited. I was like I can't wait to take my kids to the beach and just like.

Like, you know, it made fatherhood seem so fun. That's sweet. Yeah, I do think you should surround yourself with other married people, which can be hard when you're young, but it is possible. That would also probably help. But I do think it's fair to have a really serious conversation about that if it's something that you want. My fiance has been unemployed for two months now and we're supposed to get married in

August. Should we postpone the wedding? I don't think so. I don't unless there's financial concerns that are more than just that. I think job loss is something that happens. I mean, I guess a question I would ask is, are you paying for the wedding? Because if you're the ones paying for the wedding and it's not like your parents or one of your parents, then maybe that's going to really affect things financially for you.

And maybe you make some changes to where the wedding isn't as expensive if it's coming out of your pocket, right? Well, I have some deeper questions. Yeah, go for it. Are you wondering if you should postpone the wedding because you're purely singularly worried about funding the wedding itself? Or are you noticing something in? in your partner that is kind of a red flag for like the future of your life together.

Meaning like did he lose his job because he was not on time all the time and he wasn't doing his job well because he was being lazy or he was there was other concerns there. And is in this time that he's unemployed is he being very diligent and hardworking about finding it or was it like something that's like, oh, he lost his job just because the job made cuts and he's having a hard time like finding something but he's applying constantly. he works really hard or is it more of like you're just noticing some concerns in your person that you're going to be married to? That's the first question I would ask is why did he lose the job? I think that makes a huge difference. It happens a lot. It does happen a lot but if he lost the job

because of something like that that is not good for his moral character. Like if it's about if he lost his job because of his moral character, oh yeah. Maybe it's maybe you really do reconsider, you know, this wedding, right? The only thing that bothers me in our marriage is that he's not romantic enough. Any advice? Well, I'm pretty romantic, so you could probably give people some tips. I will say that. I would say you are pretty romantic.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, you're a pretty romantic guy. What do I do this romantic? But I will say like... What do I do? Why am I so romantic to you? You're very affectionate with your words. So I would say that like is romantic.

Like you're very affectionate with your words. Actually, Abby heard us talking the other day. She overheard you. I was like boiling water and you're like something about like, you're as hot as this water something like so stupid and then she just started laughing you're like oh you heard that like just like I remember I did yeah yeah I said it was kind of goofy stuff all the time that's like yeah I said it was kind of goofy stuff like yeah I'm like yeah I said it was like boy it's like so hot like or something I don't know what you said but it was something kind of silly it was kind of stupid and silly and then I like turn it back on you I guess we'll consider that romantic I'm like you super hot but it was like funnier than that like it was not that way it was only funny that because she over heard it. Yeah, she overheard it. Well, she did laugh. She did laugh at me. Maybe she

purely felt uncomfortable, but you never know. But I come from a family where my dad was not romantic. I feel like my brother is also not romantic. And you know what? Something I never questioned was the love that they have for their wives. So I think that maybe we need to also have a broader look, especially since you're already married. Like this is one thing that is like in dating. And if this is like just a superficial preference you have, then yeah, you're allowed to have that preference. And marriage, I think we can have a broader view of like, okay, yes, he doesn't do X, Y, or Z, but I know that this man is like fiercely loyal. He will literally go fight a bear for me. Like he loves me.

He will like go to the ends of the earth for me. And I think that in itself is romantic. So we can have a different view of romance. Did we get the question? What was the question again? That's the only thing that bothers me in our marriage is that he's not romantic enough. Any advice? That's the only thing.

That's the only thing. He's probably an amazing guy. He probably worships the ground that you walk on, sis. I don't know if that's true. But just saying, like, I think we can look at romance in a broader term. And I think you have to do that anyway in marriage because dating is obviously, that's the wooing stage. And obviously, some of that should carry into marriage. But some of that is going to look different.

I mean, when you just think about the sheer amount of years that you're going to be married, like, keep it alive, but it's going to look different. And I think that we should just point out the other things. It's like, oh, yeah, that's just him. I feel like that's the thing I hear the most of couples that have been married a long time. They have just, like, accepted, like, that's just them. And you learn to really, like, love those, like, quirks and weird things. 100%.

Some of the things I say about you and other, I'm like, I'm just not going to die on that hill. Like what? What hill is there to die on? There's a couple hills you've got. What hills? Like you... My chewing. My constant farting.

Yeah. Well, I die on the chewing hill. My ADHD getting the best of me and I get so distracted. Well, you're like, I would say, like, your impulsive thoughts, like, that you share. vocally, I'm not going to die on that hill of being like, that's not true. Stop saying that. We're not going to do that. Like, I don't want to constantly do that. So I'm just like, yeah. We're going to go to Japan for a month next week. I want to. So exactly. That's what I'm saying. I'm not going to die on that hill of being like that's not true.

Like, I'm not going to do that. Isn't that life so much better if you do spontaneous stuff like that? It is, Matt. Okay. How do my partner and I make trying to get pregnant into something fun and not a chore slash checklist item? Position cards. Those were fun. You got me those for Christmas, I think, a year ago. Did we already talk about that in this episode? Well, I think, did we, did you bring up the position cards earlier? No, I didn't.

I was talking about just doing something different in the bedroom. Oh, different, different stuff. It doesn't have to be a position. It could just be the foreplay. Wow. I'm sorry. Why am I the only one laughing? Think about, because I'm uncomfortable.

Okay, I'm sorry. Why do I not relate to that question literally at all? What are you mean? That's like the most magical, like you're making a kid together. that's the coolest thing you could possibly do in the world. There's a lot of, there's a lot of history though that couples could have. Say they've been doing this for like 12 months.

It's not. It loses its. Yeah. Yeah. It was. It was scared. Yeah. Yeah.

Say you've experienced loss. Can we say that we've tried for, tried? Because like, because that is scary. Like trying can be really scary. Trying can be really scary. Yeah.

And it can be really complicated. And it can be really like, it can be really heavy. Yeah. So I can see. Definitely if they've been through a miscarriage, I can see where that would be scary. Yeah.

as exciting and fun. Yes. And so I would say like intentionally look for those days and then plan something fun and different. I think that was the same advice I gave before. But like I think it's really easy to get into a pattern especially in the bedroom. Like I feel like that can also be a really cool opportunity to just shake things up a little bit and do something different. And maybe you just like laugh the whole time. You're like yeah, I kind of like, you know, the good old fashion, whatever we do. You know what I mean? But it's like it is just something that just adds a certain levity to like something that could be heavy, make it fun, make it different. And then also like on those days, maybe that's not the thing that's like the most exciting part of your day.

Maybe that's like the thing that you do. And then it's like, okay, but then afterwards we're going to order our favorite takeout and we're going to watch our favorite show and we're going to eat our favorite ice cream afterwards. Yeah. Like there can be something else, another element of that day that you really, really look forward to. And don't put all that pressure on. I know it's hard, but like don't put all this pressure on like that. being the epitome of like romance for your day because maybe it's not maybe we don't maybe you don't get that privilege of like this experience being like the lightest most magical movie moment maybe that's

not the case for you and so it's like let's find something else fun that we that is fully within our control because getting pregnant or not keeping the pregnancy or not is unfortunately out of our control and so like let's do something within our control that is like also fun and exciting for that day that we can look forward to this episode is brought to you by square the business platform that helps sellers become neighborhood favorites. Whether you're gearing up for a busy season or just trying to keep up with everyday demand, Square keeps your business running smoothly from payment and POS to online orders, inventory, staff, and more, all in one place so you can focus on your customers, not your to-do list. What I love specifically about Square is that it allows you to have the kind

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Square now offers three clear plans, free, plus, and premium. So you can pick the tools you need and grow into more when you're ready. Square helps you run your business smoothly, bringing payments, operations, and insights together in one place. So you're ready for whatever's next. Right now, listeners can get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com slash go slash unplanned. That's SQ-U-A-R-E dot com slash go slash unplanned. Get started with Square and build a setup that works the way you do. What are your thoughts about people getting back into a relationship after they've been broken up? Totally depends on the situation. Yeah. I think you can look at someone's relationship and if

someone's been doing bad things over and over and over again, probably not a good idea to get back with them. Like if that habit is not something that's actually shown change, they're not a different person. but if they are actually a different person, then it's a completely different story. Right? Yeah. I think you should look for a couple things. Look for, first of all, honestly evaluate.

Was this the only reason that we broke up, this one reason? Okay, if there's one reason, you can say like this is the reason, what is totally different now? Or how are we going to go about this relationship differently now? And I think you need to start that relationship from ground zero. As hard as it is,

I think it'd be really easy to just try to pick up where you left off and take off, it's over. You guys broke up. It's like we're starting over and what's going to be different this time and I think you're allowed to be very particular about like these things, this was a non-negotiable for me in the past.

It's still a non-negotiable for me. Yeah. This is what we need to do differently. And I think that needs to be very over. And you know what? I used to think like, okay, if you broke up, you broke up for a reason, don't do it again.

That's just because that wasn't a part of our story but I know a lot of people that are successfully married and have very happy families and marriages. 100%. And that is a part of their story. came close to breaking up when we dated too. I want to say there was like a time or two where you were considering breaking up with me or I was considering breaking up with you. It's common, guys. Like in relationships, if one or both of you has fundamentally changed as a person, why wouldn't

you try it again? If, you know, the other 99% of them is great and a great match for you. Like, why are you getting held up on the 1%? Something else I was going to say, though, no, but I think it should be very critical. I think most relationships should not get back together. Let me just put that out there. I would agree with that. I would agree with that. too. I think this is a rare circumstance where it's like, okay, yeah, we can, we can try this again. Yeah. But also, if you have trusted friends that were like also knew your boyfriend or girlfriend really well, I think this is a great time to invite them into the conversation. I also find it so interesting how with relationships you can find couples that like got married at 18, dated for two weeks

and, you know, got married and then they live happily ever after and they have a great marriage, all this. And then you have couples that like got married after 25, waited something. marriage, dated for two years. They followed all the different like steps. They did the science back approach. They went to counseling. And then they break up. They divorce. Like, it's always so fascinating to me. So I don't think. I think a lot of that boils down to like, are you going to work on it? How committed are you both? How did you deal with waiting for marriage? I'm three years into dating and it's getting very difficult. Well, we got married after three years. Yeah. I think that's too long in my opinion. Like, I think if you've been with someone for three years, it's torture to not be intimate with

them, you know? Seriously, like, the people that, like, it's, like, respect to people that wait till marriage, but if you're going to wait till marriage, but you're going to date for eight years, like, that is putting an undue burden on you and your partner. Like, you're not, your, your body is not designed. I think three years should be the max. There's, yeah, there's, like, your DNA is literally telling you to procreate with this person. Yeah. Like, I don't know. I think that's just, like, torture. That's like putting yourself in front of a juicy steak while you're starving and saying don't eat it or like a cupcake like you put you put some fresh baked cookies in front of me I'm going to eat all 24 you've always got the analogies you've always got analogies I love analogies

I was going to say it's an admirable thing to like want to take on and you're dating and your preparation for marriage but I do think you should have a close end date to that because it's not meant to stay like that for very long yeah and I think too if you like you know quote unquote slip up and you got handsy a time or two like don't kick yourself too hard like it's it's hard Yeah, because it's a good desire to have. There's, yeah, it's like that desire that you have is like, it shows that your body's working. It shows that your emotions are working. It shows that this person that you're with, someone that you want to be working.

Now, because you're a, like, a person with a developed brain and you're different than an animal, like you being able to show restraint, show restraint, shows, like, shows, you know, that you got, you got a working prefrontal cortex, but it's like, it's, it's not easy, you know? We don't need to do that for extended extended amount of time. a burden on yourself. Yeah, don't like, and that's why I especially feel bad when someone like starts dating their person at 15 and then they're like 19 and they've been together for, you know, gosh, four years at that point. What would you say to that couple that's been that's been dating since they're 15 and now they're 19. Would you just tell them to get married? Yes, you're right. I guess if they've already spent four years together. Yeah, you're probably right. We got engaged at 19.

Gosh, 19 seems so young. But yeah, I guess I would say get married. Yeah. I'm three months postpartum and feeling a hint of postpartum depression. My partner and I are feeling like roommates slash besties instead of lovers. Any advice? I want to tell you this is like literally so normal. This is so normal. You are in the thick of it at three months postpartum, even though it feels like you're like, okay, I should be a little bit more back to it. Like maybe my baby's sleeping longer stretches. Maybe I feel physically like I feel better. My body's certainly not the same. But like I just need you to know that it is so normal. I know so many women go through. I gosh, I got, I dare to I don't know a single woman that didn't go through a quote unquote identity crisis.

Yeah. After at least having your first baby, but I feel like it happens every time where you're kind of like, okay, whoa, I feel like a totally different person. I remember looking in the mirror being like, I do not know myself. Like I don't recognize myself in so many different ways. I don't want to do the same things I wanted to do in the past. I don't know anything other than like feeding and changing diapers and trying to get this baby to sleep and calm down and take napsic.

I don't know anything other than that. that. That's biological. That's going to happen and it's good that it's happening because that means that you are doing the things that you are supposed to do to keep your baby alive. Yeah. But you should also know, like you said, it is a season. You're going to get out of this. And I think it's honestly really cute and it's like showing me some hope for you guys, some serious hope because you said roommates slash besties. And I think it's really sweet that like that stage could look like, okay, we certainly don't have the romance that we maybe like thought we had, but like we're still besties. We're still a team. We're doing this together. Yeah. And you're getting so close to

getting through that. And I think just, just know that that this is just a season. It's a very hard season. I mean, you're both depressed. You're both sleep deprived. You're both depressed. What an assumption. It happens all the time. We're both, both the mom and the dad get depressed. But it's very hard. And so give yourself some grace. Just know that this is literally a season. You're in the middle of winter right now and know that summer's coming and you're going to get through it. Yeah, and I think that you'll learn to look back really fondly on this time, too. Yes, you'll say that, yes, it was hard, but like, what a cool, fun time and, like, you'll miss it. Don't make any big decisions.

I think this should be no, like, no one should make any big decisions in the first, at least six months postpartum. Because every- I would say a year. It's like you took a snow globe and you shook it all up. You got to wait for those snowflakes to fall. Seriously, I think if you're like, I'm sure someone listening right now that's like, I literally hate my partner's guts. want to get a divorce and it's like hey give yourself like seriously i know 12 months sounds like so long but like go to therapy think it through meditate on it journal about it i'm not even talking about divorce but just no big decisions in general should be made i've seen the amount of ticot i've seen

from people that were like didn't make it past the newborn stage or didn't path i've seen so many ticotks a lot of a lot of young moms that just like and i'm i'm sure their partner was a jerk i'm sure but i'm sure they're not without fault too so it's a big transition it's really hard and i think it makes me sad every time I see those videos. Oh, I didn't know that that's really sad. Yeah, I think just, I think nine out of ten times you're going to feel like so much more of a human again after a certain amount of time. You'll feel so much more like stable and grounded and adjusted to this new life.

There's still adjustments that you have to make. But the headspace I was in three months postpartum versus 12 months postpartum is like night and day. And I think we should prepare moms for that because, Like maybe that's not the case and that you just like seamlessly transition. That's amazing and great. But I would say more often than not, it is a difficult to transition, especially after you've had your first kid. Like zero to one kids is like you're making a lot of big changes.

And I think we should have grace for that, like an abundance of grace. Totally. That's our last question. Guys, thank you again for tuning in to this week's episode. I don't know if we gave good advice. If we gave bad advice, can you review some of it in the comments and just say like, Hey, you know what? I actually got back with my ex and this is what I didn't do and this is why I didn't work.

I don't know. Let us know what you guys think of this type of episode in the comments because we haven't done something like this in a very long time. I also think it'd be fun to have people call in to actually hear their voices to hear. Hey, that's my thing. We can't do that here? No. That's Dave Ramsey's thing.

That's John Loney's thing. That's every radio host thing. You guys didn't come up with that. That's what Dax Shepherd does on his show too, I think. I didn't even know that. Yeah, a lot of shows do that. Well, you know what? I obviously didn't create it, but gosh, they can call in to Always here. If they have any questions. You guys want to call in, call into Always Here.

No, thank you for trusting us with your crises. It's really so sweet that you guys wrote in and trust us with that. And obviously, take it as entertainment purely because we are not experts. There are many people that are experts that do this. And I think that they're the people to go to. We are just here. We're just here to gab. You know what I mean? Just here to talk it out. Two ladies talking it out. No, I think it's really cool that it's a man and a woman. Thank you. A man and a woman. Talking these things out.

Also, huge shout out to everyone that has left us a review on Apple podcast. That means the world. I was actually going to read one from one of you guys right now. This is from Chloe underscore 2028. The unplanned podcast is a refreshing and honest look into life relationships and unexpected adventures. This podcast is amazing whether they're talking about marriage, parenting, faith, or personal growth.

They keep things authentic and relatable. It's the kind of podcast that makes you love. laugh, think, and sometimes even tear up. And it never fails to leave you feeling encouraged. Keep being awesome. Thank you so much. That's so sweet. So once again, just remember to like, subscribe, rate, review, all the things.

I'm genuinely, like, so grateful that this is what we get to do. And we're on year three of this thing. Yeah. Wait, we're on year four. We've done it for three years. Holy crap. That's crazy to think about. Also, please follow the unplanned podcast on Instagram.

And so the next time we do an episode like this, if you guys enjoy it, you can also participate. We're so grateful for those of you that wrote in. And it'd be fun to hear from you if you didn't write in. Guys, thank you so much again for tuning in to this episode of Unplanned. We'll see you the next one. Peace out, dudes.