The Viall Files - E1075 Ask Nick - He's in Japan, I'm DTF

Episode Date: February 9, 2026

Our first caller's ex reached out the moment she got engaged…does she tell her fiancé? The second caller is considering flying to Japan to see an old fling in the middle of her divorce. And our final caller is torn over whether to let her estranged father walk her down the aisle.   "You have the right to have expectations of your dad and be disappointed by his shortcomings, but you're choosing to have no relationship with your father..."   The Viall Files is going LIVE with the new cast of Temptation Island on May 6th! Presale is already open if you use code JOKES. General sale starts Friday January 23rd @10am PT. For more information, please visit netflixisajokefest.com.    Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content?  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Love drama, tough questions, and Nick's honest advice? Follow @asknickviall on Instagram and Tiktok for dating and relationship advice from someone who's seen it all    HEY! YOU! DO YOU NEED DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE?  Email [e-mail] and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes!   Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter    Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff now!  Listen on Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774298881  Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=3b868996930347e8  Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod   Listen To Disrespectfully with Katie Maloney and Dayna Kathan now! Listen on Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/disrespectfully/id1516710301 Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0J6DW1KeDX6SpoVEuQpl7z?si=c35995a56b8d4038 Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCh8MqSsiGkfJcWhkan0D0w To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com   THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Merit Beauty - The RealReal is the most trusted name in authenticated luxury resale, With over ten thousand new arrivals daily, no one does resale like The RealReal. And now, get TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS OFF off your first purchase when you go to https://therealreal.com/files Helix Sleep - Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall for 27% off sitewide for their President's Day Sale. Grammarly - In a world of generic AI, don't sound like everyone else. With Grammarly, you never will. Download Grammarly for free at https://Grammarly.com. Tonal - Right now, Tonal is offering our listeners $200 off your Tonal purchase with promo code VIALL. That's https://Tonal.com.  Caraway - Caraway's cookware set is a favorite for a reason, it can save you up to $190 versus buying the items individually. Plus, if you visit https://Carawayhome.com/VF10 you can take an additional 10% off your next purchase. Bilt - Join the loyalty program for renters at https://joinbilt.com/viall    To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles     Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (00:50) - Caller One (24:41) - Caller Two (55:37) - Caller Three   Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @the_mare_bare @izeweaver  

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Good. What's your name? My name is Ruth. Hi, Ruth. And I am 36. Okay, how can I help? I'm getting married in November, and my ex reached out to me. like a month after I got engaged.

And it wasn't like the nicest message. And I don't know if I should tell my fiance before we get married or if I should just bury it, let it be, never think of it. Why wouldn't you tell him? So background story, I dated my now fiancee back in college for like about a year on and off.

And then I ghosted him. And then when I was 22, I met my ex of 12 years. and the last month that my ex and I were together, my now fiancee and I had reconnected and we were kind of just friends. Like there was nothing there. And then he kind of like went through the breakup with me, like saw me go through all the things and kind of like was my friend through it.

And then like he hated him just because of all the stuff that he had heard and all the fights that he had heard and seen. Your now fiance didn't care for your ex. Hates. Okay. That's pretty typical. So, yeah, well, yeah. And he is blocked on everything or so I thought until an email slipped through. The email just said, like, I heard you're getting married.

I hope it's everything I couldn't give you. Dot, dot, dot. And? And I feel like, I feel like if I tell my fiance, like that will, like, set him off. Like, how does he have like an inn? Like, how is he able to still reach you? How does he still have communication with you? And I mean, I thought.

was blocked. But why not? He's a very jealous person. You're a fiance. He's very jealous, yes. But why not tell him? I don't, what are you hiding?

I just feel like he'll be like, well, why do you still have like a means of communication? And even if I say like, I thought he was blocked, he'd, I don't think he would like believe me. But I also feel like it.

Why wouldn't he believe you? I don't know. Just because I had like 12 years of history with this person and I left my ex. Yeah. And then like I'm kind of immediately started dating my now fiance. say so I feel like I wouldn't feel great about that. It was on the other foot. What do you mean you wouldn't feel great about it? He had a similar situation, which I did find a letter from his ex-girlfriend of like seven years. And I found it.

I kept it where it was. And then one day like that drawer got cleaned out, but like that letter got moved. And I was like, so I didn't like that throw it out. And I actually had asked him. I was like, I found this letter when I was like cleaning. And now that you cleaned out this drawer, the letter moved, but you never threw it out. Like, were you holding on to it for something? He's like, I didn't even realize what that was. Okay. And your response was to that?

Like, okay, I trust you. I believe you. Okay. I'm not that jealous of a person. And let's assume, well, I mean, hopefully I didn't lie about it, but let's, I don't know if you listened to the most recent episode where someone was upset about a folder full of, like memorabilia, whatever. There's a part, like, listen, on, on its face,

right, like as I listen, they assume you know, people who are going to listen to this. It doesn't make sense that you would, like, why would you hide this from him? You know, it's like there's nothing to hide. Your actions and how you're interpreting this situation almost implies that you have some unresolved feelings that you are having a hard time processing and you're projecting those feelings onto this situation. because like in a relationship like granted yeah you have a lot of history with that ex understand that your current fiancee has demonstrated signs of jealousy and things like that

I'm sure you want that to be worked on by both himself and you guys in the relationship and how to address that I don't think how you're handling this is going to help that situation at all Would you want to know if, you know, your wife's ex had contacted her right before your wedding and just... Well, first of all, it's not right before you're getting married in November and you, I don't know, they reached out when like several months ago? September, yeah, and we got engaged at the end of August. All right. So he reached out right after you got engaged. If I were insecure about your feelings, you know, I guess it could bother me. Just out of curiosity, why is he blocked on all platforms?

and how did you come to that decision? I had to go no contact. It was toxic. It was unhealthy. It was, we both knew it was over. So, like, neither one of us wanted to call it. So when I finally called it, it was almost like a spiral happened and he couldn't handle it.

So I was getting, like, 200 phone calls a day, like back to back. And then I have a work phone. And, like, he would flip between the two. And then I was getting emails, like paragraph long emails and text messages. and Facebook messages, any message, like any sort of avenue that you could message someone through, it was just to the point where, like, I was having panic attacks over it because I was like, I need you to go. Yeah, okay.

That makes sense. So good. You know, and I'm assuming your fiancé knows that story? Yeah. He was there for a lot of that. And when you blocked him, it was it, was it you being like, I got to block this guy? Was it, was it your fiance suggesting you block it? Did you give off or any?

No. No. So it was totally came from you? Yeah, it came from me. Like I knew that I had to go no contact because. So then let me ask you this question. Then why, when you're making this decision, do I tell my fiance, why are you acting as if he was like, I need you to block him? I need you to block him on all platforms.

And then you did. You complied with his request. And then like, forgot about the email because you're just like, he's going to be like, well, why does he still have access to you? were again like this is a situation where for your own mental health and for your own need to move on and remove honestly to protect your ex from himself who like obviously was kind of going in a manic state you put a stop to that he found out you got engaged obviously triggering for him for him honestly i'm surprised it took him a month to reach out but he did and i'm just wondering why like it wasn't easy for you to just go to your your fiance and say hey just

let you know. I got a email from Chuck. He's obviously upset that we're in love. But listen, I obviously blocked him now on email. It didn't realize he still had access to this email. But just, you know, obviously in the spirit of like just open communication and I just want to let you know. And I feel like that would have been like the thing to do, you know, you've gotten to yourself into this very typical, I think, a rabbit hole that people often make. You justify your choices is because your ex is jealous, right? And you kind of convince yourself that your reasoning you're not fully transparent

or honest is because you don't want them to get bad. And there may be some truth to that, but he could get mad. You don't know. But one or two things are going to happen with your fiance, right? He either is so jealous and so reactive that nothing you can do

is going to change his jealous ways. In which case, you kind of have a problem because that is not going to get any better or worse And I'm assuming for the most part you guys are experienced generally a honeymoon phase and you're excited about this engagement. But like, as you know, relationships get hard and things happen and they might feel moments of disconnection. And like if he's jealous now, imagine what he's going to be like when you guys really have to put some work in. Or the other option is to despite his jealousy, you promise yourself that I'm going to be always open and transparent with this guy. Now, some things might trigger him, but that's going to be something he has to work on because I know I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just like, I'm just being communicative. You don't need to apologize in a situation where, first of all, you weren't required to block your ex. You know, it wasn't even a request from him. And even if it was a request, it's an understandable honest mistake that you like forgot about the email. Most people don't even know how to block someone on email. You know, I'm sure most people could figure out, but it's not something. Yeah, it's not something. Yeah, it's not something.

we think about. I've never done it. Honestly, your bigger problem isn't your ex. It is figuring out how to be honest with your fiance and then either find out whether this is a guy who despite some jealousy issues can work on that and identify it's like, like I can't be like this. I'm getting married to this person. Am I going to still be jealous? Like, why am I acting this way? If, you know, like, if you're giving him no reason to think or feel that he should be insecure about a guy you dated for 12 years, then you don't need to apologize for that. You, I mean, the reality is, you're in a worse situation. Because if you tell him now, he has every right to be like, well, why took you three months

to tell me? Did you wait? Yeah. Why did you wait? Like, what were you stewing on? That's true. And we normally have great communication. We're very open and, like, I should have.

Like, first instinct when I saw the email was just, I should text him right now and, like, let him know. But he was at work. And I was like, oh, I'm not going to do that. Well, that works. Like, I'll wait until I get home. And then it just. just kind of snowballed into, I deleted it, and it doesn't exist. But then talking to one of my

friends, and I asked my parents, I was like, what do I do? My dad's like, you're not still talking to him. So what does it matter? And I was like, I don't know. I just don't want him to like, feel some type of way that he still had access to my, like, to me. And I didn't tell him right away. And now I didn't. Because it's definitely been a couple months. You definitely fucked up there. I mean, that's, I don't think it's an unforgivable. You dropped a ball. You dropped a ball. You know your fiance best. What do you think his reaction is going to be? Definitely annoyed. And definitely going to question like, right? That's the best case. Yeah. Definitely kind of just why isn't he blocked? But like I thought it was blocked. So I think it's just more like he's going to be very frustrated, which I don't blame him. But if I were you, I would try not to make this a bit. deal. You know, you don't need to text him at work and be like, we need to talk when you get home. But like, I don't know, next time you're driving, just be like, listen, can I tell you something?

And I feel really stupid and I'm really disappointed in myself. But like Mike reached out a couple months ago and sent me this really weird email. First of all, I was surprised to receive it because I thought I had them blocked. I did it. It caught me off guard. I deleted it right away. And then I kind of got in my head feeling bad that I didn't have them blocked. And I didn't tell you. And then it's been kind of just sitting with me. I'm like, why didn't I tell him? And I feel weird for not telling you. But like, he reached out and I just kind of got in my head. And maybe you guys can have a conversation. Now, I don't think you blame him. You know, like you, if he getting in the weeds, you can say, listen, I think I got a little freaked out because is he aware that he's

has a jealous side? Yeah, he can admit it. Okay. Well, then maybe you can just listen. You'll have to say, this is not an excuse. I was wrong. But I kind of convinced myself, I was a little afraid that you would get mad because you're jealous, but I don't want to have that type of relationship with you. I still want to be able for us to tell each other things, even at the risk of it might be slightly upsetting because we can talk through things and we can work through things and there's nothing we can't talk or work through, especially things that honestly like neither of us did anything wrong here. You know, something happened.

Things can happen outside of our control and we might get triggered, but like it's our job to like just be there for each other. And like, you know, you got to have that kind of conversation with him. acknowledge what you did wrong and then communicate why you're telling him now and what your goal is and why you hope like do I want you to work on your jealousy sometimes sure I don't want to ever use as an excuse for why I am not up front with you if he reacts a certain way that's like Jesus oh my God like I why are you blaming me and why you you know that's a separate issue right that's you being like listen I understand you're upset but like I did nothing wrong here you know to be clear and I don't

want to be punished for being honest with you. If he showed up at my work, like a stalker, are you going to take it out on me? Yeah, I didn't invite him to my door. Yeah. So, and I think that is what happened. I think I did like react in a way where I was just like, oh, like this, it feels gross. And then I like didn't come forth with it. And then I think I sat on it for too long because I was just like, I didn't know what to do. I think it's exactly like what happened. Like I should have said it in the moment and then I didn't. And now I just let it go on. And then I've been like in my head like we have till November. And I just feel like there should be no secrets or not secrets, but like just nothing that you're hiding.

And you're weirdly like keeping a secret that honestly isn't even worthy of a secret made into a bigger deal than like what it needed to be. Yeah. I'm great at that. That's what I'm good at. Well, unless you, you're going to acknowledge that. But like this is a very, I think, typical thing in relationships where we justify being dishonest. And it's mostly like a lack of admission, right? It's, I'm not lying, I'm just not telling them, and I just don't want them to be upset and

things like that. And it's a slippery slope. Not how you want to start this relationship off, but understandable why you got in your head, I don't think this is the end of the world. And I think, I think him being super annoyed and asking some follow-up questions while being annoyed is totally reasonable and fair on his part. Yeah. And I think if you just own it all, sometimes you catch people off guard by really owning

things right away. You know, because siblings or partners will fight often, right? Sometimes we're used to being like, well, I'm going to fight you for at least 15 minutes. Even if, even because I know you're right, but I'm still going to fight you. I still have to get my argument in. Yeah. Sometimes when we don't do that and we do the thing where it's like, listen, I was wrong. I shouldn't have done that. Here's why I did that. Not an excuse. I'm just like explaining my, my psyche, but that is wrong. And sometimes it'll catch people off guard. that, you know, you kind of give him nothing to say. It's like, yeah.

Okay. I'm annoyed. And then they might, so, but like, you know, you might deal with that, but that would be fair for him to be frustrated and annoyed to ask you some questions. But I just, that shouldn't blow up into something. And maybe it's an opportunity for you guys to like, you know, connect and, and reestablish expectations between the two of you. That's actually, it's a great point.

Like, that's who I am as a person. I just take everything and I bottle it into like an, like, I'm just anxious. So I feel like that's my go-to move. It's just like I should feel anxious over this or I should feel like I did something wrong. Even though I didn't, I just felt like I should have had all like ways of communicating with me cut off. Then I didn't. And it just isn't that big of a deal. But it's the fact that like I waited for so long and I didn't do it when it happened. But that's my own fault. Yeah, I mean, listen, if you're my fiance and you're telling me this, like, I appreciate your honesty, but I'm a little nervous by the fact that you're like, well, what happens when you do something wrong? You know, you're definitely not going to tell me. You're going to be like, he's going to be mad. I'm really good at telling on my, what? I'm really good at telling on myself, though, like when I do something or like when I like make a mistake. Like, I'm actually really good about that. And I think that's just like the one point where I dropped the ball and then I started to overthink it. And well, there you go. So ever since that happened, I deleted it and blocked the email. And so I just have to tell him.

Yeah. He'll be like, what'd you do? You'd be like, I deleted it and I blocked it. And now I haven't heard from him since. And he'll be like, okay. Cool. Like that's how much I didn't care. It was like I just deleted it and forgot to tell you about it.

We didn't forget. No, I didn't. So, yeah, but just be careful when you don't say things like that, right? because it sounds like a cover-up. And when people are worried that they're being lied to, they listen for those words. Like, did you read part of it? Did I read part of what?

The letter. Oh, I read the whole thing. You read the whole thing? Okay. So if he asked, are you going to be like I read the whole thing? I told that myself because I was like, I noticed you cleaned out that drawer.

And I went to go grab my phone charger out of your other drawer where he had moved to. And I noticed that a letter that was in our drunk drawer had moved. had moved and I had opened it. I read the letter from your ex and I was just wondering like, why are you saving it? And he was like, what are you talking about? So I like, I went and I grabbed it and I gave it to him. He was like, I didn't even realize what this was because the envelope is blank. And he was like, I don't know. Like, I didn't like purposely save it. So like he just threw it out right there. And he was like, I'm sorry. He was like, I didn't know what that was. And I was like,

okay. Like I read it. Obviously I'm a girl. I took a picture of it like Senate to a couple of friends and I was like, what do we think about this? Why is this still here? Again, like, that's me. I like, tell it myself, like, I did that. Does it really matter? About the letter or the email? Let me post. How old was the letter? I don't think so. It was from 2020. So it was like, why are you, why do you still have it? Why not? Throw it away. Why? Because you don't talk to her anymore. So, did it compliment him at all? Oh, yeah. It was like me and my dog miss you and And I just hope that we can, like, regain our friendship again one day and come visit, like, soon, like, she lives in Boston. I think it was during the COVID shutdown, too, but, like, still, like, it was nothing that, like, was worth saving.

You don't, listen, minus your, this reaction of this email, you don't think fast forward, let's say, all right, you're going to get married to your, your fiancé, you guys are going to have a great marriage. It's going to be great. And whatever your goals and dreams are with your fiance, you will accomplish those goals and dreams, whatever those dreams may be. And 15 years from now, you're so moved on. But let's say 15 years go by longer than you were ever with that relationship. You're just, it will feel like a fever dream. You won't know this person. You won't know what they look like.

You don't think it would be kind of fun to go back and read an email or a letter that this person who was a distant memory to you. But like it might elicits that just bring you back to a time that was a felt like a lifetime ago. You don't think that would be kind of nostalgic and fun without in any way invoking feelings about that person other than nostalgia that like, wow, I just totally forgot all about that. And oh my God, what a crazy time. And remember when he like reached out to me 50, 100 times? I mean, it's fun to laugh at now, but probably. When you ask me, why does he keep it? I don't know. Like it's just, again, I said this in the last episode, but like, I don't know, it was, it's his life. It's, it's a recording of his life. It's like why, you know, I was also thinking about this over my trip. You know, we're taking a lot of content of our daughter and all these videos and all these pictures and in the not too distant future. People will honestly be able to watch their life on like their whole life will be recorded. Right. Like their life is, you know, like I was a kid there, we had the VHA's camcorders and I, you know, I, you know,

know, I don't even know where to find those, you know, like my old track videos in high school. It would be fun to go back and look. I mean, if I, you know, people nowadays will be able to do that, you know, which, you know, we get in the weeds about how scary or not scary or whatever. But it is fun to reminisce about your life, you know, wouldn't be, wouldn't it be cool if your parents had a bunch of, like, old, like, videos of your childhood and meaningful moments? And it's not going to just be the moments of, of happiness that you're going to think back on, you know? Like, it'll be moments that you, of sadness that you overcame and honestly will be very meaningful and memorable. And, you know, if you're securing your relationship, you know, I'm not saying you guys should just be reading old love ladders to each other. And I'm not saying, you know, like, I think there are certainly, certainly examples of when there's kind of maybe a red flag of like, why someone's so connected to this old memorabilia. But for the most part, it's a recording of a part of their life that brought you to where you are today. I mean, your 12-year relationship is a reason why you're engaged to this man right now.

You know, it played a role. It's very true. I don't think you guys need to, like, invite these people to your wedding as appreciation. But, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't think you have to be so insecure about where you stand in your relationship that you need them to burn and throw away a letter that's outdated and old and meaningless to them overall as it relates to that person. but ultimately is kind of like, that was crazy time.

Yeah, it just felt like, it just felt like that letter was like moved and saved intentionally. So when I saw it was moved, like I had to ask. Yeah. I'm a girl. Like, I have to obviously ask. Ask. I mean, by all means ask, but like, you know, put it. I mean, if you really think they're hanging on to it for weird reasons, you have bigger problems than the letter itself.

And that was before we were engaged, too. I think it was right before I had moved in like all the way. I definitely told on myself the next day. And I saw it. I saw this letter. And he was like, what letter? And then,

yeah, but he threw it out. Like, I didn't tell him to. I didn't tell him you had to. I mean, for all I know, I have old letters from girlfriends

that are like sitting at my parents' house in a chest or something. I don't know. It's possible. I certainly haven't like, there wasn't a day where I was like, make sure I've deleted every old memorabilia of any relationship I've ever had ever. It's a lot to do.

Yeah. It's a lot of effort. You know, give your partner the same grace you want him to give you. That letter that you made him throw out, no doubt, would have been really kind of fascinating, if nothing else, 30 years from now, for him to discover and find and read and just remember about a time in his life and have this piece of like time capsule evidence for, you know, and now he doesn't have it because you made him thrown out. But at least you have the picture, so maybe you can get that to him.

I did not make him throw it out. He just did it. And I was like, okay, I was like, you could have kept it. Obviously, you wanted to, like jokingly said that part, but I didn't make him throw it out. Anyway, you get my point. I think it's, I think just, I think it's good and healthy to acknowledge that you're having a reaction to it. And maybe it's just like, hey, like, you know, something to talk about or something to investigate with your partner. This bothered me that you had it.

And I know you did nothing wrong. but like I guess I felt a little insecure about that. Hopefully if he's annoyed and upset with you, you know, you guys can talk about why he's upset or why that made him feeling. You can validate his feelings without getting defensive. Or, well, you did this.

You know, well, you did that. All right. Yep. It's definitely a conversation to have. Yes. Makes me feel better. Well, let us know what he says.

I'd love an update. I will. We'll have this conversation probably soon. Soon. Like today? Like, stop making it. It's a big deal. Stop making it, stop making it a thing. Yeah. No, we won't be home until later tonight, both of us. Okay. Well, it's a five-minute conversation, hopefully.

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Careway, non-toxic cookware made modern. How's it going? It is good. My name is Cassie and I am 25 years old. How can I help, Cassie? So my question is, should I fly to Japan to see an old slang mid-divorce? Give me the pros and cons of, you know, why is this the decision you're having a hard time making? Well, where I live, you have to be legally separated for a full year before you can get a divorce.

It feels wrong, you're saying, because you're not actually divorced? Well, I think he sees it as wrong. Like, my ex would see it as wrong. I don't see anything wrong with it. He's doing his thing. So, like, why can't I do mine? Great question. Who asked for the divorce?

Me. Okay. And why does he feel like it's wrong for you to live your life right now? Because he sees it as we're still legally married and that would be cheating. Okay. Who cares? True. Is he doing something?

Like when you say he's doing his thing, what does that mean? Well, quite literally on Saturday, he was posted in a, are we dating the same guy, Facebook group. So it's like clearly you're out, living the dream. So. That's weird. So then what are you worried about? This is the second time, too.

This is the second time. We got divorced because of that. You got divorced because you caught him doing some shady shit. Yeah, three times. Okay. That's a bummer. So is this about you not losing the upper hand of like righteousness or something? Like are you worried that if you go to Japan to visit this fling and he catches winder about it, he'll be like, you did this too or you're no better than me and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Or like what's the thing that like who who's going to find out that is that, that, that, that, that. That makes you going to go, oh, shit. Well, that's the thing. He has no idea about this guy in Japan. So, like, if he found out I was going to Japan, it could just be like, it's not like me to go to Japan, but, like, there's no connection there. Like, they have no idea. I mean, he knows I have, the Japan guy knows I have an ex-husband, but for soon to be ex-husband, ex-husband has no idea about any guy. And you're thinking about, like, flying to Japan by yourself?

Yeah. Are you paying for it? Yeah. Does he live there? For now. Okay. He'll be home. Well, originally when I wrote in, I thought he would not be home to like December of

27. So I was like, dang. And he was like, you could always come to Japan though. I'm not coming home in between now and then. So he like threw it out there and you're like, I mean, I need to. I want an excuse to go to Japan. Yeah. And now he'll be home in December of this year.

That means. So it's a lot sooner. So it won't be in. 2027, it'll be in 2026. So it's like, that's only 10 months until you're back. Do I even go? Why are you going? Why are you thinking about going? Because I like him. That's it. I mean, we had like... You're not interested in seeing Japan? I mean, I am. I probably wouldn't go if it weren't for him. Okay. Why are you having a hard time making this decision? Because it's like, I actually liked this guy before I ever met my husband, got married. anything like that.

Like, we had a whole thing back then. Yeah. How old were you then? Situation ship 21. Okay. And he's younger than me. He was only 18 at the time.

Okay. So he's 22 now. Yeah. What does he do? He's in the military. Oh, okay. Yeah, listen, I would be careful

convincing yourself that you like him. That's what I was thinking. So it's like there's so much time. between now and when you come home. I guess what I'm saying is it's like, you know, listen, you're going through this divorce right now. You seem at peace with it, but obviously, like, disappointing to find out your husband was doing some things outside of the marriage.

And, you know, I'm sure you're not happy about that. It makes sense that you are looking to get out there and be adventurous, maybe make up for lost time, yada, yada, yada, revisit old, you know, connections. And that's probably the easiest thing for. someone in your shoes to do, because, you know, meeting strangers in generally is this more intimidating and scarier, I guess. So for all those reasons, like, you know, Yolo, if you want to go to Japan. If you go to Japan, I think you should tell yourself, I'm going on this adventure for myself. You know, he is a vehicle, and I'm certainly going to have fun with this guy, and I don't

know what's going to happen. I feel safe around him, so I'm not worried about putting myself in a vulnerable position and I think he's a respectful person and we'll go have some fun you know and I'm certainly open to getting to know the guy but you know he does live on the other side of the world he is three years younger than me um this fact that you quote unquote you know situation ship in the past whatever it was like I isn't like a it doesn't really mean much you know other than there's some familiarity there and I think you should just frame it more of us like an adventure that you're doing it for yourself and I would have an open mind I wouldn't you know like It seems to me a little silly for you to put your, first of all, like, he lives in Japan.

So I don't know what you two are talking about, if anything, but like, I don't think you should be waiting around for him. I think it's cool that you found a friend that you can talk to from time to time. And I'm sure he enjoys the communication in the company. But like, I don't, is this like, are you pursuing a relationship with him in this moment right now? I don't know. We talk every single day. And that's fine. I guess.

FaceTime to few times. Sure. Things like that. He always talks about like, when I'm home this, when I'm home that. And I'm like, okay, but they're not home. So this is pointless. He's in the military. And I don't know.

I can only guess I've had friends in the military before. But it would make a lot of sense that he's very excited to talk to you every day and enjoys that. And you, you know, there's that sense of familiarity and something to look forward to. And you also don't know if you're the only one he's talking to every day. Yeah. You're not together, so he doesn't owe you that. You're only 25. You're not even divorced.

You know, obviously maybe some weird laws in the South that are a little archaic, but whatever. But regardless of their archaic, like, there is something to be said about, like, maybe taking your time. And this is a vulnerable timing your life and probably a confusing time in your life. and I wouldn't be in a rush to make huge investments. That was kind of my thought too. Like, I have no reason to be in a rush. Do I even go, spend all that money to go there, stay there? And then...

I wouldn't go. I mean, listen, if all you're going to do is get on a plane and take like a 20-hour plane ride to sit in a guy's apartment and make out, then yeah, probably not. If it's an opportunity and he can, like, show you around Japan and, and do some sightseeing and like, I mean, I've never been. I've heard it's an amazing country. I would certainly like to go. You may never get an opportunity like this or a reason to go to Japan.

It could be a lot of fun. I think it really all comes down to how you frame it in your mind and the expectations you have of why you're taking this trip. And if you treat it like, I think that's the problem. Oh, so? I would have my expectations set too high. Okay.

Are you capable of changing your expectations? Are you capable of being like, I'm doing this for myself and this is an adventure? And I like the guy. I like what I know so far. But like, listen, like just chances of us, anything helping us between this guy. He is in the military. I got my life. It's just, I don't know.

I should keep dating other people. It sounds like you talk to him so much that you kind of are acting like you're in a relationship. And it sounds like you're not looking outside of this. connection you have with this guy, which is, I think, a mistake. Yeah, I think my fear is, like, being in a small town and knowing that my ex is so, like, you can't be with anybody else. You can't talk to anybody else. It's like, okay, well, I'm not going to go out and try to meet people because he's just going to come for me, no matter what I do. So this is like, he has no idea who this person is.

What do you mean come for you? Well, like, come for me, like, personally. like verbally come for me over text or call or whatever. And then also he can take that and like use it in our divorce as like infidelity to try to get me. I'm assuming you have all those screenshots of are we dating the same? Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, listen, I don't know much about that in terms of the legal stuff. So if you need to be careful as it relates to you divorce, I mean, that's a question for your lawyer, to be honest. Yeah.

And I would follow their advice is like, what do you have to do or not do in the next, I don't know how many months to make sure that you aren't hurting yourself financially when it comes to the final ruling on your divorce? So I would check in with your lawyer. It's on the personal side, outside of whatever advice you get from your lawyer on the legal side, I think right now you should focus on yourself, your needs, you know, investing yourself, take it, be open to taking adventures, try not to rush into relationships with guys, especially out of familiarity.

It makes a lot of sense why he provides a level of security and comfort. And I'm sure divorce is lonely. And he is, this guy probably listens to you and he's lonely too. You know, I get why you guys are adding value to each other's lives. And there's nothing wrong with that. But I think you should just temper your expectation. I'm bothered that I give a crap. at all when about like hurting my ex-husband or him knowing that I'm seeing somebody else

when he's being posted in these groups like 24-7 if the worst thing you have is well if the worst thing you have is is empathy for your ex who may not deserve all of it I mean you know it's not the worst thing in the world speaks to your equality you are as a person yeah but it's annoying well yeah there's it but that strike that bad You can feel bad and then recognize that despite you feeling bad, you're not doing anything wrong. And again, outside of whatever advice you get from your lawyer, that shouldn't stop you from living your life. And then you just have to get better at not letting those emotions dictate your choices. That's the problem.

It's that I care too much about what is this person going to think? What is that person going to think? Like, nobody cares. Well, that's true. Well, I don't care as much as you care, that's for sure. That's why I'm trying not to care what I do. So what do you mostly worried about? One, him coming for me and being super mad and angry towards me because like I don't, I can't deal with that anymore.

So don't deal with it. I mean, again, as long as you're not putting yourself in a vulnerable position as it comes to like a legal decision, your ex-partner feelings are not. really your problem anymore. And if he is overreacting or being a hypocrite and comes at you, you don't have to listen to it anymore. Just protect yourself legally by, you know, just getting advice from your lawyer and following in their advice. Don't you, you don't have to be loud about who you're talking to and you don't have to be on the dating apps. And like, right now it can just be you being, again, open to adventure, hanging out with your girlfriend. going out and having a nice time,

you're allowed to talk to people. You know, maybe between now and you're divorced, you don't go on the apps so that, like, you know, you'll play on it. Yeah, don't plan on it. Well, you know, maybe you will, maybe you won't. But, like, certainly you don't need to rush it because obviously that there's a level of being out in the public

and letting the public know, hey, I'm out there and dating. As far as going to Japan, I wouldn't go for him. I'd go for you. and if you're able to figure that out, but it sounds like maybe you don't have that much of a desire to go to Japan. And if that's the case, maybe just wait to December and enjoy the conversations you have with a guy

who's like kind of keeps you preoccupied while going through this divorce. But stop yourself from like... It's not that I don't want to go. But? I just know that I would never go if it weren't for him. Okay. But what is, you know... And I honestly probably would have never...

thought about it unless he brought it up, which he did. So I was like, huh. Could you have fun going? 100%. And if if a week after you got by, you stopped talking this guy for whatever reason, would you regret going, you know, is the question. Probably not. You know, let's say you go there, you have a good time. You're not boyfriend and girlfriend. And he's like, yo, listen, like, we can keep talking, but like, I don't, you know, like, I don't want to lie to you. Like, I do talk. to other girls and, you know, I like talking to you, but like, I don't, I'm not going to have a, you know, I live in Japan. And let's say you're just like kind of over it. Like, would you, yeah, if you're not going to regret the trip, then maybe it's a cool adventure, you know. So basically, fuck it, go.

I think it just comes down to how you, why you're doing what you're doing. Right now, you are in a vulnerable time because this is an emotional time and it's a hurtful time and it's hard to navigate divorce and things like that. And it is a weird thing to consider the feelings of your ex and things like that. So all I'm saying is just be mindful and careful about your motives of why you do things, right? So if you can acknowledge, but like, of course, I, you know, I probably would have thought of it, whatever, but like this opportunity came up because I talked to this guy. And I don't know what's going to happen with this guy. I definitely like, I enjoy talking to him. I like him. I think he's cute, but who knows, he's three years younger than me, he lives in Japan. We probably aren't

going to work out, and he's probably not going to be my boyfriend. But like, I can go to Japan and he can show me around and we can have a great time. And if I never talk to him again, I'm going to have, I'll have this really fun excuse to go to Japan that I may never get. I'm 45 years old and I've never had a, I've never been invited to Japan and I haven't gone. And I hope to go but to your point, it's really far away and I may never go. But like, sometimes all we need is a reason, right? Now, if you are, if you're like, I don't really like to travel and I've honestly like not super like into like Asian culture and I'm only going because I love this guy and I'm really into him and then I would be like, don't go because like, you know, you're putting all your

eggs in this baskets of this, you know, this relationship that, you know, probably isn't what you think it is, but you've been so like you're reliant on this kind of like conversation because it's a great distraction from the divorce that is hurtful. That's what I'm worried about, that I'm, like, making a fantasy up in my head. Like, you're just using this to get over that.

You probably are, to some degree, but it doesn't have to be, again, like, if all you're doing is, like, I'm talking this guy,

he's, I'm enjoying, it's enjoyable, I don't know what's going to happen. Who knows? Then you're fine. If you're convincing yourself and lying yourself, like he's the one, we're going to have the most amazing trip,

then yeah, you might be disappointed when that things don't work out. You know, it's just managing your expectation. I definitely need to lower them. Probably, yeah. What do you think is more accurate? Right now, probably I want to go because I like this guy, less that I give a crap about going to Japan, which sounds bad, but... Sound bad, and that's good to be honest with yourself,

but maybe that's an answer to, like, hold off. There's no urgency in going. No, I've got till Christmas. You don't have to go right now. You don't have to decide right now. And if all of a sudden you have a window where it's like I could go to Japan, maybe you look at, you know, maybe you find a cheap flight or something. I don't know, maybe something comes up.

Maybe. What do you think you're going to do? I mean, I want to go. I have not seen this guy in like four years. So it's like, I want to go. And over text and FaceTime and everything like that. It's like everything's the same. chemistry is the same,

banter's the same as it was. So I'm like, shoot, I really like this guy. But it's like, I can't just, I need to set my expectation to not just go there and be like, oh, something's going to happen.

Because if I go and he's still gone for six months, it's like, that was useless. I mean, you know the answer. I don't, you know, you just have to,

you have to figure it up. I mean, that's my problem. I can't. figure it out. Why is it a problem? Why can't you figure it out? Because I want to go. It's just, I don't want to just, like, be disappointed. I don't want to feel disappointed. And I know I would be disappointed. You can't change your expectation. It was, I definitely can change my expectations. It's just something I'm going to have to work on. Okay, so work on it. I appreciate

your recognition that you're, you're being honest with yourself, that I probably wouldn't go to Japan and for him for him. And I think I really like him. Fine. It's an honest statement. you can acknowledge, you have acknowledged, that you're probably getting a little ahead of yourself. Okay, no problem. We've all done that. That's okay. Normal, normal feeling. And but that last part, you're just like, well, there's nothing I can do about it.

This is how I feel. That's the part you need to work on, you know, and you can if you want to. Like, it's just literally a choice. It's just reminding yourself over and over. Yeah. Sometimes our feelings, our feelings often lie to us. They're feelings, you know, there are things we have to. process, they show up, they're unexpected. Sometimes they hurt, sometimes they feel good. And how we

process those feelings is literally the difference between being a little kid and being an emotionally regulated adult. What you need to do and what you're kind of acting as if you're incapable of doing, which is a little bit of punting on the emotional responsibility you have to take care of yourself. I don't know, this is how I feel. I'm nothing I can do about it. That's not true. You can literally just keep reminding yourself that like, well, despite my feelings of liking him, it could definitely not go the way I hope or want. And that's okay. But I'm probably going to have fun. And I'm not going if things don't work out between me and him. And even if he is just an excuse to do something crazy that I would otherwise do, that it might be good for me to get out of my comfort zone and

yolo and take a trip and have some fun. And you just have to mentally practice that. You just have to like remind yourself as opposed to like letting yourself slip into delusion and on the plane ride there tell yourself or start wondering about how like this fantasy weekend's going to go and if it doesn't go your way you cry the whole way home on the on the plane ride back yeah i mean i agree with that and that's like one part of my brain is like the emotional side of it and then the other part of my brain is like you got married at 21 you're 25 or 22 you're 25 years old you're getting a divorce why the hell not? Just go.

It's going to be fun no matter what happens. So that part of your brain, you need to lean into and keep reminding yourself of that. And when the feelings of, you know, what am I doing or blah, blah, blah, or, you know, and when you get caught up in your feelings,

let the objective side of your brain take over just to remind yourself like these are feelings and now process those feelings. That's part of being adult. I'm tired of having. having to process my feelings. I've been doing that for too long. That's part of life.

You know, every day we feel things. Yeah. And you want to feel things because the alternative is kind of shitty. You know, either going to let your feelings dictate you and you will be a victim of your feelings and you just have to hope their feelings are good feelings. Or you can just get better at understanding why you feel certain things.

And then process those feelings. Maybe by talking to a therapist, talking to a friend, talking to yourself. You know, that's how you avoid the ruminating over, like, just the constant thing of why am I doing this one? You know, you don't really get anywhere and you tell yourself things like, well, it's just how I feel. Nothing I can do about it. That's when you kind of get in the stuck. And you just have to take ownership of these are my feelings.

And now I have to work on processing those feelings and understand why I feel the way I do. Do you think maybe I should start talking to him like a little bit less? Um, if you find yourself playing a house and finding yourself like feeling like he's a boyfriend and then you find yourself feeling like I would be really hurt if I found out he was talking to other girls, but I don't feel like I'm in a position to ask him that. Then yeah, I think you, it would be smart to pull back a little bit. Every day is a lot for a guy that, you know, you're not in a relationship with. On the flip side, if like, hey, I found a good friend, this is a fun fling. We'll see where it goes. And if you can,

can just not get caught up and playing house in your mind and have and and and getting unrealistic expectations, then again, it's all amount, it's all, it's all comes down to how you manage your feelings on the situation. And what you're talking about is a boundary, a boundary you're considering setting, which is I should talk to him less, right? Which is a boundary that you would have to enforce yourself and then you would have to act on, you know, by, you know, you wouldn't, you know, the boundary wouldn't be like call me less so I don't talk to you as much. It would be you making a decision and then letting them know. And we set boundaries often to protect ourselves from the feelings that we have a hard time controlling. Yeah. So you're just kind of talking about a

boundary. And if you feel like that boundary would be a healthy in the long run because you have a hard time like controlling your feelings and expectations in the moment, then it might be smart. But I think the biggest takeaway from this call is you to not tell yourself, that you're incapable of controlling your feelings. True. And I know I am. Like, I know I am capable of it. Like, I left a man 13 years older than me at 25 years old and have been able to be like,

it's done, we're done. I'm not doing this anymore. And until now, having this decision of, like, moving forward and hurting him and moving forward for myself, I'm like, okay, now I'm like in this confused, like I don't want to hurt him. But also it's like, I laid down this law like it's over. We're done. Divorce is happening. So it's like, I know I can do that. It's just actively doing it. Yeah, which can be hard. But then remind yourself that like hurting him might be just a response to like you protecting yourself. And then you know, right? You know when you do things

to hurt people and sometimes people get hurt by your actions and when you didn't intend it. You don't want to hurt your ex. Doesn't sound like it, which is healthy and good. Doesn't mean he still might not be hurt. And if you're not doing anything out of spite or anger to hurt him, then you don't have to really feel guilty about, you know, he is responsible for his choices. He made some choices. Sounds like he might regret some of those choices and there are consequences that came from those choices. And if he's hurt, then he has no one to blame but himself. And he will work through that or not work through it, but it won't be your problem, right? And you're not doing things to go out of his way and hurt him.

In fact, you're probably going out of your way to not hurt him. But you do have a right to live your life and talk to people and date people now that you don't want to be in this relationship anymore. And, you know, like, again, you should protect yourself legally. But outside of that, you should be able to live your life. I agree. I just need to be like, okay, that part of your wife's over. We're going from here forward and actually move on with somebody else because I haven't done that yet. Well, he won't be the reason you move on the guy in Japan.

Like, again, it's just, again, and that's why it sounds to me like you know that you haven't really processed this to divorce finally. You just need time to process. And whether you want to get back together with this guy or not, you can not want to get back to your relationship and it can still leave scars and do some damage in a way that, like, you may not be ready to emotionally really give yourself and trust someone fully. And it might just be an overreaction to you wanting to forget about a very hurtful time in your life. That's probably what it is. Are you seeing a therapist or talking to anyone in processing this

divorce? I've been to therapy twice, but I haven't been back since. So not really. Twice in your life or twice since you're divorced. Okay. No, twice since like the he separated. Okay. You didn't find it helpful? No, not really, but it was a guy and I was like, okay, I prefer this to be a girl. Maybe you didn't find the right, yeah, maybe you just didn't find the right therapist. Yeah, so I need to try again. Like, I'm not actively fine. It's not the end-all be-all, but is a very useful tool. No doubt this guy is playing some kind of therapist role of listening to you and you venting to him. We don't even talk about it, though.

Probably not. But I'm just saying you are clearly processing this loss and disappointment. You are clearly struggling with how you go about doing that and questioning yourself. and, you know, and I would try to just give yourself some grace and work through it without committing to any person or thing. But a trip to Japan isn't much of a commitment other than, obviously, a bit of a financial obligation and some time. But yeah, go have some adventures. Go have some fun. Just in general, I think you should be open to being adventurous right now. I think that's a great mindset to have. Short-term adventures that really you don't have to commit to my outside of the

financial obligation and the time to do the adventure. But it's a really great time to just try new things. See what you're into. See what you're not into. Be open to saying yes to new adventures. I think that's a good mindset to have going through a breakup. I definitely need to because it's like when you get married so young, it's like you're, you don't do anything beforehand. Like, what can you do 18 to 21? Nothing. Then you get married. And it's like, we didn't do anything, especially in like, you know, the South how it is. It's nutty. But now it's like, okay, you can go live your life. Yeah, you should definitely go live your life. It doesn't have to be that important. That's what I need to learn. Like, it doesn't have to be important. And then recognizing you, it would be hard for you. It would be hard for

you to probably understand your feelings on him given where you're at in life. And I don't doubt that you really like him, but is this the type of relationship, you know, is he satisfying a temporary feeling that you have? Or is he providing something more sustainable? Probably the former, but who knows? It really comes down to how, you know, can you control your feelings? And can you treat this like an adventure? And not a really long-ass trip to spend a week. weekend with a guy. Yeah, that doesn't sound very good. Yeah. So, all right? Yeah. All right. I go to Japan. I'll let you know. All right. Let me know. And in the meantime, just, you know, I would look into ways to help you process this loss and just, you know, it's okay to not be over it yet. But you just want to be mindful that you're being proactive

with your feelings and not reactive in the sense that like don't stop, you know, reacting to the things that he does or says, is that being your ex? Or again, just proactive. doing what's right for you, not responding to other people. Yeah, I definitely need the work on that because I'm always so worried about like, what is he going to think? What are my parents going to think? What is my sister going to think? What are my friends going to think? Like, it's not their life. It's yours. Stop. I just have to keep reminding myself that. Maybe this trip would be a great way of doing that. You know, it's like, I'm doing this for me.

It's very outside of the box for me. I'm a little nervous about people just. judging it, but I'm doing this for an adventure. I'm doing this for myself. I'm not really, if people ask, I'll tell them, I'm really not going to, like, announce it to the world. I'm going to go have some fun. I'm going to see some cool shit. And as far as the relationship with this guys, I don't, I don't know. Not really, honestly, I'm not even trying to figure that out right now. I'm going to go have fun and I'm going to have fun with the guy who's right now company I'm enjoying it. And it's not much deeper than that. Yeah. My mom said go. So I'm like, Okay.

She knows me pretty well, so I need to listen. Okay. It's like you got nothing to lose. If that's the case, then go. I'll keep you updated. All right, let me know. I sure will. All right, talk to you later.

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In a world of generic AI, don't sound like everyone else with Gramerly. You never will. Download Gramley for free at Gramley.com. That's Gramerly.com. How's it going? Hi, Nick. My name is Kylie. I'm 32, and I'm wondering if I should let my estranged dad walk me down the aisle.

Give me a little background. We've been on and off for probably a good amount of my life, probably since middle school. My parents got separated and he rocky relationship, I guess. And he got remarried. And ever since he got remarried, I kind of feel like he wasn't putting his kids first. Or I guess never felt like he puts kids first. And I just got into like situations and I just kind of would cut him off when I would get frustrated when I felt like he wasn't putting his kids first. So we just, we're both stubborn.

So we'd go long periods of time without talking to each other. And then he'd be like, oh, it's been a while. Like, let's just squash this. And I'd kind of just be like, okay, fine. It's been a while. And it was kind of like that for probably the last 10 years. We'd go long periods of time without talking. And so about two years ago, I kind of cut him off again after a situation.

And within that period of time, I got engaged. And he had heard through the grapevine that I got engaged. and I was hearing from my brothers that he was wanting to reach out and he was going to reach out. And I was just like, don't care, not going to talk to him. Like, he's only reaching out because I got engaged and this and that. And he reached out a couple of times and I was ignoring him, being stubborn about it. Are you comfortable giving me a little backstory on like, I mean, other than he's maybe just like not the best dad. Like, for example, Nalia has talked about her relationship with her dad at times.

She's learned to accept their dad just doesn't have that like, the dad gene. Well, a lot of it, and it's so picky, nitpicky, but Christmas Eve has always been my dad's time during the holidays. Like, my mom was Christmas, my dad was always Christmas Eve. We'd always celebrate it.

And like the last, probably, again, ever since he got married, the last three or four Christmas Eve has kind of turned into his wife's side of the family's time. So we've kind of worked around that. And I live far away. I don't live near him anymore.

But coming home for Christmas Eve, I would travel with my dog. and their side doesn't like dogs. So it was, you know, put them in the garage for the day or, you know, come a different time. So it was just like, I'm just so used to my mom, on the other hand. She's like, whatever you need. I'll see you guys, like, not a problem. So I see her who do anything for kids.

And then I'm like, okay, my dad's choosing and like, see it that way, like not seeing me because of a dog that would be around. Like, that was one instance. So I just was like, pressure. another time we couldn't come over. And it was during COVID. We couldn't come over unless we were vaccinated and we had to wear masks in the house around each other. And to each their own, it was just fine.

But I was just like, this is ridiculous. This is ridiculous. Like my mom is like, who cares? Come home. I want to see you. And so that was kind of the last time. The last straw was just like, we're always working around his schedule

and his wife's family during that time. So another way to just scum, gribe your relationship with your dad is that he has some boundaries he enforces that you don't necessarily agree with and often feel a little emotionally neglected by the result of your dad enforcing his boundaries some of which are centered around his new wife that you know you're not super excited about it's fine yeah she's fine i'm just like yeah i'm just like yeah i mean i'm just like yeah i she's nice. I just, I'm, I feel way towards her when I shouldn't. But like, she's nice, but like, correct me if I'm wrong, but anytime it feels like your dad

chooses her over you, you feel a certain way about it. For sure. Yeah. Okay. Anything else? My brothers have a relationship with him, but it's very like, they talk every other week. And again, it's, he's not super close with any of me or my siblings type of thing. But I guess fast forward, I ended up reaching out to him after I ignored him a couple of times. I know him a couple times about calling about the hearing I got engaged and immediately I can tell he's excited I called him back and but immediately it was like we didn't I expected I guess to talk about like what happened like let's talk about why we stopped talking and how I feel how he feels etc but immediately it was once the wedding I can't wait to come you know I congratulations and I was just really taken back by like the

assumption of him even going at the point in time and he is your dad Yeah. Well, so much has happened with the wedding planning when we weren't talking. He wasn't invited at the time. Like there were so many things that were already put into play. No, I hear you. But do we agree that it's not crazy despite how you processed your feelings and how you went about wedding planning? That it's probably not crazy that your dad assumed he would be invited. Despite the disconnect you guys experienced that your dad was just like, of course, my daughter. is going to invite me to her wedding. Yeah. No, I mean, no, it's not a crazy assumption. I think I was just not ready for to jump right into that conversation, I guess. But anyway, that happened.

And we hung up and I was just like, I don't know how I felt about that. So I fast forward like a week later, we had another conversation. I'd brought up how I wanted to talk and, you know, kind of go over what happened, why things happened. Like, it was hard for me to go from tears of no contact to immediately. when's the wedding, can't wait to go, blah, blah, blah. And he agreed we had a good conversation. And like ever since then, we talk, we're getting better, we're being better. I didn't really give him a definite answer of, yes, I would like you to go to my wedding.

Because does he know you're on the fence? So, well, Christmas came. I went home for Christmas Eve again. Went and saw the family. Did you bring the dogs? No, did not bring the dogs. But everyone was there and we were just kind of sitting. there talking and all of a sudden him and his wife come and sit down and they're talking wedding

planning with other family members that are there and it was like crazy timing immediately someone was like oh how many people are invited i'm like oh it's really small you know this and this and his wife off the bat goes i hope we're involved in that number and i was like gosh so i was just like yeah you know just trying to keep things chill and so fast forward i come home from christmas i call my dad and at that point i was like yes we'd like you to do our wedding but there's been a couple of things in play since we weren't talking at the time. One was there's just no room on property for him to stay. It's just like a big, I guess a big property with no housing and that we're just like, would it be space, I guess? And he's like, that's fine. We'll get a hotel close by,

blah, blah, blah. And the other one was at the time, I had asked my older brother to walk me down the aisle. So I told him that. And I thought he was going to be, which again, talking to you, I shouldn't be surprised by I was reaction, but I was. He was like, oh, you know, I think there's time to change your mind. You know, your brother could always just let me do it. Like, I don't think he would mind. I don't think he would care. I was like, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Cool. Like, you know, and I didn't give a definite answer or anything. I was just really shocked. So I called my older brother and explained just the situation and the conversation I had my dad. And he was so upset. Like I made a decision.

My older brother. He was really upset, which also surprised me. I think he just felt like my dad's not deserving of it. It's what you explained to me in that, you know, he's like for so long you've said, dad's not walking down the aisle. Dad's not walking on the aisle. Because I have said that because I've just been so like I felt like let down for so long. And it's like it was spiteful.

I feel like I've been like waiting like pull to that card. So he was upset. And basically I've just been waiting it out. Can I ask you? kind of a dark hypothetical. Yes. If you got a call today, your dad died in a car accident.

How do you think you're, how do you think you and your brother would process that? And I've thought about that. Like, I'm leading away, definitely leaning away. But I also like, I go back and forth, but that's my thought is I feel like

I would regret not having him walk me down the aisle versus the other way around. Letting him, like having him walk me down the aisle, I don't think I'd ever. regret that, regardless of how a relationship goes down the road. I would tend to agree.

You are going to invite people to your wedding that you lose touch with. There will be people, however small it is, that show up to your wedding, that, you know, you learn to dislike or distance yourself. I mean, it's inevitable. Yeah. So to your point, like, preserving the invitations for, you know, it's like this idea is just like, well, I don't want, you know, it's like I had so and so on my wedding. It's not going to ruin your wedding, you know, like, yeah, Chuck was there. I don't fuck with Chuck anymore. Not friends

with them. Like, it doesn't change your wedding. And to your point, if you lose touch with your dad or does, he does something truly unforgivable, I don't think that's going to change how you feel about your wedding and certainly, more importantly, your marriage. Now that I had an amazing wedding. I'm glad we had it. And I'm glad that she convinced me to have the wedding that we did, but doesn't really have any weight on our marriage, you know, or our relationship. But you're right. If you don't have your dad walk you down the aisle, there's a strong chance that you will regret it. Yeah. Because, first of all, no matter what, it'll always take your relationship with your dad. So whatever work you and your dad too on your relationship, and you don't have them do that, it will be something

that he will remember. Your brother getting so upset is interesting. It's not the response. It's not the responsibility of a brother. And I would think, I don't know, I'm sure I probably was honored that you asked. And if I'm your brother, he can still be honored that you, he was the person that you went to when you assumed your dad wouldn't, might not be at your wedding. But why would he want to come between that? Yeah. Well, I think if you also feel as a little, I don't say left out, I've probably left out because my younger brother is marrying me and my fiance. So I think he just wanted to have like a part.

have them have them read a passage or give a speech or you know like I didn't really have a best man I had four groomsmen like I picked people based off their talents yeah not their role so your dad could walk you down the aisle but like maybe you know and if your dad wants to say something you know I wouldn't stop them from saying something per se but like in your mind it might not be the like hey you can go to your brother and say you know I would love you to speak on the speech about like growing up with me you know, like almost like a father's speech, but from the perspective of a brother that you feel closer with and you feel really understands you and understands the relationship with your fiance better than your dad would. If your dad wants to get up and say something,

you can let them. But you know what I'm saying? There's a million ways you can make your brother feel included. Everything you're telling me, it just sounds like petty family drama. You have the right to have expectations of your dad and you can be disappointed

of his shortcomings, but you're choosing to have no relationship with this your father because a couple times you didn't feel like he prioritized you in a way that you wanted to be prioritized. I don't know. Like to me, the punishment doesn't really fit the crime. You're upset because he didn't want to prioritize you or show you attention. And your response to that is to completely cut him off. Again, listen, some parents are better than others. Literally. It just about being there, being attentive. I don't know. But then there's parents who were so in love with their kids, they spoiled the fuck out of them and didn't, you know,

I don't, didn't teach them any independence. There's no perfect thing. But I think you, I think you kind of answered your question where it's just like, there's just not a lot of ways you're going to regret. Yeah. I agree. It is all petty. Yeah. We rarely regret giving people grace or turning the other cheek or forgiving people, even if they disappointed us. I mean, it's one thing, if your dad hurt you in a way that, God forbid, but like disappointing you, and I think for the people who cut family members off because of disappointment, I mean, I think you could just, if you just change your ex, you know, for example, you talk about your brothers have these have a relationship with your dad that you don't. And partly because they probably just don't expect

the same from your dad as you have. And therefore, don't get disappointed. and don't get as upset. And they're just like, I don't know, that's just dad. I don't ever imagine dad's going to show up and do X, Y, or Z, because that's not who he is. And, you know, you kind of internalize that, like,

he would rather, you know, follow the, you know, a mask role than see his daughter. And then you make it into this whole, like, thing. No, and the expectation thing is so true. And that's kind of what I'm keeping in my brain constantly,

like, as we are communicating again and more and more. And like when I was talking, my brothers, you know, my dad was texting us in the group chat a lot, like when we started talking. And I'm like, this is normal for, for dad, like, to be texting all this time. And they're like, no, this is so new. This is so strange. I'm like, how often do you and dad, like, talk? They're like, oh, like every other week.

I'm like, God, that's just so crazy to me. Because, I mean, again, the expectation of like talking to your parent. I mean, it's different for everyone. I'm just used to talking to everyone in my family, minus obviously my dad of lately. every other day and I get things are going on but it's just having that expectation of he's going to call once a week he's going to check in he's going to see how we're doing

love you bye have a good week and that's what he's been doing and it's everyone's been cruising along and that might change you know do yeah yeah you've heard the phrase heard people hurt people it sounds like

your response to being frustrated at your dad is to punish him and the way you're your way of punishing him is to cut him off. And then that's why when, you know, listen, it is a little weird that you didn't talk to from a couple years. And he was like, acted like nothing happened. Don't get me wrong.

It is a little weird. But maybe he just didn't know what to say, you know. But your response of being like, well, why didn't you, like, and part of the reason why you felt that way, I imagine is because your motives for doing in the first place was to get a reaction from him, to punish him, to, hey, if you're going to treat me like this, I'm going to treat you like that. And then when he called you up and acted like, he was indifferent to the way you treated him.

It almost felt as if like back to like expectations. But this is all to say that like your dad, whatever shortcomings your dad has as a parent, I promise you, you know, he'll probably regret it on, you know, he won't need you to punish him. You know, there's a lot of parents out there who are fully aware of their shortcomings or how they,

for whatever reason, whether they needed to or felt like they needed to or they, you know, prioritize themselves over their kids, you know, I think sometimes, it's even fair, but I think usually, I think most parents would want to believe that they always chose their kids over themselves. And I think your dad will probably have an appropriate amount of regret for the lack of closeness he might have with you at the right, you know. Yeah, I just don't know if he knows. Maybe not. Or even like aware. All the more reason why punishing him is futile. It's like you don't even think your dad comprehends the disconnect.

Meanwhile, you're punishing yourself by going out of your way to avoid this man who, you know, it's just like, doesn't have the, he's not a super affectionate guy who, who, and again, like, we talk about generational trauma all the time, you know, like, you know, we're not too far removed from, from many kids growing up with families that never heard the word, I love you, from parents. Yeah, yeah. You know, whose parents weren't all that emotionally there and connected from it. Maybe your dad is, you know, in his mind, he's 10 times better than his parents ever worked to him. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know. And at this point, you would be making a spectacle at your wedding by not having your dad down the aisle. When your brother walks you down the aisle, you know what you're going to be thinking in that moment? Could I make the right decision? Why is it not dead?

You won't be thinking about I do. No. That's another thing. I think I'd be so worried. And like, I'd almost feel like a dickhead. Yeah. Walking down the aisle at that point. You know, all because you'd just.

shows to take a stand. Like, I don't know, like, for what? Yeah. This is definitely, do you want to be ready? Do you want to be happy situation, you know? For sure. And everything you're saying is, it's, you know, just let it go, you know. I think when it comes to your relationship with your dad, if you, if you tell yourself, he's probably doing the best that he can do, not as a way to make excuses for him. You can still communicate to your dad when you're disappointed. And I would temp your expectations of him making you feel like he cares. You can still tell him, right, but like cunning him off, you can be frustrated and not talk to him for a couple weeks. That's normal. Cool off. You know, but like going out of your way to just not being in his life is,

it sounds like you're just hurting yourself. No, you're right. And I slowly recognizing that, especially now and when I were talking more and just day by day, week by week with him and just, again, having the expectation of, you know, kind of surface level. Yeah, which is better than nothing. Yeah, that's true. And I guess, yeah, I was like cutting them off. I mean, it was stubborn and petty on my part. But then I'm also like, well, he didn't.

And this is just, I know you're going to gross man this. But in my mind, like, well, he didn't reach out to me either for two years. So. Yeah, I mean, listen, it doesn't sound like your dad is like the best dad ever. You know, like he's not. Yeah. He's not. and you have the right to be disappointed and frustrated.

But it's still your dad. And there are probably reasons. And, you know, like, I think it's just the thing. It's just like, we are who we are to a certain extent. And you recognize your own stubbornness and yourself and how you get that from your dad. You know, I'm sure at times he might feel rejected. It's like, his own kid refuses to talk to him. He's like, well, I'm not going to beg.

I'm hearing. Yeah, I think we're both just playing victim. Honestly, life gets a lot easier when you can, you, when you can own your own shit without other people owning theirs. Yeah. Well, congratulations on the engagement. Thanks. Listen, as far as your brother goes, I would say, I really, first of all, thank you for being

willing to do this. Second of all, honestly, I moved that you're frustrated. That being said, like, I just, I don't want to regret not having dad on there. I know he's not the best dad, and we've all known that, but it's just going to be in my head. I do want you to be a part of my wedding because I love you and I care about you. And I would really love for you to give like the speech of the wedding in lieu of dad. I mean, if dad wants to give a speech, I'm not going to stop him. But like I don't have any expectations of dad giving the type of speech I'm hoping is done at my wedding when

talking about myself and my journey to get here and my relationship with, you know, like I think that could be meaningful. But at the other day, it's your wedding and everyone needs to just get in line and understand that. Yeah, they're starting to learn that. Gosh. But yeah, I'm letting it kind of just give him some time. My brother's probably someone that wants to probably sit on it for a little bit. But soon, I do want to have that conversation about, I guess, the final decision. But. Yeah, I mean, I think it should be pretty easy, you know. He's also still mad about the Bears losing. I'm not. I know. He'll be all right. All right. Well, listen, thanks for the call. I understand family.

is frustrating, but... Yeah, yeah. Well, I appreciate it. I appreciate you. Taking your time. Good luck out there. Let us know what happens. Yeah, we'll do. Thank you. All right, take care. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye. What's up, everybody? We have a very exciting announcement for all the Ask Nick audience out there. We have new Instagram and TikTok specifically for Ask Nick.

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