The Viall Files - E1083 Ask Nick - My Ex is Paying My Tuition

Episode Date: February 23, 2026

Our first caller is spiraling: is she running away… or just not that into him? The second caller's boyfriend won't let his kids meet her and she's wondering what that really means. And our third caller is asking the ultimate question: if we're compatible, how much does the spark actually matter? "That's like the new romantic phrase of 2026: 'I always talk to my therapist about you.'" New Merch OUT NOW: https://shop.viallfiles.com/ Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday. Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick's Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with "Texting Office Hours" in the subject line!  To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: IM8 - Give your body what it deserves with IM8! Go to https://IM8HEALTH.com/viall and use code VIALL for a Free Welcome Kit, five free travel sachets plus ten percent off your order. BILT - Join the loyalty program for renters at https://joinbilt.com/viall  Upwork - Visit https://Upwork.com right now and post your job for free. Cashapp - For a limited time, new Cash App customers can earn $10 if they use code FAMILY10 in their profile at signup and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Quince - Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to https://Quince.com/viall for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. Mint Mobile - Ready to stop paying more than you have to? New customers can make the switch today and for a limited time, get unlimited premium wireless for just $15 per month. Switch now at https://mintmobile.com/viall Betterhelp - BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/viall Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (00:49) - Caller One (28:17) - Caller Two (46:13) - Caller Three Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @the_mare_bare @izeweaver

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Good. What's your name? My name's Kelsey. I'm 31. And I am not sure if I'm running away or if I'm just not into the guy that I'm dating. Tell me about it. So we started dating about nine months ago in May of last year. It started pretty like hot and heavy. We were really into each other, lots of chemistry.

One thing that kind of caught me off guard, though, is he did say I love you pretty quick. It was like two weeks in. So from that point, I think I started being like, okay, well, is it too soon? Should he be saying this this fast? I kind of have a history, too, of jumping in relationships quickly. So, but I decided to keep, you know, giving a shot because I really liked him. And the relationship went really well for, I would say, about three months. And then in August, over the summer, I started feeling like I was not getting enough time to myself. Like he wanted to be around me all the time, which is great. But like, I didn't have enough time to myself. I'm also a single mom.

I've got a five-year-old daughter. And so just juggling all of that was really hard for me to find a loan time. Like he was staying out in my apartment almost every day with me. And so I did have a conversation with him about it. And I said, I felt like I wasn't. getting enough, you know, me time and that I wanted like maybe just a couple days a week where it's just me at my apartment and, you know, he would go back to his place. And he didn't like that. It caused some issues in our relationship. He felt like I was pushing him away.

How did you say, I mean, how did, do you remember like how you presented that where it's just like, yeah, how did you talk about that? Yeah. So, um, we were just like hanging out at my apartment and I just said, um, you know, I also had just started a new job. So I just said, I just said, I've been really overwhelmed with this new job. I'm having a hard time balancing, you know, my new job, spending time with you, taking care of. And I feel like I'm just not taking time to take care of myself because I was really stressed out and as, you know, kind of taking it out on him a little bit too because I wasn't getting that time to relieve my stress. And so I explained it in that way to him. And then I also did tell him because we we had started talking about marriage. and when we would want to move in together. And I told him that I felt like things were progressing a little bit too fast for me. And how long have you been together at that point? At that point, we had only been together like three or four months.

And it sounds like he was always the one like, you know, pushing things forward in terms of the move and talk and the marriage talk or the engagement talk or things like that. It felt at least from your point of view that it was him doing that. And you were more like trying to enjoy what you guys were creating in a way from a relationship. But every time you tried to enjoy it, it felt like he was pushing it forward kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah.

That's that's really exactly what it was. And at first when I kind of felt like he might be love bombing me, but it was like I couldn't really tell because he was giving me, you know, tons of compliments and like buying me gifts and he said I love you two weeks in and so like I was really confused at the start of the relationship but then as it progressed it got a little bit more normal if that makes sense like you know it was a lot more balanced as far as like him complimenting me and us just like being able to hang out and have a good time but then at that point too I was like I still felt like things were moving too fast and he was already talking about marriage and And like I was open to the idea, but then when it came down to like the timeline of it,

like he wanted to get married within like a year of us dating. How old is he? He's 30. He just turned 30 in August. Never been married or anything. This all happened right around his birthday. No, never been married or anything. Me either.

Okay. We've never been married. So, yeah. So where are we now? Like how long have you been together now? Not quite a year. It's been about nine months recently. So he still has.

has his apartment that's cheaper rent than where I'm at my lease ends at the end of next month. And so we did a little test run where I went and stayed at his apartment. My daughter and I stayed there for, I would say, like, two weeks. And honestly, I just got really anxious while I was over there. And I felt like I'm not ready to be here. I want to go back to my own apartment. And then there was little things that would happen where, like, little habits he had. you know, that I couldn't tell if it was like, I was getting annoyed because like, like I'm, you know, we're spending so much time together.

Sometimes people annoy you. But I couldn't tell what was that or if it was like maybe I'm just not happy in this relationship. And so I just sat down and talked to him and I said, I don't think I'm ready for this step in the relationship. I've been really anxious since I've been here to the point where it's like feels like I'm going to have a panic attack almost. And to me, it's like, I got to listen to that, right? So I talked to him about it. And again, he was like, well, I think you're just pushing me away. You know, you're just pushing me away. It's fine if you want to go back to your apartment.

But I really think you're just pushing me away because you're scared. And so then he sort of gets in my head because, yeah. So that's what I'm like, well, I don't think it's that. He thinks that I'm scared because of my past relationships. because I did date a guy where I was ready for marriage with him and he wasn't. And so he broke the relationship off. And that relationship did really hurt me. And so, and he knows about that.

And so he thinks that I'm pushing him away now because I'm scared of getting hurt again. And so where I'm at is like, I can't, I can't tell if that's what I'm doing or. Well, when he says that, does that feel. right? No, it doesn't. There you go. Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't feel right. I mean, like, no offense to him. I mean, listen, I say this all the time. People, you know, I'm not a therapist or psychologist. Doesn't mean his opinions aren't valid. I mean, people listen to this show. I have my opinions. People take it or leave it. The difference between him and I in this scenario is that he is emotionally invested in the outcome. And while I wish you nothing but the best.

I guess I don't really care one way or the other, whether you stay with this guy or not. And so, like, listen, like, nothing against him, but, like, he's, obviously, he's biased. He doesn't want to feel rejected. And I just think it's really important for you, not to discount what he's saying, but, like, when he's telling you what he thinks it is,

it's really important to listen to your body and what feels. feels right or what feels wrong, you know. He would probably do himself a favor by just trying to listen to you and make you feel heard and sound like he is emotionally mature enough to hear the feedback you have without it triggering him to the point where he is acting like you're about to break up with him. So to, you know, where he's trying to convince you of like why you're feeling a certain way that has nothing to do with him. You know, because, you know, everything I've heard about from you, from you, it's not like I, you didn't call up and say, how do I break out with my boyfriend?

He gives me the ick. Like, that's not the headline, you know. That's kind of how he's acting when you, you know, it sounds like anytime you go to him and say, hey, listen, I'm feeling a certain way. And yeah, it just, it, it, it, it, it kind of makes it, I imagine that creates a lot of different feelings, you know, it's just like, well, I don't, I just want to talk to you. And I, I want to feel like you hear me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's really hard. And another dilemma I have, you know, I'm like, 31. I do want to find someone one day. So I'm like, I don't know, it's a little bit scary being single again, especially having a kid and like trying to figure out how to navigate that as a single mom. and like bringing my daughter into it because now she's like sort of attached to this person. And it's like, yeah. So it brings up the question of like how to navigate dating moving forward if I don't end up with him. It's a little bit scary for me.

It really sounds like mentally deep down, you just don't think he's your guy. That's this kind of how it sounds. And that's okay, you know, that, you know, just a small note, you know, like I wouldn't spend a lot of energy trying to figure out if he's love bombing you. I think nine times out of ten, people can get excited. When they meet someone, they finally are excited. And like, you know, that, you know, everyone's having a hard time meeting people, let alone finding someone they get a little excited about.

And he got excited about you, which is, you know, and again, love bombing. Not that really, it's really about, does it feel manipulative? It's like in the heat of the moment, but I love you. And that's why I did what I did. even though it's just like, what does that have to do with? And, you know, and it feels manipulative. Like, his love comes at the price and that is your approval or your submission to whatever it is he's asking for, like someone who just feels like they're getting carried away

and excited and wanting to move. If there only is, I want to move things forward, chances are they're just excited, you know. If they're not dangling a carrot, you know, then it's probably not love bombing. You know, so I wouldn't spend too much time trying to figure that out, you know. Okay. Because like, again, love bomb is like a kind of is a form of abuse, you know. Yeah. It doesn't sound like you feel like he is emotionally abusing you.

He's just a little, he's just a little excited. He's just a little immature potentially, you know, he's, you know, 30 years old. He's kind of entering a potentially new phase of his life. He's trying to adult here. He wants to do the right thing. I imagine for a single man who meets a single mother, there's probably a lot of uncharted territory for him. He probably wants to do the right thing,

and he might not know what the right thing is. His problem is, he would probably do well just to, like, again, listen a little bit. And, you know, I think all young men are men in general, like I think we can all humble ourselves a little bit into acknowledging what we don't know, asking for help, things like that. You know, he may learn this along the way.

But as far as you dating, let's assuming you end this relationship, I mean, listen, I don't, yeah, dating is hard. And I'm not a single mom or a single parent. So take whatever I say with a grain of salt, you know. But like, I think one, your kid will be okay, whatever connection she has to this person. people will come and go out of their lives, you know, that's just, that, that's happened. That'll be a learning opportunity for, for your kid. That being said, dating in the future, you, you're allowed to be a little bit more guarded

or maybe learn a lesson from this experience where you realize, listen, I might date someone for a year only to realize I might not want to end up with them, you know, and I, maybe I just, does that mean you have to wait a year to introduce someone to your kid? No, but it might mean that like you are a little less, you know, like him kind of low-key moving in with you guys early in the relationship and spending many nights there. That might be something you put a stop to, you know? Yeah. It also could just be an opportunity to test out the emotional maturity of some of these people

you date, you know. How do they react to hearing disappointing things? You know, I think everyone's entitled to have an initial, like, poor reaction. reaction. By poor, I don't mean like super reactive, but like, you know, like in a perfect world, you probably wish he would have been like, oh, okay, well, I'm sorry to hear that. Tell me more. Very, very open, empathetic, very kind of just listening. But it would make sense for at first for him to internalize this and be like, oh, so you just fucking hit my guts and, you know, whatever, you know. But the emotional mature person person should at least come back, maybe a day or two passes and

say, hey, listen, I, sorry if I had like a little hasty reaction. Obviously, I like you. And I'm just a little, it was, it was disappointing to hear. But like, your feelings are valid. And at the same, let's sit down and talk about this stuff. Um, you know. Yeah. So if nothing else, my guess is your, I mean, if he would do stuff like that, he might feel differently about him. But like being a, a mom, it's hard in a relationship where you're always the one trying to explain to your partner why things aren't okay or why you're not doing something and then you're either like defending your point of view or parenting him in a way that's like I want to I shouldn't have to explain this to you and like again when I say parent like because he gets you know he's upset

he gets his you know he started a little of a temper tantrum you know things like that yeah yeah it's like where we left things so I went back to my apartment and now he was just like And I told him, I was like, I did say I don't want to end the relationship. I just want to move back to my apartment because I'm not ready to take this step. I want to slow down a little bit. I'm just not ready. He said that he needs time to think about that. So my thought is, well, I don't know.

It's just weird to me. It almost feels like it's an ultimatum of like I have to either live with them or we end the relationship. So now I'm like kind of unsure about what to do there. I think he's, listen, I mean, he's, it sounds a little emotionally immature. Yeah. Yeah, that's not the right response. The right response. I mean, yeah, who, I don't know why he said that or what his intentions are.

Probably just because you probably didn't know how to answer that. It probably felt wrong. And I guess the way people take control to like, well, I guess I have to think about what I want because he heard disappointing news. Yeah. You know, he also may be senses that you're not that into it. them in a way or fears that, you know, and that's a way he's, you know, it's like you can't fire me. I quit. There could be a little bit of that.

No, that really, Matt. I mean, listen, I think what's really important here is I think you already have the answer. Your body's telling you what the answer is. And I think you're just in your head a little bit, understandably so about, hey, I've invested a year in this relationship. Hey, my daughter knows this guy. He's not the worst, you know. you know, he's fine.

Should I, am I sacrificing good for the pursuit of great? You know, like, you know, maybe I'm being greedy or maybe I'm being too picky and it's easy to be in your head and all those things. But, yeah, I mean, you know, I'm not saying, you know, you're 31. He's 30. It's not like he's too young for you. But it's also not a surprise that a 30-year-old man in 2026 for you feels a little emotionally immature and doesn't feel like he's the type of person who can make you feel.

feel like you have someone that can you can lean on and count on and talk to you know right now it sounds like you are anytime you're frustrated specifically of the relationship you have to get into this whole like you know it's like you you almost assume this parent role yeah that's exactly what it feels like it's either that or like if it the two times we've had conversations about like the timeline in our relationship it's either that or it feels like he's just assuming that i'm like trying to push him away because out of fear when it's, I mean, maybe a little bit, but also like, I do have a kid too. So like moving at a slower pace is, is kind of something that I need.

So yeah. Well, that's a thing. It's a little on his part. Again, understand. It's like it's understandable that that might come out of his mouth or certainly it's possible like, you know, that you have some baggage from past relationships for sure. But as you know, you open this call by saying, I have actually a history of jumping into relationships a little too fast.

And now I'm taking it slow, which kind of signals growth on your part. He doesn't want to acknowledge your growth. He just wants to dismiss that and call it fear, which again is this like understandable. It makes sense. His logic isn't like completely bananas, but like, again,

he's not giving you the benefit of the doubt. and he is centering his fears over understanding why you feel the way you feel and understanding why you're choosing to make some of these decisions, and they're not always about him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That really makes a lot of sense.

And I think you're right. I think I've sort of just been trying to almost convince myself that I should be in this relationship because he is a really good guy and he treats me well for the most part, you know, we do get along pretty well. But at the same time, there's, there's times where it feels like there's just something missing almost. Like, what do you think that is? You know, like we don't have the same sense of humor. There's times where we're hanging out and I, like, kind of wish I was doing something else. And so there's like little things that happen like that where I'm like, what do you mean by wishing doing something else? Like, like wishing that I was like doing my own thing instead.

I feel like when you're in a relationship with somebody and you're hanging out with them, like you should. That's like, yeah, you want to be with that person. But there is times where we're hanging out. And I'm like, man, I kind of wish I was just like, you know, in my room like reading my book or, you know, doing it. You don't feel like you're capable of doing that without triggering him. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, it does feel a little bit smothering sometimes.

Yeah. Listen, at this point, it seems like you know what you want to do in the sake of, you know, making sure if you're not 100% sure. Have you, I mean, have you ever communicated to what we've talked about with him to say, one, with confidence, you could say, you know, I've thought about what you said. And I'm not going to sit there and pretend that obviously my past relationship trauma hasn't affected me. But the way it's affected me is, you know, I have jumped in relationships quickly in the past. And how I've chosen to like really work on myself is to take things slow because I don't think that's unhealthy. I think that's a healthier approach because I do think it takes time for just people to get to know each other. And it is frustrating that any time I try to talk to you about the pace of our relationship and my discomfort worth it, where I see something as growth, you just discount it and dismiss it and call it a fear.

And I guess I just wish that when I came to you and talked about some of my concerns, it doesn't seem like you're listening. It seems like you're just trying to figure out how to convince me that I'm wrong. And no one likes that feeling, right? You know, you might be wrong sometimes in a relationship. And yeah, as people in a relationship might argue and disagree. And you want to hear, you know, I want to feel like you understand, you know, because like it's, I don't think it's abnormal for me dating someone, anyone. for a year with a child who tried living at their house to say, I need to, I want to slow down a little bit. And have that be anything other than like something I need to connect with or evaluate.

And you always make it about my feelings about you. And then you always tell me I'm scared. And it's very frustrating. Yeah, I haven't actually had that specific conversation with him because I don't, I think I realized that's what he was doing until you pointed it out, like discounting my feelings and calling it fear. I never, I didn't think about it that way. I just sort of like got it in my head that he was right and that I was just running away, especially like the first time we had the conversation back in August. I was like, oh, I think I am doing that. So let's just forget about

all that and I'll keep, you know, let's just keep doing what we're doing. And then it came up again like four months later. So that's why I'm like, well, maybe I'm not just pushing him away. And I guess I didn't realize that's kind of what he was doing, just counting my feelings there. Yeah. I don't say that, be like, oh my God, this motherfucker discounted your feelings. He's a toxic asshole. You know, it's not, listen, we all make mistakes. And his reaction is normal and understandable. And like I said before, you know, that initial reaction makes sense. But at a minimum, if he was emotionally, mature, he would maybe acknowledge that a little bit. Yeah.

And I do think if you were to, even if you end this relationship, it would be good practice for you to communicate this to him. Okay. You know, in a way that's like, because again, I think it's normal, very, it's very normal what he's doing, right? And I don't think it's abusive or, or it's just like he, he doesn't, you know, he is, you know, when it comes to dating most of the time, we're all learning as we go. Every dating situation, you know, he's maybe probably never dated a single mom before or, you know, I don't know.

Like every relationship's new and it's new, new situation. So we're always kind of learning. Yeah. It would be good for you to communicate it because like it's hard to sometimes articulate how we're feeling. And then when we feel, especially when we understand it after the fact, you know, you don't want to bring it up again. But I think it would be good for you to just talk to him in a way that, you know, tries to express how you are feeling about, you know, you wish, because again, like, it really comes down to every time you have a feeling about this relationship, instead of just having someone to talk to and work through

it, you have to, it almost turns into a confrontation where you have to feel like you have to come up with arguments as to why you feel the way you do, even if you don't have them. It's like, you know, and if you don't have a concrete answer, then his response is, well, you're just scared. Yeah. A 30-year-old guy's a guy's, apartment? I mean, if you moved in the, you know, I was in my early 40s when I met Natalie and she didn't have a kid, but imagine if she, you know, like my apartment was not ready for, you know, like. It's a big step. And yeah, you know, and credit to him for wanting to make that step. You know, he sounds like he has these good intentions, but he just has to maybe learn how to be a little

bit more he he has to welcome you into having a conversation that doesn't discount your feelings and I don't think he's intentionally doing it but I think his he is not allowed you know it sounds like you don't feel very understood or heard anytime you're trying to communicate to him how you feel and that can be very frustrating in a relationship yeah yeah that's exactly what's happening and yeah I guess I didn't really realize that before so is this helpful yes very helpful because again, like, I didn't realize like him saying that I'm scared made me feel a little bit dismissed until you were saying that just a few moments ago. And I think having that conversation with him, hopefully it'll help. If it doesn't, then there's my answer on what I need to do

in this relationship. Like if we're still not on the same page and if he's not okay with taking his step back, then, you know, he's just not my person. And I guess you know, I have to be okay with that. I think like, you know, you get in your 30s and you're like, okay, like, you got to start, you know, settling down. So, yeah, I got to let go of that. I think, yeah, you'll be okay. And listen, the step back comment, obviously, because that sounds like, oh, we're going backwards, you know, but it's also just like, you know, and when you talk to them, it's maybe so, but I have tried to tell you that I want to slow down. And again, while you didn't, maybe you meant it, didn't mean to do it, but I kind of, I went from feeling like I was making progress with myself and how I, how I, how I entered into new relationships. And then you told me I was afraid and I'm not blaming you. But like, I guess you got in my head about that. And instead of like falling through what I thought were healthy steps, I kind of ignored that and trusted you. And now I'm realizing it wasn't out of fear. It was just, I just wanted to take.

things slow, you know, which I think is a normal thing. And, and so I don't want to see it as a step backwards. I do want to slow down. And I do want to feel like I have your support without have to constantly worrying about your feelings. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. Chances are he's going to, this will be a tough lesson for him and you will be doing his next girlfriend a service. Yeah, probably. Probably. Probably. Yeah. So, and then when you get back, out there, I think you're doing all right. More than anything, I would just encourage you to listen to your body, listen to your feelings. You know yourself better than anyone. It's great to get feedback, but don't, don't be so easily convinced that you're wrong about how you feel.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That makes sense. All right. All right. We'll take care. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Keep us updated. I will. All right. Okay. Okay, bye-bye. Bye. What's up, everybody? We have a very exciting announcement for all the Ask Nick audience out there. We have new Instagram and TikTok specifically for Ask Nick. So if you want to avoid all the pop culture and reality TV content that we're putting out there

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It's good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Rose. I'm 30. years old and my boyfriend won't let me meet his kids. Should I be worried? Okay, tell me about it. Tell me how long you've been dating. Let's start there. Yeah, so we actually dated previously around two years ago. He was going through kind of a gnarly custody battle. His ex-wife was trying to get the kids to move to a different state. So we split up during that time just because we do have quite a bit of an age gap and that was

just a bit much for the handle. How old is he? He's 52. I don't know. So then I dated another guy did my own thing, but he would like reach out occasionally and be like, I always think about you, like blah, blah, blah. So anyways, when I became single, he kind of reached out. And I told him, I was like, I don't know if I want to date someone older again. Like, you already have kids. You have this. You have that. Because I'm definitely in a stage of my life where I, like, would build a life with someone rather than just enter someone's life, if that makes sense. So anyways, so we started dating, say, October-ish. And I was kind of skeptical to start dating.

I was like, I don't know, you have kids. And he sent me this long email one day. And he was like, you know, I love you. I always talk to my therapist about you. Like, I just know the business is like meant to be. The new like romantic thing to say in 2026, I always talked to my therapist about you. Exactly. Yeah.

Anyway, sorry, I digress. No, you're fine. So, yeah, so anyways, then I've been asking him, like, what's kind of the plan? And, like, I want to meet your kids. Like, will I be with them this summer? And he just won't give me answers. So it sounds like you guys recently just got back together. Yeah, in October.

Okay. And he's very, also I should mention, he's a very intense person. He's not like, let's see how this goes. Like, he'll be, he'll just off the bat. He's like, I love you so much. you know like it's like whoa cowboy like can we take a step back so he's 52 how old or his kids nine and 11 nine 11 okay and i also i've always been very understanding of his kids like i've never tried to rush stuff because i know like they've been through a lot from their mom too um says

him says him yeah exactly and that's the other part of this which actually i kind of sent him a text last wednesday so i've kind of solved it and i'm i'm more curious if you think i made the right call now. So I was with him two weekends ago and he just kind of started to tell me his fears. And he would say stuff, I want to go back to school. And I'm like, okay, I want to go back to school. And he's like, I'll help you pay for school and then we'll just see how it goes. Like, I'll pay for the first year and we'll just see. And I'm like, what is that? Like, he's already talking as if like we're not going to be together. I feel in a sense. We were in the shower and he's like telling me, like, I don't know. I'm kind of scared about having like kids. Because I told him, I'm like, if we get back

together, like, you know I want kids. That's like never been something. that I've like not. I've been very upfront about it. And I'm like, I want to be married and I want to like do. I'm 31. I know I have time, but I'm not trying to just date around anymore. So we were on the same page, but then he was telling me his fears. And then he's like, when I hang out with my daughters, they're like, I don't know, daddy.

Like, do we need another person? It's just the three of us. He told you this? And I get that. Yeah, he would tell me this stuff. So then I'm like, I get nervous because. I don't want to be the one, you know, messing up their little unit. So anyways, last Wednesday I sent him a message and I was just, I told him, hey, you know,

I really care about you. If we're going to move forward, I need to know when kind of I would meet the kids ballpark, what the summer will look like, well, I get to spend time with you. Because in the summer, they do week on, week off. And he's always planning these trips. So I just wanted to know, like, what it would look like. And he, I didn't hear from him for two days. And then when I heard from him, he was just told me he couldn't give me the clarity that I needed.

Okay. And then you said what? I said, thanks for letting me know. Like, I appreciate the honesty. And then that brings us to the present day? Mm-hmm. So where are you mentally? I actually feel very relieved in a way.

As far as you are concerned, are you guys still together? Are you kind of, it sounds, I can't tell whether you, that response kind of triggered a, maybe he's, not my guy or you're still trying to figure that out. No, I think maybe he's not my guy. I think if he was my guy, he could give me more clarity. I'm also, I don't have an endless timeline as he does to have kids in the future. Well, I think that's kind of the most important part of the equation. Like, to me, this is kind of like, if nothing else, a conversation about like pet peeves and non-negotiables, right? And despite, you know, maybe he's a great guy, maybe you guys have some really good chemistry. Maybe he in fact cares about you and you care about him. And those are all

nice things and important in a relationship, but like you also maybe need more. And you have some non-negotiables. He has some non-negotiables. Your non-negotiables, it sounds like, are you know you want to have a family. You're pretty sure you want to have kids. You know, his non-negotiables on some level are his relationship with his kids, right? So to oversimplify without having spoken to him, something about his relationship with the kids and the importance of that, I'm assuming, are non-negotiables, which makes a lot of sense. And that has probably created a lot of confusion on his part of like, what should I do? I don't know. You know, messy divorce, messy custody battle. I don't know who's right or who's wrong. He said, she said with his wife, but, you know,

it's been a challenge for him. He's in, you know, 52, kind of middle-aged, but probably still young enough to date someone like you and has some money. You know, it's like the offering to pay for your school is like, it probably just because he can, and it felt like a nice thing. And, you know, maybe there wasn't that much more meaning behind it. And the will see almost probably just more him like just thinking out loud similar to the whole like, you know, communicating to you, like what his daughters, you know, are saying, which is a natural thought from his daughters, but like, maybe you didn't need to hear that, you know, him reaching out to you and sending you an email or a text or whatever it was that says, I miss you or I think about you, I talk with you

of my therapist. I'm sure all feels good. It's like, you know. So dramatic. He also was saying things like I got my sperm tested. Like he was going to another dimension. Yeah, yeah. I mean, And like, and yeah, like, it's, it's both maybe flattering and also a little alarming all at the same time. So I actually, I feel like I've made the right choice kind of because he did say I kind of was talking to him about school and he's, he does have the money. It's like no sweat off his back. So he was, he said he'll pay for me to go to school, even though we're not dating. And I, I know that he doesn't expect anything from me. So I'm like, well, I feel like it's the best case scenario for a relationship to end.

That's nice. I don't know. I mean, like, it might, everything, nothing's free. I just, I think you should remember that. Yeah. If nothing else, if you mean a nice guy six months from now and it's going well, I don't know how it doesn't come up that your ex is paying for your school somehow. And I imagine he could feel a certain way about it, which it might be something he has to get over. I don't know. But it will feel like it'll be something he'll have to process. That's for sure. Totally. If you really want to. be done with this guy. And I don't know, it doesn't sound like you want to be, right? But it sounds like you think it's the best thing for you. Having him pay for your school definitely keeps you connected to this person in ways that I think you're, you don't want to maybe fully admit, you know? And I don't know a lot of people who are willing to do such a grand gesture, regardless, and really has no strings attached. Even if that string attaches him feeling good about himself,

Keep in mind, too, you've already set a precedent with this guy of getting back together. And it's great that you have been able to speak up, you know, set expectations and force some boundaries. But he has been able to get you back in his life at his convenience. And it was probably convenient for you to take a step back when you did because it became just more of a headache when it came to his custody battle. and then it made sense for him to reach out to you. He missed you. You responded. You were single.

And it was probably fun. Now you are saying, hey, I want X, Y, and Zeno. And he's just like, I can't give that to you,

but I can give you this. Oh, but no expectations. Again, like, I don't, I don't, it's sure it's not Machiavellian.

It's just like, this is what we do in our subconscious brain and how we convince ourselves of doing certain things and why our intentions are this and not that, et cetera,

et cetera. But yeah, I, listen, It's not the end of the world. I don't want to tell you what to do with your money. And I understand that school is expensive. And what a very generous gift.

It's nothing is free. I think it's just, if nothing else, you should just accept that reality if you do accept this generous gift to know that you don't may not know what the string attached to it is, but there's definitely something. I kind of agree with that. I mean, I think it's definitely more for his ego. Like, he just feels good about himself. Yeah.

I mean, listen, like, you know, at the end of the day, if all it is, is like an unpleasant phone call in the future or a weird conversation with your next boyfriend, you know, maybe it's still worth it. You're just better off accepting that if you do accept this, there may be a headache or two attached to it. And maybe it might be totally worth it. But you're better off mentally preparing yourself than acting surprised. Be like, oh, God, I just like, can't believe this happened. But yeah, yeah, it does sound like you made the right decision as far as, He doesn't seem like he's really ready to give you what deep down you know you want in a relationship. And he's probably got a lot of nice qualities.

Your question started with, is it weird that he won't let me meet his kids? I mean, that's such like so many variables into that because I think it would be understandable for any single parent to be cautious about that. But to your point, it doesn't match his intensity. Yeah, because the thing is, is I've always been respectful of meeting. them. I never, because we dated before for five or six months, I never met them then. And then this time, I know it was going to be five or so months. But at first, he said, you can meet them in January. And then he changed it to March. And then they were going to the Galapagos in March. And I was like, well, that's fun. But is there like a weekend that I get to hang out with you guys? And then it was like,

well, I don't know. I feel good about sending a message and just being like, what's kind of the plan like for the summer, for the future? And then... On some level, him keeping you separate from the kids is a signal that he doesn't really want you to be a part of his life life. It almost wants you to create a separate life with you. And that kind of makes you an escape. It makes you a, yeah, I'm kind of like a side project in a way. And I, you know, again, like, I think it's very tricky with kids. and single parents, but this is an intense guy who's willing to pay for your school and saying

he loves you and has this intensity, but like he, and then keeps putting off you meeting his kids as opposed to you would, my guess is you would feel if he had a sincerity where it was like he really wanted you to meet his kids because he really cares about you and really sees the future with you and really wants to like do it the right way, but just wants to make sure it's done the right way. And you're not feeling that. It sounds like you are feeling like he is finding, you know, you want to meet his kids because you feel like it's the right thing to do and you want to be a part of his life. And he really doesn't want to. And so he keeps coming up with new reasons and excuses why he keeps kicking the can down the road. And he has a parenting coach. He has a

therapist. He has this and that. And so I was like, well, why don't we talk to your parenting coach together to like come up with a plan and he was like nope nope and i was like well that's just seems like a red flag yeah he doesn't yeah he's not looking to do that yeah i i really think that's he's treating you like a side chick yeah i agree okay this makes me feel better though because it's like hard when someone's telling you i love you and i see a future and i'm like okay but like what's the plan and then you're not hearing anything so this makes me feel like my gut was telling me the right thing i see a future with you you and like him saying that sounds like the 50-year-old version of a 25-year-old fuckboy saying, like, I want to settle down someday, but that someday might be 15 years from now, you know?

So, like, what do you really think about it? What does I see a future with you mean? Like, yeah, I see it, you know, I can picture it. Like, you know, it's like when you're sitting across the table with him and having a nice dinner, oh, I see it because I enjoy my time with you. But he's not doing the things that are creative. an environment that makes you feel like you are becoming a part of his world. And he's keeping you separate. And it would make sense at first, maybe. You know, honestly, when I first met Natalie,

I was like, I don't know. But, you know, once you decide you want to, if he's going to say, I love you and I want to build something with you and I want to pay for your school, but you can't meet my kids and I don't really know when I want to see you. And it's like, that doesn't make sense. So now that's giving, oh, well, how do I make, how do I appease her to shut her up? Because I don't want to give her this, but I can give her that. And that's why to me, like the paying for your school is like a, like it's not a normal, you know, it's just, it's a huge gesture for anyone to do. And he is doing it. But he has, like.

What, regardless of how much money he has. Yeah. It's still a huge gesture. And the fact that it's easy for him to do, again, like I said, I think it's just giving, buying you all. and keeping you happy and he can't give you what you really want so he's willing to give you this and he knows it's a big gesture

and he knows that would be really helpful and there's a way of like needing it you know and you know they out well let's see where it goes has more is like that's him saying well let's see how I feel about you when the next tuition bills do I'm not going to guarantee you for

four years you know it will see is like solely based off of his feelings. Yeah. No, I agree. I feel better about this for sure. And I would be shocked if you got a new boyfriend, if he will be still paying for your tuition.

That's true. That's true. Yeah. Well, also, I'm a twin, so congrats. Oh, really? That's amazing. Fraternal, identical? The best thing ever.

I'm a fraternal. I'm an IVF baby, but having a twin is the best. That's amazing. That's awesome. Any tips? I don't know. I mean, my mom just has funny stories. She's like, when y'all were old enough,

you would be like flushing pearl necklaces down the toilet together and giggling and just, I don't know. But it's been fun. We went to school together and now he's always trying to get me to move where he lives now. So it's the best. That's awesome. Well, we're excited. Hopefully this was helpful. Keep us posted on those life unfolds and appreciate the well wishes.

Yay. Thank you. All right. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye, bye. Every group has someone who insists on doing things the hard way.

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deposit and promotions provided by Cash App, Visit Cash.comporated brand. Visit Cash.com slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. How's it going? Hi, I'm Rosie. I'm 24 years old, and I was wondering if I'm compatible with someone, how much does that spark really matter? Okay. Well, tell me about it.

So I started talking to someone over a year ago online. We met on a dating app. He lives in a completely different state. And we actually met in person. And we were talking for a year on an office, like friends and flirting. And it was really great. Like he feels like my best friend. But when we met in person, that like spark and that like initial connection was a little awkward and it was a little off. But he's kind of like the person that I feel like I can tell anything to. And right before he actually came to visit me, he was planning this trip for a while, I met someone else. And I actually ended up dating that person. And that person we had like this fiery, passionate, like, spark, like, whirlwind romance kind of situation. But it like crashed and

burned, like, within a year, like, really badly. And I just got out of that relationship. And I'm kind of healing. And the person that feels like my best friend that I didn't necessarily have that spark with is now moving to my state and wants to give it like a shot. Okay. And I kind of don't know what to do. So you never really dated Mr. Best Friend? Yeah. Okay.

And then after you met the first time, how did that end, so to speak? How did you communicate that kind of awkwardness to the point where it sounded like you ended things and then met this other person? So I met this other person before. Okay. I had only been on like three dates with him. Mr. Best Friend was already flying into see me. That trip was already scheduled. So I was like, you know what? I have to give it a shot with this guy. And in person, like, it was wonderful. We had like a really nice, like, couple days together. But that, like, spark that I felt with the person I ended up dating after wasn't there. I was, like, always attracted to, like, both people. But the person that I ended up dating was in my state. And it kind of. It kind of. kind of ended amicably with Mr. Best Friend because he was, like, in another state, and he didn't figure out his next move yet. He didn't know what he was doing. He was switching jobs. So we just kind

like paused that altogether. Anything else? Um, the sex was kind of awkward a little bit. Like, I don't know. Like, we have like a, like, some flirty, yeah. Okay. So you did like- We have some flirty banter. When you met up, you guys hooked up. Yeah. We spent like four full days together or like five. And like, what do you mean by awkward? Like bad or? No one like you, no, not not bad, but like you know when you kiss someone for the first time and it's like that like, oh wow, like you're like butterfly situation like that wasn't there. But also I feel like I always have been drawn to like toxic relationships where there's always that like really like passionate like start and then it just like completely fails. Like he is just he's like the quintessential

nice guy, like my best friend. He's such a sweet, like, good man, but like, I don't know if that's, like, enough. I don't know if I should, like, give it a shot or I should wait. I don't know what to do. I know I'm, like, young, but. Yeah. Well, I think that's important to remember that you're, you know, kind of still figuring things out, you know, and that's okay in terms of, like, what you're looking for? Like, what's your dating history look like in general? So I have always just kind of been like a relationship girl. Like I've never really been like single for too long. I mean,

I've always kind of known what I wanted. And I come from like an immigrant family where, you know, you don't really date around too much and you get married and you get married young. And so I like, I've always jumped from guy to guy trying to find like something. And it's always been like really toxic relationships. One of my exes had BPD. The most recent one.

What's BPD? Really sweet. What is that? Borderline personality. disorder. It's similar to bipolar, and it was undiagnosed. So that was like a train wreck. And the one that the most recent X, it was really disappointing because I loved him a lot, but we were just on completely different like wavelengths when it comes to life. And it was just getting really toxic, really fast within a year. So we kind of cut it off about like two months ago.

What's stopping you from this guy who's coming out, just being open to the possibility of of, I mean, I also like what, what is the cadence of communication you have with Mr. Best Friend these days? Since I got out of my relationship, like every day. Every day. And when you were in that relationship, I'm assuming Mr. Best Friend you weren't talking to. No, no. Like, he, he's been kind of like my shoulder to cry on, for lack of a better word. And he's always been very, like, he's older.

he's he's always liked me he's kind of been pining for me while I've been in a relationship uh six years older are you talking about other relationships with him what do you mean like these toxic you know your last boyfriend how much have you opened up to mr best friend about your last boyfriend a lot to the point that he's kind of like my therapist which i don't know is like a good thing you know starting off like he knows everything about my failed relationship And he's like, it's like a weird dynamic where he is my friend. So we do have that like friendly like

conversation. He has been there for me and like support him for me through this breakup. But at the same time he's always been like, I really want to give this a shot. And I think like we could really be like great together. Does he recognize his, does he recognize when he's giving you advice or or trying to be trying to listen and just kind of be a support system for you, which is all well intentioned, no doubt? Does he recognize his. biasness in a way? Yeah, he does. He tries to like, like remove himself for the situation. But he's always been a very good like communicator. I've actually, we got into like a fight the other day for the first time. It was our first fight. And the way that he resolved it was really mature. And I've

always had that issue with partners like in communication. How did he resolve it? He took accountability. It was essentially I found out that one of his friends that I had previously known about was actually an ex that he dated for three years. And he kind of, he talked about this person a lot and essentially like didn't tell me that that was his ex. And like I felt like I was kind of lied to a little misled about who this person is in his life. And he's like, you know what? I was being a coward. I didn't know how to tell you. I'm so sorry.

I want to do it again. And like accountability, very mature. So I was like, hmm, that's new. That's different. I'm usually used to people not taking accountability. Okay. Well, I, listen, I, you know, I don't think as far as like, what do you have to lose is the short answer to seeing where this. My sanity.

Okay. Fair. Why? Why your sanity? Because I feel like he's like the only good, like, genuinely good person. Like if I had to pick like the best person I know, it would be him. And I'm like so scared that if I start this with him, it's going to like it's either going to end or it's going to go great. And if it ends, like I feel like I don't know if I can take any more of like disappointment.

Like, and I'm I know I'm only 24, but I feel like I've been disappointed so much like I'm about to be like a bitter cat lady at the age of 25. We'll give yourself some grays. Yeah. Yeah, I think the hardest part, you know, at saying at your age or whatever, I guess it doesn't matter at any age. But I think your feelings are normal. And after, you know, disappointment, yeah, like you don't want to be disappointed again. The bad news, I guess, for you is like, you're just going to have to get used to this in a way. And I think you're more resilient.

You're more resilient than I think you're giving yourself credit for, all right? And what you described is this part of the process of, like, like finding your person, you know, and, you know, like, when you say, when I, when I hear you saying this, it's like, I almost want to be like, well, duh, you know, like, yes, of course, it's either going to go really well or, or it's going to end and you're going to be really sad, you know, but if you're not willing to risk your feelings, risk your heart, then you probably will never find what you're looking for, you know, and that's kind of the catch-22 of, of dating and being vulnerable, you know?

I've also talked about this with my therapist. Okay. And she kind of said that I'd get bored. Like, he's, like, he's too nice that, like, he just kind of gives me whatever I want. And I'm really used to that, like, toxicity, you know? And he's just, like, just a sweetheart. Like, there's not, it's not too difficult with him. It's too easy.

And that, like, I guess I crave that, like, fire. I don't know, that, like, passion, that push and pull. I mean, I'm, at least I know that. I'm like self-aware of that fact, at least. But I don't know. Well, he's also not usually my type. What do you mean by that? Like, physically he's not my type.

Like, he's a good-looking dude. And I think that once he comes to my city and he's going to be a single bachelor, he'll have no problem picking up guys. He's six-two, which is rare to find in my city. And he's a good-looking guy, but just, I don't know. I don't know. I don't initially have that way. I'm assuming you mean he won't have no problem picking up women?

You said guys, but I'm assuming that was his time. Oh, sorry. That's like a good. You know, you know? Women. Well, I would say that it's a lot easier to, listen, we all have to train our future partners, right? You know, when we meet someone, they're strangers, we get to know them. Hopefully there's a lot of compatibility to work with, but people have to learn you and you have to learn them.

And you're going to meet people, whoever they are, where it's like not a perfect situation or you have different expectations. of what you like or don't like, and then you communicate that, whether that's your emotional needs, your physical needs, in the bedroom, so to speak, you know, and things like that.

And I think it's a lot easier to potentially, using Mr. Best Friend as an example, you've listed a lot of like pros and cons, right? You know, I like this about him. I don't like this about them, right? And they're all valid, right? You know, just because you've recognized

that the things that maybe, you have liked in the past there's other relationships, you've also connected a little bit of toxicity to that, that I don't think you can completely discount them as like valid wants and needs, right?

Like everyone likes to be challenged in relationships, right? Everyone likes to be pushed, right? We want to find our equal, right? We want, you know, and there's a balance there. It's a dance, right? And, you know, I guess I'm just saying

it's probably, it's probably going to be easier and healthier, hopefully that he could be someone who you could give this feedback to, right? And then they could sit with it and try to do something about that. And that feedback might, you know, one, things might change as you guys get into a relationship. You know, he's, he's here. But, you know, it could just be giving him a voice to push back, right? Right now, it's hard to evaluate how you guys would be in a relationship because you've never been in a relationship. You have a relationship. You've built this friendship. But he's still like pursuing you. He's still

trying to win your affection over. And how he will be once he has you, quote unquote, you know, has that security of like, this is my girlfriend. And I feel secure in that. And I'm not waking up every day, hoping she likes me, wondering if she likes me, et cetera, et cetera, could easily change his attitude for the better in a way that he finally. more of a voice and pushes back and communicates what he likes and doesn't like. And he might feel a little reluctant to do that now because he's just like not sure how you feel about him. So there's that element. Yeah.

That makes sense? I think I'm just hung up. Yeah. I'm just hung up on like with my last relationship. It was I kind of had that feeling where people say like, oh, you think it's the one. Like I felt that at first. With Mr. Best Friend?

No, no, no. With like the person I dated after I ended things. Gotcha. my best friend, like the person that I dated for the past, like, year, and it didn't work out. And I think I was so excited. And I was so, like, butterflies. And I was so, like, enamored by this person. And then I just, like, crashed so hard that was my best friend now, I don't really feel those, like, butterflies. He's just, like, reliable. Like, he's, like, the rock, you know. And I was like, I don't want to feel like I'm maybe settling for something that's comfortable and safe.

I don't know. I don't know how important that spark and that like passion like is in the beginning or if that's something that can like grow because I've never really experienced the growing part of it. Yeah. I mean, well, most of the time we don't give ourselves or the relationships we enter in a chance to grow because so we so often rely so heavily on that spark, right? The unexplainable. I don't know why I feel the way I do, but I feel this yearning for this person. But, you know, we've heard this from a lot of relationship experts about what that spark could potentially mean. And again, a lot, and I do like agree with it where it's just like often it's a trigger. It's an emotional response to feeling a little insecure and it'll feel like, you know, it's just like, I don't know how this person feels about me.

And you feel like so many your feelings are based off of this intangible feeling and then you want to keep that. but there's nothing really supporting that feeling other than you're really super physically attracted to them. They have a way of making you feel a little like, how do they feel about me? And then you kind of yearn for that more, right? And it's kind of, it could be, it's sometimes like a toxic response of like your body letting you know that this is like a little dangerous and a little uncertain, but that's exciting, you know, and things like that. you know, and when we're younger, we just, we kind of ignore the warning signs and lean into the excitement of it all. So, there's a good chance, yeah, that the, you know, I don't want to say the spark doesn't matter, but I, you know, I said this in my book, like compatibility is way more

important. Chemistry is also really hard to trust. Chemistry is often manufactured. You might have chemistry with someone because you, you know, you mentioned you have immigrant parents. You know, I don't know what but like maybe you met someone who has a similar background and you feel very connected to that right they go to the same church you have similar friends you you know something like that where it just feels like right you know but there's nearly nothing behind it so to speak that makes am i making any sense yeah and so go ahead definitely i think it's literally the opposite problem with the best friend that i have this compatibility and i'm not sure about the chemistry part yeah um Especially like when we kiss, like I had to almost, I never done this was like an older man having to be like, oh, like kiss differently or I don't like, I had to like kind of coach him a little bit. It would just like it was the situation almost like our lips did not like a line. I don't even know how to explain it. But it wasn't that immediate like I'm enamored with this situation.

It's fun to meet someone long distance because there's a lot of unique benefits to that, right? There's a it takes away some of the pressure that. comes with like physically meeting someone on a first date and that awkwardness right and that you can kind of you can slow things down and you're forced to talk about more emotional things rather than sexual things at first and there's it it makes a lot of sense you can build this bond and friendship the handful of women throughout my dating life that I met in in similar ways that you had where there was we would talk often on the phone and we'd get to know each other and then then later down the line we met up in person. There has never been a time where that happened for me where there wasn't a little awkwardness or weirdness with that. And I think that also comes from,

on one side, you have this deep connection with someone. You know them. You talk to them all the time. There's a familiarity. And with that familiarity comes great expectations. No doubt that when you guys met up in person for their first time, there were huge expectations that you both had, right? What is this going to be like is it gonna is it gonna a match how i felt when i talked about them and things like that but yet on on the flip side you still have never met them in person you know and it's just like there's so much built up pressure and expectation it's almost impossible for it not to be awkward right you know and i think that's i think that's pretty common so i'm not surprised to hear that like when you first met it was a little weird and a little awkward and you're both nervous and it's like a

Should I feel this way? Should I not feel this way? Am I doing it right? Am I not doing it right? I think that's pretty common. Okay. Because I've never had that situation before. I've never met someone long distance.

So I feel like I know them so well, but like also don't know them at all in real life. So there's a weirdness behind that. It's a weird situation. Yeah. And I think that's pretty common. Again, because it's like it's. And for you guys, right? Like when I met my wife, we talked for two weeks and they met in person.

So there wasn't like a huge rapport there. that we had. But like other women in my past were, you know, we, we met up, you know, after we really got to know each other, there is a, there can be a weirdness there, you know. Okay, that's good. That makes me feel better. Now, that doesn't mean that you're meant to be together. It's just more, I don't think awkwardness at first is a, is necessarily a bad thing, or it means, oh, we're not, we don't have chemistry. I do, I do, I do feel confident and think that chemistry can be built. And the chemistry that really matters

often needs to be built, you know, because the chemistry we feel initially has really nothing to do with who they are as a person, you know, and how they're going to provide or support you in a relationship and things like that. And that's why often when we meet someone

that we feel this intense chemistry with, and then we jump into a relationship solely based off this chemistry, it feels almost like we're liable. to because we are our experience doesn't match this intense chemistry we feel and by experience I mean you know you you start fighting quickly there's a lot of toxicity things like that and you you you know you're just like well why don't I feel good about this when I'm excited about this person or I'm in you know and things like that and that's just because it's mostly like ego driven decisions

when you're when you meet someone initially you feel that chemistry and that spark that chemistry and that nervousness is mostly your ego being like, you need to prove to yourself that you can win this person, you know, and type of stuff. Yeah. Does that make sense? I think it's also because he's coming, like, for Valentine's Day to see me. And I'm too, like, I'm going to be two months out of that relationship.

So I'm kind of just like over-analyzing the situation, wondering if it's also like maybe too soon to, like, move on. or I don't know if it is too soon or how much of a chance I should give this, especially if I didn't feel that chemistry at first. Like, it's kind of all over the place with anxiety. Totally. Well, one, I think two different things, right? I think it can both be too soon for you, right?

You're not ready to fully move on. You're not fully healed from that relationship. You are talking, you know. And then two, he might be someone that it would make sense to pursue, but maybe you're not ready. The problem you guys are having is like you've already entered back into this friendship, but you're talking every day, you have this rapport. And it's like, and that's where you feel this pressure of like you're getting yourself

into a situation. You're enjoying the comforts of his companionship. You enjoy talking to him. You know, he really is, he's serving a purpose for you. And it's helpful, right? But deep down, you know, and he knows that it's not. completely like, you know, he's not your therapist. He doesn't, he's not disconnected from the outcome, you know, he, he's invested in what you decide. And clearly that probably makes you feel

a little uncomfortable, you know, even though he's like, hey, you don't own me anything. It's like, yeah, but I know what you want, you know, type of thing. And there's a little bit of pressure there. In general, like, people you date, I would, I would, people you're considering dating or people you date, you know, just be careful how much you're opening about past relationships, you know. It's one thing to like let your new partner know about your relationship history or things you've experienced and let them in, but they might not be the person who you really count on to like help you process all those feelings, if that makes sense. Yeah, he was though. Like that shift has already said like he was the person that helped me process how my previous relationship ended,

mainly because I felt like he had the, it was nice coming from like a guy's perspective and having like a really emotionally like mature person kind of validate like, hey, I'm not asking for too much from my ex. Like this, this was like I had like every right to be upset about what happened because there's one thing talking to your girlfriends about it and there's another talking to a man that understands you.

And like he tried to remove himself the best like. No, I get it. Like it's not a perfect situation. But like I still think. there's something to be said about maybe slowing down there and making sure that and and and and and and and and let him know and again if he's really this emotional mature person that you think he is then he should be able to understand you know and that will probably make you feel better about things you know he's not fully moving in until months later so he's just coming to like visit me and see me but when you're fully moving

to buy himself he's not moving in with you correct no no but my my city my city, yeah, from another state. And is Valentine's Day coincidence, or is he coming to spend Valentine's with you? He wanted to see me because it's been like about a year since we've seen each other. And it just happened to be a coincidence because there's President's Day after. So he had the day to take on Monday. But also, I'm sure he does want to spend Valentine's Day with me. I don't know.

He probably plans something. Well, I mean, that's, and how does that make you feel? excited and scared because I feel like I just spent the holidays with my ex and then this really sweet wonderful man is coming and I just I'm not even sure if I like fully like like like like him that much and I know he's in on me yeah and it's just a lot going on sure well that incited excited and scared feeling that you're feeling is normal but also probably speaks to that toxic side that you talked about because it's like you there's a, it sounds like there's a part of you that deep down knows that like this could get a little bit messy. This might not be the smartest decision. But hey, Valentine, like, I, you know, I won't, I won't be alone on Valentine's Day and he's a really nice guy and I'll probably have fun and, you know, but like, and the nervousness is also kind of excitement and Yolo, you know.

Yeah. Because to me, it's like the smart thing to do would be to like set some healthy boundaries with this guy. and right off the bat, just be like, I am excited to see, you know, have you talked to him about these feelings towards him? I mean, not really, because I don't know how to explain to a guy that really likes me that I'm not sure if I really like him. It's like a weird conversation I have that I, I know I could have it. Like, I know that he could take those emotions, but I just don't know how to, like, word that. Okay.

Well, we can, we can workshop it. Like, how? just try it out. I'm him. We're sitting down and what would you like to say to me to just take some of the pressure off of the first time meeting up again and you want to communicate in a healthy way that doesn't hurt his feelings but makes him understand where you're coming from. Do I say that I want to spend like Valentine's Day as friends or like that, you know, he means a lot to me, but I'd want to maybe see how we're like more so in person before we kind of take that next step. Something like that. You want, you know, it's like, it's like when you're

delivering bad news, you always want to sandwich it in between like something pot, you know, the whole like sandwich. It's just like, hit him with something nice in the middle. It's like, hey, by the way, I'm just not, you know, my feelings are a little confused. And by the way, you're, you're great. Something like that, you know. I would probably, it would, would be, it would probably be something like this where you're just like, can I talk to you about us, you know, and then you start by saying everything you value, you know, this is what I think about you. And I, my, our, my friendship with you matters a lot to me. And you've really been there for me. And I see a lot of great qualities in you. And it's new for me, to be honest with you. You know a

little bit about my dating history. Obviously, I've been in some toxic relationships. And what I value about our relationship is I don't have a lot of those toxic feelings with you. On the flip side, I, you know, I, as you know, I just got out of this relationship and I don't want to pretend that I'm not fully healed from that, you know? And I just really want to take things slow because I do think we have this rapport. But when in terms of us being like actually a couple, I'm still processing those feelings. And when you come into town, I really just want to take things really slow and I just don't want to have any expectations. And I don't want to like play boyfriend and girlfriend and things like that. And just kind of talk about the pace rather that, you know, you don't have to say like,

I really like you, but I'm not sure how I feel about your, our chemistry. You know, you don't have to hit him with that. It can just be, I'm not totally healed yet. And I really want to take things slow. And if I do explore this with you, I just, I really, I want to do things differently than I have in the past and something like that, you know? Yeah, that I don't want to play boyfriend and girlfriend is a really good thing to say. I feel like that's how I feel. Yeah. And just kind of go from there, you know, it's just like, you do have the right to slow things down, um, without him getting so bent out of shape about it. And if he really is this emotional, mature guy that you think he is, he'll understand. Yeah, he keeps bringing up my ex a lot, which you were right when you said maybe don't talk to a new potential partner about your past relationships, because he does bring that up.

And like what? Like I don't even want to think about that. Like asking me some questions, like if we're flirting, he'd be like, oh, did he do that? Or like little comments wondering how my relationship was with my ex. And I'm like, I don't want to talk about him anymore. You said that to him? Yeah, like I don't want to talk about my ex. And what's his response to that?

He said fair, and then he kind of just like keeps bringing up. I think he's just curious because he's heard so much about him and the relationship just ended. And I don't think this is good. If you and I were to ever be a thing, you shouldn't be like asking details about the good things of my last relationship. And what did he say? I didn't say that part to him.

I just kind of said that I don't, I said it once. I don't really want to talk about it anymore. And he just kind of like still ask questions. once in a while and sometimes I answer sometimes I like try to change the topic of conversation. Okay. Well, yeah, I think that that's where you could say something like, listen, I know I've counted on you to talk about this relationship. So that's on me. So I don't want to make you feel like you're doing something wrong. But like you said, like I don't, I just want to be totally honest. I just, I, this is our relationship and how we started this relationship and this friendship

is very different for me. And so it's just like, it's different. And I'm processing that. And I really need to take things slow. And I can't promise you how I'm going to feel, but I really appreciate how, you know, and tell them what you appreciate about it. But, well, I know I've asked you and counted on you in the past talk about my past feelings. It, you know, because I do like you and I do consider, I do think about the possibility of us being more than what we are now, I don't want you to be my therapist. you know, and I don't want you to be my best guy friend potentially. And he should like that, you know, without the promise or the guarantee that this, you know, you're saying this because you want to move forward with him.

You're just kind of laying the groundwork for the possibility of moving forward with him. And he should totally understand that. And again, his bringing it up is now he's kind of like, he's probably in this kind of confused state of, like, I got the green light to ask her about this stuff. and now he's a little confused and maybe he's trying to not do what your ex did you know and he's kind of like maybe in the weeds of you know he's not really sure what to do so I think you guys

just need you know you probably need to speak up a little bit more about how you're feeling with the confidence of knowing that there's no wrong way for you to feel you know these are all natural feelings but you're just you're not totally confident communicating it with him because you know you kind of like him but you're not sure you know he likes you he's also played this role of friend and therapist that has been

beneficial at times but then sometimes feels a little weird because of you know how the relationship's going and i think you guys need to talk about that and put it out there and see how he is how he how he responds yeah i i feel like definitely i also it'd be curious to see him i thought maybe when he comes here that he should be maybe single for a little bit because i wanted to see like would I be jealous if I seem flirting with another girl at a bar or something? Like, would I, like, I don't know. Maybe I just, like, really want that, like, passion. I don't know that I'm trying to, like, manufacture it.

But he's just, like, very, like, I don't want to be single. Like, if you're open to it, like, I want to date you. Like, he's very in on me so much so that it kind of, like, scares me a little bit. Okay. Have you told him that? Oh, I said it's a little overwhelming. Okay. And then what was this one?

There was a, he makes like these jokes sometimes that can be a little too much where I was like, I saw this post that's like, ask your partner what nickname they've always wanted to call you. And I asked him that. And he goes, wife. And I'm like, oh, okay. Well, you kind of set yourself up there. Yeah, but I didn't think that would be the response. You know, like I thought like darling or like something, I don't know, something corny. I didn't think it would be like wife.

I was like, oh, okay. So he's very like open and honest that he's like waiting for me. And that, like, freaks me out, like, a tad bit. Yeah. Pretty natural response. But I don't want to lose a good guy, you know? That's the thing. Like, I don't want to push him away.

I don't want to lose out on, like, a really genuinely nice guy that I feel, like, safe with. Yeah, those are really great qualities to have in a relationship. I think you just probably, I think you just need to take the pressure, try to take the pressure off yourself and this relationship. And I think the only way to do that is just try to communicate with. him. And again, what you have with this guy is, for the most part, like these open lines of healthy communication. But when it really requires honesty from you about how you feel, you're not taking advantage of that open line of communication with him, if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, that makes And just try it out, try to, you know, see how he feels.

Okay. Yeah. That's a good idea. I think, you know, like this, if you do, assuming you hang out with them, it would probably be best to keep things slow on the physical side. Okay. I mean, do what you want, obviously. But like, just try not to add unnecessary pressure, you know, I think, you know, like, it would

make sense for you to be like, oh, yeah, the first time we hooked up, it was a little awkward. let's see how the second time we hook up is. But there's a good chance you're still going to have that awkwardness because of that pressure. You know, it's just like, oh, well, this time it needs to be really good. And then like, oh, my God, that's going to be going to be tough, you know. Yeah, that's kind of how I feel. I'm thinking, like, I really hope it's, like, goes off without a hitch this time, like, kind of situation. But it might be, it might be, it will be a real challenge for it not to be awkward.

because I think there's so much pressure built up by both of you to make this time work as opposed to like, I don't know, just some random spur of the moment feeling where it just feels organic. Yeah. So I would maybe like slow that down. And listen, if it feels like you're better off going into that situation, I'm going to take it really slow. We're not going to get physical. Maybe there's a handhold there. I don't know.

And listen, if the moment strikes and it feels like, a real like passionate moment yolo go for it right that's different than like almost like all right we're going to hang out and i guess tonight we'll hook up and i guess we'll see how it goes and you know what i'm saying and kind of like map it out in your brain it's almost impossible for it not to be awkward yeah i'm a planner and a control freaks that that makes sense i need to like go with the flow i guess yeah to the best of my ability and yeah good that you have it maybe your plan should be to not something, you know, and to hold off and it could always wait. And, you know, if it's right, then it will happen at the right time. And if it doesn't feel right, then you'll probably

won't regret not hooking up with them, you know, that can always, that can always come. But you have had great sex with bad partners before, right? So the quality of sex up front doesn't really predict a healthy relationship, you know, and it's a bit misleading because obviously we want great sex with their partner, you know, it's like, that feels like a minimum. But I think sometimes we put the cart before the horse and then we will feel this like insane chemistry. We have great with sex with someone. And so much of our desire to make a relationship work is based off this sense chemistry and great sex. But like, you know, you don't know how to communicate. You don't know how to solve problems. You don't feel like it's a safe space to open up.

They get easily triggered. They react and things like that. And next thing you know, you have this kind of toxic relationship. Yeah, you just described my ex in like one sentence, like great sex, great chemistry, very like romantic dates. But when he came to like communication and speaking my feelings, it was like invalidating my feelings and all the toxic cycles. So yeah, I think this is this, this is just a new, quite honestly, this is like a new and generally healthier way to approach a relationship. It's just like so untraditional and kind of boring in a way. Kids are I said that out loud to one of my friends. I was like, this feels a little boring. But, you know, it's not that boring, you know, because you still have that uncertainty and, you know, it's just a little,

and I don't run from boring, I guess is probably the biggest takeaway. You can decide that's not for you, but boredom, you know, boredom can be a great part of a relationship to feel bored and content with someone is generally a good sign. You know, you're always going to get bored at some point, you know. Is this helpful at all? I don't know. Yeah, that that was really helpful. I think you just, like, validated that, like, it's okay for things to get boring and just kind of see where it goes and play it out. And I will, like, talk to him about slowing things down. Yeah, I think for you guys, it's just really important for you to feel safe and comfortable with you setting healthy boundaries for yourself, knowing that some of those boundaries might be,

frustrating for him to hear, potentially upsetting. And there's that part of you, probably, that is used to these toxic relationships and not speaking up when things feel off and hoping they go away. And you're kind of mimicking that pattern with this healthy relationship. It's actually the opposite. I've like spoken up. I'm like, I don't hold things in. I usually speak up so much, but it always gets shut down or invalidated. Like, I would bring things up to all my exes, before and I'd always communicate how I feel I'm not the type of girl that kind of just holds it in. I'd try to communicate in the best, nicest way. And it would just get like shut down or like ignored or invalidated or what about,

that he would be like, well, what about my feelings? And I'm like, well, can we get to yours after we discuss mine? Like that kind of situation. So now that I have like, I don't know, a nice guy, I don't know, for some reason I'm like a little more scared to open up. I guess I'm like scared of that happening again. Okay. Well, try it out. I don't know why. Well, I mean, well, you know why because it hasn't, you know, because you have a history

of it being disappointed when you try to express your feelings. Yeah. You know. Hopefully this time's different. We'll see. Yeah, we'll see. But, you know, listen, give yourself grace. You are only 24. That doesn't mean you have to discount yourself or discredit your experiences and your knowledge about what you need and don't need. You also can just be patient and give yourself grace that, like, you know, you just haven't found your person.

And, you know, you're only two months removed from this painful breakup. That's normal. It might make, you know, maybe in a weird way, your desire to have, you know, like, you want him to be single for a while and maybe get jealous, but maybe that's you also telling yourself, I want to be single for a while. And I'm so used to, like, jumping in and out of relationships. and I barely even healed from this past relationship and I have this guy I have this huge familiarity with who is really pursuing me hard and right now he's on some kind of timeline of us becoming a couple

and I'm not even healed yet so how am I going to heal from this relationship while I'm trying to figure out whether this next relationship is good for me? How do you know when you're healed? I feel like that's like I never really understood that part. So, you know, there's no, it's a process, you know, I guess it's more than anything, how much time, you know, you just think about it less and less, you know, it comes up less and less, you know, the, when you are triggered by whatever, right now, I'm guessing when you're triggered relationship wise, there, it brings up a lot of past memories from this relationship, right? You know, you hear a song, you see something that reminds you of something. It can be a little triggering, you feel. You feel. You. You feel. You. You. You it in your body and just you have a little anxiety you know and that's kind of like a sign of

you're not being healed you know over time you when you get triggered by something eventually you will something that's triggered you in the in the past couple of months you feel something three or four months from now you might be triggered by something similar and you will realize i'm less bothered by that i didn't have to reach out to a friend or talk to my therapist about it and things like that you know you're are able to process it pretty quickly and by yourself, you know, and usually that's a sign of you healing. Yeah. I don't really reach out to friends anymore about like my past breakup. It's like I, I do kind of just process it and move on because the disappointment was already building in the relationship. It's not something that just kind of happened out of nowhere. So I guess I started processing

it during. Yeah. And you're probably like for the most part, mostly healed, right? Like you know that relationship wasn't right for you. You're not, you know, so much of that first, you know, like you talk about acceptance. You know, a lot of times when we have a hard time moving on, because we haven't accepted that the relationship that ended needed to end, right? You know, we're sad. We're, you know, we feel rejected. So sometimes we ignore, you know, all the obvious signs of like this relationship wasn't good for me, but you feel rejected, maybe because they left or whatever, you feel like they stole your power. So you're, you're more. You're more. processing like the why, you know, why did this end as opposed to like, you know, and but deep down,

you know, well, the why, the why is this wasn't a good relationship for me, but your ego's bruised and things like that, but it doesn't sound like that's where you're at. You know the why, right? You're not sitting there being like, wondering if, oh, well, if he fixes this and I fix that, maybe we can be better. You know, you're not, you're not, you're just kind of sad and it hurt a little bit. And right now, maybe your healing has more to do with the fact that like that pain is still relatively raw. Like you've accepted it as maybe the right and healthy thing, but it still hurts, right? You know?

And so yeah, maybe you are, it sounds like maybe you're just on the path and all you need is a little bit of time, you know, time to like, because right now you're juggling your emotional feelings about the breakup and then how you feel about him all while. also considering his feelings. And while he's not your boyfriend, you still have a relationship with him and you feel some kind of obligation to care for him emotionally.

Yeah. And that's a relationship of some kind. Yeah, it's a lot. And that's pressure, right? You know, and you're not quite ready to be juggling your feelings of sadness while also juggling his feelings and making sure he's okay while he makes sure you're okay.

you're just not ready for that yet. Yeah, it's a mess. Yeah. Well, no, you know, it's not a mess. It's just where you're at. And that's okay, you know? You know, like, you don't have to conflate something more than it is. Like, it's, I think everything you're going through right now is totally normal.

And it's okay. I just don't have a lot of friends that went through this. Like, all my friends kind of found their person really early on. And I feel like I'm like the train wreck of relationships. Well, that's where you need to give yourself a ton of grace. That's where you have, I am only 24. And congratulations to my friends who found their person. And while I don't wish any negativity on your friends and their relationship,

you don't know how those relationships are going to play out, right? Statistics tell you that half of those relationships won't work out. You're not here to root for them or against them. You're just happy for them. But like, as you know, the comparison is the thief of joy. And their ability to find people when they found people has nothing to do with your relationship happiness and things like that. And part of maturity is just kind of your ability to separate, you know,

the relationships around you and your relationship, be happy for them without being sad for yourself or comparing yourself or telling you yourself that you're doing something wrong. You have different standards, expectations, desires, dreams that are probably different than your friends. And it's just, you know, a little bit of luck. but definitely don't compare yourself. You're not some mess.

You know, you're only 24 and you've taken some risks. They didn't work out. You've learned a little bit along the way. You are learning things about your emotional needs that your friends haven't learned yet, you know, quite frankly, you know. And they're like, if one of these friends, three years from now, realizes they don't want to be with their person or things happen and they get disappointed, you might be a great friend to them because you have an experience.

in this that they don't have yet, you know? And that's this kind of part of life, you know? So instead of telling yourself that you're this mess of a dater and that you don't have, all your friends have their shit figured out and you're just a hot mess, maybe just give yourself a little bit grace and say, like, this is where I'm at today and it's okay. I'm only 24. I still have plenty of time. I've learned a lot about myself in the relationships that serve me and don't serve me.

And while like, yeah, it would be not. nice to have someone right now, I'm totally okay with being alone and thinking about what you do have and things like that and just taking it easy on yourself. You have a little bit of unnecessary pressure you're adding to this situation that needs to happen. And just let it play out. And in the meantime, with him setting some healthy boundaries and communicating your feelings at the risk of being disappointed to see how he handles it and see if he is willing to take things slow. And you can say, listen, like sometimes when you say things like wife, that's a little heavy for me right now, it's flattering, but I'm just, I'm not there yet, you know, and I see a lot of good

potential with us, but I just, I need to really slow it down, you know, because I'm having, I'm having a hard time juggling the pain of this relationship and healing while like, figuring out whether we're a match or not. Yeah, yeah, definitely. And thank you for like, making me not feel like a mess. I feel like I needed to hear that. Yeah, you're definitely not a mess. You're just a normal 24-year-old figuring it out, you know, and you've taken some risks, and that's okay. And you know, and if you're willing to learn, you're going to learn a lot, you know, that, you know, adversity is a great thing, if channeled correctly. And if you want to compare yourself to your friends, they can, don't forget to give yourself some credit and acknowledge

what you have, then maybe they don't. don't have, not to compare and compete, but just to, you guys are on different paths and that's okay. Yeah. Definitely. Thank you. So if I view, I would take him up on spending some time with him over Valentine's Day weekend while setting some upfront expectations and healthy boundaries for yourself and communicating to him what you need from him. And it sounds like the thing you need most from him is no pressure. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. Definitely. A long time ago, I, one of the relationships I spoke to you about, you know, I met this girl. We had this phone relationship. Eventually, after several months, I went out and visited her. And leading up to that visit, you know, there was some sexual chemistry and I was kind of talking about what would happen when we met and things like that. And I sensed that she was feeling a little,

I was going to go visit her, right? And it kind of felt like we had talked so much about what it would be like when we met up. I felt like she felt like there was this maybe expectation of us hooking up. So before I reached out, before I came out, I sent her this text. I was like, yo, listen, I'm really excited to see you.

I know that we're going to have a good time. And that's all that really matters to me. and I have no expectations about this weekend other than just like you showing me around and us having a good time. And I know we've talked a lot and joked a lot about like the physical side, but like I just want you to know, I have absolutely no expectations. And, you know, like I just wanted to ease her mind on that. And she replied back like with a lot of appreciation for that. And then I flew out there and we hooked. up within the first five minutes.

But a lot of it... That's exactly what happened. You know, but like, part of it is just taking the pressure off, right? You know? And even then it was still a little awkward. So just, you know, because it was like, again, you still have that pressure. But you just needed to communicate to him what you need from him. And what you need is so valid.

And you should never feel like it's not okay. Because disappointing him is inevitable. What really matters is how he handles that disappointment. The first time around, go ahead. The first time around, he did say something very similar to what you just said about, like, taking the pressure off, like, the first time we met, he made me feel really safe. And like, that's that we're going to have a great time regardless.

Yeah. So that's good to hear. I think this time he's just like, oh, this is finally my shot. Like, she's finally single. Like, I'm finally moving. Like, it just adds so much more to it. But you're right. I need to, like, communicate with it.

You just need to kind of speak up and let him know. and it sounds like he will handle it just fine. And I think if you do pursue a relationship with this guy, when I was brought up earlier, that little coaching is like, maybe he needs permission to just speak up about what he wants from you. He's so careful about what he says

that like without saying, hey, I want you to be a little toxic and I want you to be an asshole to me and things like that. It's just more like, sometimes I just, you can say, like sometimes when you say things, you're really considerate of my feelings, but I don't really know how you,

other than like you want to marry me someday, I, you know, I don't really know, I just want to know like if you're mad or, you know, I just, I want to feel like I'm getting an authentic reaction from you. And sometimes I feel like you're always, you know, wanting to say the right thing to me. And I really appreciate that of support, but I also just want to like exist with you. And I want to just learn about what upsets you. And I want to learn about some of your bad habits. And I just want to like be, you know, because right now there's, it's a lot of like, you opening up to him. He's a little older. He's got this lived experience that in some areas, maybe you don't. He's trying to be helpful, but it's also like, it's blurring the lines between romantic partner and, like, friend who you

kind of, you know, open up to. And it's just like, wait, are you my best friend therapist or are you a guy of potentially dating? And it's like, it's a, you know. Yeah. And I don't think anyone's doing anything wrong, but I think it does require someone, probably you, setting these new expectations and boundaries and just dealing with how he reacts to it in a healthy way. Yeah, I will do that. Thank you. Cool. All right. Well, keep us posted how it goes. I will. Thanks so much, Nick. I really appreciate it. All right. Have a good one. You too. All right, bye-bye.