The Viall Files - E1134 - Ask Nick - 30, Unmarried & Stressed Out

Episode Date: June 1, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition! Our first caller is struggling to navigate her divorce. Our second caller texted her ex best friend happy birthday, and is wondering if she should repair the friendship. Meanwhile, our final caller is worried because she's unmarried and also 30.  "We all want to be wanted." Nick is on Substack! Subscribe here: https://nickviall.substack.com/subscribe  ARE YOU A MESS BECAUSE OF YOUR SITUATIONSHIP? OR JUST IN GENERAL? Email [e-mail] with all your relationship questions and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes! Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content featuring updates from your favorite callers? Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + HERE: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter  To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com   THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article: Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. Storyworth: Father's Day is Sunday, June 21st. Order RIGHT NOW and save up to $20 at https://storyworth.com/viall  Mint Mobile: To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to https://mintmobile.com/viall  FIGS: Use code FIGSRX for 15% off your first order at https://wearfigs.com  Olive & June: Visit https://oliveandjune.com/viall for 20% off your first System! Little Spoon: Get 30% off your first online order at https://littlespoon.com/viall with Code VIALL. Whatnot: Download the Whatnot app today and get free shipping on your first order. **To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles    Timestamps: 00:00 - Intro 03:56 - Caller One 53:22 - Caller Two 1:43:51 - Caller Three   Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @the_mare_bare @baybaeee  

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What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of. of Ask Nick. I think we've done one of these intros in a while. Have we just, like, we just go into the calls now? We just play the music and get in the calls. So this is like different, you know, especially if you've just started listening to Us Nick anytime recently.

We've talked more about incorporating some intros. Maybe some people might be grown. Oh, I like just the calls. But there's been some thought about, you know, shorter, keeping it focused. Maybe there's some things we can learn. Maybe there's themes. I don't know. Let us know in the chat.

In the comments? Let us know in the comments. Anyways, but we're here to let you guys know, maybe you've already seen it, but I launched a substack. And I think especially you ask Nick listeners will really enjoy the substack. If you listen to Ask Nick, obviously you are listening to either hearing people's stories, their relationship problems, their challenges. Some of you might listen to hear my thoughts and feelings or advice that I give.

I hope some of you have at least found it somewhat useful and beneficial. But I've spent a lot of time with the podcast, obviously thinking about what we want to talk about, conceptualizing. You know, when I get done with like callers and, you know, sometimes. their stories will remind me of ideas or relationships to the advice I give them. And someone is often just like in my head. Lately, I've been kind of jotting notes and putting, collecting my thoughts. And like, sometimes I'll like come on the show, especially if you listen to Reilly Recap and I'll be thinking about, I'll watch Summer House reunion and I'll be like, oh, what, this, this one

make me think of this. And then we come in and, and then we have a full household and we have a guest and depending on the day or the vibe, you know, like sometimes it's just like, you know, I always, sometimes I'm left with like, you know what? I could have been more nuanced there. Anyways, I have found that with Substack, it's a different medium. It's a different way to communicate to you guys, the audience. And I think it's going to be a space where I'll probably like, you know, probably be a little more vulnerable. I think that's the hope to be a little bit more vulnerable. I think I've been thinking a lot, obviously, as a father who's about to be a father of three girls under three. But I think now, you know, it's interesting. I don't know how long you guys have been listening. I'm sure it varies. Some of you've been listening since I've been starting this podcast when I was a single guy. And I think the themes of like, obviously, the advice I give through ask Nick has been generally consistent. But I am sure if you go back and look back, I think obviously that varies and changes as my life has changed. And obviously now I'm really entering fatherhood. And I think now it's like now when I think about these dating concepts, now when I get callers, you know, it's always like, what if my daughter or when my daughters are in these positions and things like that. And I think I was just playing

around with an essay, you know, obviously listening and watching the summer house reunion, it made me think about like, man, you know, what happens with my daughters? When my daughters find themselves in this situation? And by situation that Sierra finds herself, I mean, just like mostly focused around like being emotionally invested and stuck on someone West who doesn't really like see her worth and doesn't, you know, treat her like, you know, the person that she is. And, and how that, you know, really gets us stuck. I kind of thought about it in those terms and I wrote, I wrote something. And then it made me think maybe I'll start a subject.

So here we are. I really think you guys will enjoy it, especially you guys listen to Ask Nick. I really hope that you do. I hope that you get to know me in a different way, even if you are. critic of mine. I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it. I probably will open up and explain myself more on substack, which I know some of you, especially the haters, would love to see that from me. If you were interested in signing up, just go to the show description. However, you are listening to this episode, the show description has a link to the substack. So just go right there. Check it out.

I think you'll really enjoy it. It's been a lot of fun working on this stuff. And we'll put out some essays every week and maybe do some relationship Q&A, if we can. but I hope you're here for the essays. Anyways, we have some great calls lined up for you. And I hope they're excited to listen to them. Because here they are. Bye-bye. How's it gone?

It's going well. My name is Mary. I am 39 years old. And I am asking for advice on how to navigate my divorce. All right. Tell me about it. We've been married for about four and a half years. We have two young children.

Things were pretty bad in our marriage for a while. we had a really rough first year of marriage due to nobody's fault. But then after having our first child, he just kind of disengaged. During that time, I found cruel text messages about me to his family and friends while I was pregnant with our second child. We were in therapy. We were working through it. What were those cruel messages out of curiosity? Well, essentially, he was upset that I wasn't going to a family friend's wedding. I was very sick as well as our at that time. one-year-old son, and I didn't feel that it was smart for me and him to get on a plane to fly to a wedding that we would just be stuck in a hotel room for. I told my husband, you should go to this wedding, 100%. He went to the wedding. I looked through messages on his Apple Watch that he had happened to leave it home. And I found all sorts of messages between him and his family and friends saying that he felt that I was just trying to make up excuses to not go to the wedding,

sending screenshots of the fact that I had door-dashed medication for me and my son to our house, and that I had also like door-dashed breakfast to myself the morning he left, saying that, you know, my spending's out of control and that he doesn't understand what my issues with him are because he lets me do whatever I want. And then he also is saying to his friends that maybe he'll just hit up a strip club while he's in, while he was in Chicago for this wedding and also saying things like, Wafie's going to hate me even more after baby number two. I was currently pregnant at that time.

Just really horrible, awful things. I'm literally like super sick with our son taking care of him so he can go to this wedding and pregnant. And he is just raking me over the coals when I had felt that a lot of these issues, I wasn't even aware of them. He hadn't even talked to me about any of them. So I obviously felt. really terrible and horrible and realize that I couldn't.

So you knew about the strip clubs before you got divorced? I did not. I just thought this was an offhanded comment that he had made just kind of being angry, like, oh, maybe I'll just hit up a strip club while I'm in Chicago. I just thought he was kind of being. You didn't? Really? You didn't?

No, I didn't. I swear. I had no idea. Did you address these messages? I did. Yes. I decided that I couldn't pretend that I hadn't seen them. So I wrote him a long email and I copied our therapist on it and essentially said, hey, I recognize I broke your trust.

I went through your emails. I saw all of this information. I knew that he would be angry about this and that he would make it about the fact that I looked through his messages and not the actual issue. And I said, please try and keep these things separate, which of course didn't happen. He tried to make it all about the fact that I broke his trust and looked at the messages on his Apple Watch. Why's your therapist? Well, our therapist in our therapy session, she asked him, hey, would you get from this email that she sent? And he said that she wants me to help out more at home.

And my therapist kind of looked at him and said, that's all you got. So he, again, just made it all about the fact that I broke his trust. He said, hey, people say things when they're mad. I was frustrated. I was angry. Okay. So that was his excuse. That was his excuse.

Yeah. Things were really terrible. I had actually said, hey, I'll have the second baby myself. I'll do it myself. I feel like you don't have much of an interest in being a father at this point. I have a great group of people around me. Like, I'll walk away.

I'm not forcing you to do anything. If you don't want to be a family man anymore, that's your prerogative, but I deserve to know. He suddenly changed overnight. We didn't actually, like, talk about things or work on things. He just changed overnight. Changed in a good way or a bad way? In a good way, literally overnight. I tried to basically not look a gift horse in the mouth, be like,

okay, well, he changed, but there wasn't actually any work that happened. He just changed. What do you mean work? Like, we didn't talk. It was one day we had a horrible therapy session. And then the next weekend, he was suddenly just acting. We did stop going to therapy because his behavior changed. And then our daughter was born and things were very crazy and busy. And I, again, just kind of was like, all right, well, things are good. Hopefully maybe he just realized he was wrong and didn't want to admit he was wrong. and so maybe things will be good from here on out. Yeah. And I had even told my therapist, I was like, you know, I'm a little concerned.

If he can change that quickly for the good overnight, he can change back, but hoping that that didn't happen. But unfortunately it did. I went back to work after maternity leave, and my bosses said some pretty, like, discriminatory things to me. And so I suddenly saying things like, you have to decide if you have to decide if you're If you want to be a career woman, we have concerns about your availability. If your kids come into your office while you're working, you should tell the nanny that she's fired, things like that. I was feeling very disillusioned and felt that, you know, leaving the job was probably the best thing.

And I even told my husband, this is our decision. It's not just my decision. The day that I was going to quit my job, he seemed super moody. And I even, like, messaged him that morning, like, hey, is everything okay? is this about me quitting my job? You know, it's my, it's our decision, not just my decision. He was like, everything's fine. I just didn't sleep well. You know, we can talk later. And I said, okay, well, you know, I'm quitting my job today. So if it's about that, could you let me know? And he didn't say anything. So I quit my job. My bosses were blindsided. So they said, hey, why don't you sleep on it?

Let us think about it to don't tell anyone yet, basically just let us digest this. So that worked day ended and literally he sent me an email at the end of the workday telling me that he felt that he was not part of the decision. Why are you guys emailing each other? Because we do not have good, we did not have good communication in person. Okay. And so it was, yeah, it was the best way for us to communicate in a way that we got our thoughts on the page without being interrupted, without being misconstrued, giving time to think about things. That's kind of where you were. You guys actually reading the whole emails? I mean, I was.

I was, to be clear, we didn't typically email each other. This was like the second occasion. There was that huge one where I looked at his messages and I emailed him about that to put our therapist on it. And then there was this instance. So anyway, he emails you and's like, yo, I don't feel like it's a part of this decision. Yeah, I feel like I wasn't part of this decision. I'm not mad.

I'm disappointed. I'm proud of you for standing up to your bosses. but basically, like, you will make sure your credit card is paid off by the time, like, you leave your job. All of your expenses will be run through a debit card hooked up to, like, your account. Just really demeaning. I felt like he was acting like my father about expenses, essentially. So I was kind of blindsided and just like, okay, so here we are again. You know, the carpet ripped out from underneath my feet. I emailed him back and just was like, hey, this is crazy. We literally talked about this. I don't understand how you felt like you weren't part of the decision. He didn't answer

me. And literally the next day, I was just like, okay, I feel like my marriage is probably almost over. I can't not have a job now. Like, I need a job. I need to make sure I have an income for me, for the kids. So the next day, I basically told my bosses, never mind. That was last April. And then I told him. So are you still, you're still at the same place? I am. Yes. How did things work out with your employer. They weren't expecting me to have quit. And so the fact that I did, and then I kind of opened up to them about what was going on, why I had to take my job back. And suddenly they were, they changed their tune and were super supportive and wonderful and great. And for me, going through a potential divorce, I was like, I don't, if they'll just like leave me alone for a while while I deal

with like the transition and everything going on in my emotional life, I would like to stay somewhere that I've been for many years, that I know I'm good at this job. that I'm stable in this job. So I kind of just let it go for as long as they would leave me alone. When my husband and I finally talked, you know, I said, why would I have quit my job if I felt you weren't supportive of me? I gained nothing in the situation. I quit my job.

I look like a flake. You know, I took my job back. Our marriage is now like in the dumpster. Again, I lost credibility at work. I embarrassed myself. like why would I have done this? Why would I have, if I just wanted to quit my job and not care what you thought, I wouldn't have taken it back. What do you say? Essentially, it was like he looked up therapy speak and everything was like, I'm sorry, you feel that way. I just don't feel like

I was part of the decision. I felt like I was talking to a robot. So we get a new therapist. And even she essentially said the same thing to him, hey, don't you think that if you were feeling iffy about her quitting her job, that you could have just communicated that to her, even that morning when she asked you. And he was essentially acting as judge, jury, and executioner by saying, well, I knew if I told her I didn't want her to quit that she was going to say this or she was going to say that. And I didn't want to deal with it. And her emotions would be this. And I said, well, you never gave me the opportunity to react. How do you know what I was going to do? I mean, you got your job. I mean, you didn't even end up quitting.

Exactly. Exactly. And so my whole time. thing was I can't trust you because you're not supportive. I was also going through a super tough time with quitting my job with what they said to me. And now you made it worse. I'm kind of out here by myself on this island trying to navigate all of this while you're still telling me that I'm in the wrong. And I'm just saying, could you have communicated with me if you had told me that you were feeling iffy about me quitting my job, I would have been happy to put it on nice for a little bit. You know, nobody is excited to just have that conversation with people they've worked with for 12 years. But I said, there's no way for me to prove that because you didn't give me that

opportunity. But again, just look at the evidence. Why would I go to myself do this? I mean, at any point, was he, okay. No, he wasn't acknowledging at all. He was essentially just saying, basically, did you not think about how this would impact our future and the money are putting into a 401k? And he acted like, if I quit my job, that it would be this huge financial blow to our family. But I tried to be respectful of that. And I said, that's why I try to have a conversation with you. That for your opportunity to, I can't read your mind, this is your opportunity to talk to me about that. So we could talk it through and you didn't do that. So he essentially had just like this one-sided conversation in his head. So that's, I mean, is that ultimately

what started the divorce? So that was in the summer. And then our therapist basically told us that we were too much for her and kind of dropped us, recommended a couple other therapists. You both got fired by your therapist? We got fired by our therapist. And the nicest way possible. She was just like, I just, you know, I think that you need somebody with more specialization, essentially. Before we started recording, you told me you thought your ex-husband's a narcissist. I do. What do you feel like you could have done any different? Like, where did you? go wrong. I'm curious. Honestly, I felt that I was very communicative with him. I'm just like getting fired by a therapist. Oh, it was because, well, he told our therapist that he thought she was siding with me

because she had told him like, hey, don't you think you could have just had a conversation with your wife about this? And maybe things could have gone differently. And he finally was like, yeah, yeah, I guess I could have. We just weren't going anywhere. It was, we were spinning. She seemed kind of green as well. Okay. So let's fast forward to the divorce. Yes. How, and how can I can to your original question? What do you need help navigating is it regards to? So, so yeah, obviously therapy intensive didn't work either. All of a sudden one day he said, this isn't going to work out. I just don't think we're going to work. So it was just again, kind of pulling the carpet out from underneath my feet. I was just like, okay. And so we had the session with our therapist who was like,

hey, maybe you guys just started this work with me. Like maybe you should give it a little bit more time. At one point, he closed his eyes to the point that the therapist was like, hey, it seems like you're kind of checking out. He was just shut down, totally shut down. Okay. And I told him, hey, I'm willing to keep working on this. But if this is what you want, like you can't unring the spell.

And why were you willing to keep working on it? For the kids, I just couldn't even really, I didn't want to think about a life where I had, had to go even one day without seeing my kids. If we could work it out, I wanted to when I was hoping to re-meet the man that I initially married. I thought that maybe he was in there somewhere. That makes sense.

All right. So like, what about the divorce has been difficult for you to process? I mean, obviously divorce is difficult. But what are you having a hard time navigating? Once I knew for sure, this is where we were going. I actually felt a huge sense of relief. But then through the divorce proceedings, we, obtained his financial statements and found that since last March, even prior to me quitting my

job before things had really gotten bad, he had been visiting a strip club, sometimes dropping as much as $30,000 in a 24-hour period. Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah, which I actually, I was in denial about it. I didn't think that this could possibly be true because of everything I felt in our marriage that he could potentially do. I said, cheating on me in any way is something he would never do. He would never do that. He would never, ever do that.

I just didn't even think that that was a possibility. And then I went through all the charges, and I also found charges for lingerie, which was returned two days later, but still, it was there. And also a couple of flour purchases. He bought and returned lingerie? Yes. Yep. Yeah.

So. It's weird. It was like an awesome. Yeah, it was an online thing because once I saw the strip club charges, I went through the statements myself. And if I saw a charge, I didn't recognize. I Googled what it was for. And that's how I found it. And then there were also some flower purchases that didn't line up with like birthdays, anniversaries, death in the family. And they all came after like a couple days after a strip club visit. So I don't know if he was. Sending flowers to a stripper? That's all I can assume. I don't know. But it was weird. And so realizing that he was on my case acting like,

like he spent basically more than I make in a year on strippers in a year. And he shamed me for quitting my job, acting like that that would put us in this like financial hole. So I found out more about his character after we were already going through the divorce. So it's like, okay, not that I needed more confirmation that this is the right thing, but wow, I had no idea this was going on. looked at all the dates of the strip club visits and I was able to confirm that they were all during times. He said he was golfing or he was staying at the airport hotel the night before work trip because he had an early flight the next morning. Turns out he was at the strip club. So he had just been lying to me about this for at least the past year, probably before. So I'm

struggling with the fact that I didn't even clock it, that I truly, truly thought that he would never do this to me. And I always have prided myself on having a very good read on people and even him. Like I could- Psychic. I'm not a psychic, but I feel like there are many instances where I could almost predict how he would react to something, what he would say, what he would do. And I was always right. And I always just had a really good radar for people. It just makes me so nervous now for the future when I try to date to not be jaded. Now that I see what can happen to let somebody in your life and they can just wreak havoc like that. It makes me want to be alone forever, but I also don't want to be alone forever. So I'm really nervous about how can I just trust my instincts again? And then, like I said,

the second part was telling his family. Why do you think you should tell this family? Because I have to still interact with them because of our kids. And I'm pretty sure he probably told them a bunch of lies about me, which are untrue. And so I know that's my ego talking, but... Is this... Are you still interact with this family? Yeah. I have to. How do they treat you? Pretty neutrally at this point. Okay. Are you comfortable with how they treat you? At this point, but I feel like there are other people, I guess, family and friends, because there are other people that used to be in my life because they were part of that, I guess, social circle that don't really, like, reach out to me anymore. And I know that...

that's going to happen in a divorce. Yeah. Do you care? Do you, are these people you? I do. Because you want to be want? Some of them were friends. Some of them were friends I made because they had kids.

So they were kind of mom friends. And I'm just worried. And why can you reach out to them and be friends of them? Well, so I got a new phone number, for example. And I reached out to some of them to say, this is my new phone number. And like, they didn't even reply to me. Okay. So I'm worried.

that he told them false things about me to smear my character essentially. And that's, that doesn't sit well with me, especially when he's the one who was out there essentially at the bare minimum, emotionally cheating on me with the strip club, but also probably physically cheating on me as all the while berating me about money. So what do you, what, what, what are your, what's your goal moving forward? My goal is to ideally try to preserve some of these friendships that I once had and also wanting to feel like I have respect from his family just because I have, I think he probably told them that I'm bad with money or something like that.

And that's why we're getting divorced. Those are only two goals? Well, I'm also trying to figure out then in the future with dating. Okay. You know, how can I? What about just like generally being happy? Is that a goal? Well, I feel I am happy.

That's part of it. I'm happy now that I'm not with him anymore. But I don't want to isolate myself for the future and just not put myself out there again at the risk of somebody coming in and ruining that. Certainly, no one wants false rumors being spread around about them. But one, you don't even know what if any actual false rumors are being spread about you. There is that. you may not be wrong that he is lying, but if he's a liar and if he's already spreading false rumors about you now, what do you think he's going to do when you retaliate? Do you want to be right or do you

want to be happy? You know, I would ask yourself that question. And I would ask yourself, how is this going to make me happier? I don't know. Being right often doesn't make us happier. Understand you want to be civil with your in-laws and things like that. But you're never going to get them to take your side and you're never going to get them to like have them like you more than him and you're never going to get them to you know tell you things like oh he made such a mistake it's most likely not going to happen um so what are you going to get out of telling them this stuff about him you know is kind of the how are you helping yourself how are you protecting your peace i would slow down and answer those questions and make sure you have a clear answer before you do that. Otherwise,

it's just going to be more drama and drama is entertaining and it's going to keep you invested, but I don't know where you get out of that. You do have two kids together more than anything. I imagine you want to preserve the relationship your kids have with both of you. Yes. I think that's part of it, I guess, is because things are just so, formal with his family and knowing that I'm going to be interacting with them on a daily basis. I was hoping to be able to have more of a real relationship rather than a... Your relationship's starting over with these people. And I feel like you're going to have a best chance of having the relationship you want by just

being easy to be around, being kind, not being messy. It's going to be difficult for them to be around you if you are constantly trying to get them to take your side. I understand. That makes sense. What about the friendships that I feel are kind of falling through the cracks now? Remains to be seen. Same advice.

Like, certainly you're probably going to lose some friends. I don't know. You know what I'm saying? And I guess at the end of the day, you don't want to be friends with people who don't want to be friends with you. You might have to be comfortable with the unknown for a period of time. But for the people you want to maintain friendships with, maybe you have to keep making an effort and see what happens.

If one of them does happen to reach out and they end up asking, like, hey, what happened? with you guys. Should I even tell them what I found out? No. No. No. Why? What's what's going to happen, do you think? I think maybe partially I feel like it's it's hard to have a conversation where I feel like I'm being authentic when somebody is saying what went wrong in your marriage. Why are you guys essentially having to communicate through a parenting app instead of be a text message? Why? That's just those parenting apps exist for the same reason that, you know, because divorce is messy and hard and people take sides. Again, listen, I guess my point is it sounds like the real friends that you have, the people who are your friends and they were your friends already and they're still your friends,

you have confided in them, you have told them, you've opened up to them, you've been heard. the people who you're debating whether you should tell what I'm hearing is like it's kind of like that you know they're like they're kind of his friends and you've been friends with them and what for every reason

you haven't told them yet I would listen to that voice inside because again like I don't think these are people who are these types of friends and I think you're just to find you know like authenticity is the excuse what you really want is his friends to realize

how much of a piece of shit you think he is. That's it. You want them to take your side. You want to be right. You want to be righteous and you don't want to be thought of as bad or worse or whatever. And you understand that your ex-husband's probably a bit of a liar and you're assuming he's telling his side of the story. And you don't like the idea that people who you were friendly with and friends with might have a different opinion of you. That's true. But I feel like he's also been implying certain things. Like our neighborhood that I have since moved out of, there was a group chat that he has with all the guys. And one of my good friends, her husband is on the group chat.

And he sent out a message basically saying to pray for our children, which makes it seem like we're getting a divorce. We've been growing apart. Pretty sure she's out there smearing my name to everybody. Don't believe everything that you hear. Pray for our children. making it seem like I'm being really shitty to our kids are creating. Well, no, I mean, like, I think just from the story you told me, that tax makes sense. Really?

I don't agree with him. I'm just saying from his perspective, I'm not thinking I can't, how, you know, like when you're, when you told me the story about the email, I'm having a hard time understanding, you know, believing your version of the story that like, why didn't he just tell you not to quit the job type of thing, right? It doesn't make sense. I can't wrap my brain around like his reason. I don't know. But I can wrap my brain around him sending a group text to his buddies trying to get ahead of the fact that like, I mean, by the way, you want to talk shit about them.

I want to tell the truth. Whatever. It's still talking shit. Okay. So you think I just need to take the high road, say we grew apart. things didn't work out. Why does everyone need to know? Not everybody needs to know,

but people that I interact with on a regular basis, I guess. It's hard for me to like keep this huge thing that... I just think you're going to get further. Being the person you want people to think you are. I don't think you're going to win in a game of both of you throwing fucking missile at each other and assassinating each other's character,

I don't think you're going to win. Neither of you might win. But I don't, like, I just don't think you're going to win. People are just going to take sides. Through our marriage, I just kept my mouth shut about so much for so long. And now that, like, he's out there and I know he has to be saying stuff, it's just so hard to continue to just take it. At what point do I stand up for myself?

If someone comes to you and says, I heard this about you. And you're like, what did you hear? And then they say, a lie, stand up for yourself. This isn't standing up for yourself. This is you making a bunch of assumptions and trying to get ahead of it. What I'm hearing from you is you want people to hear the truth about who your husband really is. I do, yes. That's not standing up for yourself.

Standing up for yourself is like leaving a toxic relationship that you know isn't serving you. standing up for yourself is just getting back on your, you know, yeah, like defending your character when your character is being attacked, but it's not assuming your character's being attacked and getting ahead of it and assassinating your husband's character in case he assassinations yours. That's not standing up for yourself, I don't think. I guess given the stuff that he said about me in the past that... What stuff? Like, and those messages to his family and friends about...

He thinks you're pain in the ass. I don't know. You know what I'm saying? That's what people think about their exes. Yeah, but he wasn't my ex then. I get it. Yeah, but you got divorced. Yeah, so now I feel like it's not a hard line to draw that he's probably saying even

more stuff about me now. Maybe, but like do you want to spend all your energy hunting down the people he might be talking shit to and trying to change their minds not only about you but about him? How is that going to make you happier and how is that going to help you move on? And how is that going to help you find what you're looking for in relationships? I don't know how is that going to, you know. It's not. You're right.

And the people you want to be friends with, like, do you want to convince people to be friends with you? Like, are people going to be friends with you because they believe your story over his? Most likely they're just going to think you're both kind of messy and crazy. That's true. I guess I was afraid that he was telling that he would be. telling stories about me that make people question my character and then just decide to disengage and that didn't sit right with me. I don't know what he could be telling you, but like...

I think he's telling everybody that I went and spent all of his money and was irresponsible and lied to him about it because that's the story he kept telling me, which was totally untrue. When in return, he's actually spending more money in a night and in a year. then I make any year. Well, listen, if someone comes to you with that accusation, tell them the truth. Okay. But until that happens, I wouldn't.

And I think the thing that's going to get your husband to talk shit about you is to him find out that you are telling your truth. I have been taking the high road this entire time. And I guess I'm just getting really, really tired of having to take the high road. Why do you need to keep taking the hide row with him? Can't you just move on? Well, I think there's a frustration that I feel like he just kind of got off Scott free. But that's, again, that's the part you need to reconcile. Like, I didn't even get to have a direct conversation with him about the fact that he essentially

was cheating on me for a year, at least emotionally. Like, when we talked about it in our divorce, like, sitting with our attorneys, like they totally just brushed it aside, like it didn't matter, which I expected. But it's just really hard seeing that he did this and not even getting to kind of have my say with him about it. What do you want to say to him? Just how betrayed and how deceived I feel. And that our entire marriage crumbled because he based all of his problems with me on money. Because that's all he had.

He wanted to keep me as low as I could about money so that I didn't look too hard at him, only to find out that he was actually spending way more than that. on strippers. Okay, let's say he called in or something. Or like, you have a chance to say this to him. What are you going to, how do you expecting him to respond? I guess it's not even about an expectation of how he would respond. It's more about me knowing that I got to have like my words hit the air with him, that he

knows. And why will that make you feel different? Because I think it lets me get on the record stating. Like, I'm not the one who wrecked this marriage. Like, I didn't ruin this marriage. You ruined this marriage. And what will that do for you? I think it would just make me feel like I stood up for myself.

Like, I got the opportunity to say, hey, I know everything that you were doing. You don't think you've stood up for yourself with him. I guess I have in the sense. I get the impression you're pretty good at standing up for yourself. I think I feel that because every time I would stand up for myself to him, whether it be in therapy or in a conversation with him, everything was always turned around on me. That's not the same as standing up for yourself. I guess it makes sense that he didn't listen to me then. He wouldn't listen to me now. It's just, I guess, me knowing I get it out. I get a sense, and I say this with love, that you like to be right and need to be right.

That's true. And you confuse standing up for yourself with people agreeing with you. Yeah. I think that's an accurate inference to make. And while your ex-husband might be a piece of shit and a liar, maybe even a narcissist, I don't think you're doing yourself any good by calling him a narcissist. He's probably just more accurately, someone with lower character than you realized. Yeah. Not everyone with low character as a narcissist.

I understand that. And it really makes no difference whether he is or is. No, it doesn't. Your reasons that you're giving me to try to get me to almost agree to do the thing that you want to do, and like by all means do what you want to do. You're not being honest with yourself about your intentions and your motives. You know. Okay.

And if you want to be right, I mean, like, you know, if you listen to the show, you've heard me say, do you want to be right or you want to be happy? Yeah. Like this is the definition of, I think this is the saying you should probably, you should buy the merch. And I am someone who likes to be right, you know. So it takes one to no one. But like, I think you will, you know, right now you're going through a difficult time and it's probably feeling chaotic and you're, you know, I'm glad you're, I'm sure

you're happy being out of this relationship. I don't think you're as happy as you let on. I think you're happy you're not with him. But I think you are, and rightfully, I mean, you know, you're going through a lot right now. It's a very dramatic and you're in this transitional period. And it's, I'm sure scary and you know you have your friends but you are you know you're not sure how what people think and feel about you and that bothers you you know because for someone who really likes to be right the idea of people having the wrong impression of you is like God has got to be the worst you know being right right now I don't see a lot of scenarios when it brings you a lot of happiness I understand that I think I just feel kind of resentful because I feel like I'm the one who has had

that has sacrificed everything. You know, I moved out of our house while he's staying there. You know, I'm living with the best friend. Why? He didn't, because I wouldn't be able to afford that house even afterwards of war. So, and he can. So that's why I moved out. So I'm living at my best friend's house while he gets to live in our house.

And then. That sucks. That, but then also the fact that. when we were married, I felt like I was single parenting the entire time. And now he has 50-50 custody. It just sucks that I feel heartbroken not being around my kids half the time. While he gets to go and have his parents and whoever, God knows who else, help take care of the kids, while I'm over here by myself.

Like, I just feel like he just is getting everything that he wants while I'm just, like, giving up everything that I had, even though I'm not the one who tanked everything. It's just, it's frustrating. And I guess in some way, I want him to get his. Yeah, listen, and all valid. It sucks. It does suck. It sucks. You have a right to be angry. You have a right to be hurt. You have a right to be sad. I don't think you're going to do yourself any favors by using that anger and resentment as the driving force for the decisions you make. How do I get over that resentment then like how do I just you know I got to heal time therapy I mean I would you know definitely therapy I would make sure you have a good therapist I do I can talk through

about this stuff have friends that can hold you accountable and give yourself grace but at you know time honestly time it's like this is raw you know and it's going to take some time but you have to you have to let go of the anger at some point I'm trying but I feel like he can like everything I do you know even me moving in with my friend, he told me that I was taking the kids to an unstable environment. When he's the one who fired the nanny to bring someone new in. Why is it unstable? It's not. He just didn't, he essentially was angry because he thought that he was going to lock me into having to get stuck into a lease for an apartment for a year

and spend a bunch of money on that during these proceedings because that's what he wanted me to do. Why did he want you to do that? Because he doesn't want me to have anything. that he doesn't want me to come out on top at all in this. The whole, he is so angry that I get any, he didn't say it to me, but he doesn't want me to have any of his money. He's mad he has to give me anything at all. So he wants me to have to spend it on something I don't want to spend it on so that I

can't put it towards a down payment for a house that I actually do want. I would just be careful, like, unless he said this to you. I saw some notes that he had written down on our initial custody agreement. And he had a lot of stuff on there about how do I keep her from coming back to me for more money, which I would never do. Actually, the whole thing was I was spending my own money for things for the kids and for myself while we were married. That makes sense. But what does it have to do with this whole narrative about you being certain about what he does and doesn't want you to have?

Well, just from our entire marriage, the fact that he didn't. didn't want me like literally. I get it. Listen, you have every right to be super angry and hurt. I'm just like, and what you're going through makes a lot of sense. I'm just trying, I'm trying to advise you if, you know, you called. If you're interested, and you do not have to take my advice by all means. I am not, I haven't gone through divorce.

I'm not a divorce lawyer. I'm not an expert, you know, but I do think I have a pretty good beat on these types of stuff. And what I am good at is helping people get unstuck when they're convinced they're right about certain things. And again, I just want you to find peace and happiness going forward. And I would just be careful about like these narratives you're coming up within your head to keep you stuck. And it doesn't matter if he wins. I don't know, what is winning?

Like, you know, what's the cliche, you know, living your best life and being happy is you winning? Yeah. And whatever he thinks of you. is really none of your business outside of sharing kids together. And of course he doesn't want you to have his money. And of course he doesn't want you to get, you know, like, no one, you know, of course. Like, of course. And you have every right to be mad about how he was as a husband and resentful about it.

But you are divorced. Almost trying to get there. You know what I'm saying though? But like he's no longer, you're not in a relationship with him that you're trying to fix. You don't need to be right. And I think just accepting that he is not the man you married and that you don't want to be with him. And being content with that is kind of the best you're going to get. You could still very much be emotionally invested in this relationship with your ex-husband if you choose to be.

And a lot of people choose to be. I don't want to be. You got to let the shit go. You've got to stop convincing yourself that you're justified to disparage his name because he might be disparaging yours. if you want the people to take your side, just again, be the person you want them to think you are. Be easy to be around, be kind, you know, you're working your job. If he's out there saying, oh, you spend all this crazy money, don't spend crazy money, you know, be practical. And, you know, again, like also, I don't think you should care about what people spend your money on.

but like people will see that, you know, like you will, his in-laws will be a part of your life to some degree, you know, people will see, you know, and he could talk his shit or whatever. But I think, you know, again, you also have to assume that his mom's going to take his side and that his family is going to take his side. I think everybody always thought very well of me. Let them continue. Sure. But I think that he's no telling them things that people are like, oh my God, I never thought that about

her. You can't control that. I can't control that, but I felt that I could control that they know it's not true. You can't, though. You can't. As a public figure and who has a show and things like that, I can't control what people say about me and they say a lot. You know, and is it frustrating? Sure. You know, does it get to me from time to time? Of course. Do I have conversations with myself, my head, like, you know, debating strangers about the merits of why I'm right and they're wrong. Yeah, I'm human. But I have to like check myself and I have to recognize that it's not my problem. It's none of my business and there's nothing I can do about it. And I can either just like prioritize what's important to me, my wife, my family, you know, like the people who do know me.

You know, and I could show up just being the person. I want people to think I am and just let the chips fall where they may, you know, but you're spending an awful lot of energy. First of all, coming up with narratives you don't know are true. Second of all, like, you know, making sure people know you're right. And it just, that doesn't lead to a lot of happiness. A lot of it does just come from feeling like I was the one parenting our kids and actually wanting to be with the kids all the time. And now, again, like, so as far as your kids go, kids, kids are smart. And at the end of the you're not going to convince your kids of anything by telling them. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, you're not by telling them, but I'm using a kid as an example for the other people in your life.

Your kids will gravitate to the parent who shows up for them and that they can rely on and they can trust and they feel safe around and hopefully it's the both of you. But if it's not, it won't be because one person convinces the other. There might be some people that your ex-husband successfully convinces them your piece of shit. But most people will. will be like, I don't know, she seems fine. I just, also people know you got divorced. People know divorce is messy. People know that people talk shit.

You're not giving the people in your community the benefit of the doubt that they just know that they probably should take both of you with a grain of salt. I don't even know if some people know. Like he was still posting pictures, like family pictures at Christmas, like people not knowing, like people coming to me and being like, oh, I thought you reconciled. And I was like, no. That's what I'm saying. Your narratives aren't even ending up.

We spent most of this conversation you being convinced that he's talking shit about you. And now you're telling me that a lot of people don't even know you're getting divorced. So like how could he, he's definitely not talking shit, you know. Well, that was a month after. Now at this point, more people do know. You get one. You get what I know. I know.

I understand that. No, you're right. I need to just let it go. And I just have to figure out. I would also, just as a thought exercise, I would be open the possibility of, of identifying places where maybe you were wrong in life. I don't think you acknowledge it as much as you. I think it's a bad habit. I'd be willing to bet that your husband has some criticisms of you that are fair. I'm sure. And I never claim to be a perfect person. I know. But like actually

acknowledging what those things are is something I bet you haven't done. It's easy to say I'm not a perfect person because no one is. But to actually identify and own the things that you need to work on is a whole different exercise. And I don't think you are very good at that. I think you're probably right about that. I guess I just didn't feel like those things were marriage ending things. I'm not saying they are. This has nothing to do with your marriage. Yeah. But this is as to do with the fact that like it just it gets exhausting needing to be right constantly. and for the amount of that you need to be right, people need to feel balance with people, especially if you're often right.

I mean, I'm often right, you know? That's how I feel, you know? But it gets exhausting with people just like, because again, to your point, everyone's human. And it's just like, okay, great. Well, you're not always right. I guess that pretty much leads to why I'm concerned about dating in the future because I felt like I was right about him the entire time. when I turned out to not be right about him because I didn't think he'd ever cheat on me, but he did.

Yeah, listen, the short answer is relationships are scary and hard and complicated and often disappointing. No one's as good reading people as they feel like they are, you know, but because you're, you know, people can lie and sometimes people are good liars. And part of being in a relationship is trusting someone and you choose to trust. And when you give someone your trust, it makes it easier for them to betray your trust because you're not like questioning everything that's the risk of love but yeah i do think as far as you dating you being open the possibility that like you're not as right as you think you are and and yeah might help your dating life a little bit better i definitely wouldn't be talking shit about your ex-husband i would get through this divorce yeah first before you even worry

about dating and I would focus on being a great mom and a great employee and and and and show up and be the person you want people to think you are and that doesn't guarantee that they will but that gives you the best chance because like what you want is if you husband is talking shit for how you show up in these people's lives I want it to his story to not add up yeah and that's the best chance you got for people believing you over him if you are just as messy as him and are talking shit they're going to be like at best you're both crazy i guess that's what i've been banking on up to this point is just that i haven't been saying anything except to my very close friends family i guess the results will come far in the future and my relationships with people but i guess right now it's like

i want a reward for taking the high road and i want instant gratification yeah your reward will be your happiness no it's hard you know i'm in it in it um right now and so that's why i really wanted a total outside perspective. What you're going through is very difficult. So give yourself grace and, you know, but I focus on being happy and not right because there are no medals for being right in an adult life. No, you've given me something very valuable to think about. I think that I have heard over the years that I do like to be right.

and this is the most direct way. Somebody has put that to me. And to have somebody who doesn't know me at all be able to pick up on that kind of is an eye-opener for me. I have more fodder for my therapist. Now I know really what I need to work on. Try not calling your husband a therapist,

a narcissist to people. And it has nothing to do with him, but it is a catch-off for you guaranteeing people's side with you. It's a buzzword. And that desire to be right, that's like you making sure, in case this person doesn't believe me, I'm just going to throw out there that he's a narcissist because then people will, I'll be right.

That's not why I would say it, but I understand it doesn't help anything. So I just need to essentially tell people it just didn't work out. It may not be why you believe he's a narcissist, but I do think it's why you tell people he's a narcissist. Because why did you need to tell me before you even, you know, it's like I didn't, like you led with that. Yeah. Like before you got into the details, you're like, just so you know. I guess I felt that it just tells a lot of the story without telling the story. Yeah, but you want me to see yourself.

I'm just just. I do. I do. You're right. I do want you to see my side. That's correct. That's a good exercise on being okay, which is not being right and being open to hearing a different point of view.

Or even being right, but being okay with other people not knowing. It's hard for us to see the forest of the trees with our own bullshit. Nowadays, I've always been good at giving other people advice. not so much myself. So welcome to the club. Well, thank you. I really appreciate that. I look forward to seeing more sidewalk chalk art by you.

I enjoy seeing that. I appreciate it. I hope to do more. All right. Thank you so much. Take care. All right. Bye.

Bye. What's up, everybody? Don't forget that all Vile Files Plus content is ad free. Plus, for all you ask, Nick listeners out there, your update specials are ready and waiting for you. I know you are very interested on the follow-up calls.

what has happened to these people after they heard my advice that it helped them, did it hurt them? Has their life changed? Well, you can find out on Update Plus and you can get Update Plus behind Vialfiles Plus. So go to VialFiles.com to sign up.

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Do I try to repair the friendship or move on? Tell me about the friendship. So we met about two years ago. And it was kind of a, it was a quicker friendship than I had, like, made in the past. I'm assuming it is a woman? Yes. Yeah. We can call her Emily.

Okay. I started dating my boyfriend about six months into our friendship. And I introduced her to my boyfriend's friends. And she kind of dropped me for them. And I kind of don't know what to do now. What do you mean she dropped you for them? After we introduced her to them, she just established really quick and really strong friendships with them. And I started hearing from her less and less.

and now I haven't heard from her since October. Do you still have the same boyfriend? Yeah, we're still together. And he's still getting invited to things and I'm not. Explain that to me. So these are his friends from Chicago, and they all moved down to a new city that we're in now. And they're more like party friends, going out friends.

But they're all in this like big group chat. It all just feels very high school to me. But she is like now part of this group chat. They're all. So she's in a group chat with your boyfriend? And not me. Yeah. And it's like a big group of people.

Why aren't you in it? I was never included. Why doesn't your boyfriend include you? That's a good question. I mean, I, it's hard because like he is very blazze about these people. And like when I, they're not like his closest friends. And so he's like, oh, like they're bad people. He says they're bad people?

Yeah. I don't get. I'm confused. I am too. I mean, listen, regardless of who these people are, bad people, good people, your boyfriend interacts with these people. So whoever they are or whatever they're about, he fucks with them, right? Yeah.

And if I'm hearing this correctly, you made a friend. This friendship was about six months old, which is still very new. Yes. And then you met your boyfriend, hit it off, whatever, started dating. She met his friends through you. And yeah, like she hangs out with them. But I guess to me, this is more about whatever issue you have. It seems like more to do with your boyfriend than her, possibly.

Yeah. Yeah. Because it's just more like, it's weird. What I'm hearing from you is, okay. So we certainly want to hear more details, but yeah. You met a girl, you became friends, whatever. Hang out, you guys were seemingly close. Like, what was your friendship based on?

As two, like, mid-20-some-year-old women, what was, what would drew you together that caused you in this short period time to refer to her as your best friend? I think at the time I was, like, really searching for a strong friendship, which I acknowledged, because, like, I had some friends that I didn't feel like, I, like, really, aligned with them a lot and I felt like me and this girl clicked on so many levels. I felt really safe and comfortable with her. We had similar types of humor, like to do similar things. We both opened up to each other about a lot of stuff and like I know this doesn't mean a ton of thing for some people, but like she came to like my family Thanksgiving and Christmas and she was around

my parents a lot and like our moms went to like dinner together and, we like did those like kind of like deep bonding stuff pretty quickly. Okay. Yeah. And it just felt like really natural with her. And what would you two do for fun? All kinds of things. We would go on walks.

We would go get drinks. We would just hang out and get food. I would spend the night at her place. It was like, I mean, sometimes drinking was involved, but not all the time. Okay. When did things change? It started to change after I went back to school. to get a second degree and like really get started on my career.

And it always became, oh, you're so busy. Just let me know when you're free. And I felt like I would continue to reach out and continue to make time for her. And I like wasn't getting that reciprocated. And I tried for a really long time. And I would see her like on social media and stuff like hanging out with my boyfriend's friends, just like them without him in a smaller group. And ultimately, I told her, I was like, hey, like, I love you. I miss you. I hate that we're

not hang out as much. Like, did I do anything? Because I wasn't sure, you know, and she told me that I didn't do anything that she loved me and she missed me too and, like, just wanted to work on things. But then nothing changed. She wanted to work on things with you. Yeah, like wanted to, like, put more effort into our friendship and spend time together. Did she text you back? When I said, happy birthday. Yeah. Yeah. She did. Okay. So she said, thanks.

Okay. That's it? Yeah. Okay. So it's not like she's, she's not ignoring you. No. Okay. But, I mean, I haven't, like, she sent out invites to, like, a big event and did not include me, but included my boyfriend.

It was her event? She was, like, organizing an event to, like, a show. For what? What was a show for? Well, it was the rodeo. Okay. But like, was she, did she get hired by someone to do? Like, I mean, this was her event.

Like, yeah, why is she not? Well, she was just, like, coordinating a night to go to the rodeo. And is there a world where she could have been like, if you said something to her? She's like, well, I invited you guys. But they send out, like, part of whole invites. What does that mean? It's like a web service where you can, like, send out, like, invites and people like RSP. So it's like two individual numbers. And I used to get these. Oh, you used to get them? And now you're not going. Yeah. And I don't get them anymore. Did you ask? No. Okay. What is your boyfriend said? He says, fuck them. I don't care. And like he doesn't go to things if I'm not invited to. So he hasn't seen them. And now I feel like I'm, it feels like I'm like taking him away from his friends. But he says they're bad people. Yeah. Why does he think they're bad people? I think because like he, he,

recognizes like their behavior and they can just be kind of self-centered and like catty, I guess the word. Is male friends? Well, no, they're girls. Oh, these are all girls. Well, girls and like gay guys. Oh, so you're, okay, so it's not a group of bros. No, it's no, no.

Sorry, that was probably important context. Okay. So this group of friends that your boy, that you introduced your, to your ex-best friend to is a group of girls and gay men. Yes. Gotcha. Gotcha. So where are you in your boyfriend stand, I guess, on this?

He thinks that, like, he always sympathizes with me. And I told him, I was like, hey, I wish you would, like, back me up a little bit more when it comes to them. And how would you like him to back you up? Like, kind of, I guess, say some of the things that you said, like. But your boyfriend's not going without you? No. And do you feel like he's sad about that? Usually no, but he did kind of make a comment recently of like wanting to hang out with him.

Oh, so? Because he has other friends that are like more like his close friends. But sometimes it's like nice to have like a big group to like go on and do things with. But this big group is women and gay men. Yeah. And then sometimes like his other straight male friends will be included. But they're not like a core part of this other group. Okay.

If that makes sense. Kind of. It's just more like, listen, I don't, for whatever reason, your ex best friend, I mean, maybe it's just a product of she thinks they're more fun. I don't know, you know, and available. And, you know, I don't know, maybe you're not as available as you want to believe you are. That's probably true. And it's, you know, maybe it's just one of those, yeah, it's just like, you know, the shitty part for you,

it sounds like is that like when you met this girl. I'm guessing she didn't know a ton of people. I don't know or she was like. Yeah, she was new to my city. Okay, so she's new. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. She's new to your city. She meets you.

Here's this lovely friend. You were more available. You were single. You didn't have a boyfriend. You weren't going back to school. Very different. Your life was very different when you met this friend than it is now. And then six months into this friendship,

she meets a group of people. And then subsequently, you have a boyfriend now. So I'm guessing, and I hope that you were investing more time with your boyfriend than you were with her, which, you know, it's if that, if the amount of time that, you know, you were dating your friend for a moment in a way. Yeah. You know, like when you meet, when a friendship starts that fast, especially in adult life when you're single and it's that intense, there's, you know, like I, you know, I've said this

a lot of times, you know, in friendships where it's like a straight man and a straight woman, you can be, you can be total friends. It can be platonic. But there are elements of that where you are replaced, you know, like that person is filling a role that a boyfriend or, you know, a girlfriend might fill. Just those late night talks going out to dinner with someone, you know, just having that quality time. And when you meet someone that you really like and you want to invest in, it's going to eat up that quality time, right? And then subsequently, it sounds like at the same time, you know, maybe she did have, you know, more in common with some of these people in this group,

or really it was just probably more just, I'm guessing most of them are single in this group? Currently, two of them. But like at the time, only one of them was. Is it the women or the gay men? The gay guy has always been single. And then... I guess the women's more specific.

Yeah, so the women have a relationship. Yeah. Okay. But is their partner part of the group? One was, then they broke up into it on anymore. Is this like a party group? Are they like very like socialites? Are they going out a lot?

Is it just like? I mean they do party but they also like do other stuff like active together. Like what? I mean one of them is sober. Okay. But like they always like do like Pilates and going walks and stuff. Okay. Well listen to whatever degree your boyfriend misses these groups of people and wants to hang out with them, the solution's easy.

he can just bring you. If there is an element of you both feel like there is something there that you guys don't know where you are being rejected by this group or like you are unwanted, and maybe that's the case. It is weird that you're not getting this invite. Yeah. Whoever your boyfriend is closest with in that group, he could just ask. Or you could just ask her, you know, just point blank. You know, you could just be very mature about this. You know what I'm saying? Like if you want to hear the truth, if you want to get to the bottom of it. Yeah. You know, if you need to know, that, which I don't know if you do, right? Like, I don't, like, this is giving, again, like, I want closure for the, you know, from the guy who

doesn't call me and like clearly, like, doesn't want what I want with him, you know? Yeah. And closure usually is forcing someone to tell you something that's going to hurt you and you didn't really need to know that to move on. Yeah. There's that element. You know, it's just like, Like they aren't giving you what you want. You don't know exactly why, but you know they're not giving you what you want. You know, and that in itself should be enough to move on. I understand life isn't that simple and sometimes we need to know. But if you want to, you could just point blank.

Just be like, just be direct and be like, you could just call it out. You know, instead of just asking, it's this guy, I want to hang out with you more. Then it's easy for it to be like, oh, yeah, let's try. What is that, you know? And then she can not try. You could just be like, what? happened to us? Like, why, why am I getting, why, why is Matt getting invites to things? And I'm just not. I feel like I'm being excluded. And like, that's fine. Like, listen, if, if, if, if I'm not

wanted, I don't like just, but I am curious could you just tell me. Like, I don't want to show up to something with Matt where I'm not wanted, you know? And so like, you know, it's like, you could ask her point blank. And if that's this, if you just need an answer, you need an answer. To whatever degree that maybe you're overthinking this, I don't know. Your boyfriend, yeah, is the simple solution of also he could be like, he could, I don't know, to the degree that he cares, it wants to hang out with these people. Maybe there's someone in that group that he feels close with or comfortable enough to ask the like, why aren't you guys bringing or inviting her? Like it's gotten to the point where we're kind of weird, well, this is like a hangout group.

They're an active group. They do a lot of things. Whatever. Sometimes your boyfriend's invited when you're not. Like, are they expecting him to show up without you? Like, to a rodeo. Like, rodeos, how do you know that? Well, no, okay, that's not true. Because one of the other girls texted him and was like, oh, are you and Molly coming?

And he just said that we had plans that night, which was kind of true. But I had told him after that, I was like, hey. So to an event that he was invited to, but you weren't. He received a text from one of those people in that group and asked if you were both coming? Yeah.

What am I missing? It was like the day before the event. Regardless. Regardless. Well, so the thing is, I think what hard. Just to be clear, the assumption I'm hearing from that text is that you are welcomed and you are invited. Now, whether you got what you wanted or felt like you deserved, that text tells me that they thought that you two might come. Yeah.

And I've like This girl She has always like much Been much more inclusive To me like she's always inviting like me to stuff In the past And like she's reached out to me But I think it like kind of has originated from

My ex best friend because she was the one That like sent out the individual invites And so it makes me feel like In order for like Us to be included more in the group. I just need to repair things. You want to feel wanted by her.

I want to feel not excluded. But yeah. Well, you don't know if you're being excluded. Sure. You're assuming you're being excluded. You might be being excluded, but you know you're not feeling wanted. Yes.

There's definitely a difference. Yeah. They both might be true. It's unclear that you're being excluded, and it doesn't seem like you are. If you were being excluded, I feel like you are. wouldn't get a response back. I don't think, again, you're, you wanted a, oh my God, I thank you. I miss you.

Are you free this weekend? You wanted to initiate and hear that from your former best friend. You didn't get that. You got a thanks, which is, to me, sounds like you guys lost touch for whatever reason she feels that way. And yes, it's not as much of a priority for her to reignite that friendship as it feels like it is for you. And it might be just as simple as, again, she was just like, I don't know, she's just like busier. And then like organically, she just started hanging out with these other people and feeling just slowly feeling closer to them. And that's how, you know, like, and I'm curious, like this ex best friend, like when you think about her personality and your personality, like how much do you guys really vibe? So I totally understand why she's like clicked with

those people because they are very similar. Okay. And like I also understand that she's like, I'm just like not her person. I'm good with that. I just don't. I don't want to feel like I'm like separating my boyfriend from his friends. I understand like if he's a big boy. Yeah.

Yeah. You just have to get on the same page with your boyfriend, right? And doesn't sound like you totally are. Right. Yeah. It also sounds like you're getting a little bit in your head about this friend group. Right. And to whatever degree that you are, I mean, have you had a hard time making or keeping

girlfriends in the past? Kind of. I mean, like, yeah. Yeah. Why do you feel, okay. Why do you feel like that might be? I don't know. I, um, I feel like I was like bullied a lot growing up.

And sorry. Like, and like, I do have other friends besides her. But I think like, this is like my closest. adult friendship, which was like made it kind of hard. Because I have outside friends that I had good friendships with and like, and still friends with some people from college and stuff. So, um, I do have some like longer term friendships.

But I think it's hard because I kind of accepted where we were at in our friendship with my ex best friend and like, I was fine. I had moved on. And then, um, this past fall, like we went to a music festival.

together and everything felt great and it you know we were doing all the things that we used to do when it felt very natural and I like had like renewed hope and our friendship and she was like oh my god I love you I miss you and then after that I never heard from her again and she went through like major life changes and didn't bother to tell me we're talking about the same friend yeah yeah and after that I was just like you know I kind of gave up but I guess I just like have I don't know if it's like guilt or my past trauma that makes me feel like I did something wrong, you know. What are you talking about past trauma? Just like the experience that I've had with like friendships growing up and stuff.

Yeah. Do you feel if I were to ask you like do you demand a lot of loyalty from friends? No. I mean, I was when she started hanging out with these people, I was really happy for her, you know? Okay. Because I understood like how they were more similar to her. I feel like I'm overall like a fairly easygoing person. Okay.

Well, that's good. I mean, I think it's a pretty common thing for people to meet people, become friends and then choose them to other people and then feel almost excluded. You know, I think that happens a lot. Really? Yeah. I've experienced that in life. I mean, I know, yeah, I think it happens even more common with women.

Like, in my experience, like a lot of women I know, it's like they always seem to have one or two best friends. Yeah. sometimes just one. And it's like if it's a group of three, then there's usually like two of them who become closer and then like there's someone who almost sometimes feels left out. If it's, you know,

and there might be a group of five girlfriends, but within that five girlfriends, they're like paired off into like best friends, you know? Yeah. And then sometimes with that, there are like girlfriend breakups. I mean, I've seen that a lot with the like women I know in my life throughout the years,

whether it's sisters or girlfriends or just friends that are girls. Like I feel like that's pretty common. the reason I asked about the demanding loyalty is that like a handful of people I've known in my life or women I've known in my life that I've that I've observed to have struggled with friendships there was and I don't I'm not getting this vibe from you but there was a level of intensity that they expected where being their friend from an outsider's point of view seemed it looked exhausting yeah where it was like it just they really and I think it can't from a place of insecurity, you know, and I don't, you know, like some of these people, I knew enough about them. I spent some time with them. And they're, the, the, like, I'm, I'm thinking of two people in right now in particular that I've known that, you know, over the past, say, 10 years, they were intense. They were intense. To be around, like they, you know, when you could tell that they demanded people's attention, they wanted to people to follow them, but they weren't the type of

personality that people necessarily wanted to follow in a way. And then when they would see other girls bond, you could tell it bothered them. But is any of that sounding familiar? Not really, honestly. Like, I do feel like I'm more of an introverted person. I'm also a person, like I don't ever feel like I want to be the center of attention, you know. You're sending our attention is the wrong word But yeah I don't know But there was just an intensity

To these people that It felt I think they were fun at first They seemed nice But it got exhausting These people would always get upset Somehow In these groups And eventually I think other people

Got exhausted by them getting upset Yeah Would these people ever say Oh you know Molly's gosh she just always got I don't know She's always so upset with something I don't know

No. Okay. Well, listen. Honestly, like I, I mean, I work in health care and so I feel like I'm really good at, no matter like what's going on in like my like day to day life. If I like am out with friends, I'm going to like put on a face and be happy. I'm not going to like drag everyone down with me. And then that wouldn't be what I, yeah, that would be the opposite of the two people I'm thinking of.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it's just like some past trauma, you know, that you're projecting onto this friend group and you're overthinking it. And to a little bit, you're overthinking it, you know. Yeah. You have this closest with this one friend, for whatever reason, she is not going out of her way to make you feel included.

Yeah. Right. You've had these other women in this group that have gone, like, oh, is Molly coming? You know, but like you, that wasn't who you wanted to hear that from. Yeah. I wonder, had you got the invite from the friend, would you have changed plans to go to the thing that you guys said you were unavailable for? Yeah, it was totally of God.

So then why didn't you go? You know, I get, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, that's, that's where you're, you're either like, don't fuck with these people move on and like keep your peace and, and, and, or go. And make it easy to be reminder, like that you're fun. Like, right now you feel rejected by this friend and you are sitting back and waiting for her to make a move. I understand you sent her a text and her.

birthday. But you did just say happy birthday, right? Yeah. And I only really, I only really sent that because I felt pressured by a little bit of my boyfriend and also a little bit of like my mom, my sister. And like they were like, because you, I'm assuming you expressed to them it was her birthday and you felt a certain way and they were like, you should just text her. I told them I was her birthday and I was like, yeah, I didn't text her because like I don't feel like we're friends anymore. And they were like, oh, that's kind of. a petty. That's, yeah.

But that's the thing. You're, you know, listen, you're an adult at this point. And that is not an adult move in a sense. Yeah. Maybe that's not a great way of saying.

I don't know. But I'm just saying, like it's, again, like you, for six months, this woman was kind of your partner. You know,

she was going to the holidays with your family. There was a level of intimacy that this friendship had that you charged. Yeah, but I mean, my boyfriend was also there at that time. So your boyfriend was always in the picture? No, but like he, when it was like holidays, he came to my family holidays and stuff still. But who did you meet first, the friend or the boyfriend?

The friend. Okay. Yeah. But I'm just saying there was still a level of intimacy there. Mm-hmm. Right? I mean, if not, then what are you missing? Yeah, no, sure.

You know, I was thinking, you know, now I'm going off some tangent, But in the context of I was watching the Valley and in the Valley, like you got two, you know, Jesse and Michelle used to be married. Now they're divorced and it's ugly and toxic. It's a reality TV show and whatever. And now Jesse's dating someone else. I think she's dating too. And like they're hanging out with like each other and in this friend group and they're making a TV show and they're bringing their partners. And it made me think about like how we get over people and how we move on. And what's the thing that makes it difficult to get over someone, right? And when you. And to me, at the end of day, it's the intimacy you used to have with someone, right? Because sometimes you, you know, there are people who you used to date where you're like, I can't believe I dated them. I'm like, oh my God, I am so glad there's someone else's problem, right? And so when you think of it to that lens, you'd like, you'd buy their partner new partner a shot. You'd be like, God, thank you. God, thank you. Good luck out there, man. You know, but to let and to whatever degree that you don't, like, I was just watching. the show and I empathized with both of them to the degree that they have this child together. And you know, someone who has, you know, a young daughter, like having a child with someone is at an incredibly intimate moment. You have this shit. You, you made something together. You made a human being, you know,

and there's intimacy behind that. Sex is also a level of intimacy. You know, when you realize that that person is not available to you for physical intimacy and that you can't have them, it hurts a little bit, right when you know when you see them with someone else it hurts when they're sharing that intimacy and so what i'm you know clearly this this ex best friend she is not like she's not saying i you know she's she's responding your texts you know like but there is an intimacy with her that you no longer have that you feel like she's sharing with other people but she's definitely not sharing it with you and that's the part that really hurts you yeah right is that like it's become more And the whatever shared intimacy that you two have, you no longer have that anymore. And that's

what's upsetting to you. Does that make sense? Yeah. And so I think just acknowledging that will help you understand your choices a little bit better. And I guess to that degree, it does make you less petty, right? Because this is not about not texting your friend, happy birthday. You're just like, I just don't know, we're not what I thought we were. And we're not what I wanted to be with her. Yeah. And to that degree, you feel rejected by her. You know, it's just like she'll still hang out with you, but she won't be intimate with you anymore. Yeah.

And like, I'm fine with that. I just. Well, you know, no, you're not. But that's okay. But also, like, that's the part you want closure from or you just want clarity from. And you're only going to get clarity from her by being direct with her and asking her. In the meantime, you are making you this kind of confusing for yourself and your boyfriend and everyone else in this group because you do have, you've recognized some past trauma with

friendships. And to whatever degree, you're kind of projecting this or assuming or here we go again and guarding yourself and protect yourself from being hurt. You know, like you got invited to this thing. You didn't go because the not the right person didn't ask. Yeah. Well, by the time that like the other girl said, oh, are you and Molly going? We had already made plans and I was like, that's not my point. But you acknowledge that if the right person asked, you would have figured out a way to go. Yeah. And a different person asked, and it wasn't enough for you to want to change your plans because you didn't feel wanted by the right person.

Yeah. And so, you know, as far as the friend group goes, that part is a disservice to you. And it's in a, and you and your boyfriend are kind of getting in the weeds of like who you're supposed to be mad at, how you're supposed to feel about this friend group as a whole. he wants to probably be protective of you and so he's not hanging out with these people but he's kind of missing them but this is all rooted or how you feel about this friend

who you had this intimacy with the friendship, that bond that you guys had that you no longer have and you just need to clear that up with her or just accept that it's no longer that anymore and stop excluding other people in your life because you feel like she's picked them over you and they're all you know what I'm

does that make sense? Because like because of the complication with this one friend and because she's with this group you lump them all together and if you don't feel welcomed by her you don't want kind of anything to do with them and that

kind of includes stopping your boyfriend from having anything to do with them either. I mean I have reached out to other people in the group and I've tried to like hang out with them and it's always been oh, I can't do that day, and then nothing. Okay.

But like, are these people who are you really close with? No. Yeah. So you're reading into something where they're just like, oh, yeah, I can't, you know, like, you're just, you're being indirect, right? Uh-huh. And then why did you reach out to them and not your friend when you ask? Is it like, is it because you genuinely wanted to like hang out with them or you were

con, you know, like, or were you fishing a little bit? No, I mean, I like this girl. I would like to be friends with her. Okay. Yeah. But do you have that rapport with her? I mean, kind of. Okay. Am I making any sense? Like, I mean... No, you are. I mean, I guess do I just like get over it or do I text her and be like, hey?

If it's still eating away at you, I think you should talk to her. And it's just more about like, listen, I don't know the best way to say it, but I think you should recognize. that like listen and maybe there's a vulnerability there where like I missed the friendship what we had and the reason I missed it is because like I don't know how much she knows about your history with friends does she yeah she knows all of it yeah okay well as you know like I just like didn't have that and I really cherish that and I know I got busy with life and in Matt or whatever but I missed that and I feel like it's and now I'm just kind of in my head and I don't know like like Am I overthinking it?

You know, are, you know, but maybe I just feel like when it comes to adult friendships, people like everyone's busy, everyone has their lives. As we get older, it's just like friends are less of a priority, right? Because careers and partners kind of come into play. Obviously this friend group still like prioritizes each other and you feel excluded from that. But I don't know why they are doing what they're doing. But the easiest way to feel included is to be easy to be included. You know, to just to be easy to have around.

And I said that about myself too. You know, like I, you know, things I'm really good at to no unsurprise enforcing my boundaries. I know what I like. I know what I don't like. I'm opinionated. Sometimes I speak up even when I'm not asked, you know. And that has helped me a great deal in aspects of my life. At times, that has probably made me difficult to be around.

I am definitely not the person who's like, everyone wants to do shots, let's do shots. I was always like, no, I'm good. Again, like, that's a little boundary, but it's setting a boundary. I don't like roll with the flow. I don't go with the flow often. And at times around certain people, that's a little bit of a buzzkill maybe. And like, I've, you know, there have been moments in my life. I've had to recognize this or acknowledge it.

I don't know. most of the time I'm just more like, you know what, I'm going to be who I am. And no, I still don't want to take a shot just to be like, or, you know, or things like, not that they don't like me, but it's just more like, I just know I'm not the person who's always down for a good time. Yeah. I have to at least accept that about myself. So whenever I feel excluded in life, I have to like go back to, well, I can make different choices, but I am content with who I am. But I, I've also had, times have had to recognize that maybe I could be a little less difficult in situations if I want to feel more included. Yeah. And all I am saying is it big picture wise in general and maybe not

necessarily something to do with the specific friendship. I wonder if you've just focused on being easy to be around. And being easy to be around means when the other friends says, are you and Molly coming and this is a friend group you would like to be included more often to show up and show up with a smile and have fun and not being your head and not show up wondering why the friend doesn't talk you know like yeah you don't show up and kind of you know and use that as a moment to have the talk with the friend you just go and be fun yeah you know and like I did that for a while and then I don't know he's like it got tiring yeah yeah I mean Listen, and that I'm like, like you, sometimes I'm like, I said, I'm not having fun.

I don't want to go. Yeah. But you have to ask yourself, why are you not having fun because you couldn't get out of your head about the friend? Or are you just don't find this group of people that fun? Kind of both. Well, that's another thing you have, you know, you know what I'm saying? Like we all want to be wanted. Yeah.

There's a lot. Most things I don't want to do, but I still want to be wanted. Yeah. And to the degree that you feel unwanted, it's making you want to do things. deep down you don't want to fucking do. That's probably true. And how are things overall with your boyfriend? They're good.

Okay. So you got a relationship that you're pretty happy about. Yeah. You know, I don't know if you listen to this show, but there's a lot of people out there who don't have that. You reinvest it in your career. How's that going on? Yeah, it's great.

I'm about to graduate in like two weeks and I have a job already. That's awesome. When it's like my dream feels, so I'm really happy. So there's that. Yeah. You're struggling a little bit when it comes to friendships, but I do think a lot of it is past trauma and you kind of projecting that onto things and then overreating things and again, being a little dramatic or being a little petty and just

like not just accepting that you know, you're focusing in what you don't have and not appreciating what you do have. And to whatever degree when you want to see these people, just be easy to be around and try not to overthink it. And if you are going to hang out with these people, just go to hang out. If you need to talk to. talk to this friend, talk to this friend. Yeah. But at some point, I think you might just need to accept that she just, like, she's at a different stage of life than you.

She met people she has slightly more in common with. Yeah. And that there's a sad element to the fact that you lost that intimacy with this friend. But I don't know what you want in your relationship, you know, but eventually, like, it's hard to maintain that level of intimacy with more than one person. Yeah. And you have it with your boyfriend. You're describing the type of friendship that was deeply close.

And again, like a lot of girlfriends I had before I was dating Natalie, like, you know, and again, an intimacy of my platonic women friends. There was no physical intimacy, but there was emotional intimacy. There was a connection. And I became more unavailable when I rechannel that intimacy to my new girlfriend, who is now my wife. And for a lot of people, it's hard to do. And honestly, I have found the people who try to have those relationships with a lot of people are never great at with anyone. Yeah.

So is that, is this in any way helpful or? Yeah. I think maybe in a way I needed, like, permission to, like, not feel guilty that I'm, like, taking my boyfriend away from his friends when, like, he doesn't actually, like, give a fuck about them, you know. Well, also are you, you know? Do you need to be? No, I don't think so. This is about you and this girl. This doesn't sound like it's about you and this group of friends.

So if your boyfriend wants to hang out with this group of friends and like outside of like you just not feeling weird or trust them, then like let them go hang out. And to the degree that like, why can't you just sometimes go? Again, you had plans eventually. Yeah. And to say you would have changed, you know, like you just have to accept where you're at or not at with this friend. You need some closure.

you need to give yourself whatever closure you need. Now, whether that's through a conversation you have with her or just being like, yo, we just want different things. And the reality is, I mean, what if, like, for example, what if you talked to her and she was like, yeah, I miss it too, but like, I'm going to start inviting you to everything we do. How many, how much of those things would you want to show up for? Because if she was like, yeah, I mean, I do have these other friends and like, I, you know, because the things that you guys did before, I'm guessing like, both of your lives are different now. Right. So, yeah, I guess she could show up for the holidays, but like, I don't know, maybe she just, why, you know, like, it's kind of not normal for like a friend with like, in a one-off situation. It's like, hey, this, I don't really have anyone. Do you want to come and hang out with my family for Christmas and Thanksgiving? Yeah, sure. And you have a great time. Yeah. That's not like you all of a sudden make it like a thing. Like you do with your, you know, I haven't been to my family's Thanksgiving since I met Natalie because I've been going to her family's Thanksgiving.

Yeah. Yeah. And my family gets Christmas. Yeah. I guess it just felt like a, I mean, it gave the sense of intimacy like you're saying, you know, that it was potentially a more long-term friendship than it ended up being. Well, again, long-term. It really comes down to what your expectations are of this friendship. I will say like this, she's not the person, like, she's not your right or die. And I think you just missed that intimacy. But I do think you probably have overthought it a little bit where you have made it a little difficult for this friend. to maintain a friendship that she's comfortable maintaining. And it's not going to be the same as what you guys had.

And I think you just need to reconcile that. Like, what are you comfortable having with this friend? I mean, that would be fine if we just, like, can exist within the same group. You know, that's like all they want. My gut tells me, and I could be wrong, that has more to do with you than her. Yeah. Because you are reading, like, not getting a specific invite as you being excluded. and then you don't show up.

And then the question is when you hang out with this group, are you open to hanging out with the group or do you want to hang out with her? No, I mean, I don't really feel like I haven't need to hang out with her anymore. I feel like we're like not friends, you know. But could you get that out of your head? You are like, you're not best friends anymore.

Yeah. Maybe. You've lost that intimacy. Because what I'm hearing is this like, yeah. And again, if this is like under the context of a, to me it sounds like, you know, I remember my first. girlfriend, right? Like we'd break up a bunch of times. Like, and we had a lot of mutual friends. And then she

was dating some other guy for a while and I heard about it. Like when my friends would go hang out in the area where they might run into her, I would never fucking go. Because I just couldn't handle it. You know, I couldn't handle running into her because I know the intimacy that I came accustomed to as my girlfriend. And those periods of times, I didn't have access to that. And it felt rejected. I couldn't just be cool with her. You know, I couldn't just hang out and be chill. Right. And the way you're describing, it sounds a lot like that where it's just like you can't go, it's hard for you to go hang out with this group because like you're just so fucking in your head about what you don't have with her anymore. Yeah. Does that make sense? Is that accurate? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

in some ways because I also think you know when we went to this music festival in the fall I felt like I was there and I was chill and we were all hanging out and it was fun you know yeah great but where's the butt? The butt is I never heard anything since then from who? Her and everyone

I just think part of it is this like you people see you too as a I mean I don't know there's a like if you're a really close couple they might just see you as a couple. Yeah. And the individual invites might seem a little ridiculous to them. I mean, there's a world where they're like, why does she mad about it? Like, we sent them an invite.

I don't know. And then that one girl asked if you guys were coming. And in that moment, you were wondering why you didn't get your own invite. And then you wanted to feel invited by the one friend. Yeah. And what I'm saying is this festival or concert that you described, they probably feel the same way. That was a good time. But you left at wanting them, you want to be wanted by them.

and you don't feel wanted by them. And I am just saying, maybe it's not that deep to them. And they're just like, I don't know, she's going to school. She's got a, I don't know. It's just like... Yeah.

And it also sounds like there's a lot of times that you wouldn't want to hang out with them based on what they're doing. Yeah. Because you got shit to do. Yeah. And this group of friends, they're just like, they're always around.

They're always there. They're not, you know, and for whatever reason, they're just, they know they're going to say yes to each other. And, you know, like me, you know, when I, you know, it's just like I say no a lot to a lot of things. People stop, you know, people stop asking you when you're good at saying no to things. Yeah.

So I think there's a little bit of like, I think you just accepting who you are a little bit better. Mm-hmm. You know, maybe just, I don't know, are you in any type of therapy? Yeah, I was for a really long time. Yeah. Sorry, I'm crying. I was not expecting this. It's okay.

Yeah, I did years and years of therapy in my early 20s because I had some mental health struggles, but like I felt like I've grown so much since I'm. Generally, I'm really proud and really confident who I've become and like what I've accomplished. But there's just like this weak spot when it comes to this, you know? Listen, do you ever go to the gym? Yeah, all the time. Okay. And when you stop going to the gym, what happens? I feel like shit. I mean, you know, like I haven't worked out. Yeah.

Like I used to work out. My arms are, I feel like I have my arms like noodles or whatever. But like, you know, when you stop working on your physical health, your body responds. Yeah. When you stop working on your mental health, your body response. Yeah. So like you used to do a lot of therapy. It seemed to be helpful.

Yeah. You stopped. Then this thing happened. Yeah. And you're having a hard time process. it. And I'm just saying like, you know, again, the therapy is this, it works a lot better when you treat it like maintenance rather than reconstructive surgery. Yeah. Yeah. It's like how helpful is going to the gym when you get like, it's like if I got asked to do a photo shoot next week, like I don't

know what, like I could start working out for six days a week, but it's almost, I'm only going to get so much out of that. Right? Had I been working out for the past six months, I'd be more prepared for that. And I'm just saying, like, you know, we, we take for granted what it takes to stay in our physical best shape versus our mental best shape. So if you are feeling like a little lost mentally and a little, like, just confused and having a hard time processing these things, maybe check, you know, maybe revisit that. Because it just sounds like honestly, like it's not as bad as it feels. And you have some past trauma with some friendship stuff. that's showing up in this friendship.

And you're not crazy for feeling this way, but you're maybe not seeing it as clearly as, you know, you're just not on the same page as this friend. And it's, yeah. And I, if I were you, the best advice I could give you is just try to address that. And, you know, I hope this was somewhat helpful. But I just think you need,

I think you just need to workshop this a little bit. And to me, it's more about you getting back on track, on feeling comfortable with who you are and the choices you're, making and you have a lot of good things going in your life right now with your relationship and your career between prioritizing a romantic relationship or career in friendships. I think you're prioritizing the two more important things, you know, assuming that your relationship goals are to not like grow old with friends so you can go to Burning Man together.

No, for sure. You know, and so, but that doesn't mean you don't want to have friends and it doesn't mean you don't want to have some intimacy with friendships. Yeah. But I think the way you are internalizing this is stopping you from feeling content with your choices. And then it's also bleeding into your friendships where in ways I don't think you realize you're being more difficult than you need to be to just be around.

Yeah. I think it's hard because like I tell my other friends about it and they're like, oh my God, that's so crazy. Like I can't believe she did that and all that stuff. Well, sure. It probably just like feeds into the drama. of it all. Well, yeah, when you tell a ten-minute version of the story, and it's just your story, it's like, yeah, that's fucked up. Why did she, why did she, you know, it's. Yeah. But there's a lot of

nuance here, right? Yeah, for sure. And yes, I don't think telling a bunch of your friends this story so they can let you, it's not being, that's not helpful. That's like, again, like, it's, it's like going through a breakup and telling your, what are your friends going to say? They're going to have your back. They're going to say he sucks. blah blah blah blah blah and it's not about them sucking it's just about how do you stop how do you accept this new reality because you're stuck and you need to get unstuck and that's so much about moving on from a breakup is just feeling unstuck talking to your friends about it it keeps you stuck talking to a therapist about like who also like has a

goal of getting you unstuck and helps you change how you think you know these friends aren't helping you change how you think. They're just, there's reinforcing a narrative of how you feel. Yeah. And I don't think that narrative is,

is productive right now. Yeah, that's true. So, is helpful at all? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry you're going through this, but I would definitely think

about finding a therapist that you feel good about and just workshop this and talk, you know, centered around friendships. Yeah. I love my therapist.

She, like, she graduated, me to like as needed and I just never reached back to help yeah well that's okay now you need it yeah yeah um and I would talk about this situation in a way that like because I don't think there's nothing anything to do here other than you being content yeah and to the degree that like you in this conversation you said I just want to be able to hang out with this group from time to time yeah But I don't know if that's how you really feel because what I'm hearing everything, there's nothing stopping you from doing that today. Because this group does invite you guys from time to time.

And right now, you and your boyfriend are saying no because you feel excluded. But that feeling excluded, I think, is somewhat in your head. You don't feel wanted by a particular person. And then you are projecting that onto the entire group as being excluded. Yeah. Yeah. And it sounds to me if you really wanted to be like if your goal was to be the most popular person that's great, I bet you could do it. I just don't know if you want to do the things that would be required. No, I don't. And I think you just, that's the part you have to accept

about yourself and be okay with. Yeah. Because like in this time I have like nurtured my other friendships and I'm like really happy with those. So yeah. And that's, I think I need to focus on what I have, you know. Yes. But it's easier said than done. But all I'm saying is try not to be. the person who doesn't want to take shots with the group, but is frustrated that group doesn't think you're the most fun person to be around. If you wanted to be more fun, go take the shot, but you don't want to take the shot. And you need to be a content with, you know, because like the people who want to take shots, they want everyone to take the shots with them because everyone wants to drink alone.

Yeah. And you're unwilling to do that sometimes. And that is okay because what do that means is you're also probably good at setting some boundaries that maybe they're not. And people who aren't good at setting boundaries want to spend time with other people who aren't good at setting boundaries. And I think, yeah, I just want you to feel good about your, you're making, it sounds like you're making relatively good choices.

And I want you to feel better about that. Yeah. Okay. And I think your therapist can help. Yeah, she definitely can. She's great. All right. I'll see her again.

Do that. All right. I appreciate the call. I'm sorry you're sad about this, but hopefully this is a step in the right direction. Yeah, for sure. Thank you so much. All right. Take care.

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My question is, should I be worried about being unmarried at 30 years old? No. Why do you ask that question like that? I mean, you obviously know the answer is no, right? I do know that answer, but I feel like turning 30 is in a couple months for me. and I've had multiple relationships and I've felt like I've been so close to finding the right person for me. But I feel like after turning 30, the pressure definitely feels a little bit more on. I am dating right now.

And it's kind of crazy out there. I'm just really ready to like settle down with someone, but I also know that I do have time. I have been engaged before. So I think I am getting closer. But it's just that initial like should I just be focusing on myself or should I actually be, trying to find a partner. But what do you think your biggest issue is? I mean, is it just like you're turning 30 and you're getting nervous?

I am. I feel like I'm getting nervous. And so many people, like so many of my friends are like married and having kids. And I just feel like I am behind in that time frame a little. Other than just like your time frame is different than their time frame, which is probably the most likely answer? Like, are there things that you think you could be doing differently or are, is it just the men that you're dating, is it just bad luck? I mean, at the end of the day, you know, it's,

it comes down to, yeah, I mean, most likely you just have to like, this hasn't happened on your timeline. I'll give you the situation I'm in right now. I met someone online. We met through TikTok, actually, and we started messaging. How do you meet on? Is it, can you DM on TikTok or how's that work? Yeah. So I actually, I did, I slid in the DM. So I actually found him, though, off Facebook dating. And he had his TikTok in his profile. So I went and found him. And like from the first pictures I saw, I was just like, who is this man?

Start messaging on like Instagram and Snap and then finally start texting. And it's been like a couple weeks now. This is my first time meeting him. I actually met him for the first time last night. And we had so much fun. It was so much fun. Like best night really hit it off. He definitely said that he is talking.

to a couple other people. And I also have like other dates lined up and things like that. But definitely nothing with substance like I have with this guy. How's that come up by? I'm honestly just curious, like on our first date. Is that pretty common these days where you're like being up front that you have like people have rosters basically? No.

So like we aren't really into depth. But like we talked about really deep actual life stuff. Like I don't know how much I should say. But. family and like just life like really really deep into things and he basically was like making jokes about it like you're going to fall in love and i was like well i'm not going to actually because you're not available so i really feel like i need to hold myself back i feel like i do get attached to people like once i do choose someone like i will so right he was he was jokingly saying he's going to fall you're going to

fall in love with him yeah like sure and what made you say he's not available He originally had said he's like just not looking for a relationship right now. How was this guy? My 29, very country guy, like travels a lot basically and just like in the gym likes to shoot, like just kind of has his life and travels to see his friends a lot. So he just is enjoying his life. He had his own relationship that didn't work out. And he said he lost himself and didn't see his friends for like a couple years.

But when I look in his eyes, I definitely see the connection. Like I can feel it. When you look in his eyes, you can feel? Yes, like when we're talking and we're, I'm like looking at him. I feel, I feel like chemistry. Like, I know it's there. And like, I don't know. But I just think I should like put the brakes on and not get in too deep before I allow myself to get hurt, basically.

I think that's another piece I have advice I can ask for. Like, how do you not get excited? I'm like just stay. I want to stay grounded, but also I love love. And so it's just, it is fun. It's fun, especially too, at the beginning. stages. It's new. It's exciting and it's so easy to just like fall into like, could this be something? What's your longest relationship you've had? It was four years. Okay. How long,

it? We broke up a year ago. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. Do you end it? Did he end it? I ended it because we ended up being long distance. We were living in Hawaii and he got deployed overseas. And so I decided to moved to Florida to finish my nursing degree and be closer to my family. And he kept saying he was going to move to Florida, but he just never did. And it was just like two years of like begging, crying, like, please move here. Like, I want to be with you, like spend our life together. And so basically kind of forced an engagement. I was like, you're either going to marry me or I'm going to leave. We got engaged and I was just still not happy. Like that was not the bandaid. That was going to fix everything. So I did end up ending it and it was it was really sad and it was hard. But I think

he knew that I was not happy for a long time. So I really did try. I just ended up like not really also seeing my life in Hawaii anymore just because I have no one out there and it's just so far away from family and whatnot. When you moved like, were you like, I'm moving? When I moved away from Hawaii? Yeah. Like what was, like he was your boyfriend at the time, right? Like you had been dating for a couple years. Yeah. a year and a half and then yeah and was it like he was getting deployed overseas for six months oh okay so he was leaving hawaii and you were like well you're you you're gone and i'm i'm by myself yeah basically and i was going to be waitless to get into nursing school and it's really hard to

get into school out there because there's only so many so my sister was already a nursing school in Florida. And so I just applied and got right in. And then now I've been here three years now. And I do love it here. I love it here. So I guess like why are you so nervous? I mean, I know you're turning 30, but it seems like a, you know, it seems like where you're at is a product of the choices you've made. And I don't mean that is a bad thing. I mean, like, it makes a lot of sense that you move back home to Florida, you went and invested in yourself and got a higher education degree. And now I'm assuming you love nursing and, you know, so now you're doing something you love. There's a, there's a world where maybe, you know, if he didn't get deployed or you didn't move or he maybe he did a little bit more

than he did to keep you around, there's a world where that relationship could have taken too much of your energy where you wouldn't have gone back to school. You know, know so you got to look at it that way yeah so we ended on good terms and we are we're still friendly but um i definitely don't i don't miss that relationship i feel like the what i'm attracted to has changed a lot i guess i didn't feel i didn't feel very cowboy yeah um like how serious are you about that like lately i've had two recent relationships that were shorter one that was six months one three months a lot of like men will they say and they want certain things and they want certain things and then they say too much and they like pull back or like just giving empty promises.

So I'm very gullible. Like I'll believe what you say to me because I will tell you the truth too. Like that's the kind of person I am. So I just give me an example. So my last boyfriend, like I was just like wanting if we were going to move in together. And he was like, I think this year like we could look into marriage. Like we should talk about that. One week he's saying that.

And then the next week he like broke up with me. And he broke up with me multiple times. Like it was just ridiculous. He would leave and come back. And I want to choose a good man, a nice, solid, grounded person to spend my life with. But I'm nervous that it doesn't attract me as much anymore. And that's I don't, it's almost like, it's like a bad boy thing. And it sounds so, it sounds just dumb and like cheesy.

But it's something about it is really pulling me. Like I hope I can find it all. Like I want the full package. So I'm just like, is it out there? What is the full package to you? Obviously someone I am attracted to physically, but loving, loyal, want to be in a committed relationship, want to be in a marriage, want to have a family, and wants to provide and build a life. But what about the bad boy thing that you, or is that part of the total package or? I mean, I do love like someone who like works out, like bigger, taller, like.

Sure. What does that do with being a bad boy, though? I guess the last couple, like, an even guy, I'm like, is he in your apartment or something? I'm like, I am at its hell right now. You're at his house? Yeah, he loved to go get food. Yeah.

You know, because he was coming into town. And this was like, his timing was impeccable. Let me say that. Did you guys hook up? Yeah, yeah. It was great. It was amazing. We had the best night.

Like, stayed up until four in the one. morning, just talking the whole time, like talking from basically. Where did he go? Like, you know, you went to go to coffee or something? Yeah, he went to get us coffee. What was it going to happen? Did you kick him out? Like, did you have this call plan? No. You were. Yeah, I told it. Well, no, so I was going to go home. I was going to go home, but I work. But you're at his place? I thought he's in town. So I'm at his Airbnb. Okay. Gotcha. Yeah. All right. It's actually his friend's Airbnb, but he He gave us the house to ourselves last night. So that's really nice.

Right. But I'm crazy neck. No, no, no. I honestly, I'm happy. Like, I'm enjoying my life. But should I be going on dates with people who I know are like good guys and have a lot to offer, even if I'm not attracted to them? Because looks definitely are not everything.

But what would you say to that? I mean, listen, it's, I don't think it's a this or that. I think you just kind of have to be, you have to prioritize what you want, you know. I think you do have to. to be open to dating outside your comfort zone, you know, it seems like, and a lot of people do, like, it seems like you're leading with your, you know, physicality first, which again, many, most of us do. Is that a bad thing?

Not a bad thing. You just might be limiting your options. I mean, if you're like a lot of the ladies out there who are limiting their options to men over six foot with a good head of hair and make good money you you know like you're kind of looking for a unicorn that's like less than a few percent of the population no and then you know so it's and then like a lot of those guys especially guys around your age um whether consciouslyly or subconsciously know that right now, like, they have options, you know, because like when they go on the apps, everyone's looking for the six foot guy.

I think for you, it's just like saying I looked into his eyes and I know there was a connection. Like, you know, you feel chemistry, you know, and I wouldn't confuse chemistry with a connection. And I'm sure it's exciting. And it sounds to get a great night. It sounds like you had some good sex. That's all fun. the question is like how are you moving you know you said you have a habit of moving fast and and like it's a strong possibility he's going to go live you know he told you last night that he's

not looking for a relationship and i don't know what you what did you say back i was just like i get it like he travels for work like he's focused on himself like i do understand that that's that's that's what i told him and like obviously i respect that other than my focus being on one person like I think I should keep my eyes, like, maybe on, like, the bigger picture and be, like, just really pulling myself back to, like, take things very, very, one step at a time, very slow and not get caught up. So I'm just like, I am emotional. I love love.

And it's so easy. I feel like as a girl to get excited about something. But I think I need to, like, come back down to reality. I mean, like, that's the biggest thing I can leave you with. It's just like you just have to make, you have to be aware of your choices. Yeah, for sure. And you have to be honest with your. choices. I guess what I mean by that is like, listen, you're 29, Yolo, you're living your best life.

It sounds like at a great night. And that's amazing. Like, this is a fun story to tell. It's even crazier that you're at his Airbnb talking to me right now. It makes this call, like, fascinating. And there's a lot of excitement behind that. And that's awesome. You did nothing wrong. In the context of, like, I'm about to turn 30 and I am nervous that I haven't found my person yet. and there's there's something wrong with that. Like, I don't know if the decisions you made last night are putting yourself in a position to find that. Like, you might marry this guy. I don't know.

But he based last night, he was like, listen, I'm in town. I just want to be up front with you. I'm not looking for anything serious. I'm not looking for a girlfriend even, you know. And I don't know what you said next, but a few hours later, you end up in his place and you have sex. which again if you want to have sex great have fun have sex but like he was up front already about what he didn't want right and i don't know how you feel about him emotionally or physically after being intimate with him but like right now he's very much in the driver's seat you know like um you seem

excited about him and you're trying to convince yourself that like oh it's not going to happen but there's a party that probably hopes that it does right especially after having that intimate connection with him. And now it's just like you're going to be sitting around wondering and waiting and things like that. And he's going to have all this power. And he kind of already knows that. This isn't the first time he's been like, yo, I'm not looking for anything serious. And he's ended up some girl's apartment. And he'll probably feel that nervous energy from you. And that nervous energy is for a guy who's already had sex with someone who he barely knows is not exactly like it doesn't keep him wondering or guessing or keeping him it doesn't keep him interested you know

quite frankly um now like there's a good chance like he's out there getting coffee trying to figure out his ex's strategy you know i don't know that's for sure i don't know him at all but like I do know these situations. It's horrible. Yeah, no, you're right. But like he's already had the sex. He's, you know, he doesn't, like, what does he want, right? He doesn't want a relationship, right?

He doesn't want anything serious. So it seems like he wanted sex, which is fine. You wanted sex too, you know, like no crime. You guys are two adults. You had a great time, right? But men and women often respond differently to physical intimacy, right? You feel a little bit more connected. he's more like,

I just had sex with a stranger. And you're getting giddy and excited. He might come back and want more sex. I don't know. But at the point where he's done having sex, without the emotional bond, and if he can feel your nervousness, if he can feel your,

well, when do I get to see you again, men often don't, you know, respond the same way as you do. or women do, you know? And so, again, like, in the context of having a great time, sounds like you made all the right decisions, in the context of setting yourself up for success so that you can get to know people and you can be in control of your feelings, you've put yourself in this particular situation a little bit behind the eight ball, so to speak. You never know. Again, I married the person. I, you know, we hooked up on our first night,

you know, it also was nine months of a situation ship and things like that. There's no perfect way. I'm really glad I talk to you because I do feel like I needed to like hear from my guy's perspective too. And I appreciate you being honest with me and up front and giving me that other view because it's really nice to have the opposite sex in here that paid me and have another guy. So, so thank you yeah i mean i definitely i didn't say that to give you hope i mean i was you know it's it's no i know it's possible but it's just more like it's i don't it's not it's not lucky it's not ideal yeah um yeah there was a lot of luck there wasn't it was you know a lot of things kind of had to happen the right way um for it to work out when you go on dates you got to ask yourself is this about

having fun tonight or is this about getting to know someone you know the the cowboy from texas who's you know on like if you want to keep him excited and interested i would be more mysterious i would be you know more a little more guarded and you can still have fun but like i you know you got to play the game play the game a little bit yeah um but listen if you like at the same time like this guy's from out of town. You're like, I don't know, I'm going to get one shot at having sex with this sexy cowboy, yo, yolo. You know, but like, you just have to be up front with what it is. And the more in control you are with your emotions, the more attractive you will generally be to men. Okay. I like that. Thank you. Yeah, I agree with that as well. No, you're right for

How are you planning on leaving this situation? Like, right, like today, or just in general, well, we're going to hang out for the rest of the day today. We're going to go probably check out the beach a little bit. Yes. Yeah, he was like, do you want to hang out? You're just very available and you're very, he is in total control. Honestly, every, my last three boyfriends and this guy, they all call me the same two words. like I'm sweet and I'm cute.

Those are always the words that I get. And it's like, I'm like, nice girls don't finish first. I'm like, nice guys don't finish, you know, they finish last. It's not about being nice or mean. It's just more about being like, it's making them chase, you know. It's just having some boundaries. It's not appearing as so available to the people you really like. It's not about being a dick.

you know, you don't have to be rude to attract people. You just have to maybe be slightly less accommodating. And, and you have to, what do you want, you know, you have to, you have to lead a little bit in a way, at least lead with like what you want. If you don't want thing, don't say yes, to be polite, you know, you can challenge them a little bit. Thank you so much. You're awesome. All right. Well, thanks for the call. You probably should let you go before it comes back. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. Yeah, thank you. I'm definitely going to take your advice, and I appreciate you for having me on. All right. Thanks for the call.

Bye, Nick. All right, take care. Bye-bye. The Val Fouse is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing a budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it at Progressive.com, Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, prices and coverage match limited by state law. in all states.