The Vault with Financielle - The Truth About Mortgages, Financial Freedom and Sibling Rivalry | The Vault Episode 25

Episode Date: August 14, 2024

Send us a textIn Episode 25 of The Vault, we discuss the controversial opinion, ‘DON’T be a stay at home partner (if you don’t have children)’, before diving into our listener dilemmas:- ”I have no pension!"- ”My brother and sister in law one up everything we do”We celebrate a win from a listener who is now tackling their last debt and is gearing up to be mortgage and debt-free by 40! 🎉💪🏡 #FinancialFreedom #DebtFreeJourney #Goals This leads to an interesting conversation about mortgages and how much money is spent on interest alone! 😱💸If you’d like to share your money win, head to the community in the Financielle app or email [e-mail] your (totally anonymous) money dilemmas to [e-mail] and we may feature yours on a future episode 💌Chapters:00:00 Introduction and Welcome00:45 Moving to a New House01:31 Underconsumption and TikTok Trends04:52 Stay-at-Home Partner Debate10:46 Financial App Promotion14:05 Dilemma: No Pension at 2516:55 Setting Up Your Pension and SIP17:42 Balancing Emergency Funds and Investments18:40 The Importance of Compound Interest20:45 Navigating Mortgage Payments and Interest Rates27:23 Dealing with Financial Comparisons in Family36:11 Final Thoughts and EncouragementThe Vault is an entertaining yet thought provoking podcast that answers our community’s dilemmas and confessions surrounding women and money.Visit https://www.financielle.com to download our app.Watch the podcast on YouTube.Follow Financielle for more:▶︎ TikTok▶︎ InstagramAbout Financielle:Financielle is a female focussed finance app helping women to take back control of their money, ditch debt, increase savings and invest in their future.Recorded and Produced by Liverpool Podcast Studios▶︎ Web ▶︎ Instagram▶︎ LinkedIn

A few years ago, you might have asked, I mean the tabloids would ask children what you want to be when you grow up and it would be a footballer's wife. I would say that. I'd rather be a YouTuber. Lucy's still there. You want to be a YouTuber's wife. No, me, John. Yeah, YouTuber's wife.

It's much more convenient. Welcome to The Vault with Financial. This is a safe space where we talk all things life and money and no topics are off limits. Welcome to The Vault. I don't know how you remember that the same every time i say that in my head i'll be in the shower and i'm like do you think people because i think people might think that's recorded you do it every time every time i look down the camera it's so consistent pretty mumbling it in your sleep like yeah oh my gosh yeah do you sleep talk welcome to the vault so you've had a busy week this week packing up your shizzle what's happening share with world of financial so I am moving house or I'm moving from a flat to a house so that's quite grown up with me

I'm quite scared how I'm gonna keep a house under control even though it's literally just me and my boyfriend do you need an apron now I feel like I've got a selection of aprons already but not just from a flat to a house moving towns yeah moving cities yeah well that'll be exciting very excited so tell me what packing's like are you organized are you gonna be doing it as you're moving like so very organized like most stuff is packed however I feel like I just hate my past self because I don't know if you've seen all of this stuff about being under what is it under consumption yeah love it under consumption core I'm looking at it so jealously right now really because I own so much what and if the it's really annoying thing that's triggering your most like why have I got bits and bobs like it's made me

realize how often I go to tk max so under consumption tiktok I saw that it's going to be really a new what a new thing that's there was no spend I think it's similar and it is hard at the moment every scroll is TikTok shop and I just keep thinking this is like QVC and do we all know that like is this a thing so QVC used to be a channel that you would put on and I don't know about you and I keep trying to tell the algorithm when I don't want to see those stupid dresses that everyone's wearing or whatever like a pound like a milkmaid dress and everyone's got the same one. But I keep saying like, not interested, but it's like, oh, hi girls. Oh, I've got this new dress on. I'm like, you're literally just trying to sell it me. You're not trying to tell me about your new dress. Like if it was a genuine fit check or a nice outfit,

I am here for those. I'm here for the content. I'm here for sharing. But the same 10 women trying to flog me a seven pound dress on TikTok shop is absolutely driving me nuts at the moment and I feel like I'm in a twilight zone that it's QVC we've gone backwards it's the teeth whitening strips for me

I don't get them every single every single I have bought teeth whitening strips before from TikTok shop like a year ago and you've still got teeth left

hashtag influenced and I used about two strips and I've lost them your teeth I'm sure I'll find them yeah did you not find them packing up for the house I've not found strips and I've lost them. You did? I'm sure I'll find them, yeah.

Did you not find them packing up for the house? I've not found them yet. I've still got one drawer in the bathroom. Have you found anything yet that you're like, wow, I'm going to wear that? Like when we tried the kids' toys. I found this ring which I lost after we went to Helsinki. Oh. And this is literally my favourite ring.

And I've been like, where was it? Where was it? It's in a bag from Helsinki. Oh, it's a long bag. Like a little bag that I took with me didn't even use. So when we

like when parents tidy up and do a clear out of toys and put them by the door for the charity shop that is the moment the child goes but I really need that

and I've been looking for it and it's my favourite thing from seven years ago. That's me with Alex. You don't need them trainers you don't need them you don't need them. It's so easy to get rid of

other people's stuff oh yeah i'd be really good at that job no everyone thought marie kondo was really clever but really she was just helping other people get rid of she was having a great time getting paid to do the best job in the world what were you triggered by that you felt like you'd over consumed it's just all the little bits and bobs like i go to TK Maxx far too often and I'm like oh this little dish oh this little oh so it's like crockery yeah just so many like little bowls jewellery how many dips can I have listen when you have a house maybe you'll host people more than when you had a flat and those bowls are gonna come handy whereas as we've talked about in the pod before I still have a load of Ikea bowls all hand-me-downs from anyone in my family they know they can bring me bowls I'll go yeah yeah put them in the bowl drawer

like and then when you all come around from a party I'll get all your bowls out oh well listen good luck with the move and let us know next week how it goes and I will definitely have bought more stuff because I've got more room to fit more stuff this is a problem the house goes bigger and people just fill it, don't they? Yep, absolutely. I would absolutely be doing that. Okay, time for a controversial opinion. Don't be a stay-at-home partner if you don't have children. Where's this stemmed from? I'm thinking stay at home fiancee caught on tiktok is a big one we've got the Nora is it Nora Nora Nora no the trad wife yeah she's like I don't know her name but she's a trad wife like she'll be like

USC Tom woman I think my husband wanted some chewing gum so i made it from scratch she does a lot of bread i was about to say she makes bread a lot and she'll be there in like like a dress that kendall jenner was like oh my god this is my dream dress and she's there making chewing gum in it this woman jesus insane so i've only seen it when other people i've not seen it naturally so someone must have sent it or tagged it um you shouldn't be a stay-at-home partner if you don't have children yeah i so this is this would be because someone's got a partner that can sustain them both financially presumably so one's got a good job but but this is not like a childcare thing.

It's more of a, like a lady of leisure. That was the phrase used in like, you know, football's wives earlier days, when actually that's probably a really typical example. Someone that was an original wag pre-children, but really didn't need to work and possibly didn't want to, would enjoy a particular lifestyle. But the problem with that is, firstly, you know, you're not kind of building your own career and your own path and your own enjoyment, but there's no rules about whether you do or don't want to do that. But if you're not married, you're not legally entitled to anything. And so

if you pause that and you pause your income earning ability or investing ability and your pension, if that situ doesn't work out, you are completely left on your own and you might be all right with that. And I don't know, I empathize it with a little bit because if your partner or fiance says, oh, you don't need to work, I'll look after you. But it's kind of like, until you are married the you know you you are you've just no no money no assets and you're kind of a bit exposed did this stem from someone that had done it and then we're telling people don't do it because I've like yeah so it was a tiktok and the girl was like I'm sat on my 30 pound facebook marketplace sofa like I've got a whole life to rebuild.

Because she literally just didn't have one. Oh, so her relationship did break down. Yeah, so her relationship broke down. Not married. It was like a warning. And she's now like, I've got nothing. Jeez. I have to build everything for myself now. There is that thing of being over-reliant on other people.

Would I take the opportunity to be a lady of leisure if it was presented to me? I would. I mean, for a short term, of leisure if it was presented to me yes I would I mean for a short term if you said to yourself right for like a year I'll do this

I think it's accepting what the downside is and so that must be listen if you do that and you're in your early 20s and you've got like you know

it's for a period of time I think if you give yourself time and listen there's going to be some people coming at me going oh then you're just marrying for money because Cause if you marry and then you don't, cause what I'm saying is once you're married, at least legally, you are entitled to assets,

but that's because like you, you, you legally share assets and what yours is, what's yours is mine. No, mine is yours and yours is mine. Maybe, I don't know. But so don't come at me for saying that because there's nothing wrong with at different parts of your life. One person working more, one person taking care of the home, kids or no kids. I'm all right with that. Like, especially if you're like, you would want, I would want to do that for my partner. If I loved my job and it paid well and my partner didn't, why can't I work and provide for him? But at least the fact that we are married means that if if after a couple of years I decide to end the relationship he's got something to fall back on

do you know what I mean like so a lot of people this will be interesting for people whereby they follow partners careers round because I've got a friend we've both got a joint friend who had to follow her husband's career around. It was the nature of the job. So it would have been really hard for her to start a full-time job somewhere knowing that within a few months' time, at any one time, they could move from one place to another and they could sustain financially.

So I think that was a little bit different. And that was at first pre-kids and then kids came along and then practically they needed a lot of looking after. But yeah, few jobs, you can just travel. And that's actually jobs is a big one as to why, you know, someone might get a job overseas. They might get a job in the city and you go, do you want to come? And what other things to be able to do together?

But I'd be like, can you pay into my pension though? Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, I'll provide for you, but only on the day to day. Like only on the bills. Yeah. So again, I think that's where a time limit because listen I'm all about always investing in your pension not losing out on those days and and weeks and months but if it's for like a defined period of time and I think it's just

as long as you're conscious that for as long as you are not married you would be starting again and so maybe it's a good thing to think about working a little bit or think about upskilling during that time do you want to do a course do you want to like network and make sure you stay connected anywhere now can't you so I think times have changed whereby you can't there's no excuse to be like oh I can't because I'm not going to be I might not be here next month like loads of people have jobs where they can do stuff on the move but it's a very privileged place to be and I can't imagine many of I'm making an assumption

but many of our community members have got their you know we've not had a dilemma about it put it that way this is more a controversial opinion

I'm just so bored nothing to do with all this money but like you know a few years ago you might have asked I mean the tabloids

would ask children what you're going to be when you grow up and it would be a footballer's wife just a quick one ask children what you're going to be when you grow up and it would be a footballer's wife. Just a quick one, Laura here. If you're wanting to take back control of your money, ditch debt, make better decisions and build wealth for the future, the Financial app is for you. With Financial, you can track your spending on the go, hit your money goals faster and create a realistic budget that you can actually stick to. Not to mention,

you'll be part of an exclusive money community who share tips, offer support and celebrate your successes along the way. Click the link in the description to download Financial and start your free trial now. This is your sign to take control of your money today. Okay, I'm done. Let's go back to the vault. I don't want to be a YouTuber. Lucy's vault i don't want to be a youtuber lucy still you want to be a youtuber's wife yeah youtuber's wife it's much more convenient but it is the aspiration was to be um lady of leisure in some stroke fate and or famous like lady of leisure so not because i want to look after the children just because i'd to do that and or because I'd like to maybe be famous. I mean, we were looking at the professions of the current England football team.

And most of them, if they weren't stay-at-home mums, because mums, multiple children, moving around, da-da-da, and not a need for both of them to work, influencers. I think that's great. Lucy's like… But do you think that happened second are they an influencer because they're a footballer's wife or probably where there's some hey ho but yeah i feel like as long as you're mindful and you know when you're going in you know what you're signing up for it's not too controversial but it's controversial if it's like la la la this is amazing i'm not working oh i need to go find a

place to live and a job and the sofa and i've just had like the rug literally probably pulled from under you yeah and i think it's also important to go into relationships and not being naive like anything i think it's going to be this way forever yeah because that person arguably probably didn't have any emergency saving funds. So where do you live the day that you split up, go back to your parents, sit on a £30 Facebook marketplace sofa? And you're not saying you need to be, oh, poor me, because she's obviously lived a very good life.

We have seen this. We have seen 15 and 20 year relationships where marriage was not a priority fine nothing documented legally houses owned in different ways one person not building up savings one person holding an asset and kind of literally being left on on your own i mean there's we watched um on the way back from edinburgh we were watching sex and the City. It's just, just that movie. Yeah. So good.

It was very nostalgic. We would, I literally tried to recite it all the way. It was really embarrassing. Like, probably off-putting for Holly. But, there's the moment where there's that model whose boyfriends left her.

She's auctioning all the stuff. Cause she's no money. It's like, she told him, he said he didn't want to get married and then he left her and she was left with nothing. And that's what triggers the whole Carrie and Big getting married. Iconic. I love how I'm bringing this real life scenario back to it.

Absolute iconic moment that was made up. It's a reference point. Okay, time for dilemma number one okay I have no pension hi all I'm 25 and I go by they them I started my personal finance journey earlier this year and for the first time in my life I've started saving paid off my overdraft before the bank started charging interest got fairly consistent and budgeting and I'm working on my impulsive spending. However, I'm struggling with my pension slash investing for my long-term future. I'm a full-time PhD student funded by my university so I'm on the equivalent of a full-time minimum wage because I'm tax exempt as a full-time student. For the three to four years it will take me to finish, I won't be paying anything into a pension pot automatically

nor do I have employer contributions. I am saving in a LISA with the idea to eventually buy a home but I have anxiety over not adding anything into a pension and also losing more years that would count towards receiving a state pension as I have essentially not left university yet. I know I am investing in my future by getting a PhD but but the anxiety is getting really overwhelming. As although investing is always a bit of a risk, I'm really worried I'm not going to be able to catch up, even if I do end up working in academia, because I'll be missing out on the compound growth. I've been saving up for an emergency fund, but I'm not sure if I should focus on a larger emergency fund than one month, as a lot of PhDs take longer than

your funding period or after building a one month emergency fund put money towards pensions and investments. Okay they have done really well because what they talk about is going on this journey of impulsive spending, paying off overdrafts, paying off debt and you know as a PhD student it's not a great salary. It's kind of, I think sometimes it's commensurate with like a graduate salary, obviously. The big thing here is you don't pay tax as a PhD student. It's like a stipend.

That's how they kind of pay it. And so I'm really proud that they are thinking of the consequence of that. Let's just think about that. They have come from, I'm they have come from I'm in my spending I'm in my debt oh compound interest I'm like yay and thank you I feel like we're doing our job and um you've made me feel happy about that but you you're probably in a similar situation to a self-employed person so yes you are not going to benefit from the employer match and public

sector as well. I mean, I don't know if it depends on the universities because that's not quite public sector, but sometimes it's a really good match as well. So, but you're not an employee, you know, you are being paid as a PhD student. So I think you need to treat this like you're self-employed and I probably, given you've got one month's expenses saved up, I would do this from now. I would look on the government website and look at what a typical contribution is. I think it's around 8%. I've not had enough coffee yet,

so I need to look at it later. But I think you can look at percentage of your salary as if you and your employer were contributing to your pension and set up a SIP. In the UK, we've got a self-invested personal pension. You've obviously got different ones around the globe. Start that like a direct debit. Because you are right, compound interest is really, really important. You want the time and you're still so young.

And so to kind of put it off until you've, I think to put it off until you've saved a bigger emergency fund is kind of putting off this inevitable thing which is really you should be trying to manage it because if this was a salary it'd be taken out yeah do you know what I mean if you were getting a salary you wouldn't even think about it I would say you sound like you're trying to do quite a lot of things at once and the system that we use is doing one thing at a time and doing it really well you commented that you're putting money into a lisa because you want to buy a house. You have saved one month emergency fund, but you're conscious and rightly so that your PhD may go on longer than your funding is giving you. And do you also want to invest? So I would wind it back a little bit. I would focus on building a bit more

of a substantial emergency fund if it was me, because you've already highlighted that it's likely that your PhD is going to go on longer than your funding requires so I would build up a healthier emergency fund pull back on the LISA the house probably is it's really hard to save for a house deposit and can be quite like they're trying to do quite a lot that is such a good point actually and don't if you get to the end of your PhD and you've not needed to use that money, dump it in a LISA then. I still think they should save into their pension like they're an employee.

Yeah, I would say that as a priority over the LISA because it's such a long-term thing to save for a house deposit, especially if it is a low salary to be on. PhD salaries are really low, so you're not going to make that much room on saving a deposit. But if you can get the compound interest of paying into a SIP. And the discipline of-

Just putting money away. I have to invest for my future. Everyone wants to have a house. Like it's such a UK thing to want to own a house. And it's a really good goal to have. But just look at the situation. Look at it in isolation. I think emergency fund is a priority.

Beef that up a little bit more. I think if you follow the playbook, we recommend eventually that you get to like a six month one obviously on a low income that could be quite difficult I would probably say like a three would probably be a bit more sensible and like Laura said if if you don't need it you can dump two months of it into your in the licer and you get the top up yeah but do the contribution. I'm so shocked. Well, we can't give financial advice, but if it was me, I would be paying into a SIP because I want to see that growth. If you're itching for the growth. And they want to as well.

But I love how we've gone from, I'm an impulsive spender. I have an overdraft. I have credit card to, hmm, I need to be compounding this money. They're already looking at the next thing. Done so much. Yeah.

Give yourself a pat on the back first. I started back started saving overdraft paid off before the interest starts consistent at budgeting working on impulse of spending it's fantastic really good and for anyone listening to this that's like that person and you're thinking i am over here in the budgeting space and all you people talking about investing it's a bit overwhelming no no no It is an account that you open. There's so many providers. You can go out there. You can just set up a direct debit and start slowly, but it's just like a bill. So just like you have to pay your gas bill and your water bill, you can, if you want to invest and it is not overwhelming. There are, like I said, we've got a really good guide in the app that walks you through how to do it. There's a load of providers that guide you through the process, some real,

real big names. Your bank's probably got one in your app, go have a look, but don't overthink it. This is how quick this person's gone from, oh, I need to make sure I don't spend too much in home bargains to, oh, how about, how's your, how's your portfolio going? And I'm here for it. So well done. Amazing. Okay. This is a really good community one on to the last step then full steam ahead on my mortgage i want to be mortgage and debt free by the time i'm 40 super ambitious but my debt payoff journey felt exactly the same when i started back in 2023 wow they're going for I see. So I'm 37 now. So there ain't no way unless, and I don't play the lottery, so that I could be debt free in three years, but like mortgage free. I was chatting to Holly actually, really interested on your interest rates and how incentivized people are at the moment to overpay mortgage versus invest versus put money into cash ices. It's a great debate and we get asked this question

all the time and Holly and I sat down with our work like an interest rate calculator. So we were looking at this, we were doing a calculation. What's your mortgage payment again? 1,087. So four bedroom house, family of four, 1,087. But because of her interest rate, which is one point something awfully ridiculously low, she- Fantastically low. She pays about 400 pounds a month interest

and 600 capital, which means she's knocking 600 quid off every month and she's paying 400 for the privilege. And I challenge everyone to go look at this, go to an interest rate calculator or a mortgage payoff calculator, mortgage overpayment calculator. We should do a financial one. And you can see if I borrow 200,000 pounds and if my interest rate is this, how much every month is going to knock off the debt and chip it away. And how much is just being handed to the lender to be like, cheers for letting me live in my house and borrowing me that money and lending me that money. So I showed him ours because ours is jumped. Our timing was awful.

And so we're on a 5.25%. So my interest rate, so my mortgage payment is £1,680. And it was closer to Holly's not that long ago like we're talking less than a year ago but it's we have two parts of the mortgage because we it's complicated we combined two from an older house £1,200 a month is interest and £400 gets knocked off my total and it is absolutely sickening. And this was an absolutely affordable house and is, it's not a stupidly too big mortgage for our salary. We're probably at what's called a 60, 40%. We might even be close to a 50, 50 actually now equity. So we own 50% of the house and 50% of it is debt. And so imagine sitting there and going,

oh, I'm going to overpay, I'm going to pay this off, but actually £14,000 per year is just being given to my very lucky bank, not paying down the mortgage. And I think this is really important for people to understand when it comes to interest rates, how much you borrow, if they go up by 1%, 2 two three percent what impact that can have yeah because everyone on right move goes to like the oh we always overdo it what can what can i afford you always go and you go i'll go to the maximum i can afford and i'm going to knock them

down on price and then all will be well because that's what we do which is just inbuilt in us all to go to do that not with sanit how many people have been caught short by doing that and then the mortgage rates have increased, the interest rates have increased. And also like, it's very exciting when you first buy it. Great, great, great. But then you, most of us have got smartphones and most people can see their mortgage balance on their phone.

Does it not frustrate you that it doesn't move? Because when I do my net worth on the financial app every month, I just see it sprinkle down because what happens is interest is calculated daily. And I really would love you to go look at these calculators. Go tell me of your payment. And if you want us to help,

message in and we'll kind of work it out with you. Because I think it's a reminder of money isn't cheap right now at all. But even when it's a low percent, you're still paying a lot of money. Like Holly, you pay five and a bit thousand pounds per year or five grand per year. You pay just interest.

That's a lot of money. When people have this mortgage payoff dream, that's what they mean. Not only are you not having to pay off a loan, you're not paying the fee to the bank, these thousands and thousands of pounds that they're laughing. A big tip as well to look at is that the length of your term kicks that up massively. So if you can take out a mortgage over 20 years or 25 years versus 35, you might think, oh, it's bringing the payment down, it's affordable. You are just literally handing over thousands and thousands and thousands of pounds more and you can tweak the calculator

and it shows you how much more the bank gets. I keep seeing on TikTok at the minute, like young couples buying houses and they take out the longest mortgage period. do you see that see that's your that was the trick then you can afford it like we've all i've been there where we've gone hmm i want to buy that house so let's just kick that length of term to like 40 years like when you're in your 20s and then when you picture it you're like wait you're gonna be like 60 something and yeah and i think people think we won't be in there then

yeah that's the thing it's like we'll pay it off early but then people upgrade to bigger houses people just move house to a bigger house they don't pay it off early

and to the point interest rates can roll off it just doesn't the longer the term and the higher their interest rate you are paying nothing off a month

like you may as well rent like this is the whole like rent the house debate but so coming back to the point about I wish I could be mortgage free in three years but I definitely can't you can you can see why in my household we have a debate every month over investing extra into pensions and knocking down that because it's so overwhelming and and not it's not not overwhelming it's so annoying that I'd rather start ramping up that than market stuff because stuff's going into the market for your pensions but um anyone that

fancies looking at a mortgage payoff journey go have a look at the blog in the app that we've got and I think Sarah and her community members wrote it and it's really inspirational and I emailed her because I was like so I've read your blog it's really good really helpful really informative and we both then had a debate back and forth over email or a conversation about she she then said oh actually now I'm leaning to I probably should be putting it in a higher interest savings account because I've done the calculation yeah so yeah everyone's individual you have to have a look but yeah owning a house is not for the faint-hearted I would say however we we could have locked in our interest rate for 10 years and we didn't I mean your husband reminds me about that every day um but on the plus side well done community member and let

us know when you are mortgage free yes if you'd like to tell us your win head to the community in the app or email it to the vault at financial.com. Time for another dilemma. This is a good one. My brother and sister-in-law one-up everything we do. Sorry. I'm picturing it already, but go. Okay, here's some context. My brother, his wife, my husband, and I are all in similar stages of life, and our kids are only about six months apart in age. We have a three-year-old and a one-year-old. We used to be very close but we've grown apart as our lives have diverged. My husband, brother and sister-in-law all went to university together and have the same degree in civil engineering while I work as a nurse. We all work full-time. They both work for large firms as project managers and make significantly

more than my husband, who works in design and hasn't had the best of luck with companies. As a nurse, I make an okay wage, but not nearly as much as they do. And I'm the breadwinner of our family. Additionally, my sister-in-law has benefited from some lucrative investments, thanks to her family. The hard part for me is that they often bring up money, how good of a deal they got on things, how much they make per month and complain about their financial struggles like the cost of babysitting and maternity leave. It feels like everything we do, they do 25% bigger and better. For example, we bought a house, they bought a bigger, nicer house for a better deal. We book a massage, they book a weekend retreat. We book a massage, they book a weekend retreat. I recently booked a budget weekend trip

to Spain for myself and my son and they booked a five-day trip to Spain for their whole family two weeks before we're going, staying in the same place but doing much more extravagant things like hiring a babysitter and going out on fancy dinners. I'm so annoyed and it's hard for me to be happy for them. I feel petty and resentful and there's only so many times I can genuinely say good for you. I don't want to feel this way because I want to enjoy many more years with my brother, sister-in-law and nephews. I'm worried this problem will only get worse as our careers progress. Any tips, opinions or insights would be greatly appreciated. So, have you ever heard the phrase, you went to Tenerife and they went to 11 Arif?

I feel like... I feel like that one... Went to Spain, it could have been... Yeah, they didn't specify. That's difficult to be... to constantly comparing yourself to family members that you can't quite avoid. So it's not like friends in a social situation where you're only going to see them every so often.

Your lives are going to be fairly parallel for the rest of your life. So it must be exhausting to constantly say like, good for you. Like that's great. Well done. And constantly feel like you're not good enough. It's very difficult, especially when they sound very similar. Like they go on holidays, they have similar jobs. They're never going to get away from it. And I feel like bringing it up would only make her look quite bitter and resentful. And she might well feel bitter and

resentful and that's okay. I feel like you can be forgiving of those feelings if you don't feel adequate when it comes to money. The comparison beast is alive and kicking for a lot of us I think it's very natural to come to compare yeah I'm a big believer that you just can't change other people the only way you can change other people is by your behavior and seeing how they react to that and so um you know firstly focusing on yourself and your financial financial wellbeing. If you're in a place where things are tight and you're struggling, you know, you could focus on your micro. Your micro is, can you increase the income of your family? Can you make sure you keep expenses at a manageable level? They don't sound like they are struggling. It's the comparison more than we can't make ends

meet. She says they earn earn less but just because they do things 25% more doesn't mean they're financially well like they could be spending everything they make we see all the time that the higher they earn sometimes the the more they spend the more the easier it is for money to leave your bank account oh god because there's so many choices and options and one thing that goes wrong and it can kind of you know set you back so um but focusing on their own mindsets like focusing on it sounds really really condescending to say but gratitude because just because they're going on a five-day holiday you're going on a holiday with your son how amazing and work on you and focus on you you might might find if, because I'm going to say this,

every sister-in-law and brother-in-law or one of them is really thriving from this one-upmanship. Like if they are doing it intentionally, they're going to feed off your reaction to things. So one, I agree, I don't think you should raise it with them because it's their life to do what they want. And if they're earning a certain thing and, you know, there's just so much you don't know about someone's life. You don't know if they're happy, you don't know if should raise it with them because it's their life to do what they want and if they're earning a certain thing and you know there's just so much you don't know about someone's life you don't know if they're happy you don't know if they're struggling with money

you don't know if they've got health issues like we just don't know and so coming from a place of I'm alright and my family's alright and we're really grateful for these things that we're doing and not giving off any vibe that would indicate that you're irritated

or like jealous because she's triggered by it if they're if she's motivated this is she I'm I think it's like women are more like this than men but is this wrong but if it's if it's the wife but if it's either of them um if they're motivated by this like that we're better than you any inkling you give them that you're irritated is going to is going to impact them soon get bored

you said tell kids in school someone's being mean to me like oh they'll get bored in a minute like hopefully they'll get bored and not book a Maldives trip and you're like

we're going to Skegness like and there's nothing wrong with that but that comparison monster will just start to eat you up it's not going to impact them at all

yeah and do you know what if you have to distance yourself a little bit from scenarios where you find out about this stuff even if it's for a little while do it so when we've talked about this before with friends it's easier to mute and not unfollow mute on social media take yourself off social media you know if that's where if there's a family chat, mute that and don't be seeing it all the time. Don't react if they're constantly saying, oh, we've got a new this and we've got a new that, you know, good for you. Actually just stop saying that. If you aren't,

it's not mean, just, you don't care. Yeah. Learn to detach from that situation and be like, that doesn't downplay anything that we're doing no they're they're completely separate to us yeah I said before um on a different episode that we've done I found that the happier I've got and the older I've got the less I give a shit and in fact the more I'm happy for the other person like if a if a friend was buying a new home five six years ago seven years ago maybe and I was still in like a smaller house I can imagine the Laura would have been like well I want a nice house I mean I'm happy for you but I want one now I mean obviously I'm lucky like I like my home but we have people buying new cars going on nice holidays buying new homes I just can't even describe the more financially well you are and the more like at

peace with your life, you go, oh, amazing. I'll bring a bottle of wine around next. Like it's and I can't, it's night and day between I think your twenties and your thirties. I do. But it's also night and day if you, if you've got your money shipped together. True. Or if you're struggling like that. Because you understand the math doesn't work. So it's not within reach. So you just go, oh, that's really natural. When you're not really aware of your spending or you you're just continuously impulsive spending or want to engage in that one-upmanship if you've got your money shit together and you know where every penny goes and you know what your goals are and you know your head doesn't get turned because you're like

well I'm never gonna I'm in my certain in my situation at the moment we're never going to have a million pound house yeah that's I think that's quite true actually. Yeah, you know what you can and can't. And you know that even if you can afford one, if you want to do these other things, you can't. And you've made a choice. Would you rather holiday four times a year or have a million pound home? You've got choice.

Yeah. And what's important to you? It might be the house. And you go, for go holidays, I'll just holiday a couple of holidays in the UK. And the UK is fine for me. Not for me, the the weather's horrendous I'm for going the million pound house bigger house more to clean just saying I saw on them on TikTok was it Tamara Eccleston's house is up for sale and it was like I don't know I'm making these numbers up but say it was like she bought it for 75 million and it's now for sale for 35 and she's renovated it all. Oh, Jesus Christ.

But apparently, because TikTok told me this, so it's true, they only ever use three, four rooms in the house. It's got 54 rooms or 30 odd rooms. It's got this mansion in London

and they use the kitchen, the living room and the bedrooms and they don't use anything else. You can see it. Yeah, yeah. It must be hard in a, if a family's close, that's very intense. very intense you're always

you're going to be in parallel you can't navigate you can't navigate away from them unless you want to cause drama but yeah you do you you stay on that

financial wellness journey you just do you let them do whatever put your horsey blinkers on let them enjoy 11 Arif 10 Arif's better 10 Arif's real

okay any final words you do you like you do you yeah and the and you have a bigger chance of changing you than changing how they behave without everything blowing up and yeah we've all got our we've talked about this, we're the movie stars of our own lives. So follow your path. Yeah, you're like, I am. It's a great movie. She says looking into the camera. Okay, that's all for this episode. The Vault is now closed.

Just a quick disclaimer, The Vault is just a chat around life and money topics and we are not giving financial advice.