The Viall Files - E1051 Ask Nick My Boyfriend Is Married

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

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My name is Allison. I am 29 years old. All right. How can I help Allison? So I am dating a literal daddy for the first time. And I obviously have none of that. in my own history. And so it is, it's been interesting. I'm not going to lie to you. And I just need some advice, especially dealing with his ex. It's become a bit much, to be honest. And I'm, I'm worried that I have just dug myself in too deep. And I'm like, should I get out now? Okay. How old is your partner? How many kids does he have? And like set the stage,

give me the landscape. Okay. So he is 35 years old. He has two kids. They are six and three. And I'll give you a little bit of a backstory between their relationship. So him and his ex, well, they're legally still married, actually. We'll touch on that quickly. Hate that. Exactly. So we'll just start there. So already a rough go.

But when she got pregnant the first time, they were actually just hooking up. And there was really no feelings involved. But she actually, now I think about this, it's quite funny. She's quite a religious girl. And she got pregnant. And she was like, I am keeping the baby and I'm going to move back to my country. And so he was like, okay, I guess I only have one choice. I have to marry her.

He married her. He raised the baby. And then two years later, he's like, she's like, I'm having another kid. And he really, honestly, is a complete pushover for her. And she got her way and she got a second baby. Do you still feel that way about your boyfriend? Oh, completely. She couldn't pay her rent the last two months.

and he had to pay her rent. Well, she is his wife. That's exactly. That's my testimony. That's all I got. How long have you been dating? We've been dating for three months. Okay, so it's really early.

It's really early, and that's why I'm like, do I get out now? Because it's getting more intense with her. She's getting a little bit aggressive. She started updating Facebook posts saying that they're still married. Like, as of two days ago, she'd be. posted a relationship status. So tell me what's good about this relationship. Honestly, when I met him, he was just the most emotionally mature man that I have ever been with. Unfortunately, it's probably because he has already done the steps of becoming a father and has grown drastically due to that.

But he was just so, he's just a man. Like, I've been dating these boys and I started to date a man. And it just felt really good. Okay. In terms of age of the people you've been dating, is this the first guy who's a little older than you as well? Honestly, I'm kind of all over the map with that. Like, I've done it out a pretty good dating history of just trying to go on dates, learn what I like and don't like. I listen to your ask next to a lot and I hear a lot of the popular thing is that women have a hard time getting like another date. I honestly have like too many. That's going to sound so awful. It's hard to choose. And so when you give these people your time, like I feel like I get attach to that one person that I give my time to and then I take all the eggs out of the

basket. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, which it's kind of the way to do it. I mean, I was talking to someone yesterday where, you know, listen, I think it's typical. The challenge is, if you were, if you were to stereotype, I think, yeah, I think women probably have an easier time of settling down and committing than men seem to do. I think that's a, that's a very broad general statement. So like, yeah. But yeah, I mean, the challenge is, is like to find that it's, it's all about balance, right? Like everything about life is about balance. And certainly it is about dating early on. And like that balance of finding that like as you relate, grow your relationship, how do you I mean, listen, like when I met Natalie, I was single A.F. You know, like I had been single for years.

I was so good at being single. I was really comfortable with being single. I mean, I was also like kind of miserable and whatever, but like I would, you know, all jokes aside, I was like, that's the feeling. That was like my, you know, I was really content, you know, and then now me and Natalie are one, you know, we're just, we are a family, you know, and and it's amazing, you know, but that, that was a gradual process that took literal years, you know, we've been together for six years now, which is crazy to think that, that took time, you know, when when we first got together, that was, It was very different. I think it's important to note that like what you like about him, it's incomplete, you know. Like the things you like about him, I'm not saying they're not true, but there's a lot more for you to learn. And he might look a certain way to you, again, compared to what you've dated before. Yes. And it might be masked a little bit because of his situation where he is forced to make what feels like to you very adult.

decisions and he is immersed in very adult situations and whether it's messy or not for you, you might just be like, at least I'm now arguing with my boyfriend about things that feel serious rather than you play too much video games. And like having that debate with someone where you're like, I can't even get my fucking guy to like take me on a walk. Like, well, you know, he's playing video games. And, you know, at least, you know, it might feel like, well, he's fighting with his wife, you know, and it might feel more mature. I don't, you know, so you want to be careful there about like, you know, how I always talk about feelings are valid. They also change. They're temporary, you know, the more we learn about people. Yeah. I mean, I will say, I think it's important that you

trust how you feel this early on in a relationship that you're already wondering if you should get out. I wouldn't ignore that feeling. Honestly, I've already brought it up in therapy. I was sitting at his house one day and my therapist called and I had a session and I was like, I am not even two months. Well, your therapist just randomly called and was like, what's up, girl? You want to talk? I wish, but we had a session book and I was just going off about him for the full hour and I haven't really gone off about.

No, no, no. Gosh, no. I made sure he left his own house first. And I was just like, this is too early, you know. I should not be having this much animosity towards this man. Well, the reality is, is he's got too much to figure out right now. It's nearly impossible. And again, I'm generalizing for him to prioritize you in this relationship while he's dealing with his wife.

Not his ex-wife. His wife. Yeah. And the fact that she is posting the way she is means that, like, that's very messy. And he obviously feels a certain type of loyalty to her. and it's it's not a good thing that you think he's a pushover for her. Yeah, it's not. And she knows it.

There's a lack of respect that you have for your new boyfriend. And it's really important that you respect your boyfriend. I want to respect him for the things he's doing. I don't mean like in a like an 1800 sort of way where like, you know, like there's, I'm Catholic. I was raised Catholic. And there's, if you go to church every Sunday, if you're Catholic, you will basically, I think, like heard most of the Bible over a course of four years or something like that. But there's this like reading.

I don't know what it is. And it's always like you should want to respect your partner. You should want to admire them, you know, each other, you know, be like, oh, that's my man. You know, like, you know, so it's great that you think, oh, he's finally a man. But the fact that you think he's a pushover, you know, you don't want to be already thinking that. No. And the hard thing is I do respect him for like the decisions and choices he's made owning up to it. You know, those are his kids.

that is still his legal obligation with her. So he's doing what he has to do. But I definitely do think he's a pushover for her. And that's not a good. What conversations do you have had with him about this? Actually, so when I set this email in, we're probably at the four month mark now, but it was about two and a half months when I sent this email in. And we have actually gone through some like triumphs because I got to the point where I didn't feel like a priority.

Triumphs. Triumphs. Good. In a good way. Yeah. Yeah. in a good way, but also trials. Like we went through, we went to trial at air, let's just say.

So like we had a lot of conversations and that made like that made me feel really good because he was communicating with me and trying to make me feel like a priority. But I just, you can't really feel like a priority when he has two kids under the age of six and he still has this obligation. So I kind of put myself down to the bottom of the list and then I realized I was settling for less than I deserved. And so we started having some more intense conversations. and then he just got super overwhelmed

and he hasn't been communicating with me about what's going on on her end and she is in his ear all day, every day and making things very difficult. She's telling the kids to say things to him and stuff about mommy and daddy getting back together. The kids call him and say, like, I want to see you right now

when she knows we're together. Like, she just tries to pull these strings and it's made him completely back away. And then therefore, I've honestly got a little emotionally numb to it because I'm just like, what am I doing here? So, yeah, I guess what I would say, you just got to sit them down and be like, listen, assuming this is true, I like you. And here's why I like you. And this is what I felt when I first met you in the best possible way.

And just, you know, kind of almost in a way, tell them what you said to me. It's just like I was really, I am really attracted to the fact that like, in a lot of ways, I think you have your shit together. and I'm really attracted to your maturity, and I'm attracted to the fact that, like, you care about your family. You know, I'm very attracted to that. You have a lot going on right now, and we just started dating,

and it's a little bit too much too soon, I think, for both of us. And despite me liking you, I think you need to figure your shit out. And I'm not saying I'm necessarily pulling back, but I do need to slow down, and I think you really need to dictate terms, I guess. you need to be able to find your balance that you're comfortable with if you want to stay in this

relationship and you need to be able to try to separate how he prioritizes his children versus how he prioritizes his wife. Step one is this like I, are you going to, like, why are you still married and like, are, is this actually going to change? I'm very uncomfortable with the fact that like she doesn't want to end this relationship and you have a hard time disappointing her. And I get it. Why? You know, you're a good guy, you know, but like until you're able to like disappoint her and prioritize me, I don't think I, it's not a good situation for me to be in. I don't want to make you choose. I'm totally fine with you prioritizing your kids. If I want to date you, I have to accept that. I'm okay with that. But I can't have your kids be used as an excuse for her to like always steal your time. And right now, I don't know if you know how to do that. And until you do, do, I just don't know if we can make this work. Because clearly he has some shit to figure out. Truly, it is too early for him to be dating.

It was a little irresponsible and a little reckless for him to be like, I don't know how you met. Was it on the apps? It was. He shouldn't have been on the apps. This motherfucker should not have been in the apps. And that's a bit of a red flag. I would be, do you know why he was on the apps?

I think that he was probably looking. something casual and didn't expect to meet someone. They were separated? They were separated, yeah. It was still reckless of them. Honestly, it was. It was a really close time frame. I think they were only living apart for like six months.

So, in my opinion, I think it was still too fast, just looking how much is still on his plate. How old is he? Clearly. He's 36. He's 35. He's not that old. This is not like some guy who's like, if I don't start dating now, I'm a loser.

Like, he's, you know. Yeah. He had no reason not to be a little bit more patient and discerning about like, I, you know, this is too messy for me. I got to figure my shit out. Like I'm maybe he's at this position where he's like, I know I know she's not my person. I know like I don't want to be with her forever. I hate that I'm doing this to my family, but this is what I need to be happy. But I do care about my kids and this is messy. And I just need to figure out how I make this work, you know. And he hasn't figured out how to make this work and stand up for himself and set boundaries with. his hopefully in your case soon to be ex-wife. He just was like, I need, I need to get set, I need to get out. And then he got on the apps. And that's crazy. It is. It is, it was just unnecessary.

He's not even mentally capable of adding more to his plate. He also has his own company. So it's just, he's just running himself like a dog. And it's just, he has nothing left. But that's, he made this bed. Yep, he did. And he, and, you know, it's not an impossible situation. He can figure this shit out.

He just, it's obviously a difficult time for him. It's probably, you know, uncharted territory for him. And I understand it's difficult, but he needs to, he needs to know how to do that. And until he figures out how to manage his ex and co-parent in a way that he, yeah, he needs to figure that out. Yeah, he really needs to manage. And I think it's going to be very difficult for him to figure out how to do that while you're in the picture. Yeah. I agree.

It would have been a lot easier for him to do this as a single person. You know, the problem is like, yeah, like if I'm his buddy, you know, and let's say like he was like, yeah, I'm not happy. And he's like, we're separated, we're not married. And if he would have asked my opinion, you know, like, I would have been like, dude, if you go on the apps and he's like, I'm just want to keep it casual, I just want to meet someone. I'm like, you're going to fall in love with the first girl that you hit it off with because, again, it's like a tale of all this time, you know, like, you're. probably different than her. You make him feel a way that she didn't. It's exciting. You know, there's the risk that a lot of the things he feels about you, I'm not saying aren't genuine, but they might be a little manufactured, you know, because you make him feel things that you're a

release in a way, you know, and not that he's intending to do that, but in a way, it's kind of, his life is just so chaotic right now. He just probably doesn't really know what he needs or wants. And he is he is not in control of his life. He is being reactive, you know, and he went about things this way, which demonstrates a little bit of immaturity. I mean, listen, life's not perfect in these very adult and messy situations, like, no one plans for them. It's like baptism by fire, you know, so I give him a lot of empathy that way. But the mature thing to do would have been to like get his shit together, prioritize his family, prioritize his kids, and then figure out how to navigate this messy situation and find out how he can like stand up and set healthy boundaries with

his ex-wife and know that she's going to be disappointed, but figure it out. And that might take some time for him to do that. Him inserting this new girl, you, into this equation before his wife was ready for it. Not that she was ever going to, not that he needs a permission, but it was always going to be like this, you know? Listen, it's, it's not a great situation. And I just don't know, he's never done this before, so you don't know if he can do it, you know? No. And then it's all, it just, and I even think of bigger picture, like, I'm like, we've talked about him having more kids and he says yes, but he's also financially tied down to his ex-wife right now. They're still legally married and he still has two kids under the age of six. And I am 29 years old.

and within the next few years, like, I want to have a family. I want to start having my own babies. Yeah, that part I think you can figure out. I mean, I don't know this financial situation. And, like, you know, I don't nowadays. And I know, like, in the economic times are tricky. Yeah. They've been tricky before.

I don't know, you know. That's the thing. I feel like it's just excuses a lot of the time. Like, you were right in saying the fact that, like, I'm opposite of her. And I was like his piece and I was like vacation. And then he would get a phone call. And then immediately. shut down and it's like oh now he has to deal with real life yeah and i was kind of like but i'm

supposed to be part of your real life too like i want to hear what's going on but i was vacation so he was like just cut me in a little yeah that's a really bad sign yeah that you feel it and it and it makes so much sense you know you're right and the way you described it is probably really accurate that you are this vacation for him this release think about it like he knocked up this woman was kind of like lukewarm about her, wanted to do the right thing, settled down, realize it wasn't the right thing, and now stuck in the situation. So it must feel incredibly overwhelming for him. And I imagine that he feels very stuck. But it's not a situation people I've been in before, but it does take someone who has a strong conviction and he just has to figure it out. And I don't think he can

figure it out with you. He has to figure out on his own. Yeah. Unfortunately, I agree with that. I think there needs to be some space taken. And he keeps getting really emotional anytime we try to do that because I think he, again, is realizing I'm his peace. And so when I'm not in his life anymore, it's just the heaviness. And then he's alone. So he's got to figure it out. He's only 35.

Got to figure it out. He's the one that like he, it takes two to tango. They had a second kid. I think that's as much as the man's decision as it is the woman's. And he did agree to that. So I'm like, you brought another baby onto this earth. You could have really said, no, you let it happen. And so my sympathy is dwindling down.

Truly, I mean, in some respects, you do have to say, hey, buddy, this is the bed you made and you can get through it. But like, you got to own that and fucking just deal with it, man. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get your life together. Figure it out. It's not the end of the world. Like people, too many people said.

have to deal with this. It is what it is. You can get through it, but like, you have to, he can say no to her. He left her. And he's, he's, he's learning how to say no, but it's really new, like as much as fresh as the point of him moving out. That's how new it is because she's gone everything she's wanted out of him. And she continues to. And it's because of his kids, like, what is he going to say? No, I'm not paying your rent. Of course, he's going to pay whatever he has to for his children. Yeah. Well, he's just, I mean, he's got to get divorced.

If he wants to get divorced, he's got to get divorced. I mean, honestly, that's step one. It's deal with your shit, you know? Yeah. In Canada, I think you have to be legally separated for a year before filing. So he has to wait, I think, six more months or just under six months to get legally separated. Or it's like three months now.

That's a good period of time for him to figure out his shit. But he probably shouldn't be dating. Probably should not be dating. and I think I'm just going to lay that down until you're legally divorced until it's on paper. He still has a wife. She still has a tattoo on her ring finger.

She still thinks that they have a chance of getting back together. Like I just need to remove myself, I think. Yeah. And you could say, listen, I really like you. And I'm not saying, but like I'm trying to make really smart and healthy decisions.

I think you need to make those too. If not to sound corny, but if we should be together, we'll find our way back to each. other. I don't know about saying we can't talk, but you really need to like, I can't just be this girl that feels like a vacation, you know, I can't be, I don't want to just represent like not reality to you. This, you know, real life. Yeah. I really, I want that. Like, I want a home. I want kids. I want that one person. And I, it's fine that you're a father and I want you to prioritize your

kids, but I can't be that far down the priority list. Yeah. And that's exactly what it is. I think just being involved with a man that was emotionally mature, uh, access something in me. And I was actually tried to be mature in a relationship for the first time, I guess. And that's why it feels hard to give up because I was trying so hard. Like I, I, I put my big adult foot forward and I was trying to be proper in this

relationship. But it feels like I can't fight this one. Yeah. That sucks. I mean, but listen, you know, I wish I could say like there's a lot of mature men out there. I don't know if there are. Where do I find them? Do I have to build my own?

I don't know. It can't be that bad out there. It's not that bad, but there's always something. And it's just so strange because there's always something. But something doesn't have to be like that bad, but it's something that it's just like, okay, they're not ready for emotional stability or something like that. It is just, it's hard finding your person. And I'm not going to settle.

It is. Yeah, sorry. I wish I had like, it was more helpful. But yeah, it just sounds a little too. messy and there are a lot of red flags here and it sounds like you know it and it sounds like you feel it and I think the red flags outweigh the green flags and the red flags you know they're red flags and the green flags you're like it feels like a green flag but I'm not entirely sure it is yes I think that I think again just dating a man in that position you were right I was like he's a

husband he's a dad I just I just liked the look of that or maybe that may not maybe that may see that he was more mature than he is. And clearly, he's not as emotionally mature as I expected. You know, it's also a difficult time. What will really help you learn that is if you sit them down and say, listen, I know this is a difficult conversation, but I really think we need to, I think we need to stop doing what we're doing. You need to be alone right now. That's my opinion. I can't tell you what to do, you know, and selfishly, I kind of want you to be alone because I do like you and like I do see potential with you but right now you have too much on your plate and you have to get your life together and you need to like honestly like just take care of your family

in a way that like I don't fit in it right now I just don't you know and I don't want to be something you just fit in on the side because you have other things going on so like I personally think and again this is this a very biased opinion from someone who likes you but like I think you should be alone right now. So like I can't stop you if I end this and I'm not telling you to sit there and wait for me, but it's just you just have to figure it out. And once you get divorced, if you're still thinking about me and you feel like you really are able to like set healthy boundaries with her, let me know. But right now it's definitely, it's too much. And it's too much for me. And I think it's too much for you. You know, Ed, it's this more, it's this more stress on your plate. So figure it out. And

let me know. Yeah, I completely agree. You're right. He doesn't need more stress on his plate and I'm just digging myself and a whole getting nowhere. So I think just sitting him down and having that conversation will at least we'll see where his head's at. His response should be a lot of disappointment. He can be sad, but I hope he comes around sooner than later and says, you know, you're probably right. And this sucks. And I'm really sad, but I need to do this. and you're right. And this makes me liking more, but yeah, I'll let you, you know. And then, I don't know, maybe you keep in touch or whatever, but you have to be able to

keep looking. You have to, like, have your life and you can't be sitting around waiting for him. Yeah, I know he'll handle the conversation well. He is a very calm, cool, collected guy. I just have to bring myself around to doing it. So thank you. I appreciate it. Well, Kimmy Post it on what you decided.

do. I will. And we'll follow your love story along the way. Yeah, who knows. Maybe next time I'll call and I'll say I found my soulmate. I hope so. Yeah, we'll see. Me too. Fingers crossed. And if you have any, you know, eligible bachelors. Sounds good. Thank you. All right, take care. Have a great day. You too, bye-bye. Bye-bye. It is that time of year. Time to find the perfect holiday gifts. And let's be honest, nobody wants to give something forgettable. That's where the real real real comes in. The real real real is the most trusted name and authenticated luxury resale.

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How's it going? It's going good. How are you? I'm good. What's your name? My name is Autumn, and I'm 26. How can I help, Autumn? I have a three-month curse, and I know that sounds insane, but for years, I've had this pattern where guys pursue me.

me and treat me like I'm their future wife. And then randomly out of nowhere, they start distancing themselves and blind side be. And the reasons are things that I can't control. And so after a while, I start to realize the common denominator here is me. So my question is, are curses real or am I just really the problem? I mean, I don't believe in curses. I don't think. Could just be a string of bad luck.

and then probably you're you're you're either doing things or not doing things i probably right that like maybe is um causing that's what i'm here to find out yeah anyways tell me more about your situation where you feel like you've maybe broke a mirror or walked a black cat woke past you or something where all yeah no really i do own a black cat so maybe i did this to my oh there you go there i am the problem who'd have thought no um i guess i can just give an example um just to kind of get you an idea of this has been happening. Same different guy, same situation, with different reasons, but it's usually, like I said, things that I can't control. So recently, like a couple months ago, I was seeing this guy and I had known him for years. We used to work together. And we both really

liked each other back then, but didn't say anything. But we randomly saw each other years later at a bar and I was doing a gig. And he pursues me. He's like, hey, look, like, we're both older. I still think you're a great person. I would love to take you out on a date. And I was like, you know what, sure, why not? No guy's hitting on my line anyway. So let's go for it. I'll take a dinner and see where it goes. And when I tell you, this man was literally like talking me like how many kids I wanted and things like that, which kind of scared me at first because like, whoa, whoa, whoa. But he just seemed so sincere and genuine. And I was like, okay, he's just a very intentional guy. And he's the type of guy that dates with the potential for more. Like this isn't, he's not a casual dater. And I kind of like

That was your impression. That was my impression. Yes, absolutely. Like a month after into talking, like everything's going great. We're getting along. We're spending time together. He has a crazy job, but he's potentially making the time that he would probably be sleeping to spend time with me. And so I really appreciated that.

And I showed that he really wanted to get to know me. When you said you had a gig, I'm just out of curiosity. Oh, yeah. No, I'm in some bands. Oh, okay. So I sing. Yeah. And so it's just something fun I do.

It's not my real job. It's just a fun happy I have. Awesome. But yeah, thank you. It's really fun. So after a month into dating, you know, he's asking me if I can take off work to go on a trip with him that's in two months. And he asked me to have dinner with his family. And he's planning a trip with you that's two months out.

Like his friends are going on a trip and he asked me if I could take off work to go with him. But in two months, not like, hey, random question this weekend. We're going on a trip and any chance you're available. Ironically, they're on the trip right now. So just keep that in mind. Like they're literally on the trip right now because I couldn't go. But he's, but he was planning. He was planning. And I even had dinner with his parents, but I already known them.

No, I know. I literally was a little concerned about that because I was like, okay, but I did already know them from, I worked with one of his parents and then I knew him from when we worked together. But how did, how did dinner happen? Well, also fun fact, he does live at his parents' house because he's saving up to buy a house. So we always hung out at my, he's, he is younger than me too. He is 24, I believe. But he's just saving up to buy a house. When you, when, when you said that he said, we're both older, and you were like, I'm 26. I know, I know I'm young. I know this is so dramatic.

You're not. You're younger than me, but you're a great age. Man, if you're, if you're in your mid-20s nowadays, that's like the golden. I know. Especially of being single. Like, you know, it's just you're, you're young, but you're not too young. I hope people who are in their mid-20s feel nothing other than just like a great age. Anyways.

Yes. And I think, like I also. big aspect of this that might help you kind of understand where I'm coming from is I also live in the South. So with that comes expectations as a woman specifically. Like if you're, you're old 30. Yeah. Like I'm pretty much barren in this society. And I don't and I hate that idea and I don't want to succumb to the cultural pressure. But that does mean I am literally the only single friend. You feel it. So and so I'm aware of it. And sometimes I feel like I'm on an island because I'm the only one left. And on top of it, was born on Valentine's Day on the day of love,

if you will. So God has a sense of humor. God has a real sense of humor. What is it like having a birthday on Valentine's Day? Horrible because I'm always single and all my friends are married. Well, plus and then it's just like everyone else has plans. Yes.

Or they're sad. My whole, it's so funny. Like the friends who are available are like, you know, they're just like, well, you know, they're all sad on your birthday because they're single.

I guess, I guess I'll hang out with autumn. Literally, it's like, all right. Sorry, back to the guy. So all these things, right, which are showing that he's very intentional and he sees a future. Mind you, me on the other hand, never once asked him to meet my family because I just feel like that's, you know, like even though we know each other for a while and I knew his family, he didn't know mine. So I'm not just going to throw you into that. Never asked him about future anything.

I've been very chill. I've let him take the lead, which is a very common thing of mine. I usually don't set the pace. I just follow the pace that they set. And sometimes maybe that is a problem, but we'll get into that later. So all this is going great. Out of nowhere around like two months. So not three months exactly, but two months are in.

And he starts distancing himself in the sense of instead of talking to me on the phone a lot, he's texting me just every few hours, which no big deal. We're busy. I have a job. He has a job. So I didn't think much of it. And then something he used to do was when he'd work nights. He'd call me on the phone.

and we talked, he stopped doing that. And I was like, okay, on top of that, he, when we would hang out, he stopped, um, just, it felt very friends only. Like, it wasn't, he wasn't trying to like be intimate, but for a period of time, him texting you every few hours felt less. Yes. Let me say, like, we went from texting pretty consistently. Yes, constantly or like when we could. It felt very much like, yeah, like texting, he only texted back like three times that day in a span of all day. But I was drastically different than... Drastically different.

And I still didn't say anything, though, because I am fully self-aware that I have really bad anxiety and I'm an overthinker. So because of that, I will convince myself not to say, not to, like I'll convince myself I'm overthinking something. So I waited like a week of this happening. And I was like,

okay, I guess it's time. And I still even asked my friends before I texted. I was like, hey, do you all think this is weird? Like, am I overthinking this? And they said, no, there's a,

there's like a definitely a shift. You need to see what's going on. So I just texted him. I was very chill about it because I was about to leave for a work thing too. So I wanted to get this figured out before. So I just kind of sent him a nice little text. It's like, hey, like, I'm not trying to like make you feel uncomfortable, but I just kind of notice there's a shift. Do you mind like, are we on the same page? What's going on? Or is something going on with you? Like, are you okay? And it wasn't until I said that that he goes, hey, thank you for being honest. I really thought I wanted a relationship, but it's starting to

look like I just don't have the time. And what I'm about to say made me very frustrated because he said, I just can't give you the relationship that you want. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa here. You're the one that said all this. You're the one that did all these crazy things. How am I asking for something? And so I was like, okay, understandable, you're busy, I'm busy.

That's fine. We can still just be friends. But I just want to be clear because he was saying things like, I just don't want to hurt you in the future. And I was like, okay, that's fine. I was like, so are we like, I just want to be very clear with your intentions. Are we done? Like, are we just going to be friends only? And I guess I still want to hang out with you. And I was like, that doesn't answer my question. If we hang out, is it friends? Or is it potentially more in the future, no matter how long that is? I was like, I don't want to have any expectations or false hope. Like, I'm just being very honest and vulnerable here. And he was like,

let's just hang out as friends and see if there's more. And I was like, okay. And then we, after we texted a little more for a week after that and you just never talked to me again. So in that moment, right? I want you to think back to that moment. Yes. Okay. When he's just like saying all this. Mm-hmm.

What made you say okay? I think I was just so over it. Oh, you mean like the part of him saying like, I still want to hang out or? And you were like, yeah, okay, let's try this. Like what made you do that? I mean, I definitely liked him. And so I think, and looking back now, I should have been just like no. And I do care about him because I've,

known him for a long time and he's a good guy. I was just like maybe I was like you know what maybe it is just he's a super busy he's super busy right now but maybe if we keep hanging out and he's in a better place we could see if there's more I think that's a little naive of me and at this point looking back other than like you know a couple boxes on a list that he checked so to speak like what were you really excited about when it came to a future with this guy we have the same type of humor and so we got along really well I was very comfortable with him just because we just, he's just, we could talk for hours. I think that's something I really appreciated. Like, we didn't have to be, we would watch TV, but for the most part, like, we didn't have

to be watching a TV or be distracted by something to enjoy each other's company. Like, we were able to just sit there and talk and talk about whatever we wanted. We would have really good conversations. I loved his family. We kind of shared the same ideas and beliefs and stuff, which I don't mind having different beliefs with people, but it's just nice to kind of talk. Yeah, you had common ground. We had common ground on a lot of things. And we agreed on a lot of things. And we agreed on a lot of things. And he's just genuinely like he has a good heart. Even to this day, he has a good heart. He's just not boyfriend material, which is fine. And so there was just, I saw a potential of a really good, strong foundation for something. And I think that's why I was still holding on when I shouldn't

have. But I still did agree to hang out, but we never did. And he stopped talking to me all together. So there we are. Jokes on me. So you haven't like spoken to them since that point? No. No. No, we talked on and off. Oh, this was in like probably, our last conversation was in the beginning of October. Okay. And it was like just still kind of texting, but not a lot. And then he just never responded to one of my texts.

And I just didn't push it. Like, I'm not going to keep trying, obviously. I have some self-respect. I'm sure you got more than some. Okay. So other than this situation, like, why other than it just like being, okay, I'm bummed. Why do you think you're cursed?

Like, oh, because this just keeps happening. Before him, I was dating another guy, completely different guy. Like, it's not like I even go for the same type. I try my best to, like, kind of venture out. Before him earlier in the year, I was actually dating this guy. Like, we were official and had labels. And it was a musician for a band. We would talk about our future.

We dated for probably four months. So sorry, two and four, not three, but same vibe. And I went on tour with him for a weekend. And he met my dad. and we, you know, spending a lot of time with him on weekends. He lived an hour away, so we would have to like plan times together. And it was the same thing. We're both busy.

He's on a world tour. I'm working in nine to five. So we have to kind of work with each other. And he was very intentional. How successful was this musician who had a world tour? Oh, not. I mean, like, don't we're wrong. It wasn't like it.

The band, the singer's good. I wouldn't say he's like crazy popular. How was he? Oh, this, the guy I was. seeing he's 27, turning 28 situation. Two years older than me, roughly. We were doing great in my head. Like, everything was fine.

I was really liking this guy. It's probably like the most serious relationship I've had in two years. And then on top of that, everything's going great. We're texting that morning, two hours like go by. And he just randomly text me, hey, I'm moving to Nashville. And I'm like, I'm sorry. What? And I was like, what are you talking about?

And he said, it's something I've been thinking about for a while now. It was like, since when? That's news to me. He said, I just really need to advance my music career. I hope you understand, but obviously we're not going to be able to work out. I was like, okay, thanks. So I agreed with him in the sense of I don't want that longer distance of a relationship, but still at the same time, just completely blindsiding me,

never once knew he wanted to go to Nashville. And so I just keep getting in these situations where in my head, like I keep saying in my head because that's how crazy I feel in my head. Everything's great. I have no indication that they're not interested. They're purposely doing these things to show interest. And then out of nowhere in the blink of an eye, it's completely like, actually, I don't, can't pursue this. And it's not your fault.

It's something that you can't control. And it just those same things keep happening, whether it's, I'm moving, I got a new job, you know, I thought I had time for a relationship, but I don't. and you're a really great person and I hate that. This is the case or just those same typical things. And they're never something I do. And if it is, they're just not honest with me. So how can I fix something that's not broken if I don't know that's broken in a sense, you know?

Yeah. I mean, it's tough. I don't know. More than anything, it could just be bad luck. A little bit of that. Now, if we were trying to like get granular and try to like, get granular and try to, like, like figure out what you can control and what you can't control. I mean, in these situations, do you look back when you think about common denominator outside of just like, yeah,

okay, it's me. But what specifically when you look back on these two relationships, what do you think are themes with them, with them? With them specifically. Not so much them, but like the situations, how you feel with these guys, the pace in which these go. I do think the biggest thing is probably the pace. Like, I've noticed. And it's like, I don't put myself out there that much. And it takes a lot for me to like somebody. So I don't, I don't pursue guys. It's just not in my nature. I'm just not like that. So the guys that this keeps happening to are the guys that pursue me and pursue me hard. And they start very quickly. And I think that could be a problem in the sense of, I don't want to say love bombing, but it's just very much so, so intentional.

so overwhelming and affectionate, so quick that maybe they scare themselves. How quickly, you know, you're like, it takes me a lot to like a guy. These guys pursue me aggressively, intentionally. How quickly once you're like, I don't kind of think I like this guy, do you let your guard down and just kind of be like, all right, well, okay, I like you. You clearly like me. Literally. Like, let's let's do this, you know, like how.

at that point, are you just fully like in it then? Yes. I will say it's very situational. It just depends on like how much we can see. Like if it's someone that I'm seeing a couple times a week, you know, that's obviously going to progress longer than it is the other one. But it usually takes me a good like, if I do end up like in the person, I'm usually in it by like a good couple, three weeks in.

I'm like, okay, like I really like this guy now. Like he's very sweet to me. We have a lot in common, things like that. And at that point, I kind of just catch on to the pace that they're at. And I'm like, okay, he really likes me. I'm starting to like him. I'm just going to follow him and see where this goes. But maybe that is the problem.

Maybe I also join them on that and they don't like that. Maybe they don't realize they're moving fast with me. And so when I follow their pace, they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, you know. Yeah. I think more than anything, I think you need to get this narrative out of your head that you were cursed or you're unlucky or that you're doing something wrong, you know, like I'm sure we can nitpick and you can try to make adjustments and we can try things out. Nothing I'm going to like say is going to be like, all right, go do this and it's going to solve all your problems and oh my God.

You know, like I think, yeah, dating's hard and it's discouraging and it's frustrating. And then when these situations happen, it's hard not to get really discouraged, you know, and feel that fatigue and give up. I think you just can't like make it about you in that way because like, you know, you're not doing it. You know, obviously there's these situations with these guys who are you know, being flaky and there's like, you know, the boys will be boys, so to speak in a not so great way. But yeah, I think more than anything, you just have to try not to get too discouraged, which is, I know, frustrating. Yeah. And I think that's what, when I talk to my friends about it, That's why I obviously sent a submission in because I just have my friends.

Like the only people I talk to are my friends about it. And so they're obviously biased. And so I was like, I just kind of need like a non-biased person who doesn't, you know, who's not trying to, who can be honest with me about these things. So it's nice to hear. And my friends pretty much say the same thing. Yeah, it's hard not to get frustrated because at the end of the day, I think I get more mad about the pattern than I do about the breakup or the end of a situation.

Just one thing. Like when you say you're friends, right? you say you're from the south general area, right? You know, and you have these friends you grew up with and you got to know, I'm willing to guess that despite these friends being your friends, and I'm sure you have a lot in common and these people, these are women you grew up with or maybe some guy friends, yada, yada. I bet you're a little different than them in a good way.

Or like you have different expectations of yourself. You know, the friends who settle down and got married early and, you know, hopefully they're all happy. Like, you love them, and I'm sure there's aspects of the culture you grew up in that you appreciate and enjoy, but like, you're unique in a good way, right? Like, would that be safe to say? I guess what I'm saying is this like I grew up. And my friends say that all the time.

Like my friends are very big on that. Like, I will say one thing about me that as I'm still, you know, working on my career. Like I'm about to go into grad school, if you will, to further my career and get that going. So, I mean, I am still career focused and I'm doing stuff with gigs and all that. Like, I do have all these ideas. I don't, I'm from a small town, but I live in a bigger city. So maybe that's also where the disconnect is and I'm not like constantly surrounded by that mentality still. Yeah. I guess this is the point I'm trying to make is this be careful to compare, right, yourself to people that aren't your equals. And I don't mean equal like better or worse,

just different, right? You want different things in some of your friends. You have different expectations of yourself than some of your friends. You have different dreams and interest than some of your friends, right? And some of those dreams and interests don't necessarily align with their interests, right? And maybe those interests allow them to, like, I don't know, be more content with the relationships they were in and allow them to settle down early, which is great for them. But for you, it's like, you know, I also, I have this great, like, hobby and music that I love and I'm passionate about and it takes up a lot of my time and I enjoy it and you you have just different dreams, you know, and I think that's okay. You should be proud of that.

And I want you to acknowledge that in the sense that where it's just like, it doesn't mean you can't find relationships and it doesn't mean you can't have both, but sometimes it's just like you are not, you have different priorities than some of your friends that have already settled down. Oh, 1,000%. Right. And so be careful not to compare your yourself with people that are not your equals. It's like, you know. Yeah, no, I completely see where coming from. I completely, I think I do need to be more kind to myself in that route. I mean, I know the, yeah, I know the feeling. It's just like when you look from like 30,000 feet above and you're just like, I'm the only one left who's not married, which is a true statement

in your world. But like, you know, there's so many other variables in that comparison that you're discarding or just not, you know, giving credit to that allow yourself to feel less than or feel behind or feel like you're not, there's something different or wrong with you or you feel unlucky compared to the people who have settled down. But like you have different dreams and hopes. And I, you know, when I was growing up in Wisconsin, a big part of me was just like all my friends. You know, same values. I wanted the same things. But there was always a part of me that wanted a little bit more and I was you know I always liked bigger cities and I I liked culture maybe and I was more curious than maybe some of my other friends were about things but that kind of kept me exploring

that kept me like pushing for more that kept me wanting to is this is this it for me you know should I pursue other dreams and I think that that definitely played a role and how a lot of my friends ended up getting engaged and I broke up with my girlfriend at the time and I was like, you know, in my early 30s, kind of like in this transitional part of my life, being like, you know, I got to get out of Milwaukee, you know, and I left, right? But it was, it was hard not to compare myself to them and it was hard not to feel left behind. But like, I wasn't looking for the same thing, some of my same things at that time my friends were looking for. No, I completely agree. And so I think it's just give yourself the credit you deserve

for pursuing the dreams that you are brave enough to pursue and make sure that you're enjoying the things that you love, especially when you're feeling down. Because I just, yeah, I don't want you to, you know, it's like you're only 26. And, yes, compared to some of your friends you grew up with, it's easy to feel behind. But like, you don't want what they want.

And I think that's important for you to remind yourself and acknowledge and feel good about what you're chasing and what you're going for and what you're pursuing. because that's really... And I'm canceling therapy this week. That's just really important to do. Yeah, I appreciate that because I am very critical, I guess, in a way. And I don't, it's hard for me not look at the big picture.

Sometimes I get very honed in on a specific aspect. Yeah, we all do. As those people do. Yeah. I wasn't giving myself that advice when I was, you know, being pessimistic about, you know, my love life and things like that. So yeah, just remember that. That's, I mean, probably more than thing, that's the most important thing because a lot of, a lot of it is bad luck, you know? Yeah.

Naring down into some of these relationships, like, listen, I mean, it's probably nothing I haven't said before. But unfortunately, guys now more than ever are maturing slower than they ever have been in the history of the world. Notice a trend. Yeah. And that's, that's a bummer. And it's not like, men, we're maturing. that quickly even before things got worse. And it's a tough balance, right?

Because you don't want to become cynical and you don't want to become the person who like just doubts all men. You want to be, have the freedom to like someone when you like them. I get it. You want to be like, all right. Well,

like I don't want to constantly be doubting someone. But I think there's a fine line between being this negative, cynical, pessimistic person in every dating situation you're in versus, you know, you still being intentional and you still having your guardrails and boundaries as things progress and still being able to dictate terms at the pace that you want to go. You mentioned like I want a guy to lead and set the pace and maybe that's the problem. And there probably is a bit of a problem there. Yeah.

You know, in the sense that. I've thought that before for sure. You know, because here it's like I don't want to pursue a guy. I want to pursue me. Great. Fine. You know, like typical like, you know, as I think a lot of women. and do, like, would prefer to be pursued, right?

I will say, I don't think it's even more of, like, I want a guy to pursue me. I just think it's like, I just don't do it. Like, it's just not some, it's just not in my nature to go after something. So for the most part, it's just the guys that pursue me are the ones I end up seeing. But there's got to be something internally that it's just like, I don't like doing this. I'm not going to do it. All right. And then he does it.

And then when these men do this thing and perceive, perceived to be really intense. intentional and thoughtful and deliberate for a period of time. There's something inside of you that says, all right, this is enough to like let all my guards down. Oh, yeah. And just move forward. And internally, it feels like a reasonable amount of time. Maybe it's like four good weeks of a guy really, you know, just all these green flags.

But as you've heard me say before, it's just that's not a great deal amount of time. No, it's not. you know, rewind five or 10 years, it would be, right, in certain situations. But now with dating culture and the abundance of options and choice and things like that, you're meeting a lot of men who like the idea of settling down and like the idea of having a family and like the idea of being that person. But yeah, they don't realize what that maybe it takes, you know? Yes. And then they meet you, their fault go. And then you. They'll go. And then you. things go well and you're having dinner with parents and things like that. And then, yeah,

it moves at a pace where it gets too serious for them. And I think probably when you decide you like a guy, you still really need to be very cautious and still, I think that's when you really need to dictate terms. Okay. Even men with the biggest of personalities in the, you know, who the elf males or whatever, you know, you know, it's just like even those guys, I think deep down want to find everyone wants to find their equal right and especially guys like a challenge and young men like a challenge

and there is a bit of game playing early in relationships and I know everyone says they don't like to play games but it is what it is. Yeah. And maybe you're just not playing the game correctly. 1,000%

you know. And again like a lot of it is this like maybe some of these guys you might be like you know what, I'm not going to date a 24-year-old guy. Variables are different. You knew this guy. There's a level of comfort. Maybe he felt more mature for his age than he was 24.

But like the reality is, is like a guy who lives with his parents who's 24. Yeah. Is this clearly like maybe not ready for the big picture stuff, you know? Like maybe he's not as independent. Like to me that says this is a guy who wants to be independent. Maybe he has a lot of potential to be independent. Has the right idea and the right plans. But he's this not there.

yet. Yeah. And that's a sign of a guy who probably thinks, you know, is testing the waters on things and then realize it. And the signs are, you know, the next guy you, you, you, you date and you're like, oh, you live with your parents. And it's just like, oh, my God. You know, it's just like that again. Yeah. You know, maybe the next guy who lives with his parents is your husband. I don't know. It's like you can't, every, every situation is different. But I do think it is fair to see things as red flans or green. flags, you know, and be wrong, but you can still be like, I don't know. Like, everyone wants to prove, especially early in dating situations, that they're not the cliche, you know, I'm different than the rest, right?

So early on, people are always proving that they're, I guess, better than they are. Or they want to be. I mean, right? Yeah, absolutely. So we all do it. Yeah. So I just think it's just really important early on to still be, you know, to get them to keep chasing you in a way.

Okay. And it's, I know, it sounds annoying and silly and frustrating. Yeah, no, but I completely understand. Yeah.

Because I think, yeah, it's the, I make them chase, I make them chase. I'm unavailable. They clearly love this chase, right? This,

like, I don't know if she's going to like me. I don't know. She's very pretty. I don't know if like, oh, what, and then,

oh my gosh, she likes me. And then at that point, you get very like, yeah, I like you. And you get very accommodating and very intentional.

And these are like, probably healthy behaviors you're trying to demonstrate, but they're just like, yeah, she likes me. That was, that wasn't that, okay, I mean,

she's, I'm in control now, you know, and these, and this idea that this early on, these men who just a few weeks ago, were wondering if you liked them, and hoping you would give them a chance,

are now texting with you all day long, on the phone constantly. It becomes this routine. and now they quickly forget that this was a woman who was like not giving them the time of day or they thought there's just no way she's going to like me and now they just feel very much in control that situation and I think for a lot of people

and a lot of especially young men it just gets less exciting for them. Now more than anything, what's really important with these situations is like you shouldn't be doing things differently to get them to like you more. That's what I was going to say. I was like, but is that even working?

it because that just sounds so toxic. Like, do I even want a guy? Do I even want to try to be with a guy that only want, like, where I have to make them chase? The only difference here is you want to do things differently so that you feel in control when things don't work out. Because right now, you feel like you don't have control, right? So you play hard to get, you play hard to get, you agree to like, you tell yourself you like

them and then you allow yourself, you put all your guardrails down, you feel comfortable with them, and then you get lost in the sauce, you know, you're like, you feel safe enough to be comfortable, and then they pull the rug out of you. And regardless of how you really feel about them, and regardless of the real potential, that's when your ego kicks in. And you're just like, well, I'm a loser. They broke up with me? Like, how could they break up with me? They're the one chasing me. It's just like, you know, it just fucks with your emotions. It fucks with your heads. You know, and it really changes the reality of the situation.

I, you know, because you're right, like this 24-year-old guy or this 27-year-old musician who, you know, is still pursuing a music career or a career that's obviously highly competitive as I'm sure you know. And like, he can be on a world tour and still be like, not that big of a deal, you know? Yeah, and that was the case. So competitive, right? but like he's close enough to be able to like chase that dream and maybe he has a couple moments where it's like I could really do this thing right and then he meets someone is like you need it you need to be in Nashville man that's where all the music's happening you know and he's like yeah I kind of do this when I'm saying is like you could be dating these men in these periods of time where in the in the past

you would let your guard down I would like to see you still kind of have that will see you know not be always available not be you know you dictate terms and the pattern on which they reach out. You know, sometimes you're just not available, even if you are, you know, maybe you're just like, why, I've known this guy, we've been dating for two weeks. Why are we texting all day long? I agree with that. Yeah.

And so that way you can see how they respond and how they handle, like, you being less available. And I think you still pay attention to their behaviors and signs so that, like, I want you to come to the realization that these aren't the men for you before they. they come to the realization and then you can feel more in control and less, you know. Yeah. Tortured. Or cursed.

Mentally tortured. Cursed, as you said, you know, like, because you're probably not cursed. You're just. Yeah, no, I mean, obviously. It's just a ongoing running joke that I have said for years now because it just can't stop that. But you got to stop. You got to stop with the narrative.

Those narratives that we tell ourselves in our head are very powerful. And I think we joke about them and we're like, oh, you know, I tell myself. But like, that really, that really, that. really matters, you know, these narratives we put in our head. I really believe that we, we manifest our reality to a certain degree. And so if you tell yourself your curse, if you tell yourself all these negative self-limiting beliefs, they become true, you know. You say it so many times you make it a reality. Yeah. Rather than having the narrative of, I'm very comfortable with who I am, I'm very comfortable with my choices. I know what I want

for myself, you know, and I'm committed to pursuing those dreams. I'm still open and available and willing to date, and I have the capacity and the time to do that while I pursue my dreams. That being said, I'm not for everybody. These people won't fit into my life the way I want them to. Again, it's really about you being in control of your life. And I think the more confidence you have about the choices you're making for yourself and knowing that, you know, you're the priority, your life and then finding that balance between how does my life fit in with a relationship that's going to require a lot of work with the dreams that I have. But just feeling good about your choices, I think that will stop you from, there's something that's happening where you, the girl, you know,

in you that grew up and went to high school with these other women in this community, you know, it's, and then these guys who flake, you forget all these other things that you're doing. Yes, 100%. You stop being proud of what you're doing. You stop being proud of what you're accomplishing. You stop, you know, when you compare yourself to your friends, it's just that I'm single, they're not. They're not, they're not doing that you're like, well, I'm doing this and they're not doing

that. I'm pursuing this. They've never done this. They're asking me all these questions about this. They're excited about my life. They complain about their husbands, yada, yada, yada. All these, you're just, you're comparing, but like you're cherry picking what you're comparing in a way that makes you feel less.

then and makes them feel like they have more than you. Yes. That reality is false. Yeah, I've definitely caught myself letting being single become my whole identity. And I like have to take a step back. I be like, that is like such a little tiny part of my life. Yeah. So like I have to remind myself that multiple times.

It's just sometimes it gets hard, obviously. Yeah, no, it's, there's nothing I can say that's going to make it less discouraging. Oh, 1,000%. But yeah, I think that's the biggest thing for you, um, is, to really, in these situations, ask yourself, okay, what do I need to do to feel in control? And I think you should, I guess what I was trying to say is, like, you got to find that common ground that makes both a you feel that he's still kind of leading the charge. It's like I want him to feel like he's in control, but you're secretly behind the wheels,

being like, yeah, I mean, I'll let you think you're in control, but I'm very much in control of my dating life, then I will decide how things go for me, and I will decide when we move at a different pace, you know, in that situation where you asked, how are things going? And he almost like kind of felt gaslighty, where he was like, thanks for being honest and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's a key, like, that key moment, I want you to be like, yeah, it's frustrating, but like, thanks for your honesty, I'm good, you're right. You don't want I want. It's like when someone says you're looking for something that I'm not ready for, it feels like a rejection. It feels like a, you know, it feels like he's just giving you some bullshit line.

It is a bullshit line. It is a bullshit line. But it's also not. But it's also not untrue, right? Oh, yeah. And if it would have come from you and if you would have realized that first, you would have felt way more in control of this situation. You would have been way less sad. And you've been like, I don't know.

It's like, he's cool. He's nice. And I've known him for a while. He's a really sweet guy. we have a lot in common, but honestly, like, it just kind of gives me the ick doing this. And it's like, I don't know. It's just like, he's a little too not as independent as I thought. And he has some growing up to do.

And it's like, he's nice, but like, I don't know if this is my guy. Yeah. And the situation is exactly the same, but you feel completely different because of your attitude about this relationship. You're on a date with someone, right? You're learning about them. They're like, oh, I live with my parents. You don't have to be like, run, but some of these guys, I guess what I'm saying is you must be just ignoring red flags. And not like red flags where it's just like he's potentially verbally abusive or something.

It just could be like a red flag for you, which is like if you feel really ready to be intentional and committed to really, and it sounds like you are. It sounds like you feel like you know what you need to do in a relationship when you're ready for that relationship. and that you have the capacity to pursue your dreams and still give the appropriate amount of priority and energy to the relationship that's right for you. Right? Yeah, no, 1,000%. But even though you like a guy that doesn't mean he's ready or that the relationship's ready, and I think you still have to be willing to like a guy, be curious about him, be excited

about its potential, and still acknowledge that we're still feeling each other out. You know, he is especially, I think a lot of people do this, but especially young men, you know, and they're like, oh, he says he wants a family and this. When they say all the right things early on, they're trying it out. They're like, they're like, they're like, that's such a good way of looking at that. You're just like, well, let me see how this feels to say this to you. Well, it's pretty good. You know, they like the idea. I've never thought of it like that. That makes so much sense now, actually. It's more of like free trial, not the subscription.

Yeah. I mean, like, you know, here they meet you. They're like, oh, I'm attracted to her, you know, you. You, like, the same way you're on a date and you're just like, you're checking off all these boxing in your head, green flag, green flag, they're doing the same thing to you, you know? And they check enough of green flags. early on. They get really excited. And then they start like trying things out, you know, in terms of saying things. And again, it doesn't mean it's a lie. They do want those things someday.

Someday. You know, and they think that and then they meet you and they're like, wow, she's really great. You know, maybe I want it with her, you know. But something about you changes to them. And I think that is, and the thing that changes probably is you become this like, I don't know if I can get her, this kind of unicorn person that they're pursuing and pursuing aggressively. And then it almost overnight feels like, oh, well, that wasn't as hard as I thought. Yeah. That's fair.

You know, and it's shitty. But like, yeah, they probably lose a little interest, you know, and their friends invite them to, you know, a 24-year-old guy. And he's just like, we're going to some trip. And his friends are like, you, you're going to bring your girlfriend? I'm like, I'm never, you know, and he's just like, I don't know if I want a girlfriend. And maybe, you know, he's on the apps and he swiped again and he saw another girl and things like that. And he's like, well, maybe I'm not ready to settle down.

And maybe I don't want a girlfriend why I live with my parents, you know, and he could have realized that after the fact, you know. So it's, I know this is all just very frustrating. But it is trying to still be okay with learning that even though I like this guy, I still might discover something I don't like. Yes. And I think you've probably never experienced a situation where you liked a guy. And then like you go from this like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know to, all right, I like them, I'm going to go for it.

And like, have you ever ended a relationship? I have, yes. Early on in dating or after it was like a long, like in this situation, right? Like we're in the first couple months. Yeah, yeah. It was the same thing. First couple months. It was a guy that I had known in high school, but we didn't start. We didn't date until we were older. It was going great. He pursued me all the same things. But this time I broke up. We were actually dating officially. It was like for three month period, actually, specifically. And he just was kind of doing the same thing, acting a little weird. And then I actually had this surgery, like major surgery where I couldn't walk, really. And so I was back at home at my hometown recovering from that. And he was supposed to come see me.

And he kept blowing me off. And I was like, okay, I always go to see you like because he was in school still. He was older than me, but he was in school because he was still continuing his education. So I was always kind of having to do. most of the worked instance of seeing him because I was very mindful of his situation. So this is like the one time I needed him to kind of pull through for me and he didn't. And so I just kind of was like, that was my last straw. And so I did like break up with him.

And I was like, I just don't think you are ready for this. Like I don't think you have the time for it. And he said, yeah, you're right. And I hate that. I wish I would have thought of that sooner. It was also another long distance relationship. It was an hour just the other way. And so I would drive on the weekends.

Like I was already out of call. I was freshly out of college when we first started dating. And I was already working, uh, in my career. And it was a nine to five. So I would get off on that Friday. And I would drive up there and I'd spend the weekend with him and all that. And I was doing that way more than he was coming down here. That was my question too.

Yeah. It was very me going over there. Is that, yeah, in long distance relationships, is it you usually going to them? Yes. And are they helping pay? for your travel at all? No. You're doing it all.

I'm doing it all. Okay. Yeah. I mean, that's another little thing. Yeah. No, definitely. My friends get on to me about it a lot. But I was in my head.

I'm like, yeah, but he's in school. Like, I already, I can have the weekend to do that. But that is an example of there's nothing wrong with him. There's nothing wrong with you. Yeah. But if you have to make concessions to accommodate this relationship, so much so that it becomes one-sided in its efforts. Regardless of it's a valid reason, if nothing else, that should tell you, this person isn't capable of meeting me halfway, even if it's valid.

Yeah. You know, he doesn't have the money. He doesn't have the time. He's in school. I'm doing all the work here. And even if he wanted to, he couldn't. So, you know, like this, you know what I'm saying? So it's little things like that that you probably could identify a little sooner.

You mentioned earlier that you're you're having anxiety and you're an overthinker. You know, many of us are like that, right? I think probably though, anxiety is a signal to you about maybe something your body's telling you. The overthinking that probably happens is you not listening to your gut and you trying to convince yourself that, well, that's not this, it's that. you know, oh, he can't afford it. I'm going to, I'm going to drive there. And then I have anxiety the whole trip while I'm there because, like, my friends are like, why are you doing this?

And you're like, but I want to see them. And like, but you're kind of ignoring listening to yourself. That's where you feel that anxiety because you're doing something that your body says, hold on, Autumn. Like, why are we doing this? Yeah. You know, and that's probably where the lot of anxiety comes from. I think a lot of people who identify themselves as overthinkers discount their gut.

You know, it's like, well, I overthink too much. it's like, you know, I don't want to trust my gut because I'm overthinking. That's literally what I say all the time. More than anything, it's probably, it's just like, I'm not listening to my gut. It's causing the anxiety. I'm over to think, you know, and you doubt yourself. I think you really, I think you really start, need to start slowing down a little bit and really thinking about that initial feeling you feeling about any situation and listening

to that feeling and not try to convince yourself that you're wrong. Okay. That's fair. Even if you want something. Yeah, because I do have a constant problem where I don't trust myself. Like, because I am an overthinking. I don't trust myself sometimes because I'm like, am I overthinking this or is this a real problem? But do you feel like you're listening to yourself at first?

I guess like what do you mean in that way? Well, I mean, these situations, right, where you're driving, you know, long distance, you're driving to them. You know, like, is there a part of you when I know it's hard to think back that like it felt wrong that you were always going to them, for example? I think in the beginning it didn't because obviously we're in that like lovey-dovey era. And so I'm like, I just want to see him and I know he's in school. Like that's my way of being a good, being intentional.

Like in my head, I'm like, that's me being intentional. Like I want to let him know like I'm here for him. But the first time where it goes, man, I've been doing this a lot. Yeah, that's when I, that's before. Yeah, that's what led to the breakup is when I started feeling that way. and my friends on top of it being like, hey, like, it feels like you always have to, even my family, being like, hey, you always have to go there. Like, that doesn't feel right. Like, I know he's in school, but he doesn't work either. Like, he could easily come on the weekends on times that he's not

studying, like, or he could study at your house, you know, like, why are, why is this happening? And that's when I kind of like, open my eyes a little bit and was like, man, that is kind of weird. And then the one time that I really needed him to come down here. And he promised me he, he, he would and then flaked on me twice. And the one time he was going to really come, he told me at first it was going to be like three days long since he to make up for it and then told me before he left. Like, I'm only coming like for the day. And so I just told him not to come at all.

Okay. And so we just kind of ended it there. I really think you're just not trusting your initial instincts as much as. Yeah, I think you're right. Could be. Yeah, I think you know what I'm saying. No, 1,000%. No, I completely agree with you.

Like, even as we're talking about it in the, back in my head, I'm like, man, this sounds kind of crazy as I'm saying it. I can't believe I didn't. There's just a little bit of things before. Yeah, you got to find that balance that like, again, back to the game playing, where the men that you're dating, even after they've pursued you and you've agreed to and said, okay, I'm open to this. I like you. This is interesting. This is fun. In fact, I'm kind of excited. You still have to be able to find a way that allows these guys to still chase you, you know, to still pursue you. You know, pursuing you for a couple weeks, shouldn't give anyone, especially with all the things you have going on in your life

and all the dreams that you have for yourself, it shouldn't be that easy to have all this access to you. No guy you go on a date with after the first or second date should be like, she really likes me. Yeah. She's obsessed with me, you know. Because it's usually me saying that to my friends. She loves me. He's obsessed with me. I was like, well, he is early on. But then you, then you're like, I don't need to be giving it back. Yeah. Yeah. It's just, it's, it's, you just have to not go all in right away. You're presenting an entirely different person than they pursued. But a lot of these guys, more importantly, aren't, aren't your guys. And so it's not about, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's so to speak, the narrative of all my friends are married and I'm not is part of the reason why

you are saying yes to men who are not ready to have what you want. And you were open to listening to a guy convince himself that he is and then feeling special because he's doing it for you. Rather than being like, is he really capable of giving me what I want? You know, I'm doing all this work, I am putting all this energy in my life and my dreams, I'm not going to give that up for just anyone, just because they say the right thing in a two-week period of time and get excited about me. You know, I want you to have the attitude. Of course she's going to be excited about me. I'm hot. Like, who wouldn't want to date me? Like, I'm, like, I might not be for every guy, but I am every guy's, like, dream girl in the first month, you know, like, you know what I'm

saying like because guys are simple and if they're physically attracted to you they'd be like oh my god she's great and she's nice and she's fun and she's funny and i love her you know it's like it doesn't take much for a guy at first to get really excited about someone right to really get a guy lock in and i think really just anyone is to have that build that emotional connection to really feel like you know they rely on you you know but you have to be careful not to like try to make that happen overnight you know it really It has to be a slow burn, you know? Yes, okay. They have to feel like they can,

they have to earn your willingness to give up your very precious time with all the other things you have going on. And I think in the first six months, maybe even longer, the men that you're dating should feel that a little bit. They should feel still very lucky to be dating you. And they should still in the, you know,

they can be dating you, they can be going out, there can be consistency, there can be progress, and there can still be a level of like uncertainty from them because, you know, you're just busy. Your dreams that you have, you should be talking about them with these guys and be very clear that where your priorities lie.

And I think your actions show that they meet this girl, she's in a band, she's doing these cool things, she has his career, she's, you know, doing higher education things. And that's the girl that they're pursuing. and then they you start dating and I wonder if you're not talking about those things enough enough is as much as you're talking about your future with them that's fair I think in reality it just goes from them aggressively pursuing you to like playing house yeah you know it's like they went from wondering if you're going to be interested in them to like I do puzzles on a Friday night with

my girlfriend. Yeah. You know, and it's just like, you're like, you know, yeah, I think you still have to like date and not just open up your world to these men so quickly and also not try to fit into their life so quickly, you know? That's, yeah. I'm going to drive to him. He, you know, he doesn't have, you know, it's just like there is a bit of an imbalance. But I think you, you're, you're, sensing that. And it sounds like the things I'm saying, you're kind of agreeing with. So I think next time this happens, check in with yourself a little bit more, listen to your body and your gut in that initial feeling. Something happens. So a guy says or does something. What is that initial feeling? Does this feel right? Does this feel wrong? And trust that. Don't try to overanalyze that.

Don't doubt yourself. Be like, well, no, I'm overthinking in. I don't know. It's how you feel. It's how your body feels in that moment early on. And your instincts are almost certainly right. and I think you're not listening to that, you know? I'm not, no, especially like when the office and we're talking about the other guy, like the guy that lived his parents, like, even as I was telling you, and I was like, he was like talking about our future and I was like, but like I ignored it. So I was like, he's just a genuine sweet guy and he has good intentions.

But that was my gut being like, hey, that's a little wild to start like already asking questions like that. Definitely probably still, like you said, still a genuine sweet guy with still good intentions who still wants to get married someday, you know? Yeah. It just got too real, too fast for him. And somewhere along the line, the challenge went out the door. And he felt very much in control.

And he felt like if he were to move forward, it was like, this is, I'm going to have to marry this person. Yeah. You know, but again, like, this was not a guy that you, you know, thank God it worked. Yeah. Yeah. Don't be wrong. I've never looked back in any of these and been like, that was my future husband. Like, no, like obviously looking back, I'm like, okay, it was not.

that was not the person for me anyway. And like I said before, like it's not that I'm, I'm more frustrated just about the pattern than I am the guys. Like the rejection obviously hurts. Who doesn't it hurt? But it's like I said,

it's so fast. Like it's the relationship doesn't last long. It's not like I'm heartbroken. I'm just more like, why does this keep happening? Yeah. I think it's because in that, there's that courting process

and there's the honeymoon kind of dating early process and there's actually being in a relationship. And it's that middle part that you're kind of fucking up, it sounds like. Yep. No, yeah, 1,000 percent. And you're trying to, like, as we're talking about it. You're just kind of skipping that part.

You're going from the courting process to like, all right, well, that's this, that's like, intentionality, you're confusing with playing house. I think that's, as we're talking, it's, that's very fair. I never really looked at it like that. Intentionality, you know, it's just like, yeah, he's literally never like taken the time to drive an hour. I mean, like money or time or whatever. If, you know, you'll know a guy really likes you when you're like, hey, listen, I'm really,

I got a lot going on. I can't come this weekend. If you want to see me, you can come here. And I'll try to have some time. And even then, you should be cautious. Yeah. But he'll come and see you. He'll find the time.

He'll find the money. He'll make the time. You have to be willing to allow these guys to keep showing you that they are really excited about you and they are willing to go out of their way. Long after you say, okay, yeah. I like you. Yeah. I'm just blown away because I can't believe it.

I've just now, I just like, I've never even thought about that. I've just always been like, well, they show their intentions. So now I'm going to show mine. I've never thought of it like,

okay. I've never, I just never thought of it that way of where they now have the power because I'm the one. It's like we flip the script. Yeah. No, I mean,

listen, power dynamics and relationships are constantly changing. You know, in every relationship, like that power dynamic. And I think we always have to be mindful of that. And especially, early on where you don't have that security and that emotional connection or that actual

life together where you're you're you're mutually invested in a common goal you know you have a family together you know you know yeah things like that where you're really bound together you know um and you are you are acting probably like you are bound together with this guy where there's actually no real thing that's keeping you guys together i know and it makes me sound crazy. No, it's not, no, it's not you. You got to get that narrative out of your here. You're not crazy. You're not doing anything wrong. You're in a bad situation. That situation being the trash dating scene that is 2025 that's been ruined by the internet and social media and dating apps and how, you know, just everyone has the perception of unlimited options. And, you know, 25 years ago,

a guy would meet you, get really excited. Couldn't believe he met someone like, you in a small community or whatever and be like, this is insane. But now he meets you and then he, you know, he goes on a trip with his friends. You don't talk for a couple days. He peaks on the apps and he matches with someone. He's like, oh, she likes me too, you know?

And like that just fucks up dating, you know, and it sucks. More than anything, like I said earlier in the call, you have to be more confident in your choices and what you're pursuing and be proud of what you've accomplished up into this point in your life, feel good about the fact that you are chasing things that, not that you're better or worse than your friends, but like you, you're different and you want different things and you're not them. And if you wanted what they wanted, you probably could have had it already, but you also want a bunch of other things. So when you compare yourself to your friends, don't leave that stuff out and feel good about your choices.

And then when things don't work out for you in the short run, don't forget that it's like, yeah, that sucks. I'm bummed. I'm a little sad. But like, again, I still have everything I want in my life that's important to me. And that other stuff will come when it's right and it's ready and it's for the right person. Don't discount yourself. And you've got to stop with the, I'm delusional, I'm crazy, I'm unlucky, I am cursed. No, you're just, you have a lot going on. And most men, not some, most men are not right for you, are not going to fit into your life. And I think you need to own that a little bit more than you do. Also, early on, I want the guy that you're dating to be really attracted to what you're doing in your life.

Be proud of what you're doing and know that you're kicking ass and be like, I'm not going to change my 26. I'm not changing my dreams and goals and passions for just some guy who lives with his parents. Oh, 1,000%. That narrative needs to be very strong in your mind while you're dating these. men and you're losing a little bit of that. I definitely do. And I just don't realize it till after, but like obviously reflecting, I'm like, okay. You're not cursed. I have goals and I'm working very hard on those goals. So having a relationship isn't my number one in my life. Yeah, it's an, it's an important goal you have that's fitting in with a bunch of other things. And that will

change things for you when you can change that narrative in your head and really be confident in yourself and in your choices and you can be frustrated at times when it's difficult or you feel rejected but never doubt yourself. Okay. And always know that like it's going to happen for me. I don't know when,

but it's going to and I know I'm a catch and the right person I'm going to be a great partner to. Like I don't want you to have this narrative that I can't keep a man after. That's just, it's not true. It's not true. It's just changing my mindset or changing how I speak.

speak. Set the terms of how these men can still have access to you early on in relationships. And don't stop setting the terms when they're like, can you please go out with me? You know, you're very good at that. It's after that. I came. I came. It's came over. Yeah. So try to work on that second phase. Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you so much. Yeah. No, that's really helpful. And I appreciate you kind of putting some positivity in me and reminding me that I am more than a relationship and more than being single and I have goals. And, you know, thank you for kind of putting that confidence back in me that I've been kind of lacking lately. So I really appreciate that. No problem. Yeah. I mean, that's, you got to have that. And you should have that. And you have the right to have that.

Thank you. Thank you. I really want you to work on that. It's beneath you. It's beneath me. It's beneath me. That's what I'll say. It's beneath me. All right. Well, good luck out there. Keep us posted on your love life. But really more than anything, that internal dialogue that you have, that, you know, get cocky. I will get cocky. Well, thank you so much. Y'all have a really good day. You too.

It's nice meeting you. Likewise. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye. Our favorite part of the holidays is spending time with our family from baking cookies, decorating the house, and walking around the neighborhood. Everyone seems to be in the holiday spirit.

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exclusions. How's it going? I'm good. My name's Jessica. I'm 34, and my best friend refuses to stand up for me. Can we still be friends? Okay. Talk to me about this friendship and why you feel like this friend is not standing up for you.

So it's a little bit of a backstory, but essentially I had a job about a year and a half ago, and the day that I found out I was getting laid off. one of my ex-co-workers who is also one of my best friends, good friends, called me and threatened me was she thought that I was like talking about her at work. I was not. She really had like no evidence of what she thought was happening, but called me and was basically like, I'm going to fuck you up. Did like a little like, let's meet outside situation. We are. are all in our 30s and we all live in like a big city. And I called my best friend who I knew this woman through.

And over the past year and a half, it's kind of just been like, I feel like our friendship has kind of deteriorated because I was essentially told, you know, she's my friend, you're my friend and I'm not getting involved. And the involvement that I want is not for her to like stop being friends with this woman. It's really truly just for me to be able to like, you know, if say she were to get married, like, be able to like go to her wedding and not be like this woman who, is kind of giving deranged vibes. So what did the...

Would be a normal human. So you have a, you and your friend that you're calling it about have a mutual friend. Yes. And this mutual friend kind of verbally assaulted you? Yes. Okay. What did they say? Yes. So the company that I was laid off from was unionizing at the time and I was really involved in unionizing.

I had essentially said like, you know, I was like really involved in it. This woman was not as involved in it. And I guess like literally the day that I found out I was getting laid off from my dream job, maybe an hour later, she called me and she said that she heard that I was talking shit about her. And she said that our mutual friend's birthday was that weekend. And she basically said that she was going to try and jump me at this birthday party. Again, we're all in our 30s. Like, all of us.

She literally was like, I'm going to beat you up? Dead ass. Yeah, 100%. And gave me like a little like, if I see you at the office, like when I went to go get my stuff, it was like, we like she literally said we can take it out. outside. It was the most dumb shit that I've heard in a very long time. But it was also like, just being that we were, we both have a mutual friend and also were essentially co-workers and like coming from like a professional space, it was like, it was just deranged. And I was like, I truly, you know, catch me like my teenage year is like, I would have participated in the

fighting part of this. You know what I mean? But like, as an adult, I'm like, where do you have to be as an adult to not call and have a conversation, to not call and say, like, hey, I heard XYZ, what happened here? Can we talk about it? Because at the end of the day, like, I'm not the type of person who's going to, like, walk around and talk shit about a person. And if I do, I'm the type of person who will stand on it. Like, if you find out that I don't like you, I will just say to your face that I don't like you, you know? So, like, the whole thing kind of encapsulated into this moment of what felt like violence as adults. And I just don't know what to do now with these friendships that I had.

I should also say, like, the two friends that I'm talking about or the friend that I'm talking about is part of a couple, and I'm close with both parties in the couple, both women. The friendship you're trying to maintain? Is a couple. However, I only really care about maintaining a friendship with one of the girls, not the other. Okay, but the two women in this couple is not one of the women who verbally said this. They're friends with this other person. Yes.

Okay. And I guess I'm confused where the partnership has to do, like, there's another person involved? So I guess the partnership has to do with the fact that, like, I guess at the end of the day, it would be like if I, if this all happened and like it was you and Natalie and I kind of said to you, like, put Natalie aside, I don't really care about fixing this with Natalie. I care about fixing this with you. It just kind of adds like another level of. But like what, what's in this role play that we're doing, what's the scenario where Nally and I are in disconnect with you, but you're trying, like what's the, you know what I'm saying? Like, did you go to both these people and say, hey, this other person said this shit to me? Yes.

But you only cared about having support from one of those people, so to speak? No. Yeah, I guess so. I went to both of them and said, hey, like, can I get some support on this? And I would say that they both kind of said no. and one of them, I'm kind of like, I genuinely don't actually care about that anyway. Because you're friends with that person through your main friend that you care about, so to speak? I'm actually friends with them separately. Ironically, I met them the same day they met each other.

So then why do you only care about one? Just how to care, I say. The one friend, throw me a fake name. Pam. Barbara. Barbara. Barbara and Pam. Great. Barbara and Pam. Barbara throughout the years, we've been friends for seven years. maybe eight years at this point. Barbara has just been like a super supportive friend, I would say throughout the years. I like love her. She means a lot to me. Pam, I throughout the years, Pam's an actor.

Pam's a little into themselves. And throughout the years, like, I have, you know, hosted watch parties for like things that Pam's appeared in. I've gone to all of Pam's show. with Barbara. I've done a lot. You're closer with Barbara and this? Yeah, I've, exactly. I've done a lot for Pam. I've just never felt like Pam kind of reciprocates like that friendship. Like, you know, when I'm like, hey, can you help me with this thing? Pam doesn't show up.

You have low expectations of Pam. I have incredibly low expectations of Pam. But higher expectations of Barbara. Much higher expectations of Barbara. Yeah. And Barbara and Pam are married, dating? They're dating, but like I said, I've been friends with both of them for eight years and they've been together for like seven and a half of those things. Okay. So they're very committed. It's very serious. Very committed. Yeah. And a great couple. Yeah. But Jenny threatened you, right?

Was aggressive kind of very like what, you know, try to fight you, you know, on the playground, so to speak. At Barbara's birthday party. At Barbara. She said this happened at Barbara's birthday party. This happened a week before Barbara's birthday party. And Pam and Jenny was like, basically like we can make this imaginary fight happen at Barbara's birthday party. And then you went to, Pam and Barbara and said Jenny just threatened me and like, yeah,

so how did you approach Pam and Barbara? So I called Pam. Pam never called me back. Why did you call Pam first if you care about her? I should call Barbara first. Okay. I'm just,

I guess, relaying my expectations of Pam. Good. Okay, let's start with me. You call Barbara first. What did you say to Barbara? And what was her response?

Barbara's response was essentially, this is awkward because my birthday party is this weekend and I don't want there to be drama there and so I offered not to go I was told that she wanted to be there I was told that Jenny would only be showing up for a short period of time communicate what happened what did you say

oh verbatim I was like this crazy shit just happened here's what was said I also like went to HR with it because I was like this is truly Nick like I work in media in a big city like I've lived in the city my entire life Like, I've had crazy things happen.

This was, I've never gone to HR, you know? And I went to HR and I was like, this was like next level crazy. So I called Barbara and I was like, what do you, before I went to HR, I was like, what do you think I should do about it? And she basically told me to like, sit tight. She didn't want any drama. It was her birthday that weekend. And like to essentially like consider her feelings, which is what I tried to do for, I would say, a point in time. time. And then I called Pam and Pam never answered me. Okay. How did things get left with Barbara?

I mean, I understand that she was just like, oh, this is kind of weird. I got my birthday party and like, it's like you called her up and said, here's how your birthday party is not going to be as fun as you expected it. I am, I get why that was maybe her initial reaction, but how did you guys leave it with you saying, hey, listen, like, this person got really aggressive and really weird with me. And I'm not even sure like you know also like if you were to just put yourself in jenny's shoes like regardless of how she chose to handle her frustrations right or wrong like do you do you see why jenny was upset with you at all or is this completely off the reservation in your your mind it's completely off the reservation i i i mean not only do we have a mutual friend we work together so like

i can be very blunt i can be very straightforward but like i try to choose my words intentionally and can guarantee that there was nothing that was said that, like, I don't even think would warrant a conversation at any point, like, to the degree that I don't know what she thinks was said, because when I asked her, she said, you know what she said. Gotcha. Okay. How did you leave things with Barbara on that first call, the friend you care more about?

How did things get left? I had told her that I didn't really feel comfortable being in the same room as Jenny until, like, something was resolved, or we got to the bottom of like what the fuck was going on. And I didn't think that I should go to said party. Did you want or hope or expect Barbara to play like an intermediary? Or like did you, are you hoping that they would help solve this drama? I think that if if the roles were reversed, I don't think that I.

So the reason that I chose to write it in is because like, you said on the podcast a couple weeks ago that like, you know, when your friends say something like, well, they treat me this way. I'm sorry that they treat you poorly. Like I think for me, it's like the way that I would have handled the situation is not necessarily to be like, you know, like I don't at any point expect them to say like, Jenny, we can no longer be friends. But what I would expect is for them to go to Jenny and be like exactly what happened here. And like, how can we all be cool? And did you feel like Barbara was. remotely interested in doing any of that?

No. Okay. She just didn't want to be involved. Nobody wanted to be involved. Okay. My fear would be like, I host a lot of parties. I'm a chef. I host a lot of dinner parties.

My fear would be if this happened the weekend before I was hosting a dinner party between my friends. What I would not want is for these two friends to show up for me to have no understanding of where Jenny was coming from, what Jenny was upset about why she behaved in that manner, and to have her go off at something that I was hosting or, like, brought these people into the same room together. Like, I would want everybody to feel comfortable and safe. So my concern is that at no point after this, have I ever felt like anything's been resolved or there's any, like, comfortability or any, like, sanity going on here?

And again, like, as adults, it's, like, exactly how are we behaving and what are we doing in these spaces to, like, not make people feel like they can be able to, comfortable if they're like, you know, in the same room together. And I'm not saying that they need to like mediate or manage, but the fact that like no follow-up questions were ever presented to Jenny is like exactly what was going on here. And I was kind of just expected to like bite my tongue and hope that she didn't mean it is where I really like have umbrage. So what happened at the, so did you go to the birthday party? I did briefly.

Um, but there wasn't really any overlap there. So nothing happened? No. And then since then, how do you feel about Barbara? I don't know. Nothing happened because I left. Like, the overlap was like, I got there early. You went out of your way to make sure you avoided Jenny.

Okay, yeah. 100%. Yeah. You would have otherwise stayed longer? Or were you? 100%. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. And when you left, did you sense that Barbara understood why you were leaving? or or she just took it as like, I got something else going on. I'm going. Did she notice why you were leaving and that you left early? Yeah.

I had said that essentially I was like, if we're not going to be like resolving this beforehand, I'll get there early, I'll leave early. And she's like, okay, cool. Basically, yeah. And then how long ago was that? About a year ago.

Okay. And then what happened since, what's happened since then? Okay. So in the last year, Barbara's gone through a lot with her family. She's had some, like, personal things. I've gone through a lot, a lot. My mom's sick.

Like, I've had a lot of, like, unemployment issues after that layoff. And we talk, we hang out. But when we talk and we hang out, we kind of just, like, dance around all of the other things. And, like, the closeness that we had, like, prior to all of this happening, like, this is somebody that I like talked to all of the time. Like we were like always texting each other. We were always hanging out. Like this was someone that like we confided in each other about all of the things. And since then there's been a really big pullback. And part of that pullback on Barbara's side, which she's told me is because after all this happened, I kind of was like,

I think I'm good with Pam just being my best friend's friend or my best friend's girlfriend. And I would like to fix this relationship. I have no interest in fixing that. relationship. You told that to Barbara? Yeah, and Pam. You told that to both of them. I told that to both of them, yeah. So you drew a line in the sand big time. Yeah. Why did you feel the need to make that statement to both of them, rather than just like let it be? I think because of the way that I feel like I've shown up for Pam in the past and the way that I felt kind of dismissed in all of this. You know, with Pam, it's literally been like, I get a point to times where I've like been asked to go to one of her like shows and was like half falling asleep in the audience because I was working all day. I had to be up at six o'clock in the morning for work again and was like let me show up for you.

You know? And so after all of this, I just felt like I put so much effort into a lot of my friendships. Therapy. I didn't have a lot of friends growing up. So like the friendships that I have now I really put value into, you know. that with this and with this feeling like, it honestly at the end of it felt more like it was like about like him and Barbara being like,

as long as we're good, it's good that I was like, I don't feel like I need to like maintain a friendship where I already felt like I was like putting more into it than I was getting out of it. Whereas with Barbara, I felt like it was more of a fulfilling friendship. Okay. That makes sense why you chose Barbara over Pam.

I'm still not quite sure why you felt the need to like tell them what? Pam asked. Pam told me that she feels like I don't reach out to her as often and like basically wanted to know why and I was like I feel like, you know, I don't want to.

Okay. I imagine whether Pam's actually selfish or not, not doubting that she is, but I imagine for her to hear that was harsh for her to hear. Yeah. I mean, selfish people don't realize they're selfish. Certainly not to the degree that maybe other people might perceive their selfishness.

And then here's this person being kind of vulnerable to you and being like, hey, you know, I don't really hear me anymore. Like what's going on? And you're like, well, to be honest, I just don't really want to be your friend anymore. You know, there wasn't like, hey, you know, if I be totally honest, you know, it just feels like this relationship's been a little one-sided. And honestly, it's kind of hurt my feelings. So I started showing up a little less and was kind of matching your energy because I, you know, you didn't say any of that. You're just like, honestly, I'm not interested. Yeah.

Whether you're right or wrong, just understand that your delivery was probably for Pam felt pretty aggressive and harsh. Yeah. You probably heard her feelings. Yeah. Yeah. Barbara being her partner is going to be there for Pam and support Pam and probably. felt like, well, if you're going to, if you don't want to be with Pam, you know, you're friends with Pam, how can we be friends? You basically said to Barbara, it's me or, it's

me or Pam. I know you didn't say that, but I wouldn't be shocked if that's how they received it. Yeah. I guess I understand how that it could be taken that way. I would, I would obviously never say that. Like, I think they're a great couple. I think at the end of the day, I just looked around and I was like, I feel like I wish that, like I said, like we, I met them the same day they met each other. So I've known them both for an equal amount of time. And I almost wish that I had met Barbara later in life so that Pam was just always my friend's girlfriend as opposed to having to maintain both of these friendships. Does that make sense? Like, and to me, it's not like, pick me. It's more like, I'd like to step away from this and like work on this other relationship.

because I just don't care to maintain a friendship with Pam, which I know is harsh, but like, I don't know. No, I know. But like back to your analogy when you were like, hey, if I were friends with both you and Natalie and I said, hey, I just want to like fix this relationship with you, but I don't really care about my relationship with Natalie. I'd been like, well, appreciate you want to being friends with me.

But I, you know, like, you know, going to go ahead and choose my wife here. And like, I still like you. And I, yeah, of course, I want to be friends with you. But if you're like, if you're telling Pam to fuck off, essentially, you know, Nally, you know, what if, you know, it's just like, you know, I imagine Nali going to be like, hey, you know, I'm just like, yeah, here for you a while. Maybe Nail is being a little selfish, you know, and cut up in her own world. But she missed, you know, she noticed that she didn't hear from you as much. And then you were like, honestly, I don't want to be friends with you anymore. I would be very hard for me to maintain a friendship with you. Yeah, I understand that. And in fact, it wouldn't be shocked if Nally was this like, I, you know, It would there's just no way that if you told that to Natalie and then like a couple weeks later Natalie like saw me texting with you, you know, or like going to get coffee with you as, you know, because we're friends and we always did that, that she wouldn't felt betrayed by that.

There's just no way. So I know you didn't say that, but you kind of forced their hand. You forced Barbara's hand, so to speak. And they are in a very committed relationship. You know, they are in a lot of ways, one. So it really doesn't matter that you met Barbara first. You know, you could have met Barbara first. And then Pam could have showed up two years later.

You know, you could have met, you know, in their seven-year relationship, you could have met Barb seven years ago and whatever. Let's say they only have been dating for five years, but you met Pam seven years ago. And then two years later, Pam showed up. they started dating. Now they're five years into this very serious relationship. You know, it doesn't really matter who you met first.

Yeah. I think like the point of that statement was more like, you know, I have friends that I've been friends with for a real long time. And then like I'm obviously like friendly with their partners, but there's no expectations in either direction with. Yeah. Okay,

I got what you're saying. No. Yeah. But you did, either way. It doesn't change the history. You know, because in that analogy,

you're friends with Barb. Pam shows up two years later. You're like, oh, I like your, I like your girlfriend. I like your partner. You become friends with Pam too.

And then two years into that relationship, you realize Pam's a little selfish. You're showing up for Pam more than you. She's showing up for you. It doesn't, you know, that's, yeah, that's kind of irrelevant in the grand scheme of what's really bothering you, so to speak.

So I guess like the reason that I wrote in is I'm curious, like, Barb has really wanted me to reach out to Pam and I haven't done it. And part of the reason I haven't done it is just because, like, my life was really turned upside down in the last years in a lot of ways. And I just haven't had the want to do something that I don't want to do when I'm like not sleeping at night because of like other stress. You know what I mean? And so it's just been like I wouldn't mean it anyway. So I just, I don't know.

Maybe it sounds harsh. But I'm just like, if I don't know if I can pay my rent this month, I'm not going to like have this conversation. Things have kind of settled in for me. Things are finally better. you know, the SSRIs are working. I'm curious, like, do you think that it's too late at this point? And if it's not, how should I go about having these conversations with these two people? I can't say whether it's too late or not because I don't know how, you know, them or how they're feeling or or, but let's assume it's never too late, so to speak.

I can't, you know, obviously speak on what you've been experienced in life. And I certainly understand that when when you're feeling like underwater and you can't get a win. that you really have to like protect your peace and and be very, you know, particular where your energy goes. You know, that being said, to me, it's not like you, you said that you couldn't, you had a hard time maintaining friends when you're younger, right? No, I, I, I was just, I was incredibly bullied. I was like, I was, you know, I was like, yeah. But what, you know, you mentioned not having a lot of friends when you're younger, right? I got to assume that's carried over into your adult life and when it comes to your friend.

and it's it's got to play some kind of role right for you know yeah no i mean just as an adult like the people that i care about i like really really care about and like the people that i yeah that's what i'm yeah but that's what i mean though it's just like i think you almost need to like chill out a little bit over all when it comes to that or it's just like an adult life you know friendships when we're kids on the playground in high school and college are very much different than friendships in adult life and the biggest thing is like we have other things that show up like partners and like our lives, you know, sometimes, some of us have kids. Some of us are really just very focused, our careers just demand a lot of our time and attention. We just don't have the time and the

bandwidth for the same type of friendships that we have when we are younger, right? And as you get older, you really realize, you know, your circle gets smaller and smaller just because it's like most of those people like, you know, just don't have the bandwidth, you know. And my best friends that, you know, from high school, I have, you know, I'm some of which I'm still, friends with. We're still close friends, but I hear from a once a month out of text because it's fantasy football, you know, type of thing. It's just the dynamic changes, right? You're someone who really found value or finds value in your friendships. You're single? No. You're not single. Okay. Regardless, your friendships were really important to you and the ones that you had, you really were

like, I'm very intentional with these friendships. I give a lot, but I demand a lot, right? You kind of have to own that in a sense and then realize that, you know, can you, can you pair it back a little bit? I remind Natalie to this all the time, you know, we have friends that we're friends with, close with. We'll even be like, love you, you know, when we hang out with them and see them and not see them. But some of those friends, it's just like, I have to remind Nally, it's just like, this is who this friend is, you know? They're not going to change. Do we want to be friends with this person? Yeah, because they're a good time and they're fun. And we still get a lot of value from this friendship.

But there's things we can't get from this friend. And so we're going to stop expecting that from this friend. And we're going to stop being disappointed when this friend doesn't show up for us the way we would be willing to show up for them. You know, this is a friend that at times you could say is selfish, right? But it's like, you know, when Natalie and I talk about it, it's just more like, well, yeah, I mean, we still enjoy this person's company. but once I stop expecting this from this person,

it's just a lot easier for me to be friends with this person. And she has different expectations with different friendships. You know, a lot of times it's based off of like, okay, well, one friend she gave and she got back, you know, and it got closer and closer, and it really felt like the type of friendship who she's like, I can expect a lot from this friendship because I get a lot from this friendship.

And it's mutual and it's equal. And I don't feel like I'm fighting for this. And I don't constantly feel let down or disappointment. And then she feels safer and vulnerable to like, really feel close to this friend. And other friends, it's like, no, this is a close friend. It's a great friend.

But this friend's shown a pattern of letting me down here. And so I'm just going to stop expecting of that. And I think as an adult, in adult friendships, we do have, we have to be able to have that balance. Because that allows us

to maintain friendships that we'd otherwise not maintain, you know? Does that makes, am I making sense? No, 100%. Yeah. I mean,

I feel like in a nutshell, you just described Barb and then you describe Pam. And like, I do think that as I've gotten older, I have come to that kind of same conclusion, right? Like, there are friends where I look at them and it's like, you know, we're like, oh, we get drinks, we see each other every six months friend. And like, I love you, you know, love you. But like, move on.

I think the hardest part about this is that like those two types of people live in the same apartment and like, how do I? Well, so the difference in the analogy I gave you in your situation, for me, what it sounds like is you're like, you met up at the same time. You're friends with both of them. You realized over time that Barb gives you something different in a friendship than Pam does. But your expectations of Pam never changed. You're like, well, if Barb can do it, you should be able to do it. This is what I expect from friendships. So this is what I'm going to give you. And well, you stop doing what I'm giving you. So you're, fuck off. I'm done with you. But. You know, you didn't find, you didn't accept Pam for who she is. You know, he's like, okay, Pam can be a little selfish. She's an industry. It's very much me focused. And, you know, I'm going to give her some grace.

And honestly, I still have a lot of fun with Pam. And in a right situation, I really enjoy Pam's company. And she's a lot of fun. She's a good time. Yada, yada. But, like, you know, like 80% of the time, Pam's great. And the other 20% of the time, Pam really pisses me off. You've allowed that 20% of the time to really dictate how you feel about Pam entirely.

And you haven't been able to, like change your expectations of Pam while maintaining your expectations of Barb. And then you subsequently kind of made Barb pick Pam over you because you were like, fuck off, you know, you could have just decided to expect less from Pam. Or when Pam asked, you could have just been honest and said, listen, it just kind of hurts my feelings. I would love to, you could have given Pam a choice rather than feel, decide that Pam was incapable of doing what you needed. You probably were right, right? You probably were just like, I know Pam's never going to give me this. So I'm not going to ask. so I'm done. But I think you could have had your cake and you could have split the difference.

And I think you kind of at some point in your adult life were just like, I'm going to be very intentional with my friendships and I'm going to, this is how I'm going to be and this is what I'm to demand. I'm going to be very direct, but I expect it back. And I think you've just been a little bit too hard lined with your expectations of your friendships. And you've only had one, one set of expectations. And it's like, you're either in or you're out. And if you want to be my friend, this is what you need to do or you're done. And it's like, you should have that for the certain kinds of friends. But other people who, you know, are a good time and can bring certain value in your life, you can be like, well, I don't, I don't need you to do this. I get this from this person. You know, how many best friends do you need? How many ride or dies do you need, you know, especially when you are in a relationship in an adult life. You know, your partner probably plays a significant role and playing some of, you know, being that safe zone and being that person you can really know up to and be a person you can vent to. You know, you don't need all of your people to do that. You know, you don't need all of your people to do that. You know, You know, you have a certain people, you know, can tell you, always going to show up to your events, you know, and the other people, it's like, you know, I'm going to invite them. They might come. They might not come. You know, that friend I was talking to about, I just, we just know that like if something better comes along, they're going to do the something better that they feel is something better for them. Yeah. And, and we're just not going to, when we offer an invite to that person, we're going to know that that's a possibility. Yeah. And we're not going to, you know, we accept that.

that's where that person's at in their life. And that might change, but we're not going to demand that change. We're not going to expect that change, and we're going to be surprised if that changed happens. But in the meantime, we know how to be friends with this person and be happy with the friendship we have because we know what to expect from them and what not to expect from them. And overall, when we look at it that way, we're still like, yeah, it's still a pretty good friendship, just not the same as some of the other friendships. And you've, you've, you haven't been able to find that balance, it sounds like. Yeah. And so back to like, I think you could have even in those dark times for you, you could have still reached out. You just

decided it's like, you know, you didn't have 15 minutes, you know, at some point when, you know, maybe like early into this I did. I will say like by the point where like there was like a switch where things started to get better, it really what. There was like a really, there was a six month period of time where like I really was like depressed. You know, and it was just like, the conversation could have gone well, but I wasn't in a place where, like, you just weren't up for it. You know what I mean? Yeah, I really, it was, it was really dark. Okay. I mean, listen, so do I think it's too late? Probably not. I can't speak for certainty, but, you know, as they often say, it's never too late to make amends. I think if you're going to make that call, you need to humble yourself probably a little bit because I think you feel very righteous in how you feel about Pam.

And you don't have to be wrong to be humble. You just have to just, Pam feels hurt by you. You feel hurt by Pam. You both feel right. If you're able to find common ground with Pam or accept Pam for who she is and still see the value in a friendship with Pam, even if the bigger picture is to be friends with Barbara, yeah, I think you can acknowledge that.

Like, I'm sorry I was harsh. You know, you came to me at a time where I was just really, maybe a little rigid with my friendships and maybe you like you can get into your backstory about friendships and I've had to, you know, maybe learn how to balance friendships a little bit better. And I guess I felt this way and I didn't think you'd be willing to do it. So yeah, that's why I said what I said. And probably a lot of it stems from that situation a year ago where both Pam and Barba just kind of like told you this is not my problem. And you felt alienated by both of them. And that's how you responded. So I think you can find, you can say that

bothered me. I wouldn't relitigate that thing in the past. There's no point in that. And even if Pam and Barbara both failed you in that moment, you know, it's not the end of the world. You know, I don't, I'm like you. I don't like it when my friends say like, like, not my problem or things like that. I have a friend who is definitely conflict adverse, very lovely person. A situation happened, not necessarily, a person they worked with or someone they knew, like a mutual. And were friendly with this person, but I was like, hey, I need you to reach out for this, and I, I didn't fuck with this person. So, but I knew, and my friend was like, well, I don't really, he didn't want to do it. He didn't want to make the call. And I was like, you need to do this for me. Because I know,

like, and I, and he did, but I really had to ask him to do that. And if he did, and I would have been frustrated, but we would still be great friends today had he not made that call. But again, I, I, I know, this particular friend, I know his strengths. I know his weaknesses. I love him for who he is. I get frustrated with some of his weaknesses, but it doesn't, like, it doesn't stop me from having them in my life. And I think you just, you have to go from, these are my boundaries. This is what I need to maintain friendships to, like, individualize your friendships and your expectations and, and, and have a little humility and grace and just, you know, you don't have to, this is definitely a, do you want to be right or do you want to be a happy situation? Yeah. And I think you could do things to make your

life happier and have some meaningful relationships, even if it feels like you're conceding more than you want to. Yeah, I hear you. It's the hard part is, it's like, I do set expectations for myself, but also when friends, when people like Pam, like also expect those things from you, you know, and then like, don't reciprocate is when I just start to be like, what are we doing? Sure. But again, you weren't willing to have that conversation. You know, in the future, like, right? Like, you stopped reaching out more to Pam. You don't go to all of her shows anymore.

You know, you certainly don't cancel plans to prioritize Pam. I've saved so much time. Yeah, but in those situations, when Pam says, well, why don't you do that? You can be like, well, listen, I got a lot's going on too, but like, you know, it doesn't feel like it's, and that's okay. It's like, it doesn't always feel reciprocated.

I've accepted that, but I can't, you know, that's a different conversation. You'd be like, I just don't give a fuck. Yeah. So you can still be friends with Pam. The relationship can be different. And you can, you know, again, you just have to, you have to change your expectations. Because remember, when we're in high school and we're in college, our friends, especially

when we're single, they are, these, those are our most meaningful relationships. You know, there's a lot of love there, you know, when I, you know, my buddies is in college. It was like, you know, other than being physically intimate, we were like, we were attached at the hip. Those were the people I would go to to really open up to. But as we get older and we get into our careers or if we find, you know, romantic connections, we don't need those same type of relationships, you know, but we can still have a lot of value from those relationships and they can still be meaningful. They're a lot different than they were in the past. You know what I'm saying? But you're having a hard time adjusting to that and changing your expectations. And you're still like,

in that like hey if you're in you're in if you're out you're fucking out yeah you know so in like talking to them would you how how how would you go about it like should i go like pam then barb should i reach out and be like can the three of us sit down should i go yeah first of all i would i'd probably call barb and say hey listen um sorry i haven't been the best friend to you and i know you've been asked me to reach out to pam and i know that's really important i've been stubborn and i've obviously had a lot going on, but like your friendship means a lot to me. And honestly, like, so does Pam's. And I'm sorry I wasn't really to reach out. And if you're still open to that, you know, I miss you. And I certainly miss both of you. But like, I'm happy to make that call.

And I, I do want to apologize for taking this long. I mean, you're going to have to show some remorse. Remorse. And not be, it's like you weren't wrong for how you felt. But how you went about it wasn't the most productive. And certainly for them, I can see how it felt very aggressive and very, you left them no choice to like, you know, you like, you decided to break up with them and you, and so to speak, and they were like, I guess, okay. And then I'd call out Pam and just say, I, I'm sorry I handled it the way we did. That was really harsh for me to say. I guess I just felt a little this and that. And I just, I just assumed you weren't going to give me what I needed. And I wasn't in the best place and I just said,

I don't want you in my life. And I realized now that I was way too harsh and I'm sorry, you know, and I think I was upset about that situation in the past and things snowballed and yada yada, but like I am really sorry. And I don't think you have to completely back down between some of those moments you get frustrated with Pam, but I don't know if you need to pick that fight

in that conversation. You might, you could suggest it, you can like just mention it, but I don't think you want to, want to you don't need to iron that out this you don't need to be right in this conversation you just need to be heard and just need to see if there's common ground yeah does that make sense yeah that makes sense yeah i think so is this helpful yeah i think so can i just ask one more question home girl with the agro issues like do i just let it go like she's still in the picture

a hundred percent yeah are she beating you up yet we have not been in the same room no she also wouldn't win. But like why why why why why why why does she matter at this point? Oh she like only only in that if we were to end up in the same room for birthdays for whatever if like I'm able to mend things with Pam and Barb like my concern with this woman is again like the the way that this whole situation was handled and like the shit that came out of her mouth was like crazy and I just want to make sure that that's not going to happen again. Do you really think it's going to happen? Like deep down, do you really think so? I mean, it hasn't happened yet. The reason that I say

I don't know is because I don't think that I have been in my adult life in a situation where someone has handled themselves in that way. Like, and so I don't, like, I still don't know what she thought she was upset about and I still don't know what her mentality is. Like, I don't know this woman well. I don't think you should be a friend of this person or try to go out of your way to men fences. Keep your distance. Oh, literally never. I mean, obviously, I don't invent. I don't invent. them to your gatherings. If you happen to show up to say barb, a party where she, you know, just keep your distance. Yeah. I mean, like, someone does that to Natalie. You two end up at a party with this woman. Like, what, like, what is the, what is the move? Is it like she shows up,

I leave in perpetuity? Like, I don't feel like I need to have a conversation with this woman, but I don't think you need to leave. I don't think you need to. I mean, do you really think you're going to go to a party? And like, in the middle of the party, she's going to, like, confront you and try to like fight outside. I mean, that seems unlikely. My truthful answer is that it seems unlikely. It seems unlikely. However, we're at a party. She drinks too much. I don't know. And in that situation, it's one thing for you to call up Pam and Barb and be like, Jenny sent some crazy shit to me. And they're like, okay, well, that just sounds like drama. I don't want to be a part of. Versus you show up at a party, Jenny shows up and she literally physically tries to confront you in front of everybody else.

I'm willing to bet Pam and Barb would see Jenny very differently in that moment versus you calling up and gossiping and bitching about some confrontation you had with Jenny. You know what I'm saying? So we're just thinking like Jenny's bark is bigger than our bite situation. Probably. I mean, I don't really know Jenny or this situation, but it's been a year it hasn't happened. And I feel like you're you're dying on this hill that I don't think you need to die in a little bit. Yeah, that's totally fair. And you're fantasizing about situations that while maybe possible are probably unlikely

and you're letting these hypothetical situations that may never happen, like kind of dictate and get in the way with this relationship with Pam and Barb. Like this Jenny situation should not in any way at this stage in the game. If you want to mend things with Barb and Pan, it shouldn't be a fact. Not remotely. Okay. You know, but I'm saying, if this person was this dangerous and volatile, they would have gone

out of your way to find you and confront you to this point. You know, they're not going to magically, like, lose their shit and put you in danger because you just happen. It seems unlikely. And, I mean. Yeah, I hear you. So, yeah, I think it's not too late. I think, I mean, the big takeaway is I think you need to get better at having different

expectations of different friendships. and telling yourself it's okay to be friends with people who aren't the perfect friend. They may not be your closest friend. There may be certain aspects of your life you don't count on them for, but they can still be meaningful friendships. And they can feel a little one-sided, but again, like, unless Pam can add no value. You just have to change your expectations of Pam.

Yeah. But still not make Barb feel like she has to pick between you and Pam. yeah. All right. Yeah. Was this helpful? Yeah, I hear you. I think so.

I think it was. I hope it was. Sorry if it wasn't. No, it was. It was. Yeah, I think you're right. Like, I need to expect less from some of my friends. I think that with the friends I expect less from, I need to be clear and like potentially

even. Well, I don't know if you need to be clear. That's a thing. I think sometimes. I need to be less clear. I need to be less direct. You can just let it. happen, you know? Yeah. It can just be. And then when someone like Pam asks, you can be honest,

but more delicate. Yeah, directness has always been, I would say, a strength and a weakness. Yeah, it's usually how things are. You know, our strengths are often our weaknesses because, you know, if there are strength, we're really good, we're fixated on it. But our strengths aren't applicable in every situation. And sometimes our egos think it is. And when we lead with our strengths in the wrong situation, they become weaknesses. Yeah. All right. Well, yeah, appreciate your time.

Let me know how it goes. I'd love to know if you mend the fence with Pam or Barb. I'll send a follow up, but appreciate your time. All right. Appreciate yours. Take care. Yeah. Bye.