The Viall Files - E1198 - My Ex Took My Dog | Ask Nick

Episode Date: October 5, 2026

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Ask Nick edition! Our first caller found her dream man but he doesn't want kids, so she questions if she wants them. Our second caller asks how to get back out there after a breakup with her partner of ten years. Our third caller wonders if her boyfriend is too jealous.  Subscribe for more dating advice, relationship drama, and unfiltered Ask Nick calls every week. "You don't want to settle for good and sacrifice great." Nick is on Substack! Subscribe here: https://nickviall.substack.com/subscribe  ARE YOU A MESS BECAUSE OF YOUR SITUATIONSHIP? OR JUST IN GENERAL? Email [e-mail] with all your relationship questions and be a part of future Ask Nick episodes!   Want ad free episodes and incredible bonus content featuring updates from your favorite callers? Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + HERE: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Subscribe to The ENVY Media Newsletter Today: https://www.viallfiles.com/newsletter  To Order Nick's Book and/or learn more about the show, go to: https://viallfiles.com   THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Caraway: Visit https://carawayhome.com/vf10 or use code VF10 at checkout to take an additional 10% off your next purchase. SmileSet: Get a 35% discount when you go to https://smileset.com/viall.  Bilt: Find the card that's right for you and apply at https://joinbilt.com/viall.  Ladder App: Head to https://ladder.fit/viall to get a free 7-day trial with NO credit card, and $10 off your first month if you join. Article: Visit https://article.com/viall for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. Quo: Get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://quo.com/viall.  POM: Go to https://pomwonderful.com.  **To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles   Timestamps: 00:00 - Intro 00:36 - Caller One 18:24 - Caller Two 34:25 - Caller Three Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @baybaeee

I was still friends with a prior situationhip, and my boyfriend did not like that. In a situation ship, there is someone who wishes they were, at least at some point together, and then they have to accept to remain friends that they're not going to get what they want. And there's always the, well, what did you do with those feelings? Right. Who was the hopeful one in that situation ship? How are you? Good.

What's your name? Zoe. How old are you? 35. How can I help? I found the person I want to spend my life. life with, but I'm struggling with whether choosing him means giving up a future with children and whether that's a choice I can make and remain happy.

Is it because he doesn't want to have kids? Yes. Okay. How only guys been dating? Two years now. When you first, and you want to have kids, is this something that's recently changed? Like, when you first started dating, what was it kind of like, I want to have kids? And he's like, I really don't, but maybe I'll change it.

And now he's like, I'm not going to change my mind kind of thing? Yeah, kind of. When we met, he knew I wanted kids and he was kind of up in the air about it. And he is older than me. So I think just with birthdays and kind of he's used to his lifestyle, he came to the decision that he does not want kids. During us dating, you know, I said that I wanted to think about it and see if I could weigh being with him over. choosing kids. And I kind of just hit that point of, I have chosen him, but, you know, I obviously still think about it. But when you think about your life, you're only, you're only 35,

what do you want that life to look like? I don't know. I mean, I enjoy traveling. I enjoy hanging out with friends. I come from our family and have siblings, and we're all very close. So I'm good with kids, but I also enjoy my time as well. Right now I am definitely enjoying that. I do just wonder like when I'm getting older if I'll miss that part of life. Yeah, I mean, we it's, I guess my question to you is just like, you know, your answer is kind of like very like 50-50. You can see both sides and I guess that's this kind of, you know, the state of mind you're in right now. You're trying to. but when you're really thinking about like I guess why do you want to be a parent like is how how like what are your reasons for wanting to be a mom yeah um and you know I've spoken to my family about it too and they actually asked me the same question and I kind of realized like I think that was just a natural thing for me to always think like I would have a family and have kids sure um kind of mimic the childhood that I had and um I never really really had to question it. It wasn't something that I really had to think like, oh, it wouldn't occur.

And now that I am, I mean, really, I guess the only answer I can come up with is like it could give me a purpose and I think I would be good as a mom. Well, I mean, that's really what it comes down to it. I think, honestly, it's a question of fulfillment, you know, outside of the challenges and difficulties that is being a parent of which are often talked about more so than the than the joys of parenting. But it is something that a lot of people find incredible fulfillment from, right? And it is a type of, I have described it as like the easiest, like, cheat code for like a North Star, you know, for a sense of purpose.

There are obviously other ways to accomplish that. And I'm just one person, but I have found that just my personal accomplishments and I've been very fortunate to do a lot of unique things. they don't really have a, again, this is just me personally. They don't have like a lasting, anything cool, like whether it's an award or accomplishment, like, you know, like winning as state high school, you know, state championship track and field or going on reality TV, you know, being the bachelor. These are, they become cool memories, but they all just become memories, you know,

because they're all like you're, you know, a trip you take. It's a, you know, and those are important, you know, you want to, you know, you want to experience life. Something about being a parent is like there's this joy that comes every day, you know, right before you called in, my daughter came into the studio and was being really cute and annoying. And I had to get her out, you know, because, you know, I had to work. But that was, it's like a calming moment. And again, the question, you know, the question you have to ask yourself is, what are you going to do for fulfillment and purpose? And again, like, again, just being. Being a parent is not like a mutually exclusive thing. It's not like you're only a parent. I know certainly a lot of moms can feel that way where it becomes almost too much of identity for a period of time. I recognize that.

Right. But we all need a purpose. Humans need a purpose. You know, we need a community. You know, we are. And so I guess having a family is like the easiest way, I suppose, to ensure that no matter how your life plays out and it's always very unpredictable. that there's a good chance our family will be a community that sticks with us.

Now, that's not always the case, and it's becoming harder and harder these days because, like, so many, you know, so many people online, you know, if they don't have a relationship with their family, they want to encourage people not to have a relationship with their etc., etc., etc. But that has been my experience. So how long have you been to this guy? Two years. Two years.

I would just hate for you to give up on something that you would. want for another person because that even if everything's perfect you will always have that level of I gave this up for you yeah um and that and he does worry that I wouldn't resent him and the truth is neither of you really know you know like you could decide not to have kids and have a truly extraordinary life and have no regrets but you know there's also a chance that life will happen challenges will come up. And if things don't work out in a way that feels perfect, you know, later in life when it's not an option,

it might be something that, you know, the simplest way to say it is like kids is a non-negotiable for most people one way or the other, right? And you are debating whether to go against a non-negotiable. Yes, because of the person he is. I've struggled with dating. I've, you know, been in the dating world for quite a while and it's hard to find somebody

and he really does fit good of it. And there's no way, not that you want to convince someone to be a dad who doesn't want to be a dad, but he's, he's,

he's, there's no, he's convinced. Yeah, I mean, we've had several conversations and he, I mean,

he would be a great dad. He is, he comes from a really good family. All of that. I think he's just, I kind of understand it in a, in a sense. How old is he?

he is 45 okay um and you know i've always also said like i each to their own but i've also haven't wanted to be a mom when i'm older um sure so it does kind of scare me to uh end this relationship and then have to go back into the dating world and you know that could be whatever however long and then by that time anyway like i i wouldn't want to I know I'd be closer to 40 and starting, starting babies. Yeah, it's a real pickle you're in. Yeah, and I know no one really has the answer for me, but it's just nice to get some outside perspectives.

No, I hear you. It's just, it is a tough situation because, but back to you didn't really answer the question. It's just like he's adamantly against it. He doesn't want to do it. Yeah, I think if I really, if I'm honest about it then yes he doesn't want kids

and he has told me like he can walk away because I you know I told him I can't make that decision I don't want to lose him I hate that you were considering not having kids for a man who says I could walk away where he's just like well for me to pursue what

what makes me happiest He does. No, I hear that. But regardless, you're sitting here being like, I want to have kids and he doesn't. And you're empathizing with his point of view. He's empathizing with making sure he doesn't want to be the bad guy and he doesn't want to have you resent him. And he's being empathetic towards, you know, hey, I don't want to take that away from you. But at some point, listen, you would want a little bit of selfishness on his part.

Like, listen, you can do what you want. You know, he can't stop you from leaving. But I wouldn't want him to be like, listen, if you really need to do it, I understand. And without putting up a fight in a way. You know, for, you know, this is someone you're, if you're willing to give up on this dream for this guy, I just want to make sure no matter what happens in your life with him. He's willing to fight for you in this relationship. Yeah.

because you're you're you're you're giving up a lot for this relationship what is he willing to give up for this relationship i don't you know it's like yeah obviously i don't expect you to get off to call be like all right i've decided not enough kids i'm gonna stay with you i need you give up something but like it's just you know what i'm saying like it's it's i would be uncomfortable if i were you knowing that he's not it's it's it's he just doesn't want to be the bad guy yeah but i get it you know like, you know, I'm sure you're at the point where it's, you don't want to get back out there. Yeah. I don't want that to be the only reason.

I mean, obviously, you know, I found him unexpectedly. So it can happen, but I also know that it can take it, yeah, very long time. Yeah, I mean, listen, I can see, you, you look like an absolute catch, you know, I, you know, but yeah, like, I could say all that into your, you're being pragmatic. And I, I, I want to allow you to be pragmatic because this is the decision. that does, you know, require some pragmatism because you can't, you know, it's a very unsexy decision that feels like there's no good answer. And the reality is, it's like you might, you know,

you're just, again, you're just giving, you'd be giving this up, there's just no way for you not to feel the weight of what you're giving up for him. And I guess my question to him is, like, if you've put it this way, it's just like, I really love you. Despite this decision, you've been,

you know, it's the best relationship of having. You're the best guy I've met, yada, yada, yada. And I want to be with you. That much I know. And I understand you don't want to have kids.

So I want to be with you. But the reality is, is like, well, it's like, I almost want to know, like, what is he willing?

And again, this is not something like where you need him to say something, but it's like, the other side of the resentment, I guess what I'm trying to say. Because he's like, oh,

to resent me. Okay, that's fair. No one wants to be resented. You don't want to resent him. But the reality is he is going to have to take up some burden on this. He has to be willing to acknowledge and just know that this woman gave up this dream of hers to be with me for the rest of our relationship. And again, like, the right guy is going to be like, I want, I'm going to, I'm up for the challenge. I want to, you know, like I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't want to resent me and I want to give her a great life, you know, and, you know, it's like, it's going to require some, you know, as opposed to be like, yeah, thank, all right, well, you don't want our kids anymore?

Great. Now, I guess we can, we can continue to just keep things as is, you know, just very, you know, you get what I'm saying. Yes. And I have to talk to him about, like, obviously it's going to come up. I'm going to see my friends with kids or whatever. And if I'm feeling some way, like, you're going to have to, you know, we have to talk through it and there's going to be those times and I need you to make sure that we're always

being able to communicate about those things and planning our future like I have to make sure that that's occurring and we're not just like in limbo because I made a decision and now you're happy with that kind of thing yeah it's um what and what did he say to all that like what's it is it is what's he agrees and we have you know there have been moments where I do get down about it or I'm thinking about it and we we discuss it and he always just kind of says I'm he listens he acknowledges it and he says like I'm going to try my best to make sure that we always have things to do and keep it adventurous and sure let me ask you this when you are alone in your thoughts are you able to answer the question what do you what do you find yourself convincing

yourself more of, convincing yourself that you, you know, while you always thought you wanted to be a mom, it was just something you kind of was always thought. And, you know, maybe it's just, you know, it's just like, that was just how I was raised. But I don't know, maybe I don't really want to have kids as much as I thought I did. Or is it convincing yourself that he will be enough and, you know what I'm saying? Like, which one do you feel inside you're trying to convince yourself more of? Probably the latter. that he's enough yeah

I think so I look at my life right now at 35 I'm like yeah I'm totally okay without kids I'm enjoying life I'm happy you know but I just is that gonna remain as I'm getting older

when I'm not as I don't know things to do and adventurous and whatnot yeah and what's your circle like you obviously are your friends they are I'm assuming some I've already have kids kids, but like, are your other friends, are they all, what path are they on?

I would say I actually have a 50-50 split. I have friends who are, you know, start families. They're married. They have kids. And then I have the other side who still hangs out. And I have no, you know, responsibilities in that sense. And some of them actually don't want kids. Some of them are also just struggling to date and find, get on that path kind of thing. So on my side, I'm filled with both. I will say on his side, he actually, I think he only sees kind of a lot of, well, his friends are older. So a lot of them have very much older kids. So that's done. And the ones that do have young kids, he's always like, well, they don't hang out anymore. And that's like, kind of what occurs. Whereas my side of friends who are having kids are like, they're still,

they make it to things. He sees that. So it's just, it's a little bit. Listen, it's a little bit of both. It's like, you know, I think Nelly and I are more home bodies in general. We're also, I'm a big believer that like parenting does not have to stop you from having a life. You do this have to like prioritize things and make it happen. And definitely there's some work involved in it, but you can. Yeah, I wish I have a better answer for you. I would just, I would think about what you're convincing yourself more of. I'm a big personal believer in betting on yourself, you know,

betting on yourself is to not be afraid of the dating landscape and know that you're a catch and, you know. But at the same time, like, you know, this is definitely like an adult problem, you know. This is. Yeah. Yeah, it's a big decision for you. So, and I don't think you have to rush right now, but. Yeah. I wouldn't spend, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't punt.

I would make you know take your time but give yourself some kind of deadline because eventually you just have to make a decision you don't want a year from now still with him feeling like you still don't know the answer yeah and I think it gave me some questions

to you know kind of ask him to and talk to him about I would love to see him do more than just agree to do things you know on your ask I'd love to see him fight for this relationship, either like debate having kids

or just really be like, listen, I don't want to lose you either and I'm, I'm, we'll have, you know, I don't know, just like, even if it's bullshit, like sell a great life, you know, like, because it just sounds like he's trying to maintain the status quo. And I think the important thing for you is to know that no matter what you want, it's not this.

I understand it's a good life, but I think, you know, what is this life you two are going to create for yourselves that's going to feel like you've built something for yourself. And I don't mean like a career, you know, like, but just a community, you know, like what is yours? You know, and I think that's what, like, a family or cheat code, kids is it's like, you know, and you just have, you know, it's a fulfillment question. How are you going to feel fulfilled when you're, you know, 50, 60? And that's, that's, it's really important to be honest with yourself about that. Yeah. So. So. I appreciate that. All right. I wish I was more

helpful. No, you're, you're great. Good to talk to. Uh, all right. Well, I appreciate the call. We'd certainly love an update if you have one to give in the future. I would bet on yourself one way the other. Thank you. Appreciate that. All right. Take care. You too. All right, bye-bye. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Hi, I'm Imogen. I'm 26. Uh, how can I help, Imogen? So I'm currently not with my partner that I've been with for the past decade. And I'm kind of feeling nervous about how to move on from that because it's been such a long relationship. We started dating when I was really young. And what happened? So I kind of had like a mental health emergency. And I feel like it was really shitty timing on his part to break up with me

because it was right after I was like hospitalized for my bipolar and stuff. How long ago was that? this was about three four months ago okay and how long did you just find out your bipolar or is this something you've known you lived with for a while i just found out like officially officially because of the hospitalization okay but yeah i had like some doctors tell me that there's a chance that i was before this so i've always kind of struggled with mental health stuff okay yeah and so he broke up Did he essentially break up with you once he found out that you were? Pretty much, yeah. It was like a month after all of that happened.

He was like, there's nothing wrong with you. But it sounded like he was just like, I can't do this kind of thing. And yeah, so I could probably use some advice on how to move on from a relationship that I thought from the time I was a teenager would be forever. How old are you again? I'm 26. Okay. So, yeah, we started a dating when I was 16. Okay.

All right. Well, one, I'm sorry this happened. I'm sure you're feeling lost. Very much. Yeah. And I'm sure it feels really heavy and scary, and I'm sure it feels like you don't know what to do. I don't know how much is going to help right now,

but, like, you're only 26. And I think realizing that you have time to figure out whatever challenges you have is a comforting feeling. No, you know, and 26 is a very, at least it was for me, and I think for a lot of people, a very difficult age to have the necessary perspective that is required to get through adult challenges and problems. And this is definitely a big one, right?

Yeah. And you're kind of in that stage of life where you're very much an adult, 26 just in general is like a type of you know that age range is like the first often nowadays this is the first time we almost like we hold ourselves accountable to be adults like when we're like you know when we're 18 we're just like oh we're finally an adult and it's like but we're not 21 yet say like we're waiting to be 21 and then we're 21 it's like okay like and you know these milestones and then you're turn 25 and you're like I don't have my shit together you know kind of yeah yeah I feel that yeah it's the first time you start you start you

like you see 30 around the corner, and that can fuck with you. But you're still really young. And my biggest challenge at your age was to have perspective, right? Because everything just kind of hit really heavy. I didn't have the maturity and perspective of just telling myself to slow down and call down. Because a lot of these adult problems that I dealt with for the first time, and, you know, I'd ever dealt with them. Yours obviously is unique and just a challenge regardless of your age.

And I empathize with that. Yeah. taking out the diagnosis, listen, anyone in your shoes having only dated one person since there was 16 at 26, regardless of what reason they broke up, it would be very difficult, right? Yeah, yeah. I feel like part of me still feels like we're going to end up together or something. Who knows? Who knows? Would definitely not shock me if how long, how long have you been broken up for? It's been a few months. Okay. And at this point, my family's pretty. my family's pretty upset with him we share a dog so i kind of have to

reach out but yeah whose dog is it i mean we got it together um so it really is both of ours who like who wanted to get the dog me at the end of the day you know a dog as much as they are they're not kids yeah um and i think you can often narrow it down to who wanted the dog and who got dog. Yeah. I personally think does this not opinion? A million people who will listen might disagree. I think he have the right to fight for that dog. Okay. And you can't split. Not bad advice, yeah. Yeah. He doesn't want to be in your life. And he has a right to not be in your life. And you guys just need to move on with your lives and sharing custody of a dog is just a guarantee to make things way more difficult for both of you, especially for you. Yeah, definitely.

And then when you consider your mental health and just, you know, silver lining, and I'm sure you've heard this from family members right now, is that now is a great time to focus on yourself. Yeah. And you are much younger than you feel. I promise you that. You've struggled with your mental health, but you didn't really have an answer. Now you have an answer. And as scary as the answer is, having an answer is a good step forward to finding solutions to your problems. I'm sure it was very nerve-wracking having mental health issues without a clear diagnosis and answer of what was causing those issues. And now hopefully you have doctors you feel good about and a plan to help treat, you know, your bipolar. Definitely. Yeah. And I'm sure though, obviously you'll be probably

put on some medication. They're, you know, managing stress, taking care of your health, exercise, all these things. I think it's, you know, I am not, but I'm not a professional. So like, just, if I'm saying anything wrong, you just tell me don't go fuck myself. But I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that, like, you know, just you having a routine and you, like figuring out what you want and need. And, you know, just like a single mother who has to worry about dating and having kids, and wondering if, you know, who's going to, you know, are other men going to accept her?

You know, the truth is, like, some might not, but some will. Yeah. I think it's really important, you know, this is something, you know, again, like, you need someone who can be by your side and can have the strength to get through it. Part of it, too, was the fact that he, so eight months prior to our breakup, he had asked me to marry him. So we were fully engaged, and I thought that that meant, like, through sickness, and health and all of that.

Sure. Yeah. But yeah. I know that's hard. Engagement's not a wedding. Yeah. But I hear you. Listen,

I'm not trying to minimize what I'm sure felt like that moment. But thank God for you. As someone who's been engaged more than I've been married. Yeah. I am very grateful to not have married the some of the people I was engaged to. Yeah. No disrespect to them. Yeah.

There was a small part of me that felt essentially. of relief when he broke up with me just because, yeah. But if you, you know, and someone in your position, you never, you never imagine as no one does that you would ever be engaged and then not engaged anymore and not married. Like you just, no one plans that. And when it happens, it feels like an L, you know,

it feels like a little bit of a stain. It probably feels like, oh, not only am I bipolar, I also have to tell people I was engaged and now I'm not. And, you know, it's very easy to be. go down there. I also have to cancel a wedding. And I also have to cancel a wedding now and all of that comes with that. But yeah, it definitely was hard.

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's there's no, there's no, it is hard. And it sucks. And you have the right to. Yeah. Say that, you know, it's fucking sucks. But this can be a new chapter for you.

It really, really can. It really, you know, I'm sure if you listen to this show, you've heard me talk about like just obviously like there's these moments. we have and we can look back and it can be, you know, and this is definitely a fork in the road moment for you in your life. And instead of, and again, you have the right to feel sad and you have the right to feel down, but trying to focus on forward and positivity and in the winds, you know, and things like that will help you get the ship going in the right direction. And this could be, you know, listen, you're bipolar.

It is something you are now going to have to live with. But millions of people do and millions of people have happy lives. And the difference between those who do and don't often comes down to, you know, how they were, you know, what they did to help take care of themselves. I know that's not across the board and I'm sure there are degrees of how severe. And I'm sure I recognize that not all solutions and medications work for all. people with bipolar, but let's focus on the positive and let's assume that you can take charge of your life in a meaningful way and you can, and you can tackle this challenge. And overall, like, you can live with it. You know, and I think right now that's the focus of the, it's the rest of your

life. My first girlfriend I met when I was 18, we did for seven years, off and on, broke up a lot of times but either way for seven years she was she was the center of my universe she was my whole life uh and that and now she's a distant memory this this man will be a distant memory in your life he will he will be a you know it doesn't feel that way right now because half your own almost half your life he's been the most important thing yeah and that's and that's going to feel like a loss but it will it will pass i promise and then you will reach a point where you're just like, yeah, that guy used to date. I look forward to that day for you. Yeah. Because I'm sure what I'm saying, you're like, you can recognize, yeah, you're, you know, I'm sure maybe he's right, but like,

you can't, you can't imagine it right now. Yeah, it's hard to actually feel that way right now. Sure. But I know it will come at some point. I haven't struggled with what you struggled with, with what you struggle with. But I do remember mentally spiraling at your age around relationships and losing relationships. And it never helped me just, you know, focusing on the negative. Yeah. This is true. Yeah.

And it's easy to do. And I had a hard time getting kind of unstuck. Again, I'm, you know, and I'm just giving you practical advice. I don't know if any of this advice I'm giving you is, doesn't apply, you know, to someone who's bipolar. And I'm sure you have some limitations. It's all sticking. It all makes sense.

Yeah. And I just think to whatever degree, despite your limitations, which exist, not always leading with what you can't do because of your bipolar, but focusing on what you also can do and what you can overcome and what you can do in spite of

is just a better approach. That's true. I think to, I think if you treat... It depends on what you focus on. I think you've got to try as much as you can to not see yourself as different. And when different shows up and when you have to deal with your bipolar,

give yourself to grace to recognize that, like, yeah, I mean, it'll happen. But you will overcome it in those moments. I've gotten medicated and everything since this has all happened. So I feel like I'm doing a lot better. That's awesome. Yeah. Practical advice, fight for the dog. And just be like, listen, I can't share a dog with you.

You've made a decision. I respect it. I want the dog. I was the one who wanted the dog. But, like, I can't share the dog. I can't have you in my life. I want to move on. I respect your decision, but I want the dog.

And I would fight for it. That's my personal opinion. That's good advice. I haven't thought about that. But yeah, it would be nice to not have to see him all the time. He might definitely disagree, but I don't think you should just accept that, oh, I have to co-parent this dog in perpetuity with this man because we bought the dog together. He made a decision.

you're no longer together and there are consequences of that decision. I would fight for the dog. Yeah. I would pick that fight when you have possession of that dog. Yeah, yeah. I have for right now. Maybe I could bring it up. Yeah.

Don't pick it when he has possession of the dog. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, really surround yourself with people who are there for you right now. I think right now is just a really important time for you to take care of yourself and find, mind, you know, yeah, listen, you know, you get to date, you get to experience the world, you get to go on some bad dates. That can be fun, you know, it's going to be stuck in the moment, but, you know, you get to, you know, it's, the world's going to open up for you a little bit. And I think when you start dating and when you get comfortable about disclosing your mental

health, you know, do it when you're comfortable, get some practice. When you start dating early on, you don't need to disclose it right away. This is not some, you know, right now you're just dating to date, I think. You just, this is practice. You know, if things get serious, then you can address it then. Call back in. We can, we can, we can, we can, we can, we can, we can workshop some things. But I, you know, I think it's really important for you to get a hold of this thing, you know. This is still very new for you to accept. And really, you know, get to a place where you have accepted this diagnosis. You feel good about the treatment you're getting. You have a plan to work through when things aren't going so well and really get a hold of

your life. And that should be the priority right now. And you only being 26 is a blessing. That's my advice. That's my advice. Yeah. That's all great advice. And I'm in therapy too and doing all the things to try to work on how to get better with my bipolar. And so yeah, I think that's all great advice. Okay. Any other specific questions or anything else want to talk? about? I don't think so. I think that pretty much covers it. Thanks for all your words of wisdom. No problem. And listen, like, try to let go of the, like, listen, I understand it hurts what he did, but like you just don't want, you don't want, you don't want to be with someone who's not strong enough. You got to take care of yourself. And maybe this is, you know, you've only known one love

and there's a good chance to your first, like at least for was for me, you know, he probably wasn't going to be your best love. Now you get to experience that again, and it can be fun. All good things in the future. Just take care. Just take care yourself. I promise you when it feels it's going to be okay. Yeah, again, I can only imagine what you're going through because I remember a different scenario. I had less of a reason to be afraid, I suppose than you did, and I still was very afraid of the future. So I empathize with that. But I, you know, it sounds like you're in a good position with your your healthcare providers and you're heading in a good direction and I think that's a great place to start yeah yeah definitely I agree well thank you I appreciate it good luck

thanks all right bye bye how's it going uh it's going um my name is Samantha I am 28 um and my question is my boyfriend too jealous okay why do we think your boyfriend's jealous okay why do we think your boyfriend's jealous. It started as something that I thought was relatively reasonable. I used to preface, I've known him about 10 years, and we didn't start dating until like maybe two-ish years ago. So we've known each other a while, but I guess the first kind of thing that brought up this issue was I was still friends with a prior situation ship, and he, of course, did not like

that, which I understood. I also didn't want to call off friends for that. That situation has since been resolved. You're kind of glossing over a lot of things. All right. So you've known your current boyfriend for over 10 years. You started dating two years ago, give or take. Prior to that or going into this current relationship,

you were in a situation ship? I wasn't in the situation ship. The situation ship had ended, but we had continued a friendship. Right. right i know you wouldn't like that i don't it's like it's i don't i don't personally care but you appreciate why someone your dating might have a be be confused by that right yeah and and just give me the who was the hopeful one in that situation ship uh i suppose i was okay yeah no good answer to that because in in a situation ship there is someone who wishes they

were at least at some point together and then they have to accept to remain friends that they're not going to get what they want and there's always the well what did you do with those feelings right but there's no version of that story where a new partner following uh that situation ship uh that situation should especially if it's somewhat recent you know like if it was like oh yeah we were in a situation ship five years ago. We've been friends for four. Even then, I feel like the new partner would have a right to feel a little bit uncomfy. Right.

But this sounds like it was months after? It feels like a long time ago now and I am not in contact with him anymore. So there's a, it's, I'm trying to think of like really the timeline. I guess I stopped talking to him like in January. So of this year? Of this year, but we didn't talk frequently. No, I'm just more curious about when you started, when you and your current boyfriend started dating,

how much time was in between the situation ship and this friendship? How long were you guys only friends? Oh, yeah, probably like six months. Six months, okay. Yeah. And so how was that addressed? I don't feel like there was ever a full, like, conclusion to that.

We do see a therapist together just because that was my stipulation for us, even dating, was we were being in therapy. And so we talked about it some with the therapist, but I don't, I don't feel like there was ever a resolution. How was it even addressed? I mean, at some point you must have said, by the way, I have this friend, Mike, and just, you know, Mike and I were kind of a thing. It ended up not happening. We just ended up being friends.

But like, what was your ask? Like, how did you bring it to your boyfriend's attention? Oh. Um, well, because I knew him as a, like, I knew my boyfriend as a friend before we became boyfriends. He knew of this guy that I was seeing. So he had a front row seat to the situation ship. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Even more reason to feel a little uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And I guess what was your position then? Position. When you, like, when you started dating your current boyfriend, you had a friend that you had all well intentions. You had truly accepted. It was just, in your heart, it was pure, so to speak. Regardless of your boyfriend's

discomfort, you must have had a position on how you felt like or how you wanted this dynamic. to be handled. It sounds like you wanted to maintain the friendship and then explore a relationship with your current boyfriend. But I'm just, how did you position? Like, what was your ask to your boyfriend? At some point, it must have been addressed. Yeah.

I mean, I guess my position was like, he doesn't live in the state anymore. He's not, like, you don't have anything to worry about in that sense. It's not that we talk every day on the phone. Like, we talk very infrequently. But you would, like, talk on the phone. He would just call up and you would chit chat about. your life? Yeah. But I was like happy. I mean, I told him, I was like, you can look at all of our texts. If I have no issue answering the phone while you're around. What were you, what were you getting from

that relationship that your boyfriend couldn't? I enjoyed talking to him. I thought he had really interesting just positions on things. I felt like, like, if I had something that I was thinking about, I could like bring it to him and he just would have an interesting thought on it. And then I I guess since we had known each other. In a way that your boyfriend wouldn't? Yeah. Okay. Well, true or not, that doesn't make it less easy for your boyfriend to digest.

Right. You know. Yeah. I mean, part of picking a partner, so to speak, you know. Like, you know, listen, if the world, like, if the world truly revolved around us, then, and we got to do whatever we want, I'm sure many of us would find people to fit certain roles. certain people would be ones we would have conversations with. They would be an expert for, in an expert friend and for every situation. And we would just get pick and choose and everyone would just be like,

hey, I'm just happy to be here. But that obviously isn't reality. Right. And a big part of being an adult committed, emotional, connected relationship is to feel, you know, valued and feel like, you know, hey, my partner comes to me about their worries and stresses. And I, you know, I'm not the most interesting person in the world. and I don't think my wife has every answer to every question,

but she's just always, you know, we feel like each other's go-to. And early in this relationship, you know, your boyfriend literally wasn't. And I'm also just, is it safe to say that these things that you found interesting about, call them Mike, were some of the same reasons where you were attracted to him in the situation ship? Yeah, that's fair. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

Anyway, so let's, you know how I feel about Mike. Why, why do we today feel like your boyfriend might be jealous? Right. So in that situation, I, even though I had what I wanted and, or like, I didn't have what I wanted. He, I knew what I wanted. He knew what he wanted. It didn't, that wasn't compatible, but it also became a non-issue later on. You talking about your boyfriend or Mike?

Mike. With Mike. Why didn't you end up together? Why didn't we end up to? Oh, he sucked. Mike sucked? He, yeah, yeah. But yet he's still, he's still valued calls?

I think I, and this is just a personal thing of mine, I, people fascinate me. And I, like, he, he just had an ever evolving. I revolving issues that, like, fascinated me without getting into too much detail, if that makes sense. It makes enough sense. Yeah, for sure. He intrigued you. You found him interesting. And you are, you know, like I like to think of myself as a curious person. I'm in school. I was, I guess you could say a jock, so to speak. But, you know, in my adult life, how I've made friends, I have a very diverse group of friends with diverse personalities. And I value that about. myself and how you know and I think my curiosity about people has led led to that yeah

and I think that's a great quality for people to have it sounds like you have it but there's a lot of interesting people in the world and sometimes we just have to say goodbye to people we can't cherry pick you know it's like well I can't have them for this but maybe I'm for that I mean and again as a single person you have the freedom to do it other fuck you want and collect all different types of friends and acquaintances and you know as a single person I um I had I had like a work mom at one job. She was like 10 years old than me, and I would talk to her about all my problems and stuff.

And, you know, not that that would have complicated in a relationship. But my point is, it's like I just, as a single person, and I had no, you know, I didn't have a one woman in my life,

you know, like to really lean into. And so, like, I had different friends that have dinner and drinks and coffee and all these wonderful women friends that kind of play, you know, and what that is is,

you know, and I've talked about this before, they kind of, they've filled that role, A bunch of different, filled out a kind of role that the quality time that I enjoyed with women, you know, in general. I was able to get that through a bunch of different women and friends because I didn't have a girlfriend. But for most people, when you're in a relationship and to build a bond, it requires some sacrifice and it requires to really lean into the person you want to build a relationship with. As you start dating someone, you'll learn about strengths and weaknesses.

no doubt you will compare it to past interactions with people. They will shine in some areas. There will be areas where it's just like, if I was judging, if I was comparing, I kind of preferred that with the other person than I do with this. But like for a relate, you know, you really have to lean in and and you have to develop as a couple. You know, you get what I'm saying?

So. Yeah. There is all that. Anyways, back to where are we now with your current boyfriend? Yeah. So the issue that, like, actually made me write in was more related to, um, so he, I moved to this town around like five years ago. And when I did, I joined a gym. I'm friends with a lot of people at the gym. And I am always, I have always been someone who has had a lot of guy friends. Um, and female friends as well, but guy friends as well. And the issue was that one of my male friends invited me to see a movie with some of the other male friends, which is not weird. In this context, my boyfriend has met them.

He would claim that he doesn't know them, but I've been trying to be like, well, then come to the things that we all do together. And he, I had, I think I texted back something like, like, is okay if I bring my boyfriend essentially. And they were like, oh, yeah, totally bring him, whatever. And so I invited him. I will say the fact that you had to ask their permission is kind of weird. Maybe weird is the wrong word. Yeah. If I'm your, yeah, it just, why do you have to ask?

Why is it bringing my boyfriend? Yeah. I mean, I guess I don't know what's normal in that situation. If they had said no, I wouldn't have gone. Like, I would have thought that was weird. Sure. Yeah. But just the fact that like.

Yeah. That makes it their thing that you're, I mean, listen, I've had a ton of women friendships when I was single and growing up. You know, I really valued that, you know, I don't, what you're describing, I don't think your boyfriend's, maybe he's jealous, but what you're telling me doesn't in my mind make him jealous. It more sounds to me like you are trying to, you know, I think his response seems normal, which is, it sounds like his response is to be uncomfortable with this situation. and not down. And it's not about you doing something wrong. It's not about him not about him not trusting you. I think most partners, men or woman, would be uncomfortable with this ask.

You know, you're part of a gym. You met a lot of guy friends. And again, everything can be kosher. Everything could be totally, you know, and again, this is me. But I just think if you really wanted to be in a committed relationship, if you guys, you know, I don't know what you and your, he's worthy enough to get couples therapy with. sounds like you guys are working on a future together. If that is the goal, if the goal is building a life together, then I would encourage you

to really put all your chips in and really invest in that relationship and invest in the things that you like doing together. And I do think if you want to be in a committed relationship, it does require some sacrifice, and often that is sacrificing the male friends you have in your life. And maybe there's some exceptions to that rule. But I think it'd be very hard pressed to find any person, man or woman, to be generally comfortable with their partner having a handful of, like, just men they go out to dinner with, men they do things with. Most guys or women aren't going to be, I think it's great that you have tried to bring him along.

I think you're doing the right things by trying to include him. But his reluctance to want to become bros with his girlfriend's guy friends is not something I think many people would be excited about doing. Also, you've heard the term curiosity killed the cat, so to speak. Mm-hmm. Yeah. As a curious person who's intrigued by different personalities, I just think it's a slippery slope by exploring these things that fascinate you about people. Yeah. You're only two years into this relationship, so it's still relatively new. You probably know what you're fighting for, you know, probably a lot of good things about this relationship outside of this thing that you're struggling with. Ten years in this relationship, maybe there's some kids into the equation. You feel a little disconnected with your partner. You know, your guys are just busy with life. And you have this other person who you find fascinating who intrigues you, who's a little bit different than your partner. That's how affairs happen.

Yeah. And I don't think. Most people who cheat are like, yeah, I'm going to cheat someday. Mm-hmm. Fair. They, most people, they don't realize how it happened. And then it happens. So I would just, you know, I would recognize that part of yourself. And you have to be able to turn it out and off.

Mm-hmm. You're not doing anything wrong. Yeah. I just think what you're asking, I don't think his response is out of the ordinary, unless there's things you're leaving out. At the end of the day, you only have so much time in your life. You only have so much bandwidth. Whoever you, you know, if you're investing in one person, you're not investing in another.

And, you know, the fact that you, like, wanted to maintain any relationship with Mike, who as a partner was terrible. But his intriguingness and how he viewed the world was still fascinating for you enough to be like, I still want, I still want this. enough to want to have like even once a month calls where you would just open up to him about, I don't know, who knows? 99 of 100 people would feel uncomfortable at that situation. And it's not a matter of trust. I don't want to have to trust my partner in those situations. It's just like, why do I have to, you know, I had a girlfriend once a long time ago,

kind of. And she dated a professional athlete. And it was like a situation ship. And it was before we got together. And it sounds like things ended amicably. Amically because it was more like, he's a professional athlete. She had, you know, and she was like, you know, this, you know, she didn't take it that,

but it was like it probably, it was exciting. And it sounds like he was a gentleman and nice. And it was like at the end of things cordially. And every once in a while he had reached out to her. And I really trusted her. Really, I thought, you know, just a real high character person. And then one night she was like, yeah, he's in town of Chicago and me

and me, you know, it's just like, and her and her girlfriends wanted to go down to Chicago and like, it didn't even sound like bullshit. It sounded like my, my girlfriend at the time had a, had a connection with this professional athlete who had other professional athlete friends

and they invited her and her friends for an exciting night in Chicago. That sounds exciting. And she was like, I want to go have this exciting night in Chicago. And I was like, I, you know, and she was asked me what I thought about it. I'll never forget because I've always hated to be like, I never, like in a relationship, I wanted, you know, I never wanted to be the one who's like telling my partner, no,

you can't, like, I'm not your parent. I don't want it to have to tell you no. Right. So I remember, I'll never forget. She was like, I was like, well, I mean, you do what you want. And she's like, all right, well, I'm going to go. And then five minutes later, I called her off. I was like, you know what?

I lied. I don't like, I'm, no. I, you know, like, you're making me fucking do it, but I'm not comfortable with it. She ended up going. And then I was like, I remember my work mom who I worked with that. I was like, I think I have to break up with that girlfriend. We ended up not breaking up at the time. But I just, I tell you that story because I just remember that feeling of like, why am I having, why do I have to, why do I have to say no that this crazy ask?

Like if you, and I was like, if you want to do, this is what you want to do, you should be single. You know, if you want the freedom, if you want to date me and you want to, I don't know, we were talking about, she wanted to move in with me. you know and like you know she we are thinking about a future together and I was like you know I'm you know I'm not calling you up and being like you know I got invited on a boat by these models I used to hang out with and you know you can trust me but like you know but you know it's I'm not going to do anything but you know it's like but I'm going to go party and yeah like you know you don't have to you don't want to have to ask your partner to trust you and have to like still worry about You know, it's like...

Yeah. And obviously, I'm sure he said things to you, like, I don't trust you, I don't trust them. And there's something to be said about that. And I'm sure you've said that about other women. That's his line. And I'm sure... And do you trust other women around your guy?

You know, like you've never used that phrase about other women? You know, it's funny, though? Like, I don't, but I do trust him so I don't care. Like, I'm like, well, they can try. I mean, listen, every relationship, relationship needs that level of trust. but there's a difference between like, hey, your boy is going to go out with the guys at the bar knowing there'll be women there versus like planning an event around.

There are just certain things that if you want to be in a relationship, there are certain things you have to give up. Yeah. I mean, I guess I, my parents always had like male and female friends. And so I just don't think of it as that weird. I do realize and like in just. What were those? Dynamics.

I mean. Well, that's the thing. They were all friends with, like, people that they worked with. And so typically, if they were hanging out together, like, they would hang out together with whoever. Yeah. And so trying to think about it that way, I can. My best friend met a woman.

They, you know, they're now married with kids. I became good friends with her. And we would often go get lunch and I'd talk about my girl problems when he was working. It was so much the thing. I'd go visit her at the salon. She worked. And it was a running joke that some people thought we were married and yutty. but like again like I made for I became friends with her through my friend and it was easy to have

and she was truly a friend that was a woman you know and that and that and how we met definitely mattered uh in terms of his comfort level of her his wife or his partner being you know and so I think it's oversimplified to be like well my parents had friends of the opposite sex and so there's no scenario you know at the situation how it's started, I think matters greatly. Yeah. But these guys, like that I'm friends with now, like, there's never been any romantic interest on either end. Like, that's never been an issue. Yeah, it doesn't matter. The fact that you tried to be friends with Mike, I think is just like, it's a red flag. Except the stage. It's a red flag. There's something in you that is,

for whatever reason, wants to like collect and hold on to these people. Like, you know, you are investing these people. I understand that like, you know, they're, you know, it's an investment you don't want to let go of. And you, you know, you can trust yourself. And I, I understand all the the thought process I'm sure you've, you've had to, and again, you're not doing anything wrong. It's just a, all I'm saying is, I don't think this makes your boyfriend jealous. If nothing else, you guys might not be compatible, you know, um, you, you,

you have the right to have whatever relationship you want. And, and, and I'm not, you know, you don't have to listen to me and to, you know, you can be like fuck Nick and he's wrong and I this is my opinion I'm not yeah but I do think what you're asking is unique and it will be hard to find yeah um and I also just don't think that it's fair to label people jealous just because they're not down for what you want and they're not comfortable with what most people wouldn't be comfortable with like again you had to ask their permission you didn't feel comfortable enough to just bring them along and I think that's a red flag yeah I I guess I didn't know if it was like a gym thing or like...

Whatever the reason. Again, I'm not saying you're doing something wrong. It's just the... Yeah. It's the... They're not assuming it off the bat. But it just speaks to the dynamic of the relationship you have with these people. And he has every right to just be a little uncomfortable.

Yeah. I think what... And this might be a whole other thing. But like, I guess I find it ironic because... in his past relationships, he has cheated. I've never cheated. And so I feel like it feels like hypocritical to me. And maybe that's why I get frustrated.

I can see how you got there. But I think kind of one has nothing to do with the other. I don't think the fact that he's cheated, which you have accepted about him and still chose to enter into this relationship. I don't think you, and I'm not saying you're actually throwing it in his face, but like internally, you are kind of using it against him as a character flaw. And telling yourself he has less of a, you know, right, it's like, and, you know, on some level, maybe he is projecting a little bit.

I am, regardless of his cheating, all I'm saying is the non-cheater would almost certainly have a similar reaction to your boyfriend about some of your ass. tasks. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Well, I think also it's helpful to put the whole,

like the thing that started it with Mike or whatever. Like that that can also set the stage for a sense of just like you're, I mean, I can see how that's a red flag. And so then future things become more. It's just like, why is my girlfriend constantly investing energy to fight to have these other men in her life. Like, what am I not giving her that she needs? Right.

Would be a, I, I, yeah, yeah. You know, especially when it comes to, like, intimate phone call, like, a phone call is pretty intimate. Um, you're just talking, you know. It doesn't have to be, though. I mean, but yeah, I see you're saying. I'm not saying you're having phone sex, but like you, there's an intimacy. Yeah.

And just, like, listening to someone waxing poetic and finding them fast. There's an intimacy in that. It's what you drew you to him. It's why you liked Mike in the first place. Come on. Yeah. Well, and I do think that's something that I have learned because like you said, I do have a weird curiosity complex. I think I do. I have actually been told that I collect people. And so like some people are not necessarily worth collecting, so to say. In like, yes, they might be interesting. And yes, they could be interesting for 20 more years. But like, is that worth necessarily giving us? have other things in your life or the consequences of whatever that might look like. So, yeah. To sum it up. I mean, you know, I don't know what are your relationship goals, marriage kids, all that. Mm-hmm.

Okay. All that. Those, it just requires a huge amount of sacrifice. It just does. And a lot of that sacrifice comes down to a big category is friendships. Those, you know, now that river's about to get into school, you know, we were probably going to make a lot of friends with her friends' parents, you know. Yeah.

that will dictate our friend, you know, we have some friends settling down, some of them are having kids. We're really excited because, like, you know, it increases the chances that it'll be easier to stay in touch with some of these people. Yeah. Because, like, again, like, we've made a sacrifice, we've made a choice. We chose to get married and we chose to have kids. It's a beautiful thing. It comes with an immense amount of sacrifice and we're happier for it, but it's still a sacrifice. You know, you still have to give things up. Question, though. Like you said you're happier for it. Yeah. Does that also feel then like sacrifice?

Or does it just not even feel like sacrifice because it's just what you want to do? Big picture, the latter. But on a day-to-day basis, you know, like it's not, but you know what I'm saying? Like overall, I love my life. I've never been happier or more fulfilled. You know, I have to ask my wife's permission. I'm trying to sneak in a video game. I'm in a, I joined a Madden League.

I'm trying to get in this afternoon. I hope I am. It's not going to come without a little bit of. disappointment and I'm going to have to like I'm probably to admit you know I I you know and you know that's not always fun to do sometimes it's just like guys can't just get away for a while like sometimes going the grocery store is like vacation and like you know there are moments where you're just like fuck you know that shit's hard you know and there are moments where you want to get away and everyone's allowed those moments and having those moments doesn't mean you don't you're not

happy right um it doesn't mean you're not like overall fulfilled but like you're you're human being you're allowed to have a moment, all of us. Yeah. Right? Sometimes I think people lose sight of the things that make them happy. You know, when it comes to kids in marriage, it's just, you know, yeah, it's much easier to find the people like shitting on it, you know, everyone likes to complain. Everyone loves, everyone loves a pity party, you know, misery loves company, all those things, right? And so I think it's easy to lose sight of all the great things that come in relation because it's hard. I mean, like, you know, you have kids. It is harder for Nali and I to connect. You know, right now we have two, baby twins in between us.

Yeah. Going to bed every night, you know. And then sometimes there's river. That's hard. You know, we've got to make the effort, you know. It's worth it to us. But it does take work. And it's okay to acknowledge that it takes work.

You don't have to be so delusional that, oh my God, like, it's all like, it's all easy. It's all hard a lot of the times. Yeah. I feel like I might be learning this a little bit late, but I feel like in your childhood that a lot of times you make decisions based off of like how they feel like do they feel good in this moment and then as you get older like sometimes the good decisions don't necessarily feel good in the moment but it's for a bigger purpose my best decisions i've made are ones that i've been that have ones i've focused in the long term yeah yeah i mean that that is a profound realization that

most people never get to um i wouldn't even say you're late i i think this world isn't is sending that message. Everything's about instant gratification these days. Yeah. And entitlement. But yeah, in adult life, very few just like it's the instant gratification really gives us in trouble. It's the same, you know, you can, you can drill it down to sweets. It's my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, slash cat analogy that I came up with before I started dating, you know, it's just like, you want the sugar, you know it feels good. It's all you can think about. You're not thinking about how it makes you feel afterwards. Yeah. You pig out, you immediately regret it.

A lot of dating is very similar to that kind of dopamine, you know, things you have to invest in, the long-term decision is what you should be thinking about. Because an investment has an, you know, by definition has an element of it, takes, you know, very few investments pay off a day later. Yeah. You have to give it time to grow. You have to invest in it. Yeah.

You know, things you have to invest in, the reason why you're willing to do it is because the investment is what makes it great and profound. Right. Yeah. I think it's interesting that people have called you. I mean, you know, when I said collect people,

I, you know. Yeah, that's interesting. I think that's something you should think about, and acknowledge. Yeah. And I think that is playing a big role

and why you're struggling with this. Yeah. And if this is a man you are really serious about, then I would spend more your energy focusing I'm building what you guys like doing, finding your things you like doing together. And you will probably be able like your parents to have male friendships outside of him, but maybe you find them together as a couple, you know, and maybe a couple. But it should be fairly unique.

Again, these are men that you want to invest in. Yeah. On some level, you want to carve out some time to go do the things with them. And I get, you know, like you, sounds like you enjoy the gym culture in the community there. It all makes sense. And again, as a single person, it would be something you would totally be down for. But you're still investing in them. And any partner would feel like you'd rather do that than, and him tagging along just to play chaperone is not something he's going to want to do.

Yeah. Fair. I mean, I do think that just in terms of what you're saying, I probably, I think I have a tendency to focus a little bit more on. I don't think of my decisions as a we as much as maybe I should if I'm like thinking of investing in that of a long-term relationship. That's a good. Like I think of it. It's like this is something I want to do. You know what I mean?

Versus something. That's a good really. I mean, yeah. Not sustainable. Yeah. And the type of relationship you say you want to build. Yeah. You know, or it's not.

Yeah. Yeah. Like. And I'm guessing if you found that person who was down to do it, you wouldn't be attracted to him. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. But I don't really want to find out. Yeah, it would require, I mean, I don't know, unless you're, unless you are attracted to someone who's just kind of a push over and just kind of comes and goes when you please.

And, you know, like, to whatever degree you are attracted to a guy who takes, you know, all the, all the masculine tropes out there. I think the issues, I see it as his insecurities versus like, but I don't know how to not. I know you're saying any guy would feel that way. I'm sure your boyfriend has insecurities. I think it's a little unfair to point them out using this. Because whatever insecurities he actually has, you using this situation to point that out will honestly make it harder for you to get him to actually acknowledge whatever insecurity he has.

Because again, he feels valid for being uncomfortable with this. And most people would agree he is valid. so you're and you know what I'm saying yeah and they're you know and you're kind of using you're you know listen you're being a little it's a little selfish you know you want this is what you want you're not thinking like you said you're not thinking about the relationship you're thinking about you and in relationships you have to think about the relationship first you just do or you don't want to be in one and that's fine it's you know like I said to my girlfriend back Like, if you don't want it, like, you don't, maybe you don't want this.

It's not, it's wrong. I'm not, you know, I just, I don't want to tell you what to do. But if you want this, this is what, you know, is what we need to do. No, that actually is super helpful. I actually think about it. I think, um, yeah, no, I think that's super helpful. Because I think that I do, I think I do think of it really selfishly in terms of it's just, yeah, I don't think about it as a we.

Yeah. And I should. That's, that's, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, you know, people talk about bare minimum. as far as the relationship, that's the bare minimum. You know, it requires both people. But relationships, you know, you can only do 50% of your half. You know, it requires both people to show up.

It requires you guys to be on the same page. You have to sometimes make compromises and sacrifice. You don't always have to agree with it, but it's for the greater good of the relationship. Yeah. And that should feel equitable. But like, yeah, like, well, you cheated and I didn't. So I am allowed more freedom in our relationship than you. you are is not like that's not how it works well yeah and i think i'm able to skate by a lot because i think

naturally i'm a pretty i'm always aware of everything happening around me so i can see what he needs and check in on him on a daily basis and like all the kind of more superficial superficial day-to-day stuff i can do well and i feel like that's what i thought of as a relationship but in terms of like like you said big picture all-encompassing there are other things that yeah I don't know. It makes sense. You have to, you both have to make each other feel safe. Another, another bare minimum. And that, and not in the, you know, save, be a hero.

But just like, imagine just the, he has to, fucking just, the fact that he's got like, it must be so annoying for him to be like, I got to debate my girlfriend about all these guys she wants to hang out with. Like, what am I doing? It's just like, it's like, he must be so exhausted. Sorry. Yeah. No, it's fair.

And I will say, like, not to, like, I don't know. I'm a very blunt person. Not to, like, be too harsh, but, like, he's not super verbally articulate. So it's, like, helpful to, like, have an articulate answer of, like, what he's probably thinking. You know what I mean? No, I hear you. Yeah. And I am somebody who I know sometimes I think I'm right.

And then I just think I'm right. And so I try to stay open to other positions, but like it is hard when you just think you're right. But I do know that about myself. I try to be aware of that. Well, in relationships, it's not about being right often because it's like back to our original moment that we had that I think is the best takeaway is that you're, you're right about what you want, but you're not necessary thinking about what the relationship needs. And so it's your you're right about what you, you know. Of course you're right. You know you're not going to go to this event and fuck you and have an orgy.

So yeah, you're right. You know, he can trust you. You know, you're right. But, like, he's like, I don't care. I just like, can we go on a, like, I want to do, I don't want to do that. And I don't want to feel, I don't want to feel like I'm the bad guy because I want to hang out with your bros. But that's a great way to frame it. Like, I can be right.

Woohoo. But, like, it's not what their relationship needs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. This is helpful? Sweet.

Well, thank you. Yeah, I appreciate this. This is awesome. Thank you so much. It's an adjustment. I, you know, it's an adjustment being in a relationship. And finding the right person makes it worth it. You know, not every day, not every moment, but big picture.

Yeah. Awesome. Cool. Well, thanks, Nick. Take care. Thank you. Thanks for the call. All right.

Bye-bye.