The Viall Files - E1124 - Ask Nick - He Wants To Meet Me In The Woods

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition!  Our first caller is stuck between two different men. Our second caller is 38 and in a situationship. And, our third caller's partner thinks her friend is treating her like her therapist "Hope this person doesn't kill me." ARE YOU A MESS BECAUSE OF YOUR SITUATIONSHIP? OR JUST IN GENERAL? Email [e-mail] with all your relationship questions and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes! Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content featuring updates from your favorite callers? Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + HERE: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter  To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Helix: Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall for 27% Off Sitewide. Exclusive for listeners of The Viall Files! Tonal: Right now, Tonal is offering our listeners $200 off your Tonal purchase if you go to https://tonal.com and use promo code VIALL. Shipstation: Try ShipStation free for 60 days with Full access to all features, no credit card needed! Go to https://shipstation.com and use code viall for 60 days for free! Kindred Beauty: Right now, Kindred Bravely is offering our listeners 20% off your first order when you go to https://kindredbravely.com/viall  FirstLeaf: Head to https://tryfirstleaf.com/viall to sign up and you'll get fifty percent off your first box PLUS free shipping for an entire year. Quo: Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://quo.com/viall  CarGurus: Buy or sell your next car today with CarGurus at https://cargurus.com  **To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles      Timestamps: 02:33 - Intro 02:46 - Caller One 33:22 - Caller Two 55:51 - Caller Three Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @the_mare_bare

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and so much more all I have to do is go to file files plus and you will be lucky you did good how are you good what's your name my name is brook and i'm 31 i'm getting to know two guys and trying to decide which one to pursue or move forward with uh tell me about them so guy a reached out to me on Hinge back in January, so a couple months ago. And he was preemptively searching on Hinge in my location, knowing he was moving here end of February. So we were texting, chatting until he moved here the end of February. And then we went on a couple dates. Things have been going really well. However, he is a wild and firefighter. And so he prefaced our getting to know each other by like letting me know that he would be

in and out of the area throughout the summer and the spring, just depending on where he was assigned. And so he's been gone out of state on an assignment for like the last three weeks. And so contact there has waned a little bit, but he's been like really effusive over text message, reiterated that he wants to get together again when he is back in town, which should be in like a week or two. but that's where things sit with him currently. And then Guy B was actually recommended to me by a coworker after I was complaining about the dating scene here. A couple of coworkers were like, do you know this guy?

I had heard of him just like through mutual friends. And so they made the connection. And I followed him on Instagram. And then I didn't message him, but he messaged me after my coworker then told him like, hey, I told her she should reach out to you. I think you guys have a lot in common. You should connect. And so now we've been texting, talking.

We've been talking in the phone for probably three weeks now. Really long phone calls. He does live on the other side of the state. So it's like a seven hour drive. But he works remotely and has the flexibility to kind of like move around the state. His job takes him around the state. And so we're actually supposed to meet up for the first time this weekend. Oh, so you haven't even met Guy too yet. No. Why do you feel like you need to decide right now between the two? I guess that is like part of my question is like at what point

do I need to decide to invest in one? I just want to be really intentional and with my energy and not waste anyone's time. And so I'm wondering if I should just assume that's going to organically come together. But I find myself comparing the two. And like always in the back of my mind, if I ask one a question, then I think about the response. The other one has given to that same question or would give. And so I'm just like playing mental ping pong as I'm talking to both of them.

Well, that's normal. And that's okay. I mean, at least you're, you know, nowadays like on dating apps, I think most people, are just like have you know what feels like unlimited matches you know they match with 10 people and they got five conversations going and it's just kind of like this very casual thing with like kind of zero intentionality and it's just like I don't think it's the end of the world for you to be like interested in two different men and even though it's incredibly early I mean one of them you haven't met in person yet and and like in both scenarios right you got guy a he's got this job that takes

him away for periods of time which slows things down for the two of you great that he's excited to see you again you know not to downplay his excitement at all but you know he's he's up in the hills fighting fires with a problem guessing a lot of other men yeah so i'd you know i get that he you know he's, he's probably really excited to go on a date, you know, when he comes back, you know, not to take anything away from his excitement about you, but it's great. That's, you know, and I only bring that up because, again, I don't know what, like, it's great that he is following up. That, you know, that doesn't, that's just a nice, that's a good, that's a good green flag. You know, things could change. But it also just really is just kind of early. I mean, one, I would

just make, go meet this meet guy B, you know, for sure. Yeah. Definitely could, uh, definitely could, might change things. Why do you feel like you have to make a decision sooner than later? Well, because now, like, my coworkers are invested in, like, how it goes with Guy B. Like, my dating life, I'm the only single person in my workspace. And so it's frequently, like, a top of conversation, my dating life and how that's going as a point of entertainment for all these married people. And so now they're invested after making this recommendation. and so they're like they're obviously rooting for guy B and that like weighs on me and then I'm gonna have to like it's a small town and a lot of people know this guy and I just feel like I'm

gonna have to like answer to that if I like pick differently yeah but you you know it's silly right I mean like it's your dating life and I does anyone get to be mad at you I mean I guess not but what do they like so much about this guy like who is this guy that they He works for a nonprofit all about wildlife conservation. He used to be a wildlife guide in the area, and so he really made a name for himself in the community, working for and spearheading conservation and policy around conservation. And so he just has been a fixture in the community for probably 12 plus years,

and he's a popular guy. So there's like some pressure to that. guess. A little local legend or something? Pretty much. It's like when I added him on Instagram, we had like a hundred mutual friends and that's in a small town. How much? I mean, how much have you talked with this guy? Like eight hours on the phone. That's a lot. I mean, do you enjoy it? Do you get excited? Is it just, has it been a lot of fun? It feels much more serious than guy A. And there is an age difference.

How old guy B? Guy B is 10 years older than me, which most of my exes have been 10 years or more older than me. Guy A is my age. And physically,

I'm more attracted to guy A. And I feel like that might be clouding my judgment. Maybe. But, you know, that's not like it doesn't matter at all. You know, Yeah. What do you like about Guy A other than his face? He just like, we have very similar banter, like dry sense of humor, lots of sarcasm.

And it flows very naturally. With Guy B, it feels more like we're kind of interviewing each other. And it feels very, like, serious. And he's just like reiterated. He's like, I'm not trying to like waste my time. I'm trying to be very intentional. and like I guess that's where some of the pressure to like pick comes from. I mean, you guys haven't even met yet, you know?

I know. But we're going to be meeting halfway. So we're both driving like three hours one way to meet up. And so there's like a lot of pressure in that sense to like not waste each other's time. I say this with love. Yeah. But and I, I am a busy guy. You know, I don't, you know, like I have any free time. But, you know, it's just a three-hour drive that it's not, you know, like I, you know, I'm no doubt you're busy. I no doubt your time is precious. I'm sure his is too. But do we have to make it so heavy that like this, I think you have a better, I think it's better for you to approach this as an adventure. Yeah. Right now you're approaching it as a job interview.

Yeah. It's a three-hour drive, you know, listen to a couple ask Nick episodes, maybe some other podcasts, whatever, you know, talk to some friends, maybe catch up with someone on the phone that you haven't in a while. In a while, enjoy the date. This idea that you guys are like, before you agree to drive three hours to meet up in the middle, you're like making each other promise that you're not going to waste each other's time. Like, you don't, you haven't met. And that just comes with the, you know, like when I met Natalie, right, right? You know, we met up in New York, you know, couldn't imagine me like, well, just before you get on that plane, don't waste my time. Like what, I mean, like, I was more, we were more like, hope this person doesn't kill me.

Yeah. Yeah, you know, we were essentially stranger. You have, you know, but I'm saying, you know, it's just like the friend element, the expectations, your friend, you guys have an, you have an audience already to this relationship. that hasn't even started. Yeah. And it's, you know, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, is someone you're interested in, you're probably putting too much pressure on it. Like, yeah, listen, I, you know, what do, what do you say to him when he's like, hey, I don't

want to like, what is he asking from you when he's this like, hey, I am really intentional about my dating life. And, and, and what is, um, my response is like agreement and just like, we both sympathize how difficult it can be to date in our area. Did you ask him like, well, what does that mean to you? Do you know? I haven't and I should. That'd be a good question.

Because you can be like, listen, I really appreciate, you know, as a woman hearing from a guy that he wants to be intentional, I appreciate your intentionality. At the same time, I do want to make sure that we're like not adding too much pressure on each other. Like obviously, my friends like you, they seem to like me. They want us to meet up. I've really enjoyed our conversation. but let's just see.

Let's just, you know, but let's be open to the possibility of really enjoying each other's company and let's be open to the possibility that we just might not. And that's okay, you know, but like let's just, let's have some fun here.

Let's, this is an adventure, you know, like meeting, going to meet up, you should feel the nerves and excitement, all in a positive way.

You shouldn't feel like, well, I hope my friends are disappointed and I hope this isn't a giant waste of my time. And it may or may not work out. Yeah. You know? Totally.

That's six hours in the, car, you could be, you could even be fairly productive. I bet, you know, he could get some work done in his three hours. You know what I'm saying? It's like, high, you know, it's like the idea that you guys are agreeing to meet up for, uh, and having to drive, but you're just like, all right, before I do this, you just, are you going to be my wife or, or what? You know, like, okay. Yeah. Maybe. And yeah, this isn't, okay, so. This isn't the first time that I've like driven far to meet up with a potential like interest. Given how small our area is, like you very quickly run out of matches on the apps.

And so my dating radius on the apps includes like the surrounding states. And so this is probably like the fourth time I've driven four or three hours to meet up with a guy. And I guess I'm not great at removing myself in the situation when it's not going well. And so typically that leads to like spending the night with these like ultimate strangers in like a hotel room or like this weekend. We're supposed to go camping. And it's like so if it's not going well, how do I just be like, wait. So you're driving three hours, not for like a dinner, but like for a weekend. Okay.

It's definitely different. Yeah. So it feels like a bigger commitment. And at what point do I like give myself the space to be like, is this going well or should I leave? Yeah, that's tougher. I mean, you're definitely, it's tough, you know, like you're going camping with him. Yeah. There's a, you know, how do you get out of that?

I don't know, which has led to some like awkward like hotel stays in the last couple of months where I just like, I'm going to say. sleep in the other bed and leave in the morning. Yeah, I mean, that's, but why, why not, can't you just have a dinner? I know it's a three-hour drive, but it's all right. Yeah. Like, do you have to commit to a whole weekend? No. But like, what if things are going well, then I want it to be the whole weekend.

Like, then there's that. Then you have the choice to stay. You're just not giving yourself some options, you know? Like it, you know, again, there's no right or wrong. I often, you know, I can give, I've, I've, I've, I've not taken advice. I've given other people, right? But I, general advice, I would, you know, to the ladies out there who, you know, who are getting on planes or getting in cars and meeting up with strange men that they've talked to or gotten to know via FaceTime. And it's literally how I met my wife. You know what I'm saying? And we spent the weekend together. There, you know, so there is that. But if you're unsure, I do, I'm just saying, I think it's, okay and I think any guy also that's just a good barometer right because put it this way if my if Natalie would have said hey listen really excited to meet you but like I just want to get my own hotel room and let's see how it goes I would have been like absolutely great you know like I would it's if if a woman you know expresses like this would make me feel more comfortable there's only one one correct

response from any decent man it's just like by all means great. Your comfort matters. I don't want to be a pressy guy. I don't want to be the guy that kind of made you feel a little weird unintentionally or intentionally. And so if you are planning these things, it is okay to like set expectations of like, I'm excited to meet you. I do want to take it slow. We'll see how it goes. Maybe we'll have the best time of our life. But like, and you need to give yourself out. And I think you have to communicate up front that like, you know, that you're doing that in a way. You can, you know, for the person who's getting out of plane or driving, you can always

not sleep in your own hotel room if it's going great, you know? Yeah. And is that a little bit of a waste, oh, I don't want to waste money on extra hotel room. I get it. But like, sometimes comfort can cost a little money, you know, extra leg room on a plane. You know, it's not free. And like, you know, when your comfort matters, you know, in dating and comfort is attached to safety, you know, when it comes.

to, you know, dating, you know, for a woman, I would, you know, you should prioritize that, you know, I mean, it sounds like this guy, you know, obviously a lot of mutual friends. I'm sure you feel pretty safe with this guy. Yeah. But yeah, I would give yourself some outs. And I think it's okay to communicate that like, you're not sure yet how this is going to go and you haven't met. And I mean, I, you know, another, it's just like, that should be a measuring stick. I mean, you're just, you know, I met, I had a, this is years ago, and there was this girl who lived in a different city, and we talked, and we had these, like, weekly, you know, like, weekly calls, and eventually I went to go see her. And, like, early, you know, I stayed at her place, you know, but prior to, and, like, there was, like,

some sexual tension leading up and some kind of wondering how things were go, would go. And then I remember, like, the couple days before, I sent some nerd. from her and I was like, yo, I just want to know, I, I know, no expectations, you know, other than like, let's just have a good time, you know, like, I know we've talked about like us being physical, but just, you know, that's not something, that's an expectation. And I just, I want, you know, she seemed to really appreciate that, you know, and I just think that's, that's something you should be not disappointing these guys in any way. It shouldn't really be a concern. It should, you should, you should wanted to hear them be, it's like the right guy should be a self-aware that they, you know,

it's, he's asking a woman he's never met to go camping with him. Yeah. And, and, and if I'm him, I would just want to make sure that you feel really comfortable. And that, and that comfort comes with, like, listen, just if at any moment you want to like end this date, just let me know. It'll, it'll be okay. And imagine if he said that to you. the piece of mind. Yeah, that, oh my God, you know. But like, it's okay for you to say that too if they're not going to say it. And how they respond matters. Yeah. You know, if you're like, well, why? I mean, that's like, okay. Like, what do you think I'm going to murder you? Like, that's weird. Like, again, any normal guy should not be, should not be offended by a woman

they've never met prioritizing their safety and not giving them the benefit of the doubt. I've talked enough of women in my life to know that every single woman I met has had a bad experience with a guy. Yeah. You know, various degrees, some more horrific than others, but every single one of them have been made to feel uncomfortable by what they thought was a fairly normal dude. Right. And, you know, that's important for you to understand that your partner at least knows that.

And if they don't know it yet, are open to hearing about it. Right. No, that makes sense. So, yeah, I mean, I would, if I were, I try to get better about that, you know. And before you go on this date, I think this would be a good practice with guy number B. Guy number B. Yes. Letter B, number two, whatever, guy B. Yeah. And I don't know. How would let me, how would you, how would you want to approach that? I think it like because we predominantly talk on the phone

it would be probably just telling him today or tomorrow like when we're confirming what time and where we're meeting up just being like hey if if things go great and we want to like keep things going we can definitely camp together but if we're not feeling it on either side then I'm probably going to head back home after we have or whatever.

Okay. How can we workshop this so it's a little softer in a way where... It feels very heavy. You know, listen, you could just be a little vulnerable. We're like, hey, before I... First of all, I'm really excited. I'm excited to see you. I'm excited to meet you.

I've had some good conversations. I'm looking forward to meeting you. It recognized that you haven't met him yet. Not like, I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with you. I'm looking forward to meeting you, you know. And I'm sure he can relate. Like, you know, I'm sure. You know, this is probably not the first time, you know, like, you know dating's hard. We live where we live. You know, we got to do this driving thing. But can I just, can I, you know, can I talk to you about something? You know, I'm just being a little vulnerable here. And hopefully he says like, sure. He's like, you know, I've, I've never done the camping thing. So that seems exciting. But like, I have driven to meet the other dates before. And sometimes it just feels like no matter how it goes because like we're meeting for the first time, I have found myself.

in like situations where I don't like I'm getting I get a little nervous and I've again I'm really enjoyed my time with you just you know but I just want to talk about like you know that and I want to be able to show up knowing that like I just want to know acknowledge that we're both like meeting each other for their first time and like let's just be open to like what are his expectations of the weekend you're camping is he expecting to have sex you know probably yeah you know I just like Just like, listen, I'm excited. It seems like an exciting weekend. I'm also just getting a little nervous because there's like, we're, you know, we're going from meeting each other for their first time to like spending a weekend together. And I just like, I just want to know it's okay that if,

if either if you or me, just like that it's okay that we end things shortly. I mean, again, it's a kind of tough conversation to have, but I think he just needs to be gentle. And as a 40 year old man, he should have the maturity. He should definitely know. Hopefully. And if not, then he probably does. I mean, he seems to be well liked, but it's just like, listen, I'm just like, it's just a lot to go meet a guy. I'm sure you're great, but I just want to make sure that, like, I want to feel comfortable doing it. And I just, we haven't met yet. And I just like, I want to be able to have that conversation with you and just talk it through with you. And I would just be curious what he said. And you should feel, if nothing else, like he is considerate about

you're you trying to express some hesitancy and possible discomfort without being offended. It shouldn't make it about him. Like, it shouldn't be hard to just be like, yeah, I'm literally asking this woman to go camping with me. Like, if nothing else, there already should have been jokes about like, I promise I won't murder you. Yes. You know, like, just to clear the air of like, just like, you know, how can I make you feel

more comfortable. Like I, you know, oh, we're going camping. We've never met. Like, I know he's a ranger. You know, I get it. It's his thing. But, you know, every, every true crime movie starts with, you know, I just went camping with him. You know, like, I'm, yeah. No, but you know what I'm saying? Like, you should feel comfortable talking to having this conversation is as awkward as it is, because it shouldn't be difficult for him to empathize with your concerns. And that will be a good, test to is this the guy, is this type of guy when I express my nerves or insecurity that he listens, he doesn't take offense, he gets it, he's mature enough to understand where I'm coming from, and that will make all the difference.

Yeah. If you can't have this conversation, if you can't have this conversation with this guy, and he can't make you feel like, hey, listen, I totally get it. No heart. Let's just go have some fun. Let's see where it goes. I think we're going to have a good time, but if at any point it doesn't, you just let me know because I would rather have you leave early than feel weird around me, you know?

Correct. And that is bare minimum. Yeah. You know, and he's either a type of guy who gets it or a type of guy who does it. And if he doesn't get it, you don't want to go camping with him. No, for sure. And so then in terms of like, if the weekend goes great and everything's good, I just keep talking to both.

Well, I mean, listen, once sex enters the equation, it gets a little messier. So you just, you know, take that into consideration. It's one thing to be going on dates with a couple different guys. You're entitled to do that. If you're sleeping with two different guys, they might feel a certain way about it. You might feel a certain way about it. It might get more confusing to you. I have hooked up with guy A.

Okay. It's not a crime. You know, you're not dating guy A. But, yeah, it's, I'm trying to make the same mistakes. that I have in the past. Are you okay with not having sex this weekend? Or whenever, whatever this is?

Yes. It doesn't sound like you're confidenting your decision. I'm just like, I tend to like get caught up in the moment and yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and listen,

if this is a guy who's older and more mature and he's talking about being intentional, you're saying, listen, you said you want to be intentional. Like I have a hensy of getting caught up in the moment. and sometimes things get physical before I feel like I really know someone and that kind of confuses my feelings. And I want to be upfront about that because, like, again, a guy who cares

about intentionality, a 40-year-old man should know that. Now, if he just wants to get laid, he will, he will still have sex, you know. But if he really cares about intentionality and you're saying, listen, I'm having a good time and I like you, but if we hook, up this weekend, I honestly might get more confused and more on, you know, and, and, and if we, I would like to, I'd rather just have a really nice time and see where things go. Yeah. Will he want to wait? Yeah. Ideally, we would wait. Yeah. There's a lot to do when you can't, you know. I bet, I bet he's camp before without getting laid. Probably. So, yeah, listen, I think there's a, you know, And then as far as, you know, listen, this week, it will tell you a lot, you know, you're spending a whole week, you know, this camping trip will tell you a lot.

Yeah. If you have a best weekend of your life, even if you don't have sex. But if you're just like, I don't know, he's a nice enough guy. It's not that, you know, I don't, you think you should, don't keep dating him because of your friends, that's for sure. Yeah. But guy, guy A, you know, again, you know, how, do you, what do you know about that potential? He's he's in and out. It's, you know, he's young.

He's younger. He's, because it has a job that's very unpredictable. Yeah. But he talked about all these things like we could do together this summer and like. Because it's like, like, because he's looking for a fun summer hangout. Like, you know. I don't know. That's what I'm saying.

It's just like maybe he has a more like, yeah, I, I, you know, he, he operates in seasons. So like, you're not looking to be his seasonal girlfriend. Right. But if that could be his lifestyle right now. Yeah. You know, it's one thing to meet a guy, hook up, have a good time, and be like, I just want to be up front. I'm going away for a bit.

Okay. Cool. But like, is that the norm? It's like, yeah, but if you date me, if I become your boyfriend, this is, this is the life, you know? Yeah. Are you interested in that? Yeah.

But like on his hinge profile, he said, like, I'm looking to like, this year I'm looking to find someone to. settle down with and start a family. And so, like, I don't know how true that is. Yeah, it's just on his hedge profile. Check in. I don't know. You should talk to him about that, you know. But like, he also like, how old is he again? 31. You know, I mean, an adult man. But he might not, what that means to him might mean something

very different from you. He might not be thinking, I have to make different choices to do that. He might be thinking, I'm looking for a wife to have my baby and take care of my kid while I go fight fires. I don't know. You know, some dudes like that. So you have to find out what that means to him. But I think right now more than anything, try not to put so much pressure yourself. You don't owe either of these guys anything. When you drive, go have, you know, it's an adventure, not a job interview.

Before you go, try to be vulnerable and open up to him about some of your reservations and concerns. It's more than normal and understandable. And it's a good measuring stick of this guy. If you can't make you feel comfortable in that conversation, maybe you shouldn't go. and this is an easy opportunity for him to make you feel comfortable. Yeah. Totally. Okay.

Was this helpful? It was. Yeah. I think I just like have to evaluate things as they happen, not trying to think like a month or two months down the road. Yeah. Checking with yourself and just there's, you don't have to decide. You know, it's just like you haven't met one guy.

You've had a couple dates with another one and he's gone. And you're like, I got to make a check. choice today. You know, you know, take your time, check in, and just have the conversations you need to have with these guys and get the information you need. And the nice benefit of this long distance that you have is that like it allows, it's sometimes easier to slow things down and check in with yourself and ask them conversations that you might otherwise be in a position if they were just like your next door neighbor or down the hall and things would just move fast because, hey, you want to come over? Yeah, come over. You know? And you might not find out.

he's the type of guy who is empathetic and understands that, like, you know, there are situations that might make you feel uncomfortable that have, you know, that are not his fault, you know, but here, this, like, you know, this camping trip, you know, I just like anytime, and I'm not trying to be, I'm moving some great guy, it's just like, any time that I met up with someone in, like, that situation, it was, it mattered to me that they felt comfortable and safe, you know, just that, hey, just so you know, like you're, it's, what, just tell me, you know, like, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable and just recognizing it's not a me thing that it's just, it's weird to meet a stranger. And yeah, it can get weird if it's, if it doesn't go great.

And for a guy to say, I won't be offended, I just, I'd rather you be comfortable than you to pretend to put yourself in a situation you'd rather not be in. Right. And what's crazy about, you know, it's crazy. Is this like, honestly, I, part of me saying, knowing that it would make her probably like me. You know, it's just like it, I meant it. But just that saying that just goes such a long way, you know? Yeah. I mean, one of the things, you have that conversation with Guy B,

because it will tell you a lot. Yeah. It will tell you a lot. I like that. Okay. Keep me posted. Sounds good. I want to know how this camping trip goes.

What you decide. Okay. Yeah, I definitely will. All right. Thank you. All right. Bye back. Thanks.

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How's it going? I'm good. Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm 38 years old. And I'm keep getting stuck in situationships that I just can't seem to get out of. Okay. Tell me about them. Well, I just can't give you a background. I really honestly also have not been in a relationship, probably, since if you would count high school. Yes. I, you know, went to college. I had a lot of fun in college. And then I got right into my career. And I was like working night shifts in my career. And every time I would like try to date some months, it would maybe last for about like four months. And I really felt like every time I was like putting in all the time. I was like putting in all.

the effort and I was never getting anything back. Okay. So my first, my most recent one, uh, was probably a year ago now. Um, it lasted about four months. And, you know, I went into it, met on like, hinge when it went into it with the, hey, I really don't, like, I don't want this to be a situation ship. That's not what I'm looking for. I was very upfront with what I was looking for that I'm looking to bring somebody into my life to enhance my life and hopefully be long term. Um, that was agreeable. It was all good in the beginning and then, you know, a couple months into it, I start feeling him kind of like pulling away and I'm like, again, putting in all this effort and getting them back. And it just seems to be the

story of my life. So when you meeting these guys on the app, like before you meet them, you're like, I'm not looking for a situation. That was when we first met. I didn't do that on the app. But like, when we met and I was like, just like, this is what I'm looking for. So if you're, if that's also what you're looking for, then let's continue. Yes. Now, like, at the end of the first day, in the middle of the first day, like... I mean, I think it was just... I mean, I don't remember exactly, but I think it was just, like, within the conversation of, like, what are you looking for? But at what, I guess, at what point did you decide that you wanted this to continue?

Like, what was it about him that you were like, oh, okay, like, I want to get to know this guy? I thought we had a lot of things in common. Like, we saw... We had a lot of views in common. We had a lot of, like, we like to do a lot of the same things. Like what? I really like to travel. He was the same. I'm like, work out. He, you know, like kind of the same likes. He really likes to cook. I love to cook. And it was so there was a lot of similarities of just a few examples. Okay. You not having like a boyfriend since high school is, is interesting. You must be doing something.

and you are more than capable of getting a boyfriend. And when you first started telling the story about your most recent one, when I'm hearing, and maybe I understand you're nervous. But what I'm hearing is, like, I don't know if this is accurate, but like what I heard is like you met a guy in an app, maybe communicated a few messages back and forth, agreed to go on a date. And early, at some point in this date, how long was the date?

A couple hours. So within a couple hours, you decided, that you wanted to like see if this could be a relationship. And then you decided to communicate a boundary, which is like, I don't want this to be a situation ship. And he was like, yeah, sure, I mean either. You know, because it's, you know, it sounds like you maybe did the thing that a lot of people do,

which is like you went to make this a relationship mode, whatever that means to you, you know, which is to like act like, you know, just to play house or, you know, just to feel like, all right, let's see if I can make him my boyfriend. There. Is this accurate? It's, it's, no, it's, it's definitely fair.

You know, I think I, I was just, I'm tired of doing the same old thing, and I just wanted to be upfront. What's the same old thing? Well, I just feel like the, you know, the last couple times that I've dated somebody, it's, you know, not with, without leading into, you know, I don't want a situation. It goes good for a little while. And then, you know, then I feel like I'm alone and, like, putting in the effort. to either see each other or hang out and things like that. Like they start pulling away. So like you go on this date, you decide, okay, I'm interested.

I don't want this to be a situation ship. He's like, yeah, cool. And it sounds like you stop kind of checking in with yourself or with him. You just, you know, it's like it almost sounds like you go into this like, all right, I'm going to do my thing. My thing is like I'm going to show him how I am as a girlfriend. Like I'm going to be his girlfriend and I'm going to show him. and I'm going to be really nice and I'm going to be attentive.

And I'm going to, when he wants it, when he asks something of me, I'm going to do that. And then you're, you're also hoping by doing the things that you are willing to do as a girlfriend and as a partner that he will be like, oh, wow, she's doing this. I should do that too. Unconsciously, yes. And, but you're not really just like getting to know them. I can see what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah.

It's kind of how it sounds. I mean, it's. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I'm just trying to figure out how, how to go about this and how to meet somebody and how to, like, obviously, like, apparently on the problem. So. I mean, like, you know, listen, you're the, you're the, you're the consistent factor, but it just sounds like you're not allowing things to happen. Okay. And it is frustrating for sure to dating is, you know, everyone's frustrated dating right now. So you're not alone. And they're all just things we can do a little bit differently. But I guess just tell me more about some of these other situations that you've been a part of.

I mean, I feel like they're kind of all the same thing. It's just like you meet on the app, you go out, you have a great first date, you have a good second date. You know, you keep seeing each other. You hang out, you know, when there's the, you know, mutual time. And, you know, things seem great for a while. And then they kind of dwindle out. When was the last time that you met up with a guy on a date? There was initial interest from you.

You're like, oh, I had a nice first date. And then at any point afterwards, when was the last time you were like, you know what? As I've gotten to know him more, I'm just, I'm not that interested. I mean, it was definitely before this last one. So like over a year ago, because I honestly have not gone on dates. Okay. of took a break. Okay.

Felt like I needed time. So it was definitely before that, but I have definitely had dates where I've gone on first dates and been like, no, I don't think that I want to continue this. Not the first dates. So like, you go on a date, step one, okay, right? Yes. You like them. You have a good date.

You're interested. You're like, okay, all right. You know, he's nice. We both like to travel. There's some common interest. once you get past let's say date three and like once you're like okay i want to i want i want i don't want a situation ship like when was the last time that you then changed your mind about someone um i don't honestly don't remember because i think if i've lost interest it was it was pretty

quickly on so yeah do you do you see how that might be an issue yes here's how i'm hearing you date you meet someone and you go on a first date and essentially on a first date you are deciding whether you're into them or not. And if you're not into them, you're not into them. All right. No second date. But if you are into them, you're all, you're just all in immediately. You decide after one date whether you like someone, you know, and if you decide that you like

someone, then you're just like committed to like making them your boyfriend. Yeah. Yeah. I can definitely see where that. Is that true? Or am I just making an inaccurate. assumptions. No, I mean, I wasn't aware of it. But when you say it, you know, it does, you know, I wasn't really aware that I was doing that. I was just trying to to put an effort and

try. But I can definitely see how it cut, like, well, like, I guess have, have confidence that if you meet someone where there's a shared mutual emotional connection and you feel like they're reciprocating in all aspects of how you guys hang out. out that you're going to be a good girlfriend, you know, that you're going to be a good partner, that you know how to show up. But you are showing up for relationships that don't exist yet, and you are showing up for people who might not deserve it yet. And you're not focused on building a connection and getting to know someone. You're focused on making them your boyfriend. It's two very different things. Half of these guys, you probably don't even really like or even

honestly know that well. Right. And then no doubt. out, they probably feel that energy. You know, it's just like, they're like, I've got on four dates with this chick, and she's just, man, she's like, really planning our lives together, you know? It's like, you know, and they might just want to feel like, hey, let's go on a fourth date, you know,

keep some mystery, you know? Yeah. And things like that. How quickly are you guys being intimate with a guy that you... That I like. I mean, like probably like third or fourth date. Okay. Definitely not the first. I don't.

What's the difference between a third and a first and a third? I don't know. I guess I feel like, I don't know if I'm like, I don't know, like, it feels, I guess I just do it when it feels like right, like when I felt, but I like purposely like don't really go home with people on the first date, you know. No, I get it. But I'm just like, objectively, just taking a step back. If we were just like two friends, like, what is the difference?

Not necessarily how you feel, but like just a, like, think about someone else. Like, okay, you're, I have a friend sitting right here, you know, they're like, hey, I never have sex in the first date. But on the third date, I tend to, yeah, that's when it usually happens. And I'm just wondering, what's the difference between a first and a third date in big picture? No, I definitely hear you. I can't give like an answer, a specific answer, but there's okay. Maybe there isn't a difference is maybe kind of my point, you know? And again, it's one of those things.

where you we tell ourselves things and again like obviously there's a lot of shame and judge me we got hookup culture sex is more normalized but at the same time we've we've comforted ourselves by being like oh I don't want to be a ho so I won't I won't have sex on the first date you know because society might like thinks you know I will judge myself or my you know my friends will tease me whatever but if I wait for a third date you know I'm I take it slow and you just kind of you know we tell ourselves these narratives and they become true you know we don't consider if we make sense you know, if our decisions are actually helping us, or is it just something to make us feel good about our choices? Yeah. And I think your frustration comes from, you're not allowing yourself

to get to know these guys. And it's, you know, in your head that you haven't, like, had a boyfriend in so many years. And now it's like you're just like trying to make someone your boyfriend. I think that was a really great move that you took a break. When you get back out there, just be, okay, just trying to meet some of these guys. Do you have a therapist? No, but I probably should. I don't think that's an idea. Listen, I just like, I think this is something that this is going to be an ongoing thing for you. You know, there's a bit of a, you know, a confidence boost you're going to need, you know? I think it would be really helpful for you to find someone that makes you feel good like a therapist, just reminds you of your value. We all have it. So it's easy for us to

forget that sometimes when we're struggling a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. And that could be really helpful because like you're just if it sounds like you're doing this alone you know do you have girlfriends you talk to this about oh yeah yeah what do they say i mean definitely not the perspective like definitely different perspective i think from like what you're saying like you know just you know basically like they're you know kind of just not that into you right like that's kind of what they're giving off yeah but i don't think that's your problem i mean listen not everyone not everyone's into us right yeah but like you're clearly someone that people should be and can be an are into. But what you're a, you know, you're just, I don't think you're showing up,

honestly, as yourself in these relationships. You're probably in your head a little bit. You're showing up in a, honestly, like more at a place of fear. Like you, you show up not wanting to be rejected, you know, in a way. And even that question of like, I don't want this to be a situation ship. Has any guy ever said, oh, well, I do. So we should end it? Has that ever happened? No. It's always kind of, you know, like we're going to kind of see each other, see how it goes and see what happens. Yeah. I think you have, you know, like, yeah. So I think it's just something this is you need to work on. And I think a therapist might be able to find the right therapist that is helpful. You got to get your confidence back. Yeah. And the biggest thing is when you go on dates,

I think you just need to slow down and really try to figure out, you have to go into these first dates being like, I don't know if I'm going to like them. And if you have a good first date, Just see it as that. I had a nice date with this guy. We'll see. I don't know yet. I still don't know yet. Even if you want to tell yourself I like him. And if you want to have sex on the third date, have sex on the third date. But don't tell yourself it's any difference in the first date. Yeah. Certainly not for him. And you just kind of fast forward things. You go on this first date. You decide if you like them. Then you do the, you have. And then you're like, okay, well, I'm going to communicate my boundaries. My boundaries is I don't want a situation. I want a relationship. He agrees to my boundary. You're like, all right, I did the right. I did the right. thing. I communicated. Now we can start dating. Okay, well, now we can start dating. Now I can sleep with them. And now I'm like, I'm doing it right, you know? And like in a way, I feel like you're telling yourself, you're kind of checking these boxes. So then you're like, okay, third or fourth date, you hook up with them. In reality, you have no, you barely have any rapport. You had a couple nice conversations with the guy. You have sex. And, you know, that definitely, from a lot of men changes like the

equation a little bit. You know, I don't know. I don't know why. Sex is something that is certainly, it's a mystery, it keeps people interested, you know, whether it's the idea of sex or wondering what it might be like, you know, and you can use that to your advantage, you know, by keeping that mystery alive. But like it seems like right now, you're waiting for that permission for a guy who says, I want to, I claim that I want to be in a relationship. And then you start like being in a relationship with a guy on a second date. Yeah. and I would try to slow down and it's okay to go on five or six dates with the guy and still have a, you know, and talk to your girlfriends. I'd be like, you know, he's really nice.

We had a good time. And our first date, we went mini golfing or second date. He cooked me dinner. It was really nice. We had a nice makeout session. Kissed a little bit. I would have been busy. And then, you know, we went on a nice walk on our third date and I'm still getting to know him.

And, you know, we had a nice conversation about his family and upbringing in our third date. and he still seems like an interesting guy. And yeah, things are moving along nicely. But we'll see, you know, I don't know. Like, I'm still getting to know him. And like, you know, that more of that mindset. Yeah. You know, by the fourth date, you're kind of planning a future and he's not there yet.

And, you know, and I think that's where the disconnect happens. Yeah. No, I agree. I honestly definitely was like an unconscious thing from, you know, of that. I wasn't realizing that was what I was doing. Yeah, I mean, that's pretty typical. We often, it's hard to, you know, but again, I think, I think this is not something you're going to solve overnight. And I think it would be helpful for you to find someone who can give you kind of some objective feedback and that someone you can check in with.

Girlfriends aren't always the best at giving relationship advice, especially if you've never heard feedback like this. Maybe whoever, you know, it's like, I don't know how helpful it is for you to hear that they're just not that end to you. Right. That's always like, oh, and then he wasn't the one, you know, like, it's always just like, you know, their support, their girlfriends. So they're supportive of, yeah, of you. And, you know, like, okay, well, if he's like pulling away like that, then like, you know, screw them. Like, go, bye. Yeah. I mean, it's definitely something with your, something about your approach. Like, yes, definitely some of these guys were just simply not your guy. That's, right. You know, you were going to find that out either way. But the simple fact that

you've never been able to do, you know, move it forward and, and you can acknowledge that, like, again, like, just you asking that question on her first date and then kind of focus on making your boyfriend tells me a lot, you know, that you're just, you're not, you're not, again, I think the, you're not showing up as yourself. I don't think these guys are really getting to know you. You're probably getting a little anxious once, you know, you, it's just like it's, you're trying not to fail. Yeah. And as opposed to just, just, getting to know someone and deciding how it's going and being willing to change your mind about someone even after a good first date. Yeah. And that might make you feel empowered that like,

hey, I went on four dates with the guy. First couple dates were pretty good. Third or fourth date, I don't know. There's some red flags. And I don't, you know, I just don't know. I just don't think is it for me. And then you end it. Yeah. Honestly, it might make you feel like it might be a confidence boost you need because you decided for yourself and you weren't rejected. But again, I think there's some things you might want to work on. You know, some, maybe there's an attachment style or something. I'm not, I'm no expert in that, and I'm not in a position to diagnose. But again, there's something that's caused you to not show up as yourself on these dates.

And it's hard to meet someone and hard to fall in love of someone when you're not showing up as yourself. Right. And trying to figure out how you can do that more consistently would go a long way. Okay. Because, like, you have a lot to offer. I think so. Yeah, it's just finding that balance.

Yeah, no, I agree. It'll definitely give me a different way to mindset to go into it. But yeah, I mean, it's someone who feels like they're constantly falling into situationships. You know, it sounds like you're always that hopeful person. It's safe to say, yeah, you're not expecting as much as you should from these people. And that's not the same as just like showing up with a bunch of like do's and don'ts. Like I'm dating it. But if you just want to have sex, don't bother messaging me. It's like, you know, okay. That's just like a challenge sometimes. Yeah. I just think with like the,

you know, people like seem to not, and I think I've heard you say this on like that people don't seem to not want to like commit and stuff. So like I guess like my mindset, I'm like, okay, well, if I go out there and say like this is what I'm looking for, I like, even if we're not like looking for the same thing, then this is probably do we even bring it further? And I guess that that wasn't the right. Yeah, it's hard to communicate. Yeah, it's, you know, it's, there's a difference between at the end of the day, a lot of people aren't, are noncommittal because that's kind of how society is versus people out there being like, hey, raising their hand as I'm noncommittal. Like, like it's, it's similar to like when I say like everyone says they're loyal. Most people don't

say I have commitment issues or I don't want to commit right now. It's always like, yeah, I want to settle down someday. And maybe you're the person. I'll settle down. but I don't know. Right. You know, it's more like, it's more like that. You know, everyone wants to chase. Everyone wants to feel like the person they chose was hard to get. So when you, just remember that. Be careful how much you share early on. Like, don't leave, I've never had a boyfriend. Yeah, I don't, I don't like throw that like out there when I'm going on dates. Good. But more than anything, you, my guess is early on, you're too available, you're too accommodating. Showing guys especially in the first five dates how considerate and attentive and how understanding, empathetic and how much you're willing to be there for them early on generally doesn't work.

Yes. I see that. Be mysterious. Let them get to know you. Be busy. Be unavailable. Have another date. Because again, until you really, it takes time to build an emotional connection.

And until you really build an emotional connection, you really feel like you're sharing things consistently and you're building this trust where you don't have to wonder how they feel about you. Until you really can feel that confidently, then you're still a free agent. You're still out there. And you can get to know someone while still being busy and prioritize your girlfriends and prioritize your job and, you know, prioritize the fact that you are still single and available and you don't have to drop everything for some guy you just met just to. prove to him that you're a loyal, you know, available girlfriend. Right. They have to earn that right to have that type of consistency from someone. Yeah.

And guys will take that for granted until the end of time. You know, everyone wants to chase, a challenge. Everyone wants to feel like, you know, this was tough. You know, so make it a little bit more tough for them. Okay. Okay. Is this helpful? Yes.

No, it's very helpful because, like I said, I've never. looked at it the way you've said it, but it makes a lot of sense. But also, I would encourage you to look into therapy. I mean, it's helpful for me. And don't take it as, please don't take that as like a... No, I know it's a good thing. Yeah. It's just, you got a lot going on. You know, we all do in your head. And my guess is when you go on dates, you need someone to help you slow down a little bit to remind you of these things. And when you get done with dates, it would probably be helpful to decompress with someone who can help you be a little bit more objective than some of your girlfriends. Right. And that

could go a long way. But make sure when you're looking for a therapist, it's not just someone who's also ends up being a girlfriend who just likes listening to your story. You know, make sure you feel like you're getting help, you know, you might have to search for therapists for a little bit. Okay. All right. I will do that. All right. I appreciate the call. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye. Bye. Well, if you're like me, a good glass of wine at the end of the day, and I've been spending a lot of time of my mother-in-law. And while Natalie is pregnant and can't enjoy it with us, my mother-in-law and I, At the end of a long day, we'll crack open a bottle of red. And we get that bottle from First Leaf.

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No credit card needed. Go to Shipstation.com and use code V-I-A-A-L for 60 days for free. 60 days gives you plenty of time to see exactly how much time and money you're saving on every shipment. That's shipstation.com code V-I-A-L. Shepstation.com code V-I-A-L. How's it going? Good. My name is Emma. I am 30 years old. And my question is that my boyfriend thinks my friend induces me as a free therapist, and I just want to know if he's right or if he's overreacting. Okay. Like, are you a therapist? Not, no. I do have, like, my bachelor's in psychology, and I'm hoping to, like, soon hopefully start my master's, and I do want to become a therapist.

Okay. But at the end of the day, it's like a feel like a friendship kind of should be reciprocal, you know? Okay. In a way. I mean, like, why is it a problem for you and your boyfriend? Let me ask you that. Like, if you are, in fact, offering counsel to your friend and she's finding it helpful and let's say this is in lieu of her actually getting a therapist certainly like I mean I guess it's like if

you did your friends taxes you might charge them I guess I don't know but what's the actual issue does you like yeah so I'm gonna try to like go real fast we've got kind of me and my friend we've been friends for almost five years now we may at work we both started at the same time I used to teach, not anymore. So our first year teaching, it was kind of like we had a bond because we were new teachers and stuff, but it was mainly just work. Over the summer, over a break, we kind of hung out a few times.

So it kind of developed more into what I would call like a friendship and not just like a work relationship. And then it wasn't until like what maybe two, three years ago. It was the first time that we kind of started talking about relationships and all of that. And she was talking to this guy. I didn't necessarily like agree with it. But I was just like taking it as she's venting to me as a friend, not coming to me for advice as like a therapist. Okay.

If that makes sense. I would kind of tell her my opinion. My boyfriend said like, you sugarcoat things. And I'm like, well, I don't see why I should be rude to her. Right. Like at the end of the day, she's my friend. Is your boyfriend listening to this stuff? Oh, sometimes.

Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes we would go out to dinner like. me and him and then her. Okay. And he would, he would disagree with the advice you would give her? Or he?

He wouldn't disagree, but he would tell me that I was too nice. Okay. Like that, I was sugar-coded. Can you give me an example of, of? Yeah,

for example, the first time she came to me was she was talking to a guy who was in jail. Okay, okay. Okay. Yeah. Like I told her,

I said, you're 23. Like, you have a career going for you, You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Like, I don't understand why you necessarily have to talk to somebody in jail. But if that's what you want, like, you know, if that makes you happy, that's fine. I didn't really find an issue until, I guess, things started getting more serious with that guy.

And it got to a point where she stopped going out because he would get mad if she would go out because he's in jail. And then that's kind of when I was like, that's dumb. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. That's pretty direct. Yeah. Did you tell her that? Yeah, I did. But, and then she was just kind of like, well, I don't know. Like, we've had history. So, and she kind of kept talking to him for a while. I guess I'm just still trying to figure out what is the actual problem. Okay. So the problem that happened recently was like a month ago.

Okay. And she started talking to another guy. who recently who's going through a divorce and has a one-year-old. Okay. Better than prison. Correct. So I told her, from the beginning, I said, hey, like, I don't know him, so I don't know, right, like, his intentions. But I just want you to know, like, it seems that he's not emotionally available right now, or if he is, like, he just doesn't really have a lot of time for you because he also works out of town.

She said she was okay with that, and I'm like, okay, that's fine. Then two weeks ago, we hang out again. She's catching me up on it. And then she's venting to me how she's not happy because he's constantly posting on his story but doesn't reply to her. And then he was supposed to like come see her on the weekend and he didn't. And then I told her, I said, okay, well, then what are you getting from him? Like him not being able to see you on the weekend sometimes I get it because he has a kid and he has to go see his kid. I said, but he can't even text you back, then like, you know, what's up with that?

Yeah, yeah. And she didn't like that. And so she literally, she told me, she said, you know what? Sometimes I feel like you just don't want me to be happy. And when she told me that, I was like, well, if that's like really what you think, then I don't understand why you keep coming to me for relationship advice. And then she replied and she said, well, it took your boyfriend three years to finally get a good job. So I don't even know why you're talking.

And then that's kind of like, that's a comment that really rub me the wrong way. Because in my head, I was like, you were talking to somebody that was in jail first. Now you're talking to somebody who's going through a divorce and has a baby. It's like you're comparing apples to oranges. Yeah. And then my boyfriend wasn't here when that happened, but I did tell him about it because it was the first time that I guess she did anything that kind of bothered me. And then he got upset about it. He was like, to be honest, like, I've never liked it from the boyfriend.

beginning. I don't even know why you're still friends with her. And I told him, I said, well, I don't know because, like, I thought we were friends. When we go to dinner, we talk to each other. I've never had, like, an issue with her just because you don't like her doesn't mean that she's a bad person. So that was that. Then she didn't really talk to me for, like, two weeks. So what do you want out of this? And what are you having a hard time figure out? Because I guess I don't, like, I agree. I understand why my boyfriend is upset. And I'm also upset. And I'm also upset. at my friend, but he wants me to like stop being friends with her. And I don't know if I feel like that's a little bit too much. What do you think? I mean, well, she, my thing is that I told her,

I said a boundary that I said, okay, we're no longer, you're no longer coming to me for a relationship advice if you really think that I don't want you to be happy. So that's a boundary that I say. She didn't talk to me for like two weeks and then she texted me and she didn't, she didn't apologize or anything. She literally texted me asking for advice. on the guy. Yeah. I mean, listen, I don't know your friend that well. It sounds like she's just struggling for whatever reason to make like healthy decisions for herself. And I think here's here's, here's this one bit of advice, right, in the sense that like you and I were, we're having a conversation. You're asking me for some advice. I'm giving free advice and I'm happy to do it. It's fun for

me. Like it's, I enjoy like any part of this that allows me to help people out, right? Like if this is in fact helpful. At the same time, like, I have a directness to how I deliver stuff. I guess I enjoy this, right? I enjoy doing this. But with that, I guess there's like, you know, you are talking about, like, people being unhappy with certain aspects of their life, which is why they're asking for advice, right? So I guess what I'm saying is like, you know, there's a part of you that must enjoy it, right? Like, it's nice to have someone come to you and say, hey, can you help me? Can you solve my problems? Like, they think of you as like a, you know, someone's opinion they respect. And if you're going to give direct feedback and criticize their choices, expect that it's going to hurt a little bit, expect that it's

going to sting. You know, it doesn't matter if you're right. You're still judging a little bit. So especially like, you know, I've had to learn this. If you're going to give really, you have to make sure that you are softening the blows and have to be empathetic and you have to be understanding. You have to try not to be judgmental. You have to come from a place of love, right? So the fact that you gave some harsh feedback to her and then she responded. with, you know, various kind of, you don't want me to be happy or your boyfriend sucks or whatever. Yeah, listen, hurt people, hurt people. She felt hurt by what you said. And so, like, it created this tension, right? Now you're thinking, okay, well, that was hurtful. I'm trying to help. I will say,

if you're going to give friends advice, you have to be mindful of, I guess, the role you're playing in their life. And I think it's maybe a little bit more productive for you to say, hey, it doesn't seem like you enjoy my advice. Maybe you're just not finding it helpful. And I, you know, listen, I'm not a therapist and I'm just going to give you my best advice. I do want what's best for you and I do want what's happy. I do want to see you happy. And then again, like you wanted an apology. You didn't get an apology. She asked for advice later. What did you do after she asked for advice again? Did you give the advice or did you try to, you didn't? No. I told no. I told her because it was kind of like, before this situation happened, I didn't. I was happy to give it the advice. You know, I love.

her and I care about her as a friend. I want her to be happy. I think she's a good person. I want her to find like a good, healthy person, like guy, you know? And so I guess maybe it is kind of like, it's, it's, this is what the third or fourth guy that it's like, I guess I would say not good for her. And the only thing that bothers me is that because of what she said, like, I feel like you don't want me to be happy. I said the boundary of like, okay, then for our friendship to still continue, you, then we're not going to, please don't come to me for relationship advice. I tried to set that boundary and then she doesn't talk to me. The next time she talks to me, it's her asking for relationship advice again.

What did you say to her? I just told her. I said, I love you and I care about you as a friend, but I'm sick into what I said. I no longer feel comfortable giving you a relationship advice. And she just replied, LMFAO, okay. Okay. I mean, yeah, I mean, like you, you, you know, you set that boundary. you enforced it. I mean, it might just take care of itself. I mean, she, it sounds like you're older than her, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Three and a half years. So, you know, with that age difference, she probably looks up to you and a big part of your friendship is centered around her asking you for advice. Sometimes, you know,

another thing you have to be mindful of when people ask for your advice is they're probably not going to take your advice at first. It's like, and people can find that frustrating. It's like, oh, why am I giving you advice that you're not going to follow. If you're really not comfortable, like, what's your biggest reason for not wanting to give her advice anymore? Uh, I guess just, I don't know, like, because then it just creates other questions that if you really think that I don't want you to be happy, then why are you my friend? I mean, again, I guess what I'm saying is you, you're, that really, that obviously that comment really stuck with you, it bothered you, but like, you just, you just, you just have to understand that, like, that's how she felt in that moment.

she was frustrated. She, whatever you said triggered her. Her actions say otherwise. The fact that she keeps coming to you for advice means that she obviously like, trust your advice, you know. Doesn't mean she's going to take it. Doesn't mean she's necessarily going to listen, you know, but she is at least interested or respect your advice enough to ask. Most of us don't ask anyone for advice.

But I don't think, I don't, I'm guessing is she didn't, she doesn't believe that is what I'm saying. Right. I mean, I don't think so either, but then it's also kind of like, she, I mean, I guess it's like at some point, I also don't feel like I should be her punching back. You know what I mean? Don't think you should be her punching bag either. You know, again, like it's, so that's a couple different things, right? You know, and again, like, I think when your response is probably a little heavy in the sense that you're this like, hey, I don't feel comfortable giving you advice anymore. And which is, I guess, true. I mean, it may, like, do you guys goof around or do you guys, do you guys goof around or? joke or is it just is it really just your whole relationship is this kind of heavy conversations around her her relationship problems most of the time yeah like there there are times like in the summer we'll have cool days and you know all of that and most of the time like we're in the I mean I have a

baby so I'm like looking after my baby and we're hanging out listening to music stuff like that but when we go out to dinner most of the times when we hang out it it is like she does come to me with like a relationship issue. And I guess like it was her response. I feel like I wasn't too harsh. Like I literally asked her and I'm like, well, him not coming to see you on the weekend, that's understandable because he also has to go see his baby.

I told her, I said, but I think the bare minimum is him replying to your messages and he's not. So I didn't think that was harsh for her response to be like, well, I don't think you want me to be happy. Yeah, I mean, listen, it doesn't matter what you said. obviously whatever you said triggered her, you know, she got upset. She said something that was hurtful.

She's probably just frustrated. You know, your friendship, you're a little older. She looks up to you, right? There's a little bit of like mentor, mentee, parent child kind of, you know, you, she's asking your advice. You're telling her no. She's throwing a little bit of a temper tantrum. You don't want me to be happy. You don't want, you know, it's just like, I think this is the best thing to do is just not try to match her energy, you know, of anger, you know, and just kind of understand that like she's as frustrated. But what was the last thing you, like, where did things leave with her? Was that the last time you spoke with her when she's texted you LMFAO? Yeah. You haven't spoken since?

Mm-hmm. Well, how long ago was that? Like two weeks. Okay. What do you want to, like, what do you want to do going forward? Well, my thing is, like, I feel like I want to have a conversation with her. Because I feel like in all the years of our friendship, like, there's never been a situation where, like, I've asked much from her until this time around.

I don't know why. You know, like you said that I hurt her feelings and like she hurt my feelings too. But I don't like confrontation because I feel like I really try to sugarcoat things. And in confrontation, it gets to a point where like I get triggered and I'm like, okay, you're a grown ass adult. Why am I still sugar coating it? Like I'm trying to because, you know what I'm saying is not clicking. I mean, listen, yeah, maybe at the end of the day, like is most of your friendship centered around you giving her advice she doesn't listen to? Yes.

So that's what I'm saying like I maybe maybe this friendship has run its course. I mean if you're kind of exhausted with giving her a bunch of advice and now you're realizing at the end of day she never really listens to it. But like, you know, she, you know, because to me it sounds like you're feeling a little used at the end of the day. It's just like what she wants is someone to, you know, tell her stories to. And maybe she wants someone to agree with her. You know, maybe it's not like maybe she's not looking for advice as much as she is looking for the validation. in the form of asking your opinion, but, you know, having an expectation of what that answer is. You know what I'm saying? Maybe it's that. And now you've, you're kind of getting frustrated with the

fact that she's not taking your advice. And in addition to that, she's being frustrated with you. And she's saying things that hurt your feelings. And then she kind of rips on your boyfriend, which, you know, you find frustrating. And now it's just like, I don't really want to do that anymore. And you haven't heard from her in two weeks because, like, all she really wants to do is, get that validation for you. So maybe it's run its course, you know. I mean, if there's nothing else in this friendship, if that's what your friendship is mostly been based off of, then you're realizing that. Yeah, because it's one thing for her to like not take my advice, but I think was this last time like just coming at me when it's like, well, you came up to me for advice

and it was, I don't know. And then like, yeah, my boyfriend. I mean, I call him my boyfriend, but he's pretty much, I guess, my husband. We live together. We have a baby together. And he just said this last time, like, he felt very disrespected, like, at his own house and stuff. So then I don't know if I'm just letting his feelings, like, cloud of mine. Well, I mean, what do you think? I feel like that if I wasn't bothered about the situation, it would be a lot easier for me to tell him, like, you're overreacting. But I think the fact that I also feel some type of way about the situation.

And then him saying something, it's like making me be like, wait, is he right? like it does she pretty much just use me as her free therapist and that's it that the better way to frame that question is is your whole relationship based off of her just going to you to tell you her drama for the most part yeah before i moved in with my boyfriend so like the first two years of our relationship it was kind of like we weren't hanging out that much and it was like oh like what guy are you talking to how's that going and it was you know back and forth but what for the past three years or so it has been pretty much every time we hang out. It's like another relationship problem. And if you're getting sick of that and finding it frustrating, if you feel like, hey, you never ask me about me how I'm doing

or, you know, just kind of maybe going out with the girls and just having a good time, maybe it's just not serving you anymore. As far as like, yeah, she said something, you know, next time maybe don't tell your boyfriend if he doesn't need to know in terms of what she, like, I don't know how productive if it was to tell him that little, like, you know, because what she said came from a place of anger. What did you want your boyfriend to do about it when you told him? Nothing. I was kind of been, I was venting to my boyfriend. Gotcha.

Okay. Right. Because it was kind of more like, because when that conversation happened, like, when she told me that she doesn't want me to, that I don't want her to be happy, it wasn't like just a combo. It's like she started racing her voice. And it got to the point that I almost kicked her up the house because I was like, I'm not trying to like yell and argue in front of my child. So it was kind of more like I, after he got home that day, it was me talking it out with him

kind of that. But his reaction, I mean, I guess yeah, I didn't really help the situation in a way where he also gave me his feedback, which he didn't like it. So then it kind of, instead of me just venting to him and getting over it, it kind of kept it going in my head. Gotcha. Listen, it sounds like maybe this friend is just like, again, you might have to re-evaluate this friendship. If you were to continue this friendship, what would you want from it?

For her to respect the boundary that don't come to me with a relationship advice or relationship advice? What does that friendship then look like? You've told me, all right, almost our entire relationship is that. Like, she comes to me to tell me her stories, ask for a relationship advice. You're also telling me, I have this new boundary. And that boundary is, don't come to me for relationship advice. So what does that friendship look like? And what do you want for it? What's the point, if you're telling me, our whole friendship is based off me giving her advice, but I don't want to do that anymore, what is the point of this friendship? And if this friendship continues, what do you want from this friendship? I mean, I guess I would just like it more of like when

we see each other to kind of catch up each other with stuff. But what I'm talking about is, for example, the last time that she texted me, she texted me was like three screenshots of like notes that she had written to send. to the guy and she wanted me to give her note, like edit and annotated for her. So that's what I'm saying. That to me is a little excessive. Like now if we had a dinner like dinner planned and then we're like, oh, how have you been? And it's like, oh, I was talking to a guy and didn't work out, blah, blah, blah, blah,

kind of like Zav. Not necessarily be on call for whenever she needs advice on relationship ASAP, if that makes sense. Yeah, she just might not be in a place to, you know, it sounds like your life is, sounds like it's going well and you have like this contentment, you have your child, you have your, your partner. I'm sure you have your good days and bad days, but like you're content in a good way. She's not. She's like the opposite of that. She's scrambling for contentment.

She's bringing a different energy in her life. And so maybe you guys just aren't lined up right now. But I guess what I'm trying to say, and before I let you go, is like, it's good to set a boundary and enforce a boundary, but you have, you know, what do you want from this relationship? you do want to continue this friendship. Communicating a boundary is one thing, but also communicating your expectations, what you want and try to put a positive spit on it.

You know, like at the other day, if you want to be friends with her, she is someone who needs validation. And, you know, you also have to recognize that, like, on some level, she's not happy with her life right now.

And she does want to be happy. Yeah. And she sees you as happy, you know, and I get that, but I guess it's also kind of like more, I do tend to be the very understanding friend. And so I guess it's kind of like to a point, when is it okay for me to be like, okay, well, I also am asking you to be a friend to me sometimes. Does that make sense? Yeah, but you have to ask that, right? Like all of you said to her is, via text, I no longer feel comfortable giving you advice. That's a heavy text. That implies she makes you feel uncomfortable. There's like almost a, there's an accusation there. You make me, you know, like no one wants to be told that they make.

someone uncomfortable and that none of that was like what you did want it was just like what you're not willing to do you're like i don't have time for you it's like this is exhausting for me like your text didn't elicit some kind of response you were just like she's like hey can i ask you a question you're like no i don't want to do that anymore so if you want something different from your friend that's that's what you have to try to communicate to her and it's not about what you don't want it's about what you do want and you got you do have to find the words to make you know like listen i know you're I know you're going through a lot. I've been there before.

I get that it gets frustrating. Sometimes it does feel like all we talk about is this stuff. And I want to be able to help you out. But it would be nice if sometimes, listen, would you ever go to her for advice? Or I don't know, like it's... No, I mean, I used to vent, when me and my boyfriend first got together, of course, we had her issues and we still have her issues here and there. But we work on it by ourselves. So it's like, no, I guess I don't really...

ever go to her with it. Yeah, I guess you just have to figure out what you want from this friendship because it's still unclear, like, maybe you don't want anything. You know, what do you, if this friendship does end, what are you going to miss? Right. I mean, I don't know. I think she's a good person where we go have like happy hour together. We have a good time.

But it was just mainly like. Can you just do, can you do that? And when she does ask for your advice, can you just be like, all right, I'll give you advice, but like, you don't have to care if she doesn't take it. I mean, at the other day, she's going to do her thing, you know, you can't, you know, she's going to do a guy in prison. She's going to, you know, and when she asked, be like, listen, I just like, I think there are better options out there for you, but you, you don't, you do you. And I want you to be happy, and I'll always be here for you. But you also don't have to be friends with her, you know?

It's, I guess you just have to figure out what you want. Yeah. And I guess, I mean, I think, like, I am going to have a conversation with her. I don't really want to. because, I mean, I am older, but I guess I don't really want to because I don't know how she's going to respond to it. And yeah, so I feel like if she doesn't respond well to it, then I probably will just end our friendship. Okay. Well, then, you know, have the conversation and find out. Yeah. Okay.

Hopefully this was helpful, but, you know, it's... No, it was. I mean, it was just kind of like it's, you know, a non-biased opinion. And so, yeah, I'm... I have a conversation with her and see kind of how that goes. And then I'll talk to my boyfriend once he gets home today and kind of tell him a little bit of what you said and just kind of stick my foot down that I'm going to have a conversation with her like I'm a grown woman.

What does he want you to do? He wants me to stop being friends with her. Okay. Yeah. Because he just finds her obnoxious or I think she's a threat or something? He just thinks she's not a good friend. Okay. What do you think?

I think that she's never really kind of had to show up. I mean, like, it's, she was, for example, two months ago, she was supposed to go out with us for my brother's 21st birthday, and she just completely boasted me. She didn't text me until a week later saying, sorry, I had a date. Yeah, in my, yeah, I mean, listen, I think this final thoughts before that you go. You are in a relationship. You have, you know, you have your child.

Again, there is a contentment that you have. And then your friend is single and out there and looking and, and in a way, probably wants some version of what you have. And that does create friction in friendships because your lives are not lined up. It's not like you guys are both in college and you have like, hey, we're going to go out and party. So there's, if you want it in her life, you do have to recognize that a little bit and give her a little bit of grace or not. You know, again, to your boyfriend, you could just be like, listen, we're just not that great of friends. We want different things.

And we can still be friends, but maybe I just have to, you just maybe have to expect a little bit less from her and see if this friendship can evolve outside. of her only coming to you for advice. You know. Yeah. All right. Okay. Thank you so much. All right.

Good luck out there. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Hey, guys. If you loved what you listen to, make sure you hit that subscribe button below.

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