The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby - Parenting through grief, career vs. motherhood, and raising confident kids - with the Abbys

Episode Date: January 9, 2026

The Abbys talk parenting through grief, the Kelsea Ballerini song that makes them cry, and what it brings up about family and regret. They share why they’re grateful they started their families young, discuss the pros and cons of young marriage, and explain how modeling pride in your work helps raise confident kids. Leave your voicemail: (602) 456 - 9690 Chapters: 02:19 - The Hope & The Hard 08:18 - WOW, That's Crazy! 12:55 - Kelsea Ballerini Deep Dive 26:05 - Starting a family in our early 20's 34:44 - The cons of getting married young 52:05 - Ask Abbys Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I'm not showing up at all from my kids because I'm just so wrapped up in my own grief. There's this narrative to women that being a mother is such a burden and like children are chains. I felt that in the past. This is probably going to get cut. But when I was thinking about pros and cons, getting married. This is anew. Found how I was pregnant. My business was failing.

And I was like, dang, this is just not at all what I pictured my life to be like. It would take a long time for newlyweds to catch us. You'll never catch those. Oh, my God. Always here to share the hope and the heart with heart and humor. Welcome back to Always Here with Abby and Abby. Is that how we're going to do it? I like that.

Okay. I feel like this week has been crazy with the launch and the announcement and everything. I know. It's a big week. I'm really excited about it. And we just want to say thank you also so much for all the excitement about it. You guys spoke. We listened.

And it's been so fun. I literally think about this. like all the time I'm like the fact that we get to call this working but it's just hanging out with your sisters and just like having fun like what a blessing this is I saw a comment that said that they're like how fun is it that you guys get to just work and spend time together I'm like that's so true that's how I feel I feel like the buildup to the announcement in the first episode was so much work like anticipation figuring everything out like we were super intentional and serious about things and I felt this pressure and like nerves and now that

then we announced it and then doing the first episode, I was like, okay. So hopefully it just feels like, oh, like this breath has been released. I'm ready to get into a rhythm with it. Same. And like also just connect with our like community more. Like right now it just feels like this ambiguous like thing. But now as we like start to build the community and like people are listening to it, it just makes it so much more rewarding and fun. Totally. I was, I'm logged into the always here email and I've been getting the emails about all the voicemails coming through. And I'm like, oh my gosh, there's so many that come through really yes I'm excited I'm excited too does that go to your phone Addy no I just have it on my email oh okay I was gonna say I have it sorry it goes straight to

voicemail so they don't have to wait through like smart tones of it and then they get your little jingle smart really quick I wanted to hop in here to just say we produce this podcast for free to you guys so I think it would just be a very kind gesture if you took the time right now five seconds to just hit follow subscribe heart like it basically just just show whatever platform you're on that you enjoy our show and yet you intend to come back. We would really, really appreciate that. And yeah, here's your five seconds. One, two, three, four, five.

Okay, that's all. Thank you. Thank you so, so much. We really, really appreciate it. And thank you in advance. Let's get back to the show. Yeah, I think we like to start off every episode a little bit, like just kind of saying what this is for, but our motto is to share the hope and the hard with heart and humor.

And, yeah, it'd be fun to share like a little. bit of hope and a little bit of something that isn't as fun maybe that we're dealing with in life and so I have a hope which I kind of feel bad saying actually I had like I had two little versions of me on my shoulder when I was thinking of mine this morning I was like it's not nice because I have two sister-in-laws with little babies that probably aren't sleeping but oh no she's sleeping like a princess I hope is that in a season where I'm sleeping really good And I feel guilty saying that guys. But maybe you can look at as a hope to your future.

I hope that you're sleeping well. For our sake, you should be sleeping. We hope that. We can't. We're not sleeping. We're not sleeping. That was actually my hard. Really.

I'm so sorry. We're on the same way. I hate that. I think the reason this feels so rewarding though is like knowing like where I've been. Like where. Oh yeah. And it's funny just because like the nature of my children, but it's like my oldest one is always the one that's going to be. And he's surely in our room sleeping with us.

But at least we're sleeping. But at least you're sleeping. I just hear the door creak because we have his light set to turn a different color. So he was like several light cues that happen in his room. But it turns blue after 1130. So we can have like alone time. And don't have to go to bed at like 7 o'clock when he goes to bed.

Yeah. But usually he wakes up somewhere like around 1 o'clock. And I just hear a little our door squeak. He doesn't even say anything. He just scampers into his little mattress on the ground and goes right back to sleep. but because he's with us he sleeps so late because he's just like I'm just in mom and dad's room sometimes he's away just like laying there and then Augie is sleeping in because Griffin's not waking him up wow so Griffin woke up at 920 on Saturday morning did you think you were you like are you

okay I didn't think he was in there anymore I thought Matt had gotten up with him and I was just like oh what are you doing he was asleep I was like oh I I I all just laid there awake but so I feel bad saying that but maybe you guys can look to your future. Yeah, no. I mean, I feel like with the newborn stage, it changes so often. This age is a hard one. Yeah, I don't get that sad about it. Because at this point, Vivian's three months, she's trying to roll.

And so the sleep has been really bad. They sleep so much better when they can get on their bellies. Yes, they do. Breel, when she gets on her belly, she cries. She's like, get me back over. She sleeps on her side, though. Kind of weird. That's cute.

No, it's cute. Yeah. So I feel like when they go through those transition or milestone transition you just don't sleep very well. So I know it's, I know it's going to be short. Three, four, and five. Those months are like pretty tricky. Yeah.

So we'll get through it. Yeah, we'll get through it. But that was my hard was that the sleep the last couple days hasn't been the best. And I feel like this postpartum, I'm coming out of a lot of the like hard things. And it's been feeling really good, but the brain fog has settled in. And I just cannot. Like during the day, it's not that bad. But in the evenings, when I start to get tired, my thoughts do not form into sentences.

And I cannot think of words. And I'll look at Caleb and I'm like, uh, what is that thing that I'm trying? And I'll like explain it and he'll have to tell me what I'm trying to say. So that has been a little, that's just been really hard. That's frustrating. Heavy this week. And maybe just because it's been such a busy week with holidays and like the new year and everything. But yeah.

My brain is not working. That's tough. Yeah. But we'll get, you know, we'll get through it. It's just a short, short to see his head. My heart was not that serious, but I just genuinely. hate the month of January. And now that we're in it, I'm like, I don't know what it is. I just have a really hard time, like, transitioning out of the month of December, I guess.

Like December, so, I'm someone that, like, loves things, boom, boom, boom, boom, and like, all exciting. And then January always feels like we got to make our own fun. And sometimes kind of, like, I just feel like my motivation's low, my productivity is low. I feel like every single night recently, I've just been like, what did I really get done today? And I'm just like down on myself at the end of the night every single night. And I'm like, I don't even like I want to do more, but I actually can't get myself to like do more. Isn't that called the post-holiday blues or something? Because you're, you're so expended.

Maybe from the holidays. And then you get into the January and you're just exhausted. That's how I feel. And I want to feel. I want to be one of those people that like kickstarts the year, like discipline, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, I don't want to. And I think part of it is that I'm not in any kind of routine. Like I haven't been going to the gym.

And I did go to the gym today and I'm like, ha, like I feel like I got a little bit like back into me. But just in general, I need to just suck it up. And just like try to find fun things to do in January. I'm planning a shower for Val. Oh my gosh. And so that's like kind of getting me excited. I'm like, that's a fun thing to do.

Fine. Can I help you? Yeah. Okay, yeah. It's going to be Galentines themed. A little sweetheart is on the way. I was going to say we should call it Valentine's. But that's her.

That's actually a great idea. I like it. A little sweetheart is also cute. A little sweetheart is on the way. Valentine's Day. That's a cute. That's a cute theme. I got it from Pinterest.

I did not. I'm not creative in that way. Like with wordplay stuff. No. No, me neither. Well, I'll leave it to the Pinterest people. Fine. Okay, I want to help you with that.

Okay. What's crazy? Wow. Wait. What's your hope? My hope? Oh, yeah, Abby, gosh. Well, let's think about this.

I only thought about my heart. It's been that hard. Yeah, well, my brain just doesn't work. We've had so many friends come in town, which has been fun, and my parents are back, too. They do the snowbird thing, which is so fun. Yeah, and it's sweet. Just, I love anytime our parents or, like, my parents or Caleb's parents come in because CJ loves his grandparents so much, and it's so helpful when they're in town too.

That's definitely been a highlight. That's good. Yeah, that's my hope. Okay, should we move on to, wow, that's crazy. Wow, that's crazy. Wow, that's crazy. This has become the new TikTok viral sensation, and I, am currently obsessed.

I have genuinely no clue. I know. We should try it after the episode. We should. We'll make a video of us trying. That's a good idea, Eddie. Okay, this TikTok girl, her name's Courtney Cook. She is the cutest gal ever.

She looks like a who, which she says is a compliment. Not like her nose. Like she just has the sweetest, cutest, cutest little, like, she's just so cute. Okay. Anyway, she got famous on TikTok. I think she's grown over a million followers within the last month that I've watched. She's over two million followers. And she does the craziest lunches and meals of all time.

But they're not crazy to her. But I stopped on her videos the first time. It's called a plowman's lunch. She teaches British history, pretty sure. And a plowman's lunch is basically like a really random charcutory board of stuff, like raw vegetables and random chunks of cheeses. and breads and boiled potatoes, weird onions, and she'll just eat them, like, really really.

They got my weird onions. I would, like, watch her videos, and I'm like, this is the most disgusting, bizarre combinations of food and, like, the weirdest way to eat these foods, but I want to do it. And her responses to them are just, it's so amazing a watch. Is it like that lady who did the chicken sausage in the cottage cheese and mustard? Um, I don't know. I didn't see that. Okay.

But maybe if that was like, what, do you know? No, but I just put the video on your. iPad so you can take a look at it. The one that's gone really crazy is her sweet potato trend where she roast a sweet potato and she stuffs cheese inside of it and then just eats it like out of her hand like a hot dog. I don't know. It's so crazy.

What is this cheese? Definitely. Butter casset cheese. What does she do for work? She's a teacher. Oh cute. So she has a whole series of teachers lunches. I'm not mad.

Oh my god. So cute. I know it's so gross. Had a potato like this last night. I love that she loves this. She is such an endearing person to watch. That is the lunch. That has gone so viral.

Really? People love to watch or eat this and everyone's trying this concoction of super and do people like it? They love it. That's why I want to try it. I know. I want to try it. We should do it for a video.

It would be super cold. Okay, let's try it. It's so, and just the way that she eats things, I've been inspired to eat raw vegetables. I'm like, oh, I can just eat a bell pepper like an apple. Sure. I did it. You did it?

Well, with ranch. But yeah, got it. No, I did slice it. I didn't eat it like an apple. That's how she eats it. She just eats the most random raw vegetables. Like she'll take green onions. I took a video of it.

Green onions. Green onions should just start. Ew. It's crazy. There is a video, Val, our friend Val, we're talking about her again. She knows about her too. Yes, I brought her up. And she was like me and her husband, or not me,

her and her husband were watching her videos at night before bed. And there was a video of her eating the dumplings at 7 a.m. She loves soup dumplings. she puts them in these onion cups and puts soup dumplings in them and then tops them with mayo and soy sauce and seeds and all kinds of stuff and then she puts the whole onion cup in her mouth and she just goes oh yeah yeah and you're like oh i want to eat that never have i wanted to eat a raw onion cup in my life this is so funny to me this is like i love i'm fascinated by what people eat but i think this is fasting this became a trend oh she's she's absolutely bloomed bloomed she's not going to be a teacher anymore no

All of her food looks so good. I'm looking at her page. It doesn't sound good at eating plain green onions. I'm trying to look for that video. A lot of British food. So it's a lot of stuff that I've never heard of. It's just so random. But she's just such bizarre combinations that I want to try.

Gosh, you guys got me sold. And the comments are always hilarious. They're like, yeah, this is what I eat when I'm trying to clean out my fridge. Or it's like the leftovers. That's just how she eats. She said, I just know that no food is wasted in your household. Literally. Well, that's funny.

I know. I want to try it. She is the. I'm always like, oh, got to stop my TV shows on. That's how I feel with her video. Really? Yeah. That's fun.

I like that. Yeah. That's wholesome. That's our, wow, that's crazy. That is crazy. Because what she eats is truly crazy. It's truly crazy. The next segment I thought we could talk about, this is like, I feel like last episode

we talked about goals. It was kind of fun and Tiffy. But this episode, Caleb showed me the Kelsey Ballerini song. I sit in parks. And I have not cried listening to a song since maybe I was. was a little child. This song is so beautiful. And I feel like it's just such a good conversation for us to have.

Yeah, you listened to the song. Yeah, you sent it to me and you were like, I haven't cried since listening. I was like, I'm not going to listen to it. Because if you cry, then it's going to make me cry. But I listened to it and it didn't make me cry, but it is like I was just blown away by her. What's the what I'm going to say? I was going to say humility.

But like in, yeah, vulnerability in this like in writing a song like this, especially from like some. So, okay. So she made her. career huge basically is this true from her divorce album that was when I first knew her so I think that's when she first became like more she went on call her daddy and I think that really like pushed her career well wasn't call her daddy recently no she went on when they got her divorce which was a while oh oh okay so since that was like her divorce was such a big part of like her

like rising to fame I think this song comes as like it's even more impact then because, okay, so should you play the song or do you want to? Yeah, I don't think we can play this song. Yeah, we can't play it. I do want to listen to it again just to have like the fresh thoughts from it. But I let's just play it and we can keep talking about it. Don't cry right now. I literally, I listened to it this morning again and I almost cried again. Oh my gosh. I know. I've never touched like that. I am gosh. I know. I think but the first time I heard it, the first time I heard it, I was like, I feel so sad and grateful at the same time.

That is such an honest and, shoot, it's going to be crying. And maybe it's like being almost 30 and having two kids, it's like, man, I just feel grateful. I think it's just put in a perspective, like, these are the years. And I have two kids and I take them to the park with Caleb. but like it just feels like this really sweet time of my life and I was like wow I'm very grateful for that I'm also sad that like these years are short with the little kids but also like I felt very sad that I do feel like there's this narrative to women that being a mother is such a burden and like you can't live this like amazing life and like children are chains and she's like the line about

Um, do they look at me and want my freedom as much as I want to be a mother. Mm-hmm. And I'm like, dang, like, I felt that in the past. Like, Caleb, I, let me get it together for a second. Like, when we found out that we were pregnant with CJ, my oldest, that was very much a surprise. I was 26 when I got pregnant. I had started a business that I had ran for five years with him, that Caleb had come on and joined. And at the time that I got pregnant, like the business was failing.

I had all these big goals and dreams. I was like, I'm going to be a business woman, all this stuff. So I had like, found how I was pregnant. My business was failing. And I was like, dang, this is just not at all what I pictured my life to be like. And I felt scared. I felt, yeah, I just felt like a lot of these things. And now I look back and I'm like, dang, I'm so glad that we were able to start our family when we did.

Yeah, I just, I felt all. those emotions. Yeah. When I heard that. Yeah. I think the thing that like I respect the most in her writing this song is that she first of all I think in today's like culture it's very like frowned upon if someone changes their mind on things. I don't really understand why that is or if other people feel that way but if people are like you hypocrite it's like yeah we all like change our minds or we evolve or we you know wish we would have done things differently. I feel like regret is also something that is like kind of like you're not supposed to have regrets which obviously like you can't let your regrets like chain you back or hold you down but I think it's really admirable that she's willing to

just like publicly be like yeah I I'm wondering if I made the right decision or like everyone can look at me and like envy where I'm at right now but do they know that I'm envying them back and I think that takes a lot of that takes so much bravery and it's it's also I think the other thing that the thing that stood out to me most in listening to the song is that her acknowledging that like her decision had a cost because I feel like a lot of the times this this maybe is an American thing probably where it's like you can have it all you can be it all you can do it all and I feel like this messaging is I hear it more geared towards like moms like you can do it all you can have it all you can have the career you can be the best mom you can do all these things and I also think that

women have a unique pressure to to like I feel like just naturally I don't know if everyone feels this way. But like there's always this like quiet voice. It's like you're not enough. You're not doing enough. You're not, you know, meeting the standards that you need to do. Like there's more you can do and comparison, all this stuff. And so her acknowledging like every decision has a cost is refreshing. I told you when you started talking when you sent that song to me, it reminded me of Danny Austin who's like another creator and also like mega business owner. her admitting that she like in her own words she said something about like how she blew up her life like trying to have it all and for me as a listener hearing that it felt like a deep sigh of relief

because it's just not true that you can have it all and it doesn't mean that one decision is right and one decision is wrong it doesn't mean that career is wrong and motherhood immediately is right or vice versa totally like it just means that there's a cost and you have to kind of weigh those constantly. I feel like that's what motherhood is. Like we're both working moms. And I feel like I'm always kind of on this teeter-totter of like, how do we balance that? And like what, and which, like, what cost is too great where we need to make adjustments and then this benefit.

I'm not seeing it here. So then we got to make adjustments the other way. I don't know if that makes sense. No, it makes a lot of sense. Yeah, I would agree. It's so, the balance is hard. And I feel like I was totally bought that live. Like, oh, I can have it all as a kid.

And I feel like I reach for that for a really long time. And I don't know. I think I get sad hearing that video because I think that there's that narrative that like women think, oh, my life. We've talked about this before, but my life is going to stop when I have kids. And I don't think that that's true at all. You know, it looks different. And like you're saying, we have to adjust things around. But I don't know.

It's like, man, my life has started when I had kids. kids. And like even with work, it's like being a mom has made me more efficient. It's made me work harder. It's made me want to like balance my time better. Like I feel like all around having kids having a job, like a healthy marriage, all these things like has forced me to become a better well-rounded woman. And I'm so grateful for that. And yeah, it's not like, oh, I can go be this. I don't know. It's so hard. I don't know what I'm trying to say. No, I think it makes sense. And also hearing from your perspective too, like you were career driven at one point. and you had these like high aspirations in like the career area and like you still do but it's like

I almost feel like there's maybe two different people listening to this podcast because for me like I actually never had career ambitions like I did before I got married and then I feel like when I got married I was just like well when are we having kids because then I like can't I felt like you said I felt like I couldn't start my life until I had kids because that was like kind of like my like tunnel vision. Like I was like, got to have kids, got to have kids. It's like, I don't know why. I literally was just made that way. Like literally in high school, I remember just being like, whose babies can I watch? Like all the time. And I just felt like I couldn't get like I feel like that time, three years of after getting married, I was just like, which isn't a good place to be either. Like I feel like

there's a good thing to be said about like contentment. And also just like, yeah, enjoying early marriage and not like rushing into all that stuff. But like because I didn't have like, huge career ambitions I feel like it's like women have to decide right like what are you gonna do you're gonna be a mom or you're gonna be a working lady like and it's like oh gosh totally that's a tough place to be and then I feel like a lot of women too like they go into the career field and they're like really excited and passionate about it they get pregnant have a baby and they're like actually don't care about any of that anymore and so like there's that too totally there's so many different aspects of it but on the angle of

like being a working mom. I thought like I used to something Sadie Robertson actually once totally changed this around for me. But I used to feel every time I like had to do something for work and be away from the kids, I would like literally try to condense everything jam packed, which I already condense it to part time. But like I would literally like be like, okay maybe what can I get done in one hour? Like and try to get everything done. Then I would just be super stressed the whole time and like try to never be away and like I felt really guilty. Like my my default is kind of like going towards guilt. Usually I'm like, I'm not doing good enough mom, not doing enough for them. And something she said is like, I'm going to butcher it. So I'm not even going to try to quote it.

But something about like taking pride and what you do for work can give your kids confidence to. And how like that can also serve them. So now when I talk about it, I'm very intentional. I'm like, I'm going to go work and you're going to do fun stuff like with grandma like things like that. And then now they talk to me about it. They're like, oh, you're going to go to work and I'm going to play with honey or I'm going to go like do this activity. I'm like, yeah, and I think it's really cool that my kids also can see me as their mom having this role in providing for the family. And like also, like, we talk about the purpose of work and, like, working hard too. And I feel like it's good that they see their mom having this role as well. And not that it's only in the career realm, but also, like, within the house. But I don't know.

It's helped me just, like, be more intentional with my work and my role as a mom and, like, how I talk about it more. Because I felt like really weird. Like, I had to, like, be vague about it. it. I was like, I'll be right back. Like I was now I'm just like, oh, I'm going to go work. And I don't know. I just feel like for some reason that didn't click for me in the beginning. Totally. I get why like there's so many, I get why there's so many opinions across the board of this. And I understand why women want to wait, especially like if you go to school, you go to higher education, you spend all this time and money and then you go into the career field. And it's like, I don't want to just

blow all that away. Because I think people do probably assume that like once they have kids, they won't want to work anymore and that will shift in their life and I understand that is like a really hard thing for women to like tussle with and like make that decision on um but then yeah there's also the flip side of the coin where like we have these jobs where we can work from home which is nice and like we can kind of do our hours how we need to to like focus on our family the most but it's hard in these early years like you these are the what do they say like your kids are most impressionable from one to three and that's when you have the most influence on their life or one to five but it's when you have the most influence on their life or one to five.

So it's like you want to give them as much as you can in these first three to five years. So I get why that's harder. Women want to wait where they're like, okay, I've done the career thing. I want to do it. But then I feel this like sadness for a lot of women that do wait and then there are like complications or, you know, different things. And it's like you never want to say that in a way that's going to fear monger women until like wanting to have kids earlier or whatever.

Yeah, yeah. It's just like a reality of things sometimes. And I just feel like I know a lot of women that have pushed off. starting a family and like could have the opportunity to make it work well and sometimes I just wonder I'm like dang are they going to be sad about that decision later which it's okay you know but I just feel like we have been sold the slide like oh just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait and like I feel like I've thought that like I always thought I'd wait to like 30s to have kids and like do the career thing for a long time I just feel so grateful that that wasn't the case because I feel like I have

been able to fortunately figure out a way to do both like have work and be a mom and I feel like it's just it's been the greatest gift upon my life. Yeah. I don't know. I just feel sad for women that it is like a hard choice. Yeah. It's super hard. Well,

and I think on the flip side of it too is that I think like people waiting to have kids or people are also waiting to get married, which we obviously didn't. And I like have just been that also started the conversation of like young marriage like where it was like, okay, because also she's not married anymore. And like when she says like, God damn it, he loves her. I feel like there's like this like longing to like, what was the quote? There was some podcast that Matt and I always talk about where someone's like marriage is like choosing someone to be a witness to your life.

And I just like think about that a lot. I'm like, that's how do I say this? It would just, it'd be hard for you to imagine. It'd be hard for me to imagine like going through life without someone intimately knowing everything that's happening. My thoughts like what I'm going about in my day. gosh like what my one stop shake order is like it's like someone that just like knows you so intimately like one person that like that would probably feel I can imagine that where that could feel lonely where it's like it's not even the fact that he like he like this this family she's looking at that

he loves her but that like he knows her and that they're like in each other's lives I don't know and so I don't know where I'm going with this but just thinking about like life how it looks so differently depending on when you enter into marriage. Yeah. Because, I mean, we're very, I got married at 20, which is crazy now saying that. Yeah. But just thinking about how Matt and I were actually just talking about this. I was like, Matt, I literally know you so well.

I was like, I literally remember when you were a kid and I saw you become a man and you saw me go from like become a woman. And we have like this insane. library of memories together that like I can't imagine even now at 27 how old am I? I don't know so it's actually real I stopped aging at 25 in my head I thought aging at 23 which is much too young to stop aging every time I'm like well I'm 25 and I'm like nope I know I can tell people I'm young 20s and I'm literally 29 and this the oldest 20 you could possibly be the oldest 20 you're the oldest 20 But I was like, the fact that, like, we have some friends that are single and they're dating right now, like, gosh, they have to fill them in on, like, you also can't really, that's, there's something so unique about, like, having that type of history by that age that it's like, it's really special. Totally.

So that's not to say one's right or one's wrong. Like, I feel like this is just something that it's, like, unique about young marriage. It's like, gosh, we literally have so much. much history. Yeah. Like by the age of 27. Totally. Which is wild. I guess what we're, I imagine who we're speaking to right now are those people that are like, they've been dating for five years. They know they're going to get married, but they put the brakes on. I'm like, just get married. Start your life. Like get married. Have kids. Like, you can make it work. Like, I feel like that's my charge. And I feel like that's, there's obviously a million perspectives on

this discussion. And they're not all, there's no right or wrong. But like, that's my point of you. I'm like, dang, just do it because it's so fun to, like, live your life with someone. It's so fun to have kids. It's just a special, I don't know, it's just such a special. It's really rewarding. It's so rewarding. And like, obviously, people look at marriage and kids is, like, such a sacrifice because it is, but making those sacrifices also has, like, a way of, like, refining you as a person where it's, like, I don't know. It has completely changed how I view, like, honestly, everything in life. Both of them. things and it's just a it's just a practice every single day in selflessness and I think that's the

thing that we have to counteract the most as humans I feel like our nature is like very selfish which kind of have to be gosh there's probably some evolutionary reason like you had to be selfish if you're a pack but anyway like just it is a practice every single day in like selflessness that is really good and also it's healthy too like I don't know I was back Kelsey in this song I'm like I'm sure she made that decision to like get divorced to not have kids because she wanted to pursue being selfish for a little bit and her dream and like she knew it be a cost like she wouldn't be able to have a child important to a child no it makes sense like that was the cost yeah she was like wait it and she was like yeah this isn't

what I want down the line totally and well that's what she thought and actually I noticed in this that listening that song again she literally says what I want she it's like she changed like she just fully changed your mind. She said that's what she wants. Totally. Which is interesting. Do we know what her ex-husband's up to? He's dating a new person now and she was just dating Chase Stokes and they recently broke up. Dang. The guy from Outer Banks. Yeah. They did it for like two years. Oh, and an interesting thing is that she froze her eggs. So she, when she was married to her ex-husband. So I think she was always planning to have kids a little later or maybe he didn't. I don't, I don't, don't know that when they were planning on having kids, but she froze her eggs.

So that's also interesting in relation to the song is that she has eggs. When you're thinking about getting older, having those eggs, but not being ready to, like, get pregnant yet, I guess. That might be another thing. People are having kids later because they know they can freeze their eggs. Like, that's a more common thing now. Wait, why are you, wait, they, I'm dumb. Am I, am I dumb?

So wait, if you, no, no, no. So you can't have kids, though, after you've gone through menopause, right? No, uh-uh. Even if you've frozen your eggs? Yeah, no. But are they thinking that these eggs are healthier eggs because they're like younger eggs than when they would have them in a later? Yeah, well, it's like as you get older every year, you have less eggs. So maybe if you're having trouble getting pregnant, you can use your old, your frozen eggs?

Yeah, so they don't have to do an egg retrieval then and then start that. Well, you just don't, you know, you aren't women born with the amount of eggs that they always have? Like, we're born in the room we're created. But you only drop more. One a month. But no, it's like your body has multiple, but only one gets fertilized. She froze her eggs when she turned 30. I just think about when people go through IVF.

This actually brings up a bigger conversation. That we don't know anything about women. Yeah. I don't think we drop multiple eggs, but, no, we don't drop multiple eggs. But like when people do IVF in their cycle and they can extract multiple, it's like, oh, they might have 11 this cycle and then like 50 the next, like that are available. Is that not right? Viable?

Viable? I don't know. But. See, this is. something we also need to work on you have more when you're younger okay so if you freeze them you have a higher chances of them being successful later on okay well that that is interesting well I guess 30 she's 32 yeah she can still do this thing totally just has to find the person that she wants to have something killed but I talk about a lot because my mom and dad were much older when they had kids my mom

started she had my older sister at 30 waited five years had me at 35 and then had my little sister when she was almost 40 so they like really spaced about and stuff but I'm mother looks great. Yeah, I did not realize. My dad turned 70 this year. Wow. Wait. Yeah. No, I'm sorry. He's 69 this year. He'd be really sad if I said that. But yeah, I have older, older parents on the older side. And like Kilby, we were talking about this. If we want four kids and we didn't want to do four under four, and I was 31, 32, like, that just really changed your timeline on things. Because I'm like, I don't want to be pregnant back to back to back to back. If I wouldn't have any space and time in there, you think you're pregnant for nine months, then you're,

postpartum for a year. That's a long time, you know, and then maybe you want to, like, have a little bit of an age gap between your kids. So I'd like that's something that I don't know I didn't think about before having kids, you know. It comes quick. It comes so fast. And those years are not, you know, if you start having kids later, you're probably, I think that's why the average of kids has gone down. Like most families just have two. They're probably going to start later. So getting married, the average for men is 30 and women is 28. That's a prior. That's younger than I thought it was going to be. That's a as of 2023. In 1960, it was at 22 for men and 20 for women. So it's changed that much. Oh my goodness. That's crazy. Wow. That's crazy.

The average age for women for their first birth in 2023 was 27. Okay. Okay. That's when I gave birth. You were the average. What am I talking about you guys? In 1970s, it was 21. So it's changed since then. I also think one interesting thing about you guys is you both are married to your high school sweetheart. And you know what percentage that is? It's about 2% of people get married to their high school sweetheart. Man.

And so you guys both of the 2% of America, you guys are both in that situation, which is interesting. So you've dated your husband for a long time. You've been with them for a while. Yeah, I've been 12 years for Caleb and I. I feel like I had to be careful sometimes talking about these subjects because I do feel like I've been very privileged in this area. Like I lack perspective. I'm like, I definitely probably lack perspective.

Just marry them. I know. I love them. Have kids early. You know, I'm like dating, you know, but I understand dating is super hard. That means we can bring up the cons of dating and marrying young. I got some cons. I feel like I went through a little bit of an identity crisis.

I feel like it hit right after we had our first kid where I was like, I just remember one morning. I was like, I like my eggs scrambled. And I was like, it was like a big proclamation. Because we had been eating over easy eggs for like two years. And I was like, I like him scrambled. And then I was just like, and I like cheese. Like I just started to think of like all the things where I was like, man, we have just like, I have adapted and like grown around you so much and him vice versa.

But where I was like, gosh, where would I be independent of you? Like what decisions would I have made? Like, and I think that it's not like, it's, it's not like, oh gosh, the grass is greener on the other side of this. But it did come to a point where I was like, my gosh, I've literally become an adult with you. Like, I formed around you. We formed around each other. Like, what would I be? Like, what would I even be like?

And so I feel like it did kind of cause like a little bit of like, what is happening? Like, what do I like? Where do I like? What is happening? I don't know. And so I do think that other people that get married young feel this way too. Because we brought it up on a podcast one time. I think other people were like, yeah.

Like, that's great and it's awesome. But then there's certain times where I'm just like, what would I, what would I've been? Like if I had been single in my 20s until I was like at least the average of like 28. What was it, 27? I can't even imagine that. I can't imagine it either. I don't know who I would be. That's what made me spiral.

That I don't want to think about that actually. No, but it did kind of. I was like, like my egg scrambled. And then it was just like, interesting I was like you know and then I started to think I was like I don't cook with cheese because I live with you and I just started to think I was like we live we do this for our job we live here we and it was like we had agreed on all of those decisions together and like we were excited about them but it just comes I feel like

there was a time where it just like all caught up to me I was like what would I be like totally and I think that that is something interesting yeah a pro is that it was really easy to adjust to marriage yeah because we didn't know any different I never lived independently. You didn't have an identity. We had no money. We had no money. And so like the financial transition, the life transition was actually really easy. Like I don't remember having any like major hiccups because I was just like, yeah. Yeah, you didn't have any like routines that you were set in or yeah, you didn't have a stable job that I was like, I need to be here for this job. Like we were just very flexible. Like everything was, I was in college. Like everything was so flexible at

that time everything was so low stakes where I was like say I had been with my job and they're like wanting to transfer me to a different state and I was like like that would have been like a logistical problem more than anything but and then you do have to make decisions like what's more important at this point and so like everything was just really low stakes at that point so that was a really easy transition uh-huh I was like yeah everything's fun for sure I was going to say a similar thing it. We have a very high tolerance for risk, Caleb and I do, because our whole 20s were just risky. Like, we had nothing. We didn't have careers. We didn't, you know, like stable careers. We just had no money, which was a con. It was just a con. I remember I was listening to some of your

unplanned podcast episodes and you're talking about how disciplined we were with their money. I was like, we just had no choice. We just had no choice. And so that was a con, but there are so many pros to that too where I feel like you did have a choice though. A lot of people go. into serious debt. Yes, we did have. So you did have a choice. Thank you. We also did have a choice to get normal jobs and we chose not to. So we did choose to stay poor. If you're curious, we used to have a clothing boutique that I started in college and then Caleb and I ran that together. And that was five years. I kind of touched on that earlier. And then we had a really bad like season where we lost all the money and yeah, it was really hard. There was a year we made

combined $37,000. Combined. That's no money. That's really low. It was hard. In Kansas City, Missouri? Um, no. That's when we lived in Phoenix. That's why we had to move because we couldn't afford our rent. Even more bad. It was really, yeah, high living, low income. Dang it. But we taught, we learned so much from those experiences. And I feel like that helped shape us as we become adults. We're like not afraid to take risks because we lived these lives where, yeah, was low stake or we kind of had to make hard decisions a lot of the times and if we lost everything we had we knew that we'd be okay like we could figure it out um it kind of made us a little scrappy so I feel like there's so many fun things like that and I think you build so much trust like you're

not going to take risk with someone that you don't trust but like when you have all this history it's like you've shown up from me every time like we can do this together and like you know that you know your person's going to be with you and going to be along for the ride no matter what totally like that's a major advantage too totally yeah we didn't have those 20s where we like go and travel the world and do all these great fun instagram things but hopefully we get that in our 30s we say we're going to go clubbing when we're ending nesters we'll go with you so are wild the Ellen Pompeo video i kind of just wrote out exactly what she said i think it's actually really yeah what she says yeah do you want to read it yeah i'll say wait

What's Ellen Pompeo? Gray's Anatomy. Oh, that's what you said. Yeah, that's what she said. Yeah, that's what she said. So I wrote it out because I thought it was, I listened to it and I was like, wow, this is like really cool, especially being a new mom on my end. But especially being a working mom and figuring out how to do that. You cannot be a mother and have children and give 100% to your job.

It is a part of you that is somewhere else. You split into different pieces. You are no longer just you. You know what it does. It gives you more soul, richer, funnier, more empathetic, anguish. It gives you a range of emotions you can't even imagine having without this person. You will be yourself times a thousand. You will just be a better version of yourself.

It doesn't matter that you can't give 100% to this because by the way we are as women, we evolve. But if it's something that you want, it will only make you better. I am so much better for having children. That's so good. I feel like she kind of clarified what we were saying about you can't have it all. Like you can't give 100% of your all to work and do like the crazy grind hustle culture and give 100% to your kids. It's like there's got to be a give in a tank.

And a take. I do think like obviously we're examples of you could be working moms. And I know a ton of women. Like I know women that in med school that have had kids and families, like they make it work, you know. Yeah. I mean, my mom was a full time working mom my entire life. Yes. And I think of her as nothing but present and attentive to our needs.

Like totally. It's not. But yeah. You just have, there's going to be gifts with work. And your number one cannot be your job. I feel like when you have kids. It's because we're limited. Like you're literally just, you can.

cannot, yes. I think that's one thing you said to Abby, too, is you said that your marriage is above your career, too. Yes, your kids are above your career, but your marriage also is as well. Yeah, that was actually something that we brought up when we were talking about the song, too, is that Matt and I consciously, like, we, so we went into college to be theater, performers, actors, whatever that meant. And I was just laughing about that this morning because I was like, Matt, realistically,

things were going to change anyway. But early on, this is like what we were going to school for. Like this was the dream, right? And so then after one semester, we had talked to like a lot of our professors, which a lot of them had ended up going into teaching, like acting or whatever their class was or a subject was. Because they were like, yeah, I wanted to have kids and I wanted to have a family. Or like they were like, I toured. I was in a tour in Asia and my partner was overseas for nine months a year.

And we were just like, oh, like, that's, that's pretty, that's, I don't know if we wanted to make that sacrifice. And so very consciously, after one semester, we were like, yeah, it's more important that we're together and we can prioritize us. And like, we already knew then that we wanted to get married and like soon. So we're like, we want to just prioritize this marriage, like our marriage over career. And I think it was really good for us to make that decision really early on because it just made everything else really easy, honestly. And let me tell you, people were like worried in my life, like happy, you're going to give this up. Like this is like you really like you've done this since you were in second grade. Like you were really like shooting for this.

And I just remember just being like, I didn't, I didn't grieve it. Which that doesn't mean that some people won't make sacrifices that they were like, this was hard and I really miss it. And like to this day, like I still love theater and I still like miss like Matt and I saw Wicked live. And we told you that. We like literally sobbed both of us when the opening number came because it just like brought something awake inside of us. We're like, oh, I like miss that passion, that time of our lives. But like to consciously make that handoff early on, like it was pretty different. And I think people were like, what? But it made everything really easy because we're like, well, yeah,

that's, if that's the cost, I don't want to pay it. And yeah, I think that's a lot of things in life are like that. Yeah. So that to say, like me saying like you can't have it all is like you cannot, you yourself are 100%. You can't give 100% to everything. And if you do, you're just going to feel like you're just going to constantly be beating yourself up. Yeah. That doesn't mean you don't work. That doesn't mean you don't have kids. Yeah.

That just means that you are constantly in this tension. Totally. And that's part of it. And I don't know why that feels like controversial to say. Really? I don't know. I mean, I don't think it is. But I feel like people will be like, if I say you're a mom, you shouldn't give 100% to your job over your kids.

Like I feel like that was like a universally, like if the man was like, I'm a workaholic and doesn't give a time to his kids. I think everyone would be like, you're a jerk. But then when a mom, when a woman wants to say that, I feel like people are like, no, work. You can do it. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's true. And I just don't actually think that that's normal.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I'm navigating that right now of like working and being. I actually feel the most guilty when I'm with her and working rather than her being with someone else. I'm like, it's so, I feel so much better when I know she's with someone who can give them their full attention and hang out with her and play with her. and play with her and then I can give my full attention to work for a little bit of time and then I feel so much better on all aspects. I think it's because they're so little they don't understand

that like exactly what's happening. So it's like why is my mom here and like not playing with me? Like I think about that sometimes and I feel like now just like having that conversation I'm just like I'm working and like they and they're like super good with it. Yes. But yeah, I think that's just a tension that I'll live in constantly be evaluating and that's okay and it's going to change and it's going to look differently. But to summarize this, like Abby was saying, if you're dating and you're like, you just picture your whole life with this person

and you're just like, no, just not the right time. Or like, I need to do X, Y, and Z first. I don't know. I think the timeline is here and or there. I remember that being a huge thing when we got married because everyone's like, you have to at least graduate college first. And I was like, no, we're not going to. And Matt never graduated.

Yeah. We would still not be married. I never felt ready. Like I did not feel ready to have kids. And then I had kids. And I was like, oh, you just get ready. You just figure it out. You make it work.

And so if that's your thing where you're just like, I just don't feel ready, don't feel ready. Just have trust in yourself that you are resilient and you can do it. And if that's the one thing you want in the future, my encouragement is to just pull the trigger. And having kids is actually great. Like I feel like there's a lot of, that's the thing that's hard. I keep quoting these other things,

but remember the thing that was like huge with like Chapel Rhone, which I hope she, and they don't mean any hate to her, but I honestly think. I just disagreed with her. Well, no, she said all of her friends that had kids young or something like that or were miserable. And I think that it's just so interesting because that's like her perspective of like looking in as like,

and I think that also can reflect on like us as young moms. Like how are we presenting to people that don't have kids? Yeah. Like it's not totally on her, right? Like if you're if you're griping and moaning about it in front of people that don't have kids like that's not That's not a good thing to do like honestly expect like there's a time and a place to be like this is really hard right now Like we're a stage where we're not sleeping that's really really hard and you should have space to say that I think that community is with other moms and I think that's really great and it's not that you can't say that

But it's just like the messaging should be positive first and like this is awesome and super rewarding and I'm sure those moms are like yeah I'm sure they're exhausted but I'm sure if she were to come back and talk to them, like, do you think you made a mistake? Like, do you regret it? It would be absolutely not. I know. And so maybe those conversations could be a little bit more redeeming. I don't know. That's a good point.

I get so frustrated online when I'm scrolling all the reels and it's just people dogging on their kids. Like in a humorous way. I'm like, yeah, these jokes are funny or like it'll be a video of a kid doing something crazy, like smearing poop. You know, something that is really gross and really hard and does sometimes happen. And the comments are, this was a great birth. control. I'm like, that's not the point. Yeah, because you can't control that audience at that point. Yeah. And I'm like, dang, I just, I never, I, that's, if that's what people think kids are,

smearing poop and an inconvenience to your life, like, that sucks, you know, it's like, that's not the message that we want. And that, because that's not true. Yeah. So yeah, it's like, you can share those stories with your friends and your family and like other moms, but to people that aren't moms, it's like, man, think about how they take that stuff. Yeah, I think kids are the worst. And learn and adapt. Like it's so interesting. Even like over the holidays, you have a baby. You're going in and out. Naps are crazy. All this things. And what did we do yesterday? We were like, okay, we're not going to go to this thing because our daughter needs to nap. You know? And you just learn and adapt and it's not miserable. Like, totally. I guess it's just everyone's perspective. Also, baby years are short. I feel like people forget that. Like the nap stage is short. We're still functioning. Like you see us. We're talking. We're alive. You are going to go tell someone at the supermarket. I'm not. sleeping like we still your body adapts as a mom yeah i just people always think that like the baby stage is forever and it's like uh no events but in three years the kids not gonna nap and then five years they're gonna be in school and you're not gonna see them so i don't know like you're gonna have

your life back in a couple years do you what i mean i'm like people are like oh kids are so inconvenient nap i am not dropping them out at school it's just like i don't know like it's just such a short time that we're inconvenienced and the grades come over our life yeah and also gosh, I can't, I can't say this and not think about someone that's like struggling with infertility or like going through a loss to. So like not to say like this is like the end all be all or like your life can't start until that next thing happens.

So, no. There's so many people listening to this and I just had to think about that too. Like, things you're saying that. Like there's so much joy in where you're at now. And it can feel like everything has to be on pause until that next thing happens or this thing or this stage enters or like maybe motherhood feels like this close. love that you're just not ever going to be a part of or like it's just really hard and so all i'm like i'm thinking about you too like it's a great yeah that must be hard totally and so yeah not like it's

like the ultimate end all be all like everyone's life looks different everyone's timeline looks different and a lot of that is out of your control too and so try not to beat yourself up and try to find contentment i know that's such a general thing to say right now but there's a purpose for the season that you're in as much as you it doesn't look like what you want it to be like there's a purpose for it and lean on your friends yeah thanks for yeah i think that's good to say that marriage and kids are amazing yes and if you're if you're in that season of waiting for those things and those are things that you want and they don't feel accessible right now like i hurt for you yeah yeah like that's hard totally and our lives aren't like better than yours it's no yeah i'd say i look back and i wish i

would have enjoyed those seasons more than like I was like I was so excited to get married that I kind of just like tried to rush into getting married I wanted kids so I rushed into and then I'm like I should have soaked it in a little bit more so while it is hard while you're waiting I'm like just soak it in yeah that's the hardest thing it is finding contentment where you're at gosh especially like for someone like me like I don't even feel like I'm a planner at all like I don't even like really think ahead but I'm just like I love looking forward to things that's how I always like even as a kid I looked back and I was like when something was ending my mom was like well this is coming and like I feel like that's how I always like kept propelling myself forward so that's kind of life yeah we love

women we're pro women we're pro children we're pro marriage marriage marriage ask ask abbeys wait this is our first time having a listener do it oh my gosh we're going to do three questions or three voicemails from listeners and here is the first one. My name's Francesca and I was wondering what's your best advice for getting motivated to help with my like self-image and how I feel about my body and basically how to motivate myself to lose a bunch of weight. Love you guys. Oh my gosh. That's such a sweet, honest. Frathevica, thank you for sending that. I feel like probably a lot of people relate to that or one of the same things.

I feel like my initial reaction is weight is just a number, you know, and that should, I don't always feel like, that's not a bad motivation for things if it's, like, unhealthy, but I think your motivation should just be health. And I feel like that's especially postpartum, I felt that a lot, like, especially when your body changes a lot, you know, I feel like as women, our bodies go through a lot of ups and downs. And it's been motivating and really fun, and it's helped, like, keep my health forefront of mind when I just think about I want to feel strong I want to feel like I have the best energy levels and all that so finding that's been motivating for me and if it's I feel like if I'm just like oh I want to lose weight or I'm not feeling confident about my body and I want to wait wait

wait then that leads me want to do unhealthy things like not eat the way that I should or like you know eat less calories than I that's correct or go too crazy in the gym or it's overwhelming and I don't want to do anything at all. And so I feel like that's almost not like the, I feel like there is other factors that could be maybe more motivating than weight on the scale. I don't know. Yeah, find a way to move your body that you just actually really like. Yes. And that can be a lot of trial and error. I think the great place to start would be group fitness because it, you have that built in accountability and you don't have to think. You literally just show up and they tell you what to do and you leave. And like almost every time you get a good well-rounded workout because some,

someone that's really well trained in all this is like writing it for you. And more than anything, like if you find a community, that's like, that's the best way to stay accountable, in my opinion and something that you like. Now, something I want to say is that like you can't hate the way you look or hate your body into changing. I think you have to love it into that. And I mean that. That sounds so cheesy, but I mean that in the sense of like you have to love your body

in the sense that like you want to do good things for it and like move it and feed it well and also treat it like do those things and then you'll that will be the change rather than like I just despise what I see and that's that's just not going to be long lasting um I feel like this is my conversation my mom a lot like I'm like hey your goals should just be to show up yeah that is amazing that's my only goal is to show up and like I want to do it because I want to do something good for my body because I love my body and I want to be able to do things with it for a long time. And so I feel like the motivation has to come from love and not like hate. Now the self-image part, that is hard.

And gosh, I don't even necessarily know how to tackle that. Like I feel like that's something that everyone struggles with. Yeah, I think it shifts a lot throughout your life. Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like Francesca, you sound young, which is sweet. Thank you for like listening. And I just feel like too, as you get older, that will change.

Like I remember feeling very insecure about myself when I was in high school and, you know, worrying about all these things. And I look back at pictures now and I'm like, why was I ever like insecure or like, why did I worry about these things at a young age? And as you get older, I feel like you get life experience. You kind of get out of like, oh, these are the certain images or standards of beauty or this is what's right and what's wrong. And you kind of get this overall, which is like silly to say like, oh, just wait. You know, that's not my point. But I'm just saying like when you're young, it feels like it's your whole world and it's everything that you're. you're thinking of and it's really important feels really important so yeah I just like

gave yourself some grace when you're young and in the interim I feel like when I have felt like low self-image times just going a little bit like maybe this is bad guys correct me if this is bad advice but sometimes I'm like let me just get myself done up like what time and then I just feel like it just like kickstarts me and to like I don't know I know okay so say I do my mask area I'm like my gosh my eyes like they're really standing out and then you start to notice the things naturally about yourself that you really like. And so it's like less of a crush and more of just like a kickstart. I don't know.

Like find things that make you feel more confident. Like if there's a certain way you do your hair or like a little bit of makeup or an outfit that you feel like really flatters you, I feel like that's just the thing that you can kickstart you into like social settings in which you're going to have people that are like actually going to like speak life into you and like fulfill you in other ways and kind of get you out of that head space where it's like the only thing that matters is. like how I look, which maybe that is like how it feels. But then once you're out and like, oh, people like me because I'm funny or people like

me because like they like the things I have to say or the energy I bring to a room. And it's like maybe that's just all it takes to get you in those settings. You know? I don't know. When I'm like in a down world, I'm like, I think I just need to like curl my hair. Do a little mascara. And then get out. Get out of my space and be with other people.

And that really kind of helps like get your thoughts out of your own head. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Thanks for saying that question. Hi, guys. This is Kamari. I have been watching you all for quite some time.

My question is, how do you find the strength to keep going as a mother, even when you're going through things like grief, postpartum depression, and just vice itself? It's fresh for me still. But, yeah, you saying that does, like, revealing me. I feel like there was a lot of times, like, especially at the beginning where I was like, I'm not showing up at all for my kids because I'm just so wrapped up in my own grief. Like I just felt like I couldn't show up for them. I think you gave me this advice, Abby.

So this was good. But you were like, it's good for them to see you grieving. It's good for them to see you like sad. I don't know how you said it. And I think other friends gave me that advice as well because I was like so stuck in this. Like I can't be around them if I'm just such a bother. Like if I'm just so down. And so then it was like me retreating.

And like Matt was doing everything for the kids. And that's a privilege because like this mom who called in, like she might not have that as an option. And I just want to say like it's okay because I needed to hear this too. It's okay for your kids to see you down. It's, I think important to follow up with conversation though about like what you are down about in a child appropriate way. And finding ways to do that was really important for me because I think that. this is how kids also start to learn how to cope with their own feelings. Knowing that, I've heard it said before too, like when kids experience like an emotion and they feel

like mom or dad never had, like they never experienced this. They don't know what it's like. And that can feel really confusing and lonely for kids. So like saying like, like, mom feels sad right now. And I would like tell them like why I was sad in a child appropriate way. And that like felt like a relief to me that I didn't have to just completely disappear because I was just like sad. And it also feel like for them, like, then they had a frame of reference where it's like,

okay, like, then they would bring it up to me. And so I feel like that was like, I'm not explaining this well at all. But basically don't feel like you have to shield your kids from that. I do think that you should reflect, like, how am I going to like, especially with some of the things you can be grieving can be really like, really heavy. And maybe not necessarily like. Because also I was like, if I start to talk about this, Like my two and three year old, I could really unload on them.

And that's not their job. So just like do this thoughtfully, but don't feel like you have to hide that up or bottle that up or just completely retreat. Because they're smart. They're really smart no matter how young they are. Totally. That's a good answer. Yeah, your grief came from a place of love. And that's a really important thing for your kids to see it.

And I think anyone who's going through loss, like if you're grieving a loss of a parent, of a child of anything, like, you're feeling super sad because you loved them so much. And that's a really sweet thing for your kids to see. And for you to explain to them, like, this is like, I loved them so much, you know? Yeah. And like, that's a, what's the word? Like, honorable thing. That's not, you know?

And I think that's a good reminder, like, grief isn't bad. Like, it's coming from a place of, like, love and sadness. I think have grace on yourself, too. Um, that's so hard to do sometimes, but just, like, know that this is a tough season and it's not going to look like this always. Um, so I, for me, like, your question is like about keeping going. And it's like, I think set small goals for yourself. Like as a mom would be like just a really, like, depending on how old your kids are, it's like, I want to do one guided activity with them today or I want to do 10 minutes of just like play with them. And then just like having those like little goals. to start help get you back in motion too and then you can also just be like I showed up for them and you don't have to just deal with that guilt of like maybe I can't be as fun or as like lively or imaginative like I was like I can't use my imagination right now like I just remember feeling like I can't just like run around and be goofy but like I'm like I can sit down and do play that with

them for like 10 minutes or things like that so just set small goals too because like eventually three weeks into small goals, you'll find yourself in a better place. Like, I guarantee it. And it fluctuates, too, as I'm sure anyone who's gone through grief knows. But yeah, yeah, you don't have to hide that from your kids. Like, then your kids are older and they look back on that and like, oh, wow, mom really struggled with postpartum depression. Our mom was really grieving during that season. They're not going to think, she was so weak. You know, they're going to think, wow, look how strong my mom is. She got through that season and she's still this amazing mom and she loves us. So have graceing herself. But they might feel confused if it's not. not like a conversation if that makes sense. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And because I think kids tend to put things on themselves, like how their parents are doing, like, on themselves.

So, yeah. What are some tips or advice that you have for when you get them that you're pregnant? When you just found out that you're pregnant, what do you do? Oh, you probably sweat a lot. By deodorant. I literally listen to a podcast. I was like, what do I do when you find out your phone? Oh, like what do you like actually do?

Actually, what should you do? That's a great question. That's what's hard. At the beginning, there's not a lot to do. Totally. You kind of have to wait because you call your doctor. You need to make a doctor's appointment. And they're going to tell you you have to wait until eight weeks.

Find an OBGYN. What did you say? They have what they tell you to wait until eight weeks. Yeah. And you're like, oh my gosh, I don't know how many weeks I am. They'll help you calculate it, help you figure it out. Gosh, it's so exciting and so fun. I remember when I found out with CJ.

I was obviously like really surprised and I drove to Starbucks and I was sweating so much and trying to hold back tears and I hadn't told anybody yeah I drove immediately at Starbucks I was going to get a drink and I told the guy at the counter and go can you write on it I'm pregnant just like bawling my eyes out and then I was just and he's like did you just find out and I was like yeah and he gave me a hug and it was really sweet yeah so I think after that emotions kind of like settle. You could decide then with your partner how you want to tell people and when you want to tell people. I think that's kind of it. You just kind of wait. Yeah. It's a lot of waiting. Yep. Would you agree, Eddie? Yeah, I had no idea what to do and we were recording a podcast that day.

And so I listened to a podcast from, I don't even know who someone somewhere. I was like, what to do when you find out you're pregnant. Yeah. What they say. What they say. They said, make an appointment. Call an OB if you haven't found. one, start taking a prenatal if you're not. Oh, that's a good day. I wasn't taking a prenatal. I should have been. Yeah, and then a lot of waiting. But I also just told everyone that day. So, oh, yeah. That's the hardest part. It's like, you kind of just have to tell someone. Tell at least one person. I had to tell it off your chest, you know. Oh, he told Abby and then she convinced us to go tell everyone. Well, I also knew that my mom would be so mad if I knew. Yeah.

Well, like, long before her. Yeah. I was like, are you waiting for a specific reason or? Because I was like, if you're not, you better tell Lori. Yeah. Blake was the one that was like, let's wait. And I'm like, come on. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's funny.

That's so exciting. Congratulations. Yeah, congrats. Oh, my gosh. It's great. I had an unhinged. This is probably going to get cut. But when I was thinking about pros and cons, getting married.

Oh, gosh. This is unhinged. But I just had to say it. Okay. You get married young. You're going to have sex a lot. You get a lot of practice time. Like I literally Matt asked chat GPT.

A lot more. Is it a lot more in your lifetime? Yes. Yeah, it's so true. Like if you're just doing one night stands, there's literally no way you'll spend your whole life coordinating partners. Like, I mean, it's just not going to work out. Matt asked chat GPT, like where are we at as far as like a total?

Caleb and I also just calculated that up. What? Just ourselves, though. Just ourselves. I'm not going to give it, but I was like, no one, it'd take a long time for newly wants to catch us. You'll never because of that. Oh my gosh. Hey, okay, we cried a lot this episode. I had to do something light-hearted. Thanks guys for supporting us. It's like, obviously we're working out our podcast muscle together. Yeah. It's going to get stronger

over time. But we're new to this. It feels, I know you're like, this is a new role for you. Yeah. This is definitely a new role for me. So yeah. Thanks for listening to episode two. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week. If you want leave a voicemail for next week's episode. Be sure to call in and the number is 602-456-9-6-90. If you're driving or doing laundry or something, it'll also be in the description and on our Instagram page. Follow us on the Instagram page.

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