The Viall Files - E106 Ask Nick - Meddling Moms

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

We talk to someone who is feeling guilty for breaking up with someone who loved her, someone confused by a Friends With Benefits situation, a mom who doesn’t get why her 30 year-old daughter won’t settle down, and someone who got ghosted by a touring musician. Moms mean well but sometimes they are a little off! (Sound familiar?) Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode! THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: FLAMINGO: http://shopflamingo.com/viall RITUAL: http://ritual.com/viall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is going on everybody happy monday y'all what's going on rochelle how was new york it was great it was uh it was. I love being in New York. Yeah, would you ever move there? I mean, if I would move there tomorrow, I don't think I'll probably ever move there. And like, just from a work standpoint. Really? I did have a weird interaction with,

one of those weird fan interactions. What happened? I was waiting outside with Charlene and Andy. Prince Street Pizza, have you had it? Mm-mm. Oh my God. So good? So good.

Okay. It's worth the, I mean, that's my last, I think that's my last meal, Prince Street Pepperoni Pizza. And I go outside, and while I'm waiting in line, it's like, there's always a line. Yeah. On the weekend. So two young women come up,

kind of gave me the whole are you you know so yeah how's it going shook their hand took a picture then you can always tell right and then the one girl took the picture said sure and then her friend was like well do you want to get a picture too and she was like no no no no no i don't i don't want to and i'm like thinking okay sometimes it happens they're like they're like they're not they don't they don't want to. And I'm like thinking, okay. Sometimes it happens. They're like, they're not, they don't watch the show. They don't care, but they're just being. And then sometimes they do that because they're trying to establish this boundary of, I don't think you're that cool. But they're obsessed with the show.

So she comes up. She was just like, so you have your podcast? I'm like, yeah. And she goes, i'm paraphrasing well meanwhile then her other friends are recording the video of me talking to this girl and i was a little uncomfortable with that i was like are you know you're like recording conversation that's weird i could probably and she's like i work for a podcast company oh cool not really um whatever and then she was basically saying well, so like first there's a slight insult of like,

I don't really care. Yeah. But there's like, I listen to a bunch. I don't, I haven't, I haven't taken the time to listen to yours. Yeah, it's nagging. But I also, there's some things in sound quality that I can make better. What? And I'm like.

That is one thing we do not have a problem with. First of all, that's not even the point. The point is, how do you fucking know if you don't listen well she obviously because we don't have a problem no she obviously listens and that was her way of like being like that that classic person who's like well who are you i've never met you before oh aren't you on that show i don't watch it my grandma does but i hear about it all the time yeah it was just like it was like i don't know it was just weird i don't know but um she listens to the podcast too but uh she wouldn't admit it and it was like, I don't know. It was just weird. I don't know. But she listens to the podcast too. But she wouldn't admit it.

And it was just weird. And it was like a really dirty feeling. And Charlene and Andy were watching the whole thing. And it was like, oh, that was, what was going on? It was super weird. And then like Charlene, Charlene's like the sweetest person. So she kept apologizing for 30 minutes, not because she did anything. She's like, I'm sorry.

That you had to go through that. It was just like a weird thing. And yeah,, yeah, but Hey, you know what? Small price to pay for having. And then a lot of people, a lot of lovely people in New York,

listen to the podcast and came up and, and really, and said they enjoy it. So thank you for saying hello and, and not being like that other person. Yeah. So anyways, yeah,

I had a great time in New York. Thanks everyone for, who stopped and said hi, uh, in New York, who's for uh who stopped and said hi uh in New York who's checking out the podcast yeah

and uh I always always like it when people hey how's it going listen to your podcast yeah that's so nice always enjoy you people

you people anyways great episode today uh thanks always uh for listening don't forget to send

your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com. We are no Tuesday episodes now while The Bachelor is in a short hiatus, but we will, as we mentioned last week, we'll be coming back to you for Listen to Your Heart. And we'll figure we'll recap it. Why not? You guys, I think it's going to be pretty good. And I don't really know what to expect. But I tell you what, we're going to have an opinion about it. And I think that what starts April 13th.

So we'll be back on Tuesdays on the 14th of April. Until then, you're stuck with us two days a week. And as always, thanks for listening. How's it going? Good. My name's Sierra. I am 21. Hi, Sierra, 21.

How can we help? Okay. So basically, I had been seeing this guy for about six months. Uh, we were never officially like boyfriend and girlfriend, but we pretty much did all the things that like a couple would do. Um, but kind of the reason that we never were official was because coming into the relationship with him, um, right before him, I had a relationship that really broke me down. Like it really hurt me. And I was just kind of really apprehensive of getting into another relationship and getting hurt again and then hurting someone else. But I still wanted to give him a shot. And so we spent like six months together

and I could just tell that he was really starting to like me more than I liked him. And he was kind of starting to expect more out of me towards the end, just with like time and effort and stuff. And I just felt like I couldn't really fulfill the things that he needed. And so I decided to end it. And so I decided to end it. And basically my question is like, how do you handle the guilt and like, yeah, just like the guilt of like hurting someone and then like breaking up. Cause I'm starting to like question my decision if I made the right choice or to break up back to him. Yeah. Uh, why are you questioning your decision? I don't know. Like, I'm not sure if it's like, like I'm just really upset that it ended

or if I like actually still really like him more than I thought I did in the beginning. Let's go back to when it started. It sounds like, because I read your email and from the tone of your email, it sounded like you thought he was a really nice guy. And you always felt like he really liked you. And you never really got, you either didn't get over the past relationship or the initial one,

or you just never, maybe you never liked him with the intensity that you liked the last person, you know? Is that all fair to say, based on your email? Oh, no, yeah, definitely. That's definitely very accurate. It sounds like to me, I mean, we've all done this, but you were probably a little selfish to get in this relationship. But you said to him, well, you said to us, you wanted to give him a shot. What did you mean by that? like what was your um so we actually met a year prior and we talked a little bit but it just kind of didn't work out and then i know he's been uh wanting to like try again with me i guess and so i wanted to i guess see if it would work out did you want to see if it worked out because you really wanted to give him a shot or you wanted to see if it would work out because you were heartbroken, you didn't have the relationship

you wanted to be in and this felt like maybe, like you just kind of wanted to have somebody and you thought, well, I mean, he's nice and he could work, so let's give him a shot. Like, was it really about giving him a shot or was it about, you know, having a boyfriend? Right. I mean, I think I definitely came into the situation like wanting to have fun, like having someone to do something with and like go places and get to hang out with him and his friends. So, yeah, maybe it was like the selfish of I just like wanted to have somebody to be

around. But she's saying she feels bad. Well, I mean, you say you feel bad. Like, again, why do you feel bad? I mean, because, yeah, you could feel bad because it sounds like he's really making you feel bad. Like he's letting you know how sad and distraught he is over this. And that sucks.

Yeah, that's definitely. I would feel bad i mean you're human yeah i don't know i just thought like once i ended it i would kind of not feel like a weight coming off my shoulder i just feel like better but the past couple weeks i've just been like really emotional about it and questioning my decision and yeah maybe it's him uh like telling me how he feels because uh i said this in the email but we have like the same major so i see him a lot in um the same classroom building and like i guess he obviously took it really hard when was the last time you've like how you you

don't strike me as someone who might be single all that much uh have you... What's the longest period since like 16 that you have not had a... had at least somewhat guy you're hanging out with? Totally and utterly alone with your friends. Which is not really...

Let me think about that. So, I mean, I have had like quite a... Well, I've had two long-term relationships i came into college dating someone for two years and then i guess kind of a year it was my my sophomore year and i'm a junior so i guess like last year i had a period where i wasn't seeing anyone okay that's that's good i mean i guess that's what I'm saying. It's just I think maybe you should take a break.

I can't tell you how to feel. Like, you broke up with him for a reason. And from what you're telling us, it sounds like you felt like his intensity level was far exceeding yours. And you never were really there. was far exceeding yours and you never were really there. And while you enjoyed his company and you enjoyed probably spending time with him because he was really sweet, it just didn't feel like the type of relationship you wanted.

To me, that sounds like actually a mature thing to do where you're just like, listen, I don't, this guy was only gonna like you more. His feelings were only gonna intensify. Sounds like you questioned your ability to get to that level. And he was always going to get hurt, unfortunately. I mean, and listen, there's no, there's nothing wrong for, there's nothing wrong with you saying I was going to give him a shot or give the relationship a shot. That's fine. I mean, you're entitled to do that. You

were upfront with him. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe in the future, you know, think to yourself, am I doing this because I just want to have somebody or I really think it's there? And there's, you know, people fall in love differently, you know. People do, people can grow in love. So there's, I don't really think there's anything wrong with what you did. But I would right now question when you start feeling bad when you break up with someone

whether you you get broken up with or you break up with them there's gonna be these moments of loneliness and boredom and sadness and unless he was a you know a total asshole and it was an extremely toxic relationship where you're just relieved to be out of of course you're going to miss spending time with him right of course you're going to miss some of the little things that you guys did you know it sounds like he was a pretty decent guy or pretty is a pretty decent guy so when you're starting when you're at those kind of crossroads of wondering whether you want to get back together with someone you have to really kind of crossroads of wondering whether you want to get back together with someone. You have to really kind of go back to what you were feeling when you broke up with them. I think people your age, and I certainly did it when I was your age, we have that habit of breaking up, kind of seeing

what else is out there. Then, you know, maybe we have some fun, maybe we don't. If we get bored, we kind of go back to what was comfortable. And then, you know, that's, that's kind of selfish. You're wasting both of each other's times. And we've like, there's a lot of people that have that one relationship that goes on for two or three years and you break up a bunch of times, you date people in between. And in one of those relationships, there's always someone who has way more power than the other person, you know? And it's not, know? And it's not gender specific. I've had guy friends who were just obsessed with these women and I've had women friends who were obsessed with these guys

and it's just like they kind of are always just chasing this person and he's always gonna be chasing you. And my gut tells me you're never really gonna feel like you're getting what you want out of it. But you like having fun with him and he probably makes you feel great and you have to be careful not to rely on him to make you feel great when you are down because that's pretty common in these situations where he's always going to be there for you and he's going to make

himself so available to like he's just going to be like, I want you to think of me when you feel this way. And he's going to make you feel okay with, with kind of using them. And that's kind of on you since you have the power here to like say, no, this is not, you're doing this for him. You know, it's cause this is only, this is only going to get, you're only going to delay it. Right. And, and, and unless if you wake up one day and realize

i'm in love with this guy i would like take a step back and really be like am i really am i just bored you know like am i just lonely yeah um because it sounds like you gave it a fair shot um so that that's my take and i don't know you you were kind right like when you broke up with him there's a difference between like being mean and direct. Like he's going to hurt his, you're going to hurt his feelings, you know? Right, right. No, I definitely tried to make it as kind as I could.

I really told him like, it wasn't anything he did or didn't do. It was like, I just couldn't like get those feelings. But he definitely is making himself available. Like he reminds me like i'm still here you know kind of thing but i guess it's it's hard to like not fall back into that trap of like oh he's still there i mean it seems it seems harsh but the right thing to do is to kind of stand your ground you know um at the risk of coming across cold to him.

He's just, he's looking for any sign of hope, any sign that you care. And I wouldn't give it to him because it's okay if he hates you for a little bit of time. That's okay. He'll come around. But his feelings are hurt and we've all been there,

but he just, he's got to get over it i mean put yourself in the shoes that you were and you got your heart broken it was kind of shattered right like you seem to be recovered from that but you need probably needed to really kind of hate that person for at least a little moment yeah oh for sure yeah so he might have to hate you and that's going to be okay no okay i mean and also with like the guilt would you just say like just keep doing you and yeah i mean listen breakups are hard right and that's the thing it's kind of my point is you know if you're a good person you break someone's heart you should feel bad not necessarily feel bad like we're you know responsible but that but that's love and that's dating and that's messy.

And it could only, what you're considering is only going to make that worse. You know what I'm saying? Like now you're kind of at the point where like you could start fucking with him, you know, selfishly where you are, you're letting him and yourself convince you that it's okay to keep him around just in case you might change your mind but deep down you probably aren't going to and what you should like and that's the thing it's like sometimes people in breakups because they don't want to be mean you know they feel bad so they don't really say the they're not really totally honest or they will say things they don't really mean like,

well, you never know, you know, like you never know. We might, maybe could get back together, but like right now I just don't see it. And the truth is you just don't see it, you know? And, and when you say you never know, that never know really means like, I really want to find something better, you know? And it's nothing against them. And that's okay. Like someday, some girl is going to be obsessed with him and he's not going them. And that's okay. Like someday, some girl is going to be obsessed with him and he's not going to feel the same way about her, you know, and that's life. But don't be cruel, you know. And that thing is, it's almost counterintuitive right now. The nice thing to do is to let him move on however he needs to, not to let him hang on and have you, you know, own real estate in his mind for the next

six to 12 months. Because in the long term, that's the mean thing to do. It just won't feel that way to him right now. So. Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you. I appreciate that. Hopefully that makes sense. Yeah. But yeah, it sounds like you're doing the right thing. You're going to feel bad, but just when you get bored and lonely, don't be selfish. Okay. I'll try not to. All right. All right. Take care.

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I'm good. Hi. What's your name? I'm Hannah. I'm 24. Hi, Hannah, 24. How can we help you? Well, basically, long story short, I met this guy last year.

And we very quickly got into this sort of friends with benefits sort of situation and i was okay with it and until he started like blurring the lines so i just asked him straight up about it and he was like no i don't want anything i don't want anything serious so i was like all right cool when you say blurring the lines, what do you mean? Like, it would go from me sleeping over and going right back out to me sleeping over and him making breakfast to me, him like making a big deal out of my birthday and then like meeting his family. I think when I met some of his family, I is what i met from this family i was like okay

what's going on so you guys were hooking up and you felt like he was starting to like act like a boyfriend yeah okay but he but it was my understanding that that wasn't what we were doing sure i get that i wasn't i just i literally didn't understand what you meant by blurring the line so it was him um doing some boyfriend things that you you you questioned whether he was he just wanted this to be a hookup thing yeah so like i asked him and he said like no like he didn't want any feelings to be involved so i said okay and we were fine for a few months and then he started doing things again just sort of like saying little things like he would do me

a favor and then be like oh like you don't know how much it means that i did this for you like i don't do this for anyone and like he asked to come spend a weekend with me and like i don't know it was just like little things and it's gotten to the point where I just want to know what's going on on his end, but I don't want to seem like I want something more. Okay. So I don't really know how to pose that question without it seeming. Because I've already asked once and gotten answers. I don't want to ask again, seem like pushy.

I'm looking for something when i just want clarification she says they text every single day and then um and then he was her date on valentine's day yeah yeah so when you text every single day is it always him reaching out or you is it pretty even it's like both like if you'll like see something and send it to me or i'll see something i'll send it to him like it's very light hearted sort of conversation but we probably don't go two or three days about are you going are you going on dates with other men or are you um i haven't been are you hooking up with other men no why not he's really like the first guy i've like just hooked up with okay well what's in what's your motivation for

keeping it the like why do you want it to be just a friends with benefits situation because i know i know who he is and i know who i am and I know that if it were to go forward into something else, it wouldn't work out. What do you mean by that? We just have fundamental differences. He really wants to, he's a freelance person, wants to go everywhere and I want to just stay in one place and build a community. He's not really, he has a touch and go religion relationship and that's something that's really important to me okay but like i just know that

it wouldn't really work out but mine is kind of and that makes sense but minus that stuff you you quite enjoy spending time with him oh yeah like, we're cool. We're really good friends, I feel like. He said he wanted to be in a relationship with you. What would you say? I would say we have to talk. In your email, you said you would want it if he asked you.

Well, it's not that I wouldn't want it. It's that I wouldn't be against it, but I wouldn't want to talk to him. It's kind of a yes or no answer, Hannah. is that like I would I wouldn't be against it but I wouldn't want to like talk it's kind of a yes or no answer Hannah there's nothing wrong with saying it you like him it's fine

I think it's safe to say you like the guy I definitely like him I'm not denying that I don't like him it's just like I'm very careful with putting my feelings like into someone because I'm not trying to get hurt. Yeah, I get it. How old is he? He's 30.

Okay. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. You like him. That's okay. He likes you. And that's okay. And you're probably maybe there's's it's a chance that you are being smart by protecting your heart you know he is a little older right so you know i don't know this guy that's nothing wrong with the fact that you're dating him but he's a little older he might be a different place of his life maybe you feel a little unsafe um about like how he communicates his feelings it's entirely possible that while he does these things, like takes you out on Valentine's, introduces you to his parents, et cetera, et cetera, you know, those actions might not be as meaningful to him

as they are to you. You never really know. Like sometimes these little things, we have a way of like, oh, well, he took me out for Valentine's Day and he invited me to his parents. Those could be big moments. They also could be like be like i don't know i don't introduce everyone to my parents you know you never really know um but i think when it comes to friends with

benefit situations unless you're two people who are just like broken on the inside and you've kind of given up on love there's a short shelf life to a friends with benefits situation, you know? Because someone... Yeah, like, when we met, I was definitely broken. Yeah, and that's fine. Like, you probably weren't as broken. I mean, I mean, like, broken on the end. Like, you just kind of given up on...

Like, I don't mean, like, heartbroken. I mean, you may have. Were you hurt? You've been hurt before, it sounds like, maybe? Yeah, like, I had just gotten out of a very, you may, yeah, were you hurt? You've been hurt before, it sounds like, maybe? Yeah, like I had just gotten out of a very, very bad sort of situationship like a week before we met. Yeah, that makes sense. So, yeah, so you're guarded. You're not broken. You're just guarded. When I say, I mean, I'm kind of kidding, but when I, you know, it's just like, but the point is friends, friends with benefit situations tend to have a shelf life, right? Because, you know, if you're guarded and maybe he's guarded or you, maybe you are pragmatic enough to be like, hey, listen, we're very different people. Like you go left, I go right. But like, hey, the sex is great. So let's do this for a moment. You're human, right? And you're spending time and you are talking on a regular basis. Like someone, if not both people are going to develop real feelings, right? So

I think you just kind of have to be more honest with yourself about how you, you know, how you feel about him and the possibility of relationship. I think it's smart that you seem to be objective about like how realistic a relationship could be with him, because you could develop feelings and the things that you just said about the differences also could still be true. And you could be right. You could be right by saying, yeah, man, if I really open up to the possibility of a relationship with this guy, I'm going to get really hurt in a year. That's possible. I don't know. But the good news is you're only 24 and you can take a risk and you can get heartbroken again and you can survive it.

I believe that. I know that you can. I'm not saying you should here. But I think you just need to be honest with the fact that this friends with benefit thing is kind of over. Right. So you need to decide what do I want to do with this. Right. You could ask him again.

And you're saying, well, how can I ask without making it seem like I want to? Which is what you're really trying to say is, I don't want to sound like I want to, but I actually do want to. But just in case he doesn't want to, I don't want to put myself out there and feel rejected. Basically. Yeah. So, I mean, listen, he likes you. He definitely likes spending time with you. That much is obvious, right? You might have given him an opportunity to have his cake and eat it too, right? Because you're not dating, you're not boyfriend and girlfriend, but you guys treat each other like boyfriend and girlfriend. And, you know, he could be dating other people and there's nothing wrong with that. You know, he could have occasionally.

Yeah. So what you're afraid of is asking him to stop doing that. And you're afraid of the answer. And that's totally normal. Well, I just don't want to say things like I really want something. Why? Why? Why?

Say that again. I'm sorry. Like what I It's really conditional on what he wants. Why? Honestly. Say that again. I'm sorry. Like, what I want is really conditional on what he wants. Mm-mm. No, it's not. That's wrong, girl. It may not be existing, but that's just how I feel. That's not true.

And it's not a good way to live your life. Who cares what he wants? It's what you want. And then he can say yes or no. I want to be wanted. Like, in any situation, whether it's what you want and then he can say yes or no i want to be wanted like in any situation whether it's a friendship or relationship i want to be one and so if the other party doesn't want me in that capacity that i don't want sure but making yourself always available to everything they want in the moment they want it isn't a great way to get them to

want you you know what i'm saying like i, I mean, in a perfect, you're trying to describe this perfect utopia, but like it, you're not doing anything wrong, but I'm just saying like he is kind of, and he's not necessarily doing anything wrong either. But at some point you need to like, again, we talk about this a lot on the show. You need to set some expectations for yourself and then for him, right? You need to figure out what do you want in a relationship and what do you want to get out of it? Do you want this consistency? Do you want to have some sort of connection with someone from a religious standpoint where you're on some of the, on the same page? Or do you want someone who's just like respectful of your beliefs? You know, do you want

someone who is open to settling down? Those things matter, right? But in the meantime, do you want someone who like doesn't have sex with other people? that's normal you know i want to know that they're not and if you know if you're open to open relationships then that's fine too but you need to define these expectations for yourself and right now you're at the point where what you did was you you've gotten this friends with benefits situation you were guarded before nothing wrong with that good for you but now you've developed front feelings. You are talking to him on a regular basis. And again, unless you're like dead inside, you're going to start developing feelings for each other. And that's also totally normal. And I don't doubt

that he likes you. But there's a good chance, there's a good chance you could say to him, this is what I want. And he could say, oh, I don't know. You know, and he could reference the age difference. He could reference the different lifestyles, all which might be valid excuses on his part, not bullshit. Then you need to decide, all right, well, this isn't in line with what I want. And then you should probably leave. And he can decide whether he's willing to sacrifice some of those. Is he able to get over those things or not?

Right. But right now, you guys are going to get to the point where we're just going to really waste each other's time. And then keep in mind that you can only guard yourself so much, right? You can't pretend, right? You got into this thinking, well, I'm guarded, so I'm going to friend with benefit. Now you like them. There's nothing you can do about that. So one way or another, when this ends, you're going to be sad, right? You're going to be disappointed and you're going to feel a little bit of heartbreaking you'll you'll survive that i have no doubt but whether it ends today or ends in a year you're not going to feel nothing um so you might as well get the most out of this

relationship that you want right instead of like half-assing it uh to protect uh your ego and pride and things like that. Like you're a beautiful girl. You seem like, you know, like, you know what you want. You,

you, you have a good head on your shoulders. And again, I just want to say that you are only 24. So like, if you like them, go for it, you know?

And you said you confronted him drunkenly. What did he say when you did that? Well, he basically just sort of like i don't know like he he kind of just kind of brushed it off brushed off the issue because i texted him about it and he was just like well he didn't see how he was in the wrong doing anything yeah because he's because he's clear because he told you where he he was in the wrong doing anything yeah because he's because he's clear because he told you

he's not doing anything wrong I think he is but that's I don't think he's doing anything wrong but like he's like she has to set some boundaries I mean

there's no you guys don't have a contract there's no there's no written rule that if you're friends with benefits he can't introduce you to his parents

you're reaching out to him it sounds like the texting back and forth is pretty even listen i i get what rochelle is saying to a certain degree but like he i'm assuming he has feelings too this is on you to say that he likes of course he likes you like no guy is going to talk to you every you know like he went to with you on valentine's day he, he's texting every day. He likes you, right? He just might, I don't know if he's in love with you and I don't, he could like you and still go on dates. He might, he might just like you be saying like, I like this girl, but like we have our differences and I just don't see how a relationship could really work out. That's, he could say the same things that you're saying, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it is on you to set your boundaries.

So boundaries could be like, listen, I do like you, and I like this friends with benefits situation. And I'm going to be honest with you, like, I do like meeting your parents. And I liked the fact that we went out to Valentine's Day. And I kind of like, I do like you, and I could go there. I know that you might not want to. But if we're going to keep doing this, what I don't want, and I'm going to just point it out there, because then I'm going to call you on it going forward if you do it, is I don't want you to do these things that make me feel special and unique.

If you are going out with other people, I don't want to meet your parents. They're lovely people, but I don't want to get to know them if we're not in a relationship. I don't want to take trips together. I don't want to do like celebrate Valentine's Day. But that's on you to set those boundaries and then after that if he doesn't respect the boundaries that you set then you have the right to call him out but right now you're like well i want him to like you're yeah you're not you want him to guess you want to pretend like you don't care you want to pretend like you don't care

um and yeah and he might have different expectations of what friends with benefits mean. So you guys haven't like, you haven't set those upfront expectations about that. And you're just afraid to get an answer. And I get that. But you need to start setting some boundaries. And I think you need to start preparing yourself to admit to him that you like him. And it's okay if he doesn't respond the way you want him to.

But stop pretending that your feelings in the situation are his. What I'm saying by that is, I wouldn't be surprised if some of the things you said on the top of this call were things that you think he might say about what your difference, you know, well, I'm, you know, like I'm a freelancer. I like to be, but I know she wants to slow down.

I'm not very religious and I know it's important to her. And now you're just kind of saying that, I don't know, but I, my gut tells me that maybe that might be the case. It's, it's, you really like them and that's okay and i know he likes you i just don't know how much and right now he's definitely gotten to a bit of a comfort zone with uh being able to do whatever he wants and he's human and and uh it's on you to tell him to stop if you want him to stop and then he has the right to say well i don't want to stop and then at that point, you have to not pretend that you're okay with that because you're not. Yeah.

And then you have to be prepared to lose him. Yeah. If it ain't now, it's going to be later. And I just want to emphasize, whether it ends today or ends in a year, you're going to be sad that he is not in your life and that's okay and you will survive, but it's only going to be sad that he is not in your life and that's that's okay and you will survive but it's only going to get harder if you uh if you keep kind of being a little dishonest with yourself

about your feelings in the situation no i get that you're gonna be okay hannah thank you you're a total babe you seem really nice uh you're gonna be totally fine set some there like no guy has ever had a girl set boundaries and again you might not get what you want but he you know you'll get a positive reaction one way or the other and again he might not but he what i'm saying is no girl has ever set boundaries to a guy and not have him respect her get you know like you know sometimes they don't handle it well but like especially this guy i can i know this guy you know all right so like trust me he will at least temporarily he'll probably get a good response um you might get some excuses too but stay stay on your ground. You really got to stay on your ground.

Yeah. Yeah. And you got to sometimes go cold turkey, you know, and just be like, you know, like, and I like you, but like this friends with benefit thing has expired. You know, we did, we had a good run, but now I want something more and I deserve something more, whether that's with you or someone else. And I'm at the point in my life where i want to invest in that i met you when i

was guarded etc etc this is what i want you gotta say it to yourself first though do it do it yeah when you talk to your friends talk that way talk like i want more now i expect more i did this little thing i want more you gotta say that out loud say it to your friend say it to yourself and then say it to him yeah okay you can do it thank you guys i believe in you all right bye take care bye oh theme today what that delaying the inevitable delaying the inevitable yeah well like again with the first first call she's you you know, do I go back with him? I don't know. You know? You're just delaying the inevitable.

Right. It's only going to like, sometimes, yeah, listen, when dating, we say this, dating's hard. Heartbreak is a thing. It's part of the process. The good news is, experience a few times, you get a little numb to it, it's fine. But you can't cheat it you can't you can't uh you can't it's eventually going to happen one way or the other either you're going to hurt someone or you're going to be hurt or both but you can't keep doing things to

like have prevent it um it's just it's going to happen one way. So when you do it, you know, be honest, be direct, be honest with yourself and just do it. And you can't not do it because you're afraid of the answer. Because you're going to get the answer at some point.

It's just going to happen. It's an absolute. These 30-year-old fuck fuck boys it's like trying to tame a wild horse man gotta break them in you gotta whip them and yeah but again she's an adult i still i don't think i should act like that what i still don't think i should do that guys should do what like um what do you mean what is he doing that he shouldn't the valentine's day the family texting every day and still like i think that's on you at some point to be like it's not well and it's on you it's on the guy to not do that to someone to someone

what do you mean by that he can tell that she really really likes him how do we know that she said she's confronted him a couple times about it when we got on the call i this very much sounded like again i i didn't read her email but when we got on the call this sounded like she at first had the power very like assertive about like what she wanted and what she didn't want and she was worried about him liking her more and then that's not what i understand that but what i'm saying is she could be doing the same thing to him right she's putting on a bit of a front to protect herself and you're i think you're suggesting that he should be some sort of mind reader because of what he's either a guy or older i mean she seems very mature He could be less mature than her.

I don't know. She could have said to him, like, let's just go on a Valentine's Day. I'm not doing anything. You're not doing anything. Like, we should definitely have sex. And if she says that, is he supposed to, what, condescend her and say, well, you don't know what you're talking about, you young 24-year-old. You know, like, I'm just saying it's a little like, you know, she's not a victim.

She's an adult in this situation and she needs to set boundaries for herself. And if she keeps pretending that she doesn't care, it's not on him to care for her. Right. I know. And it's a little messy sometimes. And you know what? You're right. In some situations, if a guy or girl feels like,

like our first caller, she has, she knows she has the power here. She knows that like he really likes her and she knows that she doesn't really like him, but she feels bad. That would be a dick move to like go out with him on Valentine's day because she's bored and lonely. But that's not, that's not Hannah here. Likeannah here like she is she is like she's you know she he brings out to their family and she calls them out like well why are you doing that we're friends with benefit what she really

wants to hear is well it's because i like you and i want to introduce my parents she's not saying that so she's not communicating effectively and maybe he not he isn't either yeah but you're you know like it she is an adult in this dating situation and she is responsible for setting her own expectations and if she's not willing to do that then you can't always expect the other party to quote-unquote do the right thing because they're also thinking of themselves and they're protecting their own hearts and maybe you know who knows yeah how's it going hi good what's your name i'm margaret i'm from virginia hi margaret from virginia how old are you i am 58 years old yay all right we are a broad show we uh we cover all spectrums

what do you mean? Broad. We have 18-year-olds calling in. We have 58-year-olds calling in. Margaret, thanks for calling in. We're excited about this one. How can we help? Well, my daughter will be 30 next month.

She is not married. She is very independent. She loves to travel, but she is not interested in settling down at all. And I'm 58. I do have an older son with grandkids, but she's my baby and I'm ready for her to move it along. Okay. So your daughter doesn't necessarily have the problem. You have the problem with. Yeah. Okay. How old were you when you got married?

I was 20 the first time. Oh. Okay. And when. And so, yeah. And so you're. I mean, in all seriousness, like, is this something that you're really, do you have disagreements with your daughter over this topic? Not really disagreements, but she doesn't want to talk to me about it anymore.

So I'm not allowed to ask if she's dating anybody who she's going to dinner with. That's a boundary. You've gotten to the point where you annoyed her enough that she shut you down. Yeah, yeah, I have. Okay. I have. I guess, what is your question? Well, what's your generation?

You're a little bit older than her, but what's your generation waiting for? Why are they not wanting to get married and settle down? I mean, we got married young, but my second husband was military, so we've traveled the world. And she's seen a lot of the world herself. She went on a backpacking tour two years ago by herself, traveled the world. So she's done a lot of things. So I think the next step is to find somebody and get married. Maybe. Maybe she feels totally different. I think what's different about the younger generations now, your daughter's a millennial. Technically, I'm a millennial. I'm at the right, I'm on the end. And the generation younger is, yeah, the average person's getting married later in life.

I think like it's 29, 30, right around your daughter's age. But, and I think there's pros and cons of both. I mean, the pro to your generation is like, there was just more of a set, the world was smaller in a sense. There was more of a set. The world was smaller in a sense. There was more of a set playbook, if you will. You went to high school, maybe you went to college. And then the person you were in love with at that point, that's who you got married.

And you, you know, it was just like what you did and not only what you did, but everyone around you did. So if you weren't getting married and you weren't having kids you were considered an outsider if you will um and now people are less and people are doing that less and less specifically women right like back in the day old school it was like your job like my your job was to like get married and have babies you weren't even expected to like consider having a career or go to work, you know. Now we can feel more empowered to do that. And rightfully so. Not all women want to do that, but it's certainly more of an option for them. And just like men throughout history, you know,

are settling down later and later and because they've been focused on their careers and they're just less concerned about that. So it's not so much like that your daughter hasn't seen the world. She just might not be willing to give up some of the freedom that she's enjoyed. She has this independent kind of bug in her, which is great. Very much. Yeah. does she ever say to you that she wants to someday get married and have kids yeah yeah she mentioned it and she'll say you know when I have kids but she doesn't want to share anything else but my dad was like 32 and had five kids you know what I'm saying so like this whole idea well I had two kids when I was your age kids you know what i'm saying so like this whole idea well i had two kids

when i was your age well you know no offense margaret but good for you you know like it's a different it's a different it is a different time right i doubt very much that you want your daughter to uh feel the pressure of being single and not having kids and then go on some dating app and then settle down with a guy she kind of likes only to be miserable at 35. And then you have one grandchildren and she's, they get divorced. And then all of a sudden you're like, you don't get to see your grandchildren quite as much because he's a total dick. And there's always these constant custody battles, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Right?

I mean, I think that's... Yeah, you're right about that. I think that's fair to say. How old were you when you got divorced? I was 23 when I got divorced, and I was 25 when I got married again. Okay. And did you have kids before or not? Yes. My older son is 36, so I had him when I was 22.

Okay. And then I have... Yeah. I mean, I don't think there's much. I think you would be making a mistake to spend a lot of time comparing your young life to hers. I mean, for a lot of reasons. I mean, it's just a different time. You might even have different personalities.

I don't know. Does your daughter take after you? Like, do you see yourself in her or do you, does she maybe more take after her dad? She takes a lot after her dad. She's really much more, well, I had three kids when I was her age, but she's much more independent. But we kind of raised her like that. We wanted her to have a career so that she could take care of herself, that she didn't have to depend on somebody else, but I

also want her to be happy and not be alone. And I'm 58. You probably have parents close to my age. So our time on earth is getting shorter you're going to be fine Margaret she's 30 she's not 45 right she can meet someone tomorrow I do think in the present time

you kind of nagging her and bugging her is only going to put a strain on your relationship and it's only going to make her feel resentment towards you that is quite unnecessary right so does she date um i i think so because every once in a while she'll mention i went somewhere to meet somebody but again she won't tell me well because you won't tell me anymore so i just don't ask that's on you though right so that's on me.

I think you need to just try to reset. Maybe just have a moment. You can be like, I talked to this random dude on the internet and he said I should chill out. But in all seriousness, you could say, you know what? I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know that your happiness means a lot to me

and you know I want grandkids but I'm sorry that I made you feel a certain way but either way, I would love to if you feel comfortable hearing about your life and I promise not to make you feel judged or ask too many questions but like you are my daughter and so I'd love to hear what's going on you know in your life and then whenever it is you settle down I'm here for it and I'll be excited but you're not not going to like pressure her, make her feel guilty or fall in love with every guy she brings home just because they like give you a hug and they're kind of nice the first two times. You know, he might be a total asshole. There are a lot of guys who know how to be nice to parents and are very charming that are total dicks to their girlfriends.

Yes, that's true. Yeah, like she doesn't want to have to explain herself to you all the time. So if I were you, I would let her know that you are sorry for making her feel that way because I'm guessing it would be fun to hear some of these stories and it would be fun to not tiptoe around her. Now she could probably be nicer about it but you've caught you you kind of started it so maybe you try to end it in terms of like going out there and saying hey you know and that will probably put a lot of a lot of less pressure on her um and not feeling any resentment about it

because my guess is she probably she probably wants wants to slow down as much as you want her to, right? Okay. Yeah, maybe. She's not going to tell you that, right? She would never tell you that. Right, no, she's not. Because she doesn't want to give you that satisfaction, and she doesn't want to put that pressure on herself.

So you're not going to change anything, right? She's decided not to get married in her early 20s and there's definitely it is challenging there's kind of this you know it's like if you even today there's a lot of people who still settle down that same period of life early 20s right it still happens all the time and it's a lot easier to do that because you you're kind of you know for a lack of a better word ignorance is bliss right it's easier lot easier to do that because you're kind of, you know, for a lack of a better word, ignorance is bliss, right? It's easier to fall. You're in your early 20s.

You see someone. You're like, I love you. You know, let's get married, you know. And has she had heartbreak before? Has she had boyfriends? She has had boyfriends. But honestly, she's broken up with all of them. Okay.

but honestly, she's broken up with all of them. But her other, I mean, her friends that she's good friends with, that she's been friends with for a long time, they're all the same. Like her? Her first, yeah, like her. You say that like it's a disease. Yeah. They're all wonderfully independent.

Do you ever look at her life and the things she's gotten to see and do and think like, oh, that would have been fun. I would have liked to do that. Oh, my gosh. Yes, absolutely. I would have never gone backpacking around the world by myself. Yeah. But she did. But all the technology that we have now, we could keep tabs on her when she was in South America, when she was in Asia, when she was in Australia. So it was, and, you know, we can FaceTime with her.

It made it really easy, but it, you know, it's still, it's still a worry, but I'm glad that she, What are you worried about? Well, it, like when she was in South America, you just, that's not one of the safest places. What are you worried about with her not having a relationship? I don't want her to be alone. Doesn't sound like she's alone.

What? Doesn't sound like she's alone at all. Well, she's not, I guess, because she does have a lot of friends. Is she living in a big city? Yes, she moved to Denver about guess, because she does have a lot of friends. Where is she? Does she live in a big city? Yes, she moved to Denver about a year and a half ago. But she was in D.C. for eight years before that. Maybe look at your fears around it and try and be rational about what that really is, because it doesn't sound like she is in any kind of danger or lack.

So maybe reframing that might be good. But congratulations on raising an awesome, independent, adventurous woman. Good job. Now you have to reap what you sowed. Yeah. Too much independence. I don't think you can have. I mean, yeah, I get where you're coming from you're you're not

alone with a lot of parents doing that but I don't think uh I think you do need to reframe your perspective um I think in the short term you should like right try to reconnect with your daughter and make her feel like yeah no I kind of did this I'm sorry I'm just being a mom but I apologize for making you feel this way but I hope that can like, I'd love to hear some of your dating stories and I will do that without ever judgment or rolling my eyes or asking kind of questions. Like she is going to, like clearly your daughter's going to settle down when she wants to and nothing's going to change that. And you're not going to change that. No guy's going to change that. And again, I think you should feel a sense of pride about that because there are a lot of people in this world

and a lot of women who do struggle with uh chasing guys because they just want somebody and they're just you know they don't set their own expectations about what they want for from a dating standpoint and it sounds like your your daughter uh knows what she wants you know and and won't settle on that and i think that's something that you again like rochelle said you should feel proud that she feels that way because there's a lot of people who don't and then there is a lot of people who don't and then get themselves in very toxic and unhealthy situations and start having kids they can't stand and then like you have a grandchildren but that's a which is great and it's a blessing and but sometimes that can be challenging um she's still young she still has plenty of years to to have kids and you're still you know you're still young

margaret you know 50 58 it's like the new 40 um you're, so you, yeah, I think in the, yeah, in the short term, try not to stress her out because she isn't you. It is a different time. Yeah, we,

our society is telling us and rightfully so that we don't have to immediately get married as soon as we're done with college or high school. We don't have to settle down with the person that we're in a relationship in our early twenties because that person, as we've come to find, isn't always the person that we want to spend the rest of our life with. I've been married twice. There you go. Right.

So, yeah. And like living a single life, it's different. It's a different experience than the one you have. And the people have when they're in relationships is different. It's not worse or better. It's just different.

A different experience. A different life path. Maybe she'll get knocked up. You'll have a grandkid. She's not going to do that. I don't want grandkids that way. You know what? But you just take them any way you get.

It sounds like you raised a good daughter. I have two that live close by, but they're my sons. I think it would go a long way if you sat your daughter down and said, listen, I apologize, blah, blah, blah, for all the things I said, but I do realize that I'm really proud of the woman you became, and I'm going to take a lot of credit for that as a joke. But you know what I'm saying? You did. out of the woman you became and i'm going to take a lot of credit for that as a joke but you know what i'm saying like you did like i think you're i think you're i think you're losing sight on uh all the great things uh that your daughter has become at the at you know at the the risk of

not being like everyone else as you say or not doing things the way you did and you being a little impatient um because you know, without talking to her, it sounds like she's not lonely. She has friends. She's getting, seeing the world. She's confident herself. She's not willing to settle. And there's a good chance she's going to find a guy when she's ready that she really likes. And then even if that means when she's 33, 34 years old, that means that she has 20 30 more years of spending every day with someone she truly loves not kind of likes and she has a family with someone she has a lot in common with and she can do the things that she

likes to do with him and they can raise the type of family that way they want to raise not again with someone that she's like borderline indifferent about six years later yeah you know yeah you're right you're right i just have to be patient you do gotta be patient margaret thank you so much yeah it's been a fun call um let us know i'd love we would love an update on this okay i will i will keep you updated thank you mar, Margaret. And thanks for listening. All right. All right. All right. Bye-bye. All right. Yeah. What a great call. You know, classic parents.

Relatable. Relatable. I commend Margaret for asking the question. Yeah. And putting it out there and being willing to get objective feedback on what her daughter's point of view might be um i think this is our society you know yeah people still feel like they have to justify why they're single or why they haven't settled down yet i wonder like part of me wonders if she's a little jealous of her daughter and that's the way she's reacting i don't know i mean i don't think so maybe but like i don't know. I mean, I don't think so. Maybe, but like, I don't think it's...

Because my grandma, my mom is a neonatal nurse practitioner and my grandma always like hated that she did that and like went to college. And part of me always thought like, maybe she feels bad she never got to go to school. But I don't know. I mean, that's possible. I don't, Margaret doesn't seem like a jealous person.

I think she just, you know, I think she had in her mind, I think as this is coming from guys never been a parent, but it's safe to say that as parents, we have an idea of how we want our kids to be by how we raise them. And then when they don't do what we kind of hoped for them, it's hard to accept sometimes. And I think that's a pretty normal feeling. I don't think that necessarily means jealousy. Not saying that can't happen with parents, but I don't necessarily. And she seems like very happy their daughter's got to do what she does.

She just wants some kids and she wants her. She thinks she's assuming that her daughter is alone when she's not. How's it going? Hey. Hi. What's your name? Hi. I'm Kelly. I'm 39. Hi, Kelly. 39. How can we help? About seven months ago, I was broken up with after a two and a half year relationship we were living together and he was leaving for he was a musician and he was leaving for tour for like five months and the day he left for tour he never spoke to me again and he texted me about five days later and told me to move out

oh wow and i never heard from him again okay i'm sorry is there a question um yeah the question is because I never got to talk to him or have any closure around this, I wrote a closure letter. It's been kind of a long road of recovery, but I wrote this letter and I have it. And I'm just, the question is to send the letter or not to send the letter. I know he's probably could care less. We'll read read it, will read it, make him angry. I don't know. Well, I think the important thing in that is that it won't change the outcome. So regardless of whether he reads it or doesn't or whatever his reaction is,

it won't change his feelings. So if you're sending it with any hope that he will reevaluate his decision, I highly doubt that. Now, that's not to say, and I'm not saying this to make you feel better, it's not to say he might pop back in your life at any given moment at his convenience, but it certainly won't be a result of that letter. That much I'm certain of. I am curious though, that much I'm certain of. I am curious though, you know, it sounds like this was abrupt and you were shocked, et cetera, et cetera. But when you think back on the relationship, were you blissfully happy and everything was perfect and then one day he left or were you just caught off guard and hurt by how it happened?

But maybe looking back, realize that maybe you felt like he was constantly doing what he want when he wanted it. And you were constantly accepting his behavior. I think in hindsight, there was probably some of that, but, um, we were pretty damn happy. Like we were talking about marriage. We'd spent the summer in Europe. We, you know, had animals together. We had plans, which was a whole thing. So, um, yeah, it was, it was pretty was pretty blindsided okay how long were you did how did you tell us how long you dated for two years two and a half years um and you had

no contact with him other than he says he sent a text five weeks later move out he sent a text about about 10 days after he left. And you said, had you been texting and calling him like constantly? Sorry. Had, did you like text him and call him constantly after he said that? I didn't go crazy. I didn't send like 50 texts. I maybe sent all in total, like, you know, 50 texts i maybe sent all in total like you know 10 to 15 messages like what the hell is going on um asking him to talk to me and he just completely ghosted me erased me from his instagram

all of our friends dropped like flies they just scattered like all of his friends too like so you had mutual friends and they all left you wow we had a whole community of friends and it was nobody reached out people were unfriending me on social media it was i don't know what if he had to make up lies or say something to make himself feel like this was justified in some way. Did you meet all his friends, all your group of friends, your community, were they all through him when you started dating? Yeah, most of them. Okay. I'm sorry. That's tough.

I mean, there's. Is he like in a relationship now? Do you know? He's on his second relationship since this happened seven months ago. This happened seven months ago. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I think, you know, listen, that really sucks,

and I'm sorry there's no way to necessarily make you feel better about it. You can only try to learn from it, I guess guess and there's only so much you can do there you know um weird yeah you know it's weird um you know musicians they're a tricky bunch um first musician you've ever dated um no but the longest long term like i'm i'm honestly curious because i'm being somewhat judgmental about you know like have all your other relationships with musicians been just as unpredictable yeah i have a lot of friends who are who have dated musicians and they they they all tend to have some um tragic stories about the unpredictableness of that's not always the case but um i think you know in this situation it's always important to diversify your friend you know if you date someone and all of a sudden

you're like all of our friends are your friends unfortunately sometimes that can happen did you and you were friends with all of them you felt like you were close with them they weren't like they weren't like kind of just being nice to you because they were his friends i really felt like we were all really tight yeah like we had we traveled together we had lots of experiences together i i like made a point to focus on our like community of friends because i was in it like the whole thing um and i think it's just like i just feel like it's not fair he got to drop this and walk away and not realize the damage that he caused it's's not fair. It's definitely not fair. But I think once you say that you need to just,

unfortunately you got to accept it, right? Closure doesn't come from apologies. It comes from you accepting the reality of the situation. You're only going to make it worse by saying, this is not fair. It's not fair. He needs to fix this. And I need, you know, your ego is just like, you deserve better than this. And he owes you this

apology. And listen, you do deserve better. And it would be nice to get an apology. But at this point, you're giving, you're still continuing to give him all this power by saying, I need this from him to move on. Right it's been seven months and so like it could be seven more months if you're just going to continue to obsess over the tragic i mean this is tragic and it sucks and i'm sorry but at this point you can only keep feeling shitty about it and keep being trying to understand why these people did this very unfriendly and mean thing. But you're not the only one who people have done mean things to. And I only say that not to make you, you know, it's just like sometimes shitty things happen and that sucks. And it does. We've been

there and it's just like, ugh, you know, but I want to like, like you said, it's just like ugh you know but i want like it like you said it's been seven months it's a long time and i'd like it to not be seven more months right and i'd like you just kind of like kind of if you feel stupid about this happening forgive yourself that there's not there's nothing to forgive but sometimes you just have to be like this is okay this is not a reflection of me i didn't do anything wrong if you want to just to like make sure you can like look back and be was i like ever annoying and i'm sure you were because everyone is sometimes but like that's not why that didn't justify his actions right like you know i'm just simply saying in any breakup you can look back and be like well how could i have been a better girlfriend you

know or boyfriend like i'm sure you could have, right? Everyone could be again, that doesn't justify what he did. But if you're trying to like make the negative into a positive, you could do that. But you don't want to like, you need to try to heal and get over this so that your next relationship, you're just not like downloading this tragic story on them. You know, like you don't want your next date or your next boyfriend to try to pick up the pieces of you being like you know dumped by an entire community um yeah and you know maybe your next boyfriend like isn't someone who like has such a tight community and and travels on the road because i can only i'm guessing like this community like, is he in a band? Yeah, a little bit of everything.

So they have friends and they go on the road and it's a very, like you said, tight group of which the loyalty is going to always be with him. And then people come and go out of this group. You're probably not the first one who has had this happen to them in this group, if that makes you feel better, is my guess. So you got to, so it's good that you wrote the letter, but you need to like- For yourself.

For yourself. And if you want to send it, fine. I don't think- It will note, I'm just saying like, doesn't really matter. Sometimes you need to send it just to get it out there, but you need to realize it's not going to, it's not not gonna change anything um it's a good chance he won't read it and you have to like remind yourself that you don't need him to uh make you feel like you

deserved better um he's you know that's a quote it's a like that's a wild thing for him to do so now you're trying to understand crazy and you know what i'm saying you're trying to like i'm not saying he's a narcissist or anything like that but like a narcissist would do something like that right so like so let's say for argument's sake that he is a narcissist fine all the more reason why it would be kind of insane for you to try to understand the actions of someone who doesn't know how to show empathy for anyone. You know what I'm saying? But themselves, you know, and again, he doesn't have to be a narcissist. Like you're not, you don't have to be a narcissist to do mean things to people. That's not the explanation for any, everything, but you get what I'm saying though.

Like he is demonstrating extreme behavior that shows a lack of empathy for someone's feelings, someone he claimed to really love and care about. And now you're trying to understand that logic. That's true. And that's only going to drive... You can drive yourself crazy trying to understand crazy. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. My therapist, because I understand that feeling of wanting to like

have someone pay for what they did or like get revenge in a way or make them feel bad. But he just said, like, that's not your job. Your job isn't to isn't to get make them feel the consequences like they will have the consequences of their actions. That's the way the world works. You get consequences. It's karma. What you do comes back to you.

So you can let that go as part of your responsibility of, of like, because if that revenge feeling, it only ultimately hurts you. And I would, I would, I mean, I guess I kind of believe in karma,

but even more so like not even worrying about whether they get it, you know? Like that's not, sometimes you'd be like, oh, well, it's not my job. But like, as long as I find out that like karma gets them and then your Facebook, you're looking them up on Instagram every year. Like, you know, when you're, the fact that you know he's on a second relationship.

Yeah, you know too much. You're just like trying to like, you're trying to, oh, it must, it's not your problem anymore. Yeah. I agree with Rochelle. It's safe to say that someone who does stuff like this is probably just generally not happy and he's constantly chasing happiness and excitement and he gets bored quickly and he

runs through people emotionally all the time. Something like that will probably never totally be happy. But that's not, like like it's not going to get you anywhere hoping that he will wake up one day and realize he made a mistake or made a lot of mistakes or feels sadness you know like i don't think holding on to that anger is going to do anything positive for your heart you know um it's it's not a reflection of you like you did nothing wrong and you just have to forgive yourself for judging yourself at times because it's safe to say that you probably have done that um by like it's just natural i mean to like have be hurt and then feel stupid or feel

silly and then try to justify it and And you need to stop doing that. You know, there's nothing to feel stupid or silly about, you know, it could have been anyone. And there's a lot of people who have been ghosted and you don't have to date someone for, you know, on two dates, people, it goes after two years and it's not okay, but you know, unfortunately it happens, but now you're only just making it worse. Yeah. I think there's a ton of self blame that comes with it. Cause you start questioning like everything. Ghosting is like the meanest thing that you can do to anybody.

Yeah. Especially, I mean, this is not the same, but like, and eventually we got back together, but I can kind of like i my first girlfriend and again it was the young love and it was fairly toxic and we were just figuring it out but one time we broke up and we didn't break up she just disappeared i mean she still lived like 10 miles away or whatever but like yeah she refused to take my calls and it was just like i was at a total loss and it was sucked and it was um yeah it sucks it sucks to to feel like someone just doesn't want anything to do with you and just their way of handling it is to just leave um but again that's because they've they in that moment think that's what they need they're

not he's not he doesn't care about you and i know that sucks to hear but i have take comfort in the fact that he can only care he only has the capacity to really care about himself you know i'm sorry that that happened to you though and good for you for working through it and writing the letter and yeah but you uh you got to move on you got to really i think it's time you got too much going for you tough love for yourself yeah but you uh you got to move on you got to really i think it's time you got too much going for you tough love for yourself yeah like you got to get back out there yeah you got to stop wondering about why his friends did this or why he did this and how does he care does he ever think about it does he ever regret it if would he read this and i've been there but like you're spending so much of your day still thinking about a relationship that ended seven months ago

and you really got to stop. And you really like when you're in your car driving and your mind wanders there, you literally got to stop. And you'll go back there five minutes later, but you just really, you got to stop. I'm glad you called. Thanks for sharing your story.

Stop talking to your friends about it. Stop talking to your mom about it. Don't call another podcast. Like, you know what I'm saying? You really got to stop. Do something ceremonial to let it go. Because that's so hard. Burn the letter.

Yeah, burn it. If you want to say it's fine, but it's not going to change anything. But you really delete him from your life. Yeah. You know, literally and figuratively. Because, you know, right now you're kind of in this emotional prison and you're too great to let that happen look at you you're a total babe yeah smart talented yeah um yeah yeah like i said i'm sure

like you are a total babe you probably grew up your whole life thinking and i've been there and it's like this can never happen to me and then it did you know but that's just your ego you know but don't let your ego make this worse than it needs to be yeah yeah yeah that's time to move on it really is there is there's plenty of guys i'm sure will love to date you. Yeah, please. Screw that guy. But when they do, you do not want to be sitting down and meeting a nice guy and just pour out this story.

You're going to look like a hot mess. So deal with it. Have you talked to a therapist? Yeah. I've actually been doing a lot of work. Great. Awesome. So deal with it. Have you talked to a therapist? Have you seen? Yeah. Yeah. I've actually been doing a lot of work. Great.

Awesome. It's just so hard to shape when you, you know. But again, it's funny. I said, have you talked to a therapist? And I would almost say that reluctantly to you only because I think you just need to stop fucking talking about it, you know? And I know that you've done like, again, because I've been there. I do ruminate a lot. So like I say that without judgment that I'm confident knowing that you've thought about this nonstop for seven months.

And it's time to stop. Yeah, thought about it. It's time to stop. Yeah. So that's my biggest takeaway. All right? Thank you for calling. Burn the letter.

Burn the letter. Burn it whatever whatever you do with it you just have a all your friends over and do something force yourself to stop talking about it and it starts with you like stop thinking about it stop talking about it tell yourself i'm happy i'm gonna i'm strong even if you don't believe it if i can fake it till you make it you know it'll take a few months but eventually it'll you'll actually start believing it but right now you're not even giving yourself a shot yeah you're true you're you're right it's true all right all right best of luck thanks you're gonna be fine i believe in you all right bye yeah i've been there. Yeah. Yeah. Were you just obsessed? I mean, yeah, I was 21 at the time when that happened,

but because it doesn't really matter. Also, when you're dating a successful musician, you have all these fantasies of how your life's going to go. Sure, but I think it's less about that. I think it's more about the ego. I mean, listen, what happened there was tragic. So like, you know, even if you don't have an ego, that's, you feel so much embarrassment. Oh, yeah.

You feel tragic. And then especially if you had a whole community and then, you know, she gets older and, you know, I get older and you were like, oh, I can't believe this happened to me now. And it's the bullshit I thought I was going to happen when I was 21. But yeah, regardless of what age you are when it happens it's not so much an obsession it's just

like you think well how could this happen to me yeah and then to try to justify this to your ego and explain to your ego that you're not a total loser yeah you spend like every moment trying to like understand yeah you try to understand crazy and uh you can drive yourself crazy um but yeah so well another uh great episode i learned a learned a lot uh biggest takeaway today is uh you can't delay the inevitable yeah you know either rip off that band-aid rip it off be honest with yourself uh you can't avoid heartbreak one way or the other. Yeah. It's coming for you.

It's coming for you. Well, thanks for listening, guys. Another great episode. Don't forget to subscribe, sending your reviews, and sending your questions at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K. And we will see you tomorrow. Mm-hmm.

Have a good day.