The Viall Files - E1176 - He Cheated On Our Wedding Night | Ask Nick

Episode Date: August 24, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition! Our first caller wonders how to date normally after her husband called off their wedding. Our second caller juggles complicated wedding decisions with her two best friends. Our third caller asks how to trust again after discovering her husband's two year affair on their wedding night. Subscribe for more dating advice, relationship drama, and unfiltered Ask Nick calls every week. "Do you want it to be special or do you want it to be easy?" Nick is on Substack! Subscribe here: https://nickviall.substack.com/subscribe  ARE YOU A MESS BECAUSE OF YOUR SITUATIONSHIP? OR JUST IN GENERAL? Email [e-mail] with all your relationship questions and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes! Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content featuring updates from your favorite callers? Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + HERE: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter  To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Ladder: Head to https://ladder.fit/viall to get a free 7-day trial with NO credit card, and $10 off your first month if you join. Quince: Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers, or go to https://quince.com/viall for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Quo: Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://quo.com/viall.  **To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @baybaeee

Two of my childhood friends just got engaged, and they both made some wedding decisions that really hurt me. Tell me about them. A couple weeks after she got engaged, she sent me a date. I will not be available for that date because I am planning my honeymoon. I'm assuming she's mad at you? Her mom said, oh, well, if she was a good friend, she would change plants. And so after you talked to her, she was just like, I guess you're just not a good friend? Okay, well...

Good. Good. My name is Catherine. I am 29. And my question is, how do I date normally after my ex-husband called off our wedding? Okay. So you were married? Yes. So he called off the ceremony? So a little bit of backstory. We got married in 2021. It was very quick after we started dating. And then we, you know, history throughout. that and then in we planned a whole wedding in 2023 two days before the wedding he called it off he just I mean what a what a dumb dumb that me oh well you guys really you guys really did it backwards i don't you know just a bit just a bit because you officially got married correct so like like legally

you were married legally we got married in 2021 yeah we did like a small courthouse wedding so you would to get divorced, you need or needed lawyers, yeah? Actually, no. So in the state that I live in, it's just sign a piece of paper as long as there's no, like, financial, nothing, sign of paper. So he called off a meaningless ceremony. No offense. I mean, but like in theory, but he obviously spent all the, like, why not just throw the party? That's my question.

Did you at least have the, seriously, that was your question? I mean, like, I'm kind of joking, but okay, all right, we're on the same page. That's wild. All right. Well, what do you want to talk about more? Like processing, like the fact that he called it off, is that still bothering you? And what do you mean by dating normally and like to what degree is how your ex-husband ended the relationship affecting you? Yeah, I would say I think I have like a lot of trust issues when it comes to dating now.

I feel like I can't fully like dive into relationships because I feel like something is going to like get upended from me in the long run. Yeah, also processing the divorce. It's a little tricky. Well, where did things, where do things go wrong? I mean, we stay. So, I mean, he called off the wedding, the big ceremony, the big, you know, wedding two days before the wedding. And we actually stayed together because we were technically married for another seven months. Um, actually a little bit longer.

Well, when you say you stayed together, like you had a relationship or you were, you're like, well, you know, I got nowhere to go. So I guess, you know, and we're technically married, but like, were you, were you guys actively trying to be a couple? Yeah. So again, we got like legally married in 2021. There was reasons behind it. Um, my reasons seemed a little bit different than his.

Are you comfortable sharing those reasons? Yeah. Yeah, so he really wanted to have a family, and I also wanted to have a family. His timeline was a lot quicker than mine because he needed a green card. So he is not from the country. He didn't divulge that that's the reason. It's just something I'm assuming, so we can say that's an assumption. What do you mean that's an assumption?

What do you mean? So he was previously married even before me. and his ex-wife before me was who signed his green card paperwork. So that is who he had the green card from. When they separated, they didn't legally get divorced at first. And then when we met and started dating, I said I needed him to be divorced before I could fully dive in. They got divorced very quickly after that.

He wanted to talk about kids. And I think for me, that was like a way to, try and keep him here in the country. What do you mean for you? Like in my head, I think him wanting to have kids that quickly after getting divorced and us not talking about it beforehand was more like, okay, if I have a kid here, it's going to be harder for me to have to leave. Because his green card, he was going to have to re-sign his green card.

So I get them curious because I don't know anything about this stuff, but like how familiar and how aware were you with like, I guess, his immigration status, right? like I guess is that what how you would call it? Like was he being crazy? A tad bit from what I found out later on like after we got divorced, I reached out to his ex-wife because things just were not adding up. And the story I got when we originally got together was not correct. Well, according to her.

So he was definitely being quite shady. He, you know, wasn't telling anybody the truth. He wasn't telling her the truth at the time. He wasn't telling me the truth. So from what I know, they were, they had signed, like, gotten married just because he needed to stay in the country. He had done it as like a kind gesture. And they were together beforehand. What do you mean?

What do you mean he did it kind of as a kind gesture? So she did it. So they were, yeah. So they were like, they were in a relationship, but things started to get platonic. But they were so wrapped up and his student visa was ending. So they stayed together, got married for the paperwork is what he told me. And then when they separated, they didn't. So when you first started dating, he was up front that he got married to this person

because he was looking for some security in terms of his ability to stay in the States. Somewhat, yes. What do you mean somewhat? What do you mean somewhat? So like he said that he had like friendship feelings and love towards this person, but not romantic feelings. anymore. But that's semantics. I'm just saying was he up front that he was like that part of the conversation between

him and this person wasn't just about love, but is about. Yes. He was up front of him. Yeah. Okay. For sure. Yeah. He said she didn't want him to leave either.

So, you know, yeah. Yeah. That's, I'm just curious if he was up front with that part because that's a big, that's a big part. Yeah. So then they, you started dating. Mm-hmm. He, you were like,

I don't want to date a married man and if, you know, like, take care of your shit. He took care of it. And then what were the conversations you two had that caused you guys to get married? Yeah. So he really wanted to have kids. And I grew up in a traditional household where, like, you don't have kids unless you're married. And I had just said, like, I don't want to have kids with someone I'm not married to. And then that's when the conversations really started to turn into marriage.

And in my eyes, we got married way too quick. How old is he? He is 36, 37 now. Okay. So he was 31 at the time. 31 when you got married? How old was me when he first got married? They were married for like two, three years.

So late 20s. Okay. So he said, he's like, I want to have kids. You're like, well, I guess we need to be married. Yeah. So then he got married. And then how, how, how interested was he in having kids after you guys got married? Like right away.

Like, wanted kids right away. You guys, you actually tried. Did you, do you have kids together? No. No, no, no. Divorce wouldn't have been that easy if we did. What do you, what do you mean? He said right away.

And then I asked if you tried and you're like, yeah, not really. So I was still on birth control at the time. Okay. And I did not wean myself off of it like he wanted me to. So that was a really big fight between us. Okay. So you weren't ready. He was.

Yeah. And like we financially were not ready. So then why rush for the marriage? That's a great question. Honestly, I think I was in a very different emotional state. I've had to do a lot of work on myself. And previously I had gone from relationship to a relationship. So I think at that point, like self-reflection, I really just was like, I'm trying to keep this relationship.

And this seems like the only way he's going to stay. So, yeah. So that's kind of why I went into it. I loved him. I definitely cared about him. And I was, you know, worried to an extent that he was, you know, going to up and leave. What do you mean? Because he would always talk about going back to where he was from. So he would always talk about, well, you know, like, I might just have to go back. And we had chatted about, like, potentially living there at some point. But he always talked about like going back and things like that. And things never really. felt final or like safe. So at what point? What is he like? I might have to go back. Again, I thought the whole point of getting married, well, the point of getting married is to have kids, I guess. So yeah, the thing. So he was just never really up front with like what he wanted. He always said he wanted to eventually go back to where he was from. But then his actions don't really match that because where he's at now makes no sense. He always, to me, his end goal was to go

back to where he was from, including me in that picture. But now he's living in a different state with, you know, a whole family. What do you mean a whole family? So how I found out we got divorced is he was cheating on me and now has a child with her. Okay. So yeah. What's his vert? What's what do you think his truth is? Truth about what? Like what do you think his truth is in terms of why? Like do you think is it like, oh, I wanted to have kids with you. You then, we got married, then you never really wanted to have kids, and then he met someone who did and he had a kid with her? Is that his truth? I think that would probably be his truth if you asked him.

And when you found out, were you, were you like in the honeymoon vase and everything was going great and caught off guard, or would it happen? Were you, I mean, obviously, it's hurtful and shocking to find that out, but like, when you look back at the relationship, how was the relationship at the time? So, like, when I found out what he, like, that he was cheating. Yeah. Yeah. So that actually happened. So we got legally married in 2021. The wedding that the big wedding we had planned with everybody involved was supposed to happen in 2023.

It got called off. And then we stayed together because we were legally married. And I had said, I care about you. I want to fight for this. We stayed together until. What was his reasons for calling it off? Which again, is just at that point a really expensive party. Yeah. So his reason for calling it off was he just was like, I just can't go through with it. I can't say my bowels to you. I can't do this in front of everyone. And it was two days before. It was during our bachelor and bachelorette party, two days before the wedding. Everything was paid for. Family was here. Like, everybody was here. And he just, you know, we got into a fight at our bachelor and bachelorette party. He went home that night to our house and moved all of his stuff out and left. And then. And left. Okay. Literally, he brought all of his groomsmen into my home. They moved all of his furniture, all of his stuff into, like, a hotel room that they were all staying in. I had no clue. I came home the next day.

All the stuff was gone. What part of that was like, I want to fight for this? For me? Yeah. I think it was because I had entangled my life. And like he was my life. Like, we had a dog together. We had our apartment together.

We had plans to, you know, move to a different city. like a month after the wedding. And I was very like, I married you. It's not just a break, like a breakup. I want to fight for my marriage because marriage to me means a lot. And so even after all that, I still wanted to fight for it with him. And what was like what was his attitude towards that? At first he wasn't like.

So when he called it off, he was like, I'm moving back to my country. I'm going home. And then I think he realized it wasn't going to be. as easy as he thought it was. Like he did have like a secure life here. Like he had a job here. He had, you know, like me. But like he had like a life that wasn't going to involve living with his parents in a

small town from where he was from. And so, you know, like wedding got called off the day of the day before the rehearsal. It was supposed to be the rehearsal dinner. And probably about six hours after talking, he was like, I actually want to stay. I want to figure this out. And so we agreed. and we continued living together, like everybody after the wedding, everybody went home. And we just stayed living together, moved to this new city, and then, you know, signed a lease there,

stayed there for seven months, re-signed a lease, and then he got a new job and met this new girl. And then that's when everything fell apart. Did you move for him, or did you move for you? We moved for me. I had gotten a job offer, and it was something we discussed, and he encouraged me to take because it was going to, it was going to be with a company that would get me to his, where he was from. Okay. Anything else?

Not really. I feel like. Okay. And I guess how do you, like now that this is all happened when you look back on this relationship, like how do you, I'm assuming you see it differently now, like certain situations and certain fights and certain agreements. Yeah. I mean, everything kind of, now looking back on it, there are so many things that I'm like, That was just such a red flag. Like, this didn't make sense.

This didn't make sense. Like, that was immediately why I reached out to his ex-wife, because then we had very similar stories. So none of it really kind of came together. So now that I look back on it, the one thing I'm grateful for is he didn't let me walk down the aisle, like in that setting because that's super important to me. I still have that moment.

But ultimately, it just really, I can't, to me, I just struggle with the fact that I trusted somebody, and gave them my all, and they were able to just pull the rug out from under me so drastically. Sure, yeah. I mean, which obviously sucks, but the good news is, looking back, I mean, obviously it doesn't change what happened, and that's, I'm sure you have a lot of different feelings about it. But I think you can explain it now, right, in a way, like, it understand it. You know, because, like, right, your question is, like, how do I date?

now, you know, this happened to me and how can I trust, you know, type of thing, where it sounds like, I mean, from the moment you started dating, I mean, you've, you know, obviously the idea of getting married for, you know, status or green card, obviously you're, I'm sure you were fully aware of the potential red flags. So, I mean, I guess when you're dating, what are you struggling with? Like, what comes up? I feel like when I first started, I took a really, you know, long time after I took like probably about almost a year to like fully dive into anything like I wasn't on dating apps I was just like really trying to live my life um and figure out me and then when I did start dating I felt like I fell back into that like I need a relationship but then I

couldn't fully trust again and so like I had like a situation ship who like completely wrecked me and then that took a while to get over why did that wreck you I think it was just because, like, he was the first guy after my divorce that I was like, oh, I could see a potential with. I had gone on like a few first dates and they were all just like not great. And then I had gone with this guy and, you know, we started seeing each other more frequently and then we were kind of almost playing house. And I think that's where I struggle with is I feel like I know being married, but I don't know how to date if that makes sense. Like I know how to play house with someone. I know how to be in that married life. But I don't,

know how to just like date normally okay well i mean it probably start like so and how are you playing house but it was a situation ship well like we would see each other every other day every day he stayed at my house i stayed at his house like we just like we were just in it with each other that was it like his parents knew about me i knew about his parents like things like that did you ever try to like define the relationship yes and then that's when everything went south that's when he like pulled it out and was like, no. He's like, I'm not ready for this. And then, yeah, we stopped talking.

We talked again a little bit a few months later and then completely ghosted me. And then that was, we haven't spoken since. Okay. How long ago was that? That was almost a year ago. The last time we talked was last September. What do you think you're doing wrong? I feel like I'm getting attached very quickly to an extent, but like not trusting at the same

time. I don't know how to really describe that. Not what? Not like trusting the person at the same time. Okay. Well, you can get attached to not trust someone. But it sounds like you're, you know, the playing house part. Yeah. You know, I think a lot of people do it to feel some kind of security that they don't normal, like they don't, like they, you know, there's people who are like, feel insecure about their relationship or their connection with their partner and they think a kid will fix it. So they have a kid, you know, it's just like, or they move in together or, you know, and things like that. or they play house. So like it seems like when you get attached to someone, you're not, you're not like listening.

You're not, I mean, it sounds like you just like you need to slow down and kind of, like, be more honest with yourself about what, what's going on in these relationships. And rather than like ignore whatever, it sounds like throughout these relationships, there have been moments where if you asked yourself, how do I feel about my connection with my partner and do I feel secure in this connection? Do I feel safe in this connection? It sounds like if you are honest with yourself about both your marriage and the situation ship, the answer probably would have been like, not so much. And it sounds like your response to that was to not necessarily deal with the truth, but rather, you know, find some kind of alternative to

honestly kind of, you know, get them to be with you regardless of how the connection was. Yeah. I mean, like that pretty much sums it up. Okay. All right. Yeah. It sounds like you have a more difficult time trusting yourself than trusting these people. Probably.

Because, I mean, listen, like, you know, right. I mean, like, it's dating and relationships is tricky. It's hard to trust people in general. Obviously, people lie. You cannot predict the future and you cannot prevent your. yourself from meeting people who might lie to you. And honestly, even the best relationships, couples sometimes like, you know, slip up or fib or, or, you know, lie, you know, and they might have to deal with that. But you're, you're, you're kind of avoiding the, like, you're avoiding

reality and kind of avoiding the tough conversations for like this short-term feeling. So, like, when you date, I mean, you know, like, it's okay to like someone. Like, you know, the point of dating is to get a, to eventually, you know, you have a few bad dates. Step one, I think you need to accept that you're not necessarily accepting is that you're going to go on dates and not like a lot of people. And that's dating. And you're doing, I think, what a lot of people do, which is understandable and normal, is to see that as failure or feel like rejection or like, oh, there's no good options.

Like, you go on 10 dates, you don't like any of the guys. And you're just like, well, you just met 10. guys you know you met 10 people in the world and you know that makes people feel a little anxious about like i'm not going to like anyone and then you like someone for the first time in a while which is great it's great that you like someone but you're you're it sounds like you are interpreting a connection or a spark or just an excitement with as if if that's the only measurable and then once you feel that you're you you just kind of decide that you're all in, you know, where that's having that spark or that immediate

connections is kind of step one of a hundred other steps in terms of building that trust, right? Like, it sounds like you're willing to give people your trust without knowing them and building a connection. And you kind of, you know, listen, trust is a choice. I'm a big believer in that. Like, you do, you, you, you know, you give someone your trust, but you can give some your trust and still acknowledge.

that they haven't necessarily earned your trust, right? Does that make sense? Right. So you can, you know, there's, so you can, you know, choose to trust until someone, you know, violates that trust. And, you know, that doesn't mean like every, every question or every action they do. You're like, I don't know, like, are you lying and things like that, you know. But like that kind of letting go and, and just like, again, like, it's, it sounds like you're

pretty intentional with a lot of things. If I say I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it. You know? 100%. Yeah. Which is a great quality to have. You know, like a lot of people don't have that quality. But that skill set that you have, you kind of used it in a unproductive way that's gotten

you in a pickle in some of the cases. Just out of curiosity, what's the story in your head and like what's the story you tell potential daters about like what happened with this guy? Yeah, that takes a while. So I'm, it's only like when I, so the situation ship knew like the story. I just saw him that, you know, like I was married at one point. I don't get into nitty gritty details about like he called off the wedding, like the wedding in my head.

But then when they asked like what happened, I'm just saying like, you know, he found somebody else, decided that that was the path he wanted to go while we were still together so you know and now they have a kid so why why not a more shorter version of like i kind of kind of got conned you know i got i got yeah i mean i was technically married but i you know uh he used me for a green card and i got i got duped yeah why do they why do why do why do these people need to know his current relationship status that's true that's a good point you know like it's like you're you're offering this story that, and again, people, you don't know how these men are receiving this information.

Right. But you're setting yourself up for potentially, you're telling the story that you were not good enough for someone and someone else was better for them. And they like trade it up, so to speak. And I'm sure that there's times where you feel that way, but I don't know how true that is. You don't even know how true that is.

For all you know, she's this other woman is his next victim. I mean, he got what he wanted. He's got a kid. and good for him, but like, I, people don't change. And the fact that you could talk to his ex and she could be like, yeah, that sounds, sounds a lot like the guy I was married to. I think it's, and again, it doesn't really matter what the truth is, but for your own sanity, I don't, you know, you're telling yourself a story and then telling that story to potential

daters that's probably embellished and makes you feel worse than you probably should. and then maybe paints a picture of inadequacy to these potential men where, I mean, you got victim. I got duped, you know? Yeah. I've never thought about it that way. So, yeah, I mean, much easier to say it. Yeah.

I mean, and if they want to, you know, and again, if they're, you know, if you meet someone in a relationship blossoms and grows and you build a connection, chances are they might ask more questions. And you know, like, yeah, it was a whole thing. and actually there was, you know, we got married, but again, courthouse, I was, you know, I was, you know, I was, I was, you know, I was, I was, I was in love. You know, I liked him. I, I trusted this guy and, you know, I won't, you know, you can, you share with me. Eventually, if someone asks, you can share these details, like long after you've probably, you know, you feel safe and, and, and you feel like the person's just trying to get to know you better. Yeah. None of this information, I think, is necessary to share early on, especially. Yeah. without them asking. But yeah, like your story is, I don't think it's, yeah, I don't think it's very accurate. Yeah, it's a, it's a, it's a story.

I mean, yeah, I haven't really told many, like, of my, I don't like offer it on my first date for sure. And I think I've only told two, like, guys that I've, you know, thought could be potential. The actual story or the fact that I am divorced, it's on my social media. But other than that, most people... What do you mean it's on your social media? I just, like, posted, like, a year that I got divorced, like, 2024. I posted, like, a highlight reel, like, as a post. And I just, like, did a little snapshot of, like, this year brought a lot of stuff.

And divorce was one of those things. You should delete that. I should delete it. I mean, unless... Is it important to you? I think it was at the time. Yeah, that makes sense. I think it was at the time.

You know? Because I was really, we, when we got, did our courthouse wedding, we didn't tell really anybody about it. And it took a really long time to tell people like the full story behind everything. When you, when you look back when you made that video and you posted it, how much looking back now do you feel like it was wanting people to know the truth about him? Mm-hmm. Was that some motivation there? Yeah, definitely. Okay.

Yeah. So like, now it's a little different. Yeah. And did you get what you wanted when you posted that? Not like not really what I thought. No, I got a lot of like so proud of views, but I'm like, okay, it didn't really feel what I was looking for. Not necessarily, but.

It's like you're making your own scarlet letter, so to speak. You know, it's like you're not. I want to be clear, but you are painting this picture online that you're damaged goods. That's good point. And you're just like offering it to the world, you know. Yeah. You mean a guy on the apps or out in the bars or wherever and, you know, everyone now kind of goes and stocks people to social medias. And you're allowing people to like stock yours and come up with their own narrative about something that happened a couple years ago.

And yeah, it's pretty heavy. And I don't know why you're offering that information to the world. Yeah. I mean, that's a good point. I think obviously when I posted it, I was in a very different like headspace as in a very like, I can overcome this. You can and you are and you did. But like again, I don't know why you have to brand yourself as like this divorce. And we do that, right?

Like sometimes these traumatic experiences really become our identity. Yeah. And they do take a lot of work obviously to heal and get over. And, you know, when we get over it, obviously we're proud of that work we did. but I don't know if that's what you want your identity or your, you know, your personal brand to be. And ultimately that's what social media is, like especially if it's a public account. It's like a personal brand. Like, why is your personal brand, divorce A?

That's a good point. I've never looked at it that way. So, yeah, I actually don't want that to be my brand. Okay. The whole idea of like a brand is silly, but like it is, you know, it's the world we unfortunately live in. So yeah, step one, I would delete that shit. And again, when it comes up organically, when it makes sense when you're meeting someone and they want to get to know you better, then you can tell that story. And that story can be told in a more authentic and accurate way because you're telling that story from the perspective of how you are today. You know, someone who's moved on a little bit who's healed. You know, I'm sure maybe you still have some healing to do or some baggage from it. But like, you can then tell that story more truthfully from your perspective. in a way that feels more honest to you now,

and then you don't have to, like, you know, let people come up with their own assumptions and opinions about, you know. But again, I think the story you have is getting your head a little inaccurate, which is, you know, I don't know. Maybe, I don't know, maybe he left you for another woman

because he wanted to have kids and maybe there's some truth that I don't know, but this clearly seems to be a guy who's very mindful of his needs and what he wants, and he seems to be willing to use people to get what he wants and needs. needs. Yeah. Yeah. And he, and he, and it was very easy for him to ask you to make some very big decisions and didn't follow through with those big decisions. And you were the second person

he did that to. Yeah. So I think it's pretty accurate to suggest that, yeah, I mean, be honest, I got, you know, a lot of people have been catfished and, and lied to and ghosted. Everyone knows what it's like to be lied to. There's to degrees, you know, not everyone has a story like yours where it's like, I really got fucked over, you know. But I think most people, can empathize and relate to know what it's like to feel played and fooled by someone. And I think that's a, I don't know, I think that's a better story than being like I, you know, I wasn't good enough and he left me for someone who was better than me. When you tell that story, it just sounds like maybe you're not over it or it's still like

weighing on you. And then again, you have this whole like, you know, going your social media. It's like, again, like, I, if it would look like, oh, damage goods. and you're not. You know, you're a human being or had some shitty things happen to you. All of us, many of us, most people, you know, like life is hard.

You know, the good thing for you. And I, you know, I'm a big, like, I think one of the best things that can happen in an adult life is something that you are like, I can't believe this happened to me. That, I think that happens to everyone at some point, you know, sometimes it happens early

in like your 20s, sometimes, which is honestly, better than when it happens in your 30s or 40s or 50s. But it happens to us all. And most people, it happens a few times. You know, I only say that is like try not to have that, again, be your personal brand and really, you know, it's like it happened. You got to move on. But I think why it's a good thing is because it really can make you more realistic about life and relationships. You know, the trick is to not let it, you know, scar you so much that you become this cynic where you can't allow yourself to meet new people and trust again.

But again, I think this has more to do with trusting yourself, being aware, like looking back not to obsess about the past, but to identify those red flags and recognize the feeling you felt when those red flags popped up and what you did to ignore those feelings. Yeah. No, that makes sense. Yeah.

And so, you know, now when you date, I would, you know, you're going to want to like, someone you're going to want to feel that crush and you're going to want to feel that excitement and you can feel feel that excitement and then something can come up where there's a red flag and it sounds like you do what so many of us have done which is like be so excited about you know hey i haven't felt the spark in a while so i got to protect the spark yeah so then i'm going to ignore things that show up after the spark happens because it's so hard to find a spark um and I'm going to ignore the red flags.

So like, you know, like stop playing house. There's that, you know. Haven't done that in a while. You are a victim of that situation, but it sounds like that victim mindset has really taken over. And it sounds like you see yourself stilt as this day as a victim, rather than someone who's survived it and better for it and ready to move forward. You know, because I don't think,

isn't it, yes, there's a lot of liars out there. And listen, I think what you don't want in life, you don't want this situation to stop you from taking big risks. I mean, I've taken some big swings in my life. Some of those big swings have led to a situation where I thought to myself, I can't believe this happened to me. I just can't. I can't. I never imagine I'd be the sucker. And then some of those big swings have turned out to be the best things that've ever happened to me.

You know? Yeah. And I think if you want something great in your life, you tend to have to take some big risks. But the biggest difference, I think, is you get older and the benefit of something like this happening to you is that when you do take risks in the future, you can be very honest about what those risks are. So that if you were going to say, all right, I'm going to do this again. And if it happens again, then you feel less like I can't, it's less of I can't believe

this happened to me or happened again. But it's like, you know, I took the risk. I knew the risk. It didn't work out. You know, I know it's easier said than done, but I do think that does help, you know, I'm sure you don't need me saying to this. you when that that, I can't believe that happened to me, situation happens. It, it takes a bit to just accept that that thing happened.

And that sometimes takes a long time. The benefit of it happening again, after you've like recognized that and it's more honest with the risk you're taking is that that, at least you shorten that period of time, if that makes sense where it's like, yeah, well, you know, you know, I guess, listen, I made the choice, you know. And then I guess as far as dating, like, yeah, I think. I think he just maybe you need to chill out a little bit when it comes to dating. You're still really young, you know?

Yeah. Sounds like you don't have a problem getting dates. It seems like it. The city I live in is not the greatest, but I feel like everybody says that. Yeah. You know. But it is a city. Yeah, I guess.

That is true. But it's not like you're not living in the sticks, right? No, no. I'm living like probably about 15 minutes out of like the major city. Okay. But there are people. Yeah. Yeah, there are people around.

Lots of people. Yeah. Not just living in the middle of nowhere. Again, like, yes, it's not the city. It's dating. Yeah. You are not supposed to like most people. Everyone's like, I want it to be special.

I want it to be unique. I want it to be this. I want it to be that. But I want it to happen tomorrow. It's like, well, which one is it? Do you want it to be special or do you want it to be easy? You know, because like usually those two things don't go hand in hand. Yeah.

Unless, like, win the lottery. Right? that's special and you just had to get lucky. So yeah, I mean, it's not the city. Like you said, every city has a bunch of people you don't like. Yeah, that's true. And so you just have to be a little patient when you do like someone and be aware of that, well, a connection is great.

It's not the end-all be-all and there's a lot more that needs to happen to really build that emotional connection where you just feel that trust. Yeah, no, definitely you need to do some more work on me and also just, yeah. Like, when you say that, what does that mean to you? Like taking your advice of like not using that as my brand, because that's definitely not the brand I want to have. And that makes way more sense. No one's ever like brought it up to me in that sense.

So that's not the brand I want people to see when they see me or when they first, you know, connect with me to some extent. So definitely like working on that. Yeah. Okay, great. Well, I mean, again, like I said, most people around your age have a story. Yeah. And they've been lied to, you know, maybe, again, it's probably a different story.

It may not be as intense. But like, you know, it's not a contest how, you know, who's the bigger victim. Right. And who's been more wronged and it's all situational. I am. But, you know, I think a more healthier approach for you is more, hey, I've lived a lot of life. I've learned a lot of lessons. I'm only 29.

I got a whole life in front of me. Yeah. Thank God I didn't have kids with this guy. And, you know, when you meet someone, don't play house. You know, meeting each other's parents does not define a relationship. It doesn't build a connection. You know, moving in together, it doesn't build the connection. Spending every night together in and of itself doesn't build a connection.

Actually connecting and like getting on the same page, having conversations about expectations. you know, of the people you date when you have these conversations about, you know, what you're looking for, what you like, that they actually follow through with it. They don't just say it and then do something different. And every step of the way, kind of ask yourself, is this person, you know, especially for you because like you have a track record of giving people your trust and then having not do what they say they're going to do and then still trusting them. And that's the part that is, honestly fairly easy to start changing you just have to be a little bit more honest with yourself and and and not be so afraid of saying hey i really liked him it had some promise but this isn't it

yeah you know because you don't want to marry as you know or end up with someone or have kids with someone that is you know just a guy that you really liked in the first couple dates. Like, you know, if you listen to the show, it's like, that's dating. It's just like so many relationships are based off how fun the first six months were, you know, and people will just keep investing in these relationships, but when they look at the actual relationship, there's not much reason to keep investing. And then, you know, and then when people like don't live up to their end of the bargain, people like in your shoes will just do more of their, you know, it's like, well, I'll do more.

If you're not. Yeah. You were willing to move for a different city. And granted, it was like they moved for you, but ultimately it sounds like it was for him because you were getting the job for him so that you could, you know, it's like, you're like, whatever I have to do to make this work.

Yeah. Yeah. No, definitely. I definitely taken a lot of time. Living on my own was like a really big adjustment. And now I really love that. I didn't love it at first. and now I'm really starting, like, really finding my groove and finding, like, my community.

That's awesome. So, yeah. And people generally are attracted to independence, you know, people who are secure with themselves, people who know how to be choosy and picky, people who know how to enforce their boundaries. And no doubt, it sounds like you project the opposite. It sounds like often when you're dating. Yeah. I feel like I can do it.

I can do it at work. I can, like, be this, like, independent. I can do it with my friends, but when it comes to dating, I tend to, yeah, go the opposite route. Well, you want people to choose you. You don't want people to choose the person you're willing to be for them, and you're doing the latter. And again, like, obviously, I'm not saying, you have to be like, well, I am who I am and you're going to love, you know, like, that's not what I'm saying. Obviously, you have to make compromises and things like that, but you're too willing to compromise without reciprocity, sounds like. Yeah.

Yeah, I would agree. Just kind of being a little bit more honest with yourself about what you're giving versus what you're receiving in a relationship. And if you think early on in a relationship, well, I feel like I'm giving a little bit more than I'm receiving, what's going to happen if I pull back? It sounds like you kind of almost have that conversation subconsciously with yourself and your solution is to, well, if I pull back, I think they might not like me as much or they might leave. or yada yada and I don't want that to happen so I won't pull back I'll just do more yeah you just like hit it right on the head that is exactly how it was okay so now you like now you know the problem and now you can do some about it yeah in a way that you know because now you know before you called it was like I don't know you know it's like I can't trust and I don't know what to do and

again it's kind of like this victim again there's a difference between you you were a victim you've been victimized, but you are not a victim. It's not your personality. It's not your brand. It doesn't define you. You're in the first third of your life. And again, part of life is to deal with shit. You know, shit happens to all of us.

And the difference between the people who survive it and make their lives better for or the people who don't, you know, have it become their personal brand. Yeah. Yeah. that's a good good point delete that shit i mean honestly like no one should know about your relationship passed by your social media yeah short of it being like i mean i don't know like you know i i still have like my my bachelor relationship on my instagram but i don't i just don't have the time to go scroll far that or far back and delete it yeah no i'll just go change the caption just

Cheers in 2024. No, just delete it. Why do you? He's not in it. It's a good, it's a good little camera roll. Who gives a shit? My 2024.

Who cares? It's in your head. It's a memory. You have the memory. You don't need, you know what's true. You don't need Instagram to have a memory. You know?

That's true. Like, it's also like triggering for you. And it reminds you of a mindset that you're trying to eliminate. You got to get to the point where that happening was the best thing that happened to you. Because it woke you up, because it made you realize that you had some work to do and that you were, that the way you

approached relationships, you had some bad habits and those bad habits got you in some bad situations. And then finally something so traumatic happened in your life that it made you go, wait, what are like i got to fix my bad habits i got to fix the way i show up in relationships i got to fix the way i do things so that i can because i can't i can't i'm never going to guarantee that i can meet someone that will never lie or hurt me or whatever but i can be more aware and more prepared and more honest and and now i can make better decisions because you know your life is just a accumulation of a million decisions and now you're in a much better place to make healthier decisions for yourself and you're in you're only 29 and that should make you feel really good

and and really excited about the possibility of what could happen in the future rather than being like this happened to me and well i got a story to tell you and uh and then when you tell that story you know they'd see a sad person on the end of the table and they're like well she's not over it yeah as opposed to like yeah that's some crazy shit i got fucking duped and like boy yeah i was boy i was I was down bad, but man, I am so fucking grateful, honestly, the way it happened because, like, if I got what I wanted then, I would not be here today and I'd rather be on this date than married to him. And people can, everyone relates to that. You know, when I, you know, granted, like when I met Natalie, I always see a lot younger than me, it gave me a lot of confidence and

security that she had her own stories. Even though she was a lot younger than me, she had her own shit she had to deal with and things she had to overcome. She lived some life. She lived a lot of life a lot faster than I did. And that was a big reason why we were able to work out because like she, she wasn't like, yeah, I don't know. I've never been in love before. Oh, what's it like?

You know, you can be my first boyfriend. I'm like, oh, shit, I don't, I can't, I can't be here for, you know. I don't, no one wants that. People aren't looking for, I mean, I don't, I don't think anyone you want to date, you know. So, you know, that way you can like tell your story in a way that's, relatable and empowering rather than

your damaged goods. Yeah. No, that was, yeah, I mean, that's not who I want to be. So thank you for that perspective. Awesome. All right. Well, good luck out there.

Go have some fun. Try to have some fun dating. You know, again, you're not, you're not supposed to like most of these guys. Yeah. And when you do like someone, that's step one. Yeah.

And in the meantime, just enjoy it. Have some fun. Yeah. You know, there are stories you get to tell. I don't think we, and I, again,

I guess I have the perspective of being a little older, but like, the best part of your life is to look back and, like, you know, tell the stories about,

yeah, that was some crazy shit. I can't believe that happened. Boy, those end up being really fun stories in a big part of your life.

And when things do work out, because they will work out for you, it makes you appreciate what you have when you have it, you know, because you, overcame things. And I think you just need to look at this situation a little differently and be more proud of what you accomplish rather than remain the victim of that situation.

Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Okay. Yeah. All right. Good luck. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye. How's it going? Good. Good. Good. How are you? I'm good. What's your name? My name is Callie. I'm 25 and I'm wondering, when do wedding decisions become friendship red flags? Say more. Okay, well, two of my childhood friends just got engaged and they both made some wedding decisions that really hurt me. And I just don't know if I'm overthinking the situation or if they just don't value my friendship as much as I thought they did. Tell me about them. With my first friend, she got engaged last fall. I also, I got engaged last winter. So we're both doing wedding planning together, which has been fun. So a group of three friends all got engaged.

Yes. Okay. all within about six months of each other. This first friend, she was the one who first got engaged. And after I did, we ended up getting together talking. And she was asking me about the guest list and what my thoughts are on plus ones. For her wedding or your wedding? For both. For both hers and mine.

So I hadn't given it much thought. Yes. Two different weddings. Okay. Not a joint wedding. Not a joint wedding. So you guys can make different decisions. We can definitely make different decisions.

All right. But she was asking me, and I was like, I haven't really thought about this that much because I just got engaged a couple weeks ago. So I asked her what she's doing. And she was like, well, I thinking I'm only going to have plus ones for people who are engaged. So I was like, oh, awesome. Great. My fiance will be able to come.

Let's plan for him to come. Well, somewhere down the line, something changed. and my fiancé is no longer invited to her wedding. And she has changed her whole theory. It's no more this cut and dry. You have to be engaged. She's inviting people who have been in a relationship for five months. She's inviting people who have been dating longer.

It's just, it's not cut and dry. So my fiancé was kind of excluded and others were now included. Well, that's weird. Did you ask her why your fiancé is not invited? I did not. Why not? Why not? I don't know. I just didn't know if it would be kind of an overreach because it is her wedding and it's her decisions. For sure. Yeah, but, you know, she is your friend. And it's like, is there any way that like after she changed the rules, she just forgot? Do you know that she's aware that your fiancé feels? uninvited or is uninvited?

I don't think she is aware that my fiancé and I are a little upset. One of your closest friends. Yes. As far as you know, is not inviting your fiancé to her wedding.

Yes. And she's inviting you. And granted, it's her wedding. She did whatever she wants. But you think that she would think that's no biggie? I think so because we did have like some conversations about it. And I mean, she did kind of ask my opinion.

And I guess in the moment, I was just like, it's your wedding. Sure. Yeah. Again, make your own decision. For sure.

And ultimately it is her wedding. She'd do it. She wants. You have the right. I mean, listen, we all make decisions in life. You've probably heard me talk about parenting and child.

And I'm a new dad, right? And I'm a big, you know, like listen, it's our family, our kids. We make the rules.

I am not looking for, you know, I want advice from people. I'm not looking for people's permission for me and Natalie to parent our kids how we want, right? That being said, if my parents or her parents or our friends feel a certain way about our decisions, they're, they're entitled to feel. And if they feel a certain way, they're certainly entitled to ask, you know, no, it was a good chance. I'll be like, listen, I don't know, this is my decision, whatever. But like, there might be in any of these situations, some misunderstandings or miscommunication or assumptions, yada, yada, yada. So there's a big difference between she has the right to do whatever she wants, but she is

your friend. And friendships require communication and understanding and sometimes there's conflict and whatever. But like in order to resolve misunderstandings and conflict or disagreements, there needs to be communication. And you're not, that's that part you're just kind of punting on. You're just like, well, you know, it's like I don't, I guess I'll just, I'll just assume whatever I want to assume and let it fester and not just talk to my friend. Yeah. And I guess that is a conversation I should have. It just feels kind of late in the game because her wedding is coming up in a couple months.

A couple months. So like not this weekend. No, not this weekend. I mean, I, you know, listen, every wedding's different. But like, I mean, there are people at my wedding. I didn't, oh, I know I didn't even invite. You know, like, people just kind of show up. I mean, you know, I think that that's pretty common.

There's always a last minute addition to a wedding. She's got a couple months. You know, guarantee you that guest list is changing between now and then. That's true. That's fair. And again, she is welcome to explain to you why she's going to enforce this boundary, I guess, if you want to call it, which is her wedding invitation, as to why, hey, listen, I don't know,

I don't like him. I don't, I don't, I don't, I, you know, I think he smells bad and I want my wedding to, I don't know what to fucking, you know, like, who knows? I mean, she is allowed to explain to you why he's not invited. But it's, you recognize how it's odd that, you're aware of why, you know,

the decision she's making, because it sounds like you are kind of somewhat indirectly, at least, not, like I say, you're not part of her wedding, planning, but she is going to you and informing you of the decisions she's making about her wedding. Yes. Yeah. And one of those decisions is to uninvite your fiancé or not invite your fiancé or not invite your fiancé. Is there any possibility that you could go to this friend and be like, hey,

you know, is this like, is, so like Matt, he's not invited? And couldn't she be like, oh my God, no, of course he's invited. I just didn't like, you got, I changed my mind after you got the to save the date and I just I guess I forgot to tell you like of course he's invited why wouldn't why wouldn't I want Matt to come there is there a possibility that could happen I mean I definitely can go to her and have a conversation with her but I I know for sure that he is not invited it wasn't just to like and how do you mix up on the save the date how do you know that because it was addressed to my sister and I my sister's invited to the wedding so it's addressed as my sister and I are going, not to me directly.

When did she change her mind on who she invites? Somewhere along the way from January till now. But was that after you received the invite or before the issue? No, it was before. Okay. What about the other friend? So the other friend, this is a longer one. Oh, my God.

Okay. The other friend, she got engaged in the spring. and a couple weeks after she got engaged and after she looked at some venues, she sent me a date and was like, hey, are you available for this date? We're thinking of having our wedding at this time. And unfortunately, I will not be available for that date because I am planning my honeymoon for that time period. It's a little tricky of a situation because typically under any other circumstance, I would change things. But my fiancé is in medical school.

We're a long distance. So we rarely see each other. And he has about three weeks during this one time. And that's going to be his last break for several years. So it's kind of like either we do it then or we wait for several years. So she knows this. And I told her again, I was like, this is the circumstance. I won't be able to come to your wedding if it's at that time.

And I was like, are there any other times available? Because I was a little caught off guard because she was telling me all before she was engaged that she wasn't going to have her wedding for several years. And if not several years, she wanted a fall wedding. So I was just shocked that she was going to have it in the summer. But that doesn't really matter. She changed her mind. She changed her mind. And it conflicted with plans that you and your fiancé made.

Exactly. Okay. And she essentially chose that date, even though there were other dates available in the same month that I would have been able to attend. And then a couple weeks later, we got dinner. And I was kind of asking her, like, so why'd you choose the venue? Like excited, like, why'd you choose the date? She's like, well, I just love June. The date that you were free was just too early in June. Too early in June because like the weather almanac says it might rain or like what do you mean too like she just doesn't like single digits? I have no idea. Okay. I asked her why is that too early in June and she's like, I don't know.

It's just too early. Okay. And I'm assuming she's mad at you? So it seems to be that way in a very passive, aggressive way. Or are you upset with her about early June? Like, who, are you upset with her or is she upset with you? I think it's just like this really uncomfortable situation because she had a few weeks after that been like, well, I wanted you to be my maid of honor.

But like now that you can't go, like, I don't really know what to do with my bridal party. And so I think she's upset in a very like passive aggressive way because she's like telling me that like her mom said, oh well if she was a good friend she would change plants or if she was a good friend she would do this or that and she was telling me how other friends that she had talked to were saying oh well like you can't make sure everyone's available for your wedding and if she was a good friend and wanted to be there she would yeah but that's ridiculous this is not like this is this is a very specific thing um you don't have a lot of flexibility with your wedding Yeah, you know, because your honeymoon is kind of connected to your wedding.

It's all of one celebration. Sounds like there's a theme here, which is you haven't really communicated and sat down and had honest conversations with either of these friends about your feelings. Well, with my second friend, I did tell her, like, I'm really sad. I can't go. Like, I want to be there for you. I just don't really know what else I can say because I feel like I'm kind of being put now in the position since that's all secured.

Her wedding date is secured. She booked it. And your honeymoon is locked and loaded, right? It's technically not booked because it's a year away from now. But that's, again, like the only timeline that we can go. So I feel like I'm being put in a position of like, do I change all of that? I thought your fiancé has a three-week window. He does, yes.

So we are- And you can't, are you taking a three-week honeymoon? We wanted to take two-week honeymoon. Okay. honeymoon. And the problem is, is her wedding day is smack dab in the middle of the month. Because she likes a good, she likes a middle of the month. Yeah. It's too early. And so after you talked to her, she was just like, I guess you're just not a good friend? She was just like, well, I, like, I want you to be involved in any way you can, like, come to the bachelorette party. Okay, great.

And we can leave it out that. It's just felt like, really awkward because I still feel like there's this expectation on me because she keeps asking like, hey, has anything changed? Like, will you be able to come? Just let me know. She's like asking me like if I want to get my hair and makeup done for the wedding. And if I want to like pitch in for the Airbnb, for the wedding weekend. She's asking for money? And I'm assuming, you know, like now for you, friends are weird. One of Natalie's good friends. She just got married.

It was right when the twins were born. And she got married in France, I think. We were really excited. It was like, oh, we get to go, you know, I think it was, or England, I don't know. Or both. I don't know. It was dope wedding. And they got engaged and they already knew pretty quickly what the wedding plan was going to be and told us.

And we were really excited about going. and then found out Natalie was pregnant. And then the due date was literally like two weeks after, you know, when the, you know, it's like, well, there's no way with twins she's going to be able to fly to Europe. And, you know, and we were, now, we were sad, but Nallie was sad. And she obviously, like, you know, it's like, hey, I'm pregnant. Good news, bad news. And then, you know, I don't know, it was like a simple conversation, which was,

Nellie was like, I'm just so, I'm so heartbroken. I can't go. And they were like, yeah, we're heartbreaking. But like, you know, we get it. Obviously, twins are a little less flexible than honeymoon's. But again, you, you know, you all got engaged around the same time. You all recognize that, like, you all want your wedding and the events surrounding that wedding to be special.

and there's obviously a little bit of overlap or conflict, but you would think that you would all just be at the end of the day super supportive of each other. And if things don't work out the way you all want it to work out, just, you know, like, hey, you know, to your friend's point who was like, well, just let me know what you can do. And was your response was, yeah, I want to be a part of all of it. I'm heartbroken. I can't go.

You know, I really, I'm so sad. I really want to be there. you know, we want to do this thing. We've talked about it. Just like you have plans, we have plans. And listen, I wish you were getting married in early June. You're not. I'm not, I don't expect you to move your wedding date for me, you know, because that's ridiculous.

And you would think that you'd both just kind of be empathetic about that. Like, why is she in a position to judge the level of your friendship, but you're not in a position to judge the level of hers? I mean, that would be ridiculous for either of you to do that. but she seems to be comfortable saying like, well, you're supposed to do X, Y, and Z, but like, is there no expectation around what you get to do for your wedding? Yeah, and it just, it feels weird because I just don't understand why she would ask whether I was available or not if she wasn't going to factor that in. Make the decision you make. Sounds like she's being passive, aggressive, like you said, and a little indirect, but what did

you say when she asked for money? I said, I don't think I'll be able to go to your wedding. Have you with either of the, you know, again, I still think my advice still stands, which is I think a more honest conversation is required of both these friends. One friend, it's like, why isn't Matt coming? You know, I'm glad my sister's coming, but like, can I bring my fiance to a wedding? Are you inviting her fiance? Yes, he will be coming to the wedding.

Okay. So isn't that make it even more weird? Yeah. I mean, like, she, again, she has the right to give you an answer, and it doesn't have to make sense. It's her wedding. But it does make a lot of sense for you, at least ask. I mean, you deserve to know, does she not like your fiancé? I don't know.

I mean, they have met a handful of times. So he's long distance, so she doesn't really, like, know him that well. So maybe that's her excuse. So maybe that's her excuse. Or maybe she assumes that, like, he won't even be in town. or he won't be available. Which may be the case as well, but it's just nice knowing that he's invited

because it feels like in both circumstances, like my friends aren't really valuing or considering my relationship with my fiancé. That makes sense that you feel that way. But just to, you know, everyone is very focused on themselves right now as they should in some level. Some more than others are getting lost

in the sauce of planning their wedding. You all had hopes and dreams for what this moment in your life would look like. And you all kind of are centering your own feelings over each other's. I have the benefit of hearing your version, so I'm a little team you right now. But, you know, like it all comes from you feeling a certain way about how they're moving about their wedding. And I think you just need to have a direct conversation. First step one is to say, I would really like to bring him. I really want my fiance to be there.

It just feels weird that he's not coming. If it's too much, he can replace my sister, but I'm assuming she's probably friends with your sister as well. She's friends with my friend's sister. Okay, so she's not even that close with your sister. So you could switch. I mean, if head counts an issue, she has two months to change the card on the seating chart, right?

I guess you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think that would cause a family tift between my friend and my friend's sister though. Between your friend and your friends? So me and my sister are both friends with her and her sister. Okay. So our sisters are best friends. Okay.

So that's why my sister is invited because those two are best friends. Awesome. I'm just guessing one more person isn't going to like break the wedding. So you think I should just have a. conversation because I think my hesitation was that I was overreacting. You're overreacting that your fiancé is not invited? I don't think a conversation is an overreaction. Okay.

Whatever your friend's answer is, if you get an answer you don't like and you call her a stupid fucking bitch and burn her house down, that would be an overreaction. If you were like, well, then we're never friends again, that might be an overreaction. But depending on her answer, it might. reframe the relationship. But there are a lot of things that are keeping this, you know, like again,

her sister and your sister are friends and your friends with her. It's just like, my guess is you are probably overcomplicating it. Maybe not, but the solution is just to find out. And then from there, once you get the actual reason

and the actual decision, because the way you're telling me, it would make sense that maybe she's just like, I guess I just assumed he wouldn't be there and you didn't make a big deal about it. So I guess I didn't think too much about it. Keep in mind, she is more focused on her wedding and, you know,

she is not, I know you feel like she's not prioritizing your relationship. But I, you know, again, it makes sense that she is just more thinking about her wedding. And if she hasn't spent a lot of time with your fiancee, because he's long distance and he's just got a very hectic schedule and,

you know, she hasn't like bonded with your fiance. So him being there isn't a priority for her. for you. And it makes a lot of sense why your sister's invited because she's friends with her friend. And so her mind, it's just like, yeah, I don't know. He's just like, I guess if she really wanted him to come, she had let me know. But maybe he's not even there and maybe he just doesn't care. I'm willing to bet problem one is a, it will be solved with a simple conversation. Okay. And if not, then you'll have a better understanding of what your friend actually thinks

and feels about your friendship and your relationship. And then you can go from there. But at least you'll be dealing with information in facts rather than, you know, your worries and fears. And then the other friend, a little different, but I think same thing, just a direct conversation of just like, it's just more reinforcing. Listen, I hope you know. Because, you know, and I know this is your wedding, and I don't, like, listen, you wanted it mid-June. I was hoping you would have it earlier, but it's not my wedding and I don't expect you to choose your wedding date over mine. I know my situation is unique. I really, I want to be there. I wish I could, you know, but it's like don't have the honeymoon that I wanted at the time when I wanted or go to your wedding. And it feels like two impossible

choices, but like I'm expecting you to prioritize your marriage and your ceremony and your relationship, you know, not that I don't care about you, but I am going to prioritize my wedding and my marriage and what I want. And it's not ideal. but like, you know, I just want you to know that I really, I'm heartbroken, but I don't, like, it, it does hurt just to be honest with you that I've had to hear from directly or indirectly that, you know, that my friendship is in question because I'm going on my honeymoon. And that just hurts my feelings. And I don't want, I don't, I hope you don't actually think that. And if you do, I guess tell me, but I just want you to know, that's not how I see it, you know, because I love you and I, I mean, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. only there's only one reason I can't be there and it's for this thing. I'm not taking some sort of like summer course. I'm not, you know, I'm not going on a girl's trip. You know, it's my honeymoon. I've dreamt about this as you've dreamt about your wedding day, you know, and I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm so happy that we all, we all found what we want it all on the same time and maybe we'll all,

I don't know if you want kids or if they want kids, but if you guys do and, you know, maybe you'll have kids together. That's all exciting, you know, man, like, I just found out friends, you know, I have friends who got pregnant. And that, you know, as someone who's a parent, that's, that's like the coolest news to be like, oh my God, like, that gives us reasons to, you know, it's like sometimes in life, life happens, you get married, you have kids, and so much about your life becomes your kid's lives and you make friends with their friends. And it's just like sometimes you just lose, you know, you lose touch with the friends that you chose for yourself because the life that you made for yourself doesn't always

align with, you know, their life that they've chose them for themselves. I mean, quite honestly, what it's going on with you and your friends is at the very beginning of life, which is you're starting your life, they're starting their life, and they're going to be a lot of moments where that doesn't line up. But the exciting thing is, you all did get engaged at the same time. And the exciting part is, is that, like, if that's, you know, if you guys do want kids someday, um, that, like, the fact that you guys are getting married around the same time creates the possible. that your lives will continue to have a lot of similarities and make it easy for you guys to remain friends. Because again, when it comes to adult life, sometimes friendships, you know,

you don't stop being friends with people, but sometimes you lose touch because like life happens. You know, and when you guys became friends, when you were all like single and, and friendship was like kind of the most important relationships you had outside of like sisters and brothers and family members. But once you get married, that the calculus definitely changes. So I think it's really important for you in this period, especially with friend number two, to establish healthy communication and upfront expectations so that as these life decisions that are going to become more and more complicated, you guys will have the groundwork for just upfront honesty. Otherwise, you know, the alternative is life happens, you all will

continue to prioritize the life you are creating for yourselves. And if you don't get good at having just honest conversations to these friends, you'll continue to make assumptions about what they think and feel and that will create a distance that maybe isn't even real. But you guys will continue to prioritize the lives you're making for yourselves. So it's just really good to start getting good at some honest communication with these friends. And just be infuse. when you're like, I'm really, I'm so, I'm like, I really, I hope you know, I'm so fucking heartbroken that I can't come. And if her responses, well, then change it. Like, she needs, you know, you want to feel like she at least empathizes with you. And I, and again, if these are really good

friends, she, I think she, I think you can find that common ground. But you have to be willing to have that conversation. And if it's bothering you, then it's up to you to address it. And I feel like I have had those, I've had three conversations now with front number two. Okay. Along those lines of like, I am sad, I am heartbroken, that I won't be able to make it. But I still feel like there's like this expectation. And so now I'm like considering do I just not go on my honeymoon and just postpone it? No, no, no, no, no.

No, no. Absolutely not. I can't, I can't emphasize enough. that this is like part of life. It's important to contending you friendships outside of your marriage and not just be like, lose touch with everyone. You know, like you want to maintain friendships,

but you are starting on a journey that is gonna require you to, you know, the only way of marriage works is that you guys prioritize each other above all things. And certainly you don't want to make concessions for someone who's being a little, you know, like it's, you would resent her. There's no,

you know what I'm saying like there's it's unrealistic for her to expect you to change this it just it's just as unrealistic for you to you know we can sit there and laugh about like why not early june but whatever she doesn't want to get married in early june and that's it's her wedding and it would be just as ridiculous for her to not go on to like postpone your honeymoon for like a year just so she can go to you just so you can go to her wedding so you know listen maybe maybe maybe it's another conversation maybe maybe if you maybe you already had these conversations but i do think you need to, maybe it's like, hey, I, I, I, maybe the conversation is I, I, I, you keep asking me if I'm going to come. I've told you I can't. And, and, and when you keep asking me, you, I feel like you're

expecting me to change my honeymoon and that feels, you know, kind of unfair. I don't, you know, obviously, I, I, I, I wish you would have planned your wedding differently, but I'm, I can't, I'm not going to expect you to change it. And I just, it hurts my feelings that you kind of expect me to change mine. And if I don't, then you're kind of suggesting that I'm not a good friend. And that hurts my feelings. Let her know how it makes you feel. Okay. You know, no doubt she has a different interpretation of this. And maybe when you say things like, well, I still don't think I can come. If I really want you to go, that's like, oh, you don't think. Well, maybe there's a hope, you know, you are, you are painted an inaccurate picture that it's a possibility that

things might change. So stop giving her false hope and just like say, I just, you know, and I get why you did that because you feel bad and you don't, you know, but you just have to be, you just got to like, tell her how it is, be as, you know, just like she's like, yeah, I didn't, I'm getting married in the middle of June. Okay. And so she did ask me to be her bridesmaid. So I was like she's still waiting on an answer?

Yes. And your response was, I don't know? My response was, you're right. I did kind of leave the door open. Okay. I don't think I'll be able to go. We need to look at my fiancé's schedule and make sure. Because the challenge with his schedule too is that it changes.

frequently. And so there may be a possibility, a very, very small possibility that I could make her wedding day. But I don't know. So that's what you say, listen, I want to be honest with you that there's, I don't like this either. You know, I wish there was more flexibility in my fiance's schedule. But hey, he's a medical school. I want to be a supportive partner. I want to support him and his dreams and our dreams. So no matter what, I, I'm, we're going to do our honeymoon if we can do it.

If something happens unexpected, obviously, I will be thrilled to be at your wedding. And it's an honor for you to ask me to be your bridesmaid. But if me being there is a requisite, prerequisite for being your bridesmaid, what I assume it is, then I guess I can't be it. And I hope if, if something does happen,

which I don't think it will, and I'm honestly, as much as I want to go to your wedding, I do want to go on my honeymoon, you know, but if something happens, I will certainly be there. And like,

if I'm not your bridesmaid, you know, I'm still, I'm still your number one fan and I'm still your, you know, and but like I'll, I'm just going to be grateful that I,

you know, I'll be sad about my honeymoon, but I'll still be grateful I got to go to your wedding. But I, I, I'm guessing I can't be your bridesmaid because I don't want it to affect

your wedding. And then just be very specific and very direct. Yeah, just talk to them. Yeah, I mean, it's difficult, but you are entitled, like, you are entitled, you're all entitled to feel how you want. And you guys just need to be, like I said, this is the first, this is the first big challenge that this, are the, are you all friends, the three of you? We are, yes. Yeah. So as friends, the three of you, this kind of pod, this little tripod of friendship, this is each other's first big challenge of making sure that you guys were main friends for a long time.

Because these situations will only continue to come up. Because it only makes sense that you are all, all three of you will prioritize each other's marriages over the friendship. And that's different because three or four years ago, you three were the most important in each other's lives. And there was an expectation that you guys prioritized each other. But that changes. And that's okay.

You know, God forbid something, you know, that, you know, that, you know, that, you know, you it doesn't work out with these marriages, and you guys can rekindle and be there for each other. But none of you should be holding it over each other's heads that you're no longer each other's number one priority. You can be each other's number one priority outside of the marriage, but, like, I don't know how you make a marriage work by continuing to prioritize your friends over your partners

in your relationships, in your marriage. You know, like what's going to happen? Like if your fiancé gets a job in a different state and and your friend's going to be like, well, you can't move. Like, what are you know? They're going to be sad, you know. I don't want you to move. I wish you wouldn't have to move.

Things are going to be different, you know, but they couldn't possibly expect you to not move. Yeah. And the odds are that will happen. And I think when you talk to these friends, you can maybe be the one who points this out. It's just like this is the best part, you know, we are this, we all got what we wanted.

challenges will always come up with our friendship, but I love you. I love you and I want us to be friends for a very long time. And I don't want these challenges to come in the way of our friendship. And I don't want, I don't want you to feel like you have to choose between me and your partner. You should always choose your partner. But I'm never going to question our friendship when you, when you choose your partner over me. And I don't ever want you to feel like you're questioning my friendship to you if I have to choose my partner over you. But I, and I love you. and I just want to make sure that we can continue to be friends as our lives continue to grow and evolve.

And hopefully she agrees. Okay. And if not, then, you know, then I would be prepared for that friendship to slowly distance. And that does happen to. Yeah. All right. Well, I'll go have these conversations. Okay.

I'd love an update. I would be curious how they go. Okay. This is a good practice for you, you know? Just you have, you. Yeah. You have the right to feel how you feel. They have a right to feel how they feel.

No one's wrong. There's just some miscommunication, some hurt feelings. And I think maybe all of you are getting a little lost in the sauce because obviously this is a, you know, like while it's all great, it's not ideal in a way that it all happened at the same time because in an ideal world, one friend got, would get engaged in the married. You could all focus on that one friend and that relationship and the next person would get engaged and married and you could all focus on that and you know what I'm saying but that's that that didn't happen yeah

and now you guys are forced to make some tough choices but none of which has to end the friendship because I promise you at your wedding the only and I'm you have for you for me say this the only person who matters and any of these weddings is your partner and any good wedding I I just I don't have a lot of memories of bonding with our groomsmen or our bridesmaids or you know like they're I don't remember i i I remember Natalie. I remember the moments we shared. That's how it should be. And everyone else had a great time

at a party we threw for them. Okay. Okay. Yep. Thank you, Nick. All right. Take care. Good luck.

Congratulations. Thank you. And congratulations to you. Thank you. Have a good one. You too, bye-bye. How's it going? Good.

How are you? I'm great. How are you? You know? We're getting there. We're getting there. Okay. What's your name?

My name is Carly in 27. And how can I help, Carly? Well, I found out on the night of my wedding that my ex-husband was having a two-year affair with his HR manager. You found out after you said I do or before you said I do? After. Ooh. Okay. Yeah.

And I guess I'm just curious on how I will ever be able to trust a man again and how I can figure out a way to trust myself. Sure. How long ago did this happen? About nine months ago. Okay. How did you find out? He passed out drunk on our wedding night, and I was helping him get his tuxedo off. His phone lit up and fell into my lap.

And she had messaged him on the night of our wedding. Okay. What did it say? It was, can't wait to see you. And then I'm a mistake. You confronted him at some point. Yeah. Essentially, we had a lot of trust in each other.

So I thought we had a shared pass code, which was our anniversary. And I was like, interesting that somebody would be messaging him on our wedding night. Okay. And he had enough confidence to keep all two years worth of messages, photos, and videos. Okay. Well, I'm sorry. It sucks. Crazy.

And then you quickly got divorced, I guess? Did you guys try to make it work? No, I got it annulled. So that was quite a process in the state of California. But it was very validating to know that even the state was like, yeah, that was a fraudulent marriage and should have never happened. Yeah. Well, that's a win for you. What have you done to deal with this kind of trauma and pain and hurt?

Like, how have you been trying to heal? You know, I'm in therapy. And I'm trying to. trying to have as many of these hard conversations with, you know, the people around me. It's just like I feel like I trusted so much in him and his family in the five years that we were together. And so it's like, I'm just struggling with learning how to trust myself again and like my own judgment because I was so willing to put him on a pedestal and do anything and everything for him. Was there any, when you look back, were there red flags or were there, some were there moments where you're like well that that makes more sense now you know i wish i could

say yes but no like scary part is like i was so he was so quick to do everything i needed him to do and like you know compliment me and plan our lives together and promise me this future so to me i'm like a planner like i like to have a plan and i think that's where it it bit me because now i'm like well, here I was caught up in the future and not looking at what I was dealing with in the day to day. But like you said, I mean, there's not there, you didn't, he just was, I guess, very good at this, unfortunately. Unfortunately, so. But the way you, you know, the way you kind of, you're like, but you're like, hey, I was too busy planning. I, I didn't, I wasn't, I was too busy to not notice what was going on in front of my face. That's where I feel like I'm

questioning myself. Like, were there things that I should have seen? But when you look back, you can't find any of those, correct? Correct. Okay. Well, I understand how the scary side of that is like, but you're still painting an inaccurate picture of what happened, is if you're supposed to be able to do something and now you're kind of being hard on yourself

as if like, well, if I would have done things differently, maybe I would have noticed, but it sounds like maybe you wouldn't have. Yeah. Yeah. And that's like the hardest part for me to like wrap my head around where it's, you know, how am I going to let somebody in in the future where it's like I was so easy. I mean, yeah, it's just hard. I totally get it's hard.

I mean, our first call are different situation, but similar aspects. But I talked about how, you know, listen, like we, everyone has at least one and often many moments where I can't believe this happened to me. Yeah. And obviously this is that moment for you. Is this the first time something like that's happened where you're just like truly can't believe this happened to you? Yeah, I would say so. Okay.

Well, it sucks right now. But if you do it right, I'm a firm believer that this will be one of the best moments of your life. I hope so too. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's just like every, well, listen, like, I just, life is like no, I just, this is what life is about. And it's, there's a lot of disappointment in life.

And what we do to respond, I mean, there's just a lot of things I wish I wanted for myself in my 20s and 30s. And it didn't go the way I wanted it to. Some of those situations involved a, I couldn't believe this happened to me. And if I got what I wanted, I wouldn't be here today with you. And I wouldn't, like, I wouldn't have my wife or my kids and I wouldn't have this show. Yeah. You know. So I know that's probably not super helpful for you right now, but you just, you have to,

you just have to trust. And you have to, how old are you again? 27. You're only 27. I know that doesn't, I know that's not how you see it because you're like, I can't believe I'm 27 because you've never been 27. But objectively, like, you just, you know, you're in the first third of your life. And thank God you found out.

Thank God. You know? Yeah. Because if you were, you could literally could have found out, he could have kept doing this. The phone could have, he could have not gotten drunk and the phone could have not fallen out. Then you would have been married for six months.

You could have found out then. And then you wouldn't have been able to get in an old. Absolutely. Probably not. And it's like truly one of those. Yeah. Truly one of those blessings where I look back and I'm like, it needed to happen when it did.

Yeah. And, you know, my dad passed away two years before the wedding and everything. and I just, I feel like it was one of those moments where you can believe in the bigger things in life. And like, it was one of those moments where I was like, maybe he was the one to just show me what I needed to see, you know? But it's thought process like that,

I think that'll help you get through, you know, and just believe in that it probably was your dad, you know? But either way, whatever caused it, thank God. You know, it's like, there's, you know what I'm saying? There's just two ways to look at that specific night. Which is, I can't believe this happened to me. I'm such a fool. How embarrassing.

On the night of my wedding, I found out my husband for a few hours was cheating on me for two years. And I'm a loser. Or it's like, thank you, God, it could have been so much worse. So much worse. So much worse. It could have gotten pregnant with him. You know, after, you know, it's just, it could be. 100%.

You know, you can't, so much worse, so much worse. Yeah. And that's just the part you're going to have to, like, focus on when you're feeling down and sad and feeling bad for yourself. Because at some point, you will actually feel grateful. And at some point, you will be, your life is going to move on. You will get over it. You will meet someone else. You know, and I know you have to work on some trust issues, but, like, it will be better than what it was.

Yeah. And when something good happens in your life, you'll know that like you wouldn't have that if that other thing didn't happen. You just haven't had that happen yet. But you just have to know it will. You know, you're not doomed for a bunch of unbelievable, unfortunate things to happen to you, you know. Yeah. Like what you experience is something everyone experiences. There's just different versions of it.

And it's not a competition of like which one's worse than others. Yeah. And you just have to, you know, when I call, when you're like, oh, is how you're going. You're like, oh, getting through it, you know. Understandable, but you got to stop that. Okay. When people ask you how you're doing, great. Even if you don't necessarily feel great in that moment, you have, you have to start telling yourself, you're okay.

Because right now you're telling yourself, you're still telling yourself, I can't believe this happened. to me. And every time you repeat that, you feel worse. You feel bad. And so then people ask how you're feeling or you're trying to be honest with how you feel. But like you're not allowing yourself to feel good because you keep obsessing over what happened and you keep, and you're, you're stuck in this disbelief that it happened. So I really think step one is, I'm great. I'm good. I'm good. You know, I bet, I bet some small wins have happened in the past nine months. in your life. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I got to know, hey, that day that the nullment was signed and and processed, what a great day. I'm great. Huge day. Huge day. That was a win, you know,

and you need to focus on your wins more than your losses right now. Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely like a shift in perspective. It really is. It really is just a mindset and it really comes down to you and no one's going to be able to do that for you but you. And it's just like baby steps. It's like, you know, and it's going to feel fraudulent at first when someone's like, how are you? And you're like, great. And you're inside. You're like, I don't want to cry. But eventually you will, it will start feeling more honest. Yeah. But it really comes down to you focusing on your wins and not your losses.

Definitely. And I will definitely try to do that. I mean, the trust part and trusting other people, I think you just have to, I guess, accept that life is unfair. Um, people lie. It's unfortunate, but you don't want to become so cynical that you can't, like, listen, this won't be the last time someone lies to you, someone you care about. Yeah. It's unfortunate, but like, it is, it is, it does, it does happen. You're alive. You're here. Yeah. You're, it didn't kill you. I can't believe this. I remember where I was when I literally said that to myself, you know, I mean, I remember it clear as day, you know. And, you know,

And it's a scar, you know, it'll stay with you. But I don't, I don't, I haven't thought of, you know, I haven't thought about it. You know, I'm thinking about now because I'm talking to you. Yeah. But you, yeah, you just have to change the narrative. It happened to me. It was my turn, so to speak. Mm-hmm.

It happens, it literally happens to every single person. And there are guarantee you there are people listening to this right now. Yeah. Who are like, girl, I would take that over what I have. Yeah, absolutely. You know, and then you just have to believe that. You have to know that. And as annoying as it is now,

you have to be really grateful that it happened the way it did. Yeah. You know, because you can't change the past and you can't, you know, relitigating, oh, I wish I would have, what could I have known, what could I have found, whatever. You know, you survived it. Yeah. You know, maybe you lost some money, you know, whatever.

But you're still here. And it happened. And again, it could have been worse. It could have been so worse. And you have to obsessively think about that. If you're going to think about that, it just has to be like, oh, my God, I just, like, I think God, I got it annulled. Thank God we didn't have kids together.

Thank God I found out that night. Yeah. And it's going to be a really, it's going to be a really great story someday. Someday. Yeah. It will. I promise you it will. It will be a great story that you will.

wouldn't you wouldn't trade. Yeah. Some, I mean, you know, you want to get married still? Yeah. Outside of, like, okay, like, again, you, if you, if you had a genie, you got whatever you wanted, you want to get married, correct? Not, not, you know, you can't think of all the things that could go wrong. You, you do, in a perfect world, do you want to get married, yes?

Yes. In a perfect world, do you want to have kids? Yes. Okay. So if that, it will happen, and maybe you will get married and divorce, but if you have kids, and when that kid shows up, no matter how your marriage goes, or maybe you have a kid and you don't, maybe outside of marriage, whatever, you will be so just like you would not, you will just be glad that child's there. Yeah. You know? And just like, you know, again, like obviously now you're grateful that you didn't have kids with this man, but had you had kids with him, you wouldn't have

wish the kid wasn't there. Absolutely. You know, and all I'm saying is no matter whatever happens for you in your future, it would not have happened if this moment didn't happen. This is true. And good things are going to happen. And this needed to happen for those good things to happen. I don't know what they are.

You know what I'm saying? But this is just part of life. And I know it's as easy for me to say, but it is a reality. and it just does you no good to obsess over the why it happened and feeling sorry for yourself and obsess over the reasons why you feel dumb and foolish or why this isn't fair and why did this happen to me or it didn't happen to anyone else and again everyone every single person has there i can't believe this happened to me story yeah when you date take it slow but like don't you know ask the right questions but like at the same time the people you

decide to date in the future or not him. Yeah. You certainly can learn. And maybe some red flags will, you know, or, you know, pay attention to the red flags and ask the questions, but you're not preordained to have, you know, it's not, there's nothing, there's nothing wrong with you. And again, like, if you're being honest about your assessment when you look back without obsessing over it, to be like, yeah, he just was really good at lying.

Yeah. Then you have to accept that, that he was really good. And if there was nothing for you to do differently, then so be it. Yeah. Yeah. And it's it's a learning process, that's for sure. But yeah, I really think step one is to tell people you're good. Okay. It's been nine months. Yeah.

Just didn't have, you know, and you've had some wins. Yes. You know, the annulment, big deal. Like, and you can honestly, because you can honestly say I was never married. Yeah. In the law, in the, in the laws of our society, you were never married. But you do have a great story how you were almost married. Don't tell that story until you can tell it in a way that is empowering and speak with gratitude.

Yeah. Because this, you know, again, someday you will be glad this happened. Absolutely. Is there anything I can help you out with? You have? Or is that pretty much something? No, I mean, I think it's just, that's, that's great, you know. It's a changing of perspective and just hearing an outside source and, you know, your advice is great.

because it is it is something that happened to me but i don't want to let it like define me yeah and that's that's entirely up to you yeah yeah and like shift that story and shift my perspective and just know that like i there's nothing i could have done you are not alone you can't control yeah in the shitty things have happened to me department yeah that part where it's like everybody has something Every, and most people have more than one thing, you know. Yeah. And you can't go through life trying to make sure this some version of this doesn't happen to you again. They might.

Right. Right. You know? And you'll survive that. And life is not full of perfect moments. It's a bunch of ups and downs. Yeah. This is a big down.

But like I said, it could have been so much worse. This is true. Um, okay. All right. Yeah. Well, keep your head up and start telling people, I'm great. I'm great. I'm great.

But you have to, you have to, you can't say it with an eye roll. You know, uh, you have to smile. I mean, you, and honestly, as dumb as this sounds, you have to like say it to yourself, to your, by yourself. Look in the mirror and smile when you say it. And, and when you say it, think about why you're going to. great. What wins did I have? I mean, it sounds corny, but it really matters. It's just like the narrative. This all comes down to your narrative about yourself and your life. And if you have a narrative that you are a victim, you will feel like a victim. And if you have a narrative of this, this happened to me,

and I survived it, and it could have been worse, and I'm grateful for it, and I'm going to pick up the pieces, and I'm going to have the life I want for myself. And that was, I didn't want that life. thank God there's a return policy so to speak you know yeah you're not stuck and the only thing that's keeping you stuck is you yeah and it's again understandable i'm not saying you know right to feel sad and and but like you and at this point you have to you know get unstuck yeah so smile when you say it don't roll your eyes look in the mirror practice yes yes i will all right okay okay okay Okay. Well, I'm sorry it happened. You're going to, you're going to be, it's going to be a great story someday. Someday it's going to be a great story. And it's as sooner than later if you want it to be.

Yes. And I'll work on that. Okay. All right. Good luck out there. Thank you. All right. Take care.