The Viall Files - E1107 Ask Nick - He Is Perfect… But He Has a Girlfriend

Episode Date: April 13, 2026

Caller one found her perfect guy: her type, sweet, checks every box… one problem: he has a girlfriend. Caller two brings her boyfriend to figure out their future, but their past won't stay buried. And caller three? Stuck in a situationship, wondering what are we, and is it even worth it? "He's not your guy, he's not willing to be your guy." The Viall Files is going LIVE with the new cast of Temptation Island on May 4th! Tickets are on sale NOW! For more information, please visit netflixisajokefest.com.  Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday. Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick's Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with "Texting Office Hours" in the subject line!  To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: American Home Shield - Listeners can get 20% off select plans today! Just visit https://ahs.com/viallfiles to sign up. See https://ahs.com/contracts for coverage details, including service fees, limitations and exclusions.  Upwork - Visit https://Upwork.com right now and post your job for free.  Helix - Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall for 20% off sitewide for their Spring Savings Event. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you! Little Spoon - Try Little Spoon Formula with their 2 can trial pack (Buy 1, Get 1 free - that's $30 for 2 cans), which is great if you're easing into the transition. That's https://littlespoon.com/tryformula  The RealReal - The RealReal is the most trusted name in authenticated luxury resale, With over ten thousand new arrivals daily, no one does resale like The RealReal. And now, get $25 OFF off your first purchase when you go to https://TheRealReal.com/files CarGurus - Buy or sell your next car today with Car Gurus at https://cargurus.com  1-800-Flowers - Mother's Day is Sunday, May 10th and bouquets are selling out fast.To claim your Double Roses offer before they're gone, visit https://1800Flowers.com/viall   Timestamps: 00:00 - Intro 00:50 - Caller One 38:14 - Caller Two 1:16:25 - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @izeweaver

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now offers ad-free episodes for all VAL Files episodes including Ask, Nick, Reality Recap, and Going Deeper. Plus, if you love Ask Nick, you will absolutely love our Ask Nick updates where you get updates of your favorite calls, our deep dive on all your favorite reality recap TV shows, and our pop culture roundups where we talk about all your favorite pop culture topics that we didn't get to in this week's episode. Plus deep dives on our going deeper guest and so much more. All you have to do is go to VALFiles Plus, and you will be lucky you did. pretty good my name's aaron i am 27 and i finally met a guy that checks all my boxes but he has a girlfriend all right well so i get i'm curious is how did you get to the place of thinking he checks

all your boxes like did you meet him on like is this like an online profile or have you become closer and closer with him like what's going on that makes you feel this is uh it was a natural meet you. I just moved from a different city to start my current schooling program. And we found out that we both moved from the same original city and then ended up in the one we're currently in. So we had that in common. So I haven't known him for very long. And just like interactions in like the course work and like study groups and stuff like that. We just got along really well. He had a lot of like attributes that would make me attracted to somebody and things that I'm looking for. So on a whim, I just reached out to him one day and I said, hey, I'm going to be at this coffee shop at this time. If you want to come hang out and

study, get out at the house, because we don't know anybody here. We're both transplants. So yeah, I was like, if you want to come and he showed up. So that's kind of how that started. Did you know he had a girlfriend at this point? No. And we had already been in our program for almost two months. and had never mentioned a girlfriend or... Second question. At this point, you didn't know he had a girlfriend, obviously, which prompted you to ask him to meet up coffee. Did you think, from just your point of view,

that he was being a little friendly, a little flirty? Did you feel like, yeah, there was some chemistry that he was sharing with you in a way? Enough for me to at least reach out. Enough for me to have the confidence to reach out. Second question is if he was your boyfriend and he had the exact same relationship in those two months. And again, mostly that relationship, it seemed like you were schoolmates or like, you know, how would you think of his actions? It definitely was, like, innocent.

Like, there was never any boundaries crossed or, like, questions or anything like that. I just thought he was. I just to be totally honest, if I'm just saying not you, you're saying, you're saying, But if you're his girlfriend, so you think that like, okay, if this was my boyfriend and he went to a different school and he was like, I'm assuming they probably had some kind of conversations that was like, hey, babe, I'm doing this program and I'm studying. And then it's like, okay, well, we got to do long distance because I love you and all this stuff. And they probably had a lot of conversations about boundaries and anxiety around like, you know, people like you that he might meet. And I'm just curious if you were her putting yourself in that shoes, regardless of intention, like, would you, could you be watching him with a mirror ball and just be like, yeah, no, just, that's exactly how I want him to carry himself. Definitely not, but like up until the point, I asked him to go to coffee, no. And like I said, I didn't know that he never had said anything because he had mentioned like, oh, yeah, I'm going

home for the weekend. Like, he had, you know, had plans. And he was like, I was like, oh, what are you going to do? He's like, oh, I'm just going to like go and go, go, go be with. my friends, like all my friends are here. So there was like definitely some sort of like prompting like, oh, I'm going to go and be with my girlfriend. Yeah. So that's another question I'm curious about. If you're his girlfriend, right, do you think given the conversations you had with him and that you saw him have with other people, would you be frustrated that he didn't go out of his way in any of those conversations to just be like, yeah, I'm going to go like to just let people know he has a girlfriend, just to put it out in the world. If you're his

girlfriend. When it came up, it was after, so we had the coffee thing or whatever. And he, he was the one that initiated, again, still unaware he has a girlfriend. He initiated like, hey, we're in a nice area. Like, it's evening time. Like, let's go get a beer. So after we go and get a beer, everything's going great. I'm pretty excited at this point. I'm like, wow, this is going so great. And then, and then ever slightly and casually, he goes, oh, yeah, me and my girlfriend. And just kind of Like, and I was just like, what are you doing here with me then? That's a good question. Didn't make any sense.

Yeah. Yeah, it was a great. I didn't ask that question because I was just like, well, I don't want to. I was like, well, maybe he is like a platonic person and he's like in those comfortable spaces. But I kind of think in regards to how you're thinking that I would be kind of upset if you spent all this time with someone I don't know in a city I don't know. Yeah. I mean, listen, your question, right, is like, hey, this person. and I kind of am developing a crush on

as a girlfriend. So, you know, your question is centered around how do I handle this, but ultimately, like, you know, I'm assuming you don't want to be some relationship wrecker, but if he doesn't want to be with his girlfriend and he wants to be with you, you kind of are, you're very interested in having this guy become your boyfriend. I am.

Right? So you should be very much thinking, you should be very much thinking about if I'm his girlfriend right now, and I'm on the other side, how do I, you have a front row, you know, like, for example, like every person in a relationship, right? I mean, I mean, I should, but like for the people, I guess may be a better way of saying it. For the people in relationships where they're, you know, things are happening. I'm not sure if, you know, it sounds weird. The things that happen that lead people to go through their partner's phone that they know they shouldn't do, but they do it anyways, right?

if you've seen Beauty and the Beast, you know, that glass mirror, you know, where he's like, show me this, you know. And a lot of people in relationships would probably take advantage of the opportunity to be like, show me my boyfriend right now, especially like young couples who try, are trying long distance, just to check in, you know, not because they want to spy, but they just want to, they want to feel like, you know what, I'm going to check in on my boyfriend and girlfriend, and I'm going to see them being a great boyfriend and girlfriend. And right now, you have this mirror.

You have this power. You are watching him show you exactly how he is as a boyfriend. And I just would, like, every step of the way, I would ask myself if I were you, if I'm his girlfriend and am I comfortable with this? Is this how I would want him to treat me? Again, you can make excuses for him because, like, right now, you're doing kind of the opposite thing. You know, you have a crush on him. he's checked some boxes and you are very much

trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Also, partly there's a element of like, you don't want to be a relationship wrecker and you don't want to be that girl. So obviously you're like, I didn't know, you know, like, and you've done nothing wrong here. This is not your relationship protect. You have no reason to be defensive.

And ultimately, if you guys have chemistry and he realizes maybe he's met someone new that he wants to explore, he has the right to do that and it's not a sin, but how he goes about that really matters, you know? Does he deal with his shit at home in a way that, like, makes you think he has high character, that he doesn't make excuses for things and he doesn't, like, he's not a monkey going from one branch to another, dipping his toes in the waters with like a potential relationship with you,

feeling it out while, you know, and then playing that game of like, I'm not really doing anything wrong. But like, but if my girlfriend was watching, she'd be pretty fucking pissed. Yeah. Yeah. It's just, I don't know. I guess I'm trying to read it the right way because sometimes, you know, you often think like, okay. Well, like to your point, no act like physical boundaries have been crossed. There hasn't been a lot of inquiry on like what my, what I'm looking for, like things like that.

Those quite, those relationship type questions haven't been asked. Has he complimented you on your looks ever? Not really. I wouldn't say that. However, like, he didn't invite me to go hang out with him again. He has invited me to hang out with him again. Like, like small gestures, I guess. But I guess what I'm kind of trying to understand is, okay, well, maybe he really is just like my friend. He's really just trying to be my friend, you know? I mean, what do you really think? I don't think that's true. I mean, okay, let's say. I mean, Just to give him the benefit of the doubt, let's say that's actually his intention is to just be your friend. At least let's just let's, if nothing else, that's what he's telling himself, which honestly is probably true. Again, just back to the if you were his girlfriend, regardless of what he's telling himself in the mirror or do his buddies, would you, if you, you know, if someone was just filming his, you know, would, would you be totally okay with it? How would you feel about your boyfriend, you know, asking you out to go grab a beer?

Yeah, because, I mean, yeah, because I mean, and that's what he's asking to do again. It's like, hey, like, because the weather's getting nicer where we live and, you know, patio season. He's like, oh, we should go and like, like, try to make these, like, plans with me. How old is he? He is 26. Okay. He just turned 26. You know, young enough.

but like he's not like you know this behavior the way you're talking um i would cut some slack you know if you were like i'm 21 i'm 19 i'm 20 you know i were i'm a sophomore in college i'd give you some slack because or him i mean i don't you're you've done nothing wrong here i mean the only thing i could critique as i think you are i think you're making some excuses and you're not looking at it through the lens that if i were you i would to protect yourself and again you have a real opportunity to see how this man operates as a boyfriend and you're not seeing it that way because it really doesn't matter what his intentions are you know you're doing the game of like well i don't really think he means this and i wonder what he thinks and you're talking

to your girlfriend's guessing his intentions and all that you really need to ask yourself is if i'm his girlfriend would i be what i fuck with this like would i be cool with this yeah yeah but it's yeah i think i just like weighed more into the like the checking of the boxes rather than like actual context because what are the boxes he's checking he seems like really like with a program we're in it does require some sort of like large amounts of like ethical like responsibility and caring for others and that sort of thing so like seeing that play out in real life and having to like do the go through those things and also the vigor of like the course work like I can tell he's really smart. Also just like willing like it's it's hard to like be willing to move to like better

yourself from a place of like comfort. So I feel like we can like relate in those ways. To me it shows that there's like some sort of dedication for self improvement. He's also like pretty to look at. That's always nice. He's really fun. So I can tell he likes to like get out of the house and do things. Yeah. And I'm not a home body myself. So there's I mean, I know those are like surface level, but like, you know, those are good, like, the kindness part and, like, being able to, like, think about others and then, you know, ambition. Those are important to me. I'm Googling something here.

What are you Googling? What professions cheat the most? Isn't it, like, the three peas, physicians, firefighters, police? So that the three teams Number three is Doctors, Nurses and EMTs And I would say You know

Those are people who You know not all But I think it requires An immense amount of empathy And care And consideration for other people You know And so again

I don't think it's a black And white thing And I think again Like you could be a police officer Service industry is up there too Like in service to others You know To protect and serve

You know You can be there's just a lot of complicated people out there, right, who have dedicated their lives to the service of others in philanthropic endeavors. And they're just really bad partners. So I think it's, you know, I mean, the good thing is that you're saying check the box,

and I don't think you're too far off because it's just a box you're checking, but you're not really getting to know these people. And as I, you know, I've said in my book a bunch of, you know, I'm saying my book and I say it a lot of times, but like chemistry, you're describing things that are why you have chemistry with this guy. He's attractive.

Of course. You're going to have chemistry with people you find attractive. You're from the same hometown. You have similar stories in terms of what you're pursuing. So common interests creates chemistry. We go to the same church. We were both on The Bachelor together. There's a reason why people on reality TV are constantly dating

because very few people can relate to their experience. That speaks nothing to like how. they are in relationships, their compatibility, how they show up for their partners, how they're going to handle like emotional stresses once the honeymoon phase ends. It just is like that initial meet up and you're just like, oh my God, you too? Oh my God. I'm like, I'm not alone. You know, and that's chemistry, right? That's not compatibility. So everything you're describing is chemistry. And you're kind of selling it to yourself is compatibility, which is what, you know, we all do that. So, I mean, you're not alone. Yeah. Makes sense.

It's just something to be careful of. So what you know about this guy is that you are drawn to him. And you definitely feel that instant spark and connection. And there's definitely some chemistry. And you really enjoy his company. And if he was single, you would definitely want to pursue that. But that's all you really know about him. And I would be careful to make assumptions and leaps about his character

because they line up with similar things that you're doing. He may be the greatest guy of all time, and maybe this is a blip, and maybe there's some backstory. Maybe the relationship hasn't been great lately, and he's trying to fight it and make it work, and like maybe this is a moment of weakness for him, but other than that, he's a pretty high character guy who's never cheated on his girlfriend, but this is a moment where he will have to, you know, like, we've all been there. Never cheated, but like, when I look at my entire relationship history, I mean, there are certainly moments where I was like, I definitely shouldn't, you know, I towed a line there that I shouldn't have. toad. And that wasn't my, you know, that wasn't my best moment as a boyfriend, you know, or, you know, like, we have a whole, no one's perfect in relationships. We all, you know, we have moments of

weakness. So maybe this is a moment of weakness for him, but I would, I wouldn't be so quick to give him the benefit of the doubt. Yeah. Kind of probably need to, yeah, try lightly. And I haven't like intentionally like reciprocated. I've just maintained like being nice, especially after that, you know, him saying like, oh, I have this. serious girlfriend than I've been with for a year and a half. I was just kind of for me like I went from oh I think like this could leave to something like presenting wise like in my mind I was like completely like confused but I was like okay like I'm getting friends owned right now like this is like maybe him trying to set up the boundary but him mentioning him mentioning they had a girlfriend yeah like maybe

that was him just trying to be like okay see how this looks let me let me just set put this there so that we can proceed forward. But then, like, actions following are just kind of, like, I don't know, because even, like, when we have, like, breaks for lunch, like, he's invited me to go on walks with him and stuff like that. So let me ask you, have you ever seen Wolf of Wall Street? I don't think I have, which I know is, like, an American classic, and I haven't seen it.

No, I know. It's a solid movie. Anyways, there's a scene in Wolf of Wall Street where Leo, the lead, is, meets the Margot Robbie character. I'm familiar with this scene. Yeah. But we won't be friends. Yeah, we're not friends.

And you strike me as someone who is confident in themselves. And do you think if some, if you're, again, if your boyfriend, let's say you had a boyfriend, if your boyfriend was even intending, even if you thought, even if it was an innocent intention, was trying to become platonic friends with someone that you thought was your equal. how would you feel about that? Not great, I guess. I mean, because I'm definitely like comfortable. Like, I see your reasoning.

I'm not going to go into that because I see, I see where you're trying to land. And no, I would not. In short answer, no, I would not. Especially in a place where I don't live and I don't see you. And I don't know what you're doing. Not that you need to be monitored, but I don't know. Yeah.

He probably, like, he probably wouldn't share. like, hey, I'm going to invite this girl on a walk with me during lunch because I want to talk to her. You know what I mean? I'd be like, why? Why do you feel like you need to do that? Well, yeah, forget about a walk. But like, you know, and again, like, you never know. Like context, context really matters, you know, maybe.

The reality is we're not attracted to everybody. And there are people. Well, there are women specifically because I'm attracted to women that I could be alone with that would. wouldn't in any way like make my wife think twice you know just being okay cool it's a human being and there are other women who i could be alone with and they are their first question but what the fuck's going on here because like she knows what i'm into she knows what i'm attracted to unless you think you're the type of person that men are just kind of just like fine to be like asexual and just like yeah don't don't you know just immediately think of friends and like you know as human beings we do

that thing, you know, it's just like, I'm sure, you know, you tell yourself, oh, he's this, this, you know, but you know deep down how you think he looks. If you had a boyfriend, is he the type of guy that you would be going on walks with if your goal was to be like an upstanding girlfriend? Just simply based off of how he looks, do you think it would be appropriate? No. Okay. Yeah. So I guess going forward, I don't like, because I have to see this person. Sure. You know. And we're here for the remainder of the year.

Yeah. Well, I don't think you'd be mean to him. I mean, he's still your classmate. And I think you can be friends with him. But I think you can also have a little fun and you can give him some version of that Margot Robbie line where it's just like, yo, you know, you got a girlfriend, bro. And he plays a whole, like, we're just friends. You could be like, I, we're not like, yeah, listen, cool.

Like, I mean, we're friendly. I mean, obviously, we're not, we're not going to become close friends. We're not, people like us don't become friends when one or both of us are in relationships. Obviously, like, we should, I'm not saying, can't be around you. And you have to act kind of very like unbothered and very matter of fact and in control because he probably is feeling a little out of control. You know, again, let's assume he's just not some piece of shit fuck boy. who kind of lies and it knows what he's doing.

Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. That meeting you caught him a little off guard, you know, that he didn't expect to meet someone he, you know, quite honestly, has a little bit of a crush on, like you have on him. And he's trying to, you know,

be a good boyfriend, but he's, you know, towing that line in a way that deep down he knows he shouldn't. And he's kind of doing the thing where I'm not really, I'm not really doing anything wrong. and like what what's i mean i'm just like walking isn't cheating you know like he's saying like stuff like that to himself you know where it's just like he knows you know um he knows so you don't have to

you you have the power here you are in control you know you have the ability to be like listen like listen like i think you're great and you can just be like you know if if you didn't have a girlfriend we we might be having different conversations but you do and so i'm just going to help you be a better boyfriend by shutting this down and you can just i think you should be very direct very matter of fact. You can almost be slightly flirty when you do it, but you can kind of just shut it down. And for the sake of the potential

of a future relationship with this guy, just be like, you want to be a friend to me, show me what kind of boyfriend you are. And deal with your shit. That's definitely what I've been struggling with. Yeah. Deal with your shit. What in what capacity?

Do I do anything? What do I do with this? You know, like, and where do I fall in this? because the only thing I've been kind of telling around is not feeling great about it or feeling confused. But you're feeling confused because I think deep down, everything I'm saying to you, you know the answers too, right? Like you know, right?

But you're pretending, you're playing a little dumb with yourself and you're making excuses for him and you are trying to tell, even tell yourself, this is not that big of a deal. and this idea that you're convincing yourself that he's friends zoning you, is you trying to let you yourself and him off the hook. And like I said, like, just look in the mirror and look at him, you know, you know what he looks like. And this isn't the type of guy

who has a girlfriend and becomes platonic friends with women like you. He dates women like you. He doesn't become friends with him. And if he's single, sure, he can have a bunch of friends like you. But that would probably include some kind of like situation ship or hookup buddy or whatever, you know, I'm not saying you're, I don't know if, but you know what I'm saying.

And you know that. You know that about yourself. Yeah. And I think like I'm in a really good place in my life as far as like being single. And I, you know, I was in a relationship last year and it ended like in May. So I'm in like a good place with myself and like starting this like program and like better during my career and like all the things. and this is kind of like rocked my boat too.

It's just like, well, I feel really good. And now this is. That's another thing to be mindful of. Like, you came here for this program and you were investing in yourself. And you're, you know, you got out of your comfort zone as you described. I mean, you gave him that credit. But make sure you're giving yourself that credit too. And this is a big opportunity for you.

Don't waste it on playing games with yourself on some guy who's at this point only actually proven to you that he might be a bad boyfriend. When I was 21, 22, I got an internship at Miller Brewing, and that was a big deal for me, you know, huge opportunity. I had a girlfriend at the time. And this girl from, you know, I was like one of the only two kids from Wisconsin that they hired, everyone else they hired from around the country. And there was all these people who came in. And there was this girl from Texas, you know, and I was, I had a huge crush on her and I ended up break up with my girlfriend. But, you know, I, that was a situation where before I broke up with her, I definitely, I didn't handle my business the way I should looking back. You know, I, you know, I, a lot of the stuff you're describing what he's doing. It was like very similar, right? It really cannibal. It really ruined my experience. You know, but like it was a distraction. I put a lot of emotional energy into that. It was fun. It was dramatic. I was caught up in it. I was certainly young. But like, I didn't show up for this really incredible intern.

opportunity and focus my energy on that and and and and just enjoy having the girlfriend I did at the time. I mean, you know, I was young and it was a toxic relationship, whatever. But I'm just saying like it cost, you know, my performance in that internship because my emotional energy was going into this kind of drama of what do I do, you know, and things like that. So you have the answers, you know, and you can tell yourself, I've met a great. guy and he's really cute and definitely I would be interested if he was single, but he's not.

And the way I found out, honestly, he should have told me sooner. And I don't know why he didn't, but like, my boyfriend would know better. And he's not, you know, and so I think, again, you just need to show up and be very matter of fact. He could be a little playful. And you could just be like, yo, no, I'm not going on a walk with you. I don't, like, you got a girlfriend. And if he's like, well, it's just a walk, we're just friends. And I'm just be like, listen, guys like you and girls like me aren't friends. And you say that very confidently. And it will be like, he will find that attractive that you know your worth and that you know, like, what's up.

And like, he can play dumb, but like you, you know. And if he turned, and on the outside chance, and I doubt he will, he doesn't like that you called him out. So he gets a little mean and was like, okay, all right, get over yourself, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. then you know he's a dick. Because again, it doesn't, you know, you know, you know that there's no world in which you two are going to become best friends

and best friends only. Regardless of either of you have a boyfriend and girlfriend. You might explore a relationship and you will be friends, but like you already know you're physically interested in him. So there's no world in which you're going to be, you're going to allow yourself to be friends owned. You might pretend to go along with it for a while and then it's going to feel like a situation,

and then it will be like, oh, this guy, you know what I'm saying. But like, you know what it's like to be friends with men, right? I'm sure you've had men friends that you have, are no interest in. And you're just like, we're friends. You know, it's not confusing. You're not going into this friendship, wondering if, you know, it's your friends. And that's not him for you. So I would, if I'm you, I would protect this program and protect this opportunity and make

sure you're channeling your energy in the right way. and you don't have to try to figure this situation out because you have all the answers because he has a girlfriend. And he is not available to do what you want to do with him, which is to potentially date him. And you should just let him know that and be very confident about it.

And you can be playful at the same time. And if things change, he can re-engage you. But like, and don't make him feel foolish. That's where the playfulness comes in. You know, don't just be like, yeah, I'm not, we're not going to be friends. And if I'm your girlfriend, I wouldn't want you going on a walk with me. Okay.

Why do you hate my answer? Okay. I don't hate it at all. I don't hate it. I don't hate it. I just, yeah. Just, I wish she would just like poof, like, go away. What, what?

Him, her, the situation? No. Yeah, well, like, more so like him because it's just like, Because I'm perfectly fine with just being friends. But like the furtherman initiation of it is just kind of like. No, you're not. Stop saying that. Of course you can be friendly with this guy.

Of course. You know, you seem like a nice friendly person. But there's a difference between being friendly and as it relates to like you're in the same program, you're going to interact, you know, you might go out in group activities and, you know, you will be civil and friendly versus you, you guys. guys becoming friends as if like you're you know yeah and that's not you know i think too i like i struggle a little bit just i think um i think part of me is like afraid to like have this overt confidence like saying like we won't be friends like could i do it yes but also i think i'm kind of like

because like i said i'm going to be here in this place seeing this person for the duration of this year And the thought of saying that and then feeling like, like the delusion was all in my mind. What do you mean delusion? Like him like shutting me down with just like, I'm like, okay, well, maybe this was all just like thought up. And then I say that and he's just like, what are you talking about? I don't know. That would really. That would be, I mean, at least I would have an answer.

You're selling yourself way too short. You're selling yourself way too short. Yeah, but I just, I guess that that point. heart isn't in like my disposition normally. What do you mean? It kind of takes me a bit to like, like having that just like, like, no, like we won't be. I don't know.

Listen, that's because you have a big ego and that's okay, but you need to recognize it. You know what? You know. No, and I do know that because my pride is quite big. And that's why I haven't asked or said anything to him already. In that moment, like you have to replace your ego with. a little bit more self-confidence.

Again, it's real simple. It's not that complicated and trust your gut. You know that guys like him don't just become platonic friends with girls like you. And anything else is just bullshit we tell ourselves. And it's us trying to have our cake needed to. And again, if he's going to play dumb and kind of like call you out and almost like make you feel stupid, that is a sign that he's just not this like up front, honest guy,

you know, that would be a further example that this is a guy who might be kind of a bad boyfriend and when he gets cornered, kind of gaslights you a little bit, you know, because the correct response from him would just be like, you know, yeah, you're right. I'll see you, I'll see you at class. and kind of smile and maybe throw you a little,

I don't want to say, you know, I wish I could say something, but I'm not going to say a type of energy. That's the appropriate response from him. If he tries to make you feel stupid, you should clock that and you should hold him accountable in your mind. And anything else is you just playing his game

and selling yourself short. And again, someone who does have an ego, great, you have an ego. but make sure you know your worth. Don't have your ego trigger your insecurity and have it question your value because a guy made you feel like you read a situation wrong. You're not reading it wrong.

There's no world where this guy should be going on a walk with you, asking you out to grab drinks. Like, it shouldn't have taken him two months to bring up the fact that he had a girlfriend. They just shouldn't. Well, and that's to me, but also, like, because like I said, we spend a lot of time, like, as a group, like everyone in the program. Like, we talk about, like, our families or like, you know, like our jobs, like our experiences and stuff like that. And like I said, ample opportunity to bring it up and didn't do it one time.

Yeah. And maybe, and you could be the sole reason why. But the point is he didn't. And that matters. And again, you're not stupid. You know. And he can try to make you. feel stupid, but trust your gut. And if he's like, what are you talking about? Just be like,

okay. Listen. And again, that's not you saying you're obsessed with me and I know you're in love with me. You're just like, listen, I don't, I don't take walks with guys who have girlfriends. When was the last time you gone on a walk with a guy that you're like just straight up friends with? I don't think I've ever done that. There you go. So, if you're. If he tries to make you feel stupid, be like, yo, I don't, again, maybe we're just on, maybe we think the different things of friendships, but I don't take walks with friends, guy friends. Okay. And you'd just be very confident about it, and very matter of fact, and you could be a little playful.

Chances are, he definitely has a crush on you. You're not stupid, you know, like, you're, you're, you're reading it wrong. You're just, you're reading it right. You're just lying to yourself a little bit because you, it's, you're, you're caught up in this drama. You are enjoying the drama. It's a little fun. It's a little exciting. Exciting, yes, but... Draining, sure, too. Yeah. Like, enjoy it. Yeah. We all, listen, we...

We spend a lot of time on things that don't make us feel good, but it is exciting. Like, again, like, our brain prefers pain to boredom. In a new city where everything's new, this is definitely keeping you not from being bored or feeling lonely. and your body definitely prefers that. At least your brain does. But like the healthy long-term choice is to be okay with being slowing things down and not having that drama or that immediate stimulation. And it's okay to feel a little lonely at first.

You know, it's a growth process. You have all the answers, right? You have all the answers. You just got to trust your gut. You got to ask yourself the right questions. and when you find yourself making excuses for yourself or for him, then you have to check yourself. Like, well, I don't know if it's really this.

You know, because if you're doing stuff like that, you know that your gut knows the answer, right? And you're trying to, you're trying to debate with yourself. Well, you know, maybe it's not that. Maybe it's this. Maybe it's that. So. Okay.

At the other day, you got to ask yourself, what do I really want out of this experience? And maybe you can have both, but like, I wouldn't, you know, You just started this shit. The last thing, you don't want to start this off with some kind of toxic situation ship or some crush on someone that allows yourself to get to a place because he pretended to want to be your friend for a while. And then it just gets a little messy and hairy. And then you're spending way more time thinking about him than this program that you're in.

Right. That's definitely my priority. I mean, I like moved and quit my job and did all these things. to be here. The guy you want to be with has the emotional maturity to not be the reason why you're not focusing on the thing you should be focusing on. He is, he's being a little messy and you're going along with it. Okay.

So. And stop saying yourself, he's checked all my boxes. There's only one flaw with him. He has a girlfriend. That's not true. You have a crush on him? And there are a handful of red flags that he's already shown you. Yeah, definitely a handful, that's for sure.

So just make sure that's the narrative you're telling yourself and not the, he's Mr. Perfect with a girlfriend. Okay. And if you handle it the right way, you'll have a shot with him, you know, because he might, again, like, I don't know, maybe, maybe this, there's a good chance. This won't work out with his girlfriend. It's long distance, you know, it's like he's got other things going on.

but make sure he handles this shit in a way that you can respect and not start questioning after you get what you want because that's what you do it's just like you're now you're you know you're diluting yourself and you're making excuses because you want this thing which is kind of to presume and date them but if you go about it this way once you get what you want you will start second guessing it and be like well wait a second no to hell what i want like was that kind of fucked up are you are you kind of a piece of shit No, that's 100% how I think too, because I'm like, well, if something weird to happen off the back of it, like maybe like later on in the year or something, or maybe it doesn't, but in the event it does, I wouldn't want to start something like that.

Like in my moral compass, it just wouldn't sit right with me. And then I think there would be like a question in my head, which we've like brought up is, how would I feel if that were me? Yeah. And it would suck really bad. All right. Well, okay.

I hope this was helpful. You have the answers. It was. Trust your gut. Hold yourself accountable. And don't waste this opportunity on a guy who's shown you more red flags than green flags. Okay. I'll just do that then.

All right. Keep us posted. Okay. I will. I'll let you know if anything happens. All right. Take care. Okay.

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the best deal. That's C-A-R-G-U-R-U-S.com. Car-Gurus.com. How's it going? It's going good, Nick. My name's Leah. I'm 39 years old, and this is my partner Cole, and he's 35. Nice to meet you both. I'm wondering how to show up in my current relationship when my partner's history and past relationship keep showing up. Okay. How long have you guys been together? We've been together for about a year and a half now. Okay.

And it's a lot to do with his past relationship with his ex-wife. Okay. Can you tell me more? Yeah. So I, we met, yeah, about a year and a half ago. We both have children. So it was a bit of a blended mix from the beginning. But when I first met him, he was still living with his ex-wife at the time.

They had been divorced legally for a number of months, but we're still living together. And so I feel like in the beginning, it set the precedence that there was still some unfinished business, but the connection between us was really strong. And I think we both just kind of honed in on that. And I feel like for a long time, I ignored a lot of the so-called red flags or got feelings that there was some unfinished business on the other side. So she can be very manipulative and controlling when it comes to navigating co-parenting and that stuff. And so it's just interfered in our relationship with our plans and ability for me to trust that I'm the priority in our relationship and how to move forward with that in our lives.

First, I'm just curious, like, are you aligned with what Leah is saying? Yeah, totally. Okay. It's like everything she's saying, it's very accurate. Okay. Well, part of what she was saying was that, like, whatever your ex-wife was doing was causing Leah to have trust issues. And I'm, and I guess I'm just, I guess question for both of you, like, no doubt an ex can be a pain

in the ass. And certainly the fact that you guys co-parent limits your guy's ability to, you know, completely shut something down. But an ex can't make us not trust our current partners. They can be annoying. But as long as you trust each other, to enforce boundaries and set expectations. Trust is something that, you know, you guys control. It's not something people outside the relationship control. Sure. Yeah.

I think when I first rode in, it was we were at kind of a point in the relationship where there wasn't a lot of acknowledgement from him about the dynamic of the relationship. And it had been a year and a bit of me telling him constantly how uncomfortable I felt or that I wanted him to set some more boundaries with his partner. And then it started to show up as for me feeling like he was just being a bit more sneaky or withholding the conversations or stuff that was going out on the other side. Like a little cagey. A little, yeah.

And I was getting this gut feeling like what's going on over here. And I'd bring it to his attention and he's really good, like an amazing partner in that he will listen to my feelings. So I was constantly saying something doesn't make sense. Like you're telling me this, but your actions aren't matching up with your words. And I'm not feeling like the priority. And then I think when I wrote in, I had found out more information about how they were like, there was still these financial pieces and legal ties to their relationship that I wasn't privy to. So I just felt like all this stuff kept coming up throughout our relationship. And every time I'd be like, I'd pull away because that's usually my go-to is to just,

like pull away a little bit and then he would kind of come in and be like everything's like I'm going to work on this or figure it out and then I would trust again and like fall back into our routines and then something else would come up so when I wrote in it was kind of like I've hit a breaking point in the relationship where I was I told him I need space I'm done but at the same time like I want to be in this relationship I love him we our connection is so strong but yeah Cole, do you have an example of what Leah is talking about in relations to like things between your ex that she kind of discovered that you realized bothered her? Yeah. So like the moments where I would get either like a text or a phone call from my ex partner, not that it was anything to hide from Leah.

but I guess I didn't I saw it as I didn't want it to interfere between our relationship because it was always so minimal it was always something to do with our child over like such like mundane things that like now I can I can look back and understand that like I would look at my phone and see a text message or a miscall but I wouldn't address it right then and there I wouldn't really include her in that part of my life I can say I guess okay so that's why I can understand why she would feel so left out or out of the loop or like I'm trying to hide or kind to be like just hiding things from her mainly because my my ex partner they're a different person and I didn't want that part of my past life to show up in something so great and so healthy

and in this relationship with Leah I guess back then like a year and a bit ago I wouldn't I didn't really admit the reality of the type of relationship that I had with my ex. Which was? It was very abusive, like emotionally and mentally. So I learned, I mean, I've learned recently through a lot of counseling in the past couple months. Like, I would go right to my head and deal with, or I would try to deal with a lot of things without really, like, addressing how it was making either one of us feel, me or Leah.

and like I think like the fears and and like the trauma from the abuse it was enough for me to pretend like everything was all good on that side and I didn't want it to show up in the relationship with Leah. So I would I would talk it down a lot though. Like I would say oh my ex partner like it's all good like we're friends. We just have a lot to talk about because we share a daughter. But in reality like I was really avoiding talking about like the fear that I have. had to kind of like take control of my life now. Okay. And how did you guys go about dealing with that?

Well, it continued on for quite a while the past year. Like only, like I've just gone through a couple months of counseling and it's been like the best thing for me. And I can now I can fully talk about like the bad parts of the last relationship where like I did feel very trapped. And even when we we separated and divorced. It didn't give me the freeing feeling that I thought it would give. Like, I kind of have explained, I've always felt kind of hostage, and I don't have a say

with me and my ex to do with our daughter. And everything was very much like, were parents to our daughter, like, you have to be willing to, like, answer my calls and phone calls. And there was never any separation agreement or anything in place. So she, the ex was very much wanted to control everything. It was very, very detailed every parenting arrangement, every schedule, every holiday, and he would just go along with it

to appease her to avoid any conflict. I felt like I didn't have a way to honestly take a stand against my ex-partner in the simplest way to put it. There was just so much fear, and I was very scared to bring it to this relationship, and I didn't know how to talk about it. So in my head,

I would just try to handle things and acknowledge things behind the scenes with my ex-partner. And then when I was with Leah, like the whole world could have not been existing. And it was great when I was with Leah. Like our connection is so great, like we've said. And it was enough for me to forget, like, my past relationship.

And I was very, like, oblivious and blinded at that how much it was really interfering. But it continued like that for, like, a year and a half. An issue would come up. I would be able to listen to Leah very well and understand enough to go to my head, to try to like pick up pieces to make almost like like a band-aid fix all because I've realized I wasn't able to open up and just explain like how it felt like in my chest kind of about like the real pain and the fears I would say like I kind of let her on making it seem like the the co-parenting I have with my ex was more normal than it was like it's just for our child like there's nothing

to worry about and there was nothing to worry about I just didn't know how to set any boundaries on that side of my life I mean just I I'm just curious. Did you at this point know what normal was for co-parenting? No. Honestly, our relationship, it was, it was very, it's a very long relationship. And it was, it was kind of my one and only relationship. So like, I don't come from, I hadn't came from many experiences. Yeah. So to me, I had no control early on and I never had control. And then even when we divorced, it just continued that way. Like, I didn't know another way, honestly. Yeah, I mean, I, you know, I don't, I haven't been,

your position. But, you know, no one plans on on having a child with someone and getting divorced. It's certainly common. It happens all the time, but we don't plan for it. And when it does, like, you know, I don't know if we know what normal is, right? So I think it would be important for you to give yourself some grace. And Leah, it would, you know, probably be helpful. And I'm sure you have given him grace when it comes to, like, just acknowledging that. It's like, you know, just like, I think it makes sense that Cole didn't know better, you know, on a lot of, you know, on a lot things. That being said, you guys met up, you know, post separation, you both have kids. And again, like, you know, how this conversation started, it's just like, I feel like you guys, and maybe

you already starting to do this, have to sit down and figure out your expectations and boundaries. Knowing that, you both have to talk to your exes. You have, you share children together. You know, you have to co-parent. So you two just have to get on the same page and what you guys both think is fair and reasonable when it comes to co-parents. And I would, you know, I've never done this before. So, you know, I'm obviously no expert in this. But I would assume that you guys probably can, for the most part, have similar expectations of what's normal and what's not and what's a fair boundary. But knowing that, you know, I don't know how your ex is, Leah. Well, I think that, that place, how I feel about a lot of it is mine was.

also very abusive and manipulative. And so I come in it with this preconceived notion and that when that happens, you need strict boundaries and you need, you know, proper structure with parenting. And so I think from the beginning, I could sense that from what he would tell me about his ex and their relationship, it was very toxic and unhealthy. And they were still living together at the time. And it was kind of like I tried many times to, and maybe. I was a little bit more pushy than I should have been, but like very, you need to do this. Go to mediation. Go get a lawyer.

Like get a separation agreement. Do these things because it's helped me dramatically in mind. But I'm also nine years out of my co-parenting. So like we're in where it's easy, breezy now. Yeah. We don't have a lot of communication. We only communicate for the child. And so I would always be trying to help him see the light at the end of the tunnel, I guess you could say.

But that also impacted our relationship too because it was kind of like, I know from him, he was always like, well, my relationship's very different than yours. And I'm cognizant of that. But at the same time, it's, you know, I can identify the abuse and the manipulation. And yeah. Yeah. I mean, listen, it's a tough balance to try to not, you know, to how can I be helpful without comparing and how cold can you be open to the help that Leah is willing to help, but not. feel like she's kind of minimizing your experience knowing that like you know they might both be jerks and a little emotional you know abusive in some way but they are they were different and and lea you obviously are nine years removed for a minute and so nine years is a pretty long time and you have a different memory of it and you know and obviously this is very fresh for cole also just like i think something to reckon you know cole's the man in this situation and i think more people when we hear these types of stories about emotional abuse, I think we're just more willing to give grace to women who are in that situation than men are. And I mentioned that as well. Like to me, it felt

it was under or it was against like the normal. Like I hate to say normal of like an abusive relationship. But yeah, I did admit like it didn't seem like something I could complain or be scared about because I was the older partner and the male. And you to me, I mean, I'm, only had the one relationship. So it didn't seem like I was actually being like the abused one. Yeah, if you if you go on TikTok or online, I mean, it's like half of men are emotionally abusive and it's not even possible for women to be. You know, so it's like it's a hard narrative to, you know, I just imagine if you're a guy in that situation that you were in call, it's it again can be scary to be like, no one's going to believe me, you know? And then when it comes to being a father and wanting to, like, have access to your kids,

there's another, I think, fear that a lot of men have when they leave marriage as a relationship with kids is to, like, I need to be careful how I go forward because access to my kid might be weaponized against me. And I probably won't be given the benefit of the doubt. And so those experiences that obviously are just, I imagine, we're very different, you know, Leah, and then you went through it. I guess it just comes down to, like, having all these conversations, Leah, you have to ask yourself, how much of our issues are just like,

listen, I met a man who I really have this great chemistry with, and I met him at a time where he didn't have all his shit figured out. He's not several years removed from a messy divorce. He's in the thick of it, actually. That can be really, really difficult. And, yeah, and then kind of ask, is this annoying? and frustrating from your standpoint, Leah?

Or is it like a ragged flag where it's just like, I don't know, I think Cole's got shady. And like kind of like what's your gut tell you? I think in the beginning, I wanted to, I mean, I think I know who he is to his core as a person. And I always struggled with like, is he just fearful of her but can't acknowledge that? Or is he just making it very clear?

And to give some more context to my triggers around it, too, in my past relationship, literally ended because my last partner couldn't set boundaries with their ex. And it came down to they just said in the end, I'm not going to change the dynamic over here. So you either take it or leave it. And at that time, it was like, I knew I couldn't stay in that relationship if things didn't change. And so I left that relationship and never looked back. And I think looking into this relationship pulls very different in how, like, I know he's like a genuine person. And I truly believe that.

But it was hard to grapple with is this fear that he can't acknowledge or admit? Or is it that he truly wants to keep this amicable co-parenting relationship that he claims for the sake of his child, even though it's impacting whether we can go on a vacation. It's impacting whether I want to move in with him. It's impacting whether we want to start a family together. And so I think I really struggled with that. And that was when I wrote in. And now there's been a lot of revelations,

and he's been doing counseling, and he's pushed for the separation agreement. And so I think now we're able to talk about his relationship from a different perspective where he can acknowledge with me, whereas before he couldn't do that. And so I think for me, it was like, it was getting to the point where it was like, I need to leave this relationship. Like it doesn't feel safe for me. Yeah.

Well, that's, I mean, it seems like you went about it and like a healthy approach, right? I mean, it sounds like you left, that last relationship you referred to. They ultimately, again, were like this, you know, this dynamic, this other dynamic is more of a priority because I am not willing to make change. why it was a priority, you know, the kids, whatever. Yeah. And that was a clear statement to you, which is like this, this relationship between us is a secondary priority for me. And if you're okay with that and you're willing to make the adjustments, then I'll make

this work, but I'm not flexible on aspects of this other relationship, right? And so you made the obvious, no doubt, difficult choice to be like, that's, I don't, I didn't, I didn't get divorced only to, you know, have someone point out of the second priority. And then you meet Cole, co-parent X, whatever. And it sounds like you're trying to figure out, is this like, what are Cole's intentions? Because the other part, you know, the other partner, like, made it clear, like, their intentions. My intention is to not change anything about this dynamic. And it sounds like Cole's intention was like, my intention is to like try to survive this breakup and have a relationship with my kid. And I don't know how to do that yet. And I think that's a huge

difference between someone drawing a line in the sand confidently and being like, listen, I'm just going to be straight up with you. This is my life. And if you want to fit in my life, you can do it. Versus someone like Cole being like, I don't think I can go. I don't know. I don't think I can go on this trip. She's like kind of like, kind of like telling me I just like she's kind of making, like, is she threatening me? I'm not even sure. Like that type of energy, right? And so that makes sense. Yeah, and I think I've never wavered on his intention to make this relationship work too. I think that's the difference. Whereas in the last relationship, it got to the point where it was like, just like very clear in the sand. We did couples counseling for a while and it just wasn't working. And so I had no problem in that relationship walking away. And I never, we didn't have a kid together in that relationship, but I never spoke to them again. Like I had no problem just cutting it and acknowledging that that was the decision. Whereas. in this relationship. I'm feeling this like gravity to keep going back even though I feel like, and I think that's what I'm kind of grappling with now is like this fear to fully commit

back into this relationship and when to trust that. Like I want to have, we've talked about maybe having another kid together or like even moving in. We don't live together right now, but I'm struggling with how to trust my gut, I guess, in a relationship and not, yeah. Well, I mean, baby steps. I mean, you, you, you, said that you wrote in, I don't know, I don't know when you wrote in, but there's been some progress since you wrote in and some meaningful progress. And you guys just both have to accept that, you know, despite your connection that you have, you both bring baggage in this relationship. And that's, you know, that is the reality of your situation. And right now,

it seems like Cole brings on a little bit more baggage because, like, his divorce is fresher. There's a little bit more uncertainty about, like, how he's supposed to go about things. But, like, sounds like you've made a meaningful step, just like communicating to Cole. Like, these are, you know, listen, our relationships aren't identical, but there's some basic things you're not doing that you should be doing, you know, separation agreement, you know, like, especially as a man, a father, like, you need to understand your rights. You need to fight for your rights. You need to like, if you're, if you're with a person who's uncooperative, then you need to make sure that, like, you're, I think we both agree. And I think what's something that Leah struggled with and you struggled with Cole is so much seemed to be dictated by the unpredictability of your ex-Kull. You know, it's like, how is she going to be today? And then Leah, you had to be like, well, how is Cole going to react to his unpredictable X? As opposed to, and then she might always be unpredictable. But this separation agreement, again, I don't know all the things you have to do.

But again, just doing what you can do and controlling what you can control so that you can get a clearer picture of how you're going to go about co-parenting. And it might not look exactly like your situation, Leah, right? You know, as a mom, you probably have, I don't know what state you're in and the laws and things like that. But his situation, your situation might look different. We're up in Canada, so it's a bit different up there. But yeah. Yeah. So this is progress.

And I think right now it's, I think that's important is that you're seeing progress and you're seeing Cole's intention to try to figure this out. And then it seems like you also have empathy for him that it's a tough situation he's in, that he's got to try to figure out. But he is figuring it out. And he's not resistant to it,

which I think is a good sign. Definitely. And I am now. Like I do want to say, Leah, from day one has been like more supportive of than anyone could have asked for. I was just, it was too much like hoping, like,

I think we're all good. Like, I'm just hoping that my ex will just leave me alone. I was hoping that I could go two days without being reached up to. But Leah has always been there to help me. Like, she gave me so much advice on how and what to do. I just, I couldn't show up in that way in that moment.

Yeah, that makes sense. And again, like, I mean, you know, the her reaching out, you know, for whatever reason, you guys have to figure out what does that look like, right? You know, at first it sounded like she was reaching out and Cole, you're like, I don't know, do I tell her, do I not tell her? Is this something that's going to upset her? I don't know.

I'm not doing anything wrong. It's just like what you know. And so you just have to figure it out, you know. And Leah, if you're just like, listen, I just like, for my peace of mind right now, can you just let me know when she reaches out and why and we can figure it out together? That's exactly, you know. Yeah, that's exactly what we've come to lately recently. I do think to some level and I am no expert when it comes to this stuff.

But I would say power dynamics is one of the most important aspects of any relationship and making sure those power dynamics are overall equal. And depending on the age we are compared to our, you know, like I'm much older than Natalie's. So that's something we have to consider as a couple life experience, things like that. But like because when this situation, Leah, you have more experience and you're through it, you're potentially at risk of being a little condescending, being a little bossy, being a little bossy, being a little. a little like, this is how you have to do it. And that's just something you're, you know, you're going to want to watch out for because you're, that, I think that makes your relationship a little at risk of shifting that power dynamic in a way that's going to like potentially trigger Cole, given that he's coming out of a relationship where he was with someone who

really seemed to abuse the power that they had in that relationship. So I think it's, it's trying to find that balance between being helpful, but knowing to also allow Cole to work through this. And sometimes just ask, call, how can I help or how are you feeling rather than telling him what he should do every time a situation comes up? Yeah, that's good. And it's something you have to work out because like when we know things, it's like, I'm not trying to be condescending. I'm trying to help you out. I'm just like, you know, you're doing dumb things and it's frustrating. And, you know, it's like, you know, it's tough, right?

Because in those, like, in those nuanced situations, you know, you want to be the teacher and is, and, you know, it's like this is your. partner, not your student, not your child, not your, you know, it's your equal. So you always have to try to be an equal even when you're trying to help them out. I think I've definitely struggled with that for sure. Yeah. Yeah. It has came across as like it has been super helpful because I know there's been moments where I could, I could have just been like, I could just tell her like how this feels right now. But she's always been like, let me know how I can help you or like if you need to do like let just like reach out or talk to me. Yeah.

And there were so many times where I'm like, I could just tell her just like a quick little thing and it would open up like the floodgates maybe. But I just, I pretended like it was all good. So. Yeah, I think he struggled with because I would, I was always hyper aware that I was coming across as like, I know better than you. And so I was always like, if I'm doing something or saying something or pushing too far in the wrong direction, like, please let me know. But he would always be like, oh, no, it's fine.

like what you're doing is helpful it's fine but yeah i mean it could have been a little bit of both also there's a probably a little denial you're going through um call words like yeah like i've recently said that i didn't want to admit uh i didn't i haven't wanted to admit that part and i don't admit this to anybody else with lea she's the only one that has known about my past so obviously i haven't wanted to admit that to anybody and i just didn't want to admit that someone exists like this person does and the tool, I guess, that is taken on me. Yeah, yeah, I just, I didn't, I've always thought that, like, no partner would want to know about a crazy ex. So I didn't want to let her know about a crazy ex.

Yeah. Yeah, you know, that makes sense, right? And also, like, it's kind of like a dating rule. Don't talk shit about your exes because, you know, it's like. Totally. Yeah. Yeah, it's really just kind of striking that balance because, quite frankly, you don't want to spend a lot of energy talking shit about your ex. And it's just like your ex is your ex.

You just have to accept who she is and then ask yourself, how do I handle this? How do I deal with it? How do I avoid conflict? How do I avoid drama with this person? And it's just going to take some time to figure it out. But where you can be helpful, Leah, be helpful, especially when it comes to just the basic stuff you know anyone, man or woman, leaving a marriage with a kid, should be doing to protect their rights. And if you're not doing that, Cole, because you just didn't know or realize or your just emotional energy was this more like in survival mode, make sure you're taking her advice. Totally.

Because there's probably some definitely basic things you should be doing. Oh, yeah, for sure. And just, I don't know, just like check in with each other. It's just like, you know, I'll let Cole ask for help. Cole, when she gives you help that's helpful, make sure you're like, hey, that was helpful. Thank you. And I think it also can be okay for Cole to say, I don't need. your help right now or just give me a beat. And I think also just emotionally, Leah, I think you

probably have to give him some grace for allowing Cole's X to trigger him and have that not feel a certain way for you. Like he's somehow emotionally attached to her. He is attached to her. You guys have a kid together. And you, of all people, should know what it's like to have an X just be a pain in the fucking ass. And it bothers you. But it doesn't mean you miss them or that doesn't mean you like or thinking about them or emotionally connected, you're connected through the child that you have. And that's fucking frustrating. And you feel powerless and helpless.

And a lot of that anxiety and fear that you might see from Cole is probably just that. So try not to project or read into stuff like that. Yeah, that makes sense. Was this helpful at all? Totally. It was. Yeah.

Yeah, it was. It feels like we, like, again, when I wrote in, we read this crossroads. I was planning to just call in on my own too, and I wasn't sure where we would, where our relationship was going at that point. So even over these last couple months, I can acknowledge we've made a lot of progress in the right direction, but I know, like, we're both still doing individual counseling and then eventually we'll come back together and do some couples counseling. That's awesome. But we're just kind of in this limbo phase right now where it's, I'm still a little bit hesitant

to fully commit and move forward. And he's still just kind of working through all the logistic pieces with his ex. Well, that's okay. And moving forward can go at a slower pace. You've only been dead for a year and a half. And in much of that relationship, your chemistry and connection has kept it going, all while you guys recognize that you guys both and specifically Coles had some unresolved things that need to be worked through.

And only up until recently have you been able to like start doing that? Yeah, the timeline's a bit. I mean, being 39 and wanting to possibly have another baby too is kind of like. That is, yes, that is something. That's the timeline for me that, but I also, it does feel like something I want to invest in. Like our kids get along great and it just, again, every other aspect feels perfect and amazing. It was just this like one piece that, and not to minimize it because it did feel like a big piece, but it does feel like it's heading. the right direction. I have found in all the relations of I had and then the one I have today is the most meaningful thing about a relationship and an indicator of happiness and success is the feeling

like your partner is willing to show up and make the effort and work through problems. And it seems like, again, there's been bumps in the road and ups and downs, but I'm getting the energy that you're both willing to figure things out. It's not perfect yet. There's a long way to go. Problems still exist. Problems will always exist. But just like, it sounds like you both know.

And Leah, you gave examples of what it's like to feel like you're in a relationship with someone who has some non-negotiables about their willingness to show up and work on things with you, you know, in the relationship. You know, where like I feel like with Nellie and I, my wife, it's like our relationship and our connection is the top priority. outside of our daughter, but that plays a big role. And so when there is disconnect, we both feel it and we both have this desire to close that gap. And I've been in other relationships, but that isn't the case. You guys seem like you have that desire and it's not always going to be perfect and it's not

always going to be easy, but there seems to be a willingness for you both to show up. And I have found that matters most. Yes, that's very true. Yeah, I agree with that. And it does feel like that in this relationship out of like I know for Cole well this is only his second relationship ever and for me I've I've had more experience but I do feel like this is the first out of all my relationships where the desire to show up and keep showing up is strongest for sure given given the most complexity in this relationship too so and like on my part it is very new like I have, I would say that I've completely done like a 360. 180 or 180.

Yeah, otherwise you're just back to where you are. Yeah, that's not really bad. A 180. And not to see, like, I've talked a lot of talk and like how I or how Leah's mentioned, like the actions haven't really lined up. Now I'm trying to understand like I can keep talking, but I have like, it's a big difference for me that I know what actions will soon be showing up and in place and hopefully to reassure that it's just not more talk because I know that's what it was in the past. Yeah, I think that's

kind of like it's, it's, I need to see some like action like follow through with boundaries and stuff like that for it to feel. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm just curious call like in a perfect world, what is your relationship look like with your ex? Uh, so now it's completely different now. Like I was just about to say like I have like honestly got regained control or honestly not regained I've gained control I've taken back like what's what is mine um as of lately and it honestly it's just it's communication through email like a couple times a month maybe and that's honestly it like when I have our child it's private from her mom and then when she has our child it's private for me like it's just complete privacy and it's my relationship with Leah is the priority now and just equal parenting.

Like it just hasn't been equal, honestly. I mean, I'm just curious because I don't know what it's like to be in her guys' shoes, but like, yeah. I mean, it makes sense why that's a healthy boundary, especially in your situation, but do each parents have like kind of different sets of rules? There are like when she's at mom's house, can she watch different movies than when she's or eat different things? Or are you guys at least communicating? about like, hey, we hate each other, but like, we both want the same thing for our kids. So, like, what does that look like? Or is there compromises there? I would say it's much like, like, the first thought of yours. Like, I know it's not the same in each household. We do one week on

and one week off, the same with Leah, um, with her, her child and her ex. But I've learned that, like, I know I'm, I'm an amazing dad. And I know when I have my child, it's the best week ever for both of us. And then I know when she goes back to the other parent, it's kind of like I just, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I just like, I trust that the other parent is being a good parent. And I know that there's like, I know the TV time is probably different. I'm sure that food is probably different. And I'm sure like the attitude and the arguments are different. But like, like through counseling, I have learned that like, I really just have to focus on my, my parenting time as a father. And. And yeah. They communicate about extracurriculars and all that.

It's like all the things that come down to what's best for the child. But it's been too easy and way too convenient for us to communicate with each other where like I would never reach out to the other parents, but I was always the one being reached out to. And I felt a huge obligation to like reassure the other parent that like, oh, our child is fine. Or like, yes, I've talked to them about an attitude issue. But I don't think it needs to be like that. It shouldn't be like that in my opinion.

Yeah. I mean, but it all makes sense, right? I mean, of course. She might be a total nightmare, but I don't know, like if for some reason, like, Nail and I separated tomorrow, like, it would just be normal for us to, like, bounce ideas off each other. And she might not deserve your presence, but, like, for a long time, you were the person she would go to. And, like, you know, manipulative, sure, annoying, yes, but, like, also, you know, it makes sense.

And it's not to say that you shouldn't have been setting the boundaries, but, like, it's probably maybe a moment more of a note for you, Leah. It's just like some of these things that are obnoxious, it's just kind of like, you again, it's just, like you said, you met Cole at a time where he was fresh into this very early separation and he knew less than he knew. And it's obviously just been frustrating for you to me to met that time to spot your connection. And then again, like as you acknowledge, you've had two different experiences that are similar, one with your ex-husband and then you have this ex-husband. and then you have this ex-partner where you probably were triggered by like, oh, not, okay, and not this again. And so you probably have a shorter leash, you know, and things like that.

Yeah, coming into this relationship, it was, I will never put myself in a relationship where my partner has a complicated relationship with their ex. Like that for me was the irony of this whole situation was like I was eight months out of this one where that's all that showed up in our relationship. was their ex. And so I was like, when I met Cole, I was like, oh, you still live with your ex? Like, great, let's do this. Like, looking back, I'm like, I didn't follow any of my non-negotiables or like things that I had prepared myself for. But the connection felt so strong, like something just felt different that I was willing to give it a shot. Well, there you go. I mean, our non-negotiables are, you know,

we figure those out as our go. And maybe you didn't know what your non-negotiable needed to be. It wasn't maybe that there was some complications with an X because, like, I think if you have a child with an X, there's always some kind of complications. I think the difference is, again, it comes down to Cole's willingness to work through those complications and be open to, like, realizing there's a better situation for me than when I have right now. And the flexibility that Cole brought to this relationship, which probably played a role in the chemistry you feel, as opposed to your last relationship, there wasn't. any flexibility with the complications in that. And that maybe was the non-negotiable. So it seems like you guys are heading in the right direction. Thank you so much.

All right. Keep us posted on how things are going. We'd love an update. I'm sure there's a lot of people in relationships similar to your guys that, you know, this is obviously very messy waters and hard to navigate. Yeah. Different. Yeah, it's different.

All right. Well, good luck to both you. I appreciate the call. Thank you. All right. And congratulations to you and Natalie too. I appreciate it. Thanks so much. Yeah.

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How's it going? Hi. I'm Lucy and I'm 33. How can I help, Lucy? I need help figuring out my situation shift and where I stand. Tell me about it. Okay. So this is on and off for your. How many years? Years. It's kind of been back and forth. He hasn't lived in the same place as me since 2019. We go back and forth.

We have trips every so often. This past one, he came to visit me. I was on a trip for work. It went great. And then I went to go visit him a month after that. Same thing. Great trip. I kind of had a little bit of a breakdown because I was like, what is happening here?

In the years of you guys having a situation ship, have you ever been exclusive one? Nope. And how many times have you tried to make it a relationship? Maybe twice. It's kind of been like I've kind of understood he's we like are off on life journeys sort of. Oh so he was just like he went to the military for a minute and then got discharged and we live on the same coast but not the same place. So regardless of life paths yeah if you had the choice at any point would you make him your boyfriend? Oh yeah. Okay so 100% that's that's all that matters

Yeah. As it relates to you. Yeah. Now, he may feel differently, and it's certainly important to listen, but you are, when you tell the story to me, you are telling his version, not yours. I see that. Which tells me you accept his version, and he's like dictating the rules and you're and you're kind of going about it that way. Yeah. Yeah.

So, okay. Anyway, go ahead. So after this last trip, which was in November, I kind of just cut off contact. And I was like, let's see what happens. So we didn't talk for like a good month. And then he tried some like Instagram liking and all that jazz. But I didn't take the bait basically. Okay.

So then we didn't talk for like three months. And a few months or like maybe a month ago, I was had a couple cocktails. And I was like, miss you kind of thing. And then we ended up talking, but it was like nothing ever happened. And then he said that he was hurt that I didn't reach out. And now I just like don't know. He was like my best friend kind of thing. He's not your best friend.

I, yeah. Yeah. I had the feeling you were going to say that. Obviously, someone you really care about. I'm sure you've exchanged a lot of emotional moments. He's also been there for you, I'm sure, at times. But it's always been at his convenience, and it's not something you've been consistently been able to rely on.

And I don't know about you, but I don't like that that's how I would describe a best friend. No. You have a desire for him to be your best friend. You've seen the potential. Yeah. and him being your best friend but he's not been or isn't your best friend yeah so do I just kind of leave it at this point

leave it how it is or what's the best what do you want you're still hopeful right correct sort of I feel like now I'm a little bit like fuck this yeah but it's been so long but if you showed up tomorrow and said I'm an idiot I'm in love with you yeah probably okay so that's fine you just you just have to own it like you're big one of your problems

is that you're just, you're not really kind of going with it. You're kind of lying to yourself, making excuses for how your feelings, playing the game with yourself. Like, I decided to cut off contact to see what happens. Like, after six years of this, you need to know, you think some difference is going to happen? No, you're right. He's going to.

I thought it was going to be the saving grace or something. Yeah. So maybe there's only really one thing to do, which is you have to see it through. Yeah. And that is, at this state, stage, he either wants to be with you or he doesn't. Yeah.

And anything in between is just a no. Yeah. And then you have to do the little things, like not for game playing. When was the last time you spoke with him? Like a couple weeks ago. A couple weeks ago. Okay. So not that long ago.

Not that long ago. So it wouldn't be crazy for you to reach out to them. Yeah. And say, listen, this is something I got to say. Yeah. I want to be with you. I've always wanted to be with you. You've known that.

despite whatever whatever yeah i've wanted to figure out how we can make this work i'm assuming your feelings haven't changed but i no longer want whatever this is the back and forth you don't get to have expectations of how i communicate with you in the context of this relationship nor do i have expectations of how you're supposed to communicate with me it's confusing it's like we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. When do we show up for each other? When do we not show up for each other? It's all just a mess.

So one, like, do you want to date me? I'm assuming the answer's no, but I just wanted to check in. I wanted to shoot my shot one more time on the outside chance. Your feelings have changed. But assuming they haven't, like I just please respect

that I just need to move on. Yeah. And in the spirit of moving on, I'm going to block you. Not because you did anything wrong, but I just want to move on and I don't want to deal with moments of weakness of reaching out and saying I miss you

if I've been drinking with the girls or quite frankly if you reach out to me I just I want I need I don't don't please don't call me yeah and short of you being ready to like make this work don't call that's the only thing that's left to do for you and then you really need to see that through he will be very resistant to respecting this boundary of yours

yeah I mean he's tried to like test the waters a few times and my therapist is like, he's just trying to see like what's going on. And I'm like, okay, but that's so annoying. No, he has to. The blocking comes into play. And he has to do more than just be like, yeah, okay, let's try. What does try mean? Are you going to be my boyfriend?

Try? Like, okay. And honestly, why should I trust that I want to do more than try? I want to like, I mean, obviously try, but like, are you really serious about this? Because you don't get to just do this to keep me around a little bit longer. I mean, yeah, I feel like it's always just like in the back of my mind. I'm like, okay. And that's the thing is it's like, what is he willing to do?

Probably not a lot. So I think more than anything, you just need to actually move on. Yeah, I just feel like it's very, I mean, the dating situation, I mean, I'm sure you hear this all the time, but the dating situation is just so bad. Yeah. But you're not helping yourself. I know. You're right.

This doesn't help. Yeah, no, it's true. And he's already, he's showing you who he is, which is, you know, just like not your guy or at least not willing to be your guy. So. Yeah. All right. Well, then I guess I'll send that text.

I would call him. And block him. Call him. Okay. That's not something you want to text. Yeah, that's true. So you need to show up. You need to present a little kind of confidence and just be like,

yeah, this is. Yeah. This isn't it anymore. And just please respect that. And I don't want to do this anymore. And, you know, I'm not mad. I just want to move forward. Yeah.

That's about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, again, like you said years, you know, it's been going on for years. Yeah, I know. It's definitely been on and off too. So it's like whiplash, honestly. Well, from his standpoint, he is, you've been really nice to have around when it's been convenient for him. And he's, he's been able to manage and lower your expectations and get you to not have what you want, which is a relationship.

He's preoccupied your time with the confusion of not knowing where you stand with him. Yeah. And that's emotional energy you've wasted on him rather than, again, like as you said, the dating world is, it's messy out there. It's tough. But you've, you've been juggling your emotional energy with him, which makes it harder. Yeah, sure does. Hard to meet someone new when you have one foot out the door. So I was trying to do when I stopped talking to him, I was like, but it's still there because it hasn't been said, I guess. So. And again, part of the reason why I'm telling you to shoot your shot is so that you can get rejected one. more time. Yeah, for sure. And really put it in there that like, this guy doesn't want to be with

you. Like, feel it. And the let go of the hope that things are going to someday change or come around. That's definitely like in those three months that we didn't talk. I kind of like, I feel like I grieved every part of it. And then we talked again. I was like, damn it. You know. Listen, he cares about you. He likes you. He wants you in his life and you've been generally available to him. And I guess he's just comfortable with the months that, you know, he doesn't have you around. God knows he's doing other things. Oh, of course. Yeah. I mean, as am I, but yeah. Sure. Yeah. Well, let me know if anything changes. Yeah, for sure. I will. Thank you. But yeah, I think you need to have kind of like a breakup conversation with him and really, and then you need to follow through because this could go on for

more years and that he is not going to, he's not going to let you go easily. You should not be romanced by that statement. It should annoy you. Yeah. It does annoy me. He's a, he's kind of a key. you emotionally hostage, but you are allowing it to happen. And so if you really want to be done with this and if you want to stop wasting this emotionally energy on this guy, you're going to have to see it through. And so, yeah, block them, you know, because that's, otherwise, you'll just get triggered and you'll have, we all have moments of weaknesses. And so, like, help yourself from not giving in.

Yeah, no, you're right. All right. I'll do it. Okay, take care. Thank you. All right, bye-bye. face.