The Viall Files - E100 Ask Nick - Dude, Where's my Orgasm?

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

Happy 100th episode of The Viall Files! Today we talk to a woman who feels like she has to teach men to treat her nicely, someone who found out she was the other woman, someone who hasn’t had an orgasm for her entire marriage, and a divorcee dating an older man. Get your ViFi merch at https://shop.viallfiles.com. Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode!  THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: THIRDLOVE: http://thirdlove.com/viall SHIPSTATION: https://www.shipstation.com CODE: VIALL LIQUID IV: https://liquid-iv.com CODE: VIALL HELLOFRESH: http://hellofresh.com/viall10 See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is going on everybody happy 100th episode of the bio files 100 wow look at us look look at us. Who would have thought? Not me. Yeah. It's our hundredth episode. So that's pretty cool. It's been a, it's been a wild ride doing all these episodes. Obviously we have to thank you,

the listener for tuning in. We wouldn't be here without you. So thank you for your support. Thank you for your reviews. Thank you for sharing our show on your social media and promoting our show and telling your friends and spreading the word that has allowed us to grow. And it's allowed us to put out more episodes. It's allowed us to get some of the guests that we've had. So we do thank you for that. And it's been a ton of fun. And we hope to only continue to grow and put out a few hundred more.

So yeah, kind of wow. We had someone email us from China saying they're in quarantine listening. And they wanted to thank us. You know what? You are welcome. You are welcome. And people have been so sweet who called in and shared their stories and opened up and been vulnerable.

Yeah, especially with our Ask Nicks. I know people are really enjoying relating to our callers. And we have our callers to thank for sharing their stories. And I hope we're doing, other than entertaining everyone and ourselves, I hope that we're kind of doing good things and helping people kind of navigate the difficult world of dating and maybe changing some people's behaviors and our own behaviors of not doing things

that kind of put us in tough situations. But other than that, it's been a ton of fun. So again, we just want to thank you the the listener we even had someone's mom email and be like thanks for helping my daughter yeah i'm such a great guy oh god i'm kidding um yeah uh other than that i mean i guess we just wanted to take this intro to thank you. We got some champagne. We have some champagne. It's engraved.

Happy 100th. Got some balloons here. I feel like a real influencer. You know when you get to like, I have 100K followers. Oh, yeah. You get those balloons. Yeah. Yeah, that's us right now.

That's pretty cool. It is. Most podcasts don't make it past eight. You really stuck with it, Nick. Yeah. I remember being excited when we got to episode 10. Yeah, I do too. That was pretty cool.

Now we are at 100. Anyways, we have a great episode for you all today. I think a theme here that you'll hear about kind of knowing the difference of compromising our morals and values and as well as opening our mind to new ways of thinking. And that can be a challenge for us as we navigate relationships.

So I hope you guys enjoy it. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com. And just because it's our 100th episode, I know you've heard me talk a lot about natural habits. We're going to do a big sale today. We're going to do 40% off.

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Because most of the time we'll use usps the postal service but sometimes depending on customers needs we'll use fedex or ups and it covers all and it works with all of those uh and then it's you know so if we have a customer reaching out saying hey you know just wouldn't want to know when our order's coming or you know it hasn't gotten here is that normal i just go into ship station and have the information i want and then i can also like you know track my shipping costs which is great for managing my expenses it's really can't say enough about using ship station awesome and they have an amazing app super easy to use um and i love it i can't say uh i can't say how much i love it enough and right now vilefile listeners list who listen can try or watch uh ShipStation free for 60 days when you use offer code V-I-A-L.

That's absolutely no risk. You don't even need a credit card. You just get it for free. You can start your trial without, like I said, even entering your credit card information. That is a win, people. Just go to ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in V-I-A-L-L. That's ShipStation.com. Enter code V-I-A-L-L. ShipStation. Make ship happen. Hard to say, easy to use. All right. How's it going? Hi, I'm Alana. I'm 23. Hi, Alana, 23.

How can we help you? So I emailed Rochelle. Basically, I'm trying to figure out a way to say this without rambling, but I'm at a point where I feel like I've become really jaded and kind of guarded towards finding love and I've never had a boyfriend and or I've never had any serious relationship at all for that matter and like growing up like my first real like make out honestly or like real kiss if you don't count truth or dare was when I was 20 so I feel like relatively new to the whole world. But I've had such a terrible like, introduction into like, dating and I've just been like, so deeply like wronged. I don't want to like, get into being like complaining or anything. But I'm at a point where I do feel like I've come

the way I like my coping mechanism, I guess, for like, putting up with realizing all that I put up with in the past is to now just be like disengaged from anyone that ever approaches me or anything. And I don't want to be in this mindset, but I feel like I've come to like a toxic mindset and like, to use your words, Nick, like, and I've listened to the podcast for a while, like, that I need to shift my perspective, but I don't know how exactly to do that. Cause I'm just kind of afraid. Can you give us a little insight to talk about like your say your introduction into dating and kissing and why you feel like it's been a challenge okay um so I was trying to think about this actually um what exactly I should mention because I feel like I don't know what would be the worst but

for some examples of like some things that I've had to deal with, this one guy who what he basically this was my last at last semester, my last university. He would make me kind of misled me. Basically, he kept telling me, oh, I like you and like asked me to be his girlfriend. And I didn't know at the time that he had his own all own separate girlfriend you know so that I realized later but he basically like um how do I explain like the worst part he okay so we were having sex and he would like literally a second after he pulled out he'd be like oh do you want to have a threesome and I'm not trying to shame people for asking for threesomes like I think that's totally valid and like people should explore their own sexuality but like I had repeatedly told him that I wasn't interested in doing that so I felt like he didn't respect that

he also like we would make plans to meet up and um he would just like respond like and like we would have it say we had planned for like a Saturdayurday at 8 p.m he would respond on the sunday at 10 p.m oh sorry just seeing this now actually not even always apologizing but that's one oh another guy though this is like one guy i'm trying to give you like a review so sorry if i'm rambling but you're doing fine but i do want to be clear so it's when you say you haven't um you haven't had a boyfriend but you've been dating yes okay yeah uh you just haven't had a boyfriend, but you've been dating? Yes. Okay. Yeah. You just haven't been able to find someone that you feel comfortable or trust to commit to them and have them commit to you? Yeah. I mean, I've never had someone ask me to be their girlfriend before. And I was telling Rochelle, if I'm someone like a creepy DM on Instagram, no one's ever asked me. And I don't know like if it's something like with the law of attraction,

like I'm not putting out that I'm like, I feel like I would be a good girlfriend. Like I'm not. I don't know. No one's ever asked me. Everyone at home, she's a total smoke show. She's a nursing student. She said she's working really hard.

Yeah, you're a total babe. You seem like a nice person. Who are some of the hard yeah you're you're a total babe uh you seem like a nice person um who are some of the guys that you're going out with um i don't even know like but another guy just to give you a just a brief other comment he um had a roommate and we had sex and right after we had sex he's like he basically was treating me like a prostitute he's like you want to have sex with my roommate what and this happened on more than one occasion like I was like my face was looking jacked up my lips took all the place and he wanted me to like go to his roommate and I like again if someone is interested in doing that kind of stuff I don't

even know the sexual term then like fine like you know people should do what they want but I like repeatedly told him I didn't want to that but then I kind of felt trapped because I was at a place where this was after that last guy so I was just kind of like desperate just to have him kind of like like I don't know I wanted to have sex with someone that was not that last guy so I put up with the new guy and I'm just afraid of getting into anything I was telling I think I said to Rochelle that I've kind of equated interacting with guys in my mind. I equate that to teaching them how to treat me as a human. And it's kind of upsetting, but I don't know how to get past it.

Yeah, I mean, that's not your job to do that. I mean, thanks for sharing your story. I mean, that must be not easy. for sharing your story i mean that must be not easy um when you're dating these guys um like are not because i mean we're big advocates on the show we talk about like if you want to have sex on the first night that's great if you want to wait that's great but i'm curious in your situation how are you are you pretty quick to have sex or i mean in every situation is different and i'm in no way saying you should you know should wait but like um you're finding yourself in this situation with these guys for whatever reason are are objectifying you you know um i don't you know and there's probably a

lot of potential reasons why this is going on i mean you know society in general guys are watching more they have more and more access to porn what you're describing seems like a lot of young like a lot of guys who are trying to live their uh sexual pornography fantasies with you um and i don't know why they think that you might be down or not but that seems to be what's going on but that's a good way of looking at it pardon me oh sorry i said that's a good way of looking at it. Pardon me? Oh, sorry. I said that's a good way of looking at it. I didn't see it in that way.

And so I would just, because you're feeling the way you're doing, I'm wondering if maybe just waiting to get intimate with some of these guys before you know what they want might be a way to do it. Again, if you want to have sex with them, by all means, you should have sex with them. But, you know, sometimes if you are looking for a relationship and you are trying to get to know someone, sex can confuse that dynamic. So it's not about, you know, shaming someone because they want to have sex, but sometimes we need to hold off on sex because it might cloud our ability to get to know someone. And so, you know, maybe try that. You know, again, if your goal is to not get yourself in a situation where you don't know how a guy is going to respond or what his desires are sexually and things like that. And as far as like, you mentioned companionship in terms of you didn't

want to deal with this other guy. And so you were willing to put up with that guy. I mean, that's a red flag for yourself to think about. You are only 23. And I appreciate your frustration of you're a beautiful woman. It's probably very easy for you to meet guys and date guys. And it's been a very challenge for you to find what you're looking for and she likes having sex too yeah you like having sex and so um you're being objectified by men and um and it might be the way you look whether that's fair or not i mean you um and again for those of you who are are listening she's just a very you're very beautiful right and i don't know why um why some guys i don't know i don't i don't know i don't know if some guys see uh you and think you might be and maybe because you're so willing to have sex early on and you're nice because they they're they're confusing they're confusing your

willingness to be kind of sex positive with into like weird shit i don't understand yeah so i wouldn't say that i do it like having sex super early on like i don't think that's necessarily um i can see how like maybe in the future when i maybe get into dating world again i will wait even longer but i don't think i just like immediately off the bat have sex with guys but i do think maybe like you said maybe might be nice like i'm really terrified of like being in flight or like upsetting people um so and like when I emailed with Rochelle and I said like I miss having sex I don't mean like I haven't been like not that that would be a bad thing if I were just going out and having a lot of sex anyways but like um I would when I had like

I mean I'm not right now I don't even know why I'm still on birth control. But, like, last year when I was active, I would be having sex with the one person. And I was, like, so frustrated. And it was almost, like, too much work because I was like, oh, I don't want to go out and find someone new because it will just happen again. But I think my question is, I agree with you in terms of waiting to have sex. But I'm at the point where like I've had some guys approach me I mean like and I'm I always find it flattering like I don't want to sound like I'm being a bitch when I when someone like comes up to me and I'm always like I never mean to anyone but like for instance last Saturday a guy approached me at the mall and was

like oh you're so beautiful and I was like thank you but then I was like oh I'm sorry I have to go be my mom and I didn't but I was just afraid like I. But then I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I have to go be my mom. And I didn't. But I was just afraid. Like, I don't know what will come of it. And I've just become kind of jaded to think, like, any guy that will come up to me is just trying to get a play me. And I don't know how to, like, change that mindset. Yeah, I mean, that's tough.

I mean, I think there's a couple of things. Dating is hard. You're not the only one going through this. So I only say that because sometimes we can feel when we have our own struggles in our dating lives and we meet people, we kind of feel like it's worse for us. And, you know, it's easier to feel like our situation is harder. I mean, it's not. I'm assuming there's a lot of people listening to this relating to you in this situation. And now that I'm thinking about it, yeah, the sex part, maybe waiting a little longer is a smaller nuanced kind of thing. I think the biggest thing for you is you got to get more comfortable with saying how you feel to men. And obviously, we've talked about this in situations where you want to make sure you feel safe and you want to feel comfortable. You should really be, especially when it comes to sex, and especially when it comes to your body,

you should never feel worried about their feelings feelings honestly uh you shouldn't be worried about hurting their feelings you shouldn't be worrying about it embarrassing them you shouldn't be worried you should you should be very you know and even if a guy's like i'm listening to you when a guy's like hey do you want like you said he pulled out and immediately asked you to have a threesome after she told him she didn't want was your response like what the fuck would you ask me that for or i feel like you'd be like well you know i don't rather not i mean you've seen like a very sweet person yeah slapping yeah i mean that's a fucked up thing to do it's like you know short of you having this very sort of you being two people who are very on the same page sexually right right? And you have a very open relationship and talking about it. That's just a rude thing to ask. It's a very objectifying thing

to ask. I can only imagine how you might have felt in that moment and how him saying that made you feel trying to connect with him on a physical level. Like it's a dick move, right? And short of you, in which you didn't, it seems like, giving you some sort of clearance to ask a question like that, it was a very rude thing for him to say to you. And so you need to get more comfortable with realizing that and pushing back and getting a little more confidence in that. And I think if you do that, I think you will notice a difference in the situations you find yourself in. And you just have to get better at not feeling bad about this. And, you know, because people in general and specifically,

you know, we, people, you know, you've heard the cliche, you give someone an inch to take a foot. And if someone senses your sweetness and someone senses that you will, you lack the ability to, you know, really tell them how fucked up that is. They're going to ask you crazy questions. That goes, kind of goes for everyone. It's just kind of human nature that we do this. And, and I'm not even just talking about in this situation with sex or that woman, like, you know, us, we're humans, we're kind of messed up that way way and so if you get better at that and if you really focus on this is what i want and this is what i want for myself and this is the type of man that i this is how i want to be treated this is what i think is okay to be how i should be talked

to this is what's not okay and if if someone doesn't act that way towards me i'm going to be you know in a respectful way i'm gonna be very curt and very direct and on how i feel about that i think you'll notice a difference it will just you'll just kind of project this energy out there and it won't it won't always be the case like dealing with creepy men will unfortunately i'm sorry that like that's something that you know probably women will always to a certain degree have to deal with but um i think you learning how to push back for yourself and and stop worrying about being so sweet is is probably a something you can try to try to work on uh because there are good guys out

there you know there are guys who wouldn't say that to you you know and it's certainly not your fault and nothing you're doing is necessarily, you know, is the reason why this is happening. I just think you could, you could probably push back a little bit better. And I think you will like subconsciously find yourself in different situations. I know you do. She has to get to her nursing job, but.

You have to get to your job. Well, I mean mean thanks for calling thank you I'll try to be more conservative in the future it's very relatable it'll come with age too you'll get to a point you are 23 don't get discouraged

it takes time this is the time of your life that you are figuring yourself out and you're figuring out the type of person and type of guy you want so don't get too discouraged you have time uh to figure it out okay sometimes i'm worried that i'll be cast off as a weirdo that i'm 23 and i've never had a boyfriend no no i mean trust me when i say this like there's plenty of guys lined up who will be happy to be your boyfriend uh and they first boyfriend and like you're not like what does that matter

honestly people your age shouldn't have boyfriends or girlfriends they should do what you're doing you're out there you're dating you're you're having some sex you're working like who cares I mean like for all the people who had boyfriends or girlfriends in their early 20s that they didn't marry, what does that mean? Does it make you more normal or less normal? That just means,

quite honestly, they invested a lot of time and energy and a lot of gifts with someone they're never going to talk to two years later. You're totally fine.

You're fine. Okay. Thank you again for your advice and thank you again for calling me. This is so surreal. My pleasure. Good luck.

Have fun at work thank you bye bye yeah stuff very relatable i think it's probably relatable for everyone yeah especially we're just raised to be so sweet and nice guys are pigs yeah i mean that's that's wild every time i do we do these calls i always feel like i have to like defend like a group of bad we're like they're not all like that yeah um it's it's tough i always i always feel bad when we get callers like that where it's like am i doing something wrong and it's just like well no and again it's like it's so nuanced to say, like, try waiting and having sex as if, like, there's no shame involved. But, like, again, sex does complicate things.

And sometimes, complicates things for guys. And sometimes we just can get a little bit more clarity. But, you know, she was even saying, it's not like she's rushing into it. Yeah. But her biggest thing is, you know, like, for her to admit that when a guy pulls out and immediately asks for a threesome, and her response is like, well, you know, I just would rather is, you know, like for her to admit that when a guy pulls out and immediately asks for a threesome and her response is like,

well, you know, I just would rather not, you know, not my thing. That's fucked up. You have sex with my roommate? Yeah. She,

men are taking advantage of her sweetness. Yes, they are. And they are, they're playing the game of, well, I guess like, you know, the worst you can say is no,

but she might say yes. Yeah. And what is really dirty playing the game of well i guess like the worst you can say is no but she might say yes and what is really dirty is like she's very sweet and and very accommodating probably in life oh yeah has you know and i'm sure she's a fabulous nurse yeah and and guys are asking her not thinking that uh she's even going to be into it that she just might say yes, which is kind of dirty when you think about it. But we just got to start pushing back on some of these guys

in ways that... Boundaries. Yeah. I don't know. Rochelle, I love it when you talk about bras. Don't say that. Just don't say that.

I think it's great. That's not the right way to phrase that. Specifically your bras. No. That's not the right way specifically your bras uh no that's not no or no third love people uh you know women uh i feel for you have to having to wear bras it's those they're expensive uh they can be uncomfortable yeah but like when you have companies like third love it's honestly kind of fun to wear a bra because they're pretty they make you feel good they're comfortable they have half sizes so that it really fits you and honestly it's kind of like you feel kind of sexy wearing it so yeah there you go they're making they're making bra shopping and wearing fun again exactly because

you take a quiz and you kind of like let them know what the shape of your boobies are. And then by the end, they give you recommendations on the perfect bra. See, when I say some things that make you uncomfortable, I get it. But when you say boobies, I feel very weird. Well, I was just getting you back.

I was just getting you back. So good, good, good. But also the cool thing is you have 60 days to try on your bra. If you don't like it, you can send it back. And what's really cool is they donate all their gently used returned bras to women in need. Gently used. I like that.

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And like I said, use code V-I-A-L-L 10 for 10 free meals. And that's free shipping, people. That is an offer you can't beat. How's it going? Good. Wow, it looks a lot funnier there than it is here. Yeah, well, I don't know why I'm for you. What's your name?

My name is Kia, and I'm 27 years old. Did you say Kia or Tia? Kia. Kia. Kia, like the car. Yeah, okay. Great, nice reference. How many times do you say that a day?

Basically every time, because it's either I get Kaya and or else they just don't know how to say it at all. So, yeah. Gotcha. Well, thank you for calling Kia26. How can we help? Yeah, basically I just met a guy off of an online dating app about two years ago and everything was,

it started off normal and then he told me that he has a job where he has to kind of be away from home for three to four months at a time. And so before he had left to his job, we went on only two days and we didn't talk about being exclusive or anything. And then after he was gone for two months, we were still talking every day. He was really good at communicating. And I had mentioned that I'd gone on like another date with a different person. And that's when he started getting really upset about the fact that I was still dating. And I had mentioned to him that because we never made it clear that we were exclusive with him. And it just seemed kind of premature to assume that because we never, um, we never made it clear that we were exclusive

with him. And it just seemed kind of premature to, to assume that I would be exclusive with him after just two dates and knowing that we wouldn't see each other for so long. Um, and so that didn't sit well with him. But then after a few more months of talking and him being, being away, I did decide to be exclusive with him, even though we hadn't seen each other over those four months. And when he came back, we spent like the whole weekend together. It was really good. I went over to his place. And then after that, it was kind of almost like he completely just pulled back. And when I talked to him about it, he had mentioned that his parents were, he just found out they were going through a divorce.

And it completely altered his perspective on relationships and marriage. And before that, he was already telling me like, oh, you know, you're everything that I want to marry. You know, you have everything I want. And I just need you to kind of grow up and learn how to be exclusive with me. So that was, and that's when I made my decision a few months after that. He said, I need you to learn how to grow up and be exclusive with me so that was and that's when i made my decision a few months after that but he said i need you to learn how to grow up and be exclusive with me yeah because he didn't like the fact that i was still dating around uh even though we had never how old is he at that time he just turned 30 okay yeah so yeah how long ago two So I think it's like 32, 33.

Yeah. And then when he told me about his parents, I was very understanding. And so I kind of backed away and just let him kind of deal with that on his own. And then like it was weird because every few months or so, uh, we would kind of just text each other and I would text him just to see how he was doing with everything. And then one day he, um, it was, this is already months afterwards. He messaged me and asked me if I would be open to, okay, this sounds ridiculous. I know, but if I would be open to being in an exclusive um no strings attached relationship thing listen that relationship but no strings attached situation and i've never done that before so basically like since you he's saying we have sex and i can't have sex whenever he's gone for those four months um throughout the

year like i just can't be sexual with anybody else. But we're not in a relationship, and we have no experience with each other. I don't know what that means. Were you as confused as I am right now when he said that? I'm sorry, what was that? Were you as confused then as I am right now when he said that? Oh, yeah. I was, I guess for me, I was just kind of like,

I mean, to him, he's getting the best of both worlds. So why not throw it out there? You know, he's that kind of person. Well, I guess what I'm curious, what you described sounds like a monogamous relationship. Am I missing something? When you say, what does no strings attach? So this is the kicker. Just tell him what's the kick is. He gets to sleep with someone else? No, no,

tell him. For some reason, something just didn't sit well with me. And so I decided to, because I already, I had already looked him up on Facebook in the beginning. And he told me that he doesn't have social media because he's just not that kind of guy, which I should have already knew was a red flag. And so I still looked him up just because I just, I don't know, I just have that tendency to double check things. But when I looked up his name in every way possible, because his name could be like abbreviated and stuff, nothing came up. But then this time, after like a year and a half, for some reason, I decided to just look up his last name because it's kind of a unique last name. For some reason, I decided to just look up his last name because it's kind of a unique last name. And at this time, he had already showed me like his family members and stuff.

So I noticed someone that he had showed me. And when I clicked on that person's page, that's when I saw another girl on that family member's friend list, right? Like the top eight at that time, because he used to have the top eight. And I saw that it was a girl who i've never seen with him and that's i clicked on it and i saw everything where he was i had my text messages out just comparing the dates of when him and i were texting and seeing each other and that's when i found out that they have been in a relationship for over five years yeah so you're the other girl. Yeah. And so, yeah, that's basically how I found out everything. And I decided to tell her after I talked to some of my close girlfriends and it was hard

for me because I didn't know if that was a, I didn't know. Let me think about this. I didn't know how to handle what would happen next if I told her. And so my friends asked, like, what's my intentions, like what I want out of telling her. And the truth was, I just wanted to let her know what happened and whatever she decided to do with that was on her. And so, yeah, I told her and at first my my mom but it didn't go very well after some time and then now I'm just kind of at the point because they got kind of nasty where he did like make death threats and you my brother yes and my

brothers in law enforcement so I did ask him like I didn't want to tell my family about it because it's not something that I'm very proud of that happened in my life. But I did, like, I did, I opened up to them just because I do live with my family. I didn't want anybody else to be caught in between of it in all of this. So my brother, who was in law enforcement, just told me, like, he said that I probably should take take it seriously even if it's just like a verbal threat totally um yeah and so where are we now i guess well we're not talking at all but for me it's just um i've noticed that it's it's taken a lot of psychological hit on me because i feel like now it's hard for me to trust myself and like trust the process of trusting my gut instincts you know because I didn't see any of these red flags and my my question is just how do you move on from well and learn to here's where I would here's where I'll disagree this is a very interesting call I appreciate you calling and sharing your your story um you said a couple things like you're I don't know what I forgot what word you used but like embarrassed or humiliated about the situation not proud of there you go um this is not your fault right like

big picture wise you you met uh who knows, maybe a narcissist. I don't know someone who's at a minimum just a liar and very self-absorbed with himself and, you know, not a great person. And those types of people are good at lying and they're good at manipulating people and they're good at taking advantage of a lot of people. And we've all get lied to, we all get fooled, maybe not necessarily with our love lives, but we've all been there. So you didn't do anything wrong. So now we're at this point in your life where you're processing this, right? And like a lot of people in different situations, when we get wronged, when we're lied to, when we feel misled and we feel fooled, it makes us feel insecure, as you just described, about our ability to sense this. How can we avoid

this happening to us in the future? Where I would disagree with you is that this didn't come out of nowhere, right? And I'm not in any way saying blame to you, but he did show you some red flags. For example, what I remember for myself, right? I was cheated on once, right? Years ago, right? And in the moment, it was like, again, as I'm sure you were, like when you're in a relationship, you pride yourself on trusting that person. And I'm a big believer that trust is a choice. Sometimes you just have to say, all right, I'm'm going to trust you and i'm going to make myself vulnerable to being hurt you know because sometimes you just have to blindly trust someone right in a relationship and you pride yourself of having your your person's back so to speak and then um when we were in a relationship you know there were things going on all of which she was very, pretty good at justifying, but in my gut felt wrong.

Right. And then after we broke up and after I started, you know, having people tell me, I got it, she was cheating on you. I kind of like went back and thought to myself, you know what, that wasn't okay. Right. That wasn't okay. That felt wrong then. And I tried to justify it in my head to protect the relationship or protect her. I didn't even want to admit to myself this could possibly be going on. And so I kind of explained it away, right? And after we broke up, those were kind of big moments for me to say, you know what? I got to remember if it feels wrong. There's a difference between being paranoid, right? And trusting your gut, right? Things are happening.

Paranoid is creating situations in your head based off of really nothing, of scenarios your partner might find themselves in that they're not even in because you're paranoid something could happen. Trust your gut is they do or say something that feels wrong, right? And you following up and having convictions. So like when he, you know, right off the bat, when he said to you, you know, kind of very condescendingly about making you feel guilty

about dating someone else for going on a date, you know, you've only been on a date with two guys, like those are, that's not normal, right? I mean, you didn't do anything wrong and you should know that you did nothing wrong. And so, you know, trusting your gut not to let some guy shame you into doing something that, you know, is okay. Standing your ground for like, listen, if you like me, I like you, but I'm allowed to date someone. We haven't defined the relationship and I'm open to talking about it with you, right? But I'm not going to be made to feel guilty by doing something wrong, right? And then fast forward where he kind of, again, condescendingly, you know, told you to grow up

and he wanted to find the relationship. I mean, he was kind of laying the groundwork, right? He was saying things that I bet if you look back, felt wrong in the moment. It felt like you were like, that's not normal. Am I doing something wrong? I don't think I'm doing something wrong, but he's very convincing about making me feel like I did something wrong. You know, we all, we're getting more and more familiar with the gaslight term,

you know, of dating someone who's really good at like pointing the finger at you and making you feel like you're doing something wrong. And we just got to trust our gut in those situations, right? So going forward for you, you don't need to feel ashamed and you don't need to feel like, you know, and I've said this too, like when I was cheated on, I wanted to, I didn't want to admit to anyone I was cheated on, you know, and people asked me what happened. And I was like, oh, I don't know, just broke up. I didn't want to tell people I was cheated on. In fact, I found it very empowering to finally get to a place where I could do that, right? Where I could open up. Because the truth is like, no, people aren't judging you, you know, no one's looking at you differently. You were duped by a professional duper, right? And now going forward, you just have to get better at paying attention

to the red flags that were there before. And then you know they were there. You saw them. You just chose to ignore them. And we've all been there, right? So now going forward, the next relationship you're in, I encourage you to still choose to trust that person

if you love them and you think that you can trust them. But if something comes up where it feels wrong, you just say, hey, listen, I need to talk to you. This is how I feel. And then have them explain it to you. And if something about their explanation feels wrong, you say, okay, well, that doesn't really quite make sense. And you will know the difference between, again, being paranoid and just trusting your gut. You'll know.

And I think it's just really about that, right? And you got to really not judge yourself here. It's really important not to do that. But really just think about all, you know, maybe go back not to dwell on the past, but go back and on those moments, it just felt like something he said didn't seem right. It didn't seem normal. You know, don't be afraid to ask your friends about like, is this fucked up? Am I the crazy person here? Or is this, is that normal? Because people who are like him are really good at gaslighting and making you feel guilty for things that you have no right to feel guilty about. And in those situations, that's not okay.

And like learning to stand up for yourself in those situations is a great way to help you avoid this in this future so that you can allow yourself to trust does that make sense yeah no no yeah it does um so yeah that's that's what i would do but really don't judge i mean really try not to judge yourself you're not the only like this is a unique situation but when people get cheated on or people are wronged, you really have to let that not, you don't want to become a cynic and you don't want to become that person who starts hating and not trusting women, you know, just learn to go back and realize, were there moments where I compromised my own values, right? And not to like, you know, don't beat yourself up over it, but that's when you're like, you know what, next time I'm not going to do that, right? Next time I'm going to stand my ground and I'm just going to calmly ask questions to say like, well, that

doesn't feel right to me. And when it doesn't feel right, I'm not going to compromise and let you convince me that I'm doing something wrong. Cause in my heart, I know this is okay. Yeah. I think like even in my email, I had mentioned that because I have also been cheated on in the past. And for some reason, this just affected me more than being physically and emotionally cheated on. Because I think this more is about me not trusting myself anymore. Whereas being cheated on is more of me not trusting someone else. And I don't think that's necessarily my issue. It's just more of like what you said where it's like, I just need to pay more attention to those red flags.

And yeah, I guess it's just more about how do I not, how do I learn to trust that what I believe in isn't wrong again, you know? Yeah. I mean, you know, men and women all do it. We talk about like, don't be a cool chick kind of thing on here. But I see it, I think we see it more with women, you know, and this idea that you're afraid the guy is going to be upset, you know. Or we get called crazy so much that you start thinking. Yeah.

You're crazy. You're not supposed to feel that way. You're overreacting. It really comes down to taking some time and thinking about qualities, morals, morals values and things that you want in a partner right and those are the expectations you hold right and those are non you know that you're non-negotiables right um and i'm not talking about like whether he has a tattoo or went to college or smokes you know but i'm just talking about how he treats you and how he

communicates and how you feel when you're around them. And when those moments don't happen, you have to have the strength and the courage to address that. And you have to, you know, like think about, I'm sure of it, like talking to you, there's probably so many times that you've dated men where they convinced you to feel bad about something that you were confused about why you should feel bad about. And those are those moments where you have to go, wait, this is not okay. I know this is not right. And so, you know, we've all been crazy before and we all know when we're not being crazy. So like if a guy calls you crazy and you're like, you know, and you're thinking to yourself, you know, I'm kind of, I'm, yeah, I'm fucking with him.

Maybe I'll be fine. But there's probably a lot of other moments where you're not being crazy. You're being totally reasonable and something he's, he's, you know, in my situation, like when I was cheated on, she was like showing up, coming home at like five in the morning, you know? And it was like, well, I guess it doesn't mean you're cheating on me, but like that just seems fucked up. And like you're with a group of people and you're conveniently unavailable.

There's gaps. And it just felt wrong. And I just kind of conveniently explained it away all the time. Sometimes because my ego didn't want to admit that maybe she was doing that. And so I think it's just being able to admit to yourself that maybe something is going on. Because sometimes our egos get involved because sometimes when you do that, you have to admit to yourself that someone's up to something. And it's easier for our egos to admit that, you know, that you're being, you know, you are being crazy. They would, this would never, this would never happen to me.

trusting yourself is just being honest with yourself about the possibilities, but like knowing that you have the ability to, uh, fight back and, and, and defend your convictions about qualities that you want in a partner. Right. Thank you so much. Does that make sense?

Yeah. No, thank you guys. That helps a lot. screw that guy. He sucks. Yeah. But,

uh, you're going to be fine. Best of fine best of luck and you know keep talking about it like it's okay to to feel the way you do uh try not to beat yourself up but like you know talk to people um you're not alone you're you're not crazy you're not you didn't do anything wrong you just got to get better at um you know defending your your choices. Yeah. Okay. All right. Thank you. All right. I noticed the 100.

Is that your 100th episode? Yeah, it's our 100th episode. Yay! Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. Well, thank you guys. All right.

Thank you guys so much. It helps a lot. All right. Take care. Bye. Yep. You guys too. Bye.

I like this call only because there's so many of us and guys are like that too i mean i've had guy friends be cheated on by girls and you like uh they hate start hating women or not thinking and not trusting women and yeah it's uh it's tough you see it probably more with you know i think men i don't know do i wonder have there been studies that do men or women cheat more i don't know i'd curious. That's probably pretty even. But yeah, I don't. It's so nuanced, trusting ourselves and the comparison between like, you know, finding ourselves with people who are cheaters or liars.

Yeah. And then turning someone else's bad actions against ourselves and start getting mad at yourself for that. It's so sad. Well, I mean, my guess is the reason she is doing that or we do that is because listen, it's not her fault what happened here,

but her inability. I mean, she said she's been cheating on her before. Like she is struggling with defending kind of her own convictions and she's not before like yeah she is struggling with defending uh kind of her own convictions and she's lacking the confidence and the things that she knows is right about the things that she wants and um you know it's like our last caller like sometimes predators are good at seeking yeah the type of prey you know we've we've had this other, various situations, like it's, I don't know, biology.

You know, people, you know, you prey on the weak, so to speak. And I'm not calling her weak, but like if you know that you are, if someone senses you struggle with doing this, they'll take advantage of it. And so we just have to get better at, you know, again, sometimes it's fighting against our ego too.

I mean, when I was in that situation, you just didn't want to admit to yourself this could happen. You kind of go along with it. It's a snowball effect. So it's just really those, it's always those very pivotal moments. So like, we've all been there. We've all been in situations where this feels wrong.

And I find myself letting this other person convince me because uh if i'm right about this being wrong that's that's creating like what does that mean right because usually it's like oh they're cheating on me or this is everything's gonna be blown up everything's gonna blow up so we just yeah let that other person convince us of something and then it becomes this kind of fucked up situation and that will we do that over and over we will question our ability to trust ourselves yeah how's it going it's good it's good what's your name crystal hi 34. How can we help? So, I have been married for seven years and with my husband for 10. And I have not had an orgasm in our entire marriage, but before we were married, I did.

The last time I had one was on our honeymoon. With him. On your honeymoon. Say again? I was on her honeymoon. With him. On your honeymoon. Say again? I was just repeating you. She just, yeah. She's projecting. All right.

You had an orgasm on your honeymoon. So technically you've had one orgasm. Okay. Technically, yeah. But that was seven years ago, Nick. No, I get it. So obviously this is troublesome for you. Yeah.

How often are you having sex? Sorry? How often are you having sex? How often? So we have two kids now. So at least twice. It's gotten less over time, which i think is probably normal at this point the last time we had sex was right before christmas okay um actually we were back where we were for our honeymoon believe it or not no orgasm though but i i'd say like six to twelve times a year okay i mean at least yeah it's better than that one caller we had where she wasn't getting any any sex but to 12 times a year. Okay.

At least, yeah, it's better than that one caller we had where she wasn't getting any sex. Oh my God. I have so much to say about that, yeah. But yeah, it is better than that. Well, let's focus on you right now. Yeah. So this is about you.

So, I mean, you said before we started talking, he knows that you're calling, I mean, you, you said before we started talking, he, he's, he knows that you're, you're calling in, uh, minus that, have you had conversations with him over these years about, um, this problem? So many. So I was going to say, um, our relationship in terms of communication is like beyond. I mean, we... Beyond good? It's good. Yeah, it's really good. So everything that I'm saying to you, we've talked about it before.

We've been to multiple therapists. We've been to a therapist. We've gone to therapy on our own, marriage counseling. And it's just not... What do they say? Like, yeah, we're... She can't even come on her own. Oh, so...

No, not even on my own. This is... And I obviously could before, and we've had a really... So communication, everything about our relationship has always been amazing. We've been able to communicate really well since day one. But this has been the sticking point even before we were married.

And I think I was young. I was 24 when we met. And I thought this is what I'm supposed to be doing. And this is getting married and having kids and all this. And this was an issue like even four months into our relationship. But we just kind of everything else has always been so great. We just kind of pushed this very important issue to the back burner. And at this point, I'm like going out of my mind.

I've not thought about it for a long time, but our youngest is a year and a half now. And I'm just like, i can't ignore this anymore and you wrote in your email that you're thinking about like other people like the thought of other people excites you and that was my next question yeah oh yeah it does and i mean even my husband even knows that um you know like cheating is a total fantasy for me um i have not and i don't think i would but so you say you haven't you can't come on your own like so do you i mean do you masturbate and you don't climax yeah so for a long time i didn't even just because it was like, why, why bother, you know, also like having little kids and all that. Um, but lately I have, so lately, um, I have suddenly had a libido again, which was kind of like through all the years and all the like sort of drama between my husband and I with

this, just kind of like just getting through everything. But lately my libido has come back, I'd say in the last month and a half. So I have been a ton actually, but still nothing. And it's you can imagine how discouraging that is like, and, and I will say like, this has been going on for a long time. But I did start an antidepressant that is known to cause anorgasmia. But they were like, well, since you already have that, like, who cares? And now i'm on another one that's counteracting that so that's i think why i have a libido again but um i've had but see the thing is like how long you've been on this medication that one of the side effects is not having an orgasm like four years okay so when i tell people that though they always hone in on that like oh that must be why but i've been it's been seven years. It was before that, you know? Um, so it's been,

it's just really discouraging. Yeah. I mean, I'm, I'm sorry. I don't want to, um, you know, I mean, you, you've talked to sex therapists, you've talked to therapists. Um, I mean, I could just make a bunch of guesses i'm obviously not a sex therapist or a therapist or a sex expert um i mean like there's there's a lot of scenarios but like you like you said you've kind of covered your basis of bases bases um of all the questions i would ask about you know listen maybe you're just like you're fantasizing, you're in your head about these other guys. But the fact that you can't seem to even, if you were to say watch porn or porn that you're attracted to or fantasize about a guy that you find sexy and you kind of get the best sex toy on the market and it's still nothing, then I don't know. Do you have a good sex toy? Yeah. do you have a good sex toy yeah do you have a good sex toy um yeah so i did just get a new one but um very promising um so i've heard

i've heard there's some i can try we can get some recommendations maybe rochelle already has one but i've heard there's some ones out there where it's, uh, yeah. Um, at this point, I wonder if I'm just so in my head that let me see if I can't like, there's so much, there's so much to it. Yeah. Uh, who was it that was showing us that? Oh, the lady gang, the lady gang. But no, there was, uh, I can't uh i can't find it right now but um yes so so wait have you used other sex toys or you just got one i just got one i mean i wasn't for the first time until recently okay well try that um ask some of your your female friends, your girlfriends. Sex with Emily, she was on our podcast. She's big into sex toys.

She probably has some nice recommendations for you. Okay. Yeah, I would try all these other things. I mean, because there's a couple like scenarios here. One, we just need to get you to orgasm, right? That's step one. Because regardless of your you know, your husband or in your head or something, that's the first thing. Because it, you know, after that, who knows, right? Because the fact that you are thinking about other guys and having fantasies, I mean,

whatever. It's not fun to hear if he's your husband. You seem like you're a very upfront and honest person. You guys communicate like we all get things in our head and we all fantasize. It's literally, it's why it's called a fantasy. Um, but that's not even doing the trick at this point. So I'm just curious about, you know, and who knows, maybe it's just a combination of all these things, stress, um, a fantasy about other guys, uh, now with the medication, maybe that's not the culprit, but it's probably not helping. Right? Yeah, sure, you're right.

I don't know what your doctors are saying or why you're on this medication. I'm not here to tell you whether you should or shouldn't be taking something you might need. But those are all scenarios. And as far as your husband goes, I mean, it sounds like you're lucky to have a pretty understanding husband who is, it sounds the way you're describing it, a lot of guys could handle this much worse. Not that it would make it okay, but he seems to, I mean, does he get defensive? I mean, it must, this must, I mean, I'm curious, how much does he care? You know? Well, that's, so that's another thing. Like recently, when my libido has come back, I want to say it was probably a month ago, I told him like, hey, you know, I'm super horny, which has not been a sentence I've said or even felt in a long, long time. And he like. Couldn't have given two shits, it seemed like, and he's been even more distant since then.

And it's like we can talk about it like we're talking about it now, but there's like there's no follow through. And then I feel there have been multiple scenarios throughout our relationship where I've been super vulnerable about sex. And I think I'm more adventurous sexually than he is. And it makes him nervous. And he kind of doesn't respond well to something that I really enjoyed. So I just feel like, okay. So, like, the secondary issue is, like, are we just sexually not compatible despite everything else being so great? Like, is this not going to work out because of that? issue is like are we just sexually not compatible despite everything else being so great like is

this not going to work out because of that when you say you're into something that he doesn't enjoy what what do you can you give us detail so like we did role playing gosh this is probably six years ago now that that we did this and i loved it and he was super uncomfortable because he was like it was like you were having sex with somebody else. And I was like, but I wasn't, I was having sex with you. It was just a fantasy, but like you couldn't get up, get beyond it. And we actually talked about this recently and he said, well, now I'm in a different place. But for me, it's like, I don't feel safe to, I can imagine myself doing the things I fantasize about with other people. But as soon as I imagine

the actual person in front of me I shut down because I don't feel safe going there with him you know we can talk about it all day long but I don't feel like I feel the same sexually toward him this frustration that I felt early

early on and now it's been 10 years and everything else is great, except this, but this is a really big thing. And I just, and I said to him, like, this could, this could make our relationship implode. And he was like, yeah, it could. Well, I mean, having limited information and not being expert, like I said, I think, you know, get the sex toys, keep talking to professionals, try to look into your ability to orgasm. Like that's, I really have no expertise in that other than saying, get some sex toys and talk to therapists.

And as far as your relationship goes, I mean, yeah, I mean, i'm getting the sense that from a big picture standpoint uh your your sexual prowess is a little bit more experimental than his um and he you know no one's right or no one's wrong in this situation as far as you and your husband goes he's just you're he's a little bit more conservative and you're you're not i appreciate from your husband's standpoint knowing that you're you're struggling here you're having these I appreciate from your husband's standpoint, knowing that you're struggling here, you're having these fantasies and his reluctance to role play because he's almost like he knows almost too much. So he probably sees you go at a different place and he probably feels like, well, man, at this point, you might as well just fuck another guy because I don't even feel like I'm here. I can appreciate that. I can appreciate what that might feel like in the moment,

especially if he's not into it. At the same time, I understand that things can get ordinary and repetitive and redundant, and you like to explore different things, and you like to be adventurous, and you want to have a partner who's willing to be adventurous with you. And instead of making you feel judged for wanting to be adventurous, he,

you know, he's, you know, helping you and you guys are doing it together and you're sharing this kind of adventurous sexual relationship. And that's the thing you, you guys might, it might just be a compatibility issue when it comes to that.

And the reality is, is you just guys have some tough choices to make uh is he willing to go there are you willing not to uh you know sometimes you know couples are faced with these tough choices there's no right answer here i mean i can't tell you what to do other than like um you are on the i think you are on the you're not wrong to consider the fact that you might not be sexually compatible um you guys are still both pretty young if he's not wrong to consider the fact that you might not be sexually compatible. You guys are still both pretty young. If he's not willing to do that and that's what you need, then I don't know.

It's going to be tough. At the same time, it sounds like he's everything else. Hard to find people who are so communicative as you say he's open to being. You are in a marriage. He's the father of your kids. And it's a tough position to be in. But before you jump into those things, I would try to address the more physical aspect of your struggles from a biological standpoint and try to resolve that first because you, you never know.

Cause it's safe to say that right now you're very much in your head about all this and it's just a lot going on and you're, you're overly stressed out and it's kind of in the snowball effect and maybe you've committed, committed, communicated too much with him in a sense, you know? Oh man, I never thought about it that way.

Yeah. That's always been such a thing communication it's so important but like yeah maybe it's like it is but when you start telling him you can't make me calm and i'm thinking about other guys and then you're like can we role play you know like then that's he's gonna struggle a little bit there he's gonna be like i mean like i don't know you just want to go fuck another dude save me the time uh you know i mean it's you know we've been there like we've all been hooking up with someone where you're like, are you even in this room? You know? And what are you thinking about? And that's a,

that's not a great feeling for anyone to feel guy or girl. Um, so I appreciate where he's coming from and it's, it's just a, it's a tough situation, but try to have an orgasm first, and then maybe you'll feel a little bit less stressed and go there. But it's a tough situation. I wish I had a better answer for you. Yeah. Honestly, there were a few things that you said that I hadn't really thought about, like maybe overcommunication. That's never what you hear, right, in relationship advice? Usually not, but sometimes people can over communicate.

Sometimes, you know, you don't need to hear everything. Yeah, yeah. So you said he found out, you wrote us the email and then how did he respond when he found out? He was like, yeah, I saw you got an email i didn't read it out of your respect for your privacy but i saw the subject line which said i haven't had an orgasm in my entire marriage and then um he saw your response and he was like i don't think your face should be on YouTube but I'll leave that up to you. It's not going to be.

I still was like oh my god I can't believe that he saw it. He has my email on his phone which I totally forgot and it's been like I just like what do I have to hide? Nothing. But then this time I was like oh man I should have anyway. Was his feelings hurt? He's cool about it.

Oh, cool. Okay. Well, he's cool about it, but his feelings are also hurt. I mean, yeah, listen, I mean, I can only imagine what he's processing. Yeah. You know, sometimes when we feel like we're stuck in a problem that we have no control or ability to solve, we kind of give up. I don't know. I mean, yeah, when you said your libido's back and he didn't respond the way you hoped he did, that's not ideal.

But who knows about after so long, maybe he's just frustrated. I don't know. I mean, it's a tough situation to that you're both in and i i feel for both of you um but uh yeah i mean try to get there seem to be a lot of great sex toys out there for women that i hear my friends really really go nuts about um so try that maybe if that works and invite that friend into the bedroom and you know he does need to try to work with you here like i mean if he wants to stay married to you you know he's got to fight too you know you know the whole like you get married to make a commitment some people get divorced but

like regardless every marriage has its major challenges and major down, you know, months and years. So he is still, despite maybe feeling a certain way about this, he's going to have to step up too. You're going to have to step up. You're both going to have to fight through this if you want to stay married. I mean, you're going to have to, you know, get through these hard times. So he's going to have to, you know, when you give up or he gives up or one of you gives up, it's kind of over. And you're going through the motions. I don't think we're there yet.

We're not there yet. But yeah, I definitely think an orgasm would be, that probably would help so much. First order of business. Get that sex toy. Hope it works. And say, hey, listen, I don't want to bring another guy into the the relationship but i do want to bring this little friend and have some fun with it he needs to try to have some fun with that he needs to have some fun i mean you guys do like he needs to try to not like to incorporate some um creativeness i mean i don't know like i'm not every guy but i would

think that he would want to have some variety and excitement in his sex life too. But who knows? I guess I can't speak for all guys, but I'd want to mix it up. But hey, that's just me. I think he must, but we just haven't had the healthiest sex life in this respect. So, you know, it's like the one area that's a little bit of a question mark for me about my husband. Yeah. You know, it's like the one area that's a little bit of a question mark for me about my husband. Yeah. You know, so, okay.

So orgasm, don't communicate too much. I invite all our listeners, for our women listeners out there, send in your best sex toys. Please. And we will crowdsource for you. I'm sure we'll get a lot of feedback. Sure. But in our Lady Gang episode on Wednesday, they give their advice.

They have a sex toy recommendation. Yes. Which they stand by. Yeah. It has some kind of suction thing on the end. Oh. All right. Has he tried to perform oral sex on you

say that again does has he attempted to perform oral sex on you oh well yeah um i think yeah so the last time we had sex i did it doesn't happen as often as it used to I think he's more or less given up he's more or less given up I mean yeah that mixed with having two kids and

everything has to be a cookie anyway and yeah and often when we have opportunities we kind of of were just like, Oh, well, we need to work on the yard or work on the house or whatever, you know. There's another yard that needs some work. Yeah. Seriously. All right. Well, on that note, thanks for calling. I wish we had more clarity clarity but sometimes we don't have

answers for everything but it's a tough situation and you guys just have to at the end of the day you have to figure out

whether you're both willing to work on this or not yeah I think it was more helpful than you're giving yourself credit for

I appreciate it a lot aww alright well thanks have a great day you're welcome alright take care you alright take care

you too take care guys alright bye bye bye yeah I don't know relax the female orgasm is a mystery

it is much more simpler for the men out there not that they don't have their struggles sometimes but it's a lot far less nuanced

it seems like yeah yeah I don't know alright how's it going? Going good. How about you? Good. What's your name? Yeah. So I'm Megan. How old are you, Megan? I'm 28 years old. How can we help you, Megan, 28? Yeah. So I guess I'll kind of start by giving a little bit of background. So I've recently been divorced after I was married for three years with this person for six years and recently divorced last year around September.

So since then, I have been dating one guy in particular who is a good bit older than me. I've never dated anyone this much older than me. He's 39, so 11 years older. And there's just been a lot of differences in the relationship, anything ranging from just differences in, I mean, the sex life is different. Things just seem to be different. And I don't know if it is within the relationship, if it has something to do with the age. Is he the first guy you've dated since your divorce? It is, yes.

All right. So he's there and he's the first person you've been dating since your divorce. That's correct. Is he the first person you've dated dating since your divorce? That's correct. Is he the first person you've dated in six years, other than your ex-husband? It is, yes. What's different about the sex? It doesn't seem that he has, I guess you could say, as much of a draw. Okay.

you could say as much of a draw okay um it doesn't seem i guess as interested in it as anyone else i've ever dated um around my age or close to my age um so i guess you could say the drought's not really there um what else the i mean what else about the physical ability, I would say, is not really there for him. It's the best way to describe it. He can't get it up. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that would be the best way to describe it. It just kind of feels like the drive's not there, and when it is there, it's not as – yeah, I mean, I guess the best way to put it is he can't really keep it up.

And what else? I mean, you said sex is one part, but what else is different? Yeah, and then another thing in the relationship that I've questioned, and this is kind of outside, I don't think has anything to do with his age or anything like that. He has a lot of female friendships and by female, very close female friendships. These are women that he talks to on a daily basis, women he, you know, spends time with their children. He does weekend trips with them. So very close female friendships. And I guess my question is, or what I'm struggling with is, where is the boundaries with female friendships?

You know, what is okay and what's not when it comes to female friendships? Because that's not something I dealt with in my previous relationship. So I don't really know if I'm just being, I guess, jealous or if there should be boundaries set within the relationship. How long has he been single? He has actually been single for quite some time. I want to say his last relationship was maybe two to three years ago. And he's only had maybe one to two serious relationships. And like I said, he is, he has 39. Yeah. I mean, that would make, that would have been my guess. What else? Anything

else? No, that's really the only concerns are those two things. Well, listen, I mean, the fact that like, as guys get older, it's different for every guy, but some guys their testosterone levels drop, and as a result their sex drive can drop and their ability to be aroused can diminish. Every guy is different. I don't know if that's the case with him. I mean, you haven't known him earlier. He could have been this way when he was younger.

It doesn't mean all of a sudden he's this certain way. He could have been this way when he was 29. There's a lot of guys who are that age who have no problem. Listen, as you get older, you're not 22 anymore, and you're not trying to have sex all night long. It's not like you're four times in a windmill it's like you know two's good you know it's fine um so i don't have a clear answer for you you know that's the the point is this is who he is in terms of his sex drive and um if it's an issue for you it's fair for you to try to

maybe ask some questions i mean it's going to be sensitive right you haven't been dating that long so like uh maybe now is not the time to dive into that but it's it's very nuanced because if he's not bothered by it because like some guys will will on their own realize that man i'm just not as i'm having a hard time here i'm just not as uh into it and they they can they go to the doctors and you know they there's things that you can try to do to improve it um has has he expressed a concern on his end that does he get defensive? Does it come up or does he act as if this is business as usual? Yeah.

So I guess that that's also a little bit of my question is kind of how to approach that topic with guys without it sounding, you know, without offending him or without sounding. Yeah, just basically how to really approach it without offending him. How long have you been dating for? We've been talking for about, at this point, about four months. Okay. So pretty early.

Honestly, I... You know, I... Have you... Are you guys, did you define the relationship? Is he your boyfriend? Are you in a monogamous relationship with him? You are. Okay. Well, you know, the fact that you're in a monogamous relationship, I think at that point you can start asking, you know, questions.

If, if you guys are going to commit to each other, you're going to define the relationship. You're going to, you know, like I'm assuming your point of being in a monogamous, monogamous relationship with them is the hope that maybe this can turn in something forever, right? I mean, do you guys talk about that? Do you still want to get married? Yes, eventually. Not right now. But just in general, like, you know, you still hope to meet someone. And does he? Does he agree with? Does he share that interest? Okay. So the only reason you guys are in this monogamous relationship is to see if it can continue to go somewhere. You must see potential

and want to go somewhere. So if you guys are going to define the relationship, then that's the point where it's fair to start asking questions about whether this is in fact what you think it might be. And that is a forever relationship, you know? I mean, unless you're just kind of in a monogamous relationship with him because you like him enough to have sex with them and you don't want to feel like you don't want to have like a higher risk sex with sex with other people. But other than that, I'm assuming that's,

you know, so I guess to start, you know, how you ask it. I mean, I think don't make it about his age, right? You know, ask, just ask him, you know, like, have you, you know, I, I'm, I'm used to like

having more sex and ask him about like, is this normal for you? And try to just not make it feel, maybe that's not even a great way to ask it, but try not to put him on the spot. Just ask him like how often he likes having sex. Would you like, is it me? Or not me, is it me like not having sex? But have you said to him, does he even know that you want to have more sex? I guess is my question.

No, no. I really hadn't brought it up to him yet. So start there. You know, make it seem like maybe just kind of like, hey, I want to have more sex. Make him like say to you why he might not want to. Right. Cause like, like trying to avoid conflict, like maybe he might respond in a way that it would surprise you when you mentioned that you, you want to have more sex. Right. Uh, if he responds in a way that suggests like, I don't really want to, then the next question would be something along the lines of, is this kind of how you are now? Have you always been this way?

You know, and like, are you just not like, have you ever, have you ever had more sex in your life? Like, have you ever been in a relationship where sex was happening more frequently? See what he says there. Right. Right. Right. And then eventually you're going to maybe have to have a tougher conversation of, well, I kind of want to have more. And then maybe the age thing comes up, you know, but try to, try to find out, try to get to know him a little bit better because you don't have the answer to some of these questions. You don't know how he was when he was

in his twenties. You don't know if his sex drive has diminished or you know if this has always been so you don't know so you gotta you gotta find those things out first um because there could be any answer as far as the uh okay as far as the uh girlfriends um it's not surprising to me that he has these relationships he's been single for for most of his life. He's had a relationship a few years ago. But, you know, as a single person, you develop different types of relationships and companionship in different ways. And so he has these women in his life that, listen, if he wanted to have sex with them and he wanted to be in romantic relationships, he probably would be.

Unless you're finding out that like he's tried and they like said no and he's decided to be their friendship. But I'm guessing that's not the case. I feel like more people when they're younger do that. But I feel like most people in their 30s like just don't have the time to do that. My guess is he probably is just just friends with these women um and he's developed these relationship as you know to have those types of connections he hasn't gotten in a romantic relationship if he wanted to date him he could have yeah it's so it's it's nuanced there so like you know i'm always a big believer when you have friends of the opposite sex opposite opposite sex i can't talk right now. You need to become friends with them. So

a big red flag would be you try to become friends with these women. They're not receptive to being friends with you. That would be a red flag. If they are truly his friends, they should be just as friendly to you as his guy friends might be. Listen, they might think you're a bad girlfriend and they might not like you and that's why they are mean to you. But like, yeah, that's kind of a weird response. So they should try to do that. And then, yeah, you have every right if certain things are bothering you to at least talk to them about it.

Ask them. I'm not used to this. You know, I want to understand. I'm prone to be insecure about this, but i don't want to jump to conclusions uh help me understand i would oh she's just your friend great i want to get i want to be friends with your friends just like if it were a guy and he should want to like it's it's on him to make this can you know to bring these people together he's the middleman here. So like, yeah, certainly it's on his friends to be welcoming, but he needs to let, you know,

if it were me, right. And if I had a, if I was, I met a girl and I was, I wanted to be her, I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I saw potential with her. In the meantime, I had all these other female friends that I was hanging out with and maybe even going on trips. I would go to them and say, I really liked this person. I think she has a lot of potential. I want you to make her feel like a part of this group. She matters to me. And that's on him to do that. It's his responsibility. And so that would be a sign for you to see like how serious he is about this relationship, you know? And so does that make sense? So it's kind of more about his actions and how he treats it you have a right to feel a little uncomfortable with it but you just have to communicate and

figure out what his point of view is it's just it's just different um and i don't think his age has that much to do with it yeah because this could be you know this happens with people in their late 20s and early 30s as well yeah and i think what i have been uncomfortable with is um it's not so much the female friendships but more so just kind of how he acts in those friendships like the overnight trips where they would stay in hotels together and things like that that's's a little weird. That's weird. Yeah. Yeah. You can say you're not okay with that. Yeah, you have a right. And that's the thing. It's not necessarily that he was doing anything wrong as a single guy, but when you're single,

you have more freedom than you do in a committed relationship. Yeah. Like relationships include sacrifice. Like you have to sometimes be willing to give up and do things you don't want to do. And you have the right be willing to give up and do things you don't want to do and you have the right to to say that bothers me and he has the right to try to explain it and maybe say hey and try to convince you it's okay but as we've talked about with some of our other callers like you need to be able to stand your ground of what you're okay with and and and what you're not and not be made to feel guilty about thinking something is okay that you're not comfortable

with. You do have to set some boundaries, but more importantly, how he needs to bring you into this friendship. If it's truly a friendship, he should have no problem bringing you into this friend group in this dynamic. As soon as he starts having separation and keeping you, if you feel like he's keeping you outside of that circle, that's a huge red flag. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

So that's, I think the bigger thing, the, the sex stuff, I mean, find out the other, the friend stuff first and the sex stuff. I think that'll work itself out yeah all right yeah thank you thank you nick all right my pleasure well thanks for calling

thank you for uh best of luck all right all right thanks guys take care well another great episode yeah for number 100 big takeaway here i think a little bit for all our callers is uh there's such a big difference between um you know being the understanding partner yeah um questioning like you know we when we when we date and we're going to meet different people especially if we have been in a relationship for a long time, when we start dating again or dating other people, we're going to introduce ourselves to different ways of doing it. And that's great that we are open-minded to learning about different ways because how you've done it before isn't necessarily how you're going to want to do in the future or the right way. At the same time, there is a difference between being open-minded and going against your convictions and what you think is okay for you and what is healthy and not being convinced that you're doing something wrong when you're not and knowing the difference.

And I think that's something we all struggle with and that we heard with a lot of our callers struggle with. And so that's really important to know the difference and pay attention to those kind of signals and our partner's actions and not be made to feel guilty about things that we aren't guilty. And listen, we talked like Mad, we talked to like Maddie and on Peter's season,

like there's always this big debate. Like there's nothing wrong with Madison having the beliefs that she has. Even though the show saying it's okay, all the other seasons before say it's okay. She was like, it's not okay for me.

And that's fine. Yeah. You know, and I don't like the whole ultimate, like the way that people are saying, well, it's not okay that she gave him an ultimatum. It's just, those are her beliefs. And she, whether the way that people are saying, well, she, it's not the okay that she gave him an ultimatum. It's just,

those are her beliefs. And she, whether you agree with them or not, she did it in an eloquent way, eloquent way that wasn't judging Peter or anything like that. She has the right to believe how she feels. Yeah. And then she can decide whether she wants to remove herself or not.

Yeah. And that's fine. And that's what we all need to do. And sometimes we just have to stand up for what we believe in and be open to learning new ways of thinking. And then get out when it's not good. Knowing the difference. But it's easier said than done.

But I think that's a big takeaway for today. Congratulations, Nick. Congratulations to you as well. Thanks for listening. nick uh congratulations is to you as well thanks for listening congratulations to you the listeners for putting up with me uh but as we said on the top of the show we really appreciate you guys listening it means a lot uh we couldn't do this without you we uh are hoping for bigger and better things for the show as we continue to grow and some more fun and exciting guests. Tune in tomorrow for the Lady Gang.

What a fun group of ladies they are. Wednesday. Oh, what? Wednesday. You're right. That's right. We got a Bachelor recap tomorrow. I can't keep up. It's fine. Other than that, anything else? No. Alright, well, see you tomorrow.