The Viall Files - E1072 Ask Nick - My Husband's Best Friend Made a Move on Me

Episode Date: February 2, 2026

Our first caller wonders if she's intimidating or just totally oblivious.The second caller is grappling with broken trust after her fiancé lied about an addiction, with only four months until "I do." And our final caller needs tough advice to navigate messy friend-group drama. "You just have to own who you are." The Viall Files is going LIVE with the new cast of Temptation Island on May 6th! Presale is already open if you use code JOKES. General sale starts Friday January 23rd @10am PT. For more information, please visit netflixisajokefest.com.  Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content?  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Love drama, tough questions, and Nick's honest advice? Follow @asknickviall on Instagram and Tiktok for dating and relationship advice from someone who's seen it all  HEY! YOU! DO YOU NEED DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE?  Email [e-mail] and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes! Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter   Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff now!  Listen on Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774298881  Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=3b868996930347e8  Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod Listen To Disrespectfully with Katie Maloney and Dayna Kathan now! Listen on Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/disrespectfully/id1516710301 Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0J6DW1KeDX6SpoVEuQpl7z?si=c35995a56b8d4038 Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCh8MqSsiGkfJcWhkan0D0w To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Helix Sleep - Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall  for 27% off sitewide for their President's Day Sale. Shipstation - Try ShipStation free for sixty days with Full access to all features, No credit card needed! Go to https://shipstation.com and use code viall for sixty days for free! Article Furniture - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more To claim, visit https://article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout David Protein - Don't just take my word for it – go grab one for yourself. Head to Walmart today to try a bar or stock up on 4CTs of your favorite flavors, like Blueberry Pie and Salted Peanut Butter, sold exclusively at Walmart. ASPCA - To explore coverage, visit https://aspcapetinsurance.com/viall  Article Furniture - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more To claim, visit https://article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles   Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (01:31) - Caller One (34:18) - Caller Two (01:19:15) - Caller Three  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @the_mare_bare @izeweaver  

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What's up, everybody? We have a very exciting announcement for all the Ask Nick audience out there. We have new Instagram and TikTok specifically for Ask Nick. So if you want to avoid all the pop culture and reality TV content that we're putting out there

and just focus on all things, relationship, dating, interpersonal relationships, and just ask Nick content, Just please give us a follow. It's Ask Nick Viol on Instagram and TikTok. So give us a follow and enjoy. We'll be glad that you did. All right, let's get to our first caller,

but not before you go on and give us a follow. How's it going? Hi, my name is Melanie. I'm 33, and I'm wondering, am I too intimidating or am I oblivious? What do you mean by both, I guess? Okay. So I give a little context of my question. So I have been single for the past four years. I came out of a long-term relationship. And I have been, you know, trying to navigate the dating scene. And I've had a lot of bad luck. And I've been working with a therapist in this time. And what she's told me for majority of, of things with men is that I'm too intimidating. That's why things aren't working out.

Did she elaborate on what she meant by intimidating? And I guess my follow up question of that is, was that like a news to you where you're like, whoa, never heard that before? Or did it like kind of, was it someone in line with maybe feedback or you've gotten before? You know, kind of, like I could kind of see what she's saying. Like, she kind of gives me context. Like, you know, I've got a good career. I take care of myself. But a part of me just like doesn't fully believe it because I also have girlfriends that are just as successful as me take care of themselves, you know, and they are able to find, you know, the problem is for a lot of these guys is like I can't even get a follow up after a first date. Like or and now it's even progressed to even more. I can't even get like a date.

Like they'll ask me on a date and then I'll get ghosted. Okay. Back to what your therapist was saying. Like is it just, is she just referencing the fact that you have a successful career and that you take care of yourself? Like that it? Yeah.

I mean, like I think she, yes, I think she really emphasizes it mainly on the career. So I have my own business, which I mean, is, you know, not,

I know not everyone has it, but I'm not, like I really don't see myself. is better than most with that. Like, I think most people, how do you bring, I mean, like, I guess, okay, so back to, you mentioned recently, I'm assuming a lot of the people you're connecting with with her on the apps, so to speak. You know, yes in the past, but not, honestly, not really anymore.

All right, so it's good to give me a couple examples of, like, how did you meet these guys that you, I don't know, exchange numbers, whatever, communicated a little bit. And then they just, like, disappeared. Or, like, I get, what, what are you guys? what are you talking about? You know, like, I mean, I'm just like, you know what I'm saying? Like I'm trying to figure out what, because on its face, it's like, yeah, maybe, you know, listen, people are flaky these days.

They're not in committal. You're going to, that's going to happen to everyone. But you make it seem like, you know, this is, it's becoming a thing. It's getting into your head and you're trying to assess, you know, what can you do about it. Right. Exactly. Like I've noticed, it's really becoming a pattern. So, for example, this past year, I met a guy out at a bar.

I met another guy at a concert. I met another guy at like a wellness center. So it's like a variety of places. And then I could say one off the apps I was talking to. And they'll all kind of lead with like, I want to take you out. And I'm like, great. And then I never hear from them again.

And I'm like, I don't. So that's all that's happening. You meet. They see your face. You exchange some information or whatever. And then they disappear. Yeah. And then sometimes, like, one recently came back and asked me out again.

And I said yes. And it's like, again. So I'm just like, I just, I mean, listen, I, the situations you're describing, I just feel like that's just how do, how do they even know what you do? I mean, just like talking and passing. I don't know if it's, see, that's the thing is like, I don't know if it's always my career. Because it's like I don't really talk about it. It's not like a big part of me.

Well, that's what I'm trying to figure, again, like, don't. Yeah. What you're describing right now, the situation, you're just describing, sadly, flaky people and people who are noncommittal. I don't know. And maybe you're just having a string of bad luck. I mean, you're just saying, hey, I met a guy at a concert. I met a guy at a bar. I got a wellness center. He saw my face. I saw his. We didn't really know. That's all we really knew about each other. You know. Right. We exchanged numbers. They didn't follow through. Like, they don't know really what I do. I mean, maybe they Googled you, you know. Maybe. I'm sure there's plenty of men out there, no doubt, that can be intimidated by women who are successful. I think most men, even if for the men who would be intimidated by that, don't want to acknowledge that. They wouldn't say that outright. They wouldn't, you know, I don't think most men would say, oh, no, she's successful. She's got money. I don't like that, you know, because that would have to be, that would be almost like them looking in the mirror and saying, well, I'm not good enough for her. I don't think right away a lot of men admit that to themselves, right?

I think, again, I'm speaking in generalities, but I'm sure there are men, you know, the men who do get intimidated, I think it's probably after, for the men who do get intimidated about women's careers and maybe your self-confidence and self-assurity in yourself. And, you know, I think that often comes after a few dates of getting to know each other and kind of feeling like, you know, and I think the typical probably explanation is, you know, listen like generally guys like bleed generally guys are kind of acts of service people who want to take care of their people they want to feel you know i guess in their masculine you know whatever that means or whatever and and you know there are maybe nuances in dynamics and relationships where you know

they're not feeling that and maybe you guys can adjust or whatever that's not what you're describing you're just like i don't know i've met a couple flaky guys i gave him my number and they didn't follow through you know like am i not hot enough or what the fuck you know yeah I mean, I kind of can't help but start thinking that. Because I'm like, my friends will talk about it. And I get it. Like, not everything's going to work out, but it's just like I can't even get to from point A to point B to see what point C is. Well, how long has this been going out?

I mean, like, what are you talking here? Is this like, has this happened three times and you're just like spiraling or, you know? No. It's kind of been like, it's, so it's been just getting progressively worse. This past year it's been happening these past three times. but like I will say when I was recently out of my last relationship, I did have like some things with these like two guys I can think of. And I guess it was.

And like they kind of just ended up becoming flakes too. And it's just like, I mean, I guess things fizzle in a way. I just, I don't. What tell me about your last relationship. What did it end? So I was actually married. Okay. And I got divorced.

It was about 10. We were together for 10 years. We're only married for six. Kind of got a long engagement and then couldn't really get out of the whole wedding plan thing. So- You're still married for six years. No, no, I was married for six months. Six months?

Yeah. You were together for 10 years. Yeah. Married for six months. Yeah, when you sign for a venue, it's kind of hard to back out. What do you mean by that? So, like, we got engaged. We signed for a venue and then we actually engaged for.

Two years. Okay. And then it was around COVID. So dated for eight years finally got engaged. Yeah, yeah. And then down from there. Yeah. What was that breakup like?

I mean, you know, it was, it was, it should have happened a long time before it actually did happen. So you weren't devastated by it? No, I processed it a lot. I really tried, for those last few years, really tried hard to make it work and it just was And like we did, you know, I was in individual therapy also at that point in couples. And I just, when I cut ties, I was done. I like was. That was how long ago?

Four years ago. Four years ago. Okay. And you haven't dated anyone since more than like. No. Like I really have not had any luck in dating. And it's like like, like no one like it just seems like for a lot of them don't. It almost just seems like they don't take me seriously.

I just don't understand what, how I'm messing that up. What do you, why do you feel like they don't take you seriously? Like I don't get asked out on dates or like, or follow through or like pursued. I guess is a good way of putting it. I don't feel like no one really pursues me. And people be like, I feel like people probably are asking you out. And I'm like, well, no, I really don't get asked out. I just, I don't know if I'm giving up a bad signal.

I mean, listen, I don't, you know, it's interesting, you know, listen, you were, you were with a guy for 10 years. Yeah. And in that time, I think the dating landscape changed a lot. Yeah. You know, even for the people who were, when they were dating, you know, I've been out of the dating scene for a while now. Sure. Like, wow. But I wonder how much it has changed, you know, like obviously, we, I talk to a lot of people who like you, who are dating and, you know, the message is always, you know, listen, it's,

difficult out there. It's challenging, you know. Listen, I don't, you know, that to sound more discouraging. I mean, I'm sure there's some, there's some element to, yeah, maybe just like, maybe men lost their way in terms of pursuing. I don't, you know, I don't. Yeah. Maybe there's a little bit of that. Who are the guys you're like, what, I mean, when I say, like, the type of guys you're going for is that they are all the same, is there a variety. It's just, it doesn't really matter what they look like or what they do.

These guys tend to be tent flaky? You know, I mean, I guess physically, I kind of have a type, but they kind of, they have varied. I have worked with what my therapist saying of like up-leveling more in like, like, I could think of the first guy dated was like living at home and nothing to be wrong with living at home, but like no job, no aspirations. Yeah, I think I, you know, I'm sure there is. Like, listen, I don't.

maybe there's nothing wrong with being in your 30s and living at home if you're a guy. But I think you have the right to raise some eyebrows. I think you have the right to go, yeah, I wonder what the reason is, you know? Yeah. I don't think, yeah, I think you're allowed to question that, you know, especially, again, for someone like yourself, right? Like, you are, it's hard to, it's hard to start your own business. It's even harder to make that remotely successful.

and sustainable even to break even more hard to make a living out of it where you feel like, yeah, I mean, I'm pretty successful and I'm my own boss and I'm kind of doing my own thing. That takes a certain level of drive and commitment and perseverance and like not easy to do. You've done that, right? That's the literally opposite of the guy who's living with his parents for whatever reason. You know, like, listen, I was 28-ish. me and my then-girlfriend, fiance, whatever, had a breakup. I moved in with grandma for six, seven months.

You know, very temporary situation. If you asked me, I knew why. I was like, yeah, well, you know, it was better than living with her. So there was a reason. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I did it. And it was a memorable experience in my life. And I'll always remember it because I got to bond with grandma. And I certainly never imagined I'd be 28 in doing it.

But like, you know, as opposed to be like, yeah, I just, I don't know. It's like cheaper than getting my own place and, you know, my room's there at mom and dads. And like, I don't know. Like, why not? You know, like two very different situations, right? And so what, you know, it's like, yeah, it's not the end of the world. I'm not saying you have to run. But I think for especially for someone like yourself, you know, it probably not your guy.

Yeah. No. And like, and I lived at home too post-devores. So I'm like, I'm not against living at home. It was just, I've become more. conscious of the men of now I'm starting to pick. And that's also where I'm coming into problems is like, okay, I'm picking more guys similar to me that are, you know, more driven, take care of themselves, you know, we're kind of at the same level that. And it just,

it, I think, I mean, it is, I just wanted to hear from your side because I love listening your podcast. And I feel like you have a really good take on dating and life that like, you know, what, is it the current dating climate? Or am I. I'm like missing something like to probably both right I think yeah I think we can acknowledge that dating is hard and I think uh there are a lot of I think probably especially for women like you who are successful and like you you you know you don't need a man you know type of thing you know like you're not there might there might be women who maybe are more traditional conservative who like wake up you know who grow up to you know in their plan is to you know if you're from

the south or the Midwest it's like yeah what do you want to It's like, I want to find a husband. I want to get married. I want to be a mom. I want to have kids. And I want to, you know, and that's great, you know, for that. Like, that's not you. And also, like, you're probably more than normal now than anyways.

But this is all to say, yeah, it requires. And I think for women like you, I guess my point is, is like, yeah, I think, yeah, in the past five or 10 years, there's a lot of conversations around and different pockets of the internet in terms of, like, you know, the loneliness of men and what's wrong with men and part, you know, a lot of, you know, it's like, has the, you know, is there been an overcorrection, you know, in terms of how we've spoke about or treated men, yada, yada, yada, um, has, how's, you know, I don't know. How has that affected them? That being said, I don't feel like, you know, in the past five years, like, all men completely lost their way, you know, and,

and, you know, they're all, like, online playing video games. I don't think, I mean, I think maybe, like the younger generation is I'm even more concerned about but like you know you're during your early 30s you know like you you probably should be dating men who you know are your age are a little older and I think you know it can't be that bad and I guess yeah listen I think for all of us to answer your question I'm being long-winded here but like yes there is probably something that you haven't discovered about yourself I'm trying to figure what that is but right now I'm hearing you know you can barely get a second date with anyone and so wait when you go what what first dates have you had that you felt like were good that you were open to a second date but they weren't like

like I mean it's something as simple as like coffee and a walk like I am okay with like casual first dates I don't I'm not asking you to describe your perfect first date I'm asking what first dates have you had that you can remember you had a good time you left that first day being like, nice time. I'm interested in learning more. And then he just disappeared. And you thought, oh, what the fuck happened? Like, I thought we had a nice time.

Do you, are there a handful of those situations? Yeah, there's a couple I can think of. Yeah. I mean, there's been obviously first dates to where I'm like, oh, no. Like, this is, this is in it either. But there's been a few, yeah, where I'm just like, I don't know. I thought it was good. And like, I don't know.

When you're on dates, do you do more, most of talking or? No, honestly, probably, I feel like I really tried to work on like being, I feel like if anything, I nervously will go more to talking, asking them questions. Okay. I think with my field of work that like I'm very, I work with a lot of people and I'm used to like talking to people and like, you know, getting to know them. Are you driving the conversation? Sometimes.

I mean, there's some dates where. It's like they, the dates that are good, I will say, the ones that are good, they're asking me questions just as much back. And those are, I think that's what really makes them, I mean, like them more in a way. Do you, this is kind of a general question, but do you think when you are on dates, do you see if the men that you go on dates with are willing or capable of leading? I, you know, maybe not. I don't know.

I mean, like, that's, you know, I probably, you know, I wouldn't say I think I do, but I'm starting to question if I really do, if you know what I mean? Like, do I really? Like, are you the one suggesting the spots? Are you? No, no, no. I, you know what? No, I do let them lead in that sense.

I, I'm not asking them out. I'm not initiating. But I do, I feel like I will say can have a tendency to drive the conversation a bit. I don't know. Yeah. But no, I'm not initiating or leading dates. Yeah, and that's not the end of the world. I'm just trying to, I'm nitpicking here.

Sure, sure. Yeah. You know, do you have any other, like, dating examples where you're, like, you were really confused by the outcome? I mean, yeah, like, there's, like, there's just, I'm trying to think of it. I mean, it's just like, it's, it's so limited my dating experience. It's like, I can't, like, there's never been multiple dates where I've been, like, I don't understand what happened.

It's just kind of like it's one day and then they're gone. And it's just like I don't quite get it. And it's just like I'll even like sometimes even text to follow up. And I don't know. Are they like what do they look like physically? Are they all like really pretty men? No. I mean, I find them attractive.

But I don't know if like my friends would say they're pretty. Like they're taller guys with beer. I mean, it's... So, like, you basically... Oh, gosh. How tall are you? I'm five, six. Okay.

And the men that you're dating, are they always over six foot? Yeah. I mean, like, I'll be honest. I don't aim. Like, it's not like I'm like, I need six foot. It's just kind of how... You just, oh, you only happen to only date them. Well, okay, I actually have gone on, now I think about it.

I've gone on dates with guys that are like five. 10, 511, or 59 even, like, or even shorter, shorter than me without even realizing it. You're saying, how often, though, seriously, though? The shorter guys? Yeah. And they were, were they the same flaky people that? Yeah. Sometimes.

Yeah. Like, yeah, they were. Yeah. So 5-9 or 6-4, you just can't get a second date to save your life. Doesn't matter. No. I mean, I just have a hard time believe in that. Just I just like or no it's like I can't even get a first date now like I can't get them like they'll be like I want you right now it's so bad that you could go to the grocery store and see this like an average looking five seven guy and you don't think you can land a date with them.

No like they like like no like I went out the other week and like like I don't know what it like they don't want to even talk to me and I'm like I don't I just do you stink? I hope not I just like I don't something's not adding up I don't know you're a lovely looking person you know again I don't know what you do for work but you you you seem like you have your shit together I mean I've been talking to you for 20 minutes like

oh you seem fine right like you you know talking to you you listen you have an energy that's you know yeah you can tell that you have a confidence in you and you can tell that you're not a, you're not demure. Like, I wouldn't describe you as demure. Oh, you know, great. I don't think, there's a lot, I don't think, I think,

I think there's plenty of men out there who aren't looking for a dainty little flower to protect and be their night in shining armor, you know, like some guys like, like that very demure, like, another guy, you know, I don't know, like, and I don't mean that as like, oh, yeah, you're, but like, sure, you, you know, at first, at, you know, like a first impression, that's the impression I have, right? But I feel like there's a lot of men. Again, that's incredibly general what I just talked about. Yeah, yeah. It's like, and it just doesn't make sense that like the fact that like,

you know, when you were like, oh, these guys are typically tall with beards, my first, you know, my, my, my thought is like, maybe it's silly as it sounds. Maybe that's your problem. I mean, it is fascinating. It is fascinating when you, like, again, when you think about the impact social media and specifically dating apps has had on our perspective when it comes to dating, right? And it truly is, I think, it's crazy when you really think about it. I think we all, you know, especially our kids, but all of us have been propagandized by the

internet and by our algorithm, by what we're seeing. It's something that is designed to trigger us, you know. And then when you take that to dating, again, you know, sure, the typical woman, the average, stereotype is like she probably prefers someone a little taller than her and then everyone has their preferences. But like literally, I don't know what this, you know, it's like less than two percent of men or something like that or five percent. I don't know. It's a really small number or over six foot, you know, and that's just their height. And so on dating apps, you know, you have basically like 10 percent of the men, you know, even no matter regardless of what their face looks like or what they do

for work or their personality, they're, they have this huge advantage. And then you have like 80% of the women or something, I don't, you know, are going after these, you know, like the smallest group of men who are over six foot. And they have, you know, they have developed this ability to, I don't know, it's, to, to, to, to have a kind of unlimited options. And then you have these, a bunch of other people, a bunch of other men who aren't tall, you know, who are striking out left and right because they can't even get, you know, if they, if a guy who's, who is like five, eight called in, he was like, I can't fucking, sounded like you. You know, it's sad to say. I'd probably be like, yeah, man, I don't believe you. Um, you know, because it's brutal out there

for the short games, you know, they really, they don't get any benefit of the doubt, you know, like all of us in our head, we're, we judge people. We judge people. so fast. And this is probably part of why you're experiencing this because, again, I think the landscape of dating is so deteriorated so much because of technology is because it's so easy for us to judge without meeting people now, because we feel like we meet people and who they are online, right, on TV, right? We just, it's so easy for us to make these grand assumptions, right? And so I'm sure you're experiencing that a little bit when it comes to dating because we're all doing it, right? That being said, yeah, I mean, so yeah, I find it hard to believe that you,

you, you, if you're like, I'm, I'm only going to pursue men five, ten, or under, just for an experiment, you know, I just want to see if I can get a date. I don't, I don't even, honestly, don't care what they look like, don't care. I'm, I just want to get it, I'm going to do an experiment. I just, I mean, I just find it hard. There's this, there's no way, you know, I find it hard to believe that you couldn't land a date with anyone, you know, I think in reality. You know, I think in reality, you know, like all of us, you're being selective and picky as you should with the people you want to go on dates with. And you are striking out with them. And listen, I think you being with someone for 10 years, you were out of the dating game. You broke up, what, you're 29-ish,

going into your 30s? Yeah, 29, yeah. I'm just, you know, I'm sure there was an anxiousness internally for you to like, you know, make up for lost time, get back out there, meet some people find your person. I don't doubt. This is all happening at a time where dating has become more difficult for everyone. And so I think that all that whole combination of you have a bit of anxiousness and and eagerness and a lack of patience to meet someone coupled with the fact that the dating pool has become even trickier and people are more noncommittal. And then you're searching probably more than you realize, probably mostly online. line. Yeah. And only really looking for guys who, you know, every other woman online is looking for.

And you are competing, even for the most average men. You know, you are like one of 20 that they're picking from. Yeah. No, you're probably right. I'm like, probably. I, yeah. I think there's a little bit of that, right? All of that is like outside of your control other than I think what I think, you know, I think you've got to probably just change a narrative in your head. I listen I you know you listen to your therapist she's your therapist whatever I don't think you're doing yourself any good by having this narrative that I am intimidating specifically because of my job I understand that a lot of women who like you who are successful can feel that from time to time but what are you going to do quit your job give up your career you know what I'm saying for just some

fucking guy of course you're not going to do that you should be proud of what you did and I'm sure you are. And of course you're not going to sacrifice all the hard work you've put into yourself and your career just to like make some average guy feel better about himself. Of course you're not going to do that. Right. So like what good does it do to have this narrative that men are intimidating by you? Listen, I think it's, I think that's kind of a self-limiting belief. I think you should be proud of what, you know, how you've gone about your business. I think to a certain degree, you can be self-aware to the fact that it requires a certain type of aggression and motivation and directness and assertiveness to be an entrepreneur that you are, right?

And that energy to be a successful entrepreneur, early on in dating, especially dating men, you know, you might be, you know, without being too neurotic about it and two in your head, just be, you know, a little more mindful to just, again, when you're on dates, to let the guy, quote unquote, lead to just see what he's about, just, you know, lean into your feminine. I don't even know if you know what that means, but, you know what I'm, you know, but like, just be a little more, you know, take a step back. You're not, you know, you're not at work. You're not the boss right now. You are just, you are curious and, you know, but maybe you're already doing that. But like, all I'm saying is.

is fine. If you're experiencing a little bit of feeling like some guys are a little like taken back by you, then then be a little bit more mindful about that. But that's all you really can do, right? Because again, I don't think you should be dating the guy who lives at home. Right. You know, I think you should be dating the guy who is feeling, you know, successful in his career. You know, you want to find the guy where you're the missing piece, right? And there's a lot. The good news is, is that, like, there are a lot of lonely people out there, you know, there's a lot of people who want to find that connection. There are a lot of men, I'm guessing, in their mid to late 30s, early 40s, who have everything but their partner, right?

And they're, like, rushing their career and maybe they're just tired of being the fuckboys or whatever. But I think just a little bit of patience and a little bit of, like, positive, you know, outlook. And it just doesn't do you any good to be like, I can't. can't get a fucking date, you know. And I think for, and you just have to objectively look at situations. If you meet a guy, a concert, you know, nothing about him, and exchange numbers, and he doesn't follow up, I mean, that has nothing to do with you. Yeah. You know, it's everything to do with him, you know, and, and, and to sit there and, and pay a therapist to tell you that, you know, it's, apparently you're too successful. Um, I don't know, like, it's like,

Thank God you got money. You know, I don't know what that does. You know, I think you just got to own who you are. And it's like more fine-tuning rather than tell yourself that every guy out there is intimidated by you. Like, what are you supposed to do with that? So I don't know if any of this was helpful. No, this is very helpful.

I appreciate it so much. I think you've got to change your minds a little bit. I think you have to maybe take a beat, take a breath, and then recognize that like coming out of a 10-year relationship. relationship in your early 30s for anyone, and especially for women, because obviously a biological clock and society is a little more critical of y'all than, you know, than men when it comes to age. And you might have internalized that and felt a little bit of pressure and anxiousness. And maybe you projected that onto your dates a little bit and maybe those little moments,

you know, it was probably a combination of a bunch of little things and not, and most of the dates you went on, it wasn't any just one thing, you know, unless you've gotten feedback from girlfriends or friends where I've been like, yo, you know, when you don't, like, when you're around guys you like, you turn into a freak and you're super aggressive and you're kind of obnoxious. You know, like, unless you're getting that feedback, you're probably not doing much wrong. You just haven't found your guy and just stop wasting your time going on and dates with guys who live with their parents. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know. And then, you know, if you get flaked by a flight. in that they're flake. It's not you. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's all you can try to do. And, you know, I'm not saying, you know, but yeah, if you're going to, if you're going to meet men over six foot online, just know. Yeah. You're one of 30 people. They're matched with. And that's, that's just that that's, it's a sad reality of, I mean, it's just, it's tall guys have always been able to kind of abuse that privilege and power and social media has made it limitless for them. Yeah.

And I'm not saying that, you know, don't date tall guys. But yeah. When you're like, yeah, I've even dated a guy who was five, ten once, as if you were some hero. It's like, okay. Maybe just being a little bit more open to that. Okay. Because there are a lot of lonely nice guys out there who want to find their person too. And I think, yeah, the world needs to figure out how to connect people.

Yeah, I can really work at shifting my perspective on that. That is a good obvious point. All right. All right. Good luck out there. Thank you. All right. I'm glad you found this helpful.

I wasn't sure if it was. No, it was very helpful. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. Well, keep us posted. When you go back out there, you know, reflect, you know, ask yourself how you're doing. Again, just be patient, but we'd love a follow-up and see if you've been able to incorporate any of... It's really just a mind.

It sounds like to me it's a mindset. Yeah, I could definitely see that. And to whatever point, you quote, are actually intimidating. Again, I don't think you should change all that much because, you know, you are who you are and you just have to find the guy that's right for you. But maybe early on, you can be a little mindful of leaning in to your feminine side or, you know, whatever and and just because again the guy you and end up with probably will be you know still want he'll be confident enough to be with someone like you who's also like successful and confident but

he will still want to feel that sense of you know leading and whatever and things like that so don't change who you are too much just maybe give him a a window to lead early on that's i'll work on And I'll get back to you when how things go. Sounds good. All right, take care. You too. All right, bye, bye. Well, if you are like me and looking for a refresh for your house like I constantly am,

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Visit ASPCA pet insurance.com slash Amazon Terms for More Info. This is a paid advertisement insurance is underwritten by either independent American insurance company or United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. How's it going? Good. My name is Camille. I am 30 and my fiance has been lying about gambling addiction among other things.

And I want to be able to trust him again. But our wedding is only four months away. How recent are these discoveries of his dishonesty? Yeah, so the gambling I found out about, or it was happening from it got bad July through Thanksgiving. He stopped it on Thanksgiving, and then I found out about three weeks later. So it's fairly recent. And as far as you know, he just randomly started gambling this year and it got out of control. and then stopped, and then you found out about it?

Yeah, he's been sports gambling for a while just on his phone, but it was always like one, $2, $5. Like, we talk about it. We watch a lot of sports together. I would do it every once in a while on my phone as well. But in July, the volume and the amounts picked up pretty significantly. My understanding was he was like pretty even for a while, but he was, it was increasing, like, a lot.

And he kind of got into a rabbit hole. And I think he was gambling more and more to try to win it back. And he, like, was fairly even, but was still gambling very large sums. And then towards the end around Thanksgiving, he did lose quite a bit. And that was when he kind of, like, realized he had an issue. And he did stop it. And then it took him a few weeks to work up the courage to tell me. Okay.

So he did tell you. Yeah. Like, you found out from him. I did find out from him, yeah. Okay. When you said amongst other things, what are you? the amongst other things he's been lying about? Yeah, I found out in March that he had been sexting someone and we got into couples counseling after that. I thought we had worked through it.

He had been having panic attacks and had started anxiety medicine last year and it was all kind of wrapped together. The anxiety meds had like a pretty significant effect on his ability to have sex, his interest in sex. And in addition to the other mental health issues he was having and the effect the medicine was having, someone had reached out to him and it had turned into something obviously inappropriate, but he was willing, he was already in individual therapy. He was willing to go to couples therapy. We set boundaries and I felt like we were in a better place. But obviously the trust had been broken from that. But he got on new meds, like all of that stuff was fixed. And so I thought it was kind of

of a one-time thing. We could build back the trust. And then, yeah, right before I found out about the gambling, I found out he had, like, he had gotten a number from a girl at the bar when he was out with some single friends, like the story didn't fully add up. So that the number he got at the bar was separate than the girl he was texting, sexting, whatever? Yep. This was like six months after that. It was a completely separate incident. Like, the incident itself, if what he's saying is true, was, like, fairly innocent. But when I found the, text. He lied and said it was a guy. And like, it was just more lying that I figured out. Yeah. So, yeah, it's just been like three pretty big incidents that have obviously

affected my trust. And with the wedding coming up, I'm just feeling all this pressure. And in the last couple months since I found out about this, like, we are in couples counseling. He's an individual counseling. Like, I do want to give him time to work through it because I do believe he's a good person. I think he was dealt a pretty shitty hand growing up. His, his father deals with some pretty serious mental health issues, including addiction and a lot of other things. His parents went through a really, really, really nasty divorce that he was fully put in the middle of and they didn't handle it very well.

And his dad attempted or was going to attempt to commit suicide a few years ago that my fiancé was the one that kind of figured it out and stopped it, but he didn't process any of that until the panic attack started happening and he went to therapy and is working through it, but it's kind of created the spiral. So it's hard because there's like these two sides to him. There's this really loving, amazing fiancé. I'm trying to have empathy for addiction and for the mistakes he's made, but it's also obviously been challenging on our relationship and on me and kind of like broken this like perfect image I have of him in our relationship and like what our future holds. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough, tough situation.

I mean, you know, you don't need me saying this to you, but there's no perfect relationship or perfect person. We all are flaws. Every relationship has their problems. The people we love the most are the ones who sadly hurt us the most because we're invested in those relationships. You know, like none of these situations that happened that you described, while hurtful, while ugly in its own way, you know, finding out your partner lost, what was, are you comfortable

sharing some of the money that he lost? Yeah, ultimately he lost $20,000. Okay, yeah. A large chunk of that was on Thanksgiving, which is when he cut it off. But that's a lot of, I mean, I make significantly more than he does, and that's definitely like a very significant portion of his income. He didn't touch any of my, we do have joint accounts together. He didn't touch any of my money, but we're living at home right now to save money.

We're both extremely frugal. We've been saving for a wedding, a house. all of this stuff. So yeah, this just was, yeah, obviously like a huge blow. But it's more about the trust than the money. And he said that he's willing to, like, get a second job to make up for all of that. Like, I'm not, it's not about the money. Like, obviously, it was a ton of money and it sucks because you're right. I mean, it's a ton of money. It's incredibly damning. And, and, but you're right, it's, you can move forward, right? And to your point, he lost, he lost his money, right? Not yours? Yeah, it was all his money. Okay. So, like, that's a him problem.

even though I know you're engaged in it, you know, it's like, hey. Yeah. Okay, well, I'm just going to give you just objective advice. And then we can get in and then we can backtrack and get into the relationship as a whole, like, what should you do? If you, like, let's just say you got a wedding four months away. Commitments have been made. Contracts, I'm sure, have been signed. What plans have been made?

Mentally, if you were to think about leaving this relationship, that would be a huge mental hurdle for you. Right. So, you know, I think you should, you need to acknowledge the level of challenge, like, mental hurdle that there are a lot of people in your situation would just know deep down, I shouldn't do this. And we'll do it anyways because you're like pot committed to not to use a gambling reference, so to speak. And I think it's important for you to recognize that, that, you know, you are, there's a level of stuckness that is understandable that you're probably feeling. So, yeah, let's assume for argument's sake that no matter what I say to you, and we talk about this relationship, you end up marrying this guy. Fine. I think you need to be incredibly smart and safe and pragmatic

and take the love out of it. And I guess what I'm saying is you need a sign a pre-up. Yep. He's agreed to that. Great. Love that. And I think, listen,

at the end of day, taking the love out of it, marriage is a contract, right? And just for anyone who doesn't realize this, everyone who gets married signs a pre-nub, every single person. If you don't do your own pre-nub, then the pre-nub that you, in your partner, agree to, is the one that's designed by the state in which you get married in. And every state has their own marriage laws so that if you guys get divorced, they have the laws like Wisconsin, come from there, California, I live there,

I'm aware, I believe are the only two states that are quote-unquote 50-50. Doesn't matter why you get divorced, you know, one person can fuck half the state. It doesn't matter. You get half. They get half. It's a 50-50 state, whatever. And that's the law, you know, other states, I believe different laws. I don't know. But just no. And I'm glad he's already agreed to it. I'm glad I'm, I'm, you don't need me saying this to you. I'm kind of saying this to anyone is listening. That is the reality, right? You know, whether you like it or not, you guys are all signing a pre-nob. And so to that And honestly, and all the lawyers, I'm sure would love me to say this, but like everyone, honestly, it's kind of, and when you think of it in those terms, it's kind of stupid to be like, well,

why would I let the state do it for me? You know, like, that's, that's dumb. And you, you are in a position now where you both have to recognize that, like, listen, you're taking a marriage on its, marriage already is a huge leap of faith, right? It's even a bigger leap of faith in 2026 the way the society has viewed marriage as more of a, you know, something to do. You know, there's, till death to you part, I guess, you know, it's almost like we all have our fingers crossed. I don't mean we, you know, but like the mindset that I think our society has is that, you know, listen, if a mayor doesn't serve you, you can get out. And listen to some degree, you know, I think that's reasonable, you know, like, why should you be stuck in hell

with someone who doesn't treat you right or isn't honest with you or spends your money or things like that, you know. So I'm glad that you've had that conversation. And just when you have that conversation, do you, have you, how far down the pre-nub conversation have you gotten? Do you have your own lawyer? No, not yet. He's just agreed. He's disagreed. Well, that he would sign one. Yeah. That's a good first step. It's a big first step. But it is, you have a lot more steps to go, right? Because I think it's easy to agree to. I think a lot of people agree to it, hoping that the agreement is enough for you to back down. It's like, I will, just, you know, I'm totally cool with signing your prenub, and you're like, great. And then all of a sudden, you're like, all right, well, let's go to the lawyers

and, you know, you need to get your own lawyer and I need to get my own lawyer, you know, because that's how it works. And you need to agree on the terms of your preem, which can, you know, is an uncomfortable conversation for even the happiest couples to get into, you know, right? And then, that's where you can have conversations with lawyer and say like, you know, lawyers and be like, well, what do you ultimately, what do you want? What do you want to protect? They should be able to give you some advice. They should look at your situation. In that context, in some ways, your lawyer is kind of like a therapist. You know, you should be able to trust. You should be like, listen, I don't really know much about you. You're a lawyer, but I'm just going to tell you my whole goddamn story.

And you, without having any emotions or feelings to my relationship, give me objective advice, right and you should listen to your lawyer right because they they they they they're it's their job in that moment to protect you not to protect your relationship not to look after your partner but to protect you his lawyer will do the same right and hopefully you guys have enough common ground where he's just like yeah i mean she makes more money than me and ultimately i want you to have a position where if i if i get married to this guy and a year later you know i find out he's texted three more women he's still gambling and I want to cut my losses before it gets any crazier before we decide to have children together or whatever it is. I can leave this marriage relatively easily. You know, I would keep

your finances separate. I would be married just on the emotional side, not the financial side. You almost have to assume you're going to get divorced. Not, not, I don't, if you get married as guy, I don't want you to have that mindset. But when you're doing the pre-nub, so to speak, you almost have to allow your lawyer to have that mindset and you have to trust your lawyer. And in a way, your fiance should be, you should understand the position you're coming from and empathize with the position he's put you in and why you have the fear and reluctance and lack of trust in him that you do. Objectively speaking, there is no way this man is going to be able to get you to fully trust him in a way that really deep down inside, you, you, you,

you would be comfortable betting on him, so to speak, right? There's just no way. There's just no way, given all the things he's done, that you, objectively, should be able to trust him, right? Now, you're going to want to trust him. Maybe you're, you know, in the next four months, you guys could be doing a lot of therapy. He could be doing individual work where you guys could make a lot of meaningful steps in the right direction to build that trust back.

But by the time, you know, but that's not going to happen in four months, right? So if you want to move forward with this marriage, with a hope and a prayer and a lot of trust, which, listen, many people have done that, you know, wouldn't fault you for doing that. I expect you to almost do that with the position that you're in. But you should really do everything you can to protect yourself just in case it goes sideways. I mean, that's what I would do, if nothing else. And if all we had was this time right now and we'll keep talking and we met on the street, that would be my advice to you.

so that you can just focus on the relationship once you get married, knowing that, like, I don't want you to live in fear once you're married and feeling like you have no out. And I don't want you to feel like it's going to cost you even more than the emotional pain that will inevitably come from you having the strength to leave this relationship, right? And I want the rest of that kind of ugliness, the money, the contracts, all that stuff to be taken care of so that you, you know, if you get the, to that point, you're like, I want out, it's pretty straightforward. You already have an agreed

situation and it, you know, there won't be a lot of arguing in lawyers after the fact, because then it's like, then all bets are off. Does that make sense? Yeah, I think so. We already have combined a lot of our finances and we're definitely planning on it. So it's, and he does do a lot more around the house and we do want kids and he was planning to do, be able to be more flexible with his work with kids too. So it does make it more complicated, but I do, and I wasn't planning to sign a pre-up before all of this. But yeah, I definitely think that now's the time to be selfish and protect myself such that I can feel like I can take a leap of faith. You have to. You have to. And yeah, I mean, you have, I'm guessing joint accounts or something.

You have one joint account. And I don't know how you guys decide to fund that account. Yeah, you'll have to figure that out. And that's where a lawyer can come. in and help you. I'm not the person to give you that advice. A lawyer can. But you're not married yet, and whatever joint accounts you have are probably easily reversible right now because you're not married. And the challenge will be the conversation you have to have with them. Because that conversation for him, all it's going to sound like to him is you don't trust me. And I think he owes you that level of understanding to be like, yeah, no, but I get why you don't, right? And I think think that level of, I don't call it humility or self-awareness in his part, will probably go a long

way to making you feel like you can trust him. Is this the acknowledgement that you shouldn't? So yeah, I mean, and this could be something you guys talk about in couples therapy, you know, the pre-nub itself, because that will be a challenging conversation, right? And it would be a great place to have that conversation about why you feel this way, about what you're going to need from him, about why you feel like you're in this position, that despite you doing what you need to do now to protect yourself, you still really want to work on the relationship, and you really want this marriage to work,

and you're just doing everything right now because you can't predict the future. You know, no relationship, you know, it's like people can't promise each other, he can't promise you, and you can't promise him that he's not going to hurt you in the future. You guys don't know what the future holds. You don't know what situation's going to come up.

You don't know what might trigger him in the future about his childhood or his past that might him make him spiral, you know, the meds that he's on. You don't know what impact or side effects he might experience. You don't know, right? And so given that all these situations of, all you know right now is what it's already happened, right? And what's happened is he's giving you plenty of reasons to doubt his ability to have the discipline, to hold himself accountable, to have the character despite him being triggered, despite him feeling a certain way, to say, no, I, I'm in a relationship. No, I don't want your number. No, like I don't, you know, to go out with his boys and make it very clear that he has a partner, you know, and it's not hard, you know, it's like,

you don't even have to be weird about it. I remember this long time ago. It was 20 years ago, 15 years ago. I had a girlfriend, went to Vegas with a group of guys for my buddy's basher party. we were in the pool, all those guys, and then, you know, when a group of guys are hanging out, you see a group of girls who are there for whatever, a trip or whatever, maybe a bachelor at party, we met these group of women, right? Started talking, everyone's friendly. I'm kind of in the pool with my group of guy friends. And I remember, like, some girl was like, oh, I work for this place.

And I was like, oh, so does my girlfriend. You know, it was easy. I found a way to easily just throw it out there to the world in case anyone is wondering, I'm not available. I'm taken, you know, without it being awkward to, you know, it's like, you know, that when people don't bring it up and all of a sudden you're like, you know, having this conversation and you're like, whoa, but I have a girlfriend. You're like, huh? You haven't been acting like you have a girlfriend for the past two hours, two hours. You know, there's ways people can do that. He's not doing it, right?

When he's going out with his boys, I don't know what he's doing, but he's, he's not making it clear that he's unavailable. Well, the story there, which once again, he said I could ask his friend, I just didn't was that the single friend that was trying to get this girl's friend's number, like they couldn't remember their names. So they were like, oh, can we get your numbers? And he said that like this girl knew about me. And I did see the text with her. And it wasn't, it was her texting about her ex-boyfriend, which he said was all they talked about at the bar the whole night.

Doesn't matter. No, but he still lied. And why would you respond to the text? And that was a boundary that we talked about because he has a lot of girlfriends. And we had to set really strict boundaries when we went through couples there. before. So it wasn't even about getting the number. He currently has a lot of girlfriends? No, well, he has a lot of women at work that he works with. And that was something that we talked about in couples therapy after about like cutting those relationships off and keeping them platonic at work.

Because it was something that made me uncomfortable. And I'm like, I'm friends with a lot of them too, but it was really hard for me that he texted a lot of them often. And he, he is a very emotionally available guy, like all of them went to him with their relationship venting and stuff like that. And I, like, it's great that he's a really nice guy and he takes care of them and he would like text that. I mean, if he's single, sure. They got home okay.

But yeah, definitely, especially after how old is he? He's 29. How old are you again? 30. Okay. So you're relatively the same age. But yeah, he's, I guess, relatively young for a guy. Yeah.

I mean, listen, that's all bullshit. You know, it is. It's all bullshit. When you're in a relationship, you be in a relationship. You act like you're in a relationship. You protect the relationship. You don't, you know, if you're a guy, I had a ton of women friends when I was single and I was single for a long fucking time, you know, before I met my wife, Natalie. And I was so used to being single, you know. And I think I've talked about this before in recent episodes. But like when now and I first, we're not just hanging out, we're not just casually dating. We're not just messing around. We're not just hookup buddies. But we're like,

okay, we're going to do this. I'm going to, let's go. I'm going to, you're my girlfriend, I'm your boyfriend. That was so new to me. I mean, that was the first person in eight years or I don't, something like that, that I was like, I have a girlfriend, you know. And in the first couple weeks of Natalie and I being boyfriend and girlfriend, I had a couple women friends come over to my house. I told Natalie about it. And her response was kind of like, okay. But, and I kind of had this like, wait, you know, kind of like, what am I do? Like this, it was like, I can't do this anymore. It was like, I knew how to girlfriend, I wasn't going to do anything, but even just having them over and that environment was inappropriate, you know? And I had to recognize that real quickly,

that like, you know, if I want to be in this relationship, I can't, I'm not single anymore, you know, I have expectation, my girlfriend has expectations of me and I have expectations of her. and if we're actually going to say, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend and let's do this and let's give this relationship a real shot. Giving it a real shot implies making sacrifices. That's what being in a relationship's all about. It's saying yes to that one person, that person who I can build an emotional connection with. We can build something really meaningful that, like, you know, you can't have with platonic relationships and casual relationships. I guess what I'm trying to say is like when we're single and we have friends of the opposite sex, I truly believe that like we only have, we

almost like, I could have like, say, like, eight women friends. You know, I'm just kind of making up some random number. And, you know, maybe I had one friend, like, it's like we would go to dinner now and then and catch up and, you know, talk. She would talk about what guy she's dating and I would maybe talk about women I'm dating. And maybe there's another friend who, like, when I was really upset, she was what I'd really open up to. My point is, like, all these friendships played the role of one person, you know, that now that I have a girlfriend, it was going to be her responsibility to meet all those needs that I might have in a relationship. And again, she has all these needs that I have to meet.

And that's what being in a relationship is. Is that I'm committed this relationship. I'm invested in this relationship. And this relationship is worth making these sacrifice. It is worth committing to this person and who I want to be honest to. And it's not just about me anymore. When I'm in a situation, whatever that situation is, I'm not just considering how I feel.

I'm considering how my actions are going to affect this other person. And he is not very good at that second part right now, right? He is very much still focusing on his needs. And when he's in a situation, you're not top of mind. He can say that you are, but you're not. But his actions are proving otherwise, right? And you're four months away from saying, I do. And that's just the reality.

And he needs to recognize that. And when you're in couples therapy, I hope those are the conversations you're having is why, why does he have such a hard time putting you first, or at least putting you at the same level he puts himself in these situations where, you know, there's a fork in the road, and he has to choose, you know, he has to make a choice. And when he's making choices, there's too many situations where he's thinking about his needs and not the both of yours. Yeah.

No, I think that that's true. And that is something that we talked through, especially the boundaries around women. I think I was trying to be the cool girlfriend for way too long and, like, being fine that he texted these girls and that he was their emotional support. And, like, that's definitely a boundary that we've set now that he pushed back on a little bit,

but ultimately understood where I was coming from. Yeah. He needs to be more than understanding, I guess. Yeah. And, I mean, except for the same, this one incident. But yeah, it's just making me question. Yeah, I don't, you know, stop watering down his, his mistakes, you know. No, he, before I could have said, okay, he has these relationships of girls, but I've never expressed that it was uncomfortable. Like, we talked in

couple therapy about incidents in his relationship with girls in the past that we set very clear boundaries about not texting girls. And this was very clearly, no matter what the story is of how it happened and what happened after, like, it's very clearly a break of the clear boundaries. that I set. And if he thought about any part of the decisions he made as part of getting this girl's number and responding to her text after, like, he clearly broke all of those boundaries and did something stupid. I'm curious when he lost that money over Thanksgiving, how did he tell you? So we had just gotten back from Vegas, and he was definitely very anxious when we were in Vegas. And he bet like a normal amount like we normally do, which is not that much, maybe like $200.

over the whole weekend. So it wasn't a ton. But he was super anxious when we were there. And then the day after we got back, he finds it easier to like tell me hard things over text, which is something we're working on in therapy as well. But when I was working, he texted me that he was going to completely cut off gambling. And being in Vegas just made him realize that it had gone too far.

But he said that he hadn't lost anything. And he had therapy the next day. And I think he said he was. going to go to therapy the next day and work through how to like tell me how bad it really was. But ultimately I was kind of pushing because he was like really, really upset about it. So you sense that something was up and you were you you dug deeper and finally was like, all right, yeah, the truth is I lost all this money. Yeah.

And then even so, and I don't think he realized how bad it was even then because then for like taxes and other reasons he like really had to go through everything. And I think that's when he realized, like, how much he knew how much he had lost because that's how much he had put into the apps. But I don't think he realized, like, how much he was betting and how much money he was kind of, like, cycling through. Because he won a lot. He won a ton also, but then obviously ultimately was down. Yeah. Relationships are hard and people are certainly imperfect.

And you're just going to have to trust your gut, I guess. I hate saying that. Yeah. The hard part is a lot of it has been on his phone. So it's obviously tough because, like, I don't want to be the person that's, checking his phone or who like plays big bruck because we talked about like well i give me access to this and that and that and that and like our therapists were kind of like well you don't it shouldn't be your responsibility to constantly be checking his bank account to check this to check that to make sure he's

not texting other people and all that but at the same time like it is hard because we are both always on our phones and a lot of it is tied to drinking and we do have very active social lives both of our families are very big drinkers and so that's just been a a touchy subject as well. So he's a slightly big drinker who's also taking anti-anxiety medication? Yeah. I'm guessing those two don't mix very well. I mean, all of this did start around the time that he started the meds. And like we talked about completely cutting alcohol out. But I think that was really challenging as well because it definitely made us like it was right before the holidays. And like, are you pregnant? Why aren't you drinking? I'm

disappointed you're not drinking, you're being a party pooper, like all of this that I think made him feel like more of a freak because he was just the center of attention of every single event that we went to because we're such big drinkers. There never would have been a time that we would just turn down drinking completely. But we've tried just like cutting significantly back as well. And that's been challenging because my definition of cutting significantly back is definitely different than his definition of cutting significantly back. And he has cut significantly back, but it's still hard when you go from being like pretty heavy drinkers. What else is he doing other than medicating himself to help with his anxiety?

He's been much more forthcoming with me about his feelings. I think both of us definitely weren't as forthcoming as we have been. I mean, he is in individual therapy, although like it's been challenging because his therapist was out over Thanksgiving and Christmas when a lot of this was happening and was sick one time. So I think he's only had three individual therapy sessions. all of this has happened. Does he take care of himself? Is he an active person? Is he work out? Yeah, super active. He goes to the gym every single day. Yeah. Not that that's the end will be all, but like, you know, exercise is really good for, for that type of stuff. Yeah, and he's the chef. He cooks healthy for both of us. Like, he definitely does take care of himself. I mean, drinking is a big,

is a, I, you know, I'm pretty sure as a big trigger when it comes to anxiety and things like that. You're describing someone who, like you said, his dad suffers from addiction. He has signs of addictive personality? And has he addressed that specifically? Yeah. I mean, he admitted that he was addicted to gambling. And then in like some fights and obviously, like, things have been heated and emotional. Like, I did call him an addict.

And he said that that really hurt him. And I, like, we kind of talked through that too. But I do think that he has admitted that he is addicted to gambling. I think the thing that scares me is it's fairly easy to delete the two apps that he was on and not download those back. But like is it he also cheated, right? Like it's not like it's only been one thing that we can solve that one thing. It's like clearly just general bad decision making. Yeah.

I mean, again, I'm not, I'm in certainly no expert when it comes to addiction and things like that. But I'm pretty sure that like, again, people have a way of acting out, so to speak, right? So his drinking on some levels, I'm sure a coping mechanism. the addiction part doesn't go away, right, so to speak. So how is he dealing with that, right? So maybe, I don't know, A, A, you know, there are obviously things out there for addicts of any kind. And I, you know, whether it's your addicted alcohol or drugs or sex or gambling,

addiction is addiction, right? You know, I'm pretty sure when you go to AAA, it's not like, oh, hey, the alcoholics go over there, the gambling people over there. I'm sure there's very specific types of, of groups for different types of addiction, but it sounds like he does have some kind of problem there. And so if he's not, you know, as they always say, like admitting it, definitely big first step, right?

But admitting it is, yeah, like they say, it's just a step, you know, there's a lot of more, there's many more steps, right? Yeah. If he doesn't address it, therapy is good that he's working through his problems, but chances are if he doesn't address it, he will find destructive and toxic ways of of acting out, so to speak, right? And not to make excuses for this guy, but the, it's like

maybe the, these interactions with these women are just like, it's scratching an itch that he sometimes is scratching through gambling or drinking or whatever, but until he really addresses the problem, the root problem, yeah, this, this acting out. out, it will be a very, it will be a challenge for him, probably. Yeah, I mean, that's what I'm terrified of with the wedding coming up of just like, how is this going to manifest? And he didn't tell his therapist about the gambling, even though it was actively happening while he was in individual therapy.

And he didn't tell his other therapist about the cheating, even though he was actively cheating for multiple months. So, like, that's where it's challenging of, like, it is great that he's willing to go to therapy. And at first, he wasn't even willing to go to therapy or, well, just the panic attacks were happening. Like he didn't want to go to therapy and he didn't want to take medicine. And ultimately, he came around to both of those things and is glad that he started both

of those things because it has helped with the panic attacks and the mental health issues. But yeah, it is concerning that like therapy or just cutting out drinking completely aren't necessarily like the actual solving everything. And so it just scares me of what this is going to turn into. And I need to have patients. Like he's only had three individual therapy sessions. We are still living with family. So him getting a second job, him going to AA or like taking things more seriously is made more

challenging by that. But yeah, it's just hard to be patient while he works through things when we do have like this deadline coming up. But I feel like I need to be patient. But it's just been really, really challenging. Yeah. Listen, it's a tough situation you're in. I don't have a good answer for you.

You will just have, you will have to make that decision on your own. Because I see it now with this wedding four months away. Obviously, you can leave the relationship, right? And that's option one. You clearly don't want to do that. You know, totally get why, right? And so option one, leave them. Option two, post-spel in the wedding.

I'm guessing that's not ideal because you would probably lose some money there. Objectively speaking, whatever money you would lose by delaying the wedding might be more than worth it for a lot of reasons. Yeah, it's not about the money. It's more that we'd have to tell every single one of our guests.

an excuse and like that just feels like hitting the nuclear button of having to tell everyone in our lives everything that's happening. Maybe, but if you get divorced, you're going to have to do that too. Yeah, that's true. We're talking about the rest of your lives potentially. I mean, you can always get divorced,

but like, you know, this relationship is at a point where no matter how it ends, if it were to end, it's going to be devastating for you on some level and you're going to have to work through it and you will and you will be okay and plenty of people have survived and worked through relationships ending and marriages ending and things like that, you will be okay, right? But I think when it comes to the situation you're in, you just have to really be pragmatic and honest with how things are going to play out long term, right? Totally get that delaying a wedding is not ideal. But objectively,

it's probably the most reasonable option in terms of, okay, if the worst thing I am, have to do is tell all our guests that this wedding isn't happening right now and they can gossip and they can question and you can decide who is is privy to the actual truth and in who of your guests you're just like hey you just not happening right now you know talk behind your back whatever you guys deal with it it's not the end of the world people gossip all the time and then you guys can you know if this is a relationship that's really worth fighting for and investing in the only people who really need to care are the two of you right and if If you're both thinking about each other and for each other, then it makes a lot of sense to say, now's not the time to put this added pressure of a marriage on this relationship

that's already fragile. You have a lot of work to do. We have a lot of work to do. This is a lot of pressure. A marriage is not going to help this situation right now. I mean, that probably is the smartest decision. But I totally get if you don't want to do that. All right.

Option three. Move forward with the wedding. Get the pre-nup. Do all the unsexy things to protect yourself, knowing that I'm going to fucking do this. I'm going to get married to this guy. I love him. He's a great guy with a lot of problems.

But he's my guy. And I want to fight for this relationship. And then you're just going to have to mentally accept the fact that I'm going to say yes. And there's a 50-50 chance that someday I'm going to say, Yeah, I was married once. I'm divorced. I'm, you know, we, when I first got engaged a long time ago and it didn't work out, that, that, that stigma I felt of a failed engagement, right? That, you know, we, if, if you're divorced, you feel like society puts a stigma on you, if you have a failed relationship, if you get cheated on, all these, like, social stigmas that we attach

and, and judge ourselves and feeling like the world's talking about us and all these things, you know, it's more bullshit than reality, but it still affects us, right? And it's a mental hurdle we have to get through. If you say I do, you need to mentally tell yourself and accept the risk you're taking. I've said some version of this before in different shows. I'm a big believer in taking risk. I'm sitting here talking with you today because I've taken some risks in my life. You know, I kind of had to tell myself, if I'm going to do this, I can't play the victim when it doesn't work out. I'm choosing to do this. I'm accepting the risks. You know, I am owning my choices to say yes to something that, like, you know, has some red flags,

but I'm going to do it anyways. And that, you know, and that, I think in that mindset, I honestly think it's important for us to all take, we have to take some risks in life. We have to bet on ourselves, and we have to be willing for things to not work out. And if it doesn't work out, we have to pick ourselves up, move forward. And the easiest way to do that is to not sit in the kind of this victim mindset of, like, how could this happen to me? I can't believe this happened to me.

It's not fair. He wronged me here. He did this and he did that and that's fucked up and I don't deserve that. All of which can be true, but it's not going to do you any good in that moment to sit in that and feel sorry for yourself. And I guess since you are in this position knowing that there's a risk, it's just kind of accepting the risk you take. So that if it doesn't work out, you don't go, why did I do that? That was so dumb of me. I should have been foolish.

I should have listened to people. No, you made a choice. you knew what the risks were. You didn't listen to, you know, maybe it was me or maybe you have a friend who's like, don't do it, don't marry the guy. And, you know, you didn't listen. So what?

Don't beat yourself up two years from now by telling yourself you should have done this and you should have done that. You just have to own your choices and move the fuck forward. You know what I'm saying? So if you do say yes to this guy, I just want you to just own your choice

and let the, you know, and fight and do what you can for the relationship. and do your part, you know, and if it doesn't work out, you know, again, easier said than done, and all these emotions I'm telling you to try not to feel, you will feel, it will just be those, you'll go to therapy, and you'll remind yourself, you know what, I'm sad, it sucks, I don't deserve this, but hey, I didn't make a choice, it is what it is, I'm going to move forward, and I'm not going to just sit there and feel sorry for myself for six months or whatever it is. I'm just, it fucking sucks,

but whatever, you know? And if you do say yes, I think it's important for you to have, to have a little bit of that mindset. So it sounds like on the positive side, you feel like he, at a minimum, wants to fight for you. And he can't acknowledge his faults. He is going to therapy, certainly not perfect. He could be more honest with this therapist. He's doing, he's doing, he's not, you know, I'm sure you've listened to this show and we've talked to a lot of people, especially women, where it's just like, he won't go to therapy, he won't do this.

And so it's like, well, I mean, he's giving you no options. Like, your partner is working with you a little bit. He's, you know, and he's doing enough to give you enough hope, which can be a little bit dangerous, but at least there's something to work with, right? Yeah. So to me, those are your kind of three choices. Is this helpful? Yeah.

No, it's helpful. It's my sister, who's the only one that I've told about this kind of said the same thing, about like, your life's not over if you do choose to end it now, or your life's not over. if you delay it, and if delaying it is going to give you the best chance at moving forward, like, you need to consider kind of all of your options. And she was the one who suggested the pre-up, too, which I hadn't really thought about. So I do, yeah, like, luckily he has agreed to the pre-up, like everything that I've asked of him he's willing to do. And I know that he wants to fight for it. He just has this tendency for kind of self-sabotage and making bad decisions, which is what he needs to work through,

but is something that's very challenging. And I'm not going to know. if he has worked through it until kind of like temptation. Yeah. Like he comes across his plate again. So that's just where it's challenging to like be patient and trust the process to work through it. But no, I do think I need to make sure that I'm thinking about myself and all of this too. And I think that that attitude going into a marriage where I need to make sure that I'm

considering the risks and continuing to fight for it and that'll be okay on the other side no matter what happens. Yeah. I mean, listen, I'm glad you have empathy for him. and I'm glad that you have patience for him, but just make sure that the, I self-sabotage, I feel, has almost become a trope or an excuse for people. Okay, fine, you self-sabotage, do something about it.

You know, he can do something about it, and he has to want to do something about it. And he can heal his past traumas if he really wants to, but he has to really want to do it for himself. Yeah, I'm glad he's motivated by the relationship, and I'm glad he's moated that he doesn't want to hurt you, but at the end of the day, not hurting you won't be enough. He has to want to do it for him.

for himself. He has to want to not be that person. And you have to find out what that line is about not allowing it to be an excuse. And I guess between now and four months, I think you have to have some very direct and tough conversations with him about like where you stand. And that while you do want to fight for it and you do want to believe in him that he hasn't really giving you much to work with. And if you do decide to move forward with this wedding, he has to understand. He hasn't earned your trust. And he has to be okay with the fact that, you know, this person doesn't trust me. And he doesn't get to act like a victim to be like, well, it's like, how can you not trust me? You know, it's just like, it's not fair. And don't you understand what I've gone through? And, you know, my family and this and that and

all might be true. But like, that's, it's not fair for him to dump that all on you. You know, he has to want to do it for himself. And you have to be able to have these tough conversations that are going to sound very unromantic and make him feel like you don't trust him. And he has to be at least understanding as to why you don't and be willing to bet on himself. It's a weird thing because that, and that's why maybe delaying the wedding is probably taking all feelings aside, the smartest thing,

because marrying him under the conditions that you are is just a huge leap of faith. You know, it's, you're basically going on love is blind and getting married after six weeks and hoping for the best. And it can work out. You never know. But if it doesn't, you're going to, you know, for the people who go on love is blind and get married, you know, if it doesn't work out and they get divorced, they, it's pretty easy for them to go, well, you know, they went on a show and probably wasn't the smartest thing to do that. But hey, I took a risk, whatever, it didn't work out. And they blame it on the show and rightfully so. And they kind of, you know, and in a way, you almost have to have that mindset that, like, you took a huge leap of faith. But you did it in Yolo, whatever.

and I'm going to move forward. And so you just have to decide which, which are those three choices is best for you. But just protect yourself and do everything you can so that if you do say I do, you know that the only thing you have to worry about is your connection. At least have this conversation now

when you know he wants to fight for the relationship. And if during that pre-nub process, things get uglier and he fights back and he is resistant and he plays the victim, I think you really need to pay attention, to that and maybe that will be a sign that maybe this marriage shouldn't happen. Does that make sense? Yeah. He really needs to accept the role he's played into why you would be having these conversations and saying these kind of things that will be hard for him to hear and accept four months

leading up to your wedding. Yeah. So I'm glad he says the right things. He needs to start doing the right things and showing you and you need to, I think, hold them a little bit more accountable than you are and be a little less forgiving and a little less understanding of his shortcomings. Yeah. No, I think that that's probably true. All right. Well, thank you. This was, yeah, this was helpful.

Okay. Well, good luck. I'm sorry you're in this position. It's definitely not an easy choice that you have to make. No matter what, you're going to be okay. I want you to know that. And just, you know, you have a lot of great things going for yourself. You're an independent woman.

You're taking care of yourself. you know, you're going to be okay. You have a lot of things going for you. And just remember that when you're going through this process. And, you know, somehow, some way things will work out. Maybe just not the way you expect or want them to. Yeah. All right.

Well, thank you. I appreciate it. Well, keep us posted on what you decide. We'll do. Thank you. Take care. Thanks. Turn in the chaos of order of fulfillment into something that feels like,

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How's it going? My name is Stephanie. I am 32 and my husband's best friend hit on me, but I'm in the wrong. Okay. Why are you in the wrong? Allegedly I'm in the wrong. That's kind of why I wanted to call into you because anyone I've talked to about the situation has either known me or others involved, so I feel like it's a little bit biased.

Tell me the story. Okay. So just a little backstory. my husband has a friend group that has been friends for over 20 years. They're all a little bit older than me. They're in their later 30s. So they've been friends for 20-something years. And now they are all married and have kids. So we now have a group of girls each associated with each friend. One of his friends, which is one of his best friends, this actually goes back quite a bit, but it boiled up this past summer. So his best friend, this was about two and a half years ago,

I like most millennials, I love boomerang selfies. I'm big on taking boomerang selfies. So my thing I like to do is like I'll take a boomerang selfie of like cheersing my glass of wine, also a wine lover. So I did that. I did like a boomerang selfie. I was in my pajamas, but like totally innocent. It was mainly like neck up.

And I posted it on my story. And then I received a reply to that story from his best friend. And he said, damn girl, you look good. So I was thrown off by that a little bit. His best friend said that. Yes. And mind you, it's a very large friend group. So there are some of the boys in the friend group that I am closer to than others.

But him and I just don't have that kind of relationship together. So it was a little weird. What did you do immediately after that? I showed my husband. I was sitting right next to him. And also, this was nine or ten o'clock at night. So I feel like that makes it a little more weird. In my mind, I was like, maybe he's drinking because that's a weird thing.

Either way, it's weird, but yes. The best thing you did in that moment was immediately show your husband. Be like, oh, my God. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Yes. So I show it to him, and he goes, hmm, well, that's weird.

And he sits on it for like a couple seconds. And he's like, actually, that's really weird. And I don't think I like that. And I didn't like it either. It made me feel weird, which is why I showed it to him. So then after that, I screenshot it and I sent it to two of the girls in the group that I was close with. And I was just like, hey, I got this message.

response and I feel like it's weird. Am I overthinking it trying to get other people's opinions? And they agree. They're like, no, 100%. That's a weird thing. How much conversation do you and your husband have about his feelings about this and your feelings about this before you screenshot it and reached and included two other people in the group? It was within like the first 10 minutes, we discussed it. So I, you know, without knowing anything else. Yes. You know, the first thing you did, amazing. That's what I would have done. Right. thing to do. Ten minutes later, I feel like that was a huge mistake because now it just becomes gossip. Yep. And now you are basically allowing other people to control the narrative. And you and your

husband at that point haven't even had a chance to fully digest what just happened. The potential betrayal of his friend, how you're both feeling, this is a weird thing that happens. And it's weird, right? Your husband, no doubt, probably had a million questions. Why do my friend do this? This is probably a guy he's been friends with for a long time, never thought he would do this. Not that he, not that, you know, you could have, you know, but it's this human nature to go, well, did she, you know, like, did you do something? You know, like, it's just a normal, a million questions just normally come up, right? And you guys didn't really have a chance. Yes. As a buried couple to talk that through and just get on the same page to know that, I don't know why this happened. Yeah. We're good.

we both think it's fucked up and what are we going to do to address this discomfort that just happened in our friend group? Yes. And you were like, yo girls. I was. I'm such a chronic overshare. So yes, I did. And I seek validation and that's kind of why I did it. Sure. But, you know, it's really important. You know, I probably don't need me saying this, but you're married, you know, and it really needs to come from your partner, and it really needs to be you two. And it's, you know, I do think all married couples to some degree need to have a,

it's us versus the world in a way. Yes. You know, we have each other's back. And even if our closest friends fail us, like his friend failed him, we have each other's back. And we really need to protect that. You know, and I think it's really important

to have that mindset in situations like this because things obviously can spiral. It sounds like they did spiral. So anyways, You told the girls what happened after that? So I tell the girls, again, they agree. And it goes, we dead the issue. My husband and I talk about it.

And we decide, you know, it's weird, but like he's never done anything like this. So and we just were not comfortable with confrontation in that way. So we decided we're just going to brush it off and we are going to try to move on from it. And as far as I know, the girls, they didn't say anything at all. And you and your husband didn't discuss the possibility of, him addressing his friend? Not really. Why? Because again, I'm not good with confrontation. That's something I've worked on and he's even worse. And he doesn't like to, that's something we struggle actually with our own marriage is like confronting each other, right? So he doesn't like to confront me. He doesn't,

especially like to confront anybody else. And I was kind of on board with like, okay, well, if you don't want to talk about it, like, then I won't talk about it to him. Like, you know what I mean? Not bringing it up. I do. I can tell you right now if we just hung up the phone. Yeah. If I said, all right, I got to go. I don't have any more time for you. But I want you to do this one thing. I think it's amazing that you can, you can recognize this shortcoming you have and that your husband has and that you have together. And in this moment, you guys enabled each other to allow your weaknesses to take over. Neither of you helped each other out. Neither of you held each other accountable. You're both bad at it, right? But you do have each other. And then, those moments where you have each other, that's where like that marriage part comes in where you say, hey, we got to, we got to suck it the fuck up. And we got to do this. And I know it's hard, babe. If you want to say, hey, that was fucked up, I don't even, I don't even know. I don't need to know why you did it. You did it. And I shouldn't need to explain to my friend how fucked up that is. And if we just decide as a married couple going forward to say, well, it's not our friend anymore.

That's a choice. Yeah. I don't want to confront them. I don't need to confront him. I don't, There's no explanation he's going to give me that makes me go, you know what? No harm or no foul. That was a choice. But you guys made a choice of being like, yeah, it's weird. I don't really want to confront him. So let's just pretend it didn't happen. Yeah.

But meanwhile, you both know what happened. Yeah. You're both sitting with it. And the next time he's going to see his friend, it's going to trigger questions and feelings. Yeah. Right? From that point forward, you guys run the risk of not being connected and on the same page. Yeah.

100%. Okay. So anyways, you didn't address it. Okay. Yes. So time passes. And over the past like two years, there's been other comments here and there, nothing to that gravity, nothing to where we were like, we were kind of like, again, we were like, that's weird. This happened two years ago? This happened two years ago. Okay. But it just came to it ahead this past summer. Yeah. So time passes things, random comments pop up here and there. But this past summer in the end of July, we did like a big, birthday party, Beer Olympics with all of our friends for my birthday and one of the other boys' birthdays. And I'm with the friend and one of our, one of my girlfriends, and he makes this comment. And it just made me feel uncomfortable. He made another comment. Yes. It was a comment. It was just weird. So he said, I really love that lipstick color on you. And it just threw me.

Because it was just a weird, it felt like a weird thing to say, I don't, it just threw me. So I, I told him about it. I was just okay. Tell your husband. Yes, I told my husband about it. I was just like, he made this comment about my lipstick. Like, it was like, it just made me feel weird the way like it came out. And he was like, okay, again, like weird, whatever. And I thought after I just told him, we're good, whatever.

So then my sister comes up to me during the party and she says, oh, your husband came up asking me about some lipstick comment. And that was a red flag for me because my husband doesn't like to talk to people about things. So in my head, I'm like, oh, no, he must be. more upset than I thought about this comment. His friend commented about your lipstick. You told your husband. Then what happened? And then after I told my husband, he goes up to my sister and tells my sister about it. Your husband? Yes, my husband tells my sister about it. What did he say? He, well, he was my sister and

the rest of our team, because we had teams with colors. And the two other people that were in our team actually aren't in our friend group. They're separate friends from me and my sister. It was my sister, our girlfriend, our girlfriend's husband. And he said, how would you feel if someone said this to your wife and then repeated the comment that I love that lipstick color on you? And he was like, oh, I think that would be kind of weird. He just felt off about it. So he brought it to their attention. So once I found out that he told my sister about it, my mind starts going. Because I'm assuming he's more upset than I thought, because he's like a bull. My husband does not like to share any personal information to people, even his closest friends.

Sometimes I even have to drag things out of him. So I was a little worried. I was like, I know he's actually maybe upset about this. So I make the mistake of going to my friend that I had sent the original screenshot of the original comment too. I see her sitting by herself

and I tell her, you know, my husband, I had this comment that was said to me. My husband does not, is upset by it. I just found out he told my sister about it. And again, trying to seek foundation somewhere as to like what I feel like the gravity of it should be, I guess. I wasn't. So I made, I know I made the mistake there, right? So I tell her about it.

At this point in the night, again, we're at a beer Olympics. I drank almost an entire 24 pack of salters within the first two hours were there. By this point of the night, I don't remember. I am hammered. I don't remember most of what the conversations I had were. I cannot tell you verbatim what I said in most of these conversations. conversation to the point where, and this is just from what I'm being told after the fact, that I told her, which I did, but then one of our other friends who was not aware of any of

this information at all, none of the backstory. She's also very close to the friend. She comes up, and apparently I stopped talking when she came up. But my friend that knew about it was kind of egging me on to tell her. And she was like, so you're really not going to tell her right now? Like you got to tell her. You're not going to tell her. So then I told her, I don't have any recollection of this. Sure. But I believe it.

If she said, I said it, right? So she tells her. The rest of the night, completely fine. The rest of the night is normal. You would never know anything. Any comment was made. We're all just having fun, enjoying our party. Cut to a week later, we have a girl's trip.

And we do a girl trip every year in August. This is the weekend after the party. Me and my sister and one of the other girls, again, not involved in any of this. We go like half a day later than the rest of the girls. So we're going by ourselves to the girl's trip. It's like a two-hour drive. The whole time I'm getting like a uncomfortable feeling. I just feel like something's off and I don't know what it is.

We show up to the house and again, they're not. Well, first we show up to the house and they're not there. And they knew we were coming. Who's they? The rest of the girls. This includes the girls that knew about the history, the girl that just found out, and the wife of the friend, who has no idea about any of the comments.

So we get there and they're not there. They're at the pool. So we're instantly, we're like, okay, well, that's weird because they knew we were coming. And the three of us were in agreement. The vibes are off. Something's weird. And I'm an idiot because I had no idea. It would have been anything about the past weekend and the party and things that were set.

So the weekend, a day and a half goes by. Again, everything's fine, but like something feels off. And the wife of the friend is like cold shouldering me hard. And I'm, I had no, in my mind, I'm like, I have no idea why. I really had no idea why. How, but how, how, how, how? Yeah, more so how. Yeah.

And, but it didn't, in my head, I'm asking you, how, like, how would that not register for you? I, because in my mind, I told two people, I don't remember the one I told, but I remember telling the girl that already knew the information. And in my mind, she never said anything about what I sent her two years ago. So in my head, I was like, okay, like she wouldn't do that because why would she want to do that? Sure. I literally, I had no idea. Idiot.

I'm an idiot. And also, I was very hammered at that party. So, like, half the people I talk to, I don't remember. I'm assuming the next day after that incident, you and your husband didn't really talk about what happened? No. When we talk about, like, the comments he more so is just brings it back up. And then it's like, I really don't like that. And then it kind of goes dead again. I'm always in a place of like, well, these are your friends. Right. I kind of got married into it. So like whatever

you feel comfortable doing is what we will do. So we just dead it and tried to move. Okay. All right. So now you're getting the cold shoulder from wife. I'm getting a cold shoulder from wife. Don't know what's going on. One of the mornings were there. I wake up and it's the wife. And she asks so she can talk to me outside. Still, I have no idea what we're about to talk. about. No idea. No idea. I tell you 100%. The thing about this friend group is we all have things with each other. There's so many of us that maybe don't like a certain person, have issues with a certain person. And what we do is we talk to each other about it. We did it and then we move on. So I thought, right? Which is why I had no, I had no worry about it because I was like, well, I told her two years ago

when she didn't say anything. So why would she say something now? Well, it turns out it was the friend that knew nothing about any of it that I was told that I told at the party. The friend that. Yeah, who heard it secondhand. Yes. It was her that ended up going to the wife and the husband and telling them about it. So again, I get pulled to a conversation. And in my head, I'm like, I don't know what this is about, but this is weird.

But it started to make sense because I'm like, she's been giving me a cold shoulder. So something's going on. So what did she say to you? She starts conversation with. So I hear you're running your mouth, your mouth about my husband. in trying to tell everyone he's a creep. So instantly, I felt defensive because I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, that is not at all how I portrayed it whatsoever.

I repeated comments, but I wasn't like he's a creep. And I never said he was, I never verbatim said, he's hitting me. I just said these were comments that were made that are weird. Yeah, fair enough. Which happened. Yes. So she's angry. So I'm, and I'm caught off court because again, what did you?

But what, and what do you remember exactly what you said? I mean, she's angry, but obviously she's, she probably doesn't even know what she's angry at. And it's easy to take it out on you. And she's hearing it from other people. So she doesn't really know. Yeah. So she tells me that. And I'm kind of like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I was like, that is not at all the situation. I said, I was like, this is what happened. And I repeat to her all the way back to the screenshot from the story that he replied to, which I offered to show. But she was actually already showing that screenshot before she talked with me. So she was shown the screenshot. Yes. So while me and my sister and our other girlfriend were traveling to the girls weekend, the rest of the girls were telling the wife about everything,

showing her the screenshot, like going back to the two years, which they must have gone back through the messages from three years ago. And her response to that was, I heard you're running your mouth about my husband and calling him a creep. And she's like, oh, I saw the screenshot. And she didn't, I got angry. because it was more of like, okay, so you don't care that he's saying weird comments to me, but you more so care about how he's being portrayed.

Yeah. Which, I mean, obviously I shouldn't have said anything to other people. And I didn't. I owned up to that. But the root of the issue is he's saying things he shouldn't be saying to another woman, right? Yeah. So how did that get resolved? We talked about it all.

We like, I let her know, like, I wasn't trying to start drama. I was like, I told our friend two years ago about it after the comments. was made at the party, I went up to that same friend, specifically that same friend because I knew she was one of the only people who already knew about it. And I told her about it. Well, the wife doesn't like this friend. So that also caused an issue too. They have their own set of issues. It's a whole mix of things. So in this conversation, I still didn't know that it was the friend that jumped into the Congo that had said anything. I assumed it was the friend I had told two years ago. And I Kind of irrelevant, but I mean. Yeah. So, well, she knows that that's what I thought, right?

But I'm just curious, what did the wife, how did things end when you spoke your truth? And you were just like, you know, it wasn't my intention. But nevertheless, this happened and this happened, both of which made me feel a little uncomfortable. And maybe I didn't handle it the best way. But I did feel uncomfortable. And I obviously communicated that to my husband. I told a couple friends, maybe I could have handled that better or differently. Nevertheless, it did happen. And it did make me feel uncomfortable. I'm assuming you. You you communicated that? I did. Okay. And what was her response to that? Her response was, I would hope you would know he would never try to intentionally do anything like that. We actually found out about this a few days ago.

He's been eaten up by it, so upset. Okay. Which made me feel bad, right? Sure. I was never my intention. And then that's a fair response by her, giving your acknowledgement that you didn't handle it the best and most productive way. Yes.

But that still doesn't make you the bad guy. But anyway, so like, where did we go from here? So from here, we have our conversation. It's, we seem to have talked it out. Like, we, we seem fine in that moment. But then there's the element of, well, now I have another problem, which is my friend going out of her way to now expose this information that my husband and I weren't comfortable telling yet.

Obviously, we weren't probably going to tell it anyway if we were been sitting on the one thing for two years. So there comes that issue, right? I'm thinking it's my friend I told you years ago. So we finished the rest of our day. We had planned on going out on the town and day drinking, which is terrible idea because I was very angry at this other friend. It all blows up.

So I'm kind of giving her the cold shoulder the rest of the day. And then I guess while we're drinking, I start saying like making comments towards her or something. And then it gets exposed that she was not the one who said anything. It was the friend that came late to the party. That I was shocked by because I don't remember. telling her and I would have had no idea. So it ended in me and my sister packing our stuff up and leaving because it was a pretty

explosive fight. We all ended up getting into. We've been tricking all day. Everyone's mad at everyone. Everyone has their own version. Everyone has their own truth. Yes. Everyone feels like they didn't do anything wrong.

And everyone's mad. Yes. Okay. So explosive fight, we leave and we don't talk to anybody for like two months. Me and my husband. I'm assuming you told your husband about the drama. Oh, yes. I called him during all of it.

What was his response? He was just trying to get me to calm down because I was very upset. He wasn't really happy either that the information got out, especially from like who it got out by. Because in my head, you're sitting on this for two years. Why are you now all of a sudden bringing it up? But I've had a couple instances with this friend anyway. We've had a really rocky relationship. So it felt kind of like I was being targeted by her.

And it felt like she was manipulating this whole situation. to have it blow up in this way is how it felt for me. So I was not happy about it. He was not happy about it. And they all made it seem like it wasn't a big deal. Like the girls were telling the wife, we don't understand why she would do this. He has sisters. Like he would never do anything like this, which was crazy to me. But he did do it. Right. I mean, I don't know what his intentions were, but what he did by most people's standards is inappropriate. Yeah, yeah. I know it's inappropriate and everyone I've talked to is like, yeah. And they agreed and I agree too.

This conversation started being like, hey, my husband's best friend flirted with me and I'm the bad guy. I didn't ask. I kind of assumed that you were the bad guy to your husband, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. No. Who are you the bad guy too? And what are you trying to resolve and figure out? To my friends, the wife, who hates me now. Okay.

Fucker. I mean, who cares? There's a third that was also involved. That knows about the screenshot and stuff. And then the three other girlfriends that told her the wife about it. So you're the bad guy to everyone, all these girls? Like you've lost all your friends kind of thing? Kind of.

Which all of them? Not all of. I mean, we don't really talk anymore. Which of these friends before this drama all started? I'm assuming you were closer with some of these people than others. You know, your sister's involved. You got your best friend. And then you have these other women you were kind of friends with.

You have this wife who's like, hey, you know, we're friends. But like, I only know her because she's married. my best friend's husband, right? So, like, which, which of these friends that were truly your, the friendships that matter to you are actually affected? The wife, she was in my wedding. Like, we were that close. Oh, okay. She was your, okay. She was. Our friendship kind of, like, I wouldn't say grew apart of her time, but I think because of like, I don't know, maybe the comments and stuff and just, other various things. So her, who else? I was close with the other two girls at one point in time, but. And who are the, the other two girls are the first ones you told? Yes.

So the two girls that you told two years ago about this who had the screenshots, they're mad at you? No, I'm mad at them. You're mad at them. Okay, fair enough. Yes. But who are you the bad guy? Like the person you're the bad guy too that you're, you called in for advice. Why am I the bad guy to who are the, so the wife?

Who else? Well, I would say the two friends too because they portrayed the story as if I was the villain in the story as if I was like out of line for saying anything because she came out. me so angrily that in my head I'm like, okay, well, they must have told her a different version of the story than what I recall. Why? Why? They said that I was at the party basically running around telling everybody about it, like hyping it up. They thought that my husband was going to beat up his best friend because of how I was like hyping it up. Did the two girls that you initially told you two years ago are saying all this? Yes. Okay. And telling her about it. And have you had any sidebarred conversations with these two friends?

So I did right after the incident happened and we left the trip and I came home. I messaged them the next day and I just said, hey, like, I understand like why, like if she's at, because it was told that she was asked them to tell her this, which is why they told, right? She said, I need to know more information, like ask questions. They were answering the questions. Retraying it a little differently than it was, but they were giving. And I said, hey, I understand like, if she's asking you questions, Like that's fine.

I said, but I like, I'm hurt that this came out and not from me or my husband. I'm hurt that you guys told my story. And I was not okay with that. They apologize. And we left it off on good news. I'm a very forgiving person. So, and I don't like trauma. And I'm, I try to step outside and always think like, okay, if I had someone's

wife coming up to me asking me these questions, like I would probably do the same thing. So I wasn't mad at them for that. Like, I understood where they came from, but I wanted to let them like, like I felt blindsided by it all. Sure. But I guess from the point, you. You sidebarred with them. You spoke your piece and you said we were kind of fine at that point.

They were like, they understood you were coming from you felt like? Yes. Okay. And then what happened after that? So about a month after that, and I still haven't talked to the wife or the husband. We decide that they're going to come to my house and have a conversation. Just me, my husband, the best friend in the wife. They come to our house and we have conversation.

Yeah. And that's where I find out about things I don't remember from the night of the party. because she's telling me things that she had been told. Like what? That I was giddy about the idea that my husband would be mad at his best friend and that they could possibly fight, which is crazy. And what was your response to that? That's crazy.

And I told her, I said, listen, I was barely drunk that night. I was like, I might have been animated in my storytelling, but there's no way that I would have ever been championing for them to be in a fight. That's not my M.O. And did you say some version of like, listen, you know, listen, again, I was drunk. I can't sit there and tell you what I did or didn't do because I don't remember. It seems like you said, out of character for me to do. It doesn't sound like I did.

But if I did, if I even gave that impression to anyone, I'm sorry because what I can recognize is that I probably could have handled this situation better. But like, this all started because something inappropriate happened. Whether his intentions were, I don't know what his intentions were. But like, did they? ever really just own that? So I would say the husband was a lot more forgiving and understanding of the situation. What do you mean forgiving? Did he own? Like did he own? Like, he was more understanding of where I was coming from. He didn't take it as me trying to like defame his character. Did he ever apologize to your husband, one? He did. He did. He said, I apologize if I, it was more

of an apology of like I'm sorry it came across that way. You know what I mean? Like it was more so it was an apology but also I think they were more so just worried about his character and trying to fix that. That's how it felt to me because it was a lot of like they definitely apologize but then it would backtrack to various other things like he asked me if because the time that he had messaged me I was postpartum and he asked me well when this happened was around the time that you had the baby kind of insinuating that maybe my whole.

hormones. He's blaming your hormones. That's crazy. Like, he asked me that. And I, it was things like that. So it was like there'd be an apology, but then there'd be like comments like that. So then it left off in a weird spot of like, we're, we're okay, but there's definitely still underlying things. You know what I mean? And I did apologize for my part because I said, listen, I 100% know I realize I shouldn't have told anybody like totally understand that. And their thing was more so who I told versus like telling because I told someone they're not very fond of. So how did that end? We ended by just agreeing to kind of let bygones be vagans. We talked through it all.

Like he apologized for his part. I apologize for my part. Obviously, the wife didn't have anything to apologize for it, right? And my husband either. And it kind of just ended like, okay, we're going to kind of move forward from this. How is your husband's friendship with his friend these days? It's definitely different. They still talk, but they definitely don't talk as much or hang out as much as they used to.

And we've been to two group events since. and they were very awkward. Sure. More so towards me and my sister, because my sister kind of, I guess, I don't want to say like banded with me, but she kind of kept her distance from some of them too. She had your back.

She had my back, yeah. So it's been kind of awkward. The wife, she won't even, we actually, so we have kids that are friends with each other, which makes it a little more weird and difficult because they're very close, like cousins, basically.

So she won't even message me if like she wants my kids to come over or like if her kids want to hang out with my kids she won't even message me she will go right to my husband like she won't really talk to me it's just awkward energy so like obviously she's upset how long ago was this conversation between the two couples it was in september yeah it felt like it was kind of like a band-date on it you know what i mean and that kind of brings us to present day so to speak yes what can i help you with i just wanted to get another perspective, kind of like, obviously I know where I was in the wrong, but it feels like, because it's still lingering, that I keep questioning. I'm like if I'm a terrible person or not.

I'm just, I don't know, and I don't know where, like, where I should go, like, if I should try to establish these friendships or if I don't, I feel kind of betrayed in a way too, because I feel like people taking something that made me feel uncomfortable and then announcing it and telling their version of it really didn't hit me the wrong way. And now that they're acting like, I'm the bad one because I basically it felt like they are saying that I'm like stirring drama and trying to just start drama, right? And for me, it's not that. Yeah.

All right. So a couple of things. My short and very direct unempathetic answer is you all kind of need to grow up. There's a cold reality as you get older. You know, your circles get smaller, right? Yeah. Because you and your husband have your life together. You have your children.

You guys, I'm sure, face challenges every day. day and your kids bring home challenges and maybe it's just the flu or maybe it's money problems or maybe it's just like you know your kid something's at that school and you know you all have your own shit six years ago it was just like i got my boyfriend and we have friends we all go out we go drink and you guys are kind of in this kind of transitional period in your life where you're still able and wanting to like still like you know get the girls trips and go out and have fun and do some of the same activities you all did when you were in college together you know and and and and and things like that, and for the most part,

you guys have been able to continue to do this. All while, all of you are growing up and having real world shit to deal with and problems that, you know, marriages and kids, all these things that come into play that are a higher priority than just the trivialness of everyone's feelings of awkwardness and discomfort and things like that.

Yeah. And I think more than anything, you just need to like let bygones be bygones, bygones. This drama happened, but right now you're still kind of stuck in the drama of worrying about what everyone thinks about you. Yeah, I am. You know, and you've recognized early in this conversation that you're bad with conflict and that your husband's bad with conflict. That is what's caused all of this. Yeah. You and your husband didn't get on the same page and you and your husband didn't address as a couple how this situation made you feel. And you two didn't address as a

couple how you guys were going to move forward as a united front being knowing that you were on the same page you probably should have encouraged your husband at that point to talk to his friend in a way that wasn't aggressive but just be like yo what's up with that you know um that didn't include the girls gossiping you know and like yeah you're mad at your friends and they definitely could have done something differently but like you you know like what do you what did you expect you know this is what people do when it comes to drama. It's a silly drama, right? And none of it really really matters. And I guess you just have to decide which of these relationships are really meaningful and important. Yeah. I hope the answer is, well, the only one that's really meaningful is my relationship with my husband.

Yeah. You know, and I love having my friends and my friends are important. But at the end of the day, I got my kids, I got my husband, and that's all that really matters, you know? And friends come and go and you guys will continue to make more friends as your kids grow up and go to different schools and join activities, you will make other friends through their friends. Right now, you are dictating who your kids are friends with. You're like, hey, our friends have a kid around the same age. So you guys are going to be friends in a way, right? It's like you said you referred to cousins, right? It's like, well, you know, my siblings have kids right around the same age as my daughter. They're going to have a relationship because they're related, right? How much they really like each other?

Do we really become friends after that? Time will only tell, right? But you are dictating who your kids are friends with. As your kids get older and they go to school, they will start dictating who you're friends with, right? You know, when our daughter goes to school, she's going to be like, oh, I'm friends with so-and-so. And I'll be like, all right, do you want to,

and then we'll meet their parents, and then we'll decide, oh, they're cool. Yeah, we should invite them over for dinner. We should go hang out, you know? So, like, that's going to happen. And your friendships will continue to evolve, especially and hopefully as long as your kids and your husband and your family is really the only priority. And that's not to say that you can't be a good friend. It's not to say you can't show up for friends

when they need you. The days in which you woke up and called up your friend and was like, what are we going to do today are over in my 20s. Even when I had a girlfriend, me and my buddies had like a Madden tournament. That was like a big deal to me. And it was like my Christmas morning. And I fucking loved it. I mean, I miss it. And I think about those times. I think about those times. This is a great time in my life. But, like, you know, I had the luxury of only having a girlfriend and I could care about something as stupid as a Madden video game tournament among friends. And that was my world, you know.

Yeah. That's not my world anymore. I don't have time for that shit, you know. Yeah. There are days that would be like, that'd be fun to do. But, like, nah, not over, like, being a good dad or a supportive husband. And, like, I just don't have the energy or time for other people's bullshit. I don't have time for it.

And you guys have a little bit of time for it. That you, and instead of choosing not to partake in the drama, you lean into the drama. Yeah, this was kind of my wake-up call of that, right? I think this was kind of my movement of, okay, maybe I do need to take a step back because we spent a lot of time together with this group. Like, we were seeing each other almost weekly. That's how it was a lot. And I did find removing myself from a lot of that, I actually felt like a weight was lifted. I had more space up here to think about other things. You know what I mean? When you just saying all of that really hearing it from somebody else, like puts it into perspective, right?

Like, because you're right. My husband and my kids, that's my priority. What do I have time else for? Like what little time I have, right? So I appreciate that. I'm glad that this is helpful. I really think you and your husband need to address the fact that you're both bad at conflict, which means no doubt that when you and your husband feel conflict between each other,

you guys probably have a way of ignoring it and letting it go. and letting it fester and not address it. And that's something you guys need to work on because someday it will affect you to. You know, you have to get better at just opening up and talking about it. And maybe it's, do you guys do couples therapy? No, we've talked about it,

but we've never, like, jump the gun and just like that. And maybe it could just be like, listen, I don't think we need couples therapy because, but like we're not good at this. And honestly, like, this whole situation has been stressed we don't need. And I really think it wasn't my, fault, he sent me this, you know. Yeah. You didn't do anything wrong. But yeah, we as a couple,

I think it would be good for you guys to recognize we didn't help ourselves out the best. We didn't, as a couple, come together to make sure that this situation didn't bubble up to the way it did. Yeah. And you guys just didn't sit down as a couple to say, like, what are we going to do as a couple? How let's us get into our feelings. And again, sometimes a good couple's therapist can help with that. Because listen, like, as you know, marriages are hard. And like, when you're both stressed, it's really easy to be, even as a married couple, to just be in your thoughts. And, you know, a lot is said without being said, you know, and it's hard to open up. And you recognize your husband's not good at that. And you're not good at that. So it's hard for you to get your

husband to be good at that when you're not good at yourself. Yes. So as a couple, acknowledging that and saying, we could both use some help. Because if nothing else, I just don't want this stupid bullshit to come between us. And the next time this happens, I just want us to be better at us communicating our feelings, because the only thing that really matters is that we're on the same page, that we feel connected, that when we feel a little rattled by something that happens, that maybe that's outside of our control, it doesn't come between us. And if we have to address somebody or something, we are good at just talking about it first and making sure on the same page and then encouraging each other to the thing that we know we're not good at, which is like,

hey, I think you need to talk to him. And let's just try to like do what we can to make sure that doesn't blow up. It doesn't sound like you were deliberately messy. It was just, you didn't know what to do, you didn't know how to talk to your husband about it. So you told your friends, you recognize you need some validation. All you need to know is that your husband knows that you didn't do anything. The only validation you should really need is from your husband. Now, again, And that's in a perfect world. And it is important to have friendships. And, you know, I'm not saying don't have friends.

But so going forward, I think you need to stop worrying about what everyone thinks about you in this friend group. And then really slow down. Obviously, you have your sister and your closest friends. And then as far as the relationships that you hope to mend, you probably can mend, but it's going to take a little time. Yeah. You know, and if your husband really wants to build back his relationship with his friend, he's going to have to work through that conflict. He's going to have to ask, you know, get a beer with him and be like, yo, dude, I know that was all fucking weird. But like, again, just between me and you.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry, man. Like, I thought that was a little fucked up that you questioned my wife's, you know, hormone. Like, again, I don't know what the reason. And I don't think you maybe have the wrong intentions, but you need to recognize that. Like, that's just weird. You don't do that, you know? Yeah.

But again, it's up to your husband to try to address that, but he has to get better at conflict and he needs that support from you. But, like, it, you know, at the end of the day, you know, at the end of the day. maybe he's just like, I don't know, man, like we were friends. I mean, my closest friends that I grew up with, I'm still lifelong friends, I don't know, we don't talk every day. We don't talk every week. Yeah. I don't have time, you know. I got shit going on. And I think that will be the new norm. And then when it comes to the relationships that really matter, you guys will just have to figure out what you have to do to solve those relationships while at the same time recognizing there's only so much you should do. Because at the end of the day, none of these friends,

friendships are really, like, they don't matter in a way. Yeah, no. I think that's what I'm struggling with, right? Drinking buddies. Yeah. Honestly, that's pretty much what we do when we get together. So, you know, that's the thing. You recognize that what is, why are we friends? Well, we're friends because we're someone to go on trips with, people go out to bars with, have a good time, game night. These are all fun. Yeah. Don't get me wrong. But are they necessary? Are they important? do they feed our souls, you know, did they help us be better parents? Do they help us be better partners with each other?

A lot of those answers are no. Yeah. You know, so when those answers become no, and then it causes more disconnect and drama than it does just fun, then you realize that maybe we've outgrown that part of our life. I mean, there's a certain part of reality

that you, maybe that's just the answer, is that this drama made you guys recognize that, like, the times in which we all, all we did was have fun with our friends and drink and have a good time, life's a little more complicated for you guys now. Yeah. Yeah, no. I agree.

I think I've been figuring that out. Hearing it from someone else that has no association, it hits harder. You know what I mean? You saying that, definitely 100%. I'm glad this was helpful. It was. Your priority is your family. Your priority is your husband.

And I encourage you and your husband to acknowledge that you guys have a lot of work to do when it comes to conflict resolution. And if you don't, it will affect your relationship at some point. Yeah. And being proactive and getting the help of someone like a couples therapist who can help you guys work through that while you're not experiencing some great disconnect is a really great time to address that weakness that you both have. Yeah, definitely. Cool. Keep us posted and how things play out. We'd love to hear it. Definitely. Thank you so much. My pleasure. Awesome. Take care. You too. Thank you. All right, bye-bye.