The Viall Files - E1138 - Ask Nick - My Boyfriend Blocked Me

Episode Date: June 8, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition!  Our first caller is struggling with her boyfriend refusing to post her on his social media. Our second caller wants to move in with her boyfriend, but he's avoiding the conversation. And, our third caller is worried about who's getting the dogs after getting dumped while signing a lease extension. "This discussion [with your boyfriend] is a tale as old as time." Nick is on Substack! Subscribe here: https://nickviall.substack.com/subscribe  ARE YOU A MESS BECAUSE OF YOUR SITUATIONSHIP? OR JUST IN GENERAL? Email [e-mail] with all your relationship questions and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes! Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content featuring updates from your favorite callers? Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + HERE: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter  To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS:  Chime: Head to https://chime.com/viall. First Leaf: Head to https://tryfirstleaf.com/viall to sign up and you'll get 50% off your first box PLUS free shipping for an entire year. Nature's Sunshine: Go to https://naturessunshine.com today and use the code VIALL for 20% off your first order, plus free shipping. Timeline: Timeline's Mitopure now starts at $79, when you go to https://timeline.com/viall.  Wayfair: Head to https://wayfair.com/m/outdoor right now to get your outdoor space ready for way less. **To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @the_mare_bare @baybaeee Timestamps: 00:00 - Intro 00:13 - Caller One 45:35 - Caller Two 1:03:19 - Caller Three  

My name is Jessica. I'm 36 and my boyfriend refuses to share me on his social media. Is this a red flag? Okay, probably. Maybe, probably. What, what, I'm assuming you've addressed this with him? Yes, it's been an ongoing topic for, I want to say, a few months. How long have you been dating? We've been together solid for just over two years and we were off and on about two years before that. Okay, so you had like a two-year kind of situation ship. Yes. Is that, was that, was that, that like a thing? What do you mean? Well, I mean, like, for example, Natalie and I, now that we're married, we joke about our first

nine months in our relationship. But those first nine months, like, you know, it was a thing, you know. She wanted a date. I didn't want a date. I had some reservations, yada, yada, yada. It was, you know. And it was only nine months, but like, was there a frustrating period in those two years where maybe you or him or, you know, it was a why weren't you together in those first

two years that I'm curious. Absolutely. He, I would say, and he will admit now that he kind of put me through the ringer. It was more of like a lack of wanting to commit and whoever else and whatever else he had going on. So I wasn't, you know, at that point, there was no long-term future for us. It was just off and on. And, you know, I wanted commitment and he didn't.

And yeah. One day he changed his mind. He kind of did a 180, honestly. It was like one day he just realized that he wanted me in his life long term and stop being so difficult. But there is nothing you did or changed? No. Well, I'd love to hear his reasons why after three and a half plus years of being each other's lives and two years of dating, why the Internet thinks you don't exist. Yeah, exactly.

So basically this started, I want to say the topic came up a few months ago. And I've never been kind of, this has never been something super important to me. So it's out of character. And that's kind of why I'm seeking a male perspective because like this is unlike me. And I just, yeah, I don't understand it. When you say unlike you, are you like, are you seeing it as like, I'm not that girl who's so insecure that needs to like, be validated online and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Is that how you're meaning it when you say you're not that?

Yeah, it's just never been an issue for me. Like, I've just never had this insecurity, like, come up before. It's odd. Like, I don't know how to deal with it. Yeah, but when you say insecurity, you make it seem like it's a you problem. Yeah. Like, it's your fault? Yeah.

You know? Like, this is, you are inconveniencing the relationship. your boyfriend because of your insecurities is how you're framing it. Yeah, I suppose. You're right. Jealousy is often a product of insecurity or is. An insecurity comes from either our own unresolved issues, which, you know, is that's kind of how you're implying it, or it's coming from a behavior of our partner that's

driving us to feel insecure. I mean, I'd love to hear the details, but like the little, like, I've talked to you for two minutes and you're like okay i've been saying this guy for over like about four years two half of that time for whatever reason he couldn't commit to you so that and then he just changed his behavior um which means that like that tells me like all right he he sets the tone of things and then for whatever reason he doesn't share you on his social media to the extent that and again you said well it's only been an issue for the past couple months which means that tells me this is not like you first started dating and then you demanded he

update his bio but over time you're you're you're I'm guessing correct me if I'm wrong you were like what what's going you know it just became a thing and then naturally you have felt insecure about it which I feel like you're being hard on yourself because like in 2026 I don't care if you were 22 or 72 if you were online and not sharing your life, it's, there's usually a reason, you know. Yeah. And I'm guessing you're trying to figure what that reason is.

Yeah, very much so. Like to add to that, and I'll get into details, but it took him a year and a half of me asking for him to just add me as a Facebook friend, which is like ridiculous. I feel ridiculous even asking these things. Yeah.

Like, how old is he? So adolescent, he's 40 this year. So he's like a Yeah If you were like I he's 63 And I'm like okay I will preface this by like he's not a So like a super active on social media

I will say that But does he have a Facebook? Yeah Does he have an Instagram? He does Okay Are they public or are they private? Yeah

One is public He says it's a business Instagram He has that little hobby he has What's that? wood, like woodworking. He only post woodworking? He's posted photos of like his dog and stuff like that. But on his Facebook, it's very, it's his like personal.

And he does have a personal Instagram. However, like during our two years of our Rocky Road, he did block me on that and never unblocked me. And he claims he doesn't use it. You're still blocked? Yes. And he claims he doesn't use it. I mean, you're blocked, but like you could easily.

have a friend or a fince to see how active it is. You haven't looked? My friend, she has looked. She hasn't tried to get in there too much, but she's seen that there's been like no posts or whatever. I don't want to, like, that's the thing with this. I have felt like this is consuming way too much of my energy. And like, I don't want to worry about these things.

But you are. I don't want to focus on them. Yeah, but you are. And I am. But it doesn't need to be this complicated. And you know that. And you feel crazy for caring about something that, like, you want to be like, this is so fucking stupid.

You know, because in a lot of ways, it is. But for whatever reason, he is putting up an unnecessary fight about things. And the question is why? The power dynamic seems to be in his court, you know. And the relationship kind of moves at his comfort level. Which is not moving at all. This is an issue. Oh, okay.

And how would you say that? Like, again, outside of social media, like, how do you feel about everything else? This is all more or less a cherry on top, and I've been hyper-focused on it. We've had other issues come up. I do have two kids. Okay. We do all live together. My kids like him.

That's a huge pro. And if they didn't, I wouldn't this decision and this. wouldn't be so difficult. He is a pretty big drinker. My big request from him was not to not quit drinking altogether. When I say big drinker, I mean like he will drink every day, but like that's not my lifestyle and not the lifestyle I'm learning I want for my children. Does it change his behavior to a degree that's noticeable? For me, yes. So I grew up with an alcoholic mother, which has been a bit of a struggle for me. And my big request from him was, just please, like, just refrain from drinking before I get home from work each day. That's all I ask.

And it'll last a few days and then it's out the window. And I can tell whether he's had one, two, or three drinks, even just on the phone. So that's been a huge frustration because I'm asking for the bare minimum. Yeah. And it's like his non-negotiable and the last time I brought it up, he basically is like, well, I'm an adult, I can do what I want.

That is true. Yeah. Well, I think that's a really, that sentence and that response is it feels like, and again, I know very little having talked to you, so you just tell me if I'm wrong,

but that seems to be the theme of your guys' relationship. He's an adult. He will, do what he wants. And your relationship revolves around that mindset he has for himself. So topic of our struggles lately has been a little bit of, you know, our last conversation I was outlining the reasons why I'm kind of unhappy in this relationship. And at what point does my happiness matter and what I want matter? I mean, I would say, like, always, you know,

It should. How old are your kids? Five and ten. Okay. Is their dad in the picture at all? Yes. Yeah. We're 50-50.

Okay. How aware of your boyfriend's drinking is their dad? Not. Okay. But I'm assuming, like, aside all that, like, it's not, it's just kind of making you uncomfortable because you can just, like, I'm guessing he, like you said, if he has a couple of drinks, you can tell he's, like, his motor skills are slowing. down. Yeah, it's just, it's an ick too. And I try to tell him that. And it doesn't change

anything. And for me, growing up, it was, you know, sometimes I'd come home from school, not knowing what I would get. And it's a trigger. It's a huge trigger. And I know that's kind of a problem I have that I need to deal with, but like, help me out here. I don't know. I don't, I don't know if you need to deal with it. Most icks are like pet peeves that we have to maybe work through, you know, like, yeah. when I trip and fall and my wife gets the ick you know like she might have to like

accept that about me that I can be a little clumsy I don't know if you have to accept this you're a mother of two you're 36 are you divorced or you separated yeah divorced okay so what at this stage in your life what are your relationship goals for yourself

I ask that a lot but I particularly am curious about it with you I would love someone that, you know, does want to prioritize my happiness and involves themselves a bit more in my children's lives. Okay. Showing up for sports activities and, you know, engaging with them. Someone that's not super selfish with their time. Okay. Yeah, a little bit of normalcy, someone that is proud of me and my kids.

Okay. And do you want more kids? Not at this point. It would depend on the person. So he doesn't have kids. He expressed that he wanted kids, but it's been a waste of four years here. And I don't feel like we're progressing or getting really anywhere. If you didn't have any more kids.

And how would you feel about that? Fine. Totally fine. Okay. Yeah. With summoning your shoes, I feel like you, maybe the best way to articulate this, I feel like you're not taking advantage of the situation you're in. And I don't know how you feel about your situation and when you like kind of just look at your life as a whole.

But I'm sitting here and thinking like, and maybe I'm wrong. This is my perspective. So like I could be like way off base. But I'm like this is this is a person like playing with house money so to speak. You know, like you are in a position unlike other people I get to talk to to be really, really picky with your happiness. and you don't seem to be taking advantage of that. And the only reason I say that is, you know, like you're 36, right? You know, you're like a lot of women or men, but specifically women,

because women have to deal with a biological clock if they want to have kids. If they are desiring to have kids or have more kids, there's like an inherent pressure. It's easy for me to say, oh, take it slow and don't stress and, you know, take a break from dating when you're stressed out or you know what he's not treating you right just leave even that can feel like well that's easy for you to say you know nick you know you're on the other side of things but like this inherent desire to settle down and get married and have kids is a real thing and and there is a window for some people especially women right but yeah you don't have that and like you've you've done the thing and like you know it sounds like you're open to the possibility if you meet the right guy

and yada, yada, yada, yada, but it sounds like you have two beautiful children and being a mom, you get to be the thing that many people desire to be and get profound purpose and meaning from, and you have that, you know, and so you are in this very unique position if you want to see it that way to be really selfish, not like selfish because you're only going to care about yourself in the way that your boyfriend kind of seems selfish, but you really can be selfish with your happiness and you can be patient. And I'm sure there will be lonely times in your life when, you know, when we don't have a partner and we want a partner that's, you know, like, we long for connection. And you might experience periods of that. But in the interim, you still have

your children to connect with. And, you know, it's not the same as a romantic partner or your friends or whatever. But you know what I'm saying? So like, I'm talking to you and being like, why is she putting up with this thing, you know, like, what's the thing that's keeping you from seeing it the way I see it? Because, like, so many people will, you know, whether it's artificial or not, will come up with these reasons to stay in bad situations because they don't want to start over or, you know, you've gone through a divorce, you've survived that, you know, that's a challenge. and at 36, you know, like, I don't know about you, but like at this stage of my life, then you're a little younger than me.

But your ability to survive these things and work through them, I'm assuming, gives you a sense of resiliency and confidence of like, I don't know, when I was younger and I got it broken up with or something happened. And if it happened for the first time, there was always like this fear of how do I get over this? You know, how do I get through this? because I never did. But once you start doing that,

there's a little bit of like, you know, I don't know, some shit's going to happen. I don't know. You realize that life throws you curveballs and you are less afraid of those curve balls and, you know, you know that you'll get through things. You seem like a wonderful person.

You seem like if you wanted to date other people, you would have some options if you wanted to. But what's the thing that's stopping you from taking advantage of the fact that like you can really you know you you you don't have anything there's no mental hurdle that's stopping you from being like i don't need to put up with this shit yeah i suppose it's that whole kind of like you kind of mentioned is that starting over feeling and you know he's made massive changes before um and i kind of have been kind of hoping and just lately i'm feeling like you know these he has non-negotiables and like what are mine essentially yeah

Yeah, that's a great question. And they're conflicting and am I going to be happy long term? And I'm just kind of, this has been all within the last, I want to say, like two months that I've been really drilling down. And I think it's resulted in me picking them apart a little bit, but not in the way that I'm being too nitpicky, but I am realizing these things that bother me and I'm voicing them. Yeah. And so instead of that being a positive in our relationship of, you know, good communication, it's, become conflict. You know, it's interesting because when I asked you what changed a couple years ago

when he started dating and you're like, I don't know, he just changed. I imagine you almost feel like that's a good thing. I didn't have to ask. I didn't have to give him an ultimatum. I almost see it as the opposite. Because again, it's more like the theme of the relationship. It was still on his terms. You know?

And so much of a relationship is the willingness to compromise and communicate and make sacrifices, not to the extent that these sacrifices you have to make in a relationship regularly hurt you or put you in a bad situation. But like the ability to make sacrifices because you know that a minor inconvenience may may really make your partner feel happy or, you know, supported. it feels like you have to fight in an order an amount of time to simply get him to support you, to make you feel supported.

It sounds like he spent a lot of time trying to get him to do the bare minimum. And then now it's like you're at this point where you're kind of gaslighting yourself into like, am I just fucking crazy? I'm like nitpicking. I'm like, I'm caring about social media. And it's just like he's not a bad. bad guy, you know, and it's just like, it's not about him being a bad guy or not. You know,

you are in a position to find a great guy. How's your co-parenting relationship with dad? For another episode. Okay. Yeah, no, it's, it's gotten better. It's taken a lot of work. Okay, well, that was kind of my point. So whatever it is, it sounds like it's gotten better, but that's taken work, right? Yeah. You're stuck, right? And you're trying to figure out how to get unstuck. And your hope is that he will change again. But one, I don't know when that's going to happen. I don't know if that's going to happen. And I don't think you want it to happen on his terms again. Because if that's the case, it will just bleed into some other aspect of your relationship. Right. Like this is a man who is set in his ways and is very comfortable saying no for stupid things.

you know, there's a good chance he's not doing anything nefarious when it comes to like not putting you on there. There's definitely a possibility. It's hard to say, you know, 50, 50, whatever. But, and I only say that because like if he is the type of guy who's just like comfortable saying no, because, because he wants to be in a control in a situation because he's really stubborn because like, you know, that's a problem. You know. And I did bring that up to him. I said, like, is this something? you genuinely just aren't comfortable doing or are you not wanting to do it because I'm asking you like or telling you that this would make me happy in which case is twisted you know I'm telling this would make me very happy and it's like over my dead body basically I imagine so much of your

mental energy and what dictates your happiness right now is this relationship with him. And because he says no so much, it's become this thing, maybe even subconsciously, where so much of your happiness is wrapped up in your ability to get him to compromise. And there's a part of you that feels like you've put in so much work in this relationship. You know, those two years were, you know, he wasn't your boyfriend and then became your boyfriend. But I think you are selling yourself in your life short by centering him in terms of that feeling you have. Again, you're discounting everything you've been through as a mom, as an ex-wife, as a co-parent, you know. You're not starting over.

And that's so cool about your position that I really, really, I hope, I hope, like, again, like, I don't want to tell you how to have, like, the perspective you're supposed to have, but there is nothing stopping you from the rest of your life. Yeah, I fear having regrets and I fear, you know, that typical fear of, you know, maybe he will do all of these things for somebody else. Well, that's ego. Yeah. Yeah. And the truth is, he's not he's not like i mean again like ironically you know maybe he would share her on social media right like there's definitely a possibility you end this relationship six months go by one of your girlfriends like that i'm fucking mad he's got a girlfriend and she fucking post him

and it could devastate you but that would be pure ego and that would be you really that would that would be on you Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I agree. Because the reality is, I would bet that he is he is who he is. And so he might post her on social media. I don't know, fine. But what he is is a very stubborn person who's very set in his ways and does what he wants. And if he chose to post her on social media, that would simply be because he wanted to. And it's not because he's proud of her, like, whatever.

It would just be like out of, I don't know, maybe despite. Honestly, if you really wanted to, you could. could allow yourself to be like he's he still cares what you think in a way that would allow you to like honestly if you wanted to you know manipulate your own ego in a way but you wouldn't be missing you know you know what I'm saying if you end this relationship I hope it's you end it because I don't know what you're getting out of this other than like frustration I'm sure again I'm sure he's not that worst guy I'm sure you guys have had happy moments and yada yada yada But like at 36 years age with two kids, you've, you have clearly lived a full enough life.

And again, like, there's just a lot of people that are nodding your position that I could say this to. Like if someone called, you know, man or woman, but especially a woman who was like, I desperately want to have kids someday. You know, and if she's 36, you know, and she's like, I froze my eggs and whatever. And I would still ultimately be like, listen, you can't force it. you're going to have to be patient and yada, yada, yada. And like, at the end of day, you still have to stick to your guns with your non-negotiables and don't sacrifice your own happiness. But that would be so much easy for me to say and harder for that person to implement.

Because, like, if that desire to be a parent is real, like, there are elements that, like, that are outside of people's control. And no one wants to have a child with, you know, someone who's difficult to co-parent with, as much as you want to be a parent. but for whatever, you know, your situation with your co-parent, it is what it is, that's the life you have and you have two wonderful kids, right? My grandma, back in like, you know, my grandfather left her for another woman, like in the 70s, you know, this is five kids. My whole life, she just, she's only dated rich men, you know, and they would die and she'd find someone else. She seemed

pretty happy, you know, and she had her five kids. I imagine so much of her life was through her kids. But like, you know, I guess he just lived life for herself, especially as adults. So much of the decisions we make for our own romantic life are not based off of our immediate needs, you know, because as because there's other things, there's other variables, the things that we want. I was in my mid-30s and I was single. There is this is like, will it ever happen for me? You know, it's like there is that feeling, you know, if you never get to that point, they're just like, I'm doing something wrong or I don't know. Yeah.

Yeah. But you don't, like, it's happened for you, you know? And now you really, you really get to be selfish. You really get to be like, the only thing I have to worry about when it comes to my romantic relationship is, am I happy? And if I'm not happy, I can move on. And how many loves have you had in your life? I want to say two.

I mean, my first love, that was a big part of my life. It was seven years. I mean, it was like, I had some. extraordinary highs and lows. And also, it is a distant memory. You know what I'm saying? It's like, I don't think about it. It's like, it's, I don't know who that person is anymore.

I don't know what's going on in their life. I wish them well, but there's no emotional attachment. And I only say that because like, you're old enough to know that you have seasons of your life. You know? So instead of thinking about starting over, you're just maybe closing a chapter of something that will just be a memory. Good memory, bad memory, but like when you think about your ex-husband, I mean, you're granting, you share kids. But you know what I'm saying? Like that, whatever, you know, do you look at it back and like, you know, I'm guessing you're glad that you're not in that anymore?

Yeah, I am. It was, we were together eight years. And, yeah, I am. glad, but there is aspects I miss. I think I'm struggling with this relationship. And I don't know, every relationship is different, of course, but I keep telling myself, like, I just want this to feel normal. Like, I feel, like you said, I'm constantly asking for the bare minimum. And I'm just at the point now where I'm asking why. The part of you that is afraid that he's going to do this, whatever this is, do the bare minimum with some other girl, if you say goodbye, is really your,

that's your hurdle. That's your issue. And because, you know, I don't know if you watch Summer House, but like that, that scandal that's happening right now and everyone's talking about it. But like, there is an element of like, you know, everyone's like Team Sierra and she's this beautiful person and seemingly like a lot going for her and we in and we all enjoyed watching her fall for this guy named west but like i've always been kind of watching it being like what do i like why is she bothering yeah like what i don't get it like is someone who has a big ego and like is is a competitive

person like you know i've been that person who just like i just need to be i need to figure this out you know and i just i need to figure it out you know but like at some point in our lives, we have to, it just doesn't do us any good. You know, I have seen him really show up for me. And, like, so I know he has it in him. That's the part that hurts you. Because you're internalizing, and I'm guessing, is this like, okay, he's capable of doing it. Yeah.

You know, it's a choice. He's making a choice. And you've seen him be able to do this. And so that part of you that, like, knows he's capable of doing it, your ego is it's like, well, he's not, he's choosing not to do it for you. And that's a reflection of you. There's something wrong with you. You need to make him do it because that will show you that you're worth it. Right. But I definitely, I would love for you to try. Like, that will be forever your biggest, like, I honestly think that that's going to stop you from being happy in your life.

Right. I agree. Yeah. When you put in that person. perspective. At some point, we actually have to ask ourselves what makes us happy. And we have to do the thing that makes us happy. Our brain prefers pain to boredom. It will choose pain over boredom. It will choose pain sometimes over contentment. Pain is exciting. It's a feeling. I think you are used to choosing pain over over over alternatives. And that, and you are, you, you, you sit in situations that aren't serving you. When it comes to your happiness, there's, there's nothing stopping you from really making sure that, like, the people you invest in deserve what you bring to the table. But for whatever reason, your ego, I feel like is stopping you from seeing it that way. Yeah, well, yeah, I haven't heard it from that perspective yet.

So something to think about for sure. Yeah. I've been, I feel like I've been focusing on kind of hyper focusing on these areas because maybe subconsciously, do you know that. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, like you're the one who's like when this call started, you feel silly caring about social media. It is silly.

But you're not, you're not crazy for feeling the way you're feeling. But he's the one being silly and forcing you to be like, what the fuck like why do you know why is this so difficult like but it's not it's not difficult he is choosing to be difficult and then you are getting wrapped up in the drama of his willingness incapable of just being this really stubborn difficult guy and it gets you activated it gets you charged up it gets you invested it makes you care and caring is a is caring we want to care about things, you know, but I would love for you to channel what you care about. And I really think the day you are able to control that side of your ego that gets you to do that, you're going to be

so much happier. Yeah. You know, when you prioritize, I don't think you prioritize your happiness as much as you would like to think. Yeah, I have a girlfriend that, well, bless her heart. She's so great, And I vent to her all the time. And she's said the same things. So I've been kind of lacking that male perspective, I guess. So it's hard. Starting over is hard. And if this ends, dating isn't going to be my priority.

It's going to be making sure my kids are happy. But when that time comes, yes, that's right. And when the time comes, dating is exhausting. Like there's so much of me that does not want to start over. And I think so much of me was like, I just want to work on this instead of, you know, getting myself back out there. I would love for you to be open to completely changing that perspective. Like, what do you mean starting over? When we started this, I thought that he would be, I thought that was it.

I thought we would be together. And this would have progressed a lot more. And so I guess more so like change of plans, I want to put it. as not so much starting over. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe people listening or thinking I'm putting too much weight on the fact that you already have kids and you don't want more kids. I mean, that's what I'm, I guess I'm trying to, like, instill in you.

It's just like, at 36, you are old enough to have, again, you've, you're 20, your early 20s must feel like a lifetime ago. Oh, yeah. Right? It's a different person. Yeah. You know, it was a, you had different friends and you were just different. Yeah.

And that's like a, and, and I imagine for the most part, good or bad memories from your 20s are, are mostly just like memories. Just probably good. Like even the, I always think like the bad ones are, like now it's just like, you know, when I think about some of those lows in my first relationship, I don't, it's not, it doesn't bring me pain. I kind of chuckle, you know. Yeah. No, yeah. Yeah.

And you're only 36, and let's assume you have a, you live a full life and you live to your 90. I mean, certainly, like, we all want to be able to like, oh, I want that great love. But you're only 36. And so, like, this starting over mentality, I just feel like really limits you to finding what it feels like you really want, which is to find, someone you can really enjoy life with. Yeah.

I don't think you want a relationship that constantly, you know, that brings you a burden that you can, you know, stress about life with. I don't, you know, it's just like, and so, yeah, dating can suck. But so much of your life is not starting over. The version of you who, like, doesn't have kids has never been divorced, like never been married.

So they don't know what that's like. they don't have any perspective about marriage or divorce or anything like that, that you have in good or bad. Like this life experience that you have, like, it's information. It allows you, it should allow you to see life a little bit less black and white, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Right. And so for the person who's, you know, in a similar situation than you who desperately, you know,

he's like, who's always wanted to have children and hasn't had that yet, that starting over field can feel more real because it's like, It is centered around. I got to find someone not only that I enjoy, but they have to want to have kids. They have to want to do all these things. And someone could be dating someone who doesn't make them happy, but does ultimately, you know, it's like, then that can feel a little heavier.

You just need to want someone who shows up for you, who is excited about being with you, who is excited about doing things for you, you know? Right. Yeah. Who, like, from time to time when you're like, hey, I need some help, they, you know, I still like, yeah, sometimes me and Nali get a frustrated with each other and sometimes, whatever, but like I, I still jump up when she needs something, you know, even if she's not

like I, I, you know, the part of me that my love language is acts of service, you know, I, I enjoy doing that for my, like, he doesn't enjoy making you happy, it sounds like he kind of seems to get off on getting, you know, making you frustrated. Mm-hmm. Yeah, like I said, he has shown up for me huge, and so I know he has it in him. These main things that have been frustrations for me, I don't know why it's, you know, he's so stubborn and they're non-negotiables for him. So I guess I'm trying to figure out, are these mine non-negotiables? Is this, if he doesn't budge on some of these things, am I finishing this?

like how how flexible am I willing to be? I think you sound incredibly flexible already, too flexible. Yeah. To the point where, again, like, social media might be stupid, but social media isn't your problem. Your problem is this is a guy who seems to be incredibly stubborn and very comfortable saying no for the sake of saying no. And even if he is trustworthy and faithful,

he is incredibly disruptive to the, again, like his priority isn't your happiness. It almost seems to be the opposite. You don't have someone that you can count on on a regular basis. And the fact that he has shown up a couple times and you can point to some moments where you're like, yeah, but he did this. And in that one moment was super helpful to me. And that one moment made me happy. But he did it for himself.

You're spending a lot of energy, you know, again like trying to fight for the bare minimum you know what does that look like if you start over yeah you the him moving out would be awkward and challenging and difficult it's his house okay you moving out would be a pain in the ass so yeah like there is that you know but like I guess from a financial standpoint or is this something that's doable for you like or is there an element yeah I mean obviously life is expensive it would be a struggle but I manage like there's been point in the last few months where, you know, he's, he has told me to leave, like, arguments have gotten very heated. And I have looked at places. Like, it has been very,

very close to happening. And so it just kind of put me in that reality of like, this, this very well may happen soon. So I've been preparing myself. Okay. As best I could, so financially. Yeah, it's, I always make it work. It's, it's fine. Um, I think, just for me, like my kids are a huge priority. So I'm just making it as minimally hard on them would be my main priority. And they'll get through, but again, like, this is a guy who you have to negotiate his drinking, which is like already uncomfortable and it doesn't seem like now it's not a big problem, but it's like it's, when kids are evolved, it gets a little weirder and nickier.

I want you to try as much as you can every time you in your head think, I don't want to start over. I don't want to start over. I want you to try to say, stop it. And then I want you to start thinking about like a life of, you know, a faceless person. But the idea that like at 40 years old, you're going to meet someone who makes you just incredibly happy, you know, and shows up for you. and is a really solid person that your kids will get to know. Whatever your wildest relationship dreams are at this stage of your life, that you can have that.

And there may be some periods, but like, but doesn't that sound great, you know, you're old enough to know that 40 isn't that far away. Life comes fast. And wouldn't you rather, like, in the next four years, be a great mom, be content. Yeah, you might feel lonely. You might go on some bad dates.

There might be frustrations in that period of time. But like, whatever. But there won't be like extreme sadness. Because like right now you're experiencing extreme sadness at times. When you have to like fight for the stupid things like social media and he says no, it's so defeating, I imagine, at times to just feel crazy to ask for bare minimum stuff and not get it. And certainly when you're lonely from. times being single, that does moments of sadness, but not extreme sadness, not the type of

sadness where you feel like what is wrong with me or what is wrong with my relationship or why can't someone just do this for me? And I would love for you to like fantasize and know that if you allow yourself to have it, it will happen. You just don't know the win. But you know that like whether it's at 37, 38, 39, or 43, it's going to happen someday. And in the interim, you have a lot of things in your life to keep you preoccupied, people who need you, you're not going to get what you want until you expect it for yourself until it becomes your bare minimum. And you have been really good. He has gotten you really good at getting to accept less than what you deserve. And until you change that, it's going to be hard for you to get it. But like, I think you can change that.

But like you, you really have to know that you deserve it. And it starts with you stopping the, I got to start over. Because you're not going to. to start over. You know, things will change for sure. But it, yeah, all that's, you're just, you're getting rid of something that doesn't make you happy in the pursuit of something that does. And that's not starting over. That's a refresh. I have been feeling more like that as time has gone on like this is, maybe this is what's going to be best and maybe, yeah, I will be happier. And looking at places a while ago, it was like, oh, this would actually maybe be really nice. So this is where I'm like, how hard am I willing to fight for this?

I want you to focus on for the short period of like how unhappy you are in this situation and how much energy you are putting into fighting these battles and what you could do with that energy if you choose to say it's no longer my problem. Right. I just want you to expect more for yourself. You deserve, like you, you could have anything you want in your life. You have nothing else that's stopping you. you from saying, you know, when it comes in my romantic life, I get to be really picky now.

You made your sacrifices already. You married the wrong guy. You had a, you know, like, it didn't work out for you in terms of like, hey, having kids with someone that, you know, it's fine, you know. But you've, you've done that. Like, you've, now it's, you get the opportunity to, like, really be selfish. And I want you to take advantage of that as much as possible. And if it doesn't happen to your 45, you'll be glad that you waited till you're 45. because you will have fun in between. You will. Yeah.

And focus on the fun. Like there are fun aspects of being single and there are fun aspects of dating. And wouldn't you rather be a single mom to be a free agent than spending a whole weekend being sad about a guy who's just deciding to be stubborn for no fucking reason? Yeah. No.

Yeah. You're right. You know? Like not, you know, having a bad date is annoying, but it's still a good story. I would take a bad date with a stranger over feeling really, really sad over someone who this defiantly wants to not make you happy. Yeah.

It's wild. Yeah. Hearing it from you. Yeah. I've been hearing it in my head too long, so hearing it back. Yeah. A little bit more reassuring, I suppose. You have so much freedom and you really, like, it's, there is nothing holding you back.

And I want you to bring that energy rather than, oh, I don't want to start off. I want you to feel like you're sitting on a lottery ticket you haven't cashed in yet. That's a good one. Yeah. You know. Yeah. And a lot of people just don't have the flexibility and freedom to make certain choices because like there's other variables in their life they want and they feel like, oh, that's, I can't

be this selfish because I want this thing. And there's no major life thing that you have, you know, it's like all you want is happiness. Yeah. Yeah. So go be happy. Prioritize you. Thank you. Thank you. If you're not in therapy, I would encourage you to find someone that helps you through this period because the part of you that is not good at letting yourself be happy, I think is something you need to work on and it might take some time. and this friend that you have that you referred to, I would, you know, sounds like a blessing, but like be open to like receiving some tough love from her.

But I do think a good therapist will help guide you through this because there is something that's stopping you from allowing to embrace this freedom that you have and you are good at sitting in pain. Thank you. Yeah, you're absolutely right. Yeah, thank you for that. And I will. I send something that's been on the list to do for myself for a long time is that therapy

and just haven't yet. All right. Well, I encourage you to try. Your happiness is awaiting you and the only thing that's stopping you is you. And it's, you're not going to get it from him. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah.

I needed to hear that. All right. I appreciate it. Good luck. Keep us posted. I'd love to know how things work out. Yeah. Okay.

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I'm Haley, I'm 32, and my lease ends next month. I'm hoping to move in with my boyfriend. And when I talk to him about it, he avoids the conversation. Okay. Holling have been dating? Eight months right now, and then it'll be nine months when my lease ends. Okay. Why do you want to move in with him?

So I want to move in with him because it's going really great. I've had a really good time with him. And I am excited to take that next step. I think it would work. Okay. How old is he? He's 35. Okay.

What's his reason? Does he give you a reason why he's uncomfortable or is just trying to avoid the, do you not know? Yeah. He says a few things. We've had variations of this conversation a few times. He says nine months feels too soon. He's also in the process of buying a house. So he said, why don't you wait until I buy a house?

so you can move and then. Does that feel more honest or like a long-term excuse? Like, is he actually in the process of buying a house? He is, but he goes back and forth. Some days he gets really close to putting in an offer in, and then he goes, I don't need to rush this. Why am I? So it's back and forth.

Have either you ever lived with anyone before? I have. And he has to. And how did that go? For me, it did not go well. It was a toxic relationship, but I should have not have moved in with him. Why did you move in with him?

Because my roommate at the time was moving out. And he pushed me like, oh, I should move in. Your roommate's moving out. How much of this decision? I mean, no doubt sounds like, you know, going well. You're excited. You know, why wouldn't I want to live with my boyfriend? I imagine there's that energy.

Is there any part of you is just like, well, would be like, the alternative is I'm going to live with myself. And that's going to, I'm going to spend more money. and I'm also going to spend more money and less time there because I'm going to spend a lot of time with him and that just seems really impractical. How much of that is weighing on your mind? Honestly, not at all. I have a roommate, so my rent's pretty affordable.

You might hate this answer. But I strongly believe that there's only two to three reasons why people should move in together. And the first two are kind of like, you're married and or engaged. You know, that's one and two. So like there's you, there is an actual commitment.

You know, we are, we're in it. You know, we're together. And then the other, the only other option is both people are equally excited to do it. Yeah. It doesn't make you wrong for wanting to move in with him.

Yeah. It's only been eight months, but whatever. You're like, I like you. I'm excited. I see a lot of future with you. I want to spend most of my time with you. It also doesn't make him wrong that he's like, I don't know. You've already lived with someone.

Yeah. And it didn't work out. And you have the benefit of hindsight now to look back and reflect in that relationship and been like, yeah, I mean, didn't need to do that. If you're married, of course, yeah, it'd be weird if you're not living. together. If you're engaged, like, you know, you don't have to live with each other because, like, you know, you can save that for the marriage part, but there is a, there's a clear commitment in this relationship. You know, you guys have only been dating for eight months. You know, you still have

things to learn about each other. You know, there, don't, don't discount that. And I know there's an excitement to want to move things forward, but moving in together won't benefit the relationship one bit by itself. And that's why I say two people have to be mutually excited because it can be a great thing. It can be a lot of fun, but you know how it can, you've experienced the other side.

Yeah. And you want to move in with someone that like, it just feels good. It feels fun. It feels like this is what we both want. So the first person I ever moved in with, we broke up. And I remembered,

You know, I'd never done that before, so that was just a big moment. I was like, holy shit, I'm actually living with someone before, you know, we got engaged quickly, and then subsequently broke up quickly after that. And then my next relationship, I felt really good about, you know. I was just like, that moving and thing that didn't work. I don't know. Like, that did not go well. So I definitely had some baggage.

And she really wanted to move in. And I put my foot down the first year. And I think we were probably dating around six or seven months. She really, but we fought. We fought hard. She fought hard. And I was like, I know, I know, I'm not doing this again, you know. Like we just, I don't want to play house.

I don't like, we're not engaged. Like, we're still dating. And then another year went by. And I still said no. Because like another year went by, but I was just more like, yeah, we're not engaged yet, you know. In fact, we're probably fighting a little bit more and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I am just not, I'm not moving. in with you just because you want to and it would be more convenient, you know, and then we fought

hard, hard. Ultimately, I still said no and she was like, well, fine, I'm just going to stay your place full time. And she was kind of stubborn. Anyways, I think back in that relationship and we didn't work out at all, but at the time, my not wanting to move in with her had absolutely nothing to do with me being like kind of one foot out the door at all. I mean, I mean, I mean, I was, I was locked in so much. I was willing to fight with her about it, you know? Like, it was exhausting. I was frustrated, but like, I just, it was like, in my mind, I was like,

either we're going to get married or we're not. And if we get married, we have the rest of our lives to live together. And if we get married, I don't ever want to get divorced, you know. But if we don't, like, this isn't going to, this isn't going to do anything for us. I just, my first thought is, is I don't want to be strung along. But again, that's where I think, and that's why I want to tell you the story, because I really don't think, how old is he? He's 35, I'm 32.

Okay. Why do you feel like he's stringing you along? Because when I ask, like, I get nine months feels too soon, what feels better for you? Like, what does it look like moving in with your partner? He can't answer it. He says he doesn't want to put a time on it. he wants it to happen naturally. And he just says like non-committal vague things, which is frustrating.

Yeah, I hear you. But it has only been nine months. Yeah. And you are old enough to know that you can feel one way after nine months and you can change your mind. Definitely. Other than that, that insecurity that you have of reading into why he doesn't want to move in with you, sounds like everything else is pretty good.

Yeah, pretty good The fact that he seems serious enough about buying a house, just practically speaking, it doesn't make sense for you guys to get a lease together. I will say this. Like, I don't know what kind of house he's buying, but I bought my first house,

like when Natalie and I started dating. And it wasn't that big of a house, but compared to where I was living, you know, it was like a house. Like, I had never had a house before. And I just remember,

being like, I, like, what am I doing? It made me want Natalie because I was like, I needed to fill, I wanted a woman's touch. I needed to fill out this house. And so this guy is serious about buying a house. I get, there's a strong chance pass the billy. Once he buys a house, he's going to want you there more, you know, even if it's like unofficial. That house will feel pretty lonely as a single bachelor.

Yeah, and he alludes to that as well. Then my thought is, I'm supposed to just move in when he's ready. That doesn't feel good either. Well, you want to, you want them to not be ready? No, I just want it to be more mutual, like you said, like both equally excited. I guess that's just happening at different times. I hear you, but can you at least recognize that nine months is still early in a relationship? Yeah, obviously, yeah, it's early.

I would love for you to try to challenge yourself to not see it the way you are internalizing it. Yeah. And I understand that can be scary. I get it. but like your relationship with this guy is going to work out because of you guys build trust, you build communication. You can't guarantee how he is going to feel about you in a year. You can't guarantee that he's not going to break your heart or disappoint you.

You can't guarantee that to him either. All you guys can do is keep working on like showing up for each other and working through, you know, these kind of things. And listen, there's a time and a place to hold them accountable. Or being like, yo, it's like, you know, there's people who've been dating people for five years without any progress. It's been nine months. If he buys a house, you know, and a year goes by and he's still like not, then, then, you know, I would get a little antsy. And yeah, you're 32, right?

Yeah. So do you want to have kids? Of course. Okay. and I imagine that's probably weighing on your head of this creating some urgency you're still pretty young and you have a good thing going on with this guy so try your best not to let things like you know I am at you know biological you know just like you're just the urgency around like I need I need to make this work and if it doesn't work at 30 you know you've never been this old so it feels old

you know yeah um and I imagine when you were 21 uh you You thought at 32 you would already have whatever you want. You imagine you already thought you would have it. Yeah. That is what's playing a role and why you want this so bad. None of it is going to help this relationship, you know, adding unnecessary pressure and just wanting it because, like, hey, I want, it's like, because, you know, you've, you want him to do it because you, you've decided it will make you feel more secure today.

Yeah, like commitment, more commitment. You know that you can move in with them and you can still break up. Yeah. So it's not that hard to find a new apartment and hire a moving company. So what added security are you getting by convincing him to move in with you? I guess none. The other piece that I think of is when you live with someone, you can find out pretty quickly if it has more compatibility. So.

Yeah, but that, do you really think, I'm imagining you spend a lot of time with him, you sleep at his house, sleeps at yours, you're going to spend plenty of time with him. Again, I think that is something like this, this, this discussion between your boyfriend is a, is a tale of all his time and many people have had it. Yeah. And so all your talking points, I don't, I would disagree. I don't think there's any insight you're going to get from moving in with him. that you can't get by having your own place

and still like spending three or four nights a week there. You know, whatever weird habits he has or, you know, icks or whatever that you both have, you guys will fully be able to learn that about each other while dating. Okay, I can accept that. And yeah, like relationships are scary. And, but like, yeah, it's,

there are just a lot of other things that you can focus your energy on to give you the security that you need. It's just, you know, when it comes your relationship, moving in, making someone move in with you that isn't fully ready is definitely not the way. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to live with a guy who's kind of like, you know,

and again, it sounds like he really likes you. And I, like, again, the reason I told you that story is because when I was having these fights with that girlfriend, I fully thought I was going to end up with her. Big part of the reason we didn't end up together because I never felt like when she wanted something, she was in a get-it-come-comhella-high water. That made me uncomfortable. You know, it made me uncomfortable that there was no reasoning, that it was just like, you know,

and that honestly played a role in. Like, it was the opposite. It had the opposite effect that she thought it was going to have. It is a false flag, so to speak, of, is it a false sense of security to, to get someone to agree to move in with you before they're ready and before you're engaged. I honestly, I think it would go a long way if you're just like, hey, I've been thinking about it. Obviously, I want to move in with you, but like, I totally get it. I honestly, I think I was just, I'm just, I really like you and I just, I think I was, I was

putting unnecessary pressure on what it meant to move in. but like I guess I just I care more about us just like progressing our connection and and having be able to work through these issues. I think that will go a long way. If he buys this house and I don't think he has to ask you to move in right away, but a year goes by and it's still dragging his feet on engagement talk or moving in, then okay, then maybe then it would be fair to be like, well, what's next for us, you know? Yeah.

But it's eight months in. What's next for you is you guys still have a lot to learn about each other. You know, so be open to that. And let him buy a house. And then when he buys a house, instead of immediately to, you know, like when do I get to move in, without taking over, try to add value, you know, bring the, you know, Help him. Help him make his new house feel like a home. No, don't be pushy. Don't take over. Yeah. But help him. And that help, like, when I bought my place, the way Natalie, like, you know, it's like it's one thing to have an apartment and being your mid-30s and be like, I, yeah, this, this feels like a guy lives here as is a bachelor pad, you know, and to have that awareness. But like, you know, you buy a house and it feels kind of.

like you almost give yourself the ick to be like okay i'm an adult i have a house it should feel like a home and nally made it feel like a home and it was just so nice to have a woman's touch you know it was just what you don't want to do is like don't take that that opportunity away from both of you because you've you you you grinded him down into saying yes because he didn't want to fight with you anymore. Yeah. And at this stage of your relationships, his reasons are valid. Okay.

Well, that's good. They don't, I don't think they're excuses. Is this helpful? Yeah, it was. Okay. I'm super open. I'm definitely not going to pressure him to live with, live, like live together. So I appreciate the perspective and I can see it.

I'm not really on one side or the other. Like, I can see your side. Yeah. I don't say I think you're just probably in your head a little bit, you know. Probably, yeah. You know, you like a guy, you're 32, you're maybe in your head about like not being where you thought you would be early in your life, whatever, and you're just getting a little antsy and want to just,

you want to know that this is going to be it. And I think there's that part of you that says, okay, well, let's see if he wants to move in with me. Because that will make me feel more secure if he does. And I think that's a mistake on your part. Okay, I can accept that. doesn't tell you anything. It just adds unnecessary stress

if one of those people feels a little uncomfortable about the timing. And instead of thinking this way, just remember, there are people out there who have been hanging out for eight months and he won't even be like, he won't even call him a boyfriend. He's like, you know, so you got that going.

Like, you're doing okay. You're doing okay. Okay. Take a beat. I would, and find a way to communicate this to him that makes him feel like you guys came to this decision together and you appreciate the,

perspective and obviously you're still excited about the day that you guys do mimic with each other but like you you acknowledge the points he's making yeah I can do that and you don't always have to concede that but like to whatever degree that um he appreciates being heard let him know that you heard him okay I can do that and then you know if a year goes by and you still you know like we then we can we can talk through it then and maybe maybe things will change but right now just enjoy having a nice solid relationship after eight months with a lot of possibilities. All right. Okay.

We'll do that. Thank you. All right. Take care. I appreciate you. You too. Thank you. All right.

All right. Bye, bye, how's it going? I'm good. My name is Charlie and I'm 30. I got dumped after agreeing to a lease extension and I'm just kind of wondering who gets the dogs, how much kind of common courtesy do I give to this? individual before I up and leave or should he leave kind of all over the place. I love that you say you got dumped.

That's what my first girlfriend in the sixth grade said to me. Is that weird? I guess, yeah, I got broken up with. It's fine. No, I'm just giving you a hard time. No, I like it. You're just like, you know, you sound angry, which is okay. There's a lot going on outside of that.

So I feel like it's just his timing is. So I lost my anxiety. two weeks ago. And then that's okay, sorry. And then my estranged dad, alcoholic dad, actually had a trip planned for last week as well. So it's been a lot. So, and then in the middle of all of that. You're a strange dad? What? I didn't quite follow. Had a trip to come see me. Yeah. I haven't seen him in five years. And that was also in the middle of all this. So just a lot of emotions. Oh, sure, sure.

But that still happened or was happening? Yes. How'd that go? Still came surprisingly well. I'm taking it as a sign that I don't have bandwidth really for anything else right now. But I thought I'd have that support system and I did not. Why did you guys break up? So we've had intimacy issues, I would say, for like the past year.

I don't want to be TMI, but he has a massive, he's well-indexed. out. So that has created some issues. It hurts. I bleed X, Y, and Z. So I try to do all these things to figure out how we can kind of combat that because, you know, I love him. And this is a relationship I want to be in. So I feel like it just kind of came to a head for him. And I was unaware of how dire of an issue that is or was for him. And I feel like that just kind of. That just kind of kind of added up. And then he also has fallen into a depression, I'd say the last six months. And so I feel like everything for him is just heightened. And I feel like he's just pointing finger at the intimacy thing. And the breakup kind of came out of nowhere. Obviously, if we renewed

our lease. Okay. You sound like you're hopeful to possibly reconcile? We haven't discussed, but I don't think I want to. You don't think you want to. Okay. But I feel guilty saying that. Why? Because he's a good person and it's the best relationship I've been in. But sorry, I hate crying. But the kind of what I've dealt with, the last six months with him, like, he's not my person and there's just not, like, he didn't check on me at the funeral.

He didn't ask how I was doing when she actually passed, all that kind of stuff. So to me, that's not my person. So, and then I'm just thinking big picture, long-term, different things. I don't think we're compatible at the end of the day, and I don't think we can give each other the love the other person needs. Okay. Well, I know you're sad about saying that, but this is, like, great news. Okay.

I'll take that as a win. I mean, like, you have some clarity. Yeah. You know, you have some clarity in a situation where a lot of people would struggle to have that clarity. Well, for one, he ended the relationship and it surprised you. And a lot of people in that position being rejected, regardless of the situation, would focus on the rejection part and just have to get back. And the fact that you have some clarity is very telling. Okay. I think. Okay. That's good. Him ending the relationship at a time that feels really inconvenient.

for you makes you feel alone right after you signed Elise and it feels like it came out of nowhere and yet you're kind of like honestly you know is is really tell I think it's really telling I think it's true yeah I mean it obviously took me there was a little back and forth and then once he finally did it I was like okay I've kind of I've done everything I can do so I feel like I can walk away, knowing I tried everything and I was making an effort, especially with the intimacy stuff. I'm waning myself off a medication that impacts my libido. I'm going to therapy. I booked a boudoir shoot. Like, I'm in a libido class, like all these different things. In regards to that, I've done what I've needed to do. So I feel like maybe that's why I have a little bit of that

clarity. Just like curious, like the libido class and things like that, what's that or originating from? Like to me, right now sex is like not even a thought like I don't even want. It's just never a thought. So I feel like him telling me, okay, if we don't work on this, like his essential thing was, okay, I would like to work on this with you. I love you. Let's extend the lease. And that will be our timeline to work on things. Okay, cool. So I did, I signed up for all of these things. And then two weeks later, he broke up with me. And just had to curiosity, is it like, you're not to TMI and at your comfort level, but it sounds like sex with him. is incredibly painful. Which, you know, makes sense why it's difficult for you. But are you saying that like in the interim, is it a lack of a desire of thinking about sex in general or just like having intimate moments with yourself or whatever? Or is it just like sex with him hurts so I don't want to have sex?

I think that's going on in the back of my. mind, but to me, it's not even a thought, like, I don't even want to masturbate, like, nothing. Okay. Because I'm assuming because of my antidepressants and all that, it's just not. Okay. Oh, okay. But it's not a him thing. And that's, I try to explain to him.

But as a partner that obviously has, how do you feel like it's not you? So I get where he's coming from. Sure. But it's not a him thing. So there are some, you're, you're taking some medication where the side effects are known to lower your libido. And he, yes, and he and I discussed that before. He was a huge advocate for me going on them.

I was against it in the beginning. So that's also frustrating. Why was he a huge advocate for you to go on them? I was in a very, very toxic job to wear it was getting a little dark for me. And I needed to help myself. And that was the next step since I do suffer from anxiety and depression. Getting on those did help me a lot. But it was scary for me because I know side effects and this and that.

but he was very gentle, if this is something you want to do, all these things. So it is a little frustrating that now it's being used against me. When we discuss, this is a potential from the medicine. Are you still in that job? No, I left in October. I had to go. What was the job out of curiosity? I'm a bartender in Nashville.

Okay. There's a lot of not good things going on, and I didn't want to be a part of it anymore. Good for you for getting out. Oh, yes, thank you. And what are you doing now? I bartends still. I'm trying to get into something else, but I'm out of a local bar that's night and day. Okay. You feel good, at least where you're at. So much better. I've created a routine.

Is that something you want to do forever or you want to do other things? Okay. I did take a course in sales earlier this year, so I am actively applying for that, again, to build our future, trying to build wealth and all these things. And we, six months ago, we're, saving for a house. So I'm just trying to better my future. Obviously, I'm getting older since I'm 30. I know I'm not old, but I am aging out of the industry. And I don't want to have kids and come home at 3 in the morning. So I am trying to figure out a new career path for me. Well, the good news is, is like, you know, bartending and waiting tables is a great side hustle. And you can make some good money from it, as you know. Sales makes a lot of sense because, you know, there's waiting.

It's a sales job in a way. Yeah. And, you know, just a heads up, you know, depending on what you're looking for sales-wise, you may have to like be willing to grind and prove yourself in an industry, but you do have this part, you know, you can make some extra cash bartending. So there could be a period of time. where you're capable of doing both, which is all to say you might have less personal time

for a short period of time. Yes. What a perfect time to be single. Exactly. Well, back to your immediate question. Like, who owns the dogs? He came into the relationship with one and then we got one together.

But the one he came into the relationship with, he got with an ex-girlfriend who she was the one that pushed for the dog. And they broke up a month after getting the dog. she pushed him and the dog out, so he gained the dog through that. Does he want the dogs or dog? Do you know what he wants? Right after we had the initial conversation, I said, well, what are we going to do with the dogs?

And he said, I don't think we should separate them in the moment I agreed. And then he said, well, do you want them? And I said, yes. And he's like, okay, well, you can have them. And I feel like he's just rolling over because he's the one that did it, which I'm okay with. But I feel guilty. Do we separate them? do like the one we got together favors him the one he came into the relationship with favors me do we do a clean cut

but that's technically his i don't know it's messy i think of it's not as much honestly it could be a lot messier from what you're telling me i mean won it sounds like he's offering the opportunity for you to have the dogs but i feel like an asshole just being like i'm taking the dog well you're not saying that he's literally giving you the out my my opinion and this is just an opinion to me the absolute thing that can't happen

is like some weird joint custody bullshit and I yes like we have two dogs and we got Steve

to be a companion for Jeff with River and they clearly you know are with each other but they were they are dogs and they will be okay. You can take them the dog part,

but what you can't do is use the dogs is an excuse for you guys to have to see each other for the dogs. I mean, I agree. The rest will work itself out. Yeah, I don't want to do custody.

I've seen people do it online. It doesn't work out. I think it's icky. It's weird. They're not real kids. Yeah, we're not together. I don't want to see you. I don't want to see.

God forbid, when you meet someone else, and it's just like we got a dog. It's like, you know, like, I love my dogs, you know, but like I, if you're listening, you're doing that, God bless you, but it's, I don't, it's not, I don't. It's a real nightmare in terms of individuals trying to move forward with their lives. I needed you to tell me their dogs and they'll be fine because I feel guilty. One, I feel like he's going to have no one if I take both. I feel guilty if I separate them.

Are they bonded? Are they this or that? I don't know. I think they'll recover at the end of the day. They're dogs. That'd be okay. Is it rude if I take the one that he came into the relationship with? You know, before you told me that he offered, I mean, the clean, you know, keep the dog.

That's your dog and he can take his dog. Okay. If he's offering you to have both dogs, I think you'd just say, first of all, thank you. I mean, if that's what you want, if you would prefer to keep both dogs, be like, you know, thanks. but like I do think he needs to like I need you to just agree like this like do you really want this and I need you to decide sooner than later because like once we decide I'm there's no going back and I think you just need to make that clear there's no like I changed my mind quite frankly he should probably sign something honestly yeah because they're both under him so I need to also

get that fixed because I don't want there to be a contentious. Yeah, I don't know. Like, ultimately, like, you know, I don't think there's, I don't know how that works. I'm guessing just, honestly, just a piece of paper saying I give her ownership of these dogs and you both sign it. Okay. I like that. You probably just have someone witness. And again, like, I don't know about you, how petty he is.

And I don't know how much that would stand up in the court of law or whatever. but like it might just be enough to like just stop him from I don't know having a moment of messiness if he changes his mind. I agree. I just can't tell the level he's a very nice person. So are you being nice? I don't want to take advantage of his niceness in the breakup. But it's also not my responsibility to feel bad for him. Correct. But you know, the middle ground is to say thank you. I would like that. But think about it for 20. 24 hours. Like I'm definitely taking max. But if if if if if if if spark is your dog, it's you have the right to keep them and the dogs will be okay. But I need you to side because like once we like I just like I want this. I don't want this to be messy. I want us, you know, and like you probably should sign,

you know, but like I don't like in a month you don't get to ask for him back. Yeah. Okay. I like that. And so that way you're giving him a chance to think about it. You're giving him an out. You're checking in. But like you just, you know, once a decision's made, you just, you know, you have a right to put your foot down. To me, that's the middle ground. What about the apartment? So we have a two bedroom.

Everything that is mine has been moved into the master. He is now in the guest room. So everything is separate, which has been super nice. Definitely was sad to see everything will look different. So it just feels like a roommate situation. but I don't know, do I have to save the duration of the lease? Like, do I, I've never lived with a partner before. I've never been broken up with living with a partner before.

So I don't really know how to navigate. I don't want to leave him hind dry. I don't want to be here anymore. I just don't want to know what you're doing or you come home. Like, I don't, you don't have access to that. You both just have to figure it out. And it's not as complicated as it might feel or you want to believe it is. You know, you're in your.

closet now, by the looks of it, it's some kind of like modern apartment complex, blah, blah, blah, blah, that's run by some kind of major apartment management company. They have definitely leased to couples who have broken up. My guess is if you guys just break the lease, there's probably some kind of two-month fee or fine or I don't know. It will cost you guys, but I don't think it will be unaffordable. It will just be annoying. Should I have to pay? No, you should split it. you think I should still have to pay even though I didn't. If you, I'm saying, option one is you guys break the lease and you both move out. Okay.

If there, whatever that cost in terms of penalties, because there will be a penalty. And my guess it's like, I think it's like. I think it's like, I don't think it's like you have to rent for the rest of your lease. I don't think it. I think you can give them notice and say, hey, we need to move out and need to break our lease. And they might like, and they have to like, they have to look for. a replacement and I think it might cost you a couple months of rent but look into it I don't know the answers but look into it there's definitely a clear answer and you might have to push

back and there might be like renters have a lot more rights than than leasers but look into it it's going to cost you I imagine it won't be outrageous but even if it is then you know can you afford it by yourself yes but I don't want to stay and have the memories I guess I get it but you can get over it that's fair you can change it up yeah that's true i've done it it it's like you get over it i don't know you just get over it but do you think if we do break it i should still have to pay a portion even though i'm not the one that you you you signed a lease together you both made this you made a decision together assuming there was risk you weren't married he ended the relationship by the way you're kind of happy he did like this is not the

time like what you want is to make this as easy as possible for the both of you and just figure it out you have a sense of like i don't want like i don't want to take advantage of them i just want to do this right so just as much as it makes sense you just you share the responsibility of this breakup together if if you felt very differently then you know there's a world where i would still think that would probably be the right way to do but emotionally i would empathize that might be hard for you to wrap your brain around. You know, it's just like, hey, I didn't think I, I don't want this. And why do I should be, why should I split?

You know, I don't want this. But like you, you're okay with this. So just right now, this is about like getting through this period of time as smooth as possible. And just so that you both can be okay. Okay. So you just need to sit down and be like, listen, let's just figure this out. And let's just make this easy on each other. and then you bring up the dogs and you give them a chance to think about it.

And then you just draw, like, we should just, I want to make this as easy as possible on both of us. So like, what do you want to do? Do you want to stay here? I would rather not stay here. I'm capable of staying here. You know, let's find out how much it would cost us to break. You know, if he's like, I would rather stay here, I want to stay here. You can be like, great.

Then you keep the place. I'll find a new one. I let's just, I need you to sign over, you know, like, I need you to take forward, you know, the lease. Again, you're definitely not the first couple to rent an apartment to break up. No. So, yeah, I just think you try to be as civil as possible, but act fast. Stop, you know, don't do the thing that seems like you're kind of doing where you guys are just kind of living in this limbo because it just feels too difficult to deal with right now

and you don't know, like, you know what's going to cost you to break the lease. And you know, it's just like, and you might have to split up the dog, you know, just get it done with. You need to rip off the bandaid because it's uncomfortable. Yeah. Do you think he's going to change his mind when you start acting kind of okay with this? I do think so because I haven't shown him that I'm okay with it. The only thing he's seen or heard have been like the breakdowns and stuff,

which obviously with everything going on and the loss, that's going to happen. But I do think he doesn't like feel the breakup yet. He hasn't had to buy any of his own basic things yet. He hasn't had to buy food yet. Like I overstocked right before this happened. So I feel like when the dust settles, he's alone. He will try to maybe reach back out. And I don't want back and forth.

I'm a clean cut. If we're done, we're done. Okay. Well, then you just have to, you know, listen, that'll be difficult. And he'll be okay. I don't know, he'll be okay. I just feel bad. I feel like, because he's so depressed, he hates his job.

His friends don't reach out. It's like you're taking the one consistent thing away. I just feel bad. It'll be okay. I don't want to sound like, you know, but like, listen, like life is. That's why I called. Life is, he's got to figure his shit out, you know. I don't know.

You know, you had a bad job. It really brought you down. You figured it out. You know, life brings us to some things that are unexpected and just kind of have to figure it out. You're not going to save it. You're not brought on this world to save him. And you can't save him.

him and and you can't you can add value to his life if you guys chose to still be in this relationship but he's got to figure his shit out he's got to deal with whatever mental health struggles he has I don't know what he's doing about it you know you know does he in therapy is he doing nothing you know so it's like there's things he could be doing that he's not doing he's very anti that's his responsibility he could look for a new job he could seek therapy this medication, the right situations could be a thing. You know, is he working out even? You know, like honestly, exercise is a, is a, is, he has all these things he said

throughout the relationship. He wants to. He wants to start going back to the gym. He wants to go out his friends. He wants to go after dinner. Now he's doing all of that except for the gym. But why didn't you do that when we were together? I didn't stop you.

I wanted you to go do that. He was up my ass so much. I wanted him to go out. Yeah. Well, listen, that's in the past. and you know if to me

that's telling me he's okay he listen he's going to be okay okay I don't know when yeah

but even if he's not okay it's not your it's not your responsibility while you were together you tried to be helpful and you know

and you did your part as his partner but you know relationships do end it's relatively mutual and even if he changes his mind you have the you know you have a right to live your life and be happy and i you know i get it when you're when you're down bad it's it's easy to pile on yourself you have to get through it that's why they say through it you don't get around it you don't get over it you don't get under it you get through it and and he's got to figure his shit out

Because like, well, correct me if I'm wrong, you know, despite him going through this, he is a, he is a capable adult, right? Like, he's, yes, yes, you know, he's not, he's not to the point of needs to be institutionalized because he's so helpless. No. Okay. He will be just fine. I just have a lot of guilt, being okay with it, and I need to get over that. I would, you should feel relief. I don't know why I don't.

and I don't know if it's maybe I will post this conversation. How long ago did you guys break up? Two weeks ago. Okay, so this is really raw. So like give yourself a little grace here. Okay. Yeah, it's just super hard to know. And your feelings may change and fluctuate.

I do think the fact that you can feel the way you do in this moment is very telling. Because like just, just, I just think the average person who is rejected in this situation would be prone to fight for something they probably shouldn't fight for. And I spend a lot of time talking to people who do, you know, my first caller today. It was just like, I'm just trying to get her to be like, you don't need this shit in your life. We talked about all the reasons that are pulling her to fight for something that might not be worth fighting for. And that's true. Like we all do that, right?

But the fact that you're, like, you had a moment of clarity in a time where you would be prone to, you know, I was fully expecting to be like, all right, like, to have to convince you that maybe this is for the best. And I didn't, you know, you were like, I already, I think this is for the best. Yeah. And again, a week from now, you might have second thoughts and be sad and, but in this moment, the fact that you have the clarity that you have is,

you know, I think it's telling. And I think it's important that you trust that feeling that you have. Do want to hang on to that because I do think, even to me, doesn't feel real. I'm still in the space. Nothing really has changed. So I do think it will hit me when I'm out, but I do agree if I'm already here in this amount of time, that's huge.

But I just, yeah, I'm just over the back. I think this weekend, you should have the uncomfortable conversation to say, hey, listen, let's figure out our next steps. You know, something maybe sweet where it's just like, I know we really care about each other. And I'm really, really grateful that in this moment, I still feel that with each other. And I'm glad that this isn't gotten hurtful or spiteful or ugly.

Just like if nothing else, I just, I know we're going to have a positive memory. We may not be right for each other. And then that's sad, but I am grateful we both feel sad about it. And I just, I am, I just want to thank you for making this, you know, doing your part to make this is less painful. Don't use the word easy. Less painful. You know, less painful.

But we do need to figure this out. So like, what do you want to do? And I, if more than anything, let's agree that we just need to share in the responsibility of figuring this out. So we should share in the costs. But like, what do you want? Again, you just say, I'd rather not be here, but I can be here if you really don't want to. But if you want to be here, I'm happy to leave.

I think we can agree that like doing the roommate thing sucks. Yeah. It's not. Again, I'd love the dogs. I want that, but I want to make sure that you are actually okay with it. And I don't want, you know, but I, and what I, and I hope we can agree that we don't, like, the joint cussie thing is off the table. It's neither of us want that.

I would prefer to have them both, but you let me know and maybe give it a day to think about it. But once you agree, I think you have to say the thing, we're like, but if you do let me have them, you know, that's it. You know, I'm going to ask you to like actually give me the rights to them. This is a lot. You'd have to just try to be as mature as possible. It hasn't gotten petty and I don't want it to. And I agree with everything you're saying.

Because yeah, I mean, honestly, like, I don't, like, if, I don't want to assume your financial situation. But let's say it costs you $6,000. $8,000 to break your lease. And let's say he gets petty and it was like, I don't want, you know. Well, then one, you could just stay there. Because rather than losing $8,000, you just like, I'll stay here and handle it.

And then you can get a roommate eventually if you wanted to. You don't have to. You know, it's nice to live by yourself sometimes. But yeah, you'll just, you'll figure it out. Just like, you seem flexible enough that would, however he decides or how he ever responds, even if he gets petty, you can still, you have some options. Because if he's like, well, I don't think I should split it with you, blah, blah, blah,

all right, fine, I'll stay. Or you stay. I don't know. You just let me know. I don't, I really don't care. But if we both want to leave, I'm happy to split the cost with you. And stuff we bought together gets split because he's already starting to ask. And I'm like, well, like, I.

Well, like what? It's, he's worried about the little stuff, like the comforter. Well, who gets the comforter? I'm like, well, I, really? Let them have all that, all of it. Again, the guilt is coming in. I made significantly more, so I bought more. I feel bad basically leaving him empty, but...

That's not your problem. I would take advantage of whatever reasonable list he brings to this conversation. Okay. You seem like you're being... It seems like you're being willing to be more than reasonable. It seems like you're even willing to be... Too reasonable. Too reasonable.

But that's not even a bad thing. Because if he does get petty, you seem to be in a position to be like, fuck it. I don't care. just a dresser. It's not worth it. And that's kind of my point. Like a couple, you know, if this, as long as this doesn't like set you back, I don't know your financial situation, but like

something that can, that is the, you know, I don't get to take a trip to Mexico because I had to pay for this bullshit. It'll just deal with it. Get through it. Get over it. Take your fucking losses and just move on with your life. You know. Okay.

And if you have to buy another bed frame or a dresser. We got a couple of codes for you. You know, like, see it as like, yeah, honestly, like, fresh start, fresh stuff. Okay. I like that. You know, but if he lets you have the stuff that you paid for because he should, then take advantage.

Okay. I struggle with the take advantage words and I think I need to shift. Take advantage of his reasonableness. Yeah, I agree. I need, yeah. I need to stop being. You're not taking advantage of him. Yeah.

And he, you know, he should buy his own shit. I don't know. Like you're not as... Well, you don't get girlfriend perks when you don't have a girlfriend. Yeah, but whatever. But if, you know, if you're in a position to be like, all right, fine, fuck it. If you really want it, take it. I don't care. Okay. I can do that. You want this to be just, just ripped a bandit off. Yeah. I'm ready to be done. And in my own space.

And to whatever you need to just act sad. Okay. You know, act sad. So that he feels like this isn't. weirdly too easy for you. I'm not. Jumping for joy. I mean,

again, you will be sad. But like, but like just, you don't want to be careful about like, it's just more, you want to do this because it's too hard to do this. Yes. You know,

you want to do that because it's too hard to do this. So that's the focus. Like I, you know, this sucks for both of us. Can we just figure this out because I don't want to keep this living, we both are both living in this purgatory.

And I really, I am so grateful that right now we're not at each other's throat. and I want them, that's what I want to preserve. Okay. I don't want unnecessary ugliness. I'm so grateful neither of us are being petty. Let's just figure it out.

What do you want? How, you know, and, you know, I'm willing to be, like, fair and reasonable. And just go from there. Okay. It's going to be a fun weekend. Yeah, be fine. It'll be fine. Okay.

But yeah, have the conversation. Don't delay it any longer. You're not a bad guy. You're not, you know, you're just, it's, he's going to be okay. Well, thank you. I appreciate all of this. It's very insightful. Well, I hope so.

I don't know if it's that insightful, but it's, uh, you're going through a tough time, but you just need some, you just need a little bit of reassurance. You're, you're, you're doing all the things, you know. Yeah. Okay. Okay. You know, maybe you just needed a little reminder that you're. I did.

And just, yeah, just because the timing's not ideal. I'm going to get through it. It's fine. There's no good time for a bad situation. There's no. And honestly, it's more ideal than you might think. You know, you feel you're kind of in this, you know, transitional period of your life and your career.

This is going to give you more time to focus on that. You know, right now you're taking libido classes and all this other shit. And maybe you still want to do that. But now you're doing it for yourself without this kind of complicated thing of, am I doing it because my boyfriend's dick is too big? I don't fucking know. Or this medication. you might, you know, weaning off this medication immediately, you might get a little horny.

And all of a sudden you're like, I don't need to take this fucking class. And again, like, it's just going to free up some of your energy to be more focused on what you know you really need. Then that, to degree, seems like a really good time. That's a huge positive. Yeah. Okay. There's always going to be things that are inconvenient. Yeah.

That's fair. Okay. I'll change my perspective on that. Good luck. Well, thank you so much. I will fill you guys in with any updates. Definitely please keep us updated. I'm expecting an update.

This is update. Yes. Okay. Please give my love to Natalie for her loss as someone going through it. Well, yeah. Well, thank you so much. I appreciate you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Bye.