The Viall Files - E1184 - Dodging Love-Bombers | Ask Nick

Episode Date: September 7, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition! Our first caller is struggling with her boyfriend who doesn't defend her against his mother who demeans her. Our second caller is constantly being love bombed. And, our third caller is wondering if she should work things out with her roommate, who is also the father of her child. Subscribe for more dating advice, relationship drama, and unfiltered Ask Nick calls every week. "The pressure he feels isn't to get you to like him…he's looking for an exit strategy. " ARE YOU A MESS BECAUSE OF YOUR SITUATIONSHIP? OR JUST IN GENERAL? Email [e-mail] with all your relationship questions and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes! Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content featuring updates from your favorite callers? Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + HERE: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter  To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com   THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article: Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://www.article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. Caraway: Right now, you can save up to $230 on the 12 piece cookware set vs buying the products individually. Visit https://www.Carawayhome.com/VF10 to take an additional 10% off your next purchase. Chime: Join the millions who are already banking fee free with America's #1 Choice for Banking. Head to https://www.chime.com/viall. Sign up now. It only takes a few minutes. Merit Beauty: Right now, Merit Beauty is offering our listeners their Signature Makeup Bag – which if you've seen it, it's not just a make-up bag but really an accessory – free with your first order at https://www.meritbeauty.com Ladder: If you have an iPhone, head to https://www.ladder.fit/viall  and take a quick quiz to find your perfect Ladder plan. Use my link and get a free 7-day trial with NO credit card, and $10 off your first month if you join. **To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @baybaeee Timestamps: 00:00 - Intro 00:28 - Caller One 38:24 - Caller Two 1:11:12 - Caller Three  

This guy told me his mom was dead. A whole detailed story, how she died while pregnant with him in a car accident, this, that, the third. The woman was alive and well. And then after you found out she was alive and well. I still talk to him. Like, what are we doing here? Good, how are you? Good.

What's your name? Jessica. Jessica. 33. How can I help? In a little predicament here, do I stay with my boyfriend of four years, even though his mom blatantly disrespects me in front of him and other family members. Okay.

Do you love him? Yes, I do. Okay. I do. Okay. Do you want to marry him? Yeah, I do. Listen, you're not the only one with a mother-in-law problem.

Yeah. Anyways, like tell me about it. Tell me why it's, you're on the verge of saying fuck it. Because I realize I'm going to be stuck with this for the rest of, I guess not my life, but her life. because she will probably be gone before me. No, her health is fine. That's what I'm saying.

But she'll probably be gone before me, right? So for as like the foreseeable future, I will be in this predic. I appreciate the joke. So give me an example of the disrespect. So it's just been a lot of random things over the years. It's more like little side comments about my job or random stuff. Like an example is I was on FaceTime with my friends that she doesn't know. And she was like, oh, how did you meet?

They told her and she kind of made like a dig about how we met, which was literally just in a dining hall eating cereal. And she said, oh, yeah, with her terrible eating habits. And so I was like, whatever. And then she asked my friend what she did for work. She told her and she looks at me and goes, do you have a job? Meanwhile, I have three jobs, actually. And I work six days a week.

So you know the answer to that. It was just she wanted to, she wanted to make those digs. Okay. So she just kind of jabs at you. Jabs, but the worst one was all in that same phone call. She said her son's name. She said, he's too good for Jessica, right? Oh, wow.

So that was the worst one. I'm assuming you've spoken with your boyfriend about this? Mm-hmm. And? And he's silent. Like, while it happens, like, live in the moment, he's like a mute. No, no, no, I know. But, like, what happens when you're like, mom's not there?

You pull him aside and you're like, yo, why is your mom such a bitch to me? Like, I don't get it. Like, is, do you see, does he see what you see? Does he at least acknowledge it, it is happening? I feel like he would not acknowledge it until I do first. Like, he has, like, goggles on for her. But he says, oh, well, you were going back with her. I'm like, yeah, but, but she starts it.

And he doesn't really say much. That's the issue. It's like, yeah, I'm annoyed at her, but I'm annoyed at you for not really doing anything about it. So he doesn't acknowledge it. Not really, you know. Yeah, like, you know, like, you're telling me the story, right? You know, I wasn't there, obviously. But when you tell me the story, it's like, well, that's crazy.

Like, that would get old real fast if that is a theme of the relationship, his mom making some digs. And he doesn't, he doesn't see it that way. No. Have you really set him down and said, hey, I'm sure I could be better with your mom, but your mom on a regular basis, let me give you some examples, says things that makes me feel like, quite frankly, that she doesn't think I'm good enough for you. In fact, she literally said that. And then she just kind of picks me apart. And it honestly is exhausting. And he would say,

I don't think she does that. Kind of. Yeah. Like that is exactly how it goes. That's what I say to him. And he kind of was just like, oh, she didn't mean it. Or, oh, she was joking. And I'm like, I don't think she was joking. Okay, so at least he is acknowledging a little bit it exists, but he's downplaying it. Exactly, yeah. I also talked to her about it the next day after it happened, and she's like, I didn't say that. I don't say that. She was boozing. She didn't remember. Okay, so she's drunk when she's saying this. Yes. Is it always she's drinking? Yeah, but also she would say that stuff not drinking because she's just kind of that like funny, no filter type of person. Fair enough, but children are used to it. That's why they downpile.

because they're used to it, I'm not. Sure. I understand that you think she's a type of person who's probably got a little snark in her DNA. Yeah. But I just want to confirm that the vast majority of the time, when she is acting this way, she's drunk? Yeah. Do you, you know, non-expert opinion, do you think she may have a bit of a drinking problem?

She's Irish. Okay. She drinks a lot. It's a heavy drinking. family. Yeah, but like it doesn't get out of control. Like it's, it's understood, but it's like she's, yeah, but she's a professional heavy drinker that is not getting herself in terrible situations, but she is a bit obnoxious. Yeah, with her mouth more with her stuff she says. Yeah. But again, she has done it not drinking. So that makes a little more sense to me that, um,

boyfriend's a little defensive of mom because if it's, It's often because she's drinking, like you said, they're kind of used to this behavior. They're probably a little protective of mom when it comes to her drinking. You know what I'm saying? And my guess is he's got a little bit more goggles on because of the drinking as opposed to. She's just being mean. Yeah, I feel like they just don't think it's a big deal. Like he's a mama's boy.

It's her baby. Okay. Why should you make me feel less than? I understand, and this is just in the vein of you love him, you would like to marry him. And I think the biggest thing you got to, you know, it's like the choice is yours. Because like, you know, you're like, hey, do I break up with this guy? And, you know, like, you know, there's, I'm sure you've listened to this show. There's a lot of bad partners out there.

A lot of people have been like, oh, the dating pools fucking sucks. And it's, uh. Yeah, that's the thing. He's a great person. He's a great. So, I mean, that is, that is, you know, more important than the annoying mother-in-law, you know, as much as it sounds like his family is pretty close and it sounds like you vacationing with them and spend a lot of time with them. Can you get over it in the sense of like, can you, clearly he's had a lifetime of being used to this behavior where whether you agree with or not, he just looks the other way, doesn't quite frankly take her that seriously and kind of treats her like a child. I'm starting to think I can't get over it because this has been going on for four years.

I have gotten over it. But lately it's just like it's making me feel like shit about myself. It's more of like the things you say that put me down. I'm like, why would you say that to your son's potentially future, future wife? Have you really, when she's sober, really just like vulnerably been like, hey, I know, I know maybe you don't mean it, but like you've said some things that just really hurt my feelings. And it makes me feel like I, I'm not welcomed here. And it just like, I don't know, I'm just really uncomfortable.

It sounds to me like you're, you're fighting fire with fire right now. I've talked to you for about 90 seconds. You got a little edge to you. And I say that with love. You know, I know, it's true. Yeah. You know. So her and I go head to head.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, you know. But it's not because. it's more so I'm sticking up for myself. Listen, I'm not saying you're wrong and I'm not saying you having edged in any way disqualifies how she's talking to you. It's just more, you just got to try to find some common ground with this lady.

And I'd be willing to bet that, I don't know, you know, like, anytime like, I don't, this is a bad example, I don't know, I'm trying to come up with an example. But like sometimes when you have two strong personalities and sometimes these personalities, and I'm not saying you're exactly like, mom but there might be some so we have we do we've been told we have similar so yeah attributes those people can often clash you know honestly like the people i find when i'm like talking about reality tv or just i hate myself you know it's just like i'll be criticizing people and i'm like why do i hate them and i'm like oh they remind me of me you know what i'm saying like i think we instinctually like it's it's easier to see flaws that we have in other people than it easier it is to see in ourselves And I think sometimes when it happens, it just we get more annoyed by those people.

But I do think when it comes to those types of personality, oftentimes it just takes an event or a moment, like some kind of bonding for you guys to like be best friends or get on the same page. Have you seen stepbrothers? Yeah. You know, like the brothers and they like kind of hate each other at first. Oh yeah, in the beginning. Yeah, they become best friends. And they're like they're just kind of rivals, but they're also best friends.

So it's actually the opposite. We started out as very close. And we still are. Like we are close. It's very hard to describe. Like we do like each other and enjoy each other's company, but then there's times where... My guess is she's... And I'm making a lot of assumptions because I haven't talked to you very long.

My guess is that her jabs are coming from a place of comfort and love. Yeah, they are because she's like, I didn't mean it. You know, I love you. And I'm like, well, why are you hurting my feelings then? I don't understand. We're moving in together in a couple of weeks. weeks we haven't lived together so I'm like it's like another big step that I'm like is she moving in with you guys probably she's like makes decisions for us she's like you're getting married in a church I'm like are you the one

marrying him or mine and she's like your kids can be named after him I'm like are you having a child with him okay so let me ask you this I mean she can say everything she wants but the end of the day do you feel like you have agency with your boyfriend that you guys can make decisions as a couple I mean, mom can save whatever she wants, but... Honestly, no, I do sometimes think he's going to, like, do what she wants him to do, and that's something... How old is he? 33. Listen, at the end of the day, you're going to have to, like, you're going to have to figure this out with both of them.

It is more important for you to figure it out with him. I think it would go a long way for you to try to figure it out with both of them, because, you know, he's got some mama's boy and in him, you can only expect so much. But what you can, what is a non-negotiable for any couple, is that like you need to feel that as your partner, and especially if there's an engagement in a marriage and you guys choose to have kids together, you need to know that you guys will make decisions together. And input is welcomed,

but at the end of the day, you can't feel like his mom's opinion is more important than yours. And then that's just a non-negotiable. You need to be able to talk with him about this. And I don't think this is probably like a one conversation thing because, A, you've already tried it. And B, his default will be to try to defend mom. So you got to try to figure out how to have this conversation without you, A, making him feel like you're attacking him for being his mama boy and mama's boy. And B, make him not feel like you're attacking his mom, which is a needle that's hard to thread.

In the end, the past, he kind of has been defensive and took it personally like, oh, so you hate my mom. I'm like, no, I don't want to. No, it's just more about listen. There are times, and it's common enough that it bothers me. Where I honestly don't know if we get married and have kids together. Like, I don't know if I want to get married in a Catholic church. I don't know what I want my kids' names to be. I don't know where they're going to want to go to school.

Hell, I mean, we're not even engaged. Like, I possibly know these questions. But when we do make these decisions, I want to feel like I have a partner who I can talk with and we can make these decisions together. And yes, we'll be new parents and like we will welcome input from our families. But at the end of the day, we have to make decisions together. There's something about doing that as a couple that actually, you know, bonds the connection. Like now, you know, me and Natalie, we have our kids and Natalie's mom is incredibly helpful.

My parents are incredibly helpful. Like, we're very lucky that we don't have. Like, they're, they're more, they're quieter. Like hands off. They're just, they're not very opinionated and they're not very, yeah, they're, they respect our boundaries, so to speak. And I guess I have the benefit of being, you know, I've always been this way, you know, so like, now I doesn't have to deal.

I think it's much harder in your case where like if the son's close to mom and there's like a, I've never had a hard time in adult life, being able to tell my parents. I'm going to do it my way. And so it's a little easier for me. But regardless, when Nellie and I make these, you know, we're both new parents. We're both figuring out together. There's a lot of things we don't have,

I don't know. We're like, I don't know. You know, she's like, I don't know, you know. And we, but we decide together. And, you know, I'm like, what do you think? She's what do I think? But when you make, when you come to those decisions together as a couple, it makes you, it's like, yeah, we decided together.

Cool. And then if you fuck up together, you make the wrong decision, there's not a finger pointing. There's like, yeah, we, you know, we, I don't know, I guess lesson learned will make a different decision at a different time. But like, that, you know, it is important for you to figure this out. I think it's a bit extreme for you, given that you love him and you think he's a great guy. And, you know, there's a lot of, as far as your relationship, there's a lot of good here. it seems a little hasty to want to end this relationship because mom's a little obnoxious. That being said, I do think it is really important for you to start setting this expectation

that, hey, listen, I can't, I'm very worried about this. I love your mom. I just don't like that sometimes it doesn't feel like you value my opinion as much as you value your moms. And we're not married yet and we don't have kids yet but i want to start feeling that before we get married and have kids yeah because that's what i'm nervous about is when we're getting married and making those decisions and have kids it's just like it's never just him and i it's that they're a very close family with five children yeah it's always other there's always going to be other opinions and that other opinions are fine but you guys have to have the ability to be like guys thank you but you know, this is what we're doing.

Yeah, he's just so close with him. I think he takes their opinion, which that's great. That's his family. He should, but he needs to make his own decisions. You just have to figure out how to have this conversation with him. I suspect when you have these conversations,

you get easily annoyed and easily frustrated. And it goes from zero to 100, and then it turns into a fight to whatever. degree you're not leading with vulnerability, you know, where it's just like, I just, hey, help me out. Like, can you at least acknowledge, you know, first you need to acknowledge without it feeling like you're attacking mom. Listen, love your mom. Look.

Very helpful. I don't always agree with her. And that's totally okay. I'm fine with disagreeing with your mom. I just want to know that you have my back and that when we make these decisions to move in together or whatever like I want to feel like we're making this decision and sometimes it doesn't feel that way and I it makes me nervous on you know because to me that's way more important than the side comments because it's you know she just sounds like a person who like I love you know I tease

because I love you know it's like it's yeah I think they're ever going to stop to be honest yeah that you can probably get over um but my guess guess is, it could be wrong, but if you felt like, you know, and he did big decision as a couple you have to make, he would say, go to you and be like, hey, Jessica, what do you think? What do you think we should do? And it actually feels like you two are having a conversation and you're coming into this decision together. I feel like that would go a long way to alleviate this frustration, because that would bother me a lot more than the annoying comments. Yeah, I just always feel like it's also him because he's always asking them like we went to look at an apartment and he was

live texting his sister photos and videos i'm like can you just be here with me what do you say well i told her what we're doing i wanted to show her i'm like why are you texting her like live in the moment when we're touring this apartment together he's texting them 24-7 yeah yeah and i guess you just have to figure out how to have the conversation where you're like listen i'm not saying it's wrong great. But I want to do this with you. And I'm just asking you to be in the moment with me. And by all means, if we want to get their opinion,

but I would love for you to just ask me first. You know, like, that's all. And I just want to feel like we make decisions together. Yeah, because I sometimes feel like he's making them with them and not me. No. And like, this is a problem. I don't think it's a relationship ending problem. but I do think it's something you need to work on with him.

Well, what does mom say if you, if she found out that you said to your boyfriend, I'd love to do couples therapy. Oh, and she said, oh, because I have said that to him before, actually. What did he say? He was like, said he would, but then said, well, you find it

because you're the one that wants to do it. Yeah, listen, baby steps. I'm sorry, he said I would have to pay for it, but I'm like, you're coming with me. Like, I just thought that was already like, He wasn't interested. Yeah. I mean, it's not like, listen, it's not the best response for sure.

But I'm just like baby steps here, you know, like I think that's something maybe you can even address in therapy. The goal here is get them in. Yeah. And her response would probably be able to something like that's not good, like something negative where I think that therapy and couples therapy is always a positive because you're helping yourself. She would definitely probably have a negative comment about it.

Yeah. I don't think you should threaten them like, I'm going to like leave you. but I think you just have to... Yeah, I haven't to him. It sounds like they're not taking... Yeah, which is good. But you need to feel like he's hearing you. And right now it doesn't sound like he's hearing you.

Exactly, yeah. He's defensive. He either feels like you're attacking him or you're attacking his mom. And you just got to say it like, listen to it. This is a real problem for me because like I don't want to try... I'm not trying to come between you and your family.

I am not trying to make you less close with your sister or your mom. I don't want to be married to your family. I want to be married to you. Yeah. And right now, and then you have a perfect example, like we went apartment shopping. And before you even asked me like, hey, what do you think?

And before we talked about it as a couple, you're FaceTiming your sister. And it was if you're apartment shopping with your sister. Like, what, I mean, what if I liked the closet and she didn't like the closet? do you at least understand why that might be a little frustrating for me and like edwin he he's got you know he's you know if he can't ever get there then it is a problem because like that that that would be a very frustrating thing yeah like i said something because he was sending her like live updates and then he like put his phone away but um the trick is because i'm guessing right now you're

so annoyed by this you're just you're you're you're making comments in a way that makes him defensive Yeah, you're right, because I'm so fed up. But I don't go in like angry. I definitely am annoyed, though. I'm more hurt than anything. You have to try to address these. Yeah, no, I get it. But you have to try to have these conversations when you're not in the heat of

like not when it's happening. You can just feel like, hey, can I talk to you about something? It's something that's really bothering me. First of all, like, I love you. I love your family. I do not want this to. But like when we went apartment shopping, that just, I just felt like you. weren't in it with me. Listen, I want to fuck up together with you. I want to get things wrong. I want

us to figure it out together. I don't want every decision we make as a couple to be filtered through your family, you know? I want to feel like we have some agency as a couple. I don't want your mom's input when we're naming our kids. I'm close with my family, but I don't, like I would go to my boyfriend for those relationship decisions. before my family, then you go to your family after. Like his is the opposite. Family first, then me. And I'll never be able to feel like I'm good enough for them.

Well, I mean, listen, like he's never, I want, when he talks about this, does it at least in theory have the mindset of like, well, when we are married, it will be different? No, not necessarily. Well, that's probably a good thing because, like, you know, people who like make, well, it'll be different when something else happens and it's usually not. Yeah. And then it's like not. disappointed. No, it's, no, he doesn't really say stuff like that. I guess he's never been in this

much of a serious relationship either, like for all these steps. So he's never had to deal with someone saying, why is your mom involved or why is your family well? Because he's just never been in a situation before. That, like that, that, that is definitely not how I would ask it if I were you. I'm trying to ask it. You start with it being like, why is your mom involved? Like, is if, it sounds like he's doing something wrong. Mm-hmm. Right. So his first reaction is going to be defensive. Yeah. He is not hearing how it's affecting you first. It's like, you know, it's like the compliment sandwich, right? You know, you kind of have to compliment it and soften them up and you get a little criticism and then you pat him on the back again. It's like it's a little bit of that, right?

I mean, most of communication and relationship is just like, it's, you know, it's like baking. It's chemistry. It's like you have to, you know, it's like a to dance. But like right now, you're like, why is your mom involved? Why, like, ugh, God. You know, it's like immediately he's going to get defensive because. So then I get why he gets, yeah. Yeah. So he's not hearing your frustration.

He's not understanding why. It's so when it's not happening, you have to, you know, when it's just you and him, you know, honestly, this might be better. Like, you've already got, you've signed the lease. You're moving in. It's done. Yeah. Okay.

So move in. Like, you can always, you know, if shit hits the fan. Yeah, we're not buying a house or anything. You know, yeah, it's, you have an exit strategy. It's fine. But you can like in early, fairly early in moving in together, you're going to be like, hey, it's something I want to talk to you about. And then you first, again, you have to be like, listen, I love, I love your family.

This is not an indictment on your family. Yes, I don't love it when your mom makes those comments, but like, whatever she is, who she is. Now that, like, we're living together. So like, hey, we see a future. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. my life with you. I hope you feel the same way about me. But there are oftentimes where I just feel, in case and point when we were looking for an apartment, you have an example in mind. It just felt like my opinion wasn't as important as your families. And while I know your family's opinion is important

to you, and I'm glad that we have them in our lives, and I'm glad that they are here to help us. Because you have to like acknowledge all those things before you get to the criticism. Because it's first. Because his first response is going to be able to well, you know, they help and like, you know, he's going to want to defend them. So you got to like, you got to call out all the things that he's going to want to defend and acknowledge that you appreciate it first because it's not about them helping. It's, it's about how he's prioritizing his family over yours. And so you just got to, like, I just want to feel like we're making these decisions together. And if, and then, you know, if we, if we are indecisive, maybe we can say,

well, let's ask your sister. Let's ask your mom. And we can get there. input but like right now you're asking their input before you're even checking in with me and that kind of makes me feel yeah like you were looking for our apartment with your sister and i don't want to feel that when we plan our wedding i don't want to feel that when we get married like when we have our kids their first goal is to get him to just do you understand where i'm coming from that's that's the first goal is to get him to say yeah i okay you know i see what you know i see what i'm coming from you know i see what you're saying, I acknowledge that, that's fair, I will try to work on it. Like, that's step one. Because right now, it's, he's all he's doing is defending mom. Yeah. And defending his relationship

with his family. That's the trick, so to speak. Yeah, because I love them. I don't want him to think otherwise. I just. And that's that, you have to really lead with that. Yeah. First. Yeah. But you can, oh, you hate my family now. I'm like, no. You know I love them. He's only hearing the criticism. He's not here. Exactly, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's easy to think that.

So it's, you're going to have to not fight fire with fire. And you're going to have to be the bigger person for the time being. Maybe always with his mom. You're going to have to be the bigger person. And just, but that's fine. No, but sometimes I don't want to be. Well, you know, listen, you know, we all choose chaos sometimes. I always will stick up for myself.

I just don't want to be this person that. lets her speak to me like that. So, well, that's a separate issue. Like, I don't care, because you don't talk to me like that.

Well, I mean, listen, that's this, you're going to have to figure it out with her mom, you know, and yes,

it would be great if, I, I just sounds like you're a long way away from in the middle of it, him being like, don't talk to my girlfriend that way, mom.

Like, I just don't see a world. Oh, I've never heard that before. Yeah, and I wouldn't, I wouldn't hold my breath. I,

I don't feel like that's the biggest. issue because you sound like a person who's clearly capable of defending yourself. Yeah. You're not a meek, kind of, you know, helpless person. So you're capable of doing that. But like, we don't break up with our future husbands that we love because mother-in-laws are annoying. That's a right of passage.

And you can deal with the annoying drunk lady. It's annoying. Because I'm sure the annoying drunk lady is sometimes funny and charming. hilarious in the life of the party and whatever. Yeah. But what is not sustainable is him going to mom and the family before he goes to you for what is going to be these major milestones and major decisions. And you need to feel like you have a partner and you need to feel like you have someone

who's in it with you and values your opinion. And that is not sustainable if that doesn't change. I feel like this is a reasonable ask for him. and you, again, step one is get him to acknowledge how it makes you feel without him feeling like he's, this is, it's, because it's not about his family. This is about him. Yeah, at the end of the day, it's about him and his reactions. Yeah. And it's, it's him acknowledging that, yeah, I have a girlfriend who I love, who I, you know, I'm planning on, I'm moving in with and I'm, I think I want to marry her. Who would, who would want, you know, every decision that, you know, every decision that,

that we make as a couple to like, you know, be decided by each other's parents. No one wants that. And I think he's, I'm guessing reasonable enough to acknowledge that. I'm guessing that you probably haven't communicated this in a way. A little bit, but yeah, no, it's a work in progress. The more I say things, I think the more he does realize.

Yeah. But the trick is, it's, I don't know, it's an art form because like every relationship, like he doesn't want to get nagged. You know, so you have to try to communicate you with him without the jab, you know, because he's used to the jab. And he can, he knows how to ignore his mom. And you don't want him to get good at ignoring you. So you don't want to act like mom when you're annoyed, which is to like poke and side comments and things under your breath and just, and, and hope that he responds to you being annoyed. Because I'm guessing his default is to just blow it off, not.

make a whole meal out of it because that's how he's been able to have this relationship with his mom is to not take her obnoxious side all that serious. And so if he's finding you to be annoying and frustrating and not, he's just going to go to good at ignoring you and that's the last thing you want. You want him good at hearing where you're coming from and validating your feelings because like it's a reasonable ask, you know, hey, I want to do this with you. Yeah, exactly. I do sometimes already feel like he says okay, but then nothing really changes. What is he said okay? Are we talking more about her jabs?

Or are we talking about making decisions together? Like him sticking up for me. But maybe if I go in, like you said, more calmer and like this is hurting my feelings. Well, again, I think the sticking up for you and you making decisions together are two different problems. And I think one problem is more important, the other problem. but it sounds like the problem the part that you are more focused on is the one i personally think is less of a problem yeah you think the making the decisions together is more important yeah you

disagree i guess no i get what you were saying i feel like the other problem is the one that bothers me more though so it's more present yeah and it's you know it's on a day-to-day because like that's her personality and she just loves to jab and you guys aren't making big decisions together every day. But when those decisions do happen and you don't feel like you're being included or involved with your life, yeah, it's going to be much harder to get over. If you're planning a wedding and he, you don't feel like it's, you know, or God forbid, you're like, well, I like the name Robin and, you know, I don't know. And she's like, well, it has to be an Irish Catholic name. You're like, well, I don't know. But because she says it should be an Irish.

Catholic name, he will also think that. Okay, well, good for him, but like, that's, that's where you guys have to compromise, you know? But he still has to be interested in your opinion. Like, because mom says so can't be the Trump card. He can agree with his family as much as he wants, but he still is going to have to compromise with you. And you feeling like he is hearing you is, is the part that's not happening. The jab part is, you know, I don't know, you, I think you're more likely, I don't know, you just have to find a way to get on her level. Oh, I do. I make the jabs right back. Well, then it's never going to stop. I mean, you know, if it bothers you that much. It's like, why is she allowed to do it and I can't, though? You do it first?

I'll say it back. Because she doesn't bother her. That's her language. That's how she, that's how she has, you know, that's, she's the, that's her. She doesn't take it personally. I just don't think it's in my personality. But you know what I'm saying? You're playing her game and she's winning. No, you're right. And then she says I'm too sensitive.

In her mind, you are. Feeling is get hurt. But when you fight back and you snark back, she doesn't see you as too sensitive. She sees you as capable of defending yourself. And she likes to play that game. You're going to have to take the high road and actually be like,

listen, it really bothers me. and you're just going to have to look sad when she does that. And it's just to be like, I don't know, it hurt my feelings. And then if she's like, well, you're too sensitive, it would be like, okay, well, I guess I'm sensitive. It still hurts my feelings. And you have to not fight back because it's the moment you fight back, she's just like, oh, no, she can handle it.

Yeah. No, you're right. I really think being able to make decisions with him is way more important. Yeah. No, you're right. So I'll have that conversation. I don't think we need to break up yet. No, you're right, you're right.

I just needed to hear that, though, because I was like, do I want to deal with this? Well, you don't want to deal with it, but I think you have to, you know, listen, everyone needs to be coached and everyone needs to be molded a little bit and no one's a finished product. You just have to know he has the potential to value your opinion as much as he clearly values his family. Right now, technically, you're not his family, so his default is to just, you know, family first. Yeah. But you, like, and that's when you're talking to him, it's more like, again, like, it's the whole understanding where he's coming from. I get it.

Your family is really important to you. I love that your family is important to you. I've dated enough of guys where they weren't family-oriented, and I love the relationship to be able to your family, and I think it's really great, and I love spending time with them. But sometimes it makes me feel like it's more important than my opinion about our life. and I would love you to work on that. And when it does happen,

I would be very careful how you bring it up in the moment. Or maybe go, you know, when you're making a decision, you know, it's just like, I don't know, you're not going to go apartment shopping again, but whenever something comes up again that you guys are making a decision together, you can say, hey, can we, I want to do this with you.

And if we want your family as input, can we decide together before we FaceTime mom or sister and I just want to you know can we I want to feel like we're doing this together can we do this together yeah I want to decide with him and then we can decide if we need more before you go into whatever that situation is

you got to put in the ask don't wait for him to fuck up and then you make your like remarks that make him defensive and hopefully that will look on it yeah listen it's annoying because like this you know, you just want it to stop and you feel right and how you feel and it's totally valid and right now. But you're you're playing her game. This is helpful? Very. Thank you so much.

No, it really was because like I'm in a different perspective now. Yeah. I mean, listen, the good news is they clear like she sounds like she likes you. It's just she's just this I know that I know the type, you know, like she. She's hard on me. Yeah. But she wouldn't be hard on you if she didn't think you could take it. And I'm guessing she's hard on a lot of people in her family. It's just like you're not used to this. It's not how you would want a relationship with your mother-in-law. Yeah.

But if you want, you know, she probably has a heart. And if she thought that she was really hurting your feelings, I'm guessing she would tone it down. Yeah, she definitely, like, I joke around the law too. So she definitely thinks I could take it. But then I have a sensitive side. You have to show that a little bit more. I'll be more sensitive instead of sliding back.

Well, I'd love an update on how this goes. Yeah. Maybe after the move in, more decisions with you made. Yeah. And honestly, maybe come up with something, I don't know. Maybe you're, you know, you have to go buy a couch or your furniture shopping or whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

That's no apartment. A lot of furniture. So when you do, hey, let's go furniture. If you're sending them photos of it. No, but when you do, that's when you put in the ass, but like, hey, can we do this together? if you know I would like to make this decision with you and if you want if we want to get your family's input can we make that decision together before you just go and ask them what they think before you ask me what I think I just want to feel like we make this together and then you can

kind of explain why because overall like you know right now I know you don't mean it I know it's because your family's close and I know you value their opinion and that's great but it just right now makes me feel like I'm not involved in these decisions as much as they're involved. And I just want to feel like you care about what I want. Yeah. Yeah, it's nothing against them at the end of the day. I just do feel like he values their opinions more than mine sometimes. It's his default.

Yeah, it's his default. Yeah. It's all he's known. And you guys are the same age and he probably just subconsciously assumes that his indecisiveness is you share indecisiveness. So he's like, he probably thinks he's doing you, you two a favor by asking his family. And you just need to remind him that like,

no, no, no, no, I want to do, you know, even if we get it wrong, I want to make sure that I want to feel like we do this together. Because at least we're doing it together. Yeah. So true. All right. Good luck.

Well, I appreciate it. I appreciate you. Go have some fun. Thank you so much. On vacation. I'll try. All right. Bye.

All right. Take care, bye, bye. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Nicole. Hi, Nicole. How can I help? Oh, how old are you? 33. How can I help?

So my question I would want to discuss would be how do I distinguish between legitimate red flags over my fear of anxiety of self-sabotaging and getting hurt. Okay. Can you give me some examples of what you're weighing? So my most recent example would have been I was dating the sky. He had a girl best friend, which is okay. with me, I had a lot of guy best friends. But then he would consistently lie about when he was with her and say, it was, oh, it was just because I don't want to hurt you. So I took it as a red flag. Yeah, great. But then he kept telling me I was self-sabotaging and I'm going to ruin it myself. And I just think he was gaslighting. Yeah. No, it sounds like you're, why is he lying? Who knows why? He said he was because he didn't want me to be hurt. He thought he knew what he thought

I would get mad. Did he give you a chance to get mad? No. He just would always lie better. Like, why did he assume that you can't, you know? And it's like, first of all, like, yeah, it's weird that he's assuming that you would get mad. And second of all, like, why that doesn't justify lying. So are you, I'm assuming you're not dating him anymore? Yeah, no. Okay.

No. So now I'm just saying, see as a whole, my sister said, my sister's the one that recommended me to talk to you. Okay. And she said, you give great advice. And she said, how should I just as a whole? because I haven't had the best, I guess, picking of guys. And she said, I let red flags go and how do I know it's a red flag in general? I mean, first of all, I just like, I want you to acknowledge that you made the right decision with this last guy.

And you didn't allow someone who was showing obvious red flags to convince you that those weren't red flags. Okay. Thank you. Do you have another example when you maybe. ignored a red flag that you realized was a red flag? It makes me sound stupid. Yeah, I'd differ red flag when time. Did they do it?

Like, I'm very empathetic. They know how to, like, hook me, and then they, like, do the red flag. But this guy told me his mom was dead. A whole detailed story, how she died. But while pregnant with him in a car accident, this, that, the third, the woman was alive and well. Okay. And then after you found out, she was like,

alive. I still talk to him. Okay. Yeah, that's how long ago was that? That was now like five, six years ago, luckily. Okay. So then I stopped dating for like two years before this recent guy. Because that like fucked you up? No, well, it was that one and then another one. Yeah. And then I was like, I'm just done dating. Have you only met guys who were lying to you? Pretty much. Like, have you ever heard like the three month rule how like they can't lie after three months? Like people like for three months act one way. and then they like, I feel like lied for the whole three months years ago. I'm not familiar with a three month rule. Oh, it's like a thing.

Like they say someone can't pretend who they are for more than three months. So like give a relationship at least three months to learn who they fully are. My past two, that's happened. Like at the three month mark, they start just changing everything that like they said they wanted or what they liked. And then it's completely different. Well, the two examples you gave me are pretty, I don't want to say, extreme but yeah they're pretty well yeah those ones are yeah so i guess like my like the middle example of that would be just like acting like they liked my personality i'm from new jersey i say it

how it is i'm blunt and then like like liking that for three months and then after three months like telling me to be quiet in front of like my own parents like you shouldn't say that like stuff like that like what gave me an example of something maybe you i don't even believe like i could just rag on my parents or say what I want in front of my family as I would as if I'm with a friend, I could like curse, make a joke. And then, like, the person, like, did not like that anymore. And they thought it was weird. Well, that's a little different.

That is just someone getting to know you and then realizing, I don't know. I think a lot of times really in dating where someone does something, it's new. They have an experience. They're like, oh, she's a little edgy. That's fun. And then a couple months go by, they're like, no, she really does this a lot. And I honestly, not a fan. And I don't like it.

And that's kind of just dating. That's more normal than someone literally lying to you about their parent or this best friend who's a girl. I mean, in general, like, I think it's cool that people can be friends with the opposite sex. And you're 33, right? Like, so you're, I'm assuming you're dating men around your age. Yeah. Like, these are adult men. And I don't think adult people, if they want to be in a committed serious relationship, should be?

be investing a great deal of energy in time trying to still fit in their friend of the opposite sex with their lifestyle. I mean, you know, like that, maybe they're ready for a relationship, you know, and if someone is like, you know, if you're dating someone, start dating, I'm like, oh, I got this girl breast friend. I don't think you immediately be like, well, that's, that's not happening. I think it would be fair to you, for you to ask, well, what does that like friendship look like? And, you know, let's assuming you're dating someone for a month and you realize that they got a friend.

And in the first month, you guys are like, you know, it's all the butterflies. You're like, you're really excited. You're both being like, oh, I feel like I know you forever. And I really like where this goes. And like, I think I want to date you. By the way, I have this friend with the opposite sex. I think it would be fair for you to ask, what kind of relationship are you hoping to have with them? You know, it's like, oh, well, we go out to dinner once a week.

It's like, well, you still plan on going out to dinner once a week with this? Like, what are we doing here? I think it's okay for you to, like, say no to some things, you know? Because, again, like, I think a lot of, especially adults when they have friends of the opposite sex, it might be completely potonic. There might not be any, like, romantic feelings. But they're still playing the role. They're playing a partial role that a partner would otherwise play.

You know, it's like when I was single and I had like my, like a lot of girlfriends, like we would go out to dinner and, you know, we would talk about the people who were dating, but like when I got a girlfriend, I was like, I'm going out to dinner with my girlfriend, you know, maybe there was a coffee meet up to, you know, check, you know, maybe. But like, if, if you're serious about someone and spending the rest of their life with them, you want to invest that time in that person. And if they're, if you're, if you constantly feel like you're fighting for time with your new boyfriend and their girl best friend,

then that doesn't sound to me like someone who's really interested in investing their energy into this relationship. They're like more trying you out. Then it's just like, well, how involved is this best friend? You know, it's just like, I don't know many platonic relationships of the opposite sex where like the thing they talk about the most is their dating life. And it's like, I, you know, like I didn't sign up for you to have a girl best friend to you to like, you know, complain about me when, you know, like, it's more about like,

how hard are they fighting to maintain the status quo? Of the friend. Well, yeah. Yeah. Oh, if they've been single for a while, it makes a lot of sense they have girlfriends. Like, thank God they can have girlfriends. Like, man, you weren't, you know, it's like, if you're not been around women in the five years, you've been single.

But if they are serious about meeting someone and serious about, like, you know, I'm assuming, like, you want to settle down and get married and. and have like a life partner and make decisions together. Yes. Well, that requires a lot of commitment and a lot of sacrifice. And it requires a lot of like, I'm choosing to invest most of my emotional relationship energy into this relationship. Because it, you know, and even like times with the boys has to like take a slight backseat,

you know, if they're trying to fit you into their life without making it, you know, without being excited about wanting to prioritize the relationship, that's definitely a red flag. Yeah, I'm just like, it's all a red flag. Yeah, I think some of these red flags that, well, the good news is you're getting better at seeing them and not overlooking them. Yeah. What type of men are you dating? I mean, I don't really have like a type, but it's very general.

I wouldn't even call them men. I guess I called them boys at this point. Are they sometimes younger than you? I've never dated someone younger than me now. My sister told me I should try. I don't think they're any more mature. Either do I. I mean, unless you find the right one, great.

No, yeah, they're usually older my age. Have you ever met a guy that you felt like what that, that you have no reason to think they weren't generally just an honest person and maybe you didn't like them or it just didn't work out because maybe it just didn't work out? Like gone on a date and just didn't like someone? No, I mean like someone you dated for a while, you like them, maybe had like a mini relationship or a natural relationship. And they,

they were just like maybe not your person, but they weren't like. Yeah. Okay. You have had that. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

And you decide you don't like them. Yeah. Yeah. So I guess why are you focused on, I mean, again, like we all meet bad people. We all meet liars.

But like, I'm just, from your standpoint, do you feel like you are giving the liars a disproportionate? disproportionate amount of opportunities compared to the people you yeah like I attract liars or like yeah I don't know yeah I don't know what do you think not a track I think it's just I'm very empathetic person and somehow like they say like narcissists and liars know that and they kind of

just racked on to you sure but I'm just like I don't think there's as many narcissists as the internet claims and you know oh I agree with that I agree and I'm sure you're empathetic but I don't and you're not like a walking, you know, like a, with a target on your back, be like, this is a gullible person. Sometimes I feel that way, but no, hopefully not. Outside of those two examples, do you have more? Or I guess not even red flags, like how to, there's a lot of like love bombing, like how to. When you say love bombed, what do you mean?

Like someone that, when they first meet you, want to be with you, 24-7, act like they're in love with you and then just totally switch it like and that's not love bombing okay so what's love bombing love bomb well technically love bombing um the actual term is when someone is like they're you know they're actually saying i love you oh well yeah that happened too no no hold on it's not you the intent is to try to manipulate you with those words like they are deliberately doing it because they plan they want something else to return sex or whatever they just you know they it's coercion right they they are aware that the weight of the words or their actions and how it will affect you and they're deliberately doing it to get something from you right yeah that's that's actually love bombing

okay love bombing is not someone who's maybe a little immature gets excited because they met a pretty girl and you know they got the love goggles on and everyone is again is to your point kind of meeting their representative uh not the actual person and everyone's on their best behavior and they're they're just excited right so they're looking the other way and then as you kind of pointed out you guys kind of slowly get to know each other maybe in some cases you're your your crass mouth or your sarcastic humor or whatever it is with your family you do something it kind of rubs them the wrong way and they're like, ah, you know, I'm just definitely less excited. Someone having a change of heart or feelings changing is not love bombing. It's more being emotionally immature

and getting ahead of themselves. So to protect yourself in those instances is to recognize that despite being excited, you know, and you're old enough to know the difference, you know, you can meet a guy, he can be really excited about you. And it doesn't matter how, it doesn't matter how hot he is or how rich he is or what is what he looks like on paper doesn't matter how excited he is doesn't matter what he says doesn't matter if you both are like i feel like you've known i've known you forever like none of that actually beats just time spent together so if you meet a guy and it's all going great in the first three weeks it's just like man he's just like man this is great i have like no i guess i'm looking you know he maybe brings in his own relationship trauma to the relationship he's

I'm looking for the problem. You know, I can't find it. You're perfect. And you're just like, well, you know, we'll see. You need to be able to recognize that despite your excitement, that you still don't know each other. And then you have to be the person, you know, if they're not willing to be, to say, listen,

let's just enjoy what we have now. And you can kind of almost joke. Be like, listen, like, you know, I'm glad you love me, but like, or I'm glad you're really excited about me. I'm glad you really like me. But like, you're old enough to know. you can be that pragmatic person who's like, we're going to get on each other's nerves,

and I just, like, let's just take our time. Because that's just going to get a guy to like you more, quite frankly. Don't, not to be so easily, like, all it takes is for them to show a little bit of excitement and a little bit of planning for the future for you to be like, oh, my God, this is great. You know, you can be the pragmatic person

and be like, you know, we're not there yet. I'm not so sure. That makes them more focused on what they have to do to get you to be more sure. you know, when they're like, hey, let's, I got, you know, what are you doing for Christmas? You know, you should come spend Christmas with my family. You've been together for two months since July. And you're just like, yeah, it's amazing.

And then you're like, I'm so excited, you know, like, well, and then you can kind of, you get wrapped up and, and they're pitch, you know. And in the meantime, like, you guys are still getting to know each other. And then, you know, August, September roll around. And they're like, I don't, I probably shouldn't have maybe asked her to go Christmas with me. I don't know, you know, because now, right, that just puts a lot of pressure on both people, right? So instead of, you know, in scenario one, he really likes you. You really like him.

Everything's going great. You're six weeks, two months into a relationship. He's so excited about you. He's just like, yo, I know this is crazy, but like, what are you doing for Christmas? And you're like, I don't know. It's July. And you're just like, listen, your family seems great. I'm really excited to meet them.

But, like, I just don't know, like, we've only been dating for two months, and, like, this is going really great, but let's just, let's put a pin in it. Because, you know, we don't know each other that well yet. And that's going to make him, and that, you know, assuming he's not crazy and he has some emotional maturity, he's going to be like, fair enough, you know. But, like, think about it, you know. You know, when, you know, and that way, he still has something to prove. He's more thinking about making sure that, you know, you like him, as opposed to option B, you're just like, oh my God, really?

You want me to come for Christmas already? You love me. Oh, my God. You're obsessed with me. Like, oh, my God. He's like, yeah, no, I am. Totally. Right?

And then now he's just like, I asked her to go to Christmas. She's super excited. That's all she talks about. And then two months go by. And then, you know, I don't know, you guys start getting more. comfortable with being your true selves and you start, you know, doing stuff and you rub them the wrong way. And he's just like, fuck, I don't know. Like, I'm not even sure I feel about her. And she's already planning on coming for Christmas. And then he feels all this pressure, right? And the

pressure he feels is, you know, isn't to get you to like him. It's to being like, I think I over, I think I over committed here. And now he's looking for an extra strategy. So much depends on how you handled that conversation and you give up your power when you just say yes to all these offers and all these future plans and all these like fantasies and playing house and you're just like yeah I mean if you're willing to do it I am willing to come you know and then it makes it seem like all you care about is just being liked as opposed to you being like yeah I like you so far but like I still have standards and you have like we don't know how we'll see how it goes it it's it's you maintain your power because now he's still trying to make sure that he is doing the right

things and make, you know, does that make sense? Yeah, 100%. And if I had a guess, you're doing more of B right now. I'm just saying yes. Yeah. Yeah. And just assume that they're good for it. Yeah.

You know, you know that you've met a guy you've really been really excited about in the first four weeks and then two weeks later you get the ick and you're like, right? Oh, for sure. And I'm sure maybe you've got excited about him and you even maybe try, like, do you think you were love bombing him? Or did you just like change your mind? No, I just like changed my mind. Yeah, I think it goes both ways, right?

Again, I just think everyone gets excited and everyone gets ahead of themselves when they get really excited. That's normal. It's not, it's not, that's not manipulation. It's certainly not love bombing. What about when the person, though, like, when they are trying to get you to tell, like, make me say I love them. Is that like a bombing manipulation?

It really comes down to the intent. You know, what do you think their intentions are? Like, when did that happen? Oh, this last guy. The liar. Yeah, the one with the girl with the liar. Yeah, he was just right, like, the third date, like, said he loved me and I could tell he was trying to get me to say it.

How do you mean? What do you mean? He was just, like, saying things. And I was like, I think you want me to say something. And he's like, well, yeah. And then, like, I didn't say it that night, but like... Well, first of all, anyone who says I love you after three days doesn't love you. It sounds...

It's fun to say. It's an emotionally charged word. At your age, I mean, you're still young, but like you're an adult. And at your age when you're... Well, that's why I take it as like love bomb. I thought it was love bombing type. Or I guess there's a different word for it. I think it's just being immature.

Immature, yeah. Yeah. It's someone who's just immature or just like people or someone who likes to play house. and they like, they just like the work because it feels good. You know, in the future when that happens, if someone says, I love you three days, you'd be like, I would just confidently be like, no, you don't. I'm glad you like me.

I mean, I get why you're super into me. You know, you can have some fun with it. Be charming, be like, you know, I get it, but you don't love me. You don't know me yet. And I don't want you. So like, I don't, that's, you should call it out confidently as like something that's kind of not an acceptable

behavior. I wouldn't like chastise them, but you could just be like, no, you don't. That guy was obviously a mess and kind of a walk. red flag so it kind of made sense you know at this stage in your life you have to have a generally good idea of what are healthy what what what feels normal and healthy and like at a good pace and what feels like you guys are being 18 right because if he was 18 when you if you guys

were 18 and he was saying this you just chalk it up to young love and not knowing better he should know better when you're dating out there and a 33 year old or 38 year old guy, acts like an 18 year old boy, red flag. You know. And if he's telling you, he's loved you after three days, he's definitely told someone else.

He's loved them after a short period of time as well. You seem wonderful. But no one, like, you know what I'm saying? No one falls in love actually that quickly. You can feel it. It can be excited.

It can feel unbelievable, but you still don't know them. And, you know, this is my opinion when it comes to, like real love, the love that we say that we want when it comes to like saying I do and starting a family is knowing who they are and knowing their faults. And when you say I love you, you're not saying, oh, I love all your great qualities. You're saying, I love you entirely. When a guy says, I love you to you, you have to feel confident that he has seen your bad sides,

that he has seen how you are with your family and your bad habits and your, your, your, your, whatever it is, your messiness. You are fully aware of your shortcomings. And when we all date, we definitely try to mask them a little bit. You know, they eventually come out in the end. But for you to feel truly loved by someone is for them to have seen those things. And for them to be like, yeah, that's kind of annoying. But, you know, whatever, you know, I still love her and she's great and she makes me happy.

And yeah, I wish she wouldn't do that. like, whatever, until you feel like a man has seen that side of you and still accepts you and then says, you know what, I love you, then you can trust that. And if a guy says that before that, most likely he's just really emotionally immature and he wants that instant gratification or, you know, he doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand that he needs to get to know you. The labels really mean a lot less to me. Like, nowadays it gets so obsessed.

Love bomb, who cares what the technical term is. You just know, you should know at this stage of dating that a guy saying, I love you, that early, is just him, you know, caring more about how it feels to hear the word than actually how he feels about you. And that should be the red flag. And doesn't mean you have to, like, cut and run, but you have to be able to call it out in a way that doesn't make him feel inadequate. And then have them go, yeah, you're, yeah, you're right.

That's fair. You know, I'm, listen, I just really like you. I'm just really excited about you. And I think I just got ahead of myself. That's, okay, normal response. That's fair. We're all human. We've all, that can even feel good.

Yeah, no. But yeah, we definitely need to get to know each other. And then that's an opportunity to be like, yeah, no, listen, I have, I'm not, I know it seems like I'm perfect, but I am not. You know, and then hopefully that gives like a little bit of a window for both you to start feeling more comfortable to be yourselves. and show a little bit of glimpses of who you actually are so that they can have, so they can accept that person for who you are. Yeah.

Thoughts, feelings, concerns? No, I think what you're saying is like accurate. It's 100% right. Does it feel manageable for you to start doing? Like when I'm saying this stuff, are you picturing moments that you've had with men in your past that you've dated where you could have said or done something

a little bit different than what you did? it. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And just take things slow and what you said, kind of like making a joke. Like, you don't love me. Yeah. You're charming. Just you, the important thing. And it sounds like you already got this because you demonstrated this with the last guy is you need to know what is healthy behavior and what is immature behavior. Yeah. And when you experience immature behavior with some of these men you're dating, you have to have the confidence to call it out and not let them convince you that you're crazy. Yeah, and not, I'm making it up. No, the trick is to, like, when you call it out, to not make them feel inadequate, you know, you know, you don't want to

call them immature and you don't want to be like, you're fucking weird. That's where the charming part comes in. Like, I get it. I'm amazing. I get why you're, you know, you're super into me, but we don't really know each other yet. And then their response to that should be an acknowledgement to you being a mature adult and then acknowledging that you're right. I just, just got a little head of myself, forgive me. You're great. I'm really excited. But sorry for getting ahead of myself.

But you're right. Let's talk about Christmas in November. And we'll see if we're still dating. And it's okay for you to say, I'm really excited about you, but like I'm unsure about this yet, you know, not because of what you've shown me so far that I don't know you. We don't know each other. And that's like, I want to get to know you. And if a guy makes you feel crazy or.

tries to make you second guess what you know is healthy behavior and tries to pitch you on why the immature behavior is the right way, then that's an immediate like, you know what, you're not my guy. I'm not 18 anymore. I don't have the time to convince you why you are sounding like an 18 year old and not a 33 year old. And maybe, and you didn't sign up to coach someone that much. You think it's manageable? I think so. I have problem. connecting with people, so we'll see. What do you mean? Liking someone in a romantic way is hard for me, like connecting in that way.

Harder than most people? Like what, you know, like I... I don't know, yeah. Like, even my, I know it's my guy friend, but my guy friend always says, too, like, he, I just don't like people that way. Like, I like people as friends. Well, I guess what I get... People say that kind of stuff a lot, and I'm always kind of like, well, what do you,

do you want to be in love with everyone? You know, like, you know, you go on 20 dates. if you only kind of liked one, I think that would be normal. Are you supposed to be in love with everyone? No, no. I mean, you know, like if we want it to be special and if we want it to be unique

and if we want it to feel like it's something worth fighting for and something worth making sacrifices for and keep investing and keep working at, like that you should, it should be hard to find. It is. Exactly. Yeah.

But, yeah. But like, you're like labeling yourself is in, like, there's something wrong with you. You know, I'm sure you're unique like everyone else. You have certain preferences, you know, not everyone's your cup of tea. There's a lot more people out there. You're like, yeah, you seem like a cool, hey, let's be friends. I don't know if I want to marry you or have kids with you. Like, I don't think that makes you like some sort of like, yeah, well, you have a, you know,

something wrong with you that you're more difficult than the average person this guy friend I'm curious was there ever a romantic element to it no no he's he's known me like my whole I've lived in LA almost 11 years

he's just known me the whole time through like my I lost a bunch of weight I was fat I was skinny he like has just known my whole and how much is your weight fluctuation affected your confidence when it comes to dating. Well, I like, not to sound

anyway, I like still got guys when I was fat. Period. So, not much. Okay. Yeah, not much. Okay, great. So that was that to do with the best friend? No, I just mean like he always brings it up, like he thinks, I guess

brings it up and thinks he's like, no, he's like, I've seen you at all your different stuff with all your different dating and I guess he thinks I should have more confidence now with it. And I guess I don't. I don't know. Do you think you don't have confidence? when it comes to dating? I don't know.

That's a good question. I feel like it's back for it. I guess it depends on the stage of dating you're in. It doesn't sound like you have confidence that you can find men that are interested in getting to know you and are attracted to you. You know, or you don't have, it doesn't sound like you lack the confidence.

Oh, no. I know men are attracted to get on the apps to try to set up a date. Like you can get dates, right? Yeah. So you're confident there. And that's such a big part of the confidence, you know, because a lot of people don't feel that way. You know, some people are very, you know, they haven't had a lot of luck.

They, you know, dating, they feel like they've, they can't even get a first date. And if they get lucky, you get their first date, they never get a second date. And they really get in their head about, you know, how people receive them. It doesn't seem that's your issue. Yeah, no. And to me, when it comes to confidence in dating, it's such a big part of it. your is more like you know yours seems like just trying to navigate a lot of emotionally immature people while you're also trying to navigate how you feel about someone while you're trying to get to

know them and that can and that just can just it's naturally can get pretty confusing pretty fast right you're trying to get to know someone he's demonstrating some immaturity by being you know by moving too quickly and moving too fast. And the only thing you don't have the confidence in, if there's a confidence thing, is to know that you are correct and feeling like things are moving too quickly, assuming that's how you feel.

Yeah. Yeah, to me, it's just more, you being confident knowing that this is, no matter how great you are, that knowing can be that sure that quickly. and he still has a lot to get to know you and you would know that because you know you, right? Yeah.

And he's going to, his, his feelings and opinion of you is going to evolve. Right? Like if you've been hanging out with someone for a month, they are going to think differently about you one way or the other five months later. they might be in love then or pretty close to in love or they might hate your fucking guts right but you are definitely going to show them more of who you are in those next four months so they're saying they love you this quickly is you just again it's the confidence of knowing that's not true and

and then not taking this excitement as a sign of anything other than they're being a little little They're getting a little head of themselves. Yeah, a lot of head of themselves. So, yeah. I mean, that sounds like the biggest thing maybe to try to work on. And in the meantime, just... Because, yeah, keep getting out there, like, dating so much, it's like taking your abats and getting your swings.

And then when you start liking someone and you feel like they like you back, that's the time to just maybe have that conversation with yourself or your sister or whoever and just be like, all right, what have I done in the past? What do I want to do in the future? I do like him. Seems like he really likes me. So I want to take it slow. And if he tries to move things along,

then just try to slow it down and explain why without making him feel like he's weird or an idiot. And hopefully he acknowledges what you pointed out, which is like, yeah, you're probably right. I'm just really excited. So sorry for getting hit him myself. And then if not, if he tries to gaslight you or make you feel stupid,

then you know that's probably not your guy. Yeah, and that's my answer with that anyway. Well, keep us updated. I would love to see how things progress for you. Hopefully something good. I don't think you are, what was the phrase, you're self-sabotaging. Unless there's another example that you have.

No, I mean, I. It was him telling you yourself sabotaging, and you'd be like, I don't know, maybe I am I? Yeah. Yeah, no, that's, again, the only thing that maybe you lack the confidence is confidence in knowing what's appropriate mature behavior versus, you know, inappropriate and immature behavior early in a relationship.

But it seems like deep down you know the difference. Yeah, I guess, yeah, just putting it into action in the moment. Was this helpful? Yeah. Yeah. Well, Cuba's updated. I'd love to see how things go. Thank you so much.

I appreciate your call. Thank you. Good luck. You too. Bye. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hey, Nick.

It's going okay. My name is Jasmine. I'm 35 years old. And I need help figuring out how I can stop begging my partner for the bare minimum. Okay. Tell me more. So we have a two and a half year old daughter together. We've been living together for a year.

We were never really together. And we just happened upon a living situation where we thought it made sense to move in together to help him financially, to help me financially. But really, it kind of feels like now I have to do everything in the house. So I think you guys call it being like the preferred parent. So where I used to kind of have a couple nights to myself and she would be with him, I no longer have that.

and I do all the grocery shopping. I do all the cleaning and the cooking. And I feel like I need to get angry for him to kind of start helping out around the house a little bit. When you say you're never really together, what do you mean? Essentially, we met when he was a line cook and I was a server. So tragic story. He was in a relationship. I was also kind of seeing someone, both those things ended on their own separately of us having a child.

altogether. So we were never boyfriend, girlfriend, anything like that. So you hooked up one night and got pregnant? Pretty much. A couple times and then got pregnant, but yes. Sure. But a vet, yeah.

It wasn't the first time. So you were at best maybe in a situation ship when you guys got pregnant. Right. And then after you got pregnant, what do those conversations look like between the two of you? It was pretty difficult. There was, I would say, a lot of games kind of on both sides. I was trying to date someone.

He didn't like that, but he wasn't willing to leave his situation. The person I was dating did not like him for obvious reasons. So it was, I mean, I would say pretty toxic turbulent time. Are you guys even together now? Were you just like cohabitating? You see, it's difficult. I wouldn't even say we're together. I mean, we go out to eat and we take our daughter places,

but I don't consider myself in a relationship. I'm working a job and a half and being a mom, I don't care to date. I don't care to go out. I don't go to the bars. I'm not on dating apps. I'm just trying essentially to survive. Yeah. So we do still are intimate with each other every once in a while, which I think is an added layer of complexity.

Definitely. Complex. Yeah. You're going about it all the wrong way, probably. But I feel like you know that. I do know that and I just are things I need to be able to move out I mean in today's economy

you know you think it's easier to be with a roommate and split bills yeah so that's kind of what I was doing is it better I struggle alone well I don't know so one no doubt I'm sure your daughter is a blessing to you and I'm sure you're thrilled to be a mom but I think you need to but but I guess my point is it's obviously a challenge. It's very expensive.

It can be very scary, especially in your situation where you're like, am I doing this by myself? Do I have someone? How do you feel like he is as a dad? You feel good about that? Just like to do your daughter. I mean,

I'm not talking about how helpful he is. I mean, I wish he engaged more because I'm quote unquote, the preferred parent. What do you mean? What do you mean my preferred parent? I mean, if we're home,

she wants mommy. She wants mommy to play with her. She wants mommy to get her milk. She wants mommy to put her to bed. Yeah, yeah. wants mommy to get her toys. But he doesn't make it fun. I have to coach him like, oh, daddy's a bear. He's going to give you a bear hug with the tab. Well, there's a little, yeah, listen, I mean, you know, boys will be boys. Listen, I think I'm a great dad. But when it comes to that stuff,

that's where Natalie really shines. And she is certainly, in your words, the preferred parent. I think most moms with their young babies are. There's this, you guys have a connection that I think that's something fathers have to grow into as their kids get older and they get more mature, you know, they're capable of like bonding more where I think moms just have that organic true connection. And as good as the dad as I think I am, I'm, you know, I'm an aloof person in my head. My default isn't, I'm not a goofy guy, you know, it's not my go-to. I'm so grateful that I have my wife to encourage me to be more playful and find my goofy side. And I really appreciate that about her.

I'm sure she wish she didn't have to remind me as much as she does. But there's a little bit of like, that's a little bit of like that's kind of life, right? But let's table all that for now. Right now, you are co-parenting with someone you're not in a relationship with. You have enough of comfort and it's like good enough. occasionally you have sex because like you're both kind of there. It sounds like there's at least enough of mutual respect. It's not like, doesn't sound like it's overly toxic or, you know, miserable or, it's just not, it sounds like it's very confusing for you because there's really no defined roles and

there's not defined expectations and neither of you really know what you want with each other and you're making the most of it. It sounds like based off of financial decisions, which makes a lot of sense. I think for you, you need to kind of like take a step back, right? And it's going to require some honest conversations with yourself and with your co-parent. Step one is you need to, you know, just have a very, you need to, you need to figure out what you can do. Like how much, like, I understand that life's expensive. These times it's not easy for anyone.

but are you capable of living on your own? And what would that look like? And is it possible? Now, no doubt it might be harder and it might be more difficult. You might have to, I don't know, what is your support system look like? Do you have help with family members? Are there, are you alone? Like, what's your situation look like?

I actually have a pretty good support system and I was living alone while, well, I had a roommate while I was pregnant, then moved out on my own, moved in with an aunt just to again try to save some money. She was very particular for having a cat and a small child. So I've done it before and it's a grind. I mean, I still feel like I'm grinding. No doubt. How old are you again? How old are you again? I'm 35. Okay. So you're super young. You have a lot of life to live. And right now you're putting your whole life on hold for this situation you're trying to make work. Right. And so I guess you just need to understand your options. And maybe a lot of your options aren't going to be perfect or ideal.

But right now your current situation is getting you nowhere. And there's no end in sight because, you know, I guess one question is like, do you see a future with this guy at all? It's like, what do you think? Do you love them? I wouldn't say I'm in love because it's hard to love someone when you don't feel appreciated and all of that. I think part of my problem is going to him and saying, I don't think this is working.

And because I feel like once I tell him I can't live there or don't want to live there anymore, it's going to be, well, what am I? So he kind of likes to play victim. What am I supposed to do? I don't know. I mean, you're, he's not. I just don't want to turn into his enemy. Yeah.

I mean, I get that. But you're two adults in an adult situation, you guys have to figure it out. You just have to have a talk. And it's kind of two separate conversations. Again, first, I think it's really important that you understand your options, whatever those are. And knowing that maybe in the short term, none of your options might be like, oh, perfect, perfect situation. The goal for you right now is to get yourself out of this endless gray area and find a path forward, whatever that is. Maybe it's a path forward with him.

Maybe it's a path forward without him. And you need to sit him down and be like, listen, like, let's just be honest. Like, do we love each other? Do we want to make this work? Do we want a relationship with each other? like no there's no wrong answer you would just you have to take the pressure off both of you and just be like let's just be real with each other i know we have this daughter together we are we are connected probably for the rest of our lives certainly for the next 16 17 years but like right we're going to do

the best for our daughter but like let's just focus on ourselves right now do we want to be with each other yes or no you both need to answer that question to each other right if the answer is yes then you need to talk about how you guys change your dynamic, you know, what are your expectations? What do you need from a partner? What would you like? Maybe he has expectations, and you guys have to find if there's some common ground there. If there is some common ground, then you guys need to prioritize, prioritizing this relationship and, you know, the date nights or whatever, you need to connect, and you need to bond and find out if there's love there, you know, and hold each other accountable. Yeah, that's a difficult part. There's really no, like, dating or,

I mean, we didn't really even date before. Well, that's what, but you get, it's, if I'm hearing you correctly, it sounds like you guys have never really, you guys just, you got pregnant, life moved fast, you, you made some quick decisions, you guys were both probably in survival mode. You tried to date other people. Then it was like, I guess, I don't know, we have this kid together, fuck it, let's just move in, we like each other enough, you know. And then you guys just accepted this new reality, which is like this, again, this endless gray

area of like I don't know where I stand with my my co-parent but right now I'm just focusing on my daughter which makes a lot of sense but I think you can accomplish both at the same time but it does require you guys getting on the same page and having that conversation about like what do we what do we want there's no wrong answer do we want do we want to try to make this work and be a family and if not I'm not like it's I might be sad it might be disappointed but I would rather us both be happy and a relationship with whoever they are and still be good parents to our daughter. The expectation is no matter what we decide, we're going to be parents to our daughter. You know, I mean, you might be a better parent or whatever, you know, and you'll have to

figure that out if you guys go your separate ways. But you just get, you have to decide what you guys want. You guys don't even, you don't know what he wants. You don't even know what you want. There's no reason for you guys to plan date nights because you're both like, I don't I don't know. I mean, we live together. We're here because they're co-parents.

Like, you know, Nelly and I are married, right? like, you know, there's the ground, we have twins. It's, you know, it's like it's, it's so easy to kind of just get lost every day. And, you know, and we as a merry couple have to be like, you know what, I haven't connected with my wife in a while. I haven't connected with my husband. We are intentional about it. We, because we're married.

And so, like, we know that we, it is a priority for us to, like, stay connected. So, you know, you guys don't have that. You don't have an expectation of this relationship. They're not, you're not even boyfriend and girlfriend. There's no, there's no expectation for you guys that connect. And it's hard enough. for couples and relationships who have an expectation to be a couple and still connect. You guys don't even have that.

So I don't fault either of you for not doing whatever it is. You know, you both might be waiting on the other person to do something, but there is just no shared expectation of what you guys want for each other as an individual outside of being parents. And that is step one is getting on the same page. There's no wrong answer, but you need to come with a decision. I think that's good clarity. I feel like I have a shared expectation. I guess I'm sharing with myself that we're kind of in this together and managing this household together and he's on the

expectation of sometimes he's just kind of there. Like I'm cooking, I'm cleaning, I'm engaging with my daughters. Like we're doing all these things around this person. Yeah, but like he's there's no expectation. He's just like, I don't know, I got this roommate. She splits the rent with me. And again, like his, he's, listen, I'm not trying to make excuses for this guy, but like, he's, you know, He's clearly a dude who got a girl pregnant and didn't know what to do and wasn't sure how he felt about her, wasn't even sure how she felt about him. And now he's just kind of like whoever he was as a man, you know, that he's just being this man. And there's no expectation from you that's communicated that you guys have to each other that he needs to be a better version of himself in order to make this work. He doesn't even know if you want him.

Yeah. You know? So like what's what's what's his motivation? I guess it's just yeah. So you guys just need to get on the same page. I think I'm kind of scared to bring this up. Why? I mean, listen, the clear, you know, clarity is the thing you don't have and clarity is the thing you need the most. Because again, you are going nowhere fast. You're only 35. But if you don't change your dynamic, you could easily quickly be 40 in the exact same situation and then 45. and you just kind of, you have a roommate that you're co-parents with, and your dating life has passed you by. And your opportunity to meet someone that you really can, and his opportunity to meet someone is lost. And you both deserve.

Yeah, he's much older than I am. So it's. How much older? He's 48. He just turned 48. Okay. Well, a bit of a red flag there that he's, he clearly is set in his ways.

but nevertheless you still need to get on the same page. And if the answer is you guys don't have a future together, at least you'll have clarity. And then you'll know you'll need to make some decisions. And that first decision is ending this cohabitation because there's no, like you guys shouldn't be living together if you're not going to be together. And I know that's not ideal.

and in the short term there might be some challenges and things like that, but you deserve to be in a normal. If you're not in a relationship together, it's not normal to be living together. It might be necessary. You know, financially it might be something you guys were required to do at a period of time. But I'm getting the hint that right now, while it might be a little easier in the short term,

you have some options. And if you guys decide that you're not going to be a couple, then I think it's really important for you to end this cohabitation. And if he's like, well, what do I do now? It's kind of like, well, we're not, you know, we decided not to be together. So that's kind of not my problem.

You need to figure out your shit. I need to figure out my shit. We both have a responsibility to our child and lets us figure out a co-parent together and get on the same page. And then you have expectations of a co-parent is very different of expectations as a loving partner

where you're raising kids together, you know? Yeah. You can get, people get divorced all the time. And, you know, a lot of times it's not fun and not healthy. But there's a lot of successful co-parenting situations where they realize, hey, we're not each other's person. We both love our kid. Let's figure it the fuck out.

But we don't want to be with each other. And I want to find love with someone else. But it's going to be very difficult for you to date. We just like, yeah, I got this guy living with me. He's a father of my child and I don't know, occasionally have sex. I don't even know where we stand. But do you want to go on a date? Like, how are you, how are you going to do that?

Yeah. You know. Yeah. I can even begin to think of doing that honestly because I just feel so drained. Sure. Yeah. Which, you know, I understand. But I imagine part of, no doubt, being a mom and the responsibilities that come with

it are draining. But it's also just draining to be confused about where you stand and not, you know, not know, not know, do you have, do I have the right to ask him to do this? Is this a partner expectation? Is this a co-parent expectation? expectation. That in itself must be draining, you know, just to be emotionally stuck is draining. Yeah. So I really think if you get some clarity about where things stand, again, no doubt you'll still be busy, you'll still be drained, but there will be moments where if you guys don't live

together, hopefully you can figure out some kind of co-parent during arrangement, which will mean that like your daughter will be with him. Right. And not with you, which obviously has its downside, you know, having to share a kid. That sucks. But you might have more free time. Yeah. You know, you might be able to do stuff for yourself, you know, and things like that. So I feel like that's where you stand now, it's not sustainable. And I think more than anything is recognizing, recognizing that. And you need to, you need to change your current situation because your current situation is not sustainable. And when you accept that and realize, no matter what I do, it can't be this.

I either need to get on the same page and we need to decide to actually work towards something. And then in that way, you will feel more empowered to have expectations of him as a partner. And when he doesn't meet those expectations, you can say, you know, you can decide for yourself how many chances you want to give them. But you should have some kind of line of being like, I tried. You don't want to be the type of partner that I want. And I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. And so let's just figure out how to be co-parents. And if he does the whole like, what I want to want to do?

It's be like, well, that's not my problem. We're not in a relationship anymore. Yeah. You need to figure out, you need to get your own place or you need to stay here. I need to get my own place. And you need to start making adult conversations as co-parents. Oh, man. I feel like this is just going to blow everything up.

You feel like what? It's going to blow everything up. That's a good thing. Do you like your current situation? No. not particularly, but it's almost, I just don't want to be having to fight and argue and what are you, what are you worried about fighting and arguing about? I just, like, he'll just kind of go into victim mode and what am I supposed to do and all this

stuff. Let up, let them. Yeah. Again, that's assuming you're, so you're assuming, it sounds like you're assuming that if you have the, do we want to be a couple conversation? it's not going to go well. I just don't think it would be as a mature conversation as you framed it. Ideally, that would be the goal would be to have that mature conversation as to adults.

But I could just see it turning hostile and not in any way that it gets actually like physical or violent, just uncomfortable and where one of us is walking around fissy at each other and just that sort of thing. I mean, no, I get that. That's not a reason to stay in your situation because you're trying to avoid ultimately like one tough conversation. Right? Yeah. I mean, again, I know it's, I know your, it's, your current situation is not ideal and it

it doesn't feel like you have a lot of good options. I recognize that. But you just need to recognize that your current situation is not how you want your life to be. And right now, you are stuck in this very unique, very abnormal situation. where you don't even know where you stand with your co-parent romantically. And it doesn't allow you or him

to live the life that you guys both deserve to live, which is to be a parent, but also like have a future and like a shared goal and common ground and the ability to have expectations without huffing and puffing. And if he doesn't want to be that person that you need, then you need to get yourself out of that situation. And that might require, yes,

some uncomfortable conversations. He might get frustrated. But if he doesn't want to be the person that you need, then you need to leave. You're giving him a chance. Right. And if he's not capable of... I feel like there's multiple chances. Sure.

Well, yeah. I mean, listen. At the end of the day, you just got to ask yourself, is short-term frustration and discomfort worth the potential long-term opportunity that I'm going to give myself by changing my situation? because my situation sucks because my situation is going nowhere fast and you just that should be the title of this my situation sucks well yeah but like you're either going to do something about it or you're not going to do something about it i think it's difficult too because as you know being a parent the day just goes by and i get it

kind of. I get it. I do not want to downplay all the responsibilities and challenges you have. That being said, you're, you're frustrated at your co-parent for playing the victim. There's a little bit of, like, you're doing it a little bit as well. Like, I'm, listen, I, again, I understand your situation is difficult, but I'm just trying to throw out some solutions and you have to at least be willing to consider the possible, otherwise you're just, this is going to be your life. And if that's what you want. That's your choice. But it is your choice. You do have agency here. I know you feel stuck and I know in a lot of ways you are stuck, but you're not trapped. Okay. And yes, making different choices and changing your current situation will almost certainly create more

short-term problems than exist now. I recognize that. Things might get more difficult before get easier, right? You might have to live with an aunt you really don't want to live with or whatever. You know, you might need to ask for some help from people that you'd rather not ask for help. You might, you know, be a little bit more financially strapped than you currently already are, right? I understand that. But they're, those all might bring a path, you know, you will, you can find your independence, you can get your own place, you can start dating again, you know, there are solutions, but you have to try them out because your current situation sucks and it's not getting better anytime soon. And again, you can try to find common ground with him as a romantic partner.

It sounds like you don't have much hope for that happening. But until you do something about it, you've recognized that he's not going to because he seems to be less frustrated with the current situation than you are. Yeah. So you're going to be the one. who has to do something about it. Yeah. And if you want more for your life, and I hope that you do,

because you deserve more for your life, you're going to have to make some tough choices. You know, and I just think, you know, what you really don't want is five years to go by and you being in this exact same situation. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Like, you're just comfortable,

you're just comfortable enough, despite your frustrations with your current situation, to not do something about it. Yeah, I mean, it's like we have an argument or a blow up, and then he tries for a couple days where he's doing the things I need him to, and then we hook up, and then it kind of just trips back to, okay, why isn't this done? Why isn't that done?

Yeah, but you're just nagging him about your frustrations without any, again, without an expectations of what you guys are as a couple. I mean, it's just, parenting is hard. I mean, it's just, it's a fucking grind. and I'm lucky enough to have the partner that I have, and so much of the motivation I have, it's not all this selfless stuff. I feel good doing things for my partner.

You know, I feel like when I'm doing things, I am growing our connection. I am prioritizing. That motivates me. It helps. You guys don't have that, you know? And if you don't have that, that's, you know, that's okay, you know, but like, you're still like in each other's, you know,

you're doing this weird kind of playing house. And there's just no real like, and then that way it's just really easy for him to like this kind of be who he is. And that's why, that's why I think it's really important for you guys to like, instead of like nagging, oh, you do this and like, your problem isn't just I want him to help more. Right? Because if you called, if you called up and said, you know, honestly, my. my co-parent, he's a great dad, he's super helpful, but like, I don't know, I just, like, we're not

together. I don't know where we stand. I would still give it the same advice, which is like, well, what are you doing? You know, it would be better that you have, you know, because your biggest problem isn't like his, his laziness or how, you know, how he's not as helpful as he could be. It's that you guys are playing house and you have no expectations of what you guys are as a couple. And so then he's like he's not motivated to help you in a way that I'm probably more motivated to help my wife. Right. You know, and it's probably easier for him to let you be the preferred parent. And, you know, because it's it's definitely, I have to go out of my way when River is like, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, needs a break. Let's go. I got to step up. I got to be a dad.

Because I want to give my wife a break, you know. But it, it does. required awareness and me, you know, it might also require my, my wife to, you know, point it out to me. But I want to, I want to give her a break. He doesn't have that with you, you know, he's just like, I don't know, I got this girl pregnant and now she lives with me. Okay. So to wrap this up, hypothetically, I said him down tonight, I say, what are we doing here? We need to talk. I mean, how do you even just segue into? Well, what do you want? How do we get on the same page? What do you want? You need to figure that out first. I mean, I could see a future where we're together if he can do X, Y, and Z, but I don't know that he's capable of doing those things.

But is that solely based off of him doing chores and helping out? I mean, I kind of tell him, you know, like my love language is not physical touch. I don't want my, like, ass slap on, I'm doing dishes and then with our daughter all day. You know, if you can come in and ask me how was my day or remember something I told you yesterday and follow up on that. I don't think he's going to change. Like he said, he's probably said in his ways of it. But again, it just starts with, it's not, I guess it's like, I think I could see a future with me helps out more.

It's just more, I want to hear from you. I love parts about him and I could see us growing a connection if we got on the same page and I want to see if he wants to do that. And the conversation is like, what are we? I, you know, I think we're both confused about what we are. This isn't a relationship. And do you want a relationship with me? Because a relationship is a lot more to do than him just doing half the chores.

Yeah. You know, I want to, do you want to, like, I want, do you want, I want us to fall in love. I want us to try to connect and go on dates. Do you want that with me? Do you want to make an effort for us to fall in love and see what he's, if he, if he, short of him being like, you know, that would be nice. I want that too. I wouldn't bring up the chores when you have that conversation.

this is about the romantic connection. That's step one. Yeah. And if he's like, I don't know. And he's like, well, I want that for myself. I want to fall in love. And I, you know, and if it's not with you, I want that with someone else. He's like, well, what do I want to do?

I don't know. Like, I didn't sign up to have a child and a roommate. Yeah. And if you don't want me and if you don't want us to be, you know, a couple. And if you're not willing to give me what I want is, girlfriend as a romantic partner forget of again sending the child aside for a second then and then that's okay but i i want that i deserve that and if you don't want that then i want to you know we're i got to make some changes but you have to say what you want first and it's not just about the chores

yeah assuming you're right that he's not going to give you what you want then yeah that you need to start figuring out your options and what your next move is he's not your problem if he doesn't be your partner. Yeah. It's your kid's problem and you're, you know, and he's responsible to be a dad. Right now he's not responsible to be your partner. Right. And that is showing in his lack of effort, if that makes sense. Right. And then you just have to not, you have to not. Oh, man. And then again, you have to do something about it. It'll be very easy for you to not do something about it because you're just comfortable enough. Yeah. That's, I guess that's my idea. advice. But let's, again, like you're only 35, you know, like I would focus a lot on what do I want

my life to look like when I'm 40. And what do I, what do I have to do to do to change things? And that will probably require some short-term increased discomfort. But as long as you're safe and as long as your kid's safe, I'm guessing the additional emotional stress and energy that is going to be required to make some of these short-term changes, you will also gain some independence, you will gain some clarity, you will stop constantly wondering where you stand, you will stop constantly stop being frustrated at him, because at least now you know where you stand. And if you decide to move out and get your own place and stop pretending to be a couple, then you can be like, hey, all right, you're the co-parent, you've got, you know, two days a week,

I don't know, whatever you guys agree upon or whatever. Like, he's not going to do the chores at your house because you're not going to live with them anymore. Right. You won't be frustrated at constantly on him. You won't be wondering why he's not doing stuff. You might have, you know, there'll be other frustrations and certainly like, you know, again, you'll have to figure out the co-parenting thing.

But you will, that will free you up a little bit. I almost feel like we need to go backwards. What do you mean? Like, we were living apart and we did have our own space. and all of that. Yeah. You guys decided to be roommates. You didn't decide to be partners.

Yeah. And you need to like make it clear that you don't want to keep doing this because I don't, I don't want to, like, we're just roommates. Just call it out. You know, I don't want to have occasional sex with my roommate, who's my co-parent. Yeah. And it's worked out for now, but like I just want more. I want, I want more.

And it's okay if you don't want, like you've, listen, our relationship started kind of crazy. You kind of not take it personally, you know, as much as you can. But the thing you have to keep asking yourself is what I want my life to look like in five years. And if you want it to look differently than it is now, you are going to have to make changes and probably some tough choices. Yeah. But you definitely can. Well, I'm going to go have a good cry after this conversation. Don't cry.

Think about what your life can be and have that motivate you. And stop playing the victim if you don't like the victim. I get it. You have a bad situation. There's no denying that. You definitely have, you deserve empathy, you deserve sympathy. You deserve all that. I'm not saying you're, you know, in some ways you are a victim of this situation, but you're not so much a victim that you can't do something about it. And feeling sorry for yourself and constantly saying this sucks without doing something about it is the same type of irritation you have with him. You have to try to not be that. person. Right. I know it's hard. And I'm not saying, don't go cry, but like, eventually you're going to have to, like, look in the mirror and be like, yo, all right, we're going to get our shit together. I'm going to stop feeling sorry for my situation. I'm going to start getting fucking busy. I'm going to start doing shit about it, and I'm going to change my situation. Yeah. I mean, I know that. And I take steps. Like, I see an apartment and I make the appointment to go on the

door. And then I'm like, oh, I can't go on that tour. And because it's just so simple to just feel like your stocker. Yeah, I know. It's almost like getting cold feet. I hear you. But again, I think what you need to have, you need to hear it from him that there's no future. You need to just accept that decision first because right now you're kind of like, I don't know, I would. If he would, I don't know, maybe. Mm-hmm. All righty. First get that clarity about where you guys are and is there a future. It doesn't sound like there's much of a future, but who knows. But like put yourself out there, let them know what you want. Know what you want. Know what.

what you deserve, don't settle when it comes to your romantic relationships. And then if you get the answer you think you're going to have, then start making some decisions. He's no longer your problem if he doesn't want to be your partner. I keep telling myself that. Well, that's eventually you're going to have to believe it. Well, thank you for the clarity in all of this. I hope it was helpful, but helping me. Yeah.

It was separating the roommate aspect from the romantic aspect from the COVID. parenting aspect. Yeah. But yeah, you're just, you will, listen, you can do this. And I hope that you remember this call five years from now. I hope you're in a different place. And if you stay motivated and know you deserve better and bust your ass, you'll get what you want. And it's going to take some time, but you will be in a better place. And you'll be proud of all the, all the obstacles that you overcame to get where you got. And that's what you need to focus on, not focus on this sucks. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Yeah. All right. All right. Keep us posted. All right. We'll do. All right. Take care.

Thank you. All right. Bye.