The Viall Files - E1194 - Get Out. | Ask Nick

Episode Date: September 28, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition! Our first caller decides if she should wait for her fiance to change or leave. Our second caller seeks advice on how to tell her best friend that her fiance was inappropriate with her at their engagement party. Our third caller asks how to date after divorce.  Subscribe for more dating advice, relationship drama, and unfiltered Ask Nick calls every week. "If you don't feel safe, that's enough to question the relationship." Nick is on Substack! Subscribe here: https://nickviall.substack.com/subscribe  ARE YOU A MESS BECAUSE OF YOUR SITUATIONSHIP? OR JUST IN GENERAL? Email [e-mail] with all your relationship questions and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes! Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content featuring updates from your favorite callers? Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + HERE: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter  To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Monarch: Use code VIALL at https://monarch.com to get your first year of Monarch Core half off at just $50. Merit: Right now, Merit Beauty is offering our listeners their Signature Makeup Bag free with your first order at https://meritbeauty.com.  POM: Go to https://pomwonderful.com.  **To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @baybaeee

He broke into my house and went through every nick and cranny of my home. Yeah, that's crazy. He denied it for months, and then I got access to my ring camera and found everything. How's it going? Great. How are you doing? I'm good. What's your name? My name is Charlie. I'm 29 years old. How can I'm Charlie?

I'm wondering if my fiance is going to change or should I nip it in the bud and walk away. What does he need to change? Well, he has been very on edge as well as I have. We're very stressed out at the moment. We've only known each other about eight months. And I just feel like this whole time, it's just been one thing after another. I can't even remember a day when we haven't fought. Okay.

Give me right off the top of your head. give me five things or whatever of things specifically that you want him to change. Because if you want him to change, you need to know what you want him to change. And it can't be a vague, if it's just like be a better fiance, I don't know what to, you know. Yeah. So what are, give me, give me one. One thing you want him to change. Be specific.

I would say one of the biggest things is calming down. Okay. And not taking everything so serious. seriously, that's number one. So he's pretty reactive when he gets angry and he gets angry over what you feel like are little things. Very, very reactive. Do you feel unsafe in those situations?

Yes, because. That's a big deal. That doesn't need to be a because. Okay. Sometimes, but a lot of the time, my anxiety just goes from. Someone in theory could be doing nothing wrong, but if you don't feel safe, that is enough for you to question the relationship. you maybe aren't compatible, but usually there's, you know, you don't need it because. You can just

say, I feel unsafe and that's it. Okay. Um, what's another thing? Another thing would be to slow down on the phone calls and the texts during the day. He calls me about 50 times a day and blows up my messages. And is it feel like obsessive like he's checking on you and, you know, okay. Yes. These are some pretty intense flaws. Yes. I hate to be so like, oh, he has all these problems because there are some good things about him. I'm sure, I'm sure. But, I mean, I, quite frankly, I'm not really even interested in hearing the positive. I don't know. If I was like, what are the biggest things you want to change?

And he's this, you know, like, and he plays too many video games. Well, I mean, there's a lot of women who justify, you know, but like that's something we can maybe work with. It's like, okay, you know, can you, okay, he wants to play video games. He gets something out of it. It's his, it's his, it's his hobby. Fine. I want to, I want to accept that. But, you know, I need him to balance that a little bit more than he is, okay, that's something we can work with.

And then you can be like, well, he's, you know, he's a, you know, he does all this. He does all that. It's so great. And it's like, okay, well, you know, but you feel unsafe. He's, he sounds very possessive and territorial. He's reactive. I mean, I don't, I don't care if he's the best gift giver in the world. I don't care how good of a cookie is or if he's willing to iron your shirts every day.

But like, those don't outweigh you not feeling safe in a relationship. Have you addressed these specific concerns with him? So many times. Okay. And what does he say? At any point does he acknowledge. his behavior for maybe an hour and then he goes right back to so but even in for an hour he does own that like I know I do this there's no but there's this like I I do it I know it's weird he does

point the finger at me a lot when he's responding to what I'm saying to him like oh well you're like this and you're not transparent and you're not you know so wait wait so that so he doesn't so even for five minutes, does he ever say, you know, sometimes he's a little fucking crazy. Yeah. Yeah. And there's no but. There's no blaming you. I don't remember time.

Okay. So maybe not. Okay. So that's, yeah. I mean, not, even if it was, you know, like, I would, you know, maybe there's a path. I wouldn't feel very hopeful. But like, I, you know, listen, on the, on the limited information you're giving me, I would, I would, I would, I would get out. I mean, listen.

It makes me so sad. You know, listen, I understand. understand. I don't mean to diminish what, you know, you're only 29. You've only known this guy for less than a year. You haven't invested much in him or this relationship. You took a chance on someone. You felt, again, I'm sure there was a lot of good things early on. He swept you off your feet, whatever. This seems. Oh, go ahead. Oh, please go ahead. If I may share a story, because I'm, I'm not perfect either. And I just, this is kind of where it took off. He showed me like small signs in the beginning. And I was like, oh, my flag, maybe, I don't know, you know, going to give it

more time. But so we met around Christmas time, long story short, my birthday came around, which is more so in the middle of the year. And for my birthday, my coworkers all got me gifts. And there's one specific coworker that I've had like a small history with. We don't have any. Yes. And he's, we didn't date, do anything crazy. We were just talking and I had mentioned this person early on because I felt comfortable enough to tell him about who this was, not give any names, but, you know, be like, oh yeah, you know, I've had two years being single. Of course, I'm going to talk to people and have different kinds of relationships all around, try to see what I want. Well, he took that. So then around my birthday. He made all of these plans. We basically had a plan around like 7.30, 8 o'clock to do the plans

that he made for me. Your boyfriend? Or the guy? Yes. My boyfriend. And I had a work party all of a sudden on my birthday that I didn't really know about. And I was like, well, I really want to go to the work party because I don't get to go to these that often. But it gets done around like 530. So, It totally aligned with the day and it was my birthday. So, I mean, I can decide. I'm pretty sure. He got really upset about that. He said, is that guy going to be there?

I said, I don't know. Anywho. And he was? Yes, he was there. And that was a thing for your fiance? Yeah, but like. I mean, so like, can I? Yeah.

I don't care if you fuck that guy. Again, like if you cheated on your boyfriend in a massive orgy, and then he and then he found out. and you guys decided to still be engaged, it wouldn't just, listen, that would be a horrible thing. There's a plot twist, though. Okay, what's the plot twist? Okay, so that coworker didn't know I was in a relationship because we're not engaged at this time, and he had gotten me flowers.

We haven't talked. Okay. You know, he got me a whole bouquet of roses, and he wrote a little note on it. And I wasn't in my office at the time I was at a meeting. So when I got there, I took all the gifts that I had on my desk, and I brought them home. Nick, okay. So this man with my boyfriend at the time

was blowing me up at this work event because he was very, in my opinion, insecure and come to find out because I was going to tell him about the flower. Like I wasn't trying to hide the flowers, okay? I literally just brought them home. And he broke into my house and went through every nick and cranny of my home.

I have like a little keypad. And I gave him my code in confidence that, you know, he wouldn't be weird. And on my birthday, he went through my house. He denied it for months. And then I got access to my ring camera and found everything. Like I saw him go in and out like six times. Okay. That's the plot twist.

Well, so that's. You started this story by saying, I'm not perfect. and then I thought you were going to tell me a story about something you did wrong. I thought bringing, well, I've been told many times that I brought the flowers home. Why did I bring them home? Sure. Listen, you could have made different decisions. You made a mistake, you know, whatever, unintentional.

Even if, and my point is, even if it was on purpose, even if you were like, Nick, and let me tell you the story. And there was a period of time I was kind of feeling insecure and I wasn't getting attention from my fiance. And I leaned into this guy who, like, we've always. have only been friends, but I think he has a secret crush on me. And then at work at this at this work party, you know, we had sex. I'm not saying he wouldn't have a right to be upset. I'm not saying you wouldn't have done something really wrong in terms of a violation of that relationship.

But that again, and everyone like, you know, sometimes when things have to find out these horrible truths, you know, everyone is entitled to like to a certain limit to maybe lose their shit. Maybe say some things they don't mean. Maybe act out, whatever. They still need to recognize that's inappropriate behavior, apologize for the behavior, or just be done with you. He could have just been like, you know, if you had sex to that other guy, he could have been like, I never want to talk to you again, we're through by, and he would have been entitled to that. But you called me up as an engaged woman, right? So I'm just like, you know, I'm just kind of like making this scenario based off that you're still engaged. So if you would have said, Nick, let me tell you a story,

I'm not perfect. And I had sex with them. But we, we told him, he found out, I told and we decided to stay together. And here we are. My point is, you don't feel safe in the relationship. You ended up telling me a story that makes him sound 10 times crazier than I thought he was when all I heard was he doesn't make you feel safe and he needs a little reactive. This is unsafe behavior. It's dangerous behavior. And he feels justified because you did something as simple as bring home some flowers

from someone that you consider a friend. Now, he is entitled to feeling insecure about it. He's entitled to be upset about it. He's entitled to sit you down and say, listen, that just really makes me uncomfortable. and I'd like to understand this relationship with this guy a little bit more. I, you know, and, and then you could talk it, and then you guys as a couple could talk it through and decide what boundaries, if any, you want to implement when it comes to that relationship. But he doesn't do that. He broke into your house. He went through your shit.

He took a simple mistake and, and used it as a permission structure to do illegal shit. And he feels entitled for that. Yes. Or to do that. He has not, he is not, I mean, he's dropped it and claimed that, you know, he's going to be good. In his, in his mind, you're still, he's not wrong. And, and, I mean, it's crazy. It's crazy behavior. So, listen, I think you should leave this relationship.

I usually don't give people like that heart of an opinion. It's like, yeah, I wouldn't do it. You know, but decide for yourself, it all work out. But like, you should leave. This is not a good, this is not a good partner. Is he going to change? I don't think anytime soon. Probably never. I think it's a better chance you can leave this relationship, heal from this

relationship, and find someone who's not like this, than you have fixing him. Right. I would bet a large substantial amount of money on that. If given the choice, I would bet on you having a better chance of finding someone better than fixing him or having him change. I have agreed. And, you know, there's been plenty of times where I've tried to leave him. you know and i'm like oh this just this just doesn't feel right you know i'm like what are we doing like you're listening you already believe i'm a cheater so it's like what do you mean you try to leave well he shows up to my house whenever i'm like not responding to him or you know because let me

ask this when you say when you say uh i've tried to leave is it more like you being like oh man i'm engaged i don't know i don't want to change my life or is it you literally feeling like he's not letting you. That is not letting me go. Like, and, and you'll show up and cry out loud in front of all my neighbors and be like, no, no, wait. Well, listen, like that, you need to, you need to tell people in your community or your friends because, like, this is not safe behavior. Yeah. And you're, you're, you're really getting to the close to the point of, I don't know if the cop's going to care about something like this. I don't know. I've already called them before a couple of times. Okay. So, again, you need to, you need to talk, you need to share this to your, you need to get

out. You need to tell as many men and friends and allies about this situation and asked for help. And you need to protect yourself from this guy. And you need to get out. He went above and beyond to like look up people throughout my work. And he's been like, oh, I know who it is. Do people know that your situation of how afraid you are and how stuck you feel, literally, not emotionally? My family does, but I'm very private with my life. I don't like to just air on my very well. Do they know you need help? They do, but, and he's called them too

and had conversations with my parents. Why are your parents talking to this guy? If my daughter told me what you're telling me, I wouldn't talk, I would just do whatever I could to get her out of the situation. And I would do whatever I could. I think they feel bad for him. Why do they feel bad for him?

Because of his past history. I don't care. Are they aware of, have you told, them what you've told me? Yeah, they know everything. They've been involved in the conversation. I don't care what his childhood was. I don't care what he's been through. Maybe he's went to war. I don't know. It doesn't just you're not in like that doesn't mean you have to deal with it. Exactly. And if you feel unsafe, you need people who care about you to protect you. And listen, maybe your parents don't know. Have you told your parents, I don't want you to, I just, I need your help getting him out of

my life. Yeah, I have. My mom really likes him. My stepdad despises him. So, I get different opinions. Okay, well, then you need to, I'm not saying cut off your mom, but like, you need to find people who hear you, who believe you, and who are willing to help. And if I want you to focus on finding those people, I appreciate it. Do you have those people? Um, I, my family doesn't live close by. Well, it doesn't sound like your family is very helpful. And my friend, I don't have a lot of friends out here where I'm at. So, all of my friends are are my coworkers, you know, and I've already, I just, I don't know.

I have a therapist that I haven't talked to in a while that I really want to go back to, but I just, I feel like I'm going crazy. Like, I just, I feel like too many people are involved and nobody's supporting, like, the fact that this man's showing up at my house and being discharges. and calling me names and what did the police say the police that i have to file a restraining order in order to like get away from him okay um and for them to be able to arrest them or arrest him what's stopping you from doing that i'm just so busy with work like i have barely any time to myself and i hear you but yeah i hear you but as much i appreciate this call and i hope it's helpful

for you it is you would be better like i i I bet you can find the time. I'm sure you can find the time. Okay. And you need to make it a priority. You need to go do this. And again, I'm sure you feel very alone, but like you need to,

even if it's your coworkers, even if it's this other guy at work, you need to find your allies and you need to find people who respond to your story the way I'm responding and say, let me, how can I help? What can I do?

And I want you to focus on finding those people and I don't care if it's your family. I don't care if it's your fucking neighbor. I don't care if it's a coworker. If they either believe you or they either say I'm willing to help and I believe you or they're not and I want you to focus on the people who are and I want you to find the time to go file a restraining order and do whatever you have to do and then I want you to get out of this situation.

Me too. Listen, listen, I don't, you, you're in a bad situation and I really, really, I'm worried, I'm worried about you. And there's a lot of things, I'm sure, but as much as things feels like it's out of controlling, you're in a tough, do everything you can.

Again, find the time to file a restraining order. You know, just, you know, just, you know, there's a lot of things in this situation

you can't control, but just make sure you're controlling what you can control and get out. And if your mom feels bad, you don't, don't be talking your mom about them right now. Ask your mom, you know,

but right now, get the restraining order and then, deal with the PR of your decision. But right now, make the decision, you know, and do you have a place to live? Do you have a place to go? Yeah, I live by myself. Okay. Great. Okay. I want to move. Well, get that restraining order in place. I would talk to a therapist or, you know, someone who understands potential signs of domestic abuse, things you might need to do before you file this restraining order. Maybe there's things you can do to protect yourself. You know, I would do your

research. I would take this situation seriously. Hopefully he's not capable of some of these things, but there's too many signs of potential dangers and scary behavior. And usually I don't tell, I literally got off a call with someone being like, stop assuming the worst. I want you to assume the worst of what could happen and protect yourself and get out of this situation. I think this was like my final, like, resort. So I really appreciate it. We're going to check Ivan, you. I, okay.

I'm sorry, emotional. You have a right to be. And I'm sure this is scary, but. Yeah. Find your people. Find people who believe you. Talk to a lawyer. Really?

A lawyer, too. Yeah, yeah. I mean, a lawyer who can help you with this restraining order or whatever. I don't, maybe, again, just take this very seriously. I don't care if it costs you a little bit of money. Get yourself out of this situation. Do whatever you have to do.

Okay? All right. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's okay. Well, you know, I'll get through it. Yeah, but get through it. Don't, don't just be actionable. Take action.

Okay. Okay. All righty. Thank you so much for your time. All right. We're going to check up on you, and I hope there's some progress made. Okay. Sounds good.

But again, do your research, take it seriously. Don't be reactive, but move things forward, and don't and find the time to deal with this. Okay. Okay. All right. Take care. Thanks, Nick. You too.

How's it going? Been better. I'm going to have a little bit of a pickle. Okay. Let's start with your. name. I'm Carly and I'm 27 years old. How can I help Carly? I want to know if I should tell my best friend that her fiancee masturbated in front of me after their engagement party. Okay. Why wouldn't you tell her? I feel like she'll marry him anyways. Okay. Well, that's her choice. So, and then I guess

the other risk is, you know, how it might affect our friendship. Yeah. Why do you think your friendship won't survive this? So I'm in the wedding party. And, And I feel like if I tell her this and she confronts him about it, that, you know, he will be upset with me, not be involved in the wedding festivities, kind of isolate me from her just kind of going forward since they live together and will obviously be together. I mean, like, okay, let's assume when she marries this guy. What do you think your chances of maintaining their friendship that you've had with her? She's been receptive to some things that I've told her about him in the past.

He kind of has a history of being creepy with me. So I was less worried about her blaming me or anything like that. But just more so the fact that we are sort of long distance. She lives about a four hour drive from me. And, you know, one, I don't feel comfortable in their home. Yeah, yeah. Here's what I would say. high level. An adult holiday again?

27. You know, you're still really young, but you're, you know, you're also, you're still an adult. And I'm sure you've already experienced this on some level. But in an adult life, friendships obviously evolve. We often have fewer and fewer closer friends. It's different than when we were in college. Your relationships will change. And the relationships that last are the ones at the end of the day, you know, you just, like any relationship, you prioritize their feelings, you're empathetic, you show up. Sometimes a friendship requires another person to deliver bad news or challenge them or maybe sit them down and tell them, or no one else has the guts to say, you know, you kind of

enact in a certain way, you know, that is kind of part of adult friendships. They're a lot more complicated and a lot more nuanced than the friendships we had in our early 20s in our late in our teens and that is something you will continue to learn and find out as you move through life as an adult right and so in this particular situation you have obviously a tough choice right now like listen like I think this is different than if you said I work with a girl and I know her and she's engaged and I know I know her husband I'm not I'm not really friends with either of them but I know he cheated on her do I tell her like to send her some random DM and my answer to that would be like that stops taking your nose where it doesn't belong it's

not your life it's not your problem maybe they're swingers I don't know you know like who knows right and um I would probably tell you that it's not your problem this is a situation that involves you you know I'm assuming you didn't enjoy that and ask for it so you were it was scary you were a victim in that situation you were victimized by your friend's fiance and it's pretty disturbing news and your friend can still marry him that's her true choice, but I think as her friend, she deserves to know the choice so that she can make the choice for herself. And if she wants to make the choice to get married to him, then she can make that choice. But I would say she deserves, she should know. I don't know, you know, she should know. You also

have the right to get this off your chest. It's obviously affecting you. Yeah. You know, you were affected by this and it must hurt you inside to keep this very painful secret, not only because it affects her, but it already hurt you. And you know it's going to hurt her. I was really upset by it, obviously. Hopefully so. What did you just, I don't know, we don't really have to get into the details if you're not comfortable.

No, it's okay. Sorry, I didn't think I was going to get emotional. Essentially, the, we, we had the engagement party and his friends and the bridesmaids all went out together. He brought them back to the house, even though he knew that. all the bridesmaids were staying there. And we had left to go home to sleep. And essentially, it's a very open concept home with a loft in the living room.

And so around 3 a.m., we went upstairs, myself and some other bridesmaids went upstairs to go to sleep. But it was still basically we were in the living room with them. His friends didn't leave until around 6 o'clock in the morning. At that point, I had shouted over the banister, you know, hey, can you please turn off the light? So he knew I was awake. He didn't say anything. Lights go off.

And within two minutes, I started hearing moaning. And so I thought that he had gone into the bedroom with my friend and they were hooking up. And I was like, okay, that's annoying, whatever. Then the volume really increased. And I opened my eyes and saw the glow of his phone from the living room below me. And that's when I realized that he was actually watching pornography and I just froze. How close was he to you? He was right under me.

So I didn't. What do you mean under? I was in a loft and he was on the couch right below me. Okay. So I technically didn't see it. Does he not know you were watching? Well, I didn't watch. But I had said two minutes before, can you please turn off the light?

So I felt like he knew I was awake. I wouldn't fall asleep in under two minutes. And then the volume was low, but he turned it up. So then at that point, I froze. Do you think it was a guy who didn't care that you were there and wanted to jerk off and watch porn? Or do you get the sense that he knew you were there and wanted you, like, was aware that you were probably knew what he was going on?

You know what I'm saying? I'm leaning towards the ladder just because of his. history of inappropriate behavior with me. There were essentially three prior instances that made me uncomfortable that I did bring to my friend's attention. I kind of gave her watered down versions. But the first was one time she was asleep next to me and him and I were awake. And he asked me my dick size preferences.

And I told him I was not going to answer that question, you know, whatever, changed this stuff. So he's a creed. Yeah. Told her just that he had asked me some inappropriate questions that he might be feeling insecure and she should talk to him. She apologized to peacefully. It is definitely a watered down version.

Yeah, yeah. Almost empathetic to him. Yeah, that was the first time that he had done something that made me uncomfortable. We had all gone to college together and he never did anything weird. But then that was the first time and that was about two years after we graduated. then another time he sent me a Snapchat memory. It was a group of us from college. He sent me a Snapchat memory and said that there was a second photo of just him and I,

but that it was inappropriate and that he couldn't send it. I asked him what he meant because I had no, I don't drink, but I was like, I don't have a recollection of this photo. So send it or I don't believe you that it exists. And he wouldn't send it, but I just don't think it was real. So I thought that was odd that he was claiming to have. have an inappropriate photo of him and I from before they dated. Okay.

Then the third instance was last summer. She was visiting with some friends. I had parted from her and those girls. And he was sending me all these Snapchat messages. It's always over Snapchat, sending me these messages essentially trying to get me to him, but about her and I together. And I just kept telling him, I'm not with her. What did you tell her?

I told her that he was. was blowing up my phone with inappropriate messages and to ask him to stop. All right. Well, there's no good solution here. There's no, there's no, there's no choice you can make that is going to immediately feel good. Yeah. So there's that. You know, you could continue to keep this to yourself and that's, that's definitely going to affect the friendship and it's going to hurt you.

Yeah. You could tell her that might affect the friendship. It's not going to necessarily feel good to tell her. but I think that will allow you to get this off your chest. In the long run, I think it will hurt you less. Yeah. It's been weighing on me for, I think it's been two or three weeks. So when we weigh your two choices, we have one, which is like you're holding

onto this, it's definitely going to continue to hurt you, and it will definitely affect your friendship with her versus getting this off your chest, allowing yourself to heal. And coin flip on how this affects your friendship in the long run. I think the second choice is better. Yeah. So then I guess my question would be what is the best approach to tell her. There's no good way to deliver this news.

Okay. I definitely think you should do it in person if possible. Are you local? Are you in the same? We're about four hour drive from each other. You need to tell her soon and later. If you have plans to get together soon and later, maybe you can wait for that. I can make plans.

Okay, you can make plans. FaceTime was a decent alternative, a phone call, whatever, but like the more intimacy in this conversation, the better. And you stop sugarcoating it. Okay. You tell her exactly what happened. And you were allowed to tell her your opinion because she's going to want to defend him. Oh, he didn't realize you were watching. and you could say, I don't know for sure, but that's how it felt and you need to come clean.

And she might take that out on you. Why didn't you tell me, and you're going to have to own that? I don't have a good answer. I thought I was protecting you. I probably wasn't. I was scared. I don't know. I'm sorry.

But this is the truth. As your friend, I'm always going to be your friend. And I can't tell you to marry this guy or not. And I'm not going to stop being your friend because, you know, I love you. but I wanted to tell you I don't think you should you know I mean you can give her your opinion on whether you know that's that's you don't have to give you your opinion but I would just tell her the truth I wouldn't spare any details okay would it be you know I told you that I think that he definitely knew I was awake um and what I didn't finish saying was that I'd gotten up and I went to the bathroom waited a while I opened the door so of course you know that's you know creating noise as well as well as well, when I came back out, it had stopped. I lay down on the couch and it started again. Yeah.

Would it, like, would it be, I don't know, unproductive for me to say that, like, I think he was doing it intentionally or should I just lay it out more factually without projecting intentions on him? I think you should give your opinion. And I, but I do think you need to tell her, I think you just say, you know, I've told you about his inappropriate behavior in the past, but I never really got specific what it was.

And I guess I just, you know, I was trying to tell you, but also I was embarrassed. I didn't know, but I also think I was trying to, I don't know. I don't have a good answer why I didn't tell you the full truth, but I do think it's important I'd tell you now. And given the context of that and this behavior, I don't know. Fuck. I mean, if she wants to marry a guy who's like that, like, okay.

I mean, I don't know. Letter. She can make, you know, you are a victim of this man and you are entitled. to share your story. Do you think she's not going to believe you? I think she will believe me. Okay, good. That's less, yeah, I guess I've been pretty faithful. Yeah, like, had a lot of faith in how I think she'll respond. I'm worried, I guess, you know, once it comes down to it, I think she would confront him and, you know, maybe he would force her to take sides, but that's out of my hands at that point. She's an adult and she's going to have to make choices for herself and we don't.

know what choice is she's going to make. But she, even if she hates you and disowns you and never talks to you again and marries him, and now she made, she made that choice with the information and whether she choose to believe it or not and buries it deep inside it, now she knows. You don't tell her, she's going to be legally married to a guy. It will require her to get a lawyer to get a divorce. It could be a very much more painful in the long run. And she will be forever be able to say, you, you, I deserve to know and you didn't tell me. I know, I agree. I think I've just been like scared and on the fence and kind of needed more encouragement.

I mean, your fear is justifiable, but thank God you believe that she will believe you. Yeah, and I hope I'm right. And if you're wrong, you're still making the right decision. And this might come at a shock. Give her some grace because this will hit her hard. No one, I'm calling off a wedding. I mean, God, that's just, you know, people, people have. People have gotten married just so they didn't have to call off the wedding.

You know, so, but she deserves to know. And just let her know you support her. And no one needs to know this, but you two, you know, because, you know, God knows she probably doesn't want to tell the world and feel embarrassed. But yeah, I definitely think you should tell her. Okay. Then I will. You give a shit about this wedding.

Yeah. I would, right now mentally, you're not going to this wedding. That was another thing that I just, sort of did not feel comfortable standing up there. If you're asking my opinion, I think you shouldn't go to this wedding and you need to make that decision for yourself. You know, like I would encourage you to make that decision. Tell her the truth first. Either way, you're not, you know, I can't, you can't, you can't go. And short of, I mean, the only situation where you go to this wedding, you tell her the truth, she believes you, but she marries him anyway. And she says, I would really love my

friend to be there. I understand you don't approve of who I'm marrying, but I still want my best friend there. And if you feel comfortable enough to go, then I guess go. But outside of those very specific parameters, I would not plan on going to this wedding. Yeah, I kind of felt like I probably would maybe be uninvited, at least on his end, regardless. But I was also leaning towards. And when you tell her, don't be brave and don't be, don't be tough, don't be, just let it all out. This is your friend, be as vulnerable as you need to be and just make it very clear that this is painful, not only to have had this happen to you, but to hold on to this. And it's even more painful to have to deliver this news because you understand how it feels for her.

You know, be sure to empathize with that. But don't hold back. Okay. Don't be strong. Don't put on a good face. I'm not. Just, I'm sure I'll cry with her too.

All you need to bring is a little empathy for her. That's it. The rest, you can be completely selfish. Yeah, no, I mean, she can take all the time

she needs to process it and we'll just tell her, you know, they'll be there for her no matter what she decides and she can get back to me if she needs to not respond right in the moment. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Well, I'm sorry. Yeah, I definitely had some regrets about not, you know, raising those red flags before, but this just felt like something that, that was way too big to sanitize. You had the right intentions for a very unique and difficult situation to be a part of.

I wouldn't beat yourself up. Yeah. Just apologize for not telling her. You know, it's all you can do. Yeah. Well, thank you. All right. I'm sorry.

No, it's okay. Sorry, I cried so much. Well, I'm sorry. This is happening to you. There are no choices that are going to feel good in the present, but there's definitely choices that will help you and your friend get through this. Well, thank you so much. And I will definitely update you all. Okay.

Yeah. All right. All right. Thank you. All right. Thank you. All right. How's it going?

Hi, I'm Kit. I'm 26. and I am dating for the first time after being divorced. Okay. All right. Tell me about it. So I actually grew up Mormon and I got married at a very young age. I got married when I was 20 years old.

I got married after dating for about a year. And then I was married for four years and divorced in January of 2025. Okay. And are you struggling with dating? Like, well, how can I help? Essentially, I feel like I have no experience with dating and, So I feel like a lot of my friends kind of know the etiquette, know the rules, know the things to do. And I feel like because A, I was kind of sheltered growing up, just growing up Mormon.

And then B, also just my only relationship was my ex-husband. And so now I'm opening myself up and trying to figure out, you know, the rules and I guess how to go about it. Have you started dating at all? Have you tried it? Yeah. So in January of this year, it had been about like a year since I was split up with my head. and I decided to kind of open myself back up to that. And so it's been about like six months of being kind of on the apps and like trying to figure

that out. And how's it been going? I wouldn't say great. You know, a lot of times I feel like the pattern has been repeated of I meet someone. I can't really tell if I'm just excited that they like me or if it's a genuine connection or if, you know, it's worth pursuing or kind of like their intentions. it seems like to my friends it's very obvious their intentions, but for me, I feel like I can't tell. Do you have specific examples?

I guess for example, like the first time I hung out with the guy after my ex, I, you know, we were talking for a couple weeks or whatever. And then he was like, do you want to hang out? And this was like at like eight or nine at night. He was like, do you want, I can just come over, whatever. I ended up hooking up and then we haven't talked since. And I told my friends that and they were like, well, duh, he wanted to come over at eight or nine at night. It was so obvious. Like, that's what was happening.

But to me, it's like, I don't know that. Okay. Well, I mean, those are just some, you know, like you said, you have limited experience. And I think those are definitely the types of questions you can ask your friends. You know, friends are often not like the best when it comes to relationship advice in terms of like me and my boyfriend are fighting. What do you think I should do? Yeah. They tend to project in those scenarios.

but the basic dues or don'ts of like a guy is moving this way early in dating you know I'm not used to this what do you think I think your friends can be pretty helpful in that regard

do you have kids do you want kids you didn't have kids I did not have kids but my relationship did end in like a pretty traumatic way how so I stopped being Mormon like after I got divorced but we were going to church doing all that and then I found out that he was

actually like he had a relationship with someone else while we were married for about six months. He was also with someone else that was married. And so I found out and then the next day I left and I haven't looked back. Well, I'm sorry. That sucks. I mean, I was going to ask you before you even brought that up, but like what kind of healing and work on yourself have you done post your divorce, if any? I've gone to a lot of therapy since I moved back in with my parents for about a year just to kind of like have them close to me and kind of shrunk my circle to like my close family and friends. Just really tried to rediscover myself. So since then I've like stepped away from the Mormon church. I've kind of expanded my circle, have new friends, new people I talk to. I feel like I've just

kind of discovered myself. That's great. Who I am. Awesome. What are you doing for yourself these days? I would say I am very focused on myself in a way of like self care. I'm very like, I like going to a gym. I like being active. I like to meal prep. I spend a lot of time with my dog, my family, my friends. So you found a good rhythm being a single woman? Yes. Great. All right. So it sounds like you are like, you know, really ready to date. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. What's your familiar with hookup culture? I feel like I am participating in hookup culture without even knowing it. How so? Because I am misreading the signs from these men that like that's what they want. And I guess it's kind of like an underlying thing. But so I guess like I kind of participated,

but then I expect more. But to them it was obvious, I guess, the whole time that that's what was happening. I think in general, as I'm sure I'm not the first person saying this, but like, yeah, men often approach sex differently than women. They often respond differently than to it. It think it's easier for men to detach from sex than it is for women. If you are someone who would prefer to only be intimate with someone that you've developed a relationship with. Knowing that hookup culture is pretty prevalent and knowing that a lot of men don't require that. That ends up being something that has to be like a personal boundary for you.

You know, and it really doesn't matter what a guy says because honestly he doesn't really know. Every guy likes the idea where it's just like, well, it's not just about the sex. And of course, you know, it's just like, you know, but if they, if you, if you guys don't really know each other. He can't really promise you that he's going to like you a month from now. He doesn't really know you yet. And yeah, I think a lot of guys are looking for the casual hookup and things like that. So yeah, the late night text, the, do you just want to have me come over? Do you want to come over? When they are setting up situations that make it easy for people to be intimate, that's not something you're looking to do, then I would avoid those situations. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. I kind of have an

example of like something that's actually happened since I wrote in. Um, this last week, I went on a date with a guy. And since then, we've seen each other four days out of the week. Um, and so it's going really well. He's very sweet to me. He's very good at communicating all these things. And I, I kind of am like freaking out. And I'm like, Is this normal that we saw each other four days in a row? Is this love bombing? Like, I hear all these terms, things like that. Because you said, I love you? No.

Okay. Why would it be love bombing? I think it's just because that's what I experienced with my ex, is that it was a lot of, like, empty, there wasn't a lot of action. It was just like words to get us to be closer over time. Okay. Yeah. Well, what does that do with this guy? I don't know.

I guess it's just my past experience coming out. Okay, well, no, I don't think it's weird that you guys are spending a lot of time together. It's only been four dates. Now, I think what happens after this matters more than what's already happened. Back to your fear of participating in hookup culture, even though you don't really want to. For example, like, there's the possibility or the risk that compared to this, the 8 p.m. guy, that this early thing that you have with this guy, well, you've already hung out way more than the other guy. he seems a lot more intentional. He seems, it seems really great. And it would be very easy in today's

dating culture for you to compare the two. They'd say, say three weeks, let's say a month from now, you're still hanging out on a fairly consistent basis. And you're like, wow, it's really going somewhere. I really like it. Now, if you want to have sex with them, go have some sex, right? but you still really don't know each other that well. And if you want to limit how many people you have sex with and really make sure that you're having sex with someone who's really gotten to know you, then you might still want to wait.

And it would be very easy for you to feel pressure from society and hopefully not pressure from him, but sadly it could happen. Where you're just like, oh yeah, it's been going great. We've hung out every day for almost every day for three weeks. And then you could have sex and you could have the almost exact same response from this guy as the guy who came over at 8 p.m. Or are you into his house at 8 p.m.?

Okay. Does it change things that it has already happened? You already had sex? Yes. Okay. Yeah, a little bit. Okay. Because he's still coming back.

And that's actually a great sign for you. Okay. Because usually when guys have, you know, listen, like the curiosity about what it's like to have sex with someone is a strong. pull for people in general. And again, since men are more easily able to detach, you know, I saw a comedian, it was a long time ago, I'm probably a butchering it. But he's like, when men tell you, oh, I don't really just want to have sex, they're not lying. But they don't know the real answer until after they have sex with you. And then once they have sex with you, then they

immediately know whether they want to have sex with you again. And I would say the driving force early in a dating situation once you have sex for a guy to want to hang out again is almost 100% centered around whether he wants to have sex with you again. So the good news is he wants to have sex with you again. Perfect. And in the meantime, you know, like that's like it could be worse. But that's this guy, right? Like, listen, when I met my wife, we were being pretty open about it, but we hooked up pretty quickly. And we were physically very obsessed with each other. And that honestly allowed us to keep hanging out and I ended up falling in love with her and she ended up falling in love with me. And that's quite honestly in dating culture and hookup culture a lot of how it happens,

right? Because it's, it's, for whatever reason, we've decided it's having sex with someone is not that big of a deal. We've made it way more casual. But you can't cheat the amount of time it takes to get to know someone and build an emotional connection. So the fact that his consistency hasn't changed post-sex is definitely honestly a great sign for you. Okay. Because a lot of guys would have been like, oh, you know, I've often described it. It's like a movie when it comes to men and sex. You know, when you watch a movie, you know, most movies, you're like, okay. Seen it once, don't need to see it again.

Sometimes the movie's so bad, you're like, I got to get out of here, you know, and you're, you know, you don't even want to finish. And then every once in a while, there's a movie you're obsessed with and you're like, I can't wait to see it again. Good news for this guy, it sounds like more like the third bucket. because more often than not, when a guy has sex with a woman that he's not emotionally connected to, one time's usually enough. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. So, yeah. Now, you still have a lot to get to know about each other, and a lot can change fast.

It's early, but I would just kind of keep seeing where it's going and make sure, you know, feel like you're getting to know each other. It would be okay for you if you want to pull back from the sex a little bit. If you don't, if you're enjoying the sex, keep it going. but sex isn't going to bring you guys closer together. Okay. Sex might be the thing that keeps you guys hanging out while you guys get to know each other. That can be okay.

What do you mean by that? Like it's just kind of an add-on, I guess? I mean, sex is fun, right? People like having sex with each other, right? And when you find someone you like having sex with, it's, that's a cool feeling, right? But all I'm saying is whatever is going on between you guys right now, you guys still have a lot to learn about each other. you may end up learning about something you don't like.

But right now, I'm sure he's learned a little bit about you. I'm sure he likes you. And clearly, you know, if you were miserable to be around and you weren't, you know, if you couldn't stand your company, he probably wouldn't keep calling. But there's been a lot of guys who have had sex with women who thought their company was just fine. It was, you know, totally lovely. But once they had sex, they were just like, I'm good. You know, there's, it was the curiosity.

see about the sex, which was the driving force. Yeah. And that's, I would say, you know, typically how men are and how their brains work. Yeah, and I guess I experienced that, like, a good handful of times. And I just wasn't sure if that was, like, normal or if it was me. No, it's definitely normal. I don't care. Yeah.

I don't care who you are. I don't care, you know, the most, you know, if you're Cleopatra, there's a lot of guys out there have been like, yeah, I had sex with Cleopatra. I mean, really, it's just like, it's, men are very easy able to detach for sex. So, yeah, I can safely, I, there's a good chance he really enjoys having sex with you. And he also enjoys your company. But probably it's the sex that keeps him coming back right now. Only, not because of anything, only that it just takes time to get to know someone.

Okay. And he's, and he's, I'm sure he's having fun with you. I'm sure he enjoys your company. But yeah, I mean, honestly, like, it's a, you know, like you haven't experienced that. Like, right? It sounds like most of the people you've dated as soon as you had sex with them, you stopped hearing from them. Right. And I guess like this experience is very different from me.

Like we hung out a couple times. He took me on a date. He brought me flowers. He's doing all these things. And I guess I'm, and then the next time after we did have sex, we hung out the next day. And we just went for a crowd. We didn't even like do it. anything we just went for ice cream it's fine these are great these are all green flags these are this is

awesome but then i want to self-sabotage and be like oh is this love bombing is this too much because i hear these like terms thrown around a lot yeah no i mean this term yeah love bombing is if a you know if he was let's say for example you were hanging out with this guy right like but you had had sex with yeah and you were hanging a lot and he was saying things like i really feel like i've known you forever. I feel like I'm falling for you. And you were like, that's great, but I'm just not ready to have sex. Let's say the sex conversation came up and you're like, you know, I'm a slow burn. You know, I kind of just want to wait a little bit. I really want to feel like I'm developing feelings for someone. And then like all of a sudden the next date, he starts developing feelings for you.

You know? And he starts saying things about his emotions, but it's like followed the conversation of what you need to have sex. That's a little love bombing, right? Okay. Love bombing by definition is a form of abuse. And in reality, it's when someone who is really manipulating in you to get what you want and using the word love because they understand the power behind it and how people respond to that word to get something from you, often in that case, sex, right? This is this a guy who sounds like he's just excited about you. You guys still have a lot to learn about each other. You both may learn to not like each other. That's okay. Doesn't mean he was a love bomber. He's this excited. You're having consensual sex. The follow up to sex for

the first time, the greenest flag in the world in your position. A lot of guys just don't. And I don't care who you are. Sex is a powerful thing. And the mystery of sex is, you know, quite frankly, if that doesn't work out with this guy, I wouldn't be afraid to just acknowledge that it's a powerful thing for a guy to wonder what it's like to have sex with you. And you can keep a guy pretty curious for a pretty long time by being patient. I would be careful not to weaponize it and go, you know, but like you can, you know, I think a lot of times women make the mistake of thinking they need to have sex to keep a guy interested, and that is definitely not the case. It's usually opposite. Yeah, see, that's how I think. Yeah. So that, I hope that you take from this, that,

is that if it doesn't work out with this guy, you get back in the dating pool, you do not have to have sex to keep a guy interested. And it's usually the opposite is. is true. And if you want to have sex, have sex because you want to get laid and you want to have some sex and you want to feel good. And if he doesn't call the next day, you're okay with that because you wanted to have sex. That's the advice I'd give to any woman in hookup culture is to make sure that it's only because you want to get laid. You want to feel the enjoyment of sex. You have no expectations afterwards. They can do whatever they want, but you're looking for a good time tonight. Then you can go in feeling free and it's your decision. You definitely don't need

to do it in hopes that he's going to like you more. It never works. That makes sense. Okay. So my other question for you is how do I go about if I do start seeing someone like explaining that I was, you know, married in a relationship. Like I have this fear in my head that it's going to scare someone away. It might. I don't know. He doesn't know you were married. No. Okay. I would tell him soon and then later. I'd find out, you know, he's either going to accept it or he's not. A lot of people are getting divorced these days. You didn't have kids with them, you know, so, you know, he doesn't have to consider that, which is something, you know, people with kids. It's a factor in how people date. I wouldn't make it such a thing. Okay. It happened. He, you know, he might not, he might not accept it, but I wouldn't wait that much longer to tell him. And I wouldn't make it so heavy.

That's what it feels like, though. Like, it just feels very heavy. Well, a lot of that is some of your religious guilt that you have, probably, from coming from the Mormon church, how you're made to feel like a failure if you get a divorce. Yeah. So you probably have a little bit of healing to do in that department. But, yeah, I can't promise you he's not going to feel a certain way about it.

But, like, chances are he won't care. And the less you make it sound like it's bothering you, the less he will care. That makes sense. And the way to bring it up is not like, hey, I need to tell you. something, you've, you've been on enough of dates that it would make sense for you to learn about his past. So, like, I'd love, you know, like, what's your relationship history? Oh, have you had, have you been in love before? Well, I've actually been married, you know. Yeah, we have talked about our past relationships. I just said I was in a relationship for like five years. Okay. You didn't ask more

questions. I didn't say I was married. Did you, does he know you were cheated on? Yes. Okay. I would tell them sooner or later, because the longer you wait, it's going to sound like you were hiding something that you, have no reason to hide. Right. And you can be like, yeah, sorry, I probably should have told you. I'm like, honestly, I feel a little insecure about the fact that I was divorced. But yeah, so whatever. I just wouldn't make a big deal about it.

Okay. It's not a big deal. Okay. I can't promise you he's not going to feel a certain way about it, but like you didn't do anything wrong. And there's plenty of people getting divorced these days. It's more common than you realize. Right.

And I think most people realize how difficult it is to have a relationship you were cheated on. It's an obvious why it didn't work out. I don't think it's that big of a deal. I guess I feel embarrassed about it because I wish I didn't do it. Yeah, well, a lot of it, we all have, listen, we all have mistakes. Yeah. But like a lot, your embarrassment is more like that religious guilt more than anything, I think. And, you know, it's a fear of rejection knowing that there might be, listen, I don't think you want to be with the guy who is so superficial.

That's simply the fact that you've been married at a very young age, by the way, and divorced. It's still at a very young age, is enough for him to be like, you know what, all this things I like about you, I don't like anymore. Now, you hiding it and making it weird could actually, you don't want him to make him feel like you were being dishonest. That's why I think you should tell him sooner than later. You have like an example of how I could bring it up in a non-intense way now that I've already talked about it or being in a relationship for five years.

Be like, hey, I just want to, like, something I kind of left out about my past. relationship is that we were married and we got divorced. And I feel silly for not telling you, but honestly, I'm just a little insecure about it. Does he know you were religious? Yeah. So, you know, obviously like divorce is like in the Mormon church is like a non-starter in that faith. And I, you know, I just, I was a little embarrassed and I was a little worried how you might feel, but I felt even sillier not telling you right away. So I just wanted to be up front. That's it. Okay. Real simple. Don't make it heaven. Okay.

This is not like you need, don't text them, hey, we need to talk about something. You know, it's just you're on a walk. Yeah. I need to tell you something. You know, like, oh, by the way, I was the word. I don't know. Just be real casual about it. I don't know.

It's not that big of a deal. Okay. And acknowledge that you were a little insecure about it. Okay. But yeah, who knows? Who knows what he's going to think or feel? But you should tell him. Okay.

All right. Any other questions? No. It seems like you're doing it. It seems like you're doing, you know, you're having a pretty good go of it. Yeah, it's just, it's, I guess, yeah, today and yesterday I started self-sabotaging being like, oh, I shouldn't like him because of A, B, or C, just trying to come up with, like, reasons not to.

Take it. Listen, like, you have, be excited, but be patient, you know, you can get, the mistake people make is they get excited and once they get excited, they stop asking themselves or the people that are reading questions. They just like, oh, I like them. So I don't want to find out anything more because I don't want to stop liking them. And I don't, you know, I want to be in the end, being careful about what I tell them about me because I don't want them to stop liking me. You have to be okay that it's only been a couple weeks.

It's exciting. It's new. It's fun. There's a lot to be excited about. But you have to also be open to like it might not work out. And you're still very young and you're still really new at this whole dating thing. So like, you know, it might not work out. Right.

Some men won't like you. Some men will, you know. That's okay. But listen, like I said, like the fact that you had sex and he came back is a green flag. Okay. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Okay. Good luck out there. Okay. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. Okay. Bye.

All right. Bye-bye.