The Vault with Financielle - “I've Been Hiding £17,000 Of Debt Since We Started Dating” | The Vault Episode 39

Episode Date: November 21, 2024

Send us a textWelcome to The Vault with Financielle.In Episode 39 of The Vault, we discuss this week’s controversial opinion, “Investing is gate-kept and purposely made confusing”, before diving into our listener dilemmas:“We want a wedding AND a house” 💍🏡"I've been hiding £17,000 of debt since we started dating” 💸We celebrate a listener who, despite being worried about telling their partner about their debt, took the leap - and was met with incredible support and a commitment to face the challenges together! ❤️If you’d like to share your money win, head to the community in the Financielle app or email [e-mail] your (totally anonymous) money dilemmas to [e-mail] and we may feature yours on a future episode 💌Thank you to our partner PensionBee, who are on a mission to help you build pension confidence and create a world where everyone can enjoy a happy retirement. With PensionBee you can combine, contribute and withdraw online. Join over 260,000 customers saving with PensionBee. When investing, your capital is at risk.Sign up and combine your pensions here 🐝Get more out of your money by opening a high interest Cash ISA with Trading 212 here 💸When investing, your capital is at risk. Pies & Autoinvest is an execution-only service, not investment advice or portfolio management. Automatic investing refers to executing scheduled deposits. You are responsible for all investment and rebalancing decisions. This information is not investment advice. Do your own research.As a Vault listener, you can get a whopping 25% off our digital course, The Money Playbook.This is a step by step guide to being financially well. It has 101 lessons where you'll learn how to budget, ditch debt, build savings and grow wealth. Use this offer code at checkout: VAULTCheck it out here 💸Chapters:00:00 Introduction06:09 Welcome to The Vault10:44 Controversial Opinion: “Investing is gate-kept and purposely made confusing”26:26 Dilemma 1: “We want a wedding AND a house”35:00 Community Win: "Life happens and we're a team" 37:56 Dilemma 2: “I've Been HidingThe Vault is an entertaining yet thought provoking podcast that answers our community’s dilemmas and confessions surrounding women and money.Visit https://www.financielle.com to download our app.Watch the podcast on YouTube.Follow Financielle for more:▶︎ TikTok▶︎ InstagramAbout Financielle:Financielle is a female focussed finance app helping women to take back control of their money, ditch debt, increase savings and invest in their future.Recorded and Produced by Liverpool Podcast Studios▶︎ Web ▶︎ Instagram▶︎ LinkedIn

Oh hey, Laura here. I'm just starting off this episode of The Vault to tell you about the Money Playbook. I used to be terrible with money, designer shoes, fancy meals, all on credit. But everything changed when I realized I needed to take control of my money. That's why I created the Money Playbook, a step-by-step guide to help you take control of your money, ditch the overwhelm, and create a solid plan for your future self. With three stages, survive, build and grow, the playbook walks you through everything from paying off debt to building wealth. Start your journey today by grabbing the money playbook for 25% off with

the code VAULT. Check out the link in the podcast description. I promise you won't look back. Now, let's get to the episode. always like to the party yeah you look comfy though yeah i'm still next week next week's episode please can we get some slippers that's a good idea some pink slippers hot slippers hot slippers we should i'm i'm here listen i'm here for pajamas if we were to we were to do financial pyjamas, like... Should we do pyjama episode? Should we do a pyjama episode? Should we do a pyjama episode? How can we make this relevant?

No, because that's my excuse to get Jeff out my new pyjamas. You don't need an excuse. If you've got... You can budget for it. Put it in the budget, mate. No, I could never justify it. I'd save up for it.

Then we'd be like... How much are they? Like over £100. Super cheap. For Christmas? Yeah. Christmas gift. We can make this work.

I think if you're going to wear it half the week. So what would you wear? Like pyjamas two times in a row maybe? Yeah. One of her wear. So if they're good quality and wash well. So we need to know from someone else that they wash well. Because if they wash well.

I have heard they're good quality. Then you can. And like make sure you wash them properly. You're not going. you're going to get used out of them i would spend 100 pounds and this lady is how you justify buying things it's different to spend 100 pounds on a christmas dress and then that's the one dress sequins going into landfill yes pajamas will be loved cared for we could get buried in them as we spoke about previous As we spoke about in a previous pod. We did speak about it in a previous pod. Maybe. Get buried in them.

No, because then I wouldn't wear them. I'd be like, save them. Or, Jeff, I mean, you could sponsor the pod. Yeah, and we'll all sit here. And we could all wear them and we'd encourage people to buy them. And we also need robes. We're leaving that with you, Jeff, haven't you? Lots of people now, I promise you,

because a lot of millennials will be Googling what the hell is Jeff having you. It's not very niche. It's spelled G-J-E-R-F, guys. And who is it? Matilda Jeff. And she's a just like Instagram girly. There you go.

But she's been going. I was going to say Melissa Jeff and it's Matilda. She's been going for like she's at Instagram OG okay Pinterest yeah girly so you can go

those I would go like candy cane stripes you know festive season approaching what would you wear

onesie I'll copy the Gen Z person Lydia you've definitely got a onesie in you like what would be your comfort

do you not sleep in your sensory socks Lydia like a caterpillar turn it into a beautiful butterfly i know i've owned a onesie several onesies but i don't like sleeping in them because they make they get hot especially if they have feet yeah you get like caught you end up like a really frustrated little baby. And then I cry and no one helps me out of it. Honestly, I get super stressed when the children were all babies. They can't tell you if they're hot. They can't tell you.

I would let you overthink and go. I would go up and check on the children in the cots multiple times just for like they couldn't tell you that something was uncomfortable or that something was hot. I can't believe I'm saying this but I think the ultimate sleeping gear is like Winnie the Pooh like just a top and nothing else like nothing else so I was picturing a Winnie the Pooh nightie but you mean actual Winnie the Pooh it's like a nightie but like money club t-shirt perfect that's my winnie the pooh sleeping t-shirt

but winnie the pooh's is more of a crop top so yeah i can i can answer the door if i have to like this i was picturing a winnie the pooh nightie yeah oh my god when we were having babies and everything and then my mum was like the biggest thing we need to sort out is what you give birth in because I am not having you wear like an ER or a Winnie the Pooh nightie to give birth in. To grow a mum on you at Disney. I'm more of a full button.

Oh, I knew it. What's the guy, we've spoken about this before. Scrooge. Oh, Scrooge. Ebony's a Scrooge. I love how you did this in the audience. She was holding an oil lamp to go through the night.

Candle lamp, yeah. I like full on, we've both got the same dressing gown, Rosie Huntington, whatever her name is. That one. From M&S. Massive. I need a dressing gown. It touches the floor.

Like it's long. Like a cape. No, like it's long like a cape no like a cloak like a regal I've got that one which I got as a Christmas present I don't think I would ever buy a dressing gown

by myself by the way no it's a purchase that someone else makes how much was it I don't know 60 I was thinking the pyjamas like you bought that

buy the pyjamas exactly but then for my birthday my mum got me the white company dressing gown a big fluffy towel. Does it blow out the water? I feel like I've said this before also, but I feel like Julia Roberts.

Oh, great woman. But she's seen every single film that she's in. She's always in a white robe. And it's like touching the floor. And mum was like, you need this. Curly Sue. And it's incredible. She's not in that though.

No, but when I think a big white robe with a towel on your head, it's like, do you know what Curly Sue is? think a big white robe with a towel on your head it's like do you know what curly sew is no don't worry it's on your movie list anyway I the interesting thing when you become parents

is like my children have had white company dressing gowns and I haven't yeah embroidered with the name on it's really upsetting I'm gonna get it on my back

mom mom not good for fake tan though I put my M&S one on for the fake tan oh okay fair enough there we go good for fake tan though. I put my M&S one on for the fake tan. Okay. Fair enough. There we go.

Not a fake tan, is it? Welcome to The Vault with Financial. This is a safe space where we talk all things life and money and no topics are off limits. Howdy. Howdy. Have you got that sign yet? We identified a sign in the shop a few weeks ago and I immediately took a picture of it and sent it to Lucy.

There's an Oliver Bonas in... Right, do you say Oliver bonus or Oliver bonus? Oliver bonus. Yeah, I say bonus and then everyone else is like, bonus. There's like an embroidered, they also have a cushion, got a cushion as well. Embroidered howdy. And it's like perfect green. And I saw it and I was like

that's Lucy that's so good I think she was the first person to send me the cowboy emoji the hat on I love the cowboy emoji can't think why it might have been when

the Texas thing came out cowboy emoji and this emoji oh yeah salute oh yeah Lucy gives a salute

so Laura and I had a crash course on how not to speak to Gen Z's when Lucy started working with us because we used to send emojis. The sidecoach, Smiley. Yeah. So it's just like, sometimes we'd be like,

oh, that was such a good piece of work. Thank you, Smiley face. And Lucy must have just gone home and cried because later it transpired. She was like, that's actually a passive aggressive Smiley. And I was like, sorry, what passive aggressive smiley and I was like sorry what I was like I was just smiling at you

because you did a good job and she was like no no I thought you hated me but if the smile is to the side it's fine may as well have done the eye roll emoji yeah

thanks may as well have done an upside down one that's the best one in a whatsapp group when someone's like oh sorry I didn't see you say that

upside down smiley and you're like oh do you know what i think that's in my top five really used ones i'm gonna check i'm gonna check right now on my top i'm talking about you you can look at what your favorite one is cowboy mine might be like the nails oh yeah that's a good one yeah very financial yeah it is the nails you'll see that on a lot of our blog notifications yeah it's in my top five Dylan what show I also need to know he's looking I've got

Cry and Laughing which one? the one to the side no just the normal Cry and Laughing okay and I've got A Ghost

A Ghost? when would you use A Ghost? very seasonal my girlfriend's very scary she's listening A Frog A Frog? yeah I use A Frog a lot give me a text message very seasonal my girlfriend's very scary she's listening a frog a frog

yeah I use a frog a lot give me a text message where you use a frog I love it and again it's just do you want anything

from Greg's frog it's more because my dog looks like a frog your dog looks like a frog okay and then a heart and then

the eyes okay I love the eyes Lydia well I've been doing loads of financial posts so that's kind of ruined skewed

yes same mine's skewed I've got like an engagement ring which is like throw it's dropping it it's dropping it

it's hitting the little hiding one the little this one the little shocked one yeah little mind blown one it's all very click bait-y

kind of we put on a caption yeah tell me you've been writing vlogs a little pumpkin got yeah little mind blown one it's all very click bait kind of we put on a caption yeah tell me you've been writing vlogs a little pumpkin got a little pumpkin seasonal and a leaf

you know the autumn leaf I've got that one I've got that one as well I bet you have what have we on yours upside down smiley face upside down which is like

that's my eye roll yeah that's my eye roll massive fucking eye roll you're like much upside down there's also like because I'm on slack upside down there's also um

like because i'm on slack a lot there's lots of pleases and okays and it's usually my responses to the tech team they're like we've done this i'm like okay please can you look at this i'm one of them yeah dad's response you're a dad i'm a dad yeah yeah actually an american flag because i was posting about our u.s community so You're a dad. I'm a dad. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, an American flag because I was posting about our US community. So we used to have one and then we closed it

so there was like a really, really big one. And then I think our US girlies and guys need a space where it's not just all British, British, British. Yes.

And also, like maybe our Irish. We need to shout out to our Irish community because you guys are the top listeners of our pod. Yeah. We need to go to Dublin our Irish community because you guys are the top listeners of our pod yeah

we need to go to Dublin top city is Dublin so watch your space honestly every week I look at the data and I'm like I've never been to Ireland what

what you both of you we need to fix that where did we take oh I took Lisa to Scotland oh yeah for the first time ever

we're crossing the border guys in it's Dublin that's the top city so if there's somewhere we could come do this for the first time ever we're crossing the border guys it's Dublin that's the top city so if there's somewhere we could come do this live we'll do girls bathroom style

will that be in the north or wouldn't it I know both you can cross the border you're allowed Irish girlies top listeners I was going to say

howdy that's not Irish what's a classic Irish response to you is so cliched. What's the crack? What's the crack, guys? Such a true. What's the crack? Okay, I've got a controversial opinion.

Oh, really? We're doing the vault. Sorry. Apologies. Okay. Investing is gatekept and purposely made confusing. Silence. investing is gatekept and purposely made confusing silence whether it's controversial it's just true i think yeah like i completely agree with the statement it is it has been gatekept for a very long time you'll notice in covid the word investing was just like everyone started to invest from their bedrooms like I don't

know what where the craze came from I think everyone had more time because everyone you can argue that investing can take a lot of up a lot of your headspace if you don't have the knowledge so you have to firstly educate yourself then learn about the relevant platforms that you should use then track it depending on the types of investing that you're doing so i think it kind of popped off in covid because people had a little bit more of excess time and money people weren't if you were still getting paid a salary yes you started all your bills but you didn't have the kind of outgoings that we all have now you're like you're commuting and your lunch is at work and your dinner's out because you couldn't go out like you couldn't do anything you couldn't go shopping so any disposable income was for some

people building up in their account and so they were like what can I do with it and I feel like social media exploded it was like a fintalk phenomenon where it's like financial tiktok where people started to talk openly about their investing whereas actually it was quite like it was gatekeeped I imagine it was just between finance bros and like yeah and people never would have talked about people whose family would traditionally invest and stuff as well like i think it has been reserved for the wealthy i think i've loved the explosion of some really cool what you would call robo investing platforms you wouldn't know them as that you'd know them as you know we're you know the trading 212s

for example and the pension bees like these platforms are just a digital way to do what you actually could always have done in your bank bank banking gap or going into branch and and you know I think it has been made a lot more accessible in terms of how you do the practicalities of being able to deploy funds but it is gatekept in terms of what it is how you would do it how you would start I mean we sometimes chat to people in businesses or in talks and sessions and we say, hands up if you're an investor. And you'll kind of get like 10% of the people putting their hand up and you'll say, who has a pension or a retirement fund? And everyone puts their hand up and you go, you're investors, but you're not positioned as that.

So you don't, your pension you think is something that you put money aside for when you're in retirement. But the backstory to that is, well, the way you need money to grow and a great way to do that is to invest in the stock market. And the way that you invest in the stock market is if you do it through specific pension funds or funds, your pension company or your investment platform will deploy it into either like a whole of market fund and or a specific type of fund a specific geography and what you're doing is buying pieces of the stock buying stocks and shares on the stock market you're buying a little bit of lots of companies and the hope is and history tells us this is that as those companies do better and these companies are people like apple and asda and tesla and and um united utilities like big old traditional companies and super fast, sexy new ones.

And as some boom and bust and as some, you know, do well and don't, it kind of levels out. And then what happens is if you put money into this account, which is essentially like a bank account for you, you don't have to think about it. It's anything different. It's just like a bank account. You put regular money in.

You're buying stocks and shares all the time automatically. In some accounts, like your pension, the government's giving you the tax back as well on it and then it grows and so sometimes when you look at your pension statement or an investment ISA if you've got one it usually has like your contributions as a line and then after what you've got and that bit is the growth and that's why we do it and that's the way that you make money while you sleep. And that's the slow and steady and non-sexy way of building up lots of wealth. That whole process is completely gatekept. It's just silence.

It's just, you should do your pension. But what, and I think if you understood more about it, you would be more likely to do it. The big thing we've got in female circles is, because so few people know enough about it or do it or overthink it and feel like they have to do a course and feel like they have to spend ages learning. Yeah, it's really commit.

You have to learn everything. You've got to go all in. You've got to join a Discord community. That was a problem, I think. NFTs and Web3 and blockchain, that really probably put a lot of people out of investing and put them off it definitely put me off i was like yeah like jesus christ you have to learn about nfts like i'm barely like paying into my pension so i think yes that it is it looks like it's reserved for a certain type of community but i think laura's right with the types of brands that have come out with these really

really easy to use platforms like we talk about and laugh about him all the time but even my son wolf of wall street looks at his investments all the time on a really easy platform and i can freely talk to him about it like i know i don't know everything i don't know everything that's that the funds invest in but i can just talk to him about compound interest like just small things like that make it so much more accessible and a community of ours like financial like you are in a safe space to ask What you think is a stupid question, but probably 20 other people are thinking exactly the same thing if someone writes about yeah So just ask just ask some people Message me. Yeah

I will fall on the sword like ask me the question and I'll drop it in like a lot of especially women I know they should do it So like I see a lot in our DMS you see it might see on Instagram a lot Lydia because I do where it in. I feel like a lot of, especially women, like, no, they should do it. So like, I see a lot in our DMs. You see, might see it on Instagram a lot, Lydia, because I do, where they're going,

I think I should be. Like, and I know I should be. It's like the last thing, it's like, and I'm not doing that, so I need to fix this and I need to fix this

and I need to fix this and I think I should be doing that. And, firstly, like, people, the attraction of it sometimes causes people to obsess over that and put in 100 quid here and 100

quid there that's not going to move the needle investing is about slow steady constant consistent investing but yet over here they're kind of shopping on clana and they're running up your credit card debt and they're going on fancy holidays and those two things don't balance like you don't think that that one to two hundred pounds isn't going to touch the sides like you need to be constantly and consciously investing for it to do it and and so I always tell people like go to the calculators like go have a look there's you just google compound interest calculator and look if I invested this every month and I got a whatever return you can google what average returns are what would that be because

you see how actually you can't just put money in like some people put like 100 quid and then go upset that it only went to 101 yeah and don't put any more in like they're like oh it's not done or it goes down a pound yeah it's not very good just don't look at it basically but it's because they're not taught or given the space or the encouragement which is oh this is a slow burner yeah like you put it there slowly and regularly and as I've shared before I think on this pod there was a moment in in my financial journey where my investments went up more in a month than my salary I mean it does that regularly now, but I remember going, are you kidding me? So I just slogged for a month in a job and got paid this, but I also just went to sleep and did nothing.

And that also went up the same amount. Now, granted, quite a lot of that is in retirement, so it's not like I'm rolling in it tomorrow. But the same, it could be in a pre-retirement account and an ISA, and it would do the same. It just wouldn't have as much tax benefit and so that happens but you have like you've got to do the work up front but I think if more of us talked about that then it would one get people more motivated to do the

baby steps that we walk through like the the little things about getting your savings in order and making sure that you manage your budget and one our job at financial with the playbook is to get you to grow not to stay in surviving it's certainly not to stay and build and when you're in grow you should have been automatically doing like your basic retirement but now's the time to think oh how much should we be investing set up the flaming direct debit and then crack on and don't think about it again just check in once a month when you do your net worth for us it's just part of our budget now yeah like when we do our do our money, date night budget, month of budget. Yeah.

We just make sure that all the things that we set up. It's literally a bill. It's not exciting. It's not fun. We don't make it a big thing. It's like, okay, so this much is going to the cash heister. This much is going to socks and shares. This much is going into the jice for the kids.

Like, it's just what it is. So we do not gatekeep. Other people might. But it is, yeah. But it is so we do not gatekeep other people might it is yeah but it is as a concept how do you feel about investing I don't know well I kind of was in uni during COVID and was kind of taken in by the whole like investing opportunity topics on like social media and everything and then my boyfriend is just kind of quite interested in all of that stuff does all of that stuff so I was like I should probably be doing this as well like I was getting FOMO when he was talking about he's like prepare preparing for this

and preparing for this I was like I've not done any of that yeah so luckily I just was it healthy FOMO yeah I was like, yeah, I'm not doing that. Where are you at now with it? Like, if you don't mind sharing, like,

what do you do? So you've got your pension. I've got my pension, which I actually checked. Did you? And I got a message from the, I need to change my address. Okay.

I got a message from like the new tenant in our old place being like, I've got a letter for you, for your pension. You're like, they're my investments. Just fold them on. feel free to have a little I don't how am I performing um and then I kind of just focus on the stocks and shares ISA

um I would like to find some more like not like too fun but literally I'm talking like 30 to 40 pounds a month of just something really rogue yeah like individual stocks maybe yeah yeah like something that I can be like yeah because this is the point about like lots of people get overwhelmed with investing which is oh no no your default investing should be funds and you can research on a high level you don't have to learn everything about them but on most platforms it will you know there's the you can do a risk um check you can you can how do you feel what returns you want and literally you're overthinking even that probably that point just pick something so make sure that it's spread and it's diversified and it's one of these funds but if you've got

disposable income to be a bit more aggressive with that's where you could pick a region or a sector like a lot of people go into tech, which can go really well up, but it can come really down. Or it might be a brand, like I've seen it before, people position, oh, instead of buying the next Apple phone,

buy Apple shares. And they've got a point, but that helps bring it to life, which is, and interestingly enough, in the 1950s and 60s, a lot of the really good stockbrokers would ask their wives for investing tips that's cool why because they knew like what was trending yes they would do the shopping yeah so like very liquid yeah and then he's like what are we spending every what's the trend like it was

the early tick tock why don't we buy it honey but he would go and invest other people's money into you know the owner of fairy liquid or whatever the brands were or whatever the big consumer brands were because at that time fmcg so the consumer goods was that was the big successful businesses yeah they were like you know the hundred year businesses that we kind of see and so that makes sense and so there could be again this is about disposable cash if you've got extra money and you want to invest over and above your basic bitch stuff then pick something that you like yeah why not because i think i would enjoy that yeah yeah and you're down and every time you and every

time you buy it you'll be like she's helping myself she's gonna come into work with a cigar in her mouth and one of those like what are they called like those cat fedora with no or a fedora with a typewriter with a paper coming out oh man Holly's got a really active imagination I really do

I know we're labouring the point but Lydia I want to ask you about investing how do you think it's kept like where you've been on a journey with us

since you joined earlier in the year I if I hadn't had this job like with financial i probably never would have touched it because i'm so like risk averse yeah but then i started like a on monzo i started the like little account thing did you yeah and i've learned to ignore it and not check it every morning

god damn it like it's just part of the budget I'm just adding it amazing yeah so good that's all it needs to be it's no more than that you're like like she said it's made to be this like yeah huge thing but you've just made it as part of your routine and that's all it needs to be nothing more nothing less yeah exactly i think i think it's knowing that and this is like it's all about layers like sometimes try to do everything at once it's quite hard but once you kind of add a layer in and make it a bit of a default that's why the network tracker is really magical in the app because you kind of come back to it once a month and then you can do the report in the app which is what's my three month growth growth, my nine-month growth,

my 12-month growth, my all-time. And you see these ups and downs, but eventually the trend lines up. And that's a result of slow and consistent work that started possibly with a bit of overwhelm, but kind of feeling the fear and doing it anyway and going, oh. Because it's very passive. You can make it so passive. Yeah. Like this is not something that you have to like knuckle down into. You don't need to read a book. You You can make it so passive. Yeah. Like, this is not something that you have to, like, knuckle down into.

You don't need to read a book. You can just make it so passive. You don't need to do any investing courses. Nope. No. And also, the people feeling left behind is like, if you've got a pension, you're investing. Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. Everyone should feel better. Yeah. Yeah, everyone should feel better. When people do that, everyone goes, oh, don't they, like, sigh of relief. Like, oh, I'm an investor. I'm not, like, totally not to grips with my with my money yeah and that's a really safe and easy way to kind of look at how

that performed have a little like with between google and chat gpt now you can ask lots of questions stupid questions privately like ask us ask us and ask the community and read some stuff but if you're like my pension is invested in the agon fund what is that can you show me how it's performed can you explain it to me like i'm a 10 year old you can ask it that even and it will do it it's so wonderful so you don't have to i don't i don't want to say be ignorant of it in a negative way like you like as a condescending thing just more of a you can learn more about it quite easily and it's not as overwhelming as you think,

but also talk to someone else about it. Talk to a partner who might be interested in it and you don't have to be the stockbroker. That's fine as well. You don't have to read the FT and see how like something has performed and there's going to be a merger and there's going to be this.

You're not going to sit in a room and someone ask questions. It's not an interview. Like just go and learn a little bit. Build your confidence up I like that one okay listeners I've got a controversial money opinion from our friends at PensionBee pensions can be sexy yes you heard us right pensions can be sexy Laura Holly disagree agree I oh my god I agree 100% I think so many people reach out to us. They ask how they can start their investing journey.

But spoiler alert, if you invest into a pension, you're already an investor. And if you aren't investing into a pension, our question would be, why not? With PensionBee's website and app, they make it simple for customers to combine their old pension pots, contribute flexibly,

and withdraw their pension money all in one place. You even get your own dedicated UK-based Vkeeper, which is like an account manager to support you every step of the way. I personally have been a PensionBee customer for years and I wouldn't be so buzzing about my pension without them. Get it? Yeah, we get it. You love talking about pensions and PensionBee. Download the app today to get started or head to PensionBee.com for more information. And remember, when investing, your capital is at risk. Okay, first dilemma. We want a wedding and a house. My partner and I are planning a wedding for summer 2026.

That's not next year. The year after. How do you say that? We have relatively good salaries, pay rent in London and have no debt. As we are renting, we would ideally like to buy a house further north in 2025. We've saved for a house deposit for years and already have this. My dilemma is trying to save for a wedding and buying a house within a year of each other. Even non-flashy weddings in the UK are so expensive and we're not going over the top. All in all, it could cost us close to £50,000, which I know sounds ridiculous.

I would welcome any advice on saving for both a wedding and navigating buying a house so close together. P.S. Changing the timeline on wedding is not really an option. I get that. Lots of people do want to be married before they buy a home it makes sense you know there's there's no right or wrong way to do it um also i was expecting you to say she needs to save for both properly but she's kind of got the house deposit or they've got it covered she doesn't want to take away from the house deposit

or anything but it's just a lot. So she's still saving for the wedding. Yeah, she's still saving. They've got the house deposit. They're trying to save for the wedding at the same time. But I'm imagining there's a lot of cost to moving from London up to the north. There's costs. There's conveyancing costs.

There's what you're going to buy. You're going to buy something that needs work. And we see this all the time, these big competing goals. And stretched very thin. I side we are married and i've had the wedding and on your side you are not even engaged but have the pinterest no engagement but you have the pinterest board yeah i'm ready to go and so like let me at it we're we're like those people that's like we've done it but it's not that important and other things are important we do think that's like, we've done it, but it's not that important and other things are important. We do think it's important.

Like we wouldn't say go and spend 200 pound on a wedding at the town hall and do nothing. Like we wouldn't say that either. But I don't want to be the killjoy of the person

that's like, and we've just got this vision and they've got a vibe. I would just ask every bride that you know that have been married for a couple of years and ask their opinion and i'm telling you it'll all be the same i genuinely think that people be like i'm i think we've mentioned it on the pod a few weeks ago like a couple that we know had done a bit of investigating with the friends because they'd eloped

and their partner was like how do you i wish i wish I had done that. Everyone was so jealous, so bitter that this couple had managed to have the wedding, the wedding of the dreams and thereby in-house. So like, same again,

they were trying to choose like a big life goal that they wanted to hit and went with one and not the other. But they did go for the other because they had an amazing wedding, but their friends

were still paying the wedding off four years later four years later and I'm not saying this person sounds very financially savvy debt free

renting going to buy up North like the best people not being ridiculous like come on now very sensible like doing a good job but I would just think

about spending £50,000 on a wedding I really would I think that's the point here like they're like they think that's what it's going cost and um i mean this is maths so we've not got a magic wand here we're very very clever at lots of things and we help lots of people but we don't have a magic

one and so it can't be oh we want the house and we want the wedding and we want to do it here we're gonna do it for free so no so if the's going to cost you at least 50, let's call it 50, then there's a total that you have to save. You have to save 50. And if you don't even want to get married before or at the same time as buying the house, then you have to put off buying the house until you're ready for that. Easy.

Like, if that's what you want to do. I sometimes play devil's advocate with people and go, fine, do that. Yeah. Because then they go, oh, but then that'll be three more years it's called compromise like it's a math situation there's no magic answer here what can bring the wedding forward a cheaper wedding yeah or not buying the house and that's where you have like it's where it's realization of like you know it's a first world problem I know for all of us but you have to compromise on something and it really helps you think about what's important is timing important or is the wedding important like the size of wedding because they can't they're not mutually exclusive like one will impact the other because I think if you if you get

people to do that and model different options like options so good option a is doing this option b is this sometimes it's a halfway ground and sometimes that feels right. I'm not telling you to like scrimp either or like have a really shit boring wedding. But I would love to come and cross a few people off your list. Yeah. Oh my God.

Give me the pen. Show me what's up. How much time does that person cost out to have a wedding? Depends where you are. Hundreds. Sometimes it can be a couple hundred pounds. When she's talking a 50,000 pound wedding,

I would then also challenge her and be like, it's not going to be 50. If you're telling me talking a 50,000 pound wedding, I would then also challenge her and be like, It's not going to be 50. No, no, no, no, no. Well, if you're telling me it's 50, it's more. Because costs come extra at the end. Yeah, but it means you're deciding on a particular type of wedding. So sometimes what's helpful there is,

for some people it's all or nothing. Like they don't want to go to a local thing around the corner and they don't, as in like, it sounds like this is a big wedding. So the best way to not have that big wedding is to have a small one rather than have a big wedding at a cheaper place

do you know what I mean so she doesn't want a big 20 grand wedding go for quality over quantity yes so this might end up being a super high end

dinner of 15 oh nice you know nice dress how classy cute photographer following you around like I've seen this thing

that you can get people to do like socials for your wedding which I think is sometimes better than a wedding photographer because you'll use it more imagine me doing mine

sorry she would do it you're not allowed can you imagine the freaking pictures so what you can have is you can have this elite wedding

that's quality I want to go but that's I mean you sold it to me we always talk about Jamie and Sophie Haboo and what not

getting married on the town hall steps of the Marleybourne so that's like yeah they did but like the first one appealed to me so much more

than the one in Spain I don't want people she was going to have the library and she had a bird on her head and then she ended up and she went and had breakfast out for meal

yeah and so I think there's that's the modelling situation where you go what do we want to do in what order and what's important because we can have any one of these but we can't have everything at once and it you look at these different options and sometimes like if you can't choose flip a coin and if you'll know if you don't like the option you'll be like i wish i was had thousand yeah but imagine imagine someone telling me at a pre-bride yeah just lower your expectations

but you did well though because think about the aspirational people that have done that so go to the people that have just had an amazing wedding go look at her instagram and be like oh my god that is iconic because it's different it's not what everyone else has done find these weddings and these shots and these moments that that people wish they would have had yeah and then like that's aspirational it doesn't have to be the huge huge huge thing i always say learn from everyone else's mistakes yeah when it comes to weddings just go on the forums and be like there will be hundreds of them where people like wish i didn't and then copy and paste it all into chat GPT and say,

write me a wedding for under 20 grand. Oh, that's such a good idea. We should do that. We'll do that as an experiment on social. But good luck. And it sounds like you've got, like you're on. You've got your shit together.

You've got your shit together and you're going to do fine whatever you do. Yeah. But don't overthink it. And send us the wedding pics. Yeah. Okay, community win. Doesn't sound like it,

but it is i had the worst look this month strong start i started my emergency fund savings 70 pounds and my car broke brackets dead dead this is like a rap i hadn't told my boyfriend of my financial situation brackets broke broke he pays bills i buy food i was scraping goodbye this literally sounds like a song sing it i was scared to tell him but his situation was 100 better than mine brackets no dip anyway i had to tell him because i couldn't get a new car he understood and bought me a new car which i needed for my job

so if anyone is scared to share their situation of debt with a significant other bite the bullet and do it because they might help in larger ways than you may predict they don't want to see a suffering i'm out of food shopping for the next few months until my debt until my money is sorted i'm gonna marry this man what a good guy i was so scared to tell him but he just said oh well life's happens and it's tough but we're a team that's not going on Instagram reels I feel like the brackets

were like the backing singers yeah broke broke had lips broke broke oh but do you know what the biggest win there was apart from the

outstanding rap it was don't be afraid to share yeah 100% I get why you said it's a win, not a win. Go on. This leads us very aptly onto our next dialogue.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Unfortunately. He's singing this one. She's going to say it in Spanish. Go ahead, Lucy. Duolingo is not that good. It's like the scene from Bridesmaids where she's like,

Olé. Consuelos. En la escuela. Hola. it's not that good it's like the scene from bridesmaids when she's like we're interrupting this pod to deliver a public service announcement ladies it's time to put your emergency funds to work that's right it's time to make your money work harder for you and we know the best place to put it so that you can take advantage of those high interest rates no more slumming it in a basic savings account you deserve better the trading two-on-two cash isa is the simplest way to save giving you at the time of recording 5.1 interest daily the flexibility to cash out any time and no account fees just a side note we hand pick our partners based on products that we like i personally have this isa if you want to get more out of your money opening cash isa with trading 212 is a great place to start so head to the link in the podcast description to get started

okay i've been hiding 17 000000 of debt since we started dating. Oh God. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is like dark humour where we're laughing at the coincidence rather than the reality and we're here to help. We're here. Okay.

I'm 42 years old and married and my partner and I have been together for 15 years. He is really sensible with money and is baffled by people who can't control themselves. People like me. Oh, God. Not funny. Not funny. It was the baffle because what I've done is I've pictured a lovely guy that's like,

they're eating over dinner. And he's like, How ridiculous! Oh, for God's sake. How can people? And she's like, Right. Okay, he's like how ridiculous oh for god's sake how can people and she's like right like okay he's baffled I feel embarrassed about my debt and it's starting to create tension in our relationship yet he has no idea about it how do I approach this with him should I should I share my struggles and ask for his support or should I tackle this on my own you said husband

husband of 15 years. Wow. £17,000. First of all, you must feel like a weight's been lifted off your shoulder just writing this dilemma in. Because if you've been keeping that from your husband, I imagine you've kept it from other people. And I'm sorry that you felt like you had to keep that a secret for so long.

I wonder what's been the catalyst to make you share it now. It sounds like you want to get your money shipped together. Sounds like you've gone, I don't want to do this anymore. It's unmanageable. If you're keeping it private, they obviously don't have, they might have some combined expenses and some not, but she's obviously able to, because she'll be making payments to these debts.

And if he is as like uber nerdy as she says he is, he will have his shit together. He will know all incomings and outgoings. So that's the first thing that she's probably been managing it but maybe it's got to a point where it's a little unmanageable and some people there's a term for this it's called financial infidelity yeah oh yeah now like this it sounds so so harsh but there's different reasons for it like sometimes it's we've talked about this before men and women have split finances the woman is carrying more of the costs

and it might be spending on the children or it might be beauty and appearances or it might be shopping it might be household stuff but it's stuff that he's not aware of what the things cost and she's you know and it sounds like it's gonna be a bit frugal and we're gonna be on it and she's been like oh let me live a little and that's her space yeah so there's an element many personalities coming to play yeah a lot of that but you know it's so financial infidelity though like it impacts both of you like if you've got a home if you may have a family together if you've got financial goals and there's something that one of you is doing that is holding back that goal secretively it is called that and i understand why it is but i can imagine like this must have just be tearing up inside because the problem is the longer it's gone on to be able to share that with him imagine how he's gonna feel yeah I'm trying

to be balanced on this because you know if a man if a woman had written in about a man being financially infinite I'd be like oh my god what an absolute arsehole how dare he do that that's a red flag that's a red flag like I know what so I'm trying to be have empathy because it must be awful like I said at the beginning I'm sorry that you've had to hold it in for so long but just think how your partner would will feel when you tell him because I feel like you're getting to a point where you might share but like Laura said you you are inevitably at some point in your life going to be hitting financial goals together and you are effectively holding those joint goals back it is on you it's your responsibility to share that and come up with some sort of solution not on your own together I've known people I've known it to be the other way around where

um another member of the couples come forward and they they've tackled it head on we've had community wins where people said just not one before where they shared that there's been some sort of debt on the other side

and the other person's got more to do and it might be because he's so he seems like he's vocal and baffled yeah but not personally

judging of her he doesn't until she shares he can't empathise well he'll see he must be full of solutions yeah for you to come he's the husband you want to be married to okay sort this out then Until she shares, he can't empathise. Well, he must be full of solutions. Yeah. For you to come, he's the clever.

As soon as you tell your husband you want to be married to... Okay, sort this out then. I think that's such a weighted position. I mean, firstly, as well, what I would say is to not tell him either it may come out at some point. It will come out. But two, the burden, the emotional and mental burden of carrying, can I pay off this 17,000 pounds myself

you know we don't know earning levels but like if he doesn't know where you're going to find that money from and it could get worse but mental health wise you will be carrying that and I don't think your health is worth not talking about this so what would I do and I love your angle here Lucy so if it's me firstly I'd really sit down and write down where you think the debt came from yeah because it's going to be the first thing he's going to ask and I really want you to think about whether some of it was your fault impulse spending I had a problem here it was this holiday I had a broken car I didn't want to ask for help I was too proud there's lots of different reasons why that debt ran up and the honest is the best policy firstly because it will help him empathize with

why you're in that position. But two, going forward, if you have an impulsive spending problem, you can work on it together. Or if you were carrying the burden of some expenses that really should have been split. The maths hasn't worked for the last 10 years because do you remember when I took a part-time role so I could look after the kids

and you carried on going back to work? I had to fill the gap somehow and I just didn't know how to share it with you. But also, money and mental health is intrinsically linked. Like Laura said, she might have a spending problem

and it's as serious as like an eating problem or a mental health problem. Yeah, it's 100% a mental health issue. It's not just a throwaway like, oh, I just wanted to buy stuff

on Klarna because I wanted to. No, no, like £17,000 is not an insignificant amount of money. That's a lot of money to go into debt for.

So you might have a problem that you need some help and empathy with. I'm also going to be a little bit toxic because I'm going to suggest the way that she could tackle it with him is two things. One, she could have run that up because of the way he judges people.

So she could have kept it because she was worried about what he would think of her. And so that's a card that you can play in a relationship, which is, it's your fault. It's it's your fault so this was a test and you failed but that's your fault but only if it's true so if so basically this is fault no no that could be one one perspective is and i've been trying to tell you and this is completely my fault like i have done this but you can imagine how hard it is

like you are so good and i'm not and I've covered this up and people do this with fitness and stuff all the time the other thing that I didn't go to the gym I just sat in my car I just went on TikTok yeah the other thing why have you not got a six-pack you've been going to the gym like two times a day for the other thing that she could do though especially is play to his better nature and his talent which is managing money so like you said if you want to be married to anyone in this scenario it's this guy and so I think definitely working up the courage to be transparent about it really thinking about why it happened and unpicking that and being prepared but then saying but I'm fed up with this this has been miserable I've wanted to tell you

so much I've tried to do it on my own because I didn't want to upset you and I didn't want to let you down um but I can't do it anymore and but I think we can do it together doing it together like 17 grand if he sounds like he's quite financially stable he will think it's a game he will be so excited some of the times I wish that Carl came on and went 30 grand in debt I'm like yes right we've got a plan let's double check I've been waiting

for this moment all of my life pause the whiteboard I'd be like time to shine I am kidding by the way I'm not taking debt lightly

we're going to do a scavenger hunt and you're going to unpick the clue it's really it can be and listen if you tell him

it's over I'm really sorry that we told you to do this but if that then it is what it is and so you tell him and it's over i'm really sorry that we told you to do this because but if that then it is what it is and so you cannot carry this this is not this is not 100 your fault do not feel shame about it get together a plan this could be the making of you both as a couple but as an individual you do have to take responsibility like you have got secret debt that you need to share with your partner that you yeah should be open and honest with and it might involve making changes because if you are an overspender or if you are spending

too much in areas that the budget like he will you have to allow him space to take control you will have to make change but you'll be supported and it'll be in a safe environment to do it and and like i said i think a problem shared is definitely better than doing it on your own for sure so I know we keep saying this but do let us know how you get on tell us what the chat was

and hopefully you're on a great debt free journey inspire someone else in the community to maybe share their secret debt with someone

definitely any final words no Holly's staring off into the distance like you're talking to me that's all for this episode the vault is now closed just a quick disclaimer the vault is just a chat or a live for many topics and we are not giving financial advice