The Viall Files - E1100 Ask Nick - He's Dumping Me Because I Got The Job

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Starting point is 00:00:34 and you will be lucky you did. What's up, everybody? We have a very exciting announcement for all the Ask Nick audience out there. We have new Instagram and TikTok specifically for Ask Nick, so if you want to avoid all the pop culture and reality TV content that we're putting out there

Starting point is 00:00:53 and just focus on all things, relationship, dating, interpersonal relationships, and just ask, Nick content. Just please give us a follow. It's Ask Nick Viol on Instagram and TikTok. So give us a follow and enjoy. We'll be glad that you did. All right. Let's get to our first caller, but not before you go on and give us a follow. My name's Hannah and I'm 36. And my question is, why did the ending of my situation ship hurt worse than the ending of my actual divorce. Okay.

Starting point is 00:01:46 Where do you want to start? I guess I could start with, you know, my divorce and kind of the relationship I had with him. Okay. And why it ended. So we were together for like eight years and we do have a son together. But it was kind of like a chaotic relationship, I'd say, like lots of ups and downs, not very healthy, kind of the whole way through. So I'm the one that initiated the separation, even though I should have done a long time ago.

Starting point is 00:02:15 I did it around like October. So it is kind of still new. You ended last October. Yeah, the October that just went by, like 2025. So probably technically you're still married, I'm guessing? Yeah. Okay. You guys are definitely getting divorced.

Starting point is 00:02:28 Yeah, I've moved out. I'm in my own apartment. Okay. I'm just guessing when you asked for the separation, I'm guessing there was almost a sense. of relief. Definitely. Yeah. I was pretty much ready to leave probably about three years ago. Another layer to it, like what I think gave me the push to finally leave is I did lose my father in June. So I feel that kind of, in a weird way, gave me a push to do it. I don't know why, but I just, it did. Death and losing people we love, it's a finite thing. It makes us value our own lives a little bit more. It gives us

Starting point is 00:03:09 perspective. It reminds us that life is short. Our time is limited. And obviously, you were going in this, you were in this marriage, spinning your wheels, feeling a certain way, staying in the marriage. Obviously, you were, you know, to death do you part? And so there's this commitment you make to each other. But you were probably grappling with, do I invest in this marriage and try to make it work? or do I accept it for what it is and not waste my life and try, you know, I'm still young and I'm still in my early 30s. I guess it had something to do with along the lines. It gave you, it gave you perspective that you weren't processing until the loss of your father. Mm-hmm. The perspective is a good way to put it. Like, definitely, like, after losing him,

Starting point is 00:03:55 it's like, okay, if I can handle that, if I can get through that, I can do this. Sure. almost like do you know what I mean yeah like and it was like he agreed on the separation it wasn't like he was begging me to stay or anything he was pretty quick to move on um right on to like the dating sites and he started seeing someone kind of right away how that made you feel it hurt a bit but i still didn't like want him back it just hurt your ego yeah yeah a little bit like yeah it's still kind of shitty to think of them with somebody else sure obviously but hey listen When we end relationships, like, it's like, I don't want you, but I want you to still want me. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:04:37 Yeah. So then I guess fast forward just until around like December, like I wasn't looking for anyone else, even though he was kind of with somebody else, but somebody just randomly added me to Instagram. I didn't know him. We had me a lot of mutual friends. I think that's how he, I must have popped up on his Instagram or whatever. And then we just started talking and I ended up, you know, liking him a lot.

Starting point is 00:04:59 And yeah, he just. I just abruptly ended it just like last week. And it like, it really hurt. Like it devastated me, I feel. Like, sure. Yeah. And worse than when I left my marriage. Well, it's just apples and oranges.

Starting point is 00:05:16 I mean, we can talk more about your situation. But I always like to say this. But if we were, if we weren't on this call and had some time to work things through, and I just ran into you in the elevator. And you're like, oh, my God, Nick, I have this quick question. Why am I, you know, processing my situation worse than my divorce? and I'm like, all right, well, I got like two minutes. I feel pretty confident giving your answers to why, because, you know, you, again, I asked

Starting point is 00:05:40 you, it was like, you ended the divorce. You saw that through, and you saw it through. Actually, you did more than see it through. You were like, and when I look back, I think deep down, I knew I was probably this marriage wasn't working a couple years ago. And then you kept trying, and you still fought. And you probably did a bunch of different things in those three years to see if they can make this work.

Starting point is 00:06:00 And by the time you left, not only were you not even that sad, you were kind of relieved because deep down, you knew this wasn't for you. And the only thing that was really keeping you in that marriage was, you know, the commitment to each other, you're for fear of what people might say about you, the fear of moving on, the messiness of a divorce, the fact that you guys share a child together, you know, all like understandable concerns. But like none of which was, I'm not sure how I feel about this person. Am I going to miss them? Am I going to be regretful to like end this man? marriage and is he the best thing that ever happened to me? Am I being selfish? Am I wondering if there's more out there for me? It was none of that, right? So like once you finally had the courage to say, I think we should separate, that was probably a very liberating feeling. You not only were you not sad, you were confident, you felt good about it. You were like, oh, thank God. It's like, you know, you were like, why didn't I do this sooner? The fear of doing it was much worse than the reality of doing it. And I had been in relationships where it was like, I mean, there was one relationship I ended where it was like the best day of my life when I dropped. Well, I did get congratulated quite a bit.

Starting point is 00:07:07 He actually separated. And it was just like a weight off my shoulders. And it was like, I'm free, you know, like. I kept saying that actually. Yeah. Like, I'm like, I'm free. Like, I kept saying that to my friends. Like, yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:20 And then you met this guy and there's a lot of things you liked about him and it was new and it was exciting. And I don't doubt that he probably presented. a lot of qualities that you didn't get in your past relationship, which made me made you really like him and really excited about the possibility. And then I don't know where he ended it. So why are you processing that harder than the divorce? It's because this is like you have a bunch of unknown answers. You were excited.

Starting point is 00:07:46 You didn't have control over this situation. You didn't get to see this through. You feel like you don't have closure. So, I mean, it's apples and oranges. It's not because one was a situation. You know, it's like, you're thinking this was a marriage. This should be, this should be harder. This was a situation.

Starting point is 00:08:05 This is barely, this is almost nothing. Yeah. Why do I feel this way? You're not processing the loss of him, but you are processing, and probably what is still a little scary for you is the unknown of your future. All the times while you were still married to that guy, your ex-husband, I'm sure at times, you're like, well, what if I did leave? What would that look like?

Starting point is 00:08:27 What will dating? be like. I'm sure there was a little bit of excitement. There was also probably a lot of fears. I'm sure most people who listen to this show, because they enjoy hearing everyone's stories who are currently in, like, half the relationship and every time, and every time I'm like, man, the dating landscape fucking sucks out there. It's brutal, man. Everyone listening is like, oh, like, thank God, I'm in a relationship. You're like, I don't know if I want to be in this relationship, but damn, dating, you know, it sounds scary out there. And then wouldn't you know it, some guy reached out. And this is a situation of it. Yeah, some guy reached out to you.

Starting point is 00:08:58 and hit you up and you're like, oh my God, this is fucking easy. This is great. And then you met him and you're like. It came right to me. Yeah. And it was great. And then he left. And so, yeah, there's probably a little bit of like the reality that moving on in the

Starting point is 00:09:12 dating from a dating aspect might not be as easy. But more than that, it was probably just like the loss of the excitement and the possibility of the unknown. Yeah. And I think that's what I was going to say too. Like I was just like so happy and so excited for the first time. a long time too. And then it just like went away within like a couple hours. Like it just I don't know where. Like everything was normal one day. And then the next he was just, yeah,

Starting point is 00:09:37 I'm taking a step back. Like I don't know where. So yeah. It just all went away. Yeah. You have to give yourself some grace in the sense that like even though you were ready to move on, you're still obviously healing from that divorce. You're still figuring out what this new life looks like for you. And he was probably a really great distraction from that. And now you're back into the reality of a newly divorced single mom. Like actual. Like this time. Like I feel like he did give me the push to stay away from my ex and not.

Starting point is 00:10:11 Well, also the part is like once you like left your ex and you had this feeling of like, woo, yeah, all right. I got nothing but optimism in front of me. You know, all these new possibilities. and then again the reality is the reality of being single and the reality of dating out there yeah it just smacked you in the face now you're you know the your insecurities or ego or whatever is this like well bitch you know like well here we are this is going to be a grind that's probably where all these feelings they're coming from and why it hurts it's it's definitely not about this

Starting point is 00:10:52 guy how long do you hang out with them for like two months okay But yeah. It's embarrassing, really how much it occurred from only like two months. Two months is a decent amount of time. But we talk like every single day. Exactly. So over two months, you can build a pretty meaningful like connection with someone. You know, you can certainly develop feelings.

Starting point is 00:11:11 It doesn't mean you know everything about these people and doesn't mean like had you got married instead of him leaving. It would still be a huge leap of faith. We're going to get married based of how we feel now. And we're going to hope that what we learn about each other. over the next couple years, doesn't change how we feel, which is a huge leap of faith. I think it's really just that. And I think maybe you just have to like, again, I think it's really, you have to really

Starting point is 00:11:36 give yourself some grace. This is about narratives in your head and not questioning yourself or it's just kind of accepting that that happened. That's a bummer. I definitely got excited. It was a really fun distraction. And it was a fun distraction that had some really exciting. possibilities and now it doesn't anymore. It's so fun to to like someone and think about the exciting

Starting point is 00:12:03 possibilities. And so that was just ripped away from you. And now that's the thing too. Like the day before he was talking about, you know, the future and all this stuff. And then all of a sudden, he has family issues or something. And he was trying things out. Yeah. We do that. Well, I know he was like talking other people too. Because he told me. He just said, that he wasn't talking to anybody else like he was talking to me basically that's the why i'm guessing as to why you're feeling that so the important thing i think is to try to not spend that much more energy on the why um yeah and i don't that's the hard part it sure but once you know now it's just holding yourself accountable if you are agreeing with my analysis i guess and and if what i'm saying

Starting point is 00:12:54 makes sense to you. Now, like once we get off this call, if you start asking yourselves those why questions, why am I feeling this way over that, making yourself feel a little dumb for having such strong feelings for this guy that you didn't even have for your ex-husband, that's just you choosing to not think about it. And that's not you holding yourself accountable. and that is you using your free time or your mental energy to still enjoy the drama of missing him. And it keeps you preoccupied. It's something to do. You can definitely control your thoughts.

Starting point is 00:13:35 And now that you know the why and the reason, now you have to accept that. And yeah, well, things pop in your head, sure. But now you can go, wait, stop. I got to stop. I got to stop. I got to stop. And not emotionally beat yourself up. and give yourself a hard time

Starting point is 00:13:50 and treat it like an apples to apple situation. It's not. And still be excited. Nothing's changed, right? You still survived a tough marriage. And it took a lot of guts to leave that marriage. And you have no regrets about that. Correct?

Starting point is 00:14:09 No, I don't. No. And that's a huge step. And this guy showing up who was a fun distraction doesn't change any of that. Yeah. And so you just have to remind yourself that you're still in a really good spot. And everything you signed up for when you chose to leave that marriage is still on the table.

Starting point is 00:14:33 No, that's true. Yeah. It's true. Like nothing has changed actually. So, yeah, that actually makes me feel a lot better the way you just said that. Because I beat myself up quite a bit about that, about it ending, I guess. because I just started to think like, oh, it was me or I did something wrong or... You weren't as person. It's fine. You know, you only knew him for two months.

Starting point is 00:14:55 And I didn't really know him, know him. Do you know what I mean? Like, I do know. I do surface level him. Yeah. I knew fun him. Yeah. It's the hard part with dating because we try things out. We want to see, you know, and it's not we try things out because we think we're using people. We don't really know how we feel and we say it and we feel it and we feel it in the moment. And then it's just like we sit with what we said. And then we process it and you realize, I don't know, maybe I don't know. I don't know. And so he, yeah, he went through that exercise, but yes. Yeah. There's nothing you did. Nothing you did wrong. It's just not your guy. And you could sit there and go, oh, is it because I have a child? Is am I of a single mom? Is it because I got divorce? Is it because I'm still not taking me? Maybe. But again, his kids too. Sure. I'm just saying whatever the, you know, but I'm saying that the things that we do,

Starting point is 00:15:41 like things that you're doing and questioning yourself, you're making it about you. You're making it about like what did I do wrong? And I'm just saying, I'm sure he has his reasons of why he didn't want to pursue it. But that just means that like eventually those reasons would have come up in the future. He's just not your guy. And instead of feeling rejected by him, you just have to like, he's not my guy. That's also something you have to take into consideration. It was a very empowering moment for you to leave your marriage.

Starting point is 00:16:07 Fuck yeah. I did this shit. You know, I'd even felt good. And then like you didn't even have a couple months before some guys like, man, Yeah, never mind. Yeah. Like, and someone took your power away from you a little bit. And so it's less to do with him.

Starting point is 00:16:24 It's a lot for you to process in a short period of time. Like, it's like a completely different life, like in just a couple months, right? So, yeah. It would do you a lot of good to really just be proud of yourself. You made a very difficult decision. And to really be focused, be excited about the. possibilities because nothing's changed like I said yeah you have your child I imagine you enjoy actually yeah so you have your kids I imagine you really enjoy them I imagine they are important to you

Starting point is 00:16:57 talking to a lot of women who are out there dating who hope to have kids someday and haven't had the opportunity to do that no matter what happens in your dating life going forward you will always have your kids you know your friends yeah you know and so I do have great friends yeah and I'm mom so she's still around so yeah I look at it for what it was a a fun little rebound a fun little moment must have been fun to just kiss someone for the first time feeling new feelings for a new guy that was fun and it was it's still fun and and you don't you don't have to take anything away from that just because he left and and hurt bruise your ego you can still be like that was a fun time i needed that all the important things i have in my life i still have yeah that's

Starting point is 00:17:45 a really good way to look at it, honestly. The reason you had the guts to leave that marriage is because you looked around and you saw your children, you saw your friends, you saw your family, and you're like, I can lose this guy. And honestly, I still haven't lost all the important connections I have in my life. And you have all those. And you still have all those. So now you just have to like get back out there when you're ready. I would deprioritize dating a little bit.

Starting point is 00:18:15 As much as you want to get out there, I would be open to dating. I would be excited about the possibility, but I would be cautious about jumping on the apps. I'd be cautious about asking your friends if they know any single guys, things like that. I would be cautious about going out with your girlfriends

Starting point is 00:18:31 and only prioritizing where are the hot men, you know, and things like that. I would really try to be in the moment and just have some fun and really enjoy the company of your friends in ways that you weren't able to enjoy them while you were trying to like make a marriage work and really into the relationship with your kids and really try to just be grateful for what you have. And I really think that will really

Starting point is 00:18:52 help reset all this kind of ugly feelings you have from the situation ship and just. Yeah. And think of it as like this was a great thing. I'm glad this happened. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think what came down to the way you said it bruised my ego. I think maybe that's what happened a lot of it too. For sure. Because after he kind of, because he told me over text, he was taking a step back. I, and this isn't like me, but I sent him so embarrassing. I sent him like a paragraph explaining like, you know, my feelings. And then he read it and then never answered me again. I'm just like, ooh, like, I shouldn't have done. Like, that's not like me. I never used. I would never have done that like before. But I was just more like, what the heck? Like, you were fine yesterday.

Starting point is 00:19:40 Like, yeah, that's normal. I mean. And you pursued me. You don't get to end it. We've all done that. Thank God there's that unsend option now. Yeah, I should have done that. You still can. Or just go back and like it. I'm glad you're able to laugh.

Starting point is 00:20:01 I mean, you have to be able to laugh at this stuff. I mean, it's just, it shook you up a little bit. Yeah, yeah, it did. You got to look at this as an exciting time in your life. The only memories I have of my past. past relationships are the bad times because they're the times I survived. And it's so true. I, the only time I ever reminisce about past relationships, I just think of this text message you sent this guy. You're already laughing now. That's a great sign. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:20:31 But you're just like, I was so fucking stupid and it's funny. Like, why did I do that? And like, that's fun. I mean, I don't know. I think about that stuff from time to time. And I never reminisce. about like some date that we had or some really romantic night or or some fucking anniversary celebrated no I remember when I was down bad and feeling like like life was going to end and I didn't know how to move on and and ways that I just obsessed and made bad situations worse and I laugh I laugh at myself and I laugh about the silliness of it all and but more importantly most importantly I'm just kind of grateful from what I learned of those from the real experiences and that I survived them. And as we get older, your divorce will be a

Starting point is 00:21:20 really important moment in your life because you survived it. You know, the loss of your father, obviously that's a little different because you will always miss your father and you're never going to look back as a good time losing your father. But you, like you said, you survived that. And just so much anxiety is us worrying about the future. It's the unknown. It's the unknown of bad things are going to happen and I don't know if I'm going to get through them. Will I be able to pay my bills in six months? Things are going really great now. What if I lose at all? How will I respond? Those are all the things that makes us anxious. That's why I'm generally an anxious guy because I'm always ruminating and I'm always like I have this. My therapist tells

Starting point is 00:22:02 me I have embassment issues. My childhood I have a scarcity mindset because we grew up with a lot of money and things like that. So now that I'm in a position where I've accomplished a lot of my dreams and I have financial security, I'm not less anxious. I'm more anxious. You know, I'm not, I'm like, oh, you could lose it. Or it could just disappear. Not that that's going to happen, obviously, but that's your fear. Exactly. So what helps me is knowing what I've survived and knowing that I don't know what the future will hold, but I know that I will survive it. I will get through it. I don't know how. but once you do, you rarely regret those things because then you realize, because then you meet people and experiences happen, even when it comes down to like business opportunities, I've had

Starting point is 00:22:49 business opportunities that had substantial dollar signs attached to them that didn't come through, right? And then when you think, when you're talking, you know, talking to my manager, talking to my team, my agent, and, you know, like, oh, this is this an opportunity. There's this dollar sign attached to it. And you start like, you start assuming, it's already a done deal. And then that doesn't come through for whatever reason. And you're like, I just lost out on X number of dollars. Oh, fuck. You know, that sucks. And then wouldn't you know it? Two months later, something else comes along. It's a better opportunity. It's more money. One, what it doesn't happen if the other does. It's just having that awareness without having to overthink it.

Starting point is 00:23:28 That allows us to work through the disappointing times and allows us to not be anxious enough. And that's where the, you know, being more mature or more emotionally regulated is to be able to process these feelings on our own or with a therapist. For me, it took me months to process this shit. Now I can do it in an afternoon with a phone call with my therapist or my wife. It's like, okay, yeah, I do feel this, but here's the why. I don't need to understand it no matter what or work through it. And just having that confidence that you will work through it, we'll get you there. So. Well, I actually just started therapy yesterday. Congratulations.

Starting point is 00:24:09 Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. So I challenge you to not use your time in therapy to relitigate the past just for the sake of it. You know, things you've already worked through in process, try not to go back and ruminate over them. Yeah. Therapy is a funny thing because we can over-therapies.

Starting point is 00:24:33 And depending on who your therapist is. You know, some therapists will just keep spinning that wheel. Some therapists will call it out and be like, maybe let's move forward, you know, stuff like that. But at the end of the day, it's just going to come down to you. When you reach a milestone, like an emotional milestone, I think it's important that you kind of recognize it and hold yourself accountable and not backtrack. The challenge part is like all this is just internalizing. It's all our inner monologue. It's all our thoughts.

Starting point is 00:25:03 So it really is important for you to. recognize, all right, I had this conversation. I got some good advice or this was helpful for me. Try not to, like, whether it's your therapist or in your own head, sure, feelings will come up a week from now. But a lot of people will just, you know, for the sake of doing it, because it's something to do, they'll choose to ignore all the progress they made, the advice they got from a therapist or some podcast gosh, you know, drinks with the girls. And you will like, because it's fun, tell that story again. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:35 I'm guilty of that. That gets you emotionally stuck. We're the main characters around life. We like to re-watch good movies, right? And our favorite movie is our own life. You know, and so we like to... Not lately, but... You're still entertained by it, and it's the thing you enjoy talking about the most.

Starting point is 00:25:51 Yeah. It's re-watching your favorite movie, even though that favorite movie has a scene in it that really makes you sad, but you watch it every time, and every time you watch it, you cry, and you know you're going to cry, you know you're going to feel sad, but you still rewatch it every time because it's the drama of it all. And it's and and in that movie, you know that in the third act, they'll get better. It's just a very dangerous game we play with our own lives when we commiserate and rem and ruminate with our friends or with ourselves when we're alone at home, taking a bath or whatever. It's a dangerous game if we want to

Starting point is 00:26:26 make progress emotionally and move on. Yeah. Does that make sense? No, that's like a good advice. I've never been given that advice before. Like, just don't keep talking about the same thing over and over, especially the situation ship guy, I feel. Yeah, put that to bed. Yeah. Yeah. I need to do that.

Starting point is 00:26:47 I feel like the divorce is a little bit different. There's a lot of layers to that one, but. Yeah. And I'm still going through it and all that. Like, and I got to keep that man in my life. Like, you can't just go away. I can't forget about that one. Exactly.

Starting point is 00:27:00 Yeah. But, yeah. But, no, that's good advice. Help yourself and you can help yourself. Yeah. And at least be mindful that you know when you do give in to that weakness or temptation, don't do the thing that so many of us do where we are like, I just don't know why I feel so bad about, you know, I'm having a bad day.

Starting point is 00:27:17 It's like, well, because you can't. Because you've rewatched this scene 50 times. And unlike the movie that we watch, that's our favorite movie, that we can cry over the scene. You don't know how your life's, you haven't seen the end of your mom. movie? So you're stuck replaying the sad scene, waiting for an answer, waiting for that other act to move forward. So just be careful about playing that dangerous game. Oh, yeah. No, I will. Yeah. I like that advice.

Starting point is 00:27:49 Okay. Is this helpful? It really was. Honestly, I appreciate it so much. All right. Enjoy your friends. Enjoy your kids. Enjoy your family. I will. And enjoy the journey of dating. Enjoy your twins and congratulations. Thank you. Yeah, we're excited. We're a little, we're not scared, but it's kind of like, what are what are going to do? My nephews are twins.

Starting point is 00:28:12 My brother's been there. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. He's enjoyed it? Yeah, they're going to be 17 soon, but I'm jealous. I'd love to have twins. I think that's amazing.

Starting point is 00:28:24 Yeah, it'll be great. I think, yeah, we have a lot going on this year. And I think it's a challenge for all busy parents. and working parents who... Absolutely. We all want to have a cake and you too, so we'll have to figure that out, but I appreciate you saying that. Yeah, you're welcome. You've got some good things coming, so that's good.

Starting point is 00:28:41 All right. I appreciate you. All right. Take care. Appreciate you. Okay, you too. Bye-bye. How's it going?

Starting point is 00:28:47 Doing great. How about you? Good. What's your name? My name's Nicole. I'm 30 years old. Am I wrong for dating someone that my ex-press friend went out on two dates with three years ago, even though she's about to get married?

Starting point is 00:28:58 Does she know about it? And let me just kind of press. by saying that she had, when we had a falling out, which was last year, this would, our falling out happened before I started dating him. But I had met her at the same time that she had first hung out with him because we all went out for drinks. And this was like three years ago. And then they went out on two dates. And then he moved about a month into them hanging out. And so she never, like he always set the preface that they, like, he always set the preface that, like, Like, he wasn't interested in dating at that time. Okay. So is this someone you're currently friends with? No, not anymore. Not since October.

Starting point is 00:29:42 So her and I hadn't spoken for about like three months after we had a falling out in October. And then she had reached out to me in January because he had came down to visit me because he doesn't live here. We do long distance. But he had came down to visit me for my birthday weekend. And one of our mutual friends had posted a picture with him in it. So she had saw that and screenshot it and sent it to me. And she was like, are you really like, are you dating so and so? I said yes.

Starting point is 00:30:16 And I told her like, I mean, it was very random how it all happened. You know, when I met him three years ago, I hadn't spoken to him until December, which is when he had reached out to me because he had saw that I was in Chicago, which is where he lives. And I was there for a friend's birthday. And he saw my stories. And so he reached out and wanted to see if I wanted to meet up and grab a drink. And that's pretty much how it all started from there.

Starting point is 00:30:45 So it wasn't like a planned thing where I went out, went out after him. Just out of curiosity. Why do you care? I would say I care because, I mean, this friend I was friends with for, I mean, close to 15 years. Okay. The falling out was kind of, like, I was honestly kind of surprised by the whole reaction of the falling out that we had. I wasn't expecting it to kind of finalize our friendship. So I think that that was a little bit hurtful.

Starting point is 00:31:14 But I think just in the way when she had reached out to me about this guy, after I said that I was, you know, I was dating him and that I didn't really see that it would be an issue, considering her and I hadn't spoken in like three months and we're no longer friends. and, you know, they only went out on two dates. And she, I just, she really came after, like, my character. So I think, I guess I just want, like, an outsider's perspective as to if she's kind of justified in the way that she was feeling about the situation. Okay. Why did you guys have a falling out? So just to recap, this is a friend, this girlfriend of yours, you've been friends with her for 15 years, half your, since high school. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:59 Okay. So close friend, lifelong friend. And up until very recently, you guys were friends. And then in October, what, less than half a year ago, give or take. Yeah. You guys had a falling out where you're no longer friends. Yep. Okay.

Starting point is 00:32:16 What happened? So she got engaged to in August. And she had planned a bridesmaid's dinner in October to ask all of the girls that were going to be in her wedding, you know, to be her bridesmaid and ask them in person. So I had flew because I no longer live in that state anymore. So I had flew back for that. And prior to that bridesmaids dinner, after she had gotten engaged, she had mentioned about like she wanted me to be her maid of honor. Well, we hadn't spoken about that. I didn't feel like it was necessary to reconfir my title after she had said that.

Starting point is 00:32:49 And so went to the bridesmaid's dinner. I was also going through like a pretty, you know, kind of brutal breakup. But I still wanted to show up for her. and I was with her that whole day of the bridesmaids dinner, helping her set up and, like, run errands. And then fast forward to the dinner, we all open up our, like, bridesmaids boxes that she gave us. And the girl across from me had a card that said, made of honor. And it just kind of threw me off because I, like, when I opened up my card, mine said bridesmaid. And so it just was, it just caught me off guard considering, like, we had been together all day.

Starting point is 00:33:25 and I thought that if, you know, I didn't care that like the titles, like it wasn't about titles. It was just more so that my friend didn't bring that up to me before the dinner. So she didn't ask you to be a bright? You assumed that you were a maid of honor or you thought she, she asked you to do it. She had met, she had said it to me after she had gotten engaged. Like we had like that weekend after she had gotten engaged, she like told me that she wanted me to be her maid of honor and her cousin to be matron of honor. And so I just had like gone into it, you know, assuming that after she had told me that, we hadn't had a conversation about it since,

Starting point is 00:34:08 you know, she got proposed to in August. So I went into the bridesmaidsmaid's dinner thinking that I was going to be like a maid of honor. And like I said, I don't care as more so that like I felt blind set in the moment. So what happened? You know, I got up from the table, but this was like after 10 minutes like I tried to like you know not make it a big deal or anything so I walked into like another room one of her other friends came in there and had asked if I was okay and I just said I felt like hurt and blinds it in the moment and then I had a conversation with my friend like completely away from everyone else and she started getting like super defensive and she was just like I don't know why you're trying to make this day about you.

Starting point is 00:34:53 And she's like, you know, I, I don't know. She basically just said that like she was only going to have her cousin as like a matron of honor and that things had changed. And the girl that actually got the made of honor card shouldn't have gotten it. I guess she said it was like an accident. It was just a weird thing. And I just told her like, you know, I felt hurt and blindsided and that I felt kind of just uncomfortable being there.

Starting point is 00:35:18 And so she's just like, well, if you want to live. leave, you can leave. And then we went downstairs. And then she announced the whole table that she was like, so Nicole wants to leave because she doesn't understand the difference between titles. And yeah, just, you know, brought that up. She called you out? And then yes, yeah. And like, I, uh, I was just really honestly shocked by her reaction. And the next day when she had reached out, like I'd apologize because I understand that like the timing wasn't the best to maybe confront that situation. But I don't think my like behavior in the way that I reacted was like extreme. Like I did not make it, you know, a public thing in front of everyone else.

Starting point is 00:36:11 Yeah. I'd step. Well, what you're, yeah, what you're telling me. And again, there's always two sides of every story. and this happened a while back. But yes, from what you're telling me, it sounds fairly reasonable. This wasn't an actual,

Starting point is 00:36:24 this wasn't the actual wedding. So there's that. Yeah. Yeah. Certainly this is her engagement and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But yeah, you know, she told you one thing as your friend.

Starting point is 00:36:36 She ended up changing her mind. She's allowed to do that. But she did it in a way that caught you off guard because she didn't communicate it to you. And while it is her day, this dinner, you are allowed to be caught off guard and you are allowed to have hurt feelings.

Starting point is 00:36:52 Now, it sounds like looking back, did you handle it perfectly? Maybe not. I don't know, but it doesn't sound like, from what you describe, that it was outrageous. What is outrageous

Starting point is 00:37:03 is that she called you out the way she did in front of your friends for you stepping aside and saying, hey, I'm a little hurt. I just, I guess, I thought I was going to be

Starting point is 00:37:15 a maid of honor. Yeah. You know, yeah, I'm disappointed. Maybe, maybe I am making this about me, but I, you know, I have nothing else, it's my friendship means a lot to you and I was honored. You were going to. So yeah, sorry about the timing, but yeah, my feelings are hurt. Yeah. And then, you know, then you guys got into the weeds of, you know, you're hurt. You wanted some support from her or some just empathy or whatever it was. You got the opposite. You got like take it or leave it. And by the way you can go, you didn't get what you wanted. She didn't get what she wanted. Then she chose to like, like tripled out and call you out, which, you know, sounds crazy if that's how it went down. Yeah, it was. And like, and I will say the only thing that I do kind of regret saying is when I was leaving, one of the girls came up to me and was like, you know, just kind of like consoling me. She like felt bad after my friend had just kind of like announced that to the table. And I was like, you know, I just want to go to a place that has better vibes.

Starting point is 00:38:12 So that wasn't probably the appropriate thing. to say, but like, I mean, yeah. I don't know. I feel like, again, you're... When I was communicating my feelings to my friend, I never had once said, like, name called her or was, like, rude or mean to her. I just kept, like, explaining that I felt hurt and blindsetting that I was, she would have had a conversation with me beforehand.

Starting point is 00:38:38 Just... And she felt that I guess it was just completely out of line to bring it up on her day, which the whole purpose of the dinner was she even announced at the dinner before the dinner started that this is for her bridesmaids. That's the reason she's having this to like ask them officially in person. So I'm like, I get it. But I mean, I was just shocked like by her reaction. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:06 Considering how long we've been friends and like she like really knows my character. Even though like I had moved seven years ago, like we still remained really close to. Can I ask you a question? You've been friends of this person for 15 years. The story you're telling me sounds a little crazy if I'm being honest. And my question to you is, is this behavior about this one night? Is that out of pocket for her? Is it like, did she turn into a bridezilla?

Starting point is 00:39:33 Or when you reflect back on your friendship with her, did she usually expect more than she was willing to give? Yeah. I would say that that's the case. I do think that she sometimes would expect more than she's willing to give. And she tends to look at things a lot from her perspective. And I would say she's definitely more of a reactional person. So her reaction, I can't say I'm surprised by it, but I think I was surprised by it because her and I have never really had,

Starting point is 00:40:08 you know, like a confrontation like that. because I think my personality is kind of like opposite to that. So I've always, I've seen her have tiffs with other friends, but like my personality is never really clashed with hers until that moment. Yeah. Well, I think that's kind of important for you to consider. Yeah. So, and then just to put a bow on the story, you guys just stop being friends after that situation?

Starting point is 00:40:36 Yeah. She had reached out the next day. Basically sent me like novels of like. you know, that she was upset that I tried to make the day about me and that she wishes I would have brought that up on a different day, which I did take accountability for and apologize. But yeah, we never really spoke after that, after that exchange that very next day. I mean, yeah, I would, I'm glad you took accountability. And yes, you could have. Yeah. You certainly could have waited till another time to express your frustration. But all you did

Starting point is 00:41:10 was step aside. And then she came and chased you. And then she made her day about you by announcing it to the table. Yeah, which I was like mortified about because like I didn't, it wasn't something that I wanted everyone to know. I wanted to just have a conversation with my friend. And essentially just be like, hey, I hate that you're feeling this way. Like I do want to talk to you about this, but maybe let's talk about it tomorrow.

Starting point is 00:41:38 you know, would have been totally fine, but like the, she was just being very defensive and then just saying like, you know, this day, like, I don't know why you're trying to make this day about you. So, but yeah, fast forward, you know, then I start dating this guy. And so then she, she comes at me pretty strong after I said, yes, I, like, I am dating him. And she's like, there's all these people in the world and out of like everyone you choose to, to date. someone that I have hooked up with and she's like, that's just desperate to me. And I was like, first of all, I never even reached out to him. Like, he reached out to me and we have not spoken since the day that I met him with you. Like, it wasn't a planned thing. I think the thing that I will, and then I then did say to her, you know, I'm not sure why this concerns you so much when you're about to get married this year. I was like, I don't feel like, you. I don't feel like, you should be upset about somebody that you went on two dates with three years ago. I'm sure her response was something like I'm not upset about him.

Starting point is 00:42:45 I'm upset about you. Yes. Yeah. Like I guess she was like, you know, like if I, if the roles were reversed, I would have like, but I was like we weren't friends. We haven't spoken. I feel like I'm extremely respectful of my friends in that aspect. And if her and I were on speaking terms and friends, I would have messaged her and said

Starting point is 00:43:06 that he had reached out. out to me because that's this sort of friendship that we had. And just, again, just to clarify, after she sent you the long-ass text the night, day after this whole shit show dinner, how did you come to the decision that you guys were not on speaking terms? Like, was that like, did you guys agree to that? Based on the conversation, yeah, it was like, she's a friend that I feel like has a lot of opinions on things and she did not like the last guy that I dated.

Starting point is 00:43:37 And rightfully so. Like, I mean, you know, he definitely didn't treat me well. Okay. But it wasn't like I ever involved her or brought him around. And, you know, she just, I feel like she always just kind of had an opinion. And so that week when I was visiting for the Bridesmaid Center, because that's where my ex at the time lived, I had saw him. And she felt some type of way about that. So kind of leading before the bridesmaid's dinner, she already kind of was like, not in a weird spot with me, but I think she, like, there was already kind of a little bit leading up to that where she maybe felt some type of way about me. And so then.

Starting point is 00:44:23 And to be clear, because you saw your ex or boyfriend or whatever and she didn't approve this relationship. Yeah, I hadn't seen him. We, him and I broke up in September. because we were doing long distance. I hadn't seen him until I went up there for the bridesmaidsmaids there in October. They're not the first person to have a hard time getting over a toxic relationship. And you're not the first person. Yeah. Like, I mean, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:44:49 Like we've all been there. We all have friends who have been there. Certainly, when we see our friends make bad decisions, we want to challenge them and encourage them to not make those decisions. But when they do make those decisions, it's weird for them to make, as your friend would put it, make it about her. Like, why would this affect her? Like, she shouldn't feel a certain way about you.

Starting point is 00:45:12 I mean, maybe sadness, maybe some disappointment. Maybe it requires some words of encouragement or some questions in your direction. But, like, you're describing that she was personally affected by your decision to see your ex. Or at least that's how she was acting. She's just a very controlling person. Like, even so much so, like, this. because it sound crazy to say, but like, I remember one time her fiance ordered a milkshake and she got mad at him for ordering a large. Like, just weird stuff. Like, she's very, like, she was, she's just

Starting point is 00:45:48 very controlling. And so, like, I mean, I think, I think I knew that our friendship, I had felt that as, like, we've gotten older, that she maybe doesn't kind of align with, maybe some of the same outlooks that I have in life and kind of approaching things and like kind of treating people. So I did feel like a little bit of a distance with her in that aspect. But I mean, we had been friends for so long. And like I think I tried to give her grace. So I think that that's why like in that moment the way that she reacted at the Bridesmaid's center, I was just caught off guard by it because I'm definitely one to understand.

Starting point is 00:46:30 And if someone has kind of a pattern of behavior, I do understand that you have to, like, distance yourself, you know, if they're not learning from that. But, like, that was kind of just a one-off thing. So. Sounds like she sucks, to be honest. Yeah. I mean, I wanted to get, like, your perspective is, like, I guess, just like a male and just like an outside perspective. because even my friends that know both of us have kind of validated kind of the way that I feel about it. But I think it's always good to get like an outsider's perspective.

Starting point is 00:47:08 But your mutual friends don't think you're crazy. No. Okay. Well, that's a good thing. I mean, it does matter. I mean, it is important what they think even when you want to get an outsider. Yeah. But they know both of you.

Starting point is 00:47:18 They know the situation. I'm not not believing your version of the story, but I am only hearing your version of the story. Yeah, no, I could have. But listen, like, she sounds like a really selfish person. And, you know, and the fact that your friendship started in high school and is, you know, a lot of those friendships are based off of, like, history, right? And to your point, like, sometimes we don't evaluate friendships in real time about how friends show up for us and things like that. Like, our friends sometimes almost like family. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:47 Like those lifelong friends get grandfathered in. It's just like, you're my family because you're my family, not because we have a bond or like a lot in common or we get. along, I just like, you're my family, you know? And sometimes that's how like long-term friends are, right? As you reflect back, as you said, this is someone who when you think about it has had a lot of falling out with other friends. Maybe not you, because as you've said, you've never really been in conflict with her. And maybe that's partly because like you're a more passive personality and not that confrontational where she is. Yeah. And so consciously, subconsciously, you've just like you've avoided confrontation with her. So despite her personality and yours,

Starting point is 00:48:23 it's never stopped you guys from being friends and friendly. And the fact that you did move away from her probably actually extended your friendship in a way because it like stopped you from having some of these interactions on a personal level in adult life that might reveal that you guys really honestly don't have a lot in common or that you're kind of in conflict with your personalities, your values don't align when it comes to like what you expect of friendships. It probably was this, again, like it allowed you guys to really lean into the history of the friendship rather than the friendship itself, right? So then she gets engaged, right?

Starting point is 00:48:56 She gets engaged. Yeah, yeah, exactly. She throws this out there. It meant a lot to you. She called an audible. She changed her mind. And because it's, you know, the selfish person, right, who is now engaged, it's like, that's what the Brazile comes from.

Starting point is 00:49:13 You know, like, I don't think everyone turns in a Bridezella. I think people who, like, are you really used to getting their way and, like, demanding of other people and are used to demanding of, of, their friends. Now they feel like they have this like hall pass to really be obnoxious and to really be a bitch to people because it's like, this is literally about me. It's my wedding, you know? And so now she's like hopped up on on power of of this and she does this crazy thing. Calling you out that way is such a cruel, mean girl thing. It was so cruel. And all you did was you had hurt feelings. You were allowed to have them. And did like, did you handle it the best way? Honestly, I don't.

Starting point is 00:49:52 maybe honestly i don't think stepping aside and having a moment and expressing you're sad she's the one who came up to you and said what's wrong she made her day about you i did i did say i wanted to talk to her okay her friend one of the friends like did pull me or when i went up and like went in the other room to like get food she had came up to me after okay so maybe maybe you couldn't have done that all right so fine you know that's your that's your big sin do it a way where it was like i did it like discreet because I didn't want to make it a thing of the table. Yeah. So again.

Starting point is 00:50:26 But I do get that like pulling her aside because she is kind of like the, you know, the main person of focus that night. Like I do think that people are going to notice. Sure, sure. She's gone for a little bit. I'm glad you're willing to consider the role you played in this. But don't you think it's a really, don't you think it almost as we talk about it out loud?

Starting point is 00:50:45 It doesn't it sound a little ridiculous that you're kind of mentally jumping through so many hoops of like, well, I could have done this. Like, I mean, it wasn't like. Like, again, this wasn't even her goddamn wedding. This wasn't like her bachelorette party. This was a dinner to, it was like a dinner for a dinner for like a wedding. It was like, again, it's who gives a fuck? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:04 She did, but like whatever. This is not. Yeah. It's not that big of a deal. Yeah. And I think I've tended, like you said, I have been a little bit more passive of a friend with her because I just think she just has such like an intense personality. Clearly.

Starting point is 00:51:20 But I feel like I. somehow am able to handle those types of people well. I don't really get like too faced by it. I think I'd just try to kind of like, I don't know, not keep a distance, but I just don't get myself involved in some of that. But I definitely, I definitely think that, yeah,

Starting point is 00:51:41 it was just, it was a really weird situation, just how she, how she acted. And then even what she said afterwards, like the next day, basically saying like the audacity that I had to, to try and make that day about me, which she knows me really well.

Starting point is 00:51:58 And we had some mutual friends that were there at the Bridesmaid Center too. And they know that I'm not somebody that ever likes to be the center of attention. Well, listen, the most selfish people in the world are the ones who are guilty of accusing other people of being selfish, right? Yeah. They're the ones who say things like the audacity of other people, the audacity of you. to not make, make her the center of attention. She is someone who likes to be the center of attention, so much so that she was willing to call you out at dinner

Starting point is 00:52:31 to be the literal center of attention. Can I have everyone's attention? My friend here, she sucks. This friend, you go on a date with this guy, you have a falling out with this friend, as you know, and you kind of clearly have played it out in your head. Whatever, he reached out to you. And like, yeah, if there was a world where you guys were still close,

Starting point is 00:52:49 you probably would have reached out to her and said, hey, you know, Mark, I just got his random DM from Mark and I don't know, I'm single. He's like, would you care if I said yes? And, you know, and again, a lot of, you know, when it comes to friends, yeah, being cool with that, kind of 50, 50. Some people are like, I don't know. I don't care. It's funny too because like, basically how she met him was three or so years ago. She was at her cousin's wedding and her cousin's sister-in-law had brought him as a date to the wedding. And so he works in health care. I'll just, I'll say that. And so she had, she had asked his opinion on something that she had a concern

Starting point is 00:53:35 about. And so she'd asked for his number. Well, after she stole him, she was dating someone at the time, at, you know, who she brought to the wedding. Well, about a few months later, she had asked, you know, my now boyfriend, you know, and Bree shot to him and was like, like, hey, how have you been? And then that's when, you know, the first time that they had hung out was when we all, like, went out for drinks. So essentially, like, not even her relationship, but, like, things started off with them because she, like, her cousin's sister-in-law, who she's also, like, friends with, brought

Starting point is 00:54:12 this guy like brought my boyfriend to the wedding as a date. So I mean, listen, I guess and the reason why I asked for all this backstory on this friend, because it seems like that's really the heart of why you're having a hard time with this. And she called you out and

Starting point is 00:54:28 she said some hurtful things about your character and you're right. There's this kind of like, you know, friend code, girl code, whatever. But like, there's a lot of gray area here and you're struggling with it because again, like you're probably still even having processed the loss of this long-term friendship.

Starting point is 00:54:45 And maybe it's well overdue, and it doesn't sound like she's a type of friend you would really should mourn all that much. But it's still going to affect you. And it was like something you really didn't get closure from. Yeah. It was abrupt. And then this kind of coincidence happened

Starting point is 00:55:00 that some guy, she casually dated a long time ago for a brief period of time showed up in your life. And she used that as a way to like, honestly, reach out to you again. Honestly, someone like her is probably pissed that you haven't like begged for forgiveness and begged to be a part of her life. And the fact that you kind of like, okay, well, I guess we're not as close as I thought. And you kind of distance yourself was not something she wanted or expected.

Starting point is 00:55:30 Yeah. And that was the way that of you standing up for yourself. And then finding out that you started dating this guy was a way back in, honestly, to keep, you know. And then instead of this directly facing the real drama between the two of you, which is the friendship, she used this situation, right? And yeah, it's not going to come from a place of objectivity. And she's certainly not going to, like, look at her, look in the mirror and ask, like, herself what the parallels between how she met that guy and how you met that guy and whether she's even in a place to give a shit. She's conveniently telling herself that, like, you're kind of friend. I mean, she called you as a friend, you know, you haven't spoken with this person in months.

Starting point is 00:56:08 you had a falling out with you, but she called you up acting like you guys were like, had a sleepover two nights ago. And during that sleepover, you completely lied to her about some guy that you're dating that she used to date. Like, that's the, that's the energy she's bringing. And it hurts because. I almost like wanted to say to her, like, what do you expect me to do? Like, reach out to you when I start dating him, even though we weren't on speaking terms. Like that, you know, I mean, that's just not going to happen. It wasn't. Like, she also, so the month before she had reached out to me about him when she saw the picture that my mutual friend posted of us, like, I had wished her a happy birthday. And she had said that I probably just wished her a happy birthday just because to soften the blow when this came out that him and I are dating.

Starting point is 00:57:01 And I'm just like, not everything is about. Yeah. Not everything is about you. like I didn't say that to her like why not honestly very because I just feel like I don't want to engage in crazy behavior like I just feel like there's some people that are she's always has to kind of have like the final word or the final thing to say and so I um I just I I really don't like like engaging with people when people act like that because I just know it's not going to like the conversation's not not going to really go anywhere. And so she did, you know, kind of have her last word. And like she said, you know, some pretty like mean things, like saying that him and I can just live in whatever delusion. And that like, I mean, it just was like, it honestly was funny. I mean, that sounds, that sounds a little delusional on her part to be speaking with such passion about a guy when she's

Starting point is 00:58:01 engaged, which is funny since that was how you, why you guys had a falling out, uh, was sitting around her engagement. But listen, my guess is from your standpoint, just to guess that you're having a hard time processing this because there's a part of you that realizes, sounds like you're happy so far early in this relationship with this guy, and that's great. And there's a part of you that's, now that she knows and now that you know that she's upset about it, there's a part of you that's probably worried that this is really going to solidify the end of this friendship.

Starting point is 00:58:33 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. and I think it's just more so like the character attacking because like she basically Yeah, but like that's not. I can't. But after talking this through with you,

Starting point is 00:58:45 yeah. You know what your intentions were when this all happened, when he reached out, however he reached out, you know whether you did something shady or not. Or or this was more of a serendipitous situation where like there were some kind of weirdness to it because of the history. But like you didn't do anything wrong. Like that's pretty black and white.

Starting point is 00:59:05 and you know that answer. And then you also know this person who reached out and attacked your character is someone who, like, has a history of playing dirty and being mean when she doesn't get her way. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. And so you just have to, like, process that that way.

Starting point is 00:59:23 Again, you're upset about, be upset. You lost a friend, that's sad. Yeah. But you're giving her too much power to actually listen to some of her criticism when deep down you know her criticism is a little delusional and a little out of pocket and not coming from a place of objectivity, but anger and resentment and frustration on her part. And you know you're not doing anything wrong.

Starting point is 00:59:47 You know you would have moved a little bit differently had you been friends. But again, like, I don't know. Like, I don't know how this relationship's going. Sound like pretty well so far. Like how long you've been dating them? You see a lot of potential here? Yeah, we've been dating since like beginning of December. So, yeah, it's been a few months now.

Starting point is 01:00:05 It is long distance. But if it ends, if you get a call from some random girl being like he's cheating on you with me and you have a very devastating breakup. Yeah. That wouldn't change how you feel about this friend, correct? No, it wouldn't. I mean, the only thing I will say she did try to say, too, when she reached out about seeing the picture is that she was basically just saying, like, you know, I would just be careful if I were you. Like he,

Starting point is 01:00:36 he love bombed me and like. So it sounds like he also, he sounds like he ended that fling. He, but I, I know, like he just never saw, he knew he was never going to date her.

Starting point is 01:00:48 And he even said that he was relocating for a job. Whatever. I'm just saying, it sounds like if she had it her way, she would have kept hanging out with him and he stopped calling. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:00 So, I mean, yeah, there's so many, and love bombing. I mean, like, yeah, people misuse that word so much. Yeah, I don't know, maybe he got excited for a brief period of time. But to your point, it sounds like he was like, hey, like, I'm not looking for a girlfriend anytime soon, and, but I really like you, you know, who knows?

Starting point is 01:01:20 But listen, I, it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong. She has given you every reason to accept that this friendship isn't, it doesn't have a long-term future. Yeah. And I wouldn't expect her to make some meaningful changes. And this was a friend that, like, it served its purpose, as many friendships do early in life. And why we're friends with people when we're 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, and early in life,

Starting point is 01:01:47 it's very different than why we're friends with people in adult life. Most of us, as we get older, we get more selective about who we are friends with. And in those circles are smaller, but they are more meaningful. for someone who claims that they don't want to have other people's drama in their moments, she didn't try to diffuse a situation. She made it more dramatic. And then she, you know, the next day, she's made more accusations for what? Like, because you, you were sad that you wanted to talk at dinner?

Starting point is 01:02:16 Were you hysterical? Like, were you screaming? Were you crying? No. No. I think maybe when I was talking to her, like I had teared up a bit, but it wasn't in like a way that was like, oh my God. So you were clearly sad and maybe a little upset.

Starting point is 01:02:34 Yeah, I just kept saying I just feel hurt. Like I just feel blindsided. And I was like, it just is. And a reasonable person could have been like, listen, Nicole, I'm honestly really sad. You know, can we talk about this later? I don't mean to discount your feelings, but I do want to enjoy this dinner. Your friendship means a lot to me and I do want to handle it. But I don't want to, I don't want to disrupt this whole dinner.

Starting point is 01:02:58 but you have a right to be confused. I'm sorry, we can talk about it later. And she could have just been direct with you that she still wanted to enjoy this dinner and she didn't have to be a total mean girl about it. She chose to like get in an argument with you, tell you can leave, call you out at dinner, and then just, you know, the next day,

Starting point is 01:03:17 just come at you in an aggressive way without ever just thinking, you know, of course, why wouldn't someone who like I told one thing and did another might be a little, upset and they gather upset because like she also if you didn't care she'd probably be like why are you know why do you not care you know i you know i mean exactly and and i think just yeah the way that it went in and then the fact that she said that it was like that was a misunderstanding that girl wasn't supposed to get that made of honor card there was only supposed to be a matron of honor which

Starting point is 01:03:52 is her cousin and i was like all that's i like i'm like i'm like i could care less whether i I'm a bridesmaid or a maid of honor. It was more so I just felt blindsided in the moment. Well, yeah. Then it's like, did you change your mind? Did I do something wrong? Did I, you know? Yeah, like, she kept going back to like me feeling that I was so upset that like I no longer

Starting point is 01:04:15 am being considered as made of honor, which like, I don't care. It's, it's her running and who she decides to have in it. It's like, what if I, would I have been maybe a little bit blindsite if I, I wasn't even a bridesmaid in her wedding considering like the level of friendship that we had. Yes. But like for me to honor, like I just didn't expect any title. And I,

Starting point is 01:04:38 and I think that's what was hard is because I feel like I kind of, I've, gave her grace and accepted her through kind of pretty like crazy times in her life of where she's kind of like acted really out of pocket. and I've kind of stood up for her to other friends because some people have like question like, like, what are you still doing being friends with her? So I think that in itself too. I think I definitely have my answer there. I think it just is, you know, a bummer whenever a friendship like that happens. But yeah, I wanted to just get your perspective because I listened to, you know,

Starting point is 01:05:20 your podcast and I appreciate the advice that you give. And just wanted to kind of like an outsider's opinion to see if it truly if i truly was like crossing a line with dating this guy um or whether this is just kind of a personality thing when it comes to her i i think it's definitely the latter and i think she has a little bit of a bruised ego i think it's it's all kind of convoluted for her like why she really reached out or what her intentions are but she clearly prioritizes her feelings above anyone else's. And it sounds like as we reflect back on your friendship with her and what you know about her, that is not new information. That is this something you've, this is the first time you've really been impacted by her self-centeredness. And now you know what it feels like to,

Starting point is 01:06:12 like that other people have experienced. So the fact that you are willing to even ask the question, you know, could I be doing something differently, that I do something wrong? Like I think demonstrates that you know, I'm sure you've been selfish before, but you have the ability to, like, consider other people's feelings. And, like, you, you do prioritize your friendships, uh, to the point where you make considerations. At this point, you need to accept that you're not doing anything wrong because you've gotten to the point where even your friends have been like, girl, you're like, you're cool. And you're like, yeah, but like, are you sure? Because, like, she called me a bitch. And she says, I'm a, like, my, and now you're asking me and I'm giving you the green light.

Starting point is 01:06:48 So I think you just need to be comfortable with knowing that, like, you didn't do anything wrong. and you just have to say goodbye to this friendship and, you know, stand up for yourself. She reaches out, you know, you just be like, honestly, what is your problem? Like, you know, I'm really sad that we stop being friends. But, like, that was crazy, honestly. That was crazy that night. Like, I'm sorry I was a little, I'll call off guard and hurt. But, like, your response to my being a little hurt just because it happened at your dinner was mean.

Starting point is 01:07:16 It was mean, you know? And your follow-up was mean. And like you just, you made it all about you, you know? I mean, are you so important that like no one's allowed to have hurt feelings just because you got engaged? Like, what is that? Give yourself permission and move forward and say goodbye to this friendship and not let her and her kind of bully behavior get into your head and make you question your character

Starting point is 01:07:43 and your integrity. You know, you know deep down whether you did something right or wrong. And it doesn't sound like you did. Well, I appreciate it. Thank you so much. thanks for the call. Congratulations on this new and exciting relationship. Hopefully it works out and let her go live her life. Well, thank you so much. All right. Nice meeting you. You as well. Take care. All right, bye-bye. Bye.

Starting point is 01:08:05 How's it going? Hi, my name's Rose. I'm 28 and my boyfriend of two years refused to do long distance because I'm moving to Miami for a job. So I'm wondering if it's the right choice to lose the one or who I think is the one. I don't know. Okay. Well, congratulations. Congratulations on the new job. Thank you. How excited are you about the job? So that's the hardest part about it, because I am really excited. And I think going into choosing, is it okay if I just jump into? Yeah. Okay. So basically, because so the basically kind of the way things happen is I'm so I just graduated from law school. You know, I, I'm going to be a prosecutor. I've been so this is like my dream job. And when I was kind of coming down to choosing, different jobs for the next coming year, I did get, I got both a job offer in our hometown and in Miami. And when I was weighing the pros and cons of both jobs, I mean, they're pretty similar jobs overall, except for the fact that the Miami office is better. It would allow me more opportunities down the line. And also, too, another thing about it at the end of the

Starting point is 01:09:22 is, you know, I've been in my hometown for a while at this point. So there is kind of a part of me that wants to go somewhere different temporarily, just for a little bit to get that experience to. And I mean, Miami, like, you know, why not the beaches? I love, you know, so that's. And so, but the only downside with it was so because I, when I was kind of choosing between the two offers, I, you know, I talked to my family, my friends, and everyone was on board with it except for my boyfriend. But the thing is, it wasn't that he wasn't on board with it

Starting point is 01:09:57 because basically when I was considering both offers, I talked to him and I was basically like, you know, hey, I'm really excited about this offer. But I mean, I want to make sure this is okay with you because, you know, we've been dating for two years. Like I see, I saw at the time, because unfortunately broke up, but I saw a future with him. And so I wanted to make sure like he was on board with it and he was he basically said to me he was like you know i don't want to move to miami but this is important for you i will support you in this we will do we can do long distance so based on that i took the offer and also too another thing that i was clear with him about too was kind of saying that it was only it's only going to be temporary for a couple years at most

Starting point is 01:10:43 and then i do plan on coming back to like our hometown where we are so So basically, so having done that, I took the job offer and then a couple months passed by. This is like, we're getting to like November at this point. And he like, and I kind of in retrospect, I kind of noticed that he was starting to kind of pull away a little bit in little ways. But I didn't really realize at the time. But anyways, then in November, we basically, he comes to me kind of out of the blue and is basically just like, hey, I don't want to do long distance when you're in Miami. And also, like, I am not even sure if I want to, like, get married or like, and then I kind of

Starting point is 01:11:30 asked him a little bit, too. I was like, well, is the long distance really what's causing you to have doubts about this relationship? And he also just said, too, he was like, you know, sometimes I feel like I'm a sidekick in our relationship. You have, you know, you're doing all these great things. And he is too. Like he has a really good job.

Starting point is 01:11:49 So that's why it was kind of frustrating for me in that conversation because, you know, I, to me, I was like this, why wasn't this a conversation? Why are you immediately jumping to breaking up now? So, so basically, so I kind of, after that conversation, I kind of, in that conversation, I kind of took it as, well, this is us breaking up right now. So I told, I basically kind of gave him. a little bit of an ultimatum. I basically said to him, I was like, you know, okay, well, if we're breaking up now, we're done. We like, you know, we cannot be friends. We, we, we're, we have to be

Starting point is 01:12:29 completely done. And he was basically, he kind of backtracked. He was like, what do you mean? We can't be friends. What do you mean? We can't still see each other. I don't, he didn't really fully think through what it meant to actually be broken up. So I kind of told him, I was like, we're either fully together or we're done. And he chose, he was like, no, I want to stay together. So can I just pause for a second? Yeah. When he came to you and was like, hey, just kidding, not sure if I can do long distance.

Starting point is 01:13:00 And oh, by the way, here are some other things that have been bothering me. How quickly did you jump to, so I guess we're breaking up? So I kind of maybe a little quick. Well, my response, I kind of did go on the defensive a little bit because I basically kind of said to him, I was like, well, I want to be with someone who's 100% committed to me, who knows that they want to marry me, who is willing to make the sacrifice to do long distance because, you know, my future husband who I want to get married to, like things come up. up in marriage and you have to be able to kind of compromise, you know, at certain point. So like that was that was kind of how I, what I told him. And he and I did say to him too, I was like, you know, like you can think about it, but like that, that's kind of where I'm at with it. And he was kind of like, well, okay. But I don't want to break up. I don't think, I don't think the communication wasn't like a hundred percent like wasn't amazing I would say looking back

Starting point is 01:14:13 on both sides yeah on both sides exactly because I think for me I kind of went on the defensive and was like if we're breaking up then we're breaking up so it wasn't it wasn't fully at that point in November even though we were kind of going to break up we ended up like you know staying together but kind of in limbo because I think in my mind I was kind of delusional kind of thinking like I just I hope he changes his mind about long distance I hope he like you know maybe maybe us and it was like right before the holidays too it's not delusional okay thanks for saying that because I you know first of all all you're talking about is some hope and and and this is hope you had with a boyfriend of two years is not some guy

Starting point is 01:14:59 you met a week ago he surprised you with some new information which was inconsistent with what told you in the past. Like you said, some tough conversations, neither of you were really prepared to have and neither of you really knew what to say. So the communication is you recognized wasn't great. And yeah, of course. Not only it's not delusional, it's incredibly normal for you to be like, well, I hope he comes around, you know, like obviously this is big news that I'm presenting to him and you were empathetic to recognizing that it might take him some time to process and hopeful that like what you guys built over two years was enough for him to like not let you go so easily. So like not in any way delusional.

Starting point is 01:15:40 No, thank you for saying that and validating that because I think like the hardest thing for me is just feeling, I felt, I also felt a lot of guilt at that point too because I was like, well, you know, I am still, I'm ultimately the one choosing to leave to take this job in Miami. What is, what does he do? He's in banking. Okay. So it's not like he, and does he like it? sometimes like like he does and he doesn't so that's also another reason why like there are a lot of

Starting point is 01:16:09 banks in Miami that's well yeah that's a good point and so to your point if he really wanted to he could follow you yeah and so because and then so because basically just to kind of to give you a little bit more context too because I think um so basically like after that was so we didn't break up at that point. I'm living in hope. I'm really hopeful. This is like November and December. We do all the Christmasy things. We're, you know, we're visiting his family. We're seeing my family. You're almost pretending the conversation didn't happen. And you're kind of just like business as usual during the holidays. Yes. But in the back of my mind, I still feel this like, oh. So basically what when we ended up, how we ended up breaking up was, so he went out to dinner with some of his like buddies

Starting point is 01:17:05 a couple days before Christmas. And one of his good friends just got engaged. And they started dating around the same time that we started dating. So that was kind of like, I mean, everyone has no own timeline, but I, but I just think because of the situation that was going on with him and I, it kind of was a little bit of assault in the wound. So when I, like, we were talking on the phone about that dinner, like the next day, because I was talking to him, I was like, oh, okay, like how was dinner, whatever? And I think, to be fair, I did, you know, don't touch the pot if you don't want to get burned, right? Like, I basically, I asked him. I, because I knew I was like, they're, they're definitely going to ask about him and I after, you know, because of course, so,

Starting point is 01:17:50 because basically, like I asked him, I was like, oh, okay, so, you know, that's so great that they got engaged. Did anyone kind of say to you, like, hey, what's the, up next for you and Rose. Like what's, you know, what's going on there? And at first, he kind of, like, you know, didn't really give me an answer, but I kind of pressed him on it. And he said, he was like, yes, they did ask me. And I told them it's not going to, it's probably not going to work out because she's moving to Miami. In that moment, my, first of all, my heart was like broken. And secondly, it was kind of like, I think we both realized, like on that phone call, like, oh, this is the standstill here. Like, you can't really.

Starting point is 01:18:28 go back from that, you know, but so we kind of, and this all happened on the phone. So I think we ended up phone call kind of being like, okay, well, you know, I guess we're, we're breaking up, but like, we can like, I don't know, we'll talk, we'll have a talk later today. Um, I get home from work later that day. And he texted me and was like, I already dropped all your stuff off. I dropped all your keys off. So I was at this point, I'm just like, everything is just happening so quickly. Did he ever ask you not to move? So later that night, when we did, we did finally have like a final in-person talk. And he said to me, he was like, I don't think it would be fair of me to ask you not to move, which like is, I thought that was nice of him to say.

Starting point is 01:19:16 But also like the thing is for me, I think that the biggest, the hardest thing to me. But he still never ever asked you. He never asked me like not to move. He was just like, oh. I'm curious. Like I appreciate the fairness. and I appreciate you seeing the good in that statement. But your career aside and all those things,

Starting point is 01:19:36 I imagine there's a part of you that wanted him to ask you not to move, to at least, whether he is right or selfish or not recognizing your career, but like I imagine you still wanted to hear that. Like, don't go. Oh, 100%. Yeah. Yeah. Because I think, I think like for me, the hardest, like the, the, the guilt that I'm feeling now, the hardest thing for me is that if, if when we had originally talked about it, right, me going to me considering the offer, if he had said like, hey, I'm having concerns about you taking this offer, I don't know if this is the right move for us, you know, at least I would have had all the information I needed to make the decision. decision, right? And then I could have thought about it and been like, wait, like, you know, maybe I don't want to take this offer. Maybe this isn't the right offer, like, just for all parts of our life together, you know, because I think because he waited and was like, hey, actually, you know, I know you

Starting point is 01:20:44 already took the offer, but, you know, I don't want to do long distance anymore. And also, too, the fact that he doesn't even want to try long distance. That's the, that's the thing that really messes with me too. It's like, it's not like we tried long distance and it's not working. He doesn't even want to try. And then another, another layer is, I'm not even moving until August. So there's all this time now until August. And we, we broke up like now. That's what I'm kind of wrestling with too. After, after he dropped his stuff off, have you been, have you communicated at all? Yeah. So basically, so the last time, so I saw him like after he dropped his stuff off and we had one final talk. We were both crying. He was saying like I'm so sorry. Like, you know, like I. And then one thing that he said to me too that really messed with me was he said he said he was like, I feel like if we had a longer conversation about you going to Miami, we could have avoided all of this. Which like, why didn't we have that conversation then? It feels like neither of you have really put it all on the table.

Starting point is 01:21:55 And at least you, I can't speak for him. It sounds, I mean, dropping your stuff off is hardcore. But have you just said exactly how you feel, whatever that is? You know, I don't want to lose you. Let's have this conversation. Have you fought to keep this relationship? Do you feel like you fought for this relationship without trying to consider his feelings, in fairness and am I being selfish or am I asking too much for him?

Starting point is 01:22:25 Like whatever the right answer is, do you feel like you have put all the cards in the table and made it very clear that I don't know how we're going to figure this out? But what I do know is I don't want to lose you. Have you made that clear? Yes, I text it. So shortly after, because originally after we broke up, I was like, I'm going to go into no contact. I'm going to be really good.

Starting point is 01:22:45 but, you know, I think because of the guilt I was feeling and just overall, like, I was like, no, no contact is not the right choice at this point in time. So I did. I texted him. I was like, I don't want to lose you. I think we're throwing our relationship away. There's so much that could even change before I go to Miami. I asked him, I was like, would you ever consider doing couples therapy with me so that we could talk about, like, you know, why you're having these reservations about me going to Miami. I also said to him too, I was like, we could do a checkpoint thing where if I get down there and like, okay, a couple months, six months in, it's not working, you know, it wouldn't

Starting point is 01:23:23 be the best thing for my career, but I would be open to considering coming back because that's how much I value this relationship, our future together. And he didn't want any of it. He was like, he was like, no. And he even said, too, he was like, I wouldn't want to do long distance for anyone. It's just not what I want to do. Like I don't want to do long distance, which was also really hard to hear. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:23:48 I think you have your answer. You know, the answer you want. But there is something more that he is not telling you. And maybe he doesn't have the answer. Long distance isn't ideal. No one roots. No one's like, I want to have a long distance relation. I mean, maybe some people find the joys in missing people and things like that.

Starting point is 01:24:07 But I think he's using you as an excuse. you said some did you try to peel back any more of that comment he made about i feel like i'm your sidekick a little bit i kind of like from what he told me about he said basically he was like you know you have all these things going on we're always busy on the weekends doing stuff like going to to you know your your events your friend stuff like and i just feel like i can't keep up with that so that's kind of the extent that that I peeled that part back. And he just basically said,

Starting point is 01:24:43 yeah. I mean, I'm like a big, a big runner. So we would do like five kids with my mom on the weekend. But it's like all those things too. Like everything he said,

Starting point is 01:24:52 like if he had said to me, hey, I don't want to do the 5K this weekend. I don't want to go to your friend's wedding or whatever. Like I would have been okay with that. Like it just, it just there was no conversation. It was just like,

Starting point is 01:25:04 hey, no, I don't want to do this anymore. Yeah. I think that the, the honest my guess is the he used you this opportunity that you had is is is an excuse to end the relationship for ultimately a relationship that wasn't working for him I don't know why or the reasons but his lack of willingness to fight for it because I you know listen what you're

Starting point is 01:25:34 presenting not ideal for sure but as you've said like first of of all, even if he decided not to move, it's just a plane right away. It sounds like you guys both have some means. You have some extra cash or you can afford some, you know, travel expenses that aren't ideal. But like, again, there's Miami. It's a fun city. Like, there's a lot of ways to make this work that he is refusing to consider. I think you should let go, the comment he made about, well, if we had a longer conversation about you moving, maybe we could have worked this out. Forget he ever said that. He didn't mean it. Okay.

Starting point is 01:26:10 You know, I think that was something he said to put the blame on you. When deep down he knew that he didn't want to keep this relationship going, but either didn't know or didn't have the guts to tell you. Yeah. No, that's really helpful to hear, even though it's not what I want to hear, you know, but um but but i think one other thing can i just add him one other thing that kind of in the aftermath so basically so since then because i i completely agree with what you're saying even though it's not what i want to hear but since then now you know i'm still here in my hometown

Starting point is 01:26:53 until august and so since since we did break up he so basically we do for better for worse we still go to the same gym so in the ensuing months i did see him like a month ago at the gym. And at that point, I was actually starting to feel better, really, like, you know, kind of detaching from the situation, just in a good. So basically, I saw him at the gym and we had a brief encounter where I was just like, oh, hi, like, you know, and he said, hi, whatever. After that, the next day, he texted me and was like, oh, like, I saw your car at the gym

Starting point is 01:27:27 today. Like, too bad I didn't see you there, something like that. And then he actually asked me to get coffee. and we did end up getting coffee, you know, everything felt like just normal except we're not together. And it was kind of like hard for me because, you know, he was like, oh, my mom asks about you all the time. He brought like a gift, a Christmas gift that is his like cousin or sister had gotten for me.

Starting point is 01:27:56 So I guess my last kind of question on is how do I like what, what advice do you have for me going forward because I think I know deep down in the best case scenario I would love for him to come back and be like wait I made a huge mistake like I don't want to lose this relationship of two years so I either want that to happen or I want to just fully move on so what what do you think that was bad that we had coffee like what you know I think it's part of the process was it bad no was it helpful in you moving forward no and so I think I said you know Give yourself home grace. Yeah, I mean, you're still healing from this.

Starting point is 01:28:36 And you still have reasons to have a little bit of hope. You know, it's normal because I think I'm right about there's something he's not sharing with you or maybe he doesn't have the answer. You guys, he obviously enjoys you. You had a nice couple of your relationship. There's a good chance he doesn't have the clarity about why he feels the way he does. He's not asking you not to move. And the fact that you could find work in your hometown, which it's not like he's asking you not to, you know, he's just asking you not to go to Miami.

Starting point is 01:29:13 He's not doing that. He's just, there's just so many ways he could be fighting for this relationship and that he's not doing. That gives you the answer, which is to probably move on. It's normal to get a cup of coffee. But going forward, I would be resistant to like doing that again, unless. he has something new to say. If he were to reach out to you and say, can we get together? Can we talk? I would say about what? And if he's just like, well, I don't know, I just want to talk, be like, well, I mean, I would love to talk, but I want it to be productive. And if it's not about us figuring this out,

Starting point is 01:29:51 then I don't see the point. Because right now, you know, you're still in town. If nothing else, from his point of view, the relationship was good. And obviously there's a reason why he's in it. And again, if I'm right about him using this opportunity you have as an excuse to end the relationship, he's still like, as I always say, when people decide to move on, right? So forgive me if I don't want to assert your feelings, but if he wants out of this relationship, there is a part of him that thinks there's something better out there for him. Doesn't mean he wants to find someone better than you. but he you know we you know there's the only reason why we leave right you know it's just like

Starting point is 01:30:35 i just i want there i think there's something else better there for me right and it's it's fairly easy to have that feeling it's really hard to follow through with it and execute it right because that's something better almost never shows up right away and even if that something better comes from maybe he met a girl at a gym or something and had a good date or something you know, there's highs and lows in meeting new people. And, and he could think he could have a really, he could have a two-week fling with some girl and it could be really fun. And maybe she validates him in ways that he didn't feel validated by you because, you know, she doesn't make me run 5K or, or whatever it is. And then that dies and then he misses you. You know, he gets bored, you know,

Starting point is 01:31:21 and he's reminded of like having good times and like the coffee or seeing you at the gym is like, it would just be nice to see her. But he's still not doing anything about it. He's still not, you know, he's still not fighting for the relationship. So the him reaching out right now, if he doesn't have anything specific to talk about, is him selfishly treating his feelings, if that makes sense. You know, it's like I need, I have this immediate feeling. Maybe I'm feeling insecure, maybe I'm feeling a little lonely. I'm missing her companionship. And I, and I need that right now. So I want to reach out.

Starting point is 01:32:00 And she'll make me feel good in this moment. And that's why we reach out to X's, and that's why we check in, because he is not necessarily second-guessing his decision, but it's coming from a place of the fear of the unknown, you know, but it's not enough to fight for the relationship. It's not enough to ask you to stay,

Starting point is 01:32:20 reconsider the long distance. You're all, right now, you're in the state of like, let's just figure out the fuck out. I want to be with you. you. And yeah, I want these other things, but like we can have it all. It might not, you know, maybe not in the short term, but in the long term we can. And in the short term, the things that we have to, the inconveniences we have to face, there could be exciting opportunities that come from it,

Starting point is 01:32:43 you know? Who knows what it is? But you're open to all that, which is the right approach. And he's not. I think the best thing you can do is just accept that as hard as it is. and know that you've done everything you could to make sure that you weren't leaving something special. You know, you started this call saying, basically saying, is it worth pursuing this dream job while giving up the love of my life? And that isn't inaccurate statement right now because it's not the love of your life. It's not the best relationship you ever, you know, maybe it's the best relationship you ever had. but it's there's some issues with how he's showing up in this relationship and there's some issues

Starting point is 01:33:27 with how he is his willingness to support you in your dreams you know in every relationship and certainly every marriage there are seasons of it's my time to show up for you because you've shown up for me and sometimes we can show up at the same time together and we can both have what we want and and there'll be other times where i'm you know this relationship requires a little bit more sacrifice for me, from me, so that my person can fulfill their dreams, but I find fulfillment and seeing my person accomplish what they want and things like that. And he is not being fulfilled by you following your dreams, you know, like right now, like I started this, you know, show before I met Natalie. And then I just kind of brought her in. She just kind of fell into it, right? And I really think

Starting point is 01:34:18 Natalie is a star. You know, I think my time on TV are doing the show. I'm a grinder. I, you know, I can perform. It doesn't come naturally to me. My success, I think, is mostly based off of, I don't need outside validation for me to show up every day and do what I think is right. And I think that allows me to continue to have success. I think my wife is a star. I think she's a natural. I think if she wanted to pursue acting, even now, but certainly early in her life, I think she could have been a really talented actor. And now that we are hosting this Netflix show together, all I care, I like, I just, I want her to have all the attention. I really could give a fuck about whatever recognition I get. I just think she is, I find so much joy.

Starting point is 01:35:11 and her, you know, having these opportunities and discovering these opportunities. And I'm really curious if she wants to continue to pursue these opportunities, what she can make of herself. And I get so much personal satisfaction and joy from that, you know. Now, partly because I've done, I'm also, like, very secure with what I've done. You know, that's why I asked him, is he happy with his job? You know, so it is easy for me to really root for her because I'm, I'm not feeling like I haven't accomplished things or that I haven't, you know, arrived. I know that sounds weird. But you get what I'm saying, right? And he is not, he doesn't have that joy from your success. And I think that's a

Starting point is 01:36:05 big thing, especially someone like you who has her own personal aspirations and career goals. I think it's really important you find someone who can find joy in your success, especially because you are someone who clearly isn't like this self-centered, you know, you're not saying, hey, listen, I am, I am a career woman, my job is my number one priority. You will always be second fiddle to that, you know, because there are people who are like that. just like, you know, and I understand, especially in, in today's age where women still feel like they have to, like, you know, choose between a career or being a family person. And, and, and there's this expectation for a lot of, I think, women who, you know, really, you know, had these dreams, went to college,

Starting point is 01:36:54 invested in their careers, invested in their education, their secondary education, went to school, got a job. Am I going to be asked to give that all up someday? You know, and there are a lot of women who are very protective of that. And so when they meet people, they want to set that expectation and boundary that's just like, just so you know, you know, and you're not even, you're not doing that, you know, and you're giving them every opportunity to feel safe to support you while not feeling like he has to completely lose himself. And the fact that he is still feeling this way is with, and even though he's receiving your support, is telling, which means that he needs something that you can't give him.

Starting point is 01:37:41 So I think for you to in any way not embrace this new opportunity with complete enthusiasm and excitement because you think that you are giving up on something special, I would think it would be the wrong mindset for you because it's not, and it's not as special as you want to believe it is or was. And you receiving this opportunity is, it happened the way it should. And it was probably a really, it was a probably meaningful moment in your relationship that really shed a lot, a light on some issues that he was having and the relationship was having that he didn't have the ability to get the clarity himself or the guts to him to really get there on his own. And again, I think he used this opportunity to scapegoat his own feelings of doubt and insecurity.

Starting point is 01:38:40 And without facing it and just having an honest conversation with you out of fear that it might hurt your feelings, he's put it all on you and essentially blamed you for the demise of the relationship. Yeah. No, thank you so much for saying that. It does really make me feel a lot better too because even as hard as it is, like you saying that, it is. I mean, I think like what you and Natalie have is so beautiful.

Starting point is 01:39:05 And I want someone who thinks I'm a star. I want to be, you know, in a relationship where I feel like safe to pursue my dreams, but also know that I'm going to support them too and have that kind of, you know, that supportive dynamic. And if that's not him, then, you know, as sad as it is because it was like my most meaningful relationship, that's okay because now I can go forward to Miami. and just be really excited about it and invest in myself and also just focus on the future.

Starting point is 01:39:38 Yeah, and you've done everything you could. You've made it clear that you didn't want this. And the good news is that whether he wants to realize it now, he will realize it someday that this was his choice. And it wasn't yours. You accepted his choice with a lot of guts. and you had the guts to put out what you wanted, but strong enough in your beliefs that you weren't going to feel bad

Starting point is 01:40:11 or allow him, allow what he did to make you second guess your choice. And yeah, I think as hard as it is, and I'm sure it's sad, that the good news is I think you have a lot more clarity about this relationship than you realize and you can again, I think, pursue this opportunity without any regret. And I would challenge you to not in those times, am I making the right choice, is, you know, will I regret this? You won't.

Starting point is 01:40:47 Because if he wants to change his mind, if he wants to fight for this relationship anytime soon, my guess is you would be open to it. So there's still a chance. You still have that hope that, you know, you know, again, it's not delusion. But you're not going to wait around and you're not going to feel sorry for yourself. And the choice is his, you know,

Starting point is 01:41:07 there's nothing, you've done everything you could. So, you know, the ball's in his court, so to speak. And if he wants to man up and face his fears and figure his shit out, he can. And probably, there's a good chance. You probably will be single for a while only because you have other pressing things going on. You're focused on your career.

Starting point is 01:41:28 if some guy shows up in your world that surprises you, yeah, and maybe you'll be open to it, but I'm guessing you're not giving me the energy that you're going to like jump on the, you know, you have shit going on. You're a busy person. And so honestly, he's probably, he's luckier in this situation than other people would because you have so much going on that you're, you would be available to consider him coming back, you know, longer than, you know, he might have a, he might have a longer window than he otherwise would. So again, I'm only saying this to make, you know, you should feel no guilt, no regret, and no second guessing the decision you made. Oh, thank you so much, Nick. No, that's so, that's really helpful because I really did. I just,

Starting point is 01:42:14 I did everything I could. And now it's on him. If he wants to figure it out, like that's great. But if not, I'm going to Miami. I'm going to embrace this opportunity and just not look back. sad. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry this didn't work out, but congratulations on, on, on this opportunity. Miami, I'm sure will be fun. You know, and this is a blessing too, because, you know, if you were to choose to make a long-distance relationship work, that would steal some of your energy away from this opportunity. It would be a distraction, you know, you would, it would be, it would make you, you know, this is freeing you up to really crush it at this job in a meaningful way. maybe this needed to happen for you to really do that. Because you, you know, relationships take a lot of work.

Starting point is 01:43:02 They're hard. They require a lot of emotional energy and a lot of sacrifice. And again, you were willing to do that. But he freed you up to really kick ass. No, absolutely. Because now, like, I don't have to, because I would have been willing to be the one, you know, traveling every month, every couple weeks. And if he wasn't going to do that. Oh, 100%. If he, you know, there are a lot of people do that. It's like, well, you have to, you have to make it work. I don't have to make it work. I'm not moving. And that would have been so draining and so hard on you. And honestly, that would have been worst case for him to like kind of try long distance. And you would have been, it would have really sucked a lot of emotional energy out of, out of you. And it would have really been made the transition a lot more difficult.

Starting point is 01:43:46 No, you're so right. Because I think like, you know, at first I was like, oh, why is this happening now? Why couldn't we have just at least tried it? But I think like you said, it is kind of a blessing that it's happening now that I can, when I do go to Miami, I can go in fully focused on my job, excited about the opportunity. Yeah. Is there any consideration of just moving to Miami sooner than later and just settling your roots down there and getting familiar with the city before you even start the job? I would love to do that.

Starting point is 01:44:14 The only thing is like, so I am in, so because like I, I tech, so I'm doing a one year job now with working, which I, which I'm really liking. I'm getting great experience. but that job ends in like beginning of August and then I go to Miami. So that's the part. Like I'm, I can't, you know? And that's, I think, what was part of adding to my, like, stress of being like,

Starting point is 01:44:36 oh my God, I'm in limbo right now because if I could move to Miami, I'd love to go tomorrow and then get started already. But I can have that fresh start even now still, too, of just like having the mentality. Yeah. All right. Well, hopefully this was helpful. Yes. And yeah.

Starting point is 01:44:54 I'm sorry about the break. but I really think this is this is really a blessing I think for you yeah and then and again the door's not totally closed I don't I wouldn't hang on to a lot of hope and I would I would move forward it really the ball is in his court and and and and I will say this one final thing if if he does again I really want to stress if he comes back he has to come correct then he has to be willing to show up and it's not just you being grateful that he's willing to try but how is he going to try you know i'm i'm not gonna yeah i long distance doesn't work if if if if i have to do all the work you know he has to be excited for you he has to you know it has to include him being like i'm really

Starting point is 01:45:40 proud of you and how is it going and checking in and making you feel good about your move in your job you know it can't be a mo you know it can't be guilt trips and i'm so sad i just constantly miss you you're never you know always you know it can't be that he has to really embrace this and be happy for you and think about, you know, the way to do, you know, it's just like, I can be happy for Natalie because I know that I benefit from her happiness and success. It's not completely selfless on my part, but we share, we're a team. And as a teammate, you know, you root for each other's successes because ultimately you both win. And right now he's not there with you. And you are. Yeah, he's on his own team.

Starting point is 01:46:22 So if he ever wants to be on the team together, he's going to, like you said, he'll have to be the one to put that effort in because I already, I did. And now it's like, I'm moving forward. Okay. All right. Well, good luck. Keep us posted. And once you get out there and I'd love to catch up with you in a few months and see how you're doing. Yes, absolutely.

Starting point is 01:46:42 I'll definitely let you know how Miami's going, how any, any updates. So thank you so much again, Nick. I'm a great fan of you in the household and everything. So I really appreciate you getting me. is clarity and help. All right. Well, I'm glad I was helpful. Yeah, thank you.

Starting point is 01:46:57 Take care. Bye. Bye.

The Viall Files - E1100 Ask Nick - He's Dumping Me Because I Got The Job

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