The Vault with Financielle - If Your Partner Won’t Talk Money… RUN | The Vault Episode 70

Episode Date: June 25, 2025

Send us a text“If your partner won’t talk money, run” - we unpack this week’s controversial opinion, then dive into your dilemmas:💸 ”How do we budget as a couple when one of us is neurodivergent?”💸 ”Do I contribute to my friends wedding?”Got a money win or (totally anonymous) dilemma? Share it via the Financielle app community or email [e-mail] 💌You’re not alone in figuring this stuff out. Get honest, helpful reads at financielle.com 💖💸Start building your investing routine with Trading 212’s Autoinvest feature here 💸When investing, your capital is at risk. Pies & Autoinvest is an execution-only service, not investment advice or portfolio management. Automatic investing refers to executing scheduled deposits. You are responsible for all investment and rebalancing decisions. This information is not investment advice. Do your own research.Connect with our Partners🐝 Consolidate your pensions with PensionBee (capital at risk)🫶 Protect yourself and loved ones with our friends at Lifesearch✍ Write a will that is tailored to you with Octopus Legacy🏡 Meet our Financielle approved Mortgage Brokers💸 Commission-free investing* with Trading 212 (capital at risk)🛒 Cashback on your shopping with Jam Doughnut (use code FINC)*The above are tracked links, which tells our partners we sent you and may in future result in a payment or benefit to our site.The Vault is an entertaining yet thought provoking podcast that answers our community’s dilemmas and confessions surrounding women and money.Visit https://www.financielle.com to download our app.Watch the podcast on YouTube.Follow Financielle for more:▶︎ TikTok▶︎ InstagramAbout Financielle:Financielle is a female focussed finance app helping women to take back control of their money, ditch debt, increase savings and invest in their future.Recorded and Produced by Liverpool Podcast Studios▶︎ Web ▶︎ Instagram▶︎ LinkedIn

Welcome to the vault with finite child. This is a safe space where we talk all things life and money and no topics are off limits. Howdy. Howdy. Not said that for a while. I love that greeting. You always liked the cowboy emoji.

Yeah, I love the cowboy emoji. In Slack or on WhatsApp. Most used. Yeah. I don't know what mine is. Matt, I keep doing the signal. Yeah, Neil's like, tell her to stop it. She's not a Gen Z.

I got it from you. I got it from Lucy. I know, anything that we do is on. Neil, you can tell me, you don't have to send your messages to your wife, tell me I'm immature or not. Tell me I'm too old, I know. We always do stuff three months later. And then I know.

We catch on from Lucy and Lydia and then, yeah, it was too late. I've got a funny story about emojis actually. Go on. So the company that Alex works for, everyone's kind of all over the world and he manages a team and he was getting some feedback and stuff from his team members.

And there's someone on his team, I can't remember where she's from. And Alex is such a monotone Manchester voice. And he uses like the worst emojis ever. Like he sends the serial killer smiley face as like a good response. And he got feedback from one of his team members that like she thought that he hated her.

Because of the emojis that you used. And the way how direct he is. And he's just so like straight faced like, I'm sorry, sorry for the listeners, I'm doing a straight face right now. And is he like that with you? No. So it's a work thing.

Yeah, he's just like. Oh. You've done it before when you've listened to Neil and you've gone, oh my God, this is so awkward. I can't, the other way he's talking doesn't allow me to let him. He's just being direct. Was your verbal punctuation like? Verbal punctuation.

Where's your rise and fall on your tone? Neil had a- Was your shit sandwich? Yeah, Neil's not got one. Neil had a call, he's like a casserole because it's all just mixing together. But he had a call and someone, he's in sales, but someone was selling to him.

And the guy was on the phone and I was cringing because I could hear it. And the guy was like, so why did you respond to my LinkedIn thing? Like, what was it about my LinkedIn inbound to you that like made you want to pick up the phone? And Neil was like, well, yeah, to be fair. He was like, I never usually respond and same,

like, and everyone sat here, probably get so many rubbish inbound sales, LinkedIn things that I just delete and block people and report them as well, so try me. And then the guy was like being really salesy to Neil. And then, so the guy did the pitch for the thing and Neil went, yeah, that's good. He went, but it's out of our budget.

We definitely will not be taking this product. I was like, oh my God. Whereas usually if someone had sold to me, I'd be like, that sounds great. I'll discuss it with the team. I'll get back to you like such a- Even if you don't want it, you just let them down gently. I've got to speak to my co-founder,

I always put it on Laura, like I can't make this decision. Have you? This is a number, I can't make the decision, so I'll speak to the co-founder, because that's what we do. Neil's just like, nah mate, we're not taking that on, it's too expensive. And the guy was like, oh, oh right.

But actually also, that saves so much time for both of them because then- That guy's not got false hopes. I would have got then another inbound that would be like, hey, what are you up to? Have you decided like time? Neil's like, no, we're just not having it, thanks bye. That was the end of the call.

It's like the more directness. I mean, I've said this before about like, Germans have really, really good strategy when it comes to being direct. And I don't, do we've talked about it with you in Amsterdam before about like in the Dutch really good strategy when it comes to being direct. And I don't, do we've talked about it with you and I'm standing before about like in the Dutch, are they quite direct? Yeah, very extremely.

And you grew up there. Yeah, you know where you stand, but is it like, can you be more of a director as a result? Are you not? Like what? I think I'm quite direct. Do you think you take that from living there? I'm very literal, I've always been told I'm very literal.

Maybe that's you Dutch influence. I mean, there's a middle ground, isn't there? Yeah. That'd be quite rude. Oh, definitely. But I think sometimes Brits use humor and they don't like feeling awkward, so they'll overcompensate on stuff.

Whereas actually some other cultures, directness, you just move much quicker. Or have it been a bit more male sometimes, like in those fields like of sales and whatnot, just like, no, that's not gonna work for us, sorry. Or not saying sorry. You don't need to manage their emotions, do you? Yes.

Well, it's just someone that's popped up on LinkedIn. Yeah. But the team member thinks really interesting, like what emojis, how they can be interpreted. I thought you were gonna say he used like an emoji and it was like totally inappropriate in her culture. I'm not saying like a over-gy, but like, do you know what I mean?

Like she totally misunderstood. Yeah. It sounds like she did, but in like an okay way. I thought if she used an emoji and she was like, and you said he used the psycho one. Yeah, he uses that as like, I don't see that as psycho. Psycho.

I'm really happy with you. Big smiley face. Really happy. No, I see this as. Oh God. Did he take the feedback on board? Is he like arranged, rearranged? Yeah, he uses the emojis.

Oh. And now everything is fine. I think she's been up there. Yeah, she can sleep is fine. I think she's enough sleep at night. I think she needs to get a grip. I will use the cycle. Do she hold on with the knife? Does he say get a grip, but then smile? Get a grip.

Okay. Okay. Controversial money opinion time. If your partner won't talk money, run. Ooh. What do we think? Your partner won't, money, run. Ooh. What do we think? Well, that's all we talk about. It's like, it's the road that leads to, you know, like opportunity and shared goals and practical things,

utilities, like stuff that you actually have to deal with every single day. So I probably agree with the statement. Like if you're not talking about money because it genuinely touches every part of your life, what else are you not talking about? Like why can't we have this conversation? And a lot of people come into relationships

with really bad money management because of stuff they've learned as kids, negative relationship with previous partners. Like I understand why people would have hesitance, but just to not talk about it at all, just is red flag. But like in the flip side, like if someone's like boring about money, that's all they wanna talk about.

Yeah. You're kinda like, can we just not talk about the budget anymore, please? Can we just enjoy this meal and not talk about it? It's really, really hard, especially when you have kids and stuff, it is and you've got shared bills and not talk about it. It's really, really hard, especially when you have kids and stuff it is, and you've got shared bills and shared responsibilities definitely.

But some people might just be like, can we just enjoy our food? Because sometimes it is too much, isn't it? Like the good thing about our methodology is you do it at the beginning of the month. You do the work as you do in your budget and you kind of set everything going. So there shouldn't be constant converse.

There doesn't need to be. There might be, stuff comes up and practical stuff, but arguably we don't have to hum an hour and talk and talk and talk about, should we go out for dinner tomorrow? Should we go out at the weekend? Should we buy that person that thing? Because we've already decided it at the beginning of the month

and the money's been put aside. So I get it in that respect that you wouldn't want to constantly talk about it. Other people don't talk about it for like secrecy. Like, have they got, are they ashamed of something? Are they, are they private and don't have any intention of sharing knowledge, sharing what they have, sharing their goals, like it.

I don't know how people live double lives. Double lives. On that, like. Oh yeah. How does money come in? Just shows where you spend your money, so. Yeah, like we're so into trying with money and we always talk about it as couples.

And you are to a point as well with Alex, like you've got the shared goals and with the house and stuff, but some people literally have double lives whereby they are living, they're walking out the door, they're saying they're going to a certain job, they're not going to that job.

They say that they're working away, they're with another family. Like, how do you manage money? How does that person, it's hard enough anyway. It's hard enough doing one budget. That's what I mean as a family, as like coming home every day and managing that money. Some people literally double lives.

How did financially does that work? Well, I mean, I don't know how they can afford it and across the living crisis. I wonder if it had an impact on secret families. Oh, can't have that affair now because it's too expensive. God, I'll be watching the pennies. But they don't share, do they? So they don't have right accounts.

You don't know how much that person's getting paid for a job. They don't share how much they're getting paid. They do the household bills and work backwards and go, okay, yeah, how much is half the bills? Right, I'll put that in. Sweet. Yeah.

It's like people don't know how much really good cycling bikes, cycling bikes, is that the right thing? I was gonna say mountain bikes and then I was gonna say road bikes and I came out with cycling bikes. You know, I saw, did I send it to someone? I might have sent it to Lydia or Lucy,

the golf club, when the girl, the wife didn't know how much golf clubs cost, she's in the golf club store. And it was refreshing, because it was different to like, stupid expensive handbags, or stupid expensive shoes. It's usually the woman. Is there a grand or something for a good one?

A stick, one stick. Oh my God. She's going, for one stick? One. And you've got a bag full at home. You've got loads of sticks. It's like, yeah, and he's like, I've been using it every weekend for three years.

She's like, what? She even says, can you get them on finance? And she's like, can we like over a thousand pounds for one club? And it like, didn't look, I mean, if any men are listening to this, they're like, yeah. That's what they cost. Yeah, I know that golf is like,

it can be an expensive hobby, but even paying for like membership's really expensive. But imagine, what do people do? Do they buy a full set of average Joe ones? When you first get into golf and you find a new way, everyone has a, they've all got a set. Do they get one and then they go- Oh yeah, upgrade one.

And then I'm gonna upgrade one at a time. So if your driver is the thing, or your putter is the thing. You get that for Christmas or buy that one thing. There was like the Masters like three months ago and Rory McEnroe won. McEnroe. That one.

McEnroe is a tennis player. Yeah. And I said like, he is like a multi, multi, multi, multi millionaire and he still has that ugly, like, teddy on the top of his club. I'm like, why have you still got this like, like you've won out of a black pool, like, grab a machine. Like, what is all that?

It gives him a the ick. But the guy that Neil sold his bike to, Neil's bike was expensive, but it was like an agreed, like, costing, like we both agreed that he was going to do it. He did it a lot in lockdown. When he sold his bike, the guy that bought it was like, oh, I literally buy a new bike every week. Like my wife has no idea.

She thinks they were like 200 quid ago. They're not, like Neil's bike was expensive to buy secondhand. So it was really expensive to buy. And he got it like purpose built and stuff. And the guy was just like, yeah, she got no idea. He's like, I've got like five in my garage and I just constantly change

like a couple of them all the time. One of the, our friends in the village, she's a school mom and school dad. And he likes like, like I said, likes toys, likes gadgets. So it's a motorbike, got mountain bike, got a cycle, a cycle bike, I'm saying it again, a road bike, and with that all comes the gear and the helmets and the stuff like that.

And then we were with both of them and he was like, oh, really fancy a caravan. I was like, you are not having a caravan. Cause she rolled her eyes and went, I don't really want one. I was like, okay, what are you selling first? And she's like, what do you mean? I'm like, what are you selling before?

Cause you can't ride all of them at the same time. Like there's going to be some that you like, you don't need and she absolutely will have no idea or, or she won't care. But maybe like, I don't know. I think sometimes when you earn less, you don't want to judge what the other is spending money on, which must be really, really difficult.

But I could see her eyes rolling. I was like, I'll say it for you. Don't you worry. I never bothered about nails for anyone in the bike, it was more the middle aisle bike cleaning products that pissed me off. Like you'd go to Little Oralde and you'd be like, look what I've got, like 20 cans of like, bike cleaner.

I'm like, she's very liquid, or like, I don't even know. Honestly, the stuff that was taken up in the garage was the accessories. They love accessories. I know, but it was like cleaning stuff. I'm like, is that even clean? Like, I wouldn't mind if it was like this pristine, like you see men with,

we all see them walking past the garage and the man's like, thinking over the car, like shamming. Yeah, I was like, what's the shamming? Shamming or shamming? Shamming and shamming. So it wasn't even clean. But you had a really good, did you say bike for sale,

full suite of cleaning products? I was like, you sell everything. And then he's lost, Neil's lost loads of weight. So we're trying to sell all these like clothes at the moment of which men's clothes seem to do better on vintage apparently, he was looking at all the stuff, hold the value more. There's probably less of them and higher quality stuff.

And they don't keep changing fashion. That's the thing. They don't have a fish fashion. He's got a bag of golf stuff and he's like, I need those. I was like, you don't golf. He was like, I might do once a year or something. I was like, they're going.

So keep one set. Literally I was like, keep one polo, one pair of pants. I have always thought golf, like you just wear things that you, it's just chinos and a polo. Yeah. You have to get a hat and everything. Yeah, a little hat. No, but the polo is a shirt and a polo. Yeah. You have to get a little hat and everything. Yeah, a little hat.

No, but the polo is just like a fashion polo. No, well, they have golf brands that they prefer, but you just do this. You can wear anything for that. You can't. I think one thing I'll say about golf is you have to go to the clubhouse and it's a very formal thing.

You can't just turn up in random stuff. Like a nice lacrosse white polo. Like I wasn't thinking like... Are they always like silky ones? Like sporty silky ones? Silky little numbers. Listen, they're going anyway. It doesn't matter what they are. They're going. If he needs to borrow a white polo because he's not got one.

Just go on. Get two, you can get one. Sorry to all the golfers, we literally belittled that spot. To like... I'm here for the education, I'm definitely out of touch. But yeah, listen, women are the spenders usually. Women are the spenders, but there's gadgets and gizmos and there's a lot of flack sometimes given obviously to women and overspending on things that don't.

Why are you spending money on that for? But it's okay to buy golf and stuff, it's okay to buy cycling stuff, it's okay to buy this and- Or the season ticket that you're like, oh yeah, that's fine, but then it's, we go out for drinks before we go on the coach. We stay a night away, we make a weekend of it, so.

All things are not equal. Nope, they're not. Okay, I've got a first dilemma of the day. Okay, listeners, you know that here at Financial, we hold your hands through your money journey, navigating life's ups and downs. It's rare that a money journey is linear. Big life events like babies, death, or getting divorced

can have huge implications on your financial health. But at what cost? Luckily, our friends at Pension B have the answers. Their Pension Confident podcast explores all of these topics and more. Each episode dives into a key personal finance question from what's the real cost of divorce to can you afford to have kids? The Pension Confident podcast is available right now wherever you usually get your podcasts. And remember, when investing, your capital is at risk. How do we budget as a couple when one of us is neurodivergent?

Hi, I'd love your thoughts on how to approach budgeting as a family when one partner is neurodivergent. My husband is neurodivergent, and whilst he's fully on board with improving our finances and we share the same long-term goals, he really struggles with budgets and how overwhelmed he feels during money conversations. We found that traditional budgeting methods, especially ones that rely on rigid systems or lots of detail, don't quite work for us. What tips or adjustments would you recommend for making budgeting feel more accessible and sustainable for both partners in this kind of dynamic? Even the fact that you know he, you know, is different and thinks about it different

and feels about it different is a massive win. Cause I see it when people just are so rigid, like whether it's to the 50, 30, 20, whether it's to knowing all the detail, it's something that we've covered quite a lot because so many people share their experiences. We've touched on it on an Unlocked pod and I definitely profess like we're obviously not experts in neurodivergence, we're obviously not medical, but we've lots and lots of case studies that you

guys keep sharing with us and you know I definitely am I've not been diagnosed, but there's just definitely tendencies, which in a couple is really interesting. Like I think Carl's got OCD and I've got some form of ADHD. So which is like, what that can do is you've got, he needs the detail and he needs to do it now and it's something that he wants to do now. And I'm like, oh, not on, no chance. Like the founder of financial is like,

I am not doing the budget today. I say that often, because I need the right headspace, the right time. And then I'm like, should we do the budget? And should we do the net worth? And should we like color all the different charts and show it? And I'm literally at this poor guy must be like,

scared to ask, should we do the budget? I mean, sometimes again, it's all about, sometimes it's that kind of tendencies. And sometimes it's like, I'm not a night owl, I'm a morning girl. And this is since having kids, definitely. And I sometimes, if we've got a really busy day and we're doing all the different activities and then we sit down and then it's like 9.30 at 10 and by my alarms, 5.40 for the gym. What we, lots of people ask me this,

like how do you both do the gym? Like, well, we're very, very strict about letting both of us have time working out. And I take, I get up at 5.40, I do a 6.15 till seven usually in the village. I get back at five past seven, he goes five past seven to like just after eight. And so I can shower and get dressed then, but he's usually got some of the kids dressed.

It is like a military operation, but that's the only way we share it. We're very, very equal. And we both muck in with the kids so that we can get out the door. But my day starts earlier. So my day starts, so not only, you know, I saw something on TikTok, which means it's absolutely true, that women need 10 hours sleep. All the studies were done on men.

Yeah, I keep seeing this bullshit. Sometimes, Neil's like, you're going to bed already? I'm like, yes, I'm tired and I require it. But imagine that's like, you know, I'm wearing like an aura ring at the moment, that it's funny because my husband got through work a long time ago, so it's the OG, it's the very first one, and it's too big. It like, well, I use it for my sleep, so I don't really use it during the day and stuff. And I'm caveating that because I don't

want everyone to run out and buy one. Like I'm not trying to win one. It was free. It was free. Don't worry. And so I've got it and it looks like, I don't know, like a washer. It looks like my husband's wedding ring. It looks like a washer from like a nut and husband's wedding ring. It looks like a washer from a nut and bolt and from a tire maybe.

Anyway, and it was talking about like sleep and I think yesterday it said like I'd had six hours sleep which actually sometimes I can get a five. So I was like, oh, not too bad. And today it was seven, 17 which is why I'm probably full of loads of energy. I'm still not at the eight. And then I saw this TikTok that's basically telling me

I'm still under by two hours. So long story short, it's like, I want to get into bed and start winding down as early as possible. I'll try to get to sleep by 10. Although I said earlier, I keep seeing 22, 22 on the clock and that must be the last thing I see. And if he says, oh, should we do that life admin task that he's probably wanted to get around to all day,

but it's been chaotic. And I literally would be like, are you kidding me? We absolutely cannot, like he's just suggested so we start gaming chess. Like, what do you, of course we're not gonna do it now, but then what am I doing coming to the table going, I don't know, I'm picking another time.

There's no other free time. There's no time to do it. But when it suits you. Other lunch time, if we're both working from home, it depends on our calls, but if we can take 20 minutes and have our lunch together, that would be a really good time to do it. So I need to be proactive and say,

because he's always available. He's always good with his budget. But I'm like, now's the sweet spot. Let's do the budget. So I went on, that was a long story. I'm sorry, everyone. But I just think I want to share that. I'm the founder of a finance brand

and sometimes I don't want to do the budget. It's how you feel, it's how well you are, it's your personality type. The minute you both know that, that like sets you off going much, much better. For the strategy, and Holly and I both do this, putting the effort in once at the beginning of the month and setting your boundaries and using digital pots

for your sinking funds and your flexible expenses means that you don't have to keep going back into the budget if you want to. We have our super loyal, our OCDers, our spread-sheeters that love coming into the app and tracking every expense. And if you wanna go really lean and really efficient, it is literally the best way, the results that we get from people

that track their actuals. It's like tracking your calories if you're on a fitness journey. It's specific, yeah, it's really intentional. It's hard work, but it really makes you go, oh, that chocolate bar wasn't worth it. I put things back before I'm on a mission. You go in, do I want the like,

apple and peanut butter and rice cakes with cottage cheese, or do I want half an Easter egg? And even the half Easter egg doesn't meet half of the calories, but you know that the good stuff's gonna carry you through much longer. So it just makes you more intentional, makes you more aware, but it's not for everyone. It is for some people, some couples.

Half of the couple might do it, half the couple might think it's the worst idea in the world. And that's a good part actually, like you're leaning into, if you wanna go super intense, it's okay, as long as you both agree on the budget, you don't both have to do it. You play to your strengths. So there could be like this month, I was in that space and Carl did our budget. And then we had a two minute, right, we had an excess. So I thought this, you know, I always got extra dance this month, you know, you're doing, you know, you've got

the this ticket and that ticket. Does this look all right? And I was like, like a show and tell, you didn't do a presentation though, Lucy, not on your level. I will ask you for that next time. But that worked for us because of our different personalities and for where we were at. But then I know now because everything was,

we have auto transfer, most of our sinking funds and flexible. So that's a tip. Again, if there are certain things that are quite consistent in your budget, if you set up the auto transfer in like your styling, your monzos, whatever, that moves it all.

But I know I'm there, thereabouts. So I spend the food budget. So I know if I'm running a bit low, I can have a conversation with Carl and I'll have a look in a different bucket and move some money over if I'm running a bit low, I can have a conversation with Carl and I'll have a look in a different bucket and move some money over if I need to, if I've shot it wrong or if I've ordered extra. When you order like, oh, mayo and olive oil,

like we talked about this before, didn't realize it's like your staples that cost a fortune. But we might need to juggle, but that's the only thing we have to do. It's not a, oh, let's go through the whole receipt and let's do like. Yeah, I think the good thing about our plan is there's a plan so you can stick to do, it's not a, oh, let's go through the whole receipt and let's do like. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I think the good thing about our plan is there's a plan so you can stick to it. So the structure, but there's also flexibility. And it might, and if you're

neurodivergent, that can change every single day. One day you might want to be more flexible. The next time you might want a bit of structure. And I think it just lends itself to everyone. It's not so like prescriptive that you, if you go off course, the disaster, that's it, the month's done, like throw it in the bin, I'll start again next month. You can flip and change and move depending on what's happening. But just having that one day when it's payday

or the day that you do your budget as a couple, it is really important to put it aside because Neil and I have felt when we've not done it, we've been busy, we're catching up a few days later. That's when it is quite chaotic. And even today I messaged Neil saying, can you please just, I'm really sorry, but I utilize our main current account

that's got a bit of a slush funding just in case we need it. I've utilized it a bit too much. I didn't transfer stuff and whatnot. So he's doing a bit of a wild sign up there and it's quiet, he's having to go back and move things around. So you don't wanna get to that place,

is what I would say. You do have to be quite strict with your day, that one day. It's one day, it's not even a day. It's like 20 minutes. Put it in your calendar. Yes, so you can kind of prepare yourself for it. Yeah, and I think that's one of the things we say

about date night. We've got some good articles in the app. If you go into the app and you're on the home screen, you scroll down to blogs and you search like date night, you'll find like some plans and stuff. And it's all about like, what's the right time for both of you when are there no distractions where it's not like, you know, your favorite football team

or the kids are running around if you've got kids or you. We tried to do it, we're doing it. We're going out the door 20 minutes later, like don't do that. Cause you're gonna end up falling out. All right, from experience. It doesn't end well, okay? If you've got a deadline, because it can go on

and it can disruptions and stuff. Don't do it if there's kids around. By God, don't do it if there's kids around. Or if you do, go and put them on the iPad or put them outside. I've done it like a, we've done our budget like Sunday morning in bed with a cup of tea. I've done it on holiday.

That's a lovely place to do it. Yeah, on your own. Yeah, just on the sun lounger. And you can see your screen. It's annoying, isn't it? I wanna be here, but I wanna be on my phone. Under the towel. Yeah, like with my hands going like that.

Scrolling on TikTok. Who does that? We're doing a no social media holiday. We're planning that later in the year. I don't have it anyway, you know half the time. I'm either in all in or I'm nothing. And I've not had social media for a couple of weeks. And I'm like, so when we go on holiday,

we're doing a no social media. And Neil's like, I guess I'm doing a no social media holiday. He's like, I'm fine. Sometimes it's like the kids want to play and you're like, you get a bit, oh, cause you're in a hole, like you get like kids getting dopamine. You get a take time on your phone

and you go no on the go, you're on it. Yeah, yeah. So no social media hole. Okay, community win time. Send a load of financial appreciation. I'm so glad I discovered the vault episodes and I got hooked on the app three months ago. I honestly can't believe the shift I've had with my mentality towards money. I've been able to build a mini emergency fund payoff alone I had with my family

and my phone contract. It feels like I'm leaps and bounds ahead of where I thought possible. Thank you so much for making my money journey feel less daunting. Oh, well done, but listener, especially because she says she was from the vault. So many people keep coming in from the vault and then they go back and listen to like 20 episodes ago and then they'll message us and they'll be like, when you said about, I'm like, I can't remember what I said yesterday. I love it and I'm all here for it but sometimes I'm like, let me just refresh and I have to like put in the group Slack channel,, what did we say on this episode?

The paying back family is just such a lovely way because family, usually, will want to be paid last, will not, don't worry, just when you can. And there's just something that hangs over you when it's family, when you feel guilty and you want to pay it back. And when you've done the work and made that excess in your budget

and you go to Nana, mum, brother, whoever it's been and you go, oh, thank you so much, really appreciated that. Won't be needing to borrow anything again. Ever. Ever, ever, ever.com and you give them money. Like, it's such a win. How many people like constantly go to the family for money? Like it's their credit line of credit.

Oh, definitely. And I, there's, we've had lots of dilemmas on this before. Sometimes we've not aired them actually because they've been just quite intimate and quite vulnerable. And you know, maybe we, maybe we should and be brave enough to do that. But there's been somewhere like it's repeat borrowing

and you're the person and you're like, you feel like the black sheep of the family. And you just get this like reputation. And sometimes, you know, people need to borrow money because they've had to leave relationships and they've been through all the bad health issues. Like there's lots of different reasons for it. It's where we, this is why building up an emergency fund

is really, really important. You don't get in the right income protection and insurances is really, really important because it builds resilience. And it means that you virtually never have to ask, you know, the number of times that you have, the reasons that people should have to ask to borrow money is extreme, like fundamentally cannot move forward.

You're all going to Gran Canaria for a holiday. I've not saved, I have no money. Can you like something? Can you lend me and I'll pay you back? Or like lending like... To buy cars that they can't afford. Yeah, just lots of... Cause they want it.

Cause they want it. It needs to be for your own like wellbeing. It needs to be an absolute necessity. But lots of us just pre-friend and child just don't think like that. It's very, very normal. You sometimes have family like wellbeing, it needs to be an absolute necessity. But lots of us just pre-financial just don't think like that. It's very, very normal. You sometimes have family like going, oh, I'll lend it, yeah.

It's just like, no, it's not, it's no judgment, but it starts now. Like you pay family back and you go, won't need you again, but thank you. Do anyone see the community posting the comment a few weeks ago, a person had written that their mom had lent money from them. So like they were the lend, lendee, what would you say? Lender. Lender. Oh yeah. It was one or the other.

50-50, I went wrong. She lent her mom money and then she was getting extremely frustrated because the mom was showing no intentions of giving it back. And she'd asked a few times and she said it was getting up to a point where it was awkward and she felt like her mom was just never gonna pay it back. So she asked for a bit of advice from the community. People obviously listening to the pod because we've talked about it before. So about three people said,

you're not getting that money back. You have to make peace with it. Consider it a gift to your mom and move on. And they were just like, because it will just weigh heavily on you. You'll constantly not be able to stop your- You're already disappointed. Yeah, you'll not be able to sort your money journey out

because you'll be like, oh, but I'll be getting that back. So like you wait on stuff and you don't do stuff because you're expecting money to come back. So yeah, about three people said, consider it a gift and let it go. And I was like, that's such good, like how mature is that? You know, growth. Well, I just think we always such good, how mature is that? You know, the growth.

Well, I just think, we always say this, you can control how you feel about something. You can't, you really can't influence and control other people. And you never know, maybe she'll pay it, but that's a bonus. A bonus, yeah. But it's there waiting for it.

And you're already disappointed in your family member if they borrow, especially that relationship, that's the wrong way around, isn't it? Like as a caregiver, like you would be like, I would lend, I would give it, give, give, give. And there's also, I think amazing situations, like one of the nicest things and you know, our parents have worked hard and been fortunate and had a lot of luck. So they've got a situation where they're very financially resilient, like they're not wealthy, but like they're comfortable. And we've never needed to, but we would in a minute.

And we would give, we wouldn't lend. And I can only imagine the joy that comes from that, as people get older and more successful and your parents have sacrificed so that you can go to university, so that you can work this job, look after your kids further and everywhere. And we do have friends in our circle

where they've been able to gift mom and dad something and treat mom and dad something. It must be lovely, but it must be difficult if it's blending and thinking that you're gonna get it back because just that relationship. There's the relationship dynamic, which is off. Just off. Well done.

Yeah. I love that. If you'd like to tell us your win, head to the community in the app or email it to the vault at financial.com. Okay, time for our next dilemma. We're interrupting this pod to deliver a public service announcement.

Ladies, you should prioritize your investment routine just like you do your skim routine. I worked investing into my payday routine with the help of Trading 212. Consistency is key with a routine and Trading 212's auto invest feature can help you invest in a hands-off way. Also I find the daily notifications about how my portfolio is performing helps keep me motivated and accountable on my investment journey. Just a side note we handpick our partners based on products that we love. If you want to take your investing routine

as seriously as your skin routine, Trading212 is a great place to start. So, head to the link in the podcast description to get started. Do I contribute to my friend's wedding? My dilemma is relating to my best friend and her wedding. We've been best friends for our entire lives. She's like assisted to me and I treasure our relationship so much. She's decided to elope

in secret at the end of this year and the only guests will be me and one other person, so I feel very honoured to be asked. She and her partner are self-funding the wedding with minimal family help. We will need to travel by train to the wedding as it's on the other side of the UK and we'll be staying in the hotel for two nights. The bride has said she will pay for everything for me. That includes my train tickets, hotel room, hair, makeup and my meal. Although I appreciate this will cost substantially less overall for them than having a larger wedding, I have this feeling of guilt that I should contribute in some way. I haven't broached this subject with her yet. I earn considerably less than her and her fiance, but I know their outgoings are larger than mine as they have a child and a mortgage, etc. I don't have

any siblings or a large group of friends so I can imagine this will be the only wedding in my life where I'm part of the bridal party. If we were attending a larger wedding, I would likely gift them money. However, as it's a considerably smaller and more intimate day, I'm torn as to whether I should gift them money like I would for a normal wedding or whether I should be paying for a part of the wedding,

I.e. my own hair, makeup, I'm already buying my own dress or even my hotel room or whether another gift would be more suitable. Like most people in this community, I'm on a debt free journey, but I have until the end of the year to save up a sinking fund to contribute something. I just don't know what the etiquette would be. I just know I feel awkward and uncomfortable about someone paying for me when they're on their own money journey themselves. Is this guilt all in my head? Any advice on what I should do would be most appreciated.

The guilt is all in your head. It's all in your head. Definitely. It's in your head. It's so. It is. Yeah, no, it literally is. Like this is a, I feel like this is a female thing.

If the groom's best man. If everyone's a man, he's not thinking this. He's not lost sleep on this. He's like, sign me up. When we go in, what are we, I'm having the steak. I'm having sides. Like, is it Neil? I'm having prawns to start, steak for main, champagne.

You know, like- Yes, I'm saving him a fortune. Literally. For not having to do a full wedding. You are actually, like, they are saving a fortune by not having a huge wedding. And if they've explicitly said from the start, we want to take you, we want you to come,

like you are obviously a very important person in their life, like almost family. So see it that way, let them gift you with this, like special experience and you fretting over it and tiptoeing around it and feeling guilty about it could actually end up hindering the really nice experience because you might be there thinking- Yeah, you can't make it icky. Yeah, I feel awkward, like I'm so sorry,

like no, it's the wedding, they just let them enjoy themselves. Like, honestly, it's in your head. Like, it genuinely is. I'm here for the allotment, and I'm hearing more and more of these and people being very pragmatic about the wedding that's right for them and doing it how they want to.

I think it's okay to offer once. Yes. So you've not done yet, then you get one ticket, one pass where you can say, we're looking forward to it. Is there anything that I can contribute? For example, my train ticket or hotel, not hair and makeup, you get your own dress anyway, not anything else, not your meal, but usually you would transport yourself to a wedding and wedding party, would usually get rooms

sometimes paid for, but let's pretend you get one chance at this and you don't grovel and you don't make her feel uncomfortable. Is there anything I can contribute? Don't even say what, don't list the things, just say, I would love to, is there anything? Are you sure I can't contribute to anything? And I bet she says, no, just let it go.

And then that's it, you can't raise it again. Cause then you've been a bit of a pain. You're annoying. And you make it about you. You're annoying. You're just annoying. But it's where you make it about you. I do say this before, like your worry

and your guilt becomes the main character. Yeah. And it's like, it's going to interfere. I've done it so much in my life where I worry too much about something. And I end up ruining the experience for myself. And I give it for other people because I'm constantly, are you sure, are you sure,

are you sure, it gets annoying, just enjoy yourself. Like honestly. Yeah, you get one time to check because it's very nice to be in check with that and in touch and care about your friend, but like I said, you can't make it about you and how you feel, you need to work on yourself. And like I said, it's okay for people to buy you things,

it's okay for people to treat you when you go, thanks so much for this. We've had that before. I've got such good groups of different friends and you've been gifted experiences. And our friends pay for us to go to a charity dinner, paid for everyone. You know, such a nice-

You wanna like repay them. You wanna repay them. But you know what you should do, if it's a charity auction or charity raffle. Take money with you to the charity. You take money, you buy raffle tickets, you contribute to the charity, you buy a round of drinks. Like, and then you've paid a bit

and it's not as much as a thing, but it's just a symbol of you're not expecting to be a freeloader. And you're not expecting someone else to pick up the bill because that's like a different kind of ickiness. There's a balance. It's like, there's a middle of the road, I think. You can ask once and then what should she do?

What's wedding gift? Maybe speak to the other person that's been invited. It'll be a useless man. Yeah. Yep. For sure. Sorry, man. Like, you're not all useless, but this one would be.

He's gonna come to her. Because I already like his image. I like the guy's image. He's just chill. Yeah, chill. Come whatever. You can ask her. Like, I would also ask her.

Are you going on a honeymoon? So then that's like, the money's always a nice gift. Or if not, like a nice- Meal? Like a babysitting voucher if they've got kids where they can go out for a meal. You're like, I'll buy you a, here's a, not a Nando's, but like maybe a little bit,

bit elevated, a little bit. But not too much so it puts you in debt and it puts you in- 100 quid Hawke's more, no it wouldn't go far in Hawke's more. It won't go far enough. Yeah, it'd be a steak. And it puts you in debt. No, we wouldn't go far in Hawksmoor. We wouldn't go far enough. Yeah, we have a stake. Neil got bought a hundred pounds, maybe even more gift voucher for Hawksmoor. And I swear to God, I was like,

we literally got to pay like 70 quid to all this Neil. We were sat lost. It's a loss. It's a loss. We're down. We are down. But I think if you've got the rest of the year to save, I think a hundred pound is plenty time

between the summer and the rest of the year to save, I think a hundred pound is plenty time between the sum of the rest of the year to save this. And whether it's cash and you put in a card and you say, this is for like whatever you want, whether it's a honeymoon, whether it's a nice dinner out, this is for babysitting. Voucher, yeah. I think if you're-

That's a lot of money. Thoughtful. So thoughtful. Really thoughtful. And if you do want to go ask the other person, then they can go in it as well. And it's a bit more of a chunkier one. That's a good idea.. Thoughtful. So thoughtful. Really thoughtful. And if you do want to go ask the other person, then they can go in it as well. And it's a bit more of a chunky one. That's a good idea.

They might want to help them. They've not thought about it. So you might know. This man is, you're going to get a message from them. Yeah. Maybe you're going to get together. You do this. And maybe it's going to be a love story.

This is your meat, cute. Hey, what are you getting? I'm fluent in. Golf hat. This is your golf hat. Golf hat. This is your... Golf hat. A putter. Maybe you are the main character. Yeah, maybe you are.

Maybe it is going to be about you. It's all about you. Can you let us know? We absolutely need to follow up now. I have literally married you off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've married you off. This is...

She's going to be like, who's playing them? It's a 50 year old, like, older brother that's like... He thinks you're getting together. I'm like, I'm not. I'm like, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. This is, this is, she's gonna be like, who's playing them? It's a 50 year old, like older brother that's like. He thinks you're getting together. You are having an early night. Put your aura ring on. Sorry, my aura rings tell him I need to go to bed. I am so invested in them, in the elopement and then in potential, potential. There's no hint of that, but there is now.

Yeah, we didn't get that vibe, but we've created it. Okay, that is all for this episode. The vault is now locked. And just a quick disclaimer, the vault is just a chat on life and money topics. We are not giving financial advice.