The Vault with Financielle - ”I earn more than my boyfriend and it’s starting to cause tension…” | The Vault Episode 82

Episode Date: September 17, 2025

Send us a text“Proposals are starting to look like PR stunts instead of personal milestones” - we unpack this week’s controversial opinion, then dive into your dilemmas:💸 ”Should You Relocate for Better Earning Potential?”💸 ”I earn more than my boyfriend and it’s starting to cause tension…”Got a money win or (totally anonymous) dilemma? Share it via the Financielle app community or email [e-mail] 💌You’re not alone in figuring this stuff out. Get honest, helpful reads at financielle.com 💖💸Connect with our Partners🐝 Consolidate your pensions with PensionBee (capital at risk)🫶 Protect yourself and loved ones with our friends at Lifesearch✍ Write a will that is tailored to you with Octopus Legacy🏡 Meet our Financielle approved Mortgage Brokers💸 Commission-free investing* with Trading 212 (capital at risk)🛒 Cashback on your shopping with Jam Doughnut (use code FINC)*The above are tracked links, which tells our partners we sent you and may in future result in a payment or benefit to our site.The Vault is an entertaining yet thought provoking podcast that answers our community’s dilemmas and confessions surrounding women and money.Visit https://www.financielle.com to download our app.Watch the podcast on YouTube.Follow Financielle for more:▶︎ TikTok▶︎ InstagramAbout Financielle:Financielle is a female focussed finance app helping women to take back control of their money, ditch debt, increase savings and invest in their future.Recorded and Produced by Liverpool Podcast Studios▶︎ Web ▶︎ Instagram▶︎ LinkedIn

Welcome to The Vault with Finance Child. This is a safe space where we talk all things life and money and no topics are off limits. How do everybody? Hello. Good morning, good morning. Oh, I started the episode again with clothing, sorry. It's all we do. It's all we do.

It's like, oh, what we've got on today? It's nice to know. Give the people what they want. What are we wearing? What are we feeling? What's the weather? I've got a white jeans on because we're inside because of why would you ever wear? but they're getting

tight and tighter because my thigh muscles are getting bigger and like it's fitting me in some places but I'm like pulling them on I thought it's because

they were clean sometimes when you wash jeans and you put them on you're like have I put three stone on or are these just clean I think I only wear

these for the vault once in a while I don't think I wear them outside and so like no they're not been washed they just go straight back in the cupboard

because you're not overwashed jeans I never opt for jeans I never opt for jeans I'm a comfy gal all my jeans are like basically joggers anyway

Yeah, that's what I gave that. Yeah, well, you'd have not been happy in the skinny gene girl. Oh, God. I'm not in the skinny gene community. Although, I've got a pair that are borderline skinny jeans. I can't imagine. No. You had to have low rise, cut off your circulation, all the way down to your ankle where you'd then wear belly pumps.

Yeah. Oh, God. And any time you're bent down, just constant, like, making sure your pumps out. Yeah. Constantly pulling them up. But that was our ear. Why don't men know? that they've got their ass crack showing.

Because you know, because you can feel the air. Maybe they just don't care. Maybe they like it. Maybe they do you know. You don't like a, what? Men tell us, do you know? There was a man the other day. I swear to God.

Oh, I don't want to picture it. Ha, ha, it must have been of his ass crack was out. I was just perplexed. It's not complex about the ass crack. I knew. You knew we'd talk about this today. Have you planned for that? It just never occurs for how men.

don't know. I think they know. It's got your attention though, didn't it? Yeah. Still talking about it. Oh yeah. It's really ingrained on my brain. Okay. Today's controversial opinion.

Proposals are starting to look more like PR stunts instead of personal milestones. This is just trickering for so many people if you're listening and like, you've had a good one or not a good one. Have you never had one? Have you never had one? Yeah. We've had us, like, obviously, summer's gone and we've, it's the time for love. Yeah, like, there was a lot of proposals this year. Yeah, like in summer.

Sophia and Chinsia, that crew. Well, no, not Sphere and Chinsia. I mean, they would if they could. But yeah, Sophia was like a big one, wasn't it? Like, I feel like my Instagram is just, even like people from home, like, school friends and stuff. Really? Or, like, not school friends. Well, I've got a few really close friends have got engaged this summer.

But then also, like, just people that I don't. I don't know. Acquaintances. Yeah. Like from home. And tells us about them like, are they an engagement announcement or is it videos of the proposal? There is a few videos.

Can you tell us any? There's a few like photo shoots. Like, for example, there was one like Dubai desert. Like, do you know, I've never been to Dubai. I've never been to the desert. Yeah. Camps, yeah. The little.

Oh, wow. It looked amazing. Yeah. It looked gorgeous. But did it look like magazine shoot worthy? Like, yeah. And I'm like, this. If you didn't have a phone with a camera on it,

would this look the same? Because if it does, then that's the magic. Yeah. But if it's like, but can you see it? Is it for the gram? Yeah. Is it for the gram? Because also how wonderful to look back on it yourself.

Yeah, I'm devastated that I don't have any pictures of our engagement. Like even phones weren't a thing? As in, not the moment that Neil got down on one knee, but all my family were waiting, weren't they? Oh, I forgot. I was there. I'm devastated. stating Laura's like, when did you get engaged?

I was hidden under a table. I was. So Neil planned a surprise engagement for me. We were away in the lakes in our favorite hotel and there's like a spot on the top of the hill where you overlook Lake Windermere and it's like really high up. It's absolutely stunning and he proposed her and then when we walked back to the hotel all the family were waiting for us.

It all driven up to the lakes. Oh my God. I know. Well, she wouldn't, she wouldn't have said no because she was pestering. She was a pestering. I was. But that was the lifestyle crepe that was like all my friends. and people are getting engaged

and we've been together the longest and I was like just come out of uni God bless Neil God knows how I put it with that shit I wouldn't the other way around but that's the story

for another day but I would I don't have any pictures of everyone being there because if someone had have filmed because it wasn't a thing

then but someone from the hotel could have filmed yeah yeah and that not even that bit I quite like that that bit

was private for Neil and I so don't don't get the putting it on social media, someone going down on one knee. Like, that is, that is a lovely memory for just Neil and I. Yeah. But I am sad that I don't have pictures of like, all the family together, like, yay, like that bit. I've still got it in my brain, but it has gone a bit bonkers. Well, we talk about your impending proposal that often, Lucy, just because there's a Pinterest page ready for if stuff ever happens.

But so you've not had that yet, Lydia. you also have not had that yet do you feel in the time that we're in the the volume that you see now because of TikTok as well I'm digressing a little bit but you used to just follow your friends

but now I am seeing strangers proposals and the weird and the wonderful and the lovely and the sweet oh I cried at so many but there's so many that so much thought goes into the what did you call it? Proposals app it's P.R. Stens

It's like a whole campaign is What do you guys, Lydia, what do you think about the pressures of what that brings? All I can think about right now is this week I saw this video and this woman was like, oh, when your boyfriend proposes on the first day of your period. And she's like, the camera's set up and she's like, oh, I hate photos. I always look like a troll. And he's like, I'm trying to do something here. And she's like, what, what?

Oh my God. We're all in there. I was like, that's a great video. Oh, what about the question? couple that get proposing Santorini

on like some amazing steps and then like two people walk in front of the camera like two

old an old couple and he's like oh what do you think should we got on here and like the whole proposal's like

going that that guy that was proposing must have been devastating behind the belly of a man yeah

whereas if you didn't plan on filming it that you wouldn't even know that they were behind you yeah

there was nothing to ruin yes I love and I think I said it before I love the like

very casual Christmas day when you've got kids and you've proposed someone you've been with for a long time and children are there and it's just so classy, like, just very understated. And I'm happy for the ones that are of that, but I just want people to know that if you don't have that,

it doesn't mean that person loves you any less. Yes, that's probably the big thing to take away from it, isn't it? Some of the most romantic gestures are the most simple ones because they've thought what that person like. She happens to be wearing white and there's petals leading to an area. And then there's Molly Mayer stood there. Yeah, like, it's that, am I getting my nails done or is you just, does he want me to get white nails or is you just proposing to me? Does he want me to do this or you're just proposing to me?

Like, people knew, think about that video, like, they knew that they were going to get. The magic's in, they're not knowing and like the surprise. I feel like it could take you out at the moment and stuff. Yeah, because you're too, you're thinking. Yeah. Where am I looking? The camera fell over. Do it again.

Get up. Yeah. I wasn't breathing in. Yeah. Whereas, like the Sophia one, that was, if you've watched the video, if you're not going to look at it, it's such an. amazing video. Like they sat having a coffee and he thought what's our thing sitting having a coffee together in the morning. Like that's truly romantic. He could have done, I think he's very rich by the rumours online. Yeah. He could have done a private jet. He could have done a

this thing. But actually, yeah, when you strip it back, their proposal was sat having a coffee together because that's their thing that they do in the morning. That is romantic. And like he's also giving thought to her job. Yeah. Which is. Yeah. Yeah. She is a podcaster primarily, Influencer Second. Media company. You know, the girl is, would want, would want it. Because she, you know, her friendship group is 100,000, you know, a million on, that's her groups. There's an element move as well that's like, oh, for certain influences, like, listen, this is a no judgment thing.

It's more like, is, are you confident enough to be aware that just because someone else had that and the fireworks, you don't have to have, have with them if you want them. And that's you, but you don't have to have them. To film it? What's going through? Oh my God, now I need to know what's going through the minds of men in their 20s and 30s that may want to propose at some point. Let's ask them. Yeah.

It's not the flaming girl. What's the pressure? Your brother got... It's the proposer, whether that's the girl or the boy or whoever's proposing in any relationship, the pressure of that proposer. Your brother got engaged recently, didn't he? Yeah. What was that?

And I think we might have spoke about in the pod before, but can you give us a little bit of colour as to what that was like? That was like, they had a really nice, like, sentimental moment in Corfu, like, the place where we've been going, like, our family's been going for ages. Like, a nice picnic set up. Nothing was filmed. I did say to him, I was like, are you going to film there? And he was like, no. Right.

You got like a ring picture. Yeah, we got a nice ring picture dropped into the family group chat. That's very classy. I like that. Not that being filmed isn't. I'm just saying this is acceptable. That's okay. I just don't.

I personally, I've said to Alex, I was like, don't. don't film it like I don't want anything right that like yeah we can take a little pick afterwards yeah I don't want to like even if it gets like crowded a mem like a memory like kind of fades like it's still nice like I want to be able to tell people the story about it not just go like this yeah yeah yeah I don't I get it and it's each to their own as well like this yeah engagement proposals engagement rings wedding dresses like it's all so subjective but I think this is more of a message for we're in a society at the moment whereby everything is put on a pedestal and everything's edited

and everything's like times 10 and if yours isn't that's okay and it doesn't need to be don't conform to that pressure or put pressure on your partner to conform to that hype yeah because you might have something so it might have planned something so romantic because you had that conversation with him like that now I've realized that lots of people will have had that conversation which is either you know when you do it don't do it in front of people yeah when you do it I want be wearing why. Yes. Yeah.

You do have to save guidelines because if you know what you want a little bit, like it's just easier. At least you can shape it. Yeah. Yeah, because there is so much pressure online, like I bet like Alex is seeing all of these like proposals. Obviously I'm sending him Sophia's proposal video and I'm like, wow, this is so perfect. How many times did that get shared?

Oh my God, to boyfriends. To boyfriends. Definitely. To girlfriends, to whoever like, here you go. Yeah. No pressure. But like, there's. must be a lot of pressure. I mean, they can deal with it. Like, we've got enough pressure.

Yeah. If there's one thing. Yeah. But, I don't know. I do kind of think it's funny like to picture. Alex has no excuse. Alex has no excuse if this proposal does not go to Pond because you've got a Pinterest board. Obviously, notion schedule, like all that stuff. My favorite proposals are gay proposals because you see them on TikTok quite a lot and it's amazing because sometimes they propose at the same time. And I got good stuff just thinking about that because there's no like rules around. like a stupid archaic thing. Yeah, like traditions at the window.

Thank God. How refreshing. But how amazing that you both felt that that particular moment, you'd both been planning it, you'd both be getting the ring. And you do it. And they're both like, ah, ha! Guess we're not. We're meant to be it together.

Yeah, they're my favourite. Oh, that's me down the hole now. Okay, time for our first dilemma. Should you relocate for better earning potential? Hi, everyone. well. I recognize that this is quite an abstract question and very personal, but I'm trying to look at it from a logical perspective. I have some questions for you about the UK. I am from Manchester and my boyfriend is Spanish, both early 30s. We currently live in Spain and love it here, but we fear we have

reached our earning potential here around 50k a year together. I make the budget, but obviously we always go over due to rent, bills, etc. We can't save due to our low wages. I'm a training manager with an international American company and my boyfriend works in security with sketchy contracts. Money-wise, is it a good idea to move back to the UK to build up cash

so we can save and buy something in the future or have a base? Is it still possible in this economy? Thank you so much for your help. Any advice is greatly appreciated. So whilst this is a really polite dilemma she's like, hi, I hope you will, thank you for your help.

I'm like, I need Spanish details. I'm like, where am a picture in? Where are you? What's the temperature like? What are you eating? Like, what time do you go to bed? Do you have a siesta? I'd be like so many relocate.

Cultural questions. Oh my God. Imagine that life. Meeting a Spanish man. Hmm. That would be fun. That would be fun, wouldn't it? Yeah, after the proposal debate we just had then.

That would be fun. Yeah. That was not the segue with that. Sorry, we're distracted. Spanish man suckers all off guard then. I'm distracted also by the fact that she opens with, we love it here. Yeah. And should I come back to the UK?

No. Done. Next. You do. We've had chats about this before actually where your earnings are very relative in lots of different countries and not. And the properties or the lifestyle isn't always, doesn't always match it. And so we just like spending a lot of time in Portugal. Portugal property is so expensive.

And every time we go, he's always chat to locals about it, about how difficult it is for even like hotel workers and everyone to be. to afford to live on the Algarve and then like, you know, come to the, be able to work effectively because the wages aren't going up in line with, which is a million, because holidays are going up for lots of lessover. You know, the tourists are feeling the pinch. But, you know, for a lot for people to buy property in the Algarv, like some people are in the UK earning good salaries, going buying a holiday home, it's pushing the prices up, and then the locals can't afford to get on the property ladder at all because the wage parity isn't there and it's probably, it might well be similar in Spain. It depends on where they are. But there are some countries where just

wages are lower. But it doesn't sound like costs are equitable and lower as well. It sounds like they're kind of struggling on the budget level. So that's, that is tough. It is. And I wonder if I was just thinking about her job because I get the impression it's virtual because she's an American, she trains an American company, doesn't she? Is there any way that you can boost your income, your salary to not be reflective of the local economy and get, Is that called like salary arbitrage? I don't know that word. I'm here for it, salary arbitrage.

But you have people who will work for like American companies and they'll live in the UK and or might live in Bali. Alex does that, doesn't he? He works for an American company but lives in the UK. And I wonder if his salary is reflective of a UK employer or a US employee. And a lot of people do it like they might work for a US company and live in Bali. And it'd be absolutely, or Thailand, and it'd be absolutely cheap. Because as long as you can make the hours work, and lots of companies have work from anywhere solutions.

I hadn't, that didn't come to mind when she first read out that dilemma. But what a great way to try and hack it. Because if you like where you live, I would be saying moving to the UK's bottom list. Yeah. Because you don't want to. You don't say, we'll do it at some point with, you know, you talk about it in terms of getting on the property letter. The really important thing, and it's very common in this,

call on the continent to rent as well. It's like weird to own a home sometimes. It's not always that you have to. But if you don't buy, you need to make sure you're building up assets. So over and over you rent, are you investing for pre and post retirement so that if you ever did want to get the property, you can. But, you know, you don't want to be missing out on asset growth and capital growth while other people are getting it. So making sure you're doing something, whether it's investing in the market and or investing in property means that you don't lose out. You don't just pay your bill. when everyone else is like gaining. But moving to the UK with bottom and wireless. Yeah, because it's not cheap to live here. Just FYI, grosser is a really expensive. And you like your life. Like you like your life. Listen, there's one thing going,

I love living in Dubai. But like I'm racking up thousands of pounds with the debt to live here. Like there is a point where if you can't afford to live somewhere, you do need to make a bit of a decision, but I would put that down the list. So I love that idea first. They'll see if you can increase your salary and move jobs. I'll retrain.

the things that you might say look where we're at right now financially isn't great can you go like what can your partner do yeah because you said he's got sketchy contracts with security it's probably the same in the UK yeah it's probably it's that industry yeah like so can can you work in admin in the security sector because you've already got experience in security can you get a pay rise that way and more like regular hours or whatever it might be or a better contract by not doing that like you have to make sacrifices and it's probably not moving countries to one that you don't even want to live in. It's looking at how can I improve what we've got here now. Yeah, and taking a longer term view in it. So, you know, there's one thing saying, like,

can I stay in the same field but work for a better company? Can I get the pay rise? Can I get a job with a remote job? But also, like, is there a potential for retraining? And again, there's a period of time we have to hold on and go, we are not saving up for home and we're not being able to do these great things you want to do, but with pause. And so sometimes, like, going through some education and some retraining. in is with a view to then being able to live in Spain long term and being able to do things you want to do. Because education in the UK is really expensive.

So if you wanted to upskill it yourself, it's going to cost you a lot of money. Yeah. It's such a tough one. Definitely don't, you have to be able to be growing assets and you have to be able to be able to get that excess in your budget. And so you do have a tough period where like, is there a period of time where you take on some extra work and can you kind of build those savings? can you work on weekends?

Do you have like, what's it called where it's like peak work? So you might work a bit more in the summer and get picked up a complex bar jobs. Again, if you're on Spain, I'm trying to not be in, presumed that you live in a tourist location. But if you are, then, can you do some extra stuff then that can kind of help tide you over? But I like the where do you want to be and work backwards from that. Yeah, model a few different things. Yeah. Model your options.

Model the UK thing out first. go. Yeah, no. Yeah, because to, you know, even for your equivalent careers, what could you earn? Because if you can earn 75 together, we'll have to tax, that's not an extra 25. I was just about to say, but what's the cost of living higher? To get on the process letters higher, how much more quickly is a lot. Are you going to have to rent a lot over here? Are you going to stay with family? Maybe it is, maybe it does work out better, but until you actually figure out, you don't know. Don't jump ship just yet. And we're like, stay there. Yeah. Will comes. Tell us more about your life. But model the, yeah, model the different things. And try not to think, we cannot comment, obviously, on what it's like getting jobs where you live and how easy it is to retrain. But don't limit your thinking to saying we're kind of at the cap of what we can earn. You know, incomes is unlimited. I don't like woo-woo stuff and I'm not a manifest of sorts. But I do believe that sometimes we limit to what we know and go, well, this is kind of what we can get. But it's like, well,

Yeah. But can you get extra jobs? Can you retrain? There are people in Spain earning more as a couple of £50,000 equivalent. There are. In those fields probably. Yeah. What are they doing?

Where are they doing it and how are they doing it? You've got to get like spicy. Scrappy and like fight for it. It won't just come to you. Fight for the beach. Fight for the sunshine. Fight for the lifestyle that you want. It's not saying this is what we've got and this is what we're working with.

So that's it. It's like, no, it's not. That's your starting point. Great starting point. What else can we do? Yeah. I'm excited. And tell us.

Yeah. And can we come for, can we be that dickhead friend that goes, oh, should we've not see you? I'll come and see you. We'll come stay with you. No, you won't.

I would hate that. Um, time for a community win. Higher. I love the word higher. Higher. Higher. Higher.

Is it's a scalp thing. H-I. Y.A. It's a dollar than thing. I say higher. Hey. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. I just want to tell you about an amazing win I had recently. It wasn't a nice situation to be in, but due to the content you put out, it really saved me. I had four car tires slashed last week, and I was due to go away for the weekend the day after. Because of your podcast encouraging sinking funds and emergency funds, I had the money to get my tires sorted and still go away and not worry about money, as all my sinking and emergency funds were there. No credit cards or money borrowed from family. it made a terrible situation so much better thank you again oh what an awful thing i know who does that someone's very sad one thing i would take away from that is someone he's having a really

really shit time in their life if they're doing that to you yeah rise above but i'm really yeah the peace of mind that just having that little bit of money there at the time it's annoying putting it away and then when you get to use it and it doesn't like stop you from going on the trip or yeah imagine if you couldn't do the thing you were going to do i don't have money now sorry i can't Oh, imagine that. Well done. Yes. That's a proper win. Nice to hear. If you'd like to tell us your win, head to the community in the app or email it to the vault at financial out.com. Okay, next dilemma.

I earn more than my boyfriend and it's starting to cause tension. Hi, girls. I love the podcast. You are genuinely my weekly therapy. So I'm hoping you can help me with this one. Basically, I've had a bit of a glow up in my career. I'm freelance and things have gone really well for me this last year. I've started earning significantly more than my boyfriend, and it's started to cause some tension. He's never said anything directly, but I've noticed these little digs where I mention work wins, things like, must be nice, or wish I had that kind of money. When we go out, he seems reluctant to split things the same way we used to, and I end up covering more, but then he acts weird about it. I love him and I don't want money to come in between us, but I also don't want,

But I also don't want to dim my success just to keep the peace. I don't know whether I should bring it up or just leave it and hope it passes. Help love a proud winning, a proud bread winning girlfriend who doesn't want to be single. Well done. And just to caveat, we're not qualified to be for therapists. No. I can't help you. We're not sure about how we do our relationship successes.

But we do get lots of nice follow-up. So thank you. Thank you for listening. for being brave enough to writing. Like that's a really tough one to navigate because it's refreshing, it's refreshing to have a female breadwinner. It's refreshing for this to be a problem.

You may think it's a first world problem to some people, but well done on your freelance business because it's hard on. And it's tough financially being a freelancer. It's also tough mentally, like it's all on you. You have to go out and get that work. You have to deliver that work. If that work's not good,

criticize for it and it's all on you. You've got to be sales. You've got to be operations. You've got to be the creative. You've got to be. You've got to be everything. And there's ups and downs to it. And so we're talking, you know, I'm sure he'll do amazing. But next year might be different. And being able to do that is so impressive. He's being a bit of a baby about it. It's like he wants his cake and eat it. So he wants the bed. I believe in a. So we always caveat this with like age, time you've been together brackets. So where I believe, no matter who the breadwinner is, early in the relationship, things should be pretty much split, because you don't split bills and stuff because you don't live together, you've just started dating and things. And so if breadwinner person says, oh, I'd like to do this activity, we're going to go skydiving, whatever, and it's a bit punchy, and the person goes, I literally come out full to do that.

No, it's fine. Oh, well, no, no, no, it's on me. I will do it. yeah fine and there's no there might be one are you sure oh i don't like heights so no i'm not going anyway but just that kind of oh i'd love to say this restaurant like it's quite yeah navigated that i think it's okay to split things or if one person wants to suggest something that that is more expensive like let them pay for it you in this period where you're trying to get to know each other you like might be new boyfriend and girlfriend but as it develops and as you start to share bills

and things, I think proportionality rather than splitting 50-50 is the right thing, no matter who the brand winner is, because as time builds on, the person that's the lower earner, if things are split evenly, just gets far more behind. There's loads that you can't do. And so in this situation, she's doing really well, depending on how long they've been together, I would expect her to pay a little bit more, whether it's more towards the rent. whether it's more towards food shop, whether it's picking up some nice meals.

Like, we say that way around. Yeah, we have this all the time, don't we where women are like? I can't keep up. Like, he earns more than me. I've been on maternity leave. I only work part time now. And he's got a lifestyle. I have nothing left because I keep soliciting the bills with him.

And what our advice would be to split the bills proportionally, which is absolutely fair. So it 100% is fine the other way around. What's not okay is the way that he's making her feel. It's like a baby. Yeah. Because it's not how society planned it for us all. but she would be the breadwinner, he wouldn't.

He can't handle it. His masculinity can't handle. That's where the problem lies. Not the he can't afford it or he earns less. That is not even a consideration or a problem. I love the fact that she's the breadwinner. It's amazing. But to make the sly snide comments isn't helpful.

You're dimming her light. Like she's done really well and she's doing really well. Making her feel guilty. Do you not want me to earn as much? Do you not want to go out for this meal? And you need a bit of a plan. It sounds like it's very ad hoc at the moment. And it's new.

It's a new thing. You're navigating this new. You have to be open and honest with each other. Like communication is the most important thing. And is the only way you're going to get through this like period of sussing each other out. I feel like a couple of times he's allowed to go. It can't be, oh, this feels weird. Like I feel like it feels weird that you're more than me.

If he's saying stuff like that, no. But if he's, if they've been used to splitting things and she's playing for, he could say, oh, makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Like I want us to be able to pay for things evenly. if you can get and she says she don't want a single so like we're definitely not going to go don't no this is not a splitting up offense no it's not we're okay but it's just it's new and so it I think it is okay for him a couple of times with like I'm not used to this and I feel really guilty that you're having to pay more yeah she needs to press down on it's not because he's a female

anymore he made in these comments and it's really bothering me now tell me how you feel yeah like what is the problem and it could be I feel a bit shit that I'm not earning as much as you and that's fine but he might you can you know there'll probably be reasons why he might work in field and we've talked about it before when people have more like passion jobs that are like I work for a charity I work at an art guy. My eyes capped. I can't earn what you earn. Yeah, it might well be that and that's okay. And so you can say to him, but you do know that this isn't a reflection on you and like how hard you work and do that. Neil's always been the breadwinner. It does my head in. It won't be forever, but it does do my head in that it's always been that way. Just a fact.

Well, yeah, whereas we have swapped and changed, like between maternity leaves, between setting up businesses, between pay rises, how do you navigate that? Or is it, are you in a place where the buy doesn't even bother either one of you? Because it's been so fluid. When we first got together, I was significantly the breadwinner. And we, yeah, a product of circumstance, but car. I'll moved in with me. Yeah. And so it wasn't a 50-50 thing anyway. I was pay more anyway because it was, and he had a house to pay for as well.

So we actually managed to sidestep, you know, the kind of, oh, it's weird. And luckily, the lack, I was saving for, no, I'd bought home. I'd bought one home, but no, I wasn't saved. I was just saving generally. Like I wasn't needing to do anything different. and because both of us had good enough salaries that we could sustain what we wanted to do, it never came up.

So there wasn't a scenario where one of us was like, yeah, I'm like, should we go to this holiday? He's like, absolutely not. I'm thinking sushi for tea and it's like, I was thinking beans on toast. Yeah, and I was probably like, probably even more type of money then because... Well, you were a single parent.

Yeah, and I always knew that we wanted to buy another house at some point. And so then when you get to the next, next bit we, before we got married, we had Alby. So suddenly, and it was an awful maternity policy, absolutely awful. So I went from the breadwinner to, ooh, I have no money. Now, because we had planned to have Albi and we prepped for maternity leave, it was all part of the plan. We decided to combine finances then, obviously, it's each to the row. But we literally did it the minute we were saving up separately because when you wanted a baby and when you would want to buy a house together at some point. And the budget was then one. So then I felt no

consequences to the drop. And I mean an absolute drop. And he didn't feel the extra pressures of being the breadwinner because both incomes went in the top and we just did the budget. So that's all right for us. It doesn't work for everyone like that. But because of that, we never had that different bits of emasculation or the different bits of me feeling guilty. or put out that you were spending more for a dinner for a holiday there's never been that

and then when we set up financial we didn't take a salary for a couple of years and so I was like hi want to sell a business also won't be earning any money I'm going to be lying on you and you know

whilst there may have been some reservations on his part about us as a family it was never oh so I have to pay for it never but it's like you've got to get to that point of your relationship and some people might never get that point of the relationship and that's okay because it might be that you've been through

something that means, you know, whenever, we're never getting there. But I guess what I mean is she can say to him, what if in two years time, I need you. I am poorly and I need you to take the weight. Will you be okay with that? Like, how do you feel about that? I will need you then. This isn't like a man's savi thing. This is just a partner thing. And see how he reacts to that because that's going to elicit more about how he truly feels. You might go, oh, yeah, no, I would, of course I would. Or he might be like, well, no, like, why should I? Yeah, yeah.

And then that is a red flag. That's the red flag then we have a different conversation. Then you emails in again and we have another chat. But for now, it's play the different scenarios out, which is, it's me this week. It might be you next year. Yeah. And how do you feel about that? Because that's going to help someone see a different side.

Yeah. Because some people are just like apologists. as well and that's okay like oh I feel bad that you're paying more it feel weird like depends on his terminology but is he just trying to say I'm not used to this yeah or is it weird you shouldn't earn more than me and you shouldn't have to pay more for me I should be looking after you well he said it's all right for some oh yeah I'm like oh listen you're all allowed to say a shitty comment I've got loads of them do you know I mean you're allowed you have it's uncut it's uncut it's uncut it's uncut it's uncut it

Sounds like it's uncomfortable, it's new, it's not in the line with... When children are around, you get more stress, things are more cutting. Like, society, we've all been brought up to see the man as the breadwinner, and we're in a day and age whereby that is starting to change. It's unusual, but we don't take it out on the partner that is the breadwinner, and we don't make them feel uncomfortable, because they're just doing the best that they can do. Yeah. Lay that back.

Wouldn't it be... Yeah, because you might not play this back to him because we've been a bit... Or just aside for money to the side, and then just... act like you didn't get the payroll. Yes, I'm actually doing really bad. I'm actually doing really bad. I'm saying, that costs so much hate, by the way, on my LinkedIn. Oh, my God, it did.

Oh, my God, when you spoke about fuck-off funds. Men, the amount of men that were like, this is the most sexist comment I have ever read in my entire life. And don't you think that you should have said, this is why men need a fuck-off fund? And it was basically in relation to the, astronomer guy and lady

yeah it was like summer summer hype at the Colplay concert when they got caught kissing and I put a

screenshot of the picture and just said this is why his wife needs an F off fund everyone's like what about his her husband

he needs one as well why didn't you write this and I think some of my responses were it's my post it's my profile if you would like to go and write a post

about men building fuck off funds be my guest. That was my response. I was like, I am a founder, co-founder of a female-focused finance community and the fallouts I see from women not having this financial protection in place.

And I think on loads of people as I wrote, I got one, my husband's got one, we both know we've got, and it's not, fuck off and it's just such a, sounds like a terrible term. But Neil and I both have gyses in our names. No, you don't have gyses. No, we don't have gyses.

We're just a baby. Ices in our names. savings in each other's names that he's not just got it and I'm just got it. It's split. That's effectively if all goes to shit. I know. He's running away from who and who gets the house. Well, the amount of people, well, do you know what?

It wasn't just men. I had loads of women writing, this is not very, this is anti-feminist. That's like, I loved that you started. I was ready for you a long academic argument when it started with, it's my post. Yeah. I can say it. Because no one ever says that. Sometimes people go, You should have said this.

You should have done that. No. Didn't have to. Do you see that? It's like, you always delete comments. You always delete comments. This is not a democracy.

Yeah? I can delete comments. I'm an authorit. This is my page. I can do what there's no room. Yeah. I was just starting to respond. You're just going to write the place about everything.

In everyone's perspective and everyone's point of view. And that's why socials, we're going off on a tangent, but that's why social media is so difficult because no matter what you put out, you're not right. You're, you're I'm not right. You're, not writing from the perspective of a man. No. I'm not writing from the perspective of a black female. I'm writing from the perspective of me and I can't write on behalf of everyone. I can

raise awareness of things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you shouldn't do. My personal experience. You can't cover every new one. No, nuance. Yeah. And so I literally just then, my response to it was my post, my rules, fuck off if you don't like it. And if you're that passionate and bothered about men having fuck off on, maybe you should write a full article because that's what was linking to take your time out of your day to go and be an ally for your fucking male friends what were we talking about like that idea oh yeah maybe she should build one no no well that we were joking that if if he's got that much of a problem oh about a shit month really really shit month like with a bank leap

hanging off your wrist what's that nothing skim off the top yeah scoop off the up. Put it aside. What about you? Is Honey Burke in? He won't know. It's fine. No.

No. Thank you for writing. All jokes aside. Thank you very about that one. But, yeah, we, our answer is we don't know. Like, it depends on the vibe. Yeah.

All depends on the vibe. And he's allowed to be a little bit shitty. Only a little bit, though. Tiny. You have to, the next one comes. The next one. We need a chat. Yeah.

I've sat with this for a while, and you've made another comment. So we're going to have to lay this bare. And some of, so if he is having an issue with it, and it's just like, you know, whether it's connected to the patriarchy or some misogyny in him, whatever, he's also a product of the environment he's been in. And so you can help him understand, which is, like I said, why is there a problem? This shouldn't be a problem. Like, I don't say it's a problem.

Why do you see it's a problem? I don't see a problem that you earn more than me. And by the way, the rules could reverse next year in five years time and see how. Howie takes that and it's all about signals. Yeah. I definitely need an update on this one. Yeah, definitely. Very invested.

Good luck, well done. Okay, that is all for this episode. The Vault is now closed and just a quick disclaimer. The Vault is just a chat around life and many topics. We are not giving financial advice.