The Viall Files - E1152 - My Best Friend or My Fiance? | Ask Nick

Episode Date: July 6, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition! Our first caller is debating if she should invite her best friend, who hates her husband's friend group, to her wedding. Our second caller is struggling to determine what her summer fling wants. Our third caller is trying to help her best friend get along with her future brother in law.  Subscribe for more dating advice, relationship drama, and unfiltered Ask Nick calls every week. "I don't want unnecessary drama or conflict at my wedding."   Nick is on Substack! Subscribe here: https://nickviall.substack.com/subscribe ARE YOU A MESS BECAUSE OF YOUR SITUATIONSHIP? OR JUST IN GENERAL? Email [e-mail] with all your relationship questions and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes! Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content featuring updates from your favorite callers? Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + HERE: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/   Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter   To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Firstleaf: Head to https://tryfirstleaf.com/viall to sign up and you'll get 50% off your first box PLUS free shipping for an entire year. Article: Visit https://article.com/viall for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. ASPCA: To explore coverage, visit https://aspcapetinsurance.com/viall.  **To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  Timestamps: 00:00 - Caller One 24:24 - Caller Two 54:22 - Caller Three Episode Socials:  @viallfiles  @nickviall @justinkaphillips @baybaeee

It's going well. My name is Molly and I am 31 and I am calling today because I have to tell my best friend from high school that she is not invited to my wedding. Why do you have to tell her that? And why is she not invited? Both great questions. So I feel like I owe her the courtesy of telling her that she will not be invited. She knows that this. event is happening. She has tried to insert herself in my bachelor's party that I did not ask for. So I feel like it would be difficult to maybe, you know, not tell her because it's an invitation she will be expecting. And she is not invited because unfortunately she really, really dislikes my partner's friends. Okay. And what do you mean by really really? really dislikes. So this is my best friend from high school and my, I also met my partner in high school. And he is still friends with many of the people that he was friends with in high school. So we all

know each other. And unfortunately, there are a variety of different reasons why she, she doesn't like them. I think on one hand, although this was a long time ago, we weren't cool in high school. And my partner and his friends were. And she holds some resentment about that. She thinks people still see her the way she was in high school, even though I beg to differ. I don't think anyone still thinks about high school anymore except for her. And on the other hand, we did have an incident back in high school where my partner's childhood best friend did get her younger sister pregnant.

Your partner's childhood best friend getting your younger sister. Okay. Did she have the baby? She did have the baby. The baby has a great family. Her sister is doing great. She has a great life. She is married, has a great job.

So everyone's lives turned out okay. Okay. She married the guy or married a different guy? She married a different guy. Are you still friends with this former best friend? Yes. So we have maintained a friendship over the years to varying degrees. We, you know, didn't live in the same state for a long time.

And then we did live in the same state and now we live in different states again. So there's been varying degrees of closeness throughout the years. But we do still keep in touch. Are you ready to say goodbye to that friendship? That is a great question and something I have been asking myself. And I think I go back and forth. This friend does have redeeming qualities. She is hilarious.

Again, there's a lot of history there because we've known each other for such a long time. I'm 31 now and we met and became best friends our sophomore year of high school. So that's a lot of time that has passed. And I, you know, ideally would like to preserve the friendship, but I think I've reached a point where I'm just not sure that that's going to be possible. What do you think she's going to do if she comes to your wedding? Part of the issue that I have with her is that she can be, you know, really abrasive. And at times it's hard for her to essentially keep her mouth shut. So we've had some instances where even in front of my fiance, she has, you know, started saying negative things

about his friends. It gets, in my opinion, it's very inappropriate. You know, she knows that they're good friends. And that's just not the time or place to talk bad about them. She's not going to change my fiance's mind about his friends. And I wish she would just keep it to herself and vent about that to someone else if she felt the need to do it. And so I do worry about her getting along with the people who are there. And she has said before that if she were in a room with my fiance's childhood best friend, she would find it difficult to keep her mouth shut and not say anything to his friend who got her sister pregnant. Is he still involved with this kid? He is not. So the baby was adopted and lives in a different part of the country.

Oh, okay. And her sister just receives updates from time to time, but she's not really involved in the child's life either. Right. But I think the issue was all the way back in high school, this was a very difficult situation, of course. Sure. Her sister was in denial, kind of lied about the situation. And then when she finally told this guy that she was pregnant about a month before she was due, he didn't handle it well. Okay. Oh, that makes sense.

If there's any hope of not inviting her and still maintaining this friendship, and I get, like, I get what you're saying, right? I get it. But there are people in this world who have thought I probably was abrasive. There's probably people in this world who thought that maybe I lacked tact in various moments. and I'm sure there are times in this lifetime where I've given my opinion about people at a time when it wasn't welcomed and not necessary and not helpful. And I can still like, you know,

recognize when a day is not about me and we can all grow and evolve and yada, yada, yada. Which is all to say that uninviting her without, I mean, you're asked like, how do I do it and what do I say?

Well, you're, you know, you're going to have to be honest with her. Are you willing to uninvite her and be honest with her without at least giving her a chance? And I guess by a chance by saying, listen, can I just, can we talk? And I'm, I just want to be really honest with you. Like, I'm, I'm a little bit worried about inviting you to my wedding. Here's why. You've made it very clear about how you feel about some people. Love you, but you can at least acknowledge that sometimes, you know, you like to keep it real.

even when and other people don't want you to keep it real. And there's parts of that I love about you. But like on this particular day, it's not, I need you to promise me. You won't because it's literally not about you. And I don't want to worry about any type of drama or conflict, you know,

on my wedding day. And I feel like if you want to keep this person in your life as a friend, she deserves an opportunity to at least hear that, you know, and to say, she could say, well, that would be really difficult for me. You could be like, well, then maybe you should just sit when this one out. I won't be offended if you don't. Or she could be like, listen, I, you know, the correct response will be like, listen, I get, I put my phone in mouth.

I understand sometimes above, blah, blah, blah. But like, listen, I hope that you know that, like, I'm just here to celebrate you in your marriage. And I'm just, you know, that's, that's my only, like, that is, that's the correct response. And I, if she can't do that, maybe you shouldn't be friends with this girl. But I just wonder if maybe she can be invited and you can just talk to her about your concerns and she could just be normal. You know what I'm saying? Is that possible? Do you see, you know, do you, do you think there's a lane there? That is a great question. And that's something that I have wondered myself. I think, At times, I've been so scared of the fallout and she is very confrontational.

I am not confrontational. And I've sometimes worried that saying something might not be worth it because I have wondered if it would do any good. But I have wondered that if, you know, she is my friend, and I consider her a good friend, does she at least deserve the opportunity to hear the truth and hear my feelings and have the opportunity to react correctly? Yeah. Well, listen, I say this is someone who's comfortable as conflict in the way that your friend is.

And I also acknowledge that your wedding day is not a day to fuck with, so to speak. But on the other side, I think this is an opportunity for you to have the conversation that makes you a little uncomfortable, that you certainly can survive. And she's not going to hurt you. It just might be a little uncomfortable for you. and I think that's probably worth having. You don't know how that conversation is going to go, but you can certainly survive it, and the willingness to have that conversation,

there's a good chance that's the solution because you do have reason on your side. And unless she is just full on, I mean, like, I guess my point is, is like saying, do you really want to be with someone who can't possibly get out of her own? Like, then you're talking about someone

who's just incredibly self-centered and selfish. You know, because, for example, like, when I was like, I've, you know, I've been that person, blah, blah, blah. And, like, every once in a while, you're just like, you're around a group of people and you decide to be a little messing you speak up, but it's just like another Saturday night and like whatever. And your friend clearly is comfortable with some people not liking her, at least to a certain extent. And whatever. But on any Saturday night, it's not about her. And again, if she's so self-centered and so selfish that like on someone else's wedding, she can't just, like, let bygones be bygones.

And, you know, when she's like, oh, if I saw them, I've had a hard time not say anything, well, that's fair. You can say that. That's, you know, whatever, your choice. But, like, what if it's literally not about you on this particular day, you know? What, like, would you, like, is there any situation in which you couldn't keep her mouth shut? You know, like, you know, like, is she that unreasonable? There's also just, I will say something, and I don't know, you've probably heard me talk about weddings before.

but I think people underestimate the value of a little drama and a good story at a wedding. Because your job on your wedding day is to not care about any of these people. True. It's not your responsibility to focus your energy if they're having a good time. You obviously are going through some wedding planning. I'm sure it's stressful as fuck as it is for everyone dealing. You're putting in the work now to plan the party for your guests to have a good time to celebrate you and your future husband.

But on that particular day, I truly hope for you and your husband that you guys are so connected that you're really just not weren't, like there are, you know, shit will be happening that you're going to hear about later, you know, and it's all

it's all makes for a good story. Because how you feel about your wedding day is going to be the experience you feel with your partner. And I do think sometimes some good drama makes for a good, like, it makes for some good memories. There was a little bit of drama at our wedding.

It did not stop it from being an incredible wedding. Those are all very good points. And I agree when I am at weddings or I don't attend weddings, but I, you know, ask other guests, you know, was there any drama? Like, it's always fun to hear, you know, what's happening behind the scenes. Yeah. And it doesn't ruin the wedding. The only thing is going to ruin your wedding is not feeling connected to your partner.

And the only thing that's going to, you know, the only part of this story that's going to stop, that is if you have your energy focused in the wrong direction. If you wake up worrying about what's Mandy going to say to Eric, you know, such as like what you shouldn't give a fuck, you know. That being said, it is definitely worthy of a conversation with your friend and you have a right to ask all your guests to just like not make that today about them. But for someone who's not comfortable with conflict, I honestly think the easier choice is to have this conversation than to just be like, you're not invited because I think you're crazy and selfish. That is fair. Yes. And I think that is a good point to at least give the opportunity to see what she says before, you know, taking the most dramatic option.

Yeah. And then, you know, you could talk to her. She could be like, no, for sure. And then the wedding day could happen. And she could not do the thing she promised not to do. But that's, that's, you know, then you can just deal with that. It still won't impact your wedding. You know, I don't, I mean, do you mean, is she going to make a scene? Is she a big drinker? Like, is it going to get so bad that like the wedding stops? I don't think so. I don't think that would happen. I think I'm a little bit nervous because it is going to be like a micro wedding. Like there will be like 10 to 15 people there.

And so there's just less of a buffer. That's an element you didn't meant. That's it. That's fair. That's different. That's a little different. So I would worry less if it was a big wedding and there was going to be a lot of people there to buffer. I think I would be a lot less worried about this.

But I think because there's going to be so few people there, it just increases the opportunity that she's going to have to interact with people. That's fair. That's a good point. Yeah, that does make it tougher. I still think the advice still stands that, like, listen, if you can't have this conversation, what's the point of being friends with this person? If you have that little faith in her, and if she can't get out of her own goddamn way for one afternoon,

then it's just. And as a friend, as someone who, you know, I don't think I've ever been this bad. I don't think anyone's been that worried about me, like you're worried about your friend. But as someone who, you know, can be a little unafraid of conflict and a little, like, sometimes, you know, I've been that, certainly in my younger years. I would have appreciated the opportunity to be like, listen, I know I can be that way, but like, please have a little faith in me that I'm not a total disaster. Was she curious is why she was not included in the Bachelorette party?

So it wasn't that she wasn't included in the Bachelorette party. When I ended up telling her in a text message that I was engaged because I actually wasn't sure that she would have the best reaction to me telling her I was engaged. So when I told her a long time ago now that I was dating my fiancé, she cried because she was so upset about my fiancé. She's attachment to this guy from our past. She is single, and she sometimes has a hard time getting out of her own way to be, like, happy for other people. And so I did not tell her. She wasn't a friend that I FaceTime and was like, oh, my gosh, guess what? You know, my fiance proposed.

I told her in a text message. And when I sent her this text message in a group text, she, the other person, in the group text already knew. That was a friend who I had FaceTime to be like, oh my gosh, I'm engaged. She immediately messaged me one on one and said, hey, I want to plan your bachelorette because I wasn't able to plan so-and-so's bachelorette because I was poor and living in a different city at the time. And this will be my one chance to plan a bachelorette. So I really want to plan it. And also your sister-in-law is not invited. That's crazy.

And it is a little crazy. What did you respond with? Because it's funny because it's, I mean, I imagine her, the initial response was surprising that she was positive about the engagement and then hit you with the, but I'm still not over it. Yes. So she, I just responded and I said, you know, thank you for offering. That is very nice. I just got engaged. I don't have any plans for anything right now.

So if, you know, I decide even to have a bachelorette, I will keep you posted. And she's brought it up a few times and I've just tried to put it off because at this bachelorette, I might want to include the wives and girlfriends as some of those people that my fiancee is friends with. And I don't know that she would be okay with that. She had kind of said like, hey, wouldn't it be fun if your bachelorette was just me and our one other friend that I like? And no, you know, I don't think that would be. fun. And so I've someone tossed out the idea that I could have two bachelorette. That's crazy. A normal. Yeah, it's just getting a little crazy. You need to have this conversation with your friend because she is way too comfortable suggesting crazy shit. And there's no way she hasn't gotten this comfortable without knowing either consciously or subconsciously that you don't actually push back. You just kind of avoid. No, that's a really good point. You know, you're just kind of like, she's never heard how crazy she is and just like, at least not for me.

So you just need to do it in a way that is up front, honest, but not mean. You know, you're just like, yo, come on. Like you can't, maybe you were kidding, but like if to whatever degree you weren't kidding, like I can't, you can't ask not to exclude. I'm getting married to this person. I hope it goes without saying that this is the most important person in my life.

And with that comes like, listen, you've been my, one of my closest friends for a really long time. And that's a friendship. I want to still matter. But, you know, we are adults now. And I can't keep holding on to like your, like, to, to, to shit you haven't let go. And I'm not telling you to get over stuff.

But, like, again, I'm just want to be up front. Like, I'm having a really small wedding. A lot of people aren't invited. And you've made it very clear how you feel about these people. And I am not telling you to get over it. but like this is my day and I'm just need to ask you if if you can like check yourself on my day and I'm not here to silence you but if you can't promise me that I can't have you come to the wedding and that's a very reasonable conversation that like I think you just you as a person who can

acknowledge you're not good with conflict needs needs to have that it will it will be like this is more about the to me from my advice is coming from you can do this you need to be at doing this. It is a life skill. If you're so bad at conflict to the point you let people in your life get comfortable with saying crazy shit to you, that is not, not, that's not good for you. Yeah. No, I think I think you're exactly right. And again, I think that I've just established some really bad habits in this relationship because we have been friends for so long, right? I did not meet this person in my adulthood when I was kind of better at setting boundaries. I met this person when I was really young and in high school.

And I, you know, really didn't know how to handle conflicts and really didn't know how to set boundaries back then. And I think I just established some bad habits that I never addressed or fixed. And now it's really like coming to a head. And I do need to say something. I think, yeah, there we go. We have a good plan. So that way, you know, maybe she's invited. Maybe she's not invited.

But I have the conversation first and then and then decide. Because like just. Okay. I think that's fair. Okay. All right. Cool. Well, I'm dying to know how this goes. Thank you. I appreciate. I appreciate the advice. I think that is really like a good middle ground of, you know, letting everything kind of rest on her shoulders and how she reacts to just me bringing up some very honest feelings and concerns that I have. Yeah. You know, listen, she's valid to feel how she feels. As a friend, you would suggest to maybe be mobile. Like, listen, a lot of time has passed. We are, none of us are the same person as high school. So like, and I'm not. I'm not telling you how, you know, to let things go. Obviously, like, this was a traumatic time in your family's life, but, and I want to respect that, but this is not your day. And you can say to some level, it was a little concerning and maybe you were joking, but I honestly don't think you were that you tried to make my, you made my, my potential bachelor's more about you and your comforts and what you wanted or what you didn't want than about me. And that's just not how my wedding's going to go. Yeah.

I think that's all fair. Worry less about how she's going to react and really see this as an opportunity to feel good about, you know, speaking your mind with someone you really haven't spoken your mind to. Hopefully it feels empowering for you. Well, thank you. I think that's a really good way to look at it. And I think you're right. I've kind of let this relationship go far too long without setting boundaries and being able to tell her how I feel and in good friendships, you should be able to tell. them how you feel. And so this will be a good test. I don't, well, not necessarily test. I don't like that

word, but just like a good barometer of, you know, is this someone who's going to be caring about my feelings or not? Yeah, because, you know, you're 31 and you already, I'm sure I've known this, but as you move in this part of your life and you're, you don't have time for relationships in your life that no longer serve you. And you care less and less about relationships existing because of how they started and more about like, what. they do for you today. And so she needs to show up as your friend today and not, not it's, it's, you know, we were friends in high school. It doesn't get you very far these days. And you'll, you'll just, it's just not worth your time or energy. I think that's true.

Thank you. All right. Well, please give us an update if you have one to give. I will, for sure. I will keep you posted. When's the big day? We, we are going to have a long engagement. So we are thinking September of next year. Awesome. Cool. Don't put off this conversation more than you need to. Don't let your long engagement extended, you know. Yes, I agree.

I would rather stop worrying about it, especially as I'm in the planning process and thinking about who's going to be there and how many people we need to accommodate for. I think it would be take some stress off of my shoulders just to have this conversation and then, you know, get things figured out. Just out of curiosity, why does she blame the entire friend group for something that happened with her sister?

I think it's a mix of things. I think she doesn't like that one guy because of what happened with her sister. And for the rest of the people, a lot of her insecurities are rearing their heads. I think for the rest of the people, she says, you know, I don't like those people because I feel like they didn't like me in high school and they still see me as I was in high school. And I think what's actually happening is she still has some leftover insecurities and she might still see herself to some degree as she was in high school because in my opinion, if she had really changed and felt confident, she wouldn't care about what anyone thought of her in high school

because she could be like, yeah, I'm a different person now. Or maybe she's not. Or maybe she was a pain in the ass then and she's a pain in the ass today. I think that I don't want to admit to myself, maybe that that's true. But just with the way things are going, I think that might very well be the case. Well, you know, I've been a pain in the ass. I can be a pain in the ass. I will say the pain in They can also grow and change. And it sometimes takes a good friend to have a tough conversation to just say, listen, you just don't, you can pick and choose your battles. Really good advice.

All right. Well, good luck. Keep us posted. Thank you. I appreciate it. Have a good one. You too. Bye-bye.

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and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash V-I-A-L for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name?

My name is Sarah. I am 31 and my question is, is it confident or desperate to reach out again to a guy who left you on red after saying you want to have sex with them? It's definitely more desperate than confident. Forget about what it looks like to anyone else. Like why are you wanting to reach out after this person has left you on red? Are they like, is it the sex? Is it that good? It's like, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine? So, back story is, although he left me on red after I sent him that text. What was the text?

Then we have communicated after. So he's just ignoring me on that front, which I find very annoying. All right, right. So tell me, give me the context of this relationship. Give me the one-minute version story of this relationship. Yeah, long story short, we went. to school together, we worked together, we hooked up on and off for years back in the day. Back in the day, when? When back in the day? The last time I saw him before the recent hookup

was eight and a half years ago. After that go around, I had shot my shot with him and he rejected me. How long ago was that? In a nice way, I'll give him that. I, you know, said, I wanted more than just a hookup and he said, no thanks. Um, so we went our separate ways. you know, no harm, no foul. He ended up getting married, having kids, the whole nine. I live in a different city now. So, you know, I didn't think about him again for the longest time. And then two Christmases ago, he DM'd me after I posted about my cat dying on Christmas.

I'm sorry. Thanks. It's, you know, it happens. And we just chatted a little bit. And he kind of was like, oh, turns out he was getting divorced and having a bad time as well. So obviously wanted someone to, you know, commiserate with. And at that time, I was kind of like, good for you.

It's been way too long. I'm over it. And then, you know, I was dating somebody else after that. Didn't work out. He seemed like an easy option to have some fun with. So we started chatting again, flirting back in. forth and then we just couldn't ever make a time work since we live in different cities. Two months ago, I was home visiting my parents.

He still lives in our hometown. And I just messaged him and was like, hey, you free for a drink tonight. He said, yes, we got together. We hooked up. We're, you know, getting there. And then he finishes very prematurely and was embarrassed about it. And I did everything I could to make him, you know, not be embarrassed about it. It happens, obviously, but we ended, ended the night after that. And then

I sent him a text the next day that was like, related to something we had talked about and was like, so are we going to do this again? And then he was like, I don't know if I want to embarrass myself again, was the text. So my text to him was, okay, well, if it's not abundantly clear, I want to have sex with you again. So he did not respond to that text message. And then I responded to, something else related to sports and we kind of went back and forth about that and then I texted him happy birthday he said thanks and that's where we're at now I never responded to the thank you because there's nothing to respond to you know what's the point what would you want him to do if you were in his shoes and vice versa so you're him he's you I mean let's say forget about the

finishing fast or whatever but sure what would cause you to not reply to a proposition of sex via text? Like, what do you think? I mean. What's the simplest answer to that question? He doesn't want to, obviously. No, no. Well, yeah, maybe you don't want to or maybe, like, yeah.

But even the why, you don't, maybe you don't even know why you want to, you know, or you don't know what to respond with. So to answer your question, like, is it confident or is it desperate? Would you want someone to follow up? Let's say, you just didn't know what to say. you know, would you want a guy to pressure you to have sex? No, obviously. And would him asking again without you replying feel a little bit like pressure?

I don't think that I should ask him again to have sex with me, to be fair. Okay. But I would like to get together with him again and just kind of get over the embarrassment. Wow. But I realize I can't, like, force someone to do that. The way to get over the embarrassment is to not make it a thing. Fair. To not have to meet for coffee to get over it.

That's fair. Maybe he was literally busy. Maybe he was in the middle of something. I know we just always assume because we're on our phone so much that everyone else is just sitting there waiting for our texts. But he could have been in the middle of something. And then Simon, and also just also, he could have just been like, I don't, I don't know, man. I don't know what the, how do you text back? No.

And yeah, I mean, like, maybe he just was more like, I don't know. Like, I just, you guys have done this already multiple times. It's like, what's the point? How old are you again? I'm 31. He's 33. Yeah. So, like, you guys are certainly old enough to know, like, you guys have gotten laid before.

So it's not like you're young and horny. And there's clearly like some kind of friendship here. He's already turned you down romantically in the past. And it sounds like your goal is to get over the awkwardness so that maybe it could happen again. Yes. And I think, yeah, I guess that's what I, that's the part you should. And again, just you're not a guy and he's not a woman. I'm not, and I don't think those dynamics are always equal.

Nevertheless, I do think it is fair to just point out that if the, if the rolls were reverse, you, it would come across differently if it was like him trying to figure out how to sit down have a conversation with you so that he could keep having sex with you even if you didn't want to have sex with him that is fair and then maybe it's just better better better to let it go yeah and he you guys have already hooked up and chances are like and forgetting about that this easiest way to make a non-awkward situation not awkward is to not make it a thing and you're trying to figure out how to make it a thing without making the thing and that makes it a thing yeah you know and you're kind of in your head about it and you're kind of you're there's a little bit of like correct me of

I'm wrong but you're like oh he finished fast so I'm worried that he's in his head but like I bet you I bet you're in your head too about what he thinks about why that whole experience went the way it did and this is more about just making sure he's okay you're trying to make you're like you want to make sure you're good too yeah fair what I find frustrating is that I do not like generally participate in hookup culture. I am a pretty risk averse person. So, you know, I realize that like, sure, could I like go out and find somebody else, I guess. But like I would selfishly like an easy summer hookup. I obviously can't like you said, force someone to be interested in that situation either. It sounds like maybe you just kind of, we've always had a

crush on this guy. And it's just you haven't landed that plane. Yes. And I I think at this stage, our lives. To be fair, I think we're in such different places that it just literally couldn't go any farther than... Yeah, but you say that maybe the objective person in you is saying that out loud because you recognize the truth, but the hopeful person or whatever in you is, is trying, you're trying to do the thing that many of us and we've all do is to like convince yourself that you're seeing this with a level head by acknowledging most of, or part of the truth. But then doing the mental gymnastics to try to convince

yourself how to still kind of also at least get some version of what you want and calling it something different. Like you're calling it, I just want to I just want a casual summer hang fling. Right. No, you want to have sex with the guy you kind of like. Even

though you acknowledge that maybe at this stage in the game that ship has sailed. Right. And you're hoping the part of you that says it's not practical or probably not possible, you're hoping that part's wrong. And you want to get yourself

into this hookup situation with this guy in hopes that you're wrong. Yeah. So do I just, I guess, leave it alone? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I don't really think there's anything to move on from other than, you know. You're probably right. And that's a good thing. The good news is this is not something you need to get over.

You're not like obsessed with this guy. I just think it's just more, you're, yeah, you're just kind of creating a scenario know that doesn't really exist. And listen, there's a good chance you'll hook up with him again.

I don't know. But like, not right now. But I also think, like, it's just, he's genuinely, he's generally a waste of your time. Because you're probably not wrong. He's probably not your future. If you really just want to summer hookup, you can find one.

It might take a little bit of work. Also, like, if the sex is just fine, then why, like, and I'm not saying, like, yeah, I mean, sex was, but you can be genuinely, not a risk taker. You can practice safe sex. There's no guarantee you.

But you can be, you can still, you can, you don't have to be a risky person to participate in the hookup culture. I understand that by nature, it's generally riskier than not. But I think you can prioritize safety still.

Yeah, I guess I just, I meant more of like an emotional risk, I suppose, which I guess there is one here in, to your point that, you know. Well, there's more of an emotional risk here than,

than having sex with a person you didn't do this make believe at this point. And yeah, I think it's always risky for people to, even for men, but especially for women, just because biologically how our bodies respond differently to sex. Is that, you know, there is the, we can, we can say all we want that we're not emotionally connected to people and it's just, it's just sex, but it often is not just sex. Right. And I guess I was, I was thinking of it in such a way that, like, I don't need to deal with that with a stranger, to your point.

But I guess it's not, it's not any better to do it with someone you already have that connection with. To be fair, I just have a hard time prioritizing, dating, and meeting people in general. I lead a fairly active, busy life. So I was, again, selfishly hoping for. How active and how busy? I'm an attorney, so I travel a lot for work to court and different cities for trials and arguments and things like that.

What kind of law do you practice? I do a pellet law, which is convoluted, but essentially it's the next level of after a trial happens or a decision is made by a court or a jury that somebody doesn't like you come in You're looking for other people's mistakes? Yes. Yeah. And try to fix them. Do you like it?

It's a fun job. I really enjoy my coworkers. They're the best. And I enjoy traveling and meeting new people and seeing new places in practice. Yeah. I mean, you know, I was curious what you would say. But it sounds like that's pretty time consuming. I imagine that could make dating more difficult.

So, you know, I mean, I do date and I go out and I meet people when I'm, home. I have a harder time meeting, not that I couldn't, but a harder time meeting people all traveling just because I'm generally speaking in court all day. And then I have to report and things like that afterwards. So that is more or less half of my month. And then when I'm home, you know, if I go out on a date or two, there's nothing wrong with the guys. It's just like they don't capture my attention enough to want to see them longer than the hour or two that we get together for a coffee or a drink or whatever. And if I do want to see them. Well, to be honest, if you, you are just looking for summer sex.

You want the person who you don't, aren't captivated by. The opposite problem in my head with that is like, I can't seem to find any sort of like excitement about that. And personally, I feel I have to have some sort of attraction or looking forward to getting. That makes sense. That's the paradox, I suppose. Yeah.

I don't usually find it worthwhile to go through the effort of getting naked with someone if I'm not excited. about it and all of the, again, like, risk factor that comes with it. I hear you. So I obviously am a fairly logical borderline. Is it really the sex that that's important? No, no, it's the... Companionship?

With the original guy, it was just... That was an easy avenue to get in there. That is not to say that, like, listen, not to be crass, but, like, you know, I can most of the time do it better myself. Sometimes, though, you want a partner. so yeah I hear yeah you know I totally get it but but I also I guess what I'm saying is to that point knowing that like vibergers exist and shit and is that like it's really just the companion to I mean in this whole conversation has been like summer hookups and like about the sex and a I think if you just take sex off the table with this guy don't make it a thing I'm sure he'll reach out again sounds like you're already still talking yeah and I would just let that shit go and And the thing that you're maybe like wanting the most when it comes to is companionship. I mean, the sex's great.

That's like, you know, who doesn't want to have some occasional sex if it's on the table? Right. But when you're talking about intimacy, you're not focused on the physical aspect of it. Right. Which is I think something you should note that it's not the sex that you're looking for as much as the companionship. For sure. And as you, I'm sure know, that is the hard, hard thing to find, right? Especially if you have, I don't know, high standards or too high standards, whatever you want to call them of, of, I sometimes think that I can come off rather, again, like cold and too logical for a lot of men.

but I very strongly believe that, you know, I don't need to be in a relationship with someone unless they enhance my life. Like I have a pretty solid, good, exciting life all by myself. Yeah. As far as this guy goes, I would let that shit go, especially the sex part. I think you should take sex with this guy off the table. It doesn't seem like it's, it sounds like what you described, which is like someone you're comfortable having sex with. And it's nice to have sex every once in a while. But it also sounds like it makes a relationship with a person you, like, are comfortable with more awkward.

And it sounds like you do enjoy his company. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. I mean, yes. Like, I think we would be friends if we were in the same place. We're just like not in the same city.

So not that I couldn't reach out or he couldn't reach out. But I can't say that like I post about when I'm home or that I'm really home visiting my parents. all that often for anything other than a specific purpose. So I don't have a ton of like free time to just be like, hey, or he can't necessarily see like, hey, I'm in town. So it would have like if I were to be develop a friendship with him at this point outside of what I have. Well, let me ask you this.

Like the last time, I don't know, you hooked up. What did you enjoy most? The sex or the time leading up to it? I enjoyed the anticipation of what was. to come, but I knew that was to come with him. That's the, I guess, disconnect of meeting random people on a dating app or out in the wild or whatever for a date is that I can't say that I've, like, felt that excitement or that anticipation with them, any person in a really long time. But the excitement that you guys were going to have sex that night. Right. And what was the last

time you slept with someone else? It's been years. Not necessarily, the last time was not with this man, but like I haven't slept with anybody in several years other than this guy. Okay. And by choice, obviously? Yeah. For a long time while I was in law school and then like starting practice, I just like actively did not have time. I was working in school and just didn't care to foster any of those signals that may or may not have existed.

And then the pandemic hit. So I was, you know, stuck. home and I lived with people at the time. So I wasn't inviting like strangers into my house or going to their house. That is not something I'm interested in. That wasn't interested in during that time. So yeah, it's just been like post post-pandemic that I've been actively dating and out there and lollygagging while dating. But I just haven't been interested enough in somebody to want to get naked with them. But what do you think is the difference between him and them? I just know that like I've already done it with him before.

I'm comfortable with him. And like it's easy. Okay. But I guess. Like even though there's the, I'd say, even though there's like the, I guess, embarrassment factor or whatever currently, I mean, I don't, I'm not embarrassed. I couldn't. I don't.

I get it. Yeah. Either way. But not that it was an expectation, but there was enough of a history there to know that the night was going to lead there, right? I don't generally. I haven't had that interest or excitement or. anticipation with any guy I've dated or gone out with on random dates or met out in the wild

like I said in the last several years. But you kind of admit you kind of have a crush on them or you did, right? Like you. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So that obviously seems to play a role.

Do you have any insecurities or fears about like putting yourself out there with other men or like fear of rejection or anything like that? Um, I don't think that I have a fear of rejection. I tend to be more challenging to, I guess, like, open, not open up. Like, I'm a pretty open book. But to be fair, I'm having a hard time, like, figuring out how to articulate what I'm looking for in a partner, which is why dating is challenging. Like, I'm not, it's not a priority for me to get married. I do not want to create my own children. I would like to adopt children's. So there's not like a time crunch by. biologically to kind of get any of these things rolling. Are you looking for like a boyfriend? Would you like a boyfriend? I would like a partner. I don't want a boyfriend.

I mean, we're getting into semantics, but yes, I would, yeah, a partner is definitely better. I mean, a boyfriend is just a label. Right. A partner is a description of hopefully something you have in a, like a partnership, you know, type of thing. But like, that's a semantics. Are you looking for committed relationships?

relationship, ideally. By looking, I don't mean, I don't mean like, you're desperate. I just mean, like, is that something that you are open and wanting? Yeah, I think that's the goal with, well, that is my goal with dating. Great. So that's good that you know the goal, because oftentimes people don't know the goal, but you're also, like I would put you in another really large bucket, is that despite your goal, you're doing things that like kind of go against your stated goal. And we've been talking for 33 minutes and this is the first time you've said, hey, I just want to make it clear like what my dating goal is. The goal that you kind of led with is a summer hookup. Right. Or to get to this guy who you've stated isn't your guy to have sex with you again.

So, and you're busy and you're, you know, you have this very incredibly demanding profession and your time is limited. So in your limited time, I would purse my general advice to you is to do things in the dating space and you're very limited time that help you get to your goal. The only part about that is it's a little scary because sometimes there is the fear of failure and there's the fear of rejection. And it can be scary to be intentional because by definition, you're doing something that is trying to lead to something that you want. And then, you know, along that journey and that path, there's always ups and downs. And that's why I asked the question, is there any fear or insecurities around like dating or finding your person because, you know,

sometimes when we, you know, we have a goal, we're doing things that kind of go against that. You know, it's mostly based off of that fear of failure, that fear of rejection. Right. So I would just be mindful about you're a very busy, accomplished person with a limited time. And while you're young, the easiest way to get to a place where you are not as young as you used to be, but still haven't met your goal is to do things that don't help you meet your goal because time does fly and there's a lot of people who do things that aren't doing that helping to meet their goal and that's when you wake up and you're 45 and you're like not where I want to be right but the good news is you're only 31 so

no yeah I'm like I said I'm not in any rush because it's not necessarily the priority but not in a rush is not an excuse not to be intentional with how you move as it relates to your dating goals. Yeah, I guess. And sometimes we say, I'm not in a rush as an excuse to, like, not do things that match our goal. Right. Yeah, I guess, like, the summer hookup idea with this particular guy was just a more or less

an easy break, right, from dating the time that I would be spent. I would spend otherwise dating would be utilized for that purpose. What purpose? Just to see that other guy. But as you said, you mean, most of the time you're better at doing it yourself. So in terms of any meaningful moments you spend with this guy is technically, by definition, a waste of your time. Right. I think there's a party that doesn't want to believe that true.

Yeah. Well, sure. Nobody wants to waste their time. But. No, it's a waste their time. But that's not what I'm talking about. I think you've acknowledged there's a bit of a crush here. And I think you say that I don't think that I think that.

ship is sailed, but there's the hope that it hasn't. Right. And if you are going to pursue this guy, I don't know if you necessarily should, you might as well at least be honest with yourself that's what you want, rather than tell yourself, I just want a summer fling. Right. I'm sure you know from talking to 800 people all the time that, you know, dating is hard and sometimes, sometimes you just want the easy way out. I hear you. I hear you. But when was the last time you really put yourself out there. I mean, and I was in the midst of all this,

I've dated, gone on dates of other people. I am 90% of the time the one who asks them out the first time, which, you know, is fine. I hear you're not idea. I try really hard not to think about dating

as a chore, right, or like another to-do list checkoff box because I don't, I don't need to feel that way. it. Again, the goal is not to just find an okay person to get married and have kids with. So challenging to get excited about those people who, you know, dating obviously is a numbers game. But, you know, I don't want to get so bored of it that it becomes boring. You know, I have no problem meeting new people and talking new people. And that's kind of the, I don't know where

the difference is, but I have plenty of new women for. friends that I've made in the last year that I'm excited to see and hang out with and go to coffee with or go to dinner with. And a lot of the men that I've, I've gone out with, I just, you know, after one, two, three, four dates, I'm like, you know, there's nothing wrong with you. I just, I, if I never talk to you again, it would be fine, which I usually tend to make the sign that it's not somebody I need to spend my time prioritizing. Yeah, but that is definitely, you know, normal. For sure, for sure. Yeah.

So it's just, it's just one of, I think it's just one of those times, well, it's not just one of those times. It's been years, obviously. There's been no one who I've been excited to commit to. And that can be draining. Outside of this guy, when was the last time that you, like, what was the most you've spent time with someone? I mean, I've, like, you know, kissed a day or whatever, but nothing more than that. it's not i have yet to feel excited enough to want to take it home so that also again to me feels like enough of a not that you can't you know i don't necessarily believe that the spark is instantaneous like i think you grow feelings of love and things like that but i think in general

after talking to you i can't say this for sure because i haven't talked to you for that long but I get a sense that you need to put yourself out there a little bit more than you are. And I think maybe sometimes you hide behind the, I mean, I don't, your job sounds incredibly busy. But busy people can make time for things they want to do. So I would maybe just put yourself out a little bit more and at the risk of getting rejected by someone you might be interested in. Right.

Because you will definitely survive that. It's just a little bit of an ego bruise. Yeah. Yeah. There's a difference between like being generally interested enough with someone to like, if, if you're if you're interested enough to have sex with this guy then i don't know you know it's like it's not like you're i need to be in love with someone uh to date him you know and it sounds like you're just not putting yourself out there enough to get to know someone enough like you've

gotten know this guy and you're just you're just comfortable with him just because of time has passed for sure um so i would just i would try to put yourself out there a little bit more and then as far as this guy goes it just sounds like you should just you know stop stop having sex women I mean, fair, you know, it's not that challenging. And if he was like, and if he's like, yeah, like, let's go and you're still down, go for it. But I would, I would stop trying to make him feel okay about it. I'm sure he feels fine about it. Right.

You just not, he just might not be down. Yeah, fair. Nor does he have to be. You know. I mean, yeah, I don't know who this guy is and how he moves, but generally speaking, like, they never end well, you know, these casual hookups. And maybe he's as old enough to be like, I just don't need to do that with her.

I don't want to, I don't. And maybe this last instant, like, whatever, you know, like I don't think it's the end of the world. Some guy climaxes a little too quickly, whatever. But maybe it was just slightly awkward enough to be like, I don't know, maybe we should just not do that. Right. But yeah, I don't think it requires a sit down and a cup of coffee

to let him know that he doesn't need to feel it. You know, like, it's totally fine. Just let it go. Okay. Pretend it didn't happen. If he wants to bring it up, by all means. Fair. In the meantime, you know, just get out there.

Challenge yourself to put yourself out there, maybe to go on a few more dates. Maybe going on another date with the same guy. I will say there's like every time I talk to people out there dating, it's always like, I get it. You want to spark. You want to be excited. But maybe it can grow into something. Remember what your dating goal is. Right.

And make sure, generally speaking, you're doing things to meet that goal more often than you're not. It does sound like you're doing the opposite right now. Yeah. You say that this is my goal, but most of your decisions in your journey life right now are not helping you meet that goal. Right. And to whatever degree, that's accurate. If you think that's fair, then I would just consider that. No, it's fair.

It's fair. It's just, you know, it's just, you know, you just think about all the other things I have going on that I could prioritize. But to your point, like, I need to maybe prioritize being willing to put this dating goal higher on my list than it is. And you can do that for a period of time. Maybe you can say, you know, this summer, I'm going to do that. Maybe you need to take a break. Maybe you need to like, do you prioritize it for a period of time? Ebs and flows.

You know, it's like it might have been a while where you actually set out loud what your dating goal is and actually thought about how you're moving as it relates to that goal. Maybe this is the first time. So. Yeah. And the future, it's something you can check in with yourself from time to time. Cool. Yeah.

Thanks. All right. Good luck out there. Thanks for the time. I appreciate it. I appreciate you. Have a good one. You too.

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Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Sally. I'm 32. How can I help Sally? I want to know how to help my best friend with her future loser brother-in-law. Okay, so what's going on that it's so bad that it's your problem? It's not my problem, but she's my best friend and she asked me. She is asking for your help. Yeah.

Okay. She did not want to call in herself. Did you suggest that she did? Yes, I did. So you're like a surrogate, basically? Yeah. We're kind of like one person. So she has been dating her boyfriend for about a year.

And the brother-in-law, are they engaged? No, but they're very close to it. They are about to move in together. They know it's their person. Okay. So why don't they get engaged and they move in? Well, he's still finishing school. And I think they will very soon.

They're also not in a rush. It's more about the way it was set up. And he, the Greg, he is actually our co-worker at a restaurant. So is Greg the boyfriend or Greg the brother-in-law? Greg is the brother-in-law. Okay. He is the one who set them up. Greg set them up.

And we hate Greg. We liked Greg before. We really liked him. Why don't we like Greg anymore? He's very arrogant and now he does not like them being together at all. He said it ruined his life and it makes his blood boil that they're together. Why? We don't know why. We've asked and he just says he hates it and that he can't believe this is happening. I know that he likes keeping things separate, like his work life and his personal life and his friends. He doesn't want anything to mingle.

Well, how does work involve this relationship again? He's our co-worker, the brother. And he's been, so he's. You guys all work together. You, your best friend. Yeah. The boyfriend. And Greg. Not the boy. The boyfriend doesn't work. You guys work with Greg. Yes. This sounds a little almost silly. Yes, it is very silly, but it also seems like her boyfriend will not say anything to his brother. What's he supposed to say? Well, it gets to the point where like on the boyfriend's birthday, he was going out with his family

and he couldn't go out to eat with the girlfriend. They excluded her because of the boyfriend. brother because they are like worried about what he's going to think. Is he like the manager or something at the restaurant? No. No. Is this another bartender server and he just works with you guys? Yep.

He just works with us. And so the boyfriend doesn't invite the girlfriend when the brother's around? Yes. They can't be like in the same room together. His family's really small. They're from a different country. And so it's just the four of them, the mom, dad and two brothers. and they will not include her in anything.

And like he's come to all our family stuff. And so that's like a whole different situation. Well, okay. Well, I mean, I have your answer. Okay. The brother's not the problem. The boyfriend's the problem. Okay.

Because like, I don't know. Like she's not marrying or doesn't want to marry the brother. And I can make a bunch of guesses like, yeah, why, you know, why, why, why, why, why, why Greg is annoyed is, you know, Greg is being selfish. I don't know. It's somehow, some way, got it weird for Greg that he's working with, you know, his brother's girlfriend. And as they get closer, he just feels, I don't know, like either it's like annoying for him

at work where like maybe he feels like less respected by your friend or something. I don't know because like I don't have to listen to you. I'm dating your brother. I don't know. Not that he's your boss or anything. but like some way somehow Greg's allowed it to get weird for him but she's not dating Greg and she doesn't even work for Greg she just works with Greg but for whatever reason Greg has some power he doesn't deserve the person she wants to get

engaged to and the person she's moving in with is a is is giving Greg that power that he doesn't need to give it and I don't know if the parent the parents playing any role but like you know if he's going to allow Greg that have that much power, then that would, that's a, that's a huge red flag for your friend. I agree. We've tried to kind of tell him, but like a couple weeks ago, he had an opportunity to say, like, he was going to move in with her after he graduates. And instead of saying it, he just said, like, oh, yeah, I'll definitely need to get roommates. What does that mean? He said, like, oh, we need to once I move out here because we're in the Bay Area so it's like you know expensive once I move out

here I'm going to need to get a roommate and then he's like yeah you're going to need roommates for the rest of your life and instead of saying yeah I'm planning on moving it with my girlfriend he just said I'm going to need roommates yeah what is your husband thing uh my husband he's an angel and just thinks that everyone's crazy um and that they should both get over it. In fairness to your friend, I don't know, I don't think she's supposed to get over it. I honestly think more than anything, she's not paying attention to what are some big red flags and the fact that like you are, you know, and it sounds like you're just, again, being the surrogate here. And she, and I'm guessing she would say the same thing. I'm sure she's probably said my future fiance

or my future brother-in-law. And I think that's a little delusional at this point, given how much of a wussy her boyfriend seems to be or or maybe he's just blaming it on the brother i don't know but yeah there's some like there are a long way away before getting engaged and the fact that he's being a little weird about moving in together which also like how old are they i don't know uh she's 27 and he's 25 him being only 25 it's not that weird for him not to want to move with his girlfriend is he actually ready to get married um that's a great question I they talk about it and they talk about having kids they just babysat my 10 month old. I talked about getting married and having kids when I was 18.

Okay. I didn't get married and have kids until I was 43. I'm just saying there's a big difference between knowing that you want to do it someday and and being ready for it. Yeah, I don't know if he's ready. I know she's ready. Yeah. No, that makes, I believe that.

I think she's so ready. She's projecting her readiness onto him. Yeah, that could be. And if that's true, it wouldn't surprise me that the Greg feels that a little bit. Yeah. And there's a possibility that maybe even Greg is much as he sucks for her and you that maybe he's not, I don't know, maybe just from brother standpoint, he's just like, it's like, hey, I'm glad you like, I'm glad you're really in love. But like, this is moving at a speed that I'm not, you know, again, it's, he only has a right to have an opinion, you know, but it makes sense. that as his brother, he has an opinion.

That all being said, you know, if she's being excluded by the family, the only one who's going to do something about it is the boyfriend. And there's nothing she can do to Greg or with Greg, and there's no conversation she needs to have with Greg. The only conversation she needs to have is with her boyfriend, which is like, where do we stand? And I think it's a really tough question to ask herself,

but a good question is to, like, am I projecting what I'm ready for or wanting right now onto this relationship and more than he's ready? I just think she needs to acknowledge that she is dating a man two years younger than him. And listen, my wife's obviously a lot younger than me. But I was more like, I don't know. And she was like, well, you know, listen, you can date me or not, but this is what I am ready for in my life.

And she was really assertive about that. And it was definitely never a, I definitely wasn't like, do you want to move in with me? And she wasn't like, well, I definitely need roommates. Like that didn't happen. And I don't think that's something you ignore that he said it the way he did. It was a choice. It was not only the choice.

It was probably a statement. It was probably a very indirect, slightly immature way of communicating to this girlfriend that he's not sure if he's ready to move in with her. Yeah. Do you think that she should ask him to like talk to the brother or should she not even do that? What does she want to talk to him about is the question? Just like I think she was hoping that her boyfriend could say, look, we're pretty serious. I want you to like just give us a shot. At work, he pretends like they're not even together.

They like keep everything separate. And they're like friendly at work and everything. But it just, it's awkward because like he comes to our cabin with us and like he babysits my kids. And I just have to pretend that he's like not a part of our life. Wait, wait. What do you mean? Who babysits? Who's kids?

The boyfriend and my best friend, they babysit my kids. Okay. And yeah, they like, yeah, they're very involved with our family. Okay. That's cool. And why is that an issue with Greg? Just because, like, we can't talk about it at work. Like, it feels like we have to, like, hide it because he gets very angry.

How so? How does he get angry? He, like, shuts down and doesn't talk or he'll be like, can you stop talking about my brother? Like, it's really annoying. And then he like goes home and talks to his brother and says like, can you stop talking? And he's like, have you asked the brother, your friend, your babysitter and your best friend's boyfriend, why his brother is the way he is? Or why is he acting this way? Yes.

What's the answer? Yes. He said that he always, their whole family like always just like tiptoes around everything he does. And like he just has a temper and he's always been this way. And like if Greg is in a bit of. that mood, then they all are worried about him and they all like cater to his every need. And it's always been that way. So they just like, they don't do it a different way. I don't know what your, your, your, uh, family dynamic looks like in terms of brothers and sisters. But like, I don't

know, like brothers and sisters are like, you know, they're my brothers and sisters. I don't even, I don't even have to like them. They're still going to be my brothers and sisters, you know. And like sometimes when you have a sibling that is just a certain way and you've accepted who they are, sometimes it's just easier to just accept it rather than trying to change it because like they're just not going to change. And it's like you kind of choose peace over constant conflict or over being right, you know. Back to again, I don't know how productive a conversation with Greg is going to be. Okay. But, you know, because Greg is Greg. And like the information you got back from your friend and her boyfriend is, I don't know, he's been my brother my whole life and I haven't

figure out to get through to him. So I'd stop. Yeah. But what's important is how your friend, her boy, her, you know, feels about their relationship. So she has a right. I don't know what she's unhappy about or not happy about in the relationship as it relates to those two. But that's the only thing she can't control the only thing that matters. She doesn't have to ever like Greg. And if Greg's kind of a temperamental guy, like, is it ideal that you guys work with him?

No, but he has no power over you. What do you need to talk about with Greg that you can't talk about that really irks you? Nothing really. It's just like we all used to be kind of friends. So that's it just seems like a bummer now that we don't get to like talk to him like a friend. Yeah, totally. But that's Greg's choice, you know. I don't know.

You couldn't have been that much of a friend that you can't even been like, why are you being so fucking weird about your brother? Yeah, he he likes to cause fights too. So like he's always been an argumentative person. Right, so he's just that guy. He is that guy. And let's call him Eric, the boyfriend. He's confirmed that, you know? Yeah.

To answer to how do we deal with him is you just don't deal with him? You just have to make sure he can't be the excuse for how Eric moves in the relationship with your friend. Okay. And she has a right to say, I want to feel included by your family. like doesn't mean she'd be like I have to go to every family trip but like you can't like

you're not invited because of Greg is like kind of weird and then like on a one off it's fine but like you know but also like how long have been together only a year? Yeah just a year. I think she needs to chill out about marriage

that's great she's found someone she sees a life with that's awesome but you know outside of the like I've met my person which is you know I guess it's fun to say but, you know, and it's, you know, they're not engaged. It doesn't, and it sounds like he might not be ready to move in. It's also okay.

I empathize with someone in your friend's position, knowing that, like, it's never fun to move, like knowing you need a roommate, not having the idea of roommate to move in with, and then also being in a relationship with someone you, like, are excited about, and it's going in the right direction, that can put a lot of unnecessary pressure on the relationship, because you're trying to like thread that needle right and like because you know you'd much rather

moving with your boyfriend than a stranger or like a casual friend and you know you kind of financially need to you know what I'm saying and so you kind of convince yourself you're ready before you actually are which is like you know it sometimes works out but a lot of times it's like not great for the relationship and it just adds unnecessary stress because she doesn't want to she doesn't even want to consider that maybe they're not ready and what like when I say is a red like it's not a red like it's not a red flag he might not be ready to move in it's just what he's saying i don't i don't know it just i that to me sounds like someone who's not ready and maybe afraid to say that to his girlfriend yeah i could see that and i don't think that's gregg's fault yeah i don't think there's the problem to solve with

gregg because gregg sounds like that guy you know and a lot of a lot of families have that guy and the way to deal with that person or that guy is to just not deal with them let them just kind of be out in their own world and i don't know not engage with the person who will kind of start shit and is argue, genuinely argumentative. You just kind of avoid that. You know, just, you don't deal with them. Does that make sense? Is that helpful? Yeah. No, it really does. That's kind of, my whole family has been telling him to just suck it up and like invite her to stuff. It's really weird that he's not. So I hope, I hope for her that he starts like wanting. And she has a right to say that you, I feel like you're excluding me. But I do feel like there is a more honest conversation they need to have. And maybe

she needs to have with herself where she can just be like maybe we're they've only been dating for a year yeah he is two years younger than her and i'm not saying that you know but like you know in general there's i see it with my daughter and boys at the playground when like girls mature fashion and boys it's just like you know um and you know and you're not describing a a highly um a you know emotionally intelligent 25 year old man so he just might not be ready yet and And if she wants to date a man who's two years younger than her, who has a lot of potential, she can. But it might require patience she hasn't accepted that she needs to have.

Yeah, that's great. Yeah. I will let her know. Thank you. All right. Well, thanks for the call. Hopefully, this is helpful for you. And hopefully when she hears this, hopefully it will be helpful for her.

Yeah. Cool. Thank you so much. All right. Thanks for the call. I appreciate you.