The Viall Files - E120 Ask Nick - Dickmatized with Hannah Berner

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

Hannah Berner, comedian and star of Bravo’s Summer House, joins Nick to answer questions from fans during the quarantine. They speak to a guy who is not sure how to go about buying an engagement ring, someone who is reaching a vaccine for COVID19, someone who doesn’t know how to deal with thirsty snapchats, and a guy who thinks he is “undateable.” You don’t want the first date to feel like an obstacle course that the other person has to get through! Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: LIQUID IV: https://liquid-iv.com CODE: VIALL BEST FIENDS: https://download.bestfiends.com GRUBHUB: https://www.grubhub.com CODE: VIALL See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody happy monday to you all thanks for tuning in to another episode of the vile files i am joined by my friend hannah bernard or how would you say it if you're a famous hannah they're near that's like if i'm a big deal like i'm an important person that people respect uh you might know hannah from summer house uh i know hannah because i met her when she used to work for betches um how did you go from working at Betches to being on Summer House? Was this like a dream to be a reality TV star that you are now? So funny. All I did was I was like making fun of reality TV. I was interviewing you guys.

I was in comedy. I was writing little funny videos. And then Summer House reached out. And I like that they show your work during the week. So I thought it'd be cool to like promote my comedy and stuff. And then I got fired from Betches and here i am yeah you got fired why no real reason um i think i i kind of hit a glass ceiling there and i realized that i have an entrepreneurial spirit to me and if i was going to be on the show i wanted my own podcast and i wanted to kind of

do my own thing and when wanted to kind of do my own thing. And when, when you got fired, did you storm off and turn around and say, well, whatever, you guys are just a bunch of betches anyways. Exactly. No, but I think that they taught me so much about, you know, comedic timing and editing videos and meeting cool people like you. And then I was able to use that to help me do my own thing. How is your dating life going? How are you doing in the time of corona? Honestly, dating after being on a reality TV show

is so much more complicated, I feel like. I don't, I mean, I'll be honest. I'm familiar with Summer House. I don't watch it. Is there a lot of like relationships, obviously, and people dating on the show? Yeah, there's a lot of relationships but also like if i start talking to someone let's say in may then i have to be like this is my life so i

have to be like are you cool with being on camera and that complicates things and then when we're filming it's hard to meet someone because like you have cameras and lights behind you so if i'm at a bar and i start going towards a guy they will run away from me um and then it's weird when people recognize you on dating apps that seems impossible yeah like you're bachelor you're dealing with people who signed up for this stuff where if i don't like any guys that are on the cast that means i have to be a bachelor world people will be like oh hey i sort of met you but i'm gonna go on paradise so like yeah i'm gonna like fall in love pretend but like will you wait for me like dad did and then like they accidentally win um how does that work then like because on the on the bachelor like if you go on the show like there's a whole like psych test and

std testing and things like that but like with you guys if you meet a guy at the bar and you're like hey do you want to go on the show like he can have herpes and you can still date yeah that's a new storyline it's called how to kind of recovered from her herpes from the weird guy she met at the bar um it's weird yeah um and there's cameras everywhere it's like big brother so they catch everything and um i i also kind of been focusing on my career a lot recently and had that kind of like emotional unavailability where it's like, I just want to have fun with dudes. But now I'm starting to realize with the quarantine that time's running out. And I've been working on my own mental health. Like I had a really bad breakup when I was like 26. And then I realized like, okay, it's not

because of the guy. It's because of your past trauma that you have to cope with but now I feel like I'm in a good place and I'm just I'm picky I don't just want to date anyone so I've been just dating so when it comes to like you being on summer house is like it's almost as if it sounds like you maybe have put your dating life on hold but like you're you're open to dating and obviously the show element but like do you really think you're gonna meet like your person while doing summer house oh you always ask the most painful questions um it's made me realize it's gonna be hard because a lot of guys that are like marriage material or like i can't go on reality tv because i have like some important finance job or something but finance guys are

primarily mostly douchey but right like for example right now i do have a relationship with a guy named luke on the show and if i talk to someone else they're like dude you're making out with this guy every wednesday and like promoting him on your social media and i'm like yeah it's complicated so so how long until you get off of Summer House and actually give your love life a real shot? I think that if it's meant to be with someone, it's not a timing thing. Oh, you believe in meant to be?

No, but I'm the kind of person that I think if I really hit it off with someone, we'll be like, we can't help but be together. Cause I'm, I'm a unique, I'm a unique, you know, flavor.

Sure. What if your guy is just like, you meet this guy and he's like, listen, I really like you. Like, and you're, and you feel just as strong.

You're just like, but he's like, listen, I just, I, I don't want to. And my job, like you said,

like doesn't like allow for it. Yeah. Are you in it? Like, where are you at in your life or would you consider leaving Summer House if the right guy came along, understanding that like it's such a crazy ask or are you just, is your true love right now reality TV? I think that my true love isn't reality TV.

I don't feel like connected to it creatively. My true love right now is like stand up in my podcast so leaving summer house wouldn't be the worst thing but summer house is kind of the like the where i get all the people to know who i am to do what i love to do i get it but so it sounds like right now you're not ready to really meet someone unless you're so mean to me no that's okay like i think that's okay to point out like sometimes we're not ready to really meet someone. Oh my God, you're so mean to me. No, that's okay. Like, I think that's okay to point out. Like, sometimes we're not ready, you know?

Sometimes we tell ourselves we're ready. And that doesn't mean you can't go out and date, like you said. Yeah. But like, right now you're in a position where you have your priorities on your career. Let's just say, yeah, like my priority right now, I'm not thinking about meeting the man of my dreams.

Like, I wake up thinking, how am I going to build this how am i going to grow what's the next fun thing i want to create and i hope that maybe that mindset will attract the right person because i'm being very authentic to myself and i'm not like forcing anything because i'm very guilty of meeting a guy projecting all this shit onto him tricking him into dating me for eight months and then realizing i don't like him so i'm trying trying to not do that. Yeah. But like I was saying, like you can still be focused on career and still date, right? Maybe you can meet someone, but it's specific for you. You have a very niche career. It's very specific in a lot of ways as we just talked. It's like, it would be understandably very difficult even for your dream guy to be okay with certain things but right now giving your

your priorities you're not ready to kind of be open to that possibility and also if i did meet my dream guy and he went on the show then we'd have to survive the show together well that's what i'm saying that's that's a big maybe like i don't know nick do you want to come on Summer House with me? No. No, thanks. All right, well, should we get to these questions? Hell yeah, let's do it. All right, we got some great callers. A couple 10%ers join us today.

I think you will really enjoy it. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickacastme.com, cast with a K. And make sure to join us tomorrow for our recap of Listen to Your Heart. Best fiends. You know what I've been doing a bunch since I've been inside is playing Best Fiends, which has been great because I'm both passing the time as well as keeping myself sharp. I honestly quite think it's helping me not lose my sanity.

I don't know if you feel the same way, Michelle. Oh, yeah, for sure. And I just like how the further you get in the game the more things change and they become more challenging like uh i don't know if you can see this they're just new fun challenges come up every time every every uh second you think you got it mastered something new happens yeah it never keeps it never gets boring it keeps being. They're always updating it. They have all these puzzles and these challenges. I mean, I love it.

I mean, listen, everyone loves the cute characters. I hate to admit that I feel the same way, but it's kind of nice in that regard. And Nick, who's beating? Who's beating? Rochelle's always been ahead of me. I think I'm like 490 or something. I at 510 you dig it you dig it ahead star i feel like i am catching up a little bit yeah uh you're definitely better than i am best fiends has thousands of levels already uh which new levels events and characters added every month it's hours of fun

right at your fingertips and you can even play. With over 100 million downloads and a ton of five-star reviews, Best Fiends is a must-play. Download Best Fiends free on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R. Best Fiends. Well, people, we've already mentioned the importance of supporting your local restaurants by ordering takeout and also the wonderful convenience of not leaving your couch by doing that with using Grubhub. I used it just yesterday to order pizza. I was doing my questions with Nick. I didn't really have anything in my fridge. And I was like, you know what?

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It was delicious. And I also felt like I was supporting my local community. Just for our listeners, if you download the Grubhub app and enter promo code V-I-A-L-L, you'll get $10 off, $15 or more for new diners. That's promo code V-I-A-L-L for $10 off any order of $15 or more for new diners. So download the Grubhub app today and use promo code V-I-A-L-L to enjoy the restaurants you love delivered. How's it going? My name is Brandon and I'm 26.

Nice to meet you, Brandon, 26. For those of you who can't see Brandon, he is an essential worker. You're a mailman. Good old letter carrier. He also has great eyebrows. Yeah. Thank you. You're welcome.

Well, how can we help you, Brandon? My question is, I'm eventually going to propose my girlfriend and i want to know how much should you spend on a ring and should you take someone with you and if so who okay that's pretty concise uh before we kind of give uh our our two cents on this topic because i'm assuming there's a lot of i've always i've never to honest, I'm not sure of the answer. I can give my opinion. I'm sure Hannah will give some insight here. Why don't you tell us a little bit about your hopefully soon to be fiance and your relationship? So I met her about four and a half years ago. Her cousins actually live a couple blocks from me. We started out as friends for a couple months

and had to make her mine. After I asked her out, been dating for about three and a half, four years. She's a teacher, going to be an elementary school teacher. Just graduated from U of M. I love her. she's the one cool uh and I'm curious is like

what uh is there a reason why you're asking this question have you always wondered not sure have you two like had conversations are you are you getting different opinions Like what's causing you to, to kind of question this? So like, she'll give me ideas, thankfully from the bachelor and bachelorette when good old Neil comes on. That might be a red flag. Yeah. Tell me about it. So she'll give me ideas on what she likes and what she wants it to be, but I've never gone to a jeweler to see how much that would cost. I have a price range in my mind that I would spend, but I don't want her to have something that she doesn't like that she's going to wear the rest of her life.

I'm already proud of him because most men are very bad at taking hints. And it sounds like you've at least alerted yourself on what a hint is. So you're ready ahead of the game. Do you agree, Nick? Totally. I mean, listen, Hannah, you don't know this, but we call the guys who call in our 10 percenters. And I will say so far we're batting 1,000 for the guys who've called in. They'reers and i will say uh so far we're batting a thousand for the

guys who've called in they're always like the sweetest fucking guys like they're always like the they're the reason i mean they listen to the show so they must be like they care they're trying to like they're trying to do things right so uh no surprise that our guy here is is kind of is is like that as well um listen i it really kind of depends. I mean, the thing is, and Hannah can chime in, is that, you know, everyone is different here, right? My point of view might be different than Hannah's. I'm not very materialistic when it comes to this. This also might have to do with like love languages, right? Like I'm not a big gift guy. I don't like receiving gifts

and I don't mind giving gifts if that's what the person likes. But at the same time, I don't like to express my love and feelings with materialistic items. Like I don't wanna feel like I'm buying love and affection. Now, an engagement ring is a little different. That's your speech for why you didn't get your girlfriend an engagement ring?

No, listen, I hope this piece of yarn suffices because I want you to know that our love is real. But yeah, I mean, listen, it's one of those things like, before The Bachelor, I was engaged once. It was a tragic engagement. That being said, yeah, I spent a nice chunk of change, especially for myself at the time and the money I made. And yeah, I don't think, listen,

I don't think you should break the bank. I, this is my personal opinion. I don't think you should spend money you don't have, um, in a sense, like if you've been saving up, great. I don't think you should be taking out loans for an engagement ring. Um, I don't think, you know, you, I don't think you should put yourself and your potential future wife in any type of financial situation. You struggle just because she wants the ring of her dreams. I mean, certainly you want to give it to her. I get that. But you can always upgrade. Here's the thing. If she's the type of person where the ring quality matters to her, then she won't mind an upgrade.

It's that simple, right? If she is the type of person who it's about what it symbolizes and certainly she wants a ring, but it doesn't need anything special, she may never want to upgrade because that's that's the ring you proposed with so i think at the end of the day if you uh the fact that you're putting an effort as hannah said like you know you you get feedback i took my mom that one time i went and did it um just to like have a woman there but at the same time like whatever it sounds like your girl gave you enough of hints that you can get it right and the truth is like you guys can go but i'm assuming get it from a jeweler it says like listen if what if she hates it like can i come back and we can go shopping together sure you know like i think people do that right and i think that's fine um so come here with a suitcase and just pop it open for me.

He just was trying to get Neil Lane's contact information from us. No, I think the ring of her dreams is from the man of her dreams, which it sounds like it's you. Yeah, there you go. And my dad actually made a mistake when he was getting my mom a ring. They were pretty young. And the guy, he was asking, should a ring they were pretty young and the guy he was asking should i get the most expensive ring or something more affordable and the ring guy said i don't know do you believe in yourself and it was like the best sales line ever and my dad was like

well of course i believe in myself and bought the super expensive ring i great line yeah you're you were a sales guy you you know yeah but i Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think... Bet on yourself. I'm like Nick. My love language is quality time and touch, choking particularly. And I think that it depends on the person. And as Nick said, get a little more successful in your career. Get her a nicer ring.

You're on a journey together. That's what I say. Yeah, I would agree. And do you get a sense that she is materialistic you know no like we actually just took the love language test and her first her first one is uh uh the gifts and the second one is physical touch okay well if her first one's the gift then you might want to you want to step it up just a little bit i mean seriously though like clearly that matters to her she she likes nice

things um are you close with her mom because i think it could be cute if you go with her mom or her best friend yeah are you what's your relationship like with her parents? Close with her mom. Her dad's kind of quiet. I mean, it's a good idea. She talks more with her friend, though, like one of her best friends. And she's giving me some pointers here and there, too. Do you trust her best friend to keep a secret?

No, that's what I was going to say. Oh, because I say bring the best friend and then if it doesn't go well, you blame the best friend for making bad decisions. Yeah, but I think the best friend is a liability. I think they have a hard time keeping secrets. Also, like I said, at the end of the day, she's... Listen, if you put your best effort forward,

regardless of what you pick out, I think most jewelers will allow you to exchange it. If she throws some sort of temper tantrum, then that's a huge red flag, man. Then you got some answers that you weren't looking for. And so that's just my take. Don't stress about it. Certainly, take her mom or whatever. Take your mom.

It doesn't really matter. She's giving you enough hints. And at the end of the day, there's nothing wrong with the moment of proposing. And then just let her know, like, listen, I'm going to be totally honest with you. I want you to love it, you know? And so like, obviously within my budget, like I want, if you want to like take it back and look at so like obviously within my budget like I want if you want to like take it back and look at other rings let's go do that together you know let's let's have that day together and we'll continue the celebration I don't think there's anything

wrong with that right um and it's totally fine if she takes you up on that offer right um can I give some controversial advice yeah sure I he. He's going to kick me off the show. So I think that you try to get it right. You listen to all the hints. You try to get it right. You get the ring. And then you tell her that it's $5,000 more than it actually is because no one can fucking tell. It's like wine.

If I told you this wine was really expensive. And then see if it affects her mind and be like, we did good. No one can tell an expensive ring from a non-expensive ring. wine was really expensive and then see if it affects her mind and be like we did good no one can tell an expensive ring from a non-expensive ring here's the problem with that advice hand is that it doesn't work if he doesn't nail it the first time right because if he if he's like hey babe listen if you if you don't love it we'll take it back and it costs this much then that's what she's gonna think her budget is right that's why you have to nail it on the first one it's a risky move but she'll it could be very positive in the end i mean listen i i look in all seriousness i don't think this is a situation for

for brandon but uh people can get caught up in the materialistic elements of an engagement of a wedding um there's and i'm not saying this is what is going on here but like i think that is a red flag when uh you you start going through this process and you realize that your partner seems to be too caught up in things like the ring and like all the things that go into the wedding and not so much the relationship you know and so that that could be like how she handles that i mean listen i think any woman would be happy to have a guy who who is saving and spending what they can and maybe working a little harder to spend a little bit more to get her what she wants and making an effort to get the the type of ring that she wants and you and being totally cool and confident

that it's okay that you get it right and exchange it for something that's still within the budget that she's happy with. Those are all fine things, right? I hope that when I meet someone, they're chill like that. They're cool. They appreciate that I tried. Spend a little money, push yeah, like spend a little money, you know, push the limits, but don't overextend yourself. I think that's really important. I don't think you should. Set yourself up for the rest of your life, you know? And yeah, 100%. And I think that she,

you are going to learn about her in this experience, but during the COVID and everyone being quarantined, a lot of people have had to cancel their weddings. And I think it's made them realize like, holy shit, I'm so lucky that I found the love of my life. And it's okay that I have to postpone my wedding a couple months. Cause the most important thing is finding my person,

which Nick and I haven't found and we're upset about it, but it's okay. Uh, I think that's really important as well. And, um, yeah, I think this is a good thing. i might you know after talking and and being long-winded i think my short answer is it's gonna be fine like she's gonna be she should be happy with whatever you get and uh if she's not

then you might have bigger problems but i don't think that's going to be the case right like um yeah i i think it would be a big turnoff for me if uh if the initial reaction was like really you know like which i don't suspect most people most women do that but i'm sure it's been done i think the point is she's getting the ring from you, who she's in love with, and she's so lucky to be with a guy with as beautiful eyebrows as you. And you're a hero. You're working while we're all scared in our houses. So kudos to you. Thanks for being a mailman.

Thanks for going out there and dealing with strangers and having to touch their stuff. And we do really appreciate it. But yeah, I think you're going to be fine. Let us know uh what what happens give us an update when you you find out but uh i don't think you need to bring anyone else i think it's nice to bring i i have nothing else i think the value in bringing your mom or her mom is because i think that's a bonding experience to be honest with you i honestly don't

think they're going to make much of a difference in what they pick, right? Because they're not her. And her mom has only heard her suggestions just like you have, right? A jeweler is going to let you know what's popular, and they're going to probably try to get you to spend more than you can. But don't do that. But I think it is nice to bring them because you want that bonding experience. Yeah, they don't know your girl. You know your girl yeah your girl and that's why i definitely think your mom or her mom is a better option

than your friend is because you could probably trust him a little bit better and you don't need to bond with her friend like you should bond with her mom or your mom you know i think that's a real special like i think your mom would really appreciate having that moment going ring chopping with her son i know i know my mom did. Yeah. It didn't matter if it didn't work out, but we still, we got to go. You warmed her up for the- Yeah, I warmed her up. I'm like, mom, this is going to happen a few more times.

You have no idea what to have. But it was fun. So, all right, buddy. Well, best of luck. I hope this was helpful, but you're going to be great and let us know what happens. Taking my question. All right. Thanks, buddy. Well, best of luck. I hope this was helpful, but you're going to be great. And let us know what happens. Taking my question.

All right. Thanks, buddy. How materialistic are you, Hannah? I am so not materialistic. Like, I don't give a shit about gifts. I'm all about quality time. Because quality time means you actually enjoy the person yeah i'm not materialistic at all i didn't know if if if you meet a guy and he

gives you a crackerjack ring you're still happy it better be my favorite flavor of crackerjack ring like i'd rather you write me a poem than just buy me something expensive like i love thoughtful gifts or creative gifts or something that'll make me laugh or an inside joke because also i'm kind of cheap like i kind of want my wedding to just be a barbecue and then like save money for things we actually want to like travel or something true i will say like thinking about brandon like there's a reason why he called and it's not a shocker that his fiance or future fiance hopefully is uh love language is is gifts yeah when he said that we were like she's like

she's mentioned it like clearly she's talked about this so she does care she's imagining and there's nothing wrong with that but i do do think it's important to, especially in any engagement or marriage, it's like, you know, don't let your expectations and dreams disappoint the moment, right? Yeah, like don't let the media of watching shows like The Bachelor that like fantasizes it so much.

Like he's like, we want Neil Lane. And it's like, that doesn't always mean true true love or happiness i i love neil rain but i proposed with a used ring so let's let's say they're they're that special yeah i mean yeah i would love a used ring like that has a meaning behind it um oh you mean like meaning like like robbie hayes proposed to JoJo and that was the ring that Vanessa got, meaning? Exactly. I want used. I want to think of your ex-girlfriend when I'm wearing it.

That's the kind of emotion I want behind it. But yeah, he was adorable. I just think that he wants to give her the best possible thing and she probably got him a little nervous by dropping some numbers. And he was like, am I not good enough? And we're like, dude, your eyebrows are great. Calm down. Yeah.

He's a mailman. Like, you know, he shouldn't be overextending himself. He's a hero. He's being an essential worker. Also, if it starts with the ring, then like what is the rest of your life going to be when you have to like buy a house or like throw parties? The wedding. I mean.

It's very pricey i don't i've been like cutting off all my friends because we're all like 28 and starting to get married and i don't want to pay to be in a bachelor party so i've just been being toxic so they cut me out so that's how i save money yeah there you go liquid iv uh listen we talk about hydration on this show more than you would actually think, but it is super important. And there's one thing people are doing being quarantined. I'm as guilty as anyone, but sometimes we are enjoying some spirits. And with that sometimes comes a lot of dehydration,

and it's important to nourish our bodies when we indulge in these spirits and liquid iv is the best thing for that um it's you can use it to hydrate in general but it's also great especially i use it if i'm going to have a drink i i always have my liquid iv right before and right after and i'll tell you what i. Yeah, I have my liquid IV that I ordered right before the quarantine right here. And they come in these little packets. You just empty them into water. They taste really good.

This is the lemon lime flavor. And I'm just not drinking enough water. I'm anxious. I'm stressed all day. I'm drinking to help myself. And I'm just taking one of these liquid IVs every day to help me not get headaches and just stay hydrated. Totally. It's like drinking two to three bottles of water. Plus it has vitamin C, B3, B5, B6,

and B12. It's fantastic. And it tastes good. My favorite flavor is lemon lime, but they have a bunch of different options. It's available at Target, Whole Foods, and Costco. You can order it online. So if you want to try it out, go to liquidiv.com and use promo code V-I-A-L-L at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order when you use promo code V-I-A-L-L at liquidiv.com. Get better hydrated today at liquidiv.com, promo code V-I-A-L-L. You can also find them nationwide again at target whole foods and costco how's it going hi i'm lauren i'm 24 um right now i'm in graduate school i'm getting my phd in chemistry um i i work with a guy that i've been, he's like my big brother, pretty much.

He taught me everything I know about chemistry, like his whole job is to mentor me. And he was kind of my best friend. We talked about everything. He's the only person who is a chemist and also really fun and fun to talk to. So we got really close um and then also his girlfriend and I have a lot in common so I started hanging out with his girlfriend a lot but we never really hung out together it was just kind of like separate relationships um they moved in together and like I was always kind of attracted to him but I really never thought anything other people like obviously nothing could happen and then we got a really good result in lab, which sounds really dorky.

But we got a really good result. So we went out and then he asked if he could come over and I didn't think anything of it. Oh my gosh. Yeah, of course you can. You're my friend. And then we hung out for a while and then I kind of blacked out. And the next thing I remember I was just like I looked over and we both woke up to an email from our boss at the same time

like that was the notification that woke us up but I looked over and I was like oh this is not good um and so then we were like oh my gosh this is the worst thing I've ever done yeah which is big for me because I don't do that i don't really do that ever okay do you remember you remember having the sex though um no how do you know you had sex um you know because you there were like you say it girl oh you feel it well he was really drunk so i think it was like a long time or his penis is just really big and it was it was not true it didn't last long it could be either i think it was both it like it was it was painful more details please um sorry use a condom next time okay continue i'm your mom yeah because i don't own any of those like this is not something that i've you gotta have a backup pack you never know

yeah okay sorry anyways we're getting off okay okay i just want to point out that i also get excited about good lab tests but for very different reasons nick i don't get it when a girl you will someday oh i was thinking more like uh the you know your you know annual std test well yeah those are those are all good nick you should do more than just a year sorry continue lauren i i yeah well maybe i'm not that sexual active sexually active anyways lauren continue that was your fault nick you started that good to do uh so you wake up you guys had sex yeah it was like oh this is the worst thing either of us have ever done let's never do that again and then the second conversation was like well neither of us really regret it and then like it just kept happening and i'm really big into baseball

soccer and so he would come over and we'd watch soccer together like all the time. And his girlfriend like went home a certain day of the week. So we knew when things were fine and it was like definitely the worst thing I've ever done. And I feel really bad about it. And I kept hanging out with her separately too. So it was like I found a way to compartmentalize everything. So everything had like its own little drawer and then they broke up for different reasons in january that's not true but continue

well yeah for different there might have been other reasons and i'm sure he told you that it was different reasons and i'm certain you told yourself that but like I think it because she broke up with him okay well because he probably wasn't interested okay yeah she was like off finding herself and I was like

you're hanging out yeah you're having sex this goes on for a while you're playing with balls, soccer balls. Yeah. I'm like, I'm with him probably like 22 hours out of the day for like months straight. And then I kind of started to get from the ex-girlfriend cause I still was

running with her, running with her. Um, literally, literally rugging me. You're like your workout buddies um yeah so i yes okay um so she's chasing you yeah um and apparently she was like kind of threatened by me the whole time and our friendship but she thought i was gay she told you this no he did so you start having sex with

the girlfriend too no no no she thought that I was and so like she found out that I wasn't and like all of a sudden got like a little bit more threatened but she started telling me stuff about like how she wanted to get back together with him and how and then he would kind of be saying to me while we were hanging out and doing it that he wanted to get back together with him and how and then he would kind of be saying to me while we were hanging out and doing it that he wanted to get back together with her and I was like surely you can't mean that and so I kept doing it because to me like I've never had sex with anybody that I wasn't in love with so I don't know how to disconnect those two things so I was like oh he's so crazy that he's saying that so to your your face, he'd be like, I want to get back with my ex. Yeah.

And then I was like, funny. And then she was like, I'd never get back together with him. But when they both started talking about it, I was like, oh, no, this is going to hurt a lot. Okay. And I tried to be really supportive and be like, if that's what you feel like you need to do, go do it. Like, sounds fun um and then things just kind of things just kind of blew up because now they're seeing each other like once a week it feels like they're basically together and so our whole building got evacuated

because of the coronavirus but we're both working on a vaccine so currently in this like 12-story building it's just me him and my boss so we're spending all this time together we're still doing everything that we did um hanging out you're still hooking up multiple times so you're hanging out more than he is with his ex but you think he's gonna get back with his so just to recap the current situation is you guys are constantly working together you're still sleeping together he is at least making you feel like he's still considering getting back together with his ex and they're certainly talking on some level and we can safely assume that quarantine and corona aside he's also being sexually intimate with her

yes which is something that like that was the worst do you want to date him i would love to but he's another layer is like he's leaving in a few months okay i'm i'm very invested in this right now but i say you've been very messy and it's okay because I'm a messy bitch too but you're being messy and it's okay you're learning from it you're young but you you need to start emotionally detaching from this because he's not going to date you you were the side chick what he did to her he would do to you too you need to stop hanging out with with him in that way I would just stop it because he's not respecting you and you're gonna get hurt at this point yeah for sure and i've been hurt but like

i think i i think i i don't know how to stop it when like yeah yeah i mean you do um you like you've here's the thing you've been uh you were kind of making excuses for yourself all the time. You know, I think you need to kind of hold some accountability and you're just like, well, I've never felt this way before. And there's some there's a lot of layers here, right? Like he was supposed to be your mentor. He's a little older and there's this kind of like little position of power that may or may not be like attractive for you. Is he tall? Yeah, that's besides the point but uh point that is that is the point that's the only point i don't doubt that she's attracted to him i'm just saying like you need to

um you've gotten yourself in a very toxic situation on a lot, a lot of levels. Right. And you need to hold yourself more accountable. Like, yeah, like you were young and yeah, you're being messy, but like, you know, Hannah's here to play the good cop and like, you know, like this is fine and whatever, but like, what you're doing is really shitty and I don't think you're a shitty person and you're not a child. You're 24. Like you are an adult. You're literally trying to save the world by coming up with a vaccine we need you focus and i think digmatized right now i'm just

saying i think that type of person has the intelligence to like hold themselves accountable for like doing shitty things and so no no i i'm fully aware that what i did was shit yeah but hold on but like a couple things that you also said too is that uh well we didn't regret it well you should have because he was in a relationship i understand that you you like like him and like you feel like but like the the problem that you're doing is you're you're telling yourself one thing and doing another right like you need to start being more honest with yourself about these situations like i like them i want to date them not like oh it's cool like i don't mind if you date her like you need to start being more honest with yourself about these situations. Like I like them. I want to date them. Not like, oh, it's cool. Like I don't mind if you date her. Like

you need to kind of say this out loud to yourself so that you can say it to him and her, right? Like you're kind of pretending to yourself you don't care to protect yourself. Meanwhile, like that is allowing you to like kind of lie to yourself out loud and then lie to him and pretend you don't care, but you totally care. And because you're confusing yourself and your emotions, that's allowing you to like kind of do all these shitty things because you're not really putting it out there about what you want. In the meantime, like you have this other girl

that like every time you go running, you're like having to lie and it's really getting messy. And I got to assume it's really just like kind of fucking with you and like yourself and here's the thing this guy i mean listen i'm he might be a fine guy whatever but like he sucks right like he is openly like he's manip he's manipulating you uh and her at the same time uh he certainly isn't giving any consideration to your feelings now granted you've pretended you don't like him but like he's not an idiot no she does she likes him i've i've told him i don't think

that she went into it i don't think you went into it to be shitty you thought like every girl our guy can romanticize and be like oh my god we're actually meant to be together it's not yeah his girlfriend but then but at this point i think nick is right that like you're hurting yourself by even being friends with a girlfriend hiding it and it's like a masochistic thing to like i remember when i was younger with aim my friend used to tell me about all the conversations she was having with my crush and i would just ask about it like what they say and i was just like hurting myself every time like stop hurting yourself you deserve better and you have to start with honesty of what you want and what you deserve yes yeah and yeah it's the thing you're just kind of making too many excuses for everyone and then you're just like

well this is the situation we're in um he's like with you like in the same building right now isn't he yeah yeah next time he tries to have sex with you, say, put some effort into solving the coronavirus and stop thinking about my vagina. You need to stop sleeping with him. You can handle that. Like, you know, even if it's that real good dick, you know, you can still say no. No, I'm just very bad at confrontation. I think that you need to-

I don't think, I think, I mean, listen, you should be able to say no to sex. That's an important thing for you to learn. I don't think being afraid of confrontation is a good excuse. Be like, I don't feel like doing it right now. I feel like we're being brutally honest right now. You need... What? Well, not while he's playing with two women you

know as emotions he's very much having his cake and you need it too he's like doing it in your face and you said you have emotions towards him and you like having sex with people you love and he doesn't love you so this is it you go to a therapist and you say why he does he says that he loves me you know he definitely does not love yeah but he wants to be with his ex that's not love he definitely doesn't he definitely doesn't love you he he doesn't love her he's just kind of a selfish guy right now who really only loves himself and he's convinced himself and he's just he's just manipulating the shit out of you you deserve a guy who wants you and only you the you know like again i think you need to hold yourself a little accountable

and judge yourself a little bit for some of these decisions you've made. But at the same time, you do need to realize and stop being the victim that you're being because he is taking advantage of you. I don't feel like a victim. That's because you are enjoying the chase way too much. Like you're sucked into the game.

It's a game. I'm guilty of that. But you are aware of the fact that like, this is going to probably end badly for you, and you're going to be hurt. But you're kind of masking that right now because you're sure. I'm not sure when it's going to. I don't know what part will. Are you afraid of the girl finding out?

I'm going to tell you right now. Is she going to be wedding? No, here's when it's going to happen. If you do nothing about it, you you said he's gonna leave whenever he's like upset to move yeah yeah he's gonna leave and then cut you off and be on to the next girl and then maybe when he gets bored and he's having a hard time meeting new people in whatever new city you'll hear from him and he'll like send a dick pic and ask you to send a nude and all these things but at the end of the day that's when he's going to leave and he's going to keep this going find out she's going to find out

and she's going to be really hurt and she's going to tell people what you did and then you're going to feel terrible and that's going to happen so this is only going to end badly so you have a chance to like take a little bit of control and end it on your terms as opposed to letting him end it on his that that's uh that hit hard nick i felt that's that's the that's his. That's a, that hit hard, Nick. I felt that. That's, that's, that's,

that's a 100% guarantee. Zero chance you guys get married. Zero seems strong. Well, it's also accurate. He'll cheat on you. He will cheat on you. Yeah.

Well, I don't like messing. I don't mess with cheaters because i feel like it's out of your control right now he just doesn't respect you and he doesn't respect her and he doesn't respect himself so he can't respect you but like it's it's it's not a reflection on you you need to like hold yourself to higher standards and expect more for yourself that he can do that but like you know he's kind of you're giving him in she's taking a foot it's kind of a classic tale but you're definitely not going to get married.

Like all the things you're feeling, a lot of it is like heightened based off of proximity, a lack of options. Like, yeah, you guys like to watch soccer, you know, it's a game, but like you're, you've isolated yourself in this very small world and it's, it's, it's heightening your feelings. Like he's just a guy. There's a lot of tall people out there. I mean, that was probably my biggest thing is I don't know how to isolate myself from it because it's literally like,

it sucks right now. I get that, but you can still not have sex right now. Yeah, for sure. Immediate thing is stop sleeping with him. He told you not to tell the girl. Oh yeah.

So that's him controlling you. That's literally such a control tactic. Yeah. I think if you get out of it right now and stop having sex, then when the girl does find out and she will, then at least you can say, I told him that this feels wrong. Where if you don't, then you're going to be in a really bad place. Yeah, and don't overcomplicate it.

Don't get into some big discussion with him about the situation just stop sleeping with him and if he asks why just be like i'm over it you know i don't want to keep sleeping that will make him try try more but you need to like this is an ugly situation and the excitement around uh i mean listen there's a reason why like doing being bad feels hot like it's wrong and like the sneaking around probably is exciting but like you're losing a lot of credibility for yourself in the future um you know when this does end you're gonna like meet another guy you're gonna have conversations about have you ever cheated on someone you're gonna tell a story and it's gonna scare the shit out of them because you were kind of okay with fucking with someone.

And you're going to have to explain why you chose to like be okay with this type of behavior for a period of time. And in your love story, you're not the other girl. Yeah. So don't accept that. And in the future, like, and I'm telling you for future relationships, it's going to go a long way to say, you know what? It was wrong. I wasn't okay with it. I was a little fucked up.

But I ended it, and I'm glad I did. As opposed to like, so how'd that end? And you're like, well, he finally left, and I had to accept it. Then it's just like, ugh. So that next person is going to be wondering if you really figured it out, or were you just like, you were along for the ride until he called a shot? Like, you're really going to set yourself up even for like future issues. If you don't like nip this in the bud. Yeah.

We're brutally honest. Stop having sex with them. You can control that. Just get him. You can hang out with them. No, stop it, Hannah. I'm Catholic. Just you ain't all.

Let me listen if yeah I think you should stop being intimate with him yeah for sure and then I don't believe

that you're going to we've had that conversation numerous times I'm not you need to stop talking about with this is

you're not in a relationship with him this is not a negotiation there's nothing to talk about with him you know, this is, he's not, you're not in a relationship with him. This is not a negotiation. There's nothing to talk about with him. You need to decide for yourself that you're done doing it. You don't need his blessing. You don't need to approve to him. You don't need him to approve of it. He's going to throw a temper tantrum. Like he's not like, stop letting him make, you're just like, it's like, it's if you're going to go to him and be like, well, I think I should stop sleeping with you. Are you okay with that? Like,

that's insanity. But like, listen, like, I know you're laughing, but like, it's, you're just like it's like it's if you're gonna go to him like well i think i should stop sleeping with you are you okay with that like that's insanity but like listen like i know you're laughing but like it's you're you're really setting yourself up for some some for some some issues down the line and uh i think you need to address that yeah also we need you guys to focus on a cure like this is some bullshit we need you to focus on a cure not this messy drama i need to know my chemists are not having sex and they're like not sleeping and they're just working i guarantee all the other ones aren't no that's not true no they're just working on a cure i think um yeah this is a big opportunity for you so how you handle it's gonna go it's gonna you'll remember it for years to come i'm serious nick

really wants you to cut it off which means you have to his dick cut off his dick yeah okay i didn't know that's what he meant but i'll do that for sure i don't think you should do that okay what are you gonna what are you gonna do um i'm i'm gonna say no i think the problem is i i don't know like definitely no more of that but like there's so many things like we goof around like we hang out outside like i don't know like where to draw that line i mean listen you should draw it as as as much as possible i mean like the quarantine aside but like you're you're you're just playing the victim it's like oh poor me i know no i don't feel i like no i just genuinely don't people say no to sex all the time people say no i'm not worried about that part i'm worried about like

he is one of my closest friends like this relationship is really important to me it shouldn't be before before yeah but like you fucked up my phone as brother like which is messed up but okay you fucked that up like that happens this is this is not this your this friendship's damaged it's over he's now you're romantically invested um it's okay it happens you'll be mentally healthier when he leaves if you start the separation process now. Yeah. Yeah.

It's going to really fuck you up if you let him end it and he will eventually. Okay. Be empowered, girl. You can do it. At least you could look your friend in the eye and be like, at one point I felt bad and I stopped.

It took a lot of sex, but I stopped. Yeah. I kind of stopped. You're a, you're 20 but I stopped. Yeah, I kind of stopped. You're 24, Lauren. You're not 16. Nick is going to be such a good bad cop dad

one day. Nick, you're going to be the best dad. You're going to be like, Laura, what are you doing? No, I'm going to be like, they won't listen to me. I'll be their dad. Alright, well, we got to go, Lauren. I wish no i'm gonna be like yeah not you know they won't listen to me i'll be their dad uh all right well we gotta go uh lord i wish you luck thanks for uh helping us uh try to find a vaccine for corona focus on that uh try to uh this is at the end of the day like it's up to you right like i know this is hard but like

you're either gonna you're gonna protect him or protect yourself and everything else that you're gonna convince yourself that is hard whatever is just you're kind of either being weak or being manipulated or both and i think you're stronger than you're giving yourself credit for cool yeah all right all right well best of luck let us know what happens and real love is gonna feel so much better than this this is not what you deserve it might it might yeah it won't okay all right lauren take care yeah i worry about her i know you do you. I mean, listen, it's just like the whole poor me, I can't help it. And it's one of those classic things. I had a friend call me yesterday who

calls me often for dating advice and just same guy, same thing. And it was one of those things where, and I was getting that sense from Lauren where she's this, she wasn't calling me for advice. She was calling me for permission. And and it was just like i actually started getting mad at her i was just like i was at the point i was like you know i had a nice little high going on my couch doing ass nicks and she was like call me up fucking up my mojo and just like and and uh and i'm like telling her what i think but she's like but but but it's like, and I'm like, well, then do whatever the fuck you want, right? Because you can convince yourself any toxic situation feels good for a little,

but obviously in the long term, it's going to be something that you're like, what the fuck was I thinking? Yeah, but I hope Lauren takes our advice. I worry that she will. I will, I confidently say no matter what, she will look back and be like, yeah, I could have done that differently if she doesn't take the advice. But yeah, it's either going to be him or her, you know? We're sending our love.

How's it going? Hi, Nick. Love your show. My name is Melissa. I'm 27. Nice to meet you. This is my friend, Hannah. She'll be helping us answer your questions. Nice to meet you. nice to meet you this is my friend Hannah she'll be helping us answer your questions nice to meet you nice to meet you as well how can we help uh so my question revolves around I have this really close guy friend we've been friends for about seven years we don't live in the same area and we haven't lived in the same area for a while, but we still talk pretty regularly. And maybe once or twice a year when one of us is visiting the other person's location, we'll hang out. But it's been strictly platonic. I don't have an interest in anything further. But about a week ago, he sent me this weird Snapchat in the middle of the

night. And it, it was at like 2am his time. So I'm guessing he was probably drunk. Describe weird. Uh, so it said, do you think of me the same way I think of you?

And then in the morning I asked for clarification and he just ignored it. And then we've talked about other stuff since then. So I kind of get the vibe. He doesn't, he either doesn't want to talk about it or he might not remember. Maybe he meant it for somebody else. But this isn't the first time I've gotten like these kind of awkward Snapchats from my guy friends,

but usually I'm not as close to the guy friends so i don't really care either way or they're just a lot more like sexually driven so i either either will just like ignore it or usually let it go for once and then if it happens again i'll either block them or tell them to knock it off but i don't really know what to do in this case i don't know if i should bring it up again or just like let it go uh how do you feel about him oh she doesn't want anything yeah i'm not i'm not interested in anything more than just a friendship with him uh what makes you think he was drunk other than the time of night i just know his personality okay and i think the fact that it was like he didn't want to

like clarify or anything so he just kind of like seemed like he kind of shot his shot and then i didn't jump right on board and how important is this friendship to you i mean we don't talk like every single day or anything um so like i don't think my life would change too much if he wasn't one of my friends but we've also been friends for quite a while um and it's nice to have like a close guy friend that i can like talk about certain issues with and stuff like other guys yeah okay well unfortunately it doesn't sound like he's that guy for you yeah for a couple reasons one he might just he might not want to talk about it and maybe he pretends to want to talk about it you're not going to get objective honest feedback

i mean if your goal is to get like information from him i'm like how do you could successfully pursue some guy you're into he's gonna sabotage that shit you know like he's gonna talk shit about this guy you know he's gonna like i don't know if he's really that guy for you i mean we've heard this story before even when it's the opposite it's just like when the guy has the the girlfriend that she's really into him and he's always like oh i'm in love with this girl and she's like well let me see your instagram like oh she looks like a skank you know like you get that all the time so like he's not gonna be objective um it probably wasn't an accident like uh he even if he was lying he could easily be like oh sorry i meant that for another person he didn't even do that right so if it so it wasn't

meant for another person it was it was meant for you and yeah maybe he was drunk and he doesn't want to address it he's embarrassed but that is how he feels and he finally like he had the liquid courage to tell you and then you didn't respond and now he feels awkward and stupid um he probably does remember um and even if he doesn't that's how he feels i guess the point is is like now you have some clarity on what this relationship really is and that is a guy who has some romantic interest in you and you can be friends with them you know what i'm saying you can be cool like i wouldn't spend a lot of energy worrying about this friendship because this friendship is now different and he he certainly is again not going to fill that need of having that close guy confidant that you could like run things past as a guy.

Like that's, this is not that guy. So you should stop doing that. And like for his sake, it would be selfish of you to ignore what he did and still like use him as that kind of soundboard or guy you ask questions. Even if you're not expecting like good feedback because he's

biased but you just want someone to like bend your ear you know to bend his ear so to speak it would be kind of a dick move knowing that he does kind of like you i guess yeah because when we first became friends i was in a long-term relationship and that ended like a year and a half ago so like i hadn't really noticed any part of his interaction changing initially but i guess like this is kind of the first glimpse that yeah anything to add hannah yeah my controversial opinion is that guys and girls are only friends when at least one of them is sexually attracted to the other uh that's not so controversial it's typically true i have found that it doesn't mean you're in love but i find the guy friends like i either they think i'm kind

of attractive and they like the little flirt game or like i think they're attractive and it completely makes sense that like you have girlfriends to talk about important stuff too guys are for fun and flirting and seeing guy angles or whatever bullshit but like you have girlfriends to talk about important stuff too. Guys are for fun and flirting and seeing guy angles or whatever bullshit. But like, you don't need him as a friend is what Nick was trying to say in terms of like giving you good advice if he likes you. Yeah. And most times that is true.

What I have found that sometimes you can be friends if you've had, if you have sex early on and then you, no, I mean, I've had, I've had this happen a couple of times where I meet a girl romantically. We don't meet as friends.

We meet as a potential romantic interest. There's some sex involved. We then therefore realize that maybe this isn't going anywhere. We stop hanging out as people who decide to move on do. And then a period of time passes and you reconnect and you're just kind of like, you know what? You're kind of dope.

Like we didn't work out romantically and you just start being friends. And that really is a friendship there. I have found that that like, that gives you some clarity. And if it's very mutual, you can be friends there. I've had that happen. But to Hannah's point early on,

sometimes a lot of people will like, they're too afraid to make the move. So they will be their friend thinking somehow you're going to like, you know, make some sort of transformation and then it's not going to happen. But you're like awkward. And again, like you, you know, you get drunk and like reveal your true intentions. And often, often there is an attraction from one person that's stronger than the other um yeah yeah not always but there's a good chance this sounds like a his

problem in terms of if he can like does he just want to be your friend or does he want to cross the line if you're starting to feel awkward just stop talking to as much you have to set boundaries with stuff and he's clearly not someone you see day to day so if he's causing you to feel uncomfortable and i don't mean uncomfortable in a creepy way but uncomfortable like am i hurting him and so you start stressing yourself out you respect him but you don't need to talk to him as much and it's actually good for him just yeah yeah you just can't be selfish here because a lot of people in your shoes will will like well i mean i don't know if that's what he really wants and then you will

selfishly keep him around because you enjoy the friendship yeah and then you will like you know use them to go to movies and you'll use them to like get up you know you can't do that now during like you know quarantine but yeah typically they'll find these like friends um and they'll pretend the lot of themselves that like oh they were just friends and they'll be like the surrogate boyfriend or girlfriend because you don't have one right now but like well let's go to a movie with you and let's go grab lunch let's go have a bite to eat you know um and you're gonna you're just fucking with him when you do that and you know you know, a lot of people do that. So I think you need to set some boundaries with him and stop pretending that this friendship is a friendship. It's not.

Yeah, I guess since I was kind of like his like bro with the start of our friendship and he would always kind of confided me in like his girl problems. And he kind of and by kind of I mean he's he's a fuck boy and i feel like i kind of now had that persona associated with him that he wasn't really capable of like catching feelings for other people and i thought probably wasn't the right assumption to make yeah and it could be just you know if he's a fuck boy he just wants to see if you can have sex with you you know i don't know the point is he's not your bro that's for sure and it's not platonic and either he's catching feelings or you're just another person he wants to have sex with either way like you're not you're not pals yeah so i think attention is really fun and it could be addicting but you want to

get your circle small to getting attention from like people who are authentically like right for you um and also what i would do i call his ass out if it got awkward i have this friend who like this comedian friend who's way older than me he's like 41 or two and we are best friends but like i know he'd have sex with me and i'm like you want to have sex with me and he's like no i'd never have sex with you i'm like you could admit it like it'd actually be less awkward like i know you want to fuck me so i joke about it yeah that's what i don't like about like the doing it in the middle of the night when you're drunk because if it would have been like something he brought up when he was sober

we could like talk about it and i'm not saying i'd be open to it or anything but now it's just kind of weird and it's like the same i think he's gonna lose you by doing that yeah i mean yeah it's okay it's okay so yeah i'm over him i think i think that's what you need to do okay so i can still talk to him about like advice about like work and stuff like that but not like very often and not definitely not about other guys i mean honestly i would just phase him out to be honest or whenever he texts you'd be like sorry i was just having sex what's up every time no you're just playing games but uh yeah i don't i really don't think you should go to him for advice i mean i'm sure you could have other friends um yeah and what about like other guys that i don't care about that much just like immediately

cut them or because i feel like i don't know i just don't know why guys think that's like an okay thing to do i think guys are guys i mean it's not okay and uh i don't know some i mean guys can be immature if they don't know how to communicate especially if they get liquid courage i do think if you are uncomfortable with something i think it's good to speak up hey don't send that to me you know i think you know don't uh listen i you know you don't have to belittle them you don't have like just be like don't do that you know and if if a guy hears that and he's like you know what my bad then whatever fine you told him he stopped that's fine right um if he keeps going then it then there's that's a bigger issue but

i don't think anything wrong with speaking up treat your guy friends like you do your girlfriends where like would you talk to girlfriends who weren't open and honest and trusting with you no so i only talk to guys who i have a crush on or who are authentically my friends so like you don't need that middleman if you don't have a crush on them why are you texting them i also texting is exhausting it takes a lot of time and takes away from your productivity yeah i'm that's what i'm saying like the asking guys you can't don't don't use him anymore he's not your he doesn't want to be your friend so stop using him as your friend if you close doors other doors open so like make more time and for guys who actually can establish a connection with

that's real okay yeah i guess i've always i've never really had the mindset of like you can't be just friends with guys but you can sometimes but i'm just saying like usually it's you know make sure that they're trusting and honest and open with you and that guy sounds like he has other motives which is okay but it's not what you want and then like there's nothing wrong with becoming friends with guides but it's just one of those things you kind of always suspect that maybe if you're aware that you're not interested in them, right? Then you have to be aware that there's a possibility they could be not necessarily a guarantee, but a possibility.

And as soon as like you are proven, right, if that's the case, then you just move on. I've had a lot of girlfriends that were my platonic friends that have come and gone out of my life. You know, it happens, you know, it's just, it just got friends with him. He doesn't of my life you know yeah it happens you know it's just it just got friends with him he doesn't even live near you is wild i that's hard for me to keep friends like that so like you're a good friend yeah i've moved around a lot for work so i've gotten really good at maintaining friendships long distance yeah and you're probably good at

making new friends so make new friends okay we're done with him next. All right. Well, best of luck. Uh, hope that was helpful. Thank you. All right. Bye. Bye. All right. How's it going? Hey, I'm Mike 32. Hi, Mike 32. How can we help? Well, uh, I sent this, uh, pre coronavirus. So hopefully, uh, once this is over, we could is over, I could definitely use this advice. But basically, a friend of mine suggested the show, been listening to some advice, and I felt like I might be able to get some advice on a situation I'm in. I'm originally from Connecticut. I moved to the Carolinas for nine years and recently moved back up north to the New York City metro area. And I feel like I'm almost undateable. I had a really hard time dating in the Carolinas. I was previously engaged

and that broke apart and we separated. And once I got back on the dating scene seven years ago, and once I got back on the dating scene seven years ago, I found that it was really tough. The dating in the Carolinas was a really tough deal. I'm not, you know, growing up in Connecticut, I just had a different lifestyle, different culture. I felt like women were looking for something completely different. So for me, dating was quite the challenge when I lived there and I felt like moving back up north would kind of help

with that. The culture and everything is a little more different and a little more to what I remember, you know, growing up in Connecticut. But I feel like I'm in this constant loop of dating apps. And just the, you know, mixed messages, not getting matches, just no conversation. And I feel like I feel like I'm just in this constant, like spin cycle of using dating apps and trying to get out of that hole is, is really tough. So I wanted to see if I get some advice on, on that and just my situation overall, I feel like some of the things I'm interested in, some of the things I'm looking for, not looking for are really specific. And that might also, uh, kind of narrow my search. What, like what's specific? Uh, well, I don't want kids of my own. So that takes out a lot of people in the running right away. Um, I'm, uh, not really a pet person, so,

um i'm uh not really a a pet person so uh i'm not really uh into dogs i do like cats but i'm allergic so that also takes me out of the running uh would you say before the pet part sorry he doesn't have kids oh he doesn't want to have kids okay but i'm open to dating someone who already has kids so that that's uh as long as they're like old enough like to walk talk and poop on their own I'm usually good with that. Wait, you don't want kids because you don't want like the initial couple years Yeah, I have zero interest in dealing with infants and babies and pregnancy and changing diapers and crying You know like because you have to take care of pets, too Yeah, dogs are just I i mean i'm not like anti animal or anything like that just dogs are um especially dogs are just kind of are just as bad

as as little babies i mean you're constantly having to walk them and feed them and take them outside and care for them and um also i'm allergic to them so um that you know those things uh don't coincide and i've just a lot of the women I've dated with dogs kind of tend to take more responsibility to the dog and pay more attention to the dog than me or any other human. So, you know, those things don't really jive. So, I'm also not a religious person, which is not much of a problem up north, up here, but it was a huge problem when I lived in the Carolinas. So, you know, that could be that sometimes could be a stop gap.

But also, my interests are not very female leaning. So a lot of what do you mean by that? Well, I'm a big auto racing fan. So that's more male-dominated interest. I like things like pro wrestling and football and a lot of things that you don't find a lot of single women at. So that makes my pool even smaller as far as dating goes. So I feel like women kind of see that and they're like, oh. I'm curious. When you are dating, you're going out there. I mean, some of the things you talked about, like it's good for them to know,

like not wanting kids. Yeah. You should, I'm, I'm assuming that comes up pretty early on a date. Usually like a first date, second date for sure. It's like, Hey, you shouldn't having kids, but you're, you're 32. You know, I don't know the ages of the women you're going on dates with, but that's certainly probably you're meeting women at an age where they're thinking about having kids it's going to come up but i'm curious some of these other things you talked about like are like i get a sense that you're like very open about this

uh yeah i mean i mean right on the the dating apps i mean for example i filter out so like if they want kids they I filter that out. So I don't even find that in my search. So I don't really... But we're talking about the other stuff. I'm getting the impression that when you like connect with someone on a dating app, or even you get to the point where you go on a date, like you start explaining to them why they might not be interested in you.

It's like, just so you know, I like auto racing. And just so you know, I have all these interests. And you probably, I have all these interests and you probably don't like that. And like, I almost feel like, is that true? Am I wrong where you're almost like selling against yourself? I mean, not, I guess not, not per se. If I think they are interested in something that I'm interested in, I'll, I'll definitely have a discussion about it, but I don't really go in saying like, this is why you might not like me, but I feel like if they like something I like, Hey,

they like sports. I'm probably going to say, Hey, I like sports too. And talk about sports. So kind of gauge what their interest is. Yeah. But a lot of dating,

I mean, there's a lot of guys who like pro wrestling and a lot of guys who like car racing, a lot of guys who like sports and there are women who like all those things. There's a lot more women who don't. And they're dating successfully. Those are kind of like the little things I don't like. You know, a guy doesn't need to love watching reality TV or housewives to be compatible with a woman because she's a diehard, you know, real housewives fan. Sure.

Those are kind of niche hobbies. I mean, the kid thing, yeah, that's a big deal. And it sounds like you're pretty proactive about like, especially even a dating app of like, yeah, you're definitely narrowing your pool there. The pet thing, you know, minus allergies, like, you know, to some level, you're going to probably have to be a little bit more compromising. Like you're, you know, it's, I think that's sometimes a problem with all of us who, who get comfortable with being single, which I think is a healthy thing to be.

But we also get set in our ways. We get selfish. We get used to a certain type of lifestyle. Then we start expecting people to fit into that lifestyle. And any relationship, any successful relationship is going to involve some level of compromising. There's a good chance you're never going to find someone that is this perfect, whatever idea you have, this person that fits into all these little specific things that you want. The idea is finding someone who's, generally you have a natural connection. You're able to hold a conversation. Maybe your mutual instances are just life in general. Maybe it is someone who's fine with having their own different hobbies, and they're a very independent woman as well. I mean, my guess is because you don't want to have kids, it's going to maybe even work to your benefit where women who don't want to have kids

are sometimes just very career driven, very independent. They, you know, for whatever reason, they might not want to have kids. Like, and again, don't get me wrong. There's a lot of independent women who want families, but like, you know, for whatever reason, if people don't want to have kids and they align, they're going to be able to do other things too. And you don't always have to have the same interests. Oh, I'm with you. I mean, I feel like it's more important to have a good personality matchup, personality wise, have, have, you know, good conversation,

just good fundamentals in common. I don't need to meet someone that has to like auto racing or sports or any of those things per se. You know, I think my last year, our relationship, she wasn't necessarily into those things, but we always had a good time. We had a lot in common. We had good conversation and we had the fundamentals in common like we didn't want pets we didn't want kids those kinds of things so yeah i mean minus the yeah minus the kid thing i think everything else is kind of slightly

negotiable i also think i want you to change your mindset from like i don't like these things and i don't want people who or i like them i don't want people who are like that it's a lot of what you don't want in people and i want you to twist it there's a concept of like man nick you might like this shit manifesting abundance that like look for things that you want to find and that positivity will like manifest people like that but if you're always like i don't want someone who wants kids i don't want someone who doesn't like that i race like you there's a lot of negatives i'm hearing where i want you to be like i want to meet someone who has my sense of humor i want to meet someone who is goofy and wants this so like try to twist that mentality nick

what do you think i totally i mean that's kind of what I was suggesting when I first, I think there's a sense of him being very, you've kind of carved out like what you know you want and therefore you want to be upfront and you want her to know who you are because you don't want to waste your time. Same thing, kind of what Hannah's saying. I think it's just, whether you're saying it, you're probably definitely giving off that vibe of being very kind of set in your ways um yeah like that would scare me off if i felt like a guy was super rigid and was just like yeah well i know what i want i don't want this and it's not like sexy to me but you're a sexy guy i think you're very handsome but i could see you on a date freaking someone else if you're like

yeah i like that i don't like. And I'd start getting insecure. Like, oh, my God, what if he doesn't like this about me and that about me? So I think starting more positive and being you know, you're limiting yourself. You told us that. And I think sometimes this I feel about like five year plans. Five year plans are limiting because you don't even know what the universe could give you. And I think like the girl your dreams could be something out of your like little list that you have.

Well, yeah, I would say going, getting the actual date, I feel like is a step in the right direction to actually meet the person. I feel like they see me differently than they do, you know, online. So I feel like conversation flows better when we get a little better vibe with each other. So I guess to take your advice, like how do you, I mean, with the dating apps, I feel like you're so limited to, okay, your interaction is like, at least off the jump is just, you know, through texting or whatever. You know, how do you like find the, I guess the more positives? I would love to get off the dating apps and do non, something outside of that.

So obviously right now we cannot, but you know, going forward, it's like, I would much rather meet someone in person and have that organic conversation. That way it would just seem more, well, it'd be more organic. It'd be more natural. Again, it's just the kind of to Hannah's point. It's a frame of mind.

Like you don't want a first date to feel like an obstacle course that the person has to get through to get to a second date. You know, like, oh, what are they, you know, like, how do I answer this? It's just, man, like you're just getting to know someone, man. And I think you also should,

like, again, it's just a mentality, invite the possibility that getting something unexpected is a good thing. Having someone that might challenge your belief system can be a good thing. Don't close that off to someone that you might feel an initial connection with. I mean, it's good to be up front that you aren't looking to have kids. That's great, right? But again, like we said, don't be so rigid where you're just not opening to being like, Hey, listen, I'm, I'm not a huge fan of this, but like, this is why,

but like, let's talk about it. You know, like no one wants to be on a date with someone's like, Nope, not me. I don't like that move next. You know, like not into that. No, not really. No. I also think it's, that's not how I am on an actual date. I think maybe I might be more like that through text at first, which is probably a big part of the issue. But on the date, I'm not just sitting there going, no, no, no. I feel like it's more of like a really actual conversation.

And all my first dates have pretty much led to another date. So I know they're not horrible. So the lesson is don't do that via text yeah be chiller on the dating apps don't be like do you like this do you like that and i also think it's it's less of you're afraid that um you won't like there aren't enough people for you i think it's you putting up a big shield that you're afraid people won't like you so you're like well i like you know horse horse i like race car driving so they might not like that no they will like that you need to manifest that if you know i mean like that you can be you and people will like you regardless of your hobby

that you like and be chiller on the apps you just want to see if you have low chemistry. And then when you get a drink and it's two dates in, you go, are you a crazy cat lady or not? So, yes. And by that time, you might like her so much that you're like, you know what? Bring the cat. Bring her on the date. So, would you suggest to really remove hobbies and interests from dating apps

and just not even listen at all? I mean, listen, I'm a big believer in less is more from dating apps and just not even listen i mean listen i'm a big believer in less is more on dating apps like who gives like who gives a shit what people's bios are like that's it could be their friend helped their friend could help them out with that like yeah you're just giving a person a bunch of reasons to say no to you yeah you are like what's i mean especially in these times you could have like a zoom date or facetime date like that's 20 30 minutes of your life and you have a lot of free time now when this shit ends and you start going out and like dating again like it's a wednesday night that you might have you otherwise might have watched like wrestlemania and that

which you can dvr you know what i'm saying like change your dating app right now go in change it to all i don't want any long paragraphs i want short little quirky funny show your personality answer short i am so quick and sure on dating apps i don't even write a full sentence on anything yeah yeah i mean anything any long bio immediately sounds like oh god you're you're a lot of work you know exactly cut i don't want you being like i don't like dogs i don't like cats i don't like kids take that out and see what it brings you yeah interesting i i used to go for the more of the i don't want to say overly detailed but you know at least put specific things in there that seemed to be it's scary i guess not i mean correct me if i'm wrong hannah but i'm pretty sure that

women are similar to men that when it comes dating, they just want to know if they like your face. And when it comes to women, they just want to be slightly confident you're not going to murder them. You know, like, and at the end of the day, if they think you're hot, they're going to be willing to, like, grab a drink with you and get to know you. Right. And whenever I see a dating app where they go, I don't like girls who do this or like, don't message me if you do this, it just immediately gives me negativity and makes me. Yeah, I agree.

I don't, I used to do that. I used to put that right off top. And then years ago, I, I deleted that and just made it more positive. Um, I mean,

however, I mean, I do put like, you know, you put your height, your, your, your information.

And I also put, yeah, kids, I say, you know, don't want how tall um 5 11 okay okay okay we could work with that i mean i've had women tell me oh you're not six foot tall i won't even i won't even talk to you which is ridiculous that's their own issues

right right i mean but you're kind of doing very similar things um with like some of your non-negotiables i mean i do have you know it's just like you know i say if you don't like smoking or if you don't like certain things like there's there's definitely always a few things someone like just does not want so there's there's you know i have a few of those which are you a heavy smoker are you a big smoker no i don't smoke at all i don't want someone who smokes at all most people don't though but like i think to hannah's point you don't need to put that on your bio you know i don't i don't put that on there it's just in the back of my head like if i see someone with a picture of them like you know vaping or smoking

a cigarette i'm like all right well obviously that's i think you're looking for a lot of things you don't want because you're scared of getting involved in someone that you don't want look for things you do want be like you know what she does have a cat in her photo but she has a beautiful smile also your dream girl might vape you know like you might have that's a non-negotiable for me no that's like my top i mean like she doesn't smell no i cannot stand in vaping so nicks in la they love that shit they're same in new york city it's it's just such a turnoff absolute turn off um but i also i want you to change it from things that are turning you off to walk around during

the day and be like what can i be turned on by right now and just thinking that positive there's definitely something to be said about that like you i live in new york city there's plenty to be turned on about normally when you're walking around. So, yeah. But you got to put that out there to Hannah's point. You know, you do. You've definitely developed this mentality of no. And you need to be more yes and a little bit more positive and a little bit more inviting. And you do. People give off that energy on a first date, you know, like, like, and that can be intimidating

and not in a, in a sexy way of like oh right who's this this guy just like fuck you like again like you don't want you don't want a first date to feel like an obstacle course yeah i feel like it's so nervous like i'm sitting there once you had an actual like relationship like you know close to being engaged or engaged and you like you're like almost at the finish line. And then it doesn't work out. And you're like, okay, but I know exactly what I need. I just need this tweak. But you're really just starting over.

Yeah, you don't know what you need. You can't just have her with a tweak. That's not, you actually need something totally different. You don't even know what it is yet. And I think you're still hurt from that last relationship. And you want to just skip all the bullshit and find that perfect person because you think you know what it is but i i don't but i don't think you know what that is and

you might want someone very different to her and you just haven't met her yet so what would be i mean outside of the dating apps what would you you know once things go back to normal what would be your number one advice to actually you're scared of getting hurt so you're looking for things that why are you why why are you basing that off of Hannah? Oh, I think it's because he was clearly very hurt by almost getting engaged, and that must have really fucking sucked, and you were so close to finding the love of your life twice. I was engaged once and close a second time.

I'm very psychic, Nick. That's why. And I think that when you see someone instead of being open that possibly getting hurt you're going nope she's bad because she loves dogs nope she's bad because she was too nice to that little kid walking down the street and she probably wants kids so instead of giving yourself excuses to not want to be with people because you're protecting yourself you're actually avoiding finding love yeah and i and as far as uh other ways to meet people i mean i don't know i honestly like dating apps that's just kind of

where it's at especially now with corona and the other ways are obvious like you just go out you go to a grocery store everyone says grocery store coffee shop but the reality is we've gotten way more comfortable uh because of dating apps in society to like, well, not even comfortable. We've gotten worse at approaching people in public and we've gotten worse at talking and guarded. So always be open to that. But like, if, you know, people like have this idea that like, oh, I don't want to just rely on dating apps. Why not? You know, like, uh, it's, that doesn't say anything about you or anyone else. It's the idea of them, but yeah, go out, you know, it's one of the, like, kind of like to Hannah's point, you gotta, it's more about positive energy. It's about going out and make yourself available.

Like you don't have to go out to bars or go grocery shopping with the intention of meeting someone, but you're just out there and you're wearing a smile. I mean, like, you know, you're just kind of, you're just, you're open to it. And I think that alone just makes it more inviting for people to connect with you. Yeah. New York City definitely humbled me a bit. I thought the amount of people here would actually help that, but it's almost overwhelming the amount of people that are here and as you said people are kind of like you know in their own little world and not as social so you know me like oh meeting someone on the train is not as easy as i might have thought uh just because people kind of are on their own little world so but but think of it that way too to your like your point of like you know let's say you meet someone on the train or a

grocery store like if you do that and you see them like all you are is attracted to them you know nothing about exactly if they vape you don't know if they don't want kids but you're still interested in saying hi right um so why are you going through all this trouble to like figure out all these things on a dating app you know what i'm saying like treat it like the grocery store or uh like if you were to meet a girl on a train are you gonna like ask for her number but like hold on before do you want kids because i don't do you have to you babe you're not going to you're gonna get her number you're gonna ask her out for a drink and then you'll find that shit out so like stop doing that on a on a dating app gotcha okay uh i think i got a good uh good gist of it for me

guys yes set up with some good facetime dates it takes no time i mean it does take time but it's not as much as a whole rigmarole going out gotcha well i think i'll update that dating profile and uh be a little more uh relaxed and uh hopefully when this is over i'll um meet some strangers on the street or something i think yeah you look relaxed already feel feel free to meet someone right now on a zoom date or a facetime date i mean if you meet a girl on a dna to connect just be like hey do you want to facetime yeah i mean i still i use the apps every day i mean what else we have to do right now so uh so you can still meet someone and all these things and getting to know someone, you can still do that. And it's better face-to-face

than over text. I agree. Totally, 100%. All right. All right, buddy. Thanks for calling in. Bye, Mike. Bye.

Well, Hannah, I appreciate you joining us today. It's been a lot of fun. I don't know if we have any one takeaway, but I definitely appreciate it. We got two 10%ers calling in today. Yeah representing yeah um i do like yeah it's uh the uh my you know mike is a lot of

people out there in terms of we yeah we just limit all our options yeah it's easy to get in a dark place and just be like everyone i hate everyone sucks and no one's great and i'm like i don't want this this or that and it's like okay well be alone then um i told myself i didn't want hockey players and then i hooked up with a hockey player so dream big there you go um where can people find you hannah people can find me, beingburns on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, B-E-I-N-G-B-E-R-N-Z and watch Summer House on Bravo every Wednesday.

And I have a podcast called Burning in Hell as well, it's a mental health comedy podcast. Well, thank you for joining. As always, guys, thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K, and we will see you tomorrow.