The Viall Files - E1111 Ask Nick - He Texts His Ex Daily

Episode Date: April 20, 2026

 Caller One is dealing with her partner's baby mama and wondering: is grey rocking enough, or is it time to switch strategies? Caller Two is on the brink, questioning whether to call off her engagement or if she's just overreacting. And our last caller might be letting her hustle run the show… When work takes over, what happens to love? "I think he's not your guy, honestly." Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday. Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick's Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with "Texting Office Hours" in the subject line!  To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Chewy - Chewy has everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. And right now you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to https://Chewpanions.chewy.com/viallfiles   Helix Sleep - Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall for 20% off sitewide for their Spring Savings Event. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you! Vivrelle - Go to https://vivrelle.com and apply for a membership today using referral code VIALL for your first month of membership FREE. The code will also allow you to skip the Vivrelle waitlist.  Kindred Bravely - Right now, Kindred Bravely is offering our listeners 20% off your first order when you go to https://KindredBravely.com/viall Make sure you use our link so they know we sent you! BILT - Join the membership for where you live at https://joinbilt.com/viall. Make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you. Upwork - Visit https://Upwork.com right now and post your job for free.  Instacart - Instacart brings convenience, quality, and ease right to your door, so you can focus on what matters most. Download the Instacart app now and get groceries just how you like. Timestamps: 02:35 - Intro 02:48 - Caller One 34:15 - Caller Two 58:35 - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @izeweaver

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Plus, if you love Ask Nick, you will absolutely love our Ask Nick updates where you get updates of your favorite calls, our deep dive on all your favorite reality recap TV shows, and our pop culture roundups where we talk about all your favorite pop culture topics that we didn't get to in this week's episode, plus deep dives on our going deeper guest and so much. more. All I have to do is go to Val Fow's Plus, and you will be lucky you did. How's it going? It's going. My name is Rachel. I am 37, and my question for you, Nick, is how long does he have to Grey Rock his baby mama before she gives up? What is Grey Rock? So I actually just found this term myself. I was not familiar, but apparently it means when somebody's

contacting you and you have no interest in contacting them back or, you know, playing that game, you give them one word answers or very short answers until they get the point. Who's gray rocking who in this scenario? My boyfriend is gray rocking his baby mama. And you want that to stop, period? I think that their consistent communication is unnecessary. and we've been together for over two years now. So I've been told several, several times.

It's just about the kid. It's just about the kid. And it's not. So you take on this. You do acknowledge that he has to co-parent with this person if he chooses to want to be in this child's life, correct? Yeah. Oh, yes.

I'm full on co-parenting. What in your mind is actually happening that you think, think is unnecessary outside of the expectations of co-parenting. So in my mind, I believe that conversations like, hey, oh my God, I just slept horribly, or I had such a great workout and this is what I did today. That, for me, seems unnecessary. That's fair. And so he's responding to this stuff? In so much as like, yeah, good, nice. So that's what I would call gray rocking. And he says, and his justification to you is what?

Keeping the peace. Like, we've known each other for so long, and maybe she just doesn't have a friend like this that she can talk to. Were they married? No. How long were they together for? I think, like, close to 15 years. Oh, okay. And how old's, and how many kids do they have together?

One. One. How old is the child? 14. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So definitely less of a kids getting older, you know, or independent.

Mm-hmm. How long have you been together with your boyfriend? Just over two years now. Okay. And I'm assuming this has always been an issue? It has. It's always been an issue. When I met the mother, it was just kind of,

of like there was no interest at all meeting me. There was, it was a very protective meetup, meaning like when we, all three were together, she was very much like next to him and, you know, kind of like guarded in the whole situation.

So it's always been like that. So I've tried my hardest to be like, hey, do you want to grab a coffee sometime? Hey, do you want to do this, do that? And it's like,

no. She has no interest. And then how many times are you guys hanging out together? Not often. Mostly for like sporting events for the kid. And when that does happen, do you feel like he's still in any way considering her like feelings? Considering her feelings, yes. And I don't have a problem with that.

I think that's very genuine. That's nice. Yeah, I guess what I mean by like, you know, you said soccer game, right? You go to a soccer game. Does he treat her any differently than he does say any of the other, like, parents? Yes. Because I would think at this stage, yes, it would be weird. Like, you should feel like his partner.

You should feel like his priority. It sounds to me like, you know, at this stage of the game, you really feel like this is his ex in a way that there's still a there, almost, as opposed to this is, we have a kid together and we're both showing up and it's we communicate because we have a kid together but you find that there's a there's an intimacy there almost in a way yeah it's like it's like on her end like this is my best friend and i'll say whatever i want whenever i want like 7 a.m. text rolling in doesn't give a shit, sorry. You can swear.

Okay. It's just like, for me, it's inconsiderate and honestly goes against girl code if there were any, you know. Well, she's not going to subscribe to Girl Code when it comes to you. And quite frankly, like, she's not going to be the one who solves this issue for her. Like, you know, that would be great. Exactly, yeah. Yeah. It would be great if she took you up on the office.

and it would be great if she wanted to respect your boundaries. But, you know, she's not going to. She doesn't, she's not incentivized. And yeah, I mean, from her perspective, like, doesn't mean she's right, but like, you know, this is a guy she's known forever. I don't, you know, I don't know why they're not together or who knows. And I'm sure she has some feelings about that, but they do have this child together. And in a way that you're a threat to that.

And like, there's probably a competitive element of, like, you know, she probably likes knowing that she can still get him to do things. Mm-hmm. So anyways, I totally get keep the piece from your partner, I understand. And that's probably, like, I'm just, okay, like, before we move forward, do you at least at a minimum trust his answer, whether you agree with how he's going about it? His answer. Of keeping, as, like, this is platonic.

Of keeping the peace, just being like, you know, I guess what I'm saying is, like, there's two scenarios, right? like scenario one um there's a reason behind why he's doing it that's a little bit more concerning than you know keeping the peace in that he wants to maintain this level of closeness with his ex for whatever reason or scenario two and like i'm hoping and guessing probably is that like he probably just wants to keep the peace and he's a little bit of a wuss for or having the uncomfortable conversation with his ex or just like being comfortable with disappointing her,

which is to just like not respond to like, that was a really tough workout. Or I didn't sleep well last night. He can literally not respond. And he can even not respond to her being like, why didn't you respond? And, you know, next time he sees her, she can be like, why haven't you responded to me?

And he could just be like, I yeah sorry I was as busy but like was I didn't I didn't think it was really all that necessary and he can be a little bit more short with her and he can be you know and if she ever like confronts him about a conversation just be like listen I you know I'm in a relationship and I don't like that is a relationship I want to prioritize but to your point it it feels to you right I remember wrong but he's there's a part of your relationship with with him that he's not he's he's not prioritizing he it sounds like there are moments where you feel like he still picks her. It's, yeah, and I understand that she is at this point in our lives, like, fully ingrained in his family

because they've known each other. It's basically like a daughter, a daughter-in-law, whatever you want to call it. But I have no disrespect for this person. I have no harsh feelings. I just find it, like, absolutely infuriating that this needs. to be a thing. Like, just find another friend. Are you speaking to her or him? Her. But again, you're, you're, I don't know what conversations you're having with your partner, but the way you speak, you speak like it's a her problem that you're expecting her to change

court. That's not going to happen. Just not going to happen. Correct. So like all this, this, why, why does she keep doing what she's doing is a waste of your time and it's a waste of your energy and it's just not productive. So don't know how much you're doing that with your partner, but the conversations need to start and end with him. So they do. Okay. And so far, what we have come up with is basically what you're saying, like, it doesn't mean anything. She just does it. And I send like a small response. And I am on, you know, your side here. It's like, well, just don't respond or just don't even play into it. I don't, I know I keep going back to it, but it's like a picture will come through.

And the picture will be like sometimes reminiscing like, oh, do you remember so-and-so from back in the day they did this and we went there and da-da-da-da-da. I get it. Like I understand that that elicits a response most times. And it's like, yeah, I remember. Yeah, out of politeness. I get it. You're right.

And like at some point, your point is, correct me of them wrong. you want to feel like he's picking you. You want to feel like he's saying no to her because he's saying yes to you, right? Yeah, there's just too much brain space. You can't have it both ways, and she is an ex. She's not like a lifelong friend,

and even sometimes platonic relationships between men and women need to change when one of those people enters into a committed romantic relationship, you know, even if they weren't exes, like there sometimes are just like boundaries you don't cross. Like even platonic friends and men and women relationships, you can be the most straightforward platonic friends.

You can have no desire to see them naked or sleep with them. And there can still be a level of intimacy with that person that might not otherwise be there if it was the same gender. Or maybe you can have, you know, men can love men in, in, like, friendship ways, and there can be a level of intimacy, but assuming they're not gay or buy or even curious, you, you, there is like a built-in boundary of like, well, I don't ever have to worry about that, you know. But it is what it is when it comes to, like, someone with a different gender. And then on top of it, for you, this person is their ex. You know, they, they have a get together.

So it does make, you know, like that's where I'm hearing from you. And it seems like you haven't really, it seems like you've been pretty passive almost. And this is the way you've been talking to me about how you've spoken to him. Because it sounds like you're trying to negotiate with him about this topic. Yeah, it's very touchy, right? Like, I don't feel like I have, I would never have enough poll to be. 43. Okay, you, you never would have enough pull to what?

To be like, hey, stop talking to her because they have a child together. I can't do that, obviously. Yeah, I get the position you're in, but you, I think that's the thing where you have, you have to be confident in your position. And what, and I feel like what your position is, and I agree with your position, which is, I'm not asking you not to talk in co-parent with the mother of your child. I'm not asking that. but you don't need to

reminisce or respond to her, like, random texts that have literally nothing to do with your kid. And guy to guy or women, like, we don't, you don't have, he doesn't have to, you know, to be a woman to understand

that, like, as human beings, we'd like to test people and, like, we want to see what we can get away with and we want to see if we still have any type of power or control in a situation, where we definitely know we used to have power and control, and he needs to understand that. And you, I feel like, are in a position if you found the words and the confidence to set a clear

boundary and not negotiate with him. And I think where you're losing this battle is because you want to be so respectful to the co-parent part, right? And you feel like you have to, like, thread a needle when it comes to what he can and can't expect. Or he's either playing dumb and being a little gas-liddy by like playing dumb and acting like there's nothing he can do or he doesn't get it or understand what the issue is. He should be able to understand if he were to just take a moment and put himself in your shoes and if this was another guy doing this,

it would bother him. It would rub him the wrong way. and it would be very clear to him what would be okay and what would not be okay. You know, and it's just like you want to feel like he has no issue or discomfort

and saying no to her about things that have nothing to do with their child. And right now, he doesn't have that comfort. And there are moments where you feel like he's picking her because, like, there's this choice, right? he gets a text he's like oh fuck i know it's gonna upset you know it's like uh it's gonna upset my partner

if i do respond but it's gonna make my life more difficult and accept my ex if i don't respond and in those moments he picks her yeah and it's annoying and it's and he doesn't have to pick her he can choose to upset her but he right now now feels like, and I'm making an assumption here, but I feel like I'm confident in this assumption that his subconscious brain just has decided it's easier to upset you, then it's up to upset her. But that is a, that's kind of a you problem. I mean, that's what I'm saying is you have to change that. You have, as a, I think you've been too accommodating. I think you've been too understanding. I think you're trying to negotiate with him about like what, what is, you're like,

I get you have a child together. So how can we make this work? A few minutes ago, you said, well, what we came up with is if you guys are like coming up with a plan together that it's like it's so complicated and so like, oh my God, we got to sit down and really,

really break this down for the next eight hours. How do we make, it's not that hard. It's not that complicated. You don't need to like ask him. You don't need his permission. The fact that he has a child with this person has nothing to do with him responding at 7,

30 a.m. to like how she, her sleep patterns. You know what I'm saying? It's nothing to do with their 14, the 14 child. So you don't have to negotiate with him and you don't have to be like, hey, is this fair? You can be like, this is annoying. And I'm tired of pretending that this has anything to do with co-parenting. And this has everything to do with like, you still give a shit about her feelings. Which goes above and beyond just you being a considerate human. human. Because if, you know, if some random fucking person text him at 7.30 in the morning, especially if I was a woman, he might not respond. Right. And I totally understand everything you just said. My issue is, and this is where you're going to tell me I'm being passive, is that

it's like such a fine line between like, you know, like stop caring and carol. little bit, right? It's like, how to, how can justify for him? I've told him before what you just said. I was like, this is, it's inappropriate, it's annoying, it's infuriating, and it just needs to stop because it has no, like, hold over your parenting skills. And he's like, yeah, but I'm, you know, I've done better. I muted the chats. I don't answer right away, or if I answer, it's just like, I reply with one word. And it's, you know, I've done. I've done. I've done. I'm, you know, I've done. I've done. I've It's like, that's why I keep going back to, it's her fault, but I can't do anything about that. It's not her fault.

I know, I know. It's, it's, he needs to own it a little bit more. And you need to be more hard. It's just like, this is not something you really have to try. And I think you need to challenge him to the point where like you're, you're, you're making this out to be more difficult that it needs to be. And you need to call him out for what he is saying. You know, like, do you realize that the way you're acting, you're, you're, like,

what I mean again maybe he does do you need therapy to to get over your discomfort with upsetting your ex like you you care too much about what she thinks it's it's weird that you care so much about her feelings and again I'm glad that you're a loving considered empathetic person that's why you're my partner blah blah blah blah blah blah but like you you don't if you if I just start randomly texting some guy I'm like oh he was my best friend in high school like like because again the kid has nothing to do with this with how you communicate her this your your child has nothing to do with how you communicate with her and so the fact that you can admit that it's hard or like you're trying what trying like why do you have to try to like be

comfortable with annoying her you know it should i've asked that before i thought maybe like there was something that happened that broke them up like me i was like oh maybe he like really devastated her life at some point. That's why he feels so guilty for the rest of time. He's just going to do whatever she wants. I honestly don't think it's that deep. I honestly think that, like, as human beings, we just, again, we, like, we'd rather have peace than, than not peace, right?

We would, you know. And it probably doesn't mean anything to him. And he's probably, it doesn't feel to him like it feels to you. It doesn't change the fact that he's old enough to just acknowledge that. the optics in how you feel are more than justified. And just because he is more than comfortable with it doesn't make it like not weird. And it doesn't make it like less comfortable for you to deal with. And as a result of someone who claims to want to be in a committed romantic relationship with you, he has to act accordingly and do what's best for the relationship he claims to want to be in.

And he is not showing up for this relationship in a way. And he is just, he is prioritizing keeping the peace in his life rather than keeping the peace in his relationship. You know? And that is something you have the right to calm out on. At some point, you're just going to have to, like, draw a line in the sand and be like, the fact that you are making, that you're drawing this out is a problem to me. And like, I just like, I need to know that I'm outside of your child, a top priority. But right now, sometimes I feel like she.

still a priority. Like, because you know it's going to upset me and you do it anyways. Because you would rather upset me than not upset her. And honestly, when you put it like that, it's fucked up. And like, how long do you, I'm not going to keep just putting up with this, you know? But the point is, he doesn't see you going anywhere. And it's, again, it's easier for him to upset you. because you are clearly more gracious when you're upset than she is. And at the end of the day, that's probably why he does it. I could see that, yeah, probably. And so also, I've been through this same exact argument conversation,

whatever you'd like to call it, half the time it's arguments, half the time it's as calm as I can be. I don't know how to keep bringing it up without it sounding like I'm beating a dead horse every time because every time it just seems to result in like, okay, yeah, it's not that deep, okay. No, it is. Like, that's dismissive and kind of disrespectful to you

for him to say it's not that deep. It's not about it being that deep. It's just like, fine, I'll just start texting with another guy. And then I'll tell you that's not that deep. Like, again, like, you don't, he doesn't get to tell you not to care and he doesn't get to tell you to not feel weird about his ex casually, like having a casual open line of communication with you and texting you about anything at any time when it has literally nothing to do with the child.

And he doesn't get to normalize that if he wants to be in a committed relationship with you. And you just have to stick to your guns a little bit better and confidently tell him, like, again, to not be dismissive to your feelings because he is. And again, he is prioritizing his piece over the piece of the relationship. It just, it's that simple. And I think you just have to not, like, again, you seem like a lovely person. I can tell like, you know, it's like you, clearly you've been willing to like have this confrontation. It doesn't seem like it's easy for you. and you don't always feel confident with your ability to feel the way you do and set a clear

boundary and expectation. And I just want you to feel when you get off this call to like, you are more than justified. You're not wrong. And bring, yeah, it's not resolved. So therefore, you have the right to bring it up again. And he's dismissing your feelings. He is by pretending it's some sort of complicated thing that, you know, he needs to work towards. it doesn't like it shouldn't be that hard to go cold turkey it will it might irritate her it might upset her but that's not his problem and if she wants to confront him on it he can just be like honestly he could play dumb and he can be like let me know when i can pick up my kid so and he can sit down and also he could be like he can go to his ex-partner and be like listen you know i she's my partner i'm

she she's my priority honestly if you want to continue this, then you need to get to know her. And he needs to, like, advocate for you. And he needs to stand up for you. And I get, I'm guessing he hasn't done that. I'm guessing he kind of plays, I'm guessing he plays like, oh, I'm, I'm the outsider. What am I supposed to do? I'm just like, I'm just like the heart throbbing. I'm in this weird, I didn't, you know, what, what am I supposed to do that all these women want to have me in their orbit? You know, it's just like, I'm just trying to make everyone happy. You know, like, it's fucked up. Yeah. Like, it's not, he needs. He you need to, you have the right to expect more from him in the situation and you have to tell him

like you're done being patient and you have, he has to take you seriously and you have to confidently like be like, yo, I'm just tired of pretending that this is normal and I'm tired of acting like you need to try to not upset her and that's what it comes down to. And I feel like I've said exactly that before, but I, I'm guessing you haven't. I'm guessing you've done it in a way that's just a little bit more passive, and then you kind of ask for, you check in, be like, I just, are you, is that, you know, like, you're just really empathetic and I think you're really considerate. And I think that has probably stopped you from being very direct. Because again, there's a, there is a reason. And I don't think it's because he's in love with her.

And I don't, I don't think it's that deep. But like she, you want to blame her. But what she is doing differently than you is she is definitely making it more difficult for him to it hard to disappoint her and you are not making it as difficult so you need to make it more difficult you know and so if you want to blame anyone blame yourself um you know what I'm saying like it's it's honestly that simple like you're it's easier for him to just it's easier for him to handle you than handle her in a way and it's you should change that it's true I think that what you're saying brings back the point that it's like if this person has to if if my partner has to consider her feeling so much that like he's afraid to upset her yeah it does make me feel a little

less confident having to go to him and be like this is the deal because obviously he keeps referring to her feelings so well i mean listen you i see what you're saying it's a tough position but you have to ask yourself, if this never changed, am I comfortable being in this relationship and constantly feeling like this? Do you want to feel like you're in second position to someone's ex for the entirety of your relationship?

Or are you willing to put your foot down and take the risk that he won't ever change and threaten to leave and possibly create some distance and just let him know that you're tired of being patient on this particular topic? And if he wants to be with you, he has to start making you feel like a priority. And you're not asking him not to co-parent.

And you're not asking him not to be respectful with his ex. You're just asking him to stop the inappropriate communication, which like it's just a fact that it is. And it's not that hard. It's not that complicated. And he needs to man up a little bit. And I think you need to like check him on that and call him out on that. Yeah, for sure. I do.

You are completely right. All right. This is helpful. This is helpful. I've asked so many different types of people. I've had therapy about this. I've talked to my sister who is married with children. I've talked to my best friend who is married without children.

And basically everyone agrees. Like the type of communication is inconsiderate and unnecessary. And I have every right to just say exactly that. So, I mean, I guess the big question is, I mean, it doesn't sound like I've said anything you haven't heard maybe in a different version, but what is stopping you from taking the advice from your friends, your peers, strangers, your therapist, and putting your foot down and stop and just stop accepting it? You are accepting it. Yeah. You're, you know, the reason why you talk to all these people because you want you want that validation that you're not crazy and you're

not but you keep allowing it to happen yep it's like a little a little security backup like i want to make sure i'm right stop allowing it to happen you i mean it's not going to change unless you do something about it she's clearly not going to change he it seems unlikely he's going to change and as long as he can have a cake you need it to because as humans we all want it, you're going to have to put your foot down. And you're going to have to be like, honestly, I'm so fucking tired of pretending this is normal. And it's, it's crazy that like, I'm, like, that you're trying to massage this. Just fucking stop. Or like, I'm honestly, I'm done. I'm done. Yeah. I need to do that. You're right. You're right. I just need to do it.

And lose your shit a little bit. Okay. I think I could do that. I can manage. All right. Keep me posted. It's keep me posted. but this is not going to change unless you do something about it. I mean, aren't you done, aren't you tired of talking about it? So freaking tired, man. So tired. So do something about it. You're right.

Because I do think while you're tired of it, you've, it's keeping you entertained. I'm going to do it. All right. Thank you. Keep me updated. I appreciate you being honest with me. I will. Thank you, Nick.

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make sure you use our link so they know we sent you exclusions apply how's it going hey nick i'm cassy i'm 27 and my question is is it am i being dramatic or is it time to end my engagement why are why are you considering ending your engagement i just don't think i'm happy honestly and why don't you think you're happy do you feel like you're not happy or do you feel like he doesn't make you happy or you're not happy with him or the relationship? Is it you trying to figure out like your happiness or is there something specific about him in the relationship that makes you unhappy? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, no.

I think it's. Can't say both. Which one is more? It's probably him. Okay. And like I'm trying to be happy. Why? Where do you feel like he is falling short? I think maybe it's just him as a whole.

His existence. It's like his, it's just his presence. Yeah, yeah. But try to narrow it down. Like we haven't been together that long. It was great in the beginning. How long is not that long? Nine months. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So that's a quick, that's a quick engagement. Yes. Yes, it was.

I'm picking up a bit of a southern accent. I don't know if you still live in that area. I'm in Alabama. Okay. So culturally, like a lot of people do get married young and move quickly in relationships. Did part of your reason of getting engaged have to do with like feeling pressure from your community or outside influences? No, I think it was more like pressure with myself. Okay. I've had like a kind of like serial monogamy. What do you mean by that?

just like jumping from one relationship to the next. I've never had like a long stretch of being single since. How long were you single before you met your fiancé? Like a month. Okay. All right. Yeah. How like, so when you guys met, I mean, did you, like, was it just a typical worldwind

honeymoon phase? Were you giddy and goo goo Gaga or whatever? Is this your first engagement? It is my first engagement. So what was different about? this than all your other relationships. We met, we went on a date. Our first date was like 14, 15 hours, and then he just kind of didn't go away after that. It was kind of like inseparable. Like an infection. Yeah, kind of. That sounds so bad. I mean, that's how you feel. It's harsh,

but yeah, it's... I didn't feel that way to begin with, though, or else we probably would not have gotten here. So, okay, well, then how did you feel to begin with? To begin with, it was great. I was like, this guy is like the best guy I've ever met. He's nice to me. He, this is about to sound bad. Like, he has a job and a car and a home. And I myself, like, on my own, do fine. So, like, I don't need someone for that.

But you also don't want to date or get engaged to or marry someone you have to parent either. Yes. No, I don't want to have to take care of someone. Are you physically attracted to your fiancé? I was. What changed? Okay, so last month, we went on a cruise together, and everything was fine. And then when night, he says, I need you to drink more, so you'll have sex with me.

And I've not wanted to do anything with him since then. He said, I need you to drink more so you want to have sex with me? Yes. Was he serious? Yeah, I think so. It came off as serious. He wasn't goofing around. It was wild.

I didn't say anything in the moment. but I did bring it up like two. Did you guys have like a lot of drunk sex in the past or something? Not a lot. It sounds like he was feeling like your sex life had taking a dip. A dip? Would that be accurate? A little bit of one, but not anything crazy.

We were probably still intimate a few times a week. So he gave you the ick basically when he... Yeah, when he said that, for sure. Yeah, it is kind of an icky thing. And I did. I brought that up to him like two weeks ago. I was like, I have the ick. what do you say well he's just we're working on it so we'll see how that goes

it's not well from from this side of what do you what do you mean did you address it i mean like i don't because to be all in serious it's like definitely give you the ick but it's like a i'm sure he's a fine guy but it's just like you get women drunk so they sleep with you it's giving a little creepy creepy yeah i think is the gentlest way to say that and maybe he was joking. We say things that we don't realize in the moment how it might come across. Like, we've all said things that didn't land before. But yeah, I mean, to be honest, like the solution to this specific thing in terms of like just, hey, that bothered me, you said that and be like, okay, now that you bring it up to me, I get why you feel that way. I shouldn't have said that

it was stupid. It didn't land. And then you can, and then if he feels that way about your sex life, you know, you guys should, you know, he should be allowed to bring it up. And you can disagree with you could be like, I don't know, like life happened and we're busy. And like, honestly, I'm comfortable with the frequency and blah, blah, blah. You know, there can be a back and forth. I'm not sure what are you guys working on when, like, what does that mean? So when he said that to me, I didn't say anything in the moment. It took me a good few weeks to bring it up because it kind of just changed my perception of him as a whole.

Okay. I don't know. He kind of went from like this person that I thought like high character to like not so much. And in my head, I'm like, what if I marry this person and, like, mask balls? Do you think this is more than him being a guy who said something stupid and didn't realize how it sounded? And it was just a bad joke because people do do that all the time. Or do you think maybe you've been wrong about him? And again, this answer doesn't change whether you have the right to leave if you're not happy.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, like just, you know, at the other day, if you don't like him and he's, not your guy, you can break up, you know. And if there's something telling you, he's not your guy, no, that's not crazy. Talking to you for two minutes, there are some like, call it data points. If this doesn't feel right, like, that's all you really need. You know, you've been, you've dated for nine months before you got engaged. You can acknowledge that, like, you've jumped from relationship to relationship. So, like, it's harder for you to trust, like, your real, feelings, like how much of you being in relationship is just like feeling the need to like have

someone and be with someone. You choose the best available option at the time because like you haven't really leaned into like being alone and that discomfort. And now as you get older, you're recognizing maybe that patterning yourself and your conscious, subconscious brain, whatever is making you realize that I'm settling a little bit. You maybe never ever had this conversation, but there must be a part of you deep down that says if I had the guts to be alone and be single in living that discomfort, I might not be dating him or engaged to him. And I might be holding out for something that feels more special in my mind. Because I just feel like if you really loved him and you knew him in nine months isn't a great deal of time, but you can have a pretty good sense of someone's

character. I feel like you should know the difference between something that didn't land and something that was like, yo, I don't think you realize how that comes across, but I know you're a good guy. So like, just stop. Don't ever say that again. The boys say dumb things a lot. And I think us guys don't often put ourselves in the perspectives of how that comes across to women. Doesn't make what he said is that any less weird. But you should know, I think, inside whether he deserves the benefit of the doubt or you should look at him differently. And the question you have to ask yourself, is this an excuse to look at him differently because deep down you just don't like him that much. Yeah.

No. Ultimately, I don't think that he's like a bad person that said that. I do think that it was supposed to be a joke and it did not land, maybe. But. But I think that might just be like me saying that I don't, maybe I don't know who he is. It's me trying to make an excuse for not liking him. Yeah. That's the vibe you're giving me.

You don't have a hard time being in a committed relationship. So this is not like, oh, I always do this every time it gets serious. Yeah. So in your most comfortable state, you're feeling uncomfortable. And that's not a good sign for you. It might be a good sign that you are maturing and becoming more self-aware about what you actually need. And now you are learning how to listen to yourself in a way that feels a little uncomfortable. That makes sense.

So like, what do I do? I don't know how to do that. Let's assume the breakup's not so bad. He's like, all right, cool. How would you feel? Does that give you relief? Like, what are you most afraid of? Being alone, breaking his heart, or, you know, being wrong?

Being wrong, making a wrong decision. You think there's a chance you could be wrong? Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, that's kind of a big deal. Why do you think there's a chance you could be wrong? Because he's very good to me. And he's like, I think he's probably a good person.

So, like, would it be the wrong decision? I don't want to make the wrong decision, but they tend to do that. Does he treat you better than your past boyfriends in a way that almost feels like not as exciting or something? Like, you know, is there a little bit of that element? We don't fight. Ever, which is weird. What do you think you should fight about? Maybe not so much, like, fight about it when we first originally met.

He was like, I eventually want kids. And I was like, okay, I'm undecided. I'm leaning more towards no. And I told him that the other day and he said, well, that will be okay. But is that okay? I feel like it's not. How old is he? 30.

I don't know. I mean, maybe he doesn't give a shit. I don't know. I mean, I do think the conversation around like having kids and not having kids has gotten kind of weird. It's gotten weird how so? It's, um, and I'm obviously biased as someone who, who enjoys being a dad. I strongly believe if you don't want to have kids,

no one should try to convince you to have kids. I think society, before people are even considering having kids, is telling you all the reasons why you shouldn't have kids. It's expensive. It's difficult. It's hard. It's going to change your life and blah, blah, blah. You know, and I think 30 years ago,

there was this built in like, hey, like expectation of like that part of life is, you know, growing up, falling in love and having a family. And there's definitely exceptions to that rule. but like that was a big part of people's lives and sense of purpose, you know, not all of it, but like that was a big driving force. I mean, like, now that I laid out of the other night, we're having a conversation, but like, what the fuck would we do if we didn't have a, I mean, it's difficult and it's hard and River takes up all our time.

But like, you know, after we've been together for several years now, it's like, well, if we just, like, would we just, like, go to random fucking parties? like what would we do at this stage of our relationship with like we I guess maybe travel more but like I think we would let just for us it would lack some purpose this is not why you call it's just more I agree with you that it's it's like it should be a big deal and I do think people should have a strong sense of why they're giving whatever answer they're giving you know if you're someone who's like I used to not want to have kids but I might be open to it then fine I just think there's a lot of people like you two where you're more a little bit like sure about what you don't

want and he seems to be slightly more on the fence but neither of you have a strong opinion and I think that part is weird I don't know but that's it doesn't make me right it just makes it I just have a strong opinion I think it's interesting that you think he should have a strong opinion and maybe you're right about that well I feel like if you want kids then you like want kids well I guess my point is is that I think society when it comes to people your guys's age and he's not that young has made it very, like, it used to be the expectation to have kids. And so if you were on the fence, it was easy to have a, I want kids, because you felt supported by society. And I think nowadays, it's become even, like, almost like the minority opinion of people

who are like, I definitely want to have kids. So it could be, I could see a world where maybe deep down he does, but he almost feels weird to say that. And everyone around, him says they don't want to have kids and then here the person he loves or is engaged with wants it doesn't want to have kids so he's like yeah sure fuck it i don't want to have kids because there's not enough people around him being like listen man kids are hard it will change your life there's a lot of like but like you will it'll you'll you'll never find a greater purpose you know like i don't know how many people are saying that to him and it's like oh fuck yeah purpose that's kind of a big deal like i you know it's tough because nowadays i think being young is hard i think it's more and more and more difficult

I think 20 years ago, people in their 20s were graduated from college and they found a job where they could support themselves and a partner in a family. Now that's just not the case economically. And now you have people enter early adult life in their 20s and society tells them to like, you know, still be young and still be a kid. And like your 20s are your new teenage years. And all of a sudden we years go by and we're like, fuck, I'm 25. I haven't accomplished anything. And if you're a guy in his 30 who doesn't like, who hasn't found his purpose career wise, that feels a very unsettling. You know, I don't know what I want to. to do and like I guess you know whatever and so I do think it's a lot harder to be younger and think

about the possibility of having kids because everything around them has changed and there's just a lot less stability so I empathize with that it's it's a challenge right now he could still be searching for that purpose for himself and I think some again a lot of people are just aren't having the conversations that sometimes kids are are that purpose like I was bored not because my my parents both had these careers and they were ready to start a family it was more like they got married and had kids and then they were poor as fuck and my mom stayed home my dad worked and they just figured it the fuck out you know and that's how it used to be now it's very different now everyone needs a plan for for parenthood anyway um i don't know if that was

any way helpful at all uh or um or are you even welcomed because you didn't ask um but listen i it's interesting that you have a strong point of view about his opinions about nowadays having kids. Once again, you need to ask yourself, is that you just trying to come up with an excuse to not like him? Or does it, does it deep down, the guy you've gotten to know, does it feel like he's not being true to himself? And that bothers you. And that speaks to like, you know, non-negotiables and wanting different things. Yeah. It definitely seemed like the way he talked about it originally is that he really wanted kids. And now it's just like, okay, a little bit. I hear you. I do think, like, I do think it's become less weird to be like your fiance

because of the conversations that society has around having kids these days. Yeah. But also it could just be making, me making another excuse or trying to anyway. What we talked about when we talked about the cruise and the conversation on the vacation is that we were going to like just take some time to see if we could get back. to the way we were before we went on the cruise because since then like I don't want to like touch him in any way shape form or fashion okay so I mean it's just like it kind of just sounds like you don't like them yeah you know why does it sound bad you're you're right not

to like them because I did or at least I thought I did maybe I did you liked them early on that's fine and maybe it was a change of pace and I don't know maybe maybe four weeks was too long for you to be single and it was just like he was the first nice guy to show up and that just doesn't feel right right now and it was easier for you to lie to yourself about your feelings towards people than it is now as a you know someone who's more comfortable in her own skin and more emotionally mature maybe you're just learning from past mistakes you know could be that yeah I think deep down you know the answer I can't give the answer, but like, you know, you can, you can have these million conversations, and there's not going to be a clear, I can't give you a clear answer. The only one who knows

the answer is, you know, deep in your gut. And he can be a nice guy and respectful guy, you know, it doesn't have to be, it doesn't mean he's your guy. And the kids thing aside, you know, the question is, it's like, do you feel like he, you want to, know that you have a partner and being in a committed relationship and being having a partnership is like not be at each other's throats but like knowing that like they can stand up to you and that like if they don't agree with you that you will hear that point of view so that you can work through it and maybe that includes a disagreement or two here or there but you want to feel like you have a partner and you don't want to feel like you can kind of get away with anything because even

though sometimes that's fun in the short run we want that kind of equality in a relationship So maybe it's that. Like, listen, I guess what I'm saying is it's not bad. You didn't do anything wrong. It's not a crime to want to end an engagement. It's definitely a tough conversation. It's uncomfortable. But you're not crazy for realizing you don't like someone.

So you don't need to come up with excuses to why it's okay for you to end this relationship if that's what you're trying to do. You're not going to be a bad guy. You're not a total bitch. he might be upset with you. He might say things that sound harsh and hasty, but like, listen, like, you're going to hurt his feelings, and that's okay.

But you don't need to explain it to the world, and no one's, you know what I'm saying? Like, you didn't do anything wrong. As someone who's been engaged before and it didn't work out, like, no one likes to have been like, I used to be engaged, but no one gives a shit.

And, like, it's honestly not that uncommon anymore. So in terms of about feeling like you have a scarlet letter or a label, or you have to explain it, no one cares. And that's certainly not a reason to be in a relationship. So just decide what you want. There's no wrong answer. You don't need to come up with a justification.

Yeah, no, I think I do know the answer. Well, I would rip off the bandaid as soon as possible. Oh, goodness. Okay. And when you do it, you can be direct, but be kind. You don't need to like, you don't need to make them feel like a creep. I wouldn't bring up some of these excuses. I would just be like, listen, I just don't see it.

I don't see it. And I, you know, if you want to, like, I don't think it's going to be productive, me saying a bunch of things that, like, I think. But at the end of the day, I don't see it, and I don't feel it, and I don't think this is what I want. Yeah. It's tough, but you'll be okay. You'll be all right.

You can get through it. Yeah, maybe so. No, definitely. You can definitely get through it. Sounds like you'll be free. You know, like this is a weight on your shoulder. You're not supposed to feel this way when you're engaged. Yeah, no, you're not probably.

It's weighing on you. It's sucking up your energy. And I understand like the breakup sounds scary, but like honestly it's not going to be as hard as you're telling yourself it is. And it'll be fine. Okay. All right. All right.

Good luck. Thanks. You're not even wearing your ring. No. I'm not. Yeah. I like just shut it down. To be fair, I don't wear it most of the time.

I only wear it when I go out. It's because you hate him and you don't want to make him feel bad. I'm just kidding. I mean, I'm not kidding. But like, I think, you know, I just, yeah, listen. Like, you're just, you're not doing him any favors by convincing yourself he's worse of a person than he actually is. He's just not your guy. Gotcha.

All right. All right. Good luck out there. Thanks. All right. Congrats and the girls. I appreciate you. Keep us posted on how this breakup goes.

I'd love to hear it. For sure. All right. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. Getting dressed as a working mom is already a challenge, so why not make it easy and elevated? That's why Vivrelle is such a game changer.

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Hi. My name is Paige. I'm 22 and I'm questioning whether my work ethic is ruining my relationship with my clingy boyfriend. Okay. Tell me more about it. Okay. So I guess I'll start kind of how we started dating. So I'm from California. And right after high school, I moved to Oregon for college and moved there alone, like was super ready to like get out. I've always been super independent. So did that and went through sorority recruitment. So met a much of my friends that way. My boyfriend was in a fraternity there as well. So we were in the kind of brain in the same crowd, but not really like. super friendly with each other yet. Fast forward to senior year. I had gone to Ireland for study abroad

in my junior year and he had gone to Spain. And I went alone. He went with a bunch of friends. And he's from Oregon. So that was kind of the craziest thing he had ever done like because he was like an hour away from home the whole time he was in college. And then when he went to Spain, he was with all of his buddies. So it was like independent but not super super. And so senior year, we get back to school, we start dating, and then it got pretty serious. My sister lived in Nashville, and I didn't have a place that I specifically wanted to be after college, and so I was like, screw it, I'll just move. Kind of that was my whole plan, like, throughout the year. So towards the end of the year, we're kind of talking about, like, if we're going to keep dating after college and all of that,

I really loved his family, like, loved him, was super invested. And so he was like, I think I want to come to Nashville with you. And I was like, that's, like, would be great. But I've always been, like, terrified of that pressure of, like, I don't want you to move here for me. Like, I never want to feel like I have that much responsibility on myself, I guess. I'm a little bit afraid of that in terms of commitment. Like, the last time I had a boyfriend was in high school all throughout college. I was, like, don't want it, want to experience my own life. And so I made that very clear when we moved. Like, you are not moving here for me. Like, I would love for you to come. But it needs to be, because you want that. So I moved here in July. He moves out here in September. He had an

internship over the summer. So stayed in Oregon. I was living with my sister at the time before I moved into our apartment in September, having a great time, loved it, moved here to have a job in the mental health field. So I was a case manager in a mental health cooperative. It was really heavy. Wasn't really happy with my 9 to 5, but like was going through it, all of that stuff. And then he moved out here. Continue with that. I decided to leave the job. like climate right as he moved in. So it was kind of an interesting transition for me when he moved in. He was unemployed for about the first like three months that we were here, which at first I was like, oh, it's fine. He was looking for a job in supply chain logistics. Like that can't be that hard to

find. He was searching for jobs. But over time, I realized he wasn't really looking for jobs at all. Like he was just kind of hanging out on the couch every day while I went to work. I decided to leave the 9-5. I've always been like I'm never going to leave something without having a plan. So got a job as a hostess. Love it. Then I get a second job out of infrared sauna, coal funge studio. So do that also. So I'm working those two jobs.

Loving it, though, because I'm getting to meet people that are actually my own age. So, like, honestly, that was the best thing for me. Like, I'm making way less money, but couldn't have been happier with, like, my social situation. Meanwhile, he's couch surfing and saying he can't find a job. Yes. So it was like at first I was like well you know it's the first time he's away from home Like he's never really been this far away from his parents or his friends all of his friends like he has his birth What does that have to do with that? I don't know I feel like I was just kind of like maybe he just needs time to like settle and like get comfortable and he was like I just want to see Nashville like I just want to get to know the area before like get sucked into a job and like can never see anything. I was like

okay fair i mean sounds like i'm i'm guessing even that despite having two jobs you get to explore nashville and and meet people and have a life like there are 24 hours in a day yeah and even if you work 10 hours a day there's still 14 hours you know yeah and like soon let me you sleep free you get a good night of sleep of eight still a couple hours to and he has no job so how much money does he have to go explore, but that's a couple hours a day. He could get out of the house. Anyway, continue. Well, to your point, though, like, he also never had a job, like, consistent job throughout college. Like, I was always employed all throughout college because, like, my parents were like, we'll help you with your school, but all the extra stuff. Does his parents have money?

They have, like, a decent amount of money. They don't live, like, super lavishly, but they love, like, vacations, big things like that. So they like, they like to spend. And they were forward to support him. It sounds like. Yes. Yes. So he would have like some like little summer jobs, but he never had like, I don't

know, like he would never had a crazy work ethic, I guess is my point. And I grew up with the dad that like worked his ass off. And so I think I'm, it's kind of unattractive to me when I don't see that kind of drive in my partner. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like giving you the ick.

A little bit, yeah. So I'm working those two jobs. He finally gets a job. Actually, my coworker had said like, oh my gosh, he's in supply chain, like, tell him to look into this company. He does, goes to the interview process, going through a couple interview processes. And at that point, it was kind of bizarre. Like, he would, like, go through him and be like, yeah, but I'm not really interested. I'm like, why not?

And he's, it was. That's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. So he had this like confidence. It almost like I know that I can get a better job than that. He does it and all this stuff because his dad's in sales.

Okay. And he takes him through like he's a very confident person and he kind of takes out. Yes. And his dad. They're very similar. And so I think that because of like all the people and men that he's been around, he has like this confidence without having the kind of pedigree to back it. Like he just hasn't done like you haven't done like you haven't done like

because his dad is a hard worker. So that always kind of bothered me. And then he's going through these interview processes and is like, I think that I can do better. And I'm like, but you don't have any like history that you have done. So like, well, first of all, first of all, like, okay. So here's where I think you could tweak your messaging to him if that's what you want to do. He also just might not be your guy. It's like what he's missing is like, I don't.

Maybe maybe if he keeps waiting, he could find something that he deems better. I mean, that's not impossible, right? The question is, how long is that going to take them? And then what experience could he be getting now, whether it's like a hosting job or something in supply chain, even he wants to do sales? Like there's experiences he can learn. He can learn how to be in a corporate environment. He can learn things that he thinks he is beneath him.

And what he's missing out on right now is just like getting experience and getting work. and there's a lot of people who enter the workforce and their first job is not what they hope or expected. And then a lot of times within your first year, I hated my first job. I left it after nine months and it was like kind of scary. I'm like, I'm going to move my resume, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But like I got good experience. I also learned what I didn't want to fucking do, you know? Yeah. And he is not getting that experience in the pursuit of something better. I found something better. I mean, at least I tried. It took me a couple times, but he is not learning about what he actually likes and not likes. He is assuming what he likes and doesn't like and then deciding what's better or not.

And he has no fucking clue what he actually likes. I mean, he's never really worked in this space. And he has a deluded and delusional kind of perspective of what it likes to be in the workforce. So, you know, we, And he says it's not about debating and arguing with him whether he's going to find something better because you're kind of daring him to prove you wrong. But what is what is undeniable is that like he is missing out on some really good experiences and an opportunity to, A, make money.

And if I were you, I would definitely calm out on like, listen, how old is he? 23. You're 23 and your parents support you. That's kind of an ick. It's an egg. And like the fact that you don't want to do something about it and you don't want to like get a job, whether it's being a host or waiting tables or picking up fucking garbage or whatever it is, I would be honestly more into that because like you're earning that. And you're it's a work ethic thing. And you're comfortable taking your parents hard earned money so you can be lazy.

And that's an ick. and if that doesn't bother you, maybe you're not my person. I mean, like, you just, you know, listen, it's one of those things where you don't want a baby your boyfriend, you don't want to parent your boyfriend, but the fact that you are avoiding some of these direct conversations, and like you can do it in a way that's directed,

not necessarily harsh, you know, but like it is the truth. And sometimes these boys need to hear some direct feedback for them to become men. And you need to find out real fast, whether he's even capable of doing it. don't marry the loser, you know, like it's, you know, I'm guessing what feels a little uncomfortable for you is like, it's a mindset thing. And I think your instincts are right. I mean, I joke with my

employees that like I never, I've never seen any of their resumes, you know, that other people in my, on my team do, but by the time I meet them, I don't give a shit. And some of the best hires I've made, it's because they like told me they, in between college and, and their quote unquote real job. They worked at Trader Joe's or they worked as a barista at Starbucks and they were in the fire and it was a shitty job. But like they they were willing to do that to make ends meet. And to me, that has been some of the best indicators about someone's work ethic and their talents as an employee. And I think the same, I think you can apply the same principles that like you know you're a go getter. You're a hard worker. And being a hard worker, you have respect for what you have respect for what you.

you've accomplished and you're proud of it as you should be and it's hard to be in love with someone or have a committed relation but when you kind of like don't respect their grind or lack thereof and then the obvious question is it's like if I marry this person am I always going to have to be their fucking cheerleader am I always going to have to motivate them what happens when you have kids how helpful are they going to be you want someone who's willing to raise their hand and say how can I help yeah and he is doesn't sound like that kind of guy yeah and And like I feel like I'm like ragging on him through all this and I'm not trying to. Like he's a good, he obviously has good traits.

I'm sorry as well. Charming in the life of the. Yeah. Like this is not about he's popular and cool or whatever. And he might be capable of growing up. My point is if you want to stay in this relationship, if it's, you're like, you're only 22. So then you, you know, make sure you ask yourself, what are my relationship goals? You know, your goals can change.

But like as a motivated 22 year old who, who like, like, you're like, you know, like, you're to work and wants to prioritize, I don't know, maybe like marriage and kids is like isn't on the table for the next five or six years. And at the end of the day, maybe what's the point of still investing in something where it's just like, you know, even if I marry him, it's not going to be forever. I don't know. Those are fair questions to ask yourself. In the meantime, while you are with him, it's important that you figure out whether he has the ability to like check himself, make some moves, hear your feedback. And, want to prove to himself into you that he can grind. He can grind. He can do the uncomfortable

things because life is not comfortable and we don't always have mommy and daddy to take care of us. Yeah. And when he moved out and moved here, they're not helping him anymore. And he did get a job at a supply chain logistics place, works nine to five. But like, for example, like, it was just, there's things that just, I think it starts, you know, with work ethic and all that. And then it's just like you pile on after a while. And like I set up the internet insurance. I pay for all of those bills. He memos me for them. Like I just, we split it 50-50. But like I've just set everything up. I found the apartment. And he's like whatever you need to help you out. But like what's his thing? What's his thing? He helps with the cat. Like literally he helps with the cat. Like he'll, I don't take out

the litter. He does that. And you don't have to ask him. No, I don't have to ask him. So his thing is the cat. That's it? Yeah. That's his only thing? Yeah, like he's like handy. He helps out with like stuff around the house. But like, I don't know, a big point of contention in our relationship more recently is just like the amount of hours I've been working.

And now I am transitioning from that host's position to a full-time cocktail server. And so I'm starting a new job. And I was kind of between staying at the restaurant and moving to a server there or starting this new job. I was kind of being pulled in both directions. And when I asked what he thought I should do, he was like, well, when will you be home more? Like, which job? And I'm like, that is so not what I needed to hear. Like, because he just wants me to be home more.

Like, that's like all. Like he just, and I'm like, dude, like, I want to need to make money. But also, like, he just hates that I work so much in like the days that I have off. Like, I've been. His sense of urgency is this different than yours. There is clearly there's something about. you know, I didn't grow up with a lot of money. I mean, I had a great childhood, but like, you know, I grew up with a scarcity mindset, you know.

I grew up with how my parents, you know, that they had a fear of constantly, how are we going to make ends meet. And I think, I don't know what your childhood was like, but for me, I like, you know, things I, you know, we'll have to work on or whatever. But like, I honestly, I would take that over the, the alternative because that has a lot of, me to grind and have some urgency and not take things for granted. And it sounds like, you know, your boyfriend has a default of like, listen to the other day, I'm going to be okay, you know, because like it's, he's always been okay. And he's never really been like in a position where he's wondered like, are we going to be okay? And it's always, it's always worked out for him. Yeah. And that's hard to change, you know, but I guess what I'm saying is if you're,

So like, I don't, you just don't, I don't think you need to break up with this guy. Like, you don't need to be hasty. I do think you need to, to not feel bad about how you feel about the situation and not apologize for prioritizing yourself in your career and be willing to check him a little bit and challenge him and see how he responds. Is he up for the challenge? So we had our first conversation about like all of this, because I've been saying this for a long time. And my sister actually helped me out because she, him and her don't really like each other.

So my sister lives in Nashville. And she's basically like, he gets to see you all the time. Like, I never actually get to hang out with you because your day's off. You're always with him. And he's like the same with her. Like, your days off, like, don't hang out with her. Like hang out with me. So it's always an issue with them. But I was like telling her all these things vocalizing it. And she's like, just talk to him. Because my final straw like this past week was I got home from work one night. had a really long day. And he was like, do you want to go to the movies? Because he's been reading the new Hail Mary book.

And he wanted to go see it. And I was like, oh, yeah, but maybe not tonight. Like maybe tomorrow. He's like, okay, cool. So the next day, I'm at work. I get a VEMO request for half of the movie ticket. And I was like, I can't. Because like we have been having an issue with VEMO requests before.

Like, I split the bill. Everything split. Like, it's always a VEMO request. It's so annoying. So that was like my final straw. I was like, I can't. And so I declined it. Smooth.

Yeah. I have a screenshot of the text. It was basically he texted and said, why did you decline my vener request? And I was like, because you asked me to go into the movies last night, like, blah, blah, like, I don't want to pay. And he was like, his response was, that's how it's always been. Like, when has it not been like that?

And I was like. Starting today. No, yeah. So I was just basically like, no, it has. but I hate it. And that's all I said. And so I was just very prepared to have a conversation when we got home. So we had a conversation.

And I noted some of like his points and my points because I wanted to tell my sister and stuff. Because I was like, and I need to remember this because I can very easily be swayed when people make me feel bad. So I'm like, remember the conversation. I love that you took notes of your argument. Yeah. So a lot of the things that he was saying was that like, that one main point for me was like, I told you not to move here for me. Like, this wasn't for me. Like, you're supposed to move here because there's a new start for you too. Did he bring that up? Why did you feel they need to bring

that up? Because we had been going back and forth with like money and things like that. And I think you just made a point of like, we were supposed to move here and like spend time together. And like, we never see each other. And I was just kind of like, I told you not to move here for me. I told you to move here for like, just because this worked for both of us. and like all these things. And he was like, I moved here for us. But, but that's bullshit. A couple things.

One, I think you could strengthen your argument by, it's not about the moving. But I do think you can call them out on the, but I moved here for us. I'm like, that's, you trying to be romantic isn't going to change my mind. The point is, you, like, I made this clear because I never wanted you to be able to throw it in my face. That where you live is, you know, you don't get to use that is a reason for you being

unhappy and expecting more of me. You can expect more from me because, you know, there's things in our relationship, but like what I'm hearing is I have no friends. I have nothing better to do, so I expect you to hang out with me. Second of all, this is not about you. It's about making a life for himself outside of this relationship where it sounds like he's chosen not to do. He has hang out with friends at work more recently and like he's having fun with that. So I'm really actually very happy for him. But the thing that sucks is that like for like I feel bad because when he leaves, I'm

so happy if I know that I'm coming home from work and no one's going to be at our apartment. And like that's been like my more recent like epiphany like oh shit, I probably shouldn't be in a relationship because like it means a much. Or maybe like at 22 years old, you shouldn't be living with this guy. You know, there is that.

Like you can be in a relationship and take it slow and get to know each other. And again, like the chance. challenge is, it's like, you know, you know, 30 years ago, being 22 and in love made a lot of sense and people settled down and had kids. And that's just not how a lot of people are rolling these days. So nowadays, it's like you're 22 and you're like, I don't know, I, you know, like, later mid to late 20s, maybe I want to like get married and have kids. So like, that's five years of potentially dating someone that isn't going to have a ton of progress, especially if

you choose to like move really fast in the beginning, which is to say to move into with each other and play house and like moving in with a relationship sooner than it needs to happen is going to create these feelings like you're feeling now, which might tell you, which might give you incomplete information. Again, there's a lot of things going on with your relationship. But if if everything else was great, right? Yeah. Maybe he wasn't like this kind of lazy giving a loser a little bit on being harsh. But if all, all you were feeling like is like, oh my God, he's just, oh, he's there. Could just mean that like you're just not ready to like live with someone. That in your independent, still young, I moved to a new city, I got my sister and like you want to have a

little bit of both. Like it could just mean that. And he could be a guy who, again, if other things were equal and was also as equally as motivated as you were with work and prioritized having friends. Now, that could present other challenges. That could present challenges if you guys feeling like, hey, you know, like, let's just make sure we're still coming back to each other. And, you know, I'm glad you're making friends and I'm making friends. But like that, you know, that, that, that can create problems and distractions and temptations and things like that. So there's, there's no path that doesn't take work in a relationship. But at least that path would be, more in line with the lifestyle you want. You're living a path right now where he's just like there.

He's just comfortable with existing. And again, I don't, you know, what are your relationship plans? I mean, you live with this guy. Yeah. So what do you guys want for each other? Well, like, when we were still in college, like, I was so like, I can totally marry this dude. Like, I love his family, like really love him. Like, we're so good. What if you don't want to get married to your 30? Well, so that's how I. I am. That's the thing. So I've always been super independent and I'm like, I don't want to have kids until I've done all the shit that I want to do. Like his parents got married super young. His mom's like, she's sweet, but she's just like a housewife. So she doesn't, which is being a mom

is a full-time job, very hard. But she doesn't have her own like things going on. So she's always been super involved in her kids' lives, which is great. But sometimes it gets to a certain extent where it's a little bit helicopter parent and she's like that with us. I would say unsolicited feedback. Yeah, you're only 22, so go live your life, have fun. I don't think having kids has to end that. Now, Nally wasn't the host of a Netflix show before she had kids. Now she is.

True. Again, it does change things. No doubt it is harder. There are a shit ton of sacrifices. Yeah. You have to make. Just make no mistake about that. but it is not, you know, you can.

Yeah, I guess to rephrase, I am not ready to not be selfish is like my thing. Like, I want to be selfish for as long as possible because I like what I got going on. There you go. But yeah. But my big issue is now I'm just like in a weird spot where we had this like big long talk. He was crying a lot. And he was crying. Yeah, he cried a lot.

And I don't. He just, like, he just was basically expressing, well, he was expressing that he just, like, doesn't feel wanted by me. And, like, I never want to be home. And I'm always, like, at the gym or, like, grocery shopping or, like, running my errands, like, doing my meal prep, whatever it be. And, like, I don't give him enough attention. And, like, when I get home from work, I'm just tired and I've been working for nine

hours. I'm just like, I just want to eat and go to sleep. And I get home and give him a kiss, but, like, he wants me to, like, lay on the bed with him for, like, 15 minutes and just, like, sit there. And I'm like, I'm hungry. I'm uncomfortable. I want to go to bed. And so that's been kind of a point of contention.

And we just, honestly, we aren't really having sex anymore either because I'm just not interested. And so he just doesn't feel wanted. And so he was crying a lot about that. But I just, like, wasn't emotional. And then the only time that I did get emotional was when I was saying, I just don't know if I could be the partner that you meet. Where I'm at right now in my life, I just don't know if I can give you as much attention as, as you need and I like you deserve someone that can do that and I just don't know if I could do that and then I asked him if he's happy with our situation and like thinks that we can work on it or if he

kind of thinks that he would be happier if he was single because I'm obviously causing him a lot of hurt and his response but I think that you would be happier single is he right after the fact I think so but I didn't say that and I probably should should have said it in different words because I feel like I wasn't being completely honest, but I was just like, no, I wouldn't necessarily be happy or single. They've just like, I'm just so busy right now. You can still say it and it takes sometimes, sometimes it takes time to process and think about your feelings. Yeah. I don't know I go from here. Well, maybe nowhere. Maybe it is an end. But again, like, this is a compatibility situation. This is not,

you know, you and I can have opinions about what we think he should do or what we think he's not doing. You know, there's some, like, even potential, like, love languages. Maybe he really likes physical touch, and that's, like, not your, like, favorite love language. But also, like, again, there's a level of he would be less needy and he would be feeling less invalidated by you or the quality time you're not spending if he had more of a purpose in drive and in needing to prove to himself like what he you know what what's his drive like what like it's the part that he's so comfortable with hanging out and not having a job it's just like kind of your first couple jobs is not supposed to be your dream job you're not supposed to pick your

first couple jobs almost because you think you're worthy of it or it's it's like your pain you know you that's about experience it's about learning what you like and don't like so that you can hopefully obtain your dream job i you know maybe maybe you want to be a waitress your entire career probably not right like but you're you're getting more sales experience than he's getting you know like you're you're interacting with people you're you're learning skills skills that you might not even realized just by working, you're doing it. What skill is he learning by sitting home? When we say we want a partner, right? So what does that mean? Partnership. It's like I had a teammate. Someone to do, you know, what are all the cliches we say when we, you know, talk, you know,

our vows or whatever? I want to do life together with you. Well, okay, well, it's a cliche, but there's some, like, we mean that, but we have to apply it. Like, he just wants you to be around to have quality. And that's nice. Quality Times. important for a special lot of people. But like, what are you doing together as a team? What are you driving for? If you felt like his efforts and energy matched yours and he showed up and it doesn't always have to be the same, you know, like at the end of the day, you both have to feel like you're contributing. Nally and I feel like, for the most part, feel like we are contributing to the life that we've chosen to have. As parents, as coworkers, as homeowners, you know, we both have to show up.

when that doesn't always happen, there might be a conversation. But for the most part, I feel like she's committed to this lifestyle as much as I am, and we both want it, and we are both willing to put in the work. And that's, I think, the part you guys are struggling with is, what is that thing you guys are working towards? Right now, it's like, you have a lot of other things you want to accomplish, and you can like him and love him that doesn't take away from the things that you want to accomplish and it probably feels like he is taking away from that because instead of like also being busy and productive he's like you do you work too much and you're like yo bro like first of all I need to make money second of I'm only 22 like what I mean how much time do you

want to fucking spend together yeah yeah I hear you on all of those and I'm just like I guess I'm freaking out of my head just could I can go on kind of the same way that we have been but we have six, four months on our lease. What else did they're in those notes? You had a page of notes. What else did you say to them? Oh, I said, I miss missing you. I was telling him that I recharge alone.

Like, when my battery is low, like, I need some time and then, and then I'm fully ready to, like, be all in together, but sometimes, like, I just need some separation. Like, my mom's like that. Like half the populations like that. Yeah.

It's an introverted quality. Yeah. So you probably have some introverted qualities, you know, you're not alone in that. He was saying that I'm so focused on myself and what I need and never what he needs and then I never like go out of my way to like buy anything for him or do anything for him when I picked him up at the airport like a week ago. I don't buy him shit.

Because we're talking about money and like I was like we don't have to like do lavish things but like I'd appreciate if I'd have to like split the bill with you every time we go to dinner. Like it's just like chivalrous things I kind of miss in our relationship. And he was like hated that the other day. I was dog sitting for my sister. So I had two dogs on my lap in the car and went to go pick him up from the airport. And I didn't get out and kiss him.

And he was like really bothered by that. He sounds like the woman in the relationship. He kind of is. But I've also, I know that I have certain tendencies that like are a little bit. That's also not meant to be a dig on women. I don't know. He just like is like, you know, it's like he likes the gifts and he wants to be whined and dined. And he wants to be valid.

I don't like, I don't know. He wanted to know how long I'll be like doing this much work and like what my plan is with it. He was like, how long do you be doing this? Because like I, I hate it. First of all, until I don't have to do it or someone else can contribute to supporting a shared lifestyle. And someday I, do you want kids someday?

Yes. So someday I want kids. That's going to, I don't know, when are you going to, when are you going to, when are you gonna grow up. I don't know. Like, I take care of us and, and you, you help with the cat. Like a, like my, like my daughter's going to and when she's old enough to do chores. Yeah. You know, it sounds like, you know, it sounds like you're dating someone who's probably a little spoiled. And, and listen, I'm definitely here the older guy who's like, the younger generation's a little softer. And the, you know, Gen Z brings a lot to the table

that millennials don't, you know. But it's like society is breeding two different types of men. The really empathetic, you know, understands the plight of women, soft, boyish, maybe kind of a loser energy, or this like toxic red pill agromasculine has all the wrong role models. But they are motivated. And they do the grind. And it's just like, you can be a. a good guy and you can still be chivalrous and you can still want to be the king of your castle

without being kind of a misogynistic dick you know what I'm saying there is a middle ground but it does feel like in today's society we're you know just in everything we're we're lacking the middle ground anyway I digress um he might not be your guy you're not wrong for wanting more from him I think it's okay that you challenge him and you can do it without like a masculine him, but you could just be like, listen, man, I'm an ambitious person, and that's not going to change. And I think you should expect more of yourself. And if we continue to be in a relationship, I want to feel like you're meeting me halfway. Yes, quality time is important. But like, it should bother you that you, like, you have to split a movie thing with me. It's like, yo, you know? And I'm like,

if it's a money thing, you're, you, you spend a lot of time at home doing. nothing. And I have two jobs, you know. He has a job. So he does work the nine to five. But you have two, you know, and I'm just simply saying that like your point is like I'm young. I got a lot of time on my hands and you still have free time to go out. If he is your guy, he has to be open to getting some direct feedback from you that doesn't make him feel threatened or emasculated or resentful towards you needing more from him. Yeah. It's great. that he's empathetic, it's great that he's gentle and kind and lovable and in touch with his emotions, but like, man, the fuck up. Well, that's what makes it so hard to, like, have conversations

with him too because I, like, I don't want to hurt him all the time. And I know that that's something that I need to work on, like, just being more honest and, like, having the hard conversations. Doesn't mean him being hurt by hearing how you feel doesn't make you the bad guy. And it might mean you're incompatible, but if you are constantly hurting your feelings, simply because you are speaking your truth or communicating your expectations of what you need in a relationship doesn't make you the dick. But just because his expectations are of the more romantic nature, it's like, well, all I want to do is to spend time with my girl. Like, okay, you know, fine. But like, that doesn't. Yeah. And if you were filming a reality TV show that would

land really well. But in reality, I want a partner who's going to show up in more than just ways of wanting to spend time with me or taking care of our cat. And I was. I want to know you can do the hard things. And I want to know you can grind. Yeah. He just doesn't want to have anything better to do than to hang out with you. And that's like not as romantic as it sounds. Or he wants to believe it sounds. Yeah. It's really nice in my head. I'm like, oh, he hears about me so much. And I should be grateful. But it's not attractive a lot of the time because I'm just like, I can't breathe. What you can't do is accept this as normal and silence your feelings about this.

And he's like, oh, but he makes me laugh and he's a nice guy, so I should marry him. Yeah. I needed this. I needed someone just to tell me that. Yeah. Okay. And he has every opportunity to not be a loser. It's not that hard, you know?

Yeah. You just want to see a little fucking ambition. You would probably be like so turned on if he was like, yeah, I got a second job. You know, it's just like, I'm, is he at least like in great shit? I mean, what is he doing with his free time? Is he, like, excelling in anything in his life? No, he's, uh, I have, I've always been pretty active. Um, I've competed in bodybuilding competitions when I was in high school.

So like, I, since then, I am on five days a week. I go to the gym. Like, that does not change. I will not cancel my gym plans for anything. That also bothers him sometimes because he's like, can we just hang out? Why are you going to work out? But, um, he doesn't work out. And he'll say like, oh, I want to work out.

I'm going to start working out. What does he do? Two days and then stop. He, Sometimes plays video games. He'll just come home or go to a record store. He likes his records, but honestly, not much. On weekends, like, he'll go out with his work buddies and go drink.

He's your age? Yes. I mean, yeah, he's. Yeah, he doesn't have any passions. He doesn't. No. He just had, I mean, it's, it's, you know, listen, I don't know how many passions I had as 22. I had a passion to try to be great or do something I could be proud of.

And, you know, that should be enough. He doesn't have that. He is this comfortable with being average. And that's okay for some people. It's definitely not okay for you. I don't want to just think this. If you want to be with him, you have to gently and honestly set your expectations and challenge him.

But it's like, I don't want to force you to want the same things for me. And I don't want to make you feel less than because I have these expectations of myself. Right. I'm in a tough spot. It's hard when, it's really hard when, like, you know that they're probably just not for you and you're probably just not compatible, but he doesn't do anything wrong. So it's like, I wish that he would do something wrong. So it's just being, you're going to break up with him sometimes. What do you mean wrong?

Of course he's doing something wrong. Like, give you, like, I don't know, like, nothing feels like legitimate. to actually break up with it, I guess. It doesn't make any sense. He doesn't have to rob a bank for you to justify breaking up with him. He could just, like, not be your guy, and you can be incompatible. And again, like, you're just feeling your gut. Like, I'm not, like, it's not like Natalie is, like, the same gung-ho person that I was.

But when I met her, she was finishing up school. She was also bartending. She was like, she would bartend all night and then wake up at five in the morning and do clinicals for, you know, because she's a surgical technologist, and she would work at the hospital. And then she would go to fucking school. because she just had to fucking do it. And then she doesn't do some of that stuff anymore because she doesn't have to.

But even just in our relationship, like, I don't know, she just does things that are helpful to me. Like she makes our house feel like a home. You know, that's a lot, you know? And like, you know, it's kind of embarrassing that I was in my mid-30s and like, you know, you could come to my house and be like,

I don't know if this guy's in college or if he's an adult, you know, because, you know, I had nice things. but it doesn't have the finishing touches, you know? As a mom, I think I'm an amazing dad and I'm very present in child care, but like she does a lot of the, you know, she's, and it's not because I ask her, there's just so many examples I have of Natalie just doing her part

and showing up and being my partner. And it would, it would just, it's not like I've thought about this. I wasn't like, oh, it's just like, I just felt it. I didn't feel what you feel, which is that disconnecting of like, what the fuck do you do? Like, where it's just like, God, you know, And the fact that he's not doing anything. And then simultaneously still, and again, Natalie is the less introverted version of me.

Quality time is really important to her. Like, we spend a lot of time together. And she's also bringing so much more than the table that, like, it's, you know, that's all he wants from you. Yeah. And he's complaining about that while not making your life easier in any other way. That's kind of the thing. You know, it's just like, you know, he's not an employee, but like, like whoever, whether it's an employee or a partner, the people you have the, like, other than family, right?

Family, it's just like, I don't know, you're my parent. You're my brother and sister. You're my family. Can't do anything about it. I don't even really like you, but I love you and you're my family. And I'll see you at Christmas, if nothing else, you know? But the people you choose to be with you in your life, the people that, like, it's an option, whether it's friends, whether it's romantic interest. at the end of the day, they have to make your life easier and better, you know, right?

Like, there's going to be challenges. But, like, every day, like, to be like, yeah, I know why you're, I know why I choose you. And you're at this crossroad of like, now you're a lot of fucking work, you know? And it's like. And I tell you something else. You just reminded me something. Sure. Okay.

So the other day, my sister and her boyfriend are also having issues. And in the middle of the night. So I got home from work. And the next day, it was Saturday. I was supposed to be off. So my boyfriend and I were going to go do stuff that day. It's the middle of the middle of the night. the night, I get a call for my sister. Sounds like someone's dying. I was like, oh my God,

what happened? Her and her boyfriend had a really big fight. She's like, I think we're going to break up. I need you come over. I was like, I'm on my way. So get up, get clothes on, run out of the house. He's like, where are you going? I was like, I'm going to my sister. I'll see you tomorrow. And so then I drive over to her house and spend the night with her. We have a whole night. Come back the next day, like probably like noon. And he was so distraught and upset with me. because he was like, we were, like, I get that you had to be there for her, but like, what do they even fight about? And also, like, we were supposed to have a whole day and, like, now it's kind of ruined. And, like, I'm not necessarily mad at you. It just like,

did you have any specific plans? We were supposed to go to, like, literally Nordstromack and maybe go get, like, some coffee. And he was just like, I did nothing today. And, like, we were supposed to do all these things. And I was just like, you could have gone to go do stuff. Like, I'm sorry. Like, life happens. But, like, it's that stuff. Yeah. I was just like, oh, my God. I think he's not your guy. Honestly. I mean, it's hard to imagine

he's going to make some big meaningful changes. I could be wrong, but you have to make decisions knowing that how you feel is valid and okay and you're not wrong. You're crazy. And if you want things to change,

you have to make them change. Yeah. And accept that he might not be capable. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you so much for sitting with me and hearing my flights.

I hope it was helpful. but yeah, these are these are challenges and you're figuring yourself out. And God knows, I didn't, you know, figure it out at 22. But yeah, put it this way. Relationships are hard. And one thing that being in relationship with Natalie really taught me is that it doesn't need to be that hard. It just doesn't.

They're hard enough. Every relationship is going to have its challenges. Every relationship is going to have its, dark moments, you know, some real things that you, a couple, every, every relationship. But the day to day should be easy, you know. Yeah. It should. Like, you know, we like doing the same things together.

We, like, we're on the same page with our expectations of quality time. I never really had to think about in my, does my partner match my work ethic? It just, like, felt like she showed up in a way that, like, she makes my life. easier and helpful and she brings things to the table that I don't or, you know, her strengths matches my weakness. It just kind of made sense. And it's very much not making sense to you. And it's, it shouldn't be this hard to coexist with your partner. And you're, and I've had relationships in the past where I loved them and they were great and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But it was kind of hard to just coexist with them, you know. And at the

the other day, I just, do they weren't my person. I hear you. All right. Good luck. Okay. Thank you so much. You guys were so great. Can be posted when you break up. Okay. I'll keep you posted. All right. Thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate you. All right. Thanks for calling.