The Viall Files - E108 Ask Nick- Cheater, Cheater

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

Today we talk to a woman who has stepped outside her marriage three times, someone trying to date with a degenerative disease, a woman dating a guy deployed in Afghanistan, and someone about to get married who can’t convince her husband to have kids.  Check out Courtney’s foundation for her condition here: https://www.hopeforataxia.org. Stay safe, and stay positive, everyone! (This was recorded in studio two weeks ago.) THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: AMERICAN HOME SHIELD: http://ahs.com/viall NOOM: http://noom.com/viall EMBARK: http://embarkvet.com CODE: VIALL SHIPSTATION: http://shipstation.com CODE: VIALL See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is going on everybody happy monday how you doing michelle how are you doing i don't know who knows what how i'll be doing when this airs but right now I'm good I hope at this point when we're talking I still have toilet paper or wipes moist toilets yeah thanks for tuning in guys hopefully if nothing else

this will be a fun little break away from the crazy world that we're living in these days. Great episode for you. As always, some great calls, some very vulnerable callers. And I know we learned a lot. And I hope that you will too. Any more updates on your blind date situations, Rochelle? Oh, no. I mean, it's the end of the world. I'm not going to updates uh on your blind date situations rochelle oh no i mean it's the end of the world i'm not gonna go out on a blind date don't want to infect anyone so i'm quarantined alone okay well you know congrats to all the people in relationships right now so you can

quarantine uh with at least a lover and for you single people out there, hey, you have us. Well, should we get to our callers? Yeah, let's do it. Great. Thanks for listening as always, guys. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknigacastme.com, cast with a K.

And without further ado, question time. how's it going good how are you good what's your name my name's kelsey hi kelsey how old are you hi i'm 29 great how can we help you kelsey okay, I kind of have a long story. So me and my current husband, we have been together since 2013. So we've been together about seven years. We've been married since 2017. So we've been married for almost three years. We have a house together. We have a dog together. We don't have any kids or anything like that. But things are pretty normal at the beginning of our marriage. You know, we've got a dog.

We have a house. And then after a little while, I actually suffered a miscarriage. And things kind of started going downhill after that. Okay. So, you know, after that, I started feeling more disconnected from him, kind of started realizing we had a lot of differences. He's very religious. He's very Catholic.

Not that that's bad, but I didn't grow up that way. um not that that's bad but i didn't grow up that way um he started getting mad about certain things that i enjoy that he doesn't necessarily agree with such as uh such as smoking weed he's not a fan of that um does he drink alcohol he does and he smokes cigarettes so figure that out fair enough um so and it's one of those things where you know i've done it for like 10 years and he knew that about me and he's never cared and then suddenly he just started caring and just got mad every time I did it, was kind of psycho about checking our finances about it, just kind of being really a lot about it. Like giving you grief about buying marijuana versus, well, so yeah, just giving you grief

about spending money on marijuana. Yes. Okay. And wouldn't hang out with me if he thought I had smoked, like just became like really controlling about the marijuana. Sure. So that was kind of a lot to handle. So what happened next is, just to kind of give you a timeline, this was kind of like last spring and early summer. I started having feelings for a co-worker.

While married? um i started um having feelings for a co-worker um and there wasn't any while married so yeah while while married and the story's gonna get worse so um so um yes while married i started having feelings for a co-worker um and it was nothing like it was just one sided. It was just me liking him. It wasn't it wasn't a relationship, anything like that. And he ended up finding out about this via text messages. My husband. Yep. One night I was like out at a concert and I was like just with some friends and he thought that I was acting different. I was acting distant. And the next day he had looked through my phone and found them. So, um, he was not happy, obviously, um, understandably. So, you know, we talked about that for a while. Um, I wanted, you know, to work on things. He was willing to move past things um i wanted to start going to

counseling together um that was not something that he was interested in um so go ahead so i was curious when you uh he caught you basically texting this guy and you said there wasn't a relationship and so what did he find just like basically uh text message to this guy you saying things to this other guy that would be hard for him to read kind of thing yeah just kind of like they weren't like like sexual or anything they were more just like yeah like i had feelings for you yeah i i know i know and trust me i have a lot of guilt going on i mean i'm just trying to get a clearer picture so you did admit the other guy you had feelings. It wasn't like you were just kind of flirting.

Yes. You're like, you shot your shot. Kind of. Yeah. And I was, yeah, it didn't go well. His mom is like, actually like the HR director at my school. So it didn't work out well, as you can imagine that. You told her no but it no but it could have gotten that he pointed it out yeah yeah yeah it was kind of like a little bit of a jab so um yeah yeah um so yeah so my husband found that um and then you know i he was upset so we tried to work on things. He was willing to, you know, kind of move past things. This was, you know, weeks worth of time where he's upset. And, you know, obviously, I understand why he's upset. And I just keep reminding him while the stuff is going on, that there's a lot of things that he does in our marriage that makes

me unhappy. Um, like I've found like over the years, I've just realized that like, we have completely different love languages. Um, like for example, I really value like acts of service and I really like value a partner that helps me out, whether it's making dinner stuff around the house. Um, and he is more traditional where when he gets home from work, he expects dinner to be on the table and it's a lot for him to like, help me clean up. And we just constantly had arguments about this stuff. Um, to the point where I felt like I was getting like just pushed away in our relationship. Um, and not to blame him on that, but there was things that he's done. He has quite a bit of anger. There's a lot of nights that he would yell at me.

Sure. So where are we now? So that was a long time ago. Since then, over the summer, there was another guy that was talking to me. That was a lot as well. Someone that was just kind of an acquaintance. And he was hitting on me. He was sending me like sexual text messages. And again, James found out out but they were on vacation you were on vacation together right um this was yeah yes we were on vacation together we recently

this was actually another person over the summer um so there's actually three different times that okay three different guys the other guys have been in my life while I've been married so what is your question my question sorry I know it's a lot your husband wants things to work my husband

when I wrote you the email my husband wanted things to work we went on vacation together probably about three weeks ago we went on vacation together. Um, probably about three weeks ago, we went to Florida. It was kind of like a last minute. Let's see if we can make this work. Let's try to reconnect. Like we drove down there. So he really wanted to make it work. Um, while I was on vacation, I was also talking to this other person and it's just gotten completely out of control.

And I'm at the point where I'm living somewhere different and not with your husband. Right. Correct. with your husband right correct um and at the time my question was like i know this is a lot and like obviously it's not good i've stepped out of my marriage a few times that's not that's not have you physically cheated yes okay Does he know? He knows some of it. Okay.

Ship station. Hard to say. Super easy to use. Listen, I know we've talked about ship station before. I literally would not be able to run my business Natural Habits without it. If you work from home, and you might be working from home more often than usual these days, and you do any type of ship station, any type of shipping, I highly recommend ShipStation. They make shipping easier, whether you're shipping FedEx, UPS, USPS. They give you, they help you be more efficient, give you a lot of information and metrics and reports on your

shipping, help you track your shipments easier, with customer service i can't say so you use it with natural habits use it with natural habits they have a very user-friendly app you get notifications on when shipping is going out when they're being fulfilled yeah you never seem stressed about shipping or worried about it seems very very easy to use it's Again, I can't, in a lot of ways, I literally run my entire logistics through ShipStation of natural habits. So it's a big deal. It's been very helpful to us and natural habits. And, you know, whether you have a small business like natural habits, or even just, you know, you're doing some on a smaller scale shipping out of your home.

You know, maybe you're maybe you're making your knitting quilts and you ship them. ShipStation is very helpful and very easy to use. So can't recommend it enough. Right now, the Vilefile listeners can try ShipStation for free for 60 days when you use offer code V-I-A-L-L. There's absolutely no risk. You don't have to put a credit card down. So truly free.

Just visit ShipStation.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in V-I-A-L-L. That's ShipStation.com. Then enter offer code V-I-A-L-L. ShipStation.com. Make ship happen. Small steps make big progress, people.

Or shavings make a pile listen you can't uh you can't be too informed about healthy eating habits and your diet um and you don't have to i even hate to use the word diet right it's just healthy eating habits it's uh doing the little things um cutting out certain things on a regular basis. You don't have to be drastic all the time. If you just do a little bit and you're mindful and you're eating right, it can go a long way to having healthier lifestyles and much better health. So I use Noom and my goal was I wanted to just feel more confident. You know, I struggle with that.

You tell them what your goal is. You download it to your phone. I talk to someone. They give me articles that are specific to that. And you learn lessons along the way. So it's not just about food. It's a lot about behavior and your cognitive choices. Yeah, relationships with food.

Yeah. Well, you don't have to change it all in one day. Small steps make big progress. Sign up for your trial today at noom.com slash V-I-A-L-L. What do you have to lose? Visit noom.com slash V-I-A-L-L to start your trial today. That's noom.com slash V-I-A-L-L. What's your question in terms of like, what are you trying to figure out?

in terms of like, what are you trying to figure out? Like, am I like, do I give my marriage like one more last fighting chance? Or do I, do I check out? Do I get moved forward and getting a separation right now? We don't live together. Um, I, I'm living in a different place for three months. Um, we've been sharing the dog back and forth. We're not talking. I haven't seen him in four or five days. Um, he's gotten very angry, um, which I understand. Um, he's, you know, I was moving out of my house and, um, a family member is here and he, he went up to them and he, he literally kicked them out of my house and my family member is here and he went up to them and he literally kicked them out of my house. He's been screaming. So it's just been a very toxic environment that I've been living in.

So I'm just trying to figure out, honestly, just how to navigate my life right now. And what I could do with my relationship my relationship and if it's just completely doomed or if there's anything i could hold on to and if i want i don't even know if i want to hold on to anything yeah so um there's a lot going on here as you're you're pointing out so much yeah uh there's a couple things when you're talking and telling the story that, you know, I think about it's, listen, it's what you're going through is hard. Like cheating is not okay. I think you know that, obviously. I think when people do cheat, it's very easy for them to justify their actions by saying, well, I'm not happy and I've tried. And those all might be true.

And this seems like a very great example that obviously it takes two in relationships and in a relationship that's this deep and there's a marriage, it seems it's toxic on both sides. You're both being toxic to each other. You're just, what you're not doing is you're both being toxic to each other. You're just, what you're not doing is you're kind of half-assing it all the way through. You know,

you have to A, figure out first what you want. Your husband has to figure out what he wants. And then you both have to hold yourself accountable to that. If you're only both willing to meet halfway, it's not going to work, right? If you guys at this moment say, it's as simple as, quite honestly, as messy as it is, it's as simple as sitting down and saying, this is what I've done. This is what you've done. Do we want to fight for this relationship? And if the answer to that is both yes, then the next question is, are we both willing to do whatever it takes to make that work? And then that question, if it, you know, that's the harder question. Because right now, what you're telling me, the answer to that question is no. Like your husband's not willing

to get therapy. Every time that you get frustrated, you're stepping out, you're looking for connections, and you're looking for your love languages to be filled by other people. And I get the human element of it. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where there was an expectation I had to make them food every day or make them dinner uh i wouldn't want to be in a relationship where i felt a lot of hypocrisy about someone wanting to had no problem with them drinking and smoking cigarettes but somehow made you feel judged for spending money on marijuana and like we can sit here and debate like they're all they're all uh outlets uh they all have uh physical uh harmful physical effects on us we can debate what what what is and what's

not and obviously in some states marijuana is still not legal but like let's be honest like whatever um i would be frustrated with that but at the same time that doesn't excuse you from doing what you're doing right you either are in the relationship or you're not right so now that you're doing these things, like you are, you know, he has his frustrations as well, I'm sure, right? So you guys just need to decide whether you're willing to do this, right? Saying you want to be in a relationship and saying you want to fight for it, like Rochelle pointing out that he still wants to make it work. Well, does he though? I don't know, because it sounds like he, the way you're describing it, and I know he's not here to tell his side of the story, that he only wants to maybe make it work on his terms. And no relationship is going to work,

especially a marriage, if two people are saying, well, I want to work, but I want to work exactly how I want it to work. That's not realistic. That's not a marriage. I don't even know what that is. And a lot of people get in those situations, but always one person is miserable. You know, the only marriages that really going to stand the test of time is that it includes things like compromise and communication and sacrifice. They willing, you know, and it's funny when you talked about the marijuana thing. I mean, how old's your husband? He's two years older than me, so he's 31.

Yeah. So he's, I mean, I remember when I was younger, again, I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. I'm very anti-cigarette. And my first girlfriend, you know, once in a while when we'd go out and drink and party, she'd have a couple of cigarettes as some people do. And I would just throw a fit about it. You know, I would, I don't want to date a smoker that was true but like at the same time i just probably made it worse than it needed to be and i was probably controlling in that in that moment um your husband for whatever reason has decided to make this a thing the fact that he was okay with it before and not now, he's probably just a thing he's latching on to. He's probably just picking a fight, to be honest.

I think it's just part of the control, too. He wants the control to tell me that I can't do that. Maybe so. But it sounds like what is pretty clear is if he's not willing to go and get professional help and see a marriage counselor with you, I quite honestly, I don't see what, how you guys are going to resolve this. Because if you don't, if you don't change course drastically, it's just going to be a revolving, you know, like it's just going to be a revolving door, same thing over and over. You'll get along for a moment, take a vacation. Those are all band-aids, right?

You need to fix the actual problem. Right. And I should mention over the, like a couple months ago, he actually did attend therapy with me twice. But the reason he went to therapy with me is because I called a lawyer. So after I called a lawyer, he then decided to go to counseling with me. And then all of a sudden he started going to my church, which he, I have recently found a new church and he doesn't, for the past year, he started going to my church, which I have recently found a new church, and for the past year, he's refused to go. And I told him, if we're going to have children

together, I want my children to be also in this church. And that's something that he did not agree with. And so then all of a sudden, after I called a lawyer to get a separation, he's all of a sudden going to church with me, going to counseling with me, doesn't care at all if I smoke weed, encourages it even. But both of you, it sounds like you're doing the same thing, right? Yeah. know if like you're doing the same thing right like yeah um like a marriage and having kids isn't both of you or one of you at different moments saying well this is what i want like what you you and your husband are doing is just constantly having these power struggles at certain moments you have the power like you call his bluff you call the lawyer and so all of a sudden you have this power other moments he's had the power for whatever reason and you

guys seem to be both willing to like use the power that you have in those moments. Like that's not a relationship. That's just like a toxic battle, right? Like, I don't know how you guys figure it out, but like whether, you know, you're going to a Catholic mass or some other type, you know, other church, like there needs to be some compromise, some understanding, not threats, not demands, not, not, uh, because like, that's not a marriage and I don't see how that's really going to work out. Um, if he's only going because he saw a lawyer, like, eh, you know, like that's just all, that's all temporary. What did your therapist say about your cheating? Um, you know, that it's not good and you know when i talk to you know friends and family about it um they you know say you know kelsey this this isn't you um you know why are you doing this

um you know i grew up in a family of divorce and my dad cheated on my mom and that's not something that like i you know that really affected my life and like here I'm doing the same thing, and it's just not me. So I'm trying to figure out why is this happening and why am I making these decisions that it's just not me. I'm not the type of person that treats someone like that. And like I said, I'm not trying to make excuses. But as far as your relationship, what I am confident in saying is that you do need to like kind of start being more mature

and hold yourself more accountable. Like we can figure out all the reasons why you might do something. Maybe your dad did this or your husband does that, but you are an adult and you seem like a smart person who has a good moral compass. And like many of us, we have moments of weakness, but you can stop that. You know, like I think you seem like someone who's self-aware, you're calling us, you can control these urges. What you're not doing is,

what you are doing is you're trying to, you're half-assing both things. You need to get out of this relationship or make it work. And if you're not happy, then get out, right? And if your husband's not willing to, if neither of you are willing to like, sit down and talk through things and not constantly make idle threats or demands, you know, like you need to start compromising and have communication. It seems like that's

what you and your husband aren't doing, right? At one point, he's like, he's giving you a hard time about the smoking and throwing things in your face. Other times you're threatening going to a lawyer and saying, I want our kids to go to this church and I don't care what you think and blah, blah, blah. And you need to meet my demands. That's not a marriage. Right. And then in the moments, like when you feel loneliness and sadness and you make some sort of like human connection with another guy, you indulge that, which a lot of people do. And you need to stop doing that. Right. Like you're an adult, you can do that. And what you can't do is, you know, pick one,

pick your husband or these other guys. And I get like, I get arguments for both, but it sounds like there's a lot of work to be done in your marriage and it's only gonna work if you're both willing to do this. And then not because you're threatening divorce. Like you have to sit down and saying, do you really want this to work? You might be happier without each other in our lives.

But if we do, we both want to want to do this. We both have to compromise our decisions. I just feel like if we do move on and try to be together, I just don't know what is what everything that's happened. Like, um, like, you know, obviously like his family knows what's going on and they,

I've gotten like really awful text messages from them. And I've, that's, that's, that'll be part of the healing process. That may be something you would have to go to counseling for. At the end of the day, what does your husband,

is your husband willing to forgive you? You know, the family is tough, sure. But at this point, it's more about that. I mean, it sounds like it might be too messy to survive. I don't know. But, you know, I can't tell you what to do. It just seems like you and your husband have a lot of work to do. And you really have to change the dynamic of how you guys communicate.

So you went twice and you're not going anymore? We went twice. I went to a counselor and she was also a marriage counselor, so he came with me to a few of my sessions. Okay. And then that's when things... We went twice and it was okay um but all he talked about at those sessions was how much he hated marijuana so it wasn't really productive um well and i mean i get i'm not an expert but therapy might take many sessions and this might

be something he's getting off his chest you know what i'm saying like right right you know um i get that why that might be annoying but i'm just saying like he's got to be able to you know speak his piece and then and then you guys get it all on the table then you start working through it but at the end of the day if neither of you are wanting to make it work because i've been a couple therapy and sometimes you go there and you're both like you're both just trying to make your point you're both trying to get the therapist to agree with you you know like right I'm the right one right I'm right

you know I've been that I've done that and not productive so you do have to know when to call it quits maybe you know I just feel like I might be there already and I don't know if I want to accept that or I, you know what I mean? I just,

well, I'm not going to give, I'm not going to tell you what to do. You have to decide for yourself. I know. I know. What I do think is you need to hold yourself to a higher standard. I think you need to be tougher on yourself. And I think you can do that. I think you're trying to have your cake and eat it too. You're trying to be married, but fill your emotional needs outside of potentially your husband. You got to stop doing that. And divorce is messy and it's hard. It's scary, but people do do it and sometimes

are better for it. But right now you guys are both making each other miserable. So either decide to make it work or decide to leave, but stop making threats and stop like, you know, trying to like inflict power, both of you, you know? And so that's, that's not a marriage. Okay. Okay. Thank you. All right. Well, best of luck. keep us posted and um i think you're gonna be okay thank you so much all right take care kelsey yeah thank you bye-bye bye heavy stuff

yeah oh yeah it might be a challenge for him to come back from that but you know i just think you get in these these situations where again like you people just want to be right and they want to make their point and it is interesting that people hold on so long where everyone else is probably like tell death do you part you know um he's a you know catholic yeah it's catholic the catholic part i mean you know no one wants to get divorced yeah you know you you know that's the idea of marriage of of yeah going through hard times and and um not that anyone has the right to be cheated on and and told they have to get over it right because they got married right that makes. But these are two people who are like wanting to get, stay married because they got married, but not willing to do their part to, to make that marriage work.

Yeah. And, you know, you got to meet in the middle. Yeah. And bark. Fascinating, fun. Learn about your furry friends, your dog DNA test kits. your furry friends, your dog DNA test kits. If you have a furry friend, if you have a dog, the better information you have about them, the more you can do to make sure that they're healthy as well. If you've rescued a dog, there's probably not a lot of information you have out there about

them. What a great way to do that, learn how old they are. You don't have to start guessing what breed they are. You can find out to start guessing what breed they are. You can find out exactly what they are, whether they're purebred, if they're a mixed, the health implications that go along with that. Great conversations, start around a date. People always have fun learning about their dogs and talking about their dogs. Our producer, Dustin, did it with his furry friend and found out that he was pretty old. Bubby. And also 100% beagle.

Beagle, yeah. He didn't know that. And he keeps getting updates every day about new relatives. Yeah. Find out who your dog's relatives are. Always great to do that. So what's cool is competitors of Embark can get down to only 12% of a breed mix detection

and Embark is accurate down to 5%. So if you're going to go with dog DNA tests, you definitely want to use Embark. Right now, Embark has exclusive offers you can't get anywhere else. Go to EmbarkVet.com now, and use promo code VIALL to save 15% off your dog DNA test kit. Visit EmbarkVet.com and use promo code V-I-A-L-L to save. American Home Shields. I'll tell you what, great to own a home. I'm looking to buy a home right now. I have a lot of friends who are homeowners.

But when you have a home, it can get very expensive, especially when major appliances break down. I mean, how can people deal with it on their budget? Your air conditioning, plumbing, electrical, and their unexpected costs that when they do break down, they can get pretty pricey. Yes. And we have often, we have insurance and homeowner's insurance, but sometimes that insurance doesn't cover all those things.

Sometimes it's always surprising when we learn what insurance doesn't cover. It's always when you, oh, it's not the thing you want. It'll be covered, and you're just like, nope, that's not covered. Yeah. Well, American Home Shield

is there for just that. And it's America's most preferred home warranty, more than 1.8 million customers. So you can feel really good going with them. To get American Home Shield, go to ahs.com slash vial today to save $50 and start protecting your home and budget from inevitable breakdowns. ahs.com slash vial. That's ahs.com slash vial for $50 off any plan. American Home Shield, be sure with the shield. Limitations and

exclusions apply. blend for details how's it going that's good how are you good what's your name uh my name is courtney i'm 29 from toronto hi courtney 29 from toronto how can we help um so i um have a couple things I want to ask. So one of them is that whenever I go on dates, I always find the second or third date I have certain expectations. So they're sort of always in the back of my mind. And one of the episodes that really resonated with me was the episode with Nate, where he has sort of a similar situation where he has expectations. So then I thought about myself and my own situation, and I sort of have the same sort

of thing as well. You know, and so I want to be able to go into a date and not have, just have a free mind and not have any of those standards, you know, that sort of, that I'm projecting. Yes. Why don't we talk about your second question too? Yeah, what's your second question? Okay, sure. So I also have a really rare neurological disorder.

So it's called autosomal recessive cerebellar ataxia type 1. That's a mouthful. It's super rare. Yeah. Super rare and it's also progressive. So the way I look now is not going to be the way I look in, you know, 5,

10 years down the line. So I've had romantic relationships in the past and I've disclosed to them but it's always going to be a situation where I'll say it's going to get worse. And they'll say, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

But they don't really understand the gravity of what that means. So, you know, some people might end up having to use mobility aids, you know, like, or they're confined to a wheelchair. Like for me, it already affects my speech um so you know it's it's sort of hard navigating the dating world i mean for anyone who's able-bodied and doesn't have anything it's it's hard enough um and for me it's like i'm looking for you for much more stable long-term qualities, like someone who's compassionate, understanding, and patient, and those things. And it's like I'm trying not to put that expectation through,

but I'm just trying to figure out the best way to sort of navigate the space. So when you are dating dating these men you say expectations and they uh seem empathetic and understanding to your you know the situation that you have uh do you find out that they don't mean what they say but or you don't believe what they're saying i don't believe what they're saying it's kind of like a situation like oh yeah okay buddy like i i hear you but yeah well listen i i i i you know i i can't obviously relate to what you might be going through or what this might could you know this situation could do to your uh your your mental health and things like that. Obviously,

I've gotten to learn a little bit through Rochelle about the cystic fibrosis community. And so not only is that a debilitating disease that affects your life, but a lot of people who have it have a lot of anxiety and trouble with depression and fear about the future and things like that, right? So I can only try to understand. But I think at some point, you're gonna have to choose to trust. You're gonna have to open yourself up. I get why you might wanna protect yourself

for fear that you're gonna get emotionally attached to someone and then they're really gonna do the research and really kind of find out and then and then and then leave um yeah she said she's has a fear of rejection yeah i mean that that makes sense right like it that totally makes sense but um you just got to have to decide whether do you want to you know you deserve to have emotional connections and even people who aren't in your situation deal with heartbreak and deal with loss. And so you're choosing not even to even try out of fear, which I totally understand, but you never know, right? And I think you deserve to give these people a chance to get to know you

because there are people out there who might be able to deal with it, but give them a shot, right? And it doesn't mean you have to fall in love with them immediately. It doesn't mean you have to open up your heart, but take it slow, but let them get to know you and give it a shot. You know, don't immediately push them away because you're afraid of what they might find out. Right. Yeah. And I feel like I self-sabotage a lot of times. It's like I run away and I'd rather protect myself and not have someone say they don't, you know, they can't accept that or, you know, that they want to get to know me more.

And I think the problem with me is that I feel like I've gone on so many dates that I want to figure out within, like, I don't want to waste time and i know but like not not not in not in the way of like there's a clock ticking but more like i don't really i sort of want to know like what you're here for yeah but regardless of your um you know the the mental challenges that you have that is a that everyone deals with that like you don't know dating is confusing and hard and you can't, you can't guess everyone's intentions. And again, like even people who don't have this health concern or deal that the, the, the, the situation that you're dealing with, they have the same fears. You are putting extra pressure on yourself because you have this timetable, this ticking clock, so to speak. Right. right and so it's like because you don't want to waste time you feel like your time to find a partner is limited um you're you're ending up

kind of being counterproductive by pushing everyone away i mean what the question is is like what is what could someone possibly do to make you believe them that they you know what i'm saying like it's you're just going to have to trust someone. But I think you're just, you're telling yourself, no one's going to understand this. I mean, and much differently, we all have our insecurities about ourselves and we're all our own toughest critics about why people might judge us for things.

You know, some people, you know, a lot of single moms feel insecure about having children. People who are even divorced will feel judged about that. People who get older will feel judged about their age. You know, certainly this is more extreme, but similar things. At some point, you just have to go out there and do it. And there's no guarantees. Again, you might get your heart broken, but at least you're feeling point, you just have to go out there and do it. And there's no guarantees. Again, you might get your heart broken, but at least you're feeling something. Heartbreak is a shitty thing, but it's a great life experience. I truly believe that.

I look back on some of my biggest heartbreaks, and I'm thankful I've had them. I felt a lot, some of my biggest heartbreaks and I'm thankful I've had them. Those were, I felt a lot, you know, and those were great moments, uh, like hindsight being 2020. But, uh, I think you just gotta try, you know, let a guy prove you wrong, you know, at this point, um, at the risk of maybe being sad about a guy you started to really like. But, um, there, there are people out there willing to do that. Just out of curiosity, in terms of like, are there ways for you to, I'm sure you've, you've done it to try to prolong the, the, the, the progress of this disease to, or is it just kind of inevitable or, you know, what, what's going on with that? what's going on with yeah yeah that's a great question so um yeah there's really no cure um so personally i've had i've seen like a natural practitioner um because i have to look at

alternative methods um they're you know to maybe prolong the progression um but it's going to happen whether or not i like it or not. It's there and it's genetic for me. So I've had it my whole life. Sure. But I started getting symptoms when I was about 19 and I got diagnosed at 25. Okay. And then, so like you, so just, you know, what does that, what does that look like?

So you might be in a wheelchair. It'll affect your speech. Yeah. Does it ever stop getting worse? Like people who have this disease, what does life look like for you in 20 years? So it's hard to say because it's so rare. There's not many people with my exact diagnosis around the world. I do think that I have the least aggressive type of ataxia. So I do think that I'll still be able to walk in 20 years.

But there are more aggressive forms of it where people are, you know, confined to a wheelchair and it deteriorates. So, you know, their muscles atrophy some more. and it deteriorates. So, you know, their muscles atrophy some more. My speech is probably going to be more noticeable in terms of my slurring, you know, in the next five years or so. I mean, I slur, you know, I don't have, you know what I'm saying? Like, I just, don't beat yourself up.

Like, stop thinking of all the reasons why someone might not want to deal with your condition. And I'm sure I'm certain you do that. I we all do it and we don't even have what you're dealing with. Right. So I can only guess how hard it might be to do. But I think if you are willing to give a guy a shot, you might you might be surprised. I think if you are willing to give a guy a shot, you might be surprised.

Someone who does fall in love with you for who you are, people who are hearing impaired and deaf, you know, different, but like just because you might lose your ability to speak. You know, people love other people for all different sorts of reasons, right? So just stop pushing them away. Like there's just no point in like telling someone how they're going to be that's not fair to you that's not fair to them like how do you know um you just never know um right you know and don't be afraid to get your heart broken um that might happen i'm not promising that it won't you know uh because the truth is for a

lot of the reasons you are insecure you're probably you're justified you're not crazy you know what i'm saying like it's not like there's reasons i know i get insecure about why someone might not date date me and sometimes i know i'm proven right you know and that's like that sucks no but that doesn't there's a lot other people out there too you know one or two people who who justify your insecurities is not everybody you know right so just try to be a little try to be a little easier do you have anyone like a support system of other people who are going through the same thing so um i actually created a foundation with my friend and it's yeah it's really a coincidence i i think of it as a silver lining you know i have a one in like billion chance of getting

this genetic condition yeah and the one person that also has it lived half an hour from me no way yeah so you know we, we created, we're creating a nonprofit. Good for you. Like a Facebook group and we're fundraising. So. Yeah, that's great.

Yeah. I mean, that's amazing. That's awesome to do that. You might meet someone in that community, you know, someone who either maybe not has it because it's so rare, but someone who,

you know, you never know. Again, like, you know, Ro never know. Again, like, you know, Rochelle's sister has cystic fibrosis and like when people involve that community become more aware of what people's lives are like. And so, you know, you might find someone who isn't afraid of something like this, right? Who doesn't back away because maybe they've been touched by a family member or a friend who had to deal with this. And you know what I'm saying? Like you just never know, but put your, keep putting yourself out there, be involved. And just when you like someone and they,

they express to you, uh, an, an understanding and a willingness to get to know you don't, don't tell them that, that, you know, what they're, you know, how they're feeling, that you know how they're feeling. Stop telling people they won't understand. You don't know that. That's not fair to them. You can't read their mind. You don't know their past or their history.

You can't predict the future. And there are no guarantees, but you got to stop doing that the best you can. Okay. All right? Great. Thank you so much thanks for calling you know it was our pleasure it's nice to get to know you and best of luck of everything and you know good luck with your foundation thank you so much thank you nice to meet you okay bye oh sweet sweet sweet lady so sweet yeah i you know it's tough with these things that it's just like you feel lucky to not have to but love like isn't love is not logical like people don't

factor that stuff in a lot of times so many people i know with cf are married and and they have families and it's it's funny because again um you know we all do what she's doing on just to violate I think that's really smart of you to say um and even for me I'll like I'm I'm kind of a negative Nancy and so I'll you know I like to think of the negatives sometimes and I I know you can relate sometimes yeah but like there are probably people who would who judge me who might not like certain things about me right and i'll spend more time focusing on that right i'm thinking like there's a plenty of women who've wanted to date me i just didn't want to do totally and that's fine yeah but it's not about me being

unlovable yes or that no one will understand. Yes. And again, this is a far more extreme situation. But like, to your point, like, there's plenty of people out there who might feel connected to her. Oh, yeah. And love her. Yeah.

And, and. Are you kidding? Of course. You know, I'd rather have a girlfriend who slurs because of her medical condition than who's someone who's like drinking all the time and I can't control, you know what I'm saying? Like, but yeah, it's,

it's tough, but I get why, I mean, protecting yourself. Yeah. I would, I get that. I mean,

I can't possibly begin to understand, but I get it knowing that I do it and I, and I don't have to deal with something this, this drastic. All right. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Katie. Hi, Katie. How old are you? I'm 22. How can we help you, Katie? 22. So I kind of, I mean, as everyone's done kind of summarize this in my email but um just short little background info um so my boyfriend's 24 he's in the army okay and he's currently deployed

right now in afghanistan so it's his first appointment we're kind of like figuring things things out as we go and um yeah so it's it's been going smoother than I thought it was going to because the distance is obviously so much. The time difference is like eight and a half hours. So we're able to FaceTime like at night and in the morning. And then, yeah, we just have like the rest of the day to ourselves completely. So we've just been like trying to stay as busy as possible just to make the time go by faster. But obviously in a situation like this, like you need to have super forward thinking just like we talk about every day what it's going to be like when he gets home. So I guess my

question is more not like about the distance, but just more on the flip side of things. We've gotten so used to our routine already of just like doing our individual day-to-day things, like investing in our own passions, just trying to like maximize on this whole experience. So I'm sure there are like a lot of long distance couples on the other side of things that kind of struggle once they are back together, like readjusting to that routine, even though like right now it seems so exciting, it is going to be a big adjustment. So yeah. So my question is just like, if you have any advice on kind of how to balance that. So just to be clear, you're, you seem like things are fine now. It's not like you're calling and saying I'm in a long

distance relationship and it's hard and we're struggling you're more thinking about the future when he's back right yeah interesting how long you guys been together um we've been together for about four months so not too long how long um and we're not very how long were you dating before you left um two months okay and we knew each other but we knew each other beforehand so it wasn't i didn't feel like we were like completely starting from scratch yeah okay um and you said in your email it seems exciting it seems like the most exciting thing is that you mean when he comes back seems like it'll be exciting right right yep i mean it's a very yeah self-aware thing for you to think about right now um yeah uh you know uh at 22 um that's a pretty mature like question to have to even even admit to yourself that this kind of thing you're dealing with your boyfriend is

almost exciting in this kind of story book he's uh he's off just he's off serving our country and we talk every day and you have the benefit of missing him as it sounds like you kind of are aware of of this excitement of longing for each other and there's definitely you're both you're going about your lives and and uh dealing with the bullshit of life and what you guys seem to be with each other which is great in a relationship is to be able to be that one kind of calming presence you guys have where you download each other and in terms of your day and if something's going on with him and and it seems like right now you you haven't had to worry about any stresses that come with a long distance relationship. You've kind of really accepted the reality of your current situation.

Right. My advice to you would be is maybe not try to talk so much about the future. Yeah. Because you don't know the future and you run the risk of just kind of living a little bit of a fantasy world. Yeah. And at the same time, creating a lot of expectation for the future of a relationship. I mean, the truth is you guys don't know a ton about each other. You have this unique relationship, but because you can't hang out physically and you don't have the ability to be with each other and like not talk and go to

movies and like just have sex and sometimes you don't get to know each other someone that way and in some aspects you're really getting to know each other because you're forced to communicate and that is nice but there is something you said about being around someone getting to know their habits and their bad habits and their kind of the things that annoy you about them. So the reality is if you guys stay together while he's gone and you are together, because you don't know that either, right? You don't know that. Right, right, yeah. I'm not saying you should be doomsday and plan on making it work,

but just not to be cliche, take one day at a time. You don't know what's going to happen in 10 minutes. Once you get there, yes. Is it smart to realize that there's going to be an adjustment? Is it smart to not assume that everything is going to be magical just because now he's there? There will be a natural adjustment. Certainly, you know, I don't know what it's like for someone to go and be deployed and who knows what experience he's going to have there that might be another thing you have to deal with so enjoy the moment you know uh try to just be happy with what you have uh this guy that you are connecting with and you enjoy talking to him

and someone that you lean on when you're struggling about your day-to-day and and i'm assuming same for him yeah and and let the future happen when the future happens. But you're spending a lot of time worrying and stressing and even the good and the bad, right? Like, I don't think it does much good to fantasize in a positive way about the future. You know, it's something we do when we're younger. Oh, we should get married. How many kids do you want?

And that's fun. I'm not saying never talk about it, but like know when you are talking it would be a red flag to me if you a lot of your conversations about fantasizing about the future right okay i get it to a certain extent but like um you know that all that really is is like i said fantasizing that's not real it's right exactly yeah i had like a lot of friends even in college who I feel like were together beforehand, either like met in high school or just prior and then did long distance for college and then had like a tougher time afterward once they were back in the same area, which you would think that it wouldn't really be like that just because they are back together. But yeah.

Yes and no. I mean, again, you guys have a unique relationship and that relationship has a lot of advantages, especially if you're comfortable. It's interesting, the fact that you guys aren't experiencing some of the typical struggles that come with long distance relationships. Right. He's not going to be with anyone else. It's nice, but that is unique right that means that like what you're it means that you guys are

feeling this void or not even a void but that would be kind of in a weird way a red flag because yeah yeah you're gonna you know you're not desiring this and so the physical touch or the ability to have someone, you're getting that with someone else, right? He's got his buddies that he's off to. You got your friends and your lives, and you're going to be combining two different lives. It's not as if he's going to be,

assuming he's living in the same town, that you're going to FaceTime and talk on the phone. You're going to be like, well, we should hang in the same town that you're going to facetime and talk on the phone you're like well we should hang out i guess you know yeah and what does that mean that means that you're going to you're going to see your the people the friends and the people you're interacting on a day-to-day basis now you're going to not be hanging out with them right and that's change and change is tough um yeah so i don't know the future but so i think you should stop i think you should stop guessing with him about it all the time you're just going to have to be aware of it and the fact that you are aware that it will be an adjustment i think is half the battle i think

a lot of people a lot of people will it might be great you know don't stress out something that might not be great just because your friends had a different experience doesn't mean you will it's good to just be mindful that there will be adjustment and that's all you can do is be aware of it so that way if if it he does come back and it doesn't feel as blissful as you hoped it would be then you don't freak out you know you guys just both say hey listen we kind of expected this let's see if we can get through it or maybe we realize that's we're not compatible that way exactly yeah no that's a good point yeah so is i guess like my last question would just be then like leading up to that would you so we still have kind of a ways to go through the deployment and like you were saying

like you don't really know the future just kind of taking things day by day um would you have you seen with like other long distance or have like any advice right before he comes home like obviously like you said being mindful is like half the battle and you're just gonna have to like see how things go i don't i don't think there's some magic thing too i mean yeah you know hopefully he's safe and hopefully he doesn't have to witness or participate in anything traumatic. But war is war and you never know. That will be something you'll want to be mindful of and making sure he's getting the proper mental health help that he needs.

Yeah, absolutely. But yeah, just see what happens. It's a relationship did you when he um left like were you like darn it this is the worst timing i can't believe we found each other now or do you think it had something to do with you guys getting together him about to leave yeah so when we did get together i knew right from the beginning that he was gonna leave he was super upfront about it and was like look i just want to give you an out right from the beginning and in my mind like we clicked so well from the beginning that i was like let me just

see where it goes and if we're there when he leaves we're there and if we're not we're not just like see what happens yeah and yeah and we were there and like so far through the whole thing obviously it has been really hard like not having him here but at the same time like I this podcast has actually been like so helpful because I'll call him every week and like talk to him about random stuff that I've heard on it so I think we just kind of so I think we just kind of realized that like the distance is like we're not changing it. It's just a fact. Yeah.

And I feel like we've been dealing with it pretty well. So, yeah. You're either compatible or you're not. And you're only going to and half of your compatibility, you're able to kind of figure out now your ability to talk. But the other kind of part of that being in, you know, hanging out actually is something you guys are just as simple gonna have to wait to find out yeah right people date for three or four years and break up people get married for 20 years and get divorced you know so like things can change so you're trying to you know you strike me as someone who maybe like you're a planner you like to get ahead

of it these are all great things but there's only so much you can do in a relationship you know so uh take and enjoy the stuff you like about this situation and the fact you have this support system try to get through the things that you don't like and then when things change just be aware that things are going to change and change is sometimes hard yeah he's lucky to have you though don't you think to help him yeah probably lucky to have each other that's a relationship the idea of a relationship is you guys feel like when you do talk there's just kind of like you know what oh oh good i'm glad i thanks you're like the calming presence in my day unique

experience yeah it's um i feel like it's challenged us and like even with the distance it's helped us grow so just don't get the end of the day like yeah we're just gonna have to say just don't get sucked into the kind of story and the romance of it all it sounds like you're a pretty objective person and yeah i think you'll take it one day at a time and i guess you'll see how it goes but there's no magic pill i don't think there's no magic playbook you know right um just keep communicating and i think you'll be you'll you'll put yourself in the best position to succeed yeah awesome all right that was super helpful yeah all right thanks for calling in yeah of course all right thank you well level-headed long distance relationship young

a level-headed young person too yeah young love too you know what are you gonna do um it i the one thing i didn't get to ask her it seemed like she's had other friends have had this happen like yeah you know there might be this kind of community but they're kind of used to like well she said they went away for college okay college so it wasn't like it was different people are for like army towns and it's like yes yes yeah um yeah what are you gonna you know it's tough tough it could work out it might not just like any other relationship that's only four months old usually you wouldn't suggest someone who's only been dating too yeah that long to do a long distance right no but like whatever you know i guess my like i said to her it's just like it's only been four months who knows yeah i think it's gonna drastically change by month five yeah you know

so there's no point in planning for month 12 right now that's so true how's it going good what's your name i'm kelsey i'm 28 uh hi kel Kelsey, 28. Love the hair. Hi. Purple. Good. How can we help? Well, I emailed in to kind of talk about, I don't know, I kind of need like a guy's perspective. Maybe if you could bring yourself back a few years. I've been with my husband for five years.

few years. I've been with my husband for five years. We had a courthouse marriage in September, and then we have a big wedding next month. And the topic of kids has been really kind of touchy recently, where I feel like it's kind of like a button I can't touch with him when we first got together uh we knew that we wanted a kid or two in the future and now five years later i'm getting a little more ready for it than he is and so i just don't know like how much i should be pushing the subject or really just or not like i don't want to cause fights how old are you again 28 i'm 28 how old is he 30 okay um is he uh like how adamant is he about this so like the last year or so i've like brought it up more. I've tried to like preach the subject. I get like my feelings hurt a lot cause he'll kind of just like joke it off

when I try and talk about it. Um, and like when every once in a while I'll get so upset, like he'll like calm down and like have a talk with me about it. But it's like, I have to really push to get those conversations. And what is he, when he, when he calms you down what what is he saying do you feel like he's actually listening to you or do you think he's just trying to calm you down i think a little of both i think he's good at like

calming me down and saying like you know yes like want a child, but he's so like analytical, you know, and he wants to plan everything out. And, you know, not at this time, like it's our lives aren't there. And like, I get it. We get moved. We move further away from his family. Okay. Yeah. So that's stable.

Moving further away from his family is one reason why he's not ready. What's another reason? I think his job's, like, a little up in the air. We moved to Colorado to do, like, a startup company. And so right now we're in, like, the first year of that. So I think he's worried, like, if this doesn't work out, then we have a kid and then we're moving. But like to me, that doesn't matter.

You said in your email that you also you felt that you were pushy about your engagement as well. I was. Yeah. Like I was very, very pushy. I feel like if it was up to him, like we probably wouldn't have gotten engaged or married. And like after the fact, like he's been perfect. Like it's been the happiest planning. Like he's so good about it, but like, it takes like a push off a cliff to do things.

Yeah. Sometimes we do that. So, yeah, I mean, if you're, if you're happy with everything else, I guess what you have the right to –

kids are a big deal, right? They are. We've gotten soft, I think, as a society, the younger generations. You always hear how our parents just got married and just had kids because it's what you did. And I know my parents were certainly had a you know you didn't we we have this thing where we have to plan everything now we have to have a certain income and we have to have certain security and i i get it it all makes sense and

i'm like that too but sometimes we just figure it out you know um you know if you have a kid you become that much more motivated to make sure you make things work at the risk of sometimes your own happiness. You know, kids are a big sacrifice to your free time. And that all makes sense. So he has to decide, you know, is that what he really wants? I think it sounds like you've made it clear that kids are important to you. And, you know, you're still young, but it's, you know, my guess is you probably want to have it sooner than later as you approach 30. Yeah.

And so I always envisioned, you know, like I hear a lot on your show, you know, I always envisioned myself like married at 22 you know with the kids and so the older i get the more you know i look at it realistically you know he jokes about you know like sex life going down after a kid or you know just him not having that freedom he's a lot more outgoing than i am sure i would rather like stay in and and I'll chill with the baby. You go out with the friends. Well, he needs to be a father too. I get what you're saying. I think what you need to make clear to him is like, listen, it's never going to be a convenient time to have a kid. As a 30-year-old guy, nothing's going to change for him at 32. It's not like at 32, he's going to be like, now I'm willing to make these sacrifices. No one ever feels that. You just have the

kid and then you deal with it. He needs to be honest with you about him wanting to have a child, something you need to figure out. And he probably does, if this is a guy who just kind of needs who drags his feet on big commitments um but i think you have the right to you know say say that you really want this i mean um like how how much should i push like you know or how much like is bringing up the conversation too much it's not so much pushing. I think you just need to get a better understanding where he's at. And I think you both need to feel like you're being really honest with each other. I think it's a fair thing to say to him. It's like,

it's never going to be convenient. Like what's going to be the difference between now and two years. And he might say, well, maybe, you know, like the things of the company might be better, et cetera, et cetera. We might be moving back home, but you might not be, you know what I'm saying? And like, and in two years, there'll be something else that will he, any, like, it's so easy

if you're looking for a perfect scenario to bring life into this world it's always really easy to point out why it might be a struggle you know what i'm saying like the corona stuff that we've been dealing with like you know like there's always there's always bullshit in the world right so like he's gonna in two years or a year or in three years, there's going to be reasons that he can make an argument of why this might not be the best time. And so, it comes down to, is he just really want to, is he willing to have a family and a child with you? And that's something that's fair for you to bring up. And because, like, having the discussion and then like each time making up like excuses in the moment or reasons why like i think you should like hold your feet to the hold his feet to the fire

and saying there's never there's never going to be a super easy time there's no guarantees things going to change but what is going to be constant is my desire to be a mother and my hope that you want to be a father. No, that's really good advice. I just, I'm at this point where we have gotten to a point where it's the communication about it is a lot better. Like my family's a lot more close-knit than his is. So I think like, I just, I know how, how special it can be and just like i don't know i don't want him to resent me for having kids too early and i don't want to resent him in any way for like waiting and you're not even married yet they're not wait you're not married yet well we're married we did get married but they courthouse. That's married. But they're planning their wedding. Our big wedding.

Yeah. You're married. Like, our family, so we're married. I get that you haven't had a celebration, but you're married. Right? That's what I say. I don't, otherwise, what was the point of getting married? Why did you do a courthouse marriage?

We were moving, and so and so like he needed health insurance and you know specifically like it was you know he was going through stuff with dental stuff too and so like having insurance was just like a big thing and it was like a special day to us my parents came his didn't they didn't really want to but what do you mean his parents didn't want to well his dad's a pastor and so they weren't really cool with us so as far as your as far as your father-in-law goes you're not married because you're not married in the eyes of god you know i get i've heard that exactly before um and you know what fair to him certainly i grew up uh exactly so you know i get that um it doesn't change anything you are legally married as far

as the law goes and if you guys broke up you'd have to get divorced uh so that's just you know god aside uh that's just the reality of it but yeah i think uh i you know that being said the fact that you know there's this ceremony that hasn't happened yet, I think it's an important time to have a really good understanding of this. And just be honest with them. I don't want to nag you, but this is not going to change. I want a child. And I don't want to wait forever. And I do know that there will be something in six months and 12 months and two years.

There'll be reasons why it won't be convenient. Yeah, I think those are all things I've kind of been thinking, but I haven't really put all together. It's different when like you're in the situation, it's hard to see things. I get it. But you can't like, especially being in a marriage, you know, you're married, so you stop being afraid to say what you feel for fear that you know he'll resent you or whatever um if he is that's a good time to find out now you know yeah that's very true uh there's nothing wrong uh with wanting to be a mom and and you have the right to to to fill that need and he needs to be honest with you about how willing he is to to be a part of that

and uh marriage is about sacrifice and having a family is you know um and if he i mean if he doesn't want to if he wants to be selfish and lead an independent life he he should not be married and and certainly to someone who wants to have kids. Right. Thank you. So, yeah, better to find that out now. I know. So we're 36 days away from the big wedding, so now would be the time.

Yeah, it's not about nagging. It's just about like, I want to know. I've deserved to know, and I want to know, and I i want kids sooner than later and we've been together a long time we've had our fun and you know i think that's what i've been struggling with just like is it the nag between being nagging and just wanting to have those conversations because i feel like there's that fine line well what happens when happens with the nagging, nagging usually comes sometimes. Not always. Sometimes people are just fucking nags.

But with you, it's a little different. What happens sometimes with nagging is when we don't really say what we want, we don't make it clear, we're passive aggressive, we want the other person to just figure it out on their own. And when they don't, we kind of like kind of passive aggressively say things and we nag and we kind of say things and then it just, we get annoying, right? Just make it very clear what you want, you know, and try, you know, and expect a very honest answer. And if he's like, well, not now,

like, I don't think you just drop it. What does that mean, not now? What's going to change in six months? What's going to 12? What, if that changes, what guarantee, you know, like, I don't, you tell him, be honest with him. I'm nervous that you'll never want to. Right, like the longer we push it out, the more things come up that could be the excuses

you're you're you know it sounds like you're nervous about him ever really wanting to a little piece of me maybe yeah probably more than a little yeah i mean because like when we first got together, it was, we were both kind of like anti kids, like young, fun. And I would say like four years, he was kind of like that. And this last year is like really been him kind of coming around to the idea and like having these conversations. Well, that's good that he's having it, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Everything's probably fine.

Sometimes this kid probably needs a push now and then, but I don't think you should be worried about nagging. I do think you should be direct. Okay. You know, don't be passive aggressive and have this be something that you kind of like passive aggressively throw in his face from time to time. Sit down, have a conversation, of aggressively throwing his face from time to time, sit down, have a conversation, get on the same page,

understand his fears and reservations, be able to express yours. And as a couple who's already married, figure it out. But don't let him make excuses that he could use in six months. Yeah. But do you think it's a... Not that I... Like, I'm very pro therapy and like

going to therapy for, you know, preventative rather than fixing things. Like, is that, is it stupid to like ask if like a mediator in the situation or someone to help us through those conversations or is it too early for that? I don't think it's ever too early to see a therapist if you want to. I mean, going to talk to a therapist doesn't mean anything. I think we still deal with it, but a lot of times before, people would say, oh, I only go if I have a problem, and if we're going, that means there's something wrong. If you feel like you're not on the same page, then go.

But before that, I think find find out just have a conversation with him um a therapist isn't going to be able to convince him to have a kid correct yeah um nor should you want that you know he do you definitely want him to be ready to be a father and so you need to find out whether he really has the desire to you know because you do you really want to have it have a kid with him and have him be this kind of absent father i don't think you want that no and i don't see him being that way at all and maybe the therapy is more like just for myself and being able to like have these conversations and like be strong through them like that's always been kind of i think yeah i think it would be helpful to to do then maybe your therapist can suggest when

it would be an appropriate time to include him yeah but i i but it's also a good opportunity to find out just how open he is to working on things with you does he support you going to therapy is he resistant to ever coming these are, these would be potential red flags. No, definitely supportive. Like I've been definitely open with that. So like I am on anti-anxiety medication, which, you know, brings into, you know, if you can be on it when you're pregnant and being on those things after a child. And so he really does like worry about me with like postpartum and things like that yeah i mean having a kid is very challenging there's a lot of things that can go wrong a lot of things to worry about but um everyone deals with that and um just be smart be proactive ask

the right questions you know rely on the experts the doctors and that's all you can hope for. But, yeah. All right? Thank you. All right. Well, best of luck. I saw you were kind of cuddled up with Kelly from Chris Harrison last night via comments. You know, fun little internet stuff.

All right. Well, internet stuff. All right. Well, Dan Kelly. All right. Have a good day. You have a good day. Bye. All right. Bye-bye.

Kids. Kids. Kids, kids, kids. Yeah. You know, classic case of just kind of being afraid to ask the right questions. Yeah. Never convenient to have kids. Right.

Even if you really want kids. It's never going to be perfect. It's never going to be easy. Yeah. So, yeah. Well, fun episode, Rochelle. Yeah. Hope you guys are surviving out there.

Hope you're surviving. Be smart. Wash your hands. Rely on the experts. You know, do things to help boost your immune system and be smart. Wash your hands. Rely on the experts. Do things to help boost your immune system. That won't prevent you from contracting any virus, but

hopefully it will help you fight it off if you do things to have a healthy immune system. Drink a lot of water. Vitamin C is good. And then Wednesday we have Penn Jillette, so be sure to tune in. I'm sure you have a lot of time on your hands. Yeah, listen to us.

Will that be that Wednesday then? Make sure, I know we said Penn was going to be here last week, but we had to have Barb and we wanted to get Barb. But I really enjoyed my discussion with Penn. A fascinating guy. Very interesting. So much knowledge. And I think you'll really enjoy it

so until next time don't forget to send your questions at ask nickcastme.com cast with a k always appreciate your reviews certainly if they're five stars and we will see you on wednesday