The Viall Files - E1090 Ask Nick - 50 First Dates and Still No Boyfriend

Episode Date: March 9, 2026

"Our first caller went on 50 dates last year and still hasn't found her person…so what is going wrong? Our second caller is done playing games and wants to know if it's finally time to block her situationship for good. And our third caller is stuck in an impossible position: her best friend's boyfriend is, and I quote, 'the world's biggest piece of shit,' and she has no idea how to show up for her friend without losing her mind." "It's a lot easier to hang out with people when you accept who they are." Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday. Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick's Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with "Texting Office Hours" in the subject line!  To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: IQ Bar - And right now, IQBAR is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off all IQBAR products—including the Ultimate sampler pack—plus FREE shipping. To get your 20% off, text FILES to 64000. Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. Mint Mobile - If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop plans at https://mintmobile.com/viall The RealReal - The RealReal is the most trusted name in authenticated luxury resale, With over ten thousand new arrivals daily, no one does resale like The RealReal. And now, get $25 OFF off your first purchase when you go to https://therealreal.com/files  Bilt - Join the loyalty program for renters at https://joinbilt.com/viall  Make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you. Quo - Make this the season where no opportunity — and no customer — slips away. Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://Quo.com/viall Quo — no missed calls, no missed customers.  BiOptimizers - Go to https://bioptimizers.com/viallfiles and use our exclusive code VIALL15 to get 15% off any order. Make 2026 the year you finally start sleeping great again. Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (02:14) - Caller One (40:32) - Caller Two (1:10:05) - Caller Three Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @the_mare_bare @izeweaver

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I'm Ali. I'm 31. I lost 200 pounds, went on 48 dates last year and I've seen. still never had a boyfriend. Okay. All right. Well, tell me more. Yeah. I mean, I was a late bloomer to dating. I like made it my 2025 resolution to like go at it really hard. Someone told me like dating is about getting your reps in. So I took that literally and went on a date with like anyone I could get with. Okay. Get a match with. I also went to like nine dating events on top of that, speed dating mixers. So I met a lot of people. I got in a few like situationships got close, but I feel like my lack of experience ended up turning people off. And it's not something I can change, but I'm just wondering, like, how do I communicate that maybe? Maybe you don't have to communicate it. Walk me through

what you think would be like a typical conversation you would have on like a first or second day when when kind of talking about yourself as it relates to like dating history or things like that. Or what are some things that you found yourself often saying is like your talk track or your pitch or whatever, you know? Yeah. I mean, I feel like that comes up in the first few dates, especially like I, on the apps, I have like I want a long term relationship. That's who I'm matching with people who I'm hoping are similarly minded. So I think that comes up like how long have you been single? One was your last relationship? Because that's something also I want to know about them pretty early on, to be fair, I guess.

So I think I have maybe gotten better in some ways about not coming out with like, guess what? I've never been in a relationship. But it does feel like something I don't want to lie about either. Well, I mean, like maybe it's just not. I would be willing to bet you're internalizing it or maybe that's not the word or making it way more of a thing than it actually is. And then projecting that in ways you're not realizing on dates. regarding your weight loss, does that ever come up? Oh, yeah.

And I think that's like another big part of this too. I mean, I don't like, I've learned not also to lead with that because I feel like that also, I'm not honestly sure which one it is that is making me not have luck because there were four times in the last year where I dated like kind of got in situationships, got close and then things kind of ended out of the blue. And I feel like it is when they kind of start to put it together either like, I mean, you can kind of tell, I think at a certain point I have like loose skin and stuff like that. Or if they found old pictures of me online or and or the lack of relationship. Because I have had people explicitly say like that's a concern for me. And maybe that's just the reason they're giving me to because they don't want to be a dick and say something about weight loss. But I think there could be some truth to that. Yeah. I think. I think, you know, them saying, oh, your lack of a dating experience is a concern for me. I don't think I've ever met a man who really gave a shit about it at the end of the day.

If you are what they really wanted, so to speak, and by you, I mean, just like anyone. And you're right. Yeah, it's just a lot. It sounds like a lot nicer than I, you know, but I would imagine, you know, to think about your typical assumptions people might make, you know, how did you lose it? you know, a lot of those potentially really rude and kind of, yeah, just, you know, things like that. I would be willing to bet it's a lot. Any guy who says that's a concern is probably lying to you about that. Yeah. That is like such a tough swallow. And I think I like knew that deep down.

But I like the reason why I wrote in is because I mean, I've like listened for a long time because I like wanted another opinion on it because my friends say certain things. My friends. boyfriend say certain things, I think, because they want to be nice to me. But it does feel like the weight loss is such a big thing that I'm having to fight against, which sucks because I worked so hard. And like, I think it's made me a better person in a lot of ways going through this experience. For sure. Well, I'm going to be a better partner. You have to, you know, I think, one, you really got to give yourself some grace here. I think there's a lot going on at once with you, you know? And you're just, I think, having a harder time processing it.

Going on 48 dates in a year is a lot, you know. And on some level, I commend you. You're right. Because like dating is for someone who felt like they didn't have a lot, who lacked experience. And I imagine with your weight loss, you gain more confidence in your ability to go out there. And you probably felt like people, especially initially,

reacted differently to you and things like that. And that was probably exciting. But on some level, well, I mean, it's a little, extreme, right? But you were very intentional, it sounds like. You're like, I'm going to go on a lot of dates. Like it was you, you knew what you were doing, right? And you did. And I hope, and I imagine you got a lot of practice, right? You, you, I hope and I imagine like within those 48 dates, there were some fun, exciting moments. There were. Yeah. That's the thing I can say. I got a lot of experience. It was tough because I feel like I went and like even still now, I'm going through things that like my

friends went through it like 21, 22, and I'm 31. So it's kind of weird. Like even since I wrote in, I had like yet another situation ship that just ended Sunday. So I've actually, it's funny, like now talking because I kind of resolved in the last like few days to just give up for a little bit, not give up, but like take a break because the juice does not seem worth the squeeze. Well, I think after 48 dates in a year, a break could be good, you know, a little vacant. from dating. Yeah, what did you? I mean, I'm curious.

What are some experiences that you learn from? I'm actually like curious how you would react to this. What my, like one of my major takeaways is that I feel like men don't think as much about what they do or say and women overthink. Like to me, there were moments where someone would say something or like do something. If it was like,

kissing my forehead like gazing into my eyes like saying how much fun they're having and how much they care about me and i would take that as oh this is good they're into me like this is going somewhere and so when it ended i would be like really upset over it but i think looking back now i'm like oh i think a lot of the times they're just saying that we're like where i wouldn't necessarily say anything like that or like gaze into their eyes lovingly if that didn't mean something to me. Yeah. And I realize that's a wide brush to paint with, but I feel like it's actually kind of true.

Yeah, I think there's a lot of truth to it. I think, yeah, I think, I think in general in dating, especially when it comes to like emotional moments, you know, I think women probably, it's probably fair to say women are more intentional than men. Yeah. And I also think a lot of men are, you know, trying things. I want to, maybe not trying things out, but it's just like, you know, you, you, want to be suave and you're you're you want to be a romantic and you want to like yeah they're like

living in the moment oh and also like i you know i've i've i've felt that at times as a guy you know and hell i felt like that when i was a bachelor for there are a lot of moments you know granted it's different because you know there's one of one of them as many of me and you know and as the lead you realize you do have to fake feelings um and you do have to kind of be insincere on the flip side on the receiving end, you're reading in every little moment. You're like, but you, but you said that to me. And we had that moment, you know, there was, you know, a moment that comes to mine is when at the end of the second bat charrette, you know, it was like, but you, why did you say you love me? And she's like, but I did. And I was like, you know, you did it. You're about to

pick someone else. And, and, and, and then she goes, this is how, that's how I felt in the moment. And I was like, how I felt for you was greater than a moment. I thought it was like all suave and things like that. And, you know, but that, I think is often true in dating is that, like, some of us are a little bit more intentional. Some of us are a little bit more reserved. Some people are just like, if it feels good in this moment, let's just go with it. And like, it's not that serious. And like, I don't know, like, I looked into your eyes and gave you a kiss. And, you know, in that moment, I felt these feelings that felt like love. So I fuck it. I said, I love you, you know, like, you know, why is there, why is that a crime, you know? And I think, you know, I don't, what you do with that,

I don't know. I mean, I think the reality is, I think you, you kind of, it's, I think these dates that you went on over the past year will, you know, you've definitely played catch up, you know, and I think more than anything, well, I don't think you need to give up. I think a break is nice, but I think 48 dates, uh, in a year, whatever you lost in experience, you know, I think you've, you're, you've caught up. So I think now maybe you can just kind of go at a pace that you're more comfortable with. And I think now you can be a lot pickier about who you go on dates with and who you open up with. And now when you start dating, like, you're going to have to strike that balance between cynicism and optimism, you know, um, like I've, I've said this before and I've talked

about this. Like, you know, when I was in my early 20s, I was definitely more of like the young, I guess hopeless romantic kind of, you know, like I, you know, and I think a lot of people are. It's just like you feel good feelings early on and like, this feels good. So let's, let's date, you know, let's, this can't be bad. So yeah, of course, I would want to be your boyfriend if you would like to be my girlfriend, you know, and then you date and you fight and whatever, you break up. And then as you get older, as well, at least as I got older, you know, experiences that you have, right, like that experience on a TV show, as silly as it was, like, you know,

was a bit of a learning lesson for me where it's just like, yes, some people don't think like me or operate like me. So now I can be, you know, when people say things to me, I'm not just quick to like be so naive to assume I'm that great, right? You know, it's just like, you know, because when you're younger and you have high confidence in yourself, you're like, of course you love me. I'm sure there. And on your case, like, I hope you got a lot more confidence from all this hard work you put into yourself. On the flip side, that confidence might have been a bit of a a catch 22, your subconscious brain been like, yeah, I mean, like, who wouldn't, you know, who wouldn't want this at this point, right? And then, you know, in a way, and then like you, they change their

mind and it kind of fucks with you a little bit. But, but yeah, I think maturing in dating is, is kind of striking that healthy balance between not being kind of so gullible with your feelings and, and controlling your ego in terms of, except, that like not everyone is in love with you, not everyone fucks with you, you're not everyone's type, that's totally okay. Every time you get rejected, your ego is going to tell you the reason they rejected you is because of your greatest insecurities, you know, it must be this. And in some cases, it might be true. Like you asked me, it says, like, I kind of suspected like it might be more the weight loss than the lack of dating history. And again, I'm just giving you my,

opinion, I could totally be wrong, but I think, yeah, more likely than not, I think while a lack of experience might be slightly, might be a small right flag for a guy, but, you know, short of you really acting like you don't have experience, I think it's as easier to, you know, it's, no one wants to be a dick, you know, I'm kind of rambling now. I don't know if any of this is awful. Yeah. No, I mean, like, I think to your point, I was like, I went into this kind of naive. and I also identify as a hopeless romantic. And I think I just had expectations about what dating would be like. Like, what were those expectations?

Because I watched for a long time. My whole 20s, I like, yeah, was single watching my friends get in and out of relationships talking about dating. And I like never really thought, I never really thought that was going to happen for me. So when it did, I think I learned fast that it's not what I thought it was going to be, which is like sad to your point about like balancing cynicism because I feel pretty. jaded now and being open. Well, you're 31, you said?

Yeah. Well, again, you've caught up because I think a lot of 31s out there dating are very cynical and frustrated. So, you know, I get, you know. I really think it's important for you to try to find ways to look at the positives, right? You're kind of a new, experiencing a new world and you're going to have a lot of expectations. I, you know, I'm sure there's a part of you that was this like, fuck yeah, like look what I did. What a huge accomplishment. And then as soon as you felt rejected in any way, that must have been a really difficult moment because it was like, whoa, I put in all this work. I finally did the thing. And what was, what I told myself for what was holding me back for so many years is no longer holding me back. And then you go out on dates. And even though the narrative is a little different where it's just like, hey, I don't, this is not

who I'm anymore, but I used to be that way. I'm not this way anymore. And then it feels like, well, yeah, but I'm still going to judge you for who you used to be and not who you are today, you know, and then that must felt really defeating, you know. On the flip side, you know, think about it this way. Like, imagine like the person who, let's say, at some point earlier in the 20s cheats on their partner, you know, whether it was like a. whatever the reason why, right?

But let's say, let's say that really affected them. You know, their partner broke up with them. You know, they did some work, you know, they maybe explored why they made those choices, maybe got into some therapy, maybe discovered some like past childhood traumas about why, you know, what made you played a role and then searching for that validation outside of a relationship and things like that. And then, you know, they go out and start dating again. And then, you know, they're on a date and you're on date too.

And you're like, well, and so, you know, got to ask, have you ever cheated on your partner? And being the person, they want to do, they want to do, they want to do, they want to put the work. And they're going to be, of course, they're going to be honest. Why? I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie about it as a cheater because that's what I used to do in the past. And then imagine a lot of people being like, well, I, I'm sorry, once a cheater, always a cheater. And I've been cheated on before.

I'm not, you know, you know what I'm saying? Like, probably a very similar kind of feeling, uh, that you might feel, right? And this is all to say, like, you're not alone when it comes to those types of feelings. And I think everyone on some level will always, again, feel rejected for similarly. And I, yeah, I really believe that. I think, you know, people might not like us for whatever reason. Maybe there's not their type, you know. And I would guarantee that whoever of the majority of those men who you felt rejected by,

it was neither the experience or the weight loss. It was just, I don't know, she's just not my, she's just not my person. That, that I'm certain of. Well, there's something interesting to me with all these experiences that I'm trying to figure out like, how do I get better at this in the future? And maybe there's not a way to do that. But it's like I've had, and now with this last one, five of these experiences where we get like two months in.

And so it's not like they go on one or two dates with me and they find, you know, something about my personality or my future goals that's not going to work. they like give me a few months and then once i think the stuff about weight loss or like things get more physical and they like figure out what that means like like it does feel like kind of funny to me that it because if it was something that was just personality or incompatibility why are they stretching it out that long well i don't think you get to know someone in two months it's up to me off earlier i don't know i i i imagine it's it just feels funny because it's been like about the same Is that like the same time you're like taking clothes off and and and and and and

and and and and and looking up and or like kind of and I mean another part of this which is a whole other tangent is that I'm also a virgin for like which probably was clear but that is like a whole other thing too with like the inexperience and the weight loss I mean I guess but it doesn't need to feel like a turn off I I think that's really only a turn off to the degree that you make it a big deal. And I understand that it probably is a big deal to you, but I don't know, in your case, your virginity is, I'm guessing, centered around just your lack of dating experience, which makes sense, right? It's not, you know, it's not some, you didn't make some, like, big decision, you know, you're not like saving yourself for marriage or, you know, it just, it just didn't happen.

So the more you make it a thing, the more it's a thing, you know. I don't know if this applies to anything you're thinking or feeling. But literally last night, have you heard of the black coffee theory? No. Okay, I saw this on, I saw this on Twitter. Don't know if it relates to you, but I was really like, that's fucking great. So, like, the black coffee theory goes something like this. A guy goes into a coffee shop and he wants a latte.

But he goes up to the front desk. He's at the Starbucks. And he's like, and she goes, what do you? So can I take your order? And he goes, all I know is I don't want a black coffee. And she's like, I don't, well, what do you want? And he's like, I don't want a black. I just all I know is I don't want a black coffee and she's kind of like okay I guess and then she

kind of like you know has a bunch of other orders it's chaotic as as a coffee shops often are and then it's time to get to serving this man his order all she can remember is black coffee so she just brings them a black coffee and the premise being is this like if you focus on what you don't want in your life whether you speak it out loud or say it to your friends or the people you're on dates with or internalize those thoughts and feelings, that will still be the thing that, you know, brings, that shows up in your life because that is where your energy and thoughts and feelings are going and things like that. And it was like a really profound thing. I was just like, that's so, like, I don't know how it applies to me, but I'm sure, you know, but like where your

energy goes and you're, what you fixate on. And if you fixate on what you don't want, you will still probably get what you don't want more often than not, you know, you don't want to be a virgin anymore. You don't want to feel rejected by men who are judging you for having, you know, having a different weight in the past. You don't want men to judge you for your lack of experience or whatever. If you, if that's where your thoughts and feelings are going, it will probably show up in that way. And so a lot of, I'd be willing, you know, like, of course you're going to meet judgmental people in life. Yes, some people. are going to, you know, no matter what, you know, judge you for that. But how you internalize that

and how you process that and how you move through the world will play a bigger role and how, on how often that shows up. I mean, I really think that's true. Yeah. No, that's, that is a good point. And I think it kind of gets at maybe what's underneath all of these things. I think with dating, because there are judgmental people, I feel like maybe my like mindset or the way I'm showing up is that, okay, I feel like I have all these things working against me. I'm a virgin. I don't have a relationship experience. I used to look a lot different a few years ago and it went through weight loss and have

loose skin. And so I feel like I'm always on the defensive with that. And maybe that's coming across. I mean, listen, I've talked to you for 15 minutes now. You're a beautiful person. You seem like have a great personality. You're like, you, I don't know, you seem smart. You know, like you have a presence, you know.

I don't know if that's how you feel about yourself. but like it seems, you know, that that is, that is the first impression I had of you. You don't even look inexperienced and I don't even know what that means. You know what I'm saying? You don't talk, you don't talk like you don't know anything, you know. You also now are not inexperienced. You've been on 48 dates. I don't know if I've been on 48 dates of my life, probably.

But I honestly, that seems like a lot, you know. I definitely have. I went, you know, when I moved to L.A., I was going on a lot of coffee dates. Yeah, no, they do. And good for you. But like, I think a lot, I think now pat yourself on the back for being courageous to get yourself out there. You got the experience, no regrets. You know, you, you know, you got to focus on, you really got to try to focus on those fun moments that you had, the adventures that you had. Yes, I'm sure within that there were some rejections and things like that. No doubt, some of the men that rejected you in the situation ship, they just beat you to the punch. They were not your. guy, you wouldn't have end up falling in love at them. You know, you just, they just beat you to the punch. And you are probably this mindset of, and I think that's where this black coffee theory could really like apply to you is like, you now have this like, I can't get a boyfriend, you know, I can't lose my virginity, you know, kind of mindset. And there's a, you know, and that will affect

your decision making where you're just going to be like, I honestly don't give a fuck. I just like, I'm just going to, I want to see if I can get this guy to be my. boyfriend. I want to see if I can get laid. And like that's not a great way to go about getting a boyfriend or to have sex or lose your virginity. I mean, as far as losing your virginity, my hope for you, it's as awkward and silly as it was for most people. I mean, I'm halfway kidding. Maybe as I, you know, I don't know what you want. What I hope you get is whatever, I hope it's whatever you want it to be. But if you want to have some fun and, and I hope you have a chance to do that too, you know, You've mentioned loose skin a few times.

Is that something that it seems to be something that is, if nothing else in your head and you think is an issue? Yeah. I mean, because it's kind of a dead giveaway. One of these, like, one of the most meaningful connections I have was, I think, actually technically love bombing by him. But I remember, like, early on, he, like, said something. And he's like, oh, and like, your weight loss. And I hadn't brought it up yet. And I was like, what do you, like, how do you know about that?

And he was like, well, your skin. Like, which like fair. It is like obvious. And I am getting a skin removal surgery like next month. So that like, I mean, it won't take care of everything, but it'll take care of like a good portion of it. I think you'll still probably be able to tell. Like it's not going to look like. I probably would if I never would have been as heavy as I was.

But so that's like something, I guess. But is that something in addition to the. procedure that over time will improve or is it or not? No, it's kind of like once you like, if you're heavy enough, which I was, like you stretch out your skin, it doesn't snap back. It will to a certain extent. But like there will be like stretch marks and stuff like that too. No, we all have stretch marks, you know, some of the others. I mean, you know. So I mean, and I don't like want or like need a perfect body. I don't need my partner to have a perfect body either, but I think that'll help maybe. I don't know. Who are some of the men that you're

dating? Is it a pretty wide spectrum? Or have you kind of, yeah, what are they like? Yeah. Physically, I guess. Most of them have been older. I mean, like, physically, it's kind of been all over. I've been surprised by some of the people that I ended up, like, seen for longer than I would have thought originally. Like, I saw, like, someone who, like, was a smoker, for example. And that normally would be a deal breaker, but we hit it off and I was like willing to figure it out. And to your point, he probably beat me to the punch because that wouldn't have worked for me long term. But I was like willing to do that because there was a connection and there were other things that I felt outweighed that. But yeah, kind of all over the place. And it's been like interesting to your like

point about like me having confidence. It's like this yes and no thing. Like it is amazing when I am on hinge and I have like a ton of matches and I can get a date if I want a date. Yeah. Like, not to sound like I'm super hot, but like I can. If I want to have a date, I can find one. But it is kind of always in the back of my mind. Like, I would not be on this date probably if they met me three years ago. And so that's like a bit of a mental.

I mean, I'm in therapy and stuff. And it's like just an unfortunate like reality of culture and society right now. I mean, like, I guess who. It is this thing. What is that? I mean, like, what is that, you know, like, people. change, people evolve, who cares if they wouldn't go on a day with you three years ago, you know. That's true.

Yeah, I mean, your mindset is definitely your biggest obstacle, you know, and I think all your thoughts and feelings are more than valid and understandable. But like, again, with most of us, it really just comes down to how do we, how do we internalize our insecurities and how we stop from projecting them? And, you know, I wonder if, if that black coffee theory really applies to you in a lot ways because I think, you know, you have all these like mental hurdles when it comes to why you're not getting what you want and you have these narratives in your head. And whether there's any truth to parts of them or not, like, I don't think that really makes a difference. TN, you know, you know what I'm

saying? Like you, you, you're like, oh, do you think men are, are being honest when they say it's a lack of experience versus, you know, you're like, I've never had a guy tell me he didn't want to date me because I've lost weight, you know, but I think maybe at least some of them, that was the truth and you know I was like well your your your instincts are probably right but like who cares you know what what what what does that really matter you know we all want to know a reason you know uh and I think that's our ego is trying to control the narrative okay you know it's like well just tell me why why why why what did I do wrong you know because you know you want to sit you want to hear what you're doing wrong because you want to be able to fix it you're like oh you don't like that about

me just tell me I'll change it I can improve it you know and then there's a part of you who's who's done so much work and self-improvement, there must be, you know, and on some level, a lot of confidence, it's like, yeah, just tell me, I've already lost 200 pounds. I'm in therapy. I've done this, X, Y, and Z, you know, tell me, I'll just do it, you know, I've already done this. And I think we just have to be careful about that where it's just like, you know, one of the most useless conversations I think people have in life is the why don't you like me anymore or why don't you want to date me. Yeah, I understand it, but like, it's, not productive. It doesn't get us anything. I don't think it's ever changed anyone's mind. And all it does

is really activate your ego. And then in a way, you know, not even in a way, but like, and sometimes, maybe it's just to a certain degree, you start changing who you are based off someone who's no longer in your life. You know, it's like, you know, one thing I noticed about reality TV characters and what really causes a reality TV character in my mind lose themselves is when they start really obsessively reading comments or even worse going on Reddit and reading basically people having conversations with them. And while that is a very challenging thing to do and I understand why people can do it, but they will, they, they'll change who they are. You know, they will, they will start responding not necessarily, literally like in the, on, on the keyboard,

but they'll be like, oh, well, all these people think this of me. So I guess I'll, I want to do the thing that's different, or at least I want to show, I want to, I want, I'm going to at least pretend that that I'm different. They said I should post more of that. I should do, I should say this. I'll say more of that, you know, they completely lose who they are because they're out there taking the advice from people, they don't even know are real for one. They probably wouldn't ask their advice, but they're, they're, you know, you know, in a very kind of met, not matter, I don't know, larger scale, but the internet is telling them what's wrong with them? The internet is rejecting them. They're saying, I don't like this person. I don't, I don't fuck with this person. I don't, you know, yada, yada, yada. And that person is

literally that kind of like, insecure person who feels rejected, being like, well, why don't you, why don't you like me? Like, why don't you want to date me? And they're like, well, I'll tell you exactly why, because it's the internet and I can do that. And they're like, okay, well, let me do something about that. So you can like me. And they go back to internet and they like wonder if, like, oh, do they like me now? Well, then there's a whole other lineup of people be like, well, yeah, but I don't like that. Fuck that. You know? And it's just like, It's a really sad, sad. I mean, it happens all the time.

But that is kind of, that is kind of what like it is when people are dating or in relationships where it's just like, but tell me why, you know, like, I don't know. When you just don't want to date someone, you just don't want to date someone. And is the reason really going to make a difference, you know? Yeah. No, that's, that's really helpful. And honestly, it's funny. My next question to you is going to be like, well, so like, when do I say this? When do I drop this bomb about the weight loss?

but maybe it, and I would be curious if you do have an answer to that, but maybe it is less about, like, worrying about their reaction and more about, like, just owning what, like, I can't change and what my experience is. I think that. I mean, my answer, my opinion and it's definitely just his opinion is, like, not never. I don't, to your point, I would love for you not to wonder when I need to tell this person. When you go on a date, you start liking them, I would love for you to be like, I don't know. I don't, it's not a thing I'm going to, I don't need to address. It certainly might come up at some point. You mentioned loose skin, maybe they might notice that.

I don't know, you know, things like that. You might, you know, grow an emotional connection with a man and feel really safe where you do want to open up because you do want to feel accepted. It is clearly an insecurity you have. We all have those insecurities. And when we really connect with someone and love someone and that moment where you, like, that's when you really build emotional connection. where you really have someone is because you have these things that you're afraid they will

reject you know i lost a lot of weight i cheated on someone in the past i you know i you know men might be like i'm kind of losing my hair and i just like fuck i don't know she knows you know things like that and then you kind of let that person know and they go i you know yeah no i yeah i yeah i saw your your hair's like not as thick as my last boyfriend i don't care he was a dick and i love you and you're just like oh my god like she loves me you know like and it's such a great feeling to like have that person accept you and accept your insecurities in ways that you're not going to change, you know? And so more than anything, you know, yeah, that's how I would love for you to address that and not feel like, okay, is it the second or third date? Is it fourth date? Is it the fifth date? Is it like,

is it like, is it like, no, I don't think you have to really think about that. When you just try not to. Yeah, yeah, I can definitely give that a try. And especially with the experience. I mean, like, I get I get them, you know, like there are some things you can't hide, right? You mentioned the loose game. But your dating experience, you're no longer an experience for one. And the virginity, who cares? You know, I don't, who cares? Like, I don't honestly, like, if, if you never told anyone, sex for the first time for most people is awkward. And I don't care if you've had a lot of sex. And yeah, I don't know. I mean, again, if you want to tell someone because you feel really safe and secure with them and it's something you want to know great but it is not someone i don't think it's

something you owe anyone yeah so yeah that's like a different way of looking at it for sure and i think i need that so yeah yeah definitely the two of the three things that are holding you back two of them mind that you completely erase because again one you're not an experience anymore and two i don't know the virginity thing is kind of it's only a thing if you make it a thing yeah and if they make it a thing I had, well, they don't have to know. They don't have to know. Yeah. And that was my problem because I told him and made it a big deal.

And then his whole thing was like, well, now I have all this pressure to make these first experiences good for you. And I was like, I didn't ask you to do that. So sometimes they take it and run away with it. But once I tell them, then I lose control over anyway. Yeah, I don't. But I'm not big on lying. But if you, you know, you know, it has a home. So how many people are hooked up with?

First of all, it's kind of a, I don't know. It's a weird question in 2026, I think. I don't know. Put it the, you know, I, you know, like if, most people lie about their number, right? You know, the, the, the, the, the trope is, you know, guys will, uh, subtract a few numbers. Women might add a few numbers. I don't, I don't know, I don't know, maybe, maybe, maybe it's the opposite. I don't know.

Actually, I really don't. But people often lie. And sometimes people lie because they literally don't know the number. I don't know the number. Men don't, like, make lists. I know a lot of women who literally, like, have a notes app. of like, you know, the eight or 13 guys that they hooked up with and there's names and things like that.

And I don't have one of those, you know? And my point being is it's like, you only know the number because it's an easy number to remember. But like, who's like, you know, who gives a fuck? And I'll also say is just to avoid that moment, be like, yeah, I don't have a lot of experience, but like, yeah, I don't, put it this way. It's all I need is one hand to count the number of guys.

I've slept with. Yeah. I can just leave it there. Literally. You know, you're not lying, you know, but you're also like,

you know, because a lot of guys will, a lot of guys will make it a thing. They'll make it about them. They'll internalize. It's just like, no, this is not like your opportunity to be like,

I don't, I'm not looking for an eye and shunning armor. And I don't, I don't, like, was your first time having sex good? Because for most people, it's weird and quick and awkward.

And, and, you know, most people in their late teens at early 20s, they're doing like our you know like it's not it's not you know it's you know so no i don't need that you know uh was it's helpful yeah it really was like to just get uh a guy's perspective and to get some good like reframes i think i because i hit it so hard and was on the defensive i could use some like

a change of my mindset um yeah and i i hope when you get off the phone i hope that you're main focus isn't like I fucking knew it. It was the way it lost. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, first of all, I don't know if I'm right there. It's just an opinion I have and it doesn't really matter. I think the real important part to take away is like it doesn't matter why they rejected me. This year wasn't about you finding a boyfriend. This year was about you getting experience, you know? And whenever you do find your person, you will look back on that year is like the year I did, I went on 48 dates and that was awesome and that was fun. And you will, you will you will look back more fondly on that year than you do know and this is kind of part of your

part of your journey and I think the more you just you know when you find yourself having those negative feelings of like focusing on what you don't have remember that kind of black coffee coffee theory like it you didn't lose all this weight by having the mindset of I can't lose weight you know or that I don't want to be overweight anymore You know, that's not, it was, I'm going to do this thing. What do I need to do? What are the next steps? What do I have to do tomorrow? You know, you had an image board of what you wanted to be or look like and feel. You know, that's how you got accomplished this goal. And I think applying how you got to this point, your life when it comes to your weight, I think applying that mindset to dating and love will actually help as well, too. Yeah, I've actually never thought of it like that too. So that's interesting. Interesting. All right. Okay.

Thanks for the call. And I'd love for you to keep us posted and give us some updates. I'm curious how your journey unfold. Yeah. I will update you guys when it finally happens. Or it doesn't even, or just like as, you know, maybe you'll have some interesting stories or things you learn along the way. It doesn't have to be when you have a boyfriend. I get, I try to not make your whole dating thing about like having a boyfriend.

It's not about having a boyfriend. It's about making connections. It's about, you know, learning hotly, it's about falling in love. It's about meeting people. Stop telling yourself you've never had a relationship. That's not true. You've had plenty of relationships. You've had a lot of meaningful relationships. There've been girlfriends. They've been probably men who are friends, whatever. Like, I've never had a relationship is a lie. It's not true. Never had a boyfriend, I guess. But like, what does that mean in 2026? Most people are out there being like, yeah, we're exclusive, but we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. You know, I don't like it's, so like, get, you know, It's, it's, you're, get that out of your head and stop telling yourself, you, you've never had something that you've probably had a lot of.

Yeah. That's also true. I think I needed to hear that. All right. Good luck out there. Take care. Yeah. I appreciate it.

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We have new Instagram and TikTok specifically for Ask Nick. So if you want to avoid all the pop culture and reality TV content that we're putting out there, and just focus on all things, relationship, dating, interpersonal relationships, and just ask Nick content, just please give us a follow. It's Ask Nick Viol on Instagram and TikTok. So give us a follow and enjoy. We'll be glad that you did. How's it going? Good morning. My name is Haley. I am 28 and I'm wondering at what point do you consider cutting off a friendship due to your best friend's partner

being world's biggest piece of shit? Okay. Are they married? Engaged. Okay. I've been engaged for probably two years together for four. All right. Hawaii is a piece of shit?

Oh, I think it's just like your tail is oldest time, most toxic, manipulative sort of relationship has kind of taken every aspect of her and like she's just a completely different person than she was when they first met. Very controlling. Lots of infidelity, which has been caught also on her end.

So it's not like she has no proof. And she kind of takes care of everything while compromising her emotional and physical health, her relationships with her friends and family, her career. She just, she does everything. And he is just textbook, piece of shit. How much has the infidelity played a role in your opinion of him? A lot, but I will say even before kind of that was a piece, like the way he would just disrespect boundaries, speak to her, talk about her body, talk about his expectations of her, things like that. So it was like, when it happened, you weren't like, I cannot believe he did this.

It was like, okay. Yeah. One example, like she went through his Apple Watch. That's how she saw some of the text messages. And he had changed the name of the person to like 43569. You know, like the text that you would get from like Dick Sporting Goose or like that. And she happened to click on it and look. So, you know, he was creative. That is. That's very creative. That's very creative. Can't help it laugh. The only problem is that she probably doesn't have a Samsung. No. You know? It's like. And it's one of those where she is like so far gone and so far lost that it's like,

you just want to shake her. And I'm a very honest friend. So, you know, I'm not the friend that's going to tell you like, it's okay. Like whatever you want to do, you know, I've kind of laid it out there for her and tried to be that voice. But she. The tough love voice. Yeah.

the tough love voice and it just doesn't click but it gets to a point like she'll call you every she kind is backed off on what she tells me um no surprise but every you know four or five months i'll get a call i'm leaving this is it and then returns back to the house within i'm not kidding you like five hours of when when she does that how does that make you feel um it's just frustrating because you see this person who's such a good human being and deserves the world, like truly, like not just one of those friends where you're like, yeah, whatever, like, you know, she's not the best either. Like, she's awesome and could have such a different life and such a different relationship. And I think it's just so frustrating that she's lost all of her confidence, security, everything,

and just, it's like how do you not see what everyone else is seeing? There's definitely a reason. I don't know what the reason is, but there is a reason. not seeing that in herself. Yeah. And I would, I just remember that. Why are you feeling like it might be necessary to cut your friend out of your life? I think, and my boyfriend made a point the other day, we got off the phone and I was

kind of recapping to him and he was like, you, you're so stressed. Like, every time you talk to her because you carry people's problems in a way. Like, you get off this phone call and you don't feel rejuvenated or happy. It's like you're carrying everything that she just told you. And I think like I said, she's lost herself even in the sense of like as a friend. Like she doesn't come to visit. She doesn't, you know, even for her birthday, I'm like, I'll buy you and your kid a plane ticket. Like I want to be in both of your lives.

I want to see you. I try to make that effort. And I think he pushes her away from her family. Like half of her family doesn't talk to her anymore because they hate him so much. She's like lost all of her friends. She's changed her career. So she's at home, like so isolated. by herself.

But I think when I sit back and look like, what am I getting out of this friendship for at the same time? But where do you draw the line of, I want to be your friend and support you? Because I know at some point this will probably all crash and burn and blow up in your face and then you'll really have no one. But at the same time, it's like how do you almost associate yourself with someone

who has these like standards and values for themselves? Okay. How long have you known this friend? Probably 10 years plus. So a while. A while. Meaningful friendship? Yeah, very.

Okay. I think you just need to change your perspective on this friendship. Okay. You know, it's, it was interesting hearing you speak about how you feel when you get off the phone with her. And then like a few seconds later you talked, you said, you know, what am I getting out of this friendship? I think that's the, you know, everything you're feeling, it's natural and things like that. But I think if you, you know, there's like an energy. I think people exchange with each other.

Despite the fact that your intentions obviously are good, you want to help her out. You are assigning a cost in a way to her, almost like a therapist would when you meet with them. It's just like, yeah, I'll give you some really good advice and some guidance, but that will also be $200. Thank you very much. And they are willing to listen to our bullshit. It's their job. and they make money from it. And certainly, I'm sure there are people out there who feel very connected with their

therapists, but if you stop paying them, they will stop listening. And I think when it comes to friendship, especially, you know, the ones that have been around for a while, you know, I think you have to reframe why you are showing up for this friend. This relationship will end. Not maybe, not probably. It will end. I don't know when, but it will end. and when it does, she will need you in her life.

Right now, you are very much showing, you know, it's just like, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm the friend who gives her the business. I'm the friend who's honest with her and tells her what maybe other people are a little afraid to say. And as, you know, as someone who relates to that, that's all well and good. But right now, she doesn't need that friend. She's heard it from everybody. Yeah.

She's heard it from half her family. it's not working. I don't know what the reason is and why she's in this relationship and why she hasn't left, but she, unfortunately for her, is not ready. Right. You know, and I'm sure there's a bunch of reasons why and childhood trauma and God only knows why she has chosen to accept this type of relationship, but that's where she's at. And now more than ever, she needs people in her life who don't require a cost for their friendship. And I think I completely get where your boyfriend's coming from. It's like, yeah, you're just like, you're pain in the ass every time you get off the phone with her. It's just like, why are you so grumpy? It's just like, why are you this? It's just like,

from his standpoint, he's like, yeah, stop talking to her, you know? It's just like, she makes you miserable. But she doesn't make you miserable. You are allowing, you know, when you're on the phone with her, there's an exchange of energy, you know, I think I really believe that with that and thing, but right now, she is passing her energy off to you in a way. Yeah. It's making you feel a certain way, as opposed to showing up to this phone call listening. I'm sure you don't remember the last time you actually listened to your friend, talk about her relationship.

I imagine recently you've just, you let her speak, you wait for her to finish talking, and then if you have something to say, I'm guessing you say it, but you have, you have, have checked out listening to your friend and talk about her relationship. And I would be willing to bet that if you shift to that a little bit, I'm sure, no doubt, 95% of what she said would be, would sound very similar. It would probably be frustrating to hear, I'm sure. But if you really listen, I'm guessing you would probably learn a thing or two. I don't know what that is, but it would probably reveal something a little bit. And right now, all she's heard for however long,

she has been getting criticized for her choices about her relationship. All she's ever heard from the people most important in her life is negativity. Yeah. You know, even when you try to compliment her, oh, you deserve better. She's probably hearing what's wrong with you. You're stupid. You deserve better. Why are you so stupid?

You know, why do you treat yourself this way? I think it would do you a lot of good to show up the next time you speak to her and only say nice things. Only praise her. There's no but. I don't know what it is. Maybe remind, remember reminisce about a time in your friendship where she showed up for you or she did something that you thought was really wonderful or sweet. Maybe she won an award. I don't know.

And you could just be, how is this thinking about that time? And yeah, I don't know. is just great. You were one, you know, you were really wonderful. And then it ends there. You don't go. And I just wish I could have that friend back. Don't that, that last part, that's the shit that you're doing now that you need to, I would, I think you probably need to stop. And the moment you start expecting less from your friend who's right now probably not able or capable of giving you more because she's fighting for her life right now in a way, fighting for her relationship, which feels like her life. And I don't know if you've ever been in a toxic relationship before, but

you know that you don't see the forest through the trees when you're in it, you know? Yeah, you don't. And so you just have to have a little empathy for her right now. And now's not the time to be right. And you just, you have to accept that whatever you're doing right now isn't working. Yeah. And that's, that's something you can control and own. Yeah.

Like the potential of, it's almost like when you're dating, you know, you think of the potential of what someone, instead of taking them, I think, at base value. So that's a good reminder, just to kind of meet her where she's at. And I guess just it'd be helpful to have your advice, you know, when she calls me. Because she knows, I think, in herself, that's what hurts my heart. It's like she's even told me I don't feel like myself. I don't know the last time I was happy. Like, I can't live this way.

And then so when you share those things where it's almost like, I know she feels trapped and I know she feels what everyone else is seeing. But she's like you said, she's just not at that place yet where she has. Next time she says something like that, where she almost is acknowledging things that you've said. Yeah. She's criticizing him. Maybe she's even saying, I don't know why I don't leave this man. Instead of saying, I don't know either or yada yada or I know in that time, if I'm you in the past.

Oh, hell, even in the present, it's not like I'm always going to take him my own advice. That would be like a green light for me to like, oh, I'm going to really, I'm going to talk my shit. I'm like, she's close. I'm going to, you know, I'm going to go snatch my friend and save them. I would say something as simple as, listen, you know how I feel about you. I would pay some compliments. I would talk about all the things she's capable. And I would just say, listen, I don't know either, but you will do it when you're ready. Yeah, that's fair. And I would, I would think that would, that's obviously I'm sure difficult for you to say, but that will empower her because the truth is she won't leave when she's ready. And you can't make her leave. And she feels

obviously helpless. Obviously, when she shows up like that and she is literally saying to you, I don't know why I do this, she feels like she can't. So in that moment, you will be a friend she needs who will remind her, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are capable of doing this. I don't have the answers as to why and when, but I do know you will do it when you're ready. And I think that would be something she could really benefit from hearing from. Because I'm guessing she now more than ever feels incredibly alone. And anyone who's been in a toxic relationship where their friends have said, your person sucks. And then they've responded with, you don't know me, you know, get very defensive. They, you know, whether they cut off their

friends or they, you know, usually it's not something like a like a breakup. Either it's a little bit of both, right? She has distanced herself from you because she doesn't know what to say. You've distanced yourself from her because you don't know what to say. And so you've grown some distance. Yeah. And she has, I'm sure, several instances of all the people in her life who don't like him, who are doing that. So now, now she's even more alone. Right. And so now she feels like she really has to fight for this relationship. And yeah, it would be normal for being like, well, if I just end them, everyone who's kind of distanced himself will come back in my life. And for the most part, that's probably true. But it never feels like that in the moment. Yeah. No, I know. You know.

Yeah. And I will say I think I do try to have a positive look when I'm speaking with her. Like, I do give her the honest truth, but I also try to have that fair balance of empowerment. You just have to stop having balance and you have to stop giving her the truth. And the only truth you need to share with her is the love you have for her. Yeah. And that's it. Yeah. That's all you need to share.

Not guilt, not shame. You know, don't make her feel bad about her choices. You're not her mom. You're not a therapist. You're just her friend. And she needs friendship and she needs connection. and because she doesn't have that anywhere else. And she just needs people to believe in her so that when she is ready,

she will find that courage. Because in the moments where she calls you up and says, I don't know why, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm guessing that's like her trying to find that strength. Yeah. You know, and your response is always like, I don't know either. And I mean, I've tried, like, let me help you find a therapist. I'll send her podcasts.

I'll send her books. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You're like, you can't do this. around here's a book read it you can't do this thing around find a therapist you you know and that's all good advice and well-intentioned no doubt but i think she's had enough of that lately i have been getting back into some books and and some um literature that you know it has helped me in the past and i've kind of revisited it yeah i'm doing that because i wanted to i felt ready you know it's i wasn't like no i have never in my life

read a book that someone's told me to read. I don't like to read. I'm dyslexic. So like, no one, you know. Yeah. She's like, I have a book you should read. Great. Good for you.

You know, they might look at the cover, turn the back, you know, but like she'll, she'll do it when she's ready. But when she's ready, you want to make sure that she has a belief in herself. And when she looks in the mirror, she is kind of like, what the fuck are you doing, you know? And that will only come from me. you leaving out the butt. That's fair.

You know, and I would challenge yourself when next time you get on the phone to leave that phone call, feeling connected to your friend, inspired by your friend, feeling good, feeling better than when you got off. And I think if you bring that energy to that phone call, I promise that you will feel different. Because right now when you get on the phone with your friend, you have an assignment that you've, you know, knighted yourself. And then every time you get off the phone, you feel like you failed.

You feel like you failed yourself. You feel like you failed your friend. She doesn't hear you. She's not listening. And it's very frustrating for you. But you have to let go of that. Yeah. And just lead with love a little bit more.

Yeah. I mean, do you think it's fair to kind of level set with her and almost just have that open conversation and just say like, just almost remind her, like, I love you and I'm always here for you? No, I would, I think this is something you need to work on. And I think I would, I would challenge yourself that this is, this is not something you are doing to trick your friend in a way. Yeah. You really have to let go of the outcome.

And I think you, this is you recognizing that well-intentioned or not, that you haven't shown up for your friend in the way that she's needed you. And you want to challenge yourself to do a better job of that. And so I think you just really start slow. This is new for you. You know, this is something you need to practice. This is not about you crafting a new delivery, you know, so that your friend receives what you're trying to say. Because if you do that, you will put some kind of artificial timeline on that.

It'll be like, all right, I'll try this thing with this fucking Nick guy said. All right, I'm a, I mean, I know. In the back of your mind, you're like, I'll give it 10 phone calls. And then that 10th phone call, when she doesn't change, you're going to go back to your old ways. And I think if you really work on this and recognize this is something you need to change, not only with this friend, but just maybe in all aspects of your life, that, you know, when you have an expectation from a friend and you leave that call feeling worse, you know, I would think about, you know, what you brought to that call and what your expectations were going in,

you know, type of thing. Especially if, if, especially someone like yourself who can recognize that you are the tough love friend. And as the tough love friend, um, I think you, we all need to work on is, is when that tough love is needed. And it often isn't. And I think, um, sometimes when it comes to friendships, us tough love people could, could, could, could listen a lot more and, and just try to connect with our friend.

your friend has not felt a connection with a friend or a phone call in a long time. She has just felt lectured. Yeah. And so I would really, I would really focus on that. I was just going to say, I felt like, yes, but at the same time, probably because of how I've responded in the past, it's almost like we just don't talk about it now. Yeah. Like call me the other day, you know, it wasn't about him or a situation. If I ask how he is, it's like, good.

We're working on things. kind of just. I don't think you need to ask how it is. That's disingenuous. You don't care. And you asking how he is is just a way of bringing him up that creates this almost kind of awkwardness between the two of you because you both know you hate his fucking guts. And we both know you don't care how he is. And if anything, if he was dead in a ditch, it would probably make you happy. So like, don't be disingenuous with your friend. Yeah. Your biggest roadblock with the advice I'm giving you is letting go with how much you fucking hate his guts and and the outcome that you assigned to needing your friend to leave him before you feel like you can really reconnect

with this friend and I would challenge you to regardless of me saying oh it's definitely going to happen I don't know that could be in 10 years I don't I don't know challenge yourself to still have a friendship with this person you describe as a wonderful beautiful person, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Yes, I'm sure she is quote unquote changed. But part of that change is her just feeling stuck and trapped. And again, you know, people won't leave until they're ready to leave. And so I think you should just try to focus on, she knows you hate them. Everyone knows you hate them. And if she really wants to bring it up, you just listen. Be like, listen, I just, you know, I think you could say listen. You know how I feel.

I'm guessing you don't need me to remind you how I feel. But I just, I'm here to listen and I'm here to let you know that, like, I think you're an amazing person and I'm just so lucky that I have you and I know that I appreciate what you've done for me. And do you remember that time? You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just about talking about the two of you and talking about your friendship. And I understand that he might come up.

And when she vents, again, it's just like, I'm here to listen. Listen, with no expectation of the outcome, you don't try to feel like she's heard you. This is not, you know, you have said enough. And I'm guessing a lot of times you get frustrated is because you don't feel like she's hearing you. And you feel like you're wasting your breath and wasting your time. And you're like, why am I showing up for this friend who won't even listen to me? And I know what I'm talking about. And like, it's so kind of disrespectful of her not to like take my advice because like,

I'm in the healthy relationship. She knows she's in a bad relationship. And she has the nerve to call me up and vent to me, ask for my advice, and then not take it. Like, that's kind of the energy that you are bringing to this friendship right now and totally understandable. And I've been you and I will continue to be you at times. But the path forward with this friend and your happiness and peace of mind is, I promise you, is kind of what I'm trying to convey to you.

And your friend needs you. She needs you. No, that's good advice. And sometimes, yeah, I tend to be a fixer, you know, or like an empath. And I think your advice is good of just kind of like, at the end of the day, it's her life. And she needs a friend and probably just that. Yeah. Because she knows.

And I think I have to remind myself that of like she knows the truth. She knows how she feels and until she's ready to act on that, then I just kind of have to be there to support her. What can you learn from her is a great question. I would challenge yourself. How can you connect with her? You are not showing up to these phone calls with this friend anymore as her equal. You are showing up as the better friend, the more emotionally regulated friend, the friend who makes better choices.

And so you are bringing judgment into that conversation. And again, you're not her parent, her therapist, you're just her friend. And right now, especially when she's not asking for help, just show up as her friend and be her friend. And you have a lot more to talk about than just her dating life and and help her have those conversations that have nothing to do with him and don't ask about him. And if she brings them up, you know, ask questions without judgment, you know. Yeah. And I think if you do that, you will definitely be.

get closer and then you will you know and then when she's ready you will be a big reason why she finds the strength to actually do it but she's not going to do it till she's not ready and that's definitely the answer of why and right now no one's no one's reminding her of that and while not reminding her of that they are making her feel like she is not capable because everyone's suggesting books and therapists these things you know and it's not like, you know, you will, you, when you, imagine how that might feel to her when you, when you say you will do it when you're ready, you know. Yeah, it's good advice. And I think, you know, there's been a lot of, there's been a lot of trial leaves, you know, like I said,

like you think she leaves and you think she's good and then comes back. So it's, like you said, it's kind of at her time when she finally makes that decision. And when she does that really, really, really challenge yourself to not judge, not assume. Yeah. Because you definitely, I'm sure, you don't even realize how like the eye rolls, the huffs and puffs, the comments of, you know, that I'm sure in some way you send her away about how much you don't believe this is it. Yeah. No, that's, I mean, that's fair. And I think, like I said, just because it's like the repeated the cycle.

So you're right. Like, no, I don't. And so I'm sure that it does come off that way. And, you know, they have a child to add a whole other. like sometimes and I think that's kind of a big concern of hers but yeah no that's good advice and I know that I could practice just kind of minding my business and I would spend a lot of time reminding her of how much of amazing a mom she is like I do try to I don't want to sound like I just shit on her all no I know I know I'm sure you don't and that's the thing is I want you to I really I really know that

you don't and I'm sure you do say nice things to her the problem with what you're doing now, there's always a but. Yeah. And she is not hearing the compliments. He's, you know, I don't know, I don't know what your social media, um, exist in is, you know, I'm sure you've heard it or maybe you've also experienced, but you can receive a hundred positive comments. And if there's one negative comment, that's the one that you feel. It's the one you internalize. That's the one that hits home. And so it's the same way when you are, you know, reminding her of all her bad choices and how her, you know, and, you know, It's like, oh, you're a good mother, but like, hey, have you left him yet?

You know, it's like, you know, and right now you just need to shower her with praise, remind her of the good times, you know, if you think of stories where you feel like she demonstrated strength. You don't need to be like, and this was the time you were strong, so why can't, you know, just be like, hey, you remember that one time and you were such a badass. I don't know. I don't know. I just popped in my head. I don't know why. Anyways, like, how's your day? You know, you just have to sprinkle in those moments that she has not been reminded of. by herself or anyone else that she is capable of a lot. But like she is just feeling very isolated and very alone. And the fact that she does have a child is only adding to that. And she just needs people who believe in her and aren't going to tell her I told you so. Yeah.

Yeah. Because I think, I mean, she's not getting confidence or security from her relationship, from her family, for other people in her life. So I think being that person that can kind of lift her up and give her maybe some of her confidence back or help her gain some of that confidence and strength back. Yeah. And the last thing I want to leave you with is, again, the mindset of this is not a new assignment and I'm not giving you a playbook to get your friend to break up with her. I am challenging you to try to get something out of this friendship from your friend. What can you learn from your friend?

How can she help you in a way? You know, like if you were willing to listen to your friend, if you are willing to just be with her and, you know, when you're on the phone or talking, I promise you your perspective will change and you will get more out of this friendship. But right now you are showing up with a bill. Yeah. And I think you have to think forward like when she does eventually leave or when this relationship does end and she looks back at how people acted or how people supported her. Like I do want to be remembered as that person that like didn't leave her side.

Sure. But again, just, I'm picking here, that is that mindset of like, you want to be rewarded. My hope for you is that you will get to a place where when your friend leaves, you're like, you feel like you have gained something where you actually can thank her, where the idea that I was the friend who stayed and I, you know, I don't, I, I want you to feel good about yourself in general, but I don't want you to gain any sense of, accomplishment when your friend makes this decision eventually. I just want you to feel gratitude for the friendship that you maintain and the fact that you know your friend is in a better place. And I think people like us who have that kind of fixer mindset, there is a lot of ego in that in terms of like you know you're right and you want to help and you want to pass this being right on to the other people who are so good at being wrong.

think just work on that and it will help you out immensely in all your relationships I promise. Yeah. No, that's a that's good advice. Thank you. I appreciate it. All right. Well, thanks for the call. All right. Thank you. And congratulations to you and Natalie on the twins. I appreciate it. Thanks so much for saying that. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye. All right. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. I'm so excited to share that this podcast is sponsored by The Real Real, the best place to shop authenticated luxury handbags, clothing watches, and so much more. I am obsessed. with the real world. It's one of my favorite places to scroll at night when I finally have some alone time and find some pieces that maybe I can't find anywhere else or if I'm looking for a

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And make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm Madison. I'm 23.

And is it time to block my situation ship? Yes. All right. Have a good day. Tell me more about it. Okay. So I'll just take you back to the beginning, I guess. So we matched on Hinge, like, a year ago, back in like, end of

March, beginning of April. And everything was going so well. He's a year younger than me. And everything was going great. We clicked immediately. It was just great. Like, he liked me more than I liked him, which I feel like is always a recipe for something good because, you know. How do you know that? Because once you start liking them more than they like you, then things are to go wrong. But how do you know he liked you more than you liked him? Because like he, if I didn't answer for like an hour, like he would text me and be like, oh, is everything okay? Like, are we good? And like I didn't like if he'd an answer I felt like completely fine with that. Okay.

Um, yeah. So maybe it just means he's insecure or controlling or I don't know. Well, things changed. You'll see. Sure. I guess my point is I'd be so quick to assess feelings. Yeah.

Uh, and then measure those feelings as if they matter based off of fairly trivial things. Yeah. You're, you're reading into some of his actions. which, as I'm sure you'll tell your story, leads to disappointment and confusion. Yeah, you're right. Continue. Okay, so everything was great. And then, like I said, he's a year younger than me.

So I was a senior in college, and he was a junior. So I was about to graduate. We matched on Hinge, like about two months before I graduated, which I made clear to him. Like, I'm most likely moving back home, which is 11 hours away from where we went to school. So I made it clear to him. And he was like, that's fine. so we're still talking everything's great and then we get to like around graduation so i graduate then i feel him start getting distant and i'm like okay he didn't text me like he was on vacation

and he was going to text me when he got back so we could hang out and then he never texted me so i text him i'm like hey like are you back yet and then he's like oh i'm coming back a day later and i'm like all right that's fine and he didn't answer that text for like six hours which is not like him so then the next day comes and then he snapsets me and i see he's back and i see he's back home and he didn't text me. So I was like something's definitely wrong because that's not like him at all. So I've reached out to him. I'm like, hey, is everything okay? And then he responds once again like six hours later and it's like everything's fine. And like that's it. So very dry. So I'm like telling my friends and they're like maybe he's just having a bad day. Maybe something happened on the trip.

When you say like is everything okay, what, what is okay mean? Like is he like about getting by a bear is okay? Or like is everything okay with us? Gotcha. Yeah. So I just wanted to double. I was like, is everything okay? Like, just feel like you've been distant. And he said everything was fine. Like, no further elaboration or anything. So the next day comes, I'm like, I'll give him the day. Just see how he acts. Same thing. Like, only hear from him once that day. At this point, how long you guys been talking for? About two months. What are the expectations or labels, if any? Yeah, there's no labels, but I mean, we're both not seeing anyone else at this time. And we talked about that, but there's no, like, boyfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend label. So I reach out to him and I'm like, hey, you've definitely been off recently. Like, what's wrong?

He responds, and he's like, sorry, I haven't been communicative with you. The whole you moving home thing is really starting to affect me. And I'm like, okay, like, I'd let you know. know that previously. So I was just kind of annoyed that that was what was causing this. So I'm like, okay, like, I think it's best if we talk about it in person. And then he agrees to that. So we meet in person. And then I was staying at school for like the whole summer after I graduated. And so was he. So we both, we had a conversation. And he was like, I'm sorry that I, like, reacted that way and was distant from you because of my feelings. And I was like, that's okay. Like in the future,

like, if you feel that way, you can handle it differently, just communicate to me. That's big thing for me. And he was like, okay, yeah. So we ended that conversation and just left off that we were going to spend the summer together and just like see where things go. So like everything's completely fine for like two, three weeks after that. And then he starts doing the same thing that he did last time, starts answering once a day, being distant. And I'm like, okay, I know the same exact thing is about to happen? So I text him and I'm like, is everything okay? Like I feel like the same thing that happened last time is about to happen again. And then he's just making. excuses like oh no like everything's fine the exact same thing that happened last time so then i'm like

okay can we just talk about it because i don't want this to be a repeat of last time so then he agrees he comes over we talk about it and then he starts saying oh like i like don't know like how i feel about this like i'm just overwhelmed like i've never hung out with someone like as much as i've hung out with you like i'm not that type of person and i'm just like in the moment i'm not even realizing how like stupid it sounds because it's not like I was always the one asking him to hang out. Like he was the one asking me to hang out. So it wasn't like only one sided. Like it was he was always asking me to hang out. And I'm just like, okay, well, why would you keep asking me to hang out if you aren't that type of person who hangs out with someone multiple times in a week? And he would buy me gifts. Like this was not

one sided at all. And he was making it out to be like this was a one sided thing. And then we ended that conversation. I felt so much worse than I did before because like it wasn't like last time he was saying that basically, like, he doesn't want to, like, hang out as much. And I was like, okay, this doesn't make sense. So then after that conversation, he completely just went off the grid. Like, I texted him nothing, complete ghost. So I'm like, what the heck? Like, I'm about to leave the state to move 11 hours away in, like, two weeks. So I'm like, this is just bad timing. Like, I don't want to end on, like, this bad note, like, where he just completely ghosted me. so I don't hear from him for like a week.

And then I decide that I'm going to reach out to him and just see, like, I'm sorry, like, if I overwhelmed you. And then he texts me back and is like, I'm sorry. Like, I acted that way. I was just thinking about you. Like, I miss you. And I'm like, okay, so we start talking again for like that week. And then I ask him if he wants to hang out for the weekend. And then I was planning on telling him that I'm leaving the state in three weeks when we hang out.

So that week goes by. Everything's fine. We're scheduled to hang out on Sunday. And then I text him Saturday night confirming the plans. He says, yes, I'm very excited. Sunday comes. I text him, what do you want to do today? He says anything you want to do.

And that's the last they heard from him. Okay. Yeah. So why do you need to block him? Because there's more after this. Like that is just one part. So I don't hear from him. He lets me leave.

I text a huge paragraph. Like, I'm literally leaving the state and you let me leave and completely ghost me without saying anything. to me, don't hear from him. So I move away without saying bye, without saying anything. A month passes, and then he reaches out to me and says, I know this is out of the blue and so random, and I know you're probably not happy with me, but I miss you so much. And I'm sorry for how I acted. So I'm like, oh, my God, what do I do? So I respond back after like two hours. And then that's when like things, we start talking again. And all my friends are telling me, it's so stupid to answer him and

continue after like what he did. He fully let me leave the state without saying by to me. And then we start talking again. And then two weeks go by, he does the same thing. He just keeps repeating the exact same pattern. And I know I sound stupid for like to keep responding and all this. But so he does the same thing. And then he comes back again. Two weeks later, he comes back. And I was supposed to go visit my college. And he knew that. So he reached out to me and was like, are you still coming next weekend? And I was like, yeah, I'm coming. And then he was like, can stay with me if you want. And me being stupid, I was like, okay, I'll stay with you.

So then I saw him that weekend at school and like everything went so good. So it's like when we're together, like it's so good. But then he just repeats the exact same pattern of like he'll last for two weeks and then ghost me. So I feel like I should just block him to like end this pattern or like I don't know if like. I think really blocking is only effective. It's if it's helping you enforce a boundary you're trying to say. Yeah. And that boundary is to not let people who are, who have shown you who they are, so to speak.

Yeah. And showing you that they lack either consistency or immaturity or are mature. But you are, for whatever reason, I have a hard time. And forcing that boundary and giving into the temptation. So yeah, I mean, if it seems like you're recognizing that. Yeah. I've started to learn. What do you, I mean, listen, you've, in this story, you called, you called yourself stupid a few times and we're hard on

yourself, but like you're also not denying that you recognize you're probably making decisions you shouldn't make. So I guess other than like confirming that maybe yeah, you should block him, what else can I help you with? I'm just wondering like, because why does he keep disappearing and coming back? Because like we're not in the same state anymore. Like I don't understand like what he gains from doing this. Why does that matter? What would be an answer that would make a difference? Like just to confirm that like he actually did care. Because, like, he literally, like, at one point, like, everything was so good. And, like, I just don't.

I'm, like, just having a hard time, like, understanding why. And what would him, if you could somehow magically, if this is how we did it and we don't, but it's just for argument's sake, rated our love at a scale of one to ten. Yeah. Ten being your love of his life. Yeah. Five being like, yeah, he was pretty in love with you. And one, like, he didn't care about you at all.

Mm-hmm. Why would it matter today what number that was? I guess it wouldn't, it wouldn't really matter. It just matters, like, just so I know that. Just what? Just so I know that, like, what we did have, like, wasn't, like, I didn't make it up. It was real. And, like, he actually did that feeling for me because the things that, like, he did,

it just, it's just hard to understand how somebody. Has any feeling you ever felt not been real? No. Not on my end. They've all been real. And have your feelings changed? What do you mean? Have you ever felt one thing in the past only to have that feeling?

to no longer feel that way in the future? Like, not really. I feel like every feeling that I'm just like... You've never had a feeling change? You've like... Well, in life, yes, of course. Your favorite movie, like five years ago, is your favorite movie today?

No, no. In life, yes. In this situation, I'm saying. No, in life. Yeah, I'm asking you in life. Yeah, yeah. Yes, in life many times. Yeah.

Okay. So why can't he be the same? I know. That's what I'm having trouble with because I know that I should hate him and that... Why should you hate him? because I just feel like what he did. I mean, it's a pretty strong word.

And like, you know, you've spent a lot of energy on this guy. For one, I just want to remind you, not your boyfriend. Yes, you're right. Not someone that either of you were like, hey, let's really make the effort here. How old are you again? 23. 23. You know, you know, so, you know, you're young, but you're certainly old enough that if you met the right person and felt like,

like I can't let them go. You could fight for like, you know, like something really serious. And, you know, you were, you were fighting for keeping in touch

after you moved away. Yeah. Like not that significant. Yeah. I know. I guess like when we were together, we were talking about like, where like we would both want to move after graduations.

We were talking about like ending up in the same place and like, talk. I don't know. I guess I was holding. Yeah. I was just like holding out hope that like in the future it could work. even though like right now we weren't like in the same place that it could end up working. There's a part in your story where the first time he kind of showed these signs.

He's like, I'm not this type of guy, which I agree with you. It doesn't really make sense. Like what is that type of guy? Yeah, exactly. Is that like a really nice way of saying you're just a fuck boy or like what do you? Yeah. What are you saying? And then and then kind of in a gas-lady sort of way kind of made.

you feel like you made him do something he wasn't comfortable doing, like committing? And I guess my question to you and my hope for you, and I think the biggest takeaway I hope you take from this call is that you ignored your intuition about his behavior. And this was a guy who at best didn't make any sense. And at worse, was admitting that I'm not what I'm, I mean, not even like, he was literally saying I'm not what you're looking for. I'm not this guy. Yeah, you're right.

You know, and then his actions, while you claim are confusing, were exactly what he told you he was. Someone who pops in and out when he wants, but doesn't want to feel the obligation to have you have expectations of him when he has other things going on in his life. Yeah. And so when he calls you and reaches out to him and says, I miss you, that's not a lie. Yeah. That is him like, yeah, today I.

I miss you. I haven't seen you in a while. I had other things going on. I don't feel they need to tell you. You're not my responsibility. You're not my girlfriend. But today I miss you. And right now, I want to call and reach out and I want to hear some validation from you. So I'm going to do that. Yeah. And that is exactly who he said he was. He didn't even have to show you. He told you. And yet your response, and again, I'm not trying to pick on you. You had a very normal response. But your response was to act. confused. Yeah. Even though his words and his actions actually fully matched up. Yeah, no, you're right. You know? Yeah. Also, like, after I had visited him and he was talking about, like, coming to visit me,

and he was when he brought it up, it wasn't even me. He was like, I want to come visit you. Like, I'll fly out. And I'm like, okay, like, I didn't fully trust that he's actually going to do that, which he did not end up doing. But I just, like, don't know why he would even say that or want to do that. If it felt good. He was trying it out. I don't know. Yeah. Maybe that day he was like, oh, that's a cool idea. And then he changed his mind. Yeah. But even if he did fly out, what would that mean? I guess it really wouldn't mean anything unless he was willing to, like, work it out or actually commit to me. Yeah. It would be like he was willing to get on a plane or drive and have a fun weekend. He was willing to have an adventure. Yeah. And have you be in that adventure. Yeah. And then after he didn't end up visiting, I sent him a text and I was like, listen, like, I don't. don't really want to do this anymore. I don't want to talk to you if like you're not going to

actually commit to me. And then he ended up answering and was like, yeah, like you mean the world to me, like all this stuff. Like I love having you in my life. But right now, like I can't give you what you need basically. It was like a lot longer than that. But that's just a summary. And I was like, okay, great. Like then we don't have to talk anymore. That's what it is. And then he didn't answer my last text, which is fine. But then he kept trying to like Snapchat me. So I stopped Snapchating him. I was like, we're not going to do this anymore. Yeah, that says him finding little different ways to stay in contract with you and have control over the situation. Yeah, so I cut that off. He wants to be able to do things when he wants to do. Yeah. I mean, like for you, it's just like you have to, you have to,

you have to try to stop, you know, like you pointed out, you called yourself stupid a lot when you told that story. You're not stupid. I mean, you know you're not stupid. Yeah. Sometimes you see yourself doing, quote unquote, stupid things, but whatever. So what? You took a risk. Yeah. Right. The only thing you need to change, in my opinion, is accepting the choices that you make, right? You know, for example, if you go to Vegas and gamble, you know, you know that like the odds aren't in your favor, right? Yes. But, you know, yolo, you know. So whatever amount of money you decide to bet, you just have, you have to own your choices and decisions.

And when you choose to take risks, you have to acknowledge it's a risk. I'm going to go and gamble today. I'm going to gamble $500. it's slightly more than I probably should budget, but like I'm feeling a little risky. I'm feeling I want to, you know, and if you lose that money, what you're doing the thing,

you're just like beating yourself up and being like, I shouldn't know, I can't believe I do that. It's just like you did it. You know, you knew going in. So just own that you did it.

Accept it. Take the L. Hopefully it wasn't like such a, you know, huge loss that you really have to recover from. I mean, most of your, you know, most of our bad choices are just like more annoying, obnoxious things that we do where we should have known better. Yeah. But like, you'll enjoy your life more, a lot more when you just like own your mistakes, you know?

Like, I mean, listen, when I, my wife and I obviously we first started dating, we had a bit of an age difference. And like that was a, I, I, it's worked out, you know, I'm grateful I did it. But like, I wasn't going to beat myself up over, you know, if I, I chose to. I chose a date. Yeah. There was a good chance in the first couple of years we could have not worked out, I suppose, and our age difference could have definitely played a role. And I wasn't going to be like, why did I do?

I mean, I knew why I did that. There were a lot of reasons for me to say yes to that. And there were some risks for sure. Yeah. You know, but if you're going to make choices that are really risky and you're like, I know I shouldn't do this. Yeah. Then at least own it.

You know? It's like, fine. I did it because I wanted to have. fun and I knew nothing would come of it. You're doing the thing as it like you're, you're not owning your choices and you're kind of diluting yourself into, and you're lying to yourself, trying to convince yourself, there's hope or meaning behind the things that he's doing when in reality, he is literally telling you, I enjoy having you around when it's convenient for me. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely like read too much into things and like every little thing. I'm like,

oh, what does this mean? Like this must mean something. But. you're right like it doesn't have to mean anything especially with most young men that you're dating i mean they're not they're not yeah it means that they wanted to do it in that moment yeah yeah you're very right and if if something changes it means that it changed yeah you know feelings change all the time you know yeah um and that obviously is scary and discouraging often but to protect ourselves over that that's where you have to make smarter decisions or you have to put up some of those guardrails. So yeah, block block them, right? Because right now it's in your head. Okay. And you're having a hard time not reading into things. Yeah. But this is not a person who

wants a girlfriend. And yeah, he can both enjoy your company. He can think you're great. He can be attracted to you. And he can also just be not ready to have a girlfriend. Yeah. Instead of feeling rejected by him, why don't you just accept that he has like his, he's got a lot of flaws. Yeah. And instead of feeling rejected, you know, start rejecting those flaws. And if you still want to like have a good time because despite all his flaws, he's still a pretty good lay or he's makes you laugh. Yeah. You know, like it's a lot easier to be friends with people, to hang out with people when you accept who they are as people and stop expecting more than their capable.

of giving you and stop convincing yourself or your ego specifically that you're so great that they are capable of changing for you. Yeah, no, you're right. I just like have a hard time. Like, because like deep down I know that like he's not, clearly not the person for me and that I don't like the way that he acts. Like for some reason, like I just have such a hard time like letting go of like him. Yeah, I would stop telling yourself that. Stop telling yourself that you have a, you know, there's something about him that I can't explain. Yeah. At least, again, it's just like, I'm, I'm making choices that I know are silly.

Yeah. And those choices are often causing me to, you know, be sad and frustrated at times. But I know why I'm sad and frustrated. It's not because of him. It's because I am ignoring all the red flags. And fine. Okay. I'm an adult.

I can ignore red flags, but I'm not going to act surprised. that I'm feeling a little sad sometimes every time I ignore a red flag. Yeah. So. No, you're so right. If I don't block him,

he's going to come back again. Like, there's no doubt in my mind because he's done it a million times. Yeah, and it's not confusing. Yeah. Like,

I don't know why I, like, act surprised because, like, I know he's going to do it and I know what's going to happen. Yeah. Oh, you're right, because he did come back.

After I sent him that big text, like saying that I didn't want to do this anymore if he couldn't commit to me. He did end up texting me two months later. and he like sent a memory of us like from Snapchat like so random and was like miss you and I'm like okay like why just like why do you have to do it it's just so annoying and like obviously I answered because because he it's a it's a game you know because he can yeah because you respond because you play in because you make it fun for him yeah yeah in his mind it can't be that bad I mean if he was

if what he was doing was that bad you would stop exactly yeah I feel like When I get the chance, I don't even, like, say how I actually feel to him because I'm like, oh, I want him to come back again. Like, I don't know why I want that. But I'm like, I don't want to, like, say how I actually feel. Toxic stimulation. It's fun. It's exciting.

It's, it's, you know, feeling anything is fun. Oh, yeah. You're not bored. No. And the brain prefers pain to boredom. Yeah, that is true. You know? Yeah.

So. And I was back in our college town, like, two weeks ago. And I was supposed to see him. And, like, he knew. that he texted me like two weeks before. I was like, I'm so excited to see you. I miss you so much. And then literally three days before I was supposed to go. He was like, oh, I have to go back home on Friday, like for an appointment, but I'll be back Saturday. And of course, like the one, I was like, okay, I don't really know how, like it kind of sounded like an excuse. I don't know if

I'm reading too much into that. I mean, it could happen that he didn't like realize he had this appointment, whatever. But I don't know. All right. So like, if someone says, I'm really excited to see you, I miss you so much. Mm-hmm. I guess in a world that could mean true love. Yeah. On the flip side, you've probably said that about pizza before.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. Haven't had pizza in a while. Pizza night? You're like, wow, I'm really excited to see you. I have missed you so much. I'm really going to enjoy spending this quality time.

with you pizza you know and I you know so just remember that that sometimes it's not that much more serious than how we feel about food we get excited we express our feelings yeah I'm not saying it's okay and obviously like it's a lack of maturity on their part but like when people show you who they are again believe them when they demonstrate yeah you know immature qualities and show you that they are people who kind of, you know, are very expressive about the things that, you know, it doesn't necessarily mean more than that. So sometimes they like us as much as food. Yeah. You know, I guess, I guess you're right. So like, you think it's better to block him than to, like, let him see that I'm like. That is entire living life. Do you, do you real, okay, do you understand

the problem with your question? Yeah. That I like still care what he thinks. Yeah. Yeah, I shouldn't care at all. What do you think? I mean, it's human to acknowledge that you do. And I think that would be assigned to, yes, block him because, again, blocking is a boundary setting hack. That's all it is. It's all it should be treated as. It shouldn't be used as a game playing tool. Oh, you're blocked. You can't have access to me now. And then I'm going to like secretly, and then like two weeks go by, I'm just going to unblock them. Yeah. And that whole game, you know, that's, that's a game playing tool. But like if it's if it's you to say, all right, whatever, you know, I'm addicted to this pizza. And so I'm going to unsubscribe.

Yeah. So that I'm not tempted. Yeah. So you got to see it as something to help yourself, not a way to be right or validate your feelings. Like, again, he's just, it's not even necessarily with you. Because again, this is a guy who is literally was like, listen, I'm not this guy. I'm not, I'm not, it wasn't like I'm dating someone else. It wasn't like, listen, I just don't, I don't, I don't like you. It is, I don't, you, you expect too much for me. Yeah. I want to hang out with you on Saturday. I want to do whatever. I want to have so much fun with you. And I want to tell you in that moment, how I feel about you in that moment. And on Tuesday, I don't want to have to expect to reach out to you. And I don't want to have to respond to text messages. Is everything okay just because I want to hang out my bros. or I don't want to care about you every day of the week.

But I do like having fun with you and you're cool. And when I am bored and when I need some company and you are a really great option. And that's what he wants. And he literally told you that. I just don't get why he would like buy me gifts. Like he would buy me flowers like when he would go. Because it makes him feel good. Okay.

That's just because it makes him feel like a good guy. Just good. You know, like it's a love language. of his. I'm an acts of service guy, right? So when I get a cup of water from my wife, I'm, I mean, sure, I'm doing it for her, but it makes me feel, it makes me feel good. It makes me feel good that I'm showing her, you know, love. I mean, he's not showing you love, but he is showing you affection. And then you, you respond in kind. And that makes him feel good, you know, and it makes him feel good to do a nice thing. Yeah. You know, it's, you know, he could afford it, you know, and he's not, you know,

He didn't do it. He just, he wanted to. I just feel like that's misleading if he didn't. Maybe, I guess. But again, you've kind of played into allowing that. Like if you're at the store at a grocery store and maybe you look at your cart, it's pretty full, the person behind you has, like, less items and you let them go forward. I mean, does it have to be anything more than a nice gesture? No.

Are you in love with them? If you let them skip ahead? No. Should they read into it? No, they shouldn't. It made you feel good. Okay. I guess that makes sense.

And I just have to not read into every little thing so much. Yeah, listen, there's a chapter in my book or I mean it's a chapter or a section or whatever. And something around the stop asking yourself why and start asking yourself what. You are not asking yourself what happened. You are asking yourself why it happened. And the what ratters more. Yeah. Like what happened was he was like, yo, I don't want this thing.

You know, I don't want you to expect. This is too much for me. I am not this guy. And you're like, but why? Yeah. Why not? Why am I not good enough for you to do that? You know, why are you giving me gifts?

Yeah. What did he do? He got me a gift. Okay, cool. Like, it didn't come with strings attached. It didn't come with a proposal. It didn't come with a commitment. It was just a gift.

And all it cost him was literally the monetary amount that he had to pay for it. Yeah. And you thanked him and he felt good about it. I don't know. It just seemed like he switched out. like so quick from like that first time. You're still stuck in the lie. You're just, you mean, you know, listen, I, I, I, I, we could do this for literally

hours. Yeah. And you, and clearly you have. You're reaching out me because you've already exhausted all your friends. Yeah. And no judgment. I've been you. I've been you so many times.

But it won't stop until you just wanted to stop. And you just have, you have to recognize how much energy and time you have wasted. And that could have gone to so many. other more meaningful things in your life. Friends, family, personal career, I don't know, work, whatever, literally anything at any point in your life, if you've ever thought, oh, that would have been cool to do, go back to school, learning the language, I don't fucking know. And then you had a subsequent follow-up thought, which is like, I don't know, I don't have time for that. Matt is obviously, you know, a lie. You have just decided to invest in waste a lot of energy into a bunch

of things you know fully well aren't good for you, but you've spent all this time not just accepting that and giving into your ego and just obsessively trying to like, you know, get what you want. Yeah. Yeah. That's a big thing. I just have tried so hard to like to get this and like get what I want. Clearly, it's not meant for me. So I just have to stop like thinking about it or giving energy to it. Yeah. So and what you again, you got to, you know, you have to check yourself. You have to recognize that you're doing it. Yeah. And then you're. you have to go, wait, time out, stop, stop. Think about something else.

What's more productive? Yeah, because I definitely do recognize it, but the hard part is stopping it. You're just, you're, you're, you're ruminating in a way that you're not checking yourself. You like thinking about them. It's something to do. Yeah. You just got to try to stop that. Okay.

But it starts with controlling your thoughts. It starts with, you know, literally acknowledging what you're thinking about and then shifting that focus and something more productive. Okay. Yeah, I definitely do need to start doing that. Just to like, whenever I think about it, just tell myself to stop. All right. Okay.

All right. Hopefully this was helpful. It was. It was. Thank you. It's all up to you. You'll be done when you're ready. Yeah.

Yeah, that's very true. Like, I could stop, like, thinking about this whenever I want. The truth is you just don't want to you right now. Yeah. You know. You're right. It's a bit of an addiction. Yeah.

Because, like, I'm just, like, thinking about, like, the next time that he's going to reach out to me. It just, like, repeats the same cycle. I have to stop. So you'd at least have to own that right now, these are your choices, and this is only happening because you want it to. And when you're really done, you'll be done. Yeah. Now you're right. It's in my control. All right. All right. Good luck out there. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye. All right. Bye.