The Vault with Financielle - “£60K Debt And My Boyfriend Won’t Accept Help” | The Vault Episode 47

Episode Date: January 16, 2025

Send us a textIn Episode 47 of The Vault, we discuss this week’s controversial opinion, “Cutting back on friends’ celebrations is fine”, before diving into our listener dilemmas:💸 "Should I prioritise my kids' savings or my pension?”💸 "We’re in 60k debt, but my boyfriend won’t accept the money to clear it”We’re super excited about a big win! In just 6 months with Financielle, this community member has boosted their net worth by 121.5%! We’re so thrilled and grateful to be part of their money journey! 💸✨If you’d like to share your money win, head to the community in the Financielle app or email [e-mail] Send your (totally anonymous) money dilemmas to [e-mail] and we may feature yours on a future episode 💌As a Vault listener, you can get a whopping 25% off our digital course, The Money Playbook. This is a step by step guide to being financially well. It has 101 lessons where you'll learn how to budget, ditch debt, build savings and grow wealth. Use this offer code at checkout: VAULTCheck out The Money Playbook course here  💸Chapters:00:00 Introduction00:45 Welcome to The Vault00:59 Nail Care and Beauty Budgeting02:18 The Cost of Beauty Maintenance04:03 Skincare and Makeup Tips08:16 The Expense of Social Celebrations15:38 Vibe Check and Friend Dynamics16:11 Hilarious Dinner Incident17:43 Cherie's Wedding Plans18:44 Dilemma: Kids' Savings vs. Pension20:08 Financial Recovery and Planning28:37 Community Wins and Net Worth30:01 Dilemma: Clearing Debt with Family Money37:08 ConclusionThe Vault is an entertaining yet thought provoking podcast that answers our community’s dilemmas and confessions surrounding women and money.Visit https://www.financielle.com to download our app.Watch the podcast on YouTube.Follow Financielle for more:▶︎ TikTok▶︎ InstagramAbout Financielle:Financielle is a female focussed finance app helping women to take back control of their money, ditch debt, increase savings and invest in their future.Recorded and Produced by Liverpool Podcast Studios▶︎ Web ▶︎ Instagram▶︎ LinkedIn

Hey everyone, it's Holly here. Before we get into the episode, I want to share something exciting. That's right. If you're looking to take control of your money, the Financial app is your go-to tool. With the app, you can track your spending, create realistic budgets, and hit your money goals faster than ever. In fact, did you know our premium community members save three and a half times more than our free users? That's incredible. Plus, you'll be part of an amazing community where we all support each other on our money journeys. Whether you're starting to pay off debt or planning for your future, the app has everything that you need to make it happen.

So what are you waiting for? Download the Financial app today and start your free trial. Trust us, your future self will wish you did it sooner. Welcome to The Vault with Financial. This is a safe space where we talk all things life and money and no topics are off limits. Hello. Howdy. Good morning. Hey, howdy. Howdy, partner. How are you all doing? Good. I'm cosy. I'm doing good. I've been my nail era. I'm still going. I feel like we talked about this quite a long time ago going strong we talked about this about looking polished

and it's always been something that went from my budget as a like years and years ago obviously I'm doing quite a lot of stuff

on TV and I just kept seeing my nails and everyone else has their nails done and I'm not usually one to be like I'm not being influenced

but I felt that I've got these cue cards and you see my hands and they're just yeah true and like I don't funny I would never look and think oh that but you but you do see your own yeah you like zoom in don't you but isn't how much more money do you think you spend on your appearance than like your male count counterpart I don't know they're very handsome I'm sure they have a lot of money spent on them yeah you get waxed more than me

she's got less hair than I have yeah probably not as much and it's not a requirement either I definitely feel that I've

do you know some of it's not even been the BBC stuff it's been like TikToks and socials and I just it's when you like take a picture of your coffee

and you're like yeah which is why I'm never and socials and I just it's when you like take a picture of your coffee and you're like yeah which is why I'm never on socials and she's hiding her fingers I mean they are painted but they're chipped

they look neat they look from here they look neat what do we do we just move fast yeah we go move fast what I'm going to do

and it is a task for later this month ready for the next budget is I don't think I've got my beauty sinking funds in the right place for this so so I kind of nicked the money from some another part and and mindset around hair and the girl's hair and um and Carl's haircuts and that's kind of it but I have started to invest more in some beauty treatments and again I'm always really conscious about sharing it because I want to be honest and share with people

yeah what's in my budget but also I'm in a different place to other people yeah don't compare don't you know and don't think this is me saying if you are in loads of debt but you like getting your lashes and your eyebrows and your nails done I'm not saying that you shouldn't get all that done you should really look at your budget and say what we've talked about this before what your non-negotiables yeah and then can you space out all the things or can you go without or can you do yourself? I cannot do my nails myself. So that's one of the reasons

why I don't do it myself. But I'm definitely out. I'm not putting enough in. So I need to look at my skincare, my eyebrows, my nails, my hair. And possibly I want to do a few extra blow dries. It's always been something on my bougie budget that I've wanted where my blow dry can last a week.

So if I can get that done, I can even do work usually while I have it done yeah I've just not got the um the there's an extra win for me but I have to pay for it properly and that's my I think I under egg my beauty budget and it's most hair's main character energy in it yeah everyone's hair it's just it's so expensive it's like the biggest expense isn't it for a woman probably when it comes to upkeep of beauty treatment so you're kind of focusing on that but you're right I have skin

like I don't have skincare in my sinking fund yeah I take out like groceries food yeah and entertainment

and stuff I'll just drag it foundations like when I need to top up your foundation that is not chief even for like

a budget brand it's so expensive now I or my mum is like missing skincare and beauty like she's our she'll go and find everything and then she'll tell us isn't it funny skincare plug yeah she's you know she's not got kids at home anymore she has our grandkids at home so it's a little bit different but as in she's got a bit more time it's a hobby yeah yeah

it's like a i'll say i need this and then what should i get she's like oh wow she's like i do pay for it yeah yeah but she does she likes it she enjoys it so I often looked to her the other day I was like I need a new foundation she was like

the one you've got is perfect it's True Match it's L'Oreal it's High Street you don't need to get a better one and I'm sure

it's under 15 quid is it the True Match no it's a pump one but I was thinking in my head oh I should probably

get you know a Charlotte Tilbury aura if it's working why no I wear makeup for this podcast

let's not pretend they're doing maybe one other time in the month I've probably had it three years she's probably like so you need to throw

that one away because it says on the bottle doesn't it six months twelve months like how long you've had it open for I mean

I'm also like of course they say that because they invite you but then I need... Some things, probably, yesterday I was in the vitamin box

and I was like, Neil, there's all these vitamins and I was like, here, have this and I happened to just look on the bottom

and it was like, best before 2022. I was like, maybe not this one, threw that one away, found another one, I was like, this will do.

Best before, first of the first, 2023. I was like, they're gone. So I actually just need a reminder, do a bit clear out of your-

Of your old stuff. Edibles, especially. Yeah. I need to, basically, you can't lie. Not can't lie, but if you're going to spend, it's the truth.

Don't lie to yourself. If you're going to spend it, put it in. I'm lying to myself about how much my maintenance costs. Just because you ate it in the car. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I ate a chocolate bar from the petrol station in the car do you mean yeah i ate a chocolate bar from the petrol station in the car but i'm eating healthy bob in there yorkie honeycomb just in

case you're wondering my petrol station what's your twirl petrol is it a duo though surely a massive one no i said this the other day i had a twirl and a cup of tea and I just happened to look I wasn't looking for the calories but on the back I saw one portion is one stick nope if it's in one packet and it's not a duo like Holly said like we're talking a regular pack he was saying one portion is one stick no if it's not like a kinder bueno that's wrapped individually still that's not still i would always eat two who eats one you don't share it will no no oh my god you have to fight me to get the other half of my phone what's your um petrol well i don't get out of the petrol station do i all right let me reframe it what does alex get you from the petrol station if you like do you want to know the keys when you're on your own she's you won't be on her own she doesn't drive that's what I mean that's why not with Alex

yeah I'm going for crisp oh yeah you are safe I like a salt and vinegar hula hoop yeah the massive bags though pickled onion space raiders

you and Neil have a love for cheap crisps don't you yeah like space raiders expensive crisps aren't that good no like too crunchy sometimes

the only ones I do like and I tend I don't know why it ruins my tongue for some reason, but do you know the sensations of chicken ones? If I eat like half a bag of those, I can't feel my tongue after. They've been allergic. The best crisps. Go on.

Co-op. Oh, you two love it, don't you? Chardonnay, vinegar. I'm not a salt and vinegar girl. I want like a tongue can go for the next day. Yeah, like it's got to hurt. Like she's a cat. It's got to hurt.

It's got to take the top layer off your tongue. I want to be like my eyelids sweating. I'm like, I love this. That's why we beef hula hoops. When you bought, when you like, I was with them, I remember this was a few weeks ago now. I named it in the same series with Auntie Ruth. We both love salt and vinegar.

And there was some like novelty crisps um i think it was halloween time um and it was all to vinegar like like monster munchie but they were ghosts yeah they were puff and they were salt vinegar had them she got a bag as well so i got back to my god did you compare notes i took one mouthful and i went rubbish so tex her going these are not vinegary enough and she was like oh my god I thought the same thing I mean I still ate the burger

there's nothing worse shake them up yeah yeah there's actually nothing worse and they're basically ruddy salted

yeah okay controversial opinion time cutting back on friends celebrations is fine oh that's an interesting one celebrations

I'm talking birthday parties yeah christening yeah um what other celebrations are there baby showers baby showers do you know what it's hard to manage those things when you're in a couple but as a single person i am all for single people single person tax is a real thing and imagine going to these individual things and you've not had your wedding and you've not had your child and you know and still being so giving I don't think people when they're in that bubble appreciate the financial um like um burden

burden that it puts on single people so I'm all about staying at home as we know but I'm also about celebrating with friends as well. And I think it's a time to pick and choose. You have to pick and choose depending on where you are in your money journey, but also being forgiving of people that are a single person ever. It is so expensive. You see the threads, don't you, on forums and stuff

and famous reels of people taking the piss out of how many hendoos they've got to go on this year and it basically equates to like a house deposit so they have to make a decision you're gonna have to say no no is a complete sentence like social media especially like influencer driven every event is a piece of content yeah and i think it's really hard to step back from that and so all of our friendship groups now depending on you know how into social media or not they are it's an opportunity for content and so that's super difficult because it makes an event bigger it in fact it's invented new events that we didn't

used to have to do um gender reveal yeah I'm not going to one don't invite me I'm not going I wish you the best are they only like a recent thing yeah last few years do you have to have a baby shower I don't have a baby shower

did I with either I think I was like I am not being stood up like with my hand under my bump and like having to host

no we did do one for Laura but we basically just got drunk to be honest not Laura that was a good one other than that we then just got drunk to be honest not Laura that was a good one other than that

we didn't have one it was a party there was no did we do one for Albie no I think it was I didn't want a hen do I had a bridal shower

which again still an event still requiring friends to come but it wasn't like not just a big epic requirement and celebration

but like say the day of social media it's so you would feel like short changed if you didn't have at least one big main event how are people waiting

for gender reveals as well like tell me right then and there as soon as it's awkward the scanner person knows I want to know oh really

I didn't find out with any did you no surprise no is that also like a new thing finding out yeah no Really? I didn't find out with any. Did you? No. Surprise! No? Is that also like a new thing? Finding out?

Yeah. No. I think the day that people could have... Yeah, I think it's a 50-50 thing. You're just one of two camps and there's... Yeah. Oh my God, I would have to know. Yeah, you couldn't. Surprise.

Every single thing. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, you'd be in that there. That's funny, isn't it? Kept it a surprise. But yeah, I'm not yeah you're allowed to say no

yeah you're allowed to say no unfortunately it's harder when you're younger I know we use that a lot but like the older you get the smaller your friendship group goes

whether you like it or not but like and you can celebrate what's hard is making sure you put the effort in to celebrate the friend and not tie it to the thing. To money, to monetary value. Yeah.

And to the event where you're required and your worth as a friend is connected to that. Because you could have a scenario where you don't want to pay to go to that thing for your friend. And we're talking about good friends here. But over here, you're smoking money over there and you're like, do this. Like actually, you've been in like where show me your budget I'll tell you a lot about you and what I have been really sad about in the past is where people kind of talk about I've got all this debt and I've got I'm on this money journey I want to save for a house but it's a big year oh I've got two friends pregnant and I've got this and I've got that and I've been to three weddings abroad

because their entire year is hijacked by other people's goals and especially as a single person sometimes when you're paying out for all these things it just tips the balance so but you can you can handle it and you can kind of manage both a little bit but it takes work you have to be super organized you have to plan your money you have to plan your year and you have to plan your sacrifices and some sacrifices might be things in your personal life to be able to do them to go to things

and some things might be I'm saying no to some things or I'm doing a variation of or I'm being the driver I'm not coming for the weekend I'm going to get you a gift but I'm not going to do this you could plan as much

as you want but you know when you're in those WhatsApp groups and like spanners get thrown in left right and centre like so we're going to add on an afternoon tea and then we're going to

add on a night out and then we're going to add on a everyone out and then we're going to add on a, everyone get a fancy dress and can you all chuck 20 quid in because we've bought all the decorations for, it can become hijacked if you know that your group of friends. Hijacked, can do hijacked.

Yeah. If you know that's going to happen with you and a certain bunch of friends, it might be worth saying no because the anxiety that might come with what extra cost or they're gonna be all at a table on a night out and the one of them oh it's order a grey goose because it's a hindu you know and then you're like oh i'm gonna monzo you all after 50 quid

each you're like hang on a minute i've only had that's where having you know real conviction in yourself means you can enjoy these events and say no so and I really want a lot of especially girls listening to this who feel like you get dragged along like it is okay to be the non-drinker even forever or just for that night it is okay to say this is my budget like I cannot call them if we're not doing this because if your friends are true friends you either want to see me or you don't yeah but it's transparent from the start yeah and it's like you know and it's not being embarrassed or ashamed of that like I just think that's a real thing I feel like the friends in my life the different things that we we've got going on if I said I'm watching uh my money this month I can do this like do we think this is workable

I just think it'd be taken okay and if it's not taken okay and it's hard if it's like the friend of the person who's your friend like you know it's like other people planning the I'm picking hen do because it's a more obvious one yeah but then god hen do dynamics be brave to say no people like be brave my immediate reaction to literally I've said this before any plan I'm like no and then I'll come around to the idea eventually which is kind of good because then it's like I'll literally be like I'm not coming and then I'm and then it's like maybe I will come for a little bit of it yeah you don't want to miss out you have to say no as well I said you can be there and yeah and protect your boundaries this is like this is bad this is choice like it could be lifestyle choice

boundaries it could be money or it boundaries. My social battery is dead and that would kill me off. If you said to me, Cinderella, midnight, got to go home. If you said to us, we've got to go on a hen weekend for two nights away

to a Benidorm or something. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I'm not doing it. Not for money. We're going to Cherie's hen do. Can't wait.

Did you know? That's hen do. Can't wait. Does she know? I don't know. We'll take that out. Can you beep? Can we beep? She's a listener. She might guess from this. From the strippers.

No. From Big Block Overholly. I'm sure she won't. Magic Mike. But, like... Can you think about that? It just completely vibed because it was like... over Holly I'm sure she won't magic mic but but like can you think about that it just completely vibed

because it was like the the expectations meet the friend and like you're like I am going all in because that is right

up my street it's a defined period of time and she'll be in bed for seven o'clock like I know her she's not staying out all night

she's like I love you all but I'm going home now like that is the vibe check from her so I'm happy to go whereas her other friends will stay out all night. She's like, I love you all, but I'm going home now. Like that is the vibe check from her. So I'm happy to go. Whereas her other friends will stay out all night and she'll be like, enjoy.

Like I love her for that. When we went out for dinner to Piccolino's in Hale and then the waiter was Italian. It was Piccolino's. It was not from Hale. And she ordered a coffee and she's from Burnley

so I'm going to take on her accent not very well and she said can I have some oat milk and he went what I was crying laughing oat milk

there was like a mirrored wall behind I was facing a mirrored wall and she was sat there and she's talking to the waiter behind me and she's trying to say it over and over again

so they went and bought his friend who was English who still didn't know what she was saying sorry what and she was like an oat milk

oat milk and he was like oat milk what is that and she's looking to the posh girl who's serving us and I'm crying

laughing in the corner oh your shoulders are shaking she also asked for a diet coke and he was like okay I'll also asked for a diet coke and he was like okay I'll go and get you a diet coke and like mirrored her accent back to her

I just couldn't function for the whole night I was just crying laughing and God help the people either side of us when we go out with this particular group of friends very noisy we have to give each other we've talked about this before with you or the pepper

you're only allowed to talk if you have the pepper shaker. Multiple breaches. Lots of breaches. No one follows the rules. There's a few select rule breakers and they know who they are. But in the end, she got some warm regular milk. I thought she said warm, not oat. Anyway, that's Sheree.

Henry coming up it's a and like but I feel this is the perfect example of you'd say yes to something that fits your lifestyle

if one of her friends had said we're going to do a weekend in Benidorm not only would she probably would have said no but you also would have been confident

in saying that's not for me I am still going to celebrate with you yeah because Cherie's actually getting married in Barbados and a few people are going in the group or our extended group and some people aren't yeah

and she wasn't like are you gonna come she was just I think she knows I've got family with two kids and we do our we do a lot of our own traveling and I wouldn't necessarily just go and do it that and she knew that and the the vibe was met like she just got it easier when you're older we're older so it's like we're long in the tooth what do you think I'm going to say what do you think

but then you wouldn't go anyway I'm a planned counsellor so cutting back on friend celebrations is fine

done done flaky McFlakeson okay dilemma number one. Should I prioritize my kids' savings or my pension? Hi ladies, I've recovered financially from an awful divorce eight years ago where I left with less than 50% equity, no furniture or other assets. I only earned 23k part-time then with no child support from my arsehole ex-husband.

So it is possible to recover with with some frugal living but I'm now in the best place I've been in since then and I'm not sure what to do next. I own my own house and 45k a year and have a car etc. I have 20k in an emergency fund, 4k in a stocks and shares ISA and no debt my new partner has just moved in and is now paying me 500 pounds a month I don't know what to do with this money at the moment I'm just living my best life and buying stuff I've wanted for ages e.g extra plates and heated air but I know I need to be sensible and this is a real boost for me financially after years of living paycheck to paycheck how much should you have in an emergency fund I raided the kids savings years ago partly because my mum announced she's leaving her 800 pound 800 000 pounds house to them but now I feel

guilty so I'm wondering if I should put 4k in a stocks and shares ISA for them out of my emergency fund should I put all of my excess into a stocks and shares ISA or should I increase my pension contribution? Wow. Financial glow up. I know. It's the story of how you can turn things around

since we should have to get an asshole's out your life. Yes. Eight year money journey she's been on. Isn't it? She feels guilty about raiding

the kids' savings. I was literally shaking my head. I could see Holly when you said raiding she's like, it's not raiding. kids' savings. I was literally shaking my head. I could see Holly, like, when you said raiding, she's like, it's not raiding. I've got a question. Why do grandparents skip a generation when gifting things? Because this isn't the first time. It's not the first time we've heard that.

We've had that dilemma before. That's not the dilemma, by the way, is it? No. The fact that her parents... Interesting choice of thought. Why did they skip? I think there's loads of weird and wonderful things. I think there's like, oh, you're sorted, but I can give to them.

I think that can change as well. I find it really interesting. That's a big old lump sum of money to give to, unless her mum has got money elsewhere and she plans to give some to her daughter but if she knew her daughter at all she's just been through horrendous divorce had to recover financially had to raid her kids savings knowing full well that they're going to get 800 grand and she's the one that's struggling and has to look after these children and they kind

of need that money now not when that pair when that parent said anyway that's don't bring that up with your mum, but I find that one a little bit strange when people do that as a whole. This is not relation to this dilemma, but do not feel guilty about not putting money in your kids' savings. As you rightly said.

And or having to use them. Yeah, use them to, they might not have had a roof over their head. Yeah, you've got to look at yourself first. I mean, obviously it was, if at the time it had been, well, it wasn't, but where money's in junior ices it's not yours it's theirs and so like you've obviously some people put money aside for kids but it's in your name and not often that's if you need that to be accessible it's the right thing to do because

you you need to be able to look after them and part of that looking after them might be using money absolutely so many mums especially but parents prioritize putting money into the children's savings when they've not got their own house in order because they, obviously the reasons. The guilt. Yeah. But the minute that child is born, you just feel guilty about everything. Sorry, was that, were you uncomfortable during

that delivery baby? Like, no. Constantly, isn't it? Yeah, straight away. The minute that baby's born, the guilt sets in. I've never felt guilt like it as a parent so I empathise with people that do it but someone else messaged the other day

because I think they'd heard a pod where we talked about like you put your own oxygen mask on first like you do not worry about putting into a child's investment account

when you can't pay for food bills or you're leaning on credit or debt is crippling as a family you might not be able to have the heating on like over Christmas

no no do not worry about your child's investment funds they'll be fine if you're fine on credit or debt is crippling as a family and you might not be able to have the heating on like over Christmas no no do not worry about your child's investment funds no definitely not if you're fine they'll be fine and you're clearly not fine or you weren't fine and that's why the the playbook and the money planning it like works because it kind of forces you into a system that takes a little bit of emotion out of choices it's kind of oh I'm following this like methodology and um so she's, and I think what's amazing now, she's asked, she's got this excess. So for the people that don't know,

she's putting money into sinking funds, which is great. And then she's got excess cash left over to put towards good things. And that's the question here. She doesn't give much information

on her existing pension, but she talks about, should I be putting into a pension? Should it go, should it be in kind of like continuing an ISA? Should it be an ISA for the kids and they're all good questions and I think that if she's the first thing is she should

really look at the right level of emergency fund for her so um I think she's had 20 grand she's got at the moment yes so from having something like that that might be an awful lot of money to her or because of her expenses, it might not be. She's been through a really bad breakup. She sounds completely independent and in control. She's got obviously a boyfriend at the moment that's paying like kind of lodging money and stuff. And so she's the one in control. And so she needs to continue to be in control.

So that number needs to be the number that you can sleep at night really well. And so if that money should be 30 or it should be 15 she'll know but that's how you do that exercise look at your expenses look at your expenses and look at how many months could i survive without my job or without um if there was a health issue or something and all bills could be paid and i could like get to the next stage um also like you know thinking about things like income protection and stuff for that time because that can also help reduce that emergency fund number because you've got this like backup so once she's got that figure um and i i don't see that figure going down even though it's quite a high you know she says oh should i put a bit of money into my kids parking that for a minute

i think she sounds like she'd benefit from having a good one like a chunky one not one that's on the cusp so then if we park that and say no if anything you might add to your emergency fund but let's say she's happy with it as it is and she doesn't take any out of it but she doesn't add any in she's got her excess and this is where you really have to look at your longer term financial goals and so if she is behind on pension for her age and there's lots of calculations you can do on government websites and stuff to see what you should have, her ex-wife should be going to pension massively.

She sounds like she owns her own home. If she's got a mortgage on it still, she'll be paying it. But you divert it because at the moment, you want to be in control of your retirement. You don't be relying on a man. You don't be relying on anything else. That's what you want to be in control of. Your kids want you to be good in retirement.

They don't want to have to be giving you some cash here and there. People's so short-sighted, aren't they? They're like, oh, I'll put loads of money in my kids' cash eyes. They've to be good in retirement they don't want to have to be giving you like people so short-sighted aren't they they're like oh i'll put loads of money in my kids cash eyes they've got no money in retirement so they have to rely on the kids yeah and the kids like oh yeah yeah we you know none of it's so good to know when your parents are financially well because it's just we don't want to we'll want to look after them but the burden of it like it wants to be it needs to be a. It needs to be like a nice look after, not a, oh,

I'm going to have to always make sure I've got enough money to, because my mom might not put the heating on and stuff. And so that, that depends. Like if she's got, build a plan for retirement. And so it might be that that whole excess is her extra, extra retirement. I've got loads of women in our community that do that.

And they love seeing it go up. They love the top up from the government. They love, love loads of things. And if she does want to start putting some money aside for the kids, and they love seeing it go up. They love the top up from the government. They love loads of things. If she does want to start putting some money aside for the kids, the way to do it is through the excess. So if she's saying to me, I want pension, but I think 400's okay and let's say she's got two kids, then put 50 a month into a junior ISA.

A junior ISA is locked away into a stocks and shares ISA for them. If people gift, you can put money into it. So you can build the pot in different ways. Just not from the emergency fund. But she's not one that's going to impact any sort of financial wellness on her part. And their part as well, like if there is an emergency. Yeah.

She needs to be okay. They would rather. And it sounds like she's gone without for like eight years. And it sounds like she's living, she said, I'm living my best life, which sounds to me like the reins have come off a little bit where she can spend and invest in herself yeah and her wellness and I would hate for that then to stop already because she's already been thinking about the kids again but you've already let slip that they've got an 800k inheritance coming to them

and yeah that might change yeah so you need to make sure that there are things in place but like Laura said look after yourself first because once you're well you just have so much more head space and money to go at looking after other people and the other thing is I'm going to be quite brutal here you're not going to change

their lives with a junior ISA no you're going to give them a leg up you're not going to change like how they feel about money you're not going to change like it helps

like we've loved sharing with our kids but also they're watching us and they're learning. And so if there wasn't a check at the end of other junior ises that we're saving. Teaching them how to budget and stay out of debt is a much bigger gift than a cash lump sum in a junior ise. And you being okay.

Yeah. So the burden of a parent that isn't good financially is higher than, oh, I've got some money saved up. Because again, again you know I don't know how old your kids are but until they're 18 50 a month isn't a lot either no offense like and I'm doing 50 a month like some of mine it's not it's not going to change their lives yeah so I think I'm inclined to go with you all in on you and it may sound like it's pension if the budget's in a good place and you're enjoying yourself and you feel like you're having a good life

whack money in there and watch it track your net worth in the app every month because you'll buzz when you see it go up the fact that she's even writing this dilemma

and just makes me think she's absolutely got her shit together she must have felt for a very long time that she hadn't yeah because it's something

that sounds like they're out of her control but the fact that you're even writing this in I just love it like women talking about investments and pensions and yeah like there are women out there doing that and she sounds like she's been through the mill and look where she is now it's very very um exciting and inspiring for other community members to look up to so okay I've got a community win

since joining financial six months ago I've managed to increase my net worth by 121.5 i'm absolutely staggered and so so grateful yay we just talked about net worth graph if anyone's not done it go do it it is um for everyone it's accessible um it's not something that is just for people with lots of money you'll see a pretty graph go up in the right direction and so sometimes when you feel financial poor which you talk about when you feel like you've not got a lot of money in your account shit's going up like your net worth is going up um so have a little look and any questions drop in the community people love sharing their graphs and stuff don't they yeah if you'd like to tell us your win head to the community in the app or email

it to the vault at financial.com time for our next. Just a quick one, Laura here. If you're wanting to take back control of your money, ditch debt, make better decisions and build wealth for the future, the Financial app is for you. With Financial, you can track your spending on the go, hit your money goals faster and create a realistic budget that you can actually stick to. Not to mention, you'll be part of an exclusive money community who share tips, offer support, and celebrate your successes along the way. Click the link in the description to download Fan and Shell and start your free trial now. This is your sign to take control of your money today. Okay, I'm done. Let's go back to the vault.

We're in 60k debt, but my boyfriend won't accept the money to clear it. My boyfriend's dad recently sold his house and has moved into a home due to Alzheimer's. His care costs roughly 8k monthly. His dad is happy to split the money from his house amongst his kids but due to his reduced mental capacity the kids don't want to accept it. Part of the reason is to keep enough money in his pot for his care. My boyfriend and his siblings have access to the money from the house sale but have not invested any of it. It's over a million pounds. Due to both of us being out of work for some time during Covid we came close to maxing out our credit cards and are jointly in

debt totalling over 60k. This includes car finance and private student loans. Most of the debt is 0% or low interest, thankfully, but it still costs us around £1,000 each month with minimum payments. We also have a mortgage which costs us £2,000 a month. My questions are, how do I convince my boyfriend and his siblings to invest their dad's money so that it can earn more? Would it make sense to borrow slash accept some of the money to repay our own debt? And three, am I a terrible person for wanting to do this when neither of his siblings want to touch the money?

Oh, I've not had one like this before. This is a difficult one. Terrible person. No, you're not a terrible person. So get that out of your head. What a sad situation. I think really important to understand the dynamics of what's happening here um there is there are assets that are being used

to fund care and there are a lot of rules around what you can and can't do with money you know if it can look like assets are being spent so that you reduce care fees and stuff the reason i'm saying that is this sounds like a large pot of money and so the hope is that there's plenty money even at eight grand a month to be able to sustain his dad for as long as his dad needs care and this we don't know like this could be a short-term like you know thing prognosis it could be a super super long term it sounds like there's enough but in some families if you've got this going on and there's there might be like you know a 50k pot and care home fees are eight grand a month you can see the panic would start to rise between all the siblings and you but you still have to be super careful

about accessing that money because if he's not got the capacity to gift and do certain things from that pot of money local councils are all over this. Because if they have to fund care, what happens is if you can't afford the private care home fees, you might get moved to a more cost-effective solution. But I've literally spoken about this this week with a couple of people and it's very real. So I think that's the first thing, like, if you're in the situation, don't do anything without seeking proper legal advice.

And I think the other side to it is quite fair when she's talking about like they should be investing it and doing something with it I think sometimes having an objective person say that is nice because if you're the family you're grieving for your dad who's got Alzheimer's you're going through this like really weird scenario um that you're just thinking practically yeah like I think it helps to have someone go well whilst you're doing that like that's a good idea. But again, that's perfect for a financial planner. That size of money for it to make money,

it needs to have the right fee basis. It needs to be invested in the right things. And again, there could be rules around it because, you know, who has power of attorney, who has, you know, responsibility for it and who can. So I think great on you for suggesting that but then get it professional so we come to the juicy bit which is i'm saying this with kindness it's none of

your business and it's not your money and it's not even really your boyfriend's money and so this is a boundary thing where i would love, whilst you have gone just like a female, probably to the practical, like, well, there's money there we could borrow it. There's two things. One, there's a boundary issue where you are getting involved and you'll be known as that girl. The one like, you know, like the one that's after the money.

But the other side to this is, and we've talked about this before, you need to learn to pay off debt yeah because you that will be the biggest gift you can do for yourself pretend the money's not there like i've always said this about inheritance is like people delay decisions on money because because of an inheritance someone and then that person lives 20 more years or gives it to the cats yeah you know lucy would do that yeah but it's that like it's you take control of your own life because you know what if inheritance or money comes later

and she's not talking about borrowing from the estate again nothing wrong with that unless nothing wrong with that in principle there's lots of technicalities but you need to do it on your own you've got into this mess you've got into it just like we all have like you are absolutely human and we're on your team but you will be the skills you'll develop in paying this off yourself will then help you thrive if and when you come into money which could be a different way it might not be through like eventual inheritance but you'll know what to do with it at the moment if someone gave you 100 grand i don't think you'd know what to do you're just patching up the problems previous mistakes whereas actually imagine the money landing in your lap and having a job for it

that is going to mean that you can buy a house or I don't know have a stable future like whereas actually just going to patch it patch up the old stuff like you need to we taught that yeah flex that money muscle Laura's just jealous that she's not in 60 grand's worth of debt because she'd be like right I'd be way better with my money. Yeah, that problem solving methodology, like going back into the playbook and going to survive, is that dopamine hit? It's nice for your partner and you as well, actually, that you can work it together.

Marriages would flourish. I know they do, going through the survive stage together, whereas it's easy to rack up debt. It is. It's not so easy to pay it off. And I think, yeah, forgetting that that money's here, it's a bonus if it ever arrives. Relationships,

and I'm talking about between siblings, can absolutely be broken over stuff like this. And it's just not worth meddling in. Take a step back. Yes, it's like a shiny dangly carrot that sat there, but you'll feel much better by putting the work in and paying the debt off. It sounds like you've started that journey.

Have they started to pay the debts off or she said it might be minimum minimum payments but like i said this is that's not putting a dent in it for them like the the minute they into involve family it just changes the ball game you know it really does and i think it gets you get distracted by shiny you know like oh that's a solution it's not any solution it's probably the worst solution because you're not going to learn as much and so many different dynamics change and when they've not done anything you know like i said the grieving and one of the biggest things that we say to people like when they've got an inheritance lump sum is don't do anything like park it somewhere safe earn some money and have a think and this might be what they're doing you know just because it's

not earning x percent yeah they're going through something quite traumatic and you know you're being very practical about it yeah and loving like I said you're the girlfriend

yeah be don't be that girl be the great girl yeah be the helpful one and then lead by example

you know with your boyfriend and work together and you'll get that oh good luck what a crazy scenario that is I don't envy you, obviously, having to navigate it with him.

Yeah. That's all for this episode. The Vault is now closed. Just a quick disclaimer, The Vault is just a chat around life and money topics and we are not giving financial advice.