The Viall Files - E114 Ask Nick - Teach Me How to Have Sex

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

First we talk to a caller whose boyfriend wanted to play video games instead of be there for her during quarantine, a person who is sheltering in place with an addict, a woman who is getting hit up by her exes, and someone whose ex wants her to teach him how to have sex. No need to go back to your ex- find a new bad person to be with! Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: MODERN FERTILITY: http://moderfertility.com/viall RITUAL: https://ritual.com/viall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody welcome to another episode of the vile files happy monday hope you're doing all right i'm in the comfort of my home as is rochelle how you doing rochelle. How you doing, Rochelle? Good, just hanging in there. Have you and your roommate fallen in love yet? I have. He definitely has not with me. It's just a one-way street, because he's interested in men, obviously, so I don't provide that stimulation. But he's a very good-looking man, I have

to say. Sure, well, you know, who knows, you know? Maybe... Keep trying? i don't know whatever uh we have a of a great episode for you uh thanks for tuning in um some uh quarantine ask nicks if you will everyone uh is calling in from their homes as well so uh relationships never stop happening doesn't matter if we're stuck inside, doesn't mean if we're separated, nothing really changed is our desire to have human connections. So the questions still keep coming in and we get some interesting ones. So I think you will really

enjoy it. Just a quick reminder, tonight we'll be dropping our first recap for Listen to Your Heart. And I got to say, I think you're going to want to watch it tonight if you weren't planning on. What else do you have to do? We are going to be recapping. So please tune in. Check us out. The same schedule as The Bachelorette

or was it The Bachelor? Sorry, when we were recapping it. So we'll be dropping it right after the East Coast feed is done airing and it will be there for you to consume on Tuesday. So as long as listen to your heart is on, we'll have the three episodes a week again. So it should be fun. And our first guest helping us recap episode one, none other than the very hysterical, talented, and funny Nikki Glaser.

Should be a lot of fun. Anything else, Rochelle, before we get to the callers? Nope. Alright, well, thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send your questions to asknick at castme.com cast with a K, and without further ado, our Ask Nicks. How's it going? Good. How are you? And I would think, let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going?

Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm Sarah and I'm 22. Hi, Sarah, 22. How can I help? Well, I know from when I emailed you guys last, things have actually changed a little bit since my original email. I know just for some background, my boyfriend and I have been together for two years. And then recently, since the quarantine, we said goodbye to each other, had plans for me to go visit after, not after things were done, but probably like this weekend, that was about a week ago, and then everything was fine, and then once, once he went back to his parents' house for quarantine, and just kind of spent time with them, since being in his apartment wasn't really comfortable,

he just kind of like fell off the radar a little bit, and just, just pretty much like started totally ignoring me, and then actually on last week, he ended up actually breaking up with me over text. So I mix text and phone. So that's what's going on. My guess is he initiated via text and you demanded a phone call? Yeah, pretty much. No, there's nothing wrong with that. and you demanded a phone call? Yeah, pretty much. You should.

No, there's nothing wrong with that. What was your question? It sounds like you sent in an email asking some questions before this quarantine. What was that about? You clearly had some concerns, obviously, before all this was happening. Yeah, so the original question was how do I approach the conversation Like, what was that about? Like, you clearly had some concerns, obviously, before all this was happening. Yeah.

So the original questions was, like, how do I guess, like, approach the conversation of, like, why someone's, like, ignoring you without kind of being, like, too aggressive, I guess. But then it kind of just, things just kind of got to a point where. Oh, so when you emailed in, it was post-quarantine social distancing. He had left and he was being distant and you were trying to figure out how to approach. And now you have your answer by he broke up with you. Yeah. What did he talk to you about? Well, it kind of got me a little bit annoyed because he knew that I was kind of freaking out a little bit.

Yeah, the title of her email is, My boyfriend is not being supportive during quarantine. Yeah, that's right. How old is he? 23. And she says he cares more about video games than me but at this time i understand um i mean when i was in college uh i had a roommate and we played a lot of uh madden football video games um it was it's funny when i think about now but but it was a point of contention in that relationship.

I mean, we fought all the time. Now, I'm not saying you are anyway like my ex-girlfriend, not that she was bad, but I look back and it was like one of those things that, you know, when I think when you're young in your first relationship, you're trying to establish boundaries, you know, like what is okay, like you're trying to figure out like, what expectations should I have of my boyfriend of myself? Like, what's too much? We sometimes let little things bug us, like, we'll get it like, well, we'll decide that like, this is annoying. And then they'll keep doing it because like, they like it, like whether it's video games or watching sports or for you, it might be like, you know, I don't know if you watch housewives, but like something like a woman might do that a guy might not show an interest in. And we decide to like, make that like a thing. And then it just compounds. And all of a sudden, you're like, we argued about video games, you know games you know when when and when you think about is kind of silly now i'm only kind of rambling here on the sense that uh you broke up so clearly

like maybe he in fact loved video games more than you and we're in weird times so the fact that like this is a scary time for everyone you know there's a lot of fear and misinformation out there, and there's a lot of unknowns, and we all respond differently. So take that for what it's worth. Don't worry about like, you should never try to take a breakup personally. That's easier said than done. But now you have a built-in excuse to be like, it's corona. Who would have thought, you know?

But I only point out the other thing is that in your relationship, if you find another relationship, you know, post quarantine, whether he comes back or not, and that wouldn't surprise me if, if you did, and I'm not trying to get your hopes up, but like, who knows after like the world starts picking up again, right? Is that, let me ask you this when you the video did you did you bring it up to him did you did you tell him how much you didn't like the video games did you say that to him oh you like video games more than me i mean i think that was just like one like smaller issue in like the grand scheme of things such as well i just feel like he didn't really

like um think that like communicating or like putting like really any effort in was like important pretty much like he didn't like he didn't really see a need like when we were um not together to really communicate what what is your version of communicating um just like a text in the like i don't know even something as simple as like a text in the morning like to wish you a good day or like a phone call at the end of the day or just anything but i kind of felt like i was like um single pretty much okay well that's um last month i'd say yeah i mean listen every relationship's different we've talked about love languages before on this show and how people express their feelings guys sometimes can be less communicative but also like some people just don't respond like

don't express their feelings that way you know what what I'm saying? I'm only pointing this out because like in your next relationship, if that's what you want, you gotta be mindful of it. Like you're never, like you can't meet a guy and fall for him and like him. And if that's just not how he communicates, that's just not how he communicates.

And like, yeah, you could tell him, hey, I would appreciate that. And yeah, like in a relationship, it's nice to know that you express what you want and they're willing to do that. But if it doesn't come, like you can't get mad at them for certain things not coming naturally to him. Does that make sense? And again, these are like little things and like there's nothing wrong with you saying like, hey, like, you know, say hi to me once in a while. But I think sometimes we try to, we like someone, you know, whether it's physical

attraction, we have like, we go on a couple dates, we have a good time, they say, let's date. And then we get to know them. And instead of maybe realizing that they're, we're not as compatible as we thought, we try to change that person. We try to like suggest like, well, I want you to do this. And I want you to do that. And the next thing you know, you're, you know, like you've had all these like, I want you to do this. I want you to do that. I want you to do this. And nothing really comes naturally. You get what I'm saying?

Like I'm only kind of, you know, like your relationship, you broke up. There's not much to like your original question in terms of like what should I do? But, you know, these are mistakes I've made when I was young and in your age and relationships. And my first couple of relationships is trying to change the people I was with. And I was with them based off of the initial attraction and the initial hanging out. And the next thing you know, it was us trying to change each other and then we just started nagging at each other and then it became you know tough so that's maybe something to be mindful of going forward because um if if you you're gonna meet a guy he might like video games

and that's fine for him to play video games what you you know and you know that right like but like you're just like you want him to express it certain ways. So I think it's sometimes a mistake that we make early in relationships is not paying attention to how that person expresses their feelings. We're so caught up in the kind of lustful moments and the excitement and the honeymoon phase that, you know, you're, you're spending so much time together and there's this excitement around getting to know someone that we don't pay attention to like, well, how do you communicate? Like when things slowed out and we get into our routine and we get comfortable with each other and the excitement wears off, how do we express our feelings? And that's something that I think people should pay more attention to early in relationships rather than figuring it out once

they're like in month six or seven. Does that make sense? Yeah, that definitely makes sense. And it was kind of like a characteristic of him and like our relationship that I kind of accepted to. It was kind of just like, I guess, like last week in particular, that was just like making things aggravating because it wasn't really, I guess, like getting answers as to what was going on. And especially for you, like if you're going to be in any type of long distance relationship, whether it's during a quarantine or not, you're going to need someone who's very communicative, who's very like, who, who is good at, you know, jumping on the phone, sending a text and just really makes you feel comfortable always knowing where you stand. And there's plenty of guys out

there that are like that. And there's plenty of guys who are not. But you're not going to change a guy if he is. You know what I'm saying? It's not going to happen if he's just not like that. Yeah, I kind of accepted that too at the point. I think what I'm just most angry about is that I guess like in terms of the actual breakup that it wasn't in person, I guess. Yeah, I mean, it's a bummermer but I wouldn't stress about it like how

long are you guys dating for like almost two years okay well that I mean that sucks but but nevertheless like I mean like I I get why right like you want it to mean something and it's like we spent two years together and we didn't even like break up in person, but eventually you just won't care. You know what I'm saying? Like it's just, uh, yeah,

you just, uh, eventually we'll just be like, Oh, well, yeah, we broke up and like you broke up. You'd like,

you don't need this like big ceremony and celebration and it doesn't mean official. Like, yeah, I wouldn't, I wouldn't waste a lot of time being bummed about like that fact. And in the future, you know, just be mindful of that going forward. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense.

I think I'm definitely handling it. You seem, you seem fine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah yeah i'm doing okay i think i almost think at first i was like oh it kind of sucks that we're like quarantine in the house and i'm dealing with this but it's also kind of good because it lets you kind of focus on yourself a lot um yeah many distractions around quite honestly i might have stuck in a relationship with him just out of pure boredom because it's like, well, what else are you going to do? But now you can go

on a bunch of dating apps and start swiping right and get, you know, set yourself up for like post-care routine. Like have a nice little like, you know, roster of guys and potential dates

lined up ready to go for when you're back outside. That's one way to think of it there there you go all right well best of luck thanks for calling in thanks next all right all right take care bye bye i i wonder if uh quarantine is gonna like if a lot of relationships are gonna end up ending because like people aren't putting the effort in yes and no we'll find out i mean it's always fast like what are you stuck with someone you hate like i really want to find the people Like people aren't putting the effort in. Yes and no. We'll find out. I mean, it's always fascinating. Like what if you're stuck with someone you hate?

Like I really want to find the people who are like miserable and they have to sneak away to quarantine, you know, like to call in. Yeah. But I mean, a lot of people aren't quarantining together, right? Well, if they were living together, you know, like that's the thing. Like most parts of the country, like, you know, people people are staying in but they're like still going to work so they might be like stuck with their boyfriends or husbands and like they're getting out of the house and ideally that'd be great if they i don't know yeah well i'll tell you what uh guessing there's a

strong chance that uh people are stuck at home and if you're in a relationship, you're probably- Quarantined babies. Yeah. And if you are trying to conceive, now's a great time. But the reality is, is sometimes that can be more challenging based off of your fertility for women. I've heard this. I don't know this.

Plus, we can't really go to the doctor right now. You can't go to the doctor. So if you are looking for information about your fertility, Modern Fertility is doing some amazing things. Yeah, this is the time to do it. They send you a kit right to the doctor. So if you are looking for information about your fertility, Modern Fertility is doing some amazing things. Yeah, this is the time to do it. They send you a kit right to your home. I did it.

You just prick your finger, put a little blood on this thing, send it in, and you can get your fertility results. So why not take care of that now when there's not much else we can really do? Yeah, it's only $159, which is far less expensive than going to the doctors, which can cost up to $1,000. Assuming your insurance covers it or even if it doesn't either way, I mean, it's just really expensive. So yeah, $159, a lot less expensive, super easy, a lot of great information they can give you, you know, let you know. I mean, you tell me, Rochelle, did they give you information

about like, you know, if you weren't, if you don't get the results that you want, they can give you some, you know, some takeaways and some actionable items, correct? You'll find out how many eggs you have, your hormone levels, and any reproductive red flags. That is amazing. Well, that's very helpful. So right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to modernfertility.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That means your test will cost $139 instead of the hundreds or thousands it could cost at a doctor's office. So get $20 off your fertility test. So that makes it $139, as we said, not $159 when you go to modernfertility.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Modernfertility.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Modernfertility.com slash V-I-A-L-L.

Ritual. What a great time to make sure that we are taking care of our bodies. Isn't that right, Rochelle? So I've been taking my ritual vitamin for women. And you can see it right here. It's actually a really cute case. Cute, clear pills. And they are non-nauseous pills

so that they actually taste good when you take them. Yeah, and these are vitamins specifically for women, correct? I do not get to benefit, unfortunately, from the wonderful things they're doing. Exactly. They are obsessively researched. They have D3, omega-3, and it's just tons of good stuff for you.

So I've been taking it every day because i want to stay healthy during this time it's a subscription it's easy to start so what you get your vitamins like on a regular basis uh so you're that's the thing i and that always happens you know like well i'm not using ritual because i'm not a woman but like i'll get on this like vitamin kick because i'll go to the store and buy them and then i'll forget and then i like i'll run out and then i just won't like stop taking the vitamins it's It's nice to have a subscription service when it comes to your vitamins. So you stay on this process because it doesn't do you much good if you do it for like a couple weeks. You need to,

you know, you need to do it over time and that's when the benefits really happen. I'm using this time at home to really like recommit to being healthy and developing really good habits for myself. Better health doesn't happen overnight. And right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off during your first three months. Fill in the gaps in your diet with Essential for Women, a small step that helps support a healthy foundation for your body. Visit Ritual.com slash V-I-A-L-L to start your ritual today. That's 10% off during your first three months at Ritual.com slash V-I-A-L-L.

How's it going? It's going good. How are you? Good. I'm doing great. What's your name? My name is Sarah. How old are you, Sarah? I am 24. And how can we help? So I've had a long term relationship with my boyfriend for about five years now. And when our relationship started, I wasn't in the best place emotionally or physically. And I met my boyfriend around that time. And he really kind of helped me out of that tough spot. And I'm in a much better place now. And the roles have kind of reversed to the point that now he is in a really difficult situation. He, when I met him,

he was a recovered addict. And that he really, you know, my mother and my lot of my family, they are addicts as well. So I really connected to that, that he had recovered from that. And I found that to be like a, it's something that drew me to him in the first place, that he was able to overcome that. In the past, since October, he has unfortunately relapsed. And he has gone to a treatment, but then left treatment and then relapsed again. gone to a treatment, but then left treatment and then relapsed again. And at this point, I'm kind of frustrated because I don't understand how to move forward with this relationship anymore.

And part of me feels like I might just be clinging on to the fact that he like saved me when I was just really in a tough place emotionally. And I'm thinking like, I'm trying to hold on to something that's super toxic and hoping that it would get better. But I don't know if it ever will. How old is he? He is 26. Okay.

Um, I mean, it sounds to me that deep down in your gut, you kind of know what you should do. Um, you're just having a hard time, you know, letting go and understandably so and kind of grappling with that. But, you know, you seem kind of aware of the possibilities of why you're drawn to him and why you were in the relationship to begin with. You don't need me to point that out to you, right?

you were in the relationship to begin with. You don't need me to point that out to you, right? And it's a tough situation, right? Like in a relationship, you want to, you know, a lot of people pride themselves, and rightfully so, for being a supportive person to their partner in tough times, you know? I mean, you're not married, but like even when people did give their wedding vows, you know, um, you know, they, they say, you know, like through good times and bad, right. And you're going through a bad time, but you're not married. Uh, there's a, maybe a reason why you haven't gotten married. And even in a marriage, like sometimes people do have a breaking point and, um, of marriage like sometimes people do have a breaking point and um you got to be careful not to get wrapped up in a situation where it's kind of dictating your own happiness and if he's not willing or able to help himself that that could be just a very difficult life for you, you know? And we do live together, unfortunately, which is difficult.

It is. And especially during these times, but I will say that, uh, you know, uh, quarantine or not self quarantine, staying inside, um, that makes it more challenging, but regardless people in a minus you know what we're going through right now as a country and as a world rather um that um people like to you know people will use the fact that they live together as like an excuse to drag things on out like is it does it suck yes is it inconvenient. Will it cost you a little bit of money to, to make changes? Yes. But most of the time, these are all hurdles you can overcome. You just have to do it. Right. And it's, it's going to be a period of feeling bad,

it's going to be a period of feeling bad, probably him trying to make you feel worse. He's been trying to put it on me lately, and I keep kind of thinking of that quote that everyone says, like, oh, you don't deserve someone at their best if you're not there for them at their worst. And he keeps throwing that back. He was like, oh, I was there for you at your worst, but now I'm here for you at your best. So you need to be there for me right now. And it's just

kind of like, it makes me feel conflicted. Listen, I mean, as Rochelle said, no, I mean, it's one of those things like it's up to you to decide. I can't sit there and tell you that you shouldn't be there for him, right? What I am telling you is that you have the right to not feel guilted into being there. You're not a bad person if you decide that this isn't for me. You're not obligated. You don't owe him anything. You're not his wife. You're not committed to him. And even if you are, like, if you were his wife, you're, yeah, I understand, like, marriage is a commitment until death do you part i understand all that but as you said like these are very toxic atmospheres

atmosphere situations atmospheres whatever um they could be potentially unsafe if you have a family it could be unsafe for your kids um you know you said he left rehab or whatever like he's um is he using there during quarantine yeah um oh and then like he's been telling me actually the last two weeks that he was sober but i just saw a lot of red flags what's he using like heroin yeah so last night i literally caught him in the bathroom at three o'clock in the morning. No. Yeah, it's sad, and I am sorry that you're going through that, and that's not okay. Can you go somewhere else? I mean, I'm in Southern California. I'm sheltered in place.

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That's nhoils.com and get some amazing essential oils. We specialize in blends. Check us out right now, 30% off Code Natural. That's 30% off Code Natural, nhoils.com. Yeah. My parents, well, my mother lives like 30 minutes from here. I would maybe go to mom and dad's. I mean, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I understand quarantining, and obviously you've been staying inside. mom and dads um i mean you're you're stuck between a rock and a hard place i understand you know quarantining and um obviously you've been staying inside so like if you drive to your parents i don't know how old they are but that's the decision you guys are gonna have to make as a family but it's your immediate concern is you're you're currently living with someone who's using heroin and that's not safe for you it's not legal it's not safe um uh you know yeah i think it'll be like hard for me to miss the person that i know that he is when he's not using but i don't know if that person will ever come back and not only that you can't you don't you don't get to separate you know um every girlfriend i've had you you know, great overall. But, you know, sometimes we broke up

because there were bad moments, you know, there were reasons we fought and like we, you know, we both did it, right? And again, when you're dating someone, you have the luxury of saying, I don't want this in my life, you know, it's a little bit more, there's a little bit more, the decision is a little more difficult if you are married and have a family and you're just like, hey, listen, maybe you can say, well, I made this commitment to you, et cetera, et cetera. But you're dating, you know, like you're not even engaged. You know, that's what, like, that's what dating is about,

your boyfriend and girlfriend, to figure out whether you want to spend the rest of your life with people. And when they show you signs that you think, I don't know if I want this in my life for a month, a year, let alone the rest of my life, you have the ability to get out. And just because they're going through a tough time, it's not your problem. And this is a situation where he's putting your safety at risk. And that's not okay. I have to look at the whole picture i can't really separate yeah he's a great person when he's clean but there's always this side of him that could always re-emerge and i can't really i can't separate the two yeah and it doesn't make him a bad guy he's probably sick and he definitely needs

help uh it's but whether he's has bad intentions or, it's not safe for you. And you have the right to remove yourself from the situation without guilt, even though he will certainly try. He'll certainly try. He'll do everything he can to make you feel guilty. But it's not your fault. And you've done more. I don't even like the fact that you've tried means you've done more than you could or should and you've done more. I don't even like the fact that you've tried, it means you've done more than you could or should, you know, you've done enough. You've,

you've, but everyone has a breaking point and you have to protect yourself. And, have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? Have I ever been to what? An Al-Anon meeting? No, I don't know what that is.

Oh, it's for people who are in relationships with addicts. Have I ever been to what? An Al-Anon meeting? No, I don't know what that is. Oh, it's for people who are in relationships with addicts. And it's even for people who have family members who are addicts. And you could probably right now during the quarantine get into some video meetings. And this is all they talk about is what you're going through right now. Yeah. I mean, part of it's difficult because like I could go to my mother's, but my mother is an alcoholic, but she's not, obviously alcohol is different than heroin. So it's just kind of, I'm surrounded by it in all places. So it's a little bit. Yeah. And I, and I'm sorry for that. And that sucks, but I'm glad that you are mindful of the

fact that you might be drawn to that, especially someone who has shown that they did get over it and that you have the patience for it. You've dealt with it your whole life. Is your mom in recovery or she's still – She denies it, but she's not at her worst. I've seen her worse than she is now, but she denies the fact that she relies on alcohol for emotional. Dr. Justin Marchegiani Yeah.

I would love you to find a situation where you don't have to deal with it, where you find someone who's not a user, who's not a recovery. Like listen, I have a lot of friends who are recovering alcoholics and they are sober and that's amazing. I commend them. And then I guess it's always possible they could fall off the wagon. If you fall in love with someone, that's great. I'm not criticizing anyone who has, but it would be nice if maybe you just didn't have to deal with that since you've had to deal with it your whole life. You know, it might be just a weight lifted off your shoulders

to know that you don't have to worry about that. So yeah, just don't feel guilty. I don't think when we're dating people, whether they're using heroin or whether they're just kind of a pain in the ass, whether they're mean, whatever the reason, when we break up with them, they like to make us feel guilty and they do a good job of it sometimes, especially when sometimes we're ending relationships, not because we don't love them anymore, not because we don't love hanging out with them when they're at their best, but when they're at their worst, they're not fun to be around. They're mean or they're critical or they're demeaning. You know what I'm saying? And I've had relationships like that. I had a girlfriend and I might've mentioned this before, you know, we broke

up. Right. And there was a good six, six, eight months of us continuing to hang out. Right. We had mutual friends and we'd hook up. You do that whole thing. Right. And we had incredible chemistry. Right. So every time we would see each other, it was just like, it was so easy to slip back into that kind of routine. And she would always say, why can't we get back together? We're so great together. We have so much fun together. And I was like, you're right, we do. But it's not how much fun we have when it's good.

It's that when it's bad, it's really bad. And you don't seem willing or able to change the things that I'm not okay with and the things I don't want in a relationship. And I don't want to a relationship. And I don't want to like handle conflict the way we do. And it's never changed no matter how much we've tried. And you have the right to say that. And anyone in a relationship has the right to say that, especially if they're just dating, you know, to say, you know, I'm not saying quit every time it gets tough, but we, you know, sometimes we are in relationships and we communicate things we're not okay with. And that person will be like, yeah, sure. We'll

fight sometimes. And they'll say they will change, but they don't. And then you give them enough rope and they're like, listen, like, I don't know that you're not going to change. Like certainly not from me nagging. And then maybe someday you'll change, but that will be years from now, uh, based off of something you had to go through, but I won't be in your life to see it because I'm not willing to wait three or five years for you to change. And you have the right to do that. And everyone does.

You know, like you're in an extreme situation where they're using heroin, right? But like that goes for everyone who just feels like, like I've tried and you're not willing to do what I need and you have the right to go. And that person's gonna make you feel guilty. You weren't there for me and blah, blah, blah, et cetera, et cetera.

And like, and that sucks. And you just got to get through it, you know, but don't feel guilty. It's not, you've, you've done probably more than you, more than I ever would. I'm sure. Probably. And then it kind of brings me to like in future relationships, how do I know? Like, cause clearly I'm able to put up with a lot of BS. How do I know like when bad is like too bad to like, no, it's like, okay, I'm just dating. I don't need to stick on for dear life. Every single relationship I have.

Well, my guess is you're probably drawn to people. You're like, you know, like a lot of people are, you're a fixer, you know, like you like helping and you're like, I can do this. And you, you feel a level of security. There's a confidence that comes from that. If you're dating someone who you're helping and they feel like they need you, you feel safe because you know, you're able to do that. And that's something you're going to have to try to get over. Like you have to realize when you are getting into situations, it might be a little scary for you because you won't have that security you're used to having. You won't have that. You might be dating a guy where like, well, I don't know how he feels about me because I'm so used to establishing their need for me based off of how I'm helping them with their problems.

their need for me based off of like how I'm helping them with their problems. And they seem like a pretty normal guy. I would just encourage you to like, you know, try out those relationships, even though it might be a little new territory for you, you know? And like, again, if you meet someone, maybe at least for a period of time, you know, you're certainly, I'm guessing you're, Um, you know, you're certainly, I'm guessing you're, it's probably easier for you to pick up on, on cues that this person might have, uh, be a user. You know, you've lived with your mom, you dated someone. So my guess is it's probably pretty easy for you to identify an addict more than the common person. So like, if you do notice that, just walk away, just don't get yourself in a situation. Don't, you know, at least for a short period of time. I'm not trying to say you should never date someone

who's like, who's been sober or whatever, because like, there's a lot of great people who I'm friends with. But like, I think for you particularly, you just deserve a period of time where you just need to try to like find someone where it's just there's that doesn't exist and just kind of get a feel for what it's like to date that person you know what i'm saying almost like not necessarily to find your person but just like exercise for yourself because you're so used to being drawn to that yeah there's actually a word uh for it's called codependency have you heard of that i have so that's like people who grew up around addicts who then find other addicts to be around but so that might be something good to learn about too yeah so just i i think it

weirdly enough just really um just just be mindful of it and go out of your way to date someone who hasn't dealt with any of that and be open about it with, you know, not necessarily on a first date, but as you get to know someone, I wouldn't be afraid to not know, like, just don't dump everything on them. But to say like, hey, I'm going to just keep it real. My past relationships, I've dealt with this. I'm a little sensitive to it. So like, that's why I asked some of these questions, because I just, I don't want to deal with that anymore. You know? Um, and if that person, like, you know, I mean, if I were on a date with someone and they said that, I'd be like, well, yeah, I mean, I'm not. And like,

thanks for sharing that. And can I ask you some questions about it? So, so I can understand, like, you know, I'd probably be like, well, did you ever, did you ever use with him? And not that I would just, I would try to ask some questions and whether the answer, like, you know, I'd probably be like, well, did you ever, did you ever use with him? And not that I would just, I would try to ask some questions and whether the answer, like, you know, just keep it open and you will hopefully feel like how a person responds to that should be telling and how, you know, a good of a communicator they are. Definitely. I also think I'm a lot more mature now than I was when I met him to be able to like pick up on the red flags that I might not have seen two years ago. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you're still young. I mean, you're still figuring it out.

And that's, you know, in any relationship, your next, you know, relationships that end are great because you hopefully learn from how you are attracted to people, your patience, your willingness to deal with things. So, uh, be thankful. You can try to, and that's the thing. It's like, as cold as it sounds, I would, I'd cut them off if you end it, you know? Um, cause you're going to get dragged back in, you know, I'll be there for, as a friend, like, you know, um, he'll figure it out you know um you're not gonna be the reason he makes it or doesn't make it through this you know yeah i'm only like i feel like i'm like aiding him at this point and maybe you're for him because it's like a support system still yeah and like he'll let he'll make you think that you're if if you leave

him like he'll probably make some crazy accusations and may throw out some gazy crazy guilt trips but you're not going to be the reason whether he gets through this or not and you've tried so yeah will you promise us though that you'll find a safe place to go? Yeah, I'll definitely. Do you have a friend you could go to? Yes, I have friends in the area. I'll just kind of make some calls and figure out who has space and if anyone's sick or not and just try to stay away from everyone and just kind of relocate.

Yeah, and if the worst case scenario is back at home with mom, not ideal, but it sounds like even though she's not as much of a liability. Yeah, she has her own toxicity issues, but she's definitely not as much of a liability. I don't doubt it, but using heroin is a pretty extreme thing

and not a good atmosphere for you to be in. Definitely. Yeah, I agree. Thanks for validating my internal. Yeah. I mean, and that's like I said, before I started rambling, like, you know, like, trust your gut, you know. Don't. You're clearly a good person you have a good

heart like you're not gonna you're not a but trust your gut you you know all right i appreciate it thank you all right take care be safe i will thanks all right bye-bye i wasn't thinking about that being trapped with someone who's like using heroin. That would be an extreme in crazy times. I mean, for all the people who've complained about, you know, I'm single and I'm quarantined and I'm alone. I mean, yeah, there's probably a lot of people, this being an extreme case, that are in that are are not going well right yeah and they are are stuck at home imagine being someone who is like verbally abusive or physically yeah physically certainly i mean i guess i only point out verbally because like i mean i most people

know that the physical is not okay and the heroines like those are so extreme that like you know and granted some people do put up with it more than they should but like i don't even mean like like aggressive i mean just like someone who's just constantly negative or constantly just like critical and you're stuck at home with them and they only get more like just like a slow death you know what i'm saying when i say like i mean verbally abuses i mean like just just kind of someone who's a dick you know yeah yeah um now there's no escape and now there's no escape so like i i empathize for those out there so um yeah how's it going i'm good how are you guys good what. What's your name? My name is Anna. I'm 28. How can we help you, Anna, 28?

All right. So basically what's going on is it is like the beginning of self-quarantining. Yeah. It was like day one of self-quarantining and I got two texts from two different exes on that day. Part of me was like, yeah, this is great options. And then part of me was like, well, actually there are no options because I have to stay alone in my house. So one of them is like an ex from college and he basically reached out to me and I felt like for the first time he was being really straightforward and he was like, hey, like the two things I guess I enjoy most about like communicating with you or hanging out with you are that I really admire what you do. or that I really admire what you do. Like he really admires what I do for work and he wants to talk to me about it. And then the other is like basically hooking up.

And so when I got that text, I was like, but at least you're being honest. Like finally, at least you're not like professing your love for me, but you obviously don't love me. So I was like, okay, thanks for being honest. And he was coming back to the city where I live because that's like home for him um for some part of you know this craziness because his job is on a break so I was like all right um yeah I would like to see you. I basically, I just fell for it. Like what it comes down to. Um, and he, like the day he was supposed to get home, he didn't text me and I was sitting there like, this is, this is standard. Um, get home from where? Um, so he, he works in another city,

like in another part of the country. Okay. And he was coming back home, which is where I live now. Sure. So he didn't text me. And then I was like, all, you know, annoyed and like fixated on the fact that he hadn't texted me, but he's the one who initiated this. So I texted him and I was like, Hey, well, are well are you home like do you still want to get together and he wasn't he hadn't come home so um he hasn't like tried again since then to get together with me he's just totally left it but but uh so you you guys like you were hoping that he would what like you guys would quarantine together oh no i thought. I thought... Do you hang out? Well, you're not supposed to be hanging out with anyone.

Get married, Nick. She thought they were going to get married. Yeah, I thought we were going to get married. Corn booty call. I'm teasing, but technically you're not supposed to be doing that. But, yeah. So he's probably reached out to two or three other people. Oh yeah. But this is someone who like when you were dating, uh, either what he ended it, you ended

it. But if you ended it, you ended it for specific reasons of what, you know, like what, what would happen? Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah, we both ended it a couple of times. I don't even. I couldn't even tell you who ultimately did. Okay. So what's the problem? Do you realize that maybe- This isn't the end of the road yet.

Okay. Okay. So the question is, yeah, I literally am not seeing anyone. I am just staying home. It's like obviously not an option because of what's going on. But my question is like, I'm stewing on this situation and I'm thinking about how like I'm single at this time. friends gave me this advice recently where she was like, you'll find someone when you're truly happy being on your own. And I'm like, okay, but I have been single for like a year. Obviously I have a life. Like I do things, I have friends, I'm generally happy, but not happy all the time. And I wonder like, if she knew about this, would she be like, well, this is, it's this kind of thing that I still give into that is like the reason that I am still single. Like my question is, do you agree with her advice? You got to tell Nick about the other one.

Oh God. He texted me too and was like really upfront about, I guess this was like before self quarantining. It was, it was like two days before things went into effect. Listen, my neighbors are still booty calling. So people are doing it. I'm not. I'm not, to be honest.

But at that time, I thought like it might still be an option, but it's not. But anyway, yeah, the other one texted me and he was like, yes, also booty calling. one texted me and he was like yes also booty calling and I declined that one because he I was like well have you seen anyone in the last couple days um because you know like I've been pretty good about staying home like I want to be sure that you know sure and he was like um no I'm still going to the bars and the gym and shit. And I was like, okay, gonna stay home. Well, good for you for saying no to that and great questions to ask him. That's the story?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. So back to your original question of, do I agree with your friend? Like, I mean, listen, we give cliche advice on this podcast, don't get me wrong, but

your friend's advice is pretty vague in terms of you'll be happy when you at least, you'll find someone you least expect it. Like you said, it sounds like you've been single for how long now? A year.

So, yeah, I don't know if that really applies because you've probably dated. You've probably had maybe a hookup here. I don't know. It doesn't matter. But the point is that there are certain people who literally can't be single, and they will just be in a relationship with kind of anyone as long as they are in a relationship. And it sounds like if you were desperate to have a boyfriend, you could probably have one, you know, might not be the

love of your life, you know, might not be super obsessed with them, but you could date them, you know, and there are plenty of people who do that. So I don't know if that really applies to you because, well, you've been single, uh, for, uh, the better part of, uh, uh, of a year, but you get what I'm saying. Uh, so I don't know if that really applies. What was the reason for saying that? I, I feel like a few of my good friends who I would like go to for advice. I feel like, you know, I'm at the age where like many of them are in relationships now and they look at me and I'm not. I mean, I got to say, friends are sometimes the worst people to go to for dating advice

and especially friends who think they have it all figured out. I mean, for all the criticism, like when people joke, it's like, you know, I have this podcast, I'm giving relationship advice. I'm notoriously single. You know, I, I am not projecting any of my like successes onto people and why, you know, do what I do because, you know, guess what? I, this is how I finally found love and blah, blah, blah. And listen, like it's, I'm not saying anyone who has a successful relationship shouldn't give advice, but our friends have a way of thinking they did it right. And they feel, you know, even when, even sometimes they act like they all have it all figured out. Meanwhile, like they'll say that and two months later, it'll be like,

I fucking hate my boyfriend. So friends are notorious for being bad advice givers in relationships. So I'm sure she means well. I wouldn't. Quite honestly, while she might mean well, it kind of sucks that it's shitty that she said that because it got in your head. It made you think about it. And like I said, you've been single for a year how much like how much more what do you what do you need to do

to show her that you have been more or less fine being single like you're allowed to date and hook up and you're allowed to be a serial dater like you still go home alone for the most part you you don't play house unless i'm missing something unless if i talk to her and she was on this, she'd be like, well, actually she's leaving some things out. But you're allowed to date. Do you play house with guys? You get in these little two-month flings where you're hanging out every day and going to markets together and shopping. You're not doing that. So if you were doing that, you're more or less have been single while dating. And that's like, you don't have to like, you don't have to be like fucking alone for a year

where you don't talk to any guys to prove to yourself and to your married friends in relationships that somehow you're now really comfortable with being in total fucking isolation. Like, I don't, that's ridiculous. And we're in strange times. So like't i haven't like touched a human being in 18 days like i don't even i had a dream last night i was spooning someone like i don't mean like touching a sexual way i mean like a handshake like a pat on the back like uh you know and like sometimes we do get a little fucking lonely you know like

so the fact that you had this moment of weakness with an ex like so what like feels like the end of the world it does it feels like oh this is why i'm single like because i still fall for this shit no i mean we all like i do shit all the time where i'm just like you know i should not do this like whatever you know like is it really stopping you like that that's not stopping you from meeting someone you know like what would stop you from meeting someone again if you are if there are several instances where there's long extended periods of time where you're spending all your time with someone you know is not good for you yeah you know uh when you stop when when you're like get back with exes or or date guys

and you play house and like you're not and you're and you stop trying to meet other people like if you want to have a fuck buddy who's bad news for you, I'm not saying that's the best thing you should do. But if you're still out there and open to meeting people and once in a while where you're single as fuck, you're hanging out with some guy who you know is not going to be your person, that is not stopping you from meeting someone. You're still open. It's the people who get themselves in these situations where they just kind of close off. They just get comfortable in the routine. They get stressed out because like dating can be stressful. So like, instead of going on new dates and meeting people and having those awkward conversations, they just kind of like play house with someone that they know isn't really good for them. And they act

like boyfriend and girlfriend and they have expectations like boyfriend and girlfriend but because they they don't want like they don't see themselves ending up with someone they'll be like well we're not dating you know and they'll tell their friends well we're not they're not dating you know we're not dating meanwhile everything they're doing suggests that they are dating right it doesn't seem like you're doing that if you were doing that then i would say maybe your friend's right yeah but you're not so what else you know i just was saying don't be hard on yourself about the x thing right now because literally every single person has too much time and they're thinking about their exes it's just inevitable so you're one of a million people doing that and if you want to talk to an

ex you know like slow play it you know and i mean by like there's nothing you know respond back ask some questions but like do it from a position of power and what i mean by that is like what i mean by that is like be fully aware that this is all kinds of wrong for you but like and and and be fully aware that uh it'll be a cold day in hell before they prove themselves that they have changed. But you're willing out of sheer boredom to just ask some questions that might lead them down a path to show you whether they have or haven't changed. And it sounds like this guy pretty quickly showed you that he hasn't. No, no, not at all.

When you do it, the only mistake you made in this situation is you wanted to believe him. So be more of a skeptic when it comes to exes. Right. Don't be a skeptic in general, but when it comes to exes, we should all be skeptical as fuck. But yeah, exes always be skeptical.

Like, they haven't changed. They definitely haven't changed. And even when they they're they haven't changed they definitely haven't changed and even when they sound like they've changed they most likely haven't changed but if you want to see for sure there's no harm in that nick did you see the uh andy posted something where she's like i'm this close to texting my exes and then she had a screenshot it was you and chris souls yeah she sent she sent it to me. It's so funny. See, everybody is. It's just like a terrible recipe for that. Like sitting around having nothing to do,

not being able to like. Go on a dating app, start sliding right and start talking to random guys that you might like not and just have some conversations on a dating app with some strangers. Maybe set up a FaceTime date.

There's plenty of people you can waste your time with that haven't yet proven to you that they're not your person. Dating apps are still working, right? So, yeah, we don't have to resort back to our exes. There's plenty of... Find a new bad person for you. I will try. I'm sure I'll succeed. Yeah.

But like what's like having to have some playful banter with some guys that you're on a dating app with, you know, like you certainly can take out the fear that they're just reaching out to you because they want to hook up you know that's not going to happen anytime soon right no or shouldn't rather but um so yeah um yeah don't beat yourself up too much don't let your don't let your uh friends and successful relationships get in your head they're they're great they also they're the worst they're the fucking worst uh like friends and i've been that annoying friend like i've been that like and it's been a while but like since we're just like i'm in love you know you should let me tell you how you should be in love oh fuck you um but friends do that you know uh yeah you're not a just because you've been single for a year, you're not like a, you're not a, you're not, you're not like this, like a case study for your friends. Oh, poor Anna. She just, Oh God, will she ever find someone like you're 28 and you've been single for

a year? Like there's nothing, nothing wrong with that. Um, so, uh, yeah. And just like, you know, when your friends are, you should be allowed to tell a story about you doing some fun shit that might not lead you to finding your person without your friends like looking at you like, really? Really, Anna? You're doing that again? Yeah. I can't talk about it.

Like I can't even laugh about it with them. And like, ew. Do you complain about being single to them? No, because I, I've been doing what you have kind of like disagreed with on the podcast, which I've heard, like I've heard you say, you know, you don't really agree or you wouldn't personally like take a break from dating. And I feel like I have kind of just chosen to like not go on dates for a little while totally fine yeah yeah um and no I'm not complaining about it because like I genuinely feel like I'm learning how to make myself happy and like that's a skill that I

always want to have yeah I'm gonna say if you were complaining to your friends all the time about being single like that can get annoying and so I could see that say, if you were complaining to your friends all the time about being single, like, that can get annoying. And so I could see that. But if you're not complaining, then, yeah, I don't know, man. I think you're doing just fine. Keep doing what you're doing. Politely tell your friend to, like, mind her own business. And, like, that's the thing.

Like, not to be, like, a dick to her, but, like, i didn't ask you yeah i think you're okay to be like you know hey i love you but honestly i didn't really ask for your opinion about my dating life i was just telling you a story um i'm fine you know i'm like you guys are gonna break up in two years anyways i mean they like some of them might some of them will that much i'm certain of hey i'm gonna get on the dating apps too so let's do this together quarantine swiping yeah start swiping right have some fun like you know you're not signing a contract just because you swiped right i need to remember that you're absolutely right yeah you don't owe them anything just because like you like the picture with their dog so all right well best of luck stay safe uh sounds like you're doing actually

just fine thank you guys so much all right take care you too everybody says you'll find someone when you figure out how to be happy alone oh god yeah it's such it's so cliche it's like annoying yeah like no shit. Like, I mean, like say that to people. Again, like some people need to hear that. Fine. It's the people who are just like, again, there are some people who obsessively can't be alone. And they will literally play house with anyone who's available.

And it's not dating. It's playing house. Like they're running errands and shopping and having sleepovers and hanging out with each other's families but they they're not in a relationship with that person that's not okay dating is being alone oh well you know it is for the most part like again like like what do you like i love how like friends who are in relationships think their friends shouldn't go out there and date to find someone right it's like that scene from forgetting sarah marshall where he's learning how to surf and he's like literally do nothing like what no we have to do something how's it going good how are you good what's your name my name's claire i am 26 years old. I'll be 27 next week. Happy birthday. Thanks. How can we help you, Claire?

So I have kind of a funny, awkward, I don't know situation. And when it happened, the first thing I thought was Nick would be the best person to ask this because you will be brutally honest and you will tell me if I'm being crazy or what. So basically my ex-fiance of four years ago reached out, reached out about two or three weeks ago before all the Corona stuff started happening and just wanted to catch up. Everything was normal. It wasn't weird. You know, I didn't think anything of it. And then last week he reached out and has, you know, we start talking again, catching up on life and it comes out that he tells me that he's still a virgin. So when we were together four years ago, he was a virgin and I was not. And then we were going to get married. We were

engaged, blah, blah, blah. And we decided, okay, well, we're only going to be engaged six months. Let's just wait till our honeymoon. And was this like a religious thing on his part? Kind of. We were both raised religious and raised Christian, but it wasn't like, you know, we were still having fun and doing other stuff. We were just like, oh, let's just wait to have sex. So I don't think it, I don't really think we felt that convicted about it. So, okay. Interesting. Lots of other stuff to do. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like we still had fun, whatever. All right. So, all right. So he reaches out to you four years later and says, by the way, still a virgin. Yes, exactly. So he, and then proceeds to say, I wish you had taken my virginity four years ago.

So I'm a little like, okay, you know, that makes sense. I've thought about, you know, my first love. What did he, what did he, do you know what he meant by that? Because it doesn't, that can mean a couple different things. you know what he meant by that because it doesn't that can mean a couple different things um yeah he well he was kind of expressing to me that um he's just kind of sick of being a virgin at 28 years old that would be my guess like it because at first it almost it's the first reaction would to take it as like a romantic thing you know like oh you're my first love and yet should have lost it to you is like um like i wanted you to be my first but it probably makes more sense where it's like clearly

like you know we've talked about my friend ashley i like you you know the four-year-old version movie like if you wait a long period of time you identify with it then it becomes harder then you kind of glorify it then you don't know like who, who do you pick to lose it to? And it's just kind of like, he's probably thinking, I wish I just would have lost it to you. He trusts you. He knew you. He felt safe around you. And that way he would probably feel a lot less of this burden of being a virgin. And my guess is that's kind of what he meant by that. Exactly. So he say, I want you to teach me how to have sex? Did he say that? Teach me?

Yes. So that's kind of like the next layer of the story. So I kind of joke back like, oh, yeah, like, you know, if we had had sex, it wouldn't have like been terrible, like whatever. And then he proceeds to say that he has this idea that he's going to buy a plane ticket, fly to me. And we live, I live in Canada and he lives in the States and he's going to fly to me so that he can lose his virginity to me. And then, yeah, just like you said, Rochelle, he wants me to teach him how to have sex.

Okay. What does your gut tell you? What does your gut tell you? Well, when he first said it, I was instinctually thought, crap, he still has feelings for me. Like he wants to get back together. This is his way of winning me back this romantic weekend of sex. Okay. And then the more we talked and I really was badgering him and being like really specific and asking him really hard questions, it sort of was coming to the surface that he was like,

no, I do not want to get back together. Like, I don't miss you like that. He's like, I just feel comfortable enough with you that I feel like the pressure would be taken off that I don't, you know, you've slept with plenty of people that you're not like, you're not going to be upset if it's not good. And you're also blunt enough of a person that you're going to tell me if it's bad and you're going to tell me what to fix. So I think he's, he's, after we talked more, I was like, okay, like I can kind of see where he's coming from that. It's not that he's in love with me and wants to win me back. Cause I told him, I'm like, what if I showed up on your doorstep tomorrow? And I said, I want you back. I made the biggest mistake. We should have stayed together. He was like, I don't think that's a good idea. I think

we're two different people. I think we broke up for a reason and we don't need to be together. So for me, that's like the opposite of a red flag where for him, it really is just about sex. And it's not about getting back together. Cause that's what I'm the one that broke up with him. So I was worried. He still had feelings for me. Okay. What do you think I want to say? Well, I don't know. I think you could go either way. I think you could either be like, you're a total idiot. Do not do this. Or you could be like, that sounds like so much fun. Why not? And I have no idea why, what you would go either way. Girl, you better be charging him if you're teaching him.

That's all I have to say. Well, let's not make it a crime. I honestly don't have a strong opinion, to be honest. I think it sounds like you've approached this in an objective way. It sounds like you're not delusional, and it sounds like you're aware of all the potential outcomes, and it sounds like you've asked them the appropriate questions. There's still no guarantees, right?

You don't know. You haven't seen each other in a while. You don't know how you guys are going to feel when you actually meet up. There's a strong chance that you meet up and you're both like, we can't do this. One of you might feel that. So there's like, you're looking at potential scenarios, like you can meet up and you can be like, I don't want to do this once you see him in person. He could think that, right? So there's a possibility in person after he takes his flight or whatever. Let's assume we're doing this post-quarantine and things like that. Oh, yeah, for sure.

So that aside, those are possibilities if you haven't considered that. Maybe not likely, but it's entirely possible. if you haven't considered that, like maybe not likely, but it's entirely possible. Like you're definitely inviting a potential very awkward situation for one or both of you after he's like jumped on a flight, spend money, you know, et cetera, et cetera. So I think if you haven't had those types of conversations, those would be important to have to say like, in addition to like us not considering getting back together we don't know how we're going to feel in person we don't know that right and so as long as we're both like if if you say yes to this i think you have to break down kind of all the outcomes

that you already had you kind of you've you've started to take the romance out of it and you need to continue to do that to like just really insist. And I think that will like lead you guys to both feel more comfortable, like removing all possible pressures that you guys could feel, right? You might come and I honestly, I might say no once you show up. Just know that. You might change your mind and that's okay. We might end up just hanging out.

Uh, he might, and then there's a possibility that, um, he comes, you hook up and then he's like, oh, PS, uh, I do have feelings for you. You could develop feelings. You know what I'm saying? It's, these are all possible scenarios that all that aside, if you decide, do you want to do it? I i don't have a problem with it i don't think it's the worst thing in the world certainly interesting um i can totally see why um he's comfortable with you and it makes a lot of sense that you know you were engaged with this guy like i get it from from his point of view like why he wants to do that i don't think you should feel responsible. I don't feel like you owe him anything. I don't think it's your duty. And so as long as you're doing it because you have some curiosity, you think it would be fun, maybe it even turns you on

that you are this person he thought of, these are all totally fine. But as long as you don't feel like you owe him anything, that you don't do it out of pity, don't do it out of guilt, you should be doing it only for yourself. It's like you have the right to be 100% selfish about this. And then as long as you are just objective and upfront and you cover all your bases about all the scenarios that could happen, then, you know, fuck it. Go for it. It will probably be fine. It will probably be like he'll probably will show up. You'll probably have some sex and you will shake hands and it will probably be totally fine.

And it makes a good story to some friends, you know? Yeah, exactly. I don't really have a problem with it. Does it turn you on thinking about it? Are you like, ew? Or what are you thinking? It's like, I don't really have a problem with it. Does it turn you on thinking about it? Are you like, ew, or what are you thinking? It's like, I don't know. It's a weird combination because it seemed kind of hot and sexy. And he was sort of, I can tell he still knows me very well.

Even though we were not a good match and it was the right decision. I know he knows me because he was, you know, he would text me and be like, you know, you want to do this. You're flattered that I asked you. He was like, you can teach me whatever you want. I have no bad habits. Like, I don't know what's going on in bed. And so not a turn on for you. And I was kind of like, well, yeah, like, of course it is. Every guy has some bad habit that you're like, please. Totally. Well, also like whatever you teach him too, it's not even a bad habit. Like when people hook up, I've had this, like I dated a girl for a long period of time and there were certain things she liked. And then we broke up and I remember I hooked up with my first girlfriend after that. Right. So, and I had sex with her,

uh, the first girlfriend, the way I was having sex with the last girlfriend. And like there was, she noticed like some of the different moves, if you will. And I think, I think it wasn't that she didn't like her, like it, she just knew it was different. Right. And my point is like, you might like something and teach them something that another woman might not like. Right. So like, I probably, you probably don't need me to share this with you, but if you're, if this is about, if this is a tutorial, not only should you teach him what you like, you should let him know that just so you know, not every girl might like this. The important thing is that you should be open to asking and communicating upfront in a relationship. Like you're not going to teach them everything you're going to teach them what you like and

some of those things my question is there that much to teach like most people can figure it out without a tutorial like what do you have to teach him well we stick it in there why do you guys i i i mean listen i i'm what i've learned from this podcast is there seems to be a lot of guys out there who don't take the time to satisfy women. So whether it should be easy or not, he seems to want to do it. And I get that he just has an insecurity because he hasn't done it. So you could be setting this guy up really well to be an advocate for advocate for like trying to please his his partner not every not every guy does um yeah yeah you could be like you know he's probably and that's the thing he's probably pretty good at foreplay no because like he was doing that for so long yeah and he's very

just he likes he likes to make people happy and he's very, like, that's his personality, not just sexually. Great. He likes to make people happy. He likes to, you know, be. He's good at oral sex. Actually, I don't know. Oh. But when we were texting, he was like, I want to learn that.

And I'm like, yeah, I want to do that and all these things. And so it's just, it is funny. I did warn him. I'm like, there's, you know, exactly. There's only so much I can teach you. I can teach you where it goes.

I, yeah, but like, you're going to figure it out. And all seriousness, like this isn't, it's not like you're going to bust out like a fucking like list of all the things you want to cover over the weekend.

It's just him getting comfortable with it. Right. Yeah, exactly. Like a no pressure environment. It's a mental hurdle. That's it. I think that's what it is just him getting comfortable with it right yeah exactly like a no pressure environment it's a mental hurdle that's it he just wants to do it without worrying about feeling judged and he feels comfortable with you um and there's no strings attached and i'm you know a a safe person that he can mess up and do you know know, yeah, not have that pressure.

Totally. And as long as you're okay with it, as long as you feel safe, as long as you don't feel obligated, I think this is totally fine. Yeah. Well, he did say he played the hole. He was like, well, have you ever slept with a virgin card? And I was like, well, actually I haven't now that I think about it and yeah to your question Rochelle that's kind of a turn on because I'm kind of like you know I've never done that might as well um it sounds like a porn setup no I don't think I'm convinced now that you should do this I before now I'm convinced I I don't it it sounds like, again, this is, it's these situations. It's all about like asking the right questions, being honest with yourself and not being afraid to

have an honest conversation with the other person. And a lot of people sometimes aren't, they're not comfortable with that. They, they're like, oh, well, I don't think he thinks this way. And they just ignore those questions. And you've done a good job of having these conversations. And as long as you're communicating, then I think it's okay. I think you run the risk of getting yourself in problematic situations when you assume the other person won't want to get back together, but you think it's too awkward to confront the situation. But you are confronting it and you're asking all the scenarios. I always just ask a couple more about like, Hey, listen, just, you know, just because you fly out here, I'm not guaranteeing it's going to happen. I mean, it probably will happen. My intentions are for it to happen, but I want to feel safe

to know that I can change my mind and you won't get upset that you got on a flight. Yeah, exactly. I think that's important for you to say. Yeah. I think that, I think that's the one thing I probably didn't, I've thought of in my head, but have not expressed to him that, you know, I did do the whole, like, what if you get off the plane and you see me for the first time in four years and all the emotions come flooding back? Like, then I definitely don't want to go through with it. But I never thought of just the, what if neither of us in person are like, oh, this is too awkward.

I might not want to do it, but I'm definitely open to trying and it would be, you know, that would be my intention. But I want to know that I can say no without feeling like a bad person or making you making me feel bad. And I'm sure you will go through with it. I mean, knowing myself, I think I will. But it's just important to set those boundaries. Yeah, I think so too. And it's just important to set those boundaries. Yeah, I think so too. And I think it actually helps that we do live far enough apart that it's not like it would be, yeah, it couldn't ever even become something anyways because we live too far away.

But without actually exchanging money, which you definitely should not do, but it should feel very transactional. It should feel like two friends helping each other out yeah and that's what it feels like and he he's like i'll get up there and i'll just buy you a bunch of groceries and i'll you know clean your house and i was like well no that makes me feel like a prostitute yeah don't don't do that um i was like how about you just buy the plane ticket because you feel like visiting canada um yeah i mean also like maybe even make i i don't think it would be uh out of the question suggests he also gets a hotel room whether he uses it or not but i think that I can't imagine in Canada hotels are all that expensive.

But yeah, I think, you know, because like this is about sex. This is not spending the night, you know. That's what I also thought about is if we could meet in a like neutral city and just get separate hotel rooms. I think that's a smart idea if this is truly like friends helping each other out then you shouldn't be spending the night together yeah um yeah like if you guys want to avoid the relationship stuff and and and really like then and it sounds like he'll be okay with that, but maybe that just needs to be addressed.

Yeah, that's true. Because it's one of those things you don't talk about. It's like, well, I guess I'll just sleep over. And then you're like, well, that's something my boyfriend would do. And I don't know if I want to wake up to you. Then you're playing house for a weekend. And that's, no. Because even though I have a spare bedroom,

it's like we'd still have to get up. We'd have to share the bathroom. We're running into each other in the kitchen. Like that would be, I think it would be awkward. Yeah. And you like, you hook up in late afternoon or early evening. You don't hook up at night because like, yeah, you eat dinner and then he goes home and then maybe you hang out again tomorrow. But yeah, I would have him get a hotel room or like maybe you again you meet in a city where you both have a hotel room yeah that's really i like that idea yeah you cover all your bases where it doesn't complicate the situation yeah that's true cool well yeah well that was really helpful thank you i see i knew you would just like you wouldn't think i was crazy uh no whatever like whatever that's the

people like do way crazier things um it's probably and you know what you probably will really help him out he'll probably will he probably will really appreciate this you know he probably wants to really get over this hurdle you know and it's a mind fuck for him and he's probably insecure about it and self-conscious and like you probably will do a great thing for him yeah i i think so too so let us know i want to hear about it i'll uh i'll send a little update email if if a plane ticket gets booked sounds good we'll post post uh post corona yes after after the flights open up again especially international travel. Yeah.

All right. Well, thanks for calling in. It's been a fun story. Thanks so much, Nick. Thank you, Rochelle. All right. Take care. Thank you. Bye.

Yeah. I mean, hey, takeaway there is like, as long as you're communicating. Yeah. It's just sometimes you get in these situations and you're like, well, have you talked about that? Like, no, he wouldn't think that. I doubt he's like, you know, I don't think he's like that. I don't need to ask.

Like, yeah, you do. You need to ask. You know, you need to bring it up. And like sometimes those awkward questions, they might be awkward to ask, but you always feel better once you ask them. Like you always feel better about just getting the answer you were unsure about one way or the other. So, yeah, teach them up. Get them. Here's a guy who wants to learn. Most guys don't, you know, they just go to Pornhub. Yeah. I'm totally on board for this. What a fun quarantine episode. Yeah.

Everyone, it's funny how, you know, obviously this is changing the world in a lot of ways, at least for a short period of time, or we hope it's a short period of time. And certainly when it comes to relationships, because like the human spirit needs to have human connections, whether that's physically or whether it's... It's so true, yeah. And relationships don't end.

They change, you know, how we have relationships. And so it's... We'll always be here, is what I'm trying to say. So, yeah. Thanks for... I remember reading something about a therapist that was working, I think, with refugees. And she was just shocked by... they were all just talking about relationships.

She thought they would be talking about like their crazy situation they were in. But everybody's still like relationships are just the heart of the human experience. And no matter what's going on. They really are. I mean, relationships or friendships or work relationships or certainly romantic relationships, those don't change. I mean, well, they change, but they don't go away. And the desire for them and situations change and how we approach them change.

But, yeah, so it is fascinating to have these discussions about it. And I'm guessing a lot of people related to some of the stories talked about. So I hope you guys enjoyed it. And as always, thanks for listening. Thanks for putting up with any audio changes or quality. I think we're doing okay. But if it doesn't sound quite the same, we appreciate your sticking with us and getting through it with us as we try to still put out content for you

while we're also being safe in the comfort and safety of our homes as I hope you guys all are as well. Anything else to add, Rochelle? No. Keep sending in your questions. Keep sending your questions at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K. We would love to hear from you guys,

you 10 percenters out there. If there are people who are in relationships that they wish they weren't in but are stuck, I'm curious about that, how quarantine has affected that relationship. But other than that, keep washing your hands, keep being safe, be kind to one another,

and we'll see you next time.