The Viall Files - E1188 - He's Not Worth Your Dreams | Ask Nick

Episode Date: September 14, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition! Our first caller breaks down issues with her boyfriend of 3 years. Our second caller wonders why she can't get a husband. Our third caller asks if she should give up on her ex or hold out hope. Subscribe for more dating advice, relationship drama, and unfiltered Ask Nick calls every week. "Don't sit idly by and watch life pass you by." ARE YOU A MESS BECAUSE OF YOUR SITUATIONSHIP? OR JUST IN GENERAL? Email [e-mail] with all your relationship questions and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes!   Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content featuring updates from your favorite callers? Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + HERE: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/    Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter  To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com   THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: 3 Day Blinds: Head to https://3dayblinds.com/viall for their buy one get one 50% off deal on custom blinds, shades, and drapery and a FREE, NO charge, NO obligation consultation. CarGurus: Go to https://cargurus.com.  The Absorption Company: Go to https://absorbmore.com and enter VIALL at check out for up to 35% off your first order. Figs Scrubs: Use code FIGSRX for 15% off your first order at https://wearfigs.com.  Primally Pure: Go to https://primallypure.com and use code VIALL at checkout for 15% off your order. (checking on promo code) **To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @baybaeee Timestamps: 00:00 - Intro 00:13 - Caller One 27:57 - Caller Two 53:38 - Caller Three

Hey, it's going good. What's your name? Amy. Hi, Amy. How old are you? I am 32. And how can I help? I am questioning whether my boyfriend of three years hates me.

Okay. Why do you think he hates you? Well, to give you a little summary of our relationship, we're great. I feel like the first year, he had felt like probably the best boyfriend that I ever had. And then when we were living together, probably a year in, I noticed a big shift. He kind of seemed a little more withdrawn. The effort dropped significantly. And I was really just kind of concerned.

I don't know if it was just like stress level on his part. I felt like I was trying to do his best that I could to show up for him, but I felt it wasn't being reciprocated. And then things started spiraling. Okay. He started getting like really nasty like for random things and started picking fights with me that it almost seemed like it was like a battle of like control. and I what do you mean by a battle of control so one of like the big fights that we had um it was he i think he thinks

it was over moisturizer but um it was actually the fact that he was trying to like force me out of the bathroom when i was trying to get ready one night and what do you mean force I had taken a shower. I was doing my skincare afterwards. He came up from the living room. He wanted to do his bedtime routine. And he was like, you could just do your skincare, whatever, in the bedroom. And he was like, I want to get in the bathroom. And I was like, can you just, you know, give me a few minutes. And he was like, no, just go in there. And I told him, no, I'm going to finish doing what I'm doing. And then he, he, went on this whole rant. He called me something really nasty and it like stuck with me. What do you call you?

He called me, he said to me, are you fucking our word? He said it to me that instance and then he had said it like two days prior in a different situation. Towards you or just like

in a different context? Towards me. And I was really taken, kind of taken aback really, because he just, he just came off like super aggressive. He went on this whole thing where he's like, oh, what do you know about skin care? Meanwhile, my background is an esthetician. So he was, he was mocking me pretty much. He was like, what do you know about this, blah, blah, blah, miss. Just out of curiosity, is the bathroom so small.

you guys can't do your routines together or did you want to like do something in private or what? Possibly in private. But the thing is in that particular, well, we're no longer living in the same place currently. But when we were, there were three bathrooms in that house. And what, what prompted you guys know to Lone Lola and all where I live together? he well not only the those instances as well as um i just felt like the effort was being reciprocated around the house and i was feeling like i had more of like the mental load and day-to-day stuff weighing on my shoulders on top of work um than he did and i kind of got to the point

where i tried to talk to him he would get defensive he would shut me down and then with the name calling. I found out he had said something really kind of, well, he did say something disrespectful to me to one of his coworkers who I, I'm fairly friendly with. So that really, like, what do you say? So he was texting with him and he had let me use his phone and I saw the message. and he was like, his friend had sent him a picture of him, like, posing with somebody, who, which happened to be an attractive co-worker of his. And his friend sent the picture and was like, this is how trouble starts. And then...

Is this a girlfriend or a guy friend? And is it your friend or is his friend? His friend and is a guy. But he had set the picture of him and this woman. Do me a favor. I want you to take a breath. Just. And I just tell your story.

You're trying to tell it very carefully as if he's listening. And so back to like, why doesn't he leave it? Did you kick him out? Just like, what's this? You left. Okay, period. All right. Great.

You left. Great. Try not to have to explain yourself when you tell your story. I think I'm just so used to it in this situation. Like, I feel like it was always having to explain myself. and then feeling attacked. I know you want to figure out whether your boyfriend hates you.

Why do you want to fight for this relationship? Because ultimately you're trying to figure out if your boyfriend hates you is a version of you trying to fix things that you think are broken. Honestly, like I don't believe that he's a bad person. I think we were going through a rough time. So you're trying to explain his behavior, I guess?

Yeah, I guess. I mean, I am in therapy. Well, have you talked to him? I'm sure me you have, but I'm like, just be like, hey, I've noticed a change. Like, when you're not fighting, have you tried to say, have you, like, I just feel like you're really short with me. You've called me some names. Like, I, these feel like I shouldn't put up, you know, like, what's going on is, are you stressed? Have you tried to connect with him and understand?

I have. Okay. And then how is he, he's not receptive or things get heated? Yes. He will kind of shut down. He'll say he doesn't want to talk about it. You know, try to. Does he mention like it's something? He has said that he was overwhelmed with work and the position that he was in was very demanding. That has since changed.

And he seems. Did he acknowledge? I mean, it's one thing to say, well, you know, I've been really busy at work. It's stressed. It's, it's, I'm not myself. I recognize that I've taken it out on you. I'm sorry. I'll try to fix it. Even if they don't fix it. Has he even done that? He has given what I would say, a half-assed apology. Which is? He'll be like, yeah, I mean, I'm sorry, but, which I feel like negates the I'm sorry. You haven't felt like he's really acknowledged his behavior? Correct. Okay. So regardless of if you're even, like let's say you are a psychologist and you are literally

being able to diagnose his behavior, whether it's just like, you know, he inherited it from his parents or whatever, like what would change your situation if he was unwilling to acknowledge or hear you? I mean, because I can't, you know, what does you understanding change things? I just, like, I see the good glimpses of him and I know that he's, I don't believe that he's a bad person. No, we're not, we're not, we're not here to judge, you know, like, we're not here to decide whether it goes to heaven and hell. Yeah. You're trying to figure out whether this is a relationship that you're happy in. And if, if not, is that a temporary thing or is this like, is this who he is as a partner now? When you mentioned glimpses, how recent has been the best glimpse?

Even though we're living separately, there's still effort to like go out together, you know, whether it's drinks or just to get something to eat. Are there periods in which you feel relaxed and happy and calm with him? I do. I actually, the most recent time that we went out, I was feeling like it was like back to the beginning of our relationship. again. Like it seemed great. How consistent is that? Like a once a week thing. And you're and you're able to go into that you're calm each day? Like are that sounds I would be pretty anxious.

What what version of my boyfriend I'm going to get? And you have a one out of seven chance. It's good. Yeah. I only what maybe a couple days a week. So I feel like you know, it's like one night might be like the going out night if it's on a weekend and then during the week it's just you know we're hanging out at my apartment but you know sometimes he's more quiet more reserved doesn't have much to say and i'm the one pulling for the conversation so it's kind of like is he even you like invested like does he care well that's a whole other thing right now i'm more focused on the first version that you you know the kind of the hostility the name calling the unpredictable behavior.

But because you are describing it as a fairly consistent version of him. Yeah. The slightly withdrawn in his head, I'm not saying that's okay, but it's more common. And like definitely it still needs to be like addressed and worked on. But that's a lot different than calling you names and belittling you. and being aggressive when he wants to use the bathroom, which version of him is the one you're more used to seeing? I mean, you know, not that,

but that first version that you described is, sounds pretty unideal. I would say the, the nice side is what I have seen more often. It's just that that more hostile side was such a quick switch. Like, it was just, I felt like it kind of came out of nowhere. Okay, so if I'm understanding you, you dated, it was pretty good, a year in had changed pretty drastically, yeah? Once we were living together, I noticed. And while you're living together, he was pretty hostile, short-tempered, and mean.

Yeah. And then you moved out and you stayed together. You're only seeing each other twice a week. And now when you see each other, it's decent? Yeah. Is that summarized things? Yeah, I would say decent is a good word. Okay.

And he's no longer hostile and no longer calls you names? No. Okay. Okay. And so what are your relationship goals with this guy? One point we were talking about marriage and kids, but as of today, what is your goal? Let's figure, like put him aside. What do you want from this relationship?

Is it stands today taking an inventory of your relationship, considering like how it's progressed or gone backwards. And what do you, what's your goal? Like, you get to choose. I would like a future with him. I know it sounds very hesitant, but... So at best, we've identified a problem, which is like it sounds like maybe, if nothing else, like living with you

was something that triggered them, or, you know, is that feel accurate? I mean, or is that a coincidence that that behavior that seemed isolated was only around when you were living together? I'm not sure which one. I know he's lived with significant others in the past as have I and he's older than I am. I mean, but who knows how though, you know, he's not dating them anymore.

Yeah. So I don't know if it was just because he liked his, you know, like do things a certain way. And I mean, I do too. I feel like everybody has their own things like, you know, how you, the dishwasher or whatever. But I don't know. You need to figure it out, right? And I think you are doing the thing where you're, it's all about him.

Mm-hmm. You know, his behavior has fluctuated. At best, it sounds like you don't know what version of your boyfriend you're going to get. Right now, things are okay as you describe them, but you're only seeing him twice a week. Right. That is less frequent when they used to see him when you live together. So in that regard, you guys have taken.

taking a back, you've, you've, you've gone backwards, not forward. And that's not the end of the world. Some couples have to do that. But it doesn't sound like when you try to connect with him, even when things aren't heated, that he seems to be receptive to like just having a better understanding of where each other is coming from. And you have more questions and answers. And if, you know, your boyfriend of three years who you, you know, you say you'd like a life with and do you want to have kids? I want to have children with. Get married. you don't have like access to like you know things that are bothering him open up with and and when he

is triggered what he does instead is takes it out on you um and then add to the fact that like while we don't know if we're certain it seems like maybe the stresses of living together and this the proximity of constantly being around each other and i'm sure again like just domestication like your version is you wanted him to help you know maybe his version is he thought you were nag Like, who knows? Not to debate who's right or wrong. It's just like living together, like, creates just responsibility and just kind of day-to-day, like, the grind. And it didn't seem like he took to that very well. And that's not the end of the world, but like, in order for you to move forward with him, you would have to have a better understanding and clarity. Like,

it, I'm sure it took you a lot to, like, get up and leave. Right. I'm sure that was difficult took a lot of emotional energy. Like, do you are, what's going to make you feel safe enough to go back and living with him, rather than you just like flipping a coin, because that's where you're kind of at now, it sounds like. Yeah, I feel like we've kind of hit like a restart. And when I try to ask him any questions about what, you know, where we're going, not saying that it has to be at a certain time that we have to like try living together again, but I just want to know where his head's at. and he's just like, let's just keep at the pace that we're at. And what does that mean?

I don't know. You know, this is a guy you've been dating for three years. You want to spend the rest of your life with. You want to have kids with. You know, this is not your boyfriend of two weeks where you're asking for clarity. He's like, yo, slow down. You know, let's just get to know each other. Yeah.

Do you think you have a right to have a say in the pace of this relationship or do you think it's all about the pace he's comfortable with? I mean, to some extent. But I'm not forcing him to be like, okay, we have to act like none of that ever happen. Again, you don't have to explain yourself and justify it. No, of course, no, of course you're not for it. Do you think you have a right to have a say? Yes or no?

Yes. Okay. Yeah. Do you feel like you have much of a say right now? Not really. Okay. And do you think that needs to change for you to like be happy in this relationship? Yeah.

I feel like there needs to be a little more give and take. Yeah. And if it hasn't been that way. And if he's unwilling to ever give that to you, what do you want in this? Do you still want to be in this relationship? If it's one-sided, no. Okay. How do you plan on figuring out or changing it being one-sided? And what's your, and I guess, like, what is your limit to how much, like, to how much patients you have? I mean, it's already been a few months since I've moved out, but I don't know if I can go. like another few more months with just being like, oh, we see each other. It's just how is your day and we see each other for a week, you know.

Do you think it's important that you get your boyfriend to open up a little bit more and not be so close it off to you emotionally? Like, do you, what if that never changes? I wish he would. What if it, what if it never changes? Um, and I guess he's just not, maybe he's just not the right person for me then. Yeah, maybe not. I would love for you to think more about what you want out of this relationship.

And I would love for you to have more expectations of what you think you deserve. And I think, and I would want for you to spend more time acknowledging that you deserve to have a say in how this relationship progresses, especially how much you've already invested in it, three years. And I would, I would love for you to acknowledge how much you've already given this relationship. Listen, like, sometimes you just have to give a lot, a little. Sometimes you have to make up the difference when your partner, but that can only be temporary. It can't be the norm. It's the norm for you. Yeah, it sounds like obviously this is something you want to fight for and I'm not here to convince you otherwise because like no one's ever really able to do that when someone's like, you know, this is where your heart is.

But unless he's willing to show you actual change and work with you and communicate with you, like I would, if I were you, I would be very cautious about giving it more energy and time. because that's the thing that matters the most, you know? And then, you know, then there's a whole, like, you know, the how he talks to you should be a non-negotiable. And, you know, I'd love for you to get some clarity on that. But even that aside, like, he needs to open up to you. He needs to let you in a little bit. He needs to not shut you out.

And he needs to not treat you a certain way. When, you know, how he handles stress is sounds like it's all bad. Yeah. And it's not. your responsibility to change him. You can help him. You can offer and suggestions. You could be by his side when he does it,

but he's got to be willing. And if he's not willing, then... I honestly feel like I had to say to him, like a lot of the time, like, I'm on your side. Like, we're a team. Like, we're together on this. And for him to just kind of be like, okay, I'm dealing with this,

but I got to deal with it alone. It's kind of like, cool now. Again, you've seen more than willing. You've acknowledged that. He is, he doesn't want you. It's not, he's not saying, he's not letting you tag, you know, you know, tag team. You're sticking your hand out. You're like, tag me.

He's not tagging you. He hasn't accept you as his teammate. I don't know, you know, I don't know what having a girlfriend means to him or, or what he wants, you know. Again, like, you can say no, but like, you know, you're willing to offer doesn't do much if he's not willing to accept it. he's not letting again he's not letting you in you can't force someone to accept whatever help they're going to give you and it's not enough for you just to be willing he has to want it yeah that's that's the thing that has been stuck in my head is that he i feel like he doesn't really want it and again at a minimum he needs to like not that it's okay how he spoke to you or treats you but you know

if you're an alcoholic you have to say i'm an alcoholic you know before you work on being alcoholic, you know, he needs to like at a minute, you know, before he, before he works on how he talks to you, he needs to acknowledge that he's doing it. He needs to at least feel contrite. You know, there are some people, not that it's okay who will, again, they can, it could still even be abusive. I'm so sorry I did that, you know, but like, he's not even acknowledging it. Yeah. He kind of just acts like it doesn't. He just pretends it doesn't exist or kind of indirectly blames you, kind of get, get a little gas later, blames, you know, but like, none of that matters in terms of how he speaks to you. Yeah, we're only human. Everyone has a bad day.

Every couple has had to apologize to their partner for being like, I'm so sorry. I, you don't deserve to be true that way. That happens. But this is a consistent thing and it's one-sided. And it's never really acknowledged. Yeah. So. And, and like, listen, like, I, you know, I appreciate the click-bitty headline. Now I wonder if my boyfriend hates me, but no one should feel that way. And I don't think you're being hyperbolic. I think there are days you actually wonder, if your boyfriend hates you. Yeah. I,

yeah, I really do. And that, you know. Putting in more love effort, energy than he is. If anything, you know, you might need to just truly leave him and really just say, I don't, you know, I want more. I want more. I deserve more. I want more.

I expect more. I'm willing to give it, but you don't want it. And I want more in a relationship and leave and see if it actually wakes him up. I wouldn't take him back right away. This guy is very comfortable with coasting, and it sounds like he really just enjoys saying he has a girlfriend, and he loves, you know, and you seem very accommodating,

and like a very lovily person. Quite frankly, I think he's taking advantage of your generosity and patience and what you're willing to do in a relationship. And he probably enjoys some of those aspects while not giving it in return. He'll probably put up with it as long as you're willing to. Yeah, that's a good point.

I would think less about if your boyfriend hates you, and I would certainly maybe do you your boyfriend because I do. But yeah, listen, you know, everyone deserves more than what you're getting. Well, I appreciate that. But only you have the power

to do something about it. I can tell you that all day long. Anyone who's listening can say the same thing, but until you actually believe it and say, you know, I have a say and how this, you know, this relationship's going backward.

I don't want to be in a relationship. It goes backward. And you can, you know, and then there's figuring out how patient you're willing to be. But again, even if your boyfriend needs help, he is not willing to let you help him or even let you be on the sideline. Yeah. You don't even have an idea of what's going on. You can only guess. And that's, that's a, that's a very anxious state to be in constantly.

Yeah, it sucks being in the dark in your own relationship. Well, the moment you, you free yourself of him. be in the light. You know, you've got to take control of your life here. Yeah. Thank you. All right. Well, I hope this was helpful.

I think you should use some reflecting. Yeah, I will. Get a little angry, maybe. Listen, you had the guts to move out. That was hard. Channel that energy. Yeah. How old are you again?

32. 32. You're still young, but you're not 22 anymore. You know, these are good years. You've given them three. I'd be very careful about giving them more. Okay. Okay.

That's a lot to think about, but yeah. It has helpful. Listen, not to get all too like heavy. You got one life. This is the last year you'll ever be 32. There's no do-overs. There's no time machines. There's no, like, this is it.

And we all have regrets. That is true. Okay. They're real. Like, don't let people tell you no regrets because they exist. You can either learn from them or you cannot. But, like, let's... Don't sit idly by and watch your life pass you by.

Okay. All right. Yeah. Okay. Keep us posted. Thanks, Nick. All right, take care. Bye.

How's it going? Hi, Nick. I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Sabrina and I'm 29. And how can I help? I want to know why can I find a boyfriend, but not a husband?

Okay. What do you think your answer is? Or what is your answer? Because I'm sure you have an answer. Or I'm sure you have an idea or a guess. So I'm not really sure what the answer is, but the one thing that I've been thinking about lately is I think I do too much in relationship. And I like do too much for the guy. And then it's almost like, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?

That's what I've been thinking about. But I'm not sure. Okay. Who's ending these relationships that you're having? So it's always the guy. He's always leaving. Okay. And what's your longest relationship?

So longest relationship was six years. Okay. So I've basically always been in relationships. So my first relationship was from when I was 16 to 20. Okay. Then 20 to 26, 26 to 29. And then I just got out of a very short relationship only seven months. Okay.

So I think it's really important to recognize that you're only 0 for four. I understand that you've given up all your 20s for these relationships that didn't work out. And, you know, that's its own kind of. but in terms of feeling like there's something wrong with you, you're doing something wrong, like maybe you just, you know, pick the wrong relationships.

There's that. It's a possibility. We don't know. But I think it's worth considering that it's just not the right person. Back to like you thinking you do too much. Why do you feel that way? Well,

I think that's just something that I've noticed that I do in relationships. So I just, you know, Can you give me an example of what you feel like you're doing and then either they're not asking or receiving or doing something in return? Yeah. So I feel like I always end up like cooking for them, cleaning their house. The last guy that I dated, he actually had kids.

I was like watching his kids for him and like being a stepmom and like I feel like I just do too much. And then it almost like I think it almost like makes me less attract. to them because all I'm doing is stuff for them. So, okay. Yeah. So are you saying in relationships you quickly regardless, are they asking you to this stuff? Are you just, are you just doing it?

So they do say like, oh, I would love for, you know, my partner to cook for me. And then I just like start doing all of those things because I also like doing them. Yeah, for sure. No, just out of curiosity, is it a mixed bag or is it like you're, you're, you're, you're dating men who when you're dating early on, they're like, yeah, like, listen, ideally, my wife cooks for me. It's a specific request? Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. I guess to each their own. Are these men more like traditional? Yeah. Yeah. And that's also what I want to. That's I think why we end up dating is because I'm more

traditional and that's what they're looking for. So like how traditional? I mean, I definitely I definitely like to be more of like the homemaker sort of vibe. I mean, obviously I have a job and I've always had a job. Okay, but what do you want in return? I do want a man that's a provider. I think that is important to me. So how trad wife do you want to be? I mean, I don't think it has to be like super trad wife, but I don't know.

I'm not opposed to it either. All jokes aside, right? Like, let's just get into the practical conversation because there's a label tradwife, right? But taking it, it's like, do you want a 1950s marriage? And I don't mean just the man-man GQ cover version of it. I mean, like, you know, the whole bag, which is, you know, you're like you're the domesticated. You live at home. He has this kind of freedom.

He's just, he's the provider. strictly more for a financial standpoint, but from an emotional and, you know, and, you know, do you want to go that traditional or do you just want a guy who, you know, there's a lot of aspects of my marriage, I guess it depends on a U.S. that are, I guess, traditional. And then there's a lot of aspects that are very untraditional. Like, I take great pride in providing for my family and taking care of my family. And that makes me feel masculine. and all those things.

And I tend to pay more attention to the financial aspects of our relationship. And Nally tends to, you know, I guess maybe she takes charge of the more maternal stuff. But we really share in responsibilities. And that is the modern version of our relationship. And that way that's not like a... And without really discussing our roles, we have a pretty clear understanding of how we contribute in our relationship. You know, and there's a shared goal.

I think that's another thing, too. And these relationships, did you have shared goals or did you use have a role? You know, like. Yeah. I mean, I think I thought we had a shared goal. Sure. But like, obviously that changed, right? Over.

And let me ask you this. It's easy, right? You start dating someone. And it's like, what do you want? You know, I want to get married someday. I want to have kids. Oh, we both want to get married. We both want to have kids.

kids, sometimes, you know, like, you know, when Natalie first started dating, we didn't get like super deep other than like, yeah, we want, sure, we. Same thing. But as you started cooking and taking care of his kids and things like that, was that, you know, like you were giving a lot. What were you getting in return? Yeah, exactly. I mean, I think you would definitely pay for whatever we were doing, like whatever date. So financial. Okay. And is that all you need? No, I think I also need emotional support and I think that was there too. What changed? What changed? Like why did the relationship end?

Yeah. Well, that one I think was a little unique in that. So he already had three kids. He said that he was open to having more kids and that he wanted a big family and he was definitely down for all of those things. but in the end he ended up saying he doesn't actually want more kids so okay which technically he didn't lie yeah technically but i do think there were a lot of things that said that he said that made me believe he was leaning yes for sure but he did said he was open yeah not wanted yeah so i mean

that's just something to be mindful of is you you know date and you know it's easier when you're we're younger and if I'm if I'm you I would be careful in the future about listening to people who are open to things about things that are non-negotiables for you yeah I agree I think I definitely learned that lesson for sure yeah yeah but you know listen I'm you know I think we live in a modern world but it's still okay to want traditional values in your relationship but you know what that means to one part it's a that's a spectrum in this day and A right I guess it just sounds like you are dating men who really like that traditional aspect and you are willing to play your role but it seems like kind of unclear of the

expectations that are let out for the men you're dating and their ability to live up to that you know okay no so what do you mean by that well I'm again I'm based in this of little of information but am i haven't got anything wrong so far i don't think so no okay okay i guess it's just like you know like okay you you meet the next guy right you know and let's say he wants kids he's like yeah i work for living i i i don't know how you feel if if we you know you're you're your first couple dates and you're you're playing that fun like just fantasizing about a life together because you're both really excited about each other and it's like you know if we have

have kids. I guess I would love, you know, I want to be the provider for my family. And if my wife's down, I'd love for her to, you know, be able to stay home and take care of our kids. And you're like, yeah, I'm down for that. And then he's just like, yeah, I want my wife to cook for me as all your boyfriends have said in the past. Great, you're like great. I love to cook and I love to clean. And you move in pretty quickly together. And you start cooking, you start cleaning. And again, like, what, what are you, like, what are you used to asking for in a relationship, you know, like? I mean, I think The things that I typically ask for, like, definitely, like, the providing. And then...

But outside of financial, what does providing mean to you? Like, any sort of, like, I don't know. Like, I would say, like, a masculine task, like, taking care of my car and, like, um... Can he hire a mechanic? Carrying heavy things for me and, you know, carrying my suitcase on trips. That's it? they're like those are the things I like.

No, no doubt. And you can like those. But is that all you need? I mean, definitely like emotional connection, physical connection. Those things all need to be there too. Okay. Outside of the guy with kids, your other, when was that your last relationship? Yeah.

Okay. And then I guess the one that from 20 to 26, I mean, was that just kind of young love, your first, you know, like, I mean, there's, why did you guys break up? Yeah, that relationship was just really toxic and I think we were both, just really young and, okay. Yeah. So again, back to my original thing. Like maybe you just, I don't know, I haven't found a person. There's definitely, it could just be that. Okay. Maybe there's nothing wrong. How do I find my person? Patients? I don't know, like, listen, like you, you know, you seem like someone who, like, you know, you're not going to date just anyone. You're picky. You know, you have a certain, you have a, I'm guess, a fairly

limited checklist, you know, like you're picky. I don't know. Not everyone fits the type of person you want to date. Picky you are, you know, the, the, the, the lucky you have to get with some of the qualities that everyone wants, which is like, you know, patience, kindness, empathy, grace. and selflessness and all, you know, like the glue of a relationship. And those are often things when we're picky that we take for granted, you know, especially when we were younger, you know, a lot of times it's hot or not. You know, it's like they're hot. They make money.

She's hot. She makes my sandwiches. Let's date. Let's see if it works, you know. And then, you know, it doesn't. So you might just have to be more patient. Thinking about your last boy, everyone with three kids,

I would, and I'm just kind of spitballing here, off the top of my head here, so maybe I'm right off base. But I would venture to guess the more traditional of the man, right? I guess the things that are going to make him, everyone needs a purpose and a reason to stick around in a relationship, you know?

Like, what are you fighting for in a relationship? You know, like a marriage is a lifetime. You need things that, you need a purpose. You need a North Star, a compass, right? For a lot of people, for a big part of that relationship, kids are that North Star, it's what people bring people together. Now, it can also be what, you know, like there's a tale is all his time. You have kids 18 years later.

At the last kid graduates, the parents get divorced because the relationship becomes all about their kids. So that's another thing you have to worry about. But for a more traditional man, you know, he already had his kids. He was thinking about maybe having kids. and like what was the thing that he was fighting for the two of you, other than like him feeling good about paying for you? And if that's the only thing that made him feel like a man or masculine or connected to you,

what's stopping him from paying for someone else? Okay. You know, am I making sense? Yeah. So what exactly do I do differently? Well, I mean, listen, for me, and I can only speak on my personal. I don't know if, A, I don't know if you need to do anything differently. Again, I don't, I don't, I have your limited history.

I don't know, you know, so it could just be, you might need to be more patient. I do think, given that you are really drawn to a more trad wife lifestyle, I think you are susceptible to dating an extraordinarily traditional guy who's limited in what he is willing to give. And I think you might be vulnerable for dating a type of guy. who's thinks buying his love is all he needs to do. I think in today's society, like again, like everything that, you know,

again, just speaking about my relationship, not that's right, no, that's wrong, but like we, outside of our kids, we've built a life together, you know. I had my life and she had hers, you know, and when we met, we had different financial situations, you know, but like ever since we got together,

we've built. a life together and we've really invested in things and we've shared these things and we you know and so we're both invested in that we do things together and the more as a couple you do things together and you share in the you know the joys in the sadness and the the challenges that've come of whatever it is your building a building a relationship maybe you literally build a house together you know whatever it is I think sometimes in traditional relationship there's a huge disconnect with couples. It's, you know, roles are very divided. And I think in roles that are very divided, like in more traditional, like, that's why, you know, do you want a 1950s marriage,

you know, like people didn't get divorced, but they also, like, they were strangers, you know, and I think to be connected to your partner, you have to share things, whatever those are. So for you, I would say someone who is prone to more traditional relationships, I would make it a priority for you to still find things to share with your partner and to talk about doing things together and figuring out what those things are outside of the things that you do whatever your roles are because I think more traditional relationships are kind of obsessed with roles this is your job and my job and now you're the guy and I'm the girl and we have separate roles and in those relationships you can have very different lives and I think the most successful relationships

are the ones who have a shared life okay is that make am I making any sense I don't know I'm just drifting here. Yeah, that makes sense. And that's, I'm just kind of speaking at a high level because, again, maybe you just need to be a little more patient. But I think, yeah, it's hard, you know, because traditional is such a spectrum in today's age of what that means, you're really going to have to figure out when you date a more traditional man, just how traditionally is. And, and then I think you guys are going to have to find your maybe more less traditional way. of connecting and sharing and building a relationship together.

Okay. I'm assuming you want to be more than just a wife. Yeah. And by that I mean like just the label. You know, like I look at it as like I want to have a successful marriage. You know, I enjoy saying my wife and it's cool to say I'm a husband. But there's a lot more behind of what it means. and I think sometimes people with traditional

fall in the trap of just wanting the label. Okay. How do you, yeah, is that helpful? What does that make you think? Do you have quite, I don't know, I'm just kind of, I'm talking very high level, so maybe this isn't implied to you at all.

You disagree. Well, I'm also just wondering what age of guys should I be dating? Obviously, there's an age gap in my relationship. so I'm going to be more, you know, you're 29. So you have a probably fairly, if you want to, you could have a pretty big delta on what the age range is. I would be more particular about, you know,

what worked for Natalie and I is that when I met her, she was just like, you know, she was adamant that she was like, I want to be a young mom. And, you know, what did that mean to her? And I even kind of was like, you know, are you sure? You know, but she was adamant about that. So once I kind of got out of my head, you know, we shared in that, like I was certainly ready to be a dad with finding the right person. And so we shared that, you know, it was more than, it wasn't about like, well, so do you clean, you know?

Like I was like, do you do the laundry? I don't know. I hate laundry. It wasn't, it wasn't, we didn't fill it, like we weren't feeling roles for each other, you know. We weren't looking for roommates or that, a lot of that came. We, you know, we help each other out. but it was more about that. So I get back to like age, you know,

it's just like I wouldn't make sure that person wants what you want in your life. The guy who had three kids, not that you can't date someone with three kids, but I would be very careful about dating someone who's like a maybe on having more kids. Even anyone can change their mind. But if I'm going to date someone with kids in your position who wants kids, it's like I'm definitely not done having kids. I want more kids.

I'm very excited about having more kids. you know, I think for you that would, that should be a non-negotiable. And I would find, regardless of their age, what do you have in common? What shared values do you have? Are you in the same stage of life? You weren't a different stage of life than your last boyfriend. He had his kids, most likely, it sounds like he was content with his kids. He was done being a dad.

He enjoyed having a girlfriend. She made her sandwiches. And, you know, he probably thought you were, you know, nice enough and pretty enough to be like, I don't know, who knows? maybe she'll change my mind. But like that's not what you're looking. He was in a very different stage of life. Yeah.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So I would just be careful about stage of life. And then, you know, so it could be a younger guy, you know, and then, you know, and if you happen to vibe with him and he's more mature for his age. And, you know, he's ready to, you know, he'll give you 26, financially independent, ready to have kids. And that could work for you. So it's less about age, more about where they are. in their life and and and is it believable are they you know are they trying things out on you and then you have to be you know when i when i when i do these calls i'm always looking for little

words like it's the maybes it's the vagueness in words when i hear people tell their stories i can kind of tell when they're indecisive about what they're thinking by the words they use to describe their feelings and it's usually those kind of like well kind of or well maybe you know and so I think you should listen to for words about like when people describe what they want, how convicted do they sound? Is it a, is it sound like they're kind of, you know,

are they hedging their bet? Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. I feel like my relationship before this last one, I feel like he definitely wanted kids, definitely same stage of life and everything. And I feel like that still didn't work out.

The 20 to 26? The 26 to 29. Okay. And why didn't it work out? Maybe a lot of, all relationships work out for, don't work out for different things. Yeah. I mean, I think the main thing with that one was just that he didn't really know how to communicate his needs or feelings in a relationship. Okay.

And so he let all of these things basically build up into resentment. Yeah. And then didn't tell me until he was breaking up with me. So like, maybe. not emotionally available. You know, listen, like when I was 26, I met a girl. We were like, oh, we're both Catholic. We both went to church.

And my first, we were first going, didn't go to Catholic and go to church. And we fought over religion. Now I don't go to church. But at that age, I was like, oh, my God, we're the same. And it turns out we were very different. And we didn't, we thought we were hot together. I think we liked the way we look. And I think we kind of hated each other.

We had nothing in common. You know, sometimes you just get it wrong. Sometimes you pick the wrong person. Sometimes, you know, in 26, you know, we still make a lot of mistakes with our picker. So one, more than anything, I wouldn't panic. And I would now use your experience about what worked and what didn't work. And as you go out and date in the future, I would apply your experience without trying to get too cynical. That's easy to do.

And just be a little bit more focused on what you want. And then again, and I would say this to anyone, you know, especially as someone who is drawn to a lifestyle when it comes to being a wife, I would be careful about making sure you know what you're, again, how are you connecting? What are you building together? What are you doing together to make sure that you don't fall into your roles and live different lives?

Okay. Is that helpful? Yeah. You're going to be all right. You're going to be all right. You just got a relationship. Maybe take a break. Maybe be single for a minute, you know, maybe figure out what you want, you know, maybe mix

it up a little bit, try some things out. I think you're prone to, again, you're comfortable. You like being someone's girlfriend. That's great. Not a bad thing, but that can get you in trouble if your priority is just having a partner and not being patient enough to let the okay pass you by and wait for something that's a little bit better. Okay. Thank you. All right. Take care. Thank you. Bye. Thank you. Bye. How's it gone? Good. Hi, Nick. Hi. What's your name? My name is Ryan and I'm 21 years old.

How can I help, Ryan? Well, I'm trying to decide if I should give up on my ex or if I should hold out hope. Give up your ex. Yeah. Okay. So why is he your ex? Last year. So I'm in college. I'm a college student. I'm from New York City, but I live, I go to college on the West Coast. I did a study abroad program in Indonesia. And it was a small program, not that many people. I'm in like science. I'm a marine biologist. I meet these two boys on the trip, become really close to them, start dating one of them. And the one that I'm dating goes to a different school, not the school I go to. So we have these six months here and these two guys are like my best friends. We spend a lot of time together. And when I get back to school in January on the West Coast, I go back with the boy that I wasn't

dating. I stopped dating this first boy and I go back. This second boy goes to my college. Okay. And we hadn't known each other before, but we've just had this amazing experience together. And so we just become really close. For like three months, we spend a lot of time together. You know, we hang out, we go to the movies, our friend groups kind of merge. And then one night, you know, kind of things happen. And I sort of have a feeling he has a crush on me this whole time.

But I think because I had dated his friend, I felt really comfortable. We both felt really comfortable being ourselves without the kind of tension that sometimes one night we kiss. And I think it was one, from then, it was one of those really great relationships where there's no games. It's like, we kiss one day and then two weeks later we're dating and we just spent a lot of time together and I'm never worried about if he likes me or not or we just really naturally get along, have a lot of fun. But the first night we kiss, right, this is in like March and we both know that we're going to be both gone from campus June to December in different places. I'm this summer. I am in 20 countries doing on a research grant studying. I'm in Australia right now.

and then he has an internship in Zurich, Switzerland, for the whole fall. So the first night we're like, okay, but this isn't going to be anything serious. And then, of course, like, you, your word, we fall in love. And this is where it gets kind of tricky. So we're both sort of planning to break up this whole time. And then it's getting closer and we're starting to feel uncertain about it. And I think important context is that he had never dated or slept with anybody else besides me. Not as important as you think.

Okay. All right. But that's just my opinion. I'm here for your opinion, so I appreciate it. And we're both really unsure, and I'm sort of like, I think we should stay together. I think this is great. And he's like, I love you and I want to be with you. And I think we should get back together the second we're back.

But I just don't think like I could be happy in long distance. I think it would take away from my experience in person, which I can understand, right? We're so young. So I'm like understanding we break up. We're both very sad. And then there's a couple. couple weeks where we just keep talking totally normally. And I'm like, I'm not fucking with this. And so we talk and I'm like, hey, I think we should get back together. And if you don't want to get

back together, we can't talk. And he's like, okay, let's get back together. And then the next day, he's like, I'm so sorry. I just don't think it's, it's not my values, like to do long distance right now this young. I want to be with you, but I don't think this can work. So then I'm kind of, now I'm sort of upset and hurt. We don't talk for a couple weeks. And, but, but he's also sort of like, this whole time, he's very much like, if it hurts you too much, though, you know, that kind of of thing. Then we, if it, if it hurts you too much, then I'll change and all that kind of stuff. So then three weeks later, he does text me and we start kind of talking again. And again, I'm like, hey, this isn't really working for me. I'm really sad. I miss you. And that's,

and this is where it kind of really started to upset me. Then he was kind of like, I sort of think you're being a little crazy. Like, we're going to get back together in a couple months. Like, it's okay. This shouldn't be upsetting you so much. And that's where we're at. And that's where we're at. And now we're in like very sporadic contact. And I just, I'm not sure if I should hold, like, I love him. I really do. I think he's great. And I can't tell it. Maybe he's part of me, he's like, he's totally valid. Like, he doesn't want to do long distance to 21. What do you like, I mean, you're 21. So it's going to change potentially. But as it stands today, like, what do you want for your future? Like, what are your goals? I would love, I totally, I want to be married. I want to have kids eventually. Okay. First, I want to, in my 20s, travel a lot, explore a lot, do say yes to a lot of opportunities.

but I would love to do that with a partner. Like, I would love to have somebody who's really adventurous and who'd be like, yeah, let's go to Indonesia for a year. There is no wrong answer here, you know? I mean, this is young, like, this is young. This is young love, right? Like, this is a very... Like, start off with this.

Do you think he's valid? Of course, yes. But no one's wrong here because what you guys are doing, you know, you both clearly care about each other. And, like, you're kind of asking the impossible of each other. He's trying to be pragmatic. You're trying as well as being pragmatic, but you're also allowing your feelings to come through and you are listening to your feelings and he is listening to his pragmatism, right?

Right. You know, who's wrong? Who's right? I mean, pragmatically, you're only 21. And the little bit I know about you is almost nothing. But you have some pretty cool dreams. and you're accomplishing those dreams. And I mean, relationships come in the way.

They just do. You know, my whole college experience was wrapped up and chasing a girl. And like, I have no regrets because I'm very happy where I am with my life today and all of it is a domino effect and a butterfly effect. And I have the benefit of hindsight

to be like, well, I guess I would change nothing. It all worked out. You're at the kind of early stages of your life. But just pragmatically, you know, I went to school and I ran track and granted I was kind of over, throwing up on a weekly basis because of running. But like, you know, you only have so much bandwidth and relationships take up so much energy. Every relationship. They're hard, you know,

and they just, they require a lot, you know, you have expectations of each other and you have to meet those expectations and they're all valid. And if, if you are at a stage of life where you also have a lot of other dreams, dreams that like require some selfishness, you know, to chase those dreams and it works out if other people have the same dreams. It's always fun to do things together, right? To really allow yourself to reach the stars. You know, it's like if you have an individual dream and life doesn't work out this way, but if you have an individual, an individual dream, you'll probably reach that dream on your own. Certainly everyone needs some help and you have friends and, you know, a circle. But it's hard to, you know, hard to have someone,

have that specific dream. The more specific the dream, the harder it is to find a co-pilot, so to speak. And if you choose to be with this guy, if you guys both choose to be together, more often than not, you know, you'll have to start making compromises on whose dream is more, you know, right? And I just, you're at a stage of life or maybe it might not be worth it. You can't predict the future, right? You know, and it's like you love them.

You've, you've only, it's probably your first real love. Is that safe to say? Second. Second. Okay. How is that compared to the first? So much, this is so much, fuller. I loved that first boy so much.

We did for a long time, like four years in high school. Okay. And think about how you thought about that love when you got out of that relationship. You know what? I never thought I would ever want to marry that first boy. Okay. That's probably good. I loved him, but I was like, this is just for, this is not worth my dreams.

Okay, yeah. This second boy, like, I would, I mean, I'm 21, but I think. Well, you say, worth your dreams. What are you willing to give up? I'm willing to factor him into my plans, you know, like, I'm willing to not be fully selfish in my decision making. What does that mean? But I don't think he is.

Yeah, that matters. Yeah, and again, he's not, he's not necessary. He's only 20, he's 21 as well. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough to ask that of each other. What do you think? So I guess these are my questions.

The first is like the first is how should our communication be now? Like for example, a week and a half ago, he texted me New Zealand question mark, which is where I am right now. And I was kind of annoyed because I was like this, I just like the relationships I have with people are relationships of care and love. And like that is not a loving like. But then also he's trying to come back. He's a boy. He's a boy. But he's capable.

He's loved to me. I know what it feels like. I'm not diminishing, but like, you know, he's allowed to. So how should I, I haven't responded to that. Should I not? Should I? There's no wrong answer, you know. What do you think, though?

It sounds like you have a hard time separating your feelings with having just some casual fun with him, easier than he is. And it sounds like the easier it is for him, the more that annoys you. Yeah. On the flip side, when you're not talking to him, you really miss him. And so that's kind of your paradox, your, your challenge. And again, there's no really wrong answer. Which one is more painful for you?

Well, yeah, I mean, I guess I would love to be in conversation, but I want to be in conversation that is like, you know, based in us in mutual care and not just like so. The thing you have to be careful of is because all your feelings are valid and you have the right to get frustrated at times with him. but you have to be careful of not giving him an impossible choice. Okay. If you don't think you can handle a more casual relationship with him,

because you're the one who's like, I can't do this. He can. So he's not asking for the separation. That's your boundary that you have to enforce, and you get frustrated when he's not enforcing your boundary. And you're like, well, you're not respecting my boundary. And like, that might be true, but at the end of the day, it's up to you to enforce that boundary.

No one likes anyone's boundaries. That's the definition of a boundary. A boundary is you get less of me than I'm, you know, like I'm making the rules on the axis you get to me. That's your boundary. And it's like, so he doesn't necessarily have to like it. He's supposed to respect it. But like, it's also a little confusing when you're like, I miss you.

And so if you keep giving in to missing him, he's going to keep doing things that piss you off. You're going to have to accept and enforce that boundary and just accept what comes with it, which is to miss him and have faith that. like your connection, you know, it's just the whole young love, if you love something, set it free, and there's something to be said that like, and this is like, you know, this is advice I'd give my daughter, listen, you have, like, you have a lot going for, you have some hopes and dreams. At this stage of your life, I'd be very careful who you give up your individual dreams for. There are a lot of guys out there, and if this relationship is worthy, you'll find your way

back to each other. And you guys are young enough to maybe date other people and still remember what it was like to have each other and have some common ground. And you will be glad if you can get to that other side that you allowed yourselves to have a relationship, you know, that you, you'll probably be grateful that you dated other people and following your way back to each other. That's scary in your position now because, like, you don't know if you guys are going to make it to the other side, you know, and so that's, that's scary. But very few people at 21 get to be in Australia and have 20, you know, I'm like, it's so cool what you're doing.

And I wouldn't lose sight of that. And I wouldn't give that up for, and you're only 21, you know. Like, you know, I talk to a lot of people and, you know, I'm always like you're, you know, it's like, you know, when you're 29, different calculus, you know. Yeah.

At some point, it's like, hey, you know, you've spent a lot of years choosing you. Maybe it's time to choose some, that's not just you, you know, and then you have to, maybe, you know, but I would be careful about doing that now. Yeah, I totally agree with that. That's the, that's the balance I'm facing, right? I guess these are my questions. The first is if I don't, if I choose not to respond to him, right? Like, if I continue sort of not, like, the thing that I worry is that that will come across is, like, very unkind or very un- Well, I wouldn't ghost him, no. Okay, don't ghost him. Okay.

I wouldn't lecture him either. Yeah, agreed. I would just be like, yeah, listen, I'm, just be real with them. I want you to come out. Thanks, thanks for reaching out. But I think, I think at the end of the day, it's just going to mess me up a little bit. And I don't want this. But like right now, I just fucks with me too much.

And I, I think maybe we shouldn't. And you can even acknowledge, listen, like, I don't know the answer here. I'm doing my best. But like, you know, I. I feel like I can't do that because we've already done that twice. You'll probably do it a hundred more times. Okay, but I don't want to, like, decrease my credibility by just like, like, hopefully. Why would, how would you decrease your credibility by just being honest?

Good quite. Because, because it's, I've been honest before and then now we're still talking. It's not a perfect, you know, feeling. This is about feelings. And feelings change and, you know, you're trying your best to protect your heart and you're not sure what the answer is. And again, there's no. or wrong answer. You can't predict the future. This is not like my boyfriend treats me poorly and I,

you know, and I'm here trying to convince you to stand up for yourself. You know, this is a matter of your two 21-year-olds who have both a lot of individual things going on who have, you know, who found like a beautiful thing in this relationship. But, you know, it's not 19-30 anymore. and you're not ready to settle down and start your life tomorrow as a mom and as a wife, and that's totally okay. And it takes a lot to make a relationship work. It just, it really, really does. And unless you're giving it, you're both giving it your all, it's probably best that you don't try to,

you know, what you don't want is like you're doing more than he is and you're juggling that. And the only real alternative to just going your separate ways and you having the willpower to just, at some point, if you're just like, listen, I really can't talk to you and he ignores that boundary, you can say, please stop, you know, and you can get frustrated with him. But right now, he's not sure if he's supposed to, like, try or not try. I've been very confusing. Yeah. And if you change, you might change your mind again. I mean, you know, it's just, it's not, you know, you guys are, you don't know. You don't know. So perspective, obviously, because my friends are all like, fuck him. Like, he doesn't, if he wanted to. Fuck him. What do you?

What do you do? Well, they're just, they're kind of like, hey, like, you know, he should want to date you. And if he doesn't, he doesn't like you enough. Sure. They're right. I'd guess. But that's the same, that's like a such an incomplete version of that story. Do you think it's okay for us to get back together?

Of course. You do? Like, is it okay for it? It's not like, because I'm just, now I'm worried. I guess I'm talking to my friends too much, but like I'm worried that it's like disrespectful of myself somehow. How is he disrespecting you? Like, shouldn't I be with somebody who wants to be with me even if it's kind of inconvenient?

I mean, that what is? I mean, that's such a vague question to a very specific situation. Yeah, true. But like it's right now, shouldn't I be with somebody who wants to be with me now? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. But you don't love just anyone. You love him. Yeah. You know, and he's not really doing anything wrong. He's trying to do what's, you know, like, give him credit for acknowledging that while he cares about you, it is a lot to really, again, just, it takes, like to be in the type of relationship that sounds like you want is certainly someday is to really just, it is to really just, it's. is to put your partner first and foremost above all things. Every decision you make, you have to consider them. How does this affect them?

How are they going to feel about that? It's not like you have to ask for permission, but it's like, you know, he goes out, he's 21 years old. He's in a new city. It's exciting. He's meeting new people. He's going to get invited to parties. He's going to talk to women.

Every conversation he has, he's going to have to, he should, if he's your girlfriend thinking about, like, is she too close to me? Am I leaning? in is she flirting with me of my flirting with her it's very you know that can be very difficult to do you know and you want him getting good at like convincing himself he's not doing something wrong because like there's a lot of gray airing your relationship and he doesn't see you a lot and people need companionship and and you know so then you guys like have these rules rules or like guidelines well we're going to

talk each other every Wednesday night on face you know it's like and that's a lot it just takes a lot of energy it's just a lot. And maybe he just recognizes that, you know, that's more than he's bargained for right now. And there's a lot of people who just want to have a girlfriend and just want to have a boyfriend because they like the convenience and comfort and knowing that they always have someone there. And there's always someone they can fly and go to and have that consistent sex or whatever it is. But they don't like appreciate the responsibilities that comes with being a good partner and being in a relationship. And then they make a lot of like compromises and choices. And the next thing you know, you have one of those toxic relationships. Like, well, he cheated on me and I don't know, but like I understand where, you know,

it's like people have accepted much worse. And successfully gotten over it. But like, you guys are just young and figuring out. And you both deserve to chase your dreams. And I think he deserves some credit for at least knowing that he's not ready for this. And at 21, everyone has a right to say, I'm not ready for this. Yeah, that's a great perspective. Okay.

I think you should give yourself some, you know, like listen, you clearly have, you have your shit together and good for you. I hope I raise my kids at 21 where like, wow, she's got our shit. You know, like you have a lot figured out in ways that 40 year olds don't. But like sometimes you give yourself some grace. Go fuck up a little bit, you know, give people second chances, figure it out, you know, make some mistakes, learn from those mistakes. You're going to have to try and fail a little bit before.

you get it right and that's probably not something you're used to doing because I'm guessing you're getting things right at the first try. Yeah, I think that's one hard thing. It's like I, I feel like my life is so fulfilling and great and I'm really proud of it and happy with it. With all that, I'm really just upset about this boy that I love and it's frustrating me that I'm letting this impact to me and that I'm not handling it like the way I handle most things. Well, most things aren't like things of the heart, you know, and don't lose that, you know, like the part, you know, you'll, as you get older, you'll lose that little bit. You'll get more pragmatic. And then you'll have to find it again. That's this part of life.

If you had to tell me, like, this is the mindset that I should be going into the next three months with before I see him again. What should that mindset be? I'd focus on school. You got one year's school left. You might get more school, anyone, I can go back to school. But like school, like, finishing college at 21 is like, this is the only time you'll ever get that. And you have the rest of your life to be in relationships. And, and, you know, you only get, this is a special year.

And I would focus on yourself and I would focus on school. And if you want to see them and fuck yourself up mentally and emotionally over a weekend, it won't be the end of the world. But like, I would prioritize your dreams right now. And if he can't even survive a year or this relationship can even survive a year, I would get to the other side of school. And just don't fuck that up. And these trips, you know, these 20 countries, I would do whatever you can to be present for this experience. And it sounds like he has a heart, he stops you from being present.

And I would prioritize being present in the school year. and then when you're 22 and you're graduated, then re-evaluate. All right. I can do that. Give yourself some grace. It's fine. Yeah. Yeah.

It feels so big to me, but I know. Let me ask you, what bothers you the most about the situation he wants? Is it the idea that he's probably going to date other women? No, even. And I said that time, I was like, hey, if this is about the fact that, like, you feel like you haven't dated people, I can totally understand that. And I wish you would just say that. Like I want to go kind of fuck around for a couple months.

And I could be like, okay, I can see why he would need that. He was like, no, it's not bad. It's not that at all. And I'm still probably not going to kind of like casually date. It's just that I think I don't say, don't say things you don't mean. Like he would be so pissed. It would hurt. It would hurt, but I think I could like logically, right?

Like if I, my first boy. Why does he have, why does he need to know? Why does that have to be the reason? Why does he have to say it? And like, your version of the story is you know that's probably true and you just want him to admit it so that you can have a clear answer. And then, and that will make the decision for you. And that way that, you know, because you know we'll hurt a little bit. And that way, it's like maybe he just like knows as someone who's only slept with one person.

So you take him at his word. He's probably not like, I just want to fuck a bunch of pictures. You know what I'm saying? Like it doesn't sound like the guy. Sure. He's just, I think he wants, he's 21. He doesn't want to. limit himself and again give him credit that whether he you know he must at some level recognize

the responsibility of a boyfriend and as a partner and he was a very good boy and don't just don't discount that because there's a lot of people out there who don't who are more than happy to say yeah I'll be your boyfriend yeah that's a great I didn't think that you're right you're right I guess the reason I wanted him to say that is because it was something that I could relate to like when I was in college in high school and I had that boyfriend. I loved him, but I was like, I'm not going to go to college. You know, there's so many more people I need to date. So I could understand, like, and I could see how I would date him again.

Like, it was a lot easier to be like, okay, he needed to go do this and then I can now date him again. But now I sort of feel like he just doesn't, he just doesn't think I'm worth it. And that really hurts my feelings. I think it's an ego thing. I think you're leading with your ego there. Yeah. Yeah. Well, because again, like, it's not your friends are wrong, but it's,

It's a way over simplification. Because, yeah, maybe you're not. In the grand scheme of him being able to predict the rest of his life as a 21-year-old man, you're asking him to say, to know you're worth it. And, I mean, I guess, yeah, that's a lot, you know. And you're asking him to have conviction about something that it's understandable that he doesn't. Yeah, and it's also like, how can I be mad? Because I at first was like, yeah, okay, we should break up.

So how can I be mad about something that I also at first agreed to, you know? Sure. But, you know, again, you guys are figuring out as you go. You're both relatively new at this, you know, this whole relationship thing and long distance. And you'll change your mind. You're, like, you're just going to, I'm a different person. I'm the same person and I'm a different night and day person than I was at 21, you know. I'm very grateful.

I'm so grateful the people I thought I wanted to end up with and I didn't end up with. Now, I, you know, I just, everyone, you seem a lot further along than I was at your age. And for someone like yourself who

has done the most with their life and taken advantage of what life can bring anyone and you said yes to a lot of things and you, a lot of people don't think, a lot of people don't even believe they can.

You believe, you can. And that's a great power. And that's going to take you a lot of places. And a very serious boyfriend is going to make that very difficult. Yeah. Oh, that's the tension. Yeah. It's true. I just love to be loved and to love somebody. Don't lose that, you know, and that's good. But it's okay to, you have to rest your life to be tied down. And again, I'm not saying, you know, go be, you know, don't, I'm not saying get too comfortable. Never get too comfortable, right? Because then, you know, life goes fast, you wake up, you're 35, and you're like, fuck, I'm not worried about you getting too comfortable.

Okay. You know, because I think you think things through and I don't think you take things for granted and, you know, you'll leave with your heart, but you'll figure it out. But don't, more than anything, just give yourself some grace and give him some grace and I don't know, you'll figure it out as you go. And try not to take yourself that serious, you know, you'll know when he's disrespecting you. Right now he's trying to figure you out. And he's trying to figure this out. And it's kind of complicated. Yeah, I was like, the thing that hurt me the most was when he was like, I think

you're being crazy. I was like, you think that me missing you is crazy. Well, you know, he definitely shouldn't have said that. He probably needs to apologize for it. Maybe he didn't have the right words. And by the way, when school, you guys go to school together, right? Yeah. So the real question is, is when you're back to school, then what are you going to do? Right, in the winter. because he's away. He's in Zurich until winter. Yeah, I don't know. Well, this is where I'm torn, right? Because I totally want to get back together. Like, if you ask me, just like done to my head, like, I would love to be, the most fun time in my life.

So when you're back to school, why can't you do that? Because it's like, oh, well, then we graduate in six months, and we both have these big dreams. And also, and he's on the big trip after you graduate? No, I'm on the big trip right now. You're on the big trip. Yeah. And your dreams don't line up? He doesn't think they do.

I think it's kind of perfect, right? Like we both, no, oh, in the future. I think our dreams could line up. Postgraduate. Like, what does he want to do? Post grad. He does it something that he could kind of be anywhere for. Like, he wants to travel a lot and he can do what he does internationally.

And I do something that brings me internationally. So I think if we do it right, we could totally, like, go somewhere cool. That's a possibility. Yes, if you get back together and advance this. relationship, your connection will be stronger. If it doesn't work out, it will hurt even more than it does now. But that's like, that's just the risk you might have to take. What should I say? Like, is there anything that I should, any thing that I should say when we're first hanging out again in the winter of like, hey, like, this is what I'm looking for. And if you don't, then maybe we shouldn't.

You can maybe like have the conversation about like, what do you want to do when you graduate? I would love, this is my version of postgraduate life. And that, that version is going to be you together. And I would love to build a life with you. And I want to hear about what you want to do post-graduation and I want you to hear what I want to do. And I would love to find a lane for us to do it together. And are you down for that? That's pretty specific enough. And he can say yes or no to that. If he waffles, that's a no. You got to remember in this situation, maybe in waffling is a no. And you're going to want to convince him and you're going to want to like, you know map it out for him and you're going to be like all right let me give you let me give

you the other pitch like maybe it didn't sound right the first time let me give it to you this way it's that's a no and you're going to have to accept that no and then that's back to like again then trying to enforce the boundary because you'll still be at the same school he'll still you'll he'll still you know and he'll be very comfortable but also if you told me you're like fuck it you know nick whatever honestly i like him and he was there and i just want to date him and i'll think about the future later, that's a totally acceptable answer at your age. It's so good to hear that because that's just like, of course, so not what I hear from my community. All your friends are 21 years old.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. And when I was 21, being 22 felt like a really, really big deal and not to diminish it. But like, you know, I don't know, like a 20, you know, 25 things. Like, you know, it's like, I turned 25. I was like, I'm, my life's over. You know, like, you've never been, you've never been this old, nor have your friends. It's like, you know, perspective. It feels huge, yeah. Feels huge.

So this is really good perspective. Yeah. Okay, you're right. Like, it doesn't also need to be like the end of the world either way. And I'm sure I'm going to get my heartbroken worse than this. There's a good chance it could happen for sure. Yeah. And you've got to take some risks and you're going to have to fail.

And when it comes to love in relationships, that's the thing you can plan and predict the most. And that's going to be particularly difficult for you because you're in a lot of aspects. You recognize the power of your choices. and you're probably very careful with your choices. And as a result, you probably make more good choices than bad choices. And when it comes to relationships, that's harder to do. Yeah.

You know. Yeah. Because you can only control 100% of your half. And you will be compelled to do more. And it usually won't make a difference. I hate that. Yeah. All right.

That's great advice. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Well, keep us posted. I'd love to know how, things progress for you, but you're going to be okay. Try not to stress. And if you choose to hang out with them, my last, just enjoy it. Just look it out of your head and just, you know, make the most of it. Don't invite them out to New Zealand and then get mad at them and then fight with them and like,

just, just enjoy it. You know, just, I'm going to have some fucking fun and I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow. You have the benefit at this stage of your life to do that. In a couple years, maybe different advice, but like, enjoy. Thank you. I will try my very, very, very, very hardest. Okay. All right. Good luck. Congrats on the babies. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate it. Enjoy New Zealand, Australia. Have some fun. Make some bad decisions. Okay, I'll try. All right. Take care. Thanks, thank. Bye. All right. Bye.