The Viall Files - Ask Nick - No I Don’t Want To Have A Threesome With Your New Girlfriend

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

On this episode of Ask Nick we start with someone who is confused after the break-up of her first big love when her ex calls and asks if she would be willing to have a threesome with his new fiancé. Our next caller is stuck in a new guy vs. ex guy scenario and is trying to figure out which one is her guy and if verbal cheating will be a deal breaker in her relationship. A traumatic event has affected intimacy for our next caller and was a reason for her ex to break up with her, but a year later he is asking to reconcile and she does not know if it is something she should do.  Finally, we speak with a woman who is stuck in a cycle with a guy leaving and coming back and she wants to try and make boundaries to stop the cycle.  “There is a difference between fighting and communicating and it sounds like you guys don’t know the difference in the moment.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Nuts.com : New customers text FILES to 64-000 to get free shipping on your first order from Nuts.com. Dipsea: http://www.dispeastories.com/VIALL for a 30 day free trial.  Caviar: Download the Caviar app and use offer code VIALL for 20% off your first order. Blenders Eyewear: http://www.blenderseyewear.com enter promo code VIALL for 15% off  Episode Socials:  Viall Files @viallfiles Nick Viall @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is going on it's monday so it's a great day because asthnic is Well, we do have just a hell of an episode for you, and we just want to say thank you. Thank you for choosing us and telling your friends about us because we truly are saving relationships. That's what we tell ourselves. I don't know. And by we, I mean me.

Also, I have Allie and Amanda here. Allie's waving, so that's cool. She hasn't been told how podcasts work yet. That's awesome. You're doing great. Job well done. Well, I guess, well, we have a great week for you in the podcast space. We have a Bachelor Recap episode for you tomorrow.

We don't want to tell you who our guest is because we'll we have a couple different options and we're going to wait but on wednesday we have howie mendel what a great interview what a great guy funny uh i've i've been following i didn't know i didn't know that howie was the voice of gizmo from the gremlins uh well i mean i i mean i didn't find this today, but most of the time I've been a fan of Howie. I didn't know that my first little month. He was in the movie called Little Monsters with what's his name from the Wonder Years. So, yeah. But anyways, I've been a fan of his for a long time. Obviously, many people know him from Deal or No Deal and America's Got Talent.

And he's been a stand-up for 40, I don't know, was it 30, 40 years since the early 80s? Anyways, he was great. He's also a Bachelor fan, turns out. I didn't know that, but we have a ton of fun talking about, well, everything. OCD, mental health, masturbation, The Bachelor, rejection, coughing, farting. It was wild. I really didn't know what direction it was going I'm still not sure where it went but it was fun to talk and I hope you enjoy it that's on Wednesday and then we obviously with the bachelor season coming to a wrap we'll hopefully bring

you some groundbreaking interviews and we can wrap up this uh just dumpster fire of a season on so many levels i could use a break anyways we thank you for listening and choosing us ask nicks around the corner let's ask nick your sexy questions. How's it going? It's good. How are you? Good. How can I help? So I'm Anne-Marie. I'm 24.

I wrote in because this past year I went through, I guess, my first really serious relationship breakup. And I guess it was also just my first serious relationship. And I feel like a lot of things happened, kind of post breakup that like, aren't usual. So like, I was kind of stuck between dealing with the first like really hard, like breakup, and then just all these other things that just kept happening um so just like a little backstory um I was dating this guy for like a year um it was pretty it was really fast um I guess you could say you're kind of engaged not exactly um and then uh well like we moved really fast like we were looking at condos etc and then like we spent all the holidays with my family and then like a month later um he kind of just like sporadically like ended things and I was very like pretty caught off guard because he was pushing

so much like so many different things like the eye was kind of like we kind of need to slow down here you felt a little duped because he was the one kind of pushing things forward playing house a little bit and then yeah you you were trying to have a little bit of um you know you were trying to be a little grounded and and yet he was the one kind of yeah and that that, that happens. You're not the first person to experience something like that. So that makes it feel better. I don't know. Yeah. Like I was, I like, I knew I wanted to be with him,

but like I also was like, this just needs to kind of go a little bit slower. Like he wanted to ask my dad if he could like marry me. And I was like, this just can't happen right now. Like that's not reasonable. Like we've not been together a full year. Like that's not logical. And so I was very caught off guard. And it's like, once he decided that there was like, nothing, like, he didn't even consider like having a conversation. Like, there was no, like, I asked him to try and like, there was just nothing like it was done. But we did continue to, of course, like, kind of hook up there for a while, like four or five months, I think.

And so when you say kind of hook up, you were having sex? Yeah. Okay. But like also very like pretty frequently and still pretty relationship-y. All he really did was decided that he wanted to you know have the option to hang out with other women without being labeled a cheater but i guess enjoyed having some regular sex that you seem to be willing to continue to provide him yeah there was like an overlap there were two weeks and this is kind of when i took my step back because I realized he had been seeing this girl.

And I was like, I don't want to do this. Like, that's not what I ever wanted with you. And so two weeks later, we finally stopped. You didn't want to do what? You didn't want to hang out with him while he was hanging out with another girl? I didn't want to be in that, like, toxic relationship where it's like, I'm gonna like we had a very like healthy relationship and i think when um it all ended it was like i didn't want to feel like i was the other girl or like i had to compete for him like that's not what i've ever wanted from a guy and that's not what i wanted in a relationship and that's what this has become and i was like i don't want to be a part of it okay good for you so then two weeks later he started seriously dating this girl and

like we met her at the same time i don't know but then fast forward like a couple months into their relationship he reached back out to me and he was like hey like we wanted to clear the air and i was like i don't really like need the air and I was like I don't really like need closure from either of you like I don't care um and then it turns out a week later he was like actually like we wanted to have a threesome with you okay so how did you respond um I was mad like I felt really disrespected um I really felt like our relationship meant more than that and I felt like he respected me more like because we've had multiple conversations about if that was something like I ever wanted to do and I was like you know like maybe if we're

like married or whatever like down the road but it's not something I want like you know like it's not something I've ever wanted to do with you like I've never wanted to be in that place and like the fact that you asked me and thought that I would just like do whatever you wanted because you asked and then like he was like well you always wanted to have sex one more time so like this would I thought I would just like give you this opportunity and i was like with you and another girl i was like are you like insane and then so that was like two months into their relationship and so i haven't talked to him since then so that was like five or six months ago and then i find out he got engaged after five months but now you're just fucked up about it well a party like

like it's just i'm okay but it's like i'm trying to like understand like how like i'm just trying to move on from a relationship that i've kind of convinced myself clearly couldn't have possibly been real if like you're able to do what you've done. Yeah. Following. I mean, listen, you're wrong about that. You're just hurt. And that's OK.

You know, from what I'm hearing from you, he sounds kind of like an asshole. And you should be really glad that you're not engaged. You're not going to marry him. Who knows? It's two sides of every story. But he sounds pretty toxic and he sounds incredibly selfish. And, you know, best case scenario, when your story started, he was just a guy who was maybe just emotionally immature and liked playing house and wasn't like self-aware about that and like moving things forward and just wanted the idea of things. and just wanted the idea of things.

And then it didn't matter what he said, you know, like, hey, I want to ask your daddy to make you married. Let's move in. And didn't think at all how you would receive that information, how you would get excited, how that might, even though you were trying to, you know, be like, hey, that's great. I want these things too with you. But like, wow, that seems fast because also you were protecting yourself about like, wow, like, can I believe that you really want those things and then yeah you know that's what your gut told

you your gut ended up being right because he just up and left and that left some scars and you feel a little foolish and like anytime we don't trust our gut and then our gut proves to be right we get mad we start we get mad at ourselves you get you know we judge ourselves and we feel like we should know better and and it's just like you get this dirty feeling of like if why didn't i just trust my gut right i mean the threesome stuff i mean the guy the guy is an asshole like he he asked you if it makes you feel better because often is the case is like when we date someone or or let's say we just know what girl that we're hanging out with or having sex with and she seems to be open to a threesome and we've talked about this on the show before the next question

is like well who the fuck do we ask you know yeah and and they're unless you're in these like you know secret groups there's not a lot of people you like who are out there being like hey just if anyone's looking for a threesome i'm i'm game so yeah you just he didn't know who else to ask and then instead of being like a decent human he decided to continue to be an asshole then throw that in your face when he got defensive now keep in mind like i'm not defending him at all but that whole like that whole well i just thought yeah you wanted to have sex one more time well it was a really shitty thing to say to you he said that because he felt yeah he felt but he said that because you made him he got defensive because you were like why would you

ask me that and he's an idiot first and then an asshole second right he's an idiot for asking you because why the fuck would you want to ever threesome with him and this new girl i don't know and you pointed out the obvious which is why the fuck would i want to do that and then he got defensive instead of just owning his him being an idiot. He decided to, like, you know, gaslight you and make you defend the fact that you wanted to have sex and something crazy like that. You know, all these things. Him being engaged, this girl, while it's bugging you the most, is the most like it's great. Great for him.

Sucks for her. Great for you. Right. For me. Good chance it's not great great for him sucks for her uh great for you right for me good chance it's not going to end up well for her who knows like i don't like this guy how old is this guy um 26 yeah i mean what you really need to focus on is to to not what's hard to do because you are going to almost be following this relationship as much as you say you don't want to like on the peripheral, because all you want deep down is validation that you're not crazy or that you are good enough. And that if, if they were to break up, you're, you're going to like, you know, and don't do that.

I've done that before too. Like don't let this be like a two year thing that you like forget. And it's not like top of mind, but deep down it's there. Like anytime you hear his name or it comes up, you don't let this be like a two-year thing that you like forget and it's not like top of mind but deep down it's there like anytime you hear his name or it comes up you don't need you want to get to a place of indifference yeah you you should practice like wishing him well hoping for the best for them they deserve each other it's great it's what it is is not your problem because as soon as if he breaks up with her he's going to call you and and try to fuck with you again and like reenter your life. And hopefully when that happens, you're in a position where you really don't give a shit and you don't like you're not like what you don't want to be is still fucked up about it so that you allow him back in because you're doing it. So I don't want to date this guy, but like I'm going to allow him back in my life because I'm going to hope to get like the confirmation validation that I'm not crazy or he's going to apologize for something. You know, he's going to see it. He's going to see that he

was an asshole to me. He's going to see how he treated me. And you're going to let this kind of like you're going to let this wolf in, so to speak. And he's going to fuck shit up. You know, it's it's not going to play out. So you should just be really happy he's distracted so that you have the time to get indifferent about him to really believe that like i don't need him to have closure what he did was fucked up thank god i have that toxicity out of my life and my relationship and eventually you just be like oh gross i can't believe i wasted so much energy and so then when he does come back in your life you're just kind of like that's funny i give a lot of advice on the show, as you guys know, but there's one piece of advice that I want to give you right now that I really need you to listen to.

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what you just said, is trying to, again, validate what he did. Oh, his instability. You know this guy sucks. You don't need don't like, you know, this guy sucks. You don't need any more proof. Right. Stop looking for more proof. That's what you're doing. Oh, well, you know, yeah, the engagement hurts, but at least it seems he's like he rushes.

He fools rush in, so to speak. And I guess like going forward is like kind of what I was watching The Bachelor. And I mean, I was listening to Serena P talk about how like going forward in her relationships, like it's terrifying because like you are so sure. And then you are so wrong. And then every single biggest fear that you had, like kind of come like ended up coming true. And so like you don't. You weren't as sure as you wanted to believe you even said that while he was moving things so quickly you were like hey buddy slow

down and that part of you that was saying slow down was telling you this isn't as healthy as i want to believe it is like it all felt good and yeah yeah like you wanted to believe it would work out but he was doing things that you sensed and your gut told you seemed unhealthy or not okay or too fast right and so those were some little red flags that he was flying that you were noticing yeah it doesn't mean you didn't like him it doesn't mean you didn't wish that things would have worked out but yeah you saw it right so now going forward you will be better at paying attention to those things instead of like being like, hey, babe, I think we should slow down. But like and then, you know, you just said it and you thought that was enough. And he's like, no, no, no. It's totally cool. You're like, OK, I guess next time you'll be like, no, like I don't like.

No, we're not like that's nuts. Like, you know, next time you meet a guy and he's dating for a month and he's just like, I love you. You're like, what do you love about me? Explain that to me. Walk me through what you love so much about me. Instead of just being like, I know I'm great. That did happen. And I mean, I think even then, like, I was like, I'm not going to tell you that.

I think my biggest issue is just like kind of getting like the validation from like from i don't know why like just like for some reason my mind always goes back to like trying to validate like maybe it wasn't real maybe it was like and it's just it was very real right and that's okay it was a very real relationship because we often get ourselves in relationships that don't work out. Don't pretend that it like at times you he cared about you. You cared about him. Yeah. You fell for a guy that also had a lot of shit to work out and he may or may never work out. It's not your problem. Hopefully you want it. Like, yeah, listen, someday this guy will figure his shit out, but you will be long past and over it. And it just will be such a, you'll be like, good for you. You know? Yeah. And I think it was just because it was like the first,

like honestly it was my first like serious and non-serious relationship. Like in general, it was my first relationship. And then it was also a lot more serious, I think, than I predicted i would ever get myself into the very first time you listen at the end of the day this is more of a lesson about understanding your own vulnerability yeah right and trusting your gut like you you were vulnerable because you liked a guy for the first time and it was exciting and new and then you prioritize that over what your gut was telling you and the next time you experience

these situations hopefully you figure out how to balance that a little bit better you know that you're a little more cautious of the excitement that you feel and i don't know if you listened to our episode with dr berman another example of like maybe these butterflies and excitement that we feel early in relationships aren't necessarily meaning that we're in love and or that it's like oh this is my dream person it just means yeah i'm excited maybe that's my gut telling me something else right so um it sounds like you are in tune to those things like you should be proud of yourself actually that you're like i knew it right you could be mad at yourself for for not flying through but at least you knew at least you weren't like oh my god it was all perfect you

know you even said it wasn't perfect it was going too fast it was it was moving at a somewhat immature uh delusional pace of which you sensed and so you can give yourself some credit for that but as far as this guy goes you got to let it go you got to move on you have to accept the fact that he's not right for you and you have to stop looking for reasons to tell your ego it was right or like oh you know you know what i'm saying like yeah you've already you have all the information you need to move on you don't need more stop looking for more you know reasons you already have yeah now you just have to trust yourself and move on i mean it i guess it has been like less than a year but i mean i feel like it's just so much has happened that it's just like i get so far and then i get back yeah well do the whatever whatever is bringing you back is you cut

those things out social media mute them block them but also like tell yourself that you gotta you gotta tell yourself it's like it doesn't bother you that you gotta you gotta tell yourself is like it doesn't bother you that you're over it and you have to and then eventually you'll believe it he he fucked you up a little bit you know yeah yeah next time you know when you are getting gas lit when you are questioning your own sanity because someone's like making you feel bad about like being like, why would you ask me to have a threesome with your current girlfriend?

You just have the confidence that what they're doing is insane and wrong and don't ask yourself if you're crazy. You know you're not crazy. Yeah, I think I just thought more about, I don't know, but yeah, I get that. You are more self-aware than you want to give yourself credit for.

And you just have to, you know, realize that and, you know, you gave yourself credit. Well, I actually needed the whole like validation perspective. Cause I guess I like hadn't seen that. That's kind of what I was constantly doing. We're trying to validate their relationship to make me feel better. I don't know. Yeah, you are you

all you want to hear right now i've been there is you want to hear nothing makes you feel better in the moment than hearing that why he sucks or mistakes he's making for himself that will eventually end in his own tragedy but that's yeah that's why you're having a hard time letting go because you're getting short short-term gratification but that keeps you obsessed about that situation so that's why you really have to practice like being happy for him. And then you'll be indifferent because it's ridiculous to be happy for him. Eventually, those become indifferent. You're like, I don't honestly, I don't care. I just don't give a shit. Yeah. All right. Well, best of luck. I'm sorry you're going through this,

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Yeah, it's my birthday. What a win. Let's see if we can make it better or worse. Not sure. I make no promises. Hey, whatever it is, it is. I'm ready for it. So kind of a long story.

I dated this guy for about two years. It was kind of a hard relationship in the fact that he's in the military. I dealt with a lot of distance, a lot of goodbyes, a lot of missions. We made it work up until so it was our two year anniversary. um up until so it was our two-year anniversary and then he got deployed um during the deployment we actually broke up and that was super hard for me and a little story behind that is he kind of has a hard time talking about his emotions so I can kind of read people really well and he would always say no everything's fine like everything's fine but like something in me was kind of like I kept asking because I felt like I knew and nope everything's fine everything's fine but like something in me was kind of like I kept asking because I felt like I knew and nope everything's fine everything's fine I was like I you know I kept asking for the reassurance of are you sure like are you sure you want to be with me um everything was fine and then

one day we were facetiming and he was like I just I don't know anymore like deployment's hard um and we just broke up there was no fight there was it was we stopped talking then obviously we were in quarantine and everything was i was kind of by myself and after a few weeks things started opening back up again um and my roommate from college is actually from my hometown so she was like hey like do you want to hang out with me and a few people go get some drinks um i said okay um while was there, there was this guy that was there and we just kind of hit it off. Just one of those things where people understand each other. We just talked all night. And then from there, he, before I came back to school, he was like, Hey, like, do you want to go? Like,

can I take you out? So we can kind of get to know each other more because you know you're drinking and stuff like let's get to know each other on a more personal level took me out it was great and then I went back to school and we kept talking and eventually I was just kind of like like we kind of decided like hey like why not date um but I don't necessarily know I was over the relationship from before I was just kind of over the sadness, you know, just the initial sadness. And I'm kind of wanting to jump into new relationships. Um, I've always had pretty long relationships, um, back to back, but, so then as everyone said, he would, my ex came back kind of just like, I have no idea why I did that. Um, I,

I messed up and we kind of slowly kept talking. I kept the one guy, the new guy informed. I told him everything like, hey, like, my ex is back. This is what happened. And then my ex wanted to come and see me when he got back from deployment, which was only like a week later. Like he contacted me a week before he was coming back. And then I asked this new guy, hey, like, are you cool with me talking to him to him like I feel like I need the closure because we stopped talking when we broke up completely and he was like I totally understand so we did and I just like completely fell back for my ex and with this new guy it was like we said we loved each other and for me like I do but it wasn't like the in love type of love and with my ex it was very much like passionate passionate love but this guy felt way different

for me he you're the one I can't imagine life without you anymore like you've changed me all that kind of stuff the new guy said this yeah okay the new guy was completely like you're the one I'm going to marry and it was a lot because it was like only a month of talking and dating and all that kind of stuff and then I just kept talking to my ex and talking to him and he had asked me if I had been talking to someone and I told him yeah but I didn't really want to necessarily go into detail another fact is my ex was a virgin until he met me. So when you say you didn't want to go into details, you had sex with a new guy and you tried to avoid telling him that?

At that point, I hadn't had sex with a new guy, but I didn't, I felt that we did everything else, but I felt like I almost didn't want to ruin my chances again with my ex. Sure. I get it. Because, you know, sexual stuff with my ex sure i get it by because you know sexual stuff with my ex was very important to him and it was very you know save it for the right person with me i had been with well i mean good for him that's important to him but he he he let you go and you had a right to live your life right um it may be important to him and he might not have a

an extensive sexual history but it's not like he was saving himself from marriage either you know he had sex with you and he broke up with you right and if he broke up with you clearly in that moment he was like not my person you know um back with my ex and basically what happened was he knew my relationship with this guy but not to the extent and not completely basically what happened was he knew my relationship with this guy but not to the extent and that completely on me I like he knew we were super close he knew we hung out he knew we have the same friend group from home now because I was introduced to them so when we when I came back home like on breaks and stuff for the semester I was hanging out with them and although he was kind of uncomfortable with it he's a very understanding guy and I almost took advantage of that fact the new guy no my ex was very

understanding of me you know he's like I broke up with you you talked to him when we broke up I acknowledge that and I'm not gonna that's not being understanding that's being like self-aware and realistic I mean I just feel like most people would just be like no like you can't well at least most people sure but most people that doesn't really matter right like we have a way of manipulating or you know sometimes gaslighting you know that it's you make we make it about our our feelings and how it hurts us and it's just like well this is what you're doing your choice you know and I wasn't doing it despite you I'm just moving on with my life so where are we now so basically we got back together and I want

to say November and he he kind of knew things were going on like he felt weird so at one point I think it was like new year's eve he like we were we went to bed like early because I don't know and he like took my phone and he like basically read some messages um between me and like the new guy and basically it was just like he didn't realize how deep our relationship was. And we were like saying like, I was like, I love you. Like, I'm like, sorry, like this happened. Like, I still like love having you in my life. I kind of like, I miss you. Like, I want to hang out when we got back.

Sure, just a bunch of shit he didn't want to read. Yeah. And like, I don't remember exactly what it was, but like stuff I should not have been saying. Why not? Some of it crossed the line. What do you mean crossed the line not like what do you mean cross the line cross the line i shouldn't have been saying stuff to someone i was talking to before while i'm dating my boyfriend so wait you got back to your together with my ex

and then while you're back together with your ex you were still talking to that guy okay i got i get what you're saying so you it wasn't like when he was gone, he was backing your life. He was back in my life. Gotcha. Okay. All right. So yeah. Okay. So, so then he read it and he was not going to tell me that he read it. He just wanted to forget about it. He does not process his emotions well or feelings. So like, he was like going to pretend he never saw it. Like he, he whatever. But then he was acting weird the next day and i kept saying like hey like you good you good and he kept saying yep yep yep and then eventually he cracked and he was like i read your messages like he was like i mean some of the stuff you're saying like i i would say that it was cheating on me and he was like you've always said that like you know cheating can it

doesn't have to be physical no um and i was like you're absolutely right like i did cross the line and now like we are back together and we're fine and he said he's he's good like i if anything i'm the one who brings it up because of my anxiety and i keep thinking is he really over it or is he gonna leave again like last time out of the blue it's kind of like i'm overthinking he's like you have to forgive yourself but i refuse to forgive like I keep you guys have some shit you got to work out. Right. I think there was hurt on both sides with him breaking up and then you tried to move on. And then he when he was ready on his time, popped back in your life and elicited a lot of like feelings that you had and wanted to forget and that doesn't make what you did okay but and then you know you're I think often you know when I was

younger too um and it sounds like maybe you guys are experienced you're trying to almost live up to the expectations that you guys are setting for yourselves or what you always thought you'd have in a relationship and it sounds like you're both good people and probably had upbringings where you were taught about like what it means to love and you guys want to you have the best intentions right but you realize as you like get into your adult life shit's hard and feelings get involved and there are people come and go and and and so you're both figuring it out and you did some shit that hurt him and but i wouldn't ignore that i think you're kind of it out and you did some shit that hurt him. And, but I wouldn't ignore that. I think you're kind of quickly dismissing. Why were you texting him? Like what was going on that caused you to say these things to the other

guy? Yeah. The biggest thing I think is. I love my boyfriend in every way and he's great in every way, except the fact that I have like pretty bad anxiety when it comes to like relationships. I overthink everything with my friendships too. And he simply does not

understand anxiety whatsoever he's like you're fine everything's fine and this guy understands that on a completely different level and I felt like selfishly I needed it from that's a big deal it is it is that's not like a I love everything about my boyfriend but like god I wish he liked ice cream as much as I did you know like and it's hard because he tries like he's like I would go to therapy with you I would try to understand but for the past it's almost been three years now since we would be together besides like the two months we broke up but he has tried he just cannot get it and it's super hard for me because I deal with it every day and it's hard because he does try he's not like it doesn't

matter what do you mean by try and what do you mean I mean he doesn't he tries to say like how can I help you like how how can I what do you say to that um I guess just like ask me I don't know how I'm feeling sometimes so he's not dismissive of your feelings is what you're saying he's not dismissive but when I say hey like I'm feeling sometimes. So he's not dismissive of your feelings is what you're saying. He's not dismissive. But when I say, Hey, like, I'm anxious about this specific situation, like, Hey, like my dog passed away yesterday and I was sorry. Yeah, it's hard. But I was telling him like how much it hurt. And he was like, it's all good. You'll be fine. It happens. And it was like, I just,

Oh, that's just a guy kind of being dumb. And, you know, guys are, I think they can fix things. And the classic case of he just, you just kind of want him to listen and, and, and be there emotionally and empathize with you. And he's, he's like, well, I'll fix it. And I'll, I'll give you the reassurance of like, you're going to, you're going to be fine. And you're just like, wait, but I'm not fine now.

Right. He has the best intention. It's just like other people I'm not fine now right he has the best intention it's just like other people I feel like almost get it more like I got calls and stuff and he didn't really call me he was just like let me know if you need me and I was like I just wish you would check in and like hey you good like so what's your biggest problem that you feel like you have right now in your relationship or just in general I guess just learning to trust and let go when someone says hey i forgive you it's okay and i don't know if that's like something specific to him and i his and i relationship because of how we broke up and how i did believe what he said and

then it was it was not the truth it sounds like you have this deep down fear like he broke up he he broke up with you what felt like to you out of nowhere right and you're then combining the fact that like he doesn't really show his emotion so can i really is he does he is he really forgiving me or is he just pushing it aside because i know he likes to put it aside and you're trying to like make sure that he never you know this is really about you right and i get it you're just gonna have to see you know like listen i don't know how this is gonna work out for you like i don't know if this guy your is your person my i mean i always just bet on the fact that he's probably not and you you are young and you've broken up and clearly you've already taught

yourself that you can be attracted to other people. And, you know, there's a romantic element of him coming back from his tour and then you miss him and like, oh, fuck, I just love, you know. Right. But who knows? You don't really know yet if this is a person that you can really feel your most authentic self around. Right. Right. I think that really matters as I got older, like that. That is something I truly value. And I think when we're younger, we, we, we don't value that as much. We almost try to be the person we want to be or who we imagined ourself to be or how we want the relationship to be. And then we don't feel like we can be ourselves. And that's, that's important when you're thinking about the rest of your life. And so I don't know. I think you're just going to have to, if this is the relationship you want to be in, try to get out of your head. You know, this is more of a you problem than a relationship problem. Like, I don't know. Well, yeah. I mean, yes. I'm always the one bringing it up and I know he hates it because I know he just wants to say, let it go, dude. Like, yeah, you have to trust him. Right.

It's been like two months since then and like he hasn't really brought it up do you trust your boyfriend yes completely all right so if he tells you to let it go you're gonna have to trust him i just trusted him last time and that didn't end well you fine but you've chosen to also forgive him and get back in a relationship right like so you're almost saying like i didn't really forgive you i'm just like setting it aside and that's what you're you're kind of projecting that onto him because like you're worried you're kind of doing the same thing you guys aren't really addressing the issues you're just saying everything's fine let's just be together because ultimately that's what i want right now because he hates fighting

and i hate fighting it just well there's a difference between fighting and communicating and you guys don't seem to understand the difference in the moment i communicate a lot and i have a lot of opinions and he's kind of like okay it's all it's all good like and i'm like say something that matters that matters yeah well i i guess that matters right like you're downplaying this i love everything but this you you clearly have a lot of frustration about how you communicate with your boyfriend. You clearly have a lot of angst about like how comfortable you truly are in this relationship. You really have a lot of angst about how safe you feel this relationship. I don't know. Those sound like big deals to me. I'm not saying you should break up

with him, but you either have to like you have to be vulnerable you're young there's a good chance whether it's like you're going to get hurt again right in a relationship that's okay it's not going to kill you you'll survive right yeah on the pursuit of finding the person you're going to feel the most safest around and and the most comfortable and safest to be yourself along the way you're going to swing and miss but you're not doing yourself any good by just constantly having anxiety and worry about it all going bad you know that's what happens like i'm a planner obviously that comes with the anxiety he's like day by day like don't worry about like are we gonna get married in two years like are we gonna do this he's like and that that's

what feels safe but plans don't work out as i've learned yeah well well that's a great lesson you've learned right remind yourself of that you definitely it seems like you need to chill a little bit yeah these are the choices you've both made you both you know as every relationship goes you've you've both made some mistakes you both seem to be willing to prioritize each other more than the mistakes. That's great. But you both really have to let it go. I just know how much like of a thing cheating is. And like, I've, I've been cheating.

So I know how much it hurts. And I just feel like the worst person in the world. And like, it's, it's. the worst person in the world and like it's it's past us i mean at the same time it's maybe you found a guy who recognizes uh is in control of his own ego recognizes that he played a role in this and like listen you're responsible for your own decisions like it's not necessarily his fault you cheated but like he credited the situation and and you made a mistake and you were experienced like he he he left on his terms he came back on his terms you know you didn't handle it well you didn't handle it great there's definitely a better place like the the best in hindsight the best approach would be like i don't

know if i could take you back right now because i like i want to i want to take you back because i don't want to lose this because i love you and i'm afraid to lose this but i know that i have other things i have to process too and i don't want to like cross streams and I don't want to lose this because I love you and I'm afraid to lose this. But I know that I have other things I have to process too. And I don't want to like cross streams and I don't want to muddy the waters. That would have been the perfect solution. But hindsight's 2020. And I felt, I felt guilty in both ways because I was, I hurt two people. But it sounds like you are currently dating a guy who can recognize that has the maturity to say, I played a role in this and I can either point the finger and tell her how she's wrong and make it all about my feelings and my hurt and how it hurt my feelings. Or I can like recognize that

deep down, I believe that she loves me. I trust that she loves me and I might be wrong, but I'm going to go ahead and trust and then go forward. And maybe that's a page out of his book that you can try to learn from. In the meantime, I think you need to take a breath and try to let shit go. And assuming that that's what you want and or not and break up with him. But you have to force yourself to let you have to trust him. You have to give him the trust that you say you want to give him at the risk of being wrong again. All right. Well, best of luck.

You know, it's tough it's tough but i think uh you owe it to the relationship to try to trust each other at a minimum and see if you can communicate more effectively all right i'll take your advice all right take care thanks for calling in i appreciate it all right bye-bye bye how's it going? I'm good. How are you? I'm great. What's your name? Jesse 26. Awesome. Jesse, how can I help? So I wrote in, um, because I was in a long-term relationship for two years. Um, we broke up about a year ago. Um, and now we're at a point where he reached out to me wanting to reconcile. You know, I do want to give you a little backstory. We ended on good terms. There was no hatred or infidelity or anything, but I do struggle with intimacy issues. Yeah, like about five years ago, I was sexually assaulted and it caused me to not be very forward with anyone or really have a drive that's considered, quote, normal. So when we broke up, it had been probably a couple months where we just went like 100 to zero.

There was like no sex. There was no nothing. I mean, we kissed and stuff, but past that, there was really nothing. And I think it led him to kind of blow up and question why that was happening. Was he aware of what happened to you? No. I chose not to tell anyone, not even my parents. The only person I really knew was my sister,

and it took me years to tell her. So I ended up telling him the truth at the end. Like, so I could explain what was happening. Cause I, in the back of my head, I knew why I was acting a certain way. And he basically was like, I can't deal with that. And he was like, this is just a lot. And he needs that physical, or he says he needs that physical part to feel like a partner. And yeah, so we ended up ending things and we've had a year apart and he reached out to me Monday when I wrote in. And so I'm just kind of want your opinion and see if this is something like I should be able to salvage or should want to try again.

I guess is what I'm trying to get at. Well, so this was like a year ago. Yeah. What's been going on with you in this past year? Is this something that, have you talked to a therapist? I mean, this traumatic, obviously event, have you been working through that for you personally? Yeah, a hundred percent.

I did therapy right after, up until that relationship. That was my first relationship and only relationship after my event. And since then, for like the past year, you know, I've been in therapy and I have learned to reason with not being in control of how someone reacts to a traumatic event. And I think I had to be okay with him fleeing for a little bit. So, I mean, that's really the work I've been doing is just being okay with someone else's actions because it shouldn't affect mine. And like, I know I'm at terms with what happened to me. Like, I'm okay. I, you know, I feel like I could get into a relationship. I mean, I've dated the past year, but, um, yeah, I mean, I, I thought I was going to end up with this person, so I'm not sure what to do. So what part of you wants to get back together? 98% of me. Okay. What part doesn't the part that he flies away when something like that happens. Okay.

Well, that's valid. So he called you and he says he wants to get together. I'm assuming, did he address that? So. Or was he like, did he pretend like, hey, by the way, I know when we broke up, you told me this really traumatic thing that happened to you. And I was pretty insensitive and borderline dismissive of something that must've been really hurtful. And while I was dealing with it, like my bad, I'm sorry. Also, can we get back together? Or did he just pretend it didn't happen?

He addressed. So the first thing that he said was like on a scale of one to 10, how much do you hate me? Okay. And I was like, well, that's an odd approach. I was like, and I, it took me a day to respond because I didn't know how to handle it. I said, I don't hate you. And I asked was like, well, that's an odd approach. I was like, and it took me a day to respond because I didn't know how to handle it. I said, I don't hate you. And I asked him, like, what's your purpose of reaching out? Like, why are you talking to me at the moment? And he was just like, and he explained to me how this past year has been difficult. And he felt like his reaction wasn't well thought out. And he was like, I believe i understand what you went through

was his words and i said okay and then i was like well what what do you want or what do you want to accomplish and he was like well i want good communication um i want to be a team and i want great sex so wait he said? He said those three things. Some red flags here. You think? So that's why I'm like, we were never that couple that texted when we were in the mood.

That was just never us. And then the fact that he was just really forward, I'm not sure like why or like if he has like no regard for like anything. Well, I mean, best case scenario, he's just kind of dimwitted. You know, like it's like it's weird because like he, you know, asked you that question, how much do you hate me? Right. So he was aware that he probably hurt your feelings, but instead of just being a mature adult and say, Hey, before I say anything else, I just want to say, I'm sorry. And here's why, here's what I've learned about what my actions

might've done. And I'm ashamed of how I handled it. And I understand that, you know, I didn't mean to. And I'm sure you recognize that. But here's why I wish I would have done things differently, even in the moment. And I'm sorry for that. Instead, he was just like hoping that you would let him off the hook by being like, no, I don't hate you. You know, like and so then he can kind of just ignore that it's just it's a very immature way of handling something and to me that would tell me he is still uncomfortable with having uncomfortable conversations I don't think he's ever had to just face something head-on where like his instinct is just to flee. Like, I think honestly, that's probably his reaction to his problems if he doesn't have to deal with them,

he chooses to not, but he did apologize. He's like, I'm sorry for leaving. I'm, I was an effing idiot. So he apologized and then I asked him what he wanted. And that is when he responded with those three things. And I just didn't say anything. I didn't respond. I don't didn't know how to take it. But he was he told me he was open to a conversation and wanted to like hear it out on details on, you know, how I've been for the past year and what I was hoping to get. But like, I don't have an answer. All I'm confident saying is that this would be a risk for you to let him

into your life because it could, it could, uh, open some old wounds, you know? And it doesn't, he definitely seems like a person who, uh, lacks at best case scenario lacks the social skills to have a sensitive conversation and he doesn't know how to like take his needs out of an equation like getting laid you know especially when dealing with something like this, right? And so whether he means to or not, he just might hurt you by just continually being insensitive. And I'm not confident what you've told me that he has really learned how to be able to do that. Because, like, listen, everyone in a relationship

wants great sex, but, like, really, that was the time you felt like you needed to, like, throw that in there? Right. Especially given that, like like how things ended the last time and his lack of ability to understand that what you went through was probably a reason why you were ever having a hard time going there and and being intimate and and having reservations about sex and so let's go back to the 98 percent that you want to get back together with them like sure why i mean we had a great relationship he is an incredible human being he you know supported

me in every single thing like i went through like a layoff at the time um i lost my grandparents my dad got diagnosed with cancer just like a lot of things that should give someone an excuse to leave I feel like he chose to just you know dig in deeper and then when it was me like I think I think you're giving him too much credit you think you've been through a lot I want to give you a hug you know you've been through a lot but like like, you know, life can suck. And sometimes life can suck all at once. You know, like sometimes, you know, you hear the phrase like when it rains, it pours type of thing. And it's been pouring for you for a while now. And I don't think just because he stuck through like experiencing death, you know, or, you know, like that's that's what a relationship is.

That's a that's bare minimum right i don't think he needs a pat on the back for like not for not you know what i'm saying like i don't think you need to thank him for this sure you know nothing bothers me more than when friends or people will be like i'm so good for like having your back it's like i don't know did you like it's like that's bare minimum yeah it was like listen do you either either like if i did something shitty if i deserve to be lectured that don't have my back be my friend and like tell me what i did wrong but like having my back and being loyal or or there for me like this is called being a friend this is called being a partner this is

called being someone i can count on you don't get points for that like that's you know and so i don't think he gives he gets points for for being like pretty decent and most of the time that he was required to be decent to you yeah i mean maybe i compare it to like previous relationships and i think those were so shitty yeah this one just feels like age is different and like maybe it isn't but i don't have another standard to like go off that's i think that's very brave of you to acknowledge right because it takes some looking in the mirror on your end to be like you know maybe my pickers off and all our pickers are off right right you had some bad luck and are you still going through therapy yeah yeah i think that's great right i think uh to me this feels a little bit of

he's he's he's reaching out at a vulnerable time for you and and at the hopes that maybe he has figured out he's a nice guy and maybe you can get back to that having someone around who you could lean on at times would be a really nice feeling but i even feel like you sense the fear that he could hurt your feelings oh yeah are you in a position to feel confident enough to get together with them not try again but just agree to like meet up with them or talk to them and really own that conversation and and just be like listen can i be totally honest i'm not really interested on and hearing your side i just need to tell you exactly how i felt uh how you made me feel what i need uh like you know like asking what he wants is you know i

don't know if it should be a big concern of you right now but i just feel like he really hurt you and you're still trying to feel figure out ways to validate his behavior because you know and again i'm not saying he's a terrible guy but i think maybe you can do better like i don't know like i'm a huge like don't waste my time type person and i don't want to waste my time again i don't view that relationship as wasting time i just feel like i learned my lessons and i'm like i've done a year of like work more work on myself and if i were to have a conversation with him i would be so angry as you should why do you feel bad about that I'm not sure well I personally think you have a right to be angry do you feel

like you can be angry with him oh yeah 100 but I feel like the second I am he's gonna walk away that should tell you a lot yeah because like I said like his I think his innate reaction is just to walk away just say I'm not doing this do you want someone in your life how old are you again 26 yeah you're super young Chrissy's still looking for Mr. Right I'm you know I just found a girlfriend I'm you know 42 who knows how that's gonna go you know like according to a psychic I'm just kidding yeah the psychic doesn't think it's going to be a tragic end. I mean, you know, I'm joking, but like you're still young. You have a lot, you know, I'm sure a lot going for you. You're in a room. Chrissy thinks it's New York. But I get what I get feeling impatient. I do. I don't think you should give a lot of energy

to someone you think that you have to tiptoe around and you can't even express how you feel and you can't express anger because you're afraid he's just going to leave. That is a terrible feeling to feel in a relationship. How unsafe could you like that? Oh, my God. Terrible. Yeah. You need to feel safe and feel like you're yourself. I agree with you. I just. Yeah, I just wanted like a third party opinion. I just don't want to go with anyone who's biased because I know what my friends would say and I know what like my family would say, I want to chime in here.

She's basically saying that you're still going through therapy and that you need to be in a relationship that makes you feel safe because if you're not in that relationship when you feeling safe then you're not going to be able to heal right yeah no i agree you're not you're not there yet that's okay yeah no um i acknowledge that i just i guess i thought that him coming back was like him ready to like face the issue. And I don't consider it an issue anymore. I, or like, I don't, I don't consider it. I don't think of it as a part of myself.

I think of it as an event and not necessarily who, like that makes me who I am. And so by him coming back, I, my head like registered that as, oh, he's ready to talk about it. He's ready to. We don't know why, why he's back in your life could be boredom. I mean, listen, I'm sure it sounds like he recognizes that he was kind of a dick and he maybe feel feels guilty about it. what he did or how he did it. Or the bigger picture for you is like you even seem reasonable and empathetic to him more than he is to you. Like, hey, maybe this is a lot for anyone to handle, et cetera, et cetera. Like, I guess I get it. But more importantly, you don't trust that he is in a position to deal with things that

might happen in the future, let alone the past. And that is scary. I mean, that's scary for anyone, right? Yeah. No, exactly. I would be scared. That's my reservation. I feel like I've weighted what happened or our breakup so small because the rest of the

two years, I would say like those 800 days or whatever were far better than that one maybe you should just and take advantage of this opportunity but that's also what every girl wants right every girl wants the boy that like like screwed her over to come back and be like every person wants validation validation that yeah they weren't the one crazy or they weren't wrong and it feels good to have someone regret hurting our feelings like all of us it's not just women it's men too but it's not worth just having that a body next to you why don't do you think like maybe you just take advantage of opportunities back in your life so you can yell at him and then let him go he was like the whole

reason i asked him what he wanted was so he i I wanted him to say, I want you back. And so I didn't have to respond and say anything, which is exactly what I did. So I got my gratification of knowing why he was back, but I'm not sure if he was saying that because it's what I wanted to hear. But I know he expected a reaction from me saying like, oh my, I'm sure he thought I was going to say, oh my God, me too, or whatever. And I didn't and so I don't know I don't know you don't know what I don't know if I should respond at all or if I should just like want to try to make an effort to see him so I could like rip him a new one I don't know what do you think deep down will be the best for you in the long run I don't know what do you think deep down will be the best for you in the long run i don't know i feel

like i've been debating this for like past year should i have a conversation with him and let him know how hurt i am but at the same time is he gonna care well that's the risk right sometimes when we vent right and we get it out we're expecting some sort of reaction that's going to justify our anger and you there is no guarantee he's going to give it to you there's a good chance he's going to get defensive apology like a true apology yeah i think it's risky but you could say that just keep it short and say honestly it's this is what i want from you and it feels like you don't really get it. The risk you run is like, once you open that up, he's going to be like, well, I want to understand

and I want you to explain to me. And then here you are investing all this energy, explain to him what he should know, that as an adult person, he should have figured this out. Like he came back to you without being he wasn't prepared he showed up to a meeting unprepared or pre you know yeah i'm here i want you back you know and he's like i i recognize it hurt your feelings but like whatever i still want great sex yeah what the fuck you to to you you know yeah yeah i'm so dismissive feel like, I feel like he thinks like the past year,

I've just kind of been like, I don't know, exploring my sexuality to be comfortable with like men. I don't know like what his idea is, but like the fact that he said that I'm just like, I mean, I don't know how you felt it, but it like how it felt to you, but it was almost as like, you like blowjobs yet? You know, like after, you know, it's like, it felt to you but it was almost was like hey you like you like blow jobs yet you know like after you know it's like it was kind of crude and and uh insensitive and you need an empathetic understanding person person and uh listen i sadly i've learned in my uh adult dating life through you know dating and having conversations with female friends and women I've dated that there are a lot of women out there who are victims of sexual assault. And there are guys out there that won't run, who will listen, who will talk to you, who won't

treat you like you're some sort of broken thing you know that and there are a lot of guys who won't and right now it sounds like you got you found a guy who won't and I would I mean I would spend more energy finding guys who will rather than trying to fix guys who won't I mean the whole premise as to why I didn't say anything was because I didn't feel the need to it's something that happened to me doesn't affect anyone else but me I selfishly um still believe that because it's my I don't have to tell it to anyone I don't want to you know I don't yeah um you know I can be selfish with this you should be yeah that was my whole premise was you know I don't want to share it with anyone and then I almost felt like I had no choice but to say something

because there was no other explanation for why I was behaving the way I was so like um I just don't want to be looked at differently if I do say it right out at the beginning like that was my biggest fear saying like I can't deal with this baggage or whatever or you know when we are being intimate are you going to think that I'm thinking about something else yeah it's hard it sucks and I'm sorry but and there are a lot of shitty immature guys out there and uh i just think you should just take the time to continue to heal like ellie suggested you're still on this path it's been a year and that's great but it might take longer and that's okay yeah and then you should be really picky and really careful about the people you let into your life at the risk of being a little bored and lonely sometimes.

But I would be really selective about who you allow into your space, especially while you're healing. Yeah. And it's okay to sometimes feel like, hey, I'm good now. Get back on the playing field and realize, you know what? I came back and played too early I'm not quite healthy yet oh yeah no that happened you know and then you're you go back and you you you go back to the you know treating yourself and and taking care of it and um and it takes time yeah it's good that you are working on it and The more I talk to you, the more I think you should just ignore him, block him.

I just feel like there's a lot of risk involved in letting him back in. Sure. And it's going to, more than anything, I think this guy maybe once again kind of scratched at a wound that wasn't fully healed yet and brought up some old things that you had thought you dealt with and and he's it's almost like a trick of like hey maybe i can get you this kind of like thing you've always wanted for the past year but it's not really there but like i'm going to pretend that it is and and yeah i don't i don't see it with him yeah i mean no that's what i was looking for was you know kind of a not a decision maker

but someone to just be okay with that so yeah and again you you'll let your ego be like you know what he misses me no i know i do my ego definitely was lifted and so take that take that win and then you know go back to the place where you can continue to allow yourself to heal and take some time because the place you really want to get is he reaches out again if he were fictitiously and you're just like you know what i'm good i wish you the best i've moved on and you know yeah you don't need to you don't need to say to him yeah yeah i mean hypothetically in therapy you know it's always a hypothetical situation that they come back. So I was preparing for the day he did.

And, you know, because I knew that he would. Yeah. So it did not go how I thought it would, to say the least. You're just you're not there yet. And that's OK. Yeah. Still a little shitty thing to do. I couldn't imagine i couldn't imagine uh

opening up to someone about something like that happening to me and then the person you want to believe is always going to be there for you you trust the most does exactly the opposite and makes you feel uh even worse and more judgmental about i mean that's fucking sucks yeah no it really did suck I mean you know we had a life we had a dog and so like staring at that dog he came with ended up coming with me after the breakup but yeah I mean we had a house and everything it was like I had a life um so just like completely coming back into my own was so different so but yeah yeah it is what it is I'm a year later and I'm fine so yeah all right well you're gonna be okay I I'm you're brave thank you for sharing your story I'm sure there's a lot of people listening that uh will empathize and relate to you and um it sucks you know um and

guys out there you know do better and um it sucks you you know, I don't know. We, it's like weird. It's like the more you hear and the more stories I've heard from friends, it's just, you realize is how sadly prevalent it is out there. And, uh, yeah, I mean, I think it's, uh, sad that we aren't always believed and that's always been, you know, why I'd never wanted to share my story was because I didn't think anyone would say, Oh, I empathize with you or, oh, I believe you because I wasn't. And when it happened, it happened, you know, at my previous workplace. And I, I wasn't believed by, you know, the people who were supposed to care for me as an

employee. So, you know, it just sucks. So I, you know, goes to show that not everyone is on board or wants to be supportive or understand. Well, I am sorry. It's okay. Just take some time and just be real picky about who you let in your world. Yeah. No, I will be for sure. All right. Well, I appreciate you.

Thank you so much for listening to me. Thank you for calling in. I appreciate it. Take care. How's it going? Hi hi it's going good i'm erin 21 from pennsylvania oh pennsylvania uh how can we help erin i guess there's a bit of background to it so i go to a branch campus of a larger university. And last spring, I started going out with someone on my campus. Everything was really great. It was definitely, obviously very early on, but like the best friendship and the best dynamic I'd ever had with a partner like that. And then Corona hit and he had to go home for, you know, we didn't know how long at the time, because when it first started, they said,

we'll be back before finals, it'll just be a couple weeks. So we're like, okay, we can stick this out. That's no big deal. And then time sort of of passed and that kept getting extended how long it would be until we came back and eventually of course we followed each other on social media we had still been monogamous for that period of time and then out of nowhere he posted a picture on his visco with a girl who I had known that he had hooked up with before. And it was like a very couple-y type of picture. So I reached out, just we were texting all day like normal. So I just sort of reached out and I was like, that's really strange.

Maybe we should have talked before you posted that. And he just didn't respond. And we didn't talk again from then until mid August, maybe. And he reached back out and basically was like, I miss you. I miss us. Like, I'm sorry, I did that to you. And I was like, it's fine. Like, I'm not gonna hold him to it. We were apart. It's whatever. And he was like, it's fine. Like, I'm not going to hold him to it. We were apart. It's whatever. And he was like, just so you know, I ended up transferring back home. He lives like 400 miles away.

But he was like, I want to go up to main campus next year. So main campus is only like 100 miles from my branch campus. So that's doable. And we just sort of talked through the day like there were insinuations that we were good we were just going to kind of jump back in and then the next day he like didn't respond to my text and we didn't talk again until this January and it was just sort of the same deal where he would reach out and just be like, I'm sorry for going MIA, blah, blah, blah, a million excuses. Like, how are you? Do you want

to talk? And then it was just the same cycle again. And it was frustrating this time because I just sort of was willing to set more of a boundary this time and just sort of be like this what we're doing isn't something I'm comfortable with like obviously I understand we have a number of barriers in the way but if we're gonna have any type of friendship or like any form of a relationship between us there has to be like some level of consistency and he was like yeah I get it 100 percent um and then it was the same thing we're like two days later just absolutely nothing from him again um and I know this probably sounds so stupid when I'm saying it to you I know in your head you're like he is just bored but when we're actually together it's like by far the best friend I've ever had like not

even partner it's like the best friendship and like the way we talk to each other is so like communicative and good like everything about us is so good I think I'm smart enough to be able to be like oh you're just trying to manipulate me you're just bored and it's like it seems so sincere and he always justifies it by being like I don't want to run the risk of us getting in fights and us ruining like the potential of a relationship when I'm closer to you by like talking all the time and I get that. I guess I'm just wondering, cause I do see both sides. I guess I'm just wondering if I seem ridiculous or if I am being stupid for

letting him come and go like that. Well, you're not stupid. You're being a little too patient. Are these texts from her? Yeah, that's from her. From January. Yeah yeah did you send

this or he sent no he sent me that out of nowhere yeah this is a text you received from him having not spoken with him for a period of time yes yeah like six months and he wrote hey I've been feeling extremely compelled to talk to you these past few weeks, and I have been pushing it off, but it's driving me crazy. Nice setup. You know? I want you so bad, baby, it burns, and I've tried to fight it, but I can't any longer.

So I've come to say hi. Feel free to ignore me for six months. It would only be more than fair. I won't hold it against you. Hope you're doing well. Yes, I'm alive. What a fucking piece of shit. You guys have great chemistry. That's why it feels so good when you're together.

You have a natural chemistry. He doesn't want to be your girlfriend he likes having you around and he like you feels that chemistry when you're together which is why all the feelings you feel when you're together and why it feels so good when it's good but relationships aren't just about how good it is when it's good it's about how you deal when it's bad and you you know because relationships are both you have the goods and the bad how you communicate when you're feeling bored or when you're feeling stressed or when you're not on the same page when you're feeling a little cooped up and you want some freedom you don't you deal with that and not just disappear for three months he is

yeah i mean he is a bit manipulative i mean i'm not saying he's just a guy he's just a young selfish guy who doesn't want a girlfriend at all but he does like you and he does feel the chemistry and at times i don't doubt that he misses you and feels compelled to talk to you and listen it's not just boredom in the sense that like you're not just somebody you're not anybody you're not easily replaced the reason he does come back to you is because yeah like you he feels the chemistry that you guys have together you know so you're not crazy to feel that like you're not just anyone but you are not the only one he has chemistry with and even the chemistry he does feel with you, he's not willing to give up freedom to only have this chemistry.

It's not good enough for him. In the meantime, he is a bit of a manipulative son of a bitch who, like, this is all about getting what he wants and making you feel bad or guilty. It's like a passive, it's like a really kind of low-key gaslighting kind of situation here not directly but like i would i would feel fucking crazy reading this message after hearing from someone i've missed for six months and wanted to talk to but they didn't

want to talk to me and if i got this shit i'd be i'd lose my fucking mind you know what did you feel when you got this text message i think i'm past with him wanting to like play any type of game so i read it and he's playing i know i hate coming on here and defending him because like i really do see it both ways and i guess like in my head I'm so convinced that he's a good person and I know like this situation doesn't define like if he's good or bad but like he was always so good to me that like I really do want to say like I think he's genuine with it but obviously just even if he is the way he goes about it i know isn't fair to me but then i'm not sure what's the fair thing for me to do well the fair thing for you to do is to prioritize

again your needs and respect yourself because you know this you're right this doesn't define him as a person he probably is a good guy and means well. How old is he? 20. Yeah, he's super young. He's immature. He's figuring this shit out. You know, he's in his feelings.

And nevertheless, you are being way too understanding. It's fine. I don't care if you did that and hurt me. Like, you're being way too chill and too understanding. You're not acknowledging how he's making you feel and how he's hurting your feelings for fear that when you're finally getting what you want he will leave again because you know you are you want to you know justifiably so address the way he's hurt your feelings and how you felt in the time and when he wasn't around

but you've decided to just push that off because you're like well i had it's here it's fine i'm it's fun and we have fun together and it's great well while you're doing that you are giving him permission to keep doing it you are telling him it's okay you are justifying what he's doing so like when you're like you know what it's cool when he sends you bullshit like this and you're like, it's fine. How are you? Like, whatever. I'm a super chill, cool, understanding chick. He's just like, yep.

And he will leave again and you will have then given him permission. You're telling him it's okay. You're literally telling him it's fine. And that's only going to set you up to get more and more hurt. And you're right. He's human. We've all done it. You know, people give us permission to be shitty sometimes you know takes a real high character and a lot of

self-discipline to not take advantage of the situations people give us it's just like you know yeah we're in college i don't think i ever wanted to hold him to like oh we're gonna get married and have kids but it's to say if we're gonna date in college I don't think I ever wanted to hold him to like oh we're gonna get married and have kids but it's to say if we're gonna date in college he was definitely the person that I would have wanted to be with just because it was just so exponentially better than anyone I've been with so far but like it is what it is I'm not losing a husband in the future if you want to date in college fine but like you don't need a boyfriend'm not losing don't date in college if you want to date in college fine but like you don't need a boyfriend in college you don't need a girlfriend in college if it if

it's there if it's convenient you happen to find someone who doesn't do this shit he does then have a boyfriend right but in the meantime like focus on school and and your friends and and be adventurous and take trips and be selfish and do all the things that you're not going to have a chance to do when you meet someone and have a family and have kids and like have to go home early because your dog needs to be let out. You know, like just live for yourself right now. Right. Yeah, absolutely. I'm going to do that. I told you whatever you said, I'm going to do. So we're going to silently block him and it's done. Good for you.

Chris, he doesn't believe you, but. Well, you can check up on me on one of your follow-up episodes all right well the hard part don't do i'll do it the hard part the hard part for you here is that there's no like immediate like validation that you did the right thing right other than yeah you will slowly just forget about him and you will slowly stop wondering if he's thinking about you or if he's tried to reach out to you and you don't know it because you're blocked. And I mean everything. Snapchat, TikTok, Instagram, Facebook.

You disappear from his life. It's hard. If you have mutual friends, you ask your mutual friends. Don't talk about me to him. I don't exist. I'm a ghost. I'm dead. No, that makes sense she's like

right that's fucking crazy it's crazy it's crazy but no because it's the psychological game like what if they're trying to get like that's what you just have to get over that's the hard part for you because you're gonna be you're gonna want to know if he's like trying to reach out assuming it doesn't matter he's just gonna say you bullshit like this yeah oh fucking dick no i agree it's good to hear i think it's just good validation to be like that's not mean or immature it's just run its course and he's smart too he's good with his words this one it's 20 year old yeah he is what's his major um he's political science that makes sense all right well best of luck uh you're gonna be good i uh yeah you'll be fine you can do it i believe in you but it's gonna be hard absolutely well thank you so much yeah and go out there and

casually date and be open to meeting new guys and don't't try so hard. Don't don't try to get over him by like having to meet a bunch of dudes, but just be open to it and have some fun and get straight A's. Find a fun music major. Yes. All right. Take care. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Well, thanks for listening. Thanks certainly to our callers. Some of these stories are tougher than others to share, and we certainly appreciate the vulnerability our callers have with us and our audience.

Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastme.com. Cast with a K. We will be back tomorrow talking Bachelor and probably have an amazing guest for you on Wednesday. I'm certain of it. Have we ever disappointed? Probably. I mean, it's the finale, so.

Is it? Yeah. Is this the week of the finale? Yeah. This is 3-8. All right. Well, I hope we're going to get the runner up. That's the plan.

It's the plan. Probably won't be Rachel. That's fine. I'm pretty sure she wins. That's the plan. It's a plan. Probably won't be Rachel. That's fine. I'm pretty sure she wins. This is the guess. Do we want Rachel? I mean, selfishly, I'm hoping Brie or Michelle is a runner up. Okay.

Because they're awesome. And I feel like we would get great conversations. And I don't think, I think maybe we get a great conversation with Rachel. But, like, clearly she's been involved in some stuff. You know. Yeah. I'll let someone else have that conversation maybe she rachel on rachel you know let let rachel and rachel have that

conversation i think it's gonna be i don't know if it's gonna be michelle or brie i think it's gonna be michelle's gonna be the runner-up yeah that hurts my heart well we'll see if uh brothers comes through. Okay. So just in case, tomorrow's also another episode. All right, bye.