The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby - We're pregnant with our rainbow baby

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

Today's episode is sponsored by Shopify, Pocket Pivot, Little Spoon, and Upwork. Shopify: Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial today at https://shopify.com/unplanned Pocket Pivot: Text UNPLANNED to 64000 to get a free pocket pivot and 10-pattern sprayer with the purchase of any size Copper Head hose; message and data rates may apply, see terms for details. Little Spoon: Go to https://littlespoon.com/unplanned30 and enter code UNPLANNED30 for 30% off your first order of real, nutritionally balanced meals and snacks for kids at every stage. Upwork: Visit https://upwork.com to post your job for free and connect with top talent ready to help your business grow. In this episode Matt and Abby get honest about what this rainbow baby pregnancy has actually felt like: the joy, the grief, and the complicated space where both live at the same time. They open up about the fear leading up to that 17-week appointment and what it has meant to finally let themselves feel hopeful again. Follow The Unplanned Podcast: https://www.instagram.com/unplanned__podcast/ https://www.tiktok.com/@unplanned_podcast Listen to the pod on Spotify/ Apple Podcasts: https://open.spotify.com/show/1ToDA4ufQuWuEgMq07zN6t https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-unplanned-podcast/id1669604504 Follow Matt & Abby: Abby's Instagram | https://www.instagram.com/abbyelizabethoward/ Matt's Instagram | https://www.instagram.com/_matt_howard_/ TikTok | https://www.tiktok.com/@matt_and_abby Facebook | https://www.facebook.com/mattandabb YouTube | https://www.youtube.com/@MattandAbbyHoward #unplannedpodcast #mattandabby Chapters: 00:47 - Why we waited to share 05:15 - Finding out we're pregnant 15:28 - Bleeding scare and coping 22:50 - Ad Break 26:31 - Finding out the gender 29:07 - Telling our family 38:36 - Reaching the 17 week mark 45:35 - Gender reveal party 49:11 - Ad Break 52:02 - Pelvic Rest 59:52 - Telling our boys 01:02:09 - Feeling the baby kick 01:09:21 - Talking about baby #4 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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on their own terms. We're pregnant. Woo! You're glowing, by the way. Oh, thank you. I think this is your prettiest pregnancy yet. I can't believe you've been pregnant four times. This is your fourth pregnancy.

I know. That's a lot of being pregnant. I know. Goodness. I do love it. Is your body doing okay? That's a lot on your body. No, I feel like I'm very, very lucky.

I don't feel bad, super bad when I'm pregnant. I just get a lot of headaches at this stage. And I have a headache currently and I have a headache currently and I have a head of basically every day for the past like two months. I'm sorry. It's okay. Yeah, no, I'm really relieved to, like a part of me is relieved to be talking about this publicly, but I would say about 60% of me is like, I don't want to do it.

Why are you afraid? I'm not, there's, there's just so much. You know, we were so public with our miscarriage and, you know, gosh, I'm just a human, right? Like, it just feels like we were so candid. about everything and just authentic. And there's just certain pressures with being public facing with something that's so fragile, like feeling seemingly fragile, but, you know, there comes a time.

Like obviously, like I'm short too and people are starting to find out. Isn't that lovely? Like, I mean, honestly, isn't that just incredible? That just shows like etiquette online does not exist. You know how they say grief requires a witness? Yeah, grief demands a witness. I keep seeing comments from women

who find out that they miscarried. and the comments are like, hey, I watched this six months ago when you shared, you know, everything you went through. Gosh. And then they watch it back again and they're like, I'm going through this exact same thing. And it sucks and it's hard and I don't even know how to get out of bed in the morning. But I feel like that's why I feel like that's what we shared. Oh, no, 1,000 percent.

1,000 percent. Like that's the purpose. And also just like, like it's not something I'm like ashamed of. of and it's not something I want to keep a secret. And if there's anything I've learned from losing a pregnancy, like experiencing a pregnancy loss, especially late like that, like this is a life that I want to honor and like I want to fully experience and live every moment of. There's just like it just there's just a lot.

It's like, you know, I had a mom. I have a mentor that like has helped me so much. She lived a very similar experience to us. And she told me she was like, you have your pregnancy. before loss and you have your pregnancies after. They're just, there's just like a dividing line. And like, even in therapy, like, she's like, because I've like kind of expressed some like bitterness that I feel sometimes

with certain things like in my life now, like certain statements that people make so, like so unintentionally that I'm like, I don't want to feel this way. I don't think the rest of the world should like cater towards me because I've experienced this and I don't want to feel this sense of like, I do feel this like bitterness that I like I don't like it. And she's like, no, there's just like basically people that are living blissfully ignorantly and then people that have had that stripped away from them. And it's not because they want to, I would much rather be blissfully ignorant.

Trust me. Like I would much rather be better not. And that's not my life circumstances. So anyway, just like working through all kinds of things. And it's like there's just so anyone, any mom that's experienced this like just knows like pregnancy after loss is just so complicated. Why do I feel like I have experienced a similar thing where I feel like there was a part of me that used to be ignorant and blissful. You have. You have.

And now we're not. But I think there's witty it back there. Like I think it's like, yeah, you can know. Isn't it impossible? You don't think there is? Yeah, no. I feel like it's a mental practice, right? Like there's some people out there that have been through some horrific things and somehow they're able to like push through it.

No, but exactly. That's what you're doing is you're pushing through. You're carrying on despite the grief. But you're still carrying that with you. So I guess so I guess you can. still be blissful, but you're no longer ignorant. You understand. So you're blissfully aware. Blissfully aware. You're aware of all the dark effed up stuff. I'm not there yet for sure. But yeah, wow, what a journey it has been. And I feel like it's like weird because this was not a

secret per se. I just wasn't like this wasn't like I was like trying to, you know, can everyone to ignore me or like nothing. It's just like I was not ready to talk about it. You just needed space. And I think and I think even now like you're saying, it's scary to say it. Yeah. Yeah. Why are you, why are you serious? I'm still craving a little bit of space, but this is where we're at now. Like it's like, that's the thing about being pregnant is that there comes a point where even strangers know.

They're catching on you, babe. You got a really cute bump. It's adorable. It's okay. And I do, I really want to be full, like this is full transparency. It's like I'm doing this first and foremost to honor this. baby. And second of all, to honor the other moms that have, like, joined along in our journeys. Like, and maybe they've chosen to pursue another pregnancy or maybe they haven't, but I just want to

be like just candid in our experience just for their sake too. So. Well, let's, let's go all the way back to the beginning. Yeah, let's go back. There's a lot. We actually found out we were pregnant back in 2025. So to give a little to give a little recap immediately after we found out the horrific news about losing Emerson, we we knew we were going to try. Or actually no, I don't think maybe no, wait, did you know? Remind me. The first day, like when you found out, I was like, what is the, like, how can we make these next steps in a way that is most beneficial to her life and then also to my own fertility down the road? Because those are like, unfortunately, that's, the reality you have to accept in that moment.

And so it's like, yeah, that's not, you don't want to be thinking about a future pregnancy. Like when you're learning about, like you are seconds into just finding out that this pregnancy is like done. But that's the reality, like that you have to face as you're making these next steps and these decisions.

And so that was something that we always knew that we wanted. And they told us we had to wait. There was a period of time where we were advised to like abstain from trying just to get my health back to where it needed to be, and I think that we also needed that time mentally, for sure. And it's not like we arrived at some certain, like, spectacular mental state.

I think that very early on and grieving Emerson, I realized that this was, like, a lifelong, like, process. Yeah. So I was like, that's not necessarily, like, the major factor. I think we were major, the major factor afterwards was just, like, consulting our doctors about, like, my health and, like, being safe about everything. And so there was a period of time where we were not trying to. and then finally arriving to Thanksgiving of last year,

like we knew there was a possibility that we were going to be pregnant. And so we decided, or I decided, I think, I was like, we could take a test on Thanksgiving and it'll be a little bit early, but then like if it's positive, we'll be extra thankful on Thanksgiving or if it's negative. We'll just, it'll still be a great day because it's Thanksgiving day. And so we took a test that morning and it was negative. and we were like, well, shucks.

And I was actually more disappointed than I thought I was going to be. You were really down. I remember my parents asking, like, is Abby doing okay? Because you were not doing okay. Wow, I didn't know that it was showing. Oh, yeah. I mean, how could you not? You just went through a miscarriage and you want to be pregnant again and you're not pregnant.

And so I just feel like I did a lot that day still, though. So I was super sad for you. And it was just, yeah, I mean, it's, It sucks to see a negative pregnancy test when all you want to see is a positive pregnancy test. Well, I mean, also going into trying this time, like your first time trying post lost, my thought was, okay, I have been reminded, like, in a horrible way that our family planning is really not in our own hands. Like, it's outside of our hands.

And so if I get pregnant, this was what I was thinking. If I get pregnant, then it'll be great. If I'm not pregnant, then I feel like I won't hold it. I wouldn't have been as disappointed as I might have been before because I just am so freshly made aware that this is outside of my control. That wasn't the case. Like the negative really made me like disappointed. I think I was like holding out hope that like, okay, like I don't know. As short time possible, not pregnant, that will help.

Not the case. So then when it was negative, I was really bummed. Yeah. I'm not describing this well. And right. I'm already off to a bad. This is also right when we got a dog. So if you remember how we got a dog at the end of 2025, this was all at the same time.

We were trying for a baby. We decided to get a dog because it was hard. And the joy of having a puppy around was actually pretty cool. That was like a sweet thing to do. And I think it like it almost seemed like in your head you thought since you that first one was negative. I think in your head it was like, oh, this is going to be a really hard season of like negative pregnancy test. Right? Like, I feel like that's what, like, your mind at least was telling you. I don't know. I honestly, I think I, that our doctors gave us realistic expectations for like fertility after like everything that happened.

And so I feel like I wasn't necessarily going there yet because it was just our one negative test. But, um, I don't know. I think I was just down as it was anyway. And so this was just another thing, right? And so then we go to Vegas. It was my birthday shortly after that. December 1st. Yeah, and we had spent two nights in Vegas to celebrate my birthday because your parents were in town for Thanksgiving too. So they got, um, so they watched the kids while we went to Vegas for two days or like a day and a half, whatever it was.

And, um, we had a great time. It was really fun. And I felt like a lot better. Like just getting one-on-one time. I was like, you know what? This is great. Like, everything's fine. Like, sure, I wish I was pregnant right now, but, um, like, I don't know.

It was really good to connect with you and to like, like, I don't know. it was really good to connect with you and to like just have some time for rest and recovery, especially during the season of the holidays and like everything that happened leading up to the holidays and how the holidays were looking so much differently than we would have imagined. Like all these things, it just was really restful and great. Then I come home from Vegas and I'm like, well, that's so weird. I still haven't started my period. I was like, that's just really weird.

And, but then I was like also chalking it up to the fact that my body had been through so much. So then the night that we got home, I was like, wait, that's like kind of when it dawned on me. I wasn't, I genuinely was not thinking about it at all in Vegas. And then I took a, just like one of those cheap strip tests. And I was like looking at it in the light and I was like, I really feel like I see another faint line. Do you remember me bringing that downstairs to you? I want to say assault for the first month. I just watched the video back of us finding out.

No, that was, I'm talking about the night before that. Yes. Wait, yes, you're right. You took a strip test or something and you're like, this looks weird. And I'm like, uh. You were like, I don't see a line. I don't think there's anything to, you know, yeah, don't, don't overthink it. It's fine.

But like, you didn't think I was pregnant at that point. Yeah, I didn't think you're pregnant. And I was like, that is so weird because like, why there would not be a faint line. Even a, even the faintest of lines. If there, if it wasn't, you know what I mean? Supposed to be positive. And so I was like, that's so weird. Like that evening, I remember, like, still not thinking much of it.

We went to like a Christmas event with some friends. And then I was like, you know what? That's so weird. Next day still hadn't started my period. So I was like, I'll just do, I had one more digital test. And I was like, I'll do that. And then I think we're still up in the air whether or not we're going to share the video of us finding out. That test saying pregnant.

It was very anticlimactic. It was very anticlimactic. Because I was just rushing my teeth and like I was waiting for it to load. And it literally said pregnant. Yeah, we both were just confused. I was confused because of the way you presented it to me. You were like, it says I'm pregnant, but I'm not pregnant. Yeah, I totally didn't believe it.

Like, I was just like, I don't know what to say. The denial was 100%. Like if you would have asked me in that moment, even though I'm looking at a test that says pregnant, if you would have asked me if I was pregnant, I would have said 100% no. I don't know. I don't know. The denial was crazy. I just kept looking at the test and realizing,

wait a minute these tests are very accurate they're over 99% accurate my wife is telling me that she's not pregnant because of the scary stuff the trauma that we've been through but the test is staying pregnant and I'm there I'm like well babe if you're pregnant that's really dope like I I think it is I want to say it is and so eventually the mental gymnastics though of like negative positive faint lines like in my head the only thing's going through it were like chemical pregnant There's some weird lingering HCG from your from Emerson's pregnancy. Like there's just so many things that were like, I think my mind was ultimately just trying to protect me like from the reality of like what it was going to look like to be pregnant

after loss. Yeah. And the denial was crazy. But also my anxiety was at like 110 at this point. Like I remember that day I like couldn't eat and I couldn't think about anything else. Like that whole day I was just so messed up. I finally called my OB went in, did I go in that day or the next day? I want to say it was the day after or two days after, but they confirmed it.

They said you were pregnant. They ran all the tests, did everything official. And we knew. Remind me, who are the first people that we told? My mom, I told my mom. That day. Well, I told my mom that day because it was like, why is this test saying positive? Yeah.

Like, she was like, you probably are pregnant. And I was like, nope, you're wrong to. Like ever, I literally just didn't. I just kind of, yeah, I told my mom and I told my mentor. They were the only people that knew for like a long time and you. And our friends Mike and Ashley were over for dinner. And I would like offer, I think them wine or I wanted to know if like whoever wanted wine. And then somehow the way I like worded my question made it clear that you were not.

You were not obvious. I was too obvious. What did I say? What did I say that made it so obvious? You're like, Abby, you want wine? Oh. Oh. That's exactly.

That's. That's exactly what I did. Never mind. I was so dumb. I was like, Dave, do you want one? I mean, you probably don't want it. You don't want it. Maybe.

I don't know. Like, I should have just let you say, oh, I'm fine. Thank you for offering. And then nobody would have known that you're pregnant. But I was just an idiot. And then people, they knew. They didn't ask or anything. But they were our first friends to know just because I was freaking fumbled that.

Well, we didn't tell. Yeah. It wasn't like a conversation. You just were really awkward. Yeah. Story of my life. I know. It was fine.

And so, yeah. those early weeks, if I'm totally honest with you, that was just like mental warfare. Like I've never, I've never lost. Like I've never had an early miscarriage like that. But I just like every single day. Like, yeah. I was just waiting for something to happen. And so when at six weeks we were out of town with your family in Missouri and I started bleeding.

I was like, we'll see. That was scary. It was literally like I was just like, well. I forgot about that. I knew this was, oh, I certainly did not forget about it. It was like honestly seeing that, like, and experiencing that, I was like, not even surprised. Like, that's where my head was at so, so strongly. We were, we were in Missouri to go to Silver Dollar City, right?

And we had just told your parents. We went and did Silver Dollar City with our kids, with my parents. Yeah, we had just told them. They were asking about, hey, is Abby okay? She seems that maybe those were two different times. I think they knew something was wrong when you had taken the pregnancy test and it said negative and you were really bumped. And then they knew too when you were really worried about miscarrying because you were bleeding. It's terrifying.

And that day was just combined with so many things. Like having just told your parents and then also like not being home also made that worse. And then also we had close friends just in our personal life. That day tell us they're pregnant. And like at that point I was like for sure that we were in a little. longer pregnant so I was like oh my gosh like everything was just so heavy and so I was experiencing bleeding for the whole weekend while we were out of town and so when I got back in town I called my doctor and she's like well just come on in and we'll get you checked out and so at this point like my

head is like I mean I thought it was game over you know and went back in and they actually found a heartbeat which was so crazy because it was actually pretty early for that and they were like we didn't even expect to have a heartbeat or especially a heartbeat like this fast at this point. Like the heartbeat was looking like really good. And they found the source of the bleeding, which I know this is common. I had just never experienced it before. It's called a subcoital hemorrhage. I don't know the official term.

You would know better than I would. Something like that. And it's fairly common, especially mine's probably related to like all the procedures I had post Emerson's birth and everything that. happen with that. And so there was just some damage that had been done to my uterus, essentially. And that one of those clots had made, or not clots, one of those hemorrhages had made its way out, or were starting to make its way out. And so I still had another one that they were keeping an eye on at that point. And so I was just holding my breath because I was like, okay, I was prepared for more

bleeding at that point because I knew that they had spotted eyes on another one. I was just praying. I was like, please don't let it happen. My mental state cannot take it. Because by that, by the next Monday after that weekend, the bleeding had stopped or had really subsided. And so I was like, okay, well, that was a shock that the baby was okay. And then just like kept carrying on. So at this point, we were like not telling literally anyone because everything just felt like

literally so paper thin, so fragile, so scary. And I had never experienced that before in a pregnancy. and obviously this was my fourth pregnancy, so I was kind of like, you know, not prepared for weird random symptoms like that. But that's just because my body had been through so much, you know? I think it was one of those things where we were just waiting to get through the 17-week appointment, waiting for the 17-week appointment,

wanting to get there as fast as possible. And it felt like the more people that we told, the more we talked about it, the more it was on our minds. Like we just wanted the time to just, like if we could have snapped our fingers, we could have had some magic time machine just to teleport us to the 17 week appointment. That is what we wanted.

That's what my, that's what my instinct was. But that's actually what I was like working against like in therapy because. Okay. After experiencing. Yeah, what did you learn in therapy? Yeah. Like after experiencing loss, like the instinct for me personally, everyone's experience is going to be different obviously.

I'm just talking about my own personal experience with things. My instinct was to literally distract. the crap out of myself was to just like pretend I wasn't pregnant and to just go about my life and just like tried to not think about it. The problem with, and that's what I did for like the first little bit there because like that was just a defense mechanism essentially. But that does not work. Ultimately for so many reasons, but one of them is that it was giving me intense nightmares. Like I like, I told my therapist I was like, I just keep having like these terribly graphic nightmares. And she's like, well, a lot of that is probably because

you're having these like unprocessed emotions and fears throughout your day. And so the only time your brain has to sort through it is in the middle of the night when you're sleeping and it's like doing that. So then I was like, okay, I learned really quickly. Like I'm talking about like five weeks that that was not going to work. And so I, and then also it was like I have just been freshly reminded that we are not guaranteed anything when it comes to pregnancy. We are not guaranteed anything.

And that's a really unfortunate reality, a really terrifying reality. a really terrifying reality. But, like, until you lose the pregnancy, like, you don't wish that you... I don't know. How do I explain this? You just know that you have to enjoy every single day that you wake up and you're pregnant.

And so I knew that distracting myself was not what I wanted to do. I wanted to try to cherish and enjoy every single day that I got to carry this gift. And so I then really started. doing a lot of things. I started to, um, journal. I started to, even though like really early, like I would journal and like journal to the baby sometimes, like just short little bits. I didn't know that you were journaling to our baby. That's so sweet.

I have a notebook of it. It's a separate notebook. And I've never, I've never, I've never hear you read one of those. Or maybe you just want it to be for you. I've never read them to do you think you'd ever read it to our baby? I don't know. They're kind of dark some of them. And so, um, and then I got like a book for like, just like, there's a really great book. It's called like growing growing with purpose is what it's called. It's a really thin little book you can get on Amazon but they have like specific like bits of encouragement. So it's like say you have a scan today like this is a specific

bit of encouragement. Say you got good news at the doctor's day. Say you got bad news at the doctor's day. Like say you're like I don't know it has like it has something for every single day and I read that. And then also really early on obviously you don't have any kind of bump when you're five, six, seven weeks pregnant. But I would still put my hand on my belly and just like, that was like really connecting me with this baby. Because if I've learned anything, like,

I just did not want to, I didn't want to wish a single day away because, you know, you think when you find out you're pregnant that you're going to have nine months with that baby. And so it's like, oh, I'm living so I can, I got to get through this bit so I can get to the birth. And when you've never reached that finish line during your pregnancy, you know that every single day is a gift that you're pregnant.

And so I just wanted to live it and enjoy it and feel it every bit of it and know this baby as much as I possibly can't. I'm fine. By the way, I can just... You good? Yeah, fine. Here, use my sleeve. Let me just... No. Dab your eyes with my sleeve.

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Unplanned to 64,000. Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. I was given the advice from another, I'm going to call them lost moms because I feel like that's kind of the title that they have online sometimes. Um, from another lost mom, because I was like, I'm not, I don't want to do. Like, I, I don't, I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to go about this next pregnancy. It just feels so foreign, even though it's my fourth time doing it.

And, um, she's like, my advice is to know everything you can about this precious life for as long as you can know it. And so, for the first time then, at 10 weeks, we decided to do the NIPT blood work test. which would tell us the gender of the baby. Yeah. And we've always found out previously at the scan, or with Emerson, in her case, we found out the day that we found out she didn't have a heartbeat. And I learned through that that I never wanted to do it that way again. It's just not the way you want.

If you can at all help it, like I just wanted to know everything I could about this baby for as long as I could. And so for the first time we did that blood work. And you want to kind of tell that story? Yeah. Yeah, let's tell it. So do you remember? Did you black out everything? You know, it's been, it's been a world.

Like looking at the video of us finding out, I'm like, I forgot. That's how it happened. Yeah. Like in my brain, it was probably a happier discovery. But no, we're just confused. We were just confused. We've never done this before. We found out at, was it 10 weeks?

10 weeks, yeah. And it was really sweet. We had Abby's mom like put out. I emailed her. the results the morning I got them and you would not believe the like she was just so honored your mom was very honored. She was very honored so excited and I was teasing her I was like and that made me excited too I was like I was like it's a girl right I'm like you're like you I'm trying to get your mom to like spill the fill the beans on like what I know she's pretty good with her poker face

and she was good like she wouldn't she wouldn't cave she wouldn't give me information and so Abby and I went shopping for some flowers she didn't um Lori Abby's mom put the flowers like the color of the of the gender into our boys our boys who just carrying the flower and they just carried the flower up to us fake flowers yeah and we got pink and blue we couldn't find real ones we actually we actually vlog that experience we went to like a bunch of different stores it was fun everywhere that we went we could not find the flowers and so basically we just went outside that day it was literally just us my mom and our kids and we had both bouquets of fake flowers and then she handed the boys the appropriate color, you know, of the gender of the baby.

And you open your eyes first. Yeah. And then you told me. And it's funny too because we started telling a lot of people that, like we were wanting to keep it a secret. But we told my parents. We told my grandma. We told your parents. And then pretty soon we decided.

I think we decided on the name literally that day. Yeah. You said you gave like two different. ideas for the name and I'm like ah I like that one and I told you well because unfortunately we had already been in conversations about names you know yeah yeah since last June exactly and so then we had the name we made the mistake of telling our boys the name because then they just started telling everybody yeah yeah we didn't realize it was a little bit because we never told told told talked about telling people we were pregnant in general oh my gosh you're right yeah before we found out by accident I feel

wait what do you mean by that who found out by accident well first of all The first person that found out that wasn't, we told the grandparents immediately. Except for your grandma. No, no, no. I'm talking about like my parents and your parents. Ah, yes, yes. Yeah. Wait, okay, so we told our parents immediately.

Yes. So the grandparents are the baby. And then, well, I told my mom immediately and then she told my dad. And then your parents found out like when I was like, what? Yeah. Five weeks. It was really funny because the reason we told my parents when we did, we were riding roller coasters at Silver Dar City in Spring, in Branson, Missouri, and Abby wasn't going on a single ride.

Like, not only are you not able to do rides when you're pregnant, but even the ones that were pregnancy safe, you were skipping out on some of those, too. Like, you just, you just did not want to get anywhere close. I was experiencing bleeding. Yeah, and you're experiencing bleeding, so you were worried. That sucks that we did that fun experience while you were deep in fear. Not fun for you. The boys had a freaking blast.

Yeah, they had a great time. The boys, oh my gosh. And also that is a really great point to bring up. Having two little kids too is such a gift. And if you're like experiencing like this, because I get such a so much joy from them that it like, and so much levity. Like they're just like going about life.

But to finish this story, I could tell my mom knew that you were pregnant. She was just on to you because you would skip like six rides. And I'm like, okay, we're going to tell my mom before she tells my dad that she thinks that you're pregnant. And then my brother who's with us, he's going to know. And so we're on our on our way over to another ride.

And I have our tour guide because Silver Dollar City set us up with a tour guide who were guys to them, have her take a picture of us, but I just put it on video mode. And we told them that we were pregnant. And they freaked out. And of course, I knew my mom had like, she was on. She had been on to us for probably 20 minutes at that point because of the situation. It was really funny, though, because my dad is, he's so sweet. Like, my dad would share our YouTube videos with people before, like, anybody even watch

her YouTube videos. He'd shared him to his Facebook with his like Facebook friends. But this like there were some sweet girls who were happy to be walking by and had recognized us. And they got really excited because they heard that we were pregnant. This is back in December. So they've kept it a secret this whole time. Thank you to those people. But my dad goes up to them and he's like, don't tell anyone.

Got to keep it a secret. We're like, it's okay, John. My dad's like playing like the secret police out here just trying to tell all these sweet people that saw us announce to them. So anyway. But that was really. fun. It was a fun. We got to post that video. It was a fun little, fun little surprise for me. Well, and then the next person that found out, I'm pretty sure was your brother, your older brother, Caleb and Abby. Yes. My brother. My brother. Yes. So on Christmas, it was like, Christmas Eve service. You looked so hot, but you wore this, like, tight dress. And you can see like a team. Oh my gosh. You're making it look like I was scandalous at church. Well, I told you to wear it. I told you to wear it. Because you were like, babe, should I wear this? And I'm like, good. I was like, oh, my Lord, you look amazing. Wear that. And. And I was like, oh, my Lord, you look amazing. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And And you could barely see like the slightest teeny little bump. But it was so cute.

And I was just obsessed with you. I was like, wear that. You look like a goddess. Caleb realizes that you're pregnant. He's like, okay, is that you pregnant? No, on Christmas Day, he pulls you outside. Yes, we're all gathered together. Whole family's at our house.

And he said Abby's pregnant. Before Caleb could spill the game to his wife, I told you, I was like, babe, we've got to sell them right now. So, told then. Because he already got it out. He literally just looked at you and it was like, Abby's pregnant. And right around. that same time though because we were trying to we were trying to we were trying to we were trying to we

we had the rest of our family inside the house yeah we wanted to keep it a secret as long as possible but blake and addie addie our sister-in-law who's literally in the room with us right now she was on to us but wasn't saying anything because you were having food aversions while we were looking at christmas lights like anything that smelled slightly different than like the air i don't know just anything just any smell at all that was just a funky smell you're like oh i can't let's be clear what was the smell what was it you were smelling. It was Blake's chicken wings. Oh, because we did charcutory boards for Christmas. Yes. And Blake did a chicken wing one. You were like, oh, I can't eat that. Oh, this is so, and they knew. Did I do that? Wow. So dramatic. You were being, it was okay. You were being dramatic,

but I was like, ah, they know. It wasn't that it was like a secret. It was just like, it honestly felt still felt at this point that it was like not real. I don't know how to explain that in any other way. Like it was just, it just felt so not real at that point. I'm sorry. Can we just pause real quick? You have the most incredible calves. Can you just show off your cows? You clearly were a ballerina. Look at those calves. My goodness. Meaty.

Those have, show the camera. They look amazing. Also, you got to show the bump. Show your bump. Go ahead and stand up. Let's see a little close up of Abby's bump. A little side profile. Wait, more to the side.

Turn, turn, turn. Oh, go, this, do this. Middle, middle camera. Aw. My baby. Your bump is adorable. I love your bump. Thank you.

What we're saying? Okay. Just to say it wasn't a secret, just felt like nothing was for certain for so long because we had so many just. We were also treating this pregnancy so differently as far as like my doctors were that it just all felt so uncertain like more than ever. So we were just waiting until we knew things were good. And I guess like that is something that I've learned is that that's not really a place that you arrive at in pregnancy after loss. Like there's never like a arrival point of. like, ah, this deep side of relief, like, it just doesn't happen. And so I think once I came to

terms with that, I was like the whole, like everyone can know that is in our personal life. Why is it that now I literally could, I, like, I feel like if you, if you really wanted to have like seven children, I would be like, okay, let's do it. Let's do it. Like, I feel like we've, I feel the same way. I feel this, like, we've reached this, like, level of maturity and this level of love and our relationship where growing our family is one of the most beautiful things I've ever gotten to experience in my life. And doing that with you has been, there's just no words.

There's just no words you can put into it. That's sweet. Oh, I think now we just realize more than ever how precious, like, what a gift it is, how precious it is, how, just like, what a miracle it really is. Like, I just remember feeling like after we lost Emerson, I remember just like literally going about my life in public. And I was like, how are there so many people in the world? Like, I was just like, all these people were once a fetus.

and that just blew my mind. And I'm like, and they're here. Like, what, how incredible is that? And so, um, yes. So then, I guess, so yeah, family started to find out. And it was different than it's ever been telling people because obviously like, yeah, it's just everything, every single thing is different this pregnancy. And so we started to tell people and that honestly helped a lot.

And I almost think that I'm like, I should have. told them sooner but I was just so like I was literally drowning in fear and so but once family started to know and friends started to know it started to feel like I could like maybe they could I don't know shoulder some of the burden of fear and just like make it actually so I could feel a little bit of excitement who is someone that you told that made you feel at peace with everything so maybe like a friend or a family member well everyone I told like it all felt really good but especially on Christmas, like telling Abby, like, because that was the first. Yeah, you guys were crying.

Yeah, it was the first, like, it was the first, non-parent that I had told. Yeah. And, like, it just felt like everything was just like a little lighter after telling her. And so, um, then, yeah, just kept going about life and going to a lot of appointments. Yeah, I don't remember because I had experienced a little bleeding, they were like, kind of, like take it a little bit easier in the gym. So I think me, like my behavior changing the gym, like a lot of my friends are from the gym. They started to notice.

But no one was asking, which I appreciated too, obviously. I feel like that's just respectful afterwards until I was ready to talk about it. And so some people, just because of circumstances, like it didn't feel like there was like a, I remember just telling you all the time. I'm like, I don't want a hoopla. I just don't want a big hoopla. Yeah, tell me more about your decision to keep it private for so long, but maybe not. I just didn't want the attention of it as much.

it well because like at the gym i i noticed i i would notice like again you looked so really ridiculously beautiful in your your gym entire but it was clear that you had a bump and so i didn't know how you felt about you know post going out of you working you know doing a workout oh that's fine your bump being seen it was fine if people knew i just didn't want like a bunch of attention you just didn't you just didn't want to like address it yourself you just wanted to keep it i wasn't ready to talk about it. Just because of the grief and the fear. That was the thing.

Totally. I just wanted more space to like process how I was feeling. I felt like I was like kind of drowning every day. And then also like just struggling with like how to even feel, how to even be. I wanted to also just like collect my thoughts too. And I feel like I'm at that point where I'm like more collected about it. And so. I think that's just because of the stage we've reached because of a common question people

are going to ask. Like it's the most common question that anybody ever asked when you say you're pregnant is, how far along are you? So how far along are you? Yes. Now, at the time you see this, I'll be 20 weeks. But at the day of filming, I'm 19. We're almost over halfway. 20 weeks will be over halfway.

By the time you guys are watching this, we will be over halfway. So that was a big role too, like especially wanting to go public about it. I really wanted that space for when we got to that 17 week mark. I wanted that space from like, you know, online. all that that comes with it because I just knew those were going to be a really hard week. And boy, were they ever, those weeks were actually harder than I even anticipated. So like week 17 and 18, I was just like, I don't know, freaking basket case. Yeah, 17 was horrible.

The day, the day of the 17 week appointment, I was trying to keep it together for you. Oh my gosh. I was just so scared. Really? You didn't act scared at all. Because I couldn't. I had to be a rock. I feel bad.

I'd be your tough guy. And I want to be your rock. and you're tough guy. I want to be, I want to be the man that you can always lean on and come to for safety. You were,

I didn't even know you were scared. I'll do whatever I need to do. You were scared at that appointment? Of course. Of course. Oh, that sucked so much. What's the scariest part. Oh, fudge sickles.

Yeah. Don't, I'm trying to not cuss as much. Fudge sickles is good. Sometimes, sometimes I cussed now. Oh my God. We're in the, we went to the freaking room that we found out we lost Emerson. Same room.

It was the exact same room. Same, same office. My heart was just bo, bo, bo, like, I was like, frack, we, oh, I hate this. And thank goodness, like, well, here's the other thing. We had to wait in the waiting room for like 30 minutes because they had like a, like a surprise appointment or something. Like something came up and there was a scheduling thing. And it was nobody's fault at all.

But we had, yeah, we had never waited longer. You, I felt horrible too. I wanted to drive you to the appointment, but I'm trying to, I weigh more than I've ever waged. I'm trying to lose weight. So I went on a run that morning. I got home 20 minutes before the appointment started and you had already left the house because I think you just needed to get out of the house. I think you just needed you just needed to free your brain and so I got there. I was in the waiting room five minutes before your appointment started but I think you had gotten there like 10 minutes before your appointment started and then we didn't get in until over 30 minutes after the appointment so we were just in the waiting room for nearly 45 minutes and just to give you some idea into my head like you walking into that

same ultrasound room. Like that was you reliving a bad experience. When I have to explain to you like my body doing this again it's like my body is reliving like a bad experience constantly. And so especially when I started getting to 17

and 18. I remember just talking to therapy. I was like I thought I was past this. Like I kept saying like I thought I was like doing so good. Like I feel like I was doing better. And then there's this like saying in like therapy or psychiatry. I don't even know. But like the body keeps the score.

Have you heard of that? It's so true. Like my body knew that when I had gotten to this stage of gestation, that things did not go well. And so like I just was like wracked with anxiety. Like I mean, so bad. Like it was so hard to do a lot of things that were normally like not a big deal, you know? Just going through the day was really hard. And I just remember just thinking like, if I can just get to 18, if I can just get to 18,

I can just get to 18, and I can just get to 18. And I got to, so we went to that 17-week appointment, and maybe was good, and we both started crying, I think. I for sure did. And then, and what's funny is, like, that day, my doctor has been so tender with us and very considerate. She was like, okay, that's 17-week appointment, I know that's going to be a hard one, so I'm going to schedule an extra scan that day. So you can see, baby. And I have had so many scans already just because of everything that had happened because of prior, like, you know, with our loss, had so many scans. And so in my head, I was like, I'm for sure going to cancel that for like, I just won't need it.

Yeah. As we got closer and closer to that appointment, I was like, there is no chance and this bloody earth that I'm going to cancel that. Like, we needed it. The additional one was that 18 weeks? 17 weeks. Yeah. And so I'm so glad we had that because that rest of that day was very, very good. And then I felt comfortable to plan the gender reveal.

And so that, like that very same day, we started to actually put things in motion for the gender reveal. Yeah. Which is good because it was going to be like a week or so after that appointment. And so, yeah, I think, yeah, literally was like a week and a half after that. So I was like, we like had to pull that together last minute, which I'm sure like all our friends and family was like, why did we just find out about this literally a week and a half before it happened or like a week before it happened or a matter of days it was just because it felt like I mean to be truthful like we were planning the gender reveal when we found out we lost our last pregnancy so like it just felt like if I were to do these things then something were to go wrong and I feel like that's something else I've been really working through a lot is that like I've called them superstition and I don't really know that that's like exactly what it is I think it's just like serious fear but like not wanting to do the things I did before in a way to prevent the same outcome from happening. What are,

even things that were illogical. Tell me more about your superstitions because I knew about the gender reveal one. I knew that you were holding off on the gender reveal one. And I was like, if I plan it, then something's going to go wrong. So you waited literally the last minute to plan it. Other things were like our kids coming to doctor's appointments. Ah. Like I was like because they were.

Have they been to a single one? They haven't. Like, they were at the appointment when we found out we lost. Emerson so I was like in my head which is kind of a blessing honestly it was but illogically my head I was like if they come then we're going to get bad news like it's just not it's so illogical but that's just like where I'm at you know yeah and so that was another there's more than that too there's so many more yeah I like the the even you coming to appointments like I just wanted to go by myself yeah it's so weird what yeah what's crazy is the one where we found out that

immersion. That was like we'd had so many appointments already at that point. I almost didn't even come because I was like, oh, we're good. Abby's got this down. And then thank goodness I came. Oh my gosh. Thank goodness you came. Yeah. But so yeah, I've just been struggling with a lot of these. And I feel like superstition, like I was using that word, but I do feel like it kind of minimizes the fact that it's just like, it's just deep, deep fear that like you just have to kind of become comfortable with in a pregnancy after loss. Like, I think it's unrealistic to think that you could have like none, you know? Yeah.

Can we talk about something happy? Yes, let's talk about something happy. What's something happy and joyful? The gender reveal party was so happy. It was amazing. So we had over 50 people at our house for the gender reveal. Yeah, and like 25 kids under three years old. Yeah, a bazillion little kids running around.

You looked absolutely stunning in your dress. That's so fun. So, so pretty. It's so fun. that like that was a huge thing too like knowing the baby's gender meant that we could give the baby a name and giving a baby a name gives the baby humanity and like that was just felt like such a great experience like and for all of our friends and family to know like has been oh it's just it feels like it feels like it feels really good to be like where we're at now now it doesn't mean

that like yeah talk about something good i'm going negative again to keep to keep the conversation on a positive moment. Abby did an incredible job putting out this party. She hired a local coffee shop to come and make pink and blue lattes for everyone in attendance. We have a lot of LDS or what you may know as Mormon friends that were there as well. So Abby thought of them. She had chocolate milk and lemonade. And lemonade at the coffee stand, which is so sweet.

A local balloon artist did the balloon arch. Addie's friend, chat, A-Z, what is it? Party Co. AZ Party Co. Is that right? So sweet. Our sister-in-law's friend, AZ Party Co, did all the balloons. In the backdrop. It looked so good.

We had Chick-fil-A chicken minis. We had dessert. Chunk Bakery did so many delicious pastries. I'm... A local business called Chunk Bakery. I'm dying. The best, they're like a family-owned local bakery. And they are the sweetest ever.

The aunts got so many of them. We ate a ton of pastries at the party, but then I went to go... We were so excited to eat the leftovers. I went to go eat. I went to go eat a leftover pastry the next day. No, later that same day. Was it the same day? Yes.

It was covered in ants, you guys. Sad. We have an ant problem out of our house. We need to, like, I'm so sick of these ants. They loved those pastries. I probably should need to pay for pest control at this point is probably what it is. Because I put out ant traps, but it doesn't seem to do anything. So.

Anyway. Party was freaking awesome. It was really fun. It was a great day. It was a great, great day. It felt like more than anything, like I've said this before, but like, gender feels, I'll be the first to tell you, they're kind of silly. Like it's just like what does it really matter the gender of your baby?

Like it's just it's just a celebration of life. It's just an excuse to throw a party. Just an excuse to have a party and then just to honor the life and the pregnancy and everything. Can I tell you a funny idea I have? Maybe I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this idea in the comments. But you know how some people do these like wild over the top gender reveals? Like there's some where they have drones in the sky announcing the gender. Our friend Nicole, the nomad, not realizing it.

I guess like a firework company wanted to be. go above and beyond for her at her gender reveal. It looked like a freaking nuclear like firework went off. She had no idea was going to be that huge. So, so big. But I kind of want to like recreate something like that with AI and make it look like, I think it would be funny if we've hosted an AI, like our Matt Nappy gender reveal and then you see like a plane like go through the sky and drop just like, I think it could be fun. Don't do it. But we just did the little poppers. We just had little boop. And every time we do a gender reveal, I feel like you can't ever figure out I never get it.

This time you did it yourself, though. This time, I took you like five seconds, but you eventually figured it out. Yeah. Well, I'm saying that throwing that party was like against everything that my subconscious was telling me to do.

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It's wild that this is the fourth time we've done this and it's wild. Even navigating that alone feels so like I've put so much thought into it, but it just feels so complicated too. Like this being like does this make a baby number four? Does this baby still baby number three before pregnancy? Like trying to just navigate that also feels messy and complicated and we'll just do whatever feels like the best for us. and like, you know, all of it has just been, just been tricky.

All that being said, though, last week we had the 18-week appointment. Yes. Well, it's normally at 20 weeks. Okay, normally at 20 weeks. We had it early at an facility that deals with high-risk pregnancies. We're just being extra safe. Abby's doctor thought it'd be smart. It's called a maternal fetal medicine doctor.

Yes. So with our history, you know, we're just doing extra appointments, double-checking everything. And thank goodness we did because while the baby is happy and healthy, we found out last week that Abby needs to be on pelvic rest. So it's described for people that don't understand pelvic rest, what that is, how long you're on pelvic rest? Let me start from the beginning. This was at the anatomy scan, which we did at 18 and a half weeks. It can happen anywhere between 18 and 20, but since we were going to like this high risk specialty doctor, they have like a ton of really good equipment. And also they are checking.

So I think the standard human or the standard anatomy scan is checking for like 20 different structures but the one of the maternal fetal medicine doctor they're looking at over 40 structures. So they're doing an extra thorough job of the scan that everybody gets. And they did notice that the placenta

is in a less than ideal position. So basically the way the doctor, he was really great at describing this. He even got out an expo marker and like drew a diagram for us. But basically they're looking for the placenta to attach itself to the upper half of the uterus. And that's because that's obviously the afterbirth

for a reason you don't want it to be close down low to your cervix because you don't want that to come out first like when you're delivering maybe. So they wanted to be in the upper half. Our placenta is in the lower half and it's a little too close to the cervix that they like to see. And so they have recommended pelvic

grass, which I know that this is not entirely uncommon. I actually know other people that have like had this similar thing. And it's not actually not too far off from where they want it to be. It's actually just literally a fraction of a centimeter. But like that's the reality is that they're, I'm glad

they're looking for that and I'm glad they're being extra caophistic. So they did recommend a form of pelvic rest or basically like I can't do any high intensity workout. So at this point I'm literally just going on walks and we also cannot have any intercourse for the next several weeks. Which is brutal. I know.

Especially when you look this good. Matt literally left the office and he goes, which one's worse in your opinion? And I was like, I don't feel like I should answer that question. But yeah, so it is just like very, you know, we're open about that type of thing over here. That's a different. This is a change for us. Yeah. And so obviously, obviously, we are just so grateful that the baby is healthy.

That has been like just our biggest hope. And that was just such a release like of fears to get to that appointment. And to get through that appointment with a positive result was great. It was like a little bummer that there was like this other thing to think about. Because I just wanted to like just like have a deep side of relief and like move on. But now there's this lingering thing that we had to have a follow-up for and we have to keep thinking about it and hoping that it moves its way upward a bit and things like that when we've never had to think about something like that.

And so it is a little bit like a bummer, if I'm totally honest, a little frustrating. What was he saying about the placenta being too close to the cervix? We need to like let it get higher up. We also don't want the placenta to, it would not be good if the placenta detached. So you're being extra careful, extra cautious. Yeah. But what's the thing about like he said something about like one point. 7 millimeters or something.

Do you know what that exactly meant? Yeah. So basically I think they're looking for it to be like over two centimeters away from the cervix. Away from the cervix. Why though? Oh, because it could fall through. No, no, no. I don't know.

He didn't go. He was very kind. He did not go into like all the worst case scenarios of it. Because I don't think he was also too concerned. Like he was like this is not too far off from where we wanted to be like we're just going to keep an eye on it. But I think that the risk is if it goes, my assumption, I'm not a doctor. My assumption is that if it goes.

over the cervix area. It, first of all, isn't great for delivery, but then also it can lift if that cervix opens. Yeah. And, which it's going to, like, later on in pregnancy. And so, and that's definitely not good if the placenta is not, like, fully attached to the uterine wall. So, we're not too concerned about it at all, but it's just something to think about

and something to be extra cautious about, which we are more than happy to do whatever we have to do, you know. Yeah. I feel like I'm in high school again, you know. Why? Because we're just, yeah. Because I'm just like, I'm like, I'm next to this extremely attractive woman and we can't even do anything. Such a bummer.

Such a bummer. We just have to kiss. We actually did kiss a long time the other day. It was for like 30 seconds. It was amazing. What? Anyway. Yeah.

So I guess that's like the full update. Oh, so we do know the gender of the baby. And we're probably going to, I don't know when we're going to help the internet. We need to decide when we're telling people. Yeah. Next week. We'll announce the gender to you guys soon. We'll announce the name at some point.

When the baby's born. Probably when the baby's born. But. And, oh, okay, my due date. The due date is August 11th. Which is Abby's dad's birthday. Yeah. I'm not funny?

Well, and Augie's birthday is August 10th. That crazy that, like, Abby's dad has the due date. Breel's birthday, August 18th. We just really have a bunch of birthdays. So many. So many. So many. Yeah.

Well, you know. Okay, what I'm, what I did tell you, we tried to avoid that originally. For the fifth pregnancy, whenever that happens, I think we should time it to where you'll have a big bump around Halloween. Because I think it'd be so funny. Matt has been thinking about this so much. I think it's so cute. I'm really into you pregnant. And I think it'd be so cute if you had like, I could paint your belly to be a watermelon, a basketball, like so many different things.

It would just be hilarious. Matt has been thinking about this nonstop. Honestly, you have done such a good job of like helping me feel comfortable. being pregnant. I just love you. Like you first of all make me feel beautiful when I'm pregnant. Like especially now more than ever, but then also just like constantly like validating this pregnancy and such. Like it makes it just feel so much safer like that I am pregnant now. I'm really excited to meet her kid. And you've been so excited like about the baby like you being like a hundred and fifty percent excitement about everything has made it feel like I can like be more

excited myself. Yeah. That makes sense. And so like just I'm so grateful like to have you like. through this pregnancy and always through everything. But like you've been such a help through all this. The thing that we need to figure out is if and when we're doing a baby moon because I so want to. I love baby moons. I think they're so fun. And I think we just do a short little trip like we've done in the past.

Not too long if you don't want to be away from our kids. If we're gone for kids like more than two days, we get really sad. We miss them. Two days is maximum. We usually switch our flight so we can get home to our kids. I know. It's just sad. But yeah, I think we should plan like a short like weekend.

getaway and maybe like we fly my mom out to hang with our kids while we're gone or something. I don't know. We'll figure it out. Potentially. Yeah. I love baby moons though. How did you guys tell you were pregnant? Wait, yeah, how did we tell the boys that we were pregnant? I think we like, did you just tell them? I feel like you just said it. We just told them from the beginning. Yeah. Yeah, well, I just didn't want to make it a big thing too because I, this has happened and I was anticipating it. Like, confusion. Like, and they have had confusion, you know. Yeah. And we've had a talk to about the miscarriage. We've had to explain to them why mom was pregnant and then she wasn't.

Now she's pregnant again with a new baby. And I think the simplest way to explain to a three-year-old what happened is that, you know, Emerson's body stopped working, which then, of course, Griffin's next question was, is my body going to stop working? And then is this baby's body going to stop working? Which is scary. But, you know, I think there's always age-appropriate ways to talk about these things and it doesn't have to be.

And I also don't think little kids have that fear. attachment to it yet. You don't need to go into detail for them either. Like you say, oh, baby's body stopped working and then it's kind of like, okay, like it's like they don't really ask follow-up questions. And if they do, then you can just say, well, yeah, eventually everyone's body does stop working. And then, I don't know. Well, it's been really helpful to have a name for this baby too. And I feel like we waited also until we had a name more. Yeah. And we're like, oh, yeah, like we just call the baby by name. And they do too. And yeah, they're very excited. I feel like also our kids are very chill. Like they're not like they they're just they're very chill kids. They're very laid back

easygoing and they're excited but also like they have no concept of like how long a pregnancy is. Has it already been a week since we found out you need to be on public rest? No. Oh my gosh. Gosh we have so much more time. We're going to get through it though. It's been like four days man Howard. Yeah I know. You've been going out and your walks do you enjoy walking now or is it just kind of eh? It's eh. It's a. It's a. I'm going to learn to love it. I've been listening to audiobooks. Any fun audiobooks you're listening to? I know.

Nothing. Nothing that good. You can't recommend it. No. But no, we're made the most of it. It's great and we'll just do what we have to do. Yeah. How do you feel about your hormones this time?

Do you feel different than you have? I feel like the answer is yes. I do, yeah. I feel like I've been different. Yeah. Well, first of all, I love my bump growing. I love it, too. I love every single bit of it.

And we're feeling kicks. You've been, You started feeling kicks like a week ago. I feel kicks at 17 weeks, you guys. I feel like that was like the sweetest like little blessing to feel kicks. Yes. So early. And that was like such a gift.

How did you know it was a kick? You can tell. You can tell. But like it's just like a little vibration sort of thing. Like it almost feels like a heart. No, it feels like a little tiny foot just like. Because when I felt it, you described it as it almost feels like a beating heart in a way. Like a heartbeat.

Maybe I didn't feel a kick. Maybe I said it feels like a pulse. Like it's just like a little. Yeah. That's what I felt. I felt a pulse. Yeah. Kind of, yeah.

Yeah. And so we've been feeling kicks as of like 17 weeks, which was very early. And it was like undeniably what that was. And now I like this morning I woke up and I like felt even more than like a kick. I felt like a movement of sorts. And so that has been such a gift, like such a relief. So so amazing to experience and to feel like I'd have no like any body changes I'm experiencing. I'm like, yes, yes, I welcome them.

because that means that baby's growing and that's all we want. I don't know. I think we should keep the rest of light because I was going to say other things that I can't do this pregnancy that I was able to do all my other pregnancies. I don't know.

Like I'll never download the pregnancy apps probably ever again. Yeah. I don't know. I just have a weird attachment to those. Not an attachment. Like a weird reaction to those. Like not to be...

I don't want to be dark. I don't want to be negative. but like on those apps a lot of times they have like a graphic of like what baby looks like in your womb currently, which I think is incredible that they have that. But also we have had like a very realistic view of what a baby looks like at that gestation. And yeah, I don't want to see the apps. Also it just feels like you're banking on something happening like that you're like, I'm not guaranteed to be able to scroll. you know, to 30 weeks, 35 weeks, and get to that point. Like, I don't know.

Just so many confusing feelings about pregnancy apps, which I'm like, I don't have to download those. It's totally fine. It's totally fine. I always know how far along I am. There's never a point where I'm like, because I've seen some moms that have multiples to be like, I don't even know how far along. I don't even know blah, blah.

Like, that I can't relate to literally at all. Like, I know how many weeks and how many days I am every single day. and you know that's totally fine it's just a little different than before um what are other different things finding out super early the gender was different yeah also not trying to distract myself i feel like i always tried to distract myself through pregnancy don't want to do that definitely don't want to do that i really want to fight against that and like enjoy every single day and view it as a gift and i do and on the days that it's like really really hard like i'm talking about like week 17, I like, oh, I actually talk to the baby, like when I'm by myself. And so that really

helps to do it. I haven't heard you talk to her baby. That's sweet. It's just embarrassing. That's not embarrassing. That's not embarrassing. That's beautiful. But that would be my advice to like a mom that's pregnant after loss too is like really just do everything you can to just try to stay present and connected to your pregnancy. You know what just made, what talking about you being pregnant made me think of what? How Griffin asked us for the first time how babies are made. Yeah, that was interesting And I just kept I said it in the simplest way

I said well I really just said Would a mommy and daddy love each other very much Essentially Mommy gets pregnant Yeah I just said Mom me and Daddy love each other

I think we could Revisit that Yeah I know But that was enough for him And that was enough He was like all right You guys love each other So if mom got pregnant

Yeah It was really You know he was like But how did the baby get in your belly That was the question And I was like... What did I say? Well, I feel like we were talking about it.

And then that, it naturally led him to that. Like, I don't think he would have like ever arrived there on his own. Yeah. Like, you're like, do you know that mommy loves mommy so, so much? Yeah. And that like, oh, you said, did you know that we grew you in her belly? Oh, yeah. I said, I told Griffin that we made him.

So we made you. Yeah. And then he's like, well, wait a minute. How did the baby get in mommy's belly? Yeah. And I said, mommies and daddy's make babies through love. Yeah, something like that. Yeah.

So, you know, that was. enough for him. Yeah. Well, wait. Well, yeah. That's, that will be a conversation for another day. it was a very smart and intelligent question but i think just keeping it as simple and as age appropriate as possible is the way to do it i don't but i also don't like i don't like it i don't want to lie and i don't like when parents are like don't ask the question i don't want to make it taboo or anything yeah you don't want to make it taboo but like i think that that was very age appropriate i think it's important though to to for you as the parent to be the one telling your kids how this stuff works totally because think about it like they discover all this stuff from kids at school

I had a lot of misconceptions because I never had a sex talk. Or a movie that they're, like maybe they learn it from movies and TV or some, a lot of confusion. A lot of some wacky kid at school that like has a bunch of older siblings and they know my own anatomy at the time of getting my period. That's crazy. You had no idea you had more than one. I didn't know there were three.

Holes. That's crazy. Genuinely didn't know. That's pretty remarkable. That is remarkable. That is awesome. That is remarkable. I love that for you.

But yeah, I mean, I just think that you talk to your kids about it and you want And as uncomfortable as it is, I think diving into the discomfort and being okay with that just for the betterment of your child is important. Right? We're going off on a tangent. Yeah, I definitely am. But yeah, I think you told me a year ago that you did not want to do another summer pregnancy in Arizona. And guess what? We're back.

You're doing another summer pregnancy in Arizona. How are you planning to stay positive to keep? cool to not overheat when it's like 120 outside what's your game plan i'm just so grateful to be pregnant that i'm like i don't i'll do it any time of year i'll do it however i have to do it under any circumstances yeah so what's the gap we're going to go for between baby number three well this is baby number four but i guess what should we even say like when people ask us about our kids do we say like yeah we have one in heaven and then two here and one on the way i just always just just consider the person that i'm to. Yeah. Right. So if I'm like talking to a stranger and they say that I have two boys and that I'm

pregnant, I'm like, oh yeah, maybe number three. Like, you know, there's no reason. But I, I actually am surprisingly comfortable to tell random people all the time, like, oh, yeah, we had a loss after them. And so, like, this is our pregnancy after loss. Like, and that was a girl. And I, like, tell them, like, I feel like, and I do that if it's another, like, mom. Yeah. Or another dad, like a parent. Like, I'm like, they know. they've done this so I just have to yeah I don't know it's just I navigate this like if it's friends and family for sure I'm talking about it in the sense of number four because I know it definitely bothers you when people make the mistake of saying how's your third pregnancy and it's like it's not it's not it's not your third birth I'm like it's actually my fourth birth yes you've you've already given birth

three times yeah two of them two of them were live vaginal yeah well it's called live birth And then one was not. It's complicated, right? And it's messy. And I just feel like I don't expect everyone in my life to, you know, no, always have the perfect right thing to say at that given moment. Because also it changes within me. Like what feels right.

It's just like, but I also don't feel the, like I can also speak up, you know, and help everyone out, you know, to qualify. Well, guys, I think that is enough for today. That is certainly enough. are so, so grateful, so excited. If you've been here since the beginning, I know there's been some of you that have been watching, listening, tuning in since the beginning of this podcast

or even since the beginning of our YouTube channel and TikTok back in 2020, thank you for being here. And to those of you that have left a review for our podcast, thank you. I want to read a review from Kate 109. This is a review that she left on Apple Podcast, and it says, I'm so grateful for how the two of you show up and tell your story. I enjoy listening every week at the end of the last episode.

Abbeys, that's all I have, broke me. Thanks for being so vulnerable. I know it's helping many. And wow, that was really sweet. So thank you for leaving that review. We try to just keep it as real as possible for you guys here because we want to just. Because we're actually just real. We're just, we're just people.

We're just, yeah, we're just a couple of dudes making, making, make. Can I say one more thing? We do videos online. Yeah, what's up? I just want to say this. Like, our decision to pursue another pregnancy after pregnancy loss was fully out of evaluating was it worth the cost. Yeah. And when I looked at Emerson's like pregnancy and like short little life, as painful as it was as like life changing as that was.

ultimately it was worth the cost in my mind. Like it was worth the cost of everything that we went through to get to carry her for 17 weeks and evaluating this, pursuing this current pregnancy. Looking at the potential of getting to carry another baby and getting to hopefully meet this baby on the day that this baby is born alive and healthy, that was worth the cost for it.

us. And so if you're a mom that has experienced loss and you're looking at everything that's happened to you and everyone's circumstances and experiences are different, if you're looking at that and you're just coming to the conclusion, it's not worth it. There is no judgment. That is totally valid that you feel that way. We're just sharing our story and that for us, that was worth the cost. The potential of experiencing loss again, as fearful as it was, it's been worth, it's worth it. It's worth it. And so that's why we felt comfortable trying what we did, trying and trying when we did, is because we just had really thoughtfully evaluated all of it.

Like all the pain, all the fear compared with the joy and the gift of pregnancy and potential, like, growing our family and like all that, it was worth it. So I just want to add that there for the mom that's listening that's like, I just cannot reconcile doing this, possibly doing this again. And that is totally valid. I want you to understand that you don't need, this isn't necessarily the right, quote unquote, right way to do things or the most healed way to do. Like, it's just what was right for us, given everything. So I just wanted to say that too.

And also, like, all I can do is just picture the day that we get to hold this baby in our arms. And that really is just keeping us going. Just hearing that cry, being the hospital, holding that baby, having our boys meet this baby and taking this baby home is just like, like literally just like the vision that we just can't like that we just keep imagining in our heads to get us through each day. So yeah. Yeah.

I'm like crying so much this episode and it's like supposed to be so happy and it is but obviously like it's so complicated. So yeah. And yeah, the people that get it get it. I really know that. Like I really know that. Well, guys. Thank you.

We'll see you in the next one. And as always, peace out. This time of year, the school calendar really starts to fill up, spring activities, testing season, and that final push toward the end of the year. It's a great moment for kids to stay focused and build confidence in what they're learning. That's where IXL comes in. IXL is an award-winning online learning platform that helps kids truly understand their schoolwork, from math and reading to writing and science. It's designed for pre-K through 12th grade, with personalized interactive content that adapts to each child's level and pace. I-Xcel makes it easy to stay on track with instant feedback and clear explanations,

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