The Vault with Financielle - The Credit Card Ick | The Vault Episode 14

Episode Date: May 29, 2024

Send us a textWelcome to The Vault with Financielle. Hosts Lucy, Laura and Holly delve into the world of money dilemmas from leechy friends, getting the money ick, the benefits of budgeting and much much more! Nothing is off limits but everything is safe in the Vault. In this episode of The Vault, we're chatting about the credit card game 💳, handling money in a blended family 👩‍👩‍👧‍👧👪, and how Financielle’s Playbook can help you shift your mindset - giving you the green light to enjoy your money! 🥳-Visit https://www.financielle.co.uk to join our community!Chapters:00:00:00 - Introduction00:03:57 - The Playbook and Permission to Spend00:08:06 - Borrowing Money from Friends and Family00:11:38 - Trapped in the Credit Card Game00:19:03 - Reflecting on Past Habits00:22:47 - Financial Strain in a Blended family00:26:50 - Managing Finances as a Couple00:30:18 - Prioritizing Your FinancesThe Vault is an entertaining yet thought provoking podcast that answers our community’s dilemmas and confessions surrounding women and money.Visit https://www.financielle.com to download our app.Watch the podcast on YouTube.Follow Financielle for more:▶︎ TikTok▶︎ InstagramAbout Financielle:Financielle is a female focussed finance app helping women to take back control of their money, ditch debt, increase savings and invest in their future.Recorded and Produced by Liverpool Podcast Studios▶︎ Web ▶︎ Instagram▶︎ LinkedIn

Yes, you get the credit. Yeah, we've all got the credit card. Yeah. Come and get the ink with us. Welcome to The Vault with Financial. This is a safe space where we talk all things life and money and no topics are off limits. Happy episode 14. Hey, good morning. I saw Facebook memories, so it's really helpful to remind you about when you did stuff. Did you know the playbook is four? So, Financial and the playbook, obviously, Financial is a bit older with the Instagram, but I got a pop-up on memories to show the very first PDF playbook that some of you listening absolutely have and have been nailing it for four years. That's how long it's been.

It was in the throes of lockdown, wasn't it? Yes, actually, yeah yeah we're 2024 so so it came out and I just remember it landing with people and people responding and going oh my god I've you finally taught me about this or I never knew that or I'm really excited to get started and even now when people you know tap into the playbook they just connect with it so much I wanted to ask you both what's like been the biggest thing for you post playbooks or from doing the financial playbook what's been the thing that you like if you can pick one for me it's the no stress like and as we said a few episodes ago like this I read the playbook in uni like when we when I first started

with financial was straight out of uni and it just caught me at the perfect time like last student loan like last installment whatever biggest one I was like I'm gonna blow it and I'm like I'm not gonna blow it did you budget it so did you yeah I invested loads of it as well like it was good caught me at the right time always been in profits since good timing that's amazing do you know it's a big thing actually like for people listening having children or people in their lives that are in uni or just approaching uni getting in early just before someone gets that first paycheck that first job like understanding how to manage that money is is massive but I think the beauty of it as well is that is for everyone like I sat down and went through my mum with it went through it with my mum

and she's like 50 sorry mum she's 20 yeah that's when we speak to people and they've been through the playbook and they're in that self-reflective stage where they're like, oh my God, so much has changed. I see life so differently now and I approach it so differently. They kind of then get angry with us and they go, can you not go into universities?

Can you not go into schools? Oh my God, every day. They kind of get angry at the system because then they're like, what have I been learning and why have I got such bad habits? And they kind of have some self-reflection and like self-forgiveness

and they realize that it isn't them, it's society. Like we're all brought up to lean on credit, take out loans, live beyond our means, all those crazy things. And people just say, why couldn't you have been around sooner? My biggest regret is at Financial, I didn't do this 20 years ago.

So I think that's a great lesson. For me, I think like sinking funds genuinely saves lives the concept of putting money away knowing that you're going to dip into it for a particular expense like we say every time Christmas comes around the same time every year yeah every year I was paying off months later I was looking at um the customer interview we'd done with someone quite a long time ago and she said that she was paying off her buy now pay later. She bought loads of toys for her kids at Christmas. She was paying them off a year later and she realised when she was still paying them off eight months plus later, the toys that she'd bought with them had already broken. Like that mental drain of paying for things after the fact.

Like I used to put holidays on credit cards wouldn't dream of it now how to make holiday blues the worst even worse like now i've got to actually pay for this holiday and i'm home yeah the time's gone yeah i one of lydia or lucy you call it a money hangover i think we both called it that i thought it was a really good way of thinking about it that weeks later. Yeah, the dread that it fills you. Lydia, you're quite new to the playbook in terms of this year rather than three or four years.

What's been the biggest thing that you've taken from the financial way? Same as Holly, like the sinking funds. Because I used to be, I've always been really tight and like tried to put as much as possible in savings and stuff. But like putting, you're still putting it away and like it feels safe, but like it's permission to spend it as well. So like yesterday my friend came from the US and we went for food and I just took out my little eating out fund instead of like maybe putting on credit and then having to withdraw it

from the savings and wait two days for my bank account to have any money in. We all feel guilty for going into your savings because everyone's eating over the decision

to spend and going. When people do that and live in that way, when they're building these big nest eggs and you think you're a failure for pulling money out of them, but actually that nest egg

could just be split up into loads of different places that you'd have permission to spend. The playbook isn't just for people that are overspenders, impulsive spenders, just go around willy-nilly keeping up with the Joneses. It's actually for people that are guilt-ridden by spending. Yeah, it makes you feel broke as well because you're like, oh, I've got 72p in my bank.

But then it's like, like oh no it's in a it's in a pot that I can just withdraw right now so it's fine but it's it's made a huge difference to like my mindset and stress yeah it's for everyone they're like the opposite of buying our pay later sinking funds yes I love it it's like thank you old me yeah yeah oh my god pat yourself on the back instead of like just pushing the burden onto your future self like it's just so much better in every single way yeah i love it amazing playbook appreciation society okay i've got a controversial opinion it's okay to ask friends for money that is controversial

silence where's the top weed I personally wouldn't but that's just me I don't want to be judging no let's workshop it

when is it okay when is it okay to ask friends for money I think if someone's in dire straits whereby your safety is at risk or the safety of

your family if your house is going to get taken away and you've got children you're in a vulnerable situation um I think there is a time and a place absolutely to do that if it's that you're living beyond your means and you're just not making it work every single month then it's not appropriate or if like you're rubbish at cash and people have cash and you're like can I borrow money and I'll give it you back later money please yeah just I forgot my purse sorry I'll pay you back but I feel like yeah the more practical side of it as long as you're a very quick follow-up payer um tell me the controversial opinion again it's okay to ask friends for money see you've just it's not about borrowing is it it's asking asking friends for money could i have 50 pounds we've seen no we've seen examples of people

where if there's a friend that's good with money or appears to earn quite well they have been taken advantage of by others who kind of sense that they can afford it. Do you know, like it could be, you know, it might not be asking for money or they're asking to lend money. I've heard that from some of our community members. I've heard that, you know, I'm looking after my money. They know I've got savings.

We talk openly about money and I'm the one that they ask and actually on reflection it's because of poor management on their part but even if it is because of poor management they shouldn't be asking a friend yeah so I think you're right I don't think it's because the it's the the maths isn't working out like they are not managing managing their budgeting properly and leaning on people like you say that have put the work in um I'm sure someone in the community said one of the friends had asked them for money quite outright and they were like, I actually don't know what to do.

It puts people in a really awkward situation whereby you feel like your friendship, it could come in between your friendship. We don't want that. I just got this big thing about like family and friends and we should never be borrowing money, not unless it's for a necessity. And this is the point.

So when you come into the financial community and you're doing the playbook, you need to build an emergency fund. And whilst you are in that space and you're trying to build an emergency fund if an emergency comes in like that's kind of where people end up relying on credit a bit more it's really difficult to borrow from friends and family friends and family bail us out of lots of situations so whilst it's helpful to have them there i think as individuals as a mindset we need to kind of pretend that's not there pretend it's not an option i think there's a difference between an actual need and an easy option so um thinking that it's easy to borrow it's just it's you know there's no credit terms

to it there's no electronics it's just kind of just borrow this i can have this if it's a constant like cash flow people use friends and... Like cash flow. People use friends and family as cash flow. They're like, oh, can you sub me? That's always like a thing, isn't it? And you can always rely on them. Yeah, I feel like it's very old school. I felt back in the day when we used to speak to Nan and stuff,

I think it used to be a thing where you would just borrow. Well, they had no money. That's what I mean. So it was literally hand to mouth and you would just all help each other out. I think the big thing is we all need to get to a position if we can financially where self-sufficient it's just not an option yeah like credit not an option don't use it just get get into that mindset

um i feel like dynamics when you borrow money across family is a really interesting one we've heard it on the pod before where a friend's lent money and then anything they do then is bougie anything and the person's judging yeah you just do more sensitive because something's changed

in the relationship it's like you know they've just been to Marks and Spencer's yeah I think there is that and so the minute you

so like if you owe someone money for the takeaway don't forget you owe because if you are spending in the meantime you couldn't necessarily forget but it but like they'll be watching you it changes the dynamic of the relationship bubbling tension lots of i'm not here for it we have lots of people who speak to us who's especially parents have helped them in a really difficult situation and i i would

want to do that as a parent to the point where actually like i would like to get to a financial situation where I give like it's not all in you and pay me back it depends on the situation but we've had people that have left abusive relationships and really bad living situations awful jobs and family have come to the rescue not usually friends I feel like sometimes friends of the family we don't have and so definitely understanding that for people but I think that's the that's the emergency situations otherwise it's not okay to ask friends for money not okay I think friends can support you in other ways not just yeah not financially yeah yeah and we've had that before in dilemmas haven't we where it's like there's a situation where there's other things you can do to help if someone's struggling financially let them use their money for the

things that like the bills can you cook for them them? Can you support them? Can you like take them in for a couple of weeks and let them have a little bit of TLC at your house, whatever. But time for dilemma number one. I played the credit card game a little too much. I've used credit cards for years. First to build up credit score. I'd build up the balance, pay off and let's just say it's been a slippery slope. As bigger purchases came up I relied on the card more and more. As soon as the 0% rate was approaching its end I opened another card to do a balance transfer. Fine, no problem. I stayed in this cycle moving more and more debt each time. I would move debt every year to a 0% credit card. I've now racked up £15,000

across two cards. I've done my usual check for a 0% balance transfer only to find I've been rejected on both. Now both of these cards will start to incur an interest of 29%. I'm terrified now as my debt will start to increase dramatically all by itself. on earth do i do now this is like imagine the cartoon where there's a real track right and is it like tom and jerry and they're on the train and he's trying to like put the track down put the track down put the track down that is what the the naught percent game and the switching is until there's no track left in the box and that's you don't know when that will happen but if you carry on playing that game that's what's going to happen and honestly i'm going to say it death to the not percent credit card death to the

not percent credit card it's like falsely luring people into a trap isn't it yeah it's such a trap and it's this false sense of free money it's completely ruined so many people's credit and so many people's management of finances because it's just this magic like credit line, like long, long pot of money that's not yours. And at some point you're going to have to pay that back. And we just never think that. We think in the moment, we think it's good maths. We're told switch, switch, switch. It's great. And often I get people that ask me, oh, should I switch? There's a higher interest. Should I switch? And I'm constantly going, maybe. But what are you going to do about the debt?

You're probably going to spend more on that. Yes. So they're doing it because they don't want to pay interest, but they're going to go and spend more and they're not percent. So it's like, you're going to pay it back anyway in another way. It's like robbing, do you know what I mean? Yeah. So when you, you will rack it up again. So people will. If you move it or if you get a better deal or you're just going to... Just call it a day.

You're moving the problem. What are you waiting for? Yeah. They're putting it off. They know they're never going to really. If you continue to swap, swap, swap, it's probably a good indication that you're not ready or you don't quite understand how you can call it quits.

What do you think about the mindset of like, oh, by the time I have to pay this off I'll be a bet in a better financial situation like I'll earn I'll be earning more at my job like what's your opinions on that mindset well I don't think many people think like that though I think that it's just we don't think of the future we just think of I'll get an opposite it's fine and then that's it and then they moved on. I think for some people, you know, having access to affordable credit is really, really helpful if you're not in a position where you've built up an emergency fund.

Like it's there for you. Obviously, we want to teach you to then build up the emergency fund and cut the cards up and never get into it. But I think too, if people do think like that, Lucy, there's always something. The minute you earn more, the prices go up, the rent's going up, the holidays get better. Lifestyle creep comes in, doesn't it?

The more you spend, we see it all the time. Anyone that comes into the community and they're like, I got a pay rise and I messed up. I went on the bougie holidays, I got the expensive car on car finance. We decided to move house. Every time someone gets a pay rise, they want to move house. They want to go into bigger house i'm like you go into the mortgage you're

like what can i borrow yeah you look at everyone always looks at the top limit of what they can be always oh above that in fact because what you do on right move is you look higher don't you and then you go i could knock them down yeah i'm not even moving but i'm in a great i need a swimming pool but the bills are bigger. The mortgage is bigger. Everything's bigger. And even then, because you've just, you don't, even when you get a pay rise, you don't go, I'm going to up my debt contributions.

Not if you're not on a debt-free journey. You just don't do that. You will, you'll wait, you'll pay the minimum until the card company tells you to do something different. So it's, I feel for this viewer, I said, you might be viewing on YouTube. I feel for this listener because you are trapped by a game. That is not your fault. The industry, the credit card industry, even like personal finance industry, everyone loves to talk about the 0%, but this is the problem. The fun runs out. And then suddenly

we're, you know, 29% interest is pretty much average for a credit card. That's not outrageous. I mean, it's obviously spread across over the year. And sometimes, you know, I would say to them, have a little look at the numbers. So the interest racks up, but it's spread across the year. So find out what that is per month in interest.

And it probably, on a 15 grand, it's not a small amount of money, but it's but it's not awful it's not a crazy crazy percent but hopefully this gave you the wake-up call which is oh i don't like that now i want to i want to get rid of it so step by step what does she need to do she has to firstly before doing anything decide she's not going to play with credit anymore because if she is there's just no point starting because this will all not work if she does think i've had it now i've been burned i've been scared i'm not going to find myself in this position again she needs to cut cards up immediately like literally cut them up she needed something like those two cards yeah 15 grand across two cards yeah um cut up. And then either,

especially now she's kicking into interest, choose the method that you're going to use, debt avalanche or debt snowball, before that build up an emergency fund. So she doesn't say whether she's got an emergency fund. We like one month's expenses because it can help cover the thing that you might've been using the card for.

Yeah, people use it as a safety blanket because they're like, oh, in case something goes wrong, i'll just keep one credit card open just in case and nine times out of ten when we speak to people they're like yeah it wasn't but i feel like committing committing firstly to not going into any more debt and cutting the cord and cutting those cards up and saying never again secondly building that one month's expenses because that's going to help you one learn how to save up some money and because you're going to need some money to overpay this 15 grand but also to make sure you can fall back on it and then three yeah pick which one you're going to tackle

first if one of them remains on a lower percent leave that and maybe go for the other one if there are similar values if one of them smaller sometimes it's easier to just get rid of the small one and do your budget get on a proper budget do not go light like go all in hard if you want to get rid of this debt um and live on less than what comes in and the difference overpay that debt and and when you've cleared it you'll have got to this point where you'll be really proud of yourself because you'll have learned how to save up money you'll have got rid of this debt that's just been like gnawing at you and you'll just you'll have got to this point where you'll be really proud of yourself because you'll have learned how to save up money you'll have got rid of this debt that's just been like gnawing at you and you'll just you'll just walk taller you'll feel better i used to have credit cards before i started the financial playbook and because i've been doing it for so long now and i'm just

got into that habit and routine never has it ever crossed my mind to open a credit card no i don't when i see them but they're getting shoved in my face. I get them over email. Martin Lewis is great at pushing credit cards onto people, not absent ones. Get a bonus, there's kickback for that. Credit scores are always telling you to open up a credit card. It'll boost your credit score.

I never waver. I think it's because I've seen what life is like now. And you just want to say to someone, if you can follow this methodology, you will never feel tempted to rely on credit again. Buy an Appalachia and what? Like I would never. That's so true actually. I'm never tempted.

It's such a necessity for so many people. But once you've seen the other side, for some people it's like sobriety and realizing that I just never ever think about alcohol being a part of my life the same with like even like an intolerance like gluten free like it's just your life now Holly

on four it's still but you don't sit there well you do sit there and just but you do just crack on like you know it's

it's probably a bad example because it's all you I thought you were talking about it's like wishing you could you know eat gluten never eat cake

you're not bothered are you I'm like rocking your corner yeah I'm fine it's like wishing you could you know eat gluten never eat cake you're not bothered are you I'm like rocking your corner yeah I'm fine it's like if you were vegetarian and like a strong vegetarian you're not going to look at meat and be like

I don't eat any red meat and I get the ick now yes you get the credit ick credit card ick yeah we've all got the credit card ick come and get the ick with us

Holly I've never thought about that that actually when you have got used to this way of life it's really weird and it's not because you earn more than other people

it's not because you get gifted money from secret places no I'm not tell us it's true it would be signs she's not here next week

it's just because you've seen the other side yeah and you don't feel judgmental for people that do use it because you reflect back on what it was like it's just so readily available it's pushed because you've seen the other side and you don't feel judgmental for people that do use it because you reflect back on what it was like it's just so readily available

it's pushed on you from university age it's how you pay for holidays it's how you bond with your friends by going on things like holidays

and trips and whatnot and buying the same things that they do but now it just never enters my mind and I just you want to gift

that feeling to someone we're gifting it to you like can you feel the energy? Yeah. Get rid of the credit card debt. You'll do amazing. And don't worry about it. You're fine.

Yeah. Amazing. Okay. Community winter. Financial has been instrumental in helping me be more intentional with my money and even going further by planning for my future. I'm a bit late to the party. 45.

That's not late. That's not late. That's not late. Early. Sorry. But I'm hopeful I still have time to plan and invest for a good retirement, as well as things like college, cars for my son. I've always kept a spreadsheet of bills, therefore knew what I had left over, but I never really planned or even knew what I spent the excess on.

Thank you, financial. Amazing. I know who this is as well she's a she's a big um really engaged community member and she helps all the other people and keeps them secret I know she keeps them on the um straight and narrow always giving advice to people but um she mentions about I hope it's not too late it's not too late 45 you are sounds like you're well in control of what's going on you've got excess which is always a bonus and not everyone does it takes time to get there and you've got it put it to good use you know what you need to do with it amazing never too late

it's definitely not too late and just like amazing what you're doing for your son as well yeah he's watching everything and so like they do watch like even if you don't tell and preach which a lot of us do once you start getting on the money journey. So we're going to talk about this. But they ask questions and they watch. And I think you said at the beginning, Lucy, but they'll feel the no stress. Yeah.

They'll feel that. They will in the future, you know, they'll have grown up in a calm household when it comes to money. And that is a gift that we've not talked about a lot, I don't think. Yeah, because when we speak to other people, what they would deem bad money habits are generally picked up around. It's a gift that we've not talked about a lot, I don't think. Yeah, because when we speak to other people, what they would deem bad money habits are generally picked up around the household. They copy what their parents do. They mirror their type of financial behaviours.

Sort of consciously as well. It's not like a choice. Yeah. Just like if someone's particularly strict with money and doesn't like spending it, they'll tend to follow those patterns or they rebel against it. And they're like, I never had money follow those patterns or they rebel against it.

And they're like, I never had money. My parents never let me spend it. And when I ever get money in my hands, I'm like, it's going to go, so I'm going to spend it. So yeah, the fact that her son's, she's already planning for her son's future. Yeah. Amazing.

If you'd like to send us your win, please head to the community in the app or email it to thevault at financial.com. Ready for dilemma number two. Yes. Is my partner going into debt for his son? Hi girls. I'm desperately in need of some help. So my partner has a 14 year old son

from a previous relationship. He is so lovely and I feel so lucky to have him as part of the family. He spends one night a week and every other weekend with us and the rest with his mum. However, I'm starting to feel a little resentment towards this situation. My partner pays child maintenance for him, pays for all his hobbies, spending money, trips, clothes, school uniform,

tech, basically anything he wants, needs or asks for. Not to mention it's all expensive and top of the range stuff. Things we could never afford to buy for ourselves. I wouldn't have an issue with this if my partner could afford it but he is thousands and thousands of pounds in debt. We have a modest income, he pays half the bills but doesn't seem to contribute much to days out and rarely spends money on our relationship, himself, myself or my child. I've tried having the conversation that maybe his stepson's mum can contribute more. She is quite well off but seems happy to let my partner pay for literally everything. Or he could just buy less expensive items.

But this gets brushed off and ignored whenever I bring it up. Am I being unreasonable? Is there anything I can do or should I just accept it? Dynamics! There's so much going on here. How long have we got? Well, we need a part two, don't we? Dynamics are massive here because this is step relationships. And I think what I've observed from people that we've worked with and helping them manage money in this situation is a couple of things.

One, boundaries. So we really shouldn't comment on the other parent. We don't know. We don't know the earning situation when she says she seems to not want to pay. You can never tell. Or she seems well off. She might not be. Yeah.

But even if she is, it's kind of the best. And it's hard to do because don't get me wrong, you will always sit there and go, well, hang on a minute. And it's all right for them. But for your own mental well-being, we've found it works really well when people literally just blinkers on and kind of create that boundary. It doesn't really matter if they are a multimillionaire footballer or whether they are a big entrepreneur

or whether they're literally on universal credit. It's not your business what money they have. And if you tell yourself that you'll feel better because i think we can all like we can all we can we can you can like make a ball game in the shower yeah she's got stories and it's a fun game like i'm so creative by the way so what tells about this woman like what's she so she's called Jennifer she drives a Range Rover Evoque she owns

her own beauty empire she's full of Botox but doesn't feed her child I think that's the kind of caricature that you can make yeah you gotta let it go listen they may

be wealthy and not spend any money on their child it's just not that might be why they're wealthy money hack it's not your your that might be why they're wealthy money hack it's not your space so I think the first thing

is to forgive yourself control the ball as well forgive yourself that thinking through so when it comes to the other thing that she seems I guess stressed about is before I move on to the debt

a little bit bitter that money's not going on her and them. She doesn't say, I want presents. She says like days out and her daughter. And again, dynamics are really difficult when you've got separate children. So I think also getting to the point where there's a budget, you can proactively plan to have family money for days out and for if you want token gifts or whatever for your daughter and so there's an element of budgeting here which if it's not in the budget it won't happen so if there's not a part four days out budgets let's get one in there

because that's how you can practically address the not him versus us just the it's a separate issue i don't think we're spending enough money or quality time together can we put something towards it so then so we've part the first issue which is the other person and we've parked the little bit of bitterness about we're not spending enough over here okay put it in the budget so then we come down to maths right and this is where it's really difficult if you don't have combined finances to fully understand actually how much is being spent you obviously know that he's in debt you don't say we're in debt and you know if you're married I don't know where you're at with combined finances but it's kind of your debt as well if it's his it's probably a better a better thing to

do is to come in and say like I think we should control our money together I think we should set some goals I think we should do some really aspirational things um but I think we're we are probably spending even though it's him we are probably spending more than we earn and we're never going to get ahead like what are our retirement plans what are our house plans what are our travel plans we're never going to get ahead so shall we and you don't have to signal that the problem is spending money on his son you can just get okay let's see how much we've got coming into the household like we do a financial budget with a profit and loss account what's going on she's coming in what's going out you're going backwards because you're in debt yeah we don't want you to be in debt so let's work out and because the worst thing you can do

is going and be like you're spending too much on your son it will just you'll never get ahead you'll never get anywhere it's really not the right angle whereas going you're in debt we want to hit some money goals together as a family let's let's look what's coming in not like because sometimes you cannot push someone to do this type of stuff it's the same thing when you want to get someone on the health journey if you're like I'm going out for a run I'm feeling really good lost a bit of weight I'm eating really well and your partner's just not in that mindset at all and to try and pull someone into it can really just make them repel whereas if it's's like, oh, we really want to go on some nice holidays this year.

Should we try and budget and see how, if we can get ahead and then it will become uncovered because it'll be like, oh, let's go on last month's expenses and see and it will just become very apparent

and it might just be a light bulb moment for him. He might not realise. He might not even realise. I'd say nine times out of ten if you don't budget, you don't know where your money's going

or why you ended up in debt. And we don't know how old the boy is. 14. Didn't listen. So my 13-year-old literally wants for nothing. And so I really don't empathize enough with parents of teenagers that are having pressures about designer labels and requirements. Like literally, she's just so relaxed and imagine if you want the latest nightcare max and they're 150 quid a go or you want the latest tech or you want designer labels that even just buying a top even just buying a top is really expensive and so I think that um that again is

a different issue it's not him choosing to spend more on sun that versus others it's more that that's just kind of what it's like keeping up with the Joneses. And so therefore it's a really interesting conversation lots of us have to have with children. I spoke to a community member recently about this and was laughing with her about how to start saying, like she was, you're listening and you'll know who I'm talking about. I know who you're talking about.

She was like, sat down, we're going to cut some subscriptions. They're going, no, not the Disney Plus, not the Prime. Like, it's funny, you know, it's really hard for them because they're having to process

what do you mean? Like, why are we suddenly doing this? But sometimes you don't have to bring the sun on the journey, but we do have to tell our children, no, sometimes,

and it's really hard if they've been accustomed to a particular way of life. But sometimes to move forward, you have to go backwards a little bit. And going backwards means cutting and being more sensible. So coming at it from a family budget situ, looking back on expenses and kind of highlighting, you may find actually he's not overspent, but you've...

I was about to say, this may not be the case. Falsely thinking. Collectively, they might be really bad with money they could be really bad with money and actually it's not as significant

as spending on the sun as she thinks it's actually something else you don't you play you're going in blind and knowledge is power and getting that budget

in together and working out do you know what's really important as well his son might rebel a little bit against the cutting back, but you're no good for anybody

if you're in debt. If you're drowning in debt, you're not going to be a good support system for your family or happy and healthy yourself because we've got to look after our own. Put your own gas mask on first. That's a big thing

when we're coming with children and spending is you have to prioritise you and the family health. Now it's different if you're spending an awful lot on yourself and then like your children need new clothes. Like it's different if you're spending an awful lot on yourself and then like your children need new clothes.

Like it's a really, this is, and it usually falls on the women, by the way, this dynamic usually falls on the women. Because another thing that always happens in the community as well, someone's on a debt journey and they're paying into, they're frantically paying into child's investment funds. And we're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Your child's like three. Why are you obsessed with paying into a Gizer when you're trying to make minimum debt payments and you've not got an

emergency fund because if something goes wrong you can't withdraw from that gizer that's not going to pay for the rent that's not going to pay for the washing machine it's not going to pay for i don't know emergency travel yeah and people are obsessed because but you do the whole methodology the playbook do one thing at a time and do it well and start from the beginning do not worry about investing if you're drowning in debt like let's start at the beginning work it out like you'll put your own gas mask on you'll get there you'll get there quite quickly if you pay if you're paying debt off you're not that that monthly payment's going to be in your back pocket then you can decide to invest or build an emergency fund but let's just take one step at a time yeah i feel like

these blended families you know they're so common to us all nowadays that um it doesn't make it any easier but the the dynamics are very real and so you know having also a little bit of empathy with your partner about if he's not spending as much time with his son it could be like guilt money we've joked about in the past like past where very, very normal. But come at it together. Use this as a really good opportunity to look forward, not kind of what's gone. But you can drag a horse to water, you can't make it drink. So you have to facilitate.

And for men listening, women are really good at this. This will be happening to you and you won't realise. We are very good at facilitating a situation which ends up being looking like it's your idea but it was ours all along

oh no I've just revealed all of you girl boss guest like gatekeep that's my motto Jafar off Aladdin it's like the eyes the snake thing

we're going to pay off the debt where did you get that analogy from how where did Jafar come from from how where did you far come from the back of your brain

I don't know it's a good analogy good luck and we're not I came in hard a little bit at the beginning because I just want you to protect you

and you can control what you can control and don't let this be a relationship issue it doesn't need to be let's like budge it and boss it

any final words before we close the vault do you have any final words because you have they are my final words before we close the vault do you have any final words because you have they are my final words frequently especially on this situation that she's finding herself in I would definitely agree with the don't make it about the stepson that is not your relationship that's not your dynamic to manage I think keep it as a relationship thing. Don't involve your child either.

That's not his responsibility. Like obviously it's shared responsibility. Not his direct responsibility. Yeah. I think just keep it as a couple. Keep it as a family, as a whole for the budget. And yeah, don't involve yourself. Great final words.

Well done Lucy. That's all for this episode. The Vault is now closed. Please send your dilemmas to thevaultatfinancial.com. Just a disclaimer, The Vault is just a chat around life and money topics.

We are not giving financial advice.