The Viall Files - E1155 - He's My Boyfriend. Why Do I Feel Like His Mom? | Ask Nick

Episode Date: July 13, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition! Our first caller has tried everything, but feels defeated by dating in her 30s. Our second caller doesn't want to move in with her boyfriend yet, despite them having a baby together. Our third caller wonders if she's dating a man child or if they're just going through a rough patch. Subscribe for more dating advice, relationship drama, and unfiltered Ask Nick calls every week. "I'm not trying to admit defeat. I'm just trying to figure out..." Nick is on Substack! Subscribe here: https://nickviall.substack.com/subscribe ARE YOU A MESS BECAUSE OF YOUR SITUATIONSHIP? OR JUST IN GENERAL? Email [e-mail] with all your relationship questions and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes! Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content featuring updates from your favorite callers? Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + HERE: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/ Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: IQ Bar: Text FILES to sixty-four thousand for 20% off all IQBAR products, including the Ultimate sampler pack, plus FREE shipping. Helix Sleep: Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall for 20% off sitewide, 25% off Luxe Mattresses, and 30% off Elite Mattresses. Boll & Branch: Get 20% off sitewide at https://bollandbranch.com/viall with code VIALL. Car Gurus: Buy or sell your next car today with CarGurus at https://cargurus.com. Ladder App: Head to https://ladder.fit/viall to get a free 7-day trial with NO credit card, and $10 off your first month if you join. Dose: Head to https://dosedaily.co/viall or enter VIALL to get 35% off your first subscription. **To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles Timestamps: 00:54 - Caller One 44:42 - Caller Two 1:03:37 - Caller Three Episode Socials:  @viallfiles  @nickviall @justinkaphillips @baybaeee

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If you were single, how much less work would you have because you wouldn't have him to deal with? Okay, that's another, like, great thing that you're bringing up because he's actually not here right now. So Sunday, he left for a work trip and he won't be back until Friday. And if he was telling me, like, oh, like, it might fall through. And I was like, no, please, please go. Not because I hate him being here because I'm like, I get to worry just about my laundry. I don't have to make sure his uniforms are clean. I only have to worry about feeding myself and also my car.

Like, I let him use my car. but now I get to like drive to from work and it's so nice. And I feel a little more relaxed, but it's brought up these emotions of like, oh, God, does that mean I don't love him or don't want to be with him because I'm happy that he's gone for a week? How happy? How's it going? Good. My name's Hannah. Hi, Hannah.

Hi. How old are you? I am 31. How can I help? So I have been single for let's call it the last six years. Okay. I have approached men at the bars. I've left my number on phone number or on napkins. I've swiped on hinge. I've joined new hobbies. I have moved states and I'm still single. So my question is, when do you just admit defeat for dating in your 30s? It's a bit dramatic, don't you think, a little bit? It doesn't feel dramatic. I know, I know. And I don't want to downplay how you're feeling right now. I do want to remind you that you would.

are only 31. You look like a very beautiful person. In our short chat, you seem like you have a nice demeanor and energy to you. What, I mean, so maybe it just hasn't worked out for you. I'm assuming you are picky and I'm assuming that you haven't spent the next past six years so desperate that you were like, I will literally date anyone. And yet you still remain single. I would guess that's not the case. Yeah? Probably close on the first part of that. you're picky, that you have standards. Yeah, that you're, there's a lot of people, most people you're not into and the handful of people that you have been curious about haven't, you know, haven't worked out or reciprocated, et cetera, et cetera, right? Yeah, something like that.

Yeah. Yep. That's fair. So, so that, that's, it's important to acknowledge. It is, you know. Where, where I'm getting stuck is take away the, dating apps. Because that's a whole different, the whole different animal. In the wild, I am pretty good at shooting my shot if I see a handsome gentleman at the bar,

at dinner. I will walk up. I will leave my phone number. I'll have the server or somebody like, hey, that girl, you know, whatever. And it's led me to some frogs. Can you elaborate? There was one that I shot my shot at the bar.

And we went on a few dates. and it turned out he was posted in the are we dating the same guy Facebook page and he had two full-time girlfriends at the same time that we were going on our date. So some bad luck, right? Like you have some bad pickers. Well, that's not a that's just bad luck. That's not a bad picker. Right?

I mean, this was a random person you saw out in the wild. You thought they were cute. You shot your shot. He, you know. And that was this bad luck. because you ended up shooting your shot with someone who just, like, loved, loves the, you know, probably loved that aspect of dating, which is the excitement of, you know, a person like, doing the thing where you approach them and, you know, forgot to mention he had some girlfriends.

But that's just bad luck, right? What is, how is that to do with being a bad picker? Maybe it's not a bad picker, but I don't know how much bad luck a person can, tracked. Oh, give me another example. I went on a date with a gentleman and I asked him what his weekend plans were. Okay. And he just started sobbing, like, like huffing and puffing.

Okay. Because he had just broken up with his girlfriend and they were supposed to travel this weekend together and they no longer were doing that. And so I had to console the guy. This is on a date? This was on our first date, less than 30 minutes into the date. And that next week, I went on a date with a different gentleman who went on the date a week, the same week, his cousin was murdered and needed to like talk through this murder with me in real time. And I just, again, I'm trying all the different avenues and I seem to find bad luck every, every way.

And in these past six years, you haven't had any good dates? I had one relationship when I was 29. We were long distance. I moved States to be with him, and we broke up three months after I moved here. Great guy, just not a person for me. How long are you dating for? We dated for a year. Okay. So we did fun weekends, but everyday life, it didn't work out.

I'm sure if you listen to the show, you hear me talk about, like, you know, controlling our thoughts and the narratives we have in our head, et cetera, et cetera. and how much those like weigh into how we see ourselves and we see the world and and you you know you're like I've been single for the past six years I'm like oh shit okay and then like in between that story you're like now I had a boyfriend for a year two years ago so I don't know what you tell yourself but like that is something that's not nothing and I don't think you're doing yourself any good by eliminating that is a way to maybe feel sorry for yourself or to paint a less accurate picture than the success that you are

aren't having when it comes to dating. I mean, like, I think we can already acknowledge that you've had some bad luck and you have some pretty crazy stories that might make for like even a good, like, you know, rom-com, some, you know, if you, if ever wanted to write a movie or whatever. Or certainly, if nothing else, when you do find your person, this will be great conversation to friends and whatever.

But in the meantime, right now, I don't know if if making a frustrating situation worse by like painting a picture in your head and when you talk about it to your friends sound like you you know you just you should give up at 31 years old. I think where I am stuck is I met him

through a friend. Okay. So it was a hey we have a friend you should meet. Okay. I don't have many friends that have single friends left, just with the age that we're at, their date of being married. And so I'm pulling in the five years I had before him in the last two years, trying the same things. And I don't want, selfishly, I don't want to go on a five-year single streak again,

wanting kids in marriage and all that fun stuff. And so I don't know what to do differently. I mean, my guess is, I mean, we can keep on, like, peeling back layers. But my guess is there's nothing specifically you have to do differently. I don't think there's any, like, magic pill or silver bullet or whatever you want to call it. My guess is you've had, again, you've had some bad luck. You might need to take a break. If anything right now, it sounds like your attitude towards dating and your perception of your

is a little not positive. And so maybe you just need to take a little bit of a mental break from it. You're certainly feeling the fatigue of dating. And I think that that matters, you know. It does matter. I hit this year very strong January, February. And I haven't dated in the last like three months because of that exact reason. I wasn't having fun.

I traveled a little bit this summer. I just got home. and I have the itch again, but I don't, I want to have fun with it, I think. And I want to do something differently because isn't that the definition of being insane, doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome? So like in your mind, again, let me ask you this. Like in your mind, okay, you've taken some time off. In your mind, what are your thinking, like, how have you been thinking about how to get back

out there, so to speak? I joined volleyball. Okay, great. And I joined tennis. Love it. But what I don't like is I feel like that is an objective now every time I leave the house of this could be the time I pass Nick on the sidewalk that I pass a handsome man at a grocery store. That's what you need to not do, right? So like that's that's the thing.

And it is it is the struggle, right? Because it is on your mind. And I can tell you it's just such a huge, it's such a huge difference. And I don't like it really is. I've been you. I've been that person. I have seen friends be that person. I have a buddy who had a bad breakup.

And then did the thing where he was this kind of enjoyed the single life and his brother owned a bar or nightclub. And he lived, he had like a condo on the street where there was, like it was like a really perfect situation for a bachelor. And then that got old and he rented a girlfriend. and he was like just struggling with dating and it's just like every time we would go out it's like that he we'd walk into a bar

and be like there's no one here let's go to a different bar. It's like just chill man. You know, just because he was, that's all he cared about. He couldn't just be with his friends. He couldn't just enjoy, you have to be, you know,

like not to be cliche, but, you know, people can sense that in people. You know, people can sense your, you know, anxiousness, anxiety that, that you're looking around, that you're not, that you're trying too hard, you know, that you, you know, and I've been that person. Go play volleyball. Go enjoy tennis.

Go meet some friends. Definitely be open and curious about who you might meet. But like, what's more possible than you join a volleyball league and either someone on your team or the team across has, you know, your future husband on the other side. is that maybe you have an interaction, maybe you meet a friend, you know, and maybe they're one, something happens where they're like, well, let's all get up a drink ashwards. And then maybe, you know what I'm saying? Like a chain of events, things. And you have to, you really have to, you know, and I think the people who really struck, like what you're going through right now and have that

mindset of like, all right, well, is today going to be the day? Get so hyper focused on that. They don't let life happen and they don't let those chain of events they try to dictate those chain of events as opposed to just letting them play out and trying to just enjoy the moment i know it's easier said than done but i think you're more than capable of of of doing that you just you really have to kind of be like hannah like lock it the fuck up you know you don't seem like a naturally anxious person you don't seem like you're, you know, like you're incapable of just going out and having a good time with friends. And I think that really has to be the mindset. Because like right now you're doing this kind of binary.

I'm in dating. I'm like, all right. I'm back in dating. And then you're just like, like, you're so locked in about like you're looking for a husband. And then you're like, I'm fatigued. So I'm like, I'm going to take some time off for myself and I'm going to go travel. And I'm going to lock. I'm saying no to dating.

And I think you have to. find a middle ground where it's just like, I'm out there and I'm meeting people and I'm open, but like when you step outside and you go out to volleyball, you go out to the bars, just try to have some fun, you know, that does matter, you know, it really makes a big difference. That's fair. When I have met people through whatever avenue, I would say eight times out of 10, the reason I'm not interested in the second or third or fourth date always seems to come back to the same thing. And I haven't heard a lot of other people with this frustration.

So I don't know if I am the problem or too picky. I feel last week I went on a date. And I feel like I could be anyone across the table from them because they want to just chat about themselves, talk at me. I ask a lot of questions. I'm a very good question asker. I had a date once tell me he felt like he was being interviewed. So I've kept that in the back of my mind. I've tried to chill out about that. But that wasn't a compliment? No, I felt that. I felt that. I mean, who likes to be in an interview? But I don't, I haven't been on dates where I feel that energy back of like the curiosity of like, I want to get to know you, let me ask you questions.

and that happens to me 80% of the time. Yeah. And I don't know. Am I zero to get in on that too much? Or have we heard people? I mean, no. I hear people say that all the time. The best way I can answer this question,

I don't know if this is going to be helpful. But if my wife, like, I was pretty quiet on her first date. You know, I didn't talk at all. Now, like, there was like some variables at play where I was like, we kind of met up in a very kind of adventurous way. and I was pretty guarded. There was something there between us, and we had a good time,

but it wasn't the riveting conversations, and it certainly wasn't my, like, intense interest in getting to know her, and it certainly wasn't my ability to make the conversation seamless and effortless and fun. And, you know, there was this kind of something there. Now, I'm not saying how we went about dating

and getting together and getting married is, like, the blueprint. by any stretch of imagination. But I guess my point is to say that, like, I'm getting the sense from you, and I think there's a lot of people out there where, like, are you, like, kind of a type A personality a little bit? Yeah.

And I see this not just with type A, but like, with type A person, like, you know, you're, you've probably read all the books or you've seen things online and all the how-toes and you're just like, it all makes sense and it's just like paint by numbers. And then now you're trying to apply what you learned and you're just like, what the fuck, you know, like, guys are just,

supposed to ask me questions. If they don't ask me questions, they're not interested. And if they're not interested, why should I go on a second date? You know, and I just think, you know, like, dating is hard and difficult. And I think your first date is never, you know, it's that you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative. And that's what, you know, it's like, it's tough. It's tough. It's why you don't marry someone after the first date or lock in a relationship, even when it's great, you know. Um, because usually really charming people, your West Wilson's of the world, I don't know if you're watching Summerhouse. Like, they're good first daters. Like, you know, like, he's, every first date West Wilson has. It's awesome. You know, they're like, wow, what a charmer. Especially if he's like, I'm going to get her to like me, you know, if that's his goal. If his goal is to make sure that she wants a second date, effortless for a guy like West Wilson. Right. Um, when I would date back in the day, I was like, well, She may like me, she may not, but it's my job to see if I like her.

And with that, there were probably a lot of women who went on first date with me who was like, he fucking sucks. You didn't ask me any questions. And I'm thinking, I just, I showed up, realized I wasn't that into him pretty quickly. Kind of like on an interview where you're like right away, you're like, no, like this person's right for the job. How did you decide you weren't into them or didn't like them without asking them any questions? Just vibes, you know, sometimes vibes, right? Right.

You meet people and there's a vibe. Now, it doesn't mean you're always right or wrong, you know. But yeah, there's definitely something you feel or not feel. There's a general curiosity. But, like, that alone isn't, like, again, enough. It's that balance, right? Like, it's, you know, people are always saying they're looking for that spark. And that spark is, you know, like the whole internet has pointed out and talked about,

that's kind of your nervous system reacting to a feeling of, you know, either nervousness and inadequacy or whatever, but that will trigger your ego and potentially make you chase things that aren't necessarily healthy for you. On the flip side, no one wants to like, you know, unless your culture is down for like arranged marriages, you want to, you want to feel a little excitement and a fun. You do want to feel a little bit of like, I don't know what it is about this person, but I'm drawn to them, but you have to then allow yourself to also get to know them and not just like, you know, you need more than I don't know why I like them. I just do.

But in the I don't know why I like them is mostly because they're confusing and they, you know, you were trying to figure them out and yada, yada, yada. And lucky for my wife, turns out I'm a great guy. You know, and once I started talking, it worked out. I'm kidding. But yeah, like I do think if you admitting that you're a type of personality, then I would I would encourage you to go on second and third dates

that you would not otherwise go on. A lot of guys might be, especially if you're the talker and you're the interviewer, so to speak, it can be a little nerve-wracking. In fact, you might not realize how much lack of oxygen you are giving in a dating situation for someone to ask you questions.

Or you're just making it really easy for them, you know because like finding common ground is hard on interviews and here you are showing up with a bunch of questions you're like oh great well then i'll just get at answering your questions well on wednesday i did not interview and i let him talk for two hours straight and i i consciously had the thought of i probably normally wouldn't go on a second date but i enjoyed dinner and i was attracted to him so i let's go on a second date and maybe, you know, let's talk it up to nerves and he was rambling. He unmatched me and blocked my phone number that evening following the date. After the first date.

So now I'm nervous at the first date, yeah. And he doesn't owe me anything. So I'm not upset about being ghosted. The blocking is aggressive. This is like on a dating app. On Hinge now, you can see if people unmatch you. It will say name unmatched. And the day's fine.

So now I'm nervous. I guess I don't know what type of vibe I'm giving off. Listen, that's the tough part about dating apps is that like, listen, I don't know, rejection's never fun. And here's a situation, I'm pretty typical in dating where you weren't even like that end of the guy. And then you are trying to like challenge yourself to make different moves. So you told yourself, sure, I'll go on a second day with this guy. And then you found out that he rejected you, which is this such a fucking like mind fuck and ego trip. And, you know, it sucks.

It sucks. there's no way around it but at the same time i know that you are capable of seeing past that like there's a little bit of a mental exercise you have to do but at this stage of life i think you know there's a quick like oh that's annoying but like you know if you were 21 22 and just getting out of dating you you could let that almost justifiably it really affect your day or your state of mind and turn it into something it's not.

But at this stage, it's more of like, fuck, that's annoying. But you should also like know that like, okay. I don't know what the reason is.

It doesn't really matter. There could be a million reasons. You didn't even think that date was that great. His version is probably like she didn't ask me any questions. I've come far enough. I don't take the, I mean, rejection always sucks.

But I don't, I don't take it super personally or beat myself up about it. In that day where you were letting him talk, Is, are you going from one extreme to another? Or are you finding that middle ground where he led the conversation? He was talking about him. But were there a lot of like, oh, that's interesting. Tell me more.

Like, oh, like, why did, you know, I don't know what he was talking about, probably work or family, but were there follow-up questions of, at least you asking questions? Did you find opportunities to relate his story to yourself in a way that felt like a conversation or were you just letting him talk? I tried a couple times to relate, to show off myself a little bit. Like, here's something cool about me that relates. And he talked over me to then bring it back to something he wanted to share.

And I asked the questions and it was natural flow. Our conversation in that one didn't feel like an interview because he was good at talking and storytelling and animation. So I didn't necessarily feel like tell me about a time with him. that's just kind of in general some feedback I've gotten what was the feedback you've gotten oh about being the interviewer more than once just the once oh okay but I have in the back of my mind now I yeah I mean it's just one person does it feel true I ask a ton of questions but I don't hate that about myself like what like okay you're on a date like what give me an example like how was your morning my morning was good what did you have for breakfast I didn't have breakfast

today. Coffee. I had coffee. How do you like your coffee? I like it with cream. Really? Yeah. What do you? How did you? Black coffee?

Yeah. It's kind of, you know, not for me. I wish I could because obviously I don't think the dairy helps, but. Hot and I still like cream. Always hot, even if it's 99 degrees. And then I get, like, I can just, I, I, the reason I don't hate it is I love knowing, like, I think it leads to really fun, you make conversations about people. It does, but like, so like, if that's a date, and I, I agree with you. right like i can i i literally talk for a living right like yeah that's uh some version of what we

just did is kind of podcast you know you're just you're trying to ask questions you're trying to see where the conversation goes like yes and you know improv like stuff um but off the jump it can feel a little like fuck i don't know man like i had fucking coffee i don't know like fuck uh you know i do think there's a little bit of a dance you know i think there's a little bit of Are you jumping right in? No. That was more to get to the point here. Okay.

But I do, that's not abnormal for me. I think it's just a little bit of like, it's just a little bit of maybe when you're doing that, just like, I don't know, dial it back like 30%. It sounds like just in general. I got to dial everything back. I don't know about that. Be a little chill. But if you are like when, if all of a sudden you're this like, you know, let's say they order, you know, oh, what do you order? Oh, a gin on the, Jen and Rocks.

Oh, what kind of gin do you drink? You know, do you, like, have you always been into gin? Have you ever tried it with vodka? Do you sometimes, you know, like that gets a little like, who, you know, a little. I don't do that. I promise. Okay. All right.

Not to that extent. But I do feel like when I ask people, I mean, we're 30s, we're working. That's 90% of the week. I can get down a rabbit hole of like trying to understand what they do if they're having stories about their coworkers. like understanding the stage. When was the last time you had a conversation on a date where you felt like, I'm into this conversation?

January. And what was that conversation about? Just life. What about how so? I liked this guy. I think we went on five dates in a month or two months. Do you remember any of these conversations? We talked about his divorce.

And what part about that felt more interesting, rather than therapy. It was just nice to hear real, have like an emotional, emotionally depth conversation. Okay, that makes sense. And are you able to have those conversations when you're asking them about like coffee or their drink? No. Do you see the difference? Like I love to talk and I love to talk about ideas.

And like sometimes like part of dating, right, is to find like the person. And you're like, I don't know. Do you ever think about this? I don't know. And a lot of times when you have a conversation like that, the person on the other side of the table might be like, no. You know, like they might not give you anything,

right? But if you are, for example, on a date with the person, you're just like asking about their drink and you're just kind of like trying to like make conversation as people say and you're giving a lot of rapid fire questions to like things that are like, I don't know,

fuck man, I just weren't a fucking drink. Uh, as opposed to like, you know, like that's why sometimes it's fun to like talk like, I don't know, like what's your,

like, you know, playing games like this or that, which are simple and light and silly and stupid, right? And it's just like you're, you know, not that people want to be quizzed about their top five favorite movies, but sometimes talking about like what you're watching or shows that you're watching or like maybe, you know, maybe there's a, I don't know if there's a reality TV fan. And maybe he's like, oh, maybe that, you know,

you might get, oh, my girlfriend loved a housewives and I fucking hated it and it's like drama or whatever. Or maybe you both watched, um, severance, you know, or something. and you found that fascinating, but that can lead to, like, the ideas of things, you know, and you kind of get in the weeds and have, and it's unsurious.

There's no debate. There's no, like, right or wrong. There's just, like, it's kind of, and then you can learn a little bit about a person through, like, how they think and how they feel, and that can get interesting. And then sometimes maybe someone says something that you're like, I love that answer.

It was a great answer. And I'm assuming that guy that you went on a date with said some version of some things where you were like, I loved that answer. That was a great answer. And it made it. it made you feel like he was, you know, a little introspective and could communicate some of the things that he would think about, right? And you're not going to get that when you're quizzing them on, on, on, on like, you know, like, you're, really?

You drink, you put creamier coffee? Do you ever drink black? It's like, whoa, fuck. Like, you know, like, what's the fuck's wrong with my coffee? You know? You know what I'm saying? Like, so all of a sudden, you're being inquisitive and I'm, and listen, like most people aren't that sensitive.

But you know what I'm saying? Like I think there is just a little bit of a dance and there's some nuance and there's a difference between the two. There's been a handful of, yes, I agree with that, where I pull back and we just sit there in silence because they don't know how to hold a conversation. And again, maybe that's just the bad luck. Now, when you're doing that, are you like, are you like, all right, I'm paying talking too much?

I'm going to stop talking now and see what happens. Maybe. I would see how that doesn't work. Well, I don't think about when to do it. Are you sure? It just sounds like you do. Well, maybe I do. I don't have a conscious thought of when he's done talking, I'm not going to say anything back.

Okay. Listen, sometimes there's some awkward moments. You ever just like, you ever call out to, you ever call it out? I don't know. I think I just drink until someone says something. Have you ever, like, talked about like, man, isn't dating hard? It's just shit this is hard. Do you ever commiserate with your fellow daters about the challenges of conversations and the dance?

I don't know. I tried. Where I get cautious to open that can of worms is at this point, like, we all have a pass. Some men love to take the open can and run with it. We get done holes about their exes, which we just don't need to talk about on a first date. I'm fine to like share horror stories of first dates and hinge and the dating world in your 30s. I don't bring it out because I don't necessarily want to get down the past conversation at that point. Are you dating a specific age range?

Online, I have it set to a very small radius of 29 to 34. But I will admit, I'm very picky online because it just feels like an extra level of superficial. In the wild, I feel like I have a more open mind because I've met them through a mutual interest or avenue. If you aren't feeling like you're having luck with that very narrow. I just also think dating apps are just literally not designed. People have found their partners. You can find success on there. I think you just got to be very, very careful about measuring success from online dating

because it's very easy to feel fatigued. I don't know how tall you are. And I don't know your height preferences with. men and I don't you know you sounds like just context clues you're a working professional um and you know like listen it's just you know on dating gaps especially for the ladies out there you're all fighting over the same five guys you know um especially if you have like a preference of over six foot and a certain earning potential and you know i'm looking for a guy in finance you know six, you know what I'm saying?

Like, but like, like, you know, and if you're in a major metropolitan area of some kind, yeah, you're, and if you're limiting your, your age range, you are literally, you're fighting over the same, like not five guys, but same five percent of guys, I would take it with a grain of salt that, you know, but good news is you're not limiting your, your gaining experience to just the apps. But the question is, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, you, are you, you, overweighing how it's affecting your mindset about how the success you are having or not having. I mean, big picture wise, like, just to be clear, you're only 31.

You seem like you have a lot going for you. I know you're frustrated with how things have gone. I understand that I can say you're only 31 and you can call back with like, I don't have as much time as you had at 31, et cetera, et cetera, if you want to have kids. I understand that. but that you're still pretty, you're still young, you know, and I just don't know if giving up, there's probably, like, there's maybe nothing you have to do or that you're doing wrong.

And we, and that's to say, we all can make adjustments and tweaks. If you know you're a type A personality, and you can acknowledge that, that is a certain kind of person. And you maybe have to just, yeah, dial it back a little. little bit. My wife and I, we balance out each other so well. I mean, I got really lucky with, with her, obviously in a lot of aspects. But it seems like naturally, you know, we're both like,

you know, we both like to go out. And now he's way more extroverted than I am. But like, we're both home bodies and we both like need to recharge at home. And that's really, and so now as a married couple, we like to recharge together, which is most of our quality time, which is great. there's a certain things like I will hate doing you know like but we I don't know I can't I can't even get it but we balance each other out and I do think that matters and I think if you're two both type A people you have to find other ways in which you're balancing each other out because I could see how like it's just a lot of friction of type A you know listen I'm not saying go out there and find a type B person it sounds like you've probably organically have been drawn to that

And it seems, and it makes a lot of sense. I think the risk of you dating a type B is that you probably felt like a lot of people's therapists at first. You probably give a sense of like confidence and assurance that if you meet a type B in a transitional period, they might use as an opportunity to, you know, vent to you, open up to you crying your shoulder, you know, things like that. I could see you being really attracted to a type A personality for a period of time only to like get really competitive with them and not, or argue, you know, they're just like,

like, where you just both have different plans that work for you guys. I think step one is don't make a bad situation worse. Stop, you know, you haven't been single for six years. You've, in fact, you have a lot more dating success than other people who have felt the same thing that you're feeling now. And you moved for a guy and it didn't work out. You don't seem upset about it. You're still in this city, right? Like, you don't regret moving, it sounds like.

That was a win. A literal win. And that was a boyfriend you had in between the six years you claimed to have been single that changed your life for the better. Yeah. So we need, like I think more than anything, the narrative you tell yourself makes a big difference. And that was just like, you know, how you got to where you are. That's fair. And I think for a type A personality, being honest with yourself, as much about your wins as your losses is important.

But if you're, because if you're being really hard on yourself, I think you can discount your wins and, and overweigh your losses. And it seems like that's what you're doing a little bit. To put a bow on things. Do I just let life come my way next or it's a numbers game? because in my head those are two very different game. It is, but your struggle is, I think it sounds like you have a hard time finding the middle ground. Do I do this or do I do that? Like the trick is you do a little bit of both, right?

You be intentional about your choices. You look for the red flags. You be open to the idea that like it sometimes takes people a couple times to like show who they really are. You try to bring enough oxygen in space to a conversation that makes people feel comfortable. Know that, but like you, it might be your turn on any individual date to show up and be the one who drives the conversation, you know. And just like, I think sometimes maybe what you're not doing is just like sitting back in the date and just, you know, I'm sure you've probably doing the thing I've talked about. Like you're evaluating the date in real time. And people can sense that.

Definitely. Do you watch Love Island? Not watching this season right now. Sierra's co-host on AfterSunt, Taffy. She was someone who told me because I was like, I don't know, we were having a conversation. And she's a very blunt and honest person. I don't know. We were talking about how people react to us.

And I was like, yeah, sometimes people find me a certain way or like intimidating or whatever. And she's like, because you're constantly analyzing them. And I, it's true. I just have one of those brains where I have to be self-aware not to do that. because my default is to just, I'm very, I'm an observant person. When I'm quiet and in my head and my introverted self comes out in a crowd, that is what I'm doing. It's like how I keep my brain busy. That can make people very self-conscious.

I can also be too honest and direct. Sure. I can relate. Kind of the bluntness as well. Yeah. And that scares people off. That doesn't mean you have to change who you are. It's just, it's honestly, it's trying, it's being aware of that in the moment and try to pull it back a little

bit, but you're not trying to change yourself. You are who you are. You want to find people who fuck with that, you know? You want to find the person who's intrigued by your directness who eventually is going to find it obnoxious, but doesn't right now. And that and but, but, but, and they, and they have the self-confidence and the, and the, and the ability to like, you know, challenge you, right? Push back, right? And like, that's, but at the end of the day, you don't want to wad yourself down so much that people don't know who you're dating. You should definitely read the sub sec.

I'm dropping tomorrow. It's called, Am I the Problem? Shameless plug. Awesome. I appreciate it. Yeah. It doesn't seem like you're doing anything wrong overall. I think you're it sounds like you're pretty hard on yourself.

It sounds like this is taking longer than you expected based on what you think you bring into the table. And it's probably very accurate. But like with, again, with those high standards and those high expectations, the challenge that most people, you know, like, you know, like someone like Sierra, the whole world is telling her how amazing she is and how she can get any person she wants and how like, oh my God, the world should worship the ground that you're, and all true, you know.

But like, that does not make her finding the person that makes her feel safe, seen, and heard easier. Because, like, she's not looking for anyone. She's looking for one person, and she wants that thing to be special. And the longer, and she's picky, and she has high standards and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that can get very frustrating for someone in her shoes. So if there's any part of you that, like, again, maybe has family members who think, what's, you know, why have you found someone? You have all the, you know, you have it all.

You're a total package. I'm like, maybe you just need to take a breath, you know, remind yourself that you're only, 31 and make some small tweaks but and more importantly you probably like all of us could be just more present on the first dates you could try to analyze the first dates a lot less when you're on them if you feel yourself talking a lot clock it in the middle of the day and be like I'm talking you know what I'm doing all the time you know not in a way that feels like you're fucking up and I'm carrying the state but like you know what I'm almost offer some vulnerability. You know what? I talk a lot when I'm a little nervous. You know, what about you?

You know, call that out, right? And if they're doing all the talking, don't kind of sarcastically be like, do you want to get to know me? Like, maybe just offer, I don't know, try to find that middle ground. But you also are allowed to be like, I'm not feeling it, you know? But try, and if you can in the moment, just to like, you know, the West Wilson's of the world who can just be amazing. first-daters, there's something to be said about those people who are really good at just making sure the other person has a good time. And they're not worried about analyzing anything. They're just good at, they want to have fun. I'm like, I'm just, I'm going to have fun. And that is attractive and charming. So maybe just try to go have fun. You can go home and

analyze that date when it's done. I think more than anything, that'll go a long way for, the more I'm finding out about you, it's just like the more I'm thinking like you're just, you're just a little too hardcore and you're a little too intentional and add that to the frustrations you've been experiencing with dating and and and you're making it harder on yourself than it needs to be you're showing up a little like high strung a little like just you know binary you know it's like you're they're going to be good or you're bad like i don't have time to like i need to know immediately if i'm going to like you right away this is a test not an experience you know this is and i think you need to pull back from all of that. That's fair. That's a good assessment. Well, hopefully this is helpful, but like, you're going to be fine, you know, like just. I'm just eager, but. This is good, but. That's good.

No, that's good advice. Listen, you're a confident person. You have a lot going for you. What you're probably not doing a good job about it is showing that. You're not showing that unbothered, like, I don't need anyone. I have everything in my life but a man. But like you are, the part that you are showing up is, I have everything in my life, but a man. So I really need a man.

You know, like, you know, it's like you don't make. that part so so obvious and don't feel like you are also like i just you know everything else is perfect i don't you know trying to convince yourself that you don't need someone just it's again it's it's all easier said than done go have fun play volleyball play tennis it is not about meeting a guy it is about having an experience you never know where that can go there's a domino effect on on meeting people i met my wife because i asked a masseuse at a whole food to take a photo of me and a grocery you start a parking lot. You know?

And then things just happened. You just never know. And for fun, maybe just expand that date range. To younger or to older? I think it's just too narrow. It's within four years. I mean, unless you're just like, I don't know, I have no interest in dating a 40-year-old,

then I'm not here to sell you on dating four-year-olds. But I do think men in general are mature, slower than women. I do think people in general have he gotten worse at dating and more self-centered. And I think, you know, the way we kind of what are our expectations are of people in society, I think some people figure it out. And I think a lot of people don't these days. And so you are shopping in a pool with the type of person that you're looking for is finite. In any age group that in any age group, you're looking for a certain type of person.

I don't know what that, you know, specifics, but like you have a person you're looking for. And that person probably has some emotional maturity and has maybe been through, has certainly had some life experiences. So you're not like teaching them how to be a man or a dater, but not the type of life experiences where they need a therapist, you know? These are some things you're looking for, right? And there's going to be a lot of 29 to 34 year olds who are like, you're going to meet a lot of guys who are like, I just don't know what I want to do with my life.

And if there just might be a 40-year-old who, you know, at 40s kind of figured it out. I don't know. And to whatever degree to dating apps are playing into your frustration, you're just nearing your focus. And if you would go out with a 40-year-old, if you met him at a bar, then why, why not, why not expand that search on the dating apps? Because you are looking for a needle in the haystack with whatever your filters look like, you're still looking for a needle in the haystack.

Just need to stop over thinking all of it. Sure, yeah. Welcome to the club. Yeah. If nothing else, the fact that you are aware that you're overthinking means that you can like occasionally check in and say stop it. You know, and I spent a lot of time talking about our wasted energy, but I'm in my head thinking about the things I shouldn't be thinking about. So like, you know, it's. Yeah.

You know, but knowing is half the battle. Yeah. Hopefully this was helpful. but um very helpful just chill out you're going to be okay yeah just chill out sure so i appreciate it thank you all right good luck keep us posted uh hopefully i have good news in the next couple of months i appreciate it thank you all right take care all right bye bye what's up everybody don't forget that all vile files post content is ad free plus for all you sneak listeners out there. Your update specials are ready and waiting for you. I know you are very

interested on the follow-up calls. What has happened to these people after they heard my advice? It had helped them. Did it hurt them? Has their life changed? Well, you can find out on Update Plus, and you can get Update Plus behind Vialfiles Plus. So go to VialFiles.com to sign up. You will be glad that you did. How's it going? Hi. It's going good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Caroline. I am 32 and I need help. Okay. What can I help you out with? I am looking for advice on if I should move in with my boyfriend or not, even though I am not ready, but we are expecting a baby. Oh, well, congratulations. Thank you.

Okay, so that's very interesting. How, I'm guessing the pregnancy was like a surprise, like that wasn't like you guys weren't trying? We weren't trying, no. How long have you been together? Just under a year, we've been really good friends for about eight years, off and on, in and out of each other's lives. I have a three-year-old, so we lost touch for a couple years, but the past year's been great. He's a great role model. He's stepped in. He's helped. He's been phenomenal. And we live separately. But we are pregnant, and we need to figure out what we're going to do. Okay. It is very interesting. There's a lot of

layers here. Yeah. I kind of side with you on the whole moving in thing. But this changes things a little bit. So I'm really excited to hear your perspective. It does. Yeah. Well, you know, you already are a parent. So what does that dynamic look like for you? I've been a single parent from day one. Okay. My son came home to my one bedroom apartment with me and, you know, I've had a really great past three years. I'm so blessed for the way everything has played out. I've been able to work from home. I found a new job and raise my son. And I'm really proud of everything I've done completely on my own from day one. That's given me a lot of pride and help my ego and kind of built me up from what could have been really heartbreaking, like a really heartbreaking time in my life.

And I don't know how I would have gotten through all of that if I didn't have my son. And that wasn't my priority. So that really helped me having to do it all by myself, just kind of accomplish that and see that. And I have a lot of pride and all of that. And I bought a house. And I've done a lot of really amazing things in the past three years. And I'm not ready to let go of this season of it being just me and him and doing this on our own. Interesting. Where's dad? Where's dad in the picture for the, you said you're, is he in the picture at all? Is that a sensitive topic? What's, um, intermittently, when he feels like it, two hours every 10 days or so. Um, so. So he, haven't had a lot of help. He like exists, technically. He's every other weekend. Hey, can I have him for a couple hours? Okay. Interesting. Uh, and how do you feel about that? It's not ideal, but it also is ideal, right? I know I can depend on me. I know I can get things done. And that's the only way I've known how to do it for three years.

And I know what I'm getting there. So I think it's not great for my son. But like every night I get to put my baby to bed. I get to feed him every meal. I get to experience every holiday. I don't have to give up anything. And I'm a little selfish with that time. For sure.

Yeah. Yeah. I literally cannot imagine having to share that time. So. Yeah. I don't think there's that co-parenting situation that's perfect. But yours is fairly. ideal given the fact that like you're in the driver's seat it seems like and and you've made the

it sounds like you've made it more than most the most of your situation the past couple years and like you said done a lot of things that only you not only survived but you've succeeded in a way that must feel very empowering and good so prior to getting pregnant with the friend new boyfriend what did that what did that relationship look like um we've always just been friends um really my good friends in the beginning and then obviously lost touch for a couple years, but about a year ago, we kind of just reconnected. And it was pretty casual, I'd say, throughout the summer, last summer. I don't even think it's been a year, really, that we've been kind of back together.

But when I bought my house in December, he's been, you know, all hands on deck. He's helping me renovate. And he's got his own house. He lives 10 minutes down the road. But we've kind of been building this with the thought, like, hey, three to four years, this will be a home we eventually start a family and potentially because mine is a little larger than his. And I was very transparent. I'm a three to five year plan on doing anything like that. And this has kind of shifted all of that. He has no kids? No kids, not. But from the moment we found out,

he was very much like, all right, cool. So I'm going to move in. And I'm like, wait, I don't know. I want that yet. So he, I know it's very unrealistic. So what is, what does ideal look like for you? I mean, I think he lives 10 minutes down the road. I don't know why there's not a world where we can still make sure this is what we want to do before we're moving in together and bringing him. He has pets into my home with my son and I. But right now, you guys can afford both places, correct? Yeah, we're thinking about like Airbnb or renting out his home. I'm selling. It's not really an option right now. Okay. What conversations have you had with them? I've actually said, you know, I'm not really wanting to talk about it until, you know, I'm in the second trimester. It's still really early

because I'm afraid to talk about it because I don't want to offend him. I don't want to put him in limbo. I felt like when I was pregnant with my son, my whole nine months, I was like, I don't know where I'm going to live. I don't know what my relationship's going to do. I don't know how my life is going to look. It was a very uneasy thing for me. In a way, I'm doing that same thing to him right now. And that's super unfair. And I feel really bad about it. I've been talking to you for 10 minutes. and I empathize with your experience that you had with your first child. Has, does he heard that at all? Does he know how much you've overcome and what you've accomplished

and what that meant to you personally doing this on your own? He does? Yeah. Great. Have you not had the conversation where you're like, listen, obviously, we didn't expect this. Overall, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I'm excited, you know, like,

Sounds like you guys are planning on having this kid together. And like, can't you say to them? Like, I guess I'm struggling with this mentally, if for no other reason that like what I did with, I don't know, your firstborn, call him Dylan. I'm a little Dylan. That was a real big deal for me in what I was able to do.

And I guess I'm just having a little hard time letting go of that because like we didn't decide to do this together. Like we kind of like we got a little sloppy and maybe we both wanted this deep down, and so we let it happen. And I think, yeah, I'm happy. But I'm a little nervous about just that. That seems reasonable. He can't.

We've had that conversation, and he's so understanding. Great. He's very understanding, very empathetic to it all. So why do you guys need to? From a father's standpoint. Sure. I mean, listen, like, practically speaking. He wants to be there to put his baby to bed every night.

Are you going to tell him to go home? Like, what does it look like right now? You guys live 10 minutes away from each other. Like, how many nights a week is he spending at each other's houses? We don't do overnights. He has dogs and then I have my kid. You never do overnights. Only when, like, he has a dog sitter.

Okay, that's definitely something. Yeah. You've never done overnights? We've done it a couple times and then my son's really confused, right? He comes in my room in the middle of the night and then he's asking where he is for days on end. And I'm like, listen, I don't like this. This is making my son confused. And I don't want him bringing his dogs to my house.

I don't have pets. I don't clean up after pets. I don't, you know, you live 10 minutes on the road. They can be down there and I can be here. So we don't really do overnights unless he's got a dog sitter. Okay. Or if my mom's in town, I'll go over and I'll stay over there. Well, you are, you know, listen, you are going to have to find some compromises that you are comfortable with.

For sure. And I think you feel this is a good. thing. He wants to show up for his family, it sounds like. I don't know what that's like, but I'm happy about it. Yeah, but it might be something you have to get good at allowing to happen. It makes a lot of sense you're going to have a hard time letting go of that independence that you've worked so hard to carve out for yourself and it almost feels like you're abandoning something that you work so hard to get. I feel like it healed so much of me, and now I'm scared to go through it all again and I won't have that.

But I'll have a hand to help me and someone to be there. And I don't know what that's like either. So it's almost like a whole new situation. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. There's probably some out of letting him, a fear of letting him in, getting comfortable with the normalcy, only for him to piece out.

Yeah. Have you talked to him about that? Yeah. And he's steadfast. He's not going anywhere. He's dead set. So like that should give me comfort, right? But I believe any of you know.

I'm not trying to scare you, but there's nothing. thing that there's no guarantees. Like, you know, you have to keep, you have to keep showing up. You know, you're going to have to find the compromises. One, I'm sure it will be helpful to have a second hand. And without the second kid, it makes sense. Right now, it feels honestly more weird to have them spend the night because of these boundaries you put in place, right? He has dogs. But once the new kid shows up, it might be more weird for him not to. Yeah. So maybe, I guess all I'm saying is like maybe the obvious solution right now from a practicality standpoint is he keeps his house. He doesn't have to air being like it's good that you're talking about options. That's great.

Yeah. I don't think we need to execute on those options right now. I think as unpractical as it is, you guys can just have the kid and then see where you guys land. And while you knowing that you you should challenge yourself to being open to allowing him to feel included and like to whatever degree you want to have a relationship with him, feel like you guys are a family and let him in to your world. Sounds like something that might be a struggle for you, but also it sounds like something you are aware that is also like it sounds like what you want. If it, if it, if you knew that it was all going to work out, it's what you would want kind of thing. Yeah, I want, you know, more kids. I want a family. I want that life. I just wasn't.

wasn't ready to let go of everything that I've built right now. Listen, now he's having a hell of a time with the idea that like she won't, it won't just be her and river. And it's not. It's us, but like there is a bond that they have. And so I think, you know,

very different than what you are experiencing, but there is a similarity in that what you've been through and what you've done with your first child is, is always going to be a special moment. And, and, and you know, having this child and this relationship is going to change a period of your time that was very

meaningful to you. And that part is similar to what Natalie has experienced, that she is, and for different reasons, having a hard time with. Like she, you know, obviously she's happy. She's going to have girls and blah, blah, blah, but like there's moments that makes her really sad. Yeah, you're like mourning the old life. Yeah, which I think is normal. As I was like, I was having this conversation with Natalie literally the other night, you know, she's, she's so worried about that. And I just kind of reminded her that like, listen, like, you're worried about, like, carving out time so it's just you and River. But one, what you have with River, no one will ever be your first born. No one, you know, like every experience as a mom, you're going to experience,

well, it's likely first with River. You're going to show, like, River is going to be so excited to, like, be a big sister. And now he's going to do stuff with River with the, you know, it's like, you know, And those will be moments that you're going to, you know, there's other moments that you're going to experience that will feel just as special. It will be different. And she is so focused on what it looks like now as you are. There are other experiences for you to have with yourself and with your son and with your partner trying to like make sure nothing changes is probably a little short-sighted. But you know that. Yeah. You're right. For sure. But yeah. If anything else, I think it's, normal that you are experiencing

these feelings. And so you're not wrong for it for, you know, like, whichever party is like, I should be excited and I should be grateful. I finally have a guy who's willing to do blah, blah, blah, blah. For me, like, that doesn't that's like, that's like,

of course, Naili's excited, she's going to have two new girls. You know, just because she's worried about this bond that she has with river that might be different doesn't make her unexcited or unappreciative of the fact that she obviously, you know, wants to have more children. So if there's any party that's like questioning why you feel this way, you know, you can give yourself that grace.

My friends just keep saying I'm being selfish and that. That's a little. Unnecessary. I don't know if that's helpful. I have a guy that's willing to help. What friend is saying this? Because I did it on my own doesn't mean I should have done it on my own. What friend is saying this?

It's like my closest friend and her husband that have been basically like, my sister and brother-in-law since I've had my son. They've been like my biggest support. They really like the guy. They're really happy. But they see me potentially pushing away. Their only feedback is you're being selfish? Yeah. And I'm probably laying in like pouring everything into them right now. They're like one of the only people I can't really talk to about this. Okay. Well, you know, maybe sometimes, you know, I guess friends can be more direct than. Very direct people. That doesn't solve your problem. because it's not about selfishness.

It's just about, it's just recognizing why you're feeling what you're feeling and then trying to find a path forward. It's just, it's pointing out, like I said, like I pointed out to Nali, it was like,

boy, that's, you're, it's being a real selfish mom to want to, like, you know, to connect with your oldest daughter. Or are you not going to love your kid?

Like what, you know, it's more like, it's more like you're, you know, I just said to Natalie, I don't think you're going to be worried about this, the way you're worried about it now,

once they show up. And I would say the same to you. Right now, you can only imagine what it's going to look and feel like. But the same way, whatever feeling you felt when your son was born and the magic that kind of just immediately showed up

will happen again, but it'll just be different. And so right now, you're spending a lot of time worrying about something you literally can't imagine. But the thing you do know is that when you're, child shows up, you do know it's this kind of unimaginable. You're like, I could not, you know,

you just couldn't comprehend how it was going to change your point of view. You're worrying about something that you literally can't comprehend how it's going to change. You don't know how it's going to move you to see him become a father, your partner in a ways that you didn't get to experience that with your firstborn. Yeah. And you might fall in love seeing this guy light up the way, you know what I'm saying? Like, and there's a good chance you might be like, I was worried about like not wanting you here on a Tuesday night when he's this out, you know, he's this like, you know, coat, you know,

he's feeding, you know, like, you know, you're, you'll give a good chance you'll laugh. But at the same time, I don't, you know, you, I think right now you can be like I, I'm being, you know, I'm struggling with this, whatever. Can we just, for my piece of mind, not like put the house on Airbnb right now. And I know it doesn't make sense. And I know it's not a long-term solution, but can we just have the kid and then figure it out?

Yeah. Right now I've planted everything until like late fall before any action needs to start happening to try to give me some peace of mind that I have time. But even then I think that's like when I want to start actually planning for something because it just seems like a lot. What do you mean? what seems like a lot?

Just like thought of like moving everything in here, the dogs, just like everything changing and then changing again when the baby's here. It just seems like a lot of change. And I don't like change. Yeah, you know. Ready or not, here it comes. Yeah, I don't know. The biggest change in your life was the best moment of your life.

So I don't know. Maybe you like it better than you realize. Yeah. I think you're really good at anticipating change you might not like and psyching yourself out. For sure. But being an unexpected mother and then being an unexpected single mother and then having that be one of the most rewarding periods of your life doesn't fit the narrative that you aren't, whether you like it or not, you're good at it.

And it clearly, when you're able to do it, gives you a great amount of accomplishment. Yeah. So to the narrative that you don't like change, probably isn't as accurate as you think you do. Change might make you uncomfortable. It gives you anxiety as it does with a lot of people. But the things that we're able to overcome give us a lot of pride and joy and personal sense of accomplishment. So don't discount what you've been able to do of those past three years. And while your new situation is different, think about, like, allow yourself to just know that you did that.

And so we don't know how it's all going to look, but just know that you're going to do this too. and there were points of discomfort in these past three years but that's not the part that you are thinking about when you think about it you think about your wins and not the challenges you think about what you overcame so try to focus on that

and not I want to have like the dogs I want to be very cognizant of a father coming into this role and I don't want to exclude or act like I'm better off without And I feel like maybe sometimes I come off that way. So I just want to be really aware of his feelings and including him and everything. Just because I have, again, I had to do it by myself, but he wants to be involved and he needs to be.

Well, you being aware of it is a big step. So I think you're going to be okay. Thank you. And again, I just, I don't think the answer is you're just a selfish person. It's just, you know, it's different. It's different. And it's an adjustment and it's a big adjustment. And, yeah, you want to do it right.

So you're going to be all right. Thank you so much, Nick. I appreciate your time. Good luck. Congratulations. Keep us updated. We'd love to know how you navigate this. I will definitely keep you guys in the loop. Congrats to you and the girls and Natalie. Thank you. Thanks. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Vanessa and I'm a 22-year-old female dating a 27-year-old male. Okay. And my question is, am I dating a man-child or is this just a rough touch? Okay. Tell me why you're asking that question. We've been dating for some context. We've been dating for about like two and a half years now,

living together for, I'd say, a year and a half or so, somewhere around there. And I would say consistently we've had issues with cleaning, doing chores. And lately it's just been really hard. But he has started a new job or his hours are rather demanding. And I'm like, okay, is this him just like not being able to grow up and do chores? Or is this like a valid? solid reason and I just need a, you know, maybe he needs 80% from me and he's just able to give the 20% right now. Okay. Has it gotten better or worse?

Worse, I would say, and it's a little frustrating because I have like explained to him several times since he started this new job. Like, hey, I'm kind of struggling with this. And he, he would say, you know, hey, I'm like, I'm going to work on it and then he doesn't. And it's, I'm also, I'm working full time. I'm in my master's program taking two classes. is I, he takes my car and so after work, I walk home, take our dog out, do homework. And my days off, they look like, hey, okay, I'm going to do chores, okay, I'm going to do homework.

His day off, he only gets one day off. And he tends to either we do something together or he just kind of plays video games. His days off are just way more relaxed than my days. And that kind of sucks. But I also feel like I can't put that expectation on him or I feel guilty for expecting him to maybe help me a little bit with the load because he's, his work is so demanding. Like he gets off of work sometimes as late as nine or even or as early as six o'clock. And then he's working on this promotion.

So he has to do this training. That's 10 o'clock at night to sometimes 12 o'clock at night. So point being, he's just really like having a lot of demands put on him for work. And he's doing that so he could support me through my schooling. So I feel like I can't ask him for help. Is he supporting you through a schooling? I mean, he is. Like he, like last year when I was doing my bachelor's, he was, he was my rock.

Like, he's the strengths to my weaknesses. You know, I'm very anxious and like all over the place. And he helps kind of cool me down. They're like, hey, you got this. You're incredible. He calls me Superwoman, you know, it's all great. Is that the only way he's supporting you by just being like my rock? Yeah.

But he's not like financially supporting you. Not 100%, not completely. Like, I mean, I'm working full time right now. But the goal, because he's working so hard to get this promotion and like he's a manager right now. So then once I, because in August, I'm going full time for my classes and I'm going to have an internship. There's no way in hell that I can survive all that with a full time job like I am right now. So he's working towards that so then I don't have to work as much. So he's not doing this for fun.

Like he's doing it for me. So I should be able to do all the chores. But I don't want to. When you say the chores, like what are the chores? I mean just like dishes, laundry, taking care of the animals and taking trash out. He does none of that?

He does help with the animals, but aside from that, no. See, and even like cooking dinner, see, with his last job, this was still a problem. The tours have consistently been a problem in our relationship. I've had to bring it up with him.

And he's done, like, go in some areas, but, like, at first it was Rocky. He's kind of said to me, maybe not the exact words but basically well it doesn't bother me and it bothers you so you should kind of you should do it or if you want it done by certain times then do it yourself he's since then kind of like back stepped with that but my thing is it's like it's like it stresses me out when stuff is like dirty and I can't have a clear-headed mind and do the things I do need to do for school when it's like that but in his head is like well you do it I'm like well do you love me do

you want to help me how messy is he he he's not like a pig or anything it's just like cleaning If I cook dinner, he's not going to help me clean the dishes, although it's funny because he says, oh, since you're cleaning, you're doing dinner, I should, like, the role should be that he does the dishes, but he typically doesn't help me with dishes. Or if he like... So, like, you're making, you make dinner. It's a regular night. Yeah. Not all the time. Okay.

But like I say a night you're making dinner. Let's say this is a night where he doesn't have to study or whatever. Is he choosing not to help you with the dishes and just watching you do the dishes and sitting around doing nothing and refusing to the, do dishes or is it more like he doesn't love doing the dishes but he also has a bunch of other shit to do and so and you in that particular moment are free and so what which is more accurate he watches me i would say but see right now he's not even i i get it done before he gets home typically so but in the instance that he was home and i needed to do the chores yeah he would watch me he'd play his games he plays video games too so that's his ways we're allowed

But he can't help. Yeah. So listen, you know, obviously very nuanced. I think, well, one, you're 22, he's 27. You've been together for two. Like, so it sounds like you guys live together. Are, is an engagement around the corner? Is like, it sounds like this is a person you got, I'm assuming you're talking about, like a life together. Yeah. We, we've had. I honestly feel like the position we are right now, I don't feel comfortable necessarily getting engaged. I feel like there's some things that we need to work on before I'm like ready to commit. But here's the thing too is that he was previously married as well with somebody for two years. And they like after the year march, she pressured him into marriage.

And so and then their relationship ended and because he wasn't feeling loved. And so that's something that like he's holding on to. And you know that because he's communicated that with you. he's like hey I got divorced and she didn't make me feel loved and she pressured me into marriage that that's yeah yeah like physical touch is a really big thing for him yeah yeah specifically like sexual activity which is another thing that is like stressor in a relationship because I have a history of sexual soul and so that's something that we're working on is another stressor and the cleaning is a stressor yeah but he has explained to me that's like a big thing for him he needs to feel loved he needs to have that physical intimacy I'm assuming he's saying it in a way there he's like hey this happened to me me or and this is what I need. Yeah, he's not being demanding or anything. But he's making it clear what he needs to feel love and support it. Yeah.

Yeah, he has. Okay. And do you feel like your needs and demands are being reciprocated? Because like everyone has a right, like he has a right to communicate that. But the question is, you know, does, does, is there any part of the fact that he's already been married and divorced, does it feel like at all that maybe even it's unspoken, that he's a little bit more justified to ask than you are because like it already hasn't worked out with someone else. So he has a clear picture of what he doesn't want or some, some version of that.

I mean, I don't feel that way. Okay. But I don't, I maybe it's a part, but I, yeah, I've never thought about that. Um, so I don't, I don't think so. All right. I mean, listen, I, generally speaking like I mean you're only 22 and like you know it's young but like a lot of 22 year olds get married and things like that I met my my wife at your age and she moved in with me at like 23 or something

uh 20 maybe it was 22 yeah and so like but like the conversations we had were you know pretty once we got going got pretty serious and she knew what she wanted but like when you're I guess what I'm saying is you're playing house for sure right and that's yeah yeah okay to a certain extent but you're playing a house in a situation where it doesn't sound like you're necessarily on a path to engage it's how it sounds

like you're playing house to we'll see which is what a lot of people do which is like you know we date and it just kind of makes sense to move in with each other because like there's some financial incentives or whatever the reason why i just needed a roommate or we spend the most time together so like why not? Let's just see how it goes. And then you kind of get in this kind of like relationship purgatory where it's just like, I mean, yeah, I mean, like, I think he's my person and I do think I want to spend my rest of my life with him, but like not right now. And now that I'm living with him, I'm noticing a lot of things I don't love. So like, I guess we'll see. And now you're like playing house with someone who's like just your boyfriend. And, and there's no real path forward,

I guess is what I'm saying. Does that make sense? Yeah. No. it makes sense and it sucks because like when I think about like getting married and like I do get emotional but it's like am I emotional because it's with him or is my emotional because it's just getting married in general and I just think about the things that like he does for me and I'm like hey there's like he does support me he's great right but I think you've made a good point this is something that he's even pointed out to me that possibly acts of service is kind of one of my love languages and I'm not getting out at all. another one is quality time and we have been working on that but it's it's kind of adding up it's getting to a point where I'm like I do love him and I feel his love but I feel like I'm trying to give my all towards him and he's not necessarily doing that like I'm trying so hard to be able to meet those needs of you know his his sexual life um but I can't get him to do chores I mean I don't want to say that actually because if I ask him hey like if I'm pinpoint like do these dishes he'll do them but I really don't want to have to do that want him to see oh my god the trash

is piling up let me take it out but okay well let's backtrack for a second because I understand the I don't know if you've seen the movie the breakup but I want you to want to do the dishes is okay yeah it's a famous line and he's like who wants to do the dishes yeah taking a step back I have learned at least what's been successful for me and my marriage so far and I'm no expert but like we both feel like we both care right we both feel like we can at the end of the day be like hey this is important to me can you do this for me or us or whatever there's a level of we're in it together a common goal a partnership that is like a big part of our relationship you know and there is like there's reciprocity there and that is just like a big picture feeling that is just like a big picture

feeling we have. On a day-to-day person, like certainly one of us might irritate the other. Usually it's me irritating Natalie or whatever. Or we might like, you know, I play a video game at a time she was like finds it annoying or unhelpful. We might push the limits of, of the patience of our partners. That's normal. But at the end of the day, we both know she is my number one priority. You know, I feel like we're each other's number one priority outside of our kid, you know, and our children. And if you're feeling in your relationship where you are doing 80% of, you know, 100% of your half and half of his, that doesn't, and that, how a lot of people feel, that doesn't work out, right? If you don't feel like at the end of the day, you can go to him

and say, I really need this. And I need the, and he can say, yeah, I'm not good at it or whatever or blah, blah, but he could have all his excuses. I'm busy, you know, but he can be busy and make you feel like a priority. In fact, I think it's really easy for busy people to make their partners feel like a priority because I think a lot of those cases, like yourself, their partners understand that they're busy and they see that they're busy. So they're even more reasonable of what they can expect. It's like, and usually, let me know if I'm not making sense, but it's like the busy person knows that they're busy and so they sometimes will use their busyness as an excuse to do nothing to like is there you know to like well to do the things they don't want to do

but the busy person the right busy person could be like I'm busy but I'm I'm I still my partner still my priority I don't want to be so busy that I make my partner feel like I that I don't care about them or they're not a priority or they're not willing to show up and and that busy person can really make their partner feel important and valued because their partner knows they're busy and yet they're still showing up. You know, maybe not as much as the unbusy person. It's not perfect. They still might have to ask for a lot of grace because they're so busy.

But when they do show up, that the person really notices it. And you seem like you would notice it. And it sounds like you're just feeling you're negotiating a little too hard for some of the bare minimum stuff. Yeah. It does feel like he is using his busyness sometimes as a little excuse to just not do I'm working on it is not, it's like, you know, are you, are you saying you're working on it or are you just working on it? You know, and so.

Yeah. Yeah. There was a point in time where he really was working on it. Before he had this job, he, we arranged for him to cook for a little bit just because I, another big chore thing is cooking. And if I don't cook, we're eating fast food. And I want to get out of that. Does he like to cook? Is he good at cooking?

No. I would say he's good. And he did find some, like, interest. Like, his thing is soups, and he's enjoying doing that or was enjoying doing that. Yeah, great. And I was like, hell yeah. He makes a mean cheddar broccoli soup. But with this job, he hasn't been doing that.

And so we're eating fast food more. And then that's making me feel like shit because I don't want to do that. So it's the whole thing. And I do think if I genuinely put it in front of him, like, hey, I am genuinely struggling, and I really need you to put in this effort, like, or I don't know. but I wouldn't want to like frame it as an ultimatum because he's also like, oh my God, I hate those. And I feel like I have pointed out, hey, I'm struggling.

And he said I'll work on it. He doesn't. So it's just like the cycle. So yeah, there's a middle ground, right? Like it's not an ultimatum unless like it needs to be. Yeah. But at the same time, he can't just, again, like, there's every relationship past period, you know,

you're only 22. You have been named for two and a half years. But like, do you think he's the type of person where it's just like maybe right now he is so busy and working so hard that it's really difficult for him to do some of these things and are you more frustrated by the

idea that you're doing a little bit more than he is but like you also can and it's fine because you are supporting him and you're it's part of the team goal and it's part of a long term goal and that he has demonstrated in the past his ability to like show up for you in a way where like right now it's a little bit uneven

because of just like where you guys are at in life but you do feel like you know as life moves on and things will change do you feel that or do you feel like he's just you know he may be busy but he's also kind of like good at being selfish and he's really he's really good at stating what he wants and what he needs he needs a physical intimacy he's very good at communicating to what why he got a divorce

which almost makes me feel you know almost sometimes like don't do that because then I'll divorce you know And is he really good at that because at the end of the day, he's someone who's very set in his ways. And he is looking for someone to accommodate him more than being a team with someone. You know, and you have to ask that question. And I think whatever you think is more true is probably like your answer in terms of, is this worth working on or versus not?

I feel like you brought up a lot of great things that I want to actually hit on. first of all, I went into this relationship and I'm pretty sure I made it clear that I don't want to be a traditional housewife. I mean, hello, I'm school, like going for my master's. Does that mean I want to stay home and do your laundry? No. And he understands that, but I do feel like subconsciously he does want a housewife. And that's been something that I've had to fight with, not against him, but inside myself. Because when I start doing all the housewife things, I'm like, oh, my gosh.

God, I'm here I am doing all this stuff because I'm a woman. But I've worked towards thinking, okay, no, I'm doing this because it makes me feel good. I like a clean house and it makes me feel better. I'm not doing this because I have to. And that has helped. But now that I'm busy and I'm stressed, I've told him before, if I don't do, it doesn't get done. And he's like, no, like, that's not true. I'm like, yes, it is. So it's just, that that piece in mind that I had has now that I'm busier with school. If you got, if you were single, how much less work would you have because you wouldn't have him to deal with? Okay, that's another, like, great thing that you're bringing out because he was, he's actually not here right now. So on Sunday, he left for a work trip

and doing great things. And he won't be back till Friday. And if he was telling me, like, oh, like, I might not, like, it might fall through. And I was like, no, please, please go. Um, not because I I hate him being here because I'm like, ah, I get to worry just about my laundry. I don't have to make sure his uniforms are clean. I, like, I only have to grab my own towel. Like, like, I only have to grab my own towel, like just all those things. I only have to worry about feeding myself because I feel like in some ways he is a little more demanding on food. He's like after work. He's like, hey, what's for now? I'm like, oh, fuck, I didn't cook anything. Guess work like eating out. And also my car. Like I let him use my car, but he lives further away. I live like, I work a mile away. And so it's easy for me to walk home. But now I get to like drive to and from work and it's so nice. And I feel a little more relaxed. But it's brought up these emotions of like, oh God, does that mean I? don't love him or don't want to be with him because I'm happy that he's gone for a week. How happy? I mean, I'm not happy.

I'm a little emotionally distraught right now, but it is a little, like, less stressful, I would say. Take away your worrying about the big picture of your relationship. How much are you enjoying this week? I'm doing it. I feel bad because he calls me and he's like, I miss you. I'm like, I miss you too. Well, listen, you don't miss being, listen, there's, there's some, there's obviously some kind

of inequity in this relationship. He doesn't get to be the person who, like, doesn't want to cook but gets to expect what's on the menu. You know, or the fact that, like, he's got, you know, he can do his laundry. You can, you know, you're not married. You do live together. You could just be. And at some level, you don't feel appreciated, too.

There's that, you know, like, I don't know. Even if he did a better job of being like, I'm so lucky to have you. really made you feel like, I don't know, some way, more than just words, he appreciated you than he is doing now. Now it just feels like work. You keep saying the word chores. Like, most 22-year-old don't say the word chores these days. In fact, I was actually, me and my, I was asking Natalie, do parents give kids chores anymore?

Because there's this like viral thing going around by the super nannies talking about how like kids these days don't know to do basic stuff. Anyway, I digress. Yeah. But you feel like you're doing his chores. And that is just annoying. He's said before, too, like, hey, you could just, like, if it's really that big a deal, just do your own laundry and I'll do mine.

And I'm like, but I feel like I have to. Like, I'm like, that sounds wrong. Like, if I'm going to do my laundry, then I might as well do that. Well, it's like, I don't know. That feels fucked. Like, it feels rude. I'm like, why am I just going to worry about myself? We're in a relationship.

I should, like, want to have clean clothes for you, right? How do you feel like he is your partner? Like, how does he show up for you? He's very, like, emotionally supportive, I would say. Because, again, like... So he's a cheerleader. He's a good cheerleader. Yeah, yeah.

And he is, like, supporting me financially. Like, he is trying to be, I guess, your traditional man. He is supporting you financially on some level? Yeah, to some level he is, for sure. What about the part where he's using your car? Yeah. I mean, he is using my car and I, How is he supporting you financially?

He's just, well, he gets his paycheck and then he sends me like a portion of it and then I handle the bills. So he's just giving me money essentially. Yeah. So he's supporting you financially or he's, you're sharing the cost and you are also doing the finances of the relationship? Yeah. So I guess saying supporting financially isn't accurate, but I mean, he is helping me with

finances. Like, I have my money. Yeah, yeah, but, but he sends you money that, and then you deal with the finances of the house and the relationship. Yeah. So it's actually just more work. It's not him giving you money. You're splitting costs, right? Well, yeah, and the funny thing is, too, there is only one bill that's under his name, but I have to remind him to check his email so I could pay it.

So it's to be clear, you split the cost. No one's paying for the other person. Your guys generally overall are just spending costs. Yeah, we're paying as a collective. Yeah, yeah. Which is normal. It makes sense. But you are, for the most part, managing the finances and making, and you have the

responsibility to make sure things get paid. Yeah. So I feel like I am the man and the woman. Yeah. So again, back to like how outside of being a cheerleader and saying, good job, hon, I believe in you. How is he, how does he show up in this relationship? What does he contribute?

His goofy personality. Okay. Oh. But like what about day-to-day stuff? How does he take care of you? That's crazy. Sorry. I don't know why that's a hard answer for me, like question for me to answer, but I mean, I'm big on quality time and we have our, we eat and watch a show together and that beats my soul, I guess, a little bit.

Okay. That is a little bit. That is nice. Uh-huh. But it shouldn't be that hard answer. That's, yeah. And again, it sounds like he's just not like showing up for like the mundane, annoying things of life and the responsibilities of just being an adult. And he's have, and he has a girlfriend to honestly kind of take care of him in a way that like you don't,

it's clear how you take care of him. It's unclear how he takes care of you. And it's, it's not equal. And that's probably the thing that you are struggling with the most because like there's tangible answers. It's very easy. few to answer. I do literally his laundry. I pay his bills. I make him food. I make sure, like very motherly type of qualities. Yeah. It'd be very easy for me to be like, I do a lot of this. Natalie does this, you know, kind of comes out in the wash, but we're both doing things in a lot of ways that like we share a lot of the responsibilities. I don't know if it's like, you know, totally, you know, but it's as easy for us to both answer those questions and we're not keeping

score. And it's very difficult for you to answer those questions. answer those questions. It's also easy for him to explain to him what he needs from a relationship. And it's also easy for him to say things like, well, just don't do that. Which is like, no one, neither of you are really expecting that to be an option. I did want to like jump in and add one thing too that I meant to mention earlier. When in the discussion, when I've complained about it being too much to handle for my, like doing all the things I'm doing, he's like, you know, do I need to find a different job? And I'm like, well, no, I don't want you to do that. But that's, has been something he's presented, but then I feel bad. Like, I don't want you to do that. And we also

need the money that you're bringing in. Well, again, let me ask you this. Like, do you think he is so busy with work and everything else that he's just, as much as he wants to doesn't have the bandwidth to do some of the things that you are picking up the slack? Or is it just kind of like, kind of an excuse? I'm really busy. You know, I'm going to. Yeah. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I think he is and he says that like the job that he has is going to even out eventually because you know like I was saying early he only has one day off and I feel like it's cool to expect him to have to do things on that like day off like he should be able to have the one day to enjoy because all these other days is he working up going to work coming back work but is he

working like 18 hours a day six days a week no not every day I mean he wakes up at six o'clock and sometimes he'll get home by six other times he gets home at eight or nine it just kind of depends on the day. Okay, but he's working 12-hour days on average, sounds like. Yeah. Okay. Six days a week. Yeah. And so like I technically, when you're looking at it, like, I do have more time off. So is this me, like, just needing to support us until he's, he's done? But then I'm like when he's leveled out and he can provide more time, like maybe this is the rough patch and it will be better on the other side. Your biggest challenge is, again, you're playing house, right? And you're like, again, a lot of what you're to.

describing could potentially be very normal. He is working a lot, right? I mean, like six days a week, 12 hour days, that's a lot. And I get it. You're like, you know, and it makes a lot of sense that he would want to just be chill the fuck out and it's one day off. And when he gets home and he still even has maybe some other work to, you know, that's a lot to like want to do laundry. I get all that. And it sounds like despite all your frustrations, you do have some more free time than him. And like you have pointed out, it's just like, well, I need to eat. So like, you know, and I need to do my laundry and I'm paying the bills anyways. So like if this makes his life easier,

but like you don't have the commitment, right? You don't know if you guys are going to get married. You don't even know if you want to marry him. But in the middle of figuring out what you want to do with him in this relationship, you are playing house. You are acting like a married couple. So you are struggling with the normal expectations that like, and questions that married couples constantly face is like,

how do you guys share in the responsibility? but what the married couples have, at least hopefully, many of which that you definitely don't, is the security that you guys are in it for the long haul and you know that this is the person you want to be with. You have seen them show up in ways where they've been less busy, so you know that they are willing and capable of like doing their part. But right now it might feel a little unequal. But like again, like there's a plan, there's a we. Right. And so you think he's working hard in hopes that he can take care of you. But like, you don't really know for sure because you're, you're not married and you're not engaged and you're not naive to know that like,

you know, you're banking on the idea of something. And I think that's where you're like, a lot of people are in your shoes these days because, and, you know, like the way we've kind of gone about moving forward a relationship, add to the fact that he's already been married. And so like, in a lot of ways, he's got his cake and eat it too. He has some, some phone, someone. who is playing the role of a traditional housewife, whether he meant to find that or not, whether that was intentional of him. Without the, you know, he can make promises to you.

He can talk about his plans, but like, you know, marriage is literally a contract. And there's some accountability there, you know. And now he, you know, he could literally just show up on Saturday and be like, I don't want to do this anymore. And that would be awkward and painful and a hassle and someone would have to move. And, but it would be a hell of a lot easier than,

a divorce. And he certainly knows the difference between what he has now and versus what he had before with a marriage contract. What you are experiencing right now, if for no other, you know, is this kind of the consequences of playing house in a situation where you're also like, you're 22. You're investing in yourself. You don't have like, you're not like you can. Maybe you will. I don't know. But at 22 years old is old right now, you are investing yourself and rightfully so. At 20, 22 years old, the life you've chosen doesn't really line up with the life you, you know, are exploring. Yeah. That all makes sense?

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how it's helpful. I probably raise more questions than answers. Yeah. No, I think you are being helpful. I think it really is, is like, do I believe after he settles with work, if he's really going to put in the effort that I'm wanting him to put in? And I don't like if you would even call it,

effort, like we've been saying, it's kind of at minimum. And that's the thing that I am worried about, because in the past, he has showed up a little bit. And my fear is getting married and having children and him not changing and being stuck in a relationship like my parents are stuck in. And so that's like, I am really wanting to, like, bite the bullet and be like, look, if we can't figure this out and make, just do it, then maybe we need part ways.

But there's also, I'm in another state. So moving back home would be pin the ass. And that's how people get trapped in relationships. So I just, it's a bit a lot there. Do you have to move back home if you guys broke up? Well, I have nobody here. So it's a messy situation. Why is it messy?

Well, because I'm in school right now. And, I mean, I just started. It's only two classes. And his parents live in the state. And I don't have anyone else. I'm like, do I just stay? here alone and go be with somebody else, but I can't afford paying, like, rent all alone and just the stress of, like, if we do break up, how the hell is that going to work out? And we have a

lease together. And it's just the complications of that. But also, I love him. And I don't know if I want to break up with him, but also at the same time, like, if he can't get his shit together, then maybe we'll have to. Your life would, it would be different. Your apartment might be smaller. You might have less things. But all I'm saying is, if you really, if you were determined to not move back home, I bet you could do it. Yeah, probably. It might be a little harder and things might change, but I bet you could do it. You have options.

It just, there might be some tough choices, but you do have options. If he's the only person you know right now in the city and you live, that's, well, with nothing else, you need to make some friends. Because in a relationship or not, you're only 22 years old, you know, like. I am working on that. And I think through my schooling, I have like a little, like a little friend. acquaintance friend. We're working on hanging out and stuff. And so I do have people I get along with. I just haven't actively hung out with anyone here outside of his family. So I guess in some ways I'm

isolated. Yeah. So, you know, I would, while you're figuring him out, and you don't really, it doesn't sound like you're ready to make a decision. That's okay. But in the meantime, I think we've unpacked some like things that you, you know, I think you just need to take advantage of this period in which he's really busy. I think you need to maybe just, yeah, feel a little less, like, your world, right? I don't think, and also it's not like, maybe some days you don't have time to do his laundry. And you could just, I wouldn't do it on spite,

but I don't know. Maybe if the option is go out and make some friends or do his laundry, I would go out and make some friends and say, I didn't have time to do your laundry today. But he has my car, so I can't go anywhere. Why is he using your car? Because he works further away, and it's like, okay, Uber, take a bus, and that was just a hassle.

And it cheaper and easier for him. to take my car. Can you get a car? Oh, well, he had a car at one point and then an accent happened and all that stuff. So he just hasn't had the means to be able to afford a car. He's not great with money. Hence why he sends it to me. So like he, in fact, his check is garnish because he had to take a loan out a while ago and never paid it back. So maybe not the most responsible individual I'm dating, but that matters. If you feel like you're, you're, you have to take care of them. And again, I think the, it seemed like I struck a nerve when I asked you, how is he take care of you? I think that's something you should pay attention to.

Because, like, it's clear that you're taking care of him. And you're wondering if he has the capability of taking care of you. And I don't think you have an answer to that question. And I think that's the thing you should focus on the most. And I think you should be very clear. He's clear with you how he wants to be taken care of. You have the right to be equally as clear. You have demonstrated your ability to meet his needs.

he hasn't demonstrated his ability to meet yours. And I think he's made me think that what he's doing is enough because he's working and he's able to give me money that that's enough. And I do you think you're right now. He's, he's, he's, he's, well, true. He isn't, he's paying the bills. He's helping me pay bills. He's doing his part.

No, he's, no, he's not even doing his part. He's doing, he's giving you the money, but you're doing, you're handling all the finances, which is a lot of work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think what really what I've gotten out of this is I just need to have a conversation point blank laid it out for him. So there's no under no misunderstandings. And every obstacle he has like he doesn't have a car. He had to garnish his wages, blah, blah, blah.

You are you are finding ways. Again, how do you take care of him? I let him use my car. So much so that I'm stranded. There are things during the day that it would be nice to have a car. But he gets the car because he works further away. Like that's another. You know, like how many more examples do you have of sacrifices you're making from him?

And yes, he is working, he's working hard for himself too. The only thing you have is the idea in the hope that part of this effort in a career that he's investing in is that you will reap some benefits someday. But right now, that's just a dream. And in the meantime, you are every day waking up and literally doing things for him and making sacrifices for him. Yeah. And that, you know, it doesn't feel equal. And that's the part that you're probably struggling with. So he needs to grow up.

Definitely. You know, he needs to get better at money. Or you just have to get better at telling him, like, I, listen, I need my car. I mean, you know. Yeah. Yeah, that's a choice. That's an option. I just try.

Listen, it sounds like overall he's really good at and comfortable telling you what he needs and expecting you to accommodate. and he's really good at pushing back on your request to accommodate yourself. Yeah. Yeah, I would say that's accurate. And that is not sustainable. Yeah. So you need to communicate that and then stop and stop doing the thing that you're doing

that's causing him to take advantage of the thing that you're doing. Yeah. And not feel bad. I agree. Luckily, I have therapy later today and she can help me figure out how to do that too. There you go. We'll work it out. Yeah.

Yeah. But I can do that. Thank you. You're only 22. Just remember that. You have a lot, you know, you have a lot in front of you. I know you care about him, but like, he might not be your guy. And yeah, there's a good chance he's not going to change.

You know. Yeah. The bad with money, yes, it's a red flag. Well, I think a part of the loan was also to gamble with. He had a gambling problem at one point. That kind of, like, wasn't great. Those guys tend not to get much better. My sister was engaged.

A guy like that one. ones. Oh, geez. See, it's like he does have, like, he has an issue, like, he latches onto things in addictive ways. And also, like, here's another thing is when he broke up with his ex-wife, he was with his mom for two years and she took care of him, did everything. And so I don't think he knows how to take care of himself. Yeah, yeah, I mean, that was, that was context he left out that really matters. I mean, this, yeah, he's a, he was raised. He's a bit of a boy. Yeah. And you're, You are taking care of him in a way that he is not taking care of you. You needed to quickly change that.

I think, and you're making a lot of excuses for him. And my guess is, I don't doubt he's busy. My guess is, I doubt he's busier than me. Probably not. You know? Yeah. And I feel pretty confident in how I take care of my people. Yeah.

Yeah. And see, I mean, you have a family and you're taking care of him. And we got a puppy like a year or so ago. And I trained her and I did everything. And I asked him to help with the training. And he was playing video games and did it. He took her outside to go to the bathroom and made sure she didn't chew on things. But that was kind of it.

And so I kind of get worried about if we have kids. Is he going to be able to step up? That's fair. Just need to have a conversation. Yeah. He can't, I mean, he's not taking care of himself. Like, you know, I hate laundry. but when I was by my, you know, my mom did not take care of me in between girlfriends.

That's for sure. Yeah, that blew my mind. That's the thing that he's, that he's brought up before, like, when I was complaining about the whole laundry thing and he suggested, like, look, I'll just do my own laundry. Like, how do you think I survived before I met you? Oh, your mom was doing all that. But I guess, like, and I should have learned before we moved in together, I was seeing, like, he would have house of clothes. And he, I don't know, just didn't really take care of himself. I was like, oh, whatever.

I didn't think it was a problem. But yeah, now I'm doing it. But anyways. The good news is you got a lot going for you on your own. Yeah. Yeah. True. And I would lean into the like the realization that you're kind of enjoying your alone time here.

And outside of maybe having to get a different apartment. Mm-hmm. That and downsizing a little bit. Or maybe, I don't know, or maybe you can find a little extra money. I don't know. What's the, how much, how much is your, can I ask how much your rent is? Oh, our rent is like, I want to say, about like 13,000, but that's like the base rent, I think. A month? And on top of the utilities. Yeah, 13,000. No, no, no, no, 16,000, sorry. No, oh my God, I can't do math.

It's 600 or so dollars plus 700 so dollars for just the rent. Okay, 1300. Okay. Okay. Yes. That's different. I'm like, damn girl, you're living in a, You're living in a $3 million house. Sorry. I'm bad with numbers. Okay, so $1,300. Okay, that's reasonable, right? Like, what are you spending $600 on a month that you don't need?

Well, car insurance. You don't need. You need car insurance. Yeah, no, okay. Yeah, sorry. Fast food, I'd say, I mean, I really don't, I feel like shitty buying things. I just went 13 because I feel bad buying stuff at Walmart. Like, I don't buy stuff for myself.

I buy food and groceries. Okay. Fast food. And that's the thing we don't need. And I'm trying to work on. But I feel like in some ways he holds me back in that sense. $1,300 is a pretty decent rent. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. And I just wonder if maybe you could find, I just wonder if you could find his half somehow, some way. Maybe it's a side hustle. Maybe it's like, I don't know, maybe the time that you wouldn't have to do his laundry, cook him food, you can get a part-time job. I don't know. I'm just simply saying all the things that you're afraid of, you would have access to your car again. if ultimately you decide you don't want to be with him, you would be an independent person who is investing in herself and going to school. You would have certainly more free time because, you know, listen, relationships take time and sacrifice.

You can maybe use that free time as a young 22-year-old with her whole life in front of her to get a job that covers like the rent so that you can keep the apartment that you have and do your thing. You know, you have options. You don't have to like move home if that's not what's something you don't want to do. and then you can invest, you know, and then the other free time, it's like I'm going to go out and meet some friends. See where it goes. Very true. And I already have people in mind that I could probably lean on too in that sort.

So if it happens, if I end up leaving him, I do know realistically like I will be supported and a lot of different ankles. I just think, yeah. I think you just need to be clear to him that like he's just not doing his part. And it's not about him. You recognize that he's busy and you appreciate. I appreciate all, he is working hard. You acknowledge that and appreciate that.

But your mom took care of you. Like you don't either you don't take care of yourself or you really count on other people like your parents as a 27 year old to take care of you. And, you know, that's, I want someone, I need to be in relationship with someone who's good at taking care of me. And I don't have to beg. And I don't have to like, and you don't. And I do. And I'm not like going to keep waiting for change because like there's a lot of

busy people who like still find the time to take care of their people he's using his busy as an excuse to not like make you feel loved or you know he's cheering you on that's nice you know I'm glad he I'm glad you feels like supported I guess yeah yeah I see what you're saying you know yeah yeah I feel like I I understand what I need to do and what things I need to about now so okay well keep us posted see how you feel at the end of this week you know it might be it might be a good barometer and you can just be honest like honestly i had an easier week with you oh but if i tell him hey i didn't really miss you he's gonna like feel bad i just care about his feelings too much and i think i just need to start caring about mine so does his mom

yeah yeah that's i mean it's kind listen he needs to grow up it's kind of an egg and he can and I don't think he wants to be the boy who, without a woman in his life, including his mom, he's kind of, he's kind of giving, he's still in college. He hasn't grown up and he does, he's not responsible to fact that like, if you stop paying his bills, would he even know how to, would he even know what to do? If you like, I think so. Does he know how his rent gets paid? Yeah, yeah, he's aware.

Yeah, I mean, he knows how to do it. I just, I took it on because he's not good with money. So. But would he do it? Like if I asked him to? No. Or if he was just alone. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He would. Okay. I mean, I feel like he'd have no choice. Like, he'd have to. Well, he had a choice.

He got a loan and didn't pay it back. He was supposed to. He chose not to. People choose not to pay the rent all the time. Or they forget or whatever. You know. Yeah. No point.

But, I mean, I think, I think this is a little different. I think he would. would. Okay. Well, listen, you have a lot to think about, you have a lot of options. That's the thing I want you to know. And yeah, I would, he's definitely demonstrating some pretty big red flags of things that if I were you, I would be very, very reluctant to invest in long term without any actual examples of change. Yeah. I definitely would not, I would definitely not invest in him long term with only hope to go on. Yeah, I think that's another thing Is like, okay, am I loving him the way he is right now Or am I loving the idea of the future?

And I think right now it's kind of the idea of the future. It seems like a nice boy who cares about you and that's nice But you need a marriage needs more than that And so is like a family. Definitely. All right, all right, well, good luck. All right, well, thank you. All right, thanks, bye-bye.

Bye.