The Viall Files - E1145 Ask Nick - Should We Marry For His Green Card?

Episode Date: June 22, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition! On this episode of Ask Nick, our first caller is weighing a big decision regarding marrying her boyfriend. Then, our second caller discovers shocking texts on her ex-boyfriend's phone but still can't decide whether to take him back. Finally, wedding drama erupts when our third caller considers uninviting her fiancé's sister from the big day. Subscribe for more dating advice, relationship drama, and unfiltered Ask Nick calls every week. "Choose the path of least resistance. Don't make something that's ultimately not a big deal into a big deal." Nick is on Substack! Subscribe here: https://nickviall.substack.com/subscribe ARE YOU A MESS BECAUSE OF YOUR SITUATIONSHIP? OR JUST IN GENERAL? Email [e-mail] with all your relationship questions and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes! Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content featuring updates from your favorite callers? Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + HERE: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/ Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Ritual: Don't settle for less than evidence-based support. Save 25% on your first month at https://ritual.com/viall Article: Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. Naturium: Give your skin the affordable, luxurious glow up it deserves. Go to https://naturium.com/viall for 10% off your first purchase today. CashApp: For a limited time, new Cash App customers who are parents can use our exclusive referral code [FAMILY10] to earn $10. Download Cash App, enter the referral code in your profile, send $5 to a friend within 14 days, and you will receive $10. Terms apply. Firstleaf: Stop settling for wines that don't quite hit the mark. Head to https://tryfirstleaf.com/viall to sign up and you'll get fifty percent off your first box PLUS free shipping for an entire year. **To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles Timestamps: 00:00 - Caller One 37:28 - Caller Two 1:03:45 - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @baybaeee

Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I am Stacy. I'm 20 years old and I am wondering if I should marry my boyfriend so that he can get a green card. Okay. You're really going to have to convince me. Not going on there. Yeah. Well, you're only 20. I don't know. I was like the first thought. Tell me about the situation. So I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. I met him last June. He was working. in Colorado for the summer. He's from Turkey and was here on a work visa. We began dating in July and kind of hit it off right off the bat. September rolls along. I go back for school.

And he ends up overstaying his work visa expiration date. And the talk came up of eventually getting married so that he could stay. Who brought it up? Him, but obviously, like, you know, there was a mutual kind of, okay, what do we do now? You like them, so there's that. I do. I do. This is a first boyfriend for me.

First, like, official boyfriend. I've had, I've gone through all the situation chips, but I feel like that might be a small part I should mention as well. I mean, it's definitely a part. First boyfriend for me. But on the list of. First like a fish. Reasons why not too.

Mm-hmm. You know, maybe it's in the top five. But, you know. What are your, what's your family? That might. I brought it up to my mom. And my mom obviously is like, no, do not do this. Like, she, she wants to support me in the best way she can.

And she knows that I really do love and cherish my relationship with him. But at the same time, you know, I'm her first daughter. So she does not want me. getting married at 20 years old. Yeah, yeah. She wants to support me in the best way she... Certainly you would miss him. Mm-hmm.

If he had to go back, but why would you want to do this? So the thing is, since he kind of has passed that deadline, if he were to go back home, he cannot come back is one of the main big things. He has had friends that have come here and they just cannot come back. there's like a two year weight kind of thing. And then even after that, it would be really hard for him to come back. And so there's a two year wait or you can never come back. It's a two year.

I know for sure there is a two year rule after you do come on the work visa. There's a two year wait. But they're kind of stingy with how they let people in and who they choose to let people in. So if they see that like he's come here before, they're typically going to pick someone or like let more people in that have not been in before. Gotcha. So not impossible, but I understand difficult. What are the reasons to marry him?

He's done a lot for me outside of just like in our relationship. I was without a car for quite a lot of time. And he literally just let me have his car. He drove it down to me and literally just let me have it. He's done a lot for me in other areas too, where it's like I don't necessarily go, you know, I don't necessarily like to go out and brag about things. But he's, I do really love him and I do see a genuine future with him. And so I feel like for me in my head, it's like, okay, all I have to do is go sign a paper.

And then if we don't want to keep the marriage status, then we can divorce. I mean, yeah. I guess. How can I be helpful? I mean, I think, I mean, I can tell you, I don't think you should do it. I can tell, you know, do you want me to explain all the reasons why? You know, but I imagine you had, you anticipated me suggesting that. Yeah, yeah, maybe a little bit. The thing I'm stuck between is I feel like I'm going to regret either way. Like, we've talked about it a bunch of times, and I feel like going both ways, like if I don't, I know, I have a feeling. that I'm going to regret it and I'm going to be like, but like our relationship was so good.

Like I feel like I'm looking for reasons not to because as of right now, it seems so simple to me. It's as it's just signing a paper. Great. Well, let me help you give you reasons not to. Well, like, listen, the biggest thing is you're only 20 years old. And the difficult part for you, I mean, without, you know, and I'm sure the challenge your mom has and your parents have, or anyone else, you know, is in the challenge I'll have, like, as my daughters get older, like, how do you change, how do you teach perspective? You know, you know, you're 20 years old,

today is the oldest you have ever been. You know, you've never felt this old today. And when you're 90, it'll be the same. It'll be like, oh, well, I wish I was 80 again. You know, there's a, there's a limited amount of perspective that you have. Like, I could sit there and tell you, boy, just go away until you get older, but, like, it's, you know, it's just harder for you to conceptualize. There's something I think about a lot, a lot. You know, I'm 45 years old. I'm married. I got a kid. I got two kids on the way. I, you know, now and I have been together for, I've known her for seven years. It blows my mind when I think about it, you know, because time does go fast. You know, my first girlfriend, I met when I was 18. You know, we had one of those, like,

typical, like, first love relationships, and we got together and we broke up a bunch of times. She was in my life for seven years. But I met her at 18. We broke up, finally broke up when I was 25. She was such like a huge part of my life in that period. I mean, like, truly. Like, I mean, it's kind of almost embarrassing when I think about it. But like with all the toxicity in that relationship,

there was just a lot of like emotional highs and lows. And it was just like she consumed the vast majority of like my emotional energy. This person is a fever dream in my life today. Like they're a distant memory. Like she at one point was like this, she was my kind of my whole life, you know, I mean, and very close with my family. Like, I mean, we were very, you know, we were together for seven years. And now, now I don't like, I don't know, I don't know anything about her, you know.

And it's kind of crazy. I always, like as I get older, that always like, you know, kind of blows my mind. mind sometimes where I just have these memories of a of a different life you know I you know I you'll be able to reinvent yourself you know you just have so much life in front of you that you can't you don't even know what that's going to look like I remember I remember being 18 is my freshman year of college and you know like a lot of college freshmen I was a little homesick and I met my my my then first girlfriend like right before college, right? So I met her in the summer before college and I was looking love and I just like all I like all I my first freshman year of college, all I did was miss

my girlfriend. That's that was the majority of my freshman year was missing my girlfriend because she didn't go to the same college as me. And I was so kind of just like love struck that I remember like I wanted to quit college. I want like her dad was in construction. I was like I'll just be a handyman. you know like I just like I I was convinced that that's all I wanted to do and then went once and then we broke up and then I you know her grand father was a team and this is nuts but her her her like her grandfather was a teacher and she was like she just break up with me for reasons and I was always trying to figure out how to get her back I had convinced myself that I want to go back and be a teacher like I was like serious I like I convinced my parents um and I was pretty

dead set out of it um and then finally I realized I was too much motivated to be a teacher. Listening to you at this stage of your life at 20 years old, thinking about making this very serious decision. Now, you're right, people can get divorced, you know, and I certainly know people who have made similar decisions to the one you're considering making. And, you know, sometimes it just like, is it a, you know, it seemed like it was as simple as maybe you are hoping it would be if it doesn't work out. Like, well, sign of paper, get divorced or whatever. But you're just putting an immense amount of trust in someone that, like, you're still getting to know, right? Now, to like, count, you know, the biggest reason

why, if I'm sitting here and I had like 30 seconds to be, can try to convince you not to do it, would be like, it's your decision tree, I guess, is a little hypocritical. And what I mean by that is, like you're talking about marriage you're talking you're like and in part of you're like I can't think of a reason not to do it and you're also like thinking I feel like damned if I do damned if I don't I'm going to regret it either way but I think that's a little inaccurate because I think you have to what will the regret look like you know so to speak and what's the best and worst case scenario of either I would argue to you that if this is and this is where you'll probably be resistant to receiving and a little stubborn, you know, I would be if I were in your shoes.

It's one of those things like, you know, you've, you know, if you, if you, you know, set it free, if whatever, I don't know what the saying is. But the point is, like, if this is, if this relationship is as strong as you think it might be and you hope that it is, then you guys will make it work. And if he is really all about you, he'll figure it out. You know, people have done more than, than what is potentially in front of them to make a relationship that was truly meaningful to them to work. And if he really loves you, and if you really are worth spending the rest of your life with, he'll make it work. He'll go to Turkey. He'll figure it out. I understand two years is not ideal. I understand there's no guarantees after two years, but I bet he can figure it out.

And I think right now he's in a situation where he's pitching you, he's selling you. And you, you really, he and you truly couldn't possibly figure out how it's like honestly in a weird way you guys are kind of like you're on the bachelor right now you know what I mean by that is I remember on my first time I went on the bachelor and I remember going in very kind of skeptical be like all right I'm going to go for the experience and I don't know what this is going to be like but then once I showed up I was like I'm here so I'll just kind of immerse myself in this kind of social experiment and all this kind of let myself, I'll go with it. I was attracted to her.

And then, you know, we had some chemistry. And wouldn't, you know, we hit it off pretty fast. And I remember talking to a producer when they were, like, checking in and asking how I was feeling and I was, you know, and I was self-aware enough to know that I was, you know, I'm very competitive, you know, and this is an environment where you're competing with like 20 some other people. And I remember being like, I couldn't tell the difference of like how much of was, was, what was it more of my competitive side? Was it the atmosphere? Was this controlled environment that was really

causing me to feel what I feel? Or was it these truly authentic feelings in this kind of like our compatibility, our chemistry, whatever it was? And I truly couldn't tell the difference because I was in such this kind of crazy situation. And you guys are in this crazy situation. And I no doubt you guys like each other. And no doubt there's some real love and mutual interest there. But he is literally fighting in a way for his like if he wants to stay here and he doesn't want to go back to turkey and i don't know what it's like in turkey and you know and and you know in some of those situations real desperation could set it and he could be convincing himself of how he feels so that he can convince you it's not even necessarily Machiavellian or you know like you know

manipulative in a way that's like you know he's really you know it could be all feeling and and completely genuine from his part. But he has, he needs to make this work, you know. And so it's, it would be almost impossible for him to truly know the authentic, authenticity of his feelings. And you as well. And I think that's just a huge risk on your part to bet on a relationship at a person that like who, who, who, who, who, who's in a situation where it's hard for them.

to be to know how authentic they're being you know marriage can be very difficult to get out of and it can be very devastating and and and also just breakups in general can be devastating and you know um you know i would just hate for you to make such a big decision that can truly change your life forever so when i say like the pros and cons the best and worst case for either if you don't marry him and he goes back to Turkey, from what I can gather, the worst case scenario is you never see him again. I would argue that for that worst case scenario situation to happen, he, you two would have to give up on each other. If this man truly wanted to make it work and he got this far, you got here, met you, he seems like a hard worker, if you're worth it, he'll find a way. So the worst case scenario of him moving back of you not seen together,

I think has more to do with you guys giving up on each other and less to do with like, you know, the country of Turkey or the United States of America is going to like stand in your way of love. On the flip side, you marry him. The worst case scenario is, man, there's a lot of them, you know, like he's not who he says he was, you know, like or, and not to get all like, But more importantly, it's just like he is this person, but like you still don't know entirely who he is. And also like, how old is he by the way? He is going to be turning 20 here. So he's also incredibly young, you know? And so like you both just have a lot of life to live. I think there's just a lot of unknown possibilities in both of your lives that make the two of you working out that much more difficult. You know, and then it. What if you guys had kids together or whatever? It's just like, if this doesn't work out, this could make the next 10, 15 years of your life really difficult, really emotionally challenging. Yeah.

As opposed to like, you know, he moves back to his herky. You guys keep in touch. You have this like long distance boyfriend. You miss them a lot. You're sad. You don't get to see him physically, you know, obviously FaceTime. But then like things get weird or he gets distant or you. meet someone or he meets someone and then you know you'll you'll have to go through like a

breakup and that will suck and it'll be difficult to get over but that will be like you know that'll take you six to 12 months tops you know and then you'll and then you'll move on you just will it'll you you just factually will and then two years later almost certainly you'll look back and you'll be like do you remember when i almost got married to that guy from turkey and you'll be like holy shit that's crazy like you just you just will you know like you even if he's the greatest guy ever if it doesn't work out it's you just you just will like there's and your feelings can change on a dime and his feelings can change on a dime it's just like you have so much life in front of you that it's hard not to like be you know um to to explore new ideas and things and have it really change your perspective and this would

really limit you. I've been doing a lot of talking. What are your thoughts? What about what, what about anything I said connects with you? I definitely agree with like limiting my like rest of my life. I've definitely had that feeling too. The issue with not getting married is I don't think he would go back. I think he would stay here and that would make things hard for me is knowing that he's still here and that he's like I think it would be actually easier for me if he if I knew for sure he was just going to go back and I would never see him again if you don't marry him then what happens next he stays in the United States but what about what about the two of you I think he would try to pursue other ways to stay I mean that's got to be your answer he his motivation

his top priority right now is not you it is staying here and you can be a priority. And again, that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or love you. And it doesn't mean you're not his first choice. But you're not as top priority. It would be a while, you would be literally betting against yourself. And you would be betting in your life would be the pot. And I just think, listen, I get, the thing I'm going to struggle with the most with

my daughters as they get older is just to try to like, and it's the thing that's hardest to teach is again perspective. Like I wish I could just like reach through the screen and like put my like some kind of like wizard and put like my hands over your head and like you would like have the type of like perspective of I have gained over the years. I think that's what teaches people that is this the real like the when I talked about like the memories I have that that like I had this whole life. And I remember these insane emotional highs and lows from that life. Moments of like, I can't go on or, you know, just like feeling intensely strong about this person and this relationship.

Only for them to be a distant memory. It's like it's almost a fever dream. And I think about just friends I've made and, you know, if I married that girl, I mean, I literally am not sitting here today. You know, my life is completely different. I, you know, I don't go on TV. I don't, you know, I don't, you know, like, I would not be able to have accomplished so many of the dreams I've been able to accomplish if I had done that.

I had to wait until I was 33 before like some crazy shit happened where I got a phone call and someone's like, hey, you want to go on this TV show and blah, blah, blah, blah, and like, you know, and listen, I'm not saying you sit around and wait for some crazy things to happen, but like so much about your life and so much about my success and happiness in life has been my ability to show restraint and to, as someone who's not a patient person to practice a little patience and to think about things long term. And if I, you know, another bit of advice I wish I could hope I could teach my daughters is to like, in your decision tree of life, especially when you're younger, I think it's harder to think long term.

And I think most people have a hard time thinking long term when they know exactly what they want in the short term. What you want is him and you want to feel that security of not missing him and losing him. That's all you really want right now if he wasn't from Turkey. Like you would, you would be like thrilled with the boyfriend status. The better you get and you will, we always get better and that comes with perspective but the better you can get it's just like considering what what your decisions today how they can affect you long term and and and and taking those seriously and recognizing that I don't know like five years seems like a forever from now but I it will come and when it does I want to I want to be as I want to be even happier than than I am today

if you can get good at that, it'll, it'll, it'll help you in life so much because so many people just struggle with that, you know, I tell like people I know, or like, your decisions matter. Yeah. So much of people in life are like, well, if it's meant to be, you know, everything happens for a reason, pray on it, and not to discount people's faith, but even for the religious people out there, at least the Christians, you're told to believe in free. you will. And the greatest gift we're told as Christians is that God gave us the ability to choose. And some choices work out and some don't, you know. And hopefully the ones that you make that

don't work out, you're willing to learn from them. And then you can say things like everything happens for a reason, mostly because you were willing to learn. But we make choices that suck and they're hurtful to us and our people around us. And I think the better you can get at just knowing that, just be like, listen, my decisions matter. I'm going to make good choices. I'm going to make bad choices. I'm going to have to live with some of those consequences of the bad choices. Hopefully I learn, but like, but my choices matter. I'm not just making choices knowing that like, you know, destiny will take care of the rest. The fact that you can confidently say that if, if you don't marry him, he's going to most certainly stay in the States. And as much as he might like you

and love you, he is going to try to find another woman to marry is all the information you need to know. Yeah. You have everything in front of you. Yeah. And you don't know what you're, you don't even know what you're risking. I couldn't even have imagined at 20 years old that 13 years later, after I had thought that I had put a whole like decade of effort and work into my professional career, that I would completely change my life and completely changed my career and just like, just it was almost like two different lives.

And I couldn't even know, I literally couldn't have imagined it. And I wouldn't even know what I'm saying no to or saying yes to, you know. Think of your wildest dream and consider the possibility that this decision would cost you that. Yeah, I feel like what just makes it so hard for me is like. You're going to feel heartbroken. Yeah. I mean, that's what sucks. You know that if you make this, that's, you know, this is like truly, this is like, this is literally like a watershed, like at a watershed mill. I don't even know what the definition is. Not only could you be making a, like, a very difficult decision that's going to make you sad, but you making that decision, knowing that it's what's best for you long term is going to be such a great lesson for you. I can't even explain it. And I hope that you make it for yourself. Because that's kind of my point. You're right. If you make the right decision in the short run,

it's going to hurt and it's going to feel like the wrong decision and it's going to be heartbreaking and you're going to be really sad and it's going to tear you apart and to do your point knowing in your gut that he's probably not going to leave you to stick around you anticipate having to do the whole like do i watch his instagram stories do i not you know like i'm going to drive myself crazy wondering what he's doing and should am i'm not going to be regretting my choice and would it just be easier to you know that's how you're thinking right now i could just sign a man marriage certificate and all my short-term problems and worries and concerns will go away. I will have him. And that sounds a hell of a lot easier than six months of heartache and pain. But you'd be

trading six months of heartache and pain for a lifetime of possibility and the possibility of all your wildest dreams coming true. Yeah, it's just, it will be sad. And like, I'm aware that I'm doing the most that I can to avoid that, but I am just not doing a good job. You know, every other day, I'm just like, well, what if things can be okay? And what if it ends really good? And then, you know, obviously, what if it ends really bad? And so I'm just in between that every other day. What do you mean? What do you mean by the ends good or bad? What if we do just get married? And then I can do that for him and then like it's hard for me because I know like things that are going on back home too and so I know that like me doing this would change his life ultimately like I don't know in a way

I almost feel like I not that I owe it to him but I want to I want to be able to do that for him because I know he's done so much for me too yeah definitely not the same letting him use your car letting you use his car is not the same as you sacrificing your entire future. Yeah. And you also don't owe him anything. What you have here is an opportunity to be kind of a hero, and that feels really good, you know, and that is also a driving force that you have to consider, that you, like, you're given this opportunity to feel really good about doing something really significant for someone

you care about. And that's potentially also a great feeling. You'll have more of those, you know, that cost you less. Yeah. You're going to have to make this decision. And this is the challenge that you have. With everything inside you telling you that you should sign that paper, because you know how it's going to make you feel in that moment. And you might be a little scared.

You might have a little bit of like, what did I do? But you'll ultimately be like, I have him and I'm happy. and any like fears or like concerns you have you will quickly just kind of like tuck away because in that moment you will be you will both be so high on we have each other he's like i got i get to stay if you don't marry him you know that you know the feeling you're going to feel right away which is probably heartbreak and sadness and pain and whatever whatever good is going to come out of the decision that deep down you know is probably the right one, you're going to have to wait for that. And you're not going to have, you don't know

what that's going to look like. And that could be years away. And to make it even worse, you'll still have to deal with those sadness and heartbreak and pain. And that's, that's the challenge that is making decisions for the long term. And the people who are good at that have, have better lives. They just do. You know, maybe this is my like analytical math brain. But the more good decisions you make, your life's going to be better than if you make more bad decisions. And a good decision can still not turn out, but when you make decisions based off of thinking more long-term and avoiding the short-term gratification, when you consider that more often than not, you're making a healthier and better decision for yourself.

Like I was saying, it's just my brain can't comprehend like what. could go wrong essentially. I'm like, okay, like, if we sign a pre-up, like, he's had friends that have gotten citizenship within three months after getting married. And so it's just like, all I have to do is sign a paper. We can keep our finances separate. Whenever he gets his citizenship, we can get divorced. If it doesn't end up working out, we can break up. And that would be me changing like everything for him essentially and I just at what cost for me would that take away you don't know the cost you don't know the cost yeah it could literally be like money it could be like it could be five million dollars you know something could happen in five years and you could be in a

position where whether some kind of job or like some i don't know i'm making crazy shit up you're going to have to make this decision knowing that your body is telling you one thing in your heart, but you know deep down while you don't know why or what, like what you're getting in replace of that because you know you're only going to get sadness right away, you're going to have to make that decision knowing that it's the best decision, but you don't have the answers as to why it's going to be the best decision. and that is the challenge of life and that is the that is the biggest challenge people in your shoes and people at your age that's that's the biggest challenge and if you can make that decision now in

your life and you can feel generally good about it I promise you your your life will will count better than if you if you if you don't get good at these decisions then listen if you marry them I'm not saying your life's over by any stretch of in the imagination. Who knows? Like, it, it, you guys could be married forever and have a family together. It'd be great, you know, possible. And you could, like, date and get married and get divorced or and in the short run, be like, well, that painless, I don't know. But, like, who knows? Who knows how, who, how, you know, meet a guy five years later. And he's like, wait, you were married and why? And, like, I don't know. And, like, you know, maybe if he's, it's just like,

you just don't know how what kind of complications it can have on your life yeah and i feel like that's probably the hardest part for me is just the not knowing most importantly he you are not as number one priority and you know that it's understandable it's okay he's you know probably fighting for what he thinks is like survival or whatever but you can't marry a guy who's you're not you know like second lesson i hope you whatever happens with it this guy, assuming you don't marry him. Don't marry someone if you know you're not the number one priority. I would almost argue that I was originally when we first started dating because he didn't he did not end up planning to stay. And then, you know, we got together and then things kind of just

fell into place. But I definitely feel like now. I don't believe that. I don't believe that. I don't know. I'm not saying, well, again, only because you're just like, well, if I don't marry him, he's gonna find someone else. So it's not like, so which one is it? Was it being in the United States or whatever is going on in Turkey that actually made him so committed to making sure he can stay here or falling in love with you made him what fall in love with United States but he's also not willing to just make it work with you.

Like he could stay here and still date you. you know like he could date he could be like all right well you know staying here is a risk you know they could catch me they could send me back that's all possible yeah but i know i love you and i want to be with you so let's just be together and you know and then i don't know two years from now maybe you know they don't send me back and we've known each other for two more years and we're still in love and maybe that's a different decision but you don't even think he's going to do that so it doesn't make it logically doesn't make you know like i'm not trying to take anything away from you I think he really likes you.

I'm sure he does. I think he cares about you, no doubt. But, you know, there's a lot on his plate right now, and there's a lot on both your plates. And that's kind of the point is we can sit there and debate and second guess, and we can be like, oh, well, but like neither of you really know how important this relationship is to both of you

and how strong it is and how much it's worth giving up because you have too much on your plate and other things to consider. And it's, again, it's like me trying to figure out how in love I was while filming The Bachelor. It's just like, you know, there's a lot of things causing you guys to feel how you're feeling that have nothing to do with how you guys are going to work out. I guess I feel like, and I should have mentioned this before, but he has said before, too, he just wants clarity almost.

He just wants an answer. He said he'd be, like he said if you don't want to get. If you don't want to do this right now, that's fine. We can wait two or three years, but he just wants an answer. He wants to know if he can stay and pursue this, or if he needs to figure out a different plan, whether that's going back or whatever he chooses to do. I think all you could practically say is, listen, I, you know, it sounds like you love him. I love you.

I care about you. I'm also just not crazy. I, we just, we also, like, haven't been dating that. But yeah, I'm obsessed with you. I love you. I want to make this work, but I can't marry you. And I hope you stay on it. I don't want to make, I don't want you to make decisions that put you at risk.

But yeah, personally, I hope you stay. And I want to keep dating. And I want to see where it goes. I can't promise you how either of us are going to feel in two years. But yeah, like, I'm crazy about you. And right now, I hope that, you know, that you're my person. But I don't know that you are. And that's all you can say.

and that should be enough for him. Yeah. And if it's not, and it probably won't. And if it's not, that tells you, again, that his objectives, his priorities aren't with you in this relationship. I really appreciate your input. It definitely has put some other things into perspective for me, especially like saying like what it could be missing out on.

That definitely plays a big part. You should, I mean, again, the only correct way for you to try to visualize it is to just list five of your wildest dreams and be like, I'm going to have to give some of these up to marry him. You will survive this. It'll be sad. You know? And if he's really, if this relationship and you are really worth it to him, he'll make it work. Yeah. And I think more than anything, you've got to trust that. Don't do the thing that so many of us do. which is to discount your worth and what you bring to the table

and make concessions for a person or a relationship who's not willing to make those same for you. And I'm glad he let you use his car. That was very nice of him. It is not the same. Yeah. And who knows? It could still work out with him.

But the fact that you in your gut feel like it's not going to work out if you say no should be your answer. And that's the challenging part. I just feel like even if I say no then, I like, I want, to like, I can't, I struggle with letting go and I want to, like, I care about him and I want him to, even if we don't end up getting married and he decides to go back home, like, I want to be there

to help him. I want to help him figure things out. Yeah, that's nice, but like part of you wanting to do that is just to keep him close. If he needs an answer, you should give him the answer. I hope you give him a no answer. But the rest of how things are going to play out, just let it play out. you know you don't really know how things are going to go he certainly doesn't know but just don't sacrifice your future it's not worth it yeah thank you all right all right yeah take care okay thank you let us know what you decide yep all right thank you thanks for bye bye what's up everybody don't forget that all vile files plus content is ad free plus for all you ask unique listeners out there your update specials are ready and waiting for you i know you are very very

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And so, you know, you get invited to a friend's house. It's always nice to bring a bottle of wine. It always saves us the unnecessary trip to the liquor store or the wines or the grocery store to get something. It just makes life that much more convenient. Stop settling for wines that don't quite hit the mark. head to try first leaf.com slash v i a l to sign up and you'll get 50% off your first box plus free shipping for an entire year that's t r f i r s t l e a f i f i f r t r s t l a f r t r t live dot com slash v i a l l how's it going hi i am chelsey i'm 25 and i'm considering getting back with my sex addicted ex-boyfriend um okay well let's

Let's figure it out. I could give you like the whole backstory. Well, let's just start with, you know, just your sentence. I think I'm, I'm considering getting back together

with my sex addicted ex-boyfriend. That's a loaded sentence. There's a lot in there. So I'm assuming when you say sex addicted, that is your, he's cheated on you, yeah? We dated for eight months

and I found a text message in his phone that he was seeking out hookups with another man. Okay. Behind my back. And so I found the message in his phone, and I left. And I was like, I'm done. You know, I didn't even speak to him whenever I saw it.

I left. And then I ended up texting him later and said, You're hiding who you are. I can't be with you. cheating is not okay in any instance. And he responded and was like, I'm sorry. And then he checked himself into therapy like the next day, started going to therapy.

And what do you mean, checked himself into therapy? He got a therapist or he went to? Yeah, he immediately got a therapist. Okay. That sounds like he checked himself into like some sort of facility. Like he just got a therapist. Yes, he got a therapist like the next day. I didn't speak with him or anything for two weeks.

And then he ended up texting me like, can we talk? And so we ended up talking. He came over and we just spoke and basically come to find out he had this porn addiction that I had no idea about. He was watching porn like every night. that we worked together. Like what do you mean? Like he would watch it and masturbate and be done? Or he was like, he's going on like, you know, porn marathons?

No, just that. Like he would watch it and be done. I mean, like, listen, I definitely think like, you know, there's a whole conversation about like the porn industry how readily it's available to everyone and especially young people. And it definitely, I think, has a lot of negative consequences on our psyche. And this is not necessarily a great thing. But I think, you know, a lot of guys out there who are watching porn on some, like,

on, on, on, on that level of consistency, which is, like, ultimately, like, use it as a visual stimulant if they're masturbating and what are there, and whether they're in or out of a relationship, like, masturbation is a fairly, like, common thing. Just people do, especially young men, which is all to say, it is, it just kind of sounds like from the little bit you've already told me, and I'm happy to hear more, that he is still processing who he is and what's going on.

And he is coming up with other things that sound easier for him to accept than maybe whatever the truth is. You know, it's like, I have a porn addiction. I don't, maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. I don't know, but like, I guess does it, you know, I don't know of him masturbating to help some porn every night. I don't think that made him go online and seek the companionship of another person, let

along a man. You know, like, so is he confused about a sexuality? Is he figuring that out? Is he bisexual? Is he gay? So I can give you more background because I know a little bit more now. I actually talked to him earlier this week. But he started going to therapy and he basically rediscovered these traumas that happened

to him as a child and things that should happen to. no child. And I don't want to get like too much into it because it's not really my story to tell. But he had like compartmentalized these things that happened to him. And he never, he never spoke about it to anyone. He kind of just kept it in. He didn't tell, you know, his parents when something bad happened to him. And so now he's like, he's never really been like vulnerable about this stuff. And so now he's like telling anyone and everyone. He's telling his friends. He's telling his parents. He's going to therapy. And like, he's doing all these. things and so for me it's like our relationship so before this like our relationship was very good like he

was my best friend we were having so much fun together we had never really been in like through anything hard we were just it was like it really was sunshine and rainbows and we we dated for eight months and then I found the messages and then that was like it but um like there was never really anything bad about our relationship. There's so much, like, we have so much love for each other. And even, I've, I've spoken to him twice since I found the messages. And the first one, he was like, I'm checking myself in a therapy. I really need help. Like, this is really bad that I'm just living like this. And now I know I have a problem because I've hurt you and I like hurt the people that I love. And I didn't even know I had a problem. But now that I'm speaking about it, I know that like there's a plan and like a path forward for

me to get through all this shit. I'm, I'm kind of at a point where I really am just going back and forth, okay, well, he's like my person and we love each other so much and we have so much fun together and I can't see myself really with anyone else. And it's been about two months since all, since like the initial breakup. So it's only been two months. And how long did you date before? How long did you date? Eight months. Okay. So it's all, it's all just new. So I'm kind of out of point where I kind of am feeling like I don't know what to do whether it's to see if like maybe the therapy can help him and like you know he's never addressed these issues before but it's like some dark heavy shit like it's a dark stuff I can only I can only imagine and just trying to

imagine what it could be I have a ton of empathy for him and it sounds like yeah and I'm also like grateful that he is acknowledged that he just needs to do some work. And him doing that will probably save him in a lot of meaningful ways. So I am grateful that he is open to that and willing to do that. The fact that he's doing that is, I'm sure, encouraging for you to see him do that. And I'm sure, to whatever a part, like you said, who loves him and cares about him as a person feels like that's a pathway for you for forgiveness. And I imagine that you're thinking, okay, if he stays the course there and gets, it does the work that like the challenge you're having right now, I assume, you know, that inside you know that the catching him messaging another man and, and whatever happened

there to cause you to break up, you now know that you are capable of forgiving him and you are capable of letting that go. You have processed that. You have gotten the necessary information from him that help explain it to the extent of you being like, you know, that sucks, that hurt me. But like, I can, I can process that. I can forgive it. I can move on. But I just can't have it happen again. And I don't want to be lied to. And I don't want to live in confusion territory. And I don't want to be looking over my shoulder wondering if you're doing it again. And the fact, you know, and there's this path for you to, like, be with him, assuming he continues to do the work, you know,

and that's very enticing for someone who cares about someone the way you seem to care about him, you know, but like, you know, you're not engaged, you're not married, you don't have, you're not even together. My advice to you would be, you know, let it play out. You know, it's like you have no reason to have to be with him in this moment other than you want to, which makes sense. You know, there's no, let's say this happened.

happened after you just got pregnant. You're three months pregnant. He's the father. You check the phone. You find this. It's devastating. And you're like, oh, my God. Like, I'm like, I'm carrying his baby. What do? Like, say you were married. Let's say you were even engaged. You were like, maybe it wasn't as heavy as like being, you know, a mom that, but you had done nine months of wedding planning. You had spent tens of thousands of dollars. And even then, like I would, you could definitely, the most pragmatic answer would be like maybe just wait. But it would be at least understandable at that point for you to want to be like to muscle it through to take that risk based off of the fact that like at least I'm not crazy.

It's still risky. But he is in therapy. He has addressed this. I know he's not a monster. I know he's not just some like, you know, psychopath, narcissist who doesn't care about my feelings and cheated on me and I can't trust him. Like he is a human being who's dealt with some terrible tragedy. I have empathy for him. I can forgive him. There's a path forward. Even then, like, it would be like,

okay, it kind of makes some sense. But you have no commitment to him other than your heart is a little, you know, drawn to him. So just let him do the work. You know, if he really is your person, let him do the work, let him heal, give him some time. You know, it seems like right now he's going through a lot and trying to make a relationship with you might be like more than he can handle right now, even though he might say he really wants it. And also, getting back together with you will be a distraction for him for the work he needs to do. And not having you will probably keep him motivated. You know, staying the course of where you are now will give you a lot more clarity in the next six to 12 months. Because then my fear with that is that I'm going to like get out there

and try to go on dates or something. And it's just like not going to be him. Like I'm not going to be, Well, then there you go. Well, again, I said, like, that will give you some. I'm not going to be laughing so hard. I'm crying. And then it's going to be like, oh, but I miss him. But then do you think I'm just going to be, like, settling because I'm like, oh, well, I tried all these other people.

I don't. I don't know. Go back to the one that I'm comfy with. I don't know. Because I'm not having fun with these other ones. You have to be open to, you know, that will, that's kind of the clarity I'm talking about. I can't answer that today. I don't know.

No doubt. that right now, because of how you feel about him and the intensity of your feelings, dating will be difficult. Usually when we're dating with a little bit of sadness and heartbreak and when our heart's somewhere else, then yeah, it's like usually dating is this more like an opportunity to compare the people who are not the person I want to be with. You know, time heals and like you, you know. But also like meeting the right person makes you forget about someone that you thought you could never forget about. Yeah. So you don't really know. But Also, like, yeah, if you, you know, go on, let's say you go on 30 dates this year. And it's like

you're O for 30, which is entirely possible that you can meet 30 men that you're just not that excited about. And he, and then this guy could be, you know, doing the work. And that will give you more like, at that point, it might be like, yeah, listen, like, I, he really is special, at least to me. And we really have something that I truly haven't found with 30 other guys that I've dated, you know, and not that you should, you know, dating 30 guys is a reason to like at 27 to be, like, to settle just because he had 30 bad dates. You tell him no. You're like, I can't date you right now. You've got to work on yourself. And he's like, I understand. I'm sad, but I understand. But you know what? I'm still doing the work. And you guys don't really speak for six to 12 months. You know, maybe you'd check in, but you're not really in

each other's lives. Wouldn't you feel a lot better about the possibility of considering another go with him a year and a half from now, knowing that like you really haven't been in his life, but he's still been consistent with this therapy. He's been consistent with doing the work and trying to understand and and heal his past traumas, wouldn't that make you feel better about like the possibility of a second chance having more success than like trying to do that today knowing that he's still very much not healed? And while I'm sure he wants to get better, I'm sure part of his motivation right now is to show you that he is, you know, to prove to you why you should get back together with him. Definitely. Yeah. Do you think that looks like more like us not like he said like not speaking at all or

me reaching out to him and saying like I'm I because the way that we left things is kind of like you the way that we like love things is kind of like don't like he kind of doesn't have the right to reach out to me but I have like the right to reach out to him and that's kind of how we left things like if I feel the need or the one to talk to him call him text him whatever it is go see him I imagine yeah well that's do that but yeah and that's probably him giving you a sense of security and and control that he recognizes maybe you lost when you caught him doing that. It would be easier long term for both of you and it would be more authentic. If you could do, it would be better for you long term. It just would. It would give you the clarity because if you keep in touch with him,

it'll, you know, it'll make dating harder, one, because he will definitely be more in the back of your mind. It will make it harder for him to like know why he's really doing the work. Is he doing it for himself or is he doing it to continue to prove you? And then like, even though you check in on him every two to three weeks or a month. Like there's always an update he can give you about the work he's doing. And that makes it a little, it makes a little inauthentic.

And he, whether, you know. Yeah, like a little performative. Not even intentionally. It not even like, I mean, we want to prove to people that we care about, especially ones that we hurt that we're doing the work. I don't even know if performative is the right word. It's not even insincere.

It's very sincere. It's just like it's not directed. It's not where the motivation comes from, I think is unclear. And that's even challenging for the, like, I literally use the same analogy to the caller before applies a little bit less here. The first time I went on The Bachelor, I had genuine feelings. But I was confused, but what was causing those genuine feelings because, like, is it because I'm in this competitive controlled atmosphere that makes people feel things, or do I just like her?

And it was hard for me to know the difference, even though I was aware of the two choices. I literally couldn't know. This kind of applies here, where it's just like, the more you guys stand each other's lives, the more you all will influence each other's decisions, whether you mean to or not. And right now, I am assuming you want him to do this for himself, so that ultimately, if you do choose to be with him, he can be a good partner for you. If he's only doing it for you, then it's not, it's not an authentic. It will, it will have a less, it will have less of a chance of sticking. He has to lose you completely and still want to be the best version of himself. He has to understand that his choices cost him and it potentially costed you.

Right. But he doesn't want it to cost him anyone else. And so he still wants to do the work. And he has to do the work not knowing who he can be that better person for and still want to do it. And it's a lot more authentic in that moment. I think I need to mentally like break up with him because I'm struggling to where I'm, I keep telling myself, okay, I need to move on, I need to move on.

But then there's that little thing. the back of my like mind that says well I just have to wait a year and then it'll be fine and so I need to I think I need to tell myself I don't know if you have any advice for that kind of situation because I can like see like maybe a light and a year from now and I feel like I just have my eyes on that instead of like moving on in the present moment yeah I've also been just going back and forth in my head on whether I should stick it out wait or just be fully done block them on everything and just like never look back and I think I need to like commit myself to one path forward so that I'm not like playing this back and forth all the time yeah I mean you know yourself

so that's probably the right answer I don't know if you have to block them but that's entirely up to if that's to help you control your desire to like check his stuff and but yeah listen I just think like objectively that would that's probably the smartest and healthiest choice is to right now move on. And listen, it doesn't have to be so black and white. You can be like, you know, you said you're 25. Right. You know, so like you're obviously very young. And like all you can do right now is just recognize that like you, you don't know what's in front of you. You don't know what next year is going to look like. You don't know what two years are going to look like. If I'm in your shoes, I'm making choices that are not limiting future possibilities. There's one more like

little piece of the puzzle. He's moving. And that means what to you? It means like, I think it's going to help me. But he, so he's moving for work and, you know, he told his boss certain things. He didn't tell him like a whole story. But his boss basically said, if you need a stay to get your girl, like, you could stay. Because he does a remote job. And they kind of wanted him to come back on site. And his boss said he could stay. And he told me, he, he told me, he. He's, he told me, he was like, I will stay if like, basically say the word. They say the word and I'll stay. And I was like, I don't think I'm going to say the word yet.

I don't fault him because I'm sure he's in kind of a very desperation mode a little bit. But yeah, like you don't want him. You don't want that. That's also, and I'm not saying he's doing this intentionally, but that's, it's like a power dynamic move. All of a sudden, he stays for you. And now the score's a little even. It's like right now you caught him doing this thing. and you got mad and you got hurt and you called him out and now you are in control hey it's like

I can call you you can't call me you're calling the shots no I don't think you should take advantage of that and I don't think you should stay in this dynamic just because you have like all this power and you know you're in control this relationship but the moment you like hey I stayed for you it's just like there's a feeling of he did this for me and again I just I wonder if that's going to affect his willingness to doing the work. The most selfless thing you could probably do for him is tell him no and see if he's still committed to being the best version of himself without having you in his life, knowing that there's going to be, getting you back as part of his motivation, at least in the short term. But I'm sure he wants to be a better version of himself. We need those motivations

in our life. You know, we need to be motivated, but he has to find it, he has to do it truly without any guarantees. Yeah, I think you have to say no. And you will find your way back. to each other if it's not to say it's meant to be, but you don't want him if it wouldn't happen organically in a way. I don't know. Do you think I should like reach out to him and be like, I am done or just let it. Leave it. Leave it. No, not really. I think he, we kind of left things. I was like, I don't know if I'll ever see you again. So I would just leave it alone. Yeah. If I, if you don't need to reach out to him. Listen, if you're my daughter, if you're my sister, if you're calling right now. And if you said, if you're, tell me what to do, you know, obviously I want you to make

this choice for yourself. But yes, my option for you would be to mentally move on, say goodbye to him internally into yourself. Go live your life. You can keep a door, a window open for him, you know, emotionally, but you have to let it go. And you can be open to the possibility that something might happen, but like you can't, this is not like I'm taking a break for, you know, a year with him. Yeah. Go, go live your life. Maybe it'll happen. I guess I know what to do now. I've been struggling. It's tough. Yeah. Listen, you miss them, you like them, you care about them. You're also, you probably see, you know, again, seeing him doing the work is encouraging. It also makes whatever pain he caused by catching it feel less painful to know that he is sorry and he's really

doing something about it. And that makes, you know, the whatever part, when we catch someone doing something that hurts us, there's a level of, like, it makes us feel inadequate, it makes us feel less than, it makes us feel not enough. And seeing him be sorry and doing the work kind of eliminates that. So it's kind of healing for you to see him acknowledge that. So it all makes sense. It's definitely difficult.

You know, like, I'm a sex addict and I am a porn addict. I don't know if he really knows, has he been going around having just copious amounts of sex with people unprotected? No, no. His, he spoke to a therapist and they basically said like, you're not. Because they were trying to get down to like the root of what caused him to go and seek out men. And he never, he never met up with the guy that he was, he was texting one guy while we were together. and it lasted for three days. He texted him for three days, and then he blocked him.

And he never actually met up with him. He was texting him. He basically, like, snapped out of his little moment and was, like, what am I doing? And blocked him. And he talked to, like, a few different therapists, and they basically said, like, you kind of have, like, you have a sex addiction, and we're going to, like, explore where that came from. And then he unpacked and remembered things. from like second grade that he had always just put away and blocked from his memory.

But yeah, long story short, they told him he has a sex addiction type of diagnosis. Gotcha. I think he has more work to do. Yeah. He definitely does. Yeah, he definitely does. He has some stuff to figure out. I think his journey is just beginning to kind of figure out who he is.

I mean, obviously, neither of us would have been in his therapy sessions. It would make sense that he is trying to find. find quick answers to explain why he feels how he feels about himself on the inside. And sometimes those quick answers might not be as honest as what the truth is. And it might just take some time for him to really, you know, be comfortable with that. Yeah. And then there's probably a lot of trauma and pain behind it. But it's just going to take some time for him to figure that out.

And he does say like, so I've talked to him twice and he will, he'll, he'll be like, I'm not going to pretend I'm fixed. He's like, I have a long way to go and I might be, you know, talking to a therapist forever just to make sure the upkeep stays present. I mean, I got therapy after this, you know, so. It's good for all of us through the maintenance. So listen, it's a difficult situation. To help you move forward, tell yourself that you are grateful for how you've been able to get this far with him, which is to it sucks that he hurt you. But like, you can now at least say goodbye or you have.

you've got some closure out of this, you know, you don't have to feel, it's just like how so many people feel when this stuff, this type of stuff happens to them is just like completely inadequate and heartbroken and feeling like they're not enough. You got some answers and you're kind of, you can be at peace with that. And you can like, you can put a pause on this and kind of say goodbye, at least for now with a really high opinion of him and a lot of love and, you know, which is much better than hating them. And it's much better than like feeling angry and having to process that anger and pain. So you're already kind of a few steps ahead and your kind of healing process of moving forward. And again, this, you never know. You never know. But right now it's probably best for you guys to kind

of go your separate ways. Yeah. And to help yourself out is don't be talking about this. Don't ruminate about this with friends. Updates on how you feel about him and those like what if conversations, it's natural to want to have them, but try to limit yourself from having them over and over and over and over and over, both with yourself and with friends, because that just keeps you stuck. I've definitely been talking about my feelings a lot with my friends, but I can relax in that category. It's natural, but at some point you just have to just say, you know, I've worked through them. I've talked about them with friends, with therapists, with myself. I know how I feel. Most like it's sad. Talking about it with people,

I mean, you literally kind of have to tell yourself this. You have to acknowledge that you are doing this thing that you could if you wanted to stop doing, which is to obsessively ruminate over something that you just like you miss. And when we, and that's the easiest way to keep things close to us, the things that we can't have is to at least think about them and talk about them because at least that's some version of the thing that we miss the most, which is a relationship with him. So you just have to actively recognize that you're doing it and try to stop it,

which, you know, it's difficult. It takes practice, but you can do it. I know I can do it. I've been through a similar thing in a past relationship. So I'm like, I know I can do it. I've been here before. Well, that helps. That helps. Yeah. Just general heartbreak. The first time when it happens, it sucks because you don't have a roadmap of how to get over your first heartbreak. But the second time you have heartbreak, the heartbreak is just as painful. But you have the knowledge that

this two shall pass. And that helps. And it's true. My therapist says, well, after you and the first guy broke up, he was like, it's three years later now. Do you ever think about him? And I'm like, nope. Not even a little bit. Hopefully it'll be like that again one day. If you don't get back together, it certainly will. He will be a distant memory in 10 years. Yeah. Thank you so much. All right. Thanks for the call. Keep us posted on what happens. Okay. I will. All right. Thank you. All right.

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Hi. My name is Emily in 34 and my question is, should I kick my fiance's sister out of my bridal party. Okay. Well, how did she get into your bridal party in the first place? Well, here's the thing. So I haven't done anything official with my bridal party, but I have spoken to his other sisters and I kind of committed to them that I would have her in just so that it would be

kind of, you know, not excluding someone. So I'm kind of backtracking on that. Why do you not want her in there? What is the relationship? look like? Well, there's not much of a relationship there. I would love to have her if we did have a relationship. Yeah. I think it's a huge deal to have the people that I love standing up there with me. And honestly, I'm pretty hurt by her actions, the way that she's treated me in our relationship up to this point. So you're you're hurt by her and you care about her? So you like her. You care about her.

I would love a relationship. So we, we did room together at the family beach trip last year. Is that where all the drama started? No, we had a great time. Oh, okay. We had a great time. It's just a weird situation. So I think. When did it start? Like, what happened? When I met my fiance's family, I immediately clicked with all of them. Okay.

I'm very close with his parents, his sisters, his in-laws, the brothers-in-law and We're hanging out. We're like, I'm texting his sisters all the time. They've just really made an effort to get to know me and they, we enjoy each other's company. But a lot of the times that we are spending time together, she declines to attend. And so we haven't really. And it's not just stuff that like I'm involved in. It seems to be. Excludes herself? Yeah, pretty much. I know it's, it's been hurtful to her sisters as well. Like she would have plans with her boyfriend to go to dinner on. one of their birthdays. You can go to dinner any day of the week. You know, that would hurt someone's feelings to do that. So I know it's, I don't think it's a personal thing. However, we just have not been able to. Is that your overall biggest frustration with her? Is her what feels like a lack of effort to like connect with you? No, that's hard. But what hurt me was that she chose not to attend our engagement party.

Okay. Does she get another dinner? Well, I believe it's because she's not engaged herself. But that's totally a guess on your part. I didn't believe the excuse that was given. Sure. Right. Post, you know.

You're probably right. You might not be right. It doesn't really matter. What we do know for sure is that she didn't feel like going. Right. And the fact that she centered her feelings on your day is what pisses you off. Well, and what followed that also, she did congratulate her brother. She never congratulated me.

And which is, okay. So then the next time I saw her, I thought that she would be completely fake and just be like, congratulations. You know, I was so sick. I'm so sorry. But what she actually did was she didn't acknowledge my presence in the room. Like she didn't ask to see my ring. She never said, congratulations. Like, you're becoming my sister.

You're marrying my brother. She just didn't acknowledge. And so to me, that was, I mean, she snuffed me. It was very hurtful. Okay. What else? Well, when I, you know, asked, I kind of confronted her about it that night. And she just, she wasn't willing to.

Period. She said I've had a really hard week. Yeah, yeah. I've had a really hard week. Oh, it has nothing to do with you. I love you. What else? I don't think she even wants to be in my wedding.

She probably doesn't even want to come to my vachelette party. I have no idea. But I think maybe it's, well, I don't want to make assumptions. But that's, no, that's pretty much good. That's a jist. Okay. You want my answer? Yeah.

What do you think my answer is? Don't. Don't what? Don't have her. Don't have her. No. No, I think you should have her in your party. Yeah.

Here's why. Because what I'm hearing, from you and everything all this the information is that not having her the reason why you're doing it is you're hoping it will teach her a lesson and you're hoping the uh excluding her it doesn't feel to you like she cares and that hurts and that sucks and you're trying to get her to care and you kind of want to get a reaction i think that's deep down and i don't think you should risk your wedding day to to teach someone a lesson and try to shake them up or wake them up.

And I just, as someone who, you know, had a wedding, and I'm not, I'm not a pro. I only did it once. You know,

we got there on Wednesday night. We're staying at her sister's house. We're spending some time with her sister. And on Thursday, we, you know, I was hoping to spend some time with my friends. And also the NFL draft was happening.

And so I was like, kind of hoping that, yeah, they would allow me to still participate in that. But she was like, oh, maybe like, I'll just go to my family's house and you can hang with your family.

I was like, we are not, the only thing we're, not the only thing we're doing in or not doing is we're not separating this weekend and we're doing everything together we are being a couple and like she was like oh my god yeah and but we it was our wedding we prioritized each other that's all that mattered to us we hoped that our guests had fun they had a great time but our focus was each other and i think at the end of the day you and your your fiance's focus should be each other you're not going to give a shit who is or isn't in

your wedding party that is not going to make a break your wedding it's just not it's just you're not i don't care if 10 years from now you're like, oh, that person is in a wedding photos who I'm not really close with, no one cares of shit. You know what I'm saying? It's just a story. What you don't want is to have your sister-in-law be the center of your emotional, like, energy on your wedding weekend. And if you, if you do this, you would run the risk. If you simply just accept that, like, I'm just going to have her in my wedding party because I have all his sisters in my wedding party, Honestly, she might not even come to her goddamn wedding. And at the end of the day, I don't give a shit.

I don't care. It is not going to affect my weekend. It's just not. You can make it a big deal. You can be like, oh, my God, the seating chart or I don't know, like, you can make it a big deal if you want to. But it's just not. And you run the risk of caring about a bunch of shit that has nothing to do with your wedding weekend over, you know, over, over this. This is not like a friend because this is a sister-in-law.

Again, you know, like I'm only saying this based off the information you gave me. You are having other sisters in there. You know, it's so it's like a, it's a wedding party that's family centered and things like that. So excluding her would be obvious and it would be a big deal and people would be talking about it. It would just be unnecessary drama. I hear that. Well, what I wanted to debate is it's, it's, I promise you it's not to teach her a lesson. And I think my, my, my sister, my friends.

What do you mean? because in everything you said says the opposite. I think the people that are encouraging me not to, I think maybe for them it would teach her lesson. For me, I feel that she genuinely isn't happy for me and her brother. And I feel that if I even ask her and then she rejects me, that is, if I'm hurt and I think she's going to hurt me further. That's your ego.

Fine, but you can get over that. You really can. You can choose to just say, I am only asking her to keep the peace. I don't, honestly, don't even think she's going to say yes. She might not even come. That's not why you're making the decision. You're making the decision to include her, not because you want her, but because, like,

it's for the greater good. It's because overall you are close with the family. And you do want some of his sisters in it. And those sisters are meaningful to you. And you're just doing it to, like, eliminate the drama because you're going to choose not to care. whatever the outcome is, whatever decision is, is unpredictable as she is, you're just going to accept that she's unpredictable,

but like her choices don't impact your wedding. His sister is not the center of your engagement or your wedding, but you are choosing to make her right now, and you've got to let that go. So like whatever happens, my biggest advice to you is just let this go, to not try to be right, to like not keep talking about it with your fiance,

say to not keep talking about it with me or your therapist or his sisters to just accept that she is at a stage of life where she probably isn't happy with how things are going. But like it's not your job to fix her. She's going to figure her shit out. You can certainly offer her advice if she comes to you and ask for advice, but you are making it more of your problem than you need to. You're right. I mean, it feels like a privilege.

It feels like a big deal. But I think you're right. the goal is peace and not to bring. And then I guess I would have to ask one of my sisters that I wasn't sure, you know, like. Have more. I don't know. Who cares? It's just the wedding party.

No one cares. I know. It feels like a huge deal, but maybe it's not. It's not. Your wedding, huge deal. How connected you feel to your fiancé and future husband is the only thing that matters. How much of that weekend you can focus on who you were marrying and why you are marrying them and how good you feel about that connection matters.

His sister, who is unhappy with herself right now, should not be the focus of your wedding. You should literally not be thinking about her. You should literally not care. I'm very sensitive. So I get my feelings hurt. And maybe I go back and forth. So my initial thing was, yes, I'm going to have her. And my sister and my friends are like, why the hell would she get that privilege if she treats you?

Like she doesn't care about you at all. And she probably doesn't even want to be in your wedding. And then I'll be like, you're right. I'm not. And then I go back and I'm like, no, I will. And I'm like, no, I'm not. And I think it is probably more of my ego. I don't think it's like to teach her lesson.

I think it's how she makes me feel. I mean, teach her. I just, yeah. I mean, it's. I really, I'm not a vindictive person. I don't mean it like vindictive like teach her a lesson. I just mean, you know, it's just you definitely have an expectation of a reaction that you hope to get if you tell her no. That's another thing that you run the risk of. You're like, you're worrying about asking her her telling you know and how that's going to make you feel. What happens when you, you know, if you tell her no and she's like, yeah, okay. Or you don't ask her and she doesn't care. That's going to really make you feel powerless. I'm like, I don't really, I'm like, I don't really want to start a lifelong beef,

which is kind of my point. It's just like. She probably would just never even address it with me. He said she probably just wouldn't even wouldn't acknowledge that you didn't. My advice, whatever you decide is the path of least resistance. That's all I'm saying is to not make something that's ultimately not a big deal, a big deal. And you are caring a lot about something the person the other side doesn't. And that gives her an immense amount of power in the situation.

and it makes you feel, want to invest more emotional energy into it. It's just like human nature. In any relationship we have, whatever, you know, you have a relationship with his sister, maybe not a good one, but there is a relationship. Most relationships are defined on how much both parties care about that relationship. And when a relationship is kind of off, it's usually off because one person feels like they care more than the other. And it's our instinct sometimes to make up for the lack of consideration that's coming

on the other side, which sometimes is necessary. Like, I don't know, some, you know, I hope that you and your fiance have a very wonderful and beautiful marriage, but like there may be a period in your marriage where you might have to pick up the slack and vice versa. And because you are married, that's part of like the long term ways of how marriages work out. It's not sustainable for one person to be picking up the slack over the other. But there might be periods where you look back and be like, yeah, you know, one partner has to say thank you to the other because they really were picking up some slack. So you're, you, this is, there's an equilibrium. It's off with you guys. She cares less than you. You care more. You want this relationship with her. You would like it to be nice, if nothing else civil. And you don't even know if she gives a shit about that. And it makes you, it makes you internally care more. It makes you invest more, think about it more. And the most recent piece of advice that I got was just sit down with her and tell her, like, I would like you to be, you know, in my bridal party. This is how I'm feeling about our relationship. This is what I would like. And are you open to that? I'm like, it might work.

I don't even know if you should do that. I think you should ask her if she wants to or not without any expectations. You know, like, do you want to be in my wedding party? Sure. Well, here are all the rules. Okay. The less, the less emotional energy route. I'm giving it a lot of. Listen, all I'm saying, you will increase the chances that your wedding is everything you want to be. The more you just simply care about your connection with your fiance. And the more you care about everything else, the more you're increasing your chances are less focused on your connection with your fiance.

And at the end of the day, that's all that matters. Not the DJ or the flowers or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And listen, I'm glad that our wedding was awesome. You know, but like it was awesome because, like, we were connected. And that made everything else a story. Because truly, if you guys feel connected that weekend, And it won't matter if it rains or if it pours or if there was drama with someone else. It won't matter if there's someone gotten a big fight.

It won't matter if some caterer fucked up because you will be like we, me and him, we felt connected and we had a great wedding. And you wouldn't believe this crazy thing that happened in my wedding. What a great story. I love that. But if you don't feel connected, if you do feel off, if you center most of your energy on the outside drama, then it will steal away from that connection you're supposed to make with your husband over the weekend.

and it will make those dramatic moments feel like it ruined your wedding weekend. And it will only come down to your perspective. I agree. I agree. So I don't think I thought that was what your answer was going to be, but I like it. The logic is my wedding is important, but my wedding partner is far less important. And how that looks, whether there are, I've, you know, people have no, like, Nally and I, like, you know, we ultimately had a.

fairly large wedding parties, but no one stood up at our wedding. It was just us. So wedding party sat down. And it was mostly because I had all these friends that I wanted in my wedding party. And I made that decision based on the fact that like at stages in my adult life, they were the closest men in my lives. And I had got married at those stages in my life, those, they probably would have been my best men. And so like, that's how I made that decision. And then Natalie made her decision off of my decision. And then literally the day of the wedding, you know, because I have a bunch brothers who like I didn't you know I was like well I'm not I'm gonna have my friends and just not have my family and then like my brothers are in my groomsman photo that's how much it just doesn't

fucking matter I was literally making decisions the day off because it like to keep the peace I didn't it was just like great they're my brothers are in the photo and none of the people who are in our wedding party stood up it was just you know it would they just sat down they walked down the aisle some of them walked down the aisle some of them didn't none of them stood up it doesn't matter who cares you know it's just like it's it's it's fluff. I can see that, yeah. No, no, I agree. I think that makes it easy. I need to just also just make a decision and go with it and just stop giving it so much energy. And the trick to make, when you make this decision is to not think about what you hope to feel after that decision or what

your expectations are of how she's going to react. You don't know how they react. It doesn't really matter. Do you want to be in my right party? Great. I would love to you for, you know, I'm having all the sisters in my wedding party. I'd love for you to be there. I just need to know. I just need to know whether you can commit to X, Y, or Z. And I would keep those requirements very low. Like showing up for my wedding. Like honestly would be it. Okay. I got it. And like, you know, buying the dress, you know, that's, you know, of whatever the dress code is. And you can say, listen, and not in a condescending confrontational way, you can also. give her the out. You can say, listen, I also like if you if you don't want to for any reason,

like, you know, it's also totally okay. I'd love for you to be there, but like no expectations. I'm chilly either way. I see what she said. It just goes so against my nature. Like I like to have everything out in the open. I like I want it to, I want to like get to the bottom of this. That's what I want. But that's not in my control. So a lot of things in our nature are not what's best for us, you know, sometimes going against that. it's growth and it's emotional maturity and it's you know it's helping you helping your happiness long term you get to choose what to care about and right now I feel like you're caring about some like the wrong thing okay and the last thing you want is to have this sister actually feel like it

ruined your wedding and she can but it will mostly be based off of how much energy you put into this no I like what you said no one's actually no one's ever no one's ever actually had their wedding ruined by a person. They had it ruined by their choice to prioritize that over just the connection. Yeah. I like what you said about that. That that's the most important part of our weekend is the connection to each other. And I think that's the easy part. So just do that. Just focus on it. You'll have plenty of opportunities to mend fences with the sister. I don't think you should use your wedding to do it. I don't know that the conversation will really happen. If there's not some. I mean, you know, the good thing is you're marrying him. They're related. They're

brother and sister. This isn't some friend that you have to worry about just like, you know, fading away. For better or worse, you are stuck with this sister, you know. And if this marriage goes away, I assume you hope it is, which is forever, you'll have plenty of opportunities to butt heads with this sister and have the talks and pull her aside at whatever family holiday, whatever and write a letter, you know, and tell her how you, you'll have some, you'll have unlimited chances to mend fences with her. I just don't think your wedding should be the one to be the time to fight that battle. This is the universe, God, however you want, like trying to, you clearly have a hard time with this. This is something that will serve you well, maybe even in your marriage,

to let shit go. That ultimately doesn't matter. Yeah, that is something I'm working. Yeah, I give a lot of energy to, you know, unrest in relationships. And that's what this feels are, you know, like I'm the one who has a lack of peace. I don't know how she feels. And that comes from you, though. That's the thing you really have to understand is you really clearly give so much of your energy and power to people who you care about or you want something from. But like you aren't willing to just accept the now and let things play out. you know i i imagine and a lot of aspects of your life you are you you can control you know you

like to be in control you like things in control and you're probably very reliable you're probably a very reliable partner you're probably very reliable friend you you probably expect reliability with the people that you all allowing your life and when you don't have that it like throws you off and you don't have that here and it's because it you know it's the sister you know it's like she's she's in your life not because you've chosen, but because of like she was born. And that is hard for you to control. Yeah, you put the nail on the head. And now I'm starting to think more and more about it. And I'm like, maybe admitting to myself a little bit that it is a little bit more of like teaching her lesson. Because I'm hurt. And I'm like, if you want to be my bridal party, like, you need to be my sister.

You need to care about me. You need to like tell me that you're happy. I'm going to be your sister. Like, are you happy I'm joining your family? And you're right, I don't need that. Maybe it's just not as big of a deal as I'm making it to be in my head and my heart. That's right. Yeah, I mean. Let that shit go. You have you the rest of your life to mend fences with her.

I'll take your advice. Okay. Well, hopefully this is helpful. Hopefully she accepts. Or not. Who cares? You're only saying that because if she does, it, you know that emotionally you're going to have to process that. It's just, who cares?

I have to get that tattooed on my hand. I mean, the answer to who cares is only, only you, literally, only you. And yet, when we, when we care about things that in reality, no one else does, we want to, we want to think that everyone cares, which is why you get the opinion of her other sisters, you know, and certainly they're going to care for you. They're going to, like, give you advice, but what you want them is to care as much as you care, which is why, like, when we go through heartbreak or disappointment, we rally the troops, you know, it's like we, we feel crazy because the thing we care about so much, the other person doesn't care. That makes us feel crazy because it's like, why do I care so much about something someone else should care as much as I do? So then we go around and we're like,

we're like, can you believe this? Can you believe that? Can you do that? And we're hoping everyone else is like, yeah, no, I can't believe it. They're the crazy one. You're not crazy. You just have to accept that, you know, what she is is not where you are in life. And you are expecting her to move like you move, even though, like, when you say, oh, well, everyone suspects it's because she's not engaged yet. And you say that with, like, quite frankly, if I'm just being direct here, a lack of empathy, you know, and I'm a lot like you, like, you know, when I, when I'm not leading with empathy, I'm just more like, deal with it. Suck it up. Like, why are you, like, you can't be happy for me like you know like you know i've had to be happy for people that when i wasn't

like in that stage of life and like she just needs to deal with it and blah blah blah blah blah but the truth is she's just like not at this she's not where you're at and could she be handling it better sure would you like to think that you would handle it better if you and her sure is probably you know um but you are getting you are you are you are spending a shit ton of emotional energy simply because someone's at a different stage of life than you and not handling it the way you would like to think you would. I don't think there's any excuse for completely snubbing someone. I mean, there's no excuse for it.

What do you mean? There's no excuse for it. Like, what are you talking about? I just to. You have, no doubt. You have, I'm just saying, like, at some stage in your life, I don't know what it was. You have definitely giving yourself excuses to choose yourself. and we live in a time in 2026, which like the entire internet is telling us to choose yourself,

love yourself, choose yourself, you know, make sure you're the number one priority. And that's all true. But like within that, it allows us to get, prioritize ourselves, you know, choose ourselves. And we give ourselves a so much fucking grace in ways that we don't give to other people. Of course there's an excuse to, you know, which is she's just not happening. right now and like, you know, with how things are going, if that's the reason. And when we're not happy, it's just hard not to be a little, like, to not be a little selfish because it's like, how can you be happy for others when you're not happy with your own life and yada, yada, yada.

In a perfect world, I'm sure she would want to be, to be thought of as the friend who's showing up for the people she loves. She will probably someday wake up and look in the mirror and realize that she's probably been a bad friend to people or a bad sister. And, and she's, you know, been selfish and that will make her feel kind of shitty about herself. But of course there's an excuse, you know, like you say that as if like, you know. There's an excuse for not coming to the party. That's fine. There's an excuse for not texting me.

But just to like be in a room with someone and pretend that they aren't there, what did I do? How do you know it's about you? You know, listen, I'm I get, I'm introverted. I can be aloof. I'm in my head. Like literally my wife. every day is this like, where are you? You're not with us. You know, you're, you know, she like, will check me, you know, like it's hard for me to do. Like, I mean, literally I have ADHD, you know,

like I don't, I don't personally, I try not to use that as an excuse for like why I do what I do and I'm just, I try to own that. But like, you know, it is just like really hard sometimes. Sometimes I'm just checked out. A lot of times I show up to places, events, you know, and, you know, like also, like adding to the element that I'm a little bit of a public figure, also adding in the fact that I'm tall and I just like stand out in a room, that I often show up in rooms where I, I, people have a shit ton of expectations of how I'm supposed to show up to them. And I tell you what, nine times out of ten, I don't meet those expectations. I don't want to repeat specifically with the things that have been said to me, but I'm extremely, it's not, it's more than an assumption. I know that that's what it is. And I did have her family research. out to me after and tell me, like, you handled yourself really nice, like, really well tonight. You gave a lot of grace. I know that must have been really hard and hurtful the way that she treated you.

Yeah. And I'm sure that's true. All I'm simply saying is, again, like, I talk about this all the time on the show, especially when we're talking about reality TV. There's a difference between a reason and an excuse. And you're right. Maybe there's no, quote, unquote, an excuse. Maybe there's just a reason, you know.

And all I'm just saying is like sometimes the reason, like an excuse, it's like, I don't know, again, like in the court of like, you know, you're just kind of playing judge jury and executioner with like how you think she should move. You know, and it's just like even if you being right doesn't bring you any peace or happiness is kind of my point. It doesn't really, you know, it's like you can, you know, we could sit here in debate whether is there an excuse. It doesn't matter. You know, like she's, this is where she's at. This is what she's doing. If she was a friend, you could choose. You could choose. to be like, you know what, maybe this friendship has, you know, run its course and maybe that is what it is, but she's not just a friend. She is family. She is the sister of the man that you're going to marry. Rather than accepting that as and having that security that she's not going anywhere, you have decided that I need to fix this now before I've married this man because I need to feel good about all of my sisters, you know, and sister-in-laws before I get married because that matters. And it doesn't. You're not marrying her. her. You're marrying him. Yeah. And you don't need to be like at peace with every single person at

every single moment in time. I think if I can reframe that in my brain that I'm thinking, okay, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing anything as a favor to her. She may or may not want to, but I would like a good relationship and I would like peace and I would like my wedding to be about my fiance and I. Yeah. But when you make this decision, doing the right thing, doing something for her. Just when you make this decision, don't pat yourself on the back for choosing peace. Why not? Because then you're not, because then you're doing it to be right and you're not doing it for the peace.

And then when the day comes, when peace is supposed to matter, it won't feel peaceful, especially because that, in it, because that gives her more power and control. It makes her actions control how you feel. It makes you feel good about your choice because it makes you feel like you were the bigger person. That's exactly what it is. I'm either the bigger person or I'm petty. So be the bigger person and not pat yourself on the back for it. Be the bigger person and knowing because what you're doing is you're just sitting

you and your husband and fiancé up for success. That's why you're doing it. You're doing it for your happiness. But if you pat yourself on the back for choosing peace, then you're not doing it for happiness, you're doing it to be right. And that's literally the opposite of do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? And you like being right. That's pretty evident. I like being right. So no judgment, you know, but like it is something you have a hard time letting go. You have a hard time just like not being right or wrong, but you just have facts. I had this

discussion yesterday about something totally different. So it is something I'm working on. Well, if it bleeds into your life that much, it will like also bleed into your marriage. So like, listen, use this is an opportunity to work on yourself so that you can show up better for your marriage. Because, like, you know, the alternative is giving the sister-in-law, like, unbelievable of energy and power that she doesn't deserve, probably doesn't want or ask for. And then you're convincing yourself that you're the better person in the story because, like, you know, you are, you're handling like these short-term situations. is better in a time where, but, but again, you, you have an advantage. You are overall really happy with where you're at in your life. Yeah. It's the, yeah, it's just, it's the rejection piece that, that I'm working on that it hurts. I feel rejected by her and I feel like I'm putting myself

in a position to be rejected again. And that is, that's right now the theme of, you know, what I need to work on in general and how, and I, and noticing how that does affect me in different ways. And I keep Your marriage is going to require an insane amount of your emotional energy in time. And if you've listened to this show, it's the thing I, like, if I could just, if one bit of advice I give to people is just like, just recognize that your emotional energy is not limitless. And it is a tangible thing. There are only so many hours in the day. You only have so much energy. And where you choose to spend that energy definitely greatly matters.

It is not, it will affect your choices. Your choices will affect your life. It will not like, it's not preordained, you know? Like, and so that choice is up to you. So like, you need to get better as someone who really is kind of needs to be right. And when you don't feel right, you go down these rabbit holes and you invest your emotional energy that will take away from the emotional energy you need to invest in your marriage. and just getting better at that will go a long way to like you just generally being happier

so maybe this is the universe giving you an opportunity to start really grounding yourself and that yeah and i genuinely hope for the best and so just going to let my actions portray that and release the rest and let what happens happens Like, if you ask her and she says yes and then she literally just ghosts you on your wedding, doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. Only if you make it matter. You certainly could wake up and you could be like, oh, my God, it turns out she's an Ibiza.

You know, she's on a fucking yacht. She's supposed to be in my wedding. I can't believe she did this. You could call up all her sisters at the day of your wedding and be like, can you believe what she did? And they could all agree with you in your, in your fiance. be like, can't believe my sister did this, and you could talk to your parents, and you could, you could spend all morning convincing everyone you invited your wedding that she is just a

selfish bitch. But all you would be doing is stealing away from your connecting with your husband over your weekend. It just doesn't matter. And if you choose not to let it matter and you choose not to care, no one will be talking about it. No one will care. People are going to care about what you care on your wedding. So like, you decide. It just doesn't matter. You don't know. what's going to happen on your wedding day? You don't know what the weather's going to be. You don't know if a parent is so sick that can't show up. You know, like you don't know.

But what you can control is how connected you stay with your fiancé on that day and on that weekend. But I don't get to pat myself on the back. No, because then you're not doing it to be connected. You're doing it to be right. And you like being right. Doing it for growth, you know, I'm working on it. Yeah, well, growth, growth happens. in the long run. You know, growth is not like I made the decision, you know, growth is,

growth is not caring growth. Growth is making a decision and just letting it happen. It is not heading yourself on the back for the decision that you think is right. You're a little ego death. You're not really learning or you're not, you're not like doing the lesson if, if the only way you can make this decision is because right, right now you called up thinking you would be right to not invite her. And then I gave you my opinion, and you're kind of, you're on board with it. You see what I'm saying.

But instead of just accepting it, now you're trying to convince how that would be the right decision. And I mean, grand, I am right. It is the right decision. But it's right because you're choosing peace, not being right. Which is why when you're thinking about,

okay, if I make this decision, I see the wheels turning your head, you're like, oh, well, how's she going to react? Is she just say yes? Is she going to say no? She's going to do all these things. And I'm saying it doesn't matter. Who cares?

Yeah. But that was my initial. My initial was, of course. Absolutely. Like, of course. And then I have some people that really care about me that are mad about the way that just made me feel. And they are like, it's your day. You do.

And they're right. It is my day. But it's a different way of looking at it. And again, these people know you. They know how you react when you don't get what you want. And they're probably at, you know, and they want to validate you. But again, if you show them, you don't. don't care, they won't care.

They're just showing. I told them I was having her and they were like, why would you do that when she doesn't care about you or support you? Why would you possibly do that? So that's when I started kind of rethinking. Well, and then some people like to project, you know, and you could say it because it ultimately, your answer is because it doesn't really matter, you know, that's not the focus of my wedding weekend or my wedding.

And I just don't like feel like spending more emotional energy on. The wedding party. It's like the least important part of the wedding. I don't think a lot of people talk about the wedding party. Unless, unless the bride makes it drama. No, you're so right.

No, I'm making it as a way bigger deal. Yeah, it's really not. It's really not. Your wedding's a big deal because you're committing to spend the rest of your life with a person. So focus on that. Not the other stuff.

Yeah, and I don't want to cause him any emotional unrest or drama. Yeah, he's going to care about what you care about because he wants to validate you and support you. You have the opportunity to, while, a lot of people, by not making this such a big deal, because the people who know you are expecting you to make this a big deal. Well, I think, I mean, I think that what his other sister said was, that's not who you are. That's not who you are. You are someone who gives grace.

I don't think I give myself a lot of grace, which is why these things round me up, because I am feeling rejected. So I'm feeling like I need to fix this. It's more about me. It's not necessarily about, you know, I don't know. I'm starting to unpack this little bit. I think it, how it makes me feel is hurt. But what was my natural instinct to be would be to move with grace.

It wouldn't be to be petty and vindictive. I just, yeah, but we, that's never the version. It's way more about me than it's about her. Most of the time we're not actually, I know sometimes we're like, you know what, I'm going to, I'm choosing, I'm going to be petty here, you know, like, yeah, sometimes we're that self-aware. A lot of times we convince ourselves, it's not what it is when it is, you know, one of the best, like, one of the best lessons I ever learned. I used to be asked, what did you learn when you went on the bachelor and I would be like, I would, you know, I was like, I went on when I was 33, I didn't learn anything. It's stupid. Why would I have to, why would I have to learn something? But what I learned is, you know, while your feelings matter and they're real, you know, There are feelings, and feelings change. And you can, and the bachelor universe is this very controlled universe that makes you feel things. But what causes those feelings is the controlled, is the very unrealistic atmosphere, which is like you're, you know, you're competing for one person with, you know, like,

that affects how you feel. We live in a time where we, like society, like, your feelings, I feel this. So therefore I'm right. It's like, I mean, you feel it. It's real, but doesn't mean why you feel it. It doesn't mean the reason you feel it. feel it is why you think you might be feeling. Does that make sense?

It does. And that we can have a feeling and it can make us feel a certain thing. But what causes that feeling or how we process that feeling, we have control over. And just because we feel something doesn't validate us to justify, like, moving in a certain way just because we feel something. How we process those feelings plays a huge role and our happiness in the relationships that we have. The timing of this is crazy because I'm really trying to tackle this head on. Like, I've been having conversations about this a lot. Well, I think step one is stop, stop doing that.

Stop having conversations about, well, I mean, I just mean about the way that my emotions can kind of rule me and, you know, just all the emotional energy. Yeah, well, it's good to be aware of it, too. And I say this all with love, because I like being right and I'm stubborn and I ruminate and all the advice I'm giving you now. I've had to learn the hard way. and give it to myself, and again, I still, like, it's an ever-ending battle. You will always like being right. This will always be something you have to work on. You're either just going to get better at it or you're not. But part of that is someone who ruminates, I imagine that you do a lot, is you just have to, like, choose to let it go. You have to just say the thing out loud,

which is to, like, I just, I know the answer. I don't need to, like, keep replaying into my head to validate my choices. I just, I just have to let it go. And I have to choose to think about something else. And when that thought pops in my head, I just have to recognize that it's there and then challenge myself to think about something else, whatever it is, as long as I'm not thinking about the thing that I'm obsessed with thinking about. And that comes with, you know, honestly, you don't need to talk about with your therapist, you don't have to talk about with your friend, you just need to accept and move forward. Okay, I'm going to try.

All right. Just take a step in that direction. Good luck. Let me know, let me know what you decide. Thank you. I've decided. All right. We decided.

Okay. All right. Well, good luck. Congratulations on the wedding. When's the big day? Thank you so much. We don't have a date yet. I think either June or July next year. Okay. Definitely 2027. You're spending more, you know, you don't even have a date and you're trying to figure out who's your wedding party. It feels very important. It felt like, it felt like them on one of the most important things.

And I just have to, I'm noticing it's not. Okay. It's really not. I'm making it a way bigger deal. So that's kind of free. Okay. It's not that big, not that deep. Good luck. Thank you. All right. Take care.

Bye. Bye-bye.