The Viall Files - E1127 - Ask Nick - My Husband Won't Change Diapers

Episode Date: May 18, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition! Our first caller cut a man off after 5 perfect dates and thinks that might have been a mistake. Our second caller's husband says cruel things to her on purpose, and she's debating leaving him. And, our third caller has a 40 year old married coworker that's hitting on her and wants advice on how to set a boundary without making it uncomfortable.  "He should know better." ARE YOU A MESS BECAUSE OF YOUR SITUATIONSHIP? OR JUST IN GENERAL? Email [e-mail] with all your relationship questions and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes!     Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content featuring updates from your favorite callers? Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + HERE: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/    Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter  To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com     THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Upwork: Visit https://upwork.com right now and post your job for free. DirecTV: Go to https://directv.com/genrepacks and sign up today.  Timeline: Timeline's clinically proven formula is now available at a new, lower price. Mitopure now starts at $79, when you go to https://timeline.com/viall  Neuro: For a limited time, you can get 20% off your first order at https://neurogum.com by using code: VIALL Naturium: Give your skin the affordable, luxurious glow up it deserves. Go to https://naturium.com/viall for 10% off your first purchase today Article Furniture: Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout **To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles    Timestamps: 00:00 - Intro 00:13 - Caller One 37:16 - Caller Two 1:11:45 - Caller Three Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @the_mare_bare

The Valf House is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing a budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it at Progressive.com, Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, prices and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states. Spring has a way of reintroducing your home to the light. The day stretch a little longer. Mornings feel softer. Your home opens up after a long winter. But with more light comes more glare, more heat, less privacy. That's where Hunter Douglas' shades are designed to do more than cover windows.

They shape the light itself. From beautifully diffused morning sun to complete privacy at night, every shade is custom crafted to fit your home perfectly. These are not off-the-shelf window treatments. They're precision engineered, professionally measured, and expertly installed. The kind of upgrade that doesn't just refresh a room, it elevates it. And because you'll work with a local expert, every detail is handled for you, from inspiration to installation. There's a store in your area where you could get Hunter Douglas Shades.

Ready to get started? Visit night and day decor.com or call 647-360-6151. That's night and day decor.com. Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm 25, and I cut him off after five perfect. dates but I don't know if I should have five perfect dates tell me about these five perfect dates um so I met him on hinge as one does and we went on five dates um he planned them all out we had fun on them he was funny smart he's 28 I'm 25 so I liked the age difference after the fifth date he didn't plan out the six date and he had planned out most of the others I planned out like a couple of them

but he was good at planning ahead. And then after the fifth one, I noticed him texting back like a little bit slower and not planning the next one. And I just felt like I felt a shift, even though I hadn't met, even though I hadn't seen him and seen him in person. And so I didn't want to end up spiraling like I do with other guys.

So I texted him. Slow down first. Yeah. Slow down, slow down. You had met him in person on these five dates, right? Yes. But after the fifth date, you hadn't seen him and you told yourself that he was pulling back. Yeah, exactly.

Okay. Okay. All right. And so then I feel like sometimes with guys, when I start to feel like I'm pulling back, I start spiraling. And so with this guy, I was like, I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to cut it off. What's the difference? Well, then I didn't have to wait for a text back from him.

And when you spiral, what does that look like, just out of curiosity? Checking my phone a lot. Thinking about all the texts I had sent and what I could have sent instead. Okay. If I did something wrong, you know. Okay. Thinking him too much, like in my head. Yeah.

And what did you send them when you cut it off? I had texted him and said, do you want to hang out on? Friday. It was like Wednesday or something. He texted back like a while later, like the same day. It was like seven hours later and said that he couldn't on Friday and he didn't offer a follow up. Yeah, follow up date. So I texted him and said, actually I've been thinking and I've realized this isn't what I'm looking for. I wish you the best. His response was that's too bad to hear. I had a lot of fun with you, but I'm in a similar headspace. And he asked why the change of heart. And I said, I'm looking for something with some more consistency, which was kind of dumb because he had been

consistent. And then I asked him, why the change of heart? And he said, because you told me you didn't want to hang out with me anymore. He said, I realized that I I'm not able to give you like the time that I that you deserve to have something like that. And then I was like, okay. But then I ended up texting him again. So I texted him again like like two weeks later. And I said, I said, or like how about if we get drinks again? And he said, I'm really sorry.

I had a lot of fun with you. It's not about you. but I don't want to end up giving mixed signals again. And I don't have like the space in my life right now for something more serious. Even though I didn't say I wanted something more serious necessarily. Necessarily. But I get where he's coming from. I want to see a picture of this guy.

I can show you. All right. Wait. Oh, yeah, I have one actually. Handsome. Yeah, handsome guy. Yeah, it's pretty handsome. Well, I mean, listen, as far as this guy goes, I mean, yeah, I think we're, I think it's time to move on probably.

I'm not even in a position to say, oh, your intuition was wrong. It's probably not great that you did it the way you did. No, you know yourself. You've been in these positions. It's self-preservation, right? Like you said, you know that you were feeling the feeling, whatever this feeling was you know how in the past it would just, you'd go bananas, you know, you just, yeah, you didn't want to do that anymore. You sent him a message. Now, there's a small chance

that when you send him that message, you know, caught him off guard a little bit. It seemed a little bit, you know, it seemed like, hey, do you want to hang out? No, all right, this isn't working for me. was probably a bit of a, like two different, very different messages. And then he could have responded just saving face, you know, it's not working for me either. He's probably not going to respond and be like, wait, no, I'm in love with you. Well, I don't expect that. Well, not in love with you. He could have just said, that's really disappointing to hear, let me know if you change your mind.

Yeah. He could have said that. I've said that before, you know. I'll tell him he should say that. No, but he didn't, so that's okay. And then you did follow up two weeks later and he declined. So like, that's, you know, I think it's time to move on. Yeah.

And so I guess more than anything, you probably didn't make like a huge mistake, you know. I mean, your messages were a little goofy, but like nothing, nothing you couldn't come back from if he really wanted to. But more importantly, how do we avoid you spiraling in the future? Because almost certainly, no matter who you go on a date with next, there's going to be like a period where like he, whoever he is, is going to like pull back a little bit. You know, that's a normal thing. When you were dating him, did you immediately go off the apps?

No, I went on one more date. after our first date with someone else. I tried going on dates with other people because I feel like my friends have said it helps to go on dates with other people so you aren't thinking too much about the one person, but like I just... Maybe, maybe.

Yeah, depends on the person. But my point is, is that everyone's doing that. So even though you're having five consistent dates before you like have the talk of, are we exclusive but not boyfriend and girlfriend yet, which is what you can seem to do these days. You know, he's also going on dates, you know, or these people will go on dates. And so that's not to tell you that to freak you out or have, you know, but like it's just normal

nowadays, I feel like, or just in general, for people to not be as totally linearly consistent, you know, that's great. Yeah, true. So how do you avoid freaking out? Because it's, you know, a freak out is always going to feel like a freak out to whoever you're freaking out too. And they won't have the context as to why you're freaking out. Don't give them a reason.

I be like, well, no. Okay, hold on. Well, and so then I try to tell myself, I'm like, I don't really actually know them. It's only been like whatever, three, four, five dates. Yeah, which is all true. It is all true. And it kind of helps a little bit. But like, it doesn't fully.

In what way? You're just locked in in your mind. You're kind of obsessing. Yeah. So, like, what are you obsessing about? Why they might not be responding, like, thinking, like, if they had, mention that they, I don't know, go to the gym after work. I'm like, okay, well, he should be home by now.

So he probably should be responding by now. Or just like thinking about, just getting it too much energy and thinking about it all too much. I'm trying to figure out how to say this to you. You can say it out. No, I know. I mean, I don't. I'm just trying, I want to say it in a way that's, like, helpful. This is not meant to be a, this is not about you.

Like, men are just not that complicated. You know what I'm saying? Like in the sense that they're either like super into you. Oh, they're not, you know? Yeah. And the energy you're like you're analyzing yourself to a degree that they're not analyzing you. When you're going on these days, it sounds like you're very much, all right, what are they going to find out about me? What's wrong with me?

What don't they like about me? What did I say wrong on a date? You know, I don't, I don't think men get the ick quite like the ladies do. It's possible. Men do get the ick. I don't think we're quite as fickle. Like you could trip and fall and he'll still go out with you. Yeah. And it seems like sometimes the boys aren't allowed to look a little clumsy. It's like right now you're saying, I don't really know them. Like you're saying it after you feel the anxiety and the panic and then you're trying to talk yourself off the ledge by, you know, be like, I know, I feel these anxious feelings and I'm

freaking out, but like I don't really know them. It's just about rejection. You know, it's just about like not being accepted or, oh, it's happening again. You know, it's not about, you're not, you're not logically thinking about the stranger not liking you. So it's hard for you to like that line of thought isn't stopping you or helping you from getting out of that space. I feel like a psychologist would be like your frontal lobe is, you know, whatever the fuck. But it's more about like you just kind of coming in with a frame of mind early on in the dating time. You really just have to really almost disconnect a little bit. Right now, you're going on other dates with guys to distract you from him, Mr. Wright, you know, the guy, you know, like, you know. Yeah. And if you've, if you've

if you're doing that way in that mindset, you're only making it worse, right? Like, you know, it's like when you, if you get your heartbroken, you know, and then your friends tell you to go, you're like, oh, I got to get back out there. If you start dating too soon after a bad breakup, it just makes you miss that person even more. It doesn't help you, right? Because then you're just comparing, you know, most dates you go on, you're not into them, you know, like, right? Most dates you're like, you know, here's another person.

Great. Yeah. And unless you, you know, meet someone you are really excited about, which is already rare, you know, then that just makes you pine over the person you're heartbroken. And in your case, like, that's not much different. You're not heartbroken, but you are excited about someone already. So dating, going on dates to forget about the person you're excited about is only going to make you more excited. Unless you get, unless you get lucky with like, oh my God, he's, I'm also excited about him.

but just like just some guy buying you a meal or a drink just to only find out that he's super into like the Marvel universe is like not going to like it's not going to help well and I feel like what happened the date I went on after my first date with the five date guy I went on on date with someone else and I just was like oh I like the other guy so much more and then it just makes me and then I just start thinking about him more I guess also my thing on date is because it's kind of kind of separate, but is when I'm on dates, I just kind of talk a lot when I'm nervous. And so I'll often lead the conversation, like, maybe a bit too much. I feel like that's also who I am as a person.

I'm not like. Yeah. Do you ever? I'm kind of like assertive and like, do you ever, have you ever acknowledged your nerves on a date? Just feel like, honestly, I get a little nervous on dates and I talk too much and with a little bit of vulnerability. No, I could do that, I guess. Yeah.

I don't know. It's worth a shot. I mean, it's better than you being a little goofy on the other end of the table, and they're like, what's going on here? It's like, you know, you have an endearing personality to you. Like, you have a very likable demeanor. And you can tell you have a bit of a nervous energy. That's okay. It's, it's, it's charming. It's charming. You know, so if you are into someone, you can be like, honestly, I just, and you can just don't even have to, don't gas them up. You know, you don't have to be like, oh, my God, I'm just so nervous to meet you. It's just like, first dates, you know? know first-day jitters. Ha-ha-ha.

They just make me nervous. Like, you know, you seem cute, but I don't know, meeting strange men just... Yeah, okay. You could just be a little goofy, throw in a little humor. You seem like you have a sense of humor. You like funny people.

Yes. They have to be funny. Yeah. But I feel like guys don't often like a girl to be funny. They just want to be funny. Well, sure. Maybe that's not sure. It depends on the guy.

Everyone likes a sense of humor, you know. Yeah. Now, the funny guy doesn't want to have to compete for jokes. Yeah, true. Okay, so then when things end up coming to a close, like I end it or the guy ends it, I do what I often did with the guy I was telling you about. We're all, even though I know it's over, then I started thinking about it even more. And then I want to reach back out again. That's normal. Oh, and then I do that. What do you have to lose? I don't know. know. Like you reach, you know, but yeah, it's, I don't think it's a crime. I don't like, as long as your case, like, the only thing you have to lose is a little bit of like, it's an unnecessary sad afternoon by like deciding to obsess over something for the sake of obsessing over it. And then convincing yourself you should reach out when deep down you really know you shouldn't or it's not going to do anything and then only to get rejected and then like just kind of like have a bad afternoon. Like that's, that's the only thing you have to lose. And if, if, if,

if it's not that bad and then, you know, shoot your shock girl. Yeah. Okay, because then I've found that once I end up sending that text, I'm not obsessing anymore. I don't even care if they response. There you go. So I'm like, okay, whatever. Now I'm not thinking about anymore. There you go. My friends are all like, no, don't text him. Oh my God. That's fine. Okay, great. That actually helps. I can just give you a no. I do think, not too much. I said this with love to your friends. Stop. I, stop asking. them from dating advice. Okay. Yeah. And I don't, I just, it's the blind leading the blind. And I don't mean, and listen, I'm, that's a very generality. But if it's like single people, everyone's just

projecting their own dating experiences onto their friends, you know, if you have someone, man or woman, who is a friend who's kind of outside of the dating scene, who is content with their romantic life, whether they're a nun or married or just like not out there fighting the good fight like you are. You know, it's like, you know, if they're out there on the grind on the apps like you, they're not going to be giving you solid advice because it's a minefield out there. And it's a lot of like they're going to give you advice that they want someone to say to them, you know. Yeah. You know, maybe it works, maybe it doesn't.

And people have strong opinions on their dating advice, too. Yeah. So, like, if they tell you not to text them, they're really like, don't text him. So messes with me a little bit. So, yeah, I mean, I can just stop asking people. Stop asking other single people. Yeah, I have single people. Yeah.

I mean, most of my friends are. Like, I literally, I'll never forget. I was, I was, I was old enough to know better. but I was very single and I decided I saw someone's IG content and I was like oh they're cute it's a little different than the type of person I had gone from the past

and then a girlfriend of mine, friend, that's a girl, was simultaneously into this guy who was out with the boys and hadn't been reaching out to her you know and she was literally waiting for him to call. And so I was telling her about this girl. I was like, yeah, what do you think? I was like, I, you know, I, like, I wanted to. And she's like, I'm super in, I love this for you, you know, and she just kept convincing me to reach out to her. I kept reaching, you know, and all she wanted was this guy to reach out to him, her. It was the worst advice. I knew she was giving me bad advice,

but I wanted to, I wanted, I was looking for, I wanted to be convinced to like keep trying to reach out. I looked like a fucking psychopath because she was like. Keep DMing. She's just like, yeah. She was just telling me what she really wanted this guy to do for her. You know, she'll love it. And I'm like, no, you'll love it. You know, like I, I'm going to look like a psychopath.

And then I did. I did look like a psychopath. Oh, and that's what happens. People give bad advice and then, you know, it's bad, but you, it's like what you want to do. Okay, so basically I should just maybe on a first date, let them know I'm a little nervous. If you feel nervous, yeah. If you feel that nerves and you feel kind of jittery and you feel like you're talking too much, take a breath. Yeah. You know, I got, you know, first date nerves, man.

It's not even that I'm nervous to meet them. I don't really care. It's more just that I don't like when there's a silence in a conversation. So I get nervous that there might be a silence in a conversation. Maybe that's helpful. Like, you know, maybe, you know, if there are first dates are awkward. No one likes the uncomfortable silence. and if you have the guts enough to say something, there's nothing wrong with that, you know? I mean, they always ask for a second, so. Yeah. So they seem to be going.

Well, a lot of the time, though, they, like, I'm just not interested or. Yeah, that's okay. But listen, listen, I talk to a lot of people have a hard time getting that second date. So, like, don't discount the fact that, like, you clearly are a good conversationalist, and that is, honestly, in today's day and age,

a lot hard for people. Well, I talk a lot, but I'm like not caring that I'm going on a date with them in particular. But then once I start to like them, it's like I turn crazy. You and everyone else. It's not even just the guys. Yeah, I know. Yeah. You know, again, that story I told you.

It doesn't seem to be the guy. You know, that story I told you, I mean, I wasn't crazy, but I was like knowingly getting bad advice and taking it. Yeah. You know, and that's kind of crazy. Like in the past few months there's been a couple guys I've gone on more than four dates with, which I feel like is when it starts to get more real. And I feel like whenever those kinds of things end, it's just so disheartening. And it's like, I have to do this again. I don't know.

When was the last thing you had a like a long-term boyfriend? A year and a half ago. How long was that? For two years. How'd that end? I was moving. but also I kind of didn't really like him that much. And I feel like the whole second year of dating, I wanted to break up.

And then I was moving. So it made it easy. When you say the I have to do this again, what is that again? What is the thing you have to do again? Go back. Well, I don't really mind being on Hinge, I guess. But it's more like go on a first date, which I'm never excited for. They end up being fine, like maybe half the time.

But when they're not fine, I'm like really not having it. And then, um, how do you get out of those dates? I, I, I tell myself, like, I had a date this past, what, Tuesday. And I told myself, it was the date was at seven. So I told myself I had to stay until 815. And then, like, if it's, if it's bad, I can leave at 815. Because sometimes on dates, I'm like sitting there and I'm like, it's only been half an hour. Anyway, that guy on Tuesday did not like him.

And then I'm tired for work the next day. And I'm like, why did I even go on a date? I knew I wouldn't like him. So what led up to that first day? I'm curious. What kind of conversations on Hinge? Not much. He lives in my neighborhood.

So I think we talked a little bit about like what restaurants we like around here. And then it really wasn't much on Hinge. I don't really like to talk too much before first date. Is no one taking my advice out there? No one's doing the Zoom dates of the FaceTime? I think about that all the time. Because I listen to the podcast a lot, and you always say that. And I think it's good advice, but I think guys would find it weird.

We had a caller the other day who said as much or, well, I mean, it wasn't that she found it weird. She suggested it. And he was like, no, I don't want to do that. And she was like, well, okay, that's, I agree with her. She saw it as like a red flag. Yeah, but also if a guy asked me to do that. to FaceTime, I don't know if I'd want to either. Just because like, maybe, I do think it's a little different. I mean, you know, I think it's for a girl to ask. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, hey, are you going to murder me? I honestly think the reasons why people wouldn't ask or for the reasons why you might save yourself the energy and time, you're willing to go on dates. You're active on the apps. You, you see, it sounds like I'm, I'm getting the impression that like when it comes to your dating problems, it's not finding the dates. It's not having the guts to go on. on the dates. It's not knowing what to say on the first dates. You're actually, you're doing,

that's all great. And so many people struggle with various aspects of that part. Like, it's all hard, right? And you're, you seem to be pretty good at some of the hard stuff, right? But like, it's just fucking exhausting. And then you get a little anxious once you start liking a guy and you become a different person, which is a whole other thing. But right, like the kind of the grind of the dating, you're actually got that down and you're not that bad at it. And you're, you know, but like many of them you're just not into which is like that's good that would it would be a problem if you were like they're all great and I'm like they're not all great you're just you've yeah true you need to up your standard so like you're not supposed you're like you're supposed to get excited

maybe one out of five guys maybe um and so the other four dates you're just like fuck you know like and like many of those at least half of those maybe all of them you could figure that out on a Zoom date. Now, understand that, like, it's not as common. It's, you know, you might get a little, I just, like, if I were, if I wanted to go on a date with a girl, I have a limited time on dating apps, but I've been, you know, I've been on them for a minute, you know, and so it's just that, like, right, like you have all these matches, right? You're swiping, you're swiping, you're swiping, you're swiping, you're swiping. Think about, like, your mindset, right? And the guy's going to be the same way. Like, you're swiping, you know, and then you have, like,

what, five or ten matches? Then you talk to a handful of them. It gets a little cloudy in terms of who you're really excited about. Short of like you just thinking they're really hot, that's the only thing you can really trust is their picture for the most time. But they can lie about their picture, so then there's also that. You know, and they can be a little deceiving.

But like, so you're only getting really excited. But, and I just remember, like, a lot of times when you think about dates, you're kind of like, should I? Should I not? You're kind of convincing yourself. The boys are like, I don't know, this is going to cost me like 60 bucks.

Do I really, you know. Oh, true. You know, and you're like... So for them, they might be like, I can just zoom and save some money. Maybe, yeah. That's actually... But how you frame it matters is like, let's save each... Listen, you seem cool, but let's FaceTime and say...

Like, you can maybe be joky about it. I guess what I'm saying, and I think about this strongly, I think you're just going to weed a lot of people out. I just think the guys who, like, get really defensive and weird. It's just not that harm to get it on this. Like, you guys are 10-Z, you know? You guys are the... the tech age, you know, like a, you know, I come from an era when, like, facetiming was new,

and I was talking to a girl long distance, and she was like, that's, that's weird. We don't, like, huh? Like, because it was literally new. Now, like, you're FaceTiming your friends all the time, right? Like, I'm guessing, do you guys even call on the phone, or is it always FaceTime, right? Like, it's half and half, right? So you're pretty, every, you're, everyone's doing it. Everyone's doing it, the friends.

The boys are doing with the guys. Like, it's not that normal to jump on a FaceTime. or Zoom. I, you know, I don't think you should be sharing your number with a bunch of strange dudes, which is why Zoom is kind of nice. But like, you could just be like, yo, like, let's save each other like the first date awkwardness and like, let's have a fun Zoom date, you know, it's like, also you guys were five years removed from COVID. Like everyone knows how to jump on. It's not that weird anymore. And yes, a lot of guys will say no, but I firmly believe that they're like, you saved yourself. Like, it's not that weird. Even if it's just like, I.

I'm a girl, you're a guy, I want to feel safe. It's such an easy opportunity for men to make a woman feel safe. And if they do the opposite, that's a red flag on them, to not have the self-awareness that maybe she's asking for a little bit of comfort and confident. Yeah, yeah. And I feel like often within the first like 10 minutes of a date, I know if I want to be there longer or not. But then you have to sit there.

Listen, my whole life of being on TV, people told me. I look taller in person and I said I was better looking in person and I'm sure I could have this like but if I were like nervous about that you know if I were dating you know like just have a sense of humor but like I swear to God I'm better looking

and taller in person you know like or whatever you just have you just be silly or fun or whatever it's you're just what are you looking for in a Zoom you're just looking for like a little bit of rapport a little bit of ease you know if you go in a Zoom it's just like hey so I don't know like what did you what did you want to talk about you're going to be like okay and also like

they don't have their their job sometimes on their hinge so like there's some questions you can ask on Zoom or FaceTime that would well careful about like jumping on a Zoom and be like so what do you do no I know I know I'd play because that's what do you do is how much money you make yeah I mean a little bit but also like certain jobs I wouldn't not as interested in like what so curiosity well I know you to do sales so no offense but um sales okay i what is like i want a job where people make a like a positive impact i'm a a kindergarten teacher so like to me it's pretty important that i do something that like makes a big impact every day and i feel like some jobs if you're just doing it to make money i don't really find that that attractive okay i want you to be like really

passionate about why you're doing what you're doing. Or like trying to do something positive. And sales, I feel like you're just trying to sell stuff to people who don't want to buy it. But maybe I'm wrong. I've gone varying, varying opinions on this. I think people in the sales industry, you can get a mixed bag of people like anything else. I've met some really shitty teachers as people, not many as teachers. I've met some really shitty healthcare workers. Sales certainly attracts a certain type of of motivated person. Often they are money motivated for sure. That being said, you know, despite being in sales, like, I don't know, there was a period of that time where I, you know, I don't know,

I donated my time every Saturday at a food pantry for three years. Oh, that's very nice. You know, all still in sales, you know, so like you can, you don't have to, there's, there's, that's a good point. You can, you can, you can, you can be a pretty good guy or person in being sales. you can also be a shitty person. So, you know, try not to judge your book by its cover. But I do think you can use it as a data point. That's like, all right, sales, there's a good, you know, you know, you can ask them, what are they passionate about?

Yeah. But yeah, I also will say it's sometimes hard, especially for men or people, you know, but like, I think, you know, guys have this desire to feel like they know what they're, like, what's their career going to be. I have this kind of belief. that if you're under the age of 30 and you run some kind of non-profit charity,

you're a con artist, which is a real generalization. It's a huge generalization. I've got behind that. But my logic is, that's something you do because, like, you've made it and you have a passion,

and now you have some extra time on your hand, and you truly can give back. And very few people are set with, you know, and if there's a lot of, loopholes and nonprofits and foundations to be kind of shady. And also there's a lot of goodwill that comes with it and it looks great and it's flattering and it's, you know, but it's like, you know, usually the person who does that with really pure intentions isn't chasing anything else. They've have everything else. They've, they've met their dreams and goals and careers.

And I think the person who's like still figuring it out and the thing they were trying to figure out is the non-for-profit, the chances out there may be searching for other things. Maybe try to generalize a little bit less. People can, you can, it's, yeah, it's dangerous to generalize because I think you weed out a lot of good people because there's good people everywhere. There's bad people everywhere. You know, it's like it doesn't matter what city you're in. You can find great people.

You can find shitty people. There's just more of those people in, let's say, larger cities, you know. But just try to slow down a little bit. I think you're doing a lot of good things. when it comes to dating, and when you get freaked out, I guess. Yeah, definitely just don't end it because of a vibe. Should I have asked, like, just want to check in about how this is going? Or just leave it, just wait for him to text me about another date because I just had asked him already.

Well, maybe somewhere in the middle, you know, you felt like he was pulling away a little bit. and then one time he wasn't available and the first time his patterns changed you just like cut it off but like again you weren't totally wrong yeah you notice a change in his behavior you called him out the what the alternative is to it's just the aggressive like the because you're trying to avoid that like period of this like freaking out yeah so in that case you did help it's it's less about what you should say to them and more about how do you get yourself in a place where the unknown doesn't freak you out. Well, I guess I'll work on that. Well, I think what you can try to work on and then I do, and then we have to go is like this mindset of like, oh,

after four or five dates isn't much, right? You've done it before. You'll do it again. And there's something about you going on four or five dates that makes you like kind of start thinking, oh, this could be something and almost getting you in like girlfriend relationship mode. It's only been four or five dates. And you're not building that much. rapport and this whole starting over. It's just like you're acting legs like the Rets Y asks, you have you had a past relationship? You kind of work almost giving you've never had a boyfriend

when you said that because it was like, well, there's, I mean, the starting open, like the people, like when you have a relationship for a year or two and then you have that comfort and you know, that familiarity and you're not dating, you're not going on the grind and there's just to go back out in the dating world that's definitely like, oh my God, I gotta do that again, that sucks.

Maybe you just need to take a little of a dating break you know because you've been in it for a minute you know um and that's okay um okay well i really appreciate the advice i hope this was helpful i'm just yeah it was and congrats on the twins thank you and thanks for having my favorite podcast ever it's awesome well i appreciate you saying that it means a lot um but yeah it's um just slow down you're you're you're you're you're you're doing good think. Do you get therapy? Are you in therapy? I like here and there and then and then I stop. What do you go therapy for or when you go? I don't really like my therapist is the problem. Get a new therapist. Yeah, a new therapist. I know. There's a lot of therapists out there.

Well, I only ask because, and again, I'm not, I don't know, like, I'm not a, like, attachment style expert, but this kind of nervous energy, like you, you got to figure out, and that's really your thing, is just to, like, how to, how to regulate your emotions when you're feeling the anxious. Like, who do you call and reach out to? You know, I'm not always available. And your friends are, your friends are not the people you need to be going to. And honestly, like, just how to regulate those kind of, when you're really feeling that anxious feeling, finding someone who's really good at helping you regulate those emotions without giving you bad advice, you know, because sometimes the answer isn't to do anything. It's just to read, it's to change your perspective or reframe your

thinking sometimes it's just like take take a fucking beat take a breath like think about literally anything else just calm the fuck down you know someone might say it a little bit more helpful than that no that's more helpful you know sometimes that's just the answer um let let's just go do something else let's i don't know i don't have the answer it doesn't matter it'll figure herself out let's just go do anything else. In the meantime, he is just a guy that you barely know. And I don't know what's going to happen, but like, you are going to be fine. So save yourself to freak out. And let's just, whatever. Like, and also what I said in the, like, your, it's a waste of energy. You being like, was it me? Is it this? Is it that? Like, I just remember when I was single. It's like,

it's just not that complicated. We don't have the answer. Do you have the answer when you're dating? When you get the ick, can you explain it? You know what I'm saying? Is it like something where if a guy was like, well, can you explain to me why you, you know, you wouldn't even have an answer. You'd be like, I don't know, I just don't, you know, or I just do. So instead of like dissecting your behavior and over-analyzing every little thing you did or didn't, just they don't have an answer. You know, it's just a vibe that early on. So they're either into you or they're not, you can't do anything about it. So like, why are you spending a bunch of time trying to figure out what you did wrong. True. It's not helping me. Just puts me in my head. Yeah. And you do give off an

energy. And by you, I just mean anyone when you're like, just don't give a shit. That's so, you know. Yeah, because then they like you if you seem to not care. And they're like, people want to chase. People want to chase. People want to. I know. But like if I know I like you, I like you. So then I have to play. But you don't know if you like them. You, you don't. He's a, He has a nice face and a good sense of humor, and that's neat. But like, so does Wes Wilson. And now we're thinking he's kind of not a great guy, you know? I don't know if you watch Summer House.

No, I know. I don't know how about it. That's okay. But he's a very, he's a good looking, funny guy who's been, turns out he's been, you know. Yeah. Being your classic fuck boy. Yeah. And I guess, I mean, even if you end up dating them, you might know after a year you don't like them.

Correct. Yeah. That's, you know, the guy you dated for two years. And then a year. you stuck with him after you didn't like him. There was a point where you were like excited about him. He would have been, if he would have been less into you, you would have freaked out, you know, and then you ended up being like, oh, God, my God, you here.

So find your friend that helps you slow down and maybe that friend is a new therapist. Okay, well, I'll look out for one. All right. Good luck out there. All right, thank you. Have a good one. I appreciate it. I appreciate you.

is posted on your dating life. I will. All right. Take care. All right. Bye. Bye. What's up,

everybody? Don't forget that all Vial Files Plus content is ad free. Plus, for all you ask, Nick listeners out there, your update specials are ready and waiting for you. I know you are very interested on the follow-up calls. What has happened to these people if they heard my advice? It had helped them.

Did it hurt them? Has their life changed? Well, you can find out on Update Plus, and you can get Update Plus. Behind VialFiles Plus. Go to Vialfiles. dot com to sign up, you will be glad that you did. Guys, fresh breath, it's really important. It's super important.

Bad breath. Honestly, it's one of my biggest icks. And I have turned to neurogum to make sure my breath is always on point. Neurogum and mints are functional portable products designed to enhance energy, focus, and mental clarity. It's powered by natural caffeine, L-thenine, and calm focus in vitamin B-12 plus B-6. Not only do you get a great breath, you get a little boost in your day without getting so much sugar. There's no sugar, no aspartane, and no crash. When you're chewing other gum, you're just

chewing. With neuro gum, you're chewing for clean, sustain energy, and sharper focus. I start every podcast with a neuromint. It makes me feel energized, focused, ready to go. Plus, I just have great, fresh breath. There's nothing like stanky, stale breath that will really just ruin your mood and honestly the mood of people around you. So stop having bad breath, get more clear, focus, energy. You know, it's amazing how much sugar you're taking with most gums. And it's like, Like, you know, as someone who's always conscious about the sugar I'm putting in my body, I was thinking about how much sugar I was getting by just chewing gum. Well, not anymore thanks to neuro gum and mince.

Neuro's memory and focus gum are made with American ginsing. It supports mental clarity minus the jitters. Also, Neurals sleep and recharge mints offer melatonin and chamomile to help you unwind and rest without pills or sugary gummies. Again, I was chewing gum at night and putting a bunch of sugar in my body I didn't need, which affected my sleep. Now with Neuros sleep and recharge mints, I end my day calm with fresh breath and it helps just enhance my sleep a little better.

For a limited time, you can get 20% off your first order at Neurogum.com by using code V-I-A-L. That is Neurogum.com and use code V-I-A-L for 20% off your first order. You can also find Nero at CVS, Walmart, and Amazon. Building your business starts with having the right people in your corner, but hiring help shouldn't be a headache or a drain on your budget. That's where Upwork comes in to save the day. Upwork makes it easy to hire, specialize freelance quickly. They have the expertise you need without weeks of recruiting or committing to a full-time

hire. So you can delegate smarter, move faster, and focus on growing your business. With Upwork, scaling a business is a lot easier when you have the right people. And Upwork makes that possible. That's why so many growing teams use Upwork. It's the one-stop platform where you can find, hire, and pay expert freelancers across over 125 categories. Whether you need help with a one-off project,

or an ongoing support, Upwork has you covered. You can easily browse profiles, review pass work, and even get help scoping the role. So hiring feels fast and straightforward instead of overwhelming. And with business plus, Upwork can match you with top freelance talent in under six hours using AI-powered shortlisting. They can also handle contracts and payments all in one place. So you can spend less time managing logistics and more time actually running your business. It's free to sign up and easy to get started.

So what are you waiting for? your next great hire is waiting for you on Upwork. You know, as you guys know, we had those really awesome reunions that we delivered for you last month. And, well, you can imagine that takes a little bit more lift. We used Upwork to find some great editing talent to help us get through those critical times. It was so easy, so painless and stress-free, it really helped us deliver on giving you guys the great episodes that you come to expect at the file files. Visit Upwork.com right now and post your job for free. That's upwork.com to connect with top talent ready to help your business grow.

Upworg.com. Upwork.com. I feel like consistency can be so hard when your routine feels too complicated or expensive to maintain. That's why I've been loving Naturium. They make skincare that feels luxurious and high end, but with affordable prices. Naturium formulas are clinically effective, skin-friendly, and affordable enough to use every day. And they make it really simple to find products and ingredients that work for you. I've been loving their glow-getter body butter. I literally just bought another one at Target today because I needed some here at the lake.

It is so luxurious and thick. I'm putting it on my stomach right now to help, obviously, with my growing belly. And you just feel hydrated. You feel good when you put it on. The whole experience feels elevated with high-quality packaging and products, which makes your everyday routine, it feel luxurious without the luxury markup. Naturium is all about making great skincare accessible for everyone everywhere. every day. They even have a consistency

club where you can earn points and rewards just for sticking to your routine, even your empty bottles earn points. Give your skin the affordable, luxurious glow it deserves. Go to naturium.com slash V-I-A-L for 10% off your first purchase today. That's naturium.com slash V-I-A-L.

How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Sarah, and my husband says, Cruel thinks to me on purpose to make me feel bad. and I am 22. Okay.

How old is your husband? He is also 22. We're only three months apart. How bad is it that you thinking about leaving? I am because of just the things that he has said. I mean, part of his depression, but like listening to different people talk about their depression, if you're depressed, it doesn't make it your partner's fault for you to be mean to them, I feel like. And I feel like I'm like the punching bag in a way.

He said things, I guess, I don't know. There's just so many. I don't really know where to start with it. But one big thing is he told me he was regret getting married to me, but then we'll back pedal on it and be like, no, I didn't mean that. But we'll say it to me and be nasty. And he also told me that I baby trapped him with our daughter and were married, which I did not do.

I don't know how you baby trap your husband. After you get married? Yes, we had been married for two years. Does your husband suffer from like clinical depression or is it like sometimes he's sad? He actually is depressed. he had a very, like, terrible childhood. Okay. That's legit, and it's not just, like, something that he's just sad sometimes.

Okay. But he seems to let it out on me, and then it just, I don't know. Stuff, yeah. When he's not being a total asshole to you, does he recognize how bad it is, or is he still kind of, is he, or is he a little dismissive where it's just like you're overreacting, it's not that bad. I'm sorry, but, like, get over it. Yeah, he recognizes how bad it is, but then, like, we'll say that he's sorry, but then

fact, go back on it because he'll say, like, well, I'm this way because you don't make me feel comfortable or safe to be nice to you about it. And I'm just like, what do you mean? So I'm not very good at like remembering exact things. So like when we get arguments and things and he tries to bring up stuff, I can't like remember because that's just not my brain works and have a baby. And it's just, it's a lot. When I was going through this, like the majority of it, I started like taking notes of things. One thing I wanted to say is so he recognizes it. And then he told me, I say, mean things to you to hurt you to make you feel how I feel. And he like told me that. Well, as hard as that. I mean, like, that's fucked up. First of all, he shouldn't say that to his

wife. And that's really mean. And I'm sorry, he's saying that's saying hurt people, hurt people. So as crazy as that sounds, in a weird way, he's articulating him being honest with his reasons for doing it, which honestly seem honest. It's, you know, fucked up. But in a weird way, he is kind of recognizing it. I don't know if I could be mad, because it's just like, He recognizes what he's doing, but it's also does that make it worse? What it doesn't make it is okay. Like his reasonings and his depression is certainly above my, like, ability to, like, diagnose or explain to you, like, what you should or shouldn't be okay with. And more importantly, like, why he does what he does.

But, you know, I guess to correct myself, I do feel like I can strongly say, like, you don't have to be okay with. Like, it doesn't, it's not an excuse for poor treatment, especially consistently poor treatment. treatment, especially when it's your husband, especially when you have a kid together, and especially when some of the things he says, it's potentially really damning. Like, we all have a limit. And you can give your husband grace and you have empathy for his condition. But at some point, you need to be happy to. You're getting to a place, correct me if I'm wrong, where you're starting to wondering of what he's saying is true. Like, how much is it is true? Because you keep saying it. It's like our drunk thoughts, honest thoughts or something like that. You know, like our, it is, is he saying it, you know, maybe he's hurt, but like what point, what part of it is, is he also, does he also believe it? You know, it's like, sometimes we don't say things because we, we still believe it, but we don't say it because it's still mean, you know, it's just like, well, I'm not going to say that, you know, but deep down maybe I believe it.

And now you're, I'm guessing, it's starting to get into your head. It's been hard because it's like been ongoing for, since she was born, really, well, before that, but it got worse after she was born. And he just hasn't really made too much of an effort with her, too. So then him treating me the way he's treating me and then treating her the way he's treating her. How does he treat her? Well, he won't, like, interact with her. So I get, like, coming home from work, being tired, you, like, worked all day, whatever.

But, like, every day to come home, go straight into the bathroom and go sit in there and go shower, sit on your phone, and then sometimes smoke some weed and just sit in there. and he'll be in there for anywhere from an hour to five hours when he comes home and then just go straight to bed. Other days, it's just fine. He comes out. He'll sit with us. It'll be whatever. But he won't interact with her.

He'll just sit and play on his phone. And I'm just like, well, what if most dads are like this? Most dads just sit and play on their phone? I don't really know. I don't think so or I don't know, not the good ones, you know. I mean, listen. Changing her diaper too. Like, he was weird about that.

He was like, well, I don't want to change your diaper because it's like, we're not like the same. And then, like, so he has. hasn't really changed any diapers or anything. That's crazy. It's crazy. A man, I don't know if they normally do. I changed a lot of diapers. I change more diapers than Natalie. You know, she gives me the, and I'm happy to do that. Natalie, Natalie does so much that, you know, I don't do, but I'm, I'm happy to do that. And that's just a weird thing to say, I mean, like, yeah, everyone deserves their privacy, but don't be fucking weird. It's your kid and just change their diaper. You know, and so a lot of it's just built in excuses. He's 22. The big question is, like, what is he, he can recognize there's an

issue. Sounds like he does apologize sometimes. Like, what is he doing about it to change the behavior, if anything? I mean, the past two weeks, he's kind of just been interacting with this more. And it just feels like, because it was about two or three weeks ago where I told him I was like, I literally can't do this anymore. Like, I'm not going to sit here and suffer because you're miserable and then you want to make everybody else around you miserable and hurt. So he's just been interacting more. I was like, I don't know if he's trying to like interact with us and be around us and be more pleasant because he cares and he was like, oh shit, like she's going to leave or it's a temporary thing to get me to cool off so that I don't get to that point even though I'm still like

almost in that limbo that everybody talks about. It's like, what is it too, too good to leave or too bad or I don't remember really saying, but. Well, the reality is, is like, You're in a very difficult spot. I mean, you have a young child, you're married. This is not like leaving your situation ship or your boyfriend of a year or even your fiancé. It's a challenge for you, right? So, like, you would probably definitely not stay in this situation

if some of those things weren't a reality. So I don't even think it's a matter of like, not quite bad enough to leave, but, you know, type whatever the saying is, I get what you're trying to say. But I think the reality is, is like it's going to be, it's, this is a, for you to leave, this is a huge, it's a very scary thing. And then it feels like, you know, like breaking up the family unit.

And then it's like it feels like it's all my fault. It's definitely not your fault. I want her to have a whole thing, but it's like she doesn't deserve to watch us not like each other. And then part of me that feels like I'm really shut off to this now is I don't really feel anything towards him. I just do what I do. And that he just does what he does. And he thinks that we're all fine. But I'm just sitting here thinking I feel nothing.

I feel numb. Like I'm just on autopilot right now. But recently you have told them that it's not all fine, correct? Mm-mm. Yeah, he understands that we're still trying to like, because we got in the arguments and stuff. And then we were going to get divorce. And then we were like, okay, well, we're going to work on it, but it's not for sure that we're going to state it. What was the working on it part?

Him just like not sitting in the bathroom his entire day, like actually not sitting on his phone all day. What does he do about his depression? So he didn't really talk to his family for a long time and he finally reconnected with them, which they had issues. So that was a hard thing. But he loves his dad so much. and he needed to start talking to his dad again, at least for him to make himself feel better. He started doing that, and that seemed to make him not feel as depressed,

but then it's like, I don't really understand how someone was bringing works out depressed, but he was just like, he'll be fine, and then he's just like, I just want to kill myself. And like, we'll say it in front of our daughter, and I'm like, she does not need to listen to this. I know she's a baby and doesn't understand, but she'll understand soon enough. Yeah, no, that is a good point. When I say, like, is he in therapy?

I mean, he's, if he's... No, he went to therapy, but then he came back from therapy and told me that the therapist was out to get him and that she didn't like him. And this therapist also sees my mom sometimes, has seen me. And so he thinks that she's just like, because one time when he landed there, she accused him or not, not like directly accused him, but like was like, you can tell me like if you did something, like kind of almost like saying that if he cheated on me or something that he could tell her. which pretty sure he has never cheated on me. Well, if he knows that you're seeing this therapist and your mom seeing this therapist, I can see why he doesn't feel totally safe with this therapist. Well, and that was him meeting me in the middle was going to this therapist because he wouldn't find

his own therapist. Because I was like, you need to go talk to somebody about this. And he was like, no. And then he was seeing her and I stopped going to therapy because I was like, I'm fine. I don't need to go to therapy. I mean, I could, but I don't want to at this time. And then he just, it was just. just all bad things. It was the therapist is this or that, but I understand what you're

talking about. It's great that you're communicating that you're fed up. That's hard enough to do. But it doesn't sound like he has the tools or the ability to, or you guys have the tools, the ability to fix this on your own. Like, what does that mean? You know, like, I smoke weed, so it's like I'm not trying to be a hypocrite here, but like I'm also not clinically depressed. I don't know how smoking weed affects someone who is actually depressed. I'm guessing not great. Probably doesn't help. I could be wrong. Yeah, I don't think it helps.

I mean, maybe sometimes you might feel a short term. Like, it helps you in one day, but not, like, for the long term. But the point is, is like, if all you're doing is hoping that he's going to wake up and be a different person someday, I don't think that's going to happen. You either have to, like, really sit him down and to say, hey, I really want to make this work. And he's got to be willing to want to do something. He's got to say, I want to fight for my family. I don't want to be this way. I'm sorry, I do this to you.

You know, you need to at least in the middle, in between these toxic times, it doesn't make what he says okay. But if he's not even like acknowledging what he's doing to the point where he doesn't want to be this person and he's willing to do something about it, then he's not giving you much to work with. Yeah. You're only 22. You have a lot of life ahead of you. You're going to be okay. It probably doesn't feel this way right now. But he has got to give you a reason to have hope.

And hope's already dangerous enough. But he's not giving you much. So I'm not telling you to leave or anything like that, but just make sure you know what you're fighting for. And make sure you, if nothing else, do you feel like you have someone at least there who also wants to try to fix this? And what is he willing to do with you to fix it? Being off his phone a little bit less is not, that's not. It's bare minimum. Also, like, yeah, it's avoiding the triggering states where he says these really mean things to you and things that sit with you and things that are hard to hear.

the environment you feel like you're putting you and your daughter in is like how do you avoid that and does he recognize that that's a really ugly thing he's doing well now it's another thing too that he said that was kind of screwed up because so he's like with his depression and stuff he said well I said do you why do you don't want you shouldn't say these things in front of her because you don't want her to feel the same way you're feeling do you and then he was like well she's going to um eventually because it's um genetic And I was like, I don't think it, I mean, I feel like it's genetic to a point, but it's also environmental. So like if you're around a bunch of stuff that makes you depressed, they're going to be depressed.

Yeah, I, I, yeah. She can't be. It's not, like, that was not. That's also like not the answer. I don't know. Like, yeah. It sounds like your husband has a lot of hurt and pain. And it sounds like he's been through a lot.

And that's sad. And I empathize for him. But it's still not okay for how you're feeling. And maybe you need to take a step back. You know, if he's not, you know, maybe it's not a matter of like immediately, you know, maybe there's a separation. Maybe he just needs to like, hey, you really need to go get help until you do. I don't know if I can have you around me and our daughter.

Yeah. You know, do you have a good support system outside of him? I do. I have a lot of people around me. That's the other thing for him is I have all this great support on my end, but his end is not. Maybe he's die a little bit, but he's not that comfortable with him yet because he's not comfortable with the rest of his family. And then that's like another issue that we have is he is somewhat, he always feels like a lots of people like hate him and he like, it feels like he digs

too deep into a conversation. Like, you know, when you go and you have a conversation with somebody, you go back and you think about it and you're like, oh, I shouldn't have said this or I should have said this. Well, he does that, but he was, he like, we're like, well, when they said this, and then he gets all angry and said they hate me or they're angry at me or they're this or that. And then he feels like everybody hates him and like he feels like my family hates him. And he feels like they make him uncomfortable. And then I try to talk about it to him about it. And I don't really get much answers other than they make me uncomfortable.

But like why? And then he doesn't say. Yeah, I don't have all the answers to how to fix your husband. All I can do is validate you in the fact that like this isn't okay. It can't continue. You're not wrong for considering what you're considering. Something's got to change. You two, and specifically him, have to make some meaningful actions.

Relationships are really hard, right? Even the good ones go through some bad periods. But it's, I think, for the people who are able to get through really dark times in relationships, it's because they feel, they still, like, no matter how bad it is, it's like we fight, we've both hurt each other, they lied to me. They still feel like that other, that person feels real regret and sorrow. They, like, they want to work on it. You know, sometimes that regret and sorrow and I want to work on it is maybe it that doesn't always fix it.

Like sometimes it could be disingenuous. But you need at least that. You need a, I really don't want to be this way. I really am sorry. I do, you know, what can I do? What can we do? Because a lot of times people don't follow through with that. But that is the bare minimum.

It's feeling like the person on the other side wants, wants to fight with you to make this thing work. And if the other person is not even in the fight, you know, if they're checked out, if they're too incapable because maybe they have so much pain on the inside to even consider how you're feeling, that is a really hard place to start from. And I just don't, I just don't want to see you wait around too much longer for something that just like can't get fixed. Just to hope that it gets better. Just a hope that it gets better.

But if he's refusing any kind of help, and I'm not saying therapy is the end-all-be-all, but he's got to be willing to do something. He's got to be willing to try to fix this, right? To have the, okay, fine, people hate me. I'm feeling sad, but what can I do? How do I get out of this? And again, I don't know how to deal with clinical depression. You know, I'm not a psychologist, but like,

I also don't think it's your cross to bear forever. And there is a limit to the environment you should be putting yourself and your daughter in. Well, I feel like if it was just us, I'd be like, I don't really believe in divorce, but, like, if you're going to keep treating me like this, like, I'm just going to leave and it's just almost simpler. But since it's her, like, even just talking about if he would have her, since he never really, like, puts her to bed or bades her or repeats her, like, anything is all up to me. And I also still work a full-time job, too, so it's, I feel a little unfair because we both work.

Sometimes he works, most of the time he works less hours than I do. If I want to go out and do something, I can't just leave her with him. I take her to my parents' house because he doesn't want to watch her. And so it's just like it feels like this is very unfair on my, or like for me and for her if he doesn't want to actually put in any effort. It's not fair, you know. And then there's the other voice in my head that's like, well, you're a mom, so you have to take her or anything, everything anyways. He's a dad, you know, like he, you know, there's a lot of dads who do their part or at least try.

And he's not. But he's suffering. I have empathy for him, but it doesn't make it okay. That's where I feel so, because I am very empathetic towards him too, and I just, I feel, I was just someone like, if you're hurting, I'm hurting for you. And it makes me feel sad for him. And I try to be there as much as I can because it's like, I see his pain. Yeah.

I think you can have empathy for someone without, and it doesn't mean that it requires an excuse for their behavior. Mm-hmm. So you can have empathy for them. The difference between having empathy and not having empathy for your husband, for example, or anyone in these situations, is to give up on them and just, like, call them a monster or a psychopath or just a terrible person. The empathy is to, like, understand that, like, while they're doing bad things, they have trauma and there's a reason that isn't just as simple as they're a bad person. It doesn't excuse the behavior, and it doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

So don't confuse your empathy for your husband with a feeling of, like, this is your cross to bear or that no matter what you have to put up with this, you know, or that it makes it okay for him to say what he says to you. It's not. He has to find the moments to like say, I, like, the clear, if he has no moment of clarity where he doesn't want to treat his wife or child this way, I don't know what hope there is. There's got to be that. He's got to say, he says he wants to be better. He wants to do these things, but then no follow through with it. Well, then you say, you got to do more than just want it. I have to see it from you. You got to do something about it. You have to keep reminding him

gently as I can't keep doing this. And if all you're going to do is say you don't want to be this way, you know, maybe it's couples therapies together. Maybe he needs to hear. And maybe it's not the same therapist that you go to. It's got to be a neutral party. But he has to get to a place where, you know, he can't be making excuses for why he does what he does or doesn't do what he does.

You know, the fact that he has a daughter. And he's like, change the diaper. Help out. And if it's not changing a diaper, give a bath. I got this. Go take a break. Go relax. Just the consideration. It's, like, it's a simple, that's this hard thing. It's like, it sounds dumb, but it's like the stupidest thing is just changing a diaper. It feels so nice to me in my head because, like, you care and you want to do this. And he's not even doing that.

And he, like, he always wants praise when he does things that he's not supposed to do. Like, if he cleans the kitchen or does the dishes or something. What do you mean? Not supposed to do. I got it. Where did this? Well, in his brain, in his brain, that's my job. That's crazy. And, I mean, I did it because I'm, I mean, that's kind of. of how we are because like the women does all the cleaning and whatnots. And what in what era? Like it's 2026. You know, like I don't like. This is true.

You're sounding like it's 1950, you know. I know. You guys have a household. The job's done when the job's done. Everyone needs to help. It's everyone's job. I mean, it just is. When you have a kid together, everyone, you know, it's everyone's job. There's no, this is your job. This is my job. You work. If this is 1950, why aren't you staying home constantly with nothing to do but clean the kitchen? It's, that's crazy, you know. And, you know. And. You have to put, you can't accept that as an answer. You can't, you know, like, that's crazy. Well, the other thing that scares me is, like, I've been with him since I've been 15.

And I know it's, I mean, it's a valid fear, but it's nothing. Like, I'm also still so young. But it's just like I've only known being with him. And, like, I've only ever been with him, like, physically and emotionally and stuff. And so that really just is another thing that just scares me. Totally. Even though I'm still young. You are young, but you do have a support system.

And, like, so many, like, so many people in your, position don't they're really alone and the fact that you're not you're lucky that way so like you're in a tough spot but thankfully you feel good about the support system you have if you decide to leave him definitely take a break you don't i want to get back out there right away just take care of your mental health take you know focus on your daughter get yourself in a healthy situation but yeah like breakups are hard and like it's scary and like it would be it's going to be nerve-racking for you to move on for sure but like it's better than like right now this is this is torture This is an emotional torture that's not fair.

And, you know, sometimes relationships have to go through these difficult times. But he has to give you some hope. He has to acknowledge that this is not how he, that it's not okay to think this way, to act this way, to be this way. And he has to want to do something about it. And if you're spending time arguing with him about his role, about doing diapers and dishes, and then he's saying mean things to you, like, come on. Yeah.

I just feel like I've just gotten. It used to just accepting the bare minimum because I don't know what that feels like. But you know, but you know it's like, you know, you called in, right? You had the guts to call in. But you know, you know what I'm saying? You know. You don't know what good might feel like, but you know this isn't okay. Well, and what you're saying too is like my sister and my friends have said that. Like some of my friends wanted to just like come over here and just beat him. And I'm like, girl, no. But what they really want is you to be okay. And they want you to like expect more for yourself and just, you know, again, you don't know what better looks like because you've never

had it, but you know this isn't okay. And even if it's just the peace of mind to not have to be belittled every day, to not have to wonder, you know, why this person doesn't give a shit enough to even change a diaper. It's defeating, you know. Yeah. Even if he just left for work for a couple of days. He was gone for over a week. And it was just me and her. And I kind of felt guilty because it felt so peaceful and I wasn't having to worry about anything else except for us. And like he didn't really message me or try to call me while he was gone. I think he called me once and I probably got maybe five text messages and he was gone for over a week. And I, I didn't bother to reach out to him because I was like, I'm just going to enjoy this time and see how I feel because it's almost like,

in my brain it was like a mini test of like how I would be if I'm by myself. And I felt so guilty because it felt so much, it just felt fine. It felt okay to be like that. Yeah, that should tell you something. Yeah. And I think I know in my gut, it's just hard. It is hard. Yeah. No, it's a tough spot. Take your time. I mean, like, you don't have to rush to a decision, but listen to yourself. And that, you know, hearing you say that out loud to tell you something. Yeah. Well, I haven't said it out lots of, like, my friends or stuff because, like, then they're, like, pressuring me to leave, like, my sister already is doing that, but I'm like, I'm not listening to you. I'm trying to figure it out, like, seeing if he can be better and work it out somehow because I don't like to try to listen

to other people, even though it's like, they'll play a role no matter what. But what is the somehow is the question, right? How is he going to do it? Because right now, you are just banking on somehow, and somehow when you say it aloud, it's just like, it tells you that deep how it's like, I think you very much doubt his willingness to make the necessary changes. Yeah. Well, because one of the times we were talking about like trying to figure this out and but not he's like well we need to figure out if you're if you're going to stay or if you're going to go because if you go I'm just going to leave and I am going to just try to have to figure out a whole new life like he's just going to up and dip and just like not even be in our daughter's life and then so that wasn't another

thing that was like okay is this a cherry on top of just like what is going on you can't make him want to be a father to his daughter whether you're together or not yeah and again, like that's kind of a shitty for thing to say. It's kind of like a threat, right? But at the end the day, if he doesn't want to be a good father or be a present father or be in his daughter's life, he's not going to, you know, and he, that's his decision. It's not your responsibility to make him a father for your, for your kid. You can encourage him. You know, Natalie encourages me. I encourage, you know, like she's this amazing mother. But like there are times where like, you know, Natalie has a complicated relationship with her dad. So like she's very mindful of of how present I am with River. And she's just

very, you know, and it's very important for her for her daughter to have a positive relationship with her dad, which is me. Yeah. And obviously I really want to be a good father and I'm very present. But like I, you know, I will, I listen, you know, when my, when Natalie checks in with me and she gives me a nudge. And sometimes it can be frustrating, but I know it comes from a good place. You know, and right now he's, he's just, it's, but it's, you know, it's, but it's, you know, You know what I'm saying? At the end of the day, I want to be a good dad. And he has to want to be a good dad. You can't make him. He almost feels like he wants to be a good dad, like he wants to do the other things to make a relationship better with the no follow through on the back end. Say that again. What do you mean? Where he says he wants to do things. Like you want to be better husband. You want to be a better dad, but no follow through to like do the steps to actually do the thing. But that's the thing. You know, like I want to be a good father. And I am. You know, like I show up and I check myself. especially now that now he's pregnant i you know i can't carry two babies i'm not the one whose stomach is growing really fast i can jump out of bed when river gets up in the middle of the night i can change her diaper

i can help out i can all the things i know that are difficult for nalia right now i make sure i'm doing because i can and i want to and it's helpful that doesn't also mean i'm perfect right even though i'm doing all those things i can still like get notes from my wife or have or advice or just words of encouragement. And even though I do all those things, you know, I want to listen to her because I know it comes from a good place. Saying you want to be a good dad, what does that mean? He's also saying he wants, he's going to abandon you if you leave him. Like, he's going to abandon his daughter if you step out of, you know, if you leave the marriage. He says some cruel and nasty things. And you're just begging him to stop and you're asking him to make changes,

but he's not, he's not doing anything. He's not even doing the bare minimum. Yeah. You're not responsible for how he shows up as a father. It's not your job to make him want to be a good dad. It's, you know, you can help him. You can give advice, but it ultimately comes down to him to want to do it. If he doesn't want to do it, he's not going to do it. He's got to want to help himself. You can have empathy for his past or why he is the way he is,

but it's not an excuse for how he treats you. And you are young. It's difficult as is. You have a lot of life in front of you. And you can change things around pretty drastically. and don't be afraid to listen to your support system and just be glad that you have that support system and lean on them when in this time. Your daughter is going to be okay because she has you and hopefully he figures shit out. It might take a while. There's a lot of, unfortunately,

a lot of parents, especially dads out there who, you know, at this stage in her life right now, unfortunately, your daughter might be a teenager or adult before he comes around, but maybe he'll come around then. Well, I get that too because growing up with my dad, he, he wasn't around for entire childhood because he was a really bad alcoholic. And then he got, he almost died. They were like, you need to stop drinking and you're going to die. And then so that didn't happen until we were about like 15, 16. And then he got sober and then got better. And then we didn't really know, know him until we were older, like probably 16, 17 when he wasn't alcoholic. And then that makes me worry for her because it's like I went through that. And I mean, I'm

pretty okay. I'm pretty have a good head on my shoulders. And so this doesn't really affect me too badly, but I just worry for her. We always worry for our kids, but you are okay. And we all come with baggage and scars, and, you know, you can only do so much to protect your kids. But she does have you and she has, you know, like she is lucky. And she's going to be okay. She won't be perfect. No one is. I have been like praying about this so much. And I don't know if this was just me being delusional, but the morning I prayed, I was like, what do I do? And I'm just like, I am at my wits end. And like, is this is like divorce and auction? And there was a freaking earthquake. And I was like, and then I'm on course on Google. Like, what does this mean? And it's like, oh, this could just be

nothing. Or it's like, this is a pressure breaking and blah, blah, blah. And I was just like spiraling about it. And I was like, oh my gosh, this is so silly. Well, it's not silly. I mean, you're, you're in a, you're in a really tough spot, you know. It's a, it's a big decision. It's not easy, you know. It's not fair that you have to consider leaving a marriage that, you know, you never planned on leaving. and you're fighting this fight by yourself and you have a kid, a young daughter who needs you, you have a husband who's mentally unwell, who you have to try to take care of while he's also not night.

I mean, it's a really tough spot you're in. So give yourself some grace, but instead of like, you know, Googling what does an earthquake mean in terms of like, is God speaking to me? Like, trust your instincts, trust your gut. But like, also like allow your support system to help you up. In the beginning, I was like,

I will never move on my parents because when you're moving with your parents, I feel like you pay with your mental health, not with money. Well, it depends on who your parents are. And my parents, they're very nice, but just like, I feel like after being around them for a while, it's like, okay, I've had enough. Well, then maybe there's other options. But right now, I mean, you just got to get yourself out of this rut somehow.

I've been stuck here since, like, February. And so it's like, how much longer do I sit here or I need to take an action? Because I've seen lots of people around me that are miserable. And it's like these people that just stay in, relationships just because it's easier or just for the kids. And I'm like, I don't, I'm young enough where it's like, I need to do something. We need to fix this or I need to go because I can't be I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life. Yeah. And in your situation, doesn't sound like being in this relationship is easier. Having him gone is you're happier. I just feel so guilty

because it's like I love him and care for him. But his, his problems are my problems now. And even though they shouldn't be. You care about him as a person. You've known him for a long time, you know, that's normal. You're a human being, you know, but it's not, it doesn't make it okay how he's treating you and how you're made to feel. And you're right. You are. Yeah. You deserve better. God knows you're trying. You're not quitting. If you choose to move on, this isn't you quitting. It's doing what you have to do to survive, literally. It's giving you and your daughter a better life because he has not, he's not willing to try. And he's got to be willing to try. Yeah. Well, I want to give her the best life possible. And it's like, I even told him that this might just sound silly, but.

But I was like eventually I want to like buy a house and have a property for us to just like live on and just have some land for ourselves. And then you told me if you want that, you need to go with be with somebody else that will give that to you. And I was like, do you don't want to work for it with me or? And it was like, no. I'm like, okay. He just wants the bare minimum for our lives. He doesn't really care to do anything more. Listen, it sounds like he's in a really bad place.

This is deeper than I, you know, my level of experience. But the fact that he is depressed, it's not shocking that he doesn't have a lot of reasons to hope or he's giving up on himself or he's again, he's hurting inside. But it doesn't, it's not an excuse. And again, you can have empathy for him, but it doesn't mean you have to accept this for yourself. Yeah. It doesn't have to be a bad guy for you to realize that this is a bad situation for you. You've tried and you are trying. And I'm guessing you'll continue to try for a period of time. But at some point, you have to give you. yourself permission in the grace to say enough is enough. Yeah. And you will, you will, you will give your daughter the life that she, you know, she'll, she'll be okay. She has you. Mm-hmm.

All right. That's what I've been told, like, over and over by literally anybody that I've talked to my situation about, which is just, like, close people. Yeah. Because they know how much I care for her. And, like I've said, like, no matter what happens with this relationship, like, I have no regret because of her. her. She is like the best thing ever and she has made me like the happiest. And I feel like I was meant to be a

mom and I just, I just love her so much. That's amazing, right? So like that's a beautiful thing. Lean into that. Remember that, you know, and give her what she needs. It's time to stop making him the top priority and focusing on what he needs. You've tried that. You need to focus on yourself and her and hopefully he recognizes that he doesn't want to lose this, but that's his decision. You can encourage him to get the help that you think he needs, he ultimately has to do it. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks. Try to focus on the positive as hard as it is. Yeah. I also want to say, I think it's so fun that Natalie is pregnant with twins because I'm a twin myself. Oh, are you? Okay. Uh-huh. We're fraternal twins, but like... We're having fraternal twins. Is it a, do you have a sister or...

Yeah, we're twin sisters. Okay. And then, uh, it's just, it's so fun because we were always, like, with each other. And then, of course, we have a younger sister. She's only like five years younger than us. But we would always be ganging up on her. And are you guys close despite being fraternal? Yeah, we are. Do you guys look alike? Um, I look more like my younger sister than I do my twin, which is weird. I, we can see him in the ultrasounds. They look different. And I think one looks like river and one looks not like river. So I heard he's talking about the noses. Yeah. It's like one's big and Natalie's like, what? I mean, it's an answer sound, so.

Yeah, I know. It's funny, though. Well, thanks for calling. I'm sorry you going through this. Lean on your sister, you know. That's a beautiful thing, right? You have your twin. You have someone who's like, you shared an entire life with.

Like, in these difficult times, it's going to be really hard for you to think clearly or know what's best for yourself. Allow your support system to help you do what's best for you because sometimes it might feel like you don't know what to do. And that's normal and that makes a lot of sense. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. All right. Thank you. We'll take care of. Yeah, you too. All right. Bye-bye. Bye.

A lot of people assume strength, energy, and resilience are all about discipline or hard work. But the older I get, the more I realize so much of it starts at the cellular level. Every workout, long day, body recovery, and bounce back. It all depends on energy. And that energy comes from your might. mitochondria, the power source inside your cells. That's what made timeline so interesting to me. Most people focus on protein and training hard to build muscle and performance, but supporting the cells behind your energy production is just as important. And the reality is mitochondrial function

naturally declines as we age, which can affect energy, recovery, endurance, and muscle strength over time. So, timeline developed mitopure, a supplement that helps your body remove damage mitochondria and helps your cells produce energy more efficiently. Muscle health isn't just about building size. It's about supporting strength, movement, recovery, and long-time resilience. And since muscle cells require a ton of energy supporting mitochondrial health can play a huge role in how your body performs and recovers over time. Timeline has spent over 15 years researching mitochondria health, invested over 50 million

into research and conducted multiple human clinical trials. In one study, participants experienced a 12% improvement in muscle strength in four months. No change in exercise. honestly, I've been, you know, I have less and less time to work out these days as busy as I am. And so anything helps. And timeline has been really good for me. Again, as I hate saying, I'm getting older. I hate admitting it.

But that is a reality of life. And I've been using timeline to make sure that my body is recovering as it needs to. Every bit helps and timeline is by my side as I get older. What I like about timeline is that it's focused on foundational health instead of quick fixes. It's about supporting your energy and strength from the inside out, which feels more important the busier life becomes. It's always looking for ways to support long-term health recovery and resilience. And this has been a really smart addition to my routine.

Timeline's clinically proven formula is now available at a new lower price. Might up here now starts at $79 when you go to timeline.com slash V-I-A-L. Again, that's timeline.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Hey, listen, it's spring. It's time to refresh. Refresh your house. Refresh your outdoor space. We're doing that up at the lake.

and we are going to article to get some great outdoor furniture. We've had some great outdoor furniture. Hey, for some time now, we've talked about it, some amazing, these fancy, I call them fancy beanbag chairs, but they're like lounge chairs that are soft and easy to wash, durable. We've had them for over two years now. They look as good as new. Also, some great lounge chairs. They have great couches, great dining tables, every rooting your house.

They have you covered everything from packaging to furniture is sturdy, well-made, and high quality. We have a toddler at home and twins on the way. we always want to make our house feel cozy and comfortable. An article has us do it. It's always our first go-to and we're looking for a new piece of furniture because article has it all. Also, what I love about article, it's just a really easy shopping experience and most of their furniture on their website is ready to ship when you buy it, which is not the case with most furniture stores. You're always waiting weeks, sometimes months to get the furniture you want. Not with

article. It's wonderful. It's easy. It's painless. Their customer service is amazing. They also have their 30-day satisfaction guarantee in a very easy return process. So anytime you're not absolutely in love with your article furniture. No problem. You can exchange it or just get your money back. It makes such a big difference because obviously you want to make sure you feel great with great furniture. It's an investment in your happiness.

So invest in your happiness and get some article furnitures to refresh your space. Any room in your house can be improved with article. Article offers a curated range of mid-century modern, coastal and Scandinavian spider pieces that not only shine on their own but also pair seamlessly with nearly any other article product. This thoughtful design approach makes it incredibly easy to mix and match helping you create a space that feels cohesive and stylish. Can't save enough of amazing things about article.

I've been a customer for article for over seven years now. Again, it's always my go-to for any great pieces of furniture. It's durable, well-made, and looks stylish. So if you're looking to upgrade any room in your house this spring, look to article. Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more to claim. Visit article.com slash V-I-A-L, and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash V-I-A-L for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. This one's for all my TV lovers.

My Entertainment from DirecTV gets you 60-plus channels and Disney Plus Hulu and HBO Max, all in one pack. But here's the thing with so much great TV in My Entertainment, you're going to want to talk about everything you've been watching. Just remember that your friends might not be as well watched as you. Don't be a spoiler and encourage them to get My Entertainment for just $3499 a month. Go to directTV.com slash genre packs and sign up today. New customers only service renews monthly unless canceled. Credit card required conditions applied to all apps.

HBO, Max, basics, and ads begin after DirecTV five-day trial. Learn more at directTV.com or strictions apply. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Victoria and I am 24 years old.

How can I help Victoria? Okay. So my 40-year-old married coworker is hitting on me. How do I set a boundary and not make a boundary? and not make it uncomfortable. Okay. So, and you're like, to be clear, you're not, like, interested. You don't like this that he's doing this?

I do not. Okay. No. How big is this company? It's a school, a public middle school. It's a public middle school. Yeah. Did they have HR or do they have, like, a how, I'm assuming on the first day in the job,

they played a video, what to do in these situations? I don't know, like. No, they definitely did. Now, did I pay attention to that? Okay. Not necessarily. I joined the school year kind of abruptly. So you kind of have to go through all those videos and do all that kind of stuff, but it was in the middle of the semester.

So I guess I didn't really take my time to sit down and watch all those. But I know we for sure, for sure happening. Okay. Do you know who that person is? Yes. Yes, yes, I do. Like, I can get in contact with them if I need to. don't know their name. It's just like an overall HR email.

How long have you been there? It sounds like you maybe haven't been at the school for a long time. Is that part of your notice? Yeah, no, not at all. Um, the school year started August of 25, 2025 and I joined October of 2025. Okay. See, it's not like that new. Yeah. Okay. And do you, I'm assuming you have like friends there or do you, do you, have you made no, you don't like, no one. No. This was. the first person I sort of met. And I guess we kind of bonded or connected or at least sparked a conversation. And but I have, I don't have any friends there. I don't really know anyone. I still feel like a newbie, even though I'm not really a newbie. Okay. Is that because like, is all the other

teachers older? Or you just know when you really have anything in common with? Or I honestly don't know. I don't know if it's a me issue or I, I, I just haven't really connected with anyone. I feel like I'm trying to do and I'm trying to put, I'm trying to make friends there. But I just, I just, just nothing's really landed other than with the married man. So it started kind of harmless and he was nice to you. And you're like, oh, someone's talking to me. 100%. That's a bummer.

Yeah. And like that is it, I'm assuming there's a plenty. It's mostly, I mean, obviously men and women teachers, they both exist. But I'm assuming it's at least ill-slanted towards women. Yeah, I would say. So I don't know for sure. but I definitely think it's, I see more women around than men. Is this elementary, middle school, high school?

Middle school, so just seventh and eighth grade. How many teachers work there? Probably, I probably around 40. Okay. What do you teach? I teach theater. Okay. I'm a drama teacher.

Yeah. So like, you haven't met anyone that you've kind of. No. So drama is new to the school. The theater is new to the school. I'm fresh out of college. This is my first, like, job job because you know i've worked throughout college and high school and all that but um so basically

this is i saw it online i was in the middle of my student teaching i applied interviewed got the job i was like holy cow this is awesome like i haven't even graduated yet and i'm already starting my career i felt very accomplished right and this is new to the school new to the students they've never had a theater department before so i'm essentially building it from the ground up like they don't have any set, any costumes, props, nothing, anything to make a theater department. That's a lot of hard work. Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely a lot of hard work. But yeah, basically, I just met him in the copy room one day. And I am not skilled when it comes to like stagecraft or carpentry or building things, anything like that. Like, I took a couple stagecraft classes in college,

but he told me, hey, I actually did short films and carpentry stuff for our state for films. And I was like, no way because, like, I can't do any of that. You know, anything you need let me know. So that's kind of how that door opened. So yeah, totally harmless, totally innocent. And then it just kind of progressed on me. Well, so you thought. Yeah, true, true.

And so you're expected to build all this stuff? You don't like, they're just. No, no, definitely not. They're not really, they just want the kids to have this. And I want the kids to have this. But I think I want it to be like that. Like, I want a production. I want to play.

I started an after. school program for the school so the students could put on an actual play. There are other teachers who have their after school programs and we have to go and wait for the kids to get picked up. And so I'm trying to connect with other teachers and trying to form these bonds and it's just nothing is landing. Are there women your age, give or take a few years? There are. Okay. So it's not like it's a bunch of 50 year old women in you. No. I mean, there are 50 year old women in me, but of all age ranges. It's a, it's a variety for sure the diversity there is as far as teachers go is great do you remember like an occasion where like anyways the reason why I'm asking us and I'm sure you get it it's just like I empathize

because like this idea that you have the only connection you've made is this 40 year old married man where it's where it started seemingly harmless like he was being friendly and being nice only for it to him start making uncomfortable passes at you and you have like no ally or friends at this workplace. And then it's easy for me to say, well, go to HR and say that, but I imagine that comes with a lot of anxiety and fear. Totally.

Right? And I don't know. And that's also, I guess, a question I have is I don't know. I don't think it's gotten to that point where I have to, but it also might, I've never experienced this before. I don't know. Like how, how, what's, do you remember, like, what's the most uncomfortable situation you felt like he put you in?

There's been a couple, but the big, I feel like the big one where I was like, oh, no, he for sure is hitting on me. He for sure is flirting with me is he would ask to like hang out at school. He'd be like, oh, come to my classroom. We'll do this and that and watch movies and talk to one another. And I've always said, no, no, no. Like I have this, like I've just kind of avoided that because I did know that he was married. And then over spring break, which was recently, he had messaged me about wanting to go to a spring train. training game together. And I was like, oh, like, are you getting a work group together? Like, is this like a thing, like a coworker outing? And he was like, no, I have an extra ticket. And in my head, I just was like, why don't you take your wife? So that made me really uncomfortable. And I said no to that. That was probably the biggest one. And then, oh, noticing, he notices when my car is there super late, which just also kind of just raises red flags, kind of crosses that line a little bit for me. I'm like, why, like, why do you care if I'm here? Why are you noticing my car is here? Also, my car is the only one here. because I have the play, like I'm doing the after-school play, so that kind of...

What's he doing other than watching? That's what I'm saying. I have no idea. You don't have an after-school program. What were you hoping I would help you out with here? I guess what, like, in your mind, I don't, like, I don't mean to pass this off because, like, again, like, I think the obvious answer is, like, if it gets to a certain point where you start feeling unsafe, you need to speak up and say something about this. But I do want to recognize that that's easy for me to say and much harder from an execution standpoint.

And unfortunately, too many women have been made to feel the consequences of speaking up and standing out for themselves, especially in a workplace. For fear of retaliation, chances are he knows more people, he has more friends, no one knows you. It's harder to give the benefit of doubt to the stranger. You know, it can be scary, right? So I'm curious, like, what do you feel like your options are, giving your current situation?

Giving my current situation, I do feel like I have set a boundary in place. I think I was looking at the, in this current moment talking to you, I think I was looking to see if I was actually seeing red flags or if I was overthinking it. When I had initially emailed in, I was questioning how do I set this boundary? And now I'm like, okay, now I'm just sitting here spiraling and overthinking it. I'm like, okay, am I validated in the situation? Was it, what do, where do I go from here, I guess? Was, am I vindicated or validated?

Was I feeling the right things where the red flags raised for the right reason? Or is this totally innocent and I'm overthinking it? You're not overthinking it for sure. Yeah, I mean, they're valid. The question is, like, to me, it's like the question is, how much of a concern is he, right? Is this this a guy who's like a little lonely? Clearly, well, let's assume he's unhappy in his marriage and he befriended you and he's, he's made some inappropriate passes, but is he going to get the clue that you're not interested and ultimately just not be a threat to you? Or not, you know,

like, or is he just going to keep pushing? Correct. But where do you think, where do you think you're at on that, like, kind of scale? Every time I think it's done and I'm like he's not going to message me anymore, he's not going to say anything anymore. Something else pops up or he does find a way to contact me again. So I'm not sure. He could let it. It's been a couple of days. He could let it live for a couple of days or he could come back next week or I could never hear from him again.

Do you always respond? Yes. Stop responding. Okay. Like completely. If it doesn't require a response. And by require, I mean like work. Right.

You know, inviting you to the after the game, you thought, oh, maybe it's like a group event. So like that made sense that you inquired more. If it's just like, if it's just a random, if it feels really random and unnecessary, don't respond. If it feels, if it has nothing to do with work, I feel like you can don't respond. I think you always responding allows him to convince himself, well, at least she's responding. And I'm guessing you're probably trying to be polite. And so, yeah, like, is there anything, you know, when you go back and read those messages, if you're him, if you're looking for a way to justify, continue to reach out, could he read

those messages as not right now as opposed to never? Definitely. Like, could he convince himself that you're playing hard to get? Probably, because the amount of times that he has said, like, oh, like, come to my room afterwards. work or are you going to be here over spring break? Let's, if you're here, like, let's get together. And I'm like, oh, like, I have things to do maybe another time. Yeah.

I honestly, this thing stopped replying to that stuff. Mm-hmm. And definitely stop saying another time. Yeah. Yeah. And I think when you do that, I would just be, I don't want to say on high alert. But like, I think, first of all, find out who your HR person is. Yeah.

You know, and maybe just even strike up a rapport. casually, you know, just like get more information. Maybe, maybe we're not at the time where you have to do that yet. But like just, I think just. Just in case. Just in case, right? Because like, there's, I guess there's always a chance you could stop replying and you could like, I don't know.

I don't want to scare you, but like maybe like approach you and corner you and just like, why have you respond? I don't know. Like. Yeah. And I mean, that is, I don't think he. I mean, again, I don't think he would, but you never know. You never know.

And if I am there late and I'm the only person there. and I am a girl. Like, I don't want to. Yeah, you should be prepared. So you shouldn't just know. In the meantime, I would just stop replying to things that you don't need to reply. Stop worrying about being rude. Okay.

And that is a big fear of mine too, because like I said, this is the only person I've really talked to at this job and formed some sort of a connection with. Have you tried? Like, I don't want to be mean. Have you tried, like, when you're trying to talk to other women teachers, are they like ignoring you? Or are they like, what is, what is, what is, it's just not vibing or what? It's just not vibing. It's just not clear. I don't, I don't know what it is.

I sort of, I've always wanted to be a teacher. It's always been my passion. And I guess I sort of romanticize the idea of like, oh, I'm going to meet this young group of girl teachers and we're all going to go out for drinks afterwards and talk about the kids and talk about, you know, all this stuff. And I feel like maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe it's like the conversations are too forced because I'm forcing myself to have them.

And it's rubbing that in the wrong way. Maybe, but like, I don't know. Like, you're new and you're trying to get to know people. Like, what are you supposed to do? Exactly. Maybe, I mean, this isn't your forever job. There's that. Yeah.

And it sounds like you are trying to make friends, so I don't really have any notes for you on that. Yeah. So in the meantime, just stop replying and stop saying maybe in the future. And, you know, it's like, I feel like there's so many women listening to this who completely relate to what you're going through sadly. And I've heard enough of these stories to understand that, like, yeah, part of being polite is to protect yourself and to not trigger a guy into feeling like, you know, but I think it's okay for you not to reply.

You don't have to be rude. You can just not reply. And if he's like, if he sends you a text, oh, you don't have to, you don't want to reply, you could still not reply. Or you could just be like, sorry, really busy. Just really short. just really like stop being friendly. Stop.

Don't ask for his help anymore. Yeah. And that's also another thing is he did a big thing. He, the whole reason why we kept connecting is he built a lot of things for the school play that I'm putting on. I constantly asked, you know, can I help you? Is there a way I can reimburse you for this?

You're taking the time out of your, he was building them on the weekends, out of your weekend, your free time when this is time that could be spent with your wife and you're building things for me. For free. Yeah. And with theater, I have to give him like a shout out in like our program and stuff. Or I don't know if I have to, but I'm going to.

Give him a shout out, yeah. And then if he comes to the play and tries to talk or I don't, do I engage in that? Is that? Again, in a public environment, you can be friendly. You can be polite. You should definitely go out of your way to avoid being alone. And yeah, it's unfortunate, like this tricky situation where he's, he didn't. a nice thing for you. Nothing's free in this world. Clearly, he wanted something from it. And you have to

do this kind of tightrope walk of not responding and hope that he doesn't feel like, well, I did all this for you. And you give him a shout out. Again, like, this is not like a, this is a professional atmosphere. And I'm glad he stepped up and helped a fellow teacher. And yes, by all means, give him the shout out. Thank you, Mr. Smith for building such wonderful designs for the kids. You did it for the kids. he didn't do it for you. Give him his flowers to the public, but yeah, you don't owe him anything. But yeah, be professional, but be polite,

but be professional. And if he's texting you unprofessional things, you don't need to respond. Yeah. And I think the hope is he finally, he will get that. I don't know if you will, but that's the hope.

I don't know if I'm in a position to, like, give you this advice. But like, the question you have to ask yourself is, does it make sense to give him a chance, to say, hey, listen, I'm sure you mean well, but like, this doesn't feel appropriate, you know, hanging out with you, like a friend, like your, you know, or is it, or are you better off going straight to the HR? I don't have that answer. I bet there are people who, who professionals, like,

I don't know. You know what I'm saying? Because like, it would be before you do the thing where you kind of tell on him, would you give him the opportunity to say, just if it hasn't been clear already, I just like, listen, you're a great, I appreciate all your help. I, I really. I really, really do. But like it, and whether you meant it or not, like, some of the interactions make me like feel like it's crossing, you know, going beyond a professional relationship. And I, you know, just could you be mindful of that? And I'd love that to just stop. But that's honestly, the biggest question you might need to ask yourself is like, is the next step going to HR or is it giving him the opportunity one more time? But before you decide on that, I would probably check in

with someone who, like, maybe, I don't know, someone in HR or a friend. There's probably some, Like, hey, honestly, chat GPT. It's the best. Yeah, like, I don't think it's the best for everything, but there's probably some, like, HR, what to do in these situation, guidances you might be able to get, just like standard HR policy that might give you some perspective. Just from like, oh, I didn't consider that.

That could happen. But, like, I think you are better off. if you know someone who is actually in this field or has a perspective, they might be helpful. But to me, that sounds like the next big decision you have to make if not responding to him doesn't do the trip. So we are kind of, that's kind of where I'm at today is the last time we engaged, he had messaged me about my car being there. And I didn't answer because I was at the point of I'm just not going to acknowledge this guy anymore. I'm not going to communicate with him anymore if it's not work related. I made that decision.

I had not communicated that to him. And then a few hours later, he, oops, he messaged me back and had said, I don't know what's going on. We were so cool. And now you're not answering. Like, what I'm your coworker and I deserve an explanation. You told me he deserves an explanation or he feels like he deserves an explanation. And I just said, look, yeah. And I just said, I appreciate what.

I basically said what you said. I said, I appreciate everything you've done to help with the show. Going forward, I don't want to, I don't remember word for verbatim what I said, but I said going forward, I don't wish to communicate if it's not work related. And he said, Victoria, I'm so lost. I don't get it. But, okay, I'll take this as we don't communicate anymore. And I just didn't answer.

And that's been that. That's the last time you've had interactions? Mm-hmm. How long ago was that? That was on Monday or Tuesday and it's Friday. So two, three days ago. Okay. Definitely find out who your HR person is because like then then so you've done the thing that.

Yeah. So you've already done that. Yeah. So if he does, if he reaches out again, I think then I would need to take the next step. But I did put that boundary in place because I felt like I had to. Yeah. So yeah, I guess next step would be to contact HR. Any reasonable guy.

Like if, you know, let's let's try to give him some grace and benefit him. it out if for possible. Let's assume. And I feel like I've been doing that too much. You know, you definitely have. You definitely have. I don't like I don't, but to be clear, I don't think he deserves it. But let's just for the sake of, you know, a thought exercise, we give him a lot of grace. He's unhappy. He's unhappy in his marriage. I don't know. But like any, like we all as human beings have tough moments and when we have tough moments and when we're not happy, we, we get sloppy or make poor decisions and our conscience is cloudy and yada, yada, yada, right? So up into this point, if we really tried, maybe we,

we could just try to give him some grace. But here you finally did the thing, you did the uncomfortable thing where you tried as politely as possible, but as direct as possible, to set a boundary with him. And any reasonable guy who is married, who has like a lot to lose a reputation,

their job, you know, all these things, that should be the wake up call that he needs. Right. And if he doesn't, and if this is not enough, then that would be really concerning to me. Yeah. You know, because you've giving you this guy a very gentle out to just stop.

And he has, you know, he can just hope that you're not going to say anything or tell anyone. And then he can just, you know, his response of, I'm just confused, but okay. You know, his confusion might just be of his own actions, but he's probably a little, like, feels a little silly, you know. But the hope is that was a wake up call. And then I feel bad that he is uncomfortable and that he feels lost. So I'm like, do I give? At this point, it's been days. It's been days.

So I'm not going to. But of course, in the moment, I was like, do I give further explanation? Like, I don't want him sitting there. No. Being himself up about this, but. He should beat himself up. He made some poor decisions, you know? Again, like, I'm glad he helped you out.

But, like, again, like, he invited you to a baseball. He asked you on a date. Right. And to me, that's how I took it too. But then I also was giving in the benefit of the doubt. Like, because he said this is what coworkers do. And this is what. He's justifying his action.

like he doesn't ask a 24-year-old woman out just because they're a co-worker and he's you know like and again though he i have a plus one i'm like then take your wife why you got to take or a buddy or or a male co-worker or you know again he knows better he knows better he's trying to act dumb you've been more than gracious and that's why i think it's really important for you to understand who who you need to go to if you need to go to someone because i do think now that you've already had that conversation that is the logical next step because if he doesn't use this as a wake up call and go, wait, you know what? Honestly, I was, I was flying too close to the sun there.

She's giving me an out here. I can just, we can just pretend I was never fucking weird to my 24-year-old woman employee while I'm married and thank my lucky stars that like she gave me that grace. And I can, now I'm just going to be a fucking professional and just be fucking normal. And I'm going to try to avoid her and she'll avoid me. And like, we can just forget that ever happened. and maybe I need to figure out my shit at home. Like that's the appropriate response.

If he doesn't do that, then like, I mean, this should be a wake up call. Yeah. I would hope so. And someone brought to my attention to, oh, maybe I should give him more of an explanation. That way, if he does it again, or if he has these feelings towards another coworker, he gets, he understands exactly where he went wrong. I'm like, but that's not my job. It's not your job.

It's not your responsibility. He's an adult man. You know, it's not, no. Okay. He should know better. He probably does know better. It's like just because we do dumb things doesn't mean we don't know better. We just convince ourselves in the moment of why this, why we're different, why this situation's different. I'm not really doing the thing that like everyone would think I would be doing. Oh, it's not a date or whatever. Like he's lying to himself and he's playing games with themselves. And we all do this, right? Like it's a human thing to do. And every once in a while,

people give us grace and give us an out like you gave him grace and he can use again they can use this as a wake up call or not and the people who like and if he can't if he can't connect the dots then it's definitely not your job to explain it and it might require you having to say something because you shouldn't be made to feel this way at work I don't think so either and there is I don't again I don't think anything is going to happen or maybe I'm just telling us all that but I do see him at work our classrooms are pretty close to each other I am there late why he's there late I I don't know, but I want to make sure I'm, you know, safe and like. Yeah, he probably won't do it.

He's probably there late because he doesn't want to go home and hates his wife or something. Exactly. I'm like, there's a reason he's not going home. So something else is going on. That's not my business, but don't get me involved. Like, I don't know. Yeah. I'm sorry you're going through this.

It sucks. It sucks. That's okay. But find out, find out who you need to talk to because I think we're at that point if it continues. Okay. And it's crazy that that never even, you said, who's your HR person? I was like, why did I never even like think to bring this to someone's attention? Well, it's not easy to do. And we want to give people the benefit of the doubt.

And I imagine a lot of women in your situation start, you know, blaming yourself. Oh, was I too flirty? Did I give them the wrong impression? You know, like, which is 100% what I'm sitting here eating myself up about. I'm like, what did I, where did I go wrong? Nowhere. You know, you were, you were a new person at a job looking for a familiar face, having a hard time making friends. and quite frankly he probably took a little bit of advantage of that and you needed help and he was willing to give you help and you didn't do anything wrong and he should know better and he did in fact tell me that I am the one making this weird and uncomfortable so I think that's where I'm also like I did I did I like I did I like he's being a he's being a little gas lady and you didn't respond to that right no that one I did not respond to yeah

because again he should know better I mean he should know better he's a teacher it's not like guy has worked at a coal mine who doesn't know how to act around women. You know what I'm saying? Like he, No, for sure. He of all people should know better. You know, he's an educator. He's, he's around, he works with a lot of women. He teaches young girls. Like, he should have this type of self-awareness. And again, we all make mistakes. And chance that I'm hopeful that chances are, despite what he said to you, because that's what we say when we feel embarrassed and we try to like put

on the other person and yada yada yada but again the big question is is how is he going to move going is he going to respect this is he going to move is he going to is he going to use this as a second because it you truly gave him a second chance i feel like yeah yeah for sure you could have already well define second chance i guess because what i'm saying like you know you could have easily been like you could have go talk to someone maybe it's like a counselor and say hey i'm in a tough spot here obviously I'm new, Mr. Whatever the fuck, you know, and it kind of escalated. And now I'm just getting, you have text messages sent, you have the receipts, you have him inviting you're a game. It's not like you're accusing him of something like super nefarious, but you have enough there

to go to someone and say, it's making me a little uncomfortable. I've asked him to stop. And that like anyone, if you were to report that somehow, it would, it would be the requirement of the person you're reporting to do something. And then, you know, like it's 20, 20, You know, it's just like, I do, unfortunately, I think still things get swept under the rug, but like, I think we're more, you know, it's, it's, we are acknowledging the importance of speaking up and you really gave him some grace. And you didn't have to do that. And I hope that he realizes that. His marriage might already be over, but he's about the, like, you know, there's a lot of people who make some really bad decisions in these moments. And he's, he sounds like he's been on this path.

And thank God, you weren't interested. And thank God you were, you know, but that's, That's his journey. You've done enough and you've given him enough grace, but protect yourself and find out who you need to talk to if it comes down to it. And, you know, keep trying to make friends. And maybe this isn't your forever place. Yeah, which I don't think, I mean, it's my first teaching job. You know, I imagine I will go to another school at some point. But yeah, it does kind of suck that. I'm like, dang, like, I really wanted to make friends. And the first one, I felt like I somewhat made it, even though I didn't, I didn't picture was hanging out. But, you know, the first You seem like a lovely enough person who like who like who you know like I'm really questioning it now.

I'm like, dang, what am I doing? Yeah, I don't know. I'm honestly, I've never, I've never been a teacher, but it would think, yeah, you would think someone would want to like, you know, get to know you. You would think I'm, again, I would think I'm like, I think I'm a fun person. But who knows? Maybe I just need to like flat out ask, hey, what do you guys do anything after school? Honestly, like maybe with a, like to say, you know, I'm new here. Like, I'm a hard time making friends here. Maybe find the, like, is there someone that you could just be vulnerable enough with to just say, you know, like it's, it's tough making friends here. I've really tried. Can you have some advice for me? You know? Yeah. Like another woman your age.

Yeah. I think a lot of the teachers there too have been there for a couple years. So I am new. So I think they've kind of, it's not that it's clicky, but they've already kind of established their groupings and their friends. And then what if you. What if you. figure out all, like, all the women that are relatively your age. Maybe you send like an email about like, like, make it like almost like an, you know, you're, you know, teachers all seem to be good organizers. You created this after school program. But what if it's just like, hey guys, I'm just new here. Maybe this sounds weird. But like, I'd love to like get to know my, my peers and I'm having a hard time making friends and I don't know what's going on all your lives. But if there's anyone out there who like wants to do some like after school stuff on the weekend or if you're also looking for friendships, like this let me know.

And it's real gentle, real vulnerable, but it's just about friendships and see who takes you up on that. Yeah. No, I think they would take me. I think if I put, if I say it like that, I think they would take me up. I don't think it's anyone dislikes me. I just think we just haven't had the time to. You know, unfortunately nowadays in 2026, we're so used to texting our vulnerability or emailing it. It's hard to do it face to face. So maybe put that out there and like a little email to the ladies and like a group chat. Be like, and say like I almost, I'd love to start like some kind of like for anyone who out there who like is single or like has some free time or just looking for to make friends at work. Let me know. And I'd love to maybe we can organize something. Yeah, for sure. And that was a thing he,

the older teacher had said to, um, about, oh, this is what coworkers do. I'm like, really? Where, where, we're the other ones then? Because, uh, I don't see anyone do. Listen, he's partly right, but he's using he's normal, like he's, it's, it's, it's manipulative. He knows what he's doing. Yeah. All right. Well, sorry you're dealing with. this. It sounds like you're handling it the best you can. Find out who your person is. Reach out to the girls at work. You've given him a ton of grace. You're not crazy. You've done nothing wrong. That's more than anything. I've been spiraling. So that's not I'm, I communicate with teenagers all day. So it's nice to hear from an adult. Yeah. You've, you've been more than gracious.

You've given this guy a lifeline. He doesn't deserve. And I wouldn't give him another one. Okay. Noted very much. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Good luck out there. Thank you. Keep us posted. I'd love to know what happens next. Yes. If he reached his out, I'll give you guys an update. Okay. All right, take care. You too. All right, bye-bye.

Bye.