The Viall Files - E1007 Ask Nick - He Cheated at the Wedding

Starting point is 00:00:00 Well, say goodbye to sticky notes and calendar confusion with Skylight. The Skylight calendar is here to keep your family organized. This beautifully designed digital display syncs with your existing calendars, making it effortless to track events, appointments, reminders, in one easy-to-see place. I can't tell you, I have, Nick has his own schedule, and then I have our schedule. You know, so he has two schedules. And most of the time, he has no idea what's going on on my schedule, which is our schedule. But thanks to Skylight, I have put it in his own color.

Starting point is 00:00:25 He gets green. So now he knows what we're doing and what he has on his to-do. list. So I can do all my chores. So he can do all of his chores and not forget to make his bad. Skylight Calendar was designed to connect the digital and non-digital worlds while bringing families together. It's Wi-Fi connected. The digital display that showcases your family schedule with clarity, color, and brilliance in either a 10 or 15-inch HD touchscreen. I have to say it, it honestly looks amazing on your countertop. It doubles as decor. You'll be able to manage events, chores, and grocery lists while assigning colors for each of your family members and

Starting point is 00:00:55 eliminating excuses of not knowing what they needed to do. All the parents out there and you're neighborhood, if you have like a housewarming party or just a fun gift, a skylight calendar will save the day. They're absolutely going to love it. It makes every family's life easier. And even if you're a single out there, hell, before I, you know, found Natalie, I could have used a skylight calendar in my life. So right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15-inch calendar by going to skylightcal.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Go to skylightcal.com slash V-I-A-L-L for $30 off your 15-inch calendar, that is S-K-Y-L-G-H-T-C-A-L.com slash V-I-A-L-L-L.

Starting point is 00:01:32 You're crazy. How's it going? All right. Good morning. Hi, Nick. My name's Anna. I'm 38. And I have a mental block about giving my husband blow jobs.

Starting point is 00:01:56 Okay. What do I do? Well, you know, we'll see where there's... Probably more. I don't know. I mean, you know, I... It's not really my place to say what you should or should have them do. Put it this one.

Starting point is 00:02:10 Do you want to give him blowjobs? Listen, I want him to enjoy himself, of course. And we, like, I'll give a little background. We've been married a long time. We have, I think both of us would say, a pretty great sex life. Okay. But, and maybe it's just guys like to get the occasional blowjob, right? I think it's safe to say that both men and women enjoy some oral sex, receiving oral sex from time to time.

Starting point is 00:02:41 Not everyone, but, you know, it seems like it's a very popular thing in the sacks, so to speak. Sure, sure. For all genders. So I think, well, let's just acknowledge that. Well, and I'll say, like, within the realm of, like, we're having sex, we're being intimate, no problem, all for it. Like, if it's, if it's part of the whole grand scheme of we're having sex, foreplay, whatever that may be, then I'm great. Wait, wait, wait, you're telling me that when you and your husband are fooling around and being intimate, you don't mind giving him some head. Right.

Starting point is 00:03:20 So what exactly is the problem then? I, it's like I have a hang up if the idea is I'm approaching him and this is meant to be, this is just about you in this moment. I'm not looking for anything for myself. I'm just looking to get you off and that's it. And that's something he's told me he would like. Is this an idea that you want to do or you think he wants? Because I'll be honest, I don't know how many men out there are just like having their wives or girlfriend. or partners, like just in the middle of a football game going down on them while they kick

Starting point is 00:03:56 back, relax, and, and, and, right. I don't know. I don't, I think, I don't know if you're the only one who's, like, maybe not down for just having a dick in your mouth without, like, receiving some enjoyment on your end, too. Yeah, that's. Is he trying to convince you otherwise? No, convince me, no. Just say, hey, this is something I'd like.

Starting point is 00:04:20 This is something I would like. to do for me. And it's not something that's coming up a lot. Like on a birthday? Or just like on a Tuesday? Just a random Tuesday. And not even that often, even. And I'd say it's happened a handful of times in our 16 year marriage. And a little background to that too is that I've only had one sexual partner. It's him. And so our sex life from the beginning to now has grown a ton, obviously because I came into this sort of like a novice and figuring it out and figuring out what both of us like. And so, so yeah, like where our sex life is now is the best it's ever been, I'd say. That's great. And you feel confident that he feels the same way? I do. Yeah. He doesn't

Starting point is 00:05:09 bullshit. He will tell me how he feels. So I've reacted as like, I don't know. That just feels, I was like, I think I have a hang up about it being one-sided. Is it like? Is it like the principle of it? Well, first of all, listen, for married couples in general, I think it's great that married couples, especially they've been together for a long time, like, you know, are open-minded to making each other happy, you know, role-playing, you know, just like suggesting things they like and having their partner open to doing it, you know, in general. I'm having a bit of fun at your husband's expense. But like, if this is like, hey, this is kind of a fun fantasy, it would be kind of cool if you did this yada yada yada then yeah i don't think it's that big of a deal that he's

Starting point is 00:05:54 asking for this but i think it needs to be i think the clear thing is you need to feel comfortable that it's it's more that rather than like why doesn't my wife just give me blow jobs whenever i want right like as long as it's not okay it's not like you're afraid of giving blow jobs or it's like an ick for you in general right again in bed you're totally down to like you know for sure for sure yeah it's already part of our so is it like the principle of it for you or something i don't like what what's the i think it like it feels more like i'm just like i don't know that feels weird i don't want i don't know how to approach that maybe and it's kind of like well why yeah i guess it's two parts part of it is that i just feel kind of weird like and maybe it's a little bit of like he doesn't

Starting point is 00:06:39 want to do anything for like when does he want this to take place when does he want this to take you have do you guys i mean we also we have kids we have kids we have kids And so, like, we both have careers. Like, we're super busy. There's not a lot of time. And so it would be probably not even happen that often. But I think knowing that it could happen would be, you know, he'd be like, all right, great. That was great.

Starting point is 00:07:04 Do you think he would do that? What are your fantasies? Like, what are your requests? What are your fantasies? And so I think anything that I would ask him, he would do. And he has done that for me, right? It has been just about me. It's just, I have like a hangout.

Starting point is 00:07:20 Couldn't you give yourself a bit of like a warm-up round? Right. Maybe that's part of it. And I, as this has come up, probably over the last, I mean, maybe even five years of me knowing it's something he would like me to do. Me being kind of like, I don't know about that. But trying to be like, well, it's my husband and I love him. And obviously, if he's telling me that's what he wants me to do, then okay. I mean, listen, I don't know the mind of a woman, so to speak.

Starting point is 00:07:45 Listen, like anything else that I essentially talk about on this show, it's really just about your mindset and your perspective, right? Like, again, we're talking about sexual intimacy. So, you know, just disclaimer, want to make sure this is in your comfort level, something that you want to do, understanding that, like, you might not be excited about the blowjob aspect of this. But what you want is to reciprocate your husband's willingness to make it all about him when he's willing to make it all about you. at times and just like mix it up, you know, sexually. And yeah, there's a time and a place for a couple to like, you know, be intimate and in bed. And then, yeah, I think there's a level of spontaneity and a level of almost like sexualization of each other. Like it's like, you know, I think for married couples, like sometimes things become ordinary, mundane, routine. It's like

Starting point is 00:08:39 you're scheduling sex, you know, because you get kids and it's just like, you know, you're trying to figure out, let's just get it, you know, do it during the day because by nine, I'm just going to be tired. If it's a mental block for you, you know, how do you get over the mental block, right? And so, like, it's not, I don't want to give my husband the blow job. It's more about I want to what, like, for example, what turns him on about that? I would ask him that. Like, you guys should talk about that. What about that turns you on? And maybe he's just like, I don't know, it kind of feels a little, I don't slutty. Without sounding crude, maybe, maybe like, in the nicest possible way, objectifies you in a way that's like a safe space between you. I don't know

Starting point is 00:09:19 why he's into it, but maybe you communicate that and maybe in a mindset you can play that role of, so it's not just about you, right? Like, yeah, he might be getting the head and you might be giving it and like maybe in this moment, it's not about like necessarily you getting off, but how do you guys roleplay this scenario that makes it feel, I don't know, like a little bit of connecting, you know? So like, even if you're not, even if this moment's not all about you, how do you guys still connect, right? And ask them about, like, what about that turns you on? You can get excited about how you're making your husband feel. And that could be your focus rather than being like, uh, like, yeah. And again, like, I don't know, maybe even for men,

Starting point is 00:10:03 like, you know, I think for women, you know, what's the saying, you know, women like kind of you need to warm up the oven, so to speak, where I can go from zero one hundred. But I think as men get older and have kids and whatever and life, you know, is full of responsibility, even men are just like, they don't go from, like, being tired and having a long day to, like, having an instant erection.

Starting point is 00:10:25 You know, they're not 21 anymore. Right. If your husband were to make it all about you in a moment, he might want to, how does he mentally go there? He might need to mentally stimulate himself or physically stimulate himself. or physically stimulate himself to like amp him up right also like maybe you do some version of that and then you can go ahead and if it's all if it's all about him maybe you you start by yourself and you

Starting point is 00:10:49 finish by yourself i don't know like i don't think you can go back and well i'm going to congratulations something like that that's a helpful perspective i think yeah thinking of it like trying to get out of the headspace of like okay let me do this um yeah because then it just feels like a literal job. You're just like, all right, I guess so I get on my knees or like, uh, right. And you went from like washing some dishes to, you know. Exactly. There's so much, I think for women, at least I think this is accurate for most women. It's you get in your head and you need to feel like in your head space that you're like, I'm in this moment right now. And so yeah, just jumping right into that without a lot of like, oh, this is about me too and we're like having a moment, which not.

Starting point is 00:11:36 to say like we could obviously make out and stuff and then it could proceed to that um but i've kind of thought i think i the more i just like try i think it'll i'll get it out of my head more and it's come up before too about when i don't initiate as much he like just initiates sex in general he's like it makes i want to feel like you're physically attracted to me and i'm like i am you know so um these kind of things i think too make it feel like oh you want me because he he he definitely makes me feel that way. Yeah, and I think every couple wants that a little bit. I think, because I do, like, as we get older, and especially with kids, I think we always

Starting point is 00:12:15 want the other person to make the first move and turn us on. Right. And so, yeah, you guys just have to communicate how you guys can do that from time to time to each other. And if there's a moment we're like, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to fulfill a fantasy or desire of my husbands, like, yeah, it doesn't mean that you can't go. into a mindset where you're turned on. It doesn't have to be like literally smack dagger in the middle of an afternoon, squeezing

Starting point is 00:12:46 it in between, you know, taking out, you know, the garbage and, you know, going to the grocery store or whatever, you know, I don't know. It can feel for him very spontaneous and one-sided or, you know, if that's what he's into in that moment. But for you, it can be something that you're mentally warming up to. Yep, I think so. And I don't think I should expect for myself to, it sounds like, after talking to you too and like getting another perspective, that I should just be like spontaneously being like, oh, I really

Starting point is 00:13:17 want to do this as a mom and, you know, everyday life. Yeah, no. I mean, if it was like, yeah, reverse the role, you know, if it was like, hey, you wanted that. Yep. And you didn't have to worry about him. Yeah, he may need to like mentally warm up, you know, or physically warm up. Like, he also might want to, you also might want him to take a shower so he doesn't stink. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:13:40 Like, it doesn't have to be so literally spontaneous. It just has to feel spontaneous, you know, for the other person. Ask each other, what about that turns you on, you know? And create a safe space where, like, you know, I'm, and make him seem interested. Interested in like that it might turn you on to find out what turns him on, not like, well, I hang, hang, you know, like you do it not in a place of judgment or like, are you a freak? Why do you like that? You know, not that, right?

Starting point is 00:14:08 And so if you show an interest in what turns your partner on, that can also turn them on for you being interested and kind of excited to hear about what they're into, you know. So imagine, like, if your husband showed a curiosity and what turned you on and he asked, and he was like, oh, that's hot, that would make you feel good. So do that. Yeah. Just kind of mentally go there. Like, I don't know, maybe he wants you to play a certain role when you're doing this.

Starting point is 00:14:34 Maybe it's an opportunity to, like, be, you know, just a little, little, play a little pretend. Yeah, yeah. And when you're so many years in, of course, yeah, we, we don't want to become roommates. Put on a wig or something. I don't know. Like, play. Right. I don't know if you're into something like that.

Starting point is 00:14:50 Yeah. Yeah, I think we both, like, are giving so much of ourselves to, you know, family, jobs, all the things, all the time. And so you want to feel taking care of in a way. And so I think that's partially why I'm asking is, like, Okay, if this is something you want, then I obviously want to take care of him and I want to him to feel like I'm into him, all those things like in a marriage that you want to keep alive. So yeah, that's kind of what I'm here asking. Yeah. Like, is this something? How can I, how can I do this for him? I mean, do you feel like you're on the right path? I think so. Yeah, I think

Starting point is 00:15:26 this has helped. One, it's helped to just have another perspective. And two, yeah, just to hear that I shouldn't expect myself to spontaneously be like, it's go time. I've turned a to another person. Yeah. And that I can completely remove all of the, like, to-do list in my brain that I'm constantly running through. I think the big takeaway is, even though he is like, hey, in this moment,

Starting point is 00:15:47 I want to be all about me, you should still be able to enjoy this experience. So you have to figure out how you can mentally or physically enjoy this experience. He doesn't have to necessarily be part of that entire process. From his perspective, it can feel like all about him, but you can still enjoy the experience. And I think that's the big takeaway, where you felt like, well, like, it's not about me,

Starting point is 00:16:11 so I don't get to enjoy this. Well, that's no fun, right? And then that's not sustainable, like reverse roles. Like, just because you want in a moment that's all about you, it's not like you want him to hate it, right? You want him to enjoy making it all about you. So how does he get to enjoy that, right? Like, you know.

Starting point is 00:16:30 Yeah. I think, and I tend to overcomplicate it and overthink. think anything. I tend to overthink anything. And so it's not that complicated. Yeah. And it's just can be part of our sex life. And it's not, it doesn't have to be one-sided, like you're saying. Well, hopefully this was helpful. Yeah. It was helpful. Yeah. I was like, I don't know what great answers Nick will have, but talking it, talking it through. I felt like this was maybe a different question, too, from a long-time married person. Yeah, no. I imagine this will be hopefully helpful and insightful for people listening.

Starting point is 00:17:02 Hopefully. Would love an update. Yeah. Okay, great. All right. Well, thanks for the call. I appreciate it. Yeah, thank you so much.

Starting point is 00:17:10 You too. Have a fun weekend. Yeah, thanks. Yeah. Put it in practice. All my bread people out there, if you haven't checked out, Hero Bread, I promise you,

Starting point is 00:17:21 you are missing out. All your favorite recipes are covered with Hero Bread's sliced bread loaves, tortillas, bagels, dinner rolls, and more. Well, now you can try their new hero noodles, and I have to say River loves them. I'm always trying to figure out how I can give more protein and more nutrients to River. And sometimes, like, the mac and cheese just isn't cutting it. But River loves the hero noodles. They have more protein and 60% fewer calories than the best-selling noodles.

Starting point is 00:17:45 Now, the best part about hero bread is the bread tastes amazing. And it feels like homemade, fresh baked bread right out of the oven. Everything they have is delicious and it's easy to stock up. Delivered right to your door and makes the convenience of having having fresh bread easier than ever. Well, Hero Bread does small batch drops, and our favorite is the Hero Crescent. They have two grams of net carbs, and it's River's favorite breakfast. It's so delicious, and they typically have a very long wait list for this croissant because it is that good, so make sure to get on top of it.

Starting point is 00:18:16 My favorite thing about Hero Bread is their ultra-low-neck carbs, zero grams of sugar and high-end fiber without compromising taste and flavor. So you can keep enjoying your favorite breads, knowing that you're not having a lot of a ton of sugar in your body and enjoy all the breads that you love. Here, bread is offering 10% off your order. Go to hero.co and use code V-I-A-L at checkout. That's V-I-A-L at H-E-R-O.C-O. All right, ladies and boys out there, I need to talk to you about skims.

Starting point is 00:18:48 Finally, it's my turn to tell you how much I love skims, and I love them because their underwear is my go-to. First of all, I feel sexy in them. I'm just going to be honest. I look great. They feel great. Their fabrics that they use to make skims, boxer briefs are incredible. I always feel like when it comes to underwear, it was like, you know, you had to choose

Starting point is 00:19:06 underwear that like was comfortable and not too bunchy, but it wouldn't like last and it would break down or kind of get like too much heavy and kind of bunchy underwear, but not with skims. It's the best of both worlds. They come in a great selection of colors if you care about that. But more importantly, you feel supported, you look great. Your ladies will love you in it. And ladies, you will love your men in them.

Starting point is 00:19:26 If you're walking around the house and you see your guy wearing some grungy, white, whatever underwear, that's quite, let's be honest, not flattering to them. Upgrade their underwear today with skims. Everything that skims has, especially for men, is made with the highest of quality, the great fabrics. It feels great in it. You will look great as well. Shop skims, men's at skims.com. Let them know we sent you after you placed your order. Select podcast in the survey and select our show in the drop-down menu that follows.

Starting point is 00:19:56 Falls here. Kids are back in school. Vacations are over and it's officially time to start getting cozy, which means it's time to slide into some bombus. You know bombus. The most comfortable socks, slippers, and teas you could possibly find made from premium materials that actually make sense for this time of year. I have to say, I literally just ordered a pair of bomba slippers to the lake house because A, they're very comfortable. B, they are so chic. And C, they have very cute colors to pick from. Their shirt-aligned Sunday slippers to packing-friendly gripper slippers and even waterproof EVA Friday slides. And not just for getting cozy, Bombas has socks for every event and occasion. There's still weddings going on in the fall.

Starting point is 00:20:35 And if you are dressing up at all, make sure you are pairing your amazing outfit with some great Bombas socks. They also have the perfect loa for socks. If you're a loa for girl like I am, head over to Bombas to check out everything they're doing the best part. Every item you buy, Bombas donates one to someone experiencing homelessness. over 150 million items have been donated thanks to customers. Happiness guaranteed and with their happiness guarantee, if you're not 100% into what you got, they'll make it right. No risk, all reward.

Starting point is 00:20:59 Head over to bambas.com slash V-I-A-L and use code V-I-A-L for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S.com slash V-I-A-L. Check out. How's it going? Uh, going. Good. My name's Sarah. I'm 27. And my question is, what do I do about a friend that acted unfaithful? at our wedding. Your wedding. My wedding. Okay. Who's the friend? They came to your wedding and

Starting point is 00:21:26 hooked up with someone else at your wedding, but this friend is in a relationship, I'm guessing, something version of that? Yeah, essentially. Okay, so basically how this happened is one of our friends is engaged. His fiance was invited to the wedding, but she couldn't make it. And then he met another one of my friends who, like they never would have ever crossed past before. It's like a college friend versus high school friend on different sides. And I had no idea this was happening at the wedding. It's kind of a weird gray area. So that's partially why I'm looking for advice. I feel like if it was more clear, then I definitely would say something. But after we got back from the honeymoon, one of my girlfriends, the one that this happened with, reached out to me

Starting point is 00:22:15 and was sending me some voice memos because she just wanted to let me know in case I wanted to do something with this information and essentially they had been kind of flirting on the dance for he was kind of going up to her spinning her around putting his arm around her waist you know flirting i didn't notice i was like having the time of my life i'm not quitting yeah yeah i was like i don't care what anybody so how did you how did you hear about this so she reached out to me after we got back from like all of our vacations because she wanted to let me know she doesn't even know him. So, okay, I want to make sure I'm following along. So the friend, your friend who was unfaithful, is this, is this girl you're referring to? Um, no, sorry, my husband's friend is the one

Starting point is 00:23:02 that was unfaithful. Okay, so your husband friend, so guy was unfaith. All right. So, yeah. You have another friend and she found out that your husband's friend, a guy, we'll call him Jimmy. Jimmy came up to, to Mary. We'll call her Mary. and he was being flirtatious and fun and putting his hands in her hip and she just thought, hey, I met a cool guy at a wedding and she was having a good time.

Starting point is 00:23:29 Dust settles. She finds out this motherfucker's engaged, but his fiancee couldn't also come to the wedding. Right, but there's more that happened than just flirting on a dance floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Keep going. Okay, so then she's telling me the story

Starting point is 00:23:43 and she basically says, okay, the night's winding down. He's like, you want to go get a drink. They're out at the bar at the wedding. And then he asked her, well, what are you doing after? And she says, well, I'm staying at the hotel nearby. Like basically the hotel most of our guests are staying at. It's walking distance. I have some extra drink tickets if you want to come back and get a drink.

Starting point is 00:24:03 And so he says, yeah, sure. And again, like, Mary thinks that he's single. And we actually saw them walking back because, like, our suite was sort of, like, on the way. And we were, like, hanging out with friends. And I noticed, like, my intuition, I noticed. something a little bit weird, but I kind of was like, he's engaged, whatever, like, he can handle himself. Um, so she said when they left us and finished walking back to the hotel, he grabbed her hand, was holding her hand the entire way walking back. Um, and then they were at the hotel getting

Starting point is 00:24:36 drinks. And this is sort of where it ended. Like he, she saw a picture of a girl pop up on his phone, um, like as his screensaver. And she was like, do you have a girlfriend? like, are you in a relationship? What's going on? And he said, yes, I'm in a relationship. And she said, well, I don't think she'd be happy you're here with me right now. And he said, no, probably not. And then she said, you need to leave. And so she stopped it and basically kicked him out. But they didn't end up actually kissing or doing anything beyond holding hands and obviously acting inappropriate. So that was where I wasn't sure what to do. How good of a friend is this? I'm just got a curious. Not that that matters.

Starting point is 00:25:21 Phone maybe. I think it kind of matters. Not that good of a friend. Like not, we're not super close with him. I've met his fiance, but I mean, I don't have her phone number. If you were in her shoes, what would you want? I don't know. I was trying to think about that. It's hard to imagine because I don't think I would be in those shoes. You know, I'm not saying you're, but.

Starting point is 00:25:48 I know. I wouldn't take anything for granted all I'm saying you know I don't know I think it's hard like when you're engaged but at least for me it was like we're so set like we're going to get married and I trust him so completely that it's I think it would be I would be open to it if somebody had said it to me and I would be upset to hear it from somebody other than him but it would I don't think that like that's something we'd break up over yeah maybe not this on itself is it necessarily fireable offense, you know? Right. People have gotten through far more devastating acts of betrayal. My only point to you is, like, and I'm not trying to spook you or anything. For anyone

Starting point is 00:26:29 out there in general, I think it's careless for, I don't care who you are, how long you've been together, you know, for someone to say that would never happen. Yeah. Most people who are unfaithful don't say yeah I cheat yeah you know they get caught up in a moment a moments of weakness maybe alcohol involved maybe I don't who knows but like it's important I think and this is just unsolicited advice to you it's not about not you know I think you have to choose to trust I think it's important that you and your your husband have trust but never take for granted just how fragile a healthy connection can be right and language like that would never happen to us has a sense of like is if like you guys are destined for to never have that happen the reality is is if like years could

Starting point is 00:27:25 go by and if you act like something could never happen then you leave the door open for something to happen it's just it's a mindset you know again because you just you want to protect it you always want to make sure that you never take anything for granted in a relationship that's all I'm saying. Yeah. No, and I agree. And I think it's what's hard for me to imagine is, I mean, I know like things are going to happen in our lives, but it's hard for me to imagine that happening during the time period of being engaged because it's at least, I don't know, it's just like, well, again, I can also just assure you for, I would say most people who are cheated on don't say, I saw that coming. Sometimes, sometimes they're like, you know what, I probably

Starting point is 00:28:05 should have known sometimes there's a million red flags most of the time it's i can't believe you know it's it's the disgust that it happened anyway that's true back to your friend i get it yeah and this is not to be like oh we should always worry that we're going to cheat on each other it's just never take it for granted always be checking in with each other not to spy each other but to stay connected to to not give a shit i think especially women you know i think men and women are unfaithful for different reasons. But sometimes I feel like from my women friends or are you hearing about it, it's just like they feel like unseen, unheard, like they don't feel like that partner is paying attention to them enough and they want some attention. Just never say never. Always be diligent.

Starting point is 00:28:50 It's kind of good context for this call because I think like I am maybe looking at it from a little bit of a cocky perspective saying like, you know, I just can't imagine that happening to me. And so, no, I think it's good to think of a way to be more. Yeah, you definitely are. You're in your literal honeymoon phase of your marriage. Yeah. And it's exciting. And you shouldn't be like burden with like having doubt with your partner.

Starting point is 00:29:16 But yeah, like you're definitely like you remember being like 18 and 19. I made this comment about like the love island people. You have this like we're more in love than you're in love. You know, this kind of like love competition amongst friends. And when you're feeling really good about your connection, there's a little bit of cockiness. you have when you hear about other people and it says like well that would never happen to me i don't know this you know this relationship this girl you're not that you're not even that close with but this motherfucker was so cocky and so sloppy that he had no problem publicly flirting with

Starting point is 00:29:48 someone with just hundreds of witnesses a hundred witnesses 50 witnesses whatever you know like yeah like tons of people that know his fiance that's crazy i mean not her best friends but like plenty of people in like our community. And he had no problem doing it. Yeah. You know, just goes to show just how slop. I'm definitely feeling bad worse about it. So there's a couple of things that, you know, it's funny.

Starting point is 00:30:11 Without to get into too many details, we heard rumors Nali and I that something went down at our wedding with friends that we have that were dating. And we didn't spend a ton of time finding out because they were just rumors. And these friends ended up breaking up a couple months later anyway. We didn't know. And again, they were just like. like secondhand rumors so we didn't spend much because it was like you know what I don't know like the details of their relationship and how they go about things maybe they have an understanding maybe

Starting point is 00:30:39 they don't but like since this is just like third hand rumors we're not going to go be nosy about something that's honestly and has nothing to do with us and we're going to focus on our wedding and like the great wedding and great experience that we had if I would have witnessed something or known firsthand for sure so that something went down just honestly putting myself in your position, there's a little bit of conflict of, now this is a good friend of mine. This isn't a good friend of yours. I don't know. But like tainting your wedding, like your wedding happened. You had a great time. That's not going to change something. For this particular friend, it would have selfishly knowing that if I were to communicate what, like if I saw something happen and go down, that my wedding

Starting point is 00:31:25 would forever be a point of pain for this person would have bothered me. You know, if something really went and down, I would have probably, I would have told them, but I'd been like, oh, yeah, every time I bring up my wedding, he would be like, worst day of my life. Yeah. See, and this is somebody, I don't know if we're going to be friends within like 10 years or not. So I don't know if I care about that. What's your husband's relationship with her, him? Like, basically a high school friend who he's not super close.

Starting point is 00:31:55 with any more, but it's now known for a while. We don't live in the same place. I mean, probably not your problem. You definitely, I think you can definitely take the easy way out, and whether you should or shouldn't tell them, it is the easy way out. But, like, that doesn't mean it's the wrong decision. The fact that neither of you are that close with these people, for all you know, maybe they have an understanding.

Starting point is 00:32:15 They probably don't. Because you don't know this person that well, you would be making assumptions about their life and getting involved. So, yeah, for you to tell this person, you'd be reaching out to someone, like, that would probably be surprised at a call from you. Mm-hmm. They'd be surprised, yeah, that I had their number. And then it's like, yeah, I saw them flirting and blah, blah, you know, I don't know. I think it's hard because it's like, I feel like it'd be more clear cut for me if they had, like, kissed or something. It's hard because it's, like, basically calling somebody and saying your fiancé did so many things.

Starting point is 00:32:54 to make it look like he was about to cheat. And, I mean, there are things that they're like the rest of like for me. Assuming they have a relationship like most of us, a traditional monogamous relationship, he definitely emotionally cheated, I think, by anyone's standards. This is a tough one because it's a gray area. I don't think there's a clear right or wrong. And I think people listening might guarantee you if there's a person out there who found out eventually that this happened to them some version.

Starting point is 00:33:22 and everyone says I would have wanted to know. But the reality is, is you don't know her that well at all or their dynamic. Neither of you are that close with them. If you were to say, well, this is one of my husband's very close friends,

Starting point is 00:33:36 then I would have been like, he needs to talk to his buddy and been like, hold him accountable and say, hey, that wasn't cool, man. I don't want to get involved, but like,

Starting point is 00:33:46 I know this happened and like you need to tell her. Or like, I honestly, like, don't bring her around us because we don't want to, like, feel like we're hiding something. It's not our problem.

Starting point is 00:33:57 It's not our business. We don't want to get involved, but you need to deal with your shit. And until you do, I need, you know, like, I don't think we could be that close of friends. But, like, he's not that close of friends with this guy. So there's nothing really necessarily to say. And if you have to, like, get this girl's number to, like, give her a surprise call and then have, like, well, you know, it's, it's, I think it's, there's too much. you don't know or too, it's too vague of a, and then it becomes, then your, then your wedding

Starting point is 00:34:28 is a potential, like, it's a part of drama rather than, although I do think every great wedding has a little bit of drama. Yeah, I was like, oh, we didn't have any drama at the wedding, but I guess I have trauma after. Not that I want this on anyone, but, no, him and I were talking about that and basically saying, like, I was like, maybe you should reach out to him because I don't think she's going to want to hear it from me but he just was I mean if I told him you said it maybe he would do it but it's not his close enough friend I think yeah but what if we get invited to their wedding now

Starting point is 00:35:04 which we might don't go I don't know yeah maybe we just won't go no I felt like even a little bit guilty like it is one that I wanted to call in about because I really didn't know what to do but I almost feel like a little bit guilty of like calling in and like using something that might what if you I don't know be painful to her I don't know if this guy like highly active is on social but like from a finsta like a fake Instagram account you sent him like I know what you did last summer kind of message anonymously so it doesn't come from you where it's just like hey I was at this wedding I saw what happened I'm going to tell her basically getting him to hopefully tell her himself just make him think like there are people out there who know

Starting point is 00:35:47 who are planning on telling my fiance and he doesn't know who it's from or when it's just an idle threat it's just a but you keep yourself out of it you don't you know doesn't come from you and then you leave it like that and then maybe you can go forward with a clear content span I tried to I tried to push it forward

Starting point is 00:36:06 without getting myself involved maybe some version of that like I you know honestly it's not that it's not the worst idea no it's not a bad idea it just feels a little shady make you a fake account. But again, that's what you're not going to her.

Starting point is 00:36:21 You're going to him. I think going to her would be cruel because then it's like either tell her or don't tell her. You know, don't get in her head because, again, it could be, but you just, you make it seem like she's about to find out. You never tell her, but you somehow make him think that there's people or a person who was at the wedding, doesn't know it's a man or a woman or whatever. he's probably going to think it's your friend. Yeah. But I guess what do you think is like the right thing to do? What is your friend?

Starting point is 00:36:53 Yeah, that's a good question. What is your friend one? Have you talked with your friend who was? Oh, yeah. She was really nice about it. She felt so guilty and I was like, you literally did nothing wrong. You had no idea. But she was absolutely shocked.

Starting point is 00:37:05 She thought he just had a girlfriend. And when I said like, no, he's like engaged like the full nine yards. She was completely shocked. whether she wants this woman to know? I feel like the way she told me, it felt as if she was like, you should probably tell her. Yeah, I mean, if you do this whole anonymous thing,

Starting point is 00:37:25 he's going to think it's her. But maybe she does that thing. I don't think she would necessarily care. I think she kind of just thinks he's a dick now. So I don't think she's never going to see him again. If you're trying to look out for the ladies, I wouldn't go any further than messaging him and scaring him to think that like she's going

Starting point is 00:37:43 find out if he doesn't tell her so he better get ahead of it yeah you think that would be better than like just trying to go directly to her i don't know what's better or worse right because again there's too many variables we don't know and for all you know you they're probably not but maybe they have an understanding you know i don't know maybe she doesn't want to fucking know i don't know maybe she's already done some shit and maybe they have their own like relationship trauma i i don't know and since you don't know a lot, going to her with something that's kind of like, yeah, it's definitely wrong what he did, but like it's just kind of sticking your business in something that like, I just don't know if you need to attach your wedding and your special date and inserting yourself in drama. And that's why I don't think you should go to her and getting her head and getting her scared about something that maybe she doesn't know, scaring him and giving and trying to encourage him to come clean to his fiance, not know. knowing what this person, you or your friend, knows or doesn't know or what he's going to say or not say, it's just like, again, I know what you did last summer. Well, what did I do? Did I kill

Starting point is 00:38:50 someone? Did I not kill someone? Did I steal candy? You don't even say that. You're just like, I know what you did and your fiancee deserves to know. Yeah. Yeah. Tell her or we will. I know what you did at the wedding. Your fiance deserves to know. Tell her or we will is the message. Right. But then we actually won't. No, you don't. At that point, you're like, you've done as much as you should. And then you leave it in destiny's hands. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:23 It's a weird one. Or you leave it alone. I mean, again, like, you're, it's not your job to protect these people's relationships that you're not really, you don't really know. This would be for like looking out for the ladies. This is a nuanced thing. And like no one listening could say, even if like people listening, who are triggered by this conversation because they feel like they're her in this equation and

Starting point is 00:39:44 they would want to know. But whoever's listening doesn't know this person's story, doesn't know this person, doesn't know their personality, doesn't know if they would, you know, I don't know, she might not want to know. You know what I'm saying? Like, we don't know this person. So, like, you've got to be very careful to, like, decide for yourself what this person would want to know. Like, that's why it's just more, it's scaring him. He hopefully knows what his fiance would want and their relationship. And so you just make him feel to whatever. degree that he is feeling guilty or worried that she might find out and just, you know, and, you know, the person who cheats is always like, I don't want them to know and hoping it goes

Starting point is 00:40:20 away and hoping, you know, and you're letting him know that like, there's people out here who are going to know. And like, it's better to tell her now than, and for waiting for her to find out from us when it's worse. And he can control the narrative and yada, yada, yada. And I think that's as far as you go if you go there at all. Anywhere. I have a hard time imagining myself making Instagram but I almost like want my husband to like text that basically but it doesn't really matter but like listen like this is drama it's a little fun just be careful you're not getting wrapped up in the drama like is this really about protected the girlies or is it's this a you know is it's something to do on a Friday night because again once you send it you're done like once

Starting point is 00:41:03 you send it you will not get an answer you will not find out if you said anything most likely you know. I guess there's always like, you know, if he does decide to tell him to break up, you can, I don't know. But you have to assume that once you send it, that's it. There's no closure on your part. Which is fine. Yeah, totally. All right. All right. Okay. Well, let me know what you end up doing. Yeah, I will. I'm curious to see what my husband thinks. But I'm a huge biofiles fan. I'm a subscriber. So thanks for all the episodes. I appreciate it. Thanks for more exciting things become. But yeah, we appreciate all your support. I love it. I think Natalie needs her own podcast. So maybe that's the way. We're on the same page. And keep telling her. All right, well,

Starting point is 00:41:51 let me know. I'm curious what you guys decide. No, that sounds good. Maybe I could get my husband on the update. So. All right. Look forward to it. Thanks for the call. I appreciate you. Bye. Bye. I can count on one hand how many baby products that we will be repurchasing for every baby to come. I just put it at the lakehouse and it is Nana. Nanette is the number one most awarded smart baby monitor monitor, trusted by parents and experts. It's the baby monitor parents can't stop talking about. Nana is the smartest baby monitor on the market. It's tracking everything from your baby's breathing motion to their sleep quality, giving you key insights into their health and well-being. It's one of my favorite things because whether we're

Starting point is 00:42:29 traveling, whether we're gone with the babysitter, whether we're just downstairs and she's napping. You can hear her, you can see her. You can put it on as background noise. So even if you're on a phone call. If you're listening to music, if you're watching a show, whatever you're doing, you can still hear your baby through the Nannet monitor. They have crystal clear video from two-way audio. You can see and hear your baby from anywhere at any time. You can literally see them breathing. All you have to do is zoom in a little bit and you can just see them up and down, up and down. You can even talk to them. So sometimes if River's like struggling to fall asleep, we'll just talk to her. We'll just be like, hey. It really gives the parents the peace of mind

Starting point is 00:43:03 they're looking for. And for all the traveling parents out there, if you want a way to stay connected to your children while you're on the road. I can promise you the Nanit allows you to do that. Yeah, I even sometimes listen to River Nap on my runs. The closer you are with your children, the better. And Nanit certainly helps you do that. Provides parents with the personalized insight and smart notifications to understand their baby's development and needs like never before,

Starting point is 00:43:25 like telling you exactly how long your baby is slept for and predicting when their next nap should be. With sound, motion, cry, and cough detection, Nana tells you precisely when and why they're needed. Nana is truly the one baby item we cannot live without. And right now, Nana is offering 25% off just for our listeners. Get 25% off your first order with code baby 25. Go to nana.com and use code baby 25 to save.

Starting point is 00:43:48 That's n-anit.com with code baby 25. That first year in a new home can teach you quickly that home system and appliance breakdowns happen. And they're expensive. Homeowners often deal with at least one. And fixing something like an AC or water heater can cost thousands. American Home Shield can help protect your wallet from unexpected expenses when major systems and appliances break down. If they can't repair your covered item, they'll replace it no matter the age. For new homeowners especially, it's one of the simplest ways to keep your budget on track and your stress down.

Starting point is 00:44:22 Visit aHS.com slash vial files for 20% off any plan today and see promo details. That's a hs.com slash vial files for 20% off. See aHS.com slash contracts for coverage details, including service fees, limitations and exclusions. That first year in a new home can teach you quickly that home system and appliance breakdowns happen and they're expensive. Homeowners often deal with at least one and fixing something like an AC or water heater can cost thousands.

Starting point is 00:44:49 American Home Shield can help protect your wallet from unexpected expenses when major systems and appliances break down. If they can't repair your covered item, they'll replace it no matter the age. For new homeowners especially, it's one of the simplest ways to keep your budget on track and your stress down. Visit aHS.com slash vile files for 20% off any plan today and see promo details. That's aHS.com slash vial files for 20% off. See aHS.com slash contracts for coverage details, including service fees, limitations, and

Starting point is 00:45:20 exclusions. How's it going? Good. How are you? I am Nicole. I'm 33 and I want to know how to date as a micro-influencer. What are your challenges as a... microint like what what made you reach out and ask so i have felt like it's really hard to one know

Starting point is 00:45:43 people's intentions um i live in a little bit of a smaller town so while i don't have a huge following a lot of people know me in the area and i don't get a lot of dms i know you and natalie met via the dms but i have been on the dating apps and i meet people and it seems like as soon as they find out about my following, the vibe just changes and it's not always positive. And then if it is positive, I feel like sometimes it's not for the right reasons. Okay. Just tell me what some of the reactions are. It's interesting because with my following, I have about 35,000 followers. So like, it's a good amount, but it's not crazy. And I feel like people around here look at it like, oh my God, you're famous. And I'm like, no, no, no, that's not what this is.

Starting point is 00:46:32 But then it's like, oh, so like you get a bunch of free stuff. Like, would I, would you be willing to bring me to get that free stuff with you? Like, I want to go get the free meals you're getting. I want to go do this. And I'm like, the guys are asking for free meals? They'll like ask me if they would be able to go with me and do these things. And I'm like, do you want to get to know me or do you just want to reap the benefits of my page? How do you describe your job on these days?

Starting point is 00:46:57 So I have a full-time job too. So I don't necessarily lead with this. I'll usually say, you know, I work in tech or whatever. And then they'll be like, oh, what do you do in your spare time? And that's kind of when that separate conversation comes up. And how do you message that? So I don't call myself an influencer. It kind of gives me like, like, it.

Starting point is 00:47:18 So I'll just say I help promote small businesses in our area through my Instagram. Cool. And then they're like, how? Then you tell them? Yeah. And some of them are like, oh, my God, I follow your page or I've heard of you. and some of them just think it's really cool, but most of them just immediately think

Starting point is 00:47:36 it's like this stardom of sorts and it's very odd to me, I guess. I don't necessarily see it as a problem. I see it as a filter. I guess. I just feel like I'm 33 and it's like how much filtering can I do? I feel like my options are not,

Starting point is 00:47:54 like I have no options here. Are you in a small town or a big town? It's not super small. it's like there are little pockets in the area, but I've been on the dating apps last three years and haven't had the best luck. Even if people don't know me, it's still just awful. But yeah, well, I mean, it's the name of the game. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I think dating culture right now is a challenge for anyone out there. And I don't think, yeah, again, the dating apps, there's a lot of issues with them and everyone feels like they're struggling with it. Because again, I don't think

Starting point is 00:48:25 the apps are necessarily really meant to get people off the apps and, and connect. there are certainly success stories. It's like, you know, going on radio TV. You can meet someone. People got married. Kids have been born. Is it the best way to meet the love of your life? Not necessarily, but like, it's certainly a way to meet someone. I guess too. My question is like, how do you know that

Starting point is 00:48:46 someone's intentions are good? Like, did you DM Natalie or did she DM you? And if she DMed you, how were you like, oh, is she just reaching out to me because I was reality TV or? I mean, she DM me and certainly, yeah, when that happens there's always like there's a guard up and that's the thing it's just like i think there's a level of and you mentioned like you know the word influence it gives you the ick and i'm not saying but like there's a level of you just have to make sure you don't take yourself too seriously and

Starting point is 00:49:12 i'm sure your responses to be like oh i don't but like there's a there's a fine line between like having your guard up because people can be funny when they have a point of view about you that like anytime i met someone who found out i was on tv or knew i was on tv but tried to not know i I was on TV, they had a point of view, right? And so they'll project that point of view over time, right? And I had been on dates with people who over time made me uncomfortable because it was more like you could tell they were trying not to act weird and by doing so acted weird. And others like really made me feel like a normal person and didn't really care. And that's why I say I call it a filter, because if this is something you like and you do, to whatever degree you don't make

Starting point is 00:49:55 it a thing, if someone doesn't know how to handle being around you, they're not your. person. Again, is it weird to me that someone, I mean, it was like asked for free dinners. Yeah. I mean, it's not like their first reaction, but it's also, you know, like if I'm talking to someone and I decide I don't want to pursue them, I recently had a guy say, well, I never wanted to go out with you anyway because I looked at your page and you just seem like you're stuck up and conceded and all these things. I mean, yeah, but like that's just a guy you rejected who's mad. Yeah. Who's mad. And again, And, like, understand that's never fun to hear, but that, again, is a filter. Just like, that guy just revealed who he is.

Starting point is 00:50:36 If, you know, this is a petty person who, when triggered and emotionally upset, will react, try to hurt your feelings. So, like, if you had decided to date that person and make him your boyfriend, you might not break up with him, but maybe you did something to upset him. And now you know that this is the type of person who would want to hurt you, even if you accidentally hurt him in a relationship. No, that's definitely true. So it's just like a filter in that regard. And I think when we're dating, like, I know dating can be

Starting point is 00:51:04 frustrating. Dating is hard. It's hard to meet people. But like, you can't have a boat. You can't find something that is special and one of a kind and unique. And at the same time, also like every person you go on a date with or like most people you go on a date with. Because if most people you go on a date with, you like, and you're looking for reasons to like them, then that ceases to make them special. But again, it's a fine line. You have to, in dating, I think sometimes it's good to be picky, but some of us are too picky. Again, that's when we go back to, like, knowing the differences between pet peeves and non-negotiables, right? Like, we're spending too much time with focusing on, like, these little icks and things like that, rather than, like, how does this person treat me? How

Starting point is 00:51:50 comfortable do I feel with them? You know, how interested are they in my life? You know, like, the ideal person is someone who has a unique hobby or is passionate about what they do in life and work so that, like, when they find out about your extracurricular activities, there's a level of curiosity. Oh, that's really cool. Tell me more about that. Like, I know nothing about that world. Like, wow, 35,000 followers. That's a lot. That's really cool. Like, is, are you able to make some extra money with that? Like, is that ever get frustrating? Like, or is it a, just all like fun and gravy or like how'd you get into that like you know just someone who's just naturally curious about it rather than weird about it you have to like what you have to be mindful of

Starting point is 00:52:30 is to not project either other you know things that other men in the past have said about it or made you feel you have to make sure that you don't take yourself so seriously because what you are doing is unique and for all the people in your community go oh are you famous you're like no i'm not famous but like there is a level of self importance that comes with this thing that you're doing and I think often we want to you know we want to be self-aware enough to know that like hey I'm not that special but we also want to feel like the things that we do are unique and special and we want to be validated and feel important and I think sometimes we have a hard time striking that balance right and so you have to be careful

Starting point is 00:53:16 that when someone does show an interest or asks you questions or like or even maybe makes a joke. Oh, that's fun. Like maybe I can go along and enjoy this experience that you're like, you're not like, maybe there's fucking joking with you. Maybe there's having a sense of humor. And that could definitely be possible. Like I think because even like with friendships, people I feel like have kind of used me in the past.

Starting point is 00:53:41 I do have this guard up. And that's really hard to kind of put down. And I honestly wish guys would DM me. But what do you mean like a friend has used you? Like give me in a scenario. Like how do you? Like I've had friends with businesses that will basically like ask to like want to be my friend, asked to grab coffee.

Starting point is 00:53:59 And I'll be like, oh, this is fun, a new friend, whatever. And we'll get to know each other. And after a year and I'm sitting here like promoting their business on my page, they disappear. And they're like, bye. And it's like, oh, well, thanks for all the promotion. That's what I need to do for. And then they.

Starting point is 00:54:13 Yeah. I mean, there is that. which sucks but also I mean well I mean now you know like if if someone like reaches out to you and and pursues a friendship with you and you find out they're a small business owner and you and your side hustle is to promote small businesses then that's a red you know immediately your guard should go up you know yeah I'm just like I don't want to be this if I were yeah if I were like if I were a model agent and I had all these like you know if I were single and all these models reaching out to me and I just wanted to find true love. I might be skeptical of a bunch of

Starting point is 00:54:50 models like hitting me up or, you know, like if I were in the music business and all I, and all these like aspiring young artists reached out to me and I was like this young music executive, I might, you know, that might be a red flag. You know, use common sense, you know, a small business owner who randomly reaches out to you and pursues a friendship, like there's an obvious advantage to them to being your friend right you know yeah and i mean i think in the beginning i just didn't know what i didn't know because i was just having fun and posting on this page and whatever um now i'm much more guarded about it i just don't want to let me being guarded keep me from something that could be good too i think it's important for you to not take your side

Starting point is 00:55:36 hustle that seriously and i do like everything i do i'm very passionate about it so i'm just like this is my baby you know which is good but I think again and from your perspective I can tell you there's no difference between having 35,000 followers and having 1.3 million followers to be honest I probably care less about my following than you care about yours maybe I don't know in my experience you know but it's just like again you built this and it's it's unique to what you know like most people and again in your community like I had the advantages of being on TV show and like kind of gifted followers and I've certainly have grown it and done things like that but it's a very unique thing and people are fascinated with this space like you ask kids in high school what they want to be in

Starting point is 00:56:24 the grow up and the number one answer is YouTube star it's not astronaut or a rocket scientist or whatever anymore it's like so you you are dabbling in a very fascinating field that for a lot of people has a hint of celebrity to it and people get weird around that but But as you know, you're really not, and you are describing a desire for normalcy, a normal life and meeting a normal guy and having a normal relationship and not being treated differently because of this side hustle that you have. So it's important for you to not be different about it and not be so precious about it. You can be passionate about it.

Starting point is 00:57:06 Have people pull it out of you and not be guarded when they're just asking normal questions. If you happen to meet a friend or a guy who happens to be a small business owner and you find out after the fact, you can say, yeah, I don't work with friends. Things get complicated and weird. So I don't really do it for friends. I don't, you know, because like also you want to keep a level of authenticity. If your whole side hustle is about objectively reviewing and critiquing and potentially at times promoting small businesses based off the merits of the business.

Starting point is 00:57:40 then your audience needs to know that it's not a pay for play or that you're just there to promote your friends. It's like, should I go to this place because they have a need that they can help you with or a service they provide that's like better than the rest? Or is it this woman's friend? So you could just say, like, I just, I don't really work with friends. Yeah, that's true. You know, there's a boundary, you know, that you can have. And that you can decide to make exceptions from time to time. But right off the bat, when you find out people have small businesses or they're potentially in a position to use you in a way that you don't want to be used, you can make sure you communicate that boundary and see how they react.

Starting point is 00:58:17 Yeah, I like that plan. The fact that, like, you have made friends with people with small businesses and became friends with them tells me there is a level that you, whether consciously or subconsciously, you liked it. Like, like, liked the fact that they were giving me attention, you mean? Well, you're not an idiot, right? I know you're not an idiot. I've talked to you long enough to know that you're not an idiot, right?

Starting point is 00:58:42 And, you know, you've built this thing off on the side or reviewing businesses, right? So I, you don't need me to tell you as someone who has a side hustle to promote small businesses that meeting someone as friends or as a potential romantic interest, finding out they also, they have a small business is a potential red flag. and you don't need me to tell that. You knew that already back in the day. Whether you chose to flag it and do anything with it or not has nothing to do with the fact that like you're aware that it was a potential red flag. And if we're being honest with ourselves, we like having power over people. We like people needing us. We like people being fascinated with what we do. So the flip side of that is when you found out that someone was a small business owner, subconscious you knew that, like, you could help them or that they might need you or that they would

Starting point is 00:59:40 show an extra interest in what you did. It would validate, like, there's a lot of people in your community. Most people in your community don't give a fuck about your side hustle. They don't give a fuck. But there's a part of you, your ego, I would. You want people, we all want people to give a fuck about what we do. And if this is something you worked on your own and you built by yourself and you really like put work and passion into it you want people to care right like i literally my my my brother-in-law over uh last night for dinner i like to cook you know made my homemade spaghetti sauce homemade meatballs you know and he was like this is the best this is so fucking good and oh my god i've been eating hotel and that felt validating because like i you know i enjoy cooking it's a

Starting point is 01:00:24 passion of mine and yeah it was validating to have them really enjoy my cooking and so there's a part when you meet someone who is a small business owner, they're more set up to validate the work that you've put into the small business. Oh, that's really cool. How'd you do that? Oh, that's really fascinating. They're probably the type of people who show more of an interest in this side hustle that you have, right? For sure. And there's a part of your ego that likes that and wants to hear that, right? And so you've ignored the red flags in the sake of being validated for your side hustle. Yeah, that makes sense. And I think there are probably numerous times that I've done that without even realizing

Starting point is 01:01:04 I'm doing it. So now that you're saying it, I'm like, I need to be aware of that when people are talking to me because, yeah, it feels good to be, you know, complimented or whatever. And I like helping people. So when I help people and then I get that positive affirmation back, I'm like, oh, my God, I want to do it again. And it's not also, I think you need to recognize it's not just about helping people. It's just like, I like being validated.

Starting point is 01:01:28 We all do. Yeah, that's fair. So that's when I say you've got to be careful about not taking your side hustle, your passion project so seriously. You can be serious about it and you can be dedicated to it and you can be passionate about it without taking yourself that seriously and acting like, you know, because your version is like, people are weird around me and I don't even know what the big deal is and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but it's like, well, you know, there's again, there's a part

Starting point is 01:01:54 of you that likes it, right? like it's the celebrity that like complains that they can't go out in public anymore but when no one notices them they're like wait no one give a fuck that I was like what you know like the reality TV star that walks a little bit slower when they have a group of like girls who look like they watch the bachelor and they walk a little bit slower and they make eye contact with that group so that they do get notice only so that they can complain about it after the fact I mean that shit happens all the time yeah and there's a version of that that you're doing. And I know that because it's almost impossible not to. And it takes a lot

Starting point is 01:02:32 to be self-aware about that stuff. And as someone who's been in this world for 15 years, I can assure you that if you feel like a local celebrity, if there are people out there who make you feel like a local celebrity, there's a part of that feels very good and validating. And that's fun and exciting. And there's also a part of you that you're subconscious, unless you tell yourself not to take yourself too seriously, you inevitably will be taking yourself too seriously. Yeah, that's good advice because I do, I think, you know, it's just like a whole different world to me that I'm not, I've only had the page a couple of years. So it's kind of a new, it blew up really fast in this area. And there has been a lot of attention. And yeah, it does feel

Starting point is 01:03:13 good. But also, I do think I need to kind of check myself sometimes and be like, just remember, like at the end of the day you're just you and I do have my full-time job and I think sometimes I need to like lead with that and not lead as much with the side hustle I think that's good for you to acknowledge and my guess is that you lead with it more than you realize I think you like oh I work in tech and then you're waiting to tell people about this thing that you're proud of like you are proud of it and that's cool that you're proud of it you know and so you have to figure out how to you have to figure out how to feel validated and proud of it without using it as a way to impress people that you either want to date romantically or become friends with because that's the

Starting point is 01:03:57 thing you are using it to impress people and then you don't like it when you feel used you're using it and then when you get used by it you don't like it and i do think i've always put a lot of weight on my career so i find like my value in that so i end up leading with like yeah i work in tech but I also do this and like look at me go and I need to remember like there are a lot of other parts of me that are great and it's just it's not just my career that is what makes me cool you know and like fun and whatever and all these other things because that is what I always I don't know I think that was something for my parents do they're like you got to have the career you got to do this and so then I put so much weight on it you have to we have to find ways

Starting point is 01:04:41 to validate ourselves without necessarily needing it from other people It's good to get it from other people, but... Yeah, and I am, I've actually been working on that with my therapist because she was like, you get a lot of positive, like, affirmations, it seems, but then you don't really believe them. So, like, what is it about you that you're, like, you're trying to, like, overcompensate for things? And then I feel like that's where that comes in, too, that I'm like, well, look at this page I have and whatever. Yeah, and I can tell you, like, it's, it is, listen, like, this thing that you've entered into is a very, like, it can be very, there are a lot of benefits,

Starting point is 01:05:14 and perks and it's exciting, but, like, It's easy to get wrapped up into it, and it's easy to lose yourself in it. And it's a very ego-centric thing. How do you feel like you stay grounded and just like don't take it all too seriously? Because my introverted self kind of hates the attention. I mean, I have a big ego, and certainly like I can have been mindful of that. But I also just like at this point, I'd rather be rich and powerful than popular. I'm pretty offline.

Starting point is 01:05:44 and I don't look at anything, you know, I'm very mindful of where my energy goes. I talk about that shit all the time. I try to put it in practice. So as a business owner and a host of a show, I am trying to focus my energy when it comes in my show on the creative element. And I don't spend a lot of time online looking for feedback or validation because, like, that's not the type of feedback that's really helpful for me. I'll have other people monitor certain types of feedback to like make sure like we're

Starting point is 01:06:16 overall heading in the right direction. But I don't get into the weeds of like comments and things like that because like five comments we have millions of people listening to this show every month. You know, 20 comments don't really like dictate. But like it doesn't feel like 20 comments when you're reading it back to back to back to back to back. And so, I don't know, it's just, I've gotten good at that, right? Like, also, you have to be, what are your goals for your small business? You know what I'm saying? If you're, like, when people go on reality TV, the first sense of validation is to like,

Starting point is 01:06:52 just either are you popular or are you not popular? And if you're popular, you feel special and you hope that popularity will get you, like, opportunities. And I do think I don't really know, like, exactly where I want to go with this. So maybe that is something I need to think about, too, is like, what is my goal? and once I hit it, like being happy with that. Well, that's the thing. Because right now, if you don't know what your goal is,

Starting point is 01:07:12 your goal probably is to like feel important. Like I know, I want to help these small businesses, but I'm like, what is my- I doubt you. I'm sure that is an ancillary benefit. I doubt you got into it

Starting point is 01:07:22 because one night you were in bed being like, you know what? My purpose in life is to help other people's businesses. Like, you know what I'm saying? You're not Jesus. You're not small business, Jesus. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:33 No, for sure. I'm sure you like doing it. when I started this show of giving advice, it was like, I'm good at this, I know I can do it, maybe I can make a show out of it. You know, it wasn't, I wasn't lying in bed and you'd be like, you know what? I just, all I want to do is help other people's relationship problems.

Starting point is 01:07:48 I do get a lot of enjoyment and personal, like, like this Ask Nick's part of the show is like the one side that I really like get fulfillment out because I ended up helping people and that made me feel good about like doing good. but I would I can't honestly but that's why I got into it you know like that would be it's like okay like I knew I could help people but it was like I wanted to start a show so like yeah what is your goal of the side business is it to eventually quit your full time job and do this maybe that's

Starting point is 01:08:21 cool like you know um if you're just I don't know if that's what I want to do so I do think maybe I think that's a good thing to know because until you know that then you run the risk of it just being something that makes you feel cool and that you want to get validated for. And if you're not doing it, if you don't have a specific goal in mind, then you're doing it for the attention. And so when it comes to dating and making friends, it will be very difficult for you to discern the difference between whether you like the fact that people know about it or treat you differently or make you feel unique and special even at the risk of being used or not. This was helpful. It made me think about things in a different way.

Starting point is 01:09:05 But yeah, I mean, at the same time, it is cool that you did that. And maybe it can be a fun side project. And if you're able to make a little money off of it, like, hey, very few better part-time jobs than having a, you know, a small micro following that you can make some extra cash on and have a small business that you can do on the side at your leisure in your time. Yeah. And it can give you access in your community and credibility that can help you out, you know, like, that's another that I you know I was aware enough early on to like be able to realize well this can give me access and open doors for me for other aspects of my business or or things I want to do the ego will always be there you just have to be mindful of it so like yeah but you're I think yeah that's the thing your big your big thing is figuring out why am I doing this now that I have it

Starting point is 01:09:52 what do I want to do with it what's my next goal for it yeah I need to think about that and I just need to remember not to lead with that so much when I am dating because it is fun and I get so much excitement out of it that I want to talk about it and I need to I think reel it in a little great well keep me update I'd love to know what you uh I will I'm going on a date's tomorrow so I haven't been on one in a while so I have fun I would look not to bring it up well he already knows about it so okay great make him make him ask how does he know about it I was a judge for this local event in the area and he was volunteering at it and we were standing at a table with a bunch of other people talking and one of the other women brought up that she knew my page

Starting point is 01:10:39 and he was like, oh, I haven't heard of it. He's like, I'm not really big on Instagram. And honestly, for me, that was a green flag because I was like, that's great. I love that you don't really dabble in that world. And then like he followed me. He damned me. Whatever. So when he asks, again, like it's it's a sec honestly you can just be like in terms of all the ego elements you got downplay that and upplay the practical aspects of this side business so whatever popularity or attention that comes with it that's not a thing it's just more like it's a great it's a great side it's a great way to make a little extra money on the side there's a lot of flexibility in it because it's like my business and it doesn't come in between so like honestly that's why I do it

Starting point is 01:11:23 And then I, you know, I get to, you know, go to these fun events and meet people like yourself. And, you know, that's how I got to do it. And that's what I enjoy about it. But, like, it's really not, it's not much more than that. I will lead with that and see how it goes. He really hasn't brought it up much. So I do feel good about that. Like, he's been asking questions to get to know me and my nine to five career and all of that stuff. I think the more you talk about it as a business and the less you talk about it as a something cool. That's good advice too. Because, I do sometimes forget that I'm an actual business because I am making money off it. So it is a

Starting point is 01:11:59 business. Like I need to. You should be, I don't know, if you don't see it that way, then yeah, then you're definitely, you like how it makes you, it makes you feel cool. Right now from talking to you, that's why you do it. And the it making you feel cool part is complicating your dating life because. Yeah. No, that makes sense. All it is is it. And you ask me how I do it. Yeah. It's a business for me. It's work. It's all it is. It's work I enjoy. I'm lucky to do it. It's better than being an accountant. No offense to accounts out there. I didn't personally enjoy being an accountant when I was. And so I'm grateful that I get to do this kind of fun and zany, exciting job. But it's a job. And I do really like my full-time job too. So I don't know. I think I need to kind of like retrain my brain of how I look at all of this.

Starting point is 01:12:49 And Ben Affleck gave an interview not too long ago. He talked about the difference between being a celebrity and being rich. And he was right, you know, being rich, it's not the key to happiness, but it helps. It doesn't, you know, being a celebrity only is, it's, it's, it's very short term pleasure and a lot of headache long term that comes with it. Yeah. And I do think over the past six months, I've started realizing that and just like navigating all of those feelings and different things has been confusing. And like I said, like it's all relative. You probably in your community act more like a celebrity than Ben Affleck does in his. I don't know about that, but maybe. I don't know. Well, again, it's all relative because in your, you know, if you're in any type of small

Starting point is 01:13:37 town, people get excited about the local news. So for you, it's a very fascinating thing. For some people who interact with you, it's the closest they've ever acted with, interacted with celebrity. And so it makes you feel important it makes you feel special like ben afflick's been doing this for a lifetime he's just like fucking sick of it so it's all it's all real sure that's why like a lot of like reality tv stars fresh out of tv shows are like just ego maniacs because like everyone's telling them how unique and special they are and then they're like that's when the like it crashes and burn because people get over things fast and then for six months they're told how they're the closest this thing to Taylor Swift, and then a month later, people are like,

Starting point is 01:14:20 oh, wait, were you in that? Who are you? Yeah. Yeah, you're right. All right. Thank you. All right. We'll take care.

Starting point is 01:14:30 You too. All right. Bye.

The Viall Files - E1007 Ask Nick - He Cheated at the Wedding

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.