The Vault with Financielle - No one is coming | The Vault Episode 5

Episode Date: March 28, 2024

Send us a textWelcome to The Vault with Financielle. Hosts Lucy, Laura and Holly delve into the world of money dilemmas from Leechy friends, getting the money ick, the benefits of budgeting and much much more! Nothing is off limits but everything is safe in the Vault.In this episode of The Vault, Lucy, Laura and Holly dive into the world of money focussed dilemas from the Financielle Community. The trio talk about females becoming financially independent of their partners, splitting restaurant bills with kids and joint account problems.- Visit https://www.financielle.co.uk to join our community!Chapters:00:00:00 - Introduction 00:02:41 - The Changing Script for Women in Relationships 00:05:03 - Splitting the Restaurant Bill with Friends with Children 00:09:55 - Bill Splitting Tips 00:12:36 - The Importance of an Emergency Fund 00:14:53 - Financial Struggles and Gender Pay Gap 00:17:15 - Sharing Financial Responsibilities in a RelationshipThe Vault is an entertaining yet thought provoking podcast that answers our community’s dilemmas and confessions surrounding women and money.Visit https://www.financielle.com to download our app.Watch the podcast on YouTube.Follow Financielle for more:▶︎ TikTok▶︎ InstagramAbout Financielle:Financielle is a female focussed finance app helping women to take back control of their money, ditch debt, increase savings and invest in their future.Recorded and Produced by Liverpool Podcast Studios▶︎ Web ▶︎ Instagram▶︎ LinkedIn

just go ham on the menu and make up for it in yours. Welcome to The Vault with Financial, a safe space to talk all things life and money. Hello, welcome to The Vault. It's nice to be back. As always, I'm going to start off with the little tiktok my favorite thing um so let me know what you guys think of this one you can't financially provide for me because i provide for myself you cannot motivate me because i motivate myself you cannot buy me a home because i bought them myself. You cannot cater for me in that way because I can go and buy myself whatever the fuck I want. But where you can come in is you can mentally stimulate me, distract me from work in a positive way, book things for me, protect me.

Babe, if I'm coming home from work and I'm tired, sit me down. Be like, you eating today? Have you had food today? And that didn't happen? No. Maybe had I been patient, it would have got better. But in all honesty, I didn't want that. Like, I didn't want to wait.

I didn't want to be patient for it. I'm going to be honest. I needed a man and I want a man who is like, babe, I've booked this place for us. I'm picking you up. You're out of office. I've handled it with your PA. Sounds just like my life.

It's Chrissy Cheller, isn't it? Yes. I've just got so much time for her as a businesswoman. And she's been through a real tough time, but a real amazing time when it comes to business. And I've not heard her speak a businesswoman. And it's, you know, she's been through a real tough time, but a real amazing time when it comes to business. And I've not heard her speak like that before. That's a really interesting take on maybe like the power dynamics and traditionally maybe she's felt that people she's been with,

especially like, you know, maybe an ex-partner, thinks that their job is to provide and then that's good enough and it's really interesting how she's flipped the script a little bit what do you think we literally was recently we wrote a blog about whether you should do like pay 50 50 for the bill and that kind of thing and times have changed like massively like years ago it would I think personally she might have been on there saying I want you to take me out for dinner like I want you to buy me nice things because that used to be the rhetoric I can't around like women money and relationships well in like Hollywood movies yeah that's what happens

we've literally been brought up thinking that that's what happens like you will be provided for you will be looked after and I think so many women have this vision of that's what it was but the script has absolutely flipped I think I think with female entrepreneurs coming onto the scene, like you, Grace Bevel, they can provide for themselves. They don't, so I feel like it trickles down. It's like a fashion trend. Yes, it does. Everything trickles down to us minions.

To us models. No, but it is, it trickles down. I think the sentiment now is, you know, there is much more equality and women do want to kind of provide for themselves like I've seen so many TikToks and you'll see them like really dramatic

like speeches where women's like no one's coming no one is coming like you've got to do it yourself Mel Robbins very Mel Robbins very like Oprah

but yeah no one's coming I quite like that she's like she got herself into a situation whereby whether a man is there or not she's going to be okay well and so

what I like is she wants someone to care for her that's what the message is so not to so and empathy

it's like can someone have empathy for what my day was like that you don't need like you don't need to take me out to dinner and pay for it

it's more can you if you empathize with my life right now and you can see my back to back to back to back work schedule and the fact that I've probably not eaten that day, actually, I've gone crazy. And you probably think that for my wellbeing, I need a bit of headspace. Like I might want you to be like, I'm taking your phone off here. We're going to put it in that corner. We're going to watch some like maths or we're going to, um, and you're going to say that there was a massive but she wants someone that cares and that sits there and goes i wonder what your day was like

how can i help that and that surprise and delight doesn't have to be a financial surprise and delight it could be something really simple like cooking dinner or getting dinner or um yeah just like acts of service me and my husband did like a personality quiz the other day like yeah and we're still going strong you should not be together um my my thing that i appreciate the most is like acts of service so now he's very good at being like organized for me. Cause I'm not, I'm quite scatting. He's,

he's become like, he can recognize now that, Oh, she's going down to London. She's not booked a train ticket. Do you want me to book a train ticket? That's actually service. Literally.

I didn't realize it. Do a personality quiz. Like a couple. Compatibility. Compatibility, not a personality quiz. Compatibility. You are compatible. But yeah but yeah um acts of service so her love language it looks like it's acts of service i.e not buying

someone or taking someone somewhere thinking about someone ahead of time and planning things for them taking the mental load off yeah yeah like that yeah what do you think about it though I feel like she was clearly describing a past partner and she maybe hasn't had that before but so I wonder if she got into a relationship where she got all of those things would she really be happy or is that is it just the idea like creating someone in your head that does all of these things? Yeah, like a new boyfriend's like, well, you've watched this.

I'm going to book a weekend away. She's like, why have you done that? Yeah, I'm so busy. You can see it all falling apart now. I'll send my husband around. I like the idea. You can borrow him. So I've got a dilemma for you.

This is a funny one i think so should we keep splitting restaurant builds with friends who have children i mean we're the two with children and you're the one with that so anonymous was this you lydia did you write this one me and my partner are lucky to be in a great friendship group who are super social

many of the couples now okay this is definitely our life keep going many of the couples now have grown up children in fact

we're the only couple in the group without children at least once a month that's so organised for grown ups this is definitely not us no one wrote this about us

we all make sure to get at least once about us we all make sure to get well at least once a month we all make sure to get to get to get together for a dinner in our local restaurant and we go and the go-to thing is to split the bill with no issues we look forward to these every month but for the past few times something has been bothering us recently the other couples have been bringing their teenagers along they They all get along and enjoy spending time together. It's great. However, we definitely have noticed the bill going up when we go to pay. There's five children that come along, so it does add an extra chunk onto the bill.

Without mentioning, we still just split the bill equally between the couples, which me and my partner are starting to get annoyed with. Are we within our right to say something should we continue to subsidize the other's children's the other's children's the other's children or ask for a more way more fair way to split the bill i hate to be that person but it i hate to be that person but it's itching away at us be that person i just are full-grown adults like there is no way that if we like we don't have any teenagers that they're younger than that but we would never at the rate they eat like true

determined that they it's like so when they're so sometimes when they're little we've done it like where you just pay for adults because for the relative like four five pound children's meal that they may have not even eaten, the dads have all had an extra beer or dessert or an extra side. We hang out with people that have kids. So you tend to split the bill. I don't think there's a time where we would necessarily go out with people without children.

Some families though we do it and we split and they don't have children and we tend to do it. It's more, you can kind of get, this is the same whether there's children or not, by the way. it could be someone who doesn't drink or it could be someone who like um Holly's husband loves starters it's his thing and so it's stressful it's he is and it's stressful you're really hungry because you know the starters are going to come first and you're like can the starters come with me if I invite you to a small plates restaurant, do not come with me. Go on the next table. Beauty and the Beast, be my guest.

He's like, next, next. Gambas, pill, pill. Times two. It's like a nice, like tidy price. And so, but I think as long as you can recognise that and pay for your relative bits, then splitting bill is fine, which it might be. I'll pay a little bit more or you can kind of see across the table

that things have evened out. But children, like if someone doesn't have children and they're splitting the bill, they're teenagers. They're grown-ups. How do you do it? I think she's got to get in there when it's the bill time. You go and ask for the bill and then be like, okay, so they split it between, like, just go and do it behind the box.

They've split it by people. That's funny. They know whose children are who yeah they must really know as well you probably have to be vocal about it it doesn't happen the next time

so grab the bill and be like okay so we've worked out that for your teens like make it obvious don't be like for the kids

because if you're dressing them up as kids it's like oh they are usually like what three to five pounds so you can let it go but teenagers they're having a steak.

I've got friends, kids that have steak and chips and would have a glass of wine if they could. I feel like you've got two options to do that. Or just go ham on the menu. And make a pour in yours. Yeah. Get more credit. Filet mignon.

Do you want extra sauce? Yeah, I do. Do you want chunky chips instead of fries? Yeah, I do. Make them truffle. We don't do that wine by the glass. credit filet mignon do you want extra sauce yeah i do do i want chunky chips instead of fries yeah yeah i do make them truffle we don't do we don't do that wine by the glass we'll have the bottle take the tupperware get your money how would you handle we've talked about bill splitting before come on give us your tips oh i don't want to confess what i've done so now you have to did you run out i i snuck off and I was I paid for my own because it was

like a Christmas thing obviously a couple months ago I just snuck off and asked if I could pay my own thing because it was 16 pounds instead of 45 respect because I don't drink yeah I'm sorry that's everyone's getting the cocktails in it's's like, yeah, get another few sex on the beaches. Sex is on the beach. Sex on the beaches. Sex on the beaches. I think sex on the beaches-ish. But I think that's fair. And most normal people would be like, fair play.

And you saying, I've paid my bit, guys. Did you do a WhatsApp drop? I've paid. I'm sorry I had to dash. My train was coming in. Don't worry, covered mine. Yeah. Have fun. Just run into the night. Yeah. Cinderella. I think that's fair. I've paid I'm sorry I had to dash my train was coming in don't worry covered mine yeah have fun

just run into the night like yeah Cinderella I think that's fair I do I think you have to you have to stand up

at the table don't worry I will split shameless yes yeah you have to say it loud and proud

because when it's done once then next time you can carry on to look forward loud budgeting I've paid and i'm proud loud budgeting yeah budgeting budgeting but also factual again like there's just these moments sometimes where if someone's coppering up to kind of they might have even had more but they

i don't know like there's something about if it's there or thereabouts it's a bit of a headache to overthink but there's i think drinking and not there or thereabouts, it's a bit of a headache to overthink. But I think drinking and not drinking, bougie taste and not bougie taste, or appetite or whatever, and kids definitely. And by the time kids, if it's a little bit on the side, in some restaurants it's as expensive as one more drink. And so I've seen it where we just go,

let's just split amongst the adults. But no, we're parents and we're telling you, raise it and the cheeky. Yes it not okay so i've got a community win which is a lovely one so i was putting off doing my budget for the longest time ignorance truly was bliss until i ripped the band-aid off and faced up to my figures i've been following fine the financial method for two months now and I've seen the biggest change. I saved up a mini emergency fund which I had to use recently and it's made me realise its importance and I've budgeted for every penny. It felt strange at first almost like I had no money because everything was accounted for. Now I can't believe I didn't do it sooner. It's given me ultimate peace

of mind. Oh well done. Very freeing. Do you know what? It's a really good point. When you do your budget for the first time and the financial method is obviously your income and then your flexible, fixed expenses, flexible expenses, and your sinking funds. And the sinking funds are parts of money for expenses that are coming up. They're not not coming up. They are coming, whether it's this month, next month, next year, they're coming. When you start to divide all that up and you put it away into the different parts, it suddenly feels like're not left with a lot and it can it feels really frustrating you're like where's all my money gone I'm like extra organized and and I've not got a lot but when you need that money from that part over there whether it be like car tires going or suddenly like a washing machine breaks and there's a home maintenance pot somewhere or you know you need you need a new

outfit for work or whatever and there's a little bit of money or you need a new outfit for work or whatever and there's a little bit of money in a clothing fund, the peace of mind, that's the words you gave, is just amazing. So it feels like- It's like a spark. Yeah, light bulb moment. That's why.

Oh. That's why you do that. But until that point, it feels really restrictive. It feels like you've not got a lot, which is literally, you know, it's not a bad thing for some of us sometimes to feel that restrictiveness and to feel that um that plan in place and then you can dip into it if you need it well done thank you so proud so if you want to tell us your wins please post them in the community

in the app or email us at the vault at financial.com time for dilemma number two so should my partner be paying more towards the bills since they earn more? Oh, I mean, this is topical on this episode for splitting. So let's hear it. So my husband of 10 years earns more than double what I do. We both pay the same towards our household bills. With the current energy prices, splitting the bills this way literally puts me into fuel poverty as more than 10% of my income is spent on energy. Yet I of course get no help as my partner's income means that as a household we are not eligible. I have very little left over at the end of paying all of my expenses and I feel like I spend more

on my personal account on things for children here and there. We've always done it this way but I don't know how much longer I can go on. I don't have enough left over to protect my future self or build up any form of savings. Please tell me there's a solution to this. Did you say she said double her husband's? Double. More than double what I do. Married 10 years.

I would expect this kind of, I was just about to say, I would expect this conversation at the start of a relationship where you're trying to suss out each other's money personalities. It's like they're still treading. Literally. Which bed do you sleep on?

I do left, dude. You're right. We're in that territory and they've been together 10 years and got children. Not good enough. So many women, in particular,

because of the gender pay gap, fall foul to this because their partner earns more because of the patriarchy. And they're expected to pay 50-50 in the household. Or pay for more when it comes to the more like children,

children's holidays, household expenses. Cleaning products. It's not good enough. So there is no rules about whether you have to combine finances or not. If you feel comfortable putting everything in one account because you're married and it's, you know know legally each other's anyway kind of thing and that works really well for you do it you can still budget together but keep your money separate and it's one of the best things that you can do for your relationship because what it does is in the budget

it puts it all in the income line so it's not you earn three grand this month and I earn one and a half. It's we have earned four and a half this month. How do we want to spend it? And you can stay. I don't mind him. I mean, I wouldn't like this, but if he feels he earns more, so he would like more personal money. I feel like she'd even be okay with that. What she's saying is I'm actually in poverty here because we're doing 50 50 yeah it's just absolutely ridiculous and we don't know that like you know whether she has taken time out to look after the children we don't know whether she's got a less a career that you don't earn as much in a more part-time that's flexible to help with the children in the house there's lots of things you don't know but nothing is like in life is 50 50 That's really naive. I think when you're younger, earnings tend to be a bit closer together. So 50-50 does make sense. But as these pay gaps start to come into play and it could be the reverse, by the way, it could be the woman earning more.

That is just ridiculous. However, I'm not calling him out on it. I'm calling the situation. Sounds like she's just not raised it and he could just be going through life and not really realizing that he's like, oh, shall I buy another golf really realizing that he's like oh shall i buy another golf club and she's like uh should i put the fleece on and the socks on

because i'm cold i think we've spoken to community members before whereby they've not kind of shared with the husband that they're falling behind and they were really worried about telling them and share and looking like they were trying to like grab more money and i'm like you literally can't survive you know they were paying more for the time the kids clothes, like we're growing out the clothes of which they do every week. They were going to the supermarket, buying them new clothes,

buying them snacks. They were looking after them in the day. They were buying the nappies from Aldi. Like they didn't realize. I was like, you literally need to write down

how much you are spending on your children, how much you have to your name and how much you spend on joint expenses in the household and circle them or highlight them

joint expenses, present them back. This isn't an attacking thing thing it's sitting down and just being vulnerable and open and honest with the person that's sat across from you that you're building a life together it's really important yeah it's it's a funny one isn't it it's when we think about um what things cost when you're the person that spends it most you know more but the other person whoever is in the relationship might not and so it can really help to see those monzo pings and oh okay they're doing this or they're doing that and actually to be very very to learn about that and what i would say is for a minimum start anything that's family expenses make sure it's not from your personal

account and so if there's a if you have a system where there's a joint account and it's running low, then you need to have that conversation. But I can't express enough how wonderful it is as a couple to pool money, even if it's not physically mixing it up together, to kind of come together and go, these are just numbers, I earn this, you earn this.

What do we both want to do in life? What do we want to do next week what do we both want to do in life what do we want to do next week what do we want to do today yeah and can we collectively afford to do it because what you see time after time is when you split bills and you split meals and you split like um responsibilities evenly that doesn't reflect someone's gonna be left behind it's usually usually the woman so um you've got like a money goal to go on holiday together and the other person's like we're not we're not going because i can't afford it yeah literally how do you face that then you don't that's why getting financial goals aligned is really important as well because the numbers are numbers and one person's gonna go

i can't hit that and it's not my fault some people do like the percentage method where you take your proportional yeah you're proportional so you take your earnings and you look at the percent and and honestly if you are responsible with money because i think if you'd like if you're irresponsible if you're spending on stuff that you shouldn't be spending on and you know that and i can imagine why someone wouldn't want to then well i'm going to put more in and you're just going to spend it in a place that's frivolrivolous way. Yeah, in a frivolous way. That's a great word. So actually, but if you're not in that place, as the person that earns more, because I've been both, I've been the person that earns more, I've been the person that's earned way less. It's such an amazing thing to support your family.

It's just like, once you start thinking of it as not yours and it's the family's, especially when you've been together 10 years and presumably have children because she's referenced it. That is the ultimate. That's the goal. Because you don't, it's not me and mine. Yeah, 10 years in, you know, you've done a shift. Like, you know whether you're there to stay or you're not. So live the life together, like have abundance.

That's what you always say. When you're creating a budget, put it in together and have that feeling of abundance rather than one person's scarcity. Good, I could never do this. I'm so picky um i'm vocal about it because we kind of like do our budget and we both put it used to be equal amounts into like eating out fund and i'll be like hold on you will order way more food than me you also finished mine so like you had one and a half do you invite him?

You should invite him for the 50% cheeseburger. Monza request. I think you were also not married, not with children, not in that space yet. And so like easy, easy and gently and get him to listen to this and see what it says.

Just send him a Monza request. I do. That's how you communicate now. So I'm going to close the vault any final words? again I think we said it on the last podcast

like honesty and transparency is going to help our community members through these dilemmas that they're facing and if not just come and drop us a DM

and we'll talk it out yeah absolutely so that's all for this episode the vault is now closed. Don't forget to invite your friends into The Vault and share this podcast.

Send us your dilemmas over email or voice note to thevaultatfinancial.com. And just a disclaimer, The Vault is just a chat around life and money and we are definitely not giving financial advice.