The Viall Files - E1104 Ask Nick - Pregnant And Cheated On My Husband

Episode Date: April 6, 2026

Our first caller is pregnant and navigating the fallout of having cheated on her husband—now she's trying to figure out if it's possible to rebuild his trust and save their relationship. Our second caller recently ended things with her long-term boyfriend, but now she's overwhelmed with regret and second-guessing her decision—did she make the right call, or did she walk away too soon? And our third caller is caught in a deeply personal crossroads: her husband, who is Catholic, wants her to convert, but she's facing the very real possibility of being disowned by her mother if she does. "What you can say to your husband is: 'I really failed us. I failed you, I failed myself." The Viall Files is going LIVE with the new cast of Temptation Island on May 4th! Tickets are on sale NOW! For more information, please visit netflixisajokefest.com.  Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday. Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick's Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with "Texting Office Hours" in the subject line!  To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Helix - Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall for 20% off sitewide for their Spring Savings Event. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you! Timeline - Timeline's clinically proven formula is now available at a new, lower price. Mitopure now starts at $79, when you go to https://timeline.com/viall  ASPCA - To explore coverage, visit https://aspcapetinsurance.com/viall Eligibility restrictions apply. Visit https://aspcapetinsurance.com/amazonterms for more info. Article - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more To claim, visit https://article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout Timestamps: 00:00 - Intro 00:49 - Caller One 36:04 - Caller Two 1:00:37 - Caller Three Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @the_mare_bare @izeweaver

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Good. My name is Audrey. I'm 31 years old. I am pregnant with mine and my husband's third child, and I had like an emotional affair with a gym instructor, and I'm desperately trying to regain his trust. Okay. Because he is saying that he wants to get a divorce. Okay.

Give me the timeline of all of this unfolding. So I have, like I said, this is a third child, so I have a four and a three-year-old. I got back into the gym like a little over a year ago. I started going to this like group fitness class on a regular basis. I got pretty, I guess, friendly with this guy, obviously. And it started out like definitely just as friends. but then he about maybe four months ago starting, I would say, in like October, beginning of November, I was starting at a new job and he gave me a card that said a lot of things.

Like I wish I could honestly read some of it, but he was just saying all these really nice things that I shine and that's at this next job, I'm just going to shine brighter, like whatever, all of this stuff. I guess I kind of fed into it. And it kind of just kept progressing from there. Again, it really was like an emotional thing. He was, it was just a lot of talking through, like texting, Snapchating, things like that.

And then we did meet up one time, like, in a parking lot situation. and kissed, and that's as far as it went from like a physical standpoint. My husband found out on, like, right at the beginning of December. So really, for me, it lasted as an affair for like two weeks at the most, where it became more, more involved. He looked through my phone, like, he had a bad feeling. This was the day after that I'd met up with this guy. And he found out we did start couples counseling.

He was open to the idea of repairing our marriage from that. I was really stupid. And I kept talking to this guy. And on Christmas Eve, he found out again. And now he really is super angry. When he initially found out, he completely lost his mind. He went to the gym, my husband went to the gym, like announcement style in front of this class, saying, this guy likes to cheat. This guy is also married.

No kids, but he's married. This guy likes to cheat on his wife with other women who are pregnant. And I know because he's cheating with my wife. How far long are you in your pregnancy? Five months, a little bit more now. So you were pregnant and entertaining, you know, and meeting up in a parking lot and kissing? Very newly pregnant. You know, there's a lot here, like a lot of medical things, a lot of things that happened in the last few years.

My second child needed a cardiac surgery right when she was born. A lot of things from like a mental health standpoint that haven't been great for the last. year or two. None of this is an excuse. The part of you that, you know, once your husband found out and went to the gym and made this proclamation, why wasn't that enough for you for it to be a wake-up call? I think that the way that he reacted, like, and he, I have acknowledged he's not at fault for the way he reacted.

I probably would have reacted the same. In addition to going to the gym, he sent this guy's wife, everything, was like literally sleeping on the couch with a hammer in case this guy showed up to our house, which he would never do. He went ballistic. Like he was so, so angry saying some really mean stuff, like not treating me well in front of our kids, et cetera, et cetera. And I think that when that was all happening, I just, you know, I reacted to his reaction, I guess. And I felt like I kind of needed like an outlet during that. And the only person who, you know, it's not something that you go talk about with anybody. So you don't have any, there's no one.

No one in your life. Well, like a friend or a sister or a mom who, I mean, not that they would support the bad decision. making but someone you can just be like i fucked up and this is what's going on or even a therapist i guess you know but he was the only one i mean the answer is no but like like yeah like of course i could have talked to somebody else i mean but it was like the easiest because he was in it um he knew exactly what happened he knew exactly what was going on to be honest with you i felt a little bit guilty that he like had his life like publicly shamed when like mine wasn't i mean you know it stayed private for me um yeah another piece is like i am like this is a lot of information i have been on

like an anti-anxiety drugs since my daughter had that cardiac surgery um and i was told to start weaning off of it because of pregnancy i weaned on off of it inappropriately, like accidentally, did not follow, and I was actively withdrawing. So that's just kind of another piece. Like, while, while this was all going on? Literally during, yeah, right. So all through December. December was when this all, like, blew up. So I'm curious to just ask you, like, no judgment. You know you fucked up. What do you think about this situation and like, what do you want to happen? And what's your reasoning for wanting to save this marriage.

And I guess, you know what I'm saying? Like, where are you now with all this? Yeah. So I, again, I mean, you know, kids change things a lot. We met when we were 18 years old. And like, you know, it's obviously very easy to like cultivate a relationship without, you know, any external anything. And everything was great. Let's see, we dated for like six years, including living together.

before getting married. And then we did have our first kid within a year of getting married. And everything obviously changed. And, you know, like we used to, him and I used to do, like, phone free Saturdays where we would literally turn our phones off all day long and, like, you know, be present with each other. And, you know, we used to be romantic with each other, you know, like that stuff has been gone for a long time. And like a big example for me. And it's so stupid. So I'm 31 when I was when we both turned 30 his birthdays before mine. I like wrote 30 reasons why I love you like on a big poster

board and stuff. And like I I guess in a way trying to show him what I needed and wanted, you know, like providing that to him in hopes that I would get it back. I don't even know that I knew that was why I was doing it, but like now looking back, I do. Okay. And then for my 30th birthday, he gave me a year membership to a car wash. No card. No card. No words.

Nothing. Like, I did that. I sent him off on, like, a soccer game trip with his friends. Like, I made a big deal out of it. Do you complain about a dirty car a lot? I'm just like, what? No. That was a getting polio out of left field.

Yes. I guess I think the car was new at the time. So, like, fine. You know, like so insignificant and, you know, just like none of the same as what I was like trying to give him. Like I haven't heard words from him in a long time, you know? And so I think this guy, like, I don't, these phrases, but it kind of felt like love bombing, like the things that he was saying to me. Like he was just saying all the right things, how special I was, yada, yada, yada.

I mean, love bomb is not supposed to work when you're in a committed relationship. So there is that, I mean. Listen, I think you have to just own it. Yeah. And really try to understand why you made this decision. And certainly in that answer, there are no doubt going to be conversations

you're going to have with yourself and with your husband about ways in which you guys lost your connection. I would be very careful about, like, he has his own problems, as you mentioned. He's got his own marriage to deal with. He is not a part of your relationship with your husband. He chose to make these decisions,

and, like, you chose to respond to them. But, yeah, I would be careful about painting yourself as a victim in any way as a result of his behaviors. I don't know why he chose to do what he did, and I'm sure he maybe has versions of, your story, which is like, again, maybe him and his wife lost their connection to a certain degree. I don't know, right? Maybe this all started somewhat innocently. You know, maybe you guys scratched an itch for each other. I don't know. Maybe you, maybe it's deeper than that where you have,

you know, I don't know the reasons. But I would, if I were you, I would just be like really, regardless of what you want with your husband, you can recognize that like, man, you know, and again, I'm not trying to apply any judgment or shame, but like you just have to recognize it's a wild thing to do to be pregnant and to be like hiding out in a parking garage with another guy and kissing him. Listen, other people have done crazier things. But it's just like it's just like good to be like, wow, I can't believe I did that. That was not my best work type of thing. And just just try to understand how you got to that place. And certainly, you know, with the medications that you're on and trying to get off, that can play a role. but like there obviously are other factors at play, right, in terms of how you chose to handle this stuff. And why didn't you have the guardrails, I guess is the way I'm trying to explain it

in terms of, you know, that, I don't know, that inner monologue, the conscious, you're conscious, you know, like, at any point where you was like, shouldn't be doing this. And then after he found out, and you obviously saw the hurt it caused your husband and his reaction, sounds like it wasn't great.

Probably said a lot of inappropriate and disgusting things to you, no doubt, while probably coming from a place to hurt, you know, hurt people, hurt people, and that was his reaction. That wasn't enough for you to wake up. And I would, if I'm you, I would try to,

I want to understand that, right? Because obviously these are choices you're making that aren't in your best interest and they're not bringing you happiness I mean, there's some short-term, I guess, gratification that it's happening. But you're as an adult person, a mom, that's not how you want to be making decisions. Yeah, I mean, it's certainly a lack of empathy. You know, there's also this, like, it didn't, whatever your, however your husband's reaction,

it didn't affect you enough to, like, not keep talking to this guy and knowing how much that would hurt. And these are, I guess, again, not to apply any shame, but, like, it's just, why you, it's understanding why you made these decisions is really important, I think, for you, regardless of what happens with you and your husband. But I will say, like, you demonstrating that you really want to understand that, you got, you just have to own the part that you did wrong. And, and there needs to be like a path forward for both of you or for you. Yeah. It's like a weird, it's a weird balance of trying to express to him how much I regret doing what I did. I really wish I could have recognized at the time that the reason that I was looking for that,

like that I was doing this, that I was feeding into this, I guess, instead of talking to my husband, telling him this guy is doing this and I'm feeling like a type of way and recognizing why. It's just a weird, it's a weird balance of like owning it and expressing how regretful I am versus, you know, talking about why and like what I felt like was missing. Yeah, but listen, I think you just got to be careful about what you're, like, you talked about the birthday gift for your husband. And yeah, I mean, like, you got upset. You weren't even thinking about like why you might be doing this and you're, you know,

reflecting back and realize that maybe that was, you know, you trying to communicate to him. But you guys just have to like be able to let, hey, I need a little bit more from you. I'm feeling this. I'm feeling a little disconnected. I'm feeling a little distant from you. You know, because like you're ultimately talking about love languages, right? It doesn't sound like a much of a gift guy. Not certainly not good at giving them type of thing. And like, you know, for all you know, he is trying to show his love in ways that you're not receiving. Maybe he's an acts of service guy, you know, you know. And just like, I think that, It's, again, typical for couples, right, where it's partly we start just taking for granted

the things our couple does on the regular basis. If he is an active service guy, I think a lot of act of service people who that's how they show love, sometimes feel like what was once an act of service is now just their job. It's like it used to be like when you first started dating, he gets me in water anytime I'm thirsty. It's like so romantic. And now it's like, I'm thirsty. And we all like, you know, you're hitting the nail on the head.

Yeah. So you're thinking words of affirmation, gifts, so those are my love languages. That's what I really want. We receive love how we often show love, right? So like, you know, and as couples, you need to like, it's, you need to check back in. You need to like, hey, I'm feeling this. Am I missing the mark with you? If you're feeling disconnected, if I'm feeling disconnected from us, I'm guessing you do too.

It feels like maybe we're just going through the motion. how can we reconnect and check back in? This is ideal even when you're not being courted by your trainer in making you, you know, because those are the moments where it's like, wow, someone hit on me. It felt really good to hear something like that. I haven't been in a while. And like, that's just, you didn't do anything wrong there. That's a human response.

I don't know if you walk home and like boast about it to your husband, but it can certainly like it's a human response to recognize that and feel that and be like I want to feel that in my relationship again. And so I need to sit down with my husband and just try to get on the same page without assigning blame and without, you know, making amasculating him, you know, but just it's a trigger. It's a signal that like someone else made me feel a certain way that I want to feel for my husband. And we have kids. We've gone for the motion, you know, like we've been dating for a long time. All the reasons why we might. might be experiencing some disconnect, there's some truth in our relationship. And so instead of doing

the toxic cliche thing, which is to like give in to other people giving us attention and then, you know, when shit hits the fan kind of, you know, it's like you're doing the thing where you're like, I'm really sorry, I'm wrong. But listen, he got, you know, he gave me car wash tickets. And clearly, I'm without like talking to both of you, I'm sure you have both over the years. failed to keep that connection going and you've both missed the mark and there's no point in keeping score unless it's so way off where you you know where you are checking in and you really are trying and you really are asking and you're just hitting a wall and he's just not in any way trying to he just doesn't give a shit and that doesn't sound like your husband it just like it's you guys are

just a little out of tune. And instead of taking, you know, the guitar and get it all tuned up and, you know, you just had someone fiddle with those strings, to speak. Yeah. I mean, like we, like the other, it's all weird timing. We are, it was our five year anniversary in October and we like went on a trip. And for probably six to eight months leading up to that, I don't think we spent any time by ourselves like without our kids i mean um together you know and like i don't know how all the time

all that time went by without acknowledging the lack of closeness um yeah i mean it's like you look back and it's like i have no idea how we got here you know life moves fast i mean i don't think you're alone in that right where you fell short i guess is the best way to say it is like instead of using the attention that you got from your trainer is like a wake-up call for your marriage you used it as a wake-up call for what you as an individual was not receiving and is just trying to understand and owning that from his standpoint like where is he now like where what what is what's going on with you two he's been sleeping on the couch for the last three months we're still like doing things together as a family which is kind of weird

going through the motions, yeah. I did convince him to go back to marriage counseling, so we are. So I literally have that with him today for like the second time. He filed for divorce. No, he did. Yeah. But I'm very much trying to look at it as, you know, nothing's permanent until it's permanent. I mean.

How long ago did he file a divorce for divorce? Like, I literally got that west. a week ago. What conversations have you had with him about this outside of couples therapy? A lot. I mean. Like, well, how does that go? Like, it depends on the day.

I mean, he's still very much angry. He's still, if I try to initiate any physical and not meaning like holding his hand or asking for a hug, he will literally say, I'm just picture. your hands on him, you know, that he, that it's burned in his mind. He, like, analyzed these messages. Like, he, he saw every single message. I mean, how bad it was it? I probably, I guess as bad as it could get. I don't know. I mean, a lot of, like, stupid, like, I feel like, I feel, I felt like I was in high school, you know, like, stupid, like, fantasizing with him and, like,

and it did go into, like, to talking about, like, the potential of, like, being with him. Like, it was really stupid. Yeah, I mean, you know, I think, you know, when people, like, talk about infidelity and cheating, so much is, like, the physical. And obviously, if those, if those boundaries are crossed, that's hard.

I think for a lot of people and a lot of, And specifically men. You know, you know how men you always hear in dating are more easily can detach from sex. There's less of an emotional connection. And I think when guys are single, certainly, or for the bad husbands out there who aren't super faithful,

I think they can relate to the idea that it's just sex, you know, because for a lot of guys, sex is sex. And I'm not saying your husband wouldn't have cared, but like him reading these messages, which go beyond, for a lot of guys, it's more hurtful than,

you know, I made one stupid thing and it was just, again, I'm not saying he would have been better off with that, but to read these comments fantasizing about, yeah, leaving him and just like,

and to feel while reading it, like you had an emotional connection with him that you didn't have with, your own husband is it's i can see why this has been challenging for him yeah that's what like and i actually like i really do agree with that i've thought so many times like it probably would have been easier to get over something like this if it was just just like a physical affair like it i actually i totally see it that the the emotional side of it is worse like i'm you know like the words are as he says burned in his head

And I'm like, yeah, how would he ever? Like, you're never going to forget. Not right away, no. But he might never forget, but he would think about it less and less and less. And let's say right now he chose not to get a divorce and just was like, I don't know what to do, but I'm just going to keep being a dad. And I don't hate her, you know, like I'm hurt by her. And I don't know if I can love her and feel safe with her the same way I did before.

But like right now, I'm just kind of going through the moment. kind of like what you're doing now outside of him filing for divorce. And life happened and maybe something a good moment, you know, like, I don't know, like, people recover from this type of stuff. It does happen. He's just really hurt right now. And you did the unimaginable, but there's a world where you could have a second phase of your relationship. You can repair this stuff if you're both willing.

He justified he might not want to. but yeah he could think about it less and less does it ever go away probably not but eventually he you could start making new memories together and then it would get to the point of of having something in your life a moment you have with your family and realize this probably doesn't happen if we didn't go through the shit and sometimes you have to go through the shit and you got to fight through it am i making any sense yeah yeah it's just yeah Like one of the messages that he was really bothered by was, and this was the guy saying it, like, in some weird way, like, I'm almost hopeful that this, like, helps our marriages. I hate even saying this out loud, you know, to be eye opening to like what we both needed and weren't getting.

And that's something that he is, he was very mad about reading. day like thinking that doing by doing that that would help you know um which i get but i also kind of do like in a way feel that way like it's like i don't know if i ever would have like come to the realization about how lost our connection was sure you would have i mean that see stuff like i think that stuff like that you have to you have to do a better job of owning right like like it would have happened later longer i don't know to act like you didn't need this to happen to realized you felt a little distance from your husband. You felt distance from your husband when you gave them that birthday card and then you received your birthday gift. You just like didn't, you weren't

honest with yourself about what you were feeling. And again, you felt a little disconnected and then you chose to do what you did, right? So like you just, it's not that you didn't realize, you obviously realize, which is why you got yourself into this pickle. It's just, you were just, you were, you two were obviously justifying your poor decision making at the time. Most people don't wake up. You know, most people aren't like, I haven't cheated, but I'm definitely going to someday. You know, like, no one really says that, right? Well, and I wasn't thinking that. Sure, I get that, right? But when you, you know, so you got yourself in the situation and then you're in the situation, a situation that you hadn't been in

before. And chances are, before you had been in the situation, if you'd come across someone who was making the same decisions you were making, you would be more critical and more judgmental and how could you do that type of thing, as most people would, right? Because we don't think of ourselves as those types of people. And then when we find ourselves to be those in those situations, yeah, like, again, we make excuses, we justify it. I don't know what conversation, there's no magic pill of what you can say to your husband, but I think it really comes down to, I really failed us. I failed you, I failed myself. And instead of coming to you and trying to work on our connection, I focus on my own needs and I didn't show up for you. And I, that's, I really, I, at this point,

the biggest regret of my life. And I hope you're willing to give our marriage and me a second chance. And I understand that like, it will take some time to earn your trust back. And you're right. I can't take back what I said. Only that, like, it was coming from a place of, of sadness and not having, you know, and I, you know, I really regret it, but that's, that's not who I want to be with. And I just took a real chicken shit way out and kind of really own, own that. And I really want to fight for our connection and I want to fight for our marriage. And, and, but I realize that, like, I'm asking a lot. Was the last time you thanked him for something? Well, yeah, now there's a lot of that. I mean, I'm trying to do all the right things. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm thanking him

several times a day forever. Okay, well that's good. I mean, little. Yeah. There's been a lot like, and so many conversations in this time, like, there's been a lot of saying exactly those things, you know, but then like he'll, he like one night outright asked me like, like, why did you have to taste somebody else like to see my value? And, you know, like that, see, in those moments, it's like I, you're right.

didn't. I didn't have to. You're right. I made a really poor choice. And I want to figure out why I was, you know, why I was, you know, you were weak in that moment. And I don't know, like, I hope you're an individual therapy. I mean, couples therapy is certainly a way for you guys to explore how you guys lost connection. There's probably some things that you need to like explore within yourself because, again, that part, every couple experiences disconnect. Every couple, couple goes through what you and your husband went through, not necessarily the specific incidences and children, obviously, I mean, can't even imagine. My heart goes out to you and your

husband for whatever scary times you had to experience with your daughter. But every couple goes through these moments. The difference is some couples like work through it, stick together, acknowledge it, and put the work in, and some people do what you did, right? And to find out why you did that is really important. Somehow you have to try to figure out a way to assuming this is true that it had nothing to do with this guy. That's pretty much exactly what I was initially saying

was like this, it wasn't about him, it was when I was receiving and like... Well, that's where you have to change the narrative. That's like, hey, it's, it wasn't this guy, it was you. And you have to be like, it wasn't this guy, it was me. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I mean. Yeah, but it's not.

what you say. And I don't know if it's what you mean, you know, because you consistently, you know, it's, listen, it's hard. You, you, you, you, you're fucked up. And the best, the best way through this is to just completely own it. What's scary for someone in his shoes is that, again, all our feelings are valid. They are feelings. That's what they are. They just show up. Things happen. Our body responds. And then we try to process our feelings, right? Our feelings might be valid, but again, we all are responsible for handling our feelings. And you handled your feelings in a very destructive way. The way you talk, it seems like you can't, you know,

your feelings are valid. And you felt this way. And that's, you know, but it's like, he wants to be able to trust you to be able to have feelings, whatever those feelings are, especially feelings that aren't when you don't feel great about him or the connection. He needs the trust that you're still in the fight with him. And the thing he's having the hardest time probably processing is that like that's the thing you didn't do.

You weren't in the fight with him. You checked out. You went to you went to another man to process those feelings. And that was obviously very hurtful for him. If you guys don't get divorced and you go to couples therapy, individual therapy, you put all this effort in and really build back this connection. It's possible for sure. But it's also most likely is that five years from now, life will happen and you might lose a little bit of touch. He needs to know in that moment that you're not going to choose you again,

and you're not going to check out, and you're not going to go to another man when your current man is like dropping the ball a little bit, you know, because none of us are perfect, you know, and we all, you know, lose sight of some of the important things. And it's hard enough to make relationships work inside of a marriage, as you know. You just need to know that that person's not finding, you know, so easily convinced that they can that they can replace that security that your husband thought if

nothing else i provide this for my wife and my family and you were like yeah i can get it from my trainer does that make sense i think oh yeah totally i think part of the problem is like i've again like i've said a lot of these things both alone in individual counseling and couples counseling um like the owning part and I think that in my own head I'm just very desperate to get to the part of rebuilding our connection and I'm not being patient enough and like part of it is because I'm having a baby. Yeah. I mean listen that's that's I'm really that sucks like listen I I get I get what you're feeling makes a lot of sense I think you just have to try right now put your baby first put your kids first and just do what you can you know as far as working on yourself in healing and

right now i think you really need to like obviously it sounds like you already are but like expect very little from your husband and just do do the thing you know and and hope that it comes around but he needs to just know that you understand that like i really i understand what i did is so damning to us and i wish i could take it back i obviously can't but it wasn't about him and while we certainly have, I think we lost our connection, but like it was about how I chose to handle that and that's on me and I want to not do that. Yeah. And hopefully he's, hopefully he can try to get over the hurt a little bit. But yeah, I mean, it's, it's a problem. I can't imagine what you're both going through. It's tricky. You know, you both are trying to,

you both are very confused about what to do. You're in a tough spot. I'm sorry. But on the way to couples therapy today, I would maybe just say, hey, I really appreciate you still coming to this for me. I know it's not really what you want to do. And I definitely don't deserve you still showing up. But I really appreciate it. I don't know if this was helpful. I hope it was. No, it was actually. You know, like, again, you can't really, it's not something that there's a ton of people you want to talk to about this. So to get a guy's perspective is helpful. Yeah, but yeah, again, just. Try to understand why you did this. I think you're not quite there yet.

The lack of connection certainly was a catalyst for how this all went down, but it's not why you made the choices that you did and why you agreed to meet up with them in the parking garage or why you decided to re-engage the conversation. These are all like something inside you is causing you to do these kind of destructive things that deep down you knew were destructive and you did them anyways. And that's something you should definitely,

explore and understand. These were just poor decisions that you knew were poor decisions. You did them anyways, knowing it would hurt you. It would hurt people you love. And we sometimes do these very destructive things, even though we know they're not healthy for us. But understanding the why there is important. Well, keep your head up. You'll get through this. You will. And the more you understand why you made these decisions, and the more you just try to make healthier long-term decisions for yourself and your family, that will help you heal and regardless of what your husband decides. Just try to make good healthy choices for yourself and feel good about those choices.

And I think things will get a little bit better. But you'll get through this. All right. Thank you very much. All right. Take care. You too. All right.

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Start your giving fund fund today at gofundme.com slash giving. That's gofundme.com slash giving. Gofundme.com slash giving. Tax benefits depend on individuals. Individual circumstances, consult your tax advisor. How's it going? It's going all right. Going good. What's your name? My name's Sarah.

How old are you, Sarah? 31. So I broke up with my long-term boyfriend. I'm feeling a lot of regret. Did I make the right call? Okay. How long ago did you guys break up? We broke up officially last April, but...

It's almost a year. But almost a year, but spent a long. lot of the summer together actually. So spent two months apart, we're kind of talking and hanging out for about three months throughout the summer and then had communication in the fall. So you haven't really spoken with him since the fall? I'd like to say yes, but no. I found out he has a girlfriend at Christmas and I might have done the wrong thing and reached out to him then when I found out. So we talked a little that day and had one phone call. And that's been about it. My dad had surgery a month later. So we were kind of checking in about that. And that was, it's been about two months

since we last talked. You ended the relationship? I did. Yeah. How do you take it initially? Not well. We definitely talked about it for quite some time leading up to it. I did have a job opportunity that came up and I ultimately made the choice to take a job. And when I took that job, we immediately ended things without really saying much. And that job like required you to move? Yeah. In a way, I work remote for about five months out of the year currently. So you were together when this job promote opportunity came up. Yeah. And did you guys have a conversation? Like, why did it have to impact your relationship? I didn't think it did, but I brought it up potentially breaking up already.

It was a big change. And he wanted to, we actually didn't live together. We were together for eight years, but never lived together. He wanted to move in. And I was really scared to take that plunge. And so when I took the job, it was kind of a signal to him, I think, that I was trying to think of myself and not necessarily. of the relationship at that point.

How do you see it? It's, I see it pretty complicated. I think he's always had a lot of thoughts in his head of like where we should go with our relationship. And I think at that same time I had a lot of fears on my end that I did not communicate well at all. He actually proposed to me just over a year ago, a year and a few months ago and initially said yes, but was very caught off guard.

like we didn't talk about it. So I think that just kind of showed that he always had these thoughts and hopes. And he didn't really share them with me all the time and I didn't communicate my fears very well. So you were together for like six, seven years and you guys just never talked about. No, like we talked about wanting,

like that we both wanted that ultimately. But like we didn't talk about what it would look like, 31. Okay. So yeah, you guys met in your early 20s, right? Yeah. Dated throughout your entire 20s. And like, Just, you guys never talked about where this is going or like, did you?

Like, it sounds like maybe he did a little bit, but it sounds like you. Yeah, we did a bit. I think COVID was like a tough point for us. We were like going to move in together. COVID hit. He lost his dad. A lot of big things were happening from there kind of was like, we can't right now. He used to be with his mom.

And then anytime he would bring it up, I've recently learned I'm probably in a avoidant relationship style or attachment style. And yeah, I'm really realizing how much that's impacted things. So I would avoid at all costs, that's for sure. But I guess, and I'm no attachment style expert, but I'm assuming you're avoiding things that you have discomfort with, or would you just avoid any conversation period? Yeah. I'm like a kid of divorce.

I think I've always wanted to be married and like settle down. but I think have a lot of fears associated with it. So anytime things really started to get real, I would really lean into those fears and push everything away. Have you worked on that or explored that side of yourself lately? We're trying a little here and there with some occasional therapy and stuff like that. So definitely trying to figure it out. Like what does occasional therapy look like?

A little bit. during the relationship was when it was ending or kind of when we were figuring things out, I was going on my own and kind of started to go a little bit on my own now lately, but just trying to figure out what I want from it because it's a big investment. For sure, for sure. Just to paint a picture, you had a relationship for eight years. And then kind of on a whim, you ended this relationship, mostly because you, you, mostly just kind of like didn't know the answer, but I wanted to avoid having the conversations

to figure out what those answers were. And then you let a little bit of disconnect or confusion that you both had around like, where's this relationship going? And then this job, you guys allowed to use it as a sign that maybe you weren't in it. And he made some assumptions based off of how he was reading the situation, which made a lot of sense, which just, is like she's not, I don't, she doesn't, she doesn't really want to move things forward. Mm-hmm. And then she broke up with me. Yeah.

I think the only other thing I would add that like became a really big, like, sticky point for us was a lot of like political differences started to arise in the past few years that I struggled with like quite a bit. And how did you struggle with them? I definitely didn't talk through them. Yeah. we just really didn't align on some big political topics and political views. And were these things in the past few years?

Sure, sure, which I think a lot of people relate to. But I guess I'm curious, how much did these points of views did you guys have about world politics or what you see online? How much did that actually impact your relationship or connection? Yeah, I think I let a lot of outside influence like get at. at me quite a bit, like friends, family, things like that. But yeah, we would definitely get into some heated debates or arguments around that kind of thing. And I think I let it cloud the way, like, I viewed him and our future, like, raising kids and, like, gender politics and raising a family and knowing how, like, our household might view things differently. And I, yeah, definitely leaned into

those differences and let a lot of those fears hold me back. Yeah, again, these are tricky topics. Why do you feel this regret? Why are you feeling regret? I think like when we were breaking up, I was kind of grasping at straws, kind of feeling like, oh, maybe like maybe I don't love him. Like I'm not in love. Like, I always will love him. I care about him. But like, how do you know that this is the right person? Again, I think a lot of divorce kid issues, a lot of like uncertainties and like not knowing or like not knowing how to know for sure. And then once I saw that, he was in a relationship and even kind of leading up to like, is this going to be our last conversation? Just like not the most emotional person, but I would just break down like and be a total wreck. And

oh, sorry, I'm definitely going to cry. But yeah, I've just been very emotional. Like I have never been before and like can't stop thinking about it. It's been over two months since we last talked, and it's really the only thing I think about at all times and, like, picture what our life could have been like together. And, like, really makes me question everything I did and, like, makes me worry that, like, I kind of fucked up my life a bit and, like, threw it all away. No. For nothing. So, yeah. Sorry.

That's okay. Listen, I You didn't fuck up your life Then one of the dumbest phrases out there is no regrets You know, like, of course we have regrets, you know? Of course we make decisions that we've realized that like, I just, I, boy, I would have done that differently. None of my best interest.

But like life is about making mistakes And making choices that we regret And then the willingness to learn from them, right? Right. So like if I have no impact on this conversation, for you, I just want to give you some perspective, to whatever degree that you regret this decision, right? And you can regret this decision and also it doesn't ruin your life. But you do have to be willing to do something about it, right? And you were talking about therapy and you were talking about

your attachment styles and things like that. And it is a big investment therapy. But if this is a decision that you regret, and if this is a decision that you haven't fully processed and figured out why you felt the way you did. And now you're just kind of guessing, was it this, was it that? Was I influenced by this? Was it? But for whatever reason,

in the moment that you were going through this with your ex-boyfriend, you didn't lead in, you kind of pulled away. And you don't even have those answers. So like, while I understand therapy is a big investment, like this is,

while it didn't ruin your life, it certainly might have altered it. And it certainly was a consequential decision that you realize, could certainly change the trajectory of your life. Now, I've had a lot of relationships in my life that I had a hard time getting over at various periods of time. There were times where I wasn't happy with their decision, but I don't regret any relationship I'm not in today. And this is still relatively fresh for you. Where I really empathize for you is the lack of clarity that you do

have because you ended this relationship. Anyways, this is all to say, like, maybe it's worth the investment for you to put into work, even if it is some costly money. It doesn't sound fun spending money on therapy. I get that, but I think to the degree that it does affect our mental health and we are making poor decisions that are not in our best interest long term, and we are having a hard time understanding why we make the decisions that we make, finding a really good therapist that really helps us give us a new perspective and stop ruminating about things we can't change because that's what you're doing now and just make better, healthy, is a really good investment. You're still young. You're only 31, but like these are really valuable years for you right now. And I would hate for you to

like waste some of these more valuable years. Ruminating over something you can't control, which is like, honestly, like his relationship right now. Or not being willing to like make the investment just get you unstuck because you're just very stuck right now. Yeah. And that's why you're, you're feeling what you're feeling. And in my book, I talk about, a lot of it's from the lens of someone who breaks up with you comes back into your life and it's very confusing. And it's just like, just remember, like when they ended that relationship on some level, whether they were right or wrong, they thought they could do better than this relationship. Or you, I guess, in some regard. Part of that is somewhat true. And then when they come back in this relationship, there is a level of

just a lack of patience. Something thought that something thought that this relationship wasn't serving them. And they thought they could do better. And most of the time our guts aren't wrong. We might have a hard time understanding our guts or listening to our gut, but most of the time our gut knows what we want. And when people come back, it's just a lack of patience because they haven't found the thing that they hoped or assumed would just come into their lives faster than it did. And then when you add to the fact that like he found someone else, it gives you a sense of panic. And so like there's just a really good chance. It's not him. And it isn't the biggest regret of your life. But like you just haven't been able to like process why you left that

relationship and really understand it in a healthy way. And he did. And that that hurts. And there it triggers your ego. But like I would, if I were you, I would stop telling yourself that this isn't worth an investment to help yourself get unstuck. Yeah. Well, I feel like you answered my question that I've been asking myself too is like, I've wanted to reach out. Like, I've done all the, like, those things where you, like, write a letter but don't send it or, like, write a text but not send it. And I want to send it so badly. And I'm like, should I, should I just tell him that I want to be with him?

But probably your answer would be no. No, I don't, I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. I think if you send it, you should assume you're not going to get the answer you want. Yeah. If you're like reflecting back for the past year and yeah, we talked here, we talked there, but I never really told him I regretted it. So if I'm him and I broke up with him, I don't know what he thinks about that. Yeah.

And if there's any party that's wondering if he still has feelings, if you really put yourself out there, what he changed his mind, then shoot your shot. Yeah. I definitely am like hanging on to like some of the last last words kind of thing. like I would like when he said like I would never have given up if I knew like he were there like he bought a place in the city I live while we were broken up in hopes that we might get together one day so like there's just some things that I'm definitely hanging myself up on so I mean listen you guys dated for eight years he's been dating this chick for a couple months like I don't know

if listen if he is fully in love with her and and it's moved on, that might be the case. And honestly, maybe he needed it and meet someone else to get over you. I needed that when my first relationship was for seven years off and on. Like I was, I just, I needed like to meet someone else. And honestly, I have said this before. I never felt like I fully got over girlfriend number one until after girlfriend number two and I broke up. I never went back to girlfriend number one because, you know, it was really toxic and I just was like, I realized it wasn't healthy. Maybe he's realizing that too. And you have to allow, him to feel that way and not have it like really set you back. And you need to have to trust your

gut and his gut that maybe there is a reason why in over eight years you guys couldn't move things forward. But at the same time, maybe it really is a product of this attachment style. In fairness to him, if you need to really understand that. You really, really, you need to know if that's the answer. And I don't know if you know if that's the answer. You don't know if this is a reaction to life hasn't moved the way you wanted it to move in the past six months and then you finally had a girlfriend and it's just like what am I doing and it's a fair question for him to ask like why wasn't that enough when I was there once you get what you want in this moment which is to get him back are you going to is it going to be a back to the oh fuck did I panic did I did I fight for something like because I didn't

have it now I have it and I don't know if I want it yeah that's a good point I mean yeah in the fall I was like okay I have to like get on the apps I I have to, like, put myself out there. And then I realize, holy, like, I haven't grieved, like, a relationship. I haven't figured myself out. So, yeah, definitely trying to try to do that now. Yeah, and it takes some time. Eight years was a long time with someone.

Listen, if there's a party that he wants to send a letter, send the letter, I don't know. Yeah. And it might be feel good for you to just really put yourself out there. Like, right now, if you would, like, would you, are you ready to get engaged to him? Like, what do you want? I want. I do think I want that. Like, I want to have a family more than more than anything.

And yeah, I just feel like I've let a lot of my fears hold myself back from even like considering that. Like, even just fears in life. Like, things can go wrong in life. And I think I just like kind of let that get in my way for a long time. So, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, part of me thinks that part of me really feels that. you know, I, if he said yes tomorrow, like I would jump right on to that. But I do know that I need to still work on myself even.

Oh, we all do. Even. Yeah. Honestly, part of me thinks you should send the letter as a way to just feel good about you putting yourself out there. And like knowing that like, this probably won't, this probably won't go the way I want. But. Yeah. I will survive putting myself out there and really.

making a grand gesture and trying. And if we don't try, we will definitely not get what we want. And you spent a lot of time with him avoiding moving things forward out of the fear of the unknown and the risk that like a step forward would hurt more if it ended up going to taking a step back. And you have come to realize that you can still lose out on special things in your life by just avoiding them altogether. And so that's not, that's definitely a lot. That's definitely won't work. So. Yeah. And like learn the lesson.

I don't think, no matter what happens in your life, 20 years from now, you're going to be regretting this moment, unless you obsess over it to the point where you just keep making bad decision after bad decision. Definitely determined not to let that happen. And then it won't. It won't. But reaching out to him to not get the answer you want will definitely give you some closure. Because there are, this, this is.

is a guy who has stood by your side over the years while you have been indecisive and and and um avoidant as you say and so there's that part of you that's still like yeah has that hope that he just needs a little incur you know like he just given up on him it's like you don't blame him from giving up on you because you kind of gave him nothing to fight for anymore yeah totally yeah he just might have moved on he might have realized that this wasn't the best relationship for us. And he has the right to feel that way. And if he does feel that way, maybe there's some truth in it that you need to, like, accept.

But all I'm saying is there's a party that's probably having a hard time moving on, wondering if you, what if I shot my shot, but is it too late to shoot my shot? And what if I really put myself out there? And what, but if he says no, that it really hard, just fucking just do it. And then if you don't get the answer you want, just be like, like it had to be done. I needed to say it. I did some version of that like long ago and I definitely don't regret it. And I didn't get the answer I wanted in the in the moment. But it definitely felt good to just say it because it was something that never really, there was things I never really said and we kind

of, I don't know, in a different situation. But yeah, I don't regret it and I don't think about that person at all. But in the moment, I, you know, I felt like I needed to put it out there. So yeah, I don't think there's not a lot of harm that can come from you sending this letter or reaching out. Yeah, I guess I was like, didn't, don't want to be that like crazy ex portrayed, but like at the same time. Who cares to who? To her friends? Yeah. Yeah.

You will be the crazy and knowing ex crazy bit to her. I don't know. I mean, who cares. Yes. The reality is, this is someone who's in your life for eight years. It was very meaningful and certainly right now. If you guys don't get back together, you know, I can't. It is only 31 when you're my age.

This will be such a distant memory. You won't remember him. You won't know him. It's a weird, bizarre thing. It is crazy, you know, as you get older, I've had very meaningful relationships at the time where the most important relationship I have in my life. And now I don't know who these people are. Yeah, that's a crazy, crazy thought for me right now, but I definitely have to have that perspective

sometimes. The difference between, yeah, I think me and you in that moment is like you, this avoidant part of you is stopping you from putting yourself out there. And again, I'm no expert when it comes to this, but I imagine people who are like you often feel like regret because you avoid really putting yourself out there out of fear of something that bad can happen. And you don't even allow the bad thing to happen. You try to beat it to the punch.

And then the regret comes from the like, well, I don't even know if that bad thing would have happened. Yeah. Hit the nail on my head there, I think. Try to work on that for sure, because that is something that is hard to process. And disappointment is inevitable in life, especially the people we love the most,

finding someone who is willing to fight for us and work with us, but we do have to give them something to fight for. He fought for a long time. So I, like, definitely give him the credit. of like he was fighting against me who was not putting in the same effort. I would make the investment, whatever that looks like for you. Yeah. And processing why you make some of these choices,

because I don't think you fully have the answers yet. And like, it'll be an ongoing thing you work on. But instead of, like, it's so easier us to be like, oh my God, a couple hundred bucks for therapy. It's just like, I don't know, it's a lot of money. And it's just like, but like, you, just said, this is all you think about, it's consuming your entire life. Think of how much energy and time and resources that you're putting into this, that do have, I mean, there is a legitimate

cost you can attribute to not addressing this, that it can even be financial. And so when you think of it in those terms, this would be a, this investment makes a lot of sense for you. assuming you can afford it, you know, and like you make sacrifices in other areas, final thought before I let you go, but like, yeah, if you are investing a lot of emotional energy into something or someone,

and that emotional energy that you're investing in ultimately is just making you sad or unhappy, then that is an important signal that like something needs to change. And it would be worth it to recalibrate your emotional energy is going to things that make you happy and to feeling unstuck.

When we're stuck in these kind of emotional, unhappy states of mind, it's really costly. And to that end, I think that's where it's definitely more than worth it to seek help. Yeah, definitely need to recommit to that for sure. And I think send that letter out and hopefully it helps me to stop thinking about it so much. I just say the, get the things out that I wanted to say. Yeah, it sounds like you need to do that and to let the chips far where they may. But getting it out, clearly, whatever amount of time you were spending wondering what would happened if you send that letter is a good sign that you should have sent the damn letter.

Yeah, definitely. Very right. All right. Well, let us know what you do. I would love to know. Yeah, for sure. What happens, but. Thanks so much.

My pleasure. Sorry you're feeling like this, but it'll get better. You didn't ruin your life. But what you do right now, I think we'll really make a big difference on where your life goes. Yeah, I totally agree. All right. All right. Take care.

Thanks. You too. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hey, I'm Missy. I'm 37. My husband is Catholic, was raised Catholic, and I've been wanting to convert, but I know my mom is

going to be very against it. So I just wanted your advice. Okay. Why would your mom be against it? So my, you know, I grew up Christian, you know, always going to church. We're Protestant, the congregational church. And my parents have always been very involved in whatever church they're a part of. So right now the church, you know, it's in our hometown.

They retiled the floors of the hall themselves. They have put like their blood, sweat and tears into the church, helping with the church. My mom's a deacon. My dad synced in the choir. So they're very much tied. They're hardcore. Mom's a deacon. to the church.

Yeah. Okay. Yep. So, yeah, and, you know, when my husband and I got married, you know, he grew up Irish Catholic and we were going to get married in the Catholic Church and go through Precena and everything. And my mom didn't know that, but eventually we didn't do it because we ended up getting married in our backyard. And a Catholic priest won't come to your backyard and marry a Protestant to a Catholic.

So we're just like, oh, it's fine. We'll just get married by, you know, my parents pastor at the time. And my husband, you know, wasn't really pushing for it. And now he's kind of regretted it. Why? Does he regretted it? Yeah. He, you know, just wants to get back to the Catholic church.

And sometimes after you have kids and stuff like that, you know, he'd become more religious again. Yeah. He went to Catholic school his whole life. And it was kind of one of those things where he thought, oh, I did my time. Yeah, no, I tell you really. I was raised very Catholic and I went to church every Sunday into my 30s. And I don't find myself to be all that religious. whatever, that's not about me, but having kids and just a family, it's just like that routine,

I think is something that I added value to my life. And anyways, Natalie and I have talked about like, should we start going to, should we go to church? You know? Yeah. Not because it's like we're being called by the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but like it's like maybe we want to just. Maybe you are. Maybe you are. Yeah, who knows?

And then obviously me being raised Catholic, I'm kind of like, well, listen, if I'm going back, I'm going back here, you know, because this is the place I know. Yeah, that is exactly how my husband feels. And like for the longest time, he was very uncomfortable even going to my church. And I didn't get it because like that's the church I grew up in. You know, like I was comfortable with it. But he was like, you know, he likes the structure of Catholic Church. He likes the rules. He likes all of that. And I started reading the Bible a couple of months ago. And as a Protestant, I just never really read it. And I was like, you know what I'm going to sit down and read it. I don't know what exactly called me to do it. But I, you know, started reading it. And then. And then this happens sometimes. When you start reading the Bible, you look into the church fathers and how the church was founded. And I just found out so much stuff I didn't know. And I never really understood the Eucharist and how Catholics, you know, truly believe it is the body and blood of Christ. And, you know, in the Protestant church, it's kind of just a symbol.

You know, we only do it once a month. And I don't know. I can't explain it to you. I've just been called to, like, receive the Eucharist. And I feel like that's just what I want to do. And I've spent a lot, a lot of time thinking about it. and I feel pretty convicted. So I'm just like, my biggest hurdle is I don't know how I'm going to tell my mom.

Well, I mean, I don't, why, I guess it, listen, like you feel, you don't need, obviously, my opinion is irrelevant about. Yeah. What you feel inside. And it seems like, if nothing else, this is bringing you feeling a little more connected to your husband and you guys are sharing a shared value. For sure. For me, obviously, I think that in the context. of you talking about your interpersonal relationships, right? This is like, do I invest in my relationship with my husband and my family or at the risk

of upsetting my mom? Or what does it look like if I prioritize my mom's feelings over my husband or even my own? Yeah. For me, obviously, it's, you know, like my relationship with God, my relationship with my husband, my kids, then my parents, you know. My mom is, I don't want to call her scary. She's intimidating. You had to call her a few months ago who was like talking about how their mom will ice them out and like not talk to them and kind of bully them.

Like my mom is very much like that. Okay. Well. She had very strong convictions. Not very Christlike, you know. Well, like when I wanted to move in with my husband, we've been together since we were 18 and we wanted to move in together after college, I got a job where he got a job. you know, whatever. It made sense to moving together. I knew I was going to be with them. She told me there's no point in having a wedding. She was going to help me move in with him.

You know, she freaked out. And I stayed calm because I knew it was the right thing. And she got favorite, but it was painful and it was scary. And I don't want to go through it again. But I'm going to, but I just like, how should I say? Why? Was it that scary at the time? I don't know. She was, I don't know. You were also 18. Like, yes. 19, you know. Yeah, I was like 21 at that time.

Yeah. Okay. I know. And I'm like an adult. I have three children. I shouldn't be scared of her. But she's also in the process of moving next door to us. They're redoing the house next door to us.

So they're about to move there. And she's going through, you know, the stress of moving and refinishing a house. So I feel like I can't talk to her about it right now. Why do you need to talk to her about it? Why do you even need her blessing? Because we go to church with them like pretty regularly. To her church. To her church.

Yeah, to her church. And in the summer, especially she takes my kids every Sunday. I'm a cottage baker and I do a farmer's market every Sunday. So she takes my kids to her church every Sunday. So like it's just a part of our relationship too. You know, I haven't been keeping it a total secret from her. Like when we travel to see family, I've been telling her like we go to Mass. You know, she knows we've been going.

Like I have a crucifix, not a cross hanging in the house now. She saw, I have all these, you know, books about saints that she, like, made mention of and saw. So, like, it's not like I've been totally keeping alive. I am, I will say I'm somewhat fascinated. I mean, I only come from the perspective of growing up Catholic. It's my, you probably know more than me about Catholicism at this point. But there's a little bit of, like, I think as Catholics be like, you know, when it comes to Christianity, we're the first. And all these other Christian religion.

are stem from Catholicism and it was just like a bunch of humans cherry picking what they like or didn't like about this flawed religion and like in that is like but I find it fascinating to hear what like this man it's still like so there's so many similarities between all these Christian face there's differently nuance but like it your mom's seems really bent out of shape about some of the cultures or rituals that the Catholics have like what who cares like you So you, so you're, I don't know. She always had, she always, like, spoke badly about Catholics as a child. You know, I always had these preconceived notions about.

Is she Irish? You know, because it was the Irish or Protestant. They've been at war and shit. My, we're, so my family's been here since the 1780s, so, uh, on both sides. So we are, you know, Protestant, like, all the way back. Okay. Yeah. I mean, listen, I think you know the, you know the, one, you have the power here.

your mom's moving next to you, not the other way around in a way. So she's like literally moving to your neighborhood. I imagine that their decision to move next to you guys is because as they enter into this kind of third act of their lives, they want to be close to their grandchildren and their children, right? Yeah. That's something they're prioritizing. And it's to help me too because like I need to be able to take them to doctor's appointments. like what if they can't drive you know like it's very like thoughtful i'm looking forward to it they

can still help me with the kids right now you know but to be great to be clear when when when your mom and dad made a decision to buy a house next to you it wasn't because you called them up and said i need your help and they were like all right all right fine we'll make this huge sacrifice to help you just right i just want to well i think that's really important to remember because if you if you move forward this, you know, knowing your mom, she will probably make it seem like that in a way. She will pull on any levers of power that she has. And as you're sure, you've heard me talk about this, it's a weird dynamic for that parent-child relationship, but you are definitely more in the driver's seat than she is now. You just are. Yeah. You know, you, it's... You're right. Sometimes I

forget that. Your family, I mean, I don't know if you have other siblings and I'm sure if she has other grandchildren. I do. He's not religious at all and he lives far away. So. Okay. So that gives you even more influence and empower. And so she is really centering her life around your family, not her family, your family. And I understand that she, you know, gave you life and she is grandma. But it's your family and it's your husband's family. And you guys get to ultimately dictate the rules. And what's really important is like, you don't need to, like, convince her. You don't need her blessing. You don't even need to try to change her mind or make her feel.

Like, ultimately, this is like, I would try to remove the conflict. I wouldn't enter any type of religious discussions about, like, why you are right or why your religion is now better than her. It's just like, Mom, I'm just, what I've gotten from you, mom, is that you have a deep connection with your faith. And that's something, Mom, I always respected and valued. And I don't know why I have found this connection that I have found, but to the degree that, like, I've seen it have a positive impact in your life,

I want that same positive impact. And I am just, like, following my heart in prioritizing my relationship with my husband. And this feels right to me. And I am just trusting that this feeling that I have is good and true. Obviously, I don't want it to have a conflict with you. But ultimately, Mom, we believe in the same thing. There's some nuance here. You might prioritize certain things, but we believe in the same thing here.

Right. I'm like, I'm still, you know, we're both following Christ, but I, she's just, she has a lot of like pride, like, I think it's part of it. Like, I think she's honestly going to be embarrassed that, like, she's going to be embarrassed to tell her friends that her church that we're becoming Catholic. I honestly think that is going to be the hardest part of it for her. So I don't know, like, do I acknowledge? that or do I just say just speak from the heart I've been called to do this I don't I don't know like do

I acknowledge that I know it's going to be like a little hard where no I don't know you're kind of saying like take that part out of it yeah I wouldn't assume and I certainly wouldn't throw it in her face you know right the big thing in this kind of dynamic is you can't play into her reaction and if she is hurt by this and you suspect that she will be hurt hurt people hurt people She will try to make you feel bad. And it's really important for you to just say, mom, I understand where this hurts coming from.

I certainly am not trying to hurt you. But I understand. And I am sorry you are feeling this way. But I hope that if nothing else, that like the fact that I am prioritizing my marriage, I am doing something that feels right, it is bringing me closer together with my husband. it makes our marriage stronger.

I'm assuming that's how you would feel. And that regardless of how we got there, I would hope if nothing else, that would just make you happy that I'm doing that. Because that is obviously something, Mom, that I have always respected about you and how you've prioritized your relationship with dad. And I understand how we're getting there.

I mean, she hasn't, but that's the whole other story. Whatever. You know, fine. But I don't want to put words in your mouth. No, no, I know. You have to find the words to make your mom feel good about and not, not do the things that, you know, not fight back and be okay with mom being a little disappointed. Her feelings are not your responsibility. Certainly not the staging your life.

Yeah, you're right. And she, she will work through it. And you, again, you know deep down this is not like her, she's going to act like your soul's on the line. But you know that's not the case. That's basically what I did, you know, all those years ago when I told her I was moving anyway. Like she didn't have anything to hold over me at that point. I had a job. I had my phone plan and I had my car.

So it was like I knew she couldn't threaten me with anything, you know? And that's we're still in the same position now. You know, they don't like support us or whatever. She doesn't have anything to hold over me. Yeah. In terms of like, you can't do this or I'm taking this away. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Well, no. I mean. going to do what she wants to see the kids she wants to be a part of my life i know she's not going to like cut me out yeah i just she's just going to be a little afraid of she's going to be a headache yeah for a little bit and i don't want to tell her right now because she's going through the move like march 28th is move-in day i'm like i got to wait until easter like yeah saying on easter great perfect timing yeah that's great or like you know yeah listen i know i think this is going to be fine.

And at the right time, I think you could remind mom, you know, mom last time I gave you some really disappointing news that you didn't approve of. It was when I moved in with him. And it turned out okay. Look at us now. 20 years later. Yeah. I mean, you know, I wouldn't have what I have with him or, you know, your, your

grandchildren if I listened to you. Right. You know. And at the end of day, Mom, I, you've been a great parent and I have a lot to be grateful for but I'm you know I will continue to make my choices that feel right for me and and I might make mistakes this is something that feels right and if nothing else it does make me feel more connected and closer to my husband and marriage and honestly that that's the only answer I really need that's huge yeah it's huge you know and so

like I very like didn't want to like blame it on my husband either like I didn't want to be like you know My husband, like, this is what he wants. I'm doing what he wants. Like, I very much wanted to come from a place like this is what I want, you know? So I don't want her to, like, hold anything against him. Not that she would because she, like, respects and loves him. Yeah, it's not, it's, yeah, it's, that's the thing. He's not making you do it.

It's, you're, you're clearly open to it. And it clearly makes you feel like, like you guys are sharing something. Your mom should be able to get there. And you're probably right. She's the deacon. But I don't know. I think your mom kind of needs to get over it. I think there's a, how many?

I know, and I know, like, I know she will. I know she will, but I'm just like, oh, God. You know, how many? The anticipation. I mean, it's, it's more common that, you know, the religion you raise your kids up in. I don't know, my, I have 10 siblings. We grew up very Catholic. I don't know how many of my siblings still go to church.

I think every Sunday. I think a couple, we're all finding our own way. Our relationships with God is often, like everything else, a journey, you know, sometimes we're more connected, sometimes we are disconnected, sometimes we find meaning in other things. I'm pretty sure if God does exist, he won't be splitting hairs with the man-made religions that we chose to follow and the ones that we allowed us to feel more connected to this higher power. You know, I'm no, I don't know what the answer is, but I feel like if there is a higher power, it will be more about how we carried ourselves and how we treated other people and however we

found the way to have a relationship with this higher power i think what matters most is that we do have that relationship remind your mom with love and without anger yeah i know i just need to say totally calm like sometimes i have to just kind of stonewall her with information i know she's not kind of like i just say it and then nothing else i wouldn't i definitely wouldn't preach to her i would keep it real short. Mom, this is something we're doing. It also doesn't mean you can't go to church with your mom anymore. Like, it's like you convert to Catholic.

You're not allowed into a Protestant church. Come on. You know, like, no, for sure. And like she's probably going to take the kids for me this summer. You know, they're probably going to get double church, you know. Sorry, guys.

But they're at the age where they're going to get, you know, their first communion. They'll start in the fall. So I think that's kind of why I'm like, right, I want to start this now. I want them to get their first communion, you know. participate in the rights, etc. So. Yeah.

And then I would go to, it's called OCIA now. It's like, it's a long process. Like it starts in the fall and it ends at Easter. So, so yeah, like it's going to be a big part of my life for that year. You know, like she, I have to tell her. I imagine you have a lot of other things to share with her outside of that. Yeah, no, for sure. And, you know, your mom obviously is a Protestant deacon.

And, and now you're converting to Catholicism. And again, when it comes to your own kids, I would just remember that at the end of the day, what you want, what you want to give your kids is like a positive opportunity to have some kind of relationship with this higher power, but they're going to choose it for themselves. And all you can do is. And I feel like that's what my husband's family did. Like they really, like his parents, his mom never pressured me. Like I knew she would like love it if we work at it. Like when I called her to tell her that we'd been going to Mass, she literally started sobbing. But like she had never ever pressured me or made me feel bad about it.

Like she was always just like, we love you. And your journey is your journey, you know. Yeah. Well, I feel like that's how I'll be. I think this is going to be okay. It has to be. I mean, I don't think she'll let it not be okay for more than maybe a week. Yeah.

And she is allowed. Listen, she's allowed to be disappointed. The same way your mother-in-law cried out of happiness. Like, yeah, you know, like. Yeah. these women are very connected to their faith. It's a big deal to them. They want to share that connection with the people they love.

It makes a lot of sense. So like just give your mom some empathy and it's not, she's not against you. She's just a little disappointed and she has to process it in her own way. The important thing for you to do is not make it worse, not try to be right. You don't have to convince her to love it. And if she overreacts and says some different,

some slightly hurtful things you really can't give it what would Jesus do you know I know I can do it I know I can rip the bandit off

yeah I mean yeah I would just so anyways I'm I'm Catholic I wouldn't just say that well that's the thing I don't want to like sit her down and be like I have something important to tell you because I hate it once people do that to me like I want to just like mention it casually kind of you know yeah I get it you know

well this don't let them marinate but it is important to her you know it's important to her yeah I mean I'm not going to be like flipping but I also don't want to be like scare her or something you know like yeah I'm just going to bring it up like obviously we spend a lot of time together so like I was scared honestly she was going to come over while we're on the call because they just you know stop by all the time you know good news bad news news mom. Good news is I'm really, really leaning more into my Christian beliefs through Catholicism. This is all good news. You know, it's like, again, like, yeah. However marriages find ways to remain and stay connected or I think especially with ones with kids, it's really important. And it

sounds like you and your husband are doing that and you're doing it and it sounds like a fairly positive way. At least it's positive for you. And that's what matter. Oh, for sure. And that's, yeah. Yeah. I've watched him open up in ways I never thought possible. Like, I'm just like kind of seeing another side of him. It's like honestly really beautiful. Yeah. So and those are things you should share with your mom. It's just like how we got there is how we got there mom. The important thing is what it's doing for us as individuals. And I think that is a very Godlike thing. And I still believe in the, we believe in the same. We're praying in the same. We're praying in the same. God, Mom. You know, we're just communicating with him differently. And we have our, that's it,

mom. I'll let you guys know how it goes. All right. Definitely keep us posted. And congrats on the twin pregnancy. We have twins as well. All right. Any advice? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's hard. They were my first. So I had twins before I had a singleton. So for us, we didn't know any better, you know? Having one kid is, it's hard, you know, anyway. So having two is obviously really, really hard. But since it was our first, we were like, well, we didn't know what to expect. It's a lot. It's a lot.

But get them on the same schedule if you can. Same feeding schedule, same sleeping schedule. And yeah, you'll be okay. The first year is really hard, but you'll get through it. Okay. All right. Well, thanks for the advice. Yeah.

And it's a blessing. Like, I mean, I always wanted twins. We'd play the game of life. I would cry if I didn't get twins in the game of life. And so I got them. All right. Boy girl, girl, girl, boy. We have a boy and a girl.

Okay. So you guys are going to have two girls, right? Yeah, two girls. Oh, girls. All girls. Yeah, we have another one that is a girl also. So we have two girls and a boy. All right.

Well, good luck. But, yes, good luck. Keep us posted. I appreciate it. Thank you. All right. All right. I will.

Thanks so much. Okay, bye-bye.