The Viall Files - E1149 - It's been four years. He never says I love you | Ask Nick

Episode Date: June 29, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition! Our first caller is struggling with long distance, even though nothing is technically wrong in her relationship. Our second caller loves sharing her new baby with friends and family—but can't shake the feeling that her limited time is being taken from her. And our third caller has been with her boyfriend for four years, but he has never once told her he loves her. Subscribe for more dating advice, relationship drama, and unfiltered Ask Nick calls every week. "Stop telling yourself it will be hard. Make it seem like it's easy." Nick is on Substack! Subscribe here: https://nickviall.substack.com/subscribe  ARE YOU A MESS BECAUSE OF YOUR SITUATIONSHIP? OR JUST IN GENERAL? Email [e-mail] with all your relationship questions and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes! Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content featuring updates from your favorite callers? Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + HERE: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/   Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter   To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Chime: Join the millions who are already banking fee free today. Head to https://chime.com/viall   Boll & Branch: Sleep cooler this summer with Boll & Branch during their Annual Summer Event. For a limited time, get 20% off sitewide at https://bollandbranch.com/viall with code viall. Cozey: Transform your living space today with Cozey. Visit https://cozey.com — the home of possibilities, made easy. The Absorption Company: Start taking supplements your body can actually absorb. Go to https://absorbmore.com and enter VIALL at check out for up to 35% off your first order. CashApp: For a limited time, new Cash App customers who are parents can use our exclusive referral code FAMILY10 to earn $10. Download Cash App, enter the referral code in your profile, send $5 to a friend within 14 days, and you will receive $10. **To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  Timestamps: 00:00 - Caller One 21:40 - Caller Two 53:14 - Caller Three Episode Socials:  @viallfiles  @nickviall @justinkaphillips @baybaeee

Banking fees and paying to access your own money can feel incredibly frustrating. That's why so many people are switching to chime. Chime offers a more rewarding fee-free banking experience designed to help members keep more of what they earned. Eligible members can earn 5% cash back on their Chime card in a category of their choice. Like cash or groceries, Chime also offers a savings account with 3.75 APY, helping your money grow faster than traditional savings accounts. Chime gives members access to thousands of fee-free ATMs nationwide features like SpotMe allow eligible

fee-free. With real people available 24-7, Chime is rated five stars by USA Today for customer service. Chime is not just smarter banking. It's the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking fee-free today. Head to chime.com slash v-I-A-L. That is chime.com slash vial-L. It only takes a few minutes to sign up. Chime's a Vintech, not a bank, banking services for MyPay and ChimeCarp provided by Chime Bank Partners. Option Parenthood and cashback for Chime Prime only. No minimum balance required checking account ranking based on JD Power Survey.

Published. For more information on APY, rates, my pay, spot me, and travel parks, go, chime.com slash disclosures. How's your going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm Marie. I'm 30 years old. I wanted to call because I have a situation. Nothing is wrong, but dissent is an issue.

And you're a great person because you started long distance. with you and Natalie. So I met this person. I met this guy on TikTok last year, last summer. How does one meet someone on TikTok? Is that, are the DMs? He popped up on my 4U page,

and I thought he was the most attractive man I've ever met. So, of course, I followed him right away. Period. Followed him on Instagram. He followed me back. Okay. He ended up messaging me first, and we just hit it off.

All right, right. So we first started as just friends, and built a good friendship last summer, and then in October, decided that we would try to date. However, it was long distance. I'm in Chicago. He's on the East Coast. It's a quick flight. Yeah, hour and a half. It's not a bad flight at all, honestly. And so we have been seeing each other since October. We've been dating, and it's been going very well. Every time we see each other, it's it's been hard because I mean just he's a dad and financially PTO why is that work for me taking time off to purchase it all the time yeah I mean we see each other like every six weeks which is not ideal honestly that's definitely tough yeah we do the best we can um but it's it's been amazing every time we're together it just it gets better and better every time um it's incredible

I've never met a man like him. However, we're at the point that distance is becoming too much for him. Like every six weeks is not working out. He wants to see me, you know, every day, every other day, a couple days a week, if possible. That's just not logical being states away from each other. And so we've come to a point where he's battling if he continues with the distance, if it's worth it or if he, you know, you know, says that distance is too much. You'd rather be friends because he just, he can't do the distance. Our time together has been great. He's been telling me that he cares so deeply about me. I can't wrap my brain around the fact that somebody could maybe want to end it just because of distance.

Now, every six weeks I get. So we've talked about trying to accommodate maybe every three weeks or every four weeks at most. Is it always you flying there? No, he comes here too. So we've done both. I go there more just because he does have a child, so it's easier for me to take off work, my schedule, than it is for him to, you know, find care for his child or take off of work.

But every six weeks mean, are you alternating somewhat? Yeah, yeah. Which means like that means that you guys are only having to visit one another every three months. That's not crazy. Yeah. Yeah. So in my head also, I'm thinking, even though he tells me he cares so much, and I'm, like, battling, I feel like there's excuses also. So I don't know what to make of that.

Do you feel like he's pulling away? Yeah. So actually, since I've wrote in, he's made the decision that he thinks it's better off for us to be friends. Oh, okay. So I, I've been like, trying to convince him and talk him into, well, if you feel like your feelings are what they are, if we both feel that way, I mean, and we dropped the L word said, I love you. Like, if you really feel that way, why would you want to end it? I feel like I've kind of made myself be a little delusional with hope of still dating and making it work. We also have a vacation plan together next

a month. And so do I go on it or do I not? Okay. I don't know, Nick. Help me figure it out. I know what you need to do. All right. Listen, obviously a difficult situation. I don't, you know. Yeah. But like, you know, this is definitely just your typical game of cat and mouse type of thing. And there's some variables. I know, like, every time we make like a clip and we're like, you got to play the game. Everyone's like, I don't, I refuse to play the game. Listen, like. I don't want to play a game. No one wants to play the game. But the game is, the game isn't like too. adults being like, I like games. You know what I'm saying? It's just like the, it's the kind of emotional dance that comes with us trying to figure out, is this worth it? And early in relationships,

you know, there's a lot of back and forth. You know, the game is just basically the power dynamic game, right? And a lot of it is just kind of like how we're feeling, trying to understand our feelings. He is grappling and juggling like being a dad and I don't know what his relationship of his mother of his child and things like that. Don't know what your guys' financial situation is and things like that. That all plays a role. But what you do know right now is you have information, and that is he is pulled back a little bit,

and he has said he just wants to be friends. Now, it's understandable, like, early on that you were like, you know, you acknowledge that you try to almost convince him to change his mind, you know, which is not something, you don't want to do that. No, I'm starting to feel like, why am I convincing somebody they want to be with? Correct, right? And that's the game, right? Call it a game. You know, you don't have to call it a game. You can just call it like, you know. So more than anything, you don't want to give other people access to yourself when they're saying, I'm, I want less from you and I'm willing to give you less of me. And the way to get them to change their mind, if you want them to change your mind, isn't to give more access to you. And now access is like you, you calling and, you know, kind of. to convince, you know, no one likes to be convinced to how they feel. In fact, you can't really

convince anyone how they feel. And usually when we try to convince people to feel a certain way, it has the opposite effect. It does the opposite. Yeah. Well, so you can be sad. You can be disappointed. It's important to communicate all those things. You can communicate that like, I don't know, I don't, this is not what I would choose. Yeah. But I'm going to go ahead and I, you know, I have no other choice but to respect your decision. I mean, nothing's changed. in our dynamic other than we don't know pet names we're not seeing we talk from good morning

to good night still all the time so I and we do we have a trip next month so I guess I don't know do I just like should I pull back so back up a little bit right so something has changed and it's a big deal it's just like he was like I we should stop doing this yeah so he changed the expectations

of the relationship and because the actions haven't changed that that every day that you guys continue to do the same thing that you did before when you were when you were dating and you felt like you had that security it it changes the every day you do that it it waters down the expectations of the relationship and so you're doing the thing where like well he said one thing i don't want the thing he said but he's also willing to keep doing the thing i want him to do and so that feels good and then but it also feels confusing but what it's also doing is changing the expectations. It's allowing him to say the thing, I was honest with you. I told you what I wanted.

I was very clear. And that is to be friends. I told you I can't keep doing this. And the fact that you keep talking, hanging out, communicating with him is giving him the power at any moment to say, I told you what I wanted and I told you what I didn't want. And it gives you less of a foot to stand on. Do I just, I guess, I don't know, I feel like maybe I should pull back something because, Well, that's one thing he is great with. He's great with communicating his boundaries, everything. So now that he's let me know that he's only friends and I'm still trying to, we're still talking all the time, I have hope in my brain of the possibility of dating against Phil, even though he's been very clear. So maybe I do need to pull back a little bit, not the constant talking from good morning to good night. I don't know. Like I want to talk to him, but I also think that plays a little trick on my brain that we're still talking just as. as much as before. So I don't want to set myself up for, you know, disappointment either. Yeah.

I mean, listen, at some point, listen, no one wants to do that. And if this ends, it sounds like you're going to be disappointed. So there's. Yeah. You're already in it. And again, like, you know, listen, it's, there's no perfect way of doing it. But you called in with the, you know, hey, you and you and Natalie started long distance. I'm sure you've heard, you know, the versions of our story.

But. Yeah. It ultimately changed when she set a boundary and changed her, you know, and just kind of said, I can't. You know, and it wasn't like a, she wasn't playing games. She was just being honest with herself. And then she had the guts and the discipline to say no. That's one thing I feel like I'm lacking is the discipline with it at this point. Yeah.

You can find it. It's, you know, you can do it. It's so hard. But yeah. No, I can. because it's like at first I told him that I respectfully like I don't think I can be your friend right now with the amount of emotions that are there. I wouldn't even say right now. Try to work on being more definitive.

Okay. Yeah. Too much of this relationship is kind of in the gray areas in limbo. And it's okay to say, I can't be your friend. Yeah. You know, I like you. I care about you. Like, you know, like also, obviously we have a friendship.

and like you have become a very close friend of mine, but you're never going to be just a friend. And if this isn't going to work out, I just want to start moving on and stop hoping that could be something different. And if I meet someone else, you can't be my, you know, again, to stop doing the whole right now and maybe later and someday.

Because again, that just gives him, he's having a hard time making a choice. And the good news is he probably likes you too. And obviously the reason he keeps talking to you. So our vacation next month, what do I do? I wouldn't go. That's what my therapist said to. You just say, listen, the best thing you can do right now is to be the adult in the room.

Doesn't mean he's not being the adult. I'm just saying, make sure that you are. And you're going to have to make difficult decisions, you know. And by adult, I mean, like, you know, the kid inside you is going to convince yourself. Yeah. to do the thing that you want to do. And the adult in the room, so to speak, is I know what I want, but I'm not sure it's what's best for me long term.

Yeah, I think that is pretty spot on. And I can always go on a vacation, you know, type of thing. And you're just going to, the best thing for you to do is say no to him. And not in an aggressive way, not in a like a snappy way, not just in a, I'd love to. I'd love to, but it's just like it's too hard for both of us. It's certainly too hard for me. And I don't want to keep, it's just going to confuse me. And like if we can't commit to trying to figure this out.

And again, also, you also just have to be practical with yourself, right? Like, I don't know. You know, when I met Natalie, if she was like, listen, I just got this new job. I love where I live. There's just no world in which I'm moving to L.A. Yeah. We wouldn't have gotten together. we would have stopped talking eventually you know i mean i don't know that would have been messy and i

you know it had been difficult for us and we would probably have done similar things to what you guys are doing which is to say one thing and do another right but it would have been very challenging there was no version where i was going to move there yeah and short of me convincing her to change her mind which you know would have been something i probably thinking like about wouldn't have been comfortable doing. Right. And I feel like that's also now me trying to convince him is like it's not comfortable. It's not. So I don't know. Like I don't want it to end. I'd rather be friends than not have him in my life at all at the same time. You don't. Stop saying that. Stop saying. No, I don't. I don't. I want more. Yeah. He's not your friend. It's not. It's an ex at this point. Yeah. I mean, and he might change his mind.

I mean, that, but that's the thing is you just need to give him a moment. of realizing that you are serious about your feelings and you are serious about protecting your heart and you're good at that and he can't get mad at you for it and and yeah because like right now he is looking for as we all do a way through and right now since he does you know he doesn't want to it doesn't think you can move there and vice versa he wants to take away the frustration

while still getting the enjoyment, which is the company that you have. And it's probably exhausting for both of you to be like, well, what are we going to do and what are we going to do? And you guys don't have an answer. So you're trying to take the what do we do off the equation. Yeah, and I tried to tell him, like, I'll move there. We talked about moving at the one year mark in October, like me moving there. So you're willing to move? Yeah.

And he said he. And he doesn't want you? No, he said that one year in October from dating is totally realistic. and yeah, that's a good plan, but realistically, he can't do distance for a year to get to that point. I mean, listen, that's, that's, that's, that's fair. Well, no, it's a red flag. Oh, really? Like, how old is this guy?

How old is this guy? 37. I'm 37 years old. He's got a kid. Like, this is not a 22-year-old. Right. You know, he's obviously busy, you know. He can talk to you every day.

He does talk to you every day. day. He doesn't like you enough with a plan and a willingness for you to move. And Nick, that's what is driving me insane in my brain because it's like you told me how much you care about me, but the words and actions aren't matching up. Well, then I should tell you something. And again, to me, that's sounding more like he, whatever he said to you, he got, you know, ahead of himself. Or maybe he doesn't, you know, some people like saying things. I mean, he told me I was the one. So, but you can't make it till a year. So I don't know.

I'm just confused. I'm very confused. Well, don't be confused. Okay. I only say that because, like, you know that doesn't make sense. Right. Yes, I know that. So instead of saying, I'm confused, say that doesn't make sense.

Okay. You know what I'm saying? Like, I know, I'm splitting. No, I do. I do. I'm like, you know that's not confusing. Correct. You know, you know that it doesn't make sense.

Like, you can't tell me this and say that. I am, I am trying to. to remove all the excuses that you're giving me and you come up with more excuses. I'm willing to move there. Well, I, blah, blah, blah. So that tells me that, you know, it was fun to say all these things when it was more like, you graduate from college and you go to Europe for three months. You meet someone and you just know that like you're just not moving, you're not moving

to Europe and they're not moving here and you can just, oh my God, that's basically what this was. I love you and like, oh, you know, and he's, you know, it sounds like a little bit. bit of that. Yeah, it does when you put it that way. It does sound like that. This is all to say, my advice doesn't change in that, again, I'm not saying he's like some piece of shit and I'm not saying he's intentionally doing this. Who knows? But the only way to figure out how sincere he is is to not be convenient for what he is trying to do, which is to have access to you without committing to anything. And so I need to pull back. You need to stop. You know, I can't do the I certainly can't.

You know, what you, no, pull back. No, I don't think you should pull back. I think you should stop, you know, because. Altogether. Yeah. Okay. As much as you can, I know that won't be easy, but you need to, like, the goal is to stop. Yeah.

The goal is to show him you have self-control. Yeah, because I think I've shown the opposite at this point, which is not what I want. And it's not what, who I feel like I am. But unfortunately, I've already begged for him to try, and that's just ridiculous. But that's okay. That's okay. You know, like you haven't lost anything. You can, today's a new day to show that you've found that discipline. Yeah. Because again, you like them. And you want this to, and that there's nothing wrong with saying that. There's nothing wrong in admitting to someone that like, I like you and I like this and I would be willing to do what it takes. But what I'm not, what I'm not willing to do is have you not willing to do what it takes and still give you accurate.

exist to me after you've made it clear that you're not willing to do the same things I'm willing to do. Yeah, I need to just like stand on that, be firm about it. Yeah. Because last time I told him, you know, I can't be your friend. I care too much. And then I changed my mind, not even 24 hours sleep. Yeah. And you're not saying I can't be a friend of you. You're saying I can't be friends with you right now. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. That's you saying, well, help me be coming from, help me care less. And so that's like an in and a permission structure to just talk to him every day because you guys, you're trying to reach a goal. And it's not the new goal. It's not the goal that you had before, which is to like be closer to him and, you know, now the goal is to be friends.

Yeah. I need to give myself a break away from him maybe to even just heal and move on from it completely because my feelings are involved. I am emotionally attached at this point. I don't want to be friends. I want to date, but he's been very clear. That's not what he wants. And the best thing you do when you communicate that is to be kind of chill about it. Yeah, I'd love to go on this vacation.

I just can't. You don't want a relationship and I don't want to be your friend. Yeah, maybe that's exactly how all. You can't wait four more months. I mean, come on. I know. October is not that far away. I mean, it's just not.

I just don't think he's serious. Again, like you just, he needs to, he needs to reflect. with the idea of knowing that she clearly will stop talking to me if I don't do something about it. But right now, you're giving them all the wrong signals, which is I don't have to commit to her

because I can still go on vacation with her. I can talk to her every day and I'll worry about whatever I have to worry about later when that changes. Yeah, that's true. He still has all the access to me. Let them know that you're serious

about protecting your feelings. Let them know that you know you have the discipline to do the thing that's best for you long term and see if he's willing to make some moves and make some changes but if not you know begging and hoping isn't going to change it well i appreciate the call uh let us know what you decide and and uh give us an update down the road we'd we'd certainly appreciate that but call it a game call it you know it's it's it's juggling emotions it's you know it is you're just it's it's more about just being consistent and steady.

Yeah. And usually that person wins, so speak. Whether they get what they want, I don't know, but they, you know. Still come out, you know, on top. Yeah, no, you're right about that. But it sounds like he really likes you. It's just like it's probably confusing. And the quickest way to figure that out is to take away his access.

It'll be hard, but I think that's the best. Stop telling yourself will be hard and make it seem like it's easy. And if he asks you and then start dating. Okay. And if he reaches out because he will and checks in, don't hide the fact that you have dates. I wouldn't lie about it. I wouldn't go out of your way to make him jealous. But if you happen to have something lined up and he asks about it and if he wants to be your friend, that's what friends do.

They talk about the dates that they have. So go be a friend. You know what I'm saying? But that's the thing. That's a fair point. You know, that's what friends do. And you can gently point that out if that asks, be like, I have it, you know, what are you up to? I got a date tonight with who?

I don't, I mean, a person? Why does it? Don't do it to try to get a reaction. Just be honest. No, I don't want to. Just move forward, start dating. People are very attracted to other people who have the discipline that they don't. I think that's a very accurate statement.

All right, well, good luck. Thanks. I need it. All right. Bye. What's up, everybody? Don't forget that all Vile Fals Plus content is ad-free. Plus, for all you ask, Nick listeners out there,

your update specials are ready and waiting for you. I know you are very interested on the follow-up calls. What has happened to these people after they heard my advice? Did it help them? Did it hurt them? Has their life changed? Well, you can find out on Update Plus, and you can get Update Plus behind Vialfiles Plus.

So go to VibeowFiles.com to sign up. As parents, we know that teaching your kids about money is going to be an important conversation. Thank God. River is only two yet. and the twins haven't even been born. But it is something that we are going to want to do sooner than later because knowing how to handle finances is such a key step to success in life. Well, Cash App now offers managed accounts for kids ages 6 to 12 that grow with them all the way into adulthood.

Parents run the account so they stay involved every step of the way. You can monitor activity, guide decisions, and turn everyday spending into learning opportunities. It's like a really advanced piggy bank that's going to help your kids teach them about finance. and how to manage their money, which is a skill set that they will use for the rest of their lives. Their savings, habits, and account history stay with them as they move from parent-managed accounts to a teen account to eventually to a full adult account. Having a tool that allows you to stay involved while giving your kids financial independence is a great way to build healthy spending habits early. You can monitor activity, guide decisions, and turn everyday spending

into learning opportunities. If you're ready to start teaching money habits without adding more stress to your plate, download cash app and set up a managed account for your child today. For unlimited time, new cash app customers who are parents can use our exclusive referral code family one zero to earn $10. Download cash app, enter the referral code in your profile and send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you will receive $10 terms apply. Cash app is financial service platform. Bank banking services provided by cash app's banking partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank member FDICC, cash app, Visa FDXC and the bank bank, N.A. Pursue it to a license from Visa, USA, Inc.

corporate Cterms and conditions for the Sutton prep debit flex card savings and offers provided by Cash app, a block incorporated brand. Parents and legal guardians can open a manage account for kids at 6 through 12. Visit cash.com.com. The easiest way to upgrade your space and feel refreshed and new is to upgrade your sheets and that is why we love Bowling Branch. Bow and Branch makes everything your bed needs, including their signature organic cotton sheets, breathable pillows, waffle blankets, and temperature regulating comforters. Their bedding is designed to be incredibly soft, breathable and comfortable throughout the night. Everything is made to complement each other, creating a bed that feels cohesive,

comfortable, and inviting. Many customers start with the signature sheet set and eventually upgrade the rest of their bedding. With the toddler and twins on the way, we're prioritizing sleep now. More than ever, Bowen Branch is soft, breathable, and quality bedding makes that easy. Sleep cooler this summer with Bowen Branch

during their annual summer event for a limited time. Get 20% offsite wide at BowlingBranch.com slash V-I-A-L with code V-I-A-L-L. That's bowl and branch, B-O-L-L-A-N-D, B-R-A-N-C-H.com slash V-I-A-L, code V-I-A-L to take 20% off. BowlingBranch.com slash V-I-A-L-L-C exclusions apply. How's it going? Hi, my name is Rachel, and I'm 27 years old, and my boyfriend of four years has never told me he's lovely. Okay. Do you think he loves you?

I do think he does, yeah, but he's never actually said it before. I'm sure you've talked about it. What does he say? Yeah, like we've been dating for four years, and I've probably told him that I loved him probably about like a year or so into it, kind of hoping that he would kind of say it first. And yeah, ever since then, he's never set it back, even though I say it pretty much every day. and when I ask him if he loves me he kind of I don't know he doesn't really give me a great answer and he'll just say like you know I really really like you it's something that um I really want to say when I'm ready and that's about all I get okay well not the best answer how old is he yeah he's

26 and I'm 27 okay and he's never like said I love you to anyone else like before like in a relationship it's listen this is a slightly tricky one just because it's not like he's you know like technically doing anything wrong i imagine from his point of view he's trying to be authentic to himself i don't think any of us want to force someone and to professing love that all being said you've been together for four years yeah um you guys aren't kid you're young but you're certainly not yeah i don't know have you guys talked about your future together yeah right now i'm um in school i'm getting my doctorate and we do like a long distance relationship right now um so we're about like four hours away i'm actually up visiting him

right now um and i asked him again kind of last night like i'll joke with him too like oh tonight the night you're going to tell me you love me kind of thing and he just never says anything back but well i say this with love but you're definitely not going to get your way by being annoying about it yeah and i feel like it's getting to be annoying at this point yeah and by annoying i just mean like the kind of side comments that aren't coming from a place of like trying to be productive and trying to connect with your boyfriend and just like just have a conversation and like the conversation that i feel like you should have with him goes something like, you know, we've been together for four years. And I certainly don't want,

you know, I don't want you to say something you don't mean and feel. But you're a 27-year-old man, you know, and I want to be in a relationship where I connect with my partner and we grow our feelings and evolve. And I'm assuming you do love me because, like, you know, to be in a relationship like this requires a lot of commitment and sacrifice, and I don't know how you do that without having some kind of love. But more importantly, I think what I'm struggling with is the fact that you seem really resistant to opening up to me and I don't know what your love languages are,

but if words of affirmation is in that equation, you have the right to say, like, it's important to me to know where I stand with my partner, and I do want to feel that love. and part of feeling love for me is like hearing that, you know. And we have been together for four years. And it seems like you, you know, I don't want us communicating our affection and love for each other to be such a struggle in our relationship. And it seems like it is.

It's, you know, it is a problem for our relationship because you either don't love me and we've been together for four years or you do love me. And it's just hard for you to open up in a way that makes me. feel a little unsafe in our relationship. Yeah, I would agree with that. Like, I don't think he would still be in this relationship after, like, four years and doing long distance if he didn't love me. But I think probably the communication is where he's not expressing it. Yeah.

And it's just a real, it's a real difficult needle to thread because there's just a lot of ways you could say this to him that would make him get defensive and almost not like in a way that he's deliberately gaslighting you, but it would be easy for him to flip it around and be like I don't like why are you making me yeah say something and I'm not ready to say I feel like that's what the conversations have looked like in the past like he does just get defensive with it but it's been like you know you're at some point you're like bro it's been four years well that's the thing I'm like it's literally been four years like I think it's one of those things you almost have to take him at his word and to say well listen I guess I'm just going to go ahead and just

take you at your word and I'm just going to believe you and I guess you don't and if you don't after four years, I don't know if we should be together. Right. Yeah. And see what he says. Kind of like an ultimatum. And again, this is not about making him say you love you. It's just about like, and almost like in a way, he says, I just want to have a safe space for us to like. Yeah. Tell each other how we feel about each other. And you, what does he say to you? Like, how does he communicate to you? Like, what words does he say to you that show affection?

Not much. Not much. And his words of information up there. there for you. For me, I didn't really initially think it was, but I'm starting now, like being in a long distance relationship, I do feel like words of an affirmation is what I need the most. Yeah. Otherwise, it's quality time, but I feel like I sort of have to compensate when I'm not able to be around him, like 24. I mean, listen, and that, you know, listen, you're 27, you've been with him for four years. It's kind of like a shit that got off the pot moment for you. You know, you're still really young, but you're also like, you know. Yeah. 30s are around the corner.

And not that your 30s should be wonderful and fun and one, you know, but I'm just, you know, this is a great, like 27, it's a great time of your life. I wouldn't waste it. Yeah, exactly. And you've been with this guy for four years. And it's just one of those things where you're just like if. Right. I don't want to make you say something you don't want to feel, but I don't want to, I,

to be honest, I just don't want to be a relationship with someone who, like, has such a hard time communicating to the person in their relationship with how they make them feel. I really, I don't want to have to ask. You just never communicate anything to me. Yeah. And I do need to hear that sometimes. I don't feel like I'm being some crazy partner. Yeah.

By just being like, yo, like, say something nice. Right. It's not that hard. You know? Yeah. Yeah, like with a year left of my school, like I feel like he, I already signed like a job back in my home state. And so he, like, is coming to him. move down with me once I graduate.

Move in with you? I don't think he would. Right. But I'm like, so obviously, like, you wouldn't move for me if you didn't love me. But at the same time, I don't want to be, like, moving in with somebody if they can't. All right. So, like, take that stuff. Would you agree that you want to take this relationship serious and you want him to take

it as serious as you take it? Would you agree with that? Yes. Yeah. Would you agree that at 27 years old and four years later? you need to know that this is a serious relationship to both of you. Yeah. I would suggest couples therapy.

I imagine he'll be resistant. But. I imagine so. You have to, again, without getting into the weeds, without being obnoxious, without the little jabs, you just have to say it like I'm saying it, which is like, listen, we've been together for four years. We're planning on moving in together. You refuse to tell me how you feel about me.

I literally have no idea. Honestly, I think you love me, but that feels crazy that I have to say, I think you love me because you haven't said it. And listen, I don't want you to say something that you don't want to say. But I do want to be with someone who is a little more comfortable opening up to their partner.

And I want to get on the same page with you. And I want to take our relationship serious. And if you want to take it as serious as I want to take it. And if you want to move in with me, that I want us to go to couple's therapy because I would think we can communicate more effectively and better with each other. And I just want to have a better connection with you.

And if he argues about that or gets the hebie-jeeb-g-bes or whatever, he either isn't too immature to give you what you want and deserve or, you know, he just doesn't want to. And you don't want to be with someone who just doesn't want to. And always just, you know, and if this isn't your guy,

I would figure it out much sooner than later. Right. And that's, I think, kind of where I'm at. Because I feel like it's almost been, like, consuming my mind lately for whatever reason. I don't know why, like, four years later. And now I'm just like, it's all I think about. And things are, like, tend to get on my nerves more with him when he does something. I'm like, oh, it's because he doesn't love me or stuff like that.

Yeah, I mean, that's a thing. I mean, you are, you have starting acting crazy because he is trying to normalize the fact that, like, right you know it's just like you can't pressure anyone to say anything they love you so whether it's four years or 40 years he's just not there yet well fine if he's not there yet but you just you know you don't have a lifetime to to wait and uh and also like he doesn't get to move in with you right yeah that too like okay cool like yeah i just at a minimum i don't i'm not going to share a life with someone who yeah i mean that's part of like can't communicate how they feel the reason why i took the job in the first place i'm like he

I originally thought I was going to get a job where he lives, like expecting me to move for him. But I'm like, no, I'm not going to move for someone that doesn't love me that doesn't, yeah, express those feelings. So I went ahead and took this job and honestly didn't even really talk to him about it, just kind of signed the contract and said, this is what I'm doing. Like, you can come or not. And he was like, I'm coming? At first it was more of an argument about it, but at the end of the day, I had to do what's best for me, and it was a great opportunity. So you made a decision. He didn't like your decision.

Yeah. He threw a little bit of a fit. He did, yeah. You argued with him a little bit, but eventually you're like, I mean, okay, well, I'm not honestly asking for your permission and you don't have to like it, but this is what I'm doing. And then he was like, okay, I'll move in with you. Yeah. Great. Well, that's a good sign, you know. It means he's, and the reason why I'm suggesting couples therapy, because, like, I don't, I don't know, he's maybe just emotionally stunted somewhere.

Maybe, like, I don't know. It's not, I feel like it's safe to say it's not normal to have such a hard time communicating, communicating love and affection to someone you're willing to, that he clearly cares about you. You're clearly a big part of his life, you know? And he's obviously struggling with that. So I don't think you should come from a place of judgment. And when you say, be careful with your words, that he is somehow, there's something wrong with him. But you can also at the same time say that, like, it is not normal relationship behavior for us to have such a hard time

communicating how we feel about each other. And I don't want to feel that confused. And, you know, I just, you know, I think that's a pretty reasonable request for someone in my position. And I also just want to know that you're willing to show up when one of us is feeling misaligned with the other. Yeah, I would agree. Like, he's, like, really supportive,

but I just feel like I'm always the one, like, initiating those conversations. That's fine. If you're, I mean, listen, it's not ideal, but at least he needs to be one to at least, you know, go along, you know. You can be the one who always initiates, which, again, not ideal, but as long as he's willing to recognize and be grateful that, like, I'm with someone who can recognize when we're disconnected. and I, you know, I probably could do a better job of recognizing it myself, but I do want to appreciate that she does that and I don't want to take it for granted.

And so I'm going to hear her out and look to do the things that she's asking us to do rather than be so resistant to them. Yeah, that makes sense. I feel like, yeah, I just need to start by having a conversation with him and not have those like side comments, I guess, that I've been. Yeah, the side comments are definitely not productive. And also it almost in a way invalidates how you feel. because you're turning it into like more of a you just want it because you want it thing, you know? Yeah.

I just got I've been waiting like so long. No, I know. Again, but like you, you were more than valid. I don't feel how you feel. But when the nagging and the like the little jabs, it's, you know, it's a childish type of behavior.

And again, it just invalidates your, like the fact that you have more than have, you have every right to feel how this feel. but you're kind of you're minimizing it into like just something that annoys you and this is more than just something that annoys you it's something that's very confusing it's also just something that like is this not a great sign for for building a relationship with someone he shouldn't have such a difficult time communicating how he feels with you and if he does that's okay because sometimes we all have our

limits but like we should want to improve those things and we should want to be with someone who can gently point out some of our shortcomings and we can appreciate it to the point where like we you know people always say oh i want to be with someone who makes me you know makes me a better version of myself come from a place of trying to help you guys connect more and help each other be a better version of ourselves without being judgmental or naggy about it yeah that makes sense to stop at the comments and just sit them down at some point and to say you know first of all i'm sorry for the comments i'm sure that's annoying yeah i'm sure it is but this does bother me yeah it It does bother me though.

And I don't want you to tell me that something you don't feel, but to be honest, I am operating like you do because it would be crazy to be in this relationship and have you not just like me a lot. That being said, like, yeah, we have a hard time communicating and I want us to get couples therapy so we can, so I want us to both feel more connected. And he's like, well, I do feel connected. You'd be like, well, I don't feel connected to you, which means that we're not as connected as we can be. and I would love your help and your partnership and going to couples therapy together. Because if we are actually serious about moving in together, if we're serious about a future together, this is like some bare minimum shit. And I just need to know I'm with a guy who's willing to show up when I'm asking him to show up.

And this is me asking you to show up. Yeah, I think that is a good start. Like, because I don't want to just say, you know, I love you like one time. Like I want to hear it every day. Like, you want to feel it. Yeah. Yeah, that too. Like I do feel it.

like, but I don't hear him ever say it. Yeah. And I think there's just a divide there. You know, there's a reason why. Do you, have you asked him? Has he ever said it? No, he's never said it. Yeah, it's just, you know, maybe it's just a mental hurdle.

I don't know. Yeah, because I feel like for me, like, I'm like more like plateauing now. Like, I, over these years, it's like, I don't feel like I can continue to, like, grow and love him when I don't feel it like being reciprocated. To me, it's less about the what. he's not saying to you and more about the fact that he clearly knows it's an issue it's causing disconnect between the two of you he hasn't demonstrated a willingness to do anything about it right and he is allowing you to deal with it while seeing it affect you and not care and that is not something

you should want to marry now yeah now he could he could definitely change he can evolve he's relatively young you know but i wouldn't i wouldn't make excuses for that behavior i would take it seriously I would acknowledge the fact that you have been together for four years, you're 27. Four years is plenty of time to get to know someone. And at four years, if he is not willing to do his part in this relationship, I would consider leaving it. Yeah. Because like a good part of our relationship has been long distance. And I don't know if that's like played a big role for him.

But I mean, we still see each other like every two, three weeks. like it's still pretty frequent, I would say. Yeah, yeah, you guys are four-hour. You're a four-hour drive-away. Yeah, it's not that hard, yeah. Yeah, listen, it's definitely not the reason, but he's probably using it as the excuse, you know, but my biggest point is you have the right to explore,

ask questions, try to do something about it, none of which requires the nagging or the, like, the comments or the, you know, just the, the, what you call our dental reminders, but he thinks of it is nagging. you know i would agree with that yeah uh it's just trying to communicate you know your expectations but and like when he does become like resistant though with like the communication part is that when i should consider doing the couple's therapy or just like seeing how an initial conversation goes and then sure i mean listen if you i don't it's i'm i would be surprised if you sit down and be

like listen i don't want to i'm sorry for nagging you but like it after four year blah blah blah blah blah, and he's like, you know what, I do. I love you. And where it doesn't feel like it's not going to go that way. But if it does, sure. But I'm assuming it's not going to go that way. And again, like, this is clearly something he's struggling with for whatever reason he's struggling with it.

And you just want him to recognize that, you know, without him feeling judged, it's not taking out your typical behavior. And it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him, but like, listen, I want to be in a relationship because I want to feel loved. But like, that's, I'm not looking for like a, a. an assistant. Right. You know, I'm not even looking for like a friend.

I'm looking for like that, you know, and I've been with you for four years and you're, you don't want to give that to me. Or you, or you say you can't give that to me. Either way, I'm not getting it. And, uh, or we're at a pretty defining point in our career, uh, relationship. You know, you just have to try to be pragmatic about it in a way, which a lot, I mean, a lot of guys are good at understanding pragmatism, you know, because, you know, because, you know, Because the comments you're making isn't like more pragmatic.

You're, it's more like emotional based. It's more like. Yeah, definitely. It's a reaction to something. Yeah, I'm definitely more reactive with it now for sure. I feel like in the past I haven't been, but just now it's just been like too long where I. Yeah, you probably didn't know what to do next. You know, it's like, how do I make someone say something they say they don't want to say?

And I don't want to make someone say it anyways, but like where do you go from here? And then you want to be patient. But again. What you have going for you is information. And the information is you've been together for four years. That's a long time. Yeah. You're 27 years old.

This is like, you know, a kind of a, you don't want to be wasting these years. And if you're a 27 year old single person, that's great, plenty of time. But it's not, it's not the, you know, what you don't want to be is spinning your wheels in a relationship. You have four years of information and just coast and operate on their timeline. it should be a wee timeline right you know and I would I would for you operate with some urgency about figuring out you know this is like a fork in the road pointing your relationship and it's you know it's sometimes scary yeah I feel like I have a year to figuring out why why are you giving yourself a year but what do you need to like I mean at that point is when all I've graduated

and we'll have to honestly it less than the year because we'd have to like really like start looking for places but I want you to focus you to focus you to focus on you know on progress, you know? Yeah. Because it's like, it's, again, is he willing to show up when you ask him to show up? That's the thing. Because like the, you know, there's, there's got to be something behind the why he doesn't say, I love you, right? I don't know. Who knows? Maybe his family never really said it. Maybe it's just like, I don't know, he's been, right? He thinks it's a bigger mental hurdle than it needs to be, you know, but whatever. But more importantly, he needs to show up when you ask him to show up.

Yeah. He needs to listen to his partner and his partner saying, hey, I'm feeling less close to you. And I want to feel closer to you. And what, and I want to do that with you. And then his own, the only correct response is,

okay, let's figure it out. I want to feel, I want you, I don't want you to feel that way towards me, you know, and it's not about being right. It's not about sides.

It's not about like, you know, I guess we need, you know, let's just, let's get some help. And I want, I want to,

you know, I want to, I want to, do this together with you. If he's like, you know, I don't think we need that. And it's just like, I don't, you know, I don't think, you know, we're not married yet. You know, all that is just like, kind of like, you're going to do like, I don't care about that. I just want to know you're going to show, I don't want to know you're willing to do your part in this relationship. Yeah. And I want to know, I want to know you can show up. And I don't want to wait until I'm married to find out someone's willing

to work on our issues together. I'm not going to do that. Right. Yeah. I would agree with that. Yeah, I guess all I'm saying when you say six months, year, wait, you just, you should, you should start making changes today. And by changes, I mean, like, change the way you kind of have this conversation. I would bring up couples therapies sooner than later. I would get better at explaining why, what your expectations are of your future. Yeah. The good news is, is he probably will come around, you know? It's just like, but you have to, you're going to have to, you're going to have to give him some tough love.

And you're going to have to know that you're making the right decision for yourself and him. even if that means it might not go the way you want. But what you don't want is to fast forward 10 years and to be married this guy. And you're calling in and you're just like, you know, my husband, I have two kids. He doesn't help. I don't know how he feels about me. And he, you know, we just give giving up on each other. Yeah.

I would agree. It would be nice for him to like be able to communicate better, not even just the I love but even just normal, like, you look nice today, like, just simple things like that, but I don't really hear. And that's weird. That's weird that you've asked, and he still doesn't do it. Yeah. I wouldn't call him weird, but I would. And you would just say, I want to be, I don't think it's too much to ask to want someone to say that and have to bet, you know, it's just like, and I don't know why you are so resistant, but I assume that you, you know, and you could ask him, is.

is do you is do you know why if he says i don't know you but great that's totally okay i don't i don't know either but that's why i want to explore some couple therapy because i you know but do you you know like i don't most people just have you know they want to they want to they want to they want to hear i know i feel like normally it comes like so naturally and it just feels like everything is like worse but don't let them call you needy don't let them call you like if he starts name calling and things like that huge red flag He doesn't do that, no. Okay, that's good.

You know, I don't, yeah, why are you being so needy? You're insecure, blah, blah, blah, you know, like, I don't, I'm good. Because if you, that would be a real good. Yeah. That's a good sign. But yeah, I would, I would take this, this, I think this is something for you to do something about sooner than later. And hopefully it works out. And listen, if he's the right guy, it'll work out.

Yeah. And I do think he will come around. Like, and I think progress, like you had mentioned is kind of like a big thing for me to see if there is any progress with him after having this conversation. I don't know. And like, I wanted to get your perspective because I haven't told literally anybody that he hasn't said this to me.

I just feel like it's so embarrassing at this point. Like my friends, my family, they. Well, I, no, I mean,

you have every right to feel that way. I just wouldn't, I wouldn't lead with that. No. Yeah, I won't do that. You know, this is about I want to feel more connected to you.

and I don't want to guess about how you feel with me and everyone needs to like receive love from their partner, you know? And, and I have a hard time receiving love from you. And, and it's harder with the distance, but obviously I like to hear it. You never, you never tell me.

Even the, forget out the love part. Like just. Right. You never just communicate what you appreciate about this relationship. And I'm not, and I'm not saying, I need, like,

I don't need you to do that obsessively or every day. You just literally never. Yeah. And so I literally don't know. Yeah. And that's literally not okay. Right.

But like I know you had said too, like don't use like words like never and stuff like that. Well, if he's never done it, then it's a very powerful thing. Don't do it when it's not true. Yeah. I mean, like I'm sure he has, but they're not like, I can't remember the last time, I guess. There you go. And that's a great way of saying it. I can't remember the last time.

Yeah. It feels like never. But I don't want to exaggerate. I don't even think I need to exaggerate because I literally can't remember. Yeah, because he will call me out for things like that. And we're like, no, there was this time. And it's like, okay, but that was like years ago, you know? Yeah.

And that's crazy. Say it out loud. Oh, yeah. You're right. Christmas of 23. I said you looked nice in that outfit. Right. Yeah, exactly.

Like I should wear it more often then, apparently. Yeah. I don't want to feel like a needy. girlfriend because my boyfriend has such a difficult time saying nice things to me or communicating any version of love and I'm willing to be patient with you but I'm not willing to just ignore it and I'm not willing to not see if you're willing to show up for us. That's the biggest thing. What is he willing to do? He is willing to move for you. That's a good. That's a cool thing. I appreciate what you said. I'm definitely going to go forward that advice and see how it goes. I just hope he's

receptive for and I just my expectations are are low so because but listen it might it might be a bit of a process right you know you're expecting resistance you'll probably get the resistance he needs to know you're being serious about it and you have to do in a way that doesn't sound like you're nagging yeah and the good news is you have that kind of like the whole moving in conversation think you know right he knew you were serious yeah he knew that like whether it's like I'm doing this anyway. Right. There's some kind of ultimatum, I guess. Yeah. If you're serious about the fact that like, hey, it's just like, this is not about making you say I love you. This is the back that you, I like just, we, I don't, this is how I want to feel in a relationship and you don't make me feel

this way. And I, I, I assume that you would, that would be hard for you to hear. You want, all right? And I don't, you know, I don't think I'm being crazy. I don't think I'm being too much. I'm sure it's hard to hear, but I, you know, and the more serious he takes you, the more likely he will eventually come around. Yeah, I would take it seriously because, like, I don't find it like an unsurious conversation. Like, I feel like it is like a big deal and he should also. Yeah, it's a big deal that he's, he knows it's bothering you and he doesn't care enough to do something about it. Right. But he also might not have the tools or the, he might need a gentle push.

Or a big push. or a big push, but just do it in a way that's not side comments and encourages him to be stubborn. Yeah. That's the thing. Like you're saying things that kind of encouraged him to be stubborn, define it. And you want to have a conversation with him that kind of encourages him to be less

stubborn. Yeah. And if he's still willing to be stubborn after you were genuinely trying to just connect with him, then that's a big red flag that you're just maybe with a person who's being stubborn and being right is more important. to them than connecting with their partner. Yeah, I agree. And being empathetic to how they're feeling and how their actions make them feel. I know, it's like if I didn't have these conversations with him,

like, how long could he go without ever saying? Maybe forever. I mean, again, like, I think there's a a big chance that, like, there's a lot of, listen, there's like my dad literally never said, I love you to, his family didn't say, I love you ever, you know? That just wasn't what they did. I hear him, like, say it, like, with his family. That's correct. crazy. That's even crazier. Right. So I'm just like, anyway, this is all to say like, you know, every family, every person has different rules

and what that word means to them and things like that, but like doesn't mean those things can change and you have a right to feel a certain way about it. Yeah. And more importantly, he should care that you care and it affects you and bothers you. And this is not like you're, you're not bringing this up three weeks into your relationship. Yeah, four years.

Or in the first six months. It's been four years. He's moving, in with you. Yeah. Like what like this he doesn't get to keep playing house while being so stubborn about communicating words of affirmation. Yeah. I know because like even if when I say it to him it's just like I don't even want to like say it anymore I feel like because yeah no it's weird. It's defeating. It's yeah. And like every time it's just like oh my God. Because you just get nothing back right. And it's like okay. Silence. Yeah. You got to you got to change the trajectory. have I guess the relationship in a way.

Yeah. And just the more earnest you are, the more calm you are, the more matter of fact, the more like just like, hey, it's just like, you know, the better it is. Try to take the emotions out of it in a way. I don't know if that makes any sense. But it's a lot of, this is less about getting your way. Yeah. And this is what you need to be in a relationship.

Yeah, it's definitely not getting my way at this point yet. He says just what I need it. Yeah. I feel like any human being wants to feel loved by their partner. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. Don't, like again,

there's something probably going on that's stopping him from doing it rather than he's just being stubborn. I don't know what that is or where it comes from, and he's probably a little stubborn too. Yeah, he's definitely. But, you know, it's like what, you know, this is like some version of you're going to attract more bees with honey than vinegar and be a,

be a you know give them some honey you're you're you're sprinkling vinegar veneager with your your comments so yeah when you speak to them think of it in that context of like you are be sweet be caring try to connect try to but also be clear about what you need yeah I can do that keep us posted yeah I will I will just try to do it tonight maybe all right all right Godspeed yeah All right. Well, thank you. I appreciate it. Good, bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. A lot of people take supplements every day and assume they're getting all the benefits, but their body is most likely not absorbing all the nutrients. Well, the absorption company is focused on solving the problem of low supplement absorption. There are supplements use advanced absorption technology designed to deliver significantly higher bioavailability than other supplements. Magnesium supports more than 300 functions in your body, including sleep, recovery, stress, regulation. in overall wellness, while the adsorpsum company's magnesium absorbs up to eight times better than standard magnesium supplements. Their WLP1 formula is a daily weight management solution designed to

support natural GLP1 activity, appetite control, metabolism, and thermogenesis. Berberine, aka Nature's Ozympic supplements, are for metabolism and blood sugar support. If you're already investing in supplements that support your wellness goals, use the absorption company and get the most nutrients possible. Since taking their supplements, I definitely can feel the difference in my overall energy, and I certainly need all I can get. Start taking supplements. Your body can actually absorb. Go to Absorbmore.com and enter code V-I-A-L at checkout for up to 35% off your first order. That's absorb more.com and enter V-I-A-L at checkout for 35% off your first order. Well, we all know on a Sunday morning, my favorite thing to do is rearrange a room, and Nick

absolutely hates it, but with cozy furniture, he is like more, he's more down. He's more down because it's easier. It's easier to convince me to do it. Right, because it's cozy. Because cozy specializes in modular furniture, which means you can customize your setup and reconfigure it. Whenever you want, your space can evolve as your needs and taste change without having to replace everything. So say you like, it's just you and your partner and you have just like a three-seater couch. Well, then you have kids and then you need a NL couch. So easy to add on. One of the best features is removable and washable covers, whether you have kids, pets, guests, or just everyday life stuff. It is so easy to take off and wash. They also offer.

rug, side tables, coffee tables, dining tables, dining chairs, shelves, outdoor furniture, and their new bed system with more than 100 customizable configurations. There's a lot of ways of sleep. So transform your living space today with cozy.com. That's co-ZEY.com. The Home of Possibilities Made Easy. How's it gone? Good.

How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Megan. I'm 31 years old and I'm wondering how I can share my baby with my friends and family without feeling like my time's being robbed. Okay, tell me more. So I feel like maybe the root of why I'm like bitter about it is just that I have to work.

Like having a baby, I feel like I really wanted to talk to me about this because I feel like you and Natalie, like raising a child is kind of my Super Bowl. And I'm disappointed that I can't be a stay-at-home mom. It just doesn't work out for us. We don't have any family that lives around us. So when they come visit, it's like when I'm off work. and I don't really need help, you know. It's not like in the middle of the week when I'm, like, needing help with things.

It's like when I'm completely free, and that feels like my time to hang out with him. Well, have you communicated that? Yes, I have with my parents, and they're pretty good about that. They've come a lot less than they were. They were coming almost every weekend, every other weekend. So is it that you don't want them there,

or when they are there, you don't want them to be like, let me hold the baby, let me hold the baby, let me hold the baby, let me hold the baby, kind of thing or a little bit of both. I think it's a little bit of both because I think ever since I've had him, like not one person has ever come to visit me and then like, let me help you with something so you can enjoy your baby.

It's just always been like, baby, baby, baby, let me have the baby. Is that something you guys can communicate? Probably. I feel like my wife and I are a little conflict diverse. So we struggle with that, I guess. She's way worse than I am. Yes. Bummer.

We need a brave one. Yeah. Well, you know, you can call me and I'll tell them. Right. Listen, it doesn't have to be a conflict. I think that's the biggest thing. I think people who are conflict-diverse make the mistake of is to assume that everything has to be a conflict.

And a direct conversation isn't always a conflict, you know. Also, I just think your story, I can relate to what you're going through. You know, I think Natalie and I overall were very, we're very, grateful for our ability to try you know to do both obviously like Nally works with me not like a full you know she has some freedoms that maybe not everyone has but nevertheless like I can relate to that desire she has right to just be a mom um and obviously grandma and everyone wants to hold the baby but I think it's just like we're good at asking for help you know it's just I really we just need help we just you know but the help we need is like

Honestly, like, it would, I would be so grateful because, like, I, you know, I got to work Monday through Friday. But, like, when you're, you know, to just, it's, I think there's such a balance between, like, I have a baby, go to the grocery store with me. And I would be, could you, I would be so helpful if you could do this for me. Now, if they, you know, like, you know, if they start to be like, no, it's not my job. You know, I don't know. Do you feel like you have people in your family that would respond that way, where that if you, like, gently asked for help that they would somehow be. unwilling or or or or or be like I'm not here to help I'm just here to hold the baby definitely not my side of the family um it's really hard for me to present anything to my in-laws I guess um

we just we just don't have a great communication um I mean even when they're here and if they're doing something that I don't love if I say hey like don't love that it just changes the whole vibe of the whole weekend interaction give me an example of when you're saying I don't love that so I'm an operating room nurse so I'm a little bit of a germaphobe he and And this is my first kid, so I'm aware of him a little crazy. But, like, he'll drop a binky. I mean, this was when he was first born, I guess. He's eight months now.

But they just thought I was so silly from wanting to, like, wash a binky every time. And I'm like, I don't my shoes look like bottom of them. And I just kind of assume everyone else's shoes look like them. They go in public restroom. I just, like, do this full spiral germaphobe thing. And they just get real huffy, puffy about it. And I don't know. So which one is it?

Which one is it more of? Is it the binky falls out and they don't do what you would do when they're around and not wash the binkie and you get upset? Or is it them teasing you about how neurotic you are about the binkie? Which, by the way, I don't think you're neurotic. I think we would wash the binkie. Right. I could take the teasing. That doesn't bother me.

It's more just to go a little further past that, like they want me to leave him with them. And I've never left them with him. and I'm just like, I don't trust that what I want to happen while I'm gone is going to happen with you watching him. I just want you to remember no matter how conflict-averse you are or aren't. This is your kid. It's your kid. Right.

Knowing can tell you, you know, and as long as you are a good parent, and I'm assuming you are, and there's obviously everyone has different thoughts, feelings on best practices. It's your kid. It's your blood. You and your wife get to raise this. child how you see fit and no one including any your parents get to have to do to say that to say otherwise it's just a matter of being very matter matter of fact you know and it's not negotiating with people that don't have the right to negotiate with you you know and so you can just gently without without trying to be you know

angry or aggressive about it just be like hey listen like you know listen i we need the help and i would love for you you know, but like I just, you know, if you're going to do that, we, we, we, we, we want to feel comfortable that you're going to do what we want. Um, and it's not like, you know, it's like, that's that simple. Nally's mom has been extraordinarily helpful for us now that River gets older. We, we only want River to, like right now, River only watches old Disney movies. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow, White, Bambi. It's just like, it's, it's old school. it's fine it's just and her mom put on some other show

my mom did the same thing recently too wasn't a big deal it wasn't like oh my god it was like hey we just we're not we don't have her watch that so if she wants a lot something else can you just put on that show yeah and the only like reasonable response from either

is to be like oh okay no problem sure thanks for letting me know if next time that were to have happen again, then it would be a slightly, like, maybe. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable because it's like, this is my kid. And like, you just have to, you just have to like, you, the minimum respect is just to respect how I want to raise my kid, you know, and I know I'm saying this, that it kind of comes easy for me and not with other people. Yeah. But it's just like, I just have, you know, when I'm saying that, when I am saying this and when I'm communicate that, and now it's the same way. It's just like,

It's just, this isn't even complicated. This is my kid, you know, and it's just, you know, I, we just want you guys to respect, you know, the choices we're making. And it doesn't mean grandparents and your parents, I'm sure your parents and her parents have wisdom they can share and you should be open to receiving that wisdom, you know. And I would say to help with that relationship is to be open to hearing their wisdom, knowing that you don't have to take everything, you know. Right.

And there's that balance. I mean, like, yeah, we don't, you know, but that's just some really good advice. Thanks for, you know, thank them for advice they give from time to time. And you can thank them for advice without making them feel like you, you know, they're like a mentor in a way that you always have to take all their advice. If you feel like the vibe is shifting, you're part of that vibe. If that makes any sense. Yeah. Well, I was going to ask, I'm like, I think it maybe wouldn't go smooth in the beginning, but maybe you just with consistency of just stating those facts, this is my kid.

this is how we do it. The thing is, when I do that, I do that as if like, I, this is, I'm not, I don't, I'm not weird about it. I'm just more like, oh, yeah, for sure, like, just, oh, by the way, you wouldn't know that because it's not your kid, but like, right. I don't make it weird. I don't feel uncomfortable simply just saying what I want for my child. Yeah. As long as Natalie and I are on the same page, it's all it matters. Like, and that's the thing is I just hope you and your wife are very connected with what you guys want for your son. And that just goes a long way, knowing that, like, yeah, and again, just be clear, like, daddy's mom's great, you know, but like, she's not in every conversation that we have. She's like, and we don't sit there and give her a tutorial, but like when we,

when we are, we are aligned and therefore it's easy for us to communicate with my parents or her parents or anyone, you know, what we want. And it's, you know, just like, yeah, just do what we want. And that way it's kind of communicated where it's less of like, well, you, if you can't do this, we won't do that. But, you know, there's, it's, it's just kind of gently being like, obviously we'd want you to watch. Now, granted, you're, you know, I'm sure that's going to be a hurdle for you, you know, like it's never. Yeah, for sure. Easy. But try doing it for like a couple hours. Is that part of why they're not being helpful? Like, if they're coming to visit over the weekend, are you not asking them to say run an errand for you because you don't want to leave them home with your son?

Like, have you ever, like, left them for an hour with somebody? Oh, yeah. And he, I'll leave him with my parents. Like, last weekend, we went to brunch together. Okay. My wife and I and left him with my parents. Would you leave, would you do that with her parent? It's hard for me. Is that, is that a you decision or is that a we decision? I think she would leave him with them. I could ask her that. I think she would be like, yeah, there's roots there with me and her parents. Um, we go to the, therapy. Her and I both go to therapy individually and together. What's going on with her parents?

Her parents raised her Catholic, K-12, like private Catholic school. So when she married me at the Hornetode at the Lake of the Ozarks, that was kind of disappointing for them, I think. Wait, you were the Hornetode? No, it was, it's a bar and restaurant at the Lake of the Ozarks, and that is where we got married. Okay. And they were. a woman at the horny toad. Gotcha. Gotcha. Is that something they definitely care about or something that you assume they feel a certain way about?

Like how? Oh, no. In the beginning, there was some pretty direct ways that they, like I went to a wedding that she was in. It was a Catholic Mass. And I sat with them at the wedding and we did the Peace Be With You thing. And went for her dad and her dad looked right at me, turned her. around, didn't do it. And I mean, that's just one example. There were several very similar to that. When her parents come to visit you, does he acknowledge your existence? Yes, he's much better now.

Okay. So he's much better now. But they never acknowledge that, I guess, and that is what bothers me, I guess, and I guess that's what their roots are. I'm in no position to tell you how to feel about bigotry or small-minded people when it comes to you being a gay woman. that being said i just like listen life in general you know i can't late i can't relate to your individual experience but i can you know and that's the thing is you know this whole show this whole podcast is about like i may not be a woman i'm not gay but like i a lot of these things i talk about i've related on the of the feeling you know and i know i know what's like to be judged by people i know what it's like to not be you know feel welcome to

by the person I'm dating's parents. And at the end of the day, like, whatever that feeling comes from, it's, you know, that feeling is that feeling and how we handle that feeling is the thing that where I get my lived experience. So this is all to say, I'm not trying to minimize your experience, and I'm sure that must hurt. But I, you know, focusing on the progress rather than, you know, is just more beneficial. you do have a child with these people's daughter.

And unless I don't know, like, you know, I grew up very Catholic, you know, if you would have, you know, high school me would have thought that my parents would disown all their kids or certainly not recognize their marriage if they didn't get married by a Catholic priest. None of their kids have been married by a Catholic priest. I have three siblings that are a part of the LGBTQI community. and my parents like it's been a

you know they have evolved and adapted you know and I honestly don't know if if if any of my siblings have a story or a version or people they've dated

have a story or a version where they felt like maybe you know I don't know they didn't you know my parents didn't say or do something right I'm not sure how like when you go to therapy

with your partner like how much are you still religating things that have happened and then and feeling a way because they they haven't come correct to your standards versus focusing on just like how they show up today versus how they showed up, you know, in the past, if that makes sense.

I don't think we're really relitigating it. I almost just feel like I'm taking that feeling that you're talking about and just saying like this is a fact and this is how I am and this is how we are and this is how our relationship is I'm just not around then. And before we had a kid, it wasn't really an issue. Our therapist wants us to like have this conversation with them, but they're, they're a little older. What's the conversation your therapist wants to have with them? He suggests that we should like just expose the roots and see how they like, not aggressively or anything, but just say like, hey, this is how I feel and this bothers me and then give them the opportunity to just like apologize, I guess. But that conversation almost is really awkward.

Yeah. Is there any version of that sort of, of that? story where if you said, hey, you remember that time I went to that Catholic Mass and you didn't acknowledge me that his response would be like, I don't know what you're talking about or I don't remember doing that or something like that. Yeah, I could see that for sure. Would you believe it? No. Why not? You don't think it's possible? I mean, it looked me right in the eye. We're right next to each other. I don't think that's possible. Like, okay. Fair. How long ago, how long? How long ago was that how much into your relationship was that um that was probably a year in and we've been together 11 years now okay you say you're holding on this 10 years okay yep maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe

let that shit go yeah has there been progress the conversation doesn't feel even authentic to me like when my therapist suggests that that's what we should do it's just like I don't more importantly I guess for me like how do you how are they showing up now they are very excited about him they think he's great how do you feel they show up for you That's maybe the issue, I guess. It's more like they come to play with my shiny toy that I made for them. Like, that's, I guess, how I feel. Are you telling yourself that?

Like, do you still feel rejected by them? Well, when I was pregnant, I was really so depressed. Only thing that made me happy was food. I need, like, 80 pounds. And I was, like, sick. Just things didn't sound good. They'd want to go to eat at this one place. And I would be like, no, I don't want to do that.

And it just was like, we'd end up there. it was, I don't know, just little examples like that, I guess, where it's just like, I'm saying I'm not going to eat that, like, but we're still ending up here like, well, they have a turkey, say how much you can eat here. I'm like, I do hold a great. I'm not really great with these people.

I think this is an accurate call out right now, but. Listen, they might just be like difficult people who aren't very considerate, you know, and they're not like the best in-laws. And I don't know, it's like, honestly, like, if you came to visit me, and I was like, I want to go to dinner here. And someone was like, yeah, but I don't really, like, there would be a part of me that would be like, well, they have

a turkey sandwich, you know. Even if I'm pregnant and I'm like, no, I mean, listen, I, I would be quick by my wife or something. Listen, I'm just saying there's a, the, the inconsiderate version of me is capable of doing that. And I, as I've gotten an older, more empathetic, and I'm more willing to be reminded when I'm being selfish or whatever and quick to be like, yo, that was crazy. There are a lot of things that I'm set in my ways. And I just am I am. And I would just be careful for the sake of your relationship and your child and their, you know, grandparents that like clearly that thing happened. That was hurtful 10 years ago. You didn't forget about it. It sat with you for over a decade. But I would just be careful not to

confuse a old stubborn man in his hometown with having him more to do with you than the fact that he wants to go to his place. I guess this is just another excuse I would give when I'm wondering a few. Like for them watching him, the mom, they're older than my parents, like a solid 10 years older and just not as in great health, I guess. So like, I mean, our house, the living room's down there. I'm in his room right now. You got to walk upstairs to get to his room and change him here and just watching the mom walk up the stairs without him in her arms and he's a 19 pound boy now and i just like you want me to leave i guess it's just a matter of is this like i think she could get her ass up here with him but i just i wouldn't want to see it yeah you just got to ask

yourself if am i looking for reasons to have a reason to not feel comfortable or or is he you know yeah we had a a wonderful person we knew was helpful with river um She is older. And when River got to a certain age, we asked her less because of, you know, it was easy for her to come over and read a book while River was already in bed. You clearly have something that you've held on to. A grudge, for sure. I just wonder if you could just let it go. You could choose to let it go.

Again, I don't want to tell you how to feel and I can't. I don't want to overstep. But, like, I'm just saying, I think there's some version of, you know, you're not. telling yourself, listen, that pissed me off. It hurt my feelings. And I hope that my in-laws don't judge me. But like it sounds like they love their daughter and she's gay and she married a woman and, you know, I don't know. Maybe it wasn't what they would have chose for their daughter, but they've learned to accept it, get around, I don't know, evolve a little bit, maybe, I don't know. certainly I'm sure you've heard and have friends who have more horrific stories when it comes to their relationships with their parents in the gay community

and so maybe the version you tell yourself is like listen you know what that pisses me off I'm not but like all things considered could be worse they're not the worst people they annoy the fuck out of me sometimes but like I love my wife they love hurt their daughter, they love our child, and let me just look for ways to, like, not let things bother me, because right now you've acknowledged, and the theme is, you find a way to let them get under your skin, and you kind of look for it a little bit. And I think just that alone could just help your mental health or your relationship. That doesn't mean you have to roll over and concede every time. It is your child, and at the end of the day, you have the power to, say yes or no. And I think knowing that you have that power about something they want,

which is access to your grandchild, hopefully that makes you just, I think that maybe can, if nothing else, make it make it easier for you to swallow, you know, like to swallow your pride, look together, whatever you want to call it. Because like it is your choice, because you are in control. And that sometimes makes it easier for, you can kind of almost convince yourself that you're, it's happening because you're allowing it to happen. And, you know, it's not, not being told what to do or what you have to do. Because like, you know, I imagine, you know, when you first met your wife and then she introduced you to her parents and things like that, like there, that there's a control or a power, more importantly, a power dynamic that the parents

have. You want their approval. You want to be approved by the parents of the person you love and whether you get, you know, but now they want your approval. They need your approval. They want your, you know, grandson's approval, you know. And I don't. I don't think you should retaliate. I don't think you should hold it over their head, but hopefully you can feel a little bit more in control of this relationship than you had in the past. And you can almost tell yourself, listen, for a couple old Catholics, they're not perfect, but they could be worse. Listen, I'm really proud of my parents for evolving the way that they have. You know, I haven't, I haven't, you know, and again, I guess I have less of a reason, too, but I haven't checked in.

gone down a list of all the, you know, progressive ideologies of like, well, do you believe this and do you believe that? Do you still believe this? Do you still, you know, like, I don't know. You know, we're all imperfect people, but I, what I do appreciate my parents is what they have prioritized above all else is their family and their kids' happiness. And when they don't have to agree about every decision they make, they just have to like continue to show them love. And they have evolved in a really beautiful way. And I think the, the evolution of these people is more important than what happened 11 years ago. I think that's a fair assessment.

And I'm maybe asking too much to ask an old man and a woman just be like, do you remember that 11 years ago when you did that shit to me? Like, I promise you remember it way more than they did. 100%. Maybe it was a little bit of ignorance and a little bit of bigotry. Maybe it was a little bit of like in his head about who his daughter was dating and in his community at his church. And it doesn't make it okay that he did that.

But it makes it less of a, he was trying to say, fuck you to you. His context. And he was this kind of self-conscious and in that brief moment did a thing that really affected you that, you know, it's just not, not, it probably did not register at that level it registered for you. You have a million percent, right. And then you just have to ask yourself at this stage of the game, who, like, holding on to it, how much is it helping you?

or guarding you or how much is it protecting you do you need to protect yourself from these people no i think the only thing um is i don't want my son to um feel like our relationship his parents is anything but normal you and your wife will figure out how you're going to raise your child and and you have a you is you are in full control of of that and they will think of course this is their normal you're their parents you know what i'm saying like Mm-hmm. You're their normal. Right. You don't have to explain normal to them. What normal is to them is what they experience every day and they experience you too as, as their loving, as his loving parents. I'm a file pliles plus girl. I'm subscribed to the substack. I have the merch. So I like, I appreciate it. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. But like one thing, as you're talking and thinking, your energy, think of it like currency. It's not infinite. So I like how you just looked at me and said, could you let it go? It's hard to do. And it's easy to waste your energy and things.

that you realize don't ultimately matter. We've gotten into a rabbit hole of assuming the worst in everyone. And I think your life's this a lot better when you assume, when you do the opposite. It's just a little bit more enjoyable.

And we have better relationships with people when we assume the positive. I am going to try and let it go because this takes a lot of energy for me. And it does cause a lot of conflict between, not conflict, but we do a lot of therapy for this. Does it get you anywhere? Well, the therapist wants us to have a conversation with them, and I'm just like,

about what? This conversation sounds like, well, saying like these things that you did bothered me and give them an opportunity to either respond in a good way or not. What is your therapist hoping the outcome is, or what are they expecting these people to do? I guess just be aware and then come more correct towards me. like in the future. And that would bring up the question of like, are they, do you feel like overall they're not coming correct towards you in these days lately?

No. They're not. You don't think they are. The dad, honestly, the dad is a million times. Like, I, when I was pregnant, I felt like he respected me. He was like, he cared about me being okay. And whereas the mom was just like, well, the family picnic. And I really want you to come to the family picnic.

And it's 105 degrees outside. and I know you're tired, but like, and the dad was just like, go home, lay down. And how did you read that situation? Just that the mom wants my shiny toy but doesn't actually give a shit about me, like wants to show off. Look, I'm having a grandkid, but this person, I've never came into a shit about her before. To me, that's assuming, that's an example of assuming the worst. She could just be.

I can see that. Like a stubborn. Excited. I don't know. Yeah. Just honest, you know, like, she was just being kind of. honest of what she was hoping to she wanted you there and she was

guilting you a little bit. The same like a lot of mother-in-laws do regardless of your sexuality. You know, like there's you know. I mean, that's all of it. The good thing is the good news you have going for you, even the straight ones have complicated relationships

with her life. For sure. She has this grandma quota and it's just exhausting to me. What do you mean? Just like, well, I have to see in this amount of times I feel like and I have to come up. There's all these things that I want to do and boxes I want to check of activities I want to do. And I'm just like, I don't know when we're doing that. Before we had him, we weren't seeing you this much. And now I'm just like so selfish with my time. I'm just like I feel like I work so much and then I have my off time.

You should be selfish with your time with your child. You have every right to. You should never feel like you have to apologize. And I don't even feel like that's really the issue here. feel like these are a couple people who in the past have had moments of hurting your feelings. You have felt judged by them. You have felt excluded by them. In some cases, probably accurately so. And that's fair to you feel that way. But there's the flip side of that is that these people have been in your life for a decade.

You did marry their daughter. And overall, it sounds like you have a fairly decent relationship with these people. That doesn't mean they don't annoy you. or do everything you want, but you have acknowledged that you have held on to a moment for 10 years and that has played a huge role

in how you read every interaction with him. And let me know if I'm wrong by any of this. No, I see what you're saying. It's clicking better. And then it's hard not to get activated or frustrated or hurt. You know, sometimes, you know, like when,

it's something I'm really grateful that Nali and I do with each other is, you know, like, you know, we all can get fresher with their own parents. we're very lucky we both feel lucky to have the in-laws that we have but there are times where now they might get frustrated with her mom

or I might get frustrated with my parents it's easy for me to try to be like yeah but maybe she means this or maybe she doesn't mean that you know and we try to gently help each other see the best in our parents' intentions when we're frustrated and I don't know

I just find that really helpful and even if you're wrong again it's like do you want to be right do you want to be happy? It's just like... I've been thinking that too this whole time. You know, so... I don't want to be right. I mean, it's like... But when you say it out loud, right, that one situation, you know, your mother-in-law

wanting you to go to a picnic, but you wanted to stay home and then she made you feel guilty about it and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That sounds like a very normal, like, generally, like, kind of relatable story that you might hear from someone's in-law. And to whatever degree, you feel like that's coming from a place of judgment because you're gay and she married, you married her wife because of that handshake is, you know, probably takes a ton of energy that you probably don't need to invest because she could, that could, that could, it probably has nothing to do with that. Yeah.

She's just stubborn and just wants to show. Yeah. Yeah. Her, her, her obnoxiousness is not exclusive to who she, who she doesn't approve of their lifestyle choices. They're coming not this weekend, but next weekend. So I can try and just let it go and see how it goes. That sounds freeing.

It sounds nice. Just tell yourself, I'm going to see that. I would, again, it's literally an exercise. When something happens, that annoys you. You could literally pause and be like, if I need to, if I have to think of a reason why they are doing or saying this that has nothing to do with my instinctual feeling, or just trying to empathize with why they feel that way. I'm going to assume they have the best intentions

and just see how easy it is to do that. And if it's easy, then there's a good chance that might be the, you know, it's just like, okay, maybe it's just this. Maybe it's just that. Yeah, okay. I think this is good advice. I need this.

My wife's going to love this. I imagine, that's the thing. I imagine your wife, you know, who also is a gay woman, doesn't want to feel judged or shamed. And it sounds like she has a pretty decent relationship with her parents in that, you know. And let your wife be the best barometer of the progress her parents are making. So that way, whatever issues you have with them,

you can just chuck it up to good old fashion, like in-law stuff. You're right. And that's, it is what it is. Long time. Ten years, long time. So. Yeah. All right.

Okay. Hopefully it was helpful. Thank you. Thank you. Congratulations. Congratulations to you and your wife on motherhood. Such an awesome, awesome thing. And you never have to apologize for wanting to, like, be close to their child.

And just get good at asking for help. And just be gracious when you ask her help. Hey, is there any way you could do this for me? It would be so helpful. Okay. People like to help. Thank you. All right.

Take care. Tell Natalie, give my best, sending good vibes her way. All right. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye.